ONE fine morning the collegiate assessor, Kirill Ivanovitch Babilonov, who had died of the two afflictions so widely spread in our country, a bad wife and alcoholism, was being buried. As the funeral procession set off from the church to the cemetery1, one of the deceased’s colleagues, called Poplavsky, got into a cab and galloped2 off to find a friend, one Grigory Petrovitch Zapoikin, a man who though still young had acquired considerable popularity. Zapoikin, as many of my readers are aware, possesses a rare talent for impromptu3 speechifying at weddings, jubilees4, and funerals. He can speak whenever he likes: in his sleep, on an empty stomach, dead drunk or in a high fever. His words flow smoothly5 and evenly, like water out of a pipe, and in abundance; there are far more moving words in his oratorical6 dictionary than there are beetles8 in any restaurant. He always speaks eloquently9 and at great length, so much so that on some occasions, particularly at merchants’ weddings, they have to resort to assistance from the police to stop him.
“I have come for you, old man!” began Poplavsky, finding him at home. “Put on your hat and coat this minute and come along. One of our fellows is dead, we are just sending him off to the other world, so you must do a bit of palavering by way of farewell to him. . . . You are our only hope. If it had been one of the smaller fry it would not have been worth troubling you, but you see it’s the secretary . . . a pillar of the office, in a sense. It’s awkward for such a whopper to be buried without a speech.”
“Oh, the secretary!” yawned Zapoikin. “You mean the drunken one?”
“Yes. There will be pancakes, a lunch . . . you’ll get your cab-fare. Come along, dear chap. You spout10 out some rigmarole like a regular Cicero at the grave and what gratitude11 you will earn!”
Zapoikin readily agreed. He ruffled12 up his hair, cast a shade of melancholy13 over his face, and went out into the street with Poplavsky.
“I know your secretary,” he said, as he got into the cab. “A cunning rogue14 and a beast—the kingdom of heaven be his—such as you don’t often come across.”
“Come, Grisha, it is not the thing to abuse the dead.”
The friends overtook the funeral procession and joined it. The coffin16 was borne along slowly so that before they reached the cemetery they were able three times to drop into a tavern17 and imbibe18 a little to the health of the departed.
In the cemetery came the service by the graveside. The mother-in-law, the wife, and the sister-in-law in obedience19 to custom shed many tears. When the coffin was being lowered into the grave the wife even shrieked20 “Let me go with him!” but did not follow her husband into the grave probably recollecting21 her pension. Waiting till everything was quiet again Zapoikin stepped forward, turned his eyes on all present, and began:
“Can I believe my eyes and ears? Is it not a terrible dream this grave, these tear-stained faces, these moans and lamentations? Alas22, it is not a dream and our eyes do not deceive us! He whom we have only so lately seen, so full of courage, so youthfully fresh and pure, who so lately before our eyes like an unwearying bee bore his honey to the common hive of the welfare of the state, he who . . . he is turned now to dust, to inanimate mirage23. Inexorable death has laid his bony hand upon him at the time when, in spite of his bowed age, he was still full of the bloom of strength and radiant hopes. An irremediable loss! Who will fill his place for us? Good government servants we have many, but Prokofy Osipitch was unique. To the depths of his soul he was devoted24 to his honest duty; he did not spare his strength but worked late at night, and was disinterested25, impervious26 to bribes27. . . . How he despised those who to the detriment28 of the public interest sought to corrupt29 him, who by the seductive goods of this life strove to draw him to betray his duty! Yes, before our eyes Prokofy Osipitch would divide his small salary between his poorer colleagues, and you have just heard yourselves the lamentations of the widows and orphans30 who lived upon his alms. Devoted to good works and his official duty, he gave up the joys of this life and even renounced31 the happiness of domestic existence; as you are aware, to the end of his days he was a bachelor. And who will replace him as a comrade? I can see now the kindly32, shaven face turned to us with a gentle smile, I can hear now his soft friendly voice. Peace to thine ashes, Prokofy Osipitch! Rest, honest, noble toiler33!”
Zapoikin continued while his listeners began whispering together. His speech pleased everyone and drew some tears, but a good many things in it seemed strange. In the first place they could not make out why the orator7 called the deceased Prokofy Osipitch when his name was Kirill Ivanovitch. In the second, everyone knew that the deceased had spent his whole life quarelling with his lawful34 wife, and so consequently could not be called a bachelor; in the third, he had a thick red beard and had never been known to shave, and so no one could understand why the orator spoke35 of his shaven face. The listeners were perplexed36; they glanced at each other and shrugged38 their shoulders.
“Prokofy Osipitch,” continued the orator, looking with an air of inspiration into the grave, “your face was plain, even hideous39, you were morose40 and austere41, but we all know that under that outer husk there beat an honest, friendly heart!”
Soon the listeners began to observe something strange in the orator himself. He gazed at one point, shifted about uneasily and began to shrug37 his shoulders too. All at once he ceased speaking, and gaping42 with astonishment43, turned to Poplavsky.
“I say! he’s alive,” he said, staring with horror.
“Who’s alive?”
“Why, Prokofy Osipitch, there he stands, by that tombstone!”
“He never died! It’s Kirill Ivanovitch who’s dead.”
“But you told me yourself your secretary was dead.”
“Kirill Ivanovitch was our secretary. You’ve muddled44 it, you queer fish. Prokofy Osipitch was our secretary before, that’s true, but two years ago he was transferred to the second division as head clerk.”
“How the devil is one to tell?”
“Why are you stopping? Go on, it’s awkward.”
Zapoikin turned to the grave, and with the same eloquence45 continued his interrupted speech. Prokofy Osipitch, an old clerk with a clean-shaven face, was in fact standing46 by a tombstone. He looked at the orator and frowned angrily.
“Well, you have put your foot into it, haven’t you!” laughed his fellow-clerks as they returned from the funeral with Zapoikin. “Burying a man alive!”
“It’s unpleasant, young man,” grumbled47 Prokofy Osipitch. “Your speech may be all right for a dead man, but in reference to a living one it is nothing but sarcasm48! Upon my soul what have you been saying? Disinterested, incorruptible, won’t take bribes! Such things can only be said of the living in sarcasm. And no one asked you, sir, to expatiate49 on my face. Plain, hideous, so be it, but why exhibit my countenance50 in that public way! It’s insulting.”
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1
cemetery
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| n.坟墓，墓地，坟场 | |
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galloped
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| （使马）飞奔，奔驰( gallop的过去式和过去分词 )； 快速做[说]某事 | |
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impromptu
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| adj.即席的，即兴的；adv.即兴的(地)，无准备的(地) | |
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jubilees
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| n.周年纪念( jubilee的名词复数 ) | |
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smoothly
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| adv.平滑地，顺利地，流利地，流畅地 | |
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oratorical
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| adj.演说的，雄辩的 | |
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orator
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| n.演说者，演讲者，雄辩家 | |
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8
beetles
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| n.甲虫( beetle的名词复数 ) | |
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eloquently
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| adv. 雄辩地(有口才地, 富于表情地) | |
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spout
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| v.喷出，涌出；滔滔不绝地讲；n.喷管；水柱 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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ruffled
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| adj. 有褶饰边的, 起皱的 动词ruffle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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rogue
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| n.流氓；v.游手好闲 | |
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rascal
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| n.流氓；不诚实的人 | |
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coffin
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| n.棺材，灵柩 | |
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tavern
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| n.小旅馆，客栈；小酒店 | |
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18
imbibe
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| v.喝，饮；吸入，吸收 | |
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obedience
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| n.服从，顺从 | |
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shrieked
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| v.尖叫( shriek的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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recollecting
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| v.记起，想起( recollect的现在分词 ) | |
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alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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mirage
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| n.海市蜃楼，幻景 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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disinterested
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| adj.不关心的，不感兴趣的 | |
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impervious
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| adj.不能渗透的，不能穿过的，不易伤害的 | |
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bribes
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| n.贿赂( bribe的名词复数 )；向（某人）行贿，贿赂v.贿赂( bribe的第三人称单数 )；向（某人）行贿，贿赂 | |
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28
detriment
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| n.损害；损害物，造成损害的根源 | |
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corrupt
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| v.贿赂，收买；adj.腐败的，贪污的 | |
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orphans
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| 孤儿( orphan的名词复数 ) | |
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31
renounced
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| v.声明放弃( renounce的过去式和过去分词 )；宣布放弃；宣布与…决裂；宣布摒弃 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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toiler
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| 辛劳者，勤劳者 | |
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lawful
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| adj.法律许可的，守法的，合法的 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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perplexed
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| adj.不知所措的 | |
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shrug
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| v.耸肩(表示怀疑、冷漠、不知等) | |
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shrugged
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| vt.耸肩（shrug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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hideous
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| adj.丑陋的，可憎的，可怕的，恐怖的 | |
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morose
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| adj.脾气坏的，不高兴的 | |
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41
austere
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| adj.艰苦的；朴素的，朴实无华的；严峻的 | |
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42
gaping
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| adj.口的；张口的；敞口的；多洞穴的v.目瞪口呆地凝视( gape的现在分词 )；张开，张大 | |
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43
astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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44
muddled
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| adj.混乱的；糊涂的；头脑昏昏然的v.弄乱，弄糟( muddle的过去式)；使糊涂；对付，混日子 | |
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45
eloquence
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| n.雄辩；口才，修辞 | |
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46
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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47
grumbled
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| 抱怨( grumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 发牢骚； 咕哝； 发哼声 | |
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48
sarcasm
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| n.讥讽，讽刺，嘲弄，反话 （adj.sarcastic） | |
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49
expatiate
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| v.细说，详述 | |
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50
countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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