WHEN Mr. Torrance's taunting2 words, "I never did ask you to be my wife," fell on Kathleen's ears, she was too much astonished to reply at once. Then in an angry tone, she said, "How dare you say so, John? I have not forgotten what passed the day Ralph first left his bedroom. Surely I need not remind you."
"It is you who need to be reminded, so listen."
With cruel deliberation, Mr. Torrance repeated his boy's passionate3 appeal to Kathleen to be his mother, and her annoyance4 at the trick, as she deemed it.
"Remember, Kitty, I refused to second Ralph's request for you to accept what you have, I fear, found to be a thankless position. Whilst the boy lay asleep, worn out with excitement, I made a confession5 of my unworthiness, and said I would not ask you to share my lot. Shall I go on?"
Kathleen's face was set and hard, but she said nothing.
"To my surprise and delight, you bestowed6 your sweet self upon me unasked save by Ralph, when I had expected a long and perhaps useless wooing. Never mind, dear, I was grateful for trouble saved, and, if I have not quite realized your ideal, we have been fairly happy. Now we will forget this little episode. Let us kiss and be friends."
He seized her hand, but Kathleen, beside herself with anger, threw her head back, exclaiming, "Do not come near me! I cannot bear this! What shall I do?"
"To get rid of me? You will hardly do that. You must be good, and ask to be forgiven," he said, laughing at her anger, and holding her as easily as a child.
A little girl once said of her father's guest, "I do not like him, because he laughs when he is angry."
When John Torrance gave way to ill-temper, one of its manifestations7 was mocking laughter, accompanied by taunting words softly spoken.
"So you will not be friends? Never mind. Man and wife quarrel only to make up their differences ere long. By the way, let me ask you if you have an idea that I found favour in Hetty Stapleton's eyes?"
"You gave me that impression."
"Fie, Kitty! You have maligned9 Hetty. I only told you she and I were friends once, and you replied that her friendship was worth keeping. Then I said something had happened which I could not speak of."
"I will now tell you the exact truth about Hetty Stapleton and myself, then you will perhaps, in future, be less inclined to regard your impressions as infallible, and be more careful in judging the intentions of other people. It is not always safe to judge them by their acts and words. To read a person's intentions requires more than human prescience, Kitty."
"I paid Miss Stapleton attentions which lookers-on attributed to a desire to make her my wife. They were not mistaken as to my intentions. I was not in love with Hetty, and had you been of age or nearly so at the time, I should never have looked in her direction. She is not at all handsome, but she is a person of great decision of character, and would, I am sure, have made me an excellent wife from a business point of view. I was in difficulties, and as Hetty's fortune was considerable and in her own hands, I thought to find a good way out of them by marrying her."
"I threw myself in her way as much as possible, and dangled10 after her for some time, during which, I am bound to confess, she gave me no encouragement. Then, in a desperate mood, I formally proposed to her, and was refused. I was also made to listen to certain home-truths from the lips of Miss Stapleton, which I have neither forgotten nor forgiven. Understand, Kitty, I should never have looked at Hetty, had you been old enough to be available. You were and are very beautiful, and you have other qualities which are far superior to hers and more attractive in my eyes."
"More money," said Kathleen, in a cold, hard voice.
"That was one thing, of course. It goes without saying that, in my position, the money was very important. But you had many attractions independently of that, and you were so charmingly kind and confiding11, you know."
If he had thought to touch Kathleen by this last sneer12, he failed in his object. For any sign of emotion she showed, she might have been turned into stone.
"Thank you," she said. "I am glad you have told me the truth at last. It will enable me to right a wrong that I did whilst labouring under a false impression."
"Better not stir up old grievances13, Kitty. Let the dead past bury its dead. Now will you not kiss and be friends?"
He drew her towards him and kissed her, but as he touched her lips with his she shivered and shrank visibly.
"You promised to release me when I had heard the tale about Hetty Stapleton. May I ask you to keep your word?" said Kathleen.
"Certainly, dear."
Mr. Torrance released the hand he held, walked to the door and opened it for her to pass out.
She did so without bestowing14 a glance upon him, and went up to her own room. Five minutes later she left the house, and went straight to Oakwood, where she knew Miss Stapleton was staying.
Hetty was in, and when she saw Kathleen she met her kindly15, but with a gravity very unlike the old cordial welcome.
"Hetty," said Kathleen, "I am here to tell you that I know all the truth as to your old acquaintance with Mr. Torrance. I hate myself as I look back on that day when I insulted you cruelly and grossly! I had formed a certain impression, and I now know that it was wrong in every respect. I have only myself to blame, for I had not been told, in so many words, what I asserted. I wish I could make amends16 to you."
"No harm followed, except that I was grieved at being misjudged by you. I am sure you came to me as soon as you knew the truth," said Hetty.
"You forgive me? I see you do," cried Kathleen.
"I never greatly blamed you, for I could understand how the impression was produced, and was sure you would repeat the story to none but me. Now you must forgive yourself."
"That is hardest of all," replied Kathleen. "Besides, I am punished in knowing that I misjudged a true friend."
"Then let us forget all about it."
The two parted with words of affection and feelings of renewed friendship, and as Kathleen walked homeward, she felt that one portion of her trouble had been removed. Still, the brightness seemed to have gone from her life. In her indignation and distress17 at Mr. Torrance's taunting words she would have gone to her aunt and Geraldine at Monk's How, had there been no child at Hollingsby. But the little hands drew her homeward, and the first relief came to her burdened heart as she clasped her boy in her arms, and her tears fell on his unconscious head, as he slept peacefully on her breast.
As Kathleen sat rocking her baby to and fro, she was asking herself, "How shall I live the life that is before me? I dread18 the thought of looking my child's father in the face. My trust in him is gone. Yet I am as much to blame as he, in one sense, for I would not listen to those who were better able to judge of his character than I was."
How the past became present as she sat there! Her peaceful girlhood, with its luxurious19 surroundings and freedom from care. Her father's love for and trust in her, the tender, watchful20 care of her guardians21, Aylmer's affection, and the self-devotion which placed her happiness before his own.
"I was wilful22 and selfish a little while ago; now it is my lot to have benefits repaid with ingratitude23. I tried to make Ralph happy, and he causes me deep sorrow. I loved my husband, and gave him all I had, thinking that our marriage would be his salvation24, and now! How foolish I was! How could one so weak, faulty, and headstrong bring to bear an influence which would change a strong nature like John's? Yet I was proud at the thought of giving my life for the elevation25 of his."
Kathleen laid her sleeping babe on his soft bed, after showering kisses on the innocent face; then, falling on her knees, she prayed long and earnestly for pardon and guidance; but even this resource did not bring calm at once.
The contrast between former expectations and present reality was too much for Kathleen. By turns she was distressed26, despairing, and indignant. It was so horrible to recall those sneering27 words which reminded her that she had given her love and herself without being asked for either.
"And yet," she thought, "if ever a man seemed to plead for both with his whole being, John laid himself at my feet, as one who dared not ask for what he was unworthy to possess. Only three and a half years a wife, and it has come to this! Not yet twenty-five years old, and, it may be, I have a long life before me."
Kathleen remained beside her boy in the October twilight28. She knew not whether her husband was in the house or not. She dreaded29 the thought of meeting him at dinner, and equally dreaded to absent herself, lest, in his present humour, he might say or do something to call the attention of the servants to their disagreement.
She was debating whether she should dress and go down to the meal, or make illness an excuse for absenting herself. She was feeling sufficiently30 indisposed to render such an excuse a true one, and her eyes were red with weeping.
Whilst she was debating with herself, the nurse entered softly.
"I am afraid you must have rung without my hearing you, ma'am," she said.
"I had not rung. Baby fell asleep, and I laid him down, and sat quietly by him. I am tired, and not feeling very well. Is Mr. Torrance in?"
The girl looked surprised. Then answered, "No, ma'am. A telegram came for him when you were out, and he had his bag packed, and went off by train. He left a message for you with Lucy, and he met me with baby on the stairs. He kissed him, and said I was to say he had left the kiss with the little man for you."
Lucy, the parlour-maid, could only tell her mistress that the master had been called away in a hurry, and would be absent a night, or maybe more. That was all. No intimation as to his destination, the message he had received, or the person or business that had summoned him away.
Kathleen's pride prevented her from asking more questions, or showing what she felt under this new slight. "He knew how terrible the suspense31 would be. He has put me on the rack on purpose," she said to herself. "It is only part of to-day's whole."
The cruelty of the thing added both to her anger and distress. There was no question of her going down and taking her place at a solitary32 dinner-table, so she put on a simple tea-gown, and gave orders that some light food should be brought to her dressing-room.
"There is a good fire in your boudoir, ma'am."
This was the little upstairs sitting-room33 which had been the scene of what Kathleen now regarded as her humiliating self-surrender. She shuddered34 at the thought of crossing its threshold.
"I prefer staying here," she replied. "It is equally comfortable, and, as I am not feeling very well, I shall probably lie down for awhile."
The food was brought, and Kathleen took a little, though without appetite.
"I must keep health and life if I can, for my baby's sake," she thought.
The parlour-maid who waited on Kathleen said, "I am sorry I forgot to tell you, ma'am, that Miss Ellicott called directly after you went out. As you were not in, she came again on her way home. That was just when master was starting for the station. He told Miss Ellicott that he was going off for the night, and said maybe she would spend an hour with you this evening, as you would be by yourself. She said she would come across after dinner."
Kathleen scarcely knew whether to be glad or sorry at the prospect35 of seeing Ger. It would be difficult to look cheerful, or to hide the tell-tale traces of tears. She did not wish to repeat the story of her trouble, even in such sympathetic ears. How, indeed, could she repeat those cruel, taunting words, the very memory of which made her face glow with the flush of shame? Besides, it were better that none should come between her and John.
Husband and wife would best settle their differences without calling in a mediator36, and Kathleen felt that hers was no case for mediation37. It was one of cruel, scathing38 words, of taunt1 and sneer, and mock politeness on the one side; of bitter suffering and resentment39 on the other, which could never be changed, yet must be endured in silence, and with such courage and patience as she could command.
There was an interval40 during which Kathleen's thoughts went back to her mother's story, her fault, punishment, penalty and final peace.
"She paid by the wreck41 of her physical strength, but she was forgiven, and her days of suffering cheered by my father's tenderest love. I have wrecked42 my life in a worse manner, and I shall never have a like consolation43."
Truly John Torrance had, for the first time, shown his worst side to Kathleen during the recent quarrel. He had not meant to go so far, but he was angry with himself, disturbed by serious losses, and further irritated by Aylmer's appeal on the subject of a will. Hence the resolution to give Kitty a lesson, and put her in her right place for once.
Still, he could not forget all he owed her, and as soon as she was out of sight he began to feel ashamed of himself.
"Poor Kitty! I have been a little rough on her, but she is so fiery44, and needs a curb45 sometimes," he thought. "I have always been master, and I intend to be. Can she have told Hetty Stapleton that, if I would have given her the chance she would have gladly accepted me? It is likely enough."
At that moment Mr. Torrance saw his wife leave the house in walking attire46, and exclaimed, "I have guessed rightly, and Kitty is off to put things straight with Hetty."
He laughed loudly, and, though admiring Kathleen's courage and rectitude, he decided47 that the walk would do her good.
"It will take the temper out of her, and she will come back in a reasonable frame of mind," he said to himself.
Immediately afterwards the telegram came. It was unimportant, but he decided to use it as an excuse for leaving home.
"Kathleen will be troubled and anxious, and, in wondering what has happened to call me away, she will forget our little tiff48, and be only thankful to welcome me back again," he thought.
When he met the nurse he left the kiss and message, partly to atone49 to the child for his former unkindness, partly to mollify Kathleen when she heard of it.
The impetuosity of Kathleen's temper made a reaction inevitable50, and her unselfish love could not be wholly destroyed by the shattering of its idol51. So, as she thought of her husband, it was with sorrow as well as anger. After receiving his message, she bent52 over her child and touched with her lips the place he had kissed. It was something to know that he tried to make amends to her darling baby. John had asked Geraldine to come and cheer her, so he had given an anxious thought to her comfort. He had been very cruel, but his temper was hasty—so like her own.
In this somewhat softened53 mood, Geraldine found her. She read a tale of trouble on Kathleen's face, but was not the one to force confidences; so she talked about the baby's progress, of Ralph's good work at school, of some protégés in whom they were both interested.
Kathleen's manner was, however, absent and constrained54.
"I was sorry Mr. Torrance had been called away," continued Ger, "but he said he should only be a night or two absent, and he seemed very anxious you should not be lonely."
Kathleen's tears began to fall, and she replied, "I may as well own that John and I had our first real quarrel to-day. I was angry, and I went out. On my return, he was gone. It is miserable55 to think of it all, and I feel quite broken down. The worst of it is, I can tell no one else."
"Except One," replied Geraldine. "Trust Him, and He will guide you and comfort you. I shall pray that this trouble may be overruled for good. A failure that shows us our weakness, often proves a blessing56 in the end. It makes us afraid of venturing on ground which we have found dangerous, and renders us more watchful over ourselves."
"I would not have a repetition of to-day's experience for the world," said Kathleen. "But oh, Ger, I do need both strength and comfort very badly!"
"I will not ask you to tell me anything, dear Kitty, and I need not remind you that, whatever your present want, God's love can and will supply it. I am only the maiden57 aunt, and have no experience in matrimonial differences, but I do know how important it is to prevent such from becoming habitual58. At any cost of self-denial and self-restraint, for the sake of your child, your hope of happiness with your husband, above all, for Christ's sake, fight against every temptation to indulge in anything that could build up a wall of separation between you and John."
Geraldine spoke8 earnestly, for, with the memory of Kathleen's girlish temperament59 and fits of self-will, she thought it not unlikely that she had given way to passion, and thus the quarrel had been brought about.
Mr. Torrance had always treated his wife with such marked respect, and shown her so much consideration in the presence of others, that it was probable some hasty speech of Kathleen had caused the trouble.
Her cousin seemed to read Geraldine's thoughts.
"If you imagine that I did something to provoke John, you are mistaken, Ger," she said. "Knowing me as you do, you are not to blame for supposing that I deserve a full share of responsibility for what has happened. I would rather be misunderstood than clear myself by telling all that passed."
Kathleen shuddered involuntarily as she spoke, and Ger, seeing how deeply she was distressed, could only say tender, loving words, and express a hope that this first serious misunderstanding might be also the last.
"Shall I stay with you to-night?" she asked. "If you wish it, I will send a line to mother, and remain here."
Kathleen thanked her, but would not agree to this, feeling that even so kind a presence would be a restraint.
"I shall go early to bed," she said, "and I am going to have my boy beside me for company. I have told nurse to bring his cot into my room."
So Geraldine left her, having first promised Kathleen that she would repeat nothing that had passed, either to her mother or Mr. Matheson.
"Better so," thought Ger. "One may reasonably hope, that as some years have passed before a first quarrel, there will be no speedy repetition of it. Interference would do harm, and the meddler60 would share the usual fate of those who come between husband and wife."
There is nothing harder or more embarrassing than the first meeting after a quarrel and an angry parting between friends, lovers, or a married pair. With a longing61 for reconciliation62, comes unwillingness63 to make the first advance, or doubt as to its being accepted. Cruel words and deeds may be regretted, but pride may prevent the fault being acknowledged. Each may determine that the other shall yield, so the breach64 widens until it becomes impassable.
Kathleen had been cruelly taunted65, and her husband's words would never be forgotten. On the other hand, she remembered her own fits of passion; but she could say, "I have tried to conquer them, for my child's sake especially. And John is so much older. Besides, he is quite cool, and his taunts66, softly uttered and with a smile, maddened me." Then love pleaded. "He is my husband, my baby's father. I have to live with him. He was sorry before he left home." Kathleen wept, thought, prayed, and at last forgot her trouble in sleep.
The following day passed without Mr. Torrance. Then came a telegram. He would be home the next afternoon, and a carriage was to meet him at the station.
Kathleen usually met her husband, but hesitated about doing so now. Yet, if the concession67 would bring about a better understanding, it might be well to make it, she thought.
After all, Mr. Torrance came by an earlier train. Hearing a footstep as she was sitting in the grounds, she turned and saw her husband, but could not utter a word.
His face wore its pleasantest expression. His trip had proved fortunate. A debt had been paid to him, and he had gained more money by another's loss, so he was in high good humour.
"I startled you, Kitty," he said; "you might have seen a ghost. Did you get my kiss, and did Geraldine come to you?"
Kathleen's white lips moved, but no sound came, and her husband was shocked at her looks.
"You are quite unnerved, Kitty; surely not by my jesting words? I never meant to grieve you by my nonsense. I was worried by a number of things at the time. Forget and forgive, like the dear girl you are."
He drew her close to him, and kissed her repeatedly, but Kathleen only gasped68 out from quivering lips, "I wish I could forget."
"My darling, you are too sensitive, or you would think nothing of such trifles. You said some pretty sharp things too, but I just put them out of mind, as the wisest way."
"You forget more easily than I can, John, but I will try."
"There's a sweet Kitty," he replied cheerfully. "Now let us have the boy down. What a splendid fellow he is growing!"
The child was brought, praised and caressed69, and Mr. Torrance was so devotedly70 kind to Kathleen, that she began to feel as if the events of the last two days were only an idle dream, from which she had happily awakened71. But she was soon to know that such dreams often recur72.
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1
taunt
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| n.辱骂，嘲弄；v.嘲弄 | |
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taunting
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| 嘲讽( taunt的现在分词 )； 嘲弄； 辱骂； 奚落 | |
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passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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annoyance
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| n.恼怒，生气，烦恼 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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bestowed
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| 赠给，授予( bestow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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manifestations
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| n.表示，显示（manifestation的复数形式） | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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maligned
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| vt.污蔑，诽谤（malign的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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dangled
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| 悬吊着( dangle的过去式和过去分词 )； 摆动不定； 用某事物诱惑…； 吊胃口 | |
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confiding
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| adj.相信人的，易于相信的v.吐露（秘密，心事等）( confide的现在分词 )；（向某人）吐露（隐私、秘密等） | |
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sneer
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| v.轻蔑；嘲笑；n.嘲笑，讥讽的言语 | |
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grievances
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| n.委屈( grievance的名词复数 )；苦衷；不满；牢骚 | |
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bestowing
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| 砖窑中砖堆上层已烧透的砖 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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amends
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| n. 赔偿 | |
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distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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luxurious
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| adj.精美而昂贵的；豪华的 | |
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watchful
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| adj.注意的，警惕的 | |
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guardians
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| 监护人( guardian的名词复数 )； 保护者，维护者 | |
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wilful
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| adj.任性的，故意的 | |
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ingratitude
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| n.忘恩负义 | |
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salvation
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| n.（尤指基督）救世，超度，拯救，解困 | |
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elevation
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| n.高度；海拔；高地；上升；提高 | |
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distressed
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| 痛苦的 | |
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sneering
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| 嘲笑的，轻蔑的 | |
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twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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dreaded
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| adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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suspense
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| n.（对可能发生的事）紧张感，担心，挂虑 | |
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solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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sitting-room
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| n.（BrE）客厅，起居室 | |
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shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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mediator
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| n.调解人，中介人 | |
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mediation
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| n.调解 | |
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scathing
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| adj.（言词、文章）严厉的，尖刻的；不留情的adv.严厉地，尖刻地v.伤害，损害（尤指使之枯萎）( scathe的现在分词) | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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wreck
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| n.失事，遇难；沉船；vt.(船等)失事，遇难 | |
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wrecked
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| adj.失事的，遇难的 | |
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consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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fiery
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| adj.燃烧着的，火红的；暴躁的；激烈的 | |
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curb
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| n.场外证券市场，场外交易；vt.制止，抑制 | |
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attire
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| v.穿衣，装扮[同]array；n.衣着；盛装 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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tiff
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| n.小争吵，生气 | |
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49
atone
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| v.赎罪，补偿 | |
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inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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51
idol
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| n.偶像，红人，宠儿 | |
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52
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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53
softened
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| （使）变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰 | |
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constrained
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| adj.束缚的,节制的 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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maiden
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| n.少女，处女；adj.未婚的，纯洁的，无经验的 | |
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58
habitual
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| adj.习惯性的；通常的，惯常的 | |
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59
temperament
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| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
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60
meddler
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| n.爱管闲事的人，干涉者 | |
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61
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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62
reconciliation
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| n.和解，和谐，一致 | |
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63
unwillingness
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| n. 不愿意，不情愿 | |
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64
breach
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| n.违反，不履行；破裂；vt.冲破，攻破 | |
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65
taunted
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| 嘲讽( taunt的过去式和过去分词 )； 嘲弄； 辱骂； 奚落 | |
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66
taunts
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| 嘲弄的言语，嘲笑，奚落( taunt的名词复数 ) | |
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67
concession
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| n.让步，妥协；特许(权) | |
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68
gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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69
caressed
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| 爱抚或抚摸…( caress的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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devotedly
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| 专心地； 恩爱地； 忠实地； 一心一意地 | |
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awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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72
recur
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| vi.复发，重现，再发生 | |
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