August 21st.

 MY DEAR AND KIND BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,—I feel that I am guilty, I feel that I have sinned against you. Yet also I feel, from what you say, that it is no use for me so to feel. Even before I had sinned I felt as I do now; but I gave way to despair, and the more so as recognised my fault. Darling, I am not cruel or hardhearted. To rend² your little soul would be the act of a blood-thirsty tiger, whereas I have the heart of a sheep. You yourself know that I am not addicted³ to bloodthirstiness, and therefore that I cannot really be guilty of the fault in question, seeing that neither my mind nor my heart have participated in it. Nor can I understand wherein the guilt¹ lies. To me it is all a mystery. When you sent me those thirty kopecks, and thereafter those two grivenniks, my heart sank within me as I looked at the poor little money. To think that though you had burned your hand, and would soon be hungry, you could write to me that I was to buy tobacco! What was I to do? Remorselessly to rob you, an orphan⁴, as any brigand⁵ might do? I felt greatly depressed⁶, dearest. That is to say, persuaded that I should never do any good with my life, and that I was inferior even to the sole of my own boot, I took it into my head that it was absurd for me to aspire⁷ at all—rather, that I ought to account myself a disgrace and an abomination. Once a man has lost his self-respect, and has decided⁸ to abjure⁹ his better qualities and human dignity, he falls headlong, and cannot choose but do so. It is decreed of fate, and therefore I am not guilty in this respect. That evening I went out merely to get a breath of fresh air, but one thing followed another—the weather was cold, all nature was looking mournful, and I had fallen in with Emelia. This man had spent everything that he possessed¹⁰, and, at the time I met him, had not for two days tasted a crust of bread. He had tried to raise money by pawning¹¹, but what articles he had for the purpose had been refused by the pawnbrokers¹². It was more from sympathy for a fellow-man than from any liking¹³ for the individual that I yielded. That is how the fault arose, dearest. He spoke¹⁴ of you, and I mingled¹⁵ my tears with his. Yes, he is a man of kind, kind heart—a man of deep feeling. I often feel as he did, dearest, and, in addition, I know how beholden to you I am. As soon as ever I got to know you I began both to realise myself and to love you; for until you came into my life I had been a lonely man—I had been, as it were, asleep rather than alive. In former days my rascally¹⁶ colleagues used to tell me that I was unfit even to be seen; in fact, they so disliked me that at length I began to dislike myself, for, being frequently told that I was stupid, I began to believe that I really was so. But the instant that YOU came into my life, you lightened the dark places in it, you lightened both my heart and my soul. Gradually, I gained rest of spirit, until I had come to see that I was no worse than other men, and that, though I had neither style nor brilliancy nor polish, I was still a MAN as regards my thoughts and feelings. But now, alas¹⁷! pursued and scorned of fate, I have again allowed myself to abjure my own dignity. Oppressed of misfortune, I have lost my courage. Here is my confession¹⁸ to you, dearest. With tears I beseech¹⁹ you not to inquire further into the matter, for my heart is breaking, and life has grown indeed hard and bitter for me—Beloved, I offer you my respect, and remain ever your faithful friend,

 

MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.

 

 

1 guilt   

n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责

参考例句：

• She tried to cover up her guilt by lying.她企图用谎言掩饰自己的罪行。
• Don't lay a guilt trip on your child about schoolwork.别因为功课责备孩子而使他觉得很内疚。

2 rend   

vt.把…撕开，割裂；把…揪下来，强行夺取

参考例句：

• Her scrams would rend the heart of any man.她的喊叫声会撕碎任何人的心。
• Will they rend the child from his mother?他们会不会把这个孩子从他的母亲身边夺走呢？

3 addicted   

adj.沉溺于....的，对...上瘾的

参考例句：

• He was addicted to heroin at the age of 17.他17岁的时候对海洛因上了瘾。
• She's become addicted to love stories.她迷上了爱情小说。

4 orphan   

n.孤儿；adj.无父母的

参考例句：

• He brought up the orphan and passed onto him his knowledge of medicine.他把一个孤儿养大，并且把自己的医术传给了他。
• The orphan had been reared in a convent by some good sisters.这个孤儿在一所修道院里被几个好心的修女带大。

5 brigand   

n.土匪，强盗

参考例句：

• This wallace is a brigand,nothing more.华莱士只不过是个土匪。
• How would you deal with this brigand?你要如何对付这个土匪？

6 depressed   

adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的

参考例句：

• When he was depressed,he felt utterly divorced from reality.他心情沮丧时就感到完全脱离了现实。
• His mother was depressed by the sad news.这个坏消息使他的母亲意志消沉。

7 aspire   

vi.(to，after)渴望，追求，有志于

参考例句：

• Living together with you is what I aspire toward in my life.和你一起生活是我一生最大的愿望。
• I aspire to be an innovator not a follower.我迫切希望能变成个开创者而不是跟随者。

8 decided   

adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的

参考例句：

• This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
• There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。

9 abjure   

v.发誓放弃

参考例句：

• The conqueror tried to make the natives abjure their religion.征服者试著让当地人宣誓放弃他们的宗教。
• Some of the Roman Emperors tried to make Christians abjure their religion.有些罗马皇帝试著使基督教徒宣誓放弃他们的宗教。

10 possessed   

adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的

参考例句：

• He flew out of the room like a man possessed.他像着了魔似地猛然冲出房门。
• He behaved like someone possessed.他行为举止像是魔怔了。

11 pawning   

v.典当，抵押( pawn的现在分词 )；以（某事物）担保

参考例句：

• He is contemplating pawning his watch. 他正在考虑抵押他的手表。 来自辞典例句
• My clothes were excellent, and I had jewellery; but I never even thought of pawning them. 我的衣服是很讲究的，我有珠宝；但是我从没想到要把它们当掉。 来自辞典例句

12 pawnbrokers   

n.当铺老板( pawnbroker的名词复数 )

参考例句：

• To exploit this demand, pawnbrokers are shedding their dingy, Dickensian image. 为了开拓市场，典当商人正在试图摆脱他们过去阴暗的狄更斯时代的形象。 来自互联网
• Each state and territory has legislation that requires pawnbrokers to be licensed. 各个州和地区的法律都规定当铺老板必须取得特许执照。 来自互联网

13 liking   

n.爱好；嗜好；喜欢

参考例句：

• The word palate also means taste or liking.Palate这个词也有“口味”或“嗜好”的意思。
• I must admit I have no liking for exaggeration.我必须承认我不喜欢夸大其词。

14 spoke   

n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说

参考例句：

• They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
• The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。

15 mingled   

混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系]

参考例句：

• The sounds of laughter and singing mingled in the evening air. 笑声和歌声交织在夜空中。
• The man and the woman mingled as everyone started to relax. 当大家开始放松的时候，这一男一女就开始交往了。

16 rascally   

adj. 无赖的，恶棍的 adv. 无赖地，卑鄙地

参考例句：

• They said Kelso got some rascally adventurer, some Belgian brute, to insult his son-in-law in public. 他们说是凯尔索指使某个下贱的冒险家，一个比利时恶棍，来当众侮辱他的女婿。
• Ms Taiwan: Can't work at all, but still brag and quibble rascally. 台湾小姐：明明不行，还要硬拗、赖皮逞强。

17 alas   

int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等)

参考例句：

• Alas!The window is broken!哎呀！窗子破了！
• Alas,the truth is less romantic.然而，真理很少带有浪漫色彩。

18 confession   

n.自白，供认，承认

参考例句：

• Her confession was simply tantamount to a casual explanation.她的自白简直等于一篇即席说明。
• The police used torture to extort a confession from him.警察对他用刑逼供。

19 beseech   

v.祈求，恳求

参考例句：

• I beseech you to do this before it is too late.我恳求你做做这件事吧，趁现在还来得及。
• I beseech your favor.我恳求您帮忙。