Often the first shock of some unexpected mental blow shakes from the soul, not its corresponding emotion, but that emotion’s exact antithesis1. Thus, when Jason spoke2 I laughed. I could not on the moment believe that such hideous3 retribution was demanded of my already writhed4 and repentant5 conscience, and it seemed to me that he must be jesting in very ugly fashion.
Perhaps he looked astonished; anyhow he said:
“You needn’t make a joke of it. Are you awake? Modred’s dead, I tell you.”
I sprung from the bed; I clutched him and pulled him to and fro.
“Tell me you lie—you lie—you lie!” I cried.
He did not. I could see it in his face. There and then the drought of Tophet withered7 and constricted8 my life. I was branded and doomed9 forevermore; a thing to shudder10 at and avoid.
“I will dress and come!” I said, relaxing from my hold on him, and turned away and began to hurry on my clothes. I had not felt so set in quietness since the morning of two days past. I could even think calmly and balance the pros11 and cons6 of my future behavior.
Each man must be his own judge, his own plaintiff, his own defendant—an atom of self-contained equity12. By his own ruling in matters of right and wrong he must abide13, suffer his own punishments, enjoy his own rewards. He is a lonely organism, in whom only himself took an interest, and as such he must be content to endure with calmness the misinterpretations of aliens.
Modred had forgiven me. Whatever was the condition, whatever the deed, it was too late now to convince me that no justification14 existed for my rebellion against fate.
My elder, my only brother now, watched me in silence as I dressed.
“Where is he?” I said, when I had finished.
“In bed as he was left,” said Jason. “I went in this morning, while you were asleep, and found him—ah, he looks horrible,” he cried, and broke off with a shudder.
They were all in the room when we entered it. My father, Dr. Crackenthorpe, Zyp—even old Peggy, who was busying herself, with the vulture relish19 of her kind, over the little artificial decencies of dress and posture20 that seem such an outrage21 on the solemn unresistance of the dead.
Directly we came in Zyp ran to Jason and clung to him sobbing22. I noticed it with a sort of dull resignation, and that was all; for Peggy, who had drawn23 a sheet over the lifeless face, pulled it down that I might look.
Then, for all my stoicism, I gave a cry.
I had left my brother the night before tired, needing rest, but, save for the extra pallor of his complexion24 that never boasted a great deal of color, much like his usual self. Now the dead face lying back on the pillows was awful to look upon. Spots and bars of livid purple disfigured its waxen whiteness—on the cheeks, the ears, the throat, where a deep patch was. It was greatly swollen25, too, and the mouth so rigidly26 open that it had defied all effort to bind27 it close. A couple of pennies, like a hideous pair of glasses, lay, one over each eye, where they could only be kept in position by means of a filament28 drawn tightly round the head. The hands, stiffly crossed, with the fingers crooked29 like talons30, lay over the breast, fastened into position with a ligature.
I turned away, feeling sick and faint. I think I reeled, for presently I found that Dr. Crackenthorpe was supporting me against his arm.
“Oh, why is he like that?” I whispered.
“’Tis a common afterclap in deaths by drowning,” said he, speaking in a loud, insistent31 voice, as if not for the first time. “A stoppage—a relapse. During the weak small hours, when the patient’s strength is at its lowest, the overwrought lungs refuse to work—collapse, and he dies of suffocation32.”
He looked at my father as he spoke, but elicited33 no response. It was palpable that the heavy potations of the night had so deadened the latter’s faculties34 as to make him incapable35 for the moment of realizing the full enormity of the sight before him.
“Mark me,” said the doctor; “it’s a plain case, I say, nothing out of the way; no complications. The wretched boy to all intents and purposes has been drowned.”
“Who drowned him?” said my father. He spoke thickly, stupidly; but I started, with a dreadful feeling that the locked jaws36 must relax and denounce me before them all.
Seeing his hopeless state, the doctor took my father’s arm and led him from the room. Zyp still clung to my brother.
“Cover it up,” whispered Jason. “He isn’t a pretty sight!”
“He wasn’t a pretty boy,” muttered Peggy, reluctantly hiding the dreadful face; “To a old woman’s view it speaks of more than his deserts. Nobody’ll come to look at me, I expect.”
“You heard what the doctor said?” asked Jason, looking across at me.
“Yes.”
“Drowned—you understand? Drowned, Renny?”
“Drowned,” I repeated, mechanically.
“Come, Zyp,” he said; “this isn’t the place for you any longer.”
They passed out of the room, she still clinging to him, so that her face was hidden.
I did not measure his words at that time. I had no thought for nice discriminations of tone; what did I care for anything any longer?
Presently I heard old Peg18 muttering again. She thought the room was emptied of us and she softly removed the face cloth once more.
“Ay, there ye lies, Modred—safe never to spy on poor old Rottengoose again! Ye were a bad lot, ye were; but Peg’s been more’n enough for you, she has, my lad.”
Suddenly she saw me out of the tail of her eye, and turned upon me, livid with fury.
“What are ye listening to, Renalt? A black curse on spies, Renalt, I say!”
“What a good lad to stay wi’ his brother! But Peg’ll do the tending, Renalt. She be a crass39 old body and apt to reviling40 in her speech, but she don’t mean it, bless you; it’s the tic doldrums in her head.”
I repelled41 the horrible old creature and fled from the room. What she meant I neither knew nor cared, for we had always looked upon her as a feckless body, with a big worm in her brain.
All the long morning I wandered about the house, scarcely knowing what I did or whither I went. Once I found myself in the room of silence, not remembering when I had come there or for what reason. The fact, merely, was impressed upon me by a gradual change in the nature of my sensations. Something seemed to be asking a question of me which I was striving and striving to answer. It didn’t distress42 me at first, for a nearer misery43 overwhelmed everything, but by and by its insistence44 pierced a passage through all dull obstacles, and the something took up its abode45 in me and reigned46 and grew. I felt myself yielding, yielding; and strove now to beat off the inevitable47 horror of the answer that was rising in me. I did not know what it was, or the question to which it was a response—only I saw that if I yielded to it and spoke it, I should die then and there of the black terror of its revelation.
I sprung to my feet with a cry, and saw, or thought I saw, Modred standing48 by the water wheel and beckoning49 to me. If I had strength to escape, it was enough for that and no more, for everything seemed to go from me till I found myself sitting at the foot of the stairs, with Jason looking oddly down upon me.
“I needn’t get up,” I said. “Modred isn’t dead, after all.”
I think I heard him shout out. Anyhow, I felt myself lifted up and carried somewhere and put down. If they had thought to restrain me, however, they should have managed things better; for I was up in a moment and out at the window. I had often thought one wanted only the will to forget gravity and float through the air, and here I was doing it. What a glorious sensation it was! I laughed to think how long I had remained like a reptile50, bound to the plodding51 miserable52 earth, when all the time I had power to escape from myself and float on and on far away from all those heart-breaking troubles. If I only went very swiftly at first I should soon be too distant for them to track me, and then I should be free. I felt a little anxious, for there was a faint noise behind me. I strove to put on pace; if my limbs had responded to my efforts no bird could have outstripped53 me. But I saw with agony that the harder I fought the less way I made. I struggled and sobbed54 and clutched myself blindly onward55, and all the time the noise behind grew deeper. If I pushed myself off with a foot to the ground I only floated a very little way now. Then I saw a railing and pulled myself along with it toilsomely, but some great pressure was in front of me and my feet slipped into holes at every step. Panting, straining, slipping, as if on blood—why! It was blood! I had to yield at last.
My passion of hope was done with. I lay in a white set horror, not daring to move or look. How deadly quiet the room was, but not for long, for a little stealthy rustle56 of the sheet beside me prickled through my whole being with its ghastly stirring. Then I knew it had secretly risen on its elbow and was leaning over and looking down upon me. If I could only perspire57, I thought, my bonds would loosen and I could escape from it. But it was cunning and knew that, too, and it sealed all the surface of my skin with its acrid58 exhalations. Suddenly it clutched me in its crooked arms and bore me down, down to the room of silence. There was a sickening odor there and the covering of the wheel was open. Then, with a shudder, as of death, I thought I found the answer; for now it was plain that the great wheel was driven by blood, not water. As I looked aghast, straining over, it gave me a stealthy push and, with a shriek59, I splashed among the paddles and was whirled down. For ages I was spun60 and beaten round and round, mashed61, mangled62, gasping63 for breath and choked with the horrible crimson64 broth15 that fed the insane and furious grinding of the wheel. At the end, glutted65 with torture, it flung me forth66 into a parching67 desert of sand, and, spinning from me, became far away a revolving68 disk of red that made the low-down sun of that waste corner of the world.
I was alone, now—always alone. No footsteps had ever trod that trackless level, nor would, I knew, till time was ended. I had no hope; no green memory for oasis69; no power of speech even. Then I knew I was dead; had been dead so long that my body had crackled and fallen to decay, leaving my soul only, like the stone of a fruit, quick with wretched impulse to shoot upward but dreadfully imprisoned70 from doing so.
Sometimes in the world the massive columns of the cathedral had suggested to me a like sensation; a moral impress of weight and stoniness71 that had driven me to bow my head and creep, sweating away from their inexorable stolidity72. Now I was built into such a body—more, was an integral part of it. Yet could my pinioned73 nerves never assimilate its passionless obduracy74, but jerked and struggled in agony to be free. Oh, how divine is the instinct that paints heaven all light and airiness, and innocent forevermore of the sense of weight!
Suddenly I heard Zyp’s voice, singing outside in the world, and in a moment tears, most blessed, blessed tears, sprung from my eyes and I was free. The stone cracked and fell asunder75, and I leaped out madly shrieking76 at my release.
She was sitting under a tree in a beautiful meadow and her young voice rose sweetly as she prinked her hat with daisies and yellow king-cups. She called me to her and gave me tender names and smoothed away the pain from my forehead with kisses and the cunning of her elfish brown hand.
“Come, drink,” she said, “and you will be better.”
I woke to life and looked up. She was standing by my bed, holding a cup toward my lips, and at the foot Jason leaned, looking on.
“Have I been ill?” I said, in a voice so odd to me that I almost laughed.
“Yes, yes—a little; but you have come out of the black pit now into the forest.”
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1
antithesis
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| n.对立；相对 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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3
hideous
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| adj.丑陋的，可憎的，可怕的，恐怖的 | |
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writhed
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| （因极度痛苦而）扭动或翻滚( writhe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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repentant
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| adj.对…感到悔恨的 | |
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cons
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| n.欺骗，骗局( con的名词复数 )v.诈骗，哄骗( con的第三人称单数 ) | |
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7
withered
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| adj. 枯萎的，干瘪的，（人身体的部分器官）因病萎缩的或未发育良好的 动词wither的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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8
constricted
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| adj.抑制的，约束的 | |
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doomed
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| 命定的 | |
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10
shudder
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| v.战粟，震动，剧烈地摇晃；n.战粟，抖动 | |
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11
pros
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| abbr.prosecuting 起诉；prosecutor 起诉人；professionals 自由职业者；proscenium （舞台）前部n.赞成的意见( pro的名词复数 )；赞成的理由；抵偿物；交换物 | |
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12
equity
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| n.公正，公平，（无固定利息的）股票 | |
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abide
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| vi.遵守；坚持；vt.忍受 | |
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justification
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| n.正当的理由；辩解的理由 | |
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15
broth
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| n.原(汁)汤(鱼汤、肉汤、菜汤等) | |
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16
braced
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| adj.拉牢的v.支住( brace的过去式和过去分词 )；撑牢；使自己站稳；振作起来 | |
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17
ordeal
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| n.苦难经历，（尤指对品格、耐力的）严峻考验 | |
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18
peg
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| n.木栓，木钉；vt.用木钉钉，用短桩固定 | |
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relish
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| n.滋味，享受，爱好，调味品；vt.加调味料，享受，品味；vi.有滋味 | |
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20
posture
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| n.姿势，姿态，心态，态度；v.作出某种姿势 | |
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21
outrage
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| n.暴行，侮辱，愤怒；vt.凌辱，激怒 | |
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22
sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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23
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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24
complexion
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| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
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swollen
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| adj.肿大的，水涨的；v.使变大，肿胀 | |
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rigidly
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| adv.刻板地，僵化地 | |
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bind
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| vt.捆，包扎；装订；约束；使凝固；vi.变硬 | |
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filament
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| n.细丝；长丝；灯丝 | |
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29
crooked
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| adj.弯曲的；不诚实的，狡猾的，不正当的 | |
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30
talons
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| n.（尤指猛禽的）爪( talon的名词复数 )；（如爪般的）手指；爪状物；锁簧尖状突出部 | |
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insistent
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| adj.迫切的，坚持的 | |
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suffocation
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| n.窒息 | |
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33
elicited
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| 引出，探出( elicit的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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faculties
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| n.能力( faculty的名词复数 )；全体教职员；技巧；院 | |
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35
incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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36
jaws
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| n.口部；嘴 | |
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37
fawning
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| adj.乞怜的，奉承的v.（尤指狗等）跳过来往人身上蹭以示亲热( fawn的现在分词 )；巴结；讨好 | |
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38
fulsomely
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crass
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| adj.愚钝的，粗糙的；彻底的 | |
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40
reviling
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| v.辱骂，痛斥( revile的现在分词 ) | |
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41
repelled
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| v.击退( repel的过去式和过去分词 )；使厌恶；排斥；推开 | |
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42
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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43
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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44
insistence
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| n.坚持；强调；坚决主张 | |
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45
abode
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| n.住处，住所 | |
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46
reigned
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| vi.当政，统治（reign的过去式形式） | |
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47
inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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48
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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49
beckoning
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| adj.引诱人的，令人心动的v.（用头或手的动作）示意，召唤( beckon的现在分词 ) | |
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50
reptile
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| n.爬行动物；两栖动物 | |
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51
plodding
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| a.proceeding in a slow or dull way | |
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52
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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53
outstripped
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| v.做得比…更好，（在赛跑等中）超过( outstrip的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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54
sobbed
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| 哭泣，啜泣( sob的过去式和过去分词 )； 哭诉，呜咽地说 | |
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55
onward
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| adj.向前的，前进的；adv.向前，前进，在先 | |
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56
rustle
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| v.沙沙作响；偷盗(牛、马等)；n.沙沙声声 | |
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57
perspire
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| vi.出汗，流汗 | |
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58
acrid
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| adj.辛辣的，尖刻的，刻薄的 | |
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59
shriek
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| v./n.尖叫，叫喊 | |
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60
spun
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| v.纺，杜撰，急转身 | |
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61
mashed
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| a.捣烂的 | |
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62
mangled
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| vt.乱砍（mangle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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63
gasping
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| adj. 气喘的, 痉挛的 动词gasp的现在分词 | |
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64
crimson
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| n./adj.深(绯)红色(的)；vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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65
glutted
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| v.吃得过多( glut的过去式和过去分词 )；（对胃口、欲望等）纵情满足；使厌腻；塞满 | |
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66
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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67
parching
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| adj.烘烤似的，焦干似的v.（使）焦干， （使）干透( parch的现在分词 )；使（某人）极口渴 | |
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68
revolving
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| adj.旋转的，轮转式的；循环的v.（使）旋转( revolve的现在分词 )；细想 | |
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69
oasis
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| n.（沙漠中的）绿洲，宜人的地方 | |
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70
imprisoned
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| 下狱，监禁( imprison的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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71
stoniness
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| 冷漠，一文不名 | |
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72
stolidity
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| n.迟钝，感觉麻木 | |
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73
pinioned
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| v.抓住[捆住]（双臂）( pinion的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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74
obduracy
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| n.冷酷无情，顽固，执拗 | |
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75
asunder
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| adj.分离的，化为碎片 | |
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76
shrieking
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| v.尖叫( shriek的现在分词 ) | |
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