CHAPTER IV

 Even after her baby's funeral, Luella still couldn't believe that she had lost him. She came back to the apartment and walked around the nursery in a circle, saying his name. Then, frightened by grief, she sat down and stared at his white rocker with the red chicken painted on the side.

 

"What will become of me now?" she whispered to herself. "Something awful is going to happen to me when I realize that I'll never see Chuck any more!"

 

She wasn't sure yet. If she waited here till twilight¹, the nurse might still bring him in from his walk. She remembered a tragic² confusion in the midst of which some one had told her that Chuck was dead, but if that was so, then why was his room waiting, with his small brush and comb still on the bureau, and why was she here at all?

 

"Mrs. Hemple."

 

She looked up. The weary, shabby figure of Doctor Moon stood in the door.

 

"You go away," Luella said dully.

 

"Your husband needs you."

 

"I don't care."

 

Doctor Moon came a little way into the room.

 

"I don't think you understand, Mrs. Hemple. He's been calling for you. You haven't any one now except him."

 

"I hate you," she said suddenly.

 

"If you like. I promised nothing, you know. I do the best I can. You'll be better when you realize that your baby is gone, that you're not going to see him any more."

 

Luella sprang to her feet.

 

"My baby isn't dead!" she cried. "You lie! You always lie!" Her flashing eyes looked into his and caught something there, at once brutal³ and kind, that awed⁴ her and made her impotent and acquiescent⁵. She lowered her own eyes in tired despair.

 

"All right," she said wearily. "My baby is gone. What shall I do now?"

 

"Your husband is much better. All he needs is rest and kindness. But you must go to him and tell him what's happened."

 

"I suppose you think you made him better," said Luella bitterly.

 

"Perhaps. He's nearly well."

 

Nearly well—then the last link that held her to her home was broken. This part of her life was over—she could cut it off here, with its grief and oppression, and be off now, free as the wind.

 

"I'll go to him in a minute," Luella said in a far-away voice. "Please leave me alone."

 

Doctor Moon's unwelcome shadow melted into the darkness of the hall.

 

"I can go away," Luella whispered to herself. "Life has given me back freedom, in place of what it took away from me."

 

But she mustn't linger even a minute, or Life would bind⁶ her again and make her suffer once more. She called the apartment porter and asked that her trunk be brought up from the storeroom. Then she began taking things from the bureau and wardrobe, trying to approximate as nearly as possible the possessions that she had brought to her married life. She even found two old dresses that had formed part of her trousseau—out of style now, and a little tight in the hips—which she threw in with the rest. A new life. Charles was well again; and her baby, whom she had worshipped, and who had bored her a little, was dead.

 

When she had packed her trunk, she went into the kitchen automatically, to see about the preparations for dinner. She spoke⁷ to the cook about the special things for Charles and said that she herself was dining out. The sight of one of the small pans that had been used to cook Chuck's food caught her attention for a moment—but she stared at it unmoved. She looked into the ice-box and saw it was clean and fresh inside. Then she went into Charles's room. He was sitting up in bed, and the nurse was reading to him. His hair was almost white now, silvery white, and underneath⁸ it his eyes were huge and dark in his thin young face.

 

"The baby is sick?" he asked in his own natural voice.

 

She nodded.

 

He hesitated, closing his eyes for a moment. Then he asked:

 

"The baby is dead?"

 

"Yes."

 

For a long time he didn't speak. The nurse came over and put her hand on his forehead. Two large, strange tears welled from his eyes.

 

"I knew the baby was dead."

 

After another long wait, the nurse spoke:

 

"The doctor said he could be taken out for a drive to-day while there was still sunshine. He needs a little change."

 

"Yes."

 

"I thought"—the nurse hesitated—"I thought perhaps it would do you both good, Mrs. Hemple, if you took him instead of me."

 

Luella shook her head hastily.

 

"Oh, no," she said. "I don't feel able to, to-day."

 

The nurse looked at her oddly. With a sudden feeling of pity for Charles, Luella bent⁹ down gently and kissed his cheek. Then, without a word, she went to her own room, put on her hat and coat, and with her suitcase started for the front door.

 

Immediately she saw that there was a shadow in the hall. If she could get past that shadow, she was free. If she could go to the right or left of it, or order it out of her way! But, stubbornly, it refused to move, and with a little cry she sank down into a hall chair.

 

"I thought you'd gone," she wailed¹⁰. "I told you to go away."

 

"I'm going soon," said Doctor Moon, "but I don't want you to make an old mistake."

 

"I'm not making a mistake—I'm leaving my mistakes behind."

 

"You're trying to leave yourself behind, but you can't. The more you try to run away from yourself, the more you'll have yourself with you."

 

"But I've got to go away," she insisted wildly. "Out of this house of death and failure!"

 

"You haven't failed yet. You've only begun." She stood up.

 

"Let me pass."

 

"No."

 

Abruptly¹¹ she gave way, as she always did when he talked to her. She covered her face with her hands and burst into tears.

 

"Go back into that room and tell the nurse you'll take your husband for a drive," he suggested.

 

"I can't."

 

"Oh, yes."

 

Once more Luella looked at him, and knew that she would obey. With the conviction that her spirit was broken at last, she took up her suitcase and walked back through the hall.

 

1 twilight   

n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期

参考例句：

• Twilight merged into darkness.夕阳的光辉融于黑暗中。
• Twilight was sweet with the smell of lilac and freshly turned earth.薄暮充满紫丁香和新翻耕的泥土的香味。

2 tragic   

adj.悲剧的，悲剧性的，悲惨的

参考例句：

• The effect of the pollution on the beaches is absolutely tragic.污染海滩后果可悲。
• Charles was a man doomed to tragic issues.查理是个注定不得善终的人。

3 brutal   

adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的

参考例句：

• She has to face the brutal reality.她不得不去面对冷酷的现实。
• They're brutal people behind their civilised veneer.他们表面上温文有礼，骨子里却是野蛮残忍。

4 awed   

adj.充满敬畏的，表示敬畏的v.使敬畏，使惊惧( awe的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• The audience was awed into silence by her stunning performance. 观众席上鸦雀无声，人们对他出色的表演感到惊叹。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• I was awed by the huge gorilla. 那只大猩猩使我惊惧。 来自《简明英汉词典》

5 acquiescent   

adj.默许的，默认的

参考例句：

• My brother is of the acquiescent rather than the militant type.我弟弟是属于服从型的而不是好斗型的。
• She is too acquiescent,too ready to comply.她太百依百顺了。

6 bind   

vt.捆，包扎；装订；约束；使凝固；vi.变硬

参考例句：

• I will let the waiter bind up the parcel for you.我让服务生帮你把包裹包起来。
• He wants a shirt that does not bind him.他要一件不使他觉得过紧的衬衫。

7 spoke   

n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说

参考例句：

• They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
• The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。

8 underneath   

adj.在...下面，在...底下；adv.在下面

参考例句：

• Working underneath the car is always a messy job.在汽车底下工作是件脏活。
• She wore a coat with a dress underneath.她穿着一件大衣，里面套着一条连衣裙。

9 bent   

n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的

参考例句：

• He was fully bent upon the project.他一心扑在这项计划上。
• We bent over backward to help them.我们尽了最大努力帮助他们。

10 wailed   

v.哭叫，哀号( wail的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• She wailed over her father's remains. 她对着父亲的遗体嚎啕大哭。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
• The women of the town wailed over the war victims. 城里的妇女为战争的死难者们痛哭。 来自辞典例句

11 abruptly   

adv.突然地，出其不意地

参考例句：

• He gestured abruptly for Virginia to get in the car.他粗鲁地示意弗吉尼亚上车。
• I was abruptly notified that a half-hour speech was expected of me.我突然被通知要讲半个小时的话。