Three days ago Bwikov came again to see me. At the time I was alone, for Thedora had gone out somewhere. As soon as I opened the door the sight of him so terrified me that I stood rooted to the spot, and could feel myself turning pale. Entering with his usual loud laugh, he took a chair, and sat down. For a long while I could not collect my thoughts; I just sat where I was, and went on with my work. Soon his smile faded, for my appearance seemed somehow to have struck him. You see, of late I have grown thin, and my eyes and cheeks have fallen in, and my face has become as white as a sheet; so that anyone who knew me a year ago would scarcely recognise me now. After a prolonged inspection1, Bwikov seemed to recover his spirits, for he said something to which I duly replied. Then again he laughed. Thus he sat for a whole hour—talking to me the while, and asking me questions about one thing and another. At length, just before he rose to depart, he took me by the hand, and said (to quote his exact words): “Between ourselves, Barbara Alexievna, that kinswoman of yours and my good friend and acquaintance—I refer to Anna Thedorovna—is a very bad woman,” (he also added a grosser term of opprobrium). “First of all she led your cousin astray, and then she ruined yourself. I also have behaved like a villain2, but such is the way of the world.” Again he laughed. Next, having remarked that, though not a master of eloquence3, he had always considered that obligations of gentility obliged him to have with me a clear and outspoken4 explanation, he went on to say that he sought my hand in marriage; that he looked upon it as a duty to restore to me my honour; that he could offer me riches; that, after marriage, he would take me to his country seat in the Steppes, where we would hunt hares; that he intended never to visit St. Petersburg again, since everything there was horrible, and he had to entertain a worthless nephew whom he had sworn to disinherit in favour of a legal heir; and, finally, that it was to obtain such a legal heir that he was seeking my hand in marriage. Lastly, he remarked that I seemed to be living in very poor circumstances (which was not surprising, said he, in view of the kennel5 that I inhabited); that I should die if I remained a month longer in that den6; that all lodgings7 in St. Petersburg were detestable; and that he would be glad to know if I was in want of anything.
So thunderstruck was I with the proposal that I could only burst into tears. These tears he interpreted as a sign of gratitude8, for he told me that he had always felt assured of my good sense, cleverness, and sensibility, but that hitherto he had hesitated to take this step until he should have learned precisely9 how I was getting on. Next he asked me some questions about YOU; saying that he had heard of you as a man of good principle, and that since he was unwilling10 to remain your debtor11, would a sum of five hundred roubles repay you for all you had done for me? To this I replied that your services to myself had been such as could never be requited12 with money; whereupon, he exclaimed that I was talking rubbish and nonsense; that evidently I was still young enough to read poetry; that romances of this kind were the undoing13 of young girls, that books only corrupted14 morality, and that, for his part, he could not abide15 them. “You ought to live as long as I have done,” he added, “and THEN you will see what men can be.” With that he requested me to give his proposal my favourable16 consideration—saying that he would not like me to take such an important step unguardedly, since want of thought and impetuosity often spelt ruin to youthful inexperience, but that he hoped to receive an answer in the affirmative. “Otherwise,” said he, “I shall have no choice but to marry a certain merchant’s daughter in Moscow, in order that I may keep my vow17 to deprive my nephew of the inheritance.”—Then he pressed five hundred roubles into my hand—to buy myself some bonbons18, as he phrased it—and wound up by saying that in the country I should grow as fat as a doughnut or a cheese rolled in butter; that at the present moment he was extremely busy; and that, deeply engaged in business though he had been all day, he had snatched the present opportunity of paying me a visit. At length he departed. For a long time I sat plunged19 in reflection. Great though my distress20 of mind was, I soon arrived at a decision.... My friend, I am going to marry this man; I have no choice but to accept his proposal. If anyone could save me from this squalor, and restore to me my good name, and avert21 from me future poverty and want and misfortune, he is the man to do it. What else have I to look for from the future? What more am I to ask of fate? Thedora declares that one need NEVER lose one’s happiness; but what, I ask HER, can be called happiness under such circumstances as mine? At all events I see no other road open, dear friend. I see nothing else to be done. I have worked until I have ruined my health. I cannot go on working forever. Shall I go out into the world? Nay22; I am worn to a shadow with grief, and become good for nothing. Sickly by nature, I should merely be a burden upon other folks. Of course this marriage will not bring me paradise, but what else does there remain, my friend—what else does there remain? What other choice is left?
I had not asked your advice earlier for the reason that I wanted to think the matter over alone. However, the decision which you have just read is unalterable, and I am about to announce it to Bwikov himself, who in any case has pressed me for a speedy reply, owing to the fact (so he says) that his business will not wait nor allow him to remain here longer, and that therefore, no trifle must be allowed to stand in its way. God alone knows whether I shall be happy, but my fate is in His holy, His inscrutable hand, and I have so decided23. Bwikov is said to be kind-hearted. He will at least respect me, and perhaps I shall be able to return that respect. What more could be looked for from such a marriage?
I have now told you all, Makar Alexievitch, and feel sure that you will understand my despondency. Do not, however, try to divert me from my intention, for all your efforts will be in vain. Think for a moment; weigh in your heart for a moment all that has led me to take this step. At first my anguish24 was extreme, but now I am quieter. What awaits me I know not. What must be must be, and as God may send....
Bwikov has just arrived, so I am leaving this letter unfinished. Otherwise I had much else to say to you. Bwikov is even now at the door!...
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1
inspection
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| n.检查，审查，检阅 | |
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2
villain
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| n.反派演员，反面人物；恶棍；问题的起因 | |
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3
eloquence
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| n.雄辩；口才，修辞 | |
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4
outspoken
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| adj.直言无讳的，坦率的，坦白无隐的 | |
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5
kennel
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| n.狗舍，狗窝 | |
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den
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| n.兽穴；秘密地方；安静的小房间，私室 | |
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7
lodgings
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| n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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8
gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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9
precisely
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| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
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10
unwilling
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| adj.不情愿的 | |
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11
debtor
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| n.借方，债务人 | |
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12
requited
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| v.报答( requite的过去式和过去分词 )；酬谢；回报；报复 | |
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13
undoing
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| n.毁灭的原因，祸根；破坏，毁灭 | |
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14
corrupted
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| （使）败坏( corrupt的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）腐化； 引起（计算机文件等的）错误； 破坏 | |
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15
abide
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| vi.遵守；坚持；vt.忍受 | |
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16
favourable
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| adj.赞成的，称赞的，有利的，良好的，顺利的 | |
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17
vow
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| n.誓(言)，誓约；v.起誓，立誓 | |
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18
bonbons
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| n.小糖果( bonbon的名词复数 ) | |
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19
plunged
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| v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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20
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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21
avert
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| v.防止，避免；转移(目光、注意力等) | |
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22
nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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23
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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24
anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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