“Varnham was absent when our confession1 was first looked, then breathed, and at last desperately2 uttered. He had been gone more than a week, making preparations for our return to Ashton. Had every action of our lives been counted during that time, the most austere4 moralist could have detected no wrong. The sin with us was too subtle and deep for human eyes, even for our own. We could not believe that feelings which had no evil wish might be in themselves evil. But when my husband returned, the pang5 of shame and regret that fell upon us should have been proof enough of wrong. When had we ever blushed and trembled in his presence before?
“We were alone, Murray and myself, in the little boudoir which I have mentioned so often. He was sitting on the sofa, to which my husband had so tenderly lifted me on the night before my mother’s funeral, reading one of my favorite Italian poets. I sat a little way off, listening to the deep melody of his voice, watching the alternate fire and shadow that played within the depths of his large eyes, the clear, bold expression of his forehead, and the smile upon his lips, which seemed imbued6 with the soft poetry that dropped in melody from them.
“I had forgotten everything for the time, and was lost in the first bewildering dream which follows, with its delicious quietude, the entire outpouring of the soul; when thought itself arises but as sweet exhalation from the one grand passion which pervades7 the 70whole being; when even a sense of wrong but haunts the heart as the bee slumbers8 within the urn3 of a flower, rendered inert9 and stingless by the wealth of honey which surrounds it.
“Murray had been bred in society, and could not so readily fling off the consciousness of our position. A shadow, darker than the words of his author warranted, settled on his brow as he read, and more than once he raised his eyes from the page in the middle of a sentence, and fixed10 them with a serious and almost melancholy11 earnestness on my face. Then I would interrupt his thoughts with some of the pleasant words which love sends up from the full heart, naturally as song gushes12 from the bosom13 of a nightingale. He would muse14 a moment after this and resume his book, allowing his voice to revel15 in the melody of the language, then hurry on with a stern and abrupt16 emphasis, as one who strives by rapidity of utterance17 to conquer painful thoughts.
“The sudden recoil18 of my heart was suffocating19, then its deep, heavy throbbing20 grew almost audible. I felt the blood ebbing21 away from my face and a faintness was upon me. Murray started and grasped my hand with a violence that pained me.
“‘Lady Granby, be yourself; why do you tremble? Have we in wish or act wronged this man?’
“‘No—no; the angels of Heaven must bear us witness—but I have a secret here; and oh, God! forgive me; I am not glad to see him.’
“‘And I,’ he said, turning pale, ‘am I the cause of this terror?—indeed, lady, it is better that we part now—this weakness——’
“The very thought of his departure drove me wild. ‘I am not weak—nor wicked either,’ I said, with a proud smile; ‘see if I prove so?’
“Then wringing22 my hand from his grasp I deliberately23 opened the sash-door and went out to meet my 71husband. He was already upon the balcony, and sprang forward to greet me with more eager affection than I had ever witnessed in him before. During one moment I was drawn24 to his bosom unresistingly. I was faint with agitation25. He must have felt me tremble, but evidently imputed26 the emotion to joy at his sudden return; with his arms about my waist he drew me into the room. Oh! how thoroughly27 I loathed28 the hypocrisy29 which one forbidden feeling had imposed on the future! Murray nerved himself for the interview, and stood up, pale and collected, to receive his late friend. When he saw my position, a faint flush shot over his forehead, but his forced composure was in nothing else disturbed.
“I put away my husband’s arm and sunk to a seat, overwhelmed with a painful consciousness of the moral degradation31 I had heaped upon myself.
“Murray went up to London on the next day; a few brief words of farewell were all that could be granted me. I went away by myself and wept bitterly.
“The society of my husband grew wearisome, and yet I said again and again to myself: ‘We have done him no wrong; this love which fills my heart never was his—never existed before; it is pure and honorable.’ As I said this, my cheek burned with the falsehood. Was not deception33 itself a sin? Oh! how many painful apprehensions34 haunted my imagination. For two days I was tormented35 by shadowy evils. My mornings were full of inquietude, and my sleep was not rest. Then came his first letter, so considerate and gentle, so full of manly36 solicitude37 for my peace of mind. I flung aside all doubt and self-distrust. Happiness sprung back to my heart like a glad infant to its mother’s bosom. The earth seemed bursting into blossom around me. Again I surrendered my spirit to its first sweet dream of contentment, and strove to convince myself that feelings were harmless till they sprang 72into evil actions. When my intellect refused this sophistry38 I resolutely39 cast all thought aside.
“Murray joined us at Ashton. Among the guests who spent Christmas with us was a young lady of refined and pleasant manners, the orphan40 of a noble family, whose entailed41 property had fallen to a distant heir on the death of her father. Thus she was left almost penniless, dependent on a wealthy aunt, who seemed anxious to get rid of her trust with as little expense as possible.
“My sympathy was excited in the young lady’s behalf, for her coarse relative supplied her but sparingly with the means of supporting her station in society, and in her vulgar eagerness to have the poor girl settled and off her hands was continually compromising her delicacy42 and wounding her pride.
“Louisa was reserved, and somewhat cold in her disposition43, but my feelings had been enlisted44 in her behalf, and I contrived45 every little stratagem46 in my power to supply her want of wealth and to shield her from the match-making schemes of her aunt.
“Being much in my society, she was thrown into constant companionship with Murray. He did not at first seem interested in her, for she was retiring and not really beautiful, but by degrees the gentle sweetness of her character won its way to his heart, and he seemed pleased with her society, but there was nothing in the intimacy47 to alarm me. I was rather gratified than otherwise that he should be interested in my protégée.
“When we again took up our residence in town I occasionally acted as chaperon to Miss Jameson, but as my hope centered more trustfully around one object, my taste for general society diminished, and I surrounded myself with a small circle of distinguished48 individuals, and mingled49 but little in the dissipations 73of the world, where her aunt was continually forcing her to exhibit herself. I was still interested in her, but the repulsive50 coarseness of her relative prevented a thorough renewal51 of the intimacy which had existed while she was yet my guest.
“A year passed by, in which had been crowded a whole life of mingled happiness and misery52, a dreamy tumultuous year that had been one long struggle to preserve the love which had become a portion of my soul, and to maintain that integrity of thought and deed, without which life would be valueless.
“The blow fell at length; Murray was about to be married. He did not allow me to be tortured by public rumor53, but came and told me with his own lips.
“I had been very sad all the morning, and when I heard his familiar knock at the street-door, and the footsteps to which my heart had never yet failed to thrill approaching my boudoir, a dark presentiment54 fell upon me, and I trembled as if a death-watch was sounding in my ears. But I had learned to conceal55 my feelings, and sat quietly in my cushioned chair, occupied with a piece of fine needlework when he entered.
“He was deeply agitated56, and his hand shook violently when I arose to receive him. Mine was steady. I was not about to heap misery on the heart that had clung to me. He spoke57 of those days at the parsonage; of the dreams, those impossible dreams, out of which we were to win happiness, innocent happiness to ourselves—a happiness that should wrong no one, and yet fill our whole lives. He spoke of it all as a dream—a sad, mocking delusion58, which was like feeding the soul on husks. It was in vain, he said, to deceive ourselves longer; the love which had existed—he did not say still existed—between us must inevitably59 perish under the restraints which honor and conscience 74imposed. We were sure of nothing, not even of those brief moments of social intercourse60 which society allows to those who have no secret feelings to conceal.
“I neither expostulated nor reasoned, but with a calmness which startled myself I inquired the name of my rival.
“It was Louisa Jameson, the creature whom I had cherished even as a sister. No matter; I had nerved myself to bear all. If my heart trembled, no emotions stirred my face. He had not yet proposed, but he knew that she loved him, and her position was one to excite his compassion61. Still he would not propose unless I consented. He had come to throw himself on my generosity62.
“I did consent. Measuredly and coldly the words were spoken, but they did not satisfy him. He would have me feel willing—his happiness should not be secured at the expense of mine, if from my whole heart I could not resign him. No advantage should be taken of a freedom rendered only from the lips.
“For three whole hours I remained numb63 and still. At last my maid came to remind me of a ball and supper to which I was engaged.
“I arose and bade her array me in my gayest apparel. Never do I remember myself so beautiful as on that night. There was fever in my cheek, the fire of a tortured spirit—a wild, sparkling wit flashed from my lips, and among the gay and the lovely I was most gay and most recklessly brilliant.
“Murray called in the morning, for we were to be friends still. I had suffered much during the night, but I put rouge64 on my pallid65 cheeks, and with forced cheerfulness went down to receive him. He appeared ill at ease. Perhaps he feared reproaches after I recovered from the first effect of his desertion, but the anguish66 it had wrought67 was too deep for tears or weak 75complaints; when the death-blow comes, we cease to struggle.
“I ascertained68 that Miss Jameson’s aunt had refused to bestow69 a fortune with her niece, and I knew that Murray was far, far from wealthy enough to meet the expenses of an establishment befitting his rank. I could not bear that his fine mind should be cramped70 by the petty annoyances71 of a limited income, nor his wife forever crushed beneath the humiliating consciousness of poverty. Varnham never allowed himself to exceed his own little income, and the revenues of the Granby estates far exceeded our general expenditure72. It was, therefore, easy for me to raise a sum sufficient to endow my rival, and thus indirectly73 secure a competence74 to him.
“I gave orders to my agent that twenty thousand pounds should be immediately raised for me. When the sum was secured I went privately75 to the house of my rival, and, with little persuasion76, induced her parsimonious77 relative to present it to Miss Jameson as the gift of her own generosity. I knew that my secret was safe, for she was a worldly woman and was not likely to deprive herself of the éclat of a generous deed by exposing my share in it.
“Then I thought of Varnham for the first time in many days, not as the husband I had been estranged78 from, but as the kind, good friend who had watched beside me, and loved me amid all my sorrows. I was not wholly in my right mind, and reflected imperfectly on the step that I was about to take. Mr. Varnham was at Ashton, and I resolved to go to him, but with no definite aim, for I was incapable79 of any fixed plan. But he was my only friend, and my poor heart turned back to him in its emergency of sorrow with the trust of former years. I forgot that it had locked up the only well-spring of sympathy left to it by the very course of its anguish.
76“I flung a large cloak over my splendid attire80, and while my carriage was yet at the door entered it and ordered them to proceed to Ashton. We travelled all day; I did not once leave my seat, but remained muffled81 in my cloak, with the hood32 drawn over my head, lost in the misty82 half-consciousness of partial insanity83. I believe that the carriage stopped more than once, that food and rest were urged on me by my servants, but I took no heed84, only ordering them to drive forward, for the rapid motion relieved me.
“It was deep in the night when we reached Ashton. Everything was dark and gloomy; but one steady lamp glimmered85 from the library window, and I knew that Varnham was up, and there. The library was in the back part of the house, and the sound of the carriage had not reached it.
“I made my way through the darkened hall and entered my husband’s presence. For one moment the feverish86 beating of my heart was hushed by the holy tranquillity87 of that solitary89 student. There was something appalling90 in the sombre, gloomy magnificence of the room in which he sat. The noble, painted window seemed thick and impervious91 in the dim light. The rich bookcases were in shadow, and cold marble statues looked down from their pedestals with a pale, grave-like beauty as I entered.
“Varnham was reading. One small lamp alone shed its lustre92 on the rare Mosaic93 table over which he bent94, and threw a broad light across the pale, calm forehead which had something heavenly in its tranquil88 smoothness. I was by his side, and yet he did not see me. The solemn stillness of the room had cleared away my brain, and for a moment I felt the madness of my intended confidence. I staggered, and should have fallen but for the edge of the table, which I grasped with a force that made the lamp tremble.
“Varnham started up astonished at my sudden presence; 77but when he saw me standing95 before him, with the fire of excitement burning in my eyes and crimsoning96 my cheeks, with jewels twinkling in my hair and blazing on my girdle, where it flashed out from the cloak which my trembling hand had become powerless to hold, he seemed intuitively to feel the evil destiny that I had wrought for myself. His face became pale, and it was a minute before he could speak. Then he came forward, drew me kindly97 to his bosom and kissed my forehead with a tenderness that went to my heart like the hushing of my mother’s voice. I flung myself upon his bosom and wept with a burst of passionate98 grief. He seated himself, drew me closer to his heart, and besought99 me to tell him the cause of my sorrow.
“I did tell him—and then he put me from his bosom as if I had been a leper, with a cry of rage, bitter rage on the lips that had never till then known aught but blessings100; not against me—no, he could never have denounced me—but on Murray. Then I bethought me of the evil that might follow. I arose from the floor and fell before him, where he stood, and tried to plead and to call back all I had said. He lifted me again in his arms, though I felt a tremor101 run through his whole frame as he did so; he told me to be comforted, said many soothing102 words, and promised never to reproach me again, but he said nothing of him, and when I again strove to plead in his defence he put me sternly away. Then I went wholly mad.
“I can never describe the cold, hopeless struggle of my heart to retain the delusions103 which haunted my insane moments when my intellect began to resume its functions. It seemed as if some cruel spirit were gradually tightening104 the bonds of earth about me, and ruthlessly dragging me back to reason, while my spirit clung with intense longing105 to its own wild ideal.
“It was a sad, sad night to me when that star arose in the sky and sent its pure beams down to the bosom 78of my acacia, and I knew that the clear orb30 would henceforth be to me only a star—that the realms which I had located in its distant bosom were but the dream of a diseased fancy that would return no more with its beautiful and vivid faith which had no power to reason or doubt.
“But we can force the fantasies of a mind no more than the affections of the heart. My disease left me; then the passions and aspirations106 of my old nature started up, one after another, like marble statues over which a midnight blackness had fallen. And there in the midst, more firmly established than ever, his image remained—his name, his being, and the sad history of my own sufferings had, for one whole year, been to me but as an indefinite and painful dream. But sorrow and insanity itself had failed to uproot107 the love which had led to such misery. Can I be blamed that I prayed for insensibility again?”
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1
confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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2
desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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3
urn
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| n.（有座脚的）瓮；坟墓；骨灰瓮 | |
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4
austere
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| adj.艰苦的；朴素的，朴实无华的；严峻的 | |
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5
pang
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| n.剧痛，悲痛，苦闷 | |
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6
imbued
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| v.使（某人/某事）充满或激起（感情等）( imbue的过去式和过去分词 )；使充满；灌输；激发（强烈感情或品质等） | |
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7
pervades
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| v.遍及，弥漫( pervade的第三人称单数 ) | |
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8
slumbers
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| 睡眠，安眠( slumber的名词复数 ) | |
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9
inert
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| adj.无活动能力的，惰性的；迟钝的 | |
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10
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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11
melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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12
gushes
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| n.涌出，迸发( gush的名词复数 )v.喷，涌( gush的第三人称单数 )；滔滔不绝地说话 | |
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13
bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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14
muse
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| n.缪斯（希腊神话中的女神），创作灵感 | |
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15
revel
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| vi.狂欢作乐，陶醉；n.作乐，狂欢 | |
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abrupt
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| adj.突然的，意外的；唐突的，鲁莽的 | |
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17
utterance
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| n.用言语表达，话语，言语 | |
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18
recoil
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| vi.退却，退缩，畏缩 | |
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suffocating
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| a.使人窒息的 | |
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throbbing
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| a. 跳动的,悸动的 | |
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ebbing
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| （指潮水）退( ebb的现在分词 )； 落； 减少； 衰落 | |
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wringing
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| 淋湿的，湿透的 | |
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deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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26
imputed
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| v.把（错误等）归咎于( impute的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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loathed
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| v.憎恨，厌恶( loathe的过去式和过去分词 )；极不喜欢 | |
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hypocrisy
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| n.伪善，虚伪 | |
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orb
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| n.太阳；星球；v.弄圆；成球形 | |
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degradation
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| n.降级；低落；退化；陵削；降解；衰变 | |
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hood
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| n.头巾，兜帽，覆盖；v.罩上，以头巾覆盖 | |
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deception
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| n.欺骗，欺诈；骗局，诡计 | |
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apprehensions
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| 疑惧 | |
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tormented
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| 饱受折磨的 | |
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manly
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| adj.有男子气概的；adv.男子般地，果断地 | |
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solicitude
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| n.焦虑 | |
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sophistry
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| n.诡辩 | |
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resolutely
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| adj.坚决地，果断地 | |
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40
orphan
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| n.孤儿；adj.无父母的 | |
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41
entailed
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| 使…成为必要( entail的过去式和过去分词 )； 需要； 限定继承； 使必需 | |
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delicacy
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| n.精致，细微，微妙，精良；美味，佳肴 | |
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43
disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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44
enlisted
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| adj.应募入伍的v.（使）入伍， （使）参军( enlist的过去式和过去分词 )；获得（帮助或支持） | |
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45
contrived
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| adj.不自然的，做作的；虚构的 | |
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46
stratagem
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| n.诡计，计谋 | |
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47
intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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49
mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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50
repulsive
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| adj.排斥的，使人反感的 | |
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51
renewal
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| adj.(契约)延期，续订，更新，复活，重来 | |
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52
misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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53
rumor
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| n.谣言，谣传，传说 | |
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54
presentiment
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| n.预感，预觉 | |
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55
conceal
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，隐蔽 | |
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56
agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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57
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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58
delusion
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| n.谬见，欺骗，幻觉，迷惑 | |
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59
inevitably
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| adv.不可避免地；必然发生地 | |
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60
intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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61
compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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62
generosity
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| n.大度，慷慨，慷慨的行为 | |
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63
numb
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| adj.麻木的，失去感觉的；v.使麻木 | |
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rouge
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| n.胭脂，口红唇膏；v.(在…上)擦口红 | |
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65
pallid
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| adj.苍白的，呆板的 | |
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66
anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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67
wrought
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| v.引起；以…原料制作；运转；adj.制造的 | |
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68
ascertained
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| v.弄清，确定，查明( ascertain的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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69
bestow
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| v.把…赠与，把…授予；花费 | |
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70
cramped
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| a.狭窄的 | |
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71
annoyances
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| n.恼怒( annoyance的名词复数 )；烦恼；打扰；使人烦恼的事 | |
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72
expenditure
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| n.(时间、劳力、金钱等)支出；使用，消耗 | |
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73
indirectly
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| adv.间接地，不直接了当地 | |
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74
competence
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| n.能力，胜任，称职 | |
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75
privately
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| adv.以私人的身份，悄悄地，私下地 | |
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76
persuasion
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| n.劝说；说服；持有某种信仰的宗派 | |
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77
parsimonious
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| adj.吝啬的，质量低劣的 | |
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78
estranged
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| adj.疏远的，分离的 | |
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79
incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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80
attire
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| v.穿衣，装扮[同]array；n.衣着；盛装 | |
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81
muffled
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| adj.（声音）被隔的；听不太清的；（衣服）裹严的；蒙住的v.压抑，捂住( muffle的过去式和过去分词 )；用厚厚的衣帽包着（自己） | |
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82
misty
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| adj.雾蒙蒙的，有雾的 | |
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83
insanity
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| n.疯狂，精神错乱；极端的愚蠢，荒唐 | |
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84
heed
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| v.注意，留意；n.注意，留心 | |
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85
glimmered
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| v.发闪光，发微光( glimmer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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86
feverish
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| adj.发烧的，狂热的，兴奋的 | |
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87
tranquillity
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| n. 平静, 安静 | |
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88
tranquil
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| adj. 安静的, 宁静的, 稳定的, 不变的 | |
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89
solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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90
appalling
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| adj.骇人听闻的，令人震惊的，可怕的 | |
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91
impervious
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| adj.不能渗透的，不能穿过的，不易伤害的 | |
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92
lustre
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| n.光亮，光泽；荣誉 | |
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93
mosaic
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| n./adj.镶嵌细工的，镶嵌工艺品的，嵌花式的 | |
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94
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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95
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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96
crimsoning
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| 变为深红色（crimson的现在分词形式） | |
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97
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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98
passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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99
besought
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| v.恳求，乞求（某事物）( beseech的过去式和过去分词 )；(beseech的过去式与过去分词) | |
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100
blessings
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| n.（上帝的）祝福( blessing的名词复数 )；好事；福分；因祸得福 | |
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101
tremor
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| n.震动，颤动，战栗，兴奋，地震 | |
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102
soothing
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| adj.慰藉的；使人宽心的；镇静的 | |
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103
delusions
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| n.欺骗( delusion的名词复数 )；谬见；错觉；妄想 | |
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104
tightening
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| 上紧，固定，紧密 | |
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105
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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106
aspirations
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| 强烈的愿望( aspiration的名词复数 )； 志向； 发送气音； 发 h 音 | |
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107
uproot
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| v.连根拔起，拔除；根除，灭绝；赶出家园，被迫移开 | |
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