Do you think, because you fail me
And draw back your hand to-day,
That from out the heart I gave you
My strong love can fade away?
It will live. No eyes may see it;
In my soul it will lie deep,
Hidden from all; but I shall feel it
Often stirring in its sleep.
So remember that the true love,
Which you now think poor and vain,
Will endure in hope and patience
Till you ask for it again.
A. A. Proctor.
When Lilith left the presence of her husband on that fatal night of their parting, her mind and heart were in a whirl of confusion and suffering.
He had accused her of unspeakable, of incomprehensible evil! He had repudiated1 her! He had told her that in a few hours he should leave that house—his 51patrimonial home—never to return to it while she should “desecrate2 it by her presence.”
What remained for her to do?
First of all to leave the house which he declared that she “desecrated4 with her presence.”
Yes, that was the first and the most urgent duty that she owed to him who had repudiated her and to herself, and her own honor and self-respect as well.
It was good to know what first to do. It saved useless brooding and loss of time.
As soon as she reached her room, therefore, she locked the door to secure herself from interruption, and then she began to prepare for her departure.
For she determined5 to go at once and to take with her nothing, no, not the smallest trifle, that Hereward had ever given her.
So she took off the deep mourning dress that had been one of Hereward’s first gifts, hung it up in the wardrobe, and replaced it with a crimson6 cashmere, the gift of his father, which since Major Hereward’s death had been packed away with other clothing, left off when she first went into black.
From the same depository she took a gray beaver8 cloth coat, a gray felt hat, gray barege vail and a pair of gray gloves. These she laid out upon the bed.
Next she took from her casket the few jewels given her by her foster-father, and the few hundred dollars she had saved from the liberal allowance Major Hereward had made her during his life. All these, together with her comb and brushes, a few pocket-handkerchiefs, and a single change of underclothing, she packed into a hand-bag.
When her small preparations were all complete, it 52seemed to require a painful wrench9 to tear herself away.
Her husband had outraged10 and repudiated her indeed; yet she felt that she could not leave the house without writing to him a few words of farewell. She meant to write only a very few words, not half a dozen lines in all, only enough to remind him that she went not of her own will, but by his will.
Yet, when she sat down at the table and commenced her letter, a flood of thought and feeling bore her impetuously onward12 to a fuller utterance13, and she poured forth14 her soul in that touching15, pathetic, yet dignified16 letter that he afterwards found upon her dressing-table, and which, after perusal17, and with reckless anger, he committed to the flames.
When she had finished her task, sealed her letter, and pinned it to the pin-cushion where he could not fail to find it, she put on her gray beaver coat, hat, vail and gloves, took up her hand-bag and left the room.
She paused for a moment in the upper hall, and looked over the balusters to see if any one were in sight or hearing below.
But there was no one. The coast was clear. There was no danger of interruption.
So Lilith went softly down the stairs, opened the hall door and passed out into the night.
The sky was clear and the stars were shining brightly down on the snow-covered earth.
All the servants, horses and carriages attached to the place were at the young mistress’ order; but she chose to avail herself of none of them. She would walk to the railway station. The clear, starlit sky and the snow-white earth rendered her road light enough for convenience. As for danger, there was none of any sort. No act of violence had ever been known to occur in that primitive18, rural neighborhood, 53which might almost have been called Arcadian in its simplicity19 and innocence20. She knew that she could easily walk the six miles in two hours and catch the ten o’clock train. So she walked bravely on until she came to the outer gate. Just as she was in the act of opening it she was startled by a rushing sound behind her, and turning, saw Lion, the large Newfoundland dog, at her side, evidently bent21 on following her.
“Yes, good dog. Good, good dog, you shall go! And then if there could be any danger you would guard me with your life. Wouldn’t you, good dog?”
Lion assured his mistress, in much eloquent22 pantomime, that he was her own devoted23 dog and would die for her if necessary.
Lilith went on, the dog trotting24 by her side, over the stubble fields, into the dense25 forest, out again, through the narrow mountain pass, out again into the fields, and finally in sight of the lights at the railway station.
Here Lilith stopped to draw the vail more closely around her face, for she did not wish to be recognized by any acquaintance who might ask her questions. Here, too, she must part with her dog. It would not be well to take him with her to the railway station, either for her sake or for his own. So she must send him home; but she wished to part pleasantly with her fourfooted friend—not to drive him away from her, but to send him on an errand for her; so she opened her hand-bag and took off a paper which had been wrapped around her brushes, breathed into the paper, rolled it up to a convenient size and gave it to the dog, putting it between his jaws26, patting him on the head, turning him with his nose towards the Cliffs, and saying:
“Good dog! Good dog! Good fellow! Carry it home! Carry it home!”
54And Lion, delighted at having an important commission to execute, set off at a run.
Lilith dashed a tear from her eye and hurried on to the railway station. There was not a soul there except the ticket agent and a rough-looking passenger.
Lilith knew exactly the price of a ticket to Baltimore, and had her change ready. She went into the musty office, pushed the money on the ledge27 of the ticket window, and said, from behind her vail:
“One, to Baltimore.”
The agent, behind the partition, drew in the money and pushed out the ticket, without seeing or caring to see whether the passenger standing28 aside in the shadow were man, woman or child, but taking a man for granted.
Lilith got on the train while the railway porters were throwing off and throwing on mail bags, and by the time she had dropped into her seat, midway in a nearly empty car, the train started again.
The car was but dimly lighted, and there were but five other passengers in it besides Lilith. They were all strangers to her—probably country merchants on their way to the Eastern cities to buy their Spring goods—mostly clothed in heavy gray overcoats, with their hats pulled low over their foreheads, and their hands thrust into their pockets. They seemed more inclined to doze11 than to talk, and seldom spoke29, except to remark how very cold the weather was, opine that the mercury was at zero, and declared that such a thing had never occurred in that neighborhood so late in March within the memory of man.
And then they hugged their overcoats more closely around them, pulled their hats down lower, and relapsed into silence and dozing30.
Lilith, now that the hurry and excitement of her sudden departure was over, and she was seated in 55the car, with nothing to do, suffered a natural reaction into depression and great discouragement.
What was before her? Whither should she go? What could she do? What was to be her future life? Who were to be her future friends or companions? She was leaving her old familiar home, leaving all the friends of her youth, going among perfect strangers, without one single letter of introduction to any one. What would be the end?
Had she done right to take the responsibility of her future into her own young, inexperienced hands? Would it not have been better to have borne the reproach and humiliation31 she suffered at Cloud Cliffs, and to have remained there and patiently waited for events? She would at least have been safe.
But in answer to these thoughts came the memory of her husband’s cruel words hissed32 into her ears:
“In a few hours I shall leave here—leave my father’s house—never to return to it while you desecrate it with your presence.”
And she felt that it was better to go out into the bitter world of strangers than to lose the last remnant of her self-respect by remaining in the home which her husband had scornfully declared that her presence desecrated.
Then Lilith broke down for the first time since that crushing blow, and wept bitterly though silently behind her vail.
Her fellow-passengers did not seem to notice the weeping, or even if they did, they probably thought her tears were only caused by some ordinary parting with friends, a mere7 matter of course, too trifling33 to cause remark or sympathy.
The motion of the cars often has a soporific effect upon passengers, and especially upon a woman traveling alone and at night. So it came to pass that Lilith, poor, tired child that she was, cried herself to 56sleep, and slept soundly, rocked by the swift, smooth motion of the train.
She dreamed a very vivid dream, that seemed a very graphic34 reality. In her dream her husband was seated by her side, and they were traveling to Washington together. Her promise of secrecy35 had been canceled, and her tongue had been loosed in some strange way, possible only in dreams, and she was telling him, with her head upon his bosom36 and her arms around his neck, the wonderful story of her parents’ youthful life and love and sorrow, and the true story of her own birth.
And he, holding her in his arms, pressed her to his heart, was listening with such affection, sympathy and admiration37. He was saying so earnestly:
“And you, my brave little darling, you have borne all this misconstruction, all this humiliation, rather than betray your trust. But I love you more than ever for all that you have borne and suffered, my Lilith.”
What was this? Where was she?
On the train, indeed—on the train, that had just stopped at a crowded junction39 and taken on additional cars, which had joined with a shock that waked her. But——
Where was Tudor?
Not seated by her side, certainly. Not even gone out to stretch his limbs. Ah, no! he had vanished with the dream.
Again her eyes overflowed40 with tears, and she sat back in her seat and wept bitterly in the loneliness and desolation of her heart. She missed the Tudor of her lovely dream. She longed for him with an infinite, agonized41 longing42. She felt an almost irresistible43 impulse to leave the cars at that junction, and 57take the next train to her home, where she could arrive by morning—where she could throw herself upon her husband’s mercy and remain in peace.
But then again the memory of his cruel words pierced her through the heart, and left her helpless—wounded to the death, as it were. Those words were ringing through her spirit:
“No; I thank Heaven that I never loved you! I married you only to please my father! I never loved you! That dishonor has been spared me! In a few hours I shall leave this house—my father’s house—never to return while your presence desecrates44 it!”
Oh, no! With the sound of these degrading words still reverberating45 through her soul, she could not go back any more than she could have remained when she was there.
The car was now filled with passengers, and even the seat by her side was taken by a fat woman with an immense bundle in her lap, who crowded Lilith close against the side. She turned towards the window, drew her thick vail closer over her face, and wept silently but bitterly until once more overtasked nature yielded to weariness and to the smooth, swift, soothing46 motion of the train, and she slept; this time a dreamless sleep, that lasted until the train ran into the Baltimore station.
It was now six o’clock, and the eastern horizon was flushed with the coming sun.
Lilith awoke to find the train at a standstill, and all the passengers in motion. She roused her stupefied faculties47 and realized that she was at Baltimore, and that she wished to continue her journey to New York.
She arose and took up her hand-bag and left the car, went to the ticket office and inquired when the next train would leave for New York.
“At six-fifteen,” the busy agent replied.
58Lilith glanced at the large station clock. It was now five minutes past six. She bought her ticket, got a cup of coffee at the refreshment48 counter, and then followed the throng49 who were crowding through the gates to get on the New York train.
She got a corner chair on a Pullman car, wheeled it around towards the window, so that her back would be turned to her fellow-passengers, and gave herself up to thought.
She had been driven from her home in dishonor, and her flight and the letter she had left behind had cut off all retreat, and made a voluntary return impossible.
What were they doing at Cloud Cliffs this morning? Her husband had not probably received her letter until this morning, because he had not, she thought, entered her room during the night.
What would he think of her letter? How would it affect him?
She could not conjecture50, especially as she could not remember what she had written, in the white heat of her emotions, when about to leave him, perhaps forever.
And old Nancy! What would she think of this sudden flight? Would Nancy be very sorry for her? And the other domestics, who had known and loved her from her babyhood—would they care?
Oh, yes, indeed, she felt and knew that all the servants, old and young, would grieve for her, and all the animals would miss her.
Then Lilith fell to weeping again at the thought of all human and brute51 that she had loved so well, and yet had left, perhaps forever.
What would the neighbors think or say about her disappearance54? They would certainly ask a great 59many questions. Country people always do. They would question and cross-question Mr. Hereward.
How would he answer them? Would he tell them the truth, or would he evade55 inquiry56? And oh, above all, would he, could he, be any happier now that she was gone? Would he not sometimes remember how much she had loved him? How hard she had tried to please him? How diligently57 she had worked to help him, answering his letters, copying his speeches, searching out his authorities, and through all this secretary work keeping his one room in the attic58 of the crowded hotel neat, bright and attractive, and always taking such pure delight in being useful to him? Would Tudor remember these things, and think more kindly59 of her?
Ah, no! for he did not love her; he had told her so, and thanked the Lord that he did not love her! So all that she had tried to do had failed to please him.
Again the child Lilith wept as if her heart were breaking; and there was no one to comfort her.
点击收听单词发音
1 repudiated | |
v.(正式地)否认( repudiate的过去式和过去分词 );拒绝接受;拒绝与…往来;拒不履行(法律义务) | |
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2 desecrate | |
v.供俗用,亵渎,污辱 | |
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3 trampled | |
踩( trample的过去式和过去分词 ); 践踏; 无视; 侵犯 | |
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4 desecrated | |
毁坏或亵渎( desecrate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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5 determined | |
adj.坚定的;有决心的 | |
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6 crimson | |
n./adj.深(绯)红色(的);vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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7 mere | |
adj.纯粹的;仅仅,只不过 | |
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8 beaver | |
n.海狸,河狸 | |
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9 wrench | |
v.猛拧;挣脱;使扭伤;n.扳手;痛苦,难受 | |
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10 outraged | |
a.震惊的,义愤填膺的 | |
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11 doze | |
v.打瞌睡;n.打盹,假寐 | |
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12 onward | |
adj.向前的,前进的;adv.向前,前进,在先 | |
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13 utterance | |
n.用言语表达,话语,言语 | |
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14 forth | |
adv.向前;向外,往外 | |
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15 touching | |
adj.动人的,使人感伤的 | |
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16 dignified | |
a.可敬的,高贵的 | |
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17 perusal | |
n.细读,熟读;目测 | |
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18 primitive | |
adj.原始的;简单的;n.原(始)人,原始事物 | |
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19 simplicity | |
n.简单,简易;朴素;直率,单纯 | |
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20 innocence | |
n.无罪;天真;无害 | |
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21 bent | |
n.爱好,癖好;adj.弯的;决心的,一心的 | |
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22 eloquent | |
adj.雄辩的,口才流利的;明白显示出的 | |
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23 devoted | |
adj.忠诚的,忠实的,热心的,献身于...的 | |
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24 trotting | |
小跑,急走( trot的现在分词 ); 匆匆忙忙地走 | |
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25 dense | |
a.密集的,稠密的,浓密的;密度大的 | |
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26 jaws | |
n.口部;嘴 | |
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27 ledge | |
n.壁架,架状突出物;岩架,岩礁 | |
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28 standing | |
n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
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29 spoke | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
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30 dozing | |
v.打瞌睡,假寐 n.瞌睡 | |
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31 humiliation | |
n.羞辱 | |
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32 hissed | |
发嘶嘶声( hiss的过去式和过去分词 ); 发嘘声表示反对 | |
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33 trifling | |
adj.微不足道的;没什么价值的 | |
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34 graphic | |
adj.生动的,形象的,绘画的,文字的,图表的 | |
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35 secrecy | |
n.秘密,保密,隐蔽 | |
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36 bosom | |
n.胸,胸部;胸怀;内心;adj.亲密的 | |
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37 admiration | |
n.钦佩,赞美,羡慕 | |
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38 dispelled | |
v.驱散,赶跑( dispel的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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39 junction | |
n.连接,接合;交叉点,接合处,枢纽站 | |
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40 overflowed | |
溢出的 | |
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41 agonized | |
v.使(极度)痛苦,折磨( agonize的过去式和过去分词 );苦斗;苦苦思索;感到极度痛苦 | |
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42 longing | |
n.(for)渴望 | |
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43 irresistible | |
adj.非常诱人的,无法拒绝的,无法抗拒的 | |
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44 desecrates | |
毁坏或亵渎( desecrate的第三人称单数 ) | |
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45 reverberating | |
回响,回荡( reverberate的现在分词 ); 使反响,使回荡,使反射 | |
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46 soothing | |
adj.慰藉的;使人宽心的;镇静的 | |
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47 faculties | |
n.能力( faculty的名词复数 );全体教职员;技巧;院 | |
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48 refreshment | |
n.恢复,精神爽快,提神之事物;(复数)refreshments:点心,茶点 | |
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49 throng | |
n.人群,群众;v.拥挤,群集 | |
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50 conjecture | |
n./v.推测,猜测 | |
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51 brute | |
n.野兽,兽性 | |
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52 exhausted | |
adj.极其疲惫的,精疲力尽的 | |
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53 distressing | |
a.使人痛苦的 | |
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54 disappearance | |
n.消失,消散,失踪 | |
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55 evade | |
vt.逃避,回避;避开,躲避 | |
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56 inquiry | |
n.打听,询问,调查,查问 | |
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57 diligently | |
ad.industriously;carefully | |
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58 attic | |
n.顶楼,屋顶室 | |
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59 kindly | |
adj.和蔼的,温和的,爽快的;adv.温和地,亲切地 | |
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