AS she fled on toward the lights of the streets a breath offreedom seemed to blow into her face.
Like a weary load the accumulated hypocrisies1 of the last monthshad dropped from her: she was herself again, Nick's Susy, andno one else's. She sped on, staring with bright bewildered eyesat the stately facades2 of the La Muette quarter, theperspectives of bare trees, the awakening3 glitter of shop-windows holding out to her all the things she would never againbe able to buy ....
In an avenue of shops she paused before a milliner's window, andsaid to herself: "Why shouldn't I earn my living by trimminghats?" She met work-girls streaming out under a doorway4, andscattering to catch trams and omnibuses; and she looked withnewly-wakened interest at their tired independent faces. "Whyshouldn't I earn my living as well as they do?" she thought. Alittle farther on she passed a Sister of Charity with softlytrotting feet, a calm anonymous5 glance, and hands hidden in hercapacious sleeves. Susy looked at her and thought: "Whyshouldn't I be a Sister, and have no money to worry about, andtrot about under a white coif helping6 poor people?"All these strangers on whom she smiled in passing, and glancedback at enviously7, were free from the necessities that enslavedher, and would not have known what she meant if she had toldthem that she must have so much money for her dresses, so muchfor her cigarettes, so much for bridge and cabs and tips, andall kinds of extras, and that at that moment she ought to behurrying back to a dinner at the British Embassy, where herpermanent right to such luxuries was to be solemnly recognizedand ratified8.
The artificiality and unreality of her life overcame her as withstifling fumes9. She stopped at a street-corner, drawing longpanting breaths as if she had been running a race. Then, slowlyand aimlessly, she began to saunter along a street of smallprivate houses in damp gardens that led to the Avenue du Bois.
She sat down on a bench. Not far off, the Arc de Triompheraised its august bulk, and beyond it a river of lights streameddown toward Paris, and the stir of the city's heart-beatstroubled the quiet in her bosom10. But not for long. She seemedto be looking at it all from the other side of the grave; and asshe got up and wandered down the Champs Elysees, half empty inthe evening lull11 between dusk and dinner, she felt as if theglittering avenue were really changed into the Field of Shadowsfrom which it takes its name, and as if she were a ghost amongghosts.
Halfway home, a weakness of loneliness overcame her, and sheseated herself under the trees near the Rond Point. Lines ofmotors and carriages were beginning to animate13 the convergingthoroughfares, streaming abreast14, crossing, winding15 in and outof each other in a tangle16 of hurried pleasure-seeking. Shecaught the light on jewels and shirt-fronts and hard bored eyesemerging from dim billows of fur and velvet17. She seemed to hearwhat the couples were saying to each other, she pictured thedrawing-rooms, restaurants, dance-halls they were hastening to,the breathless routine that was hurrying them along, as Time,the old vacuum-cleaner, swept them away with the dust of theircarriage-wheels. And again the loneliness vanished in a senseof release ....
At the corner of the Place de la Concorde she stopped,recognizing a man in evening dress who was hailing a taxi.
Their eyes met, and Nelson Vanderlyn came forward. He was thelast person she cared to run across, and she shrank backinvoluntarily. What did he know, what had he guessed, of hercomplicity in his wife's affairs? No doubt Ellie had blabbed itall out by this time; she was just as likely to confide18 herlove-affairs to Nelson as to anyone else, now that theBockheimer prize was landed.
"Well--well--well--so I've caught you at it! Glad to see you,Susy, my dear." She found her hand cordially clasped inVanderlyn's, and his round pink face bent19 on her with all itsold urbanity. Did nothing matter, then, in this world she wasfleeing from, did no one love or hate or remember?
"No idea you were in Paris--just got here myself," Vanderlyncontinued, visibly delighted at the meeting. "Look here, don'tsuppose you're out of a job this evening by any chance, andwould come and cheer up a lone12 bachelor, eh? No? You are?
Well, that's luck for once! I say, where shall we go? One ofthe places where they dance, I suppose? Yes, I twirl the lightfantastic once in a while myself. Got to keep up with thetimes! Hold on, taxi! Here--I'll drive you home first, andwait while you jump into your toggery. Lots of time." As hesteered her toward the carriage she noticed that he had a goutylimp, and pulled himself in after her with difficulty.
"Mayn't I come as I am, Nelson, I don't feel like dancing.
Let's go and dine in one of those nice smoky little restaurantsby the Place de la Bourse."He seemed surprised but relieved at the suggestion, and theyrolled off together. In a corner at Bauge's they found a quiettable, screened from the other diners, and while Vanderlynadjusted his eyeglasses to study the carte Susy stole a longlook at him. He was dressed with even more than his usualformal trimness, and she detected, in an ultra-flat wrist-watchand discreetly20 expensive waistcoat buttons, an attempt atsmartness altogether new. His face had undergone the samechange: its familiar look of worn optimism had been, as itwere, done up to match his clothes, as though a sort of moralcosmetic had made him pinker, shinier and sprightlier21 withoutreally rejuvenating22 him. A thin veil of high spirits had merelybeen drawn23 over his face, as the shining strands24 of hair wereskilfully brushed over his baldness.
"Here! Carte des vins, waiter! What champagne25, Susy?" Hechose, fastidiously, the best the cellar could produce,grumbling a little at the bourgeois26 character of the dishes.
"Capital food of its kind, no doubt, but coarsish, don't youthink? Well, I don't mind ... it's rather a jolly change fromthe Luxe cooking. A new sensation--I'm all for new sensations,ain't you, my dear?" He re-filled their champagne glasses,flung an arm sideways over his chair, and smiled at her with afoggy benevolence27.
As the champagne flowed his confidences flowed with it.
"Suppose you know what I'm here for--this divorce business? Wewanted to settle it quietly without a fuss, and of course Parisis the best place for that sort of job. Live and let live; noquestions asked. None of your dirty newspapers. Great country,this. No hypocrisy28 ... they understand Life over here!"Susy gazed and listened. She remembered that people had thoughtNelson would make a row when he found out. He had always beenaddicted to truculent29 anecdotes30 about unfaithful wives, and thevery formula of his perpetual ejaculation-- "Caught you at it,eh?"--seemed to hint at a constant preoccupation with suchideas. But now it was evident that, as the saying was, he had"swallowed his dose" like all the others. No strong blast ofindignation had momentarily lifted him above his normal stature31:
he remained a little man among little men, and his eagerness torebuild his life with all the old smiling optimism reminded Susyof the patient industry of an ant remaking its ruined ant-heap.
"Tell you what, great thing, this liberty! Everything's changednowadays; why shouldn't marriage be too? A man can get out of abusiness partnership32 when he wants to; but the parsons want tokeep us noosed33 up to each other for life because we've blunderedinto a church one day and said 'Yes' before one of 'em. No,no--that's too easy. We've got beyond that. Science, and allthese new discoveries .... I say the Ten Commandments were madefor man, and not man for the Commandments; and there ain't aword against divorce in 'em, anyhow! That's what I tell my poorold mother, who builds everything on her Bible. Find me theplace where it says: 'Thou shalt not sue for divorce.' Itmakes her wild, poor old lady, because she can't; and shedoesn't know how they happen to have left it out.... I ratherthink Moses left it out because he knew more about human naturethan these snivelling modern parsons do. Not that they'llalways bear investigating either; but I don't care about that.
Live and let live, eh, Susy? Haven't we all got a right to ourAffinities? I hear you're following our example yourself.
First-rate idea: I don't mind telling you I saw it coming onlast summer at Venice. Caught you at it, so to speak! OldNelson ain't as blind as people think. Here, let's open anotherbottle to the health of Streff and Mrs. Streff!"She caught the hand with which he was signalling to thesommelier. This flushed and garrulous34 Nelson moved her morepoignantly than a more heroic figure. "No more champagne,please, Nelson. Besides," she suddenly added, "it's not true."He stared. "Not true that you're going to marry Altringham?""No.""By George then what on earth did you chuck Nick for? Ain't yougot an Affinity35, my dear?"She laughed and shook her head.
"Do you mean to tell me it's all Nick's doing, then?""I don't know. Let's talk of you instead, Nelson. I'm gladyou're in such good spirits. I rather thought--"He interrupted her quickly. "Thought I'd cut up a rumpus-dosome shooting? I know--people did." He twisted his moustache,evidently proud of his reputation. "Well, maybe I did see redfor a day or two--but I'm a philosopher, first and last. BeforeI went into banking36 I'd made and lost two fortunes out West.
Well, how did I build 'em up again? Not by shooting anybodyeven myself. By just buckling37 to, and beginning all over again.
That's how ... and that's what I am doing now. Beginning allover again. " His voice dropped from boastfulness to a noteof wistful melancholy38, the look of strained jauntiness39 fell fromhis face like a mask, and for an instant she saw the real man,old, ruined, lonely. Yes, that was it: he was lonely,desperately lonely, foundering40 in such deep seas of solitudethat any presence out of the past was like a spar to which heclung. Whatever he knew or guessed of the part she had playedin his disaster, it was not callousness41 that had made him greether with such forgiving warmth, but the same sense of smallness,insignificance and isolation42 which perpetually hung like a coldfog on her own horizon. Suddenly she too felt old--old andunspeakably tired.
"It's been nice seeing you, Nelson. But now I must be gettinghome."He offered no objection, but asked for the bill, resumed hisjaunty air while he scattered43 largesse44 among the waiters, andsauntered out behind her after calling for a taxi.
They drove off in silence. Susy was thinking: "And Clarissa?"but dared not ask. Vanderlyn lit a cigarette, hummed a dance-tune, and stared out of the window. Suddenly she felt his handon hers.
"Susy--do you ever see her?""See--Ellie?"He nodded, without turning toward her.
"Not often ... sometimes ....""If you do, for God's sake tell her I'm happy ... happy as aking ... tell her you could see for yourself that I was ...."His voice broke in a little gasp45. "I ... I'll be damned if ...
if she shall ever be unhappy about me ... if I can help it ...."The cigarette dropped from his fingers, and with a sob46 hecovered his face.
"Oh, poor Nelson--poor Nelson, " Susy breathed. While their cabrattled across the Place du Carrousel, and over the bridge, hecontinued to sit beside her with hidden face. At last he pulledout a scented48 handkerchief, rubbed his eyes with it, and gropedfor another cigarette.
"I'm all right! Tell her that, will you, Susy? There are someof our old times I don't suppose I shall ever forget; but theymake me feel kindly49 to her, and not angry. I didn't know itwould be so, beforehand--but it is .... And now the thing'ssettled I'm as right as a trivet, and you can tell her so ....
Look here, Susy ..." he caught her by the arm as the taxi drewup at her hotel .... "Tell her I understand, will you? I'drather like her to know that .... ""I'll tell her, Nelson," she promised; and climbed the stairsalone to her dreary50 room.
Susy's one fear was that Strefford, when he returned the nextday, should treat their talk of the previous evening as a fit of"nerves" to be jested away. He might, indeed, resent herbehaviour too deeply to seek to see her at once; but hiseasygoing modern attitude toward conduct and convictions madethat improbable. She had an idea that what he had most mindedwas her dropping so unceremoniously out of the Embassy Dinner.
But, after all, why should she see him again? She had hadenough of explanations during the last months to have learnedhow seldom they explain anything. If the other person did notunderstand at the first word, at the first glance even,subsequent elucidations served only to deepen the obscurity.
And she wanted above all--and especially since her hour withNelson Vanderlyn--to keep herself free, aloof51, to retain herhold on her precariously52 recovered self. She sat down and wroteto Strefford--and the letter was only a little less painful towrite than the one she had despatched to Nick. It was not thather own feelings were in any like measure engaged; but because,as the decision to give up Strefford affirmed itself, sheremembered only his kindness, his forbearance, his good humour,and all the other qualities she had always liked in him; andbecause she felt ashamed of the hesitations53 which must cause himso much pain and humiliation54. Yes: humiliation chiefly. Sheknew that what she had to say would hurt his pride, in whateverway she framed her renunciation; and her pen wavered, hating itstask. Then she remembered Vanderlyn's words about his wife:
"There are some of our old times I don't suppose I shall everforget--" and a phrase of Grace Fulmer's that she had but halfgrasped at the time: "You haven't been married long enough tounderstand how trifling55 such things seem in the balance of one'smemories."Here were two people who had penetrated56 farther than she intothe labyrinth57 of the wedded58 state, and struggled through some ofits thorniest59 passages; and yet both, one consciously, the otherhalf-unaware, testified to the mysterious fact which was alreadydawning on her: that the influence of a marriage begun inmutual understanding is too deep not to reassert itself even inthe moment of flight and denial.
"The real reason is that you're not Nick" was what she wouldhave said to Strefford if she had dared to set down the baretruth; and she knew that, whatever she wrote, he was too acutenot to read that into it.
"He'll think it's because I'm still in love with Nick ... andperhaps I am. But even if I were, the difference doesn't seemto lie there, after all, but deeper, in things we've shared thatseem to be meant to outlast60 love, or to change it into somethingdifferent." If she could have hoped to make Streffordunderstand that, the letter would have been easy enough towrite--but she knew just at what point his imagination wouldfail, in what obvious and superficial inferences it would rest"Poor Streff--poor me!" she thought as she sealed the letter.
After she had despatched it a sense of blankness descended61 onher. She had succeeded in driving from her mind all vainhesitations, doubts, returns upon herself: her healthy systemnaturally rejected them. But they left a queer emptiness inwhich her thoughts rattled47 about as thoughts might, shesupposed, in the first moments after death--before one got usedto it. To get used to being dead: that seemed to be herimmediate business. And she felt such a novice62 at it--felt sohorribly alive! How had those others learned to do withoutliving? Nelson--well, he was still in the throes; and probablynever would understand, or be able to communicate, the lessonwhen he had mastered it. But Grace Fulmer--she suddenlyremembered that Grace was in Paris, and set forth63 to find her.
收听单词发音 |
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hypocrisies
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| n.伪善，虚伪( hypocrisy的名词复数 ) | |
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facades
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| n.（房屋的）正面( facade的名词复数 )；假象，外观 | |
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awakening
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| n.觉醒，醒悟 adj.觉醒中的；唤醒的 | |
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doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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anonymous
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| adj.无名的；匿名的；无特色的 | |
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helping
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| n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的 | |
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enviously
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| adv.满怀嫉妒地 | |
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ratified
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| v.批准，签认（合约等）( ratify的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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fumes
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| n.(强烈而刺激的)气味，气体 | |
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bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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lull
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| v.使安静，使入睡，缓和，哄骗；n.暂停，间歇 | |
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lone
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| adj.孤寂的，单独的；唯一的 | |
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animate
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| v.赋于生命，鼓励；adj.有生命的，有生气的 | |
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abreast
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| adv.并排地；跟上(时代)的步伐，与…并进地 | |
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winding
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| n.绕，缠，绕组，线圈 | |
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tangle
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| n.纠缠；缠结；混乱；v.(使)缠绕；变乱 | |
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velvet
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| n.丝绒，天鹅绒；adj.丝绒制的，柔软的 | |
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confide
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| v.向某人吐露秘密 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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discreetly
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| ad.(言行)审慎地，慎重地 | |
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sprightlier
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| adj.生气勃勃的，活泼的( sprightly的比较级 ) | |
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rejuvenating
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| 使变得年轻，使恢复活力( rejuvenate的现在分词 ) | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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strands
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| n.（线、绳、金属线、毛发等的）股( strand的名词复数 )；缕；海洋、湖或河的)岸；（观点、计划、故事等的）部份v.使滞留，使搁浅( strand的第三人称单数 ) | |
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champagne
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| n.香槟酒；微黄色 | |
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bourgeois
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| adj./n.追求物质享受的(人)；中产阶级分子 | |
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benevolence
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| n.慈悲，捐助 | |
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hypocrisy
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| n.伪善，虚伪 | |
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truculent
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| adj.野蛮的，粗野的 | |
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anecdotes
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| n.掌故，趣闻，轶事( anecdote的名词复数 ) | |
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stature
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| n.（高度）水平，（高度）境界，身高，身材 | |
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partnership
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| n.合作关系，伙伴关系 | |
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noosed
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| v.绞索，套索( noose的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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garrulous
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| adj.唠叨的，多话的 | |
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affinity
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| n.亲和力，密切关系 | |
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banking
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| n.银行业，银行学，金融业 | |
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buckling
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| 扣住 | |
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melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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jauntiness
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| n.心满意足；洋洋得意；高兴；活泼 | |
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foundering
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| v.创始人( founder的现在分词 ) | |
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callousness
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isolation
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| n.隔离，孤立，分解，分离 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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largesse
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| n.慷慨援助，施舍 | |
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gasp
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| n.喘息，气喘；v.喘息；气吁吁他说 | |
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sob
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| n.空间轨道的轰炸机；呜咽，哭泣 | |
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rattled
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| 慌乱的，恼火的 | |
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scented
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| adj.有香味的；洒香水的；有气味的v.嗅到(scent的过去分词) | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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dreary
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| adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的 | |
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aloof
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| adj.远离的；冷淡的，漠不关心的 | |
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precariously
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| adv.不安全地；危险地；碰机会地；不稳定地 | |
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53
hesitations
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| n.犹豫( hesitation的名词复数 )；踌躇；犹豫（之事或行为）；口吃 | |
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humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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penetrated
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| adj. 击穿的，鞭辟入里的 动词penetrate的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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labyrinth
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| n.迷宫；难解的事物；迷路 | |
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wedded
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| adj.正式结婚的；渴望…的，执著于…的v.嫁，娶，（与…）结婚( wed的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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thorniest
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| adj.多刺的( thorny的最高级 )；有刺的；棘手的；多障碍的 | |
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outlast
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| v.较…耐久 | |
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descended
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| a.为...后裔的，出身于...的 | |
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novice
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| adj.新手的，生手的 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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