THAT hour with Strefford had altered her whole perspective.
Instead of possible dependence1, an enforced return to the oldlife of connivances and concessions2, she saw before her--whenever she chose to take them--freedom, power and dignity.
Dignity! It was odd what weight that word had come to have forher. She had dimly felt its significance, felt the need of itspresence in her inmost soul, even in the young thoughtless dayswhen she had seemed to sacrifice so little to the austeredivinities. And since she had been Nick Lansing's wife she hadconsciously acknowledged it, had suffered and agonized3 when shefell beneath its standard. Yes: to marry Strefford would giveher that sense of self-respect which, in such a world as theirs,only wealth and position could ensure. If she had not themental or moral training to attain4 independence in any otherway, was she to blame for seeking it on such terms?
Of course there was always the chance that Nick would come back,would find life without her as intolerable as she was finding itwithout him. If that happened--ah, if that happened! Then shewould cease to strain her eyes into the future, would seize uponthe present moment and plunge5 into it to the very bottom ofoblivion. Nothing on earth would matter then--money or freedomor pride, or her precious moral dignity, if only she were inNick's arms again!
But there was Nick's icy letter, there was Coral Hicks'sinsolent post-card, to show how little chance there was of sucha solution. Susy understood that, even before the discovery ofher transaction with Ellie Vanderlyn, Nick had secretly wearied,if not of his wife, at least of the life that their marriagecompelled him to lead. His passion was not strong enough-hadnever been strong enough--to outweigh6 his prejudices, scruples,principles, or whatever one chose to call them. Susy's dignitymight go up like tinder in the blaze of her love; but his wasmade of a less combustible7 substance. She had felt, in theirlast talk together, that she had forever destroyed the innerharmony between them.
Well--there it was, and the fault was doubtless neither hers norhis, but that of the world they had grown up in, of their ownmoral contempt for it and physical dependence on it, of hishalf-talents and her half-principles, of the something in themboth that was not stout8 enough to resist nor yet pliant9 enoughto yield. She stared at the fact on the journey back toVersailles, and all that sleepless10 night in her room; and thenext morning, when the housemaid came in with her breakfasttray, she felt the factitious energy that comes from havingdecided, however half-heartedly, on a definite course.
She had said to herself: "If there's no letter from Nick thistime next week I'll write to Streff--" and the week had passed,and there was no letter.
It was now three weeks since he had left her, and she had had noword but his note from Genoa. She had concluded that,foreseeing the probability of her leaving Venice, he would writeto her in care of their Paris bank. But though she hadimmediately notified the bank of her change of address nocommunication from Nick had reached her; and she smiled with atouch of bitterness at the difficulty he was doubtless findingin the composition of the promised letter. Her own scrap-basket, for the first days, had been heaped with the fragmentsof the letters she had begun; and she told herself that, sincethey both found it so hard to write, it was probably becausethey had nothing left to say to each other.
Meanwhile the days at Mrs. Melrose's drifted by as they had beenwont to drift when, under the roofs of the rich, Susy Branch hadmarked time between one episode and the next of her precariousexistence. Her experience of such sojourns12 was varied13 enough tomake her acutely conscious of their effect on her temporaryhosts; and in the present case she knew that Violet was hardlyaware of her presence. But if no more than tolerated she was atleast not felt to be an inconvenience; when your hostess forgotabout you it proved that at least you were not in her way.
Violet, as usual, was perpetually on the wing, for her profoundindolence expressed itself in a disordered activity. Nat Fulmerhad returned to Paris; but Susy guessed that his benefactresswas still constantly in his company, and that when Mrs. Melrosewas whirled away in her noiseless motor it was generally towardthe scene of some new encounter between Fulmer and the arts. Onthese occasions she sometimes offered to carry Susy to Paris,and they devoted14 several long and hectic15 mornings to the dress-makers, where Susy felt herself gradually succumbing16 to thefamiliar spell of heaped-up finery. It seemed impossible, asfurs and laces and brocades were tossed aside, brought back, andat last carelessly selected from, that anything but the whim17 ofthe moment need count in deciding whether one should take all ornone, or that any woman could be worth looking at who did notpossess the means to make her choice regardless of cost.
Once alone, and in the street again, the evil fumes18 wouldevaporate, and daylight re-enter Susy's soul; yet she felt thatthe old poison was slowly insinuating19 itself into her system.
To dispel20 it she decided11 one day to look up Grace Fulmer. Shewas curious to know how the happy-go-lucky companion of Fulmer'sevil days was bearing the weight of his prosperity, and shevaguely felt that it would be refreshing21 to see some one who hadnever been afraid of poverty.
The airless pension sitting-room22, where she waited while areluctant maid-servant screamed about the house for Mrs. Fulmer,did not have the hoped-for effect. It was one thing for Graceto put up with such quarters when she shared them with Fulmer;but to live there while he basked23 in the lingering radiance ofVersailles, or rolled from chateau24 to picture gallery in Mrs.
Melrose's motor, showed a courage that Susy felt unable toemulate.
"My dear! I knew you'd look me up," Grace's joyous25 voice randown the stairway; and in another moment she was clasping Susyto her tumbled person.
"Nat couldn't remember if he'd given you our address, though hepromised me he would, the last time he was here." She held Susyat arms' length, beaming upon her with blinking short-sightedeyes: the same old dishevelled Grace, so careless of herneglected beauty and her squandered26 youth, so amused and absent-minded and improvident27, that the boisterous28 air of the NewHampshire bungalow29 seemed to enter with her into the little air-tight salon30.
While she poured out the tale of Nat's sudden celebrity31, and itsunexpected consequences, Susy marvelled32 and dreamed. Was thesecret of his triumph perhaps due to those long hard unrewardedyears, the steadfast33 scorn of popularity, the indifference34 toevery kind of material ease in which his wife had so gailyabetted him? Had it been bought at the cost of her ownfreshness and her own talent, of the children's "advantages," ofeverything except the closeness of the tie between husband andwife? Well--it was worth the price, no doubt; but what if, nowthat honours and prosperity had come, the tie were snapped, andGrace were left alone among the ruins?
There was nothing in her tone or words to suggest such apossibility. Susy noticed that her ill-assorted raiment wascostlier in quality and more professional in cut than the home-made garments which had draped her growing bulk at the bungalow:
it was clear that she was trying to dress up to Nat's newsituation. But, above all, she was rejoicing in it, filling herhungry lungs with the strong air of his success. It hadevidently not occurred to her as yet that those who consent toshare the bread of adversity may want the whole cake ofprosperity for themselves.
"My dear, it's too wonderful! He's told me to take as manyconcert and opera tickets as I like; he lets me take all thechildren with me. The big concerts don't begin till later; butof course the Opera is always going. And there are littlethings--there's music in Paris at all seasons. And later it'sjust possible we may get to Munich for a week--oh, Susy!" Herhands clasped, her eyes brimming, she drank the new wine of lifealmost sacramentally.
"Do you remember, Susy, when you and Nick came to stay at thebungalow? Nat said you'd be horrified36 by our primitiveness-butI knew better! And I was right, wasn't I? Seeing us so happymade you and Nick decide to follow our example, didn't it?" Sheglowed with the remembrance. "And now, what are your plans? IsNick's book nearly done? I suppose you'll have to live veryeconomically till he finds a publisher. And the baby, darling-when is that to be? If you're coming home soon I could let youhave a lot of the children's little old things.""You're always so dear, Grace. But we haven't any special plansas yet--not even for a baby. And I wish you'd tell me all ofyours instead."Mrs. Fulmer asked nothing better: Susy perceived that, so far,the greater part of her European experience had consisted intalking about what it was to be. "Well, you see, Nat is sotaken up all day with sight-seeing and galleries and meetingimportant people that he hasn't had time to go about with us;and as so few theatres are open, and there's so little music,I've taken the opportunity to catch up with my mending. Juniehelps me with it now--she's our eldest37, you remember? She'sgrown into a big girl since you saw her. And later, perhaps,we're to travel. And the most wonderful thing of all--next toNat's recognition, I mean--is not having to contrive38 and skimp39,and give up something every single minute. Just think--Nat haseven made special arrangements here in the pension, so that thechildren all have second helpings40 to everything. And when I goup to bed I can think of my music, instead of lying awakecalculating and wondering how I can make things come out at theend of the month. Oh, Susy, that's simply heaven!"Susy's heart contracted. She had come to her friend to betaught again the lesson of indifference to material things, andinstead she was hearing from Grace Fulmer's lips the long-repressed avowal41 of their tyranny. After all, that battle withpoverty on the New Hampshire hillside had not been the easysmiling business that Grace and Nat had made it appear. And yet... and yet ....
Susy stood up abruptly42, and straightened the expensive hat whichhung irresponsibly over Grace's left ear.
"What's wrong with it? Junie helped me choose it, and shegenerally knows," Mrs. Fulmer wailed43 with helpless hands.
"It's the way you wear it, dearest--and the bow is rather top-heavy. Let me have it a minute, please." Susy lifted the hatfrom her friend's head and began to manipulate its trimming.
"This is the way Maria Guy or Suzanne would do it .... And nowgo on about Nat ...."She listened musingly44 while Grace poured forth45 the tale of herhusband's triumph, of the notices in the papers, the demand forhis work, the fine ladies' battles over their priority indiscovering him, and the multiplied orders that had resultedfrom their rivalry46.
"Of course they're simply furious with each other-Mrs. Melroseand Mrs. Gillow especially--because each one pretends to havebeen the first to notice his 'Spring Snow-Storm,' and in realityit wasn't either of them, but only poor Bill Haslett, an art-critic we've known for years, who chanced on the picture, andrushed off to tell a dealer47 who was looking for a new painter topush." Grace suddenly raised her soft myopic48 eyes to Susy'sface. "But, do you know, the funny thing is that I believe Natis beginning to forget this, and to believe that it was Mrs.
Melrose who stopped short in front of his picture on the openingday, and screamed out: 'This is genius!' It seems funny heshould care so much, when I've always known he had genius-andhe has known it too. But they're all so kind to him; and Mrs.
Melrose especially. And I suppose it makes a thing sound new tohear it said in a new voice."Susy looked at her meditatively49. "And how should you feel ifNat liked too much to hear Mrs. Melrose say it? Too much, Imean, to care any longer what you felt or thought?"Her friend's worn face flushed quickly, and then paled: Susyalmost repented50 the question. But Mrs. Fulmer met it with atranquil dignity. "You haven't been married long enough, dear,to understand ... how people like Nat and me feel about suchthings ... or how trifling51 they seem, in the balance ... thebalance of one's memories."Susy stood up again, and flung her arms about her friend. "Oh,Grace," she laughed with wet eyes, "how can you be as wise asthat, and yet not have sense enough to buy a decent hat?" Shegave Mrs. Fulmer a quick embrace and hurried away. She hadlearned her lesson after all; but it was not exactly the one shehad come to seek.
The week she had allowed herself had passed, and still there wasno word from Nick. She allowed herself yet another day, andthat too went by without a letter. She then decided on a stepfrom which her pride had hitherto recoiled52; she would call atthe bank and ask for Nick's address. She called, embarrassedand hesitating; and was told, after enquiries in the post-officedepartment, that Mr. Nicholas Lansing had given no address sincethat of the Palazzo Vanderlyn, three months previously53. Shewent back to Versailles that afternoon with the definiteintention of writing to Strefford unless the next morning's postbrought a letter.
The next morning brought nothing from Nick, but a scribbledmessage from Mrs. Melrose: would Susy, as soon as possible,come into her room for a word, Susy jumped up, hurried throughher bath, and knocked at her hostess's door. In the immense lowbed that faced the rich umbrage54 of the park Mrs. Melrose laysmoking cigarettes and glancing over her letters. She looked upwith her vague smile, and said dreamily: "Susy darling, haveyou any particular plans--for the next few months, I mean?"Susy coloured: she knew the intonation55 of old, and fancied sheunderstood what it implied.
"Plans, dearest? Any number ... I'm tearing myself away the dayafter to-morrow ... to the Gillows' moor56, very probably," shehastened to announce.
Instead of the relief she had expected to read on Mrs. Melrose'sdramatic countenance57 she discovered there the blankestdisappointment.
"Oh, really? That's too bad. Is it absolutely settled--?""As far as I'm concerned," said Susy crisply.
The other sighed. "I'm too sorry. You see, dear, I'd meant toask you to stay on here quietly and look after the Fulmerchildren. Fulmer and I are going to Spain next week--I want tobe with him when he makes his studies, receives his firstimpressions; such a marvellous experience, to be there when heand Velasquez meet!" She broke off, lost in prospectiveecstasy. "And, you see, as Grace Fulmer insists on coming withus--""Ah, I see.""Well, there are the five children--such a problem," sighed thebenefactress. "If you were at a loose end, you know, dear,while Nick's away with his friends, I could really make it worthyour while ....""So awfully58 good of you, Violet; only I'm not, as it happens."Oh the relief of being able to say that, gaily35, firmly and eventruthfully! Take charge of the Fulmer children, indeed! Susyremembered how Nick and she had fled from them that autumnafternoon in New Hampshire. The offer gave her a salutaryglimpse of the way in which, as the years passed, and she losther freshness and novelty, she would more and more be used as aconvenience, a stop-gap, writer of notes, runner of errands,nursery governess or companion. She called to mind severalelderly women of her acquaintance, pensioners59 of her own group,who still wore its livery, struck its attitudes and chatteredits jargon60, but had long since been ruthlessly relegated61 tothese slave-ant offices. Never in the world would she jointheir numbers.
Mrs. Melrose's face fell, and she looked at Susy with theplaintive bewilderment of the wielder62 of millions to whomeverything that cannot be bought is imperceptible.
"But I can't see why you can't change your plans," she murmuredwith a soft persistency63.
"Ah, well, you know"--Susy paused on a slow inward smile--"they're not mine only, as it happens."Mrs. Melrose's brow clouded. The unforeseen complication ofMrs. Fulmer's presence on the journey had evidently tried hernerves, and this new obstacle to her arrangements shook herfaith in the divine order of things.
"Your plans are not yours only? But surely you won't let UrsulaGillow dictate64 to you? ... There's my jade65 pendant; the one yousaid you liked the other day .... The Fulmers won't go with me,you understand, unless they're satisfied about the children; thewhole plan will fall through. Susy darling, you were always toounselfish; I hate to see you sacrificed to Ursula."Susy's smile lingered. Time was when she might have been gladto add the jade pendant to the collection already enriched byEllie Vanderlyn's sapphires66; more recently, she would haveresented the offer as an insult to her newly-found principles.
But already the mere67 fact that she might henceforth, if shechose, be utterly68 out of reach of such bribes69, enabled her tolook down on them with tolerance70. Oh, the blessed moral freedomthat wealth conferred! She recalled Mrs. Fulmer'suncontrollable cry: "The most wonderful thing of all is nothaving to contrive and skimp, and give up something every singleminute!" Yes; it was only on such terms that one could callone's soul one's own. The sense of it gave Susy the grace toanswer amicably71: "If I could possibly help you out, Violet, Ishouldn't want a present to persuade me. And, as you say,there's no reason why I should sacrifice myself to Ursula--or toanybody else. Only, as it happens"--she paused and took theplunge--"I'm going to England because I've promised to see afriend." That night she wrote to Strefford.
收听单词发音 |
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dependence
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| n.依靠，依赖；信任，信赖；隶属 | |
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concessions
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| n.（尤指由政府或雇主给予的）特许权( concession的名词复数 )；承认；减价；（在某地的）特许经营权 | |
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agonized
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| v.使（极度）痛苦，折磨( agonize的过去式和过去分词 )；苦斗；苦苦思索；感到极度痛苦 | |
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attain
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| vt.达到，获得，完成 | |
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plunge
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| v.跳入，(使)投入，(使)陷入；猛冲 | |
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outweigh
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| vt.比...更重，...更重要 | |
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combustible
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| a. 易燃的,可燃的; n. 易燃物,可燃物 | |
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pliant
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| adj.顺从的；可弯曲的 | |
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sleepless
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| adj.不睡眠的，睡不著的，不休息的 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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sojourns
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| n.逗留，旅居( sojourn的名词复数 ) | |
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varied
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| adj.多样的，多变化的 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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hectic
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| adj.肺病的；消耗热的；发热的；闹哄哄的 | |
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succumbing
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| 不再抵抗（诱惑、疾病、攻击等）( succumb的现在分词 )； 屈从； 被压垮； 死 | |
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whim
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| n.一时的兴致，突然的念头；奇想，幻想 | |
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fumes
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| n.(强烈而刺激的)气味，气体 | |
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insinuating
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| adj.曲意巴结的，暗示的v.暗示( insinuate的现在分词 )；巧妙或迂回地潜入；（使）缓慢进入；慢慢伸入 | |
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dispel
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| vt.驱走，驱散，消除 | |
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refreshing
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| adj.使精神振作的，使人清爽的，使人喜欢的 | |
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sitting-room
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| n.（BrE）客厅，起居室 | |
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basked
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| v.晒太阳，取暖( bask的过去式和过去分词 )；对…感到乐趣；因他人的功绩而出名；仰仗…的余泽 | |
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chateau
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| n.城堡，别墅 | |
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joyous
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| adj.充满快乐的；令人高兴的 | |
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squandered
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| v.（指钱，财产等）浪费，乱花( squander的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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improvident
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| adj.不顾将来的，不节俭的，无远见的 | |
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boisterous
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| adj.喧闹的，欢闹的 | |
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bungalow
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| n.平房，周围有阳台的木造小平房 | |
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salon
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| n.[法]沙龙；客厅；营业性的高级服务室 | |
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celebrity
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| n.名人，名流；著名，名声，名望 | |
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marvelled
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| v.惊奇，对…感到惊奇( marvel的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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steadfast
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| adj.固定的，不变的，不动摇的；忠实的；坚贞不移的 | |
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indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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gaily
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| adv.欢乐地，高兴地 | |
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horrified
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| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
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eldest
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| adj.最年长的，最年老的 | |
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contrive
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| vt.谋划，策划；设法做到；设计，想出 | |
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skimp
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| v.节省花费，吝啬 | |
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helpings
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| n.（食物）的一份( helping的名词复数 )；帮助，支持 | |
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avowal
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| n.公开宣称，坦白承认 | |
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abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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wailed
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| v.哭叫，哀号( wail的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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musingly
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| adv.沉思地，冥想地 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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rivalry
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| n.竞争，竞赛，对抗 | |
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dealer
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| n.商人，贩子 | |
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myopic
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| adj.目光短浅的，缺乏远见的 | |
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meditatively
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| adv.冥想地 | |
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repented
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| 对（自己的所为）感到懊悔或忏悔( repent的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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recoiled
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| v.畏缩( recoil的过去式和过去分词 )；退缩；报应；返回 | |
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previously
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| adv.以前，先前（地） | |
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umbrage
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| n.不快；树荫 | |
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intonation
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| n.语调，声调；发声 | |
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moor
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| n.荒野，沼泽；vt.(使)停泊；vi.停泊 | |
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countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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pensioners
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| n.领取退休、养老金或抚恤金的人( pensioner的名词复数 ) | |
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jargon
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| n.术语，行话 | |
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relegated
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| v.使降级( relegate的过去式和过去分词 )；使降职；转移；把…归类 | |
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62
wielder
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| 行使者 | |
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63
persistency
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| n. 坚持(余辉, 时间常数) | |
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64
dictate
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| v.口授；(使)听写；指令，指示，命令 | |
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65
jade
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| n.玉石；碧玉；翡翠 | |
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66
sapphires
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| n.蓝宝石，钢玉宝石( sapphire的名词复数 )；蔚蓝色 | |
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67
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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68
utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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69
bribes
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| n.贿赂( bribe的名词复数 )；向（某人）行贿，贿赂v.贿赂( bribe的第三人称单数 )；向（某人）行贿，贿赂 | |
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70
tolerance
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| n.宽容；容忍，忍受；耐药力；公差 | |
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71
amicably
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| adv.友善地 | |
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