Full of dissatisfaction I wandered into the shed and loitered aimlessly about. As I stood there Jason came clattering2 homeward, his coat collar turned up and his curly head bowed to the deluge3.
“Yes; we came straight.”
“It was lovely in the meads, wasn’t it?” said he, with an odd glance at me.
“It’s been lovely all this May,” said I.
“And that means a fat churchyard. Old Rottengoose says: ‘A cold May and windy makes a full barn and findy.’ A queer one, old Peg5 is. She’d die if she cast a woolen6 before the first of June. I wonder what she’d think of sitting under a hedge in a northeaster?”
I started a little and shot a look askance at my brother. Could he have seen us? But his next words reassured7 me.
“Or of falling asleep in the shade, as I did, till the rain on my face woke me up.”
“Then you didn’t see us pass——” I began and stopped.
I gave a sigh of relief. My feelings toward Zyp were boyish and bashful and innocent enough, heaven knows; but in the shadow of my rough past they were beginning to glimmer9 out so strange and sweet that the merest suspicion of their incurring10 publicity11 filled me with a shame-faced terror of ridicule13 that was agony.
Freed from this dread14, I fell into an extreme of garrulity15 that landed me in a quagmire16 of discomfiture17.
After I had thus talked for a while, rather disconnectedly, he interrupted me.
“Renny,” he said, “you’re pretty fond of the girl, aren’t you?”
I heard him with a little shock of surprise.
“Not that I care,” he went on, airily, “except for your sake, old boy.”
“What do you mean?” I said.
“We’re up to a thing or two, aren’t we?” said he, “but she’s fifty tricks to our one.”
“She has her good points, Jason.”
“Oh, yes; lots of them. So many that it hardly seems worth while noticing her setting you up against me.”
“She’s never done anything of the sort!” I cried, hotly.
“Hasn’t she? Well, that’s all right, and we can be chums again. I only wanted to warn you against putting faith in a chit that can wear a new face easier than her dress, to you, or Modred, or—or any one.”
“Modred!” I cried, in astonishment18.
“Oh, don’t suppose,” he said, “that you’re sole lord of her heart.”
“I never did suppose it,” I answered, thickly. “Why should I? She’s free to fancy whom she likes”—but my heart sunk within me.
“Yes; that’s the way to look at it,” he said. “You wouldn’t think she could find much to admire in that fatty, now, would you?”
“How do you know she does?”
“I do know—that’s enough.”
“Well, isn’t he a sort of brother to her?” I said—with a courageous19 effort—“as we all are.”
“Of course. That’s it.”
“And I don’t know what you mean by ‘any one’ else.”
“Don’t you?” He laughed and flung away a stone he had been idly playing with. “Well, I meant Modred, or—or any one else.”
“Who else?”
“Dad, say—or Dr. Crackenthorpe.”
“Oh, you’re an idiot!” I cried; “I won’t talk to you”—and I left him and ran indoors.
But he had driven the sting home and the poison already worked furiously in me. How can I explain why? It was true, what he had said, every word of it. She had set me against him, Jason—not in words, but by a tacit conviction of him as one who had of his own act bared his soul momentarily, and revealed a sinister20 brand across it hitherto unguessed at.
Well, this was the first waking from the boyish dream, and should I ever dream it again? I had said we were all in a manner her brothers, and that she was free to smile on whom she chose. What a pitiful handful of dust for all eyes but my own! I felt the passion of longing21 for her single love surge in me as I spoke. I had never till that moment dreamed of combating another for possession of it. She had seemed mine by right of fortune’s gift from the first, nor had she by her behavior appeared to question the right. We had confidences, discussions, little secrets together, which none but we might share in. We walked and talked and leaned toward one another, with a sense of mutual22 understanding that was pathetic, I am sure—at least as to my share in it—in God’s eyes.
And now to find that all the time she was on like secret terms with Modred—with Jason, too, perhaps, judging by his sidelong innuendoes24, though it made my heart sick to think that she could play so double faced a game between me and one whom she professed25 to hate and despise.
What a drama of dolls it was! And how soon the drama was to turn into a tragedy!
I went indoors and upstairs to the room which Jason and I shared and flung myself on the bed. Then I was properly shocked and horrified26 to find that my cheeks were suddenly wet with tears—a humiliating discovery for a tough-sinewed young barbarian27 to make. What an admirable sight, indeed! Renalt Trender, sniffing28 and snuffling for a girl’s favor!
Pride, however, is everywhere indigenous29, and this came to my assistance. If the minx played sham12 with me I would meet her with her own tactics and affect indifference30. What a triumphant31 picture this:
Zyp—“Why have you been different to me of late, Renny? Aren’t you fond of me now?”
Renny—“My good little Zyp, the fact is I have tired a bit of the novelty. It has been my first experience of the society of a girl, you know, and very pleasant while it lasted; but I confess to a little longing for a resumption of the old independence and freedom. Perhaps some day again we will walk and converse32 together as of old.”
Atop of this imaginary question and answer rose a smugly anguishing33 picture of Zyp flushed and in tears (my imagination insisted on these in bucketsful, to out-flood my own temporary weakness); of Zyp hurt and sorrowing, but always striving by every means in her power to win back my lost favor.
Alas34, poor little clown! I fear it is just those who have the fancy to conjure35 up such pictures who suffer most cruelly from the non-realization of the hopes of youth. Braced36 to the test, however, and not knowing myself in weak armor, I came down to supper that evening prickling all through with resolve.
Jason was in the room alone, as I entered, and was walking feverishly37 up and down.
“Hist!” he said, softly, seizing me by the arm; “come here and look for yourself.”
He dragged me to the little square window, which was open. It looked out at the back, and beneath was the railed platform before mentioned.
I knew that I was urged to act the spy, and yet—so demoralizing is jealousy—like a dog I went. Softly we craned our necks through the opening and looked down. Trees all about here bordered the river banks, so as to make the rear of our mill quite secret and secluded38.
She, Zyp, was standing23 on the platform with her arm round Modred’s neck. She seemed trying to coax39 something from him which he was reluctant to part with. As he evaded40 her efforts I saw what it was—the little round yellow object I had noticed in his hand earlier in the afternoon.
“You know the condition, Zyp.”
“I have let you kiss me over and over again.”
“But you haven’t kissed me yet.”
She stamped her foot. “Nor ever shall!” she cried.
“Then here goes,” he said, and slipped it into his pocket.
At that she rushed at him and wound her arms about him like a young panther.
“Shall I tear you with my teeth?” she said, but instead she smoothed his face with one hand disengaged and murmured to him:
“Modred, dear, you got it for me, you know; you said so.”
“And precious frightened I was, Zyp.”
“Well, it is mine, isn’t it?”
“If you give me the kiss.”
My father’s step on the stairs brought our heads in with a clatter1. We heard them scuttle43 into the house, and a moment later they appeared in the room. Modred’s face was flushed and bore a heavy, embarrassed expression, but Zyp looked quite cool and self-possessed.
I took no notice of her during the meal, but talked, daring in my misery44, to my father, who condescended45 to answer me now and again, and I could see that she wondered at me.
Supper over, I hurried to my room, and shutting myself in, went and sat by the window and gave my tormented46 soul to the night. Had I never met Zyp, I doubt if I should ever in my manhood have realized what the grown-up, I think, seldom do, the amount of torture and wrong the young heart may endure without bursting—with no hope of sympathy, moreover, except that half-amused tolerant form of it which the old think it sufficient to extend to youth’s elastic47 grievances48.
By and by Jason stole in. For some little time he sat upon his bed, silent; then he said in a soft voice:
“Let’s cry quits, Renny. I think I’ve paid you out for that little accident of the meads.”
“I hate you!” I said, quietly, and indeed it seemed to me that his cruelty deserved no better a reward.
He laughed, and was silent again, and presently began to undress for bed, whistling softly all the time.
I took no notice of him; but long after when he was breathing peacefully asleep, I laid my own aching head, tired with misery, on the pillow, and tried to follow his example. I was not to succeed until faint daylight came through the casement49 and the birds were twittering outside—was never, indeed, to know sleep in its innocence50 again.
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1
clatter
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| v./n.(使)发出连续而清脆的撞击声 | |
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clattering
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| 发出咔哒声（clatter的现在分词形式） | |
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3
deluge
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| n./vt.洪水，暴雨，使泛滥 | |
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4
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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peg
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| n.木栓，木钉；vt.用木钉钉，用短桩固定 | |
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6
woolen
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| adj.羊毛(制)的；毛纺的 | |
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7
reassured
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| adj.使消除疑虑的；使放心的v.再保证，恢复信心( reassure的过去式和过去分词) | |
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8
eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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glimmer
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| v.发出闪烁的微光；n.微光，微弱的闪光 | |
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10
incurring
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| 遭受，招致，引起( incur的现在分词 ) | |
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11
publicity
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| n.众所周知，闻名；宣传，广告 | |
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sham
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| n./adj.假冒(的)，虚伪(的) | |
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ridicule
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| v.讥讽，挖苦；n.嘲弄 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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garrulity
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| n.饶舌，多嘴 | |
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quagmire
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| n.沼地 | |
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discomfiture
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| n.崩溃；大败；挫败；困惑 | |
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astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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courageous
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| adj.勇敢的，有胆量的 | |
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sinister
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| adj.不吉利的，凶恶的，左边的 | |
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21
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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24
innuendoes
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| n.影射的话( innuendo的名词复数 )；讽刺的话；含沙射影；暗讽 | |
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25
professed
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| 公开声称的，伪称的，已立誓信教的 | |
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horrified
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| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
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barbarian
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| n.野蛮人；adj.野蛮(人)的；未开化的 | |
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28
sniffing
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| n.探查法v.以鼻吸气，嗅，闻( sniff的现在分词 )；抽鼻子（尤指哭泣、患感冒等时出声地用鼻子吸气）；抱怨，不以为然地说 | |
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indigenous
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| adj.土产的，土生土长的，本地的 | |
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indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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31
triumphant
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| adj.胜利的，成功的；狂欢的，喜悦的 | |
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32
converse
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| vi.谈话，谈天，闲聊；adv.相反的，相反 | |
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33
anguishing
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| v.（尤指心理上的）极度的痛苦( anguish的现在分词 ) | |
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alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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35
conjure
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| v.恳求，祈求；变魔术，变戏法 | |
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36
braced
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| adj.拉牢的v.支住( brace的过去式和过去分词 )；撑牢；使自己站稳；振作起来 | |
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feverishly
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| adv. 兴奋地 | |
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38
secluded
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| adj.与世隔绝的；隐退的；偏僻的v.使隔开，使隐退( seclude的过去式和过去分词) | |
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39
coax
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| v.哄诱，劝诱，用诱哄得到，诱取 | |
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40
evaded
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| 逃避( evade的过去式和过去分词 )； 避开； 回避； 想不出 | |
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41
subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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42
loutishly
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| 笨拙的，粗野的 | |
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43
scuttle
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| v.急赶，疾走，逃避；n.天窗；舷窗 | |
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44
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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45
condescended
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| 屈尊，俯就( condescend的过去式和过去分词 )； 故意表示和蔼可亲 | |
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46
tormented
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| 饱受折磨的 | |
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47
elastic
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| n.橡皮圈，松紧带；adj.有弹性的；灵活的 | |
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48
grievances
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| n.委屈( grievance的名词复数 )；苦衷；不满；牢骚 | |
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49
casement
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| n.竖铰链窗；窗扉 | |
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50
innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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