By the force of circumstances most people are civil enough in general society; while many fail to keep to their high standard in the intimacy8 of home life and in their intercourse with inferiors, which is a pity, as these are the two cases where self-restraint and amenity9 are most required. Politeness is, after all, but the dictate10 of a kind heart, and supplies the oil necessary to make the social machinery11 run smoothly12. In home life, which is the association during many hours each day of people of varying dispositions13, views, and occupations, friction14 is inevitable15; and there is especial need of lubrication to lessen16 the wear and tear and eliminate jarring.
Americans are always much shocked to learn that we are not popular on the Continent. Such a discovery comes to either a nation or an individual like a douche of cold water on nice, warm conceit17, and brings with it a feeling of discouragement, of being unjustly treated, that is painful, for we are very “touchy” in America, and cry out when a foreigner expresses anything but admiration18 for our ways, yet we are the last to lend ourselves to foreign customs.
It has been a home thrust for many of us to find that our dear friends the French sympathized warmly with Spain in the recent struggle, and had little but sneers19 for us. One of the reasons for this partiality is not hard to discover.
The Spanish who travel are mostly members of an aristocracy celebrated20 for its grave courtesy, which has gone a long way toward making them popular on the Continent, while we have for years been riding rough-shod over the feelings and prejudices of the European peoples, under the pleasing but fallacious illusion that the money we spent so lavishly21 in foreign lands would atone22 for all our sins. The large majority of our travelling compatriots forget that an elaborate etiquette exists abroad regulating the intercourse between one class and another, the result of centuries of civilization, and as the Medic and Persian laws for durability23. In our ignorance we break many of these social laws and give offence where none was intended.
A single illustration will explain my meaning. A young American girl once went to the mistress of a pension where she was staying and complained that the concierge24 of the house had been impertinent. When the proprietress asked the concierge what this meant, the latter burst out with her wrongs. “Since Miss B. has been in this house, she has never once bowed to me, or addressed a word to either my husband or myself that was not a question or an order; she walks in and out of my loge to look for letters or take her key as though my room were the street; I won’t stand such treatment from any one, much less from a girl. The duchess who lives au quatrième never passes without a kind word or an inquiry25 after the children or my health.”
Now this American girl had erred26 through ignorance of the fact that in France servants are treated as humble28 friends. The man who brings your matutinal coffee says “Good morning” on entering the room, and inquires if “Monsieur has slept well,” expecting to be treated with the same politeness he shows to you.
The lady who sits at the caisse of the restaurant you frequent is as sure of her position as her customers are of theirs, and exacts a courteous29 salutation from every one entering or leaving her presence; logically, for no gentleman would enter a ladies’ drawing-room without removing his hat. The fact that a woman is obliged to keep a shop in no way relieves him of this obligation.
People on the Continent know their friends’ servants by name, and speak to them on arriving at a house, and thank them for an opened door or offered coat; if a tip is given it is accompanied by a gracious word. So rare is this form of civility in America and England (for Britons err27 as gravely in this matter as ourselves) that our servants are surprised and inclined to resent politeness, as in the case of an English butler who recently came to his master and said he should be “obliged to leave.” On being questioned it came out that one of the guests was in the habit of chatting with him, “and,” added the Briton, “I won’t stand being took liberties with by no one.”
Some years ago I happened to be standing30 in the vestibule of the Hôtel Bristol as the Princess of Wales and her daughters were leaving. Mr. Morlock, the proprietor31, was at the foot of the stairs to take leave of those ladies, who shook hands with and thanked him for his attention during their stay, and for the flowers he had sent. Nothing could have been more gracious and freer from condescension32 than their manner, and it undoubtedly33 produced the best impression. The waiter who served me at that time was also under their charm, and remarked several times that “there had never been ladies so easy to please or so considerate of the servants.”
My neighbor at dinner the other evening confided34 to me that she was “worn out being fitted.” “I had such an unpleasant experience this morning,” she added. “The jupière could not get one of my skirts to hang properly. After a dozen attempts I told her to send for the forewoman, when, to my horror, the girl burst out crying, and said she should lose her place if I did. I was very sorry for her, but what else could I do?” It does not seem as if that lady could be very popular with inferiors, does it?
That it needs a lighter35 hand and more tact36 to deal with tradespeople than with equals is certain, and we are sure to be the losers when we fail. The last time I was in the East a friend took me into the bazaars37 to see a carpet he was anxious to buy. The price asked was out of all proportion to its value, but we were gravely invited by the merchant to be seated and coffee was served, that bargaining (which is the backbone38 of Oriental trade) might be carried on at leisure. My friend, nervous and impatient, like all our race, turned to me and said, “What’s all this tomfoolery? Tell him I’ll give so much for his carpet; he can take it or leave it.” When this was interpreted to the bearded tradesman, he smiled and came down a few dollars in his price, and ordered more coffee. By this time we were outside his shop, and left without the carpet simply because my friend could not conform to the customs of the country he was visiting. The sale of his carpet was a big affair for the Oriental; he intended to carry it through with all the ceremony the occasion required, and would sooner not make a sale than be hustled39 out of his stately routine.
It is not only in intercourse with inferiors that tact is required. The treatment of children and young people in a family calls for delicate handling. The habit of taking liberties with young relations is a common form of a relaxed social code and the besetting40 sin of elderly people, who, having little to interest them in their own lives, imagine that their mission is to reform the ways and manners of their family. Ensconced behind the respect which the young are supposed to pay them, they give free vent41 to inclination42, and carp, cavil43, and correct. The victims may have reached maturity44 or even middle age, but remain always children to these social policemen, to be reproved and instructed in and out of season. “I am doing this for your own good,” is an excuse that apparently45 frees the veterans from the necessity of respecting the prejudices and feelings of their pupils, and lends a gloss46 of unselfishness to actions which are simply impertinent. Oddly enough, amateur “schoolmarms” who fall into this unpleasant habit are generally oversensitive, and resent as a personal affront47 any restlessness under criticism on the part of their victims. It is easy, once the habit is acquired, to carry the suavity48 and consideration of general society into the home circle, yet how often is it done? I should like to see the principle that ordered presentation of arms to the infant princess applied49 to our intimate relations, and the rights of the young and dependent scrupulously50 respected.
In the third act of Caste, when old Eccles steals the “coral” from his grandson’s neck, he excuses the theft by a grandiloquent51 soliloquy, and persuades himself that he is protecting “the weak and the humble” (pointing to himself) “against the powerful and the strong” (pointing to the baby). Alas52, too many of us take liberties with those whom we do not fear, and excuse our little acts of cowardice53 with arguments as fallacious as those of drunken old Eccles.
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1
encumbering
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| v.妨碍，阻碍，拖累( encumber的现在分词 ) | |
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etiquette
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| n.礼仪，礼节；规矩 | |
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intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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complimentary
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| adj.赠送的，免费的，赞美的，恭维的 | |
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toady
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| v.奉承；n.谄媚者，马屁精 | |
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abhorrent
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| adj.可恶的，可恨的，讨厌的 | |
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intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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amenity
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| n.pl.生活福利设施，文娱康乐场所；（不可数）愉快，适意 | |
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10
dictate
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| v.口授；(使)听写；指令，指示，命令 | |
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machinery
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| n.(总称)机械，机器；机构 | |
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smoothly
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| adv.平滑地，顺利地，流利地，流畅地 | |
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dispositions
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| 安排( disposition的名词复数 )； 倾向； （财产、金钱的）处置； 气质 | |
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14
friction
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| n.摩擦，摩擦力 | |
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15
inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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16
lessen
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| vt.减少，减轻；缩小 | |
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conceit
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| n.自负，自高自大 | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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sneers
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| 讥笑的表情（言语）( sneer的名词复数 ) | |
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20
celebrated
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| adj.有名的，声誉卓著的 | |
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lavishly
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| adv.慷慨地，大方地 | |
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atone
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| v.赎罪，补偿 | |
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durability
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| n.经久性，耐用性 | |
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concierge
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| n.管理员；门房 | |
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inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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26
erred
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| 犯错误，做错事( err的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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err
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| vi.犯错误，出差错 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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courteous
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| adj.彬彬有礼的，客气的 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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proprietor
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| n.所有人；业主；经营者 | |
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condescension
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| n.自以为高人一等，贬低(别人) | |
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undoubtedly
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| adv.确实地，无疑地 | |
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34
confided
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| v.吐露（秘密，心事等）( confide的过去式和过去分词 )；（向某人）吐露（隐私、秘密等） | |
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35
lighter
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| n.打火机，点火器；驳船；v.用驳船运送；light的比较级 | |
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tact
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| n.机敏，圆滑，得体 | |
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bazaars
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| （东方国家的）市场( bazaar的名词复数 )； 义卖； 义卖市场； （出售花哨商品等的）小商品市场 | |
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38
backbone
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| n.脊骨，脊柱，骨干；刚毅，骨气 | |
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hustled
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| 催促（hustle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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besetting
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| adj.不断攻击的v.困扰( beset的现在分词 )；不断围攻；镶；嵌 | |
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41
vent
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| n.通风口，排放口；开衩；vt.表达，发泄 | |
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42
inclination
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| n.倾斜；点头；弯腰；斜坡；倾度；倾向；爱好 | |
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43
cavil
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| v.挑毛病，吹毛求疵 | |
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44
maturity
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| n.成熟；完成；(支票、债券等)到期 | |
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45
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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46
gloss
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| n.光泽，光滑；虚饰；注释；vt.加光泽于；掩饰 | |
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47
affront
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| n./v.侮辱，触怒 | |
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48
suavity
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| n.温和；殷勤 | |
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49
applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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50
scrupulously
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| adv.一丝不苟地；小心翼翼地，多顾虑地 | |
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51
grandiloquent
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| adj.夸张的 | |
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52
alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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53
cowardice
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| n.胆小，怯懦 | |
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