So the blow had fallen!
“What do you mean?” I said. “How dare you say such a thing?”
“I dare anything,” he said, “where I have a particular object in view.” He never took his eyes off me, and the cold devil in them froze my blood that had only now run so hotly.
“For yourself,” he went on, “I don’t care much whether you hang or live. You can come to terms with your own conscience I dare say, and a fat brother more or less may be a pure question of fit survival. That’s as it may be—but the girl here is another matter.”
“I didn’t kill him,” I could only say, dully.
Still keeping his eyes on me he sought for and drew from his jacket pocket a twist of dry and shrunken water weed. A horrible shudder4 seized me as I looked upon it.
“You didn’t think to see that again?” he said. “Do you recognize it? Of course you do. It was the rope you twisted round his foot, and that I found round his foot still, after dad had carried him upstairs, bundled round with those sacks, and I was left alone in the room with him a minute.”
My heart died within me. I dropped my sick, strained eyes and could only listen in agonized5 silence. And he went on quite pitilessly.
“You shouldn’t have left such evidence, you know—least of all for me to see. I had not forgotten the murder in your eyes when I spoke6 to you that morning and the evening before.”
He struck the weed lightly with his right hand.
“This stuff,” he said, “I know it, of course—grows up straight enough of itself. It wanted something human—or inhuman—to twist it round a leg in that fashion.”
I broke out with a choking cry.
“I did it,” I said; “but it wasn’t murder—oh, Jason, it wasn’t murder, as you mean it.”
He gave a little cold laugh.
“No doubt we have different standards of morality,” he said. “We won’t split hairs. Say it was murder as a judge and jury would view it.”
“It wasn’t! Will you believe me if I tell you the truth?”
“That depends upon the form it takes.”
“I’ll tell you. It is the truth—before God, it is the truth! I won’t favor myself. I had been mad with him, I own, but had nearly got over it. I was out all day on the hills and thought I should like a bathe on my way home. I went through the ‘run’ and saw he was there. At first I thought I would leave him to himself, but just as I was going he saw me and a grin came over his face and—Jason, you know that if I had gone away then, he would have thought me afraid to meet him.”
“You can leave me, Renalt, out of the question, if you please.”
“I meant no harm—indeed I didn’t—but when I got there he taunted7 and mocked at me. I didn’t know what I was doing; and when he jumped for the water I followed him and twisted that round. Then in a single moment I saw what I had done—and was mad to unfasten it. It would not come away at first, and when at last I got him free and to the shore he was insensible. If you could only know what I suffered then, you would pity me, Jason—you would; you could not help it.”
I stole a despairing look at his face and there was no atom of softness in it.
“He came to on the way home and I was wild with joy, and at night, Jason, when you were in bed and asleep, I crept into his room and begged for his forgiveness and he forgave me.”
“Without any condition? That wasn’t like Modred. What did he ask for in return?”
I was silent.
“Come,” he persisted, “what did he want? You may as well tell me all. You don’t fancy that I believe he forgave you without getting something substantial in exchange?”
“I was to give up all claim to Zyp,” I said in a low, suffering voice.
Jason laughed aloud.
“Oh, Modred,” he cried, “you were a pretty bantling, upon my word! Who would have thought the dear fatty had such cunning in him?”
His callous8 merriment struck me with a dumb horror as of sacrilege. But he subdued9 it directly and returned to me and my misery10 in the same repressed tone as before.
“Well,” he said, “I have heard it all, I suppose. It makes little difference. You know, of course, you are morally responsible for his death, just the same as if you had stuck a knife into his heart.”
I could only hide my face in the bedclothes, writhed11 all through with agony. There was a little spell of silence; then my brother bespoke12 my attention with a gentle push.
“Renny, do you want all this known to the others?”
“Do what you like!” I cried. “I know you now, and you can’t make it much worse!”
“Oh, yes,” he said, coolly; “I can make it a good deal worse. Nobody but I knows at present, don’t you see?”
I looked at him with a sudden gleam of hope.
“Don’t you intend to tell, Jason?”
He laughed again, lightly.
“That depends. I must borrow my cue from Modred and make conditions.”
I had no need to ask what they were. In whatever direction I looked now, I saw nothing but a blank and deadly waste.
“I want the girl—you understand? I need not go into particulars. She interests me and that’s enough.”
“Yes,” I said, quietly.
“There must be no more of that sentimental14 foolery between you and her. I bore it as long as you were ill; but, now you’re strong again, it must stop. If it doesn’t, you know what’ll happen.”
With that he turned abruptly15 on his heel and began to undress. I listened for the deep breathing that announced him to be asleep with a strained fever of impatience16. I felt that I could not think cleanly or collectedly with that monstrous17 consciousness of his awake in the room.
Perhaps, in all my wretchedness, the full discovery of his baseness of soul was as bitter a wound as any I had received. I had so looked up to him as a superior being, so sunned myself in the pride of relationship to him; so lovingly submitted to his boyish patronage18 and condescension19. The grief of my discovery was very real and terrible and would in itself, I think, have gone far to blight20 my existence had no fearfuller blast descended21 to wither22 it.
Well, it was all one now. Whatever immunity23 from disaster I was to enjoy henceforth must be on sufferance only.
Had I been older and sinfuller I might have grasped in my despair at the coward’s resource of self-destruction; as it was, I thought of flight. By and by, perhaps, when vigor24 should return to me, and with it resolution, I should be able to face firmly the problem of my future and take my own destinies in hand.
Little sleep came to me that night, and that only of a haunted kind. I felt haggard and old as I struggled into my clothes the next morning, and all unfit to cope with the gigantic possibilities of the day. Jason had gone early to the fatal pool for a bathe.
At breakfast, in the beginning, Zyp’s manner to me was prettily25 sympathetic and a little shy. It was the first of my great misery that I must repel26 her on the threshold of our better understanding, and see her fall away from me for lack of the least expression of that passionate28 devotion and gratitude29 that filled my heart to bursting. I could see at once that she was startled—hurt, perhaps, and that she shrunk from me immediately. Jason talked airily to my father all through the meal, but I knew his senses to be as keenly on the alert as if he had sat in silence, with his eyes fixed30 upon my face.
I choked over my bread and bacon; I could not swallow more than a mouthful of the coffee in my cup, and Zyp sat back in her chair, never addressing me after that first rebuff, but pondering on me angrily with her eyes full of a sort of wonder.
She stopped me peremptorily31 as, breakfast over, I was hastening out with all the speed I could muster32, and asked me if I didn’t want her company that morning.
“No,” I answered; “I am well enough to get about by myself now.”
“Very well,” she said. “Then you must do without me altogether for the future.”
She turned on her heel and I could only look after her in dumb agony. Then I crept down into the yard and confided33 my grief to the old cart wheels.
Presently, raising my head, I saw her standing27 before me, her hands under her apron34, her face grave with an expression, half of concern, half of defiance35.
“Now, if you please,” she said, “I want to know the meaning of this?”
“Of what?” I asked, with wretched evasiveness.
“You know—your manner toward me this morning.”
“I have done nothing,” I muttered.
“You have insulted me, sir. Is it because I kissed you last night?”
“Oh, Zyp!” I cried aloud in great pain. “You know it isn’t—you know it isn’t!”
I couldn’t help this one cry. It was forced from me.
“Then what’s the reason?”
“I can’t give it—I have none. I want to be alone, that’s all.”
She stood looking at me a moment in silence, and the line of her mouth hardened.
“Very well,” she said, at last. “Then, understand, I’ve done with you. I thought at first it was a mistake or that you were ill again. I’ve been kind to you; you can’t say I haven’t given you a chance. And I pitied you because you were alone and unhappy. Jason, I will tell you, hinted an evil thing of you to me, but even if it was true, which I didn’t believe, I forgave you, thinking, perhaps, it was done for my sake. Well, if it was, I tell you now it was useless, for you will be nothing to me ever again.”
And, with these cruel words, she left me. The proud child of the woods could brook36 no insult to her condescension, and from my comrade she had become my enemy.
I suppose I should have been relieved that the inevitable rupture37 had occurred so swiftly and effectually. Judge you, you poor outcasts who, sanctifying a love in your tumultuous breasts, have had to step aside and yield to another the fruit you so coveted38.
Once pledged to antagonism39, Zyp, it will be no matter for wonder, adopted anything but half-measures. Had it only been her vanity that was hurt she would have made me pay dearly for the blow. As it was, her ingenuity40 in devising plans for my torture and discomfiture41 verged42 upon the very bounds of reason.
At first she contented43 herself with mere44 verbal pleasantries and disdainful snubbings. As, however, the days went on and my old strength and health obstinately45 returned to me, despite the irony46 of the shattered soul within, her animosity grew to be an active agent so persistent47 in its methods that I verily thought my brain would give way under the load.
I cannot, indeed, recall a tithe48 of the Pucklike devices she resorted to for my moral undoing49, and which, after all, I might have endured to the end had it not been for one threading torment50 that accompanied all her whimsies51 like a strain of diabolical52 music. This was an ostentatious show of affection for Jason, which, I truly believe, from being more or less put on in exaggerated style for my edification, became at length such a habit with her as may be considered, in certain dispositions53, one form of love.
The two now were seldom apart. Once, conscious of my presence, she kissed Jason on the lips, because he had brought her a little flowering root of some plant she desired. I saw his face fire up darkly and he looked across at me with a triumph that made me almost hate him.
And the worst of it was that I knew that my punishment was not more than commensurate with the offense54; that my sin had been grievous and its retribution not out of proportion. How could full atonement and Zyp have been mine together?
Still, capable of acknowledging the fitness of things in my sadder hours of loneliness, my nature, once restored to strength, could not but strive occasionally to throw off the incubus55 that it felt it could not bear much longer without breaking down for good and all. I had done wrong on the spur of a single wicked impulse, but I was no fiend to have earned such bitter reprisal56. By slow degrees rebellion woke in my heart against the persistent cruelty of my two torturers. Had I fled at this juncture57, the wild scene that took place might have been averted58, and the exile, which became mine nevertheless, have borne, perhaps, less evil fruit than in the result it did.
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1
postpone
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| v.延期，推迟 | |
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inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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ashen
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| adj.灰的 | |
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shudder
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| v.战粟，震动，剧烈地摇晃；n.战粟，抖动 | |
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5
agonized
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| v.使（极度）痛苦，折磨( agonize的过去式和过去分词 )；苦斗；苦苦思索；感到极度痛苦 | |
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6
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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7
taunted
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| 嘲讽( taunt的过去式和过去分词 )； 嘲弄； 辱骂； 奚落 | |
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8
callous
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| adj.无情的，冷淡的，硬结的，起老茧的 | |
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9
subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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10
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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11
writhed
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| （因极度痛苦而）扭动或翻滚( writhe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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12
bespoke
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| adj.（产品）订做的；专做订货的v.预定( bespeak的过去式 )；订（货）；证明；预先请求 | |
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13
gust
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| n.阵风，突然一阵（雨、烟等），（感情的）迸发 | |
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14
sentimental
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| adj.多愁善感的，感伤的 | |
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15
abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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17
monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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patronage
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| n.赞助，支援，援助；光顾，捧场 | |
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condescension
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| n.自以为高人一等，贬低(别人) | |
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blight
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| n.枯萎病；造成破坏的因素；vt.破坏，摧残 | |
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descended
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| a.为...后裔的，出身于...的 | |
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22
wither
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| vt.使凋谢，使衰退，(用眼神气势等)使畏缩；vi.枯萎，衰退，消亡 | |
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23
immunity
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| n.优惠；免除；豁免，豁免权 | |
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vigor
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| n.活力，精力，元气 | |
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prettily
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| adv.优美地；可爱地 | |
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26
repel
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| v.击退，抵制，拒绝，排斥 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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28
passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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30
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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peremptorily
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| adv.紧急地，不容分说地，专横地 | |
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32
muster
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| v.集合，收集，鼓起，激起；n.集合，检阅，集合人员，点名册 | |
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33
confided
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| v.吐露（秘密，心事等）( confide的过去式和过去分词 )；（向某人）吐露（隐私、秘密等） | |
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34
apron
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| n.围裙；工作裙 | |
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defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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36
brook
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| n.小河，溪；v.忍受，容让 | |
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rupture
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| n.破裂；(关系的)决裂；v.(使)破裂 | |
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38
coveted
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| adj.令人垂涎的；垂涎的，梦寐以求的v.贪求，觊觎(covet的过去分词)；垂涎；贪图 | |
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39
antagonism
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| n.对抗，敌对，对立 | |
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40
ingenuity
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| n.别出心裁；善于发明创造 | |
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41
discomfiture
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| n.崩溃；大败；挫败；困惑 | |
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42
verged
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| 接近，逼近（verge的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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43
contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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44
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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45
obstinately
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| ad.固执地，顽固地 | |
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46
irony
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| n.反语，冷嘲；具有讽刺意味的事，嘲弄 | |
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47
persistent
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| adj.坚持不懈的，执意的；持续的 | |
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48
tithe
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| n.十分之一税；v.课什一税，缴什一税 | |
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49
undoing
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| n.毁灭的原因，祸根；破坏，毁灭 | |
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50
torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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51
whimsies
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| n.怪念头( whimsy的名词复数 )；异想天开；怪脾气；与众不同的幽默感 | |
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52
diabolical
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| adj.恶魔似的，凶暴的 | |
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53
dispositions
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| 安排( disposition的名词复数 )； 倾向； （财产、金钱的）处置； 气质 | |
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54
offense
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| n.犯规，违法行为；冒犯，得罪 | |
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55
incubus
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| n.负担；恶梦 | |
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56
reprisal
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| n.报复，报仇，报复性劫掠 | |
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57
juncture
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| n.时刻，关键时刻，紧要关头 | |
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58
averted
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| 防止，避免( avert的过去式和过去分词 )； 转移 | |
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