“It’s a good thing that Saint Valentine’s Day has dropped out of vogue,” said Mrs. Thackenbury; “what with Christmas and New Year and Easter, not to speak of birthdays, there are quite enough remembrance days as it is. I tried to save myself trouble at Christmas by just sending flowers to all my friends, but it wouldn’t work; Gertrude has eleven hot-houses and about thirty gardeners, so it would have been ridiculous to send flowers to her, and Milly has just started a florist’s shop, so it was equally out of the question there. The stress of having to decide in a hurry what to give to Gertrude and Milly just when I thought I’d got the whole question nicely off my mind completely ruined my Christmas, and then the awful monotony of the letters of thanks: ‘Thank you so much for your lovely flowers. It was so good of you to think of me.’ Of course in the majority of cases I hadn’t thought about the recipients1 at all; their names were down in my list of ‘people who must not be left out.’ If I trusted to remembering them there would be some awful sins of omission2.”
“The trouble is,” said Clovis to his aunt, “all these days of intrusive3 remembrance harp4 so persistently5 on one aspect of human nature and entirely6 ignore the other; that is why they become so perfunctory and artificial. At Christmas and New Year you are emboldened7 and encouraged by convention to send gushing8 messages of optimistic goodwill9 and servile affection to people whom you would scarcely ask to lunch unless some one else had failed you at the last moment; if you are supping at a restaurant on New Year’s Eve you are permitted and expected to join hands and sing ‘For Auld10 Lang Syne’ with strangers whom you have never seen before and never want to see again. But no licence is allowed in the opposite direction.”
“Opposite direction; what opposite direction?” queried11 Mrs. Thackenbury.
“There is no outlet12 for demonstrating your feelings towards people whom you simply loathe13. That is really the crying need of our modern civilisation14. Just think how jolly it would be if a recognised day were set apart for the paying off of old scores and grudges15, a day when one could lay oneself out to be gracefully16 vindictive17 to a carefully treasured list of ‘people who must not be let off.’ I remember when I was at a private school we had one day, the last Monday of the term I think it was, consecrated18 to the settlement of feuds19 and grudges; of course we did not appreciate it as much as it deserved, because, after all, any day of the term could be used for that purpose. Still, if one had chastised20 a smaller boy for being cheeky weeks before, one was always permitted on that day to recall the episode to his memory by chastising21 him again. That is what the French call reconstructing the crime.”
“I should call it reconstructing the punishment,” said Mrs. Thackenbury; “and, anyhow, I don’t see how you could introduce a system of primitive22 schoolboy vengeance23 into civilised adult life. We haven’t outgrown24 our passions, but we are supposed to have learned how to keep them within strictly25 decorous limits.”
“Of course the thing would have to be done furtively26 and politely,” said Clovis; “the charm of it would be that it would never be perfunctory like the other thing. Now, for instance, you say to yourself: ‘I must show the Webleys some attention at Christmas, they were kind to dear Bertie at Bournemouth,’ and you send them a calendar, and daily for six days after Christmas the male Webley asks the female Webley if she has remembered to thank you for the calendar you sent them. Well, transplant that idea to the other and more human side of your nature, and say to yourself: ‘Next Thursday is Nemesis27 Day; what on earth can I do to those odious28 people next door who made such an absurd fuss when Ping Yang bit their youngest child?’ Then you’d get up awfully29 early on the allotted30 day and climb over into their garden and dig for truffles on their tennis court with a good gardening fork, choosing, of course, that part of the court that was screened from observation by the laurel bushes. You wouldn’t find any truffles but you would find a great peace, such as no amount of present-giving could ever bestow31.”
“I shouldn’t,” said Mrs. Thackenbury, though her air of protest sounded a bit forced; “I should feel rather a worm for doing such a thing.”
“You exaggerate the power of upheaval32 which a worm would be able to bring into play in the limited time available,” said Clovis; “if you put in a strenuous33 ten minutes with a really useful fork, the result ought to suggest the operations of an unusually masterful mole34 or a badger35 in a hurry.”
“They might guess I had done it,” said Mrs. Thackenbury.
“Of course they would,” said Clovis; “that would be half the satisfaction of the thing, just as you like people at Christmas to know what presents or cards you’ve sent them. The thing would be much easier to manage, of course, when you were on outwardly friendly terms with the object of your dislike. That greedy little Agnes Blaik, for instance, who thinks of nothing but her food, it would be quite simple to ask her to a picnic in some wild woodland spot and lose her just before lunch was served; when you found her again every morsel36 of food could have been eaten up.”
“It would require no ordinary human strategy to lose Agnes Blaik when luncheon37 was imminent38: in fact, I don’t believe it could be done.”
“Then have all the other guests, people whom you dislike, and lose the luncheon. It could have been sent by accident in the wrong direction.”
“It would be a ghastly picnic,” said Mrs. Thackenbury.
“For them, but not for you,” said Clovis; “you would have had an early and comforting lunch before you started, and you could improve the occasion by mentioning in detail the items of the missing banquet — the lobster39 Newburg and the egg mayonnaise, and the curry40 that was to have been heated in a chafing-dish. Agnes Blaik would be delirious41 long before you got to the list of wines, and in the long interval42 of waiting, before they had quite abandoned hope of the lunch turning up, you could induce them to play silly games, such as that idiotic43 one of ‘the Lord Mayor’s dinner-party,’ in which every one has to choose the name of a dish and do something futile44 when it is called out. In this case they would probably burst into tears when their dish is mentioned. It would be a heavenly picnic.”
Mrs. Thackenbury was silent for a moment; she was probably making a mental list of the people she would like to invite to the Duke Humphrey picnic. Presently she asked: “And that odious young man, Waldo Plubley, who is always coddling himself — have you thought of anything that one could do to him?” Evidently she was beginning to see the possibilities of Nemesis Day.
“If there was anything like a general observance of the festival,” said Clovis, “Waldo would be in such demand that you would have to bespeak45 him weeks beforehand, and even then, if there were an east wind blowing or a cloud or two in the sky he might be too careful of his precious self to come out. It would be rather jolly if you could lure46 him into a hammock in the orchard47, just near the spot where there is a wasps48’ nest every summer. A comfortable hammock on a warm afternoon would appeal to his indolent tastes, and then, when he was getting drowsy49, a lighted fusee thrown into the nest would bring the wasps out in an indignant mass, and they would soon find a ‘home away from home’ on Waldo’s fat body. It takes some doing to get out of a hammock in a hurry.”
“They might sting him to death,” protested Mrs. Thackenbury.
“Waldo is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death,” said Clovis; “but if you didn’t want to go as far as that, you could have some wet straw ready to hand, and set it alight under the hammock at the same time that the fusee was thrown into the nest; the smoke would keep all but the most militant50 of the wasps just outside the stinging line, and as long as Waldo remained within its protection he would escape serious damage, and could be eventually restored to his mother, kippered all over and swollen51 in places, but still perfectly52 recognisable.”
“His mother would be my enemy for life,” said Mrs. Thackenbury.
“That would be one greeting less to exchange at Christmas,” said Clovis.
收听单词发音 |
1
recipients
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| adj.接受的；受领的；容纳的；愿意接受的n.收件人；接受者；受领者；接受器 | |
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omission
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| n.省略，删节；遗漏或省略的事物，冗长 | |
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intrusive
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| adj.打搅的；侵扰的 | |
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harp
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| n.竖琴；天琴座 | |
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persistently
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| ad.坚持地；固执地 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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emboldened
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| v.鼓励，使有胆量( embolden的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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gushing
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| adj.迸出的；涌出的；喷出的；过分热情的v.喷，涌( gush的现在分词 )；滔滔不绝地说话 | |
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goodwill
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| n.善意，亲善，信誉，声誉 | |
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auld
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| adj.老的，旧的 | |
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queried
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| v.质疑，对…表示疑问( query的过去式和过去分词 )；询问 | |
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outlet
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| n.出口/路；销路；批发商店；通风口；发泄 | |
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loathe
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| v.厌恶，嫌恶 | |
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civilisation
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| n.文明，文化，开化，教化 | |
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grudges
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| 不满，怨恨，妒忌( grudge的名词复数 ) | |
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gracefully
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| ad.大大方方地；优美地 | |
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vindictive
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| adj.有报仇心的，怀恨的，惩罚的 | |
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consecrated
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| adj.神圣的，被视为神圣的v.把…奉为神圣，给…祝圣( consecrate的过去式和过去分词 )；奉献 | |
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feuds
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| n.长期不和，世仇( feud的名词复数 ) | |
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chastised
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| v.严惩（某人）（尤指责打）( chastise的过去式 ) | |
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chastising
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| v.严惩（某人）（尤指责打）( chastise的现在分词 ) | |
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primitive
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| adj.原始的；简单的；n.原(始)人，原始事物 | |
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vengeance
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| n.报复，报仇，复仇 | |
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outgrown
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| 长[发展] 得超过（某物）的范围( outgrow的过去分词 )； 长[发展]得不能再要（某物）； 长得比…快； 生长速度超过 | |
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strictly
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| adv.严厉地，严格地；严密地 | |
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furtively
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| adv. 偷偷地, 暗中地 | |
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nemesis
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| n.给以报应者，复仇者，难以对付的敌手 | |
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odious
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| adj.可憎的，讨厌的 | |
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awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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allotted
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| 分配，拨给，摊派( allot的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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bestow
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| v.把…赠与，把…授予；花费 | |
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upheaval
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| n.胀起，(地壳)的隆起；剧变，动乱 | |
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strenuous
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| adj.奋发的，使劲的；紧张的；热烈的，狂热的 | |
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mole
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| n.胎块；痣；克分子 | |
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badger
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| v.一再烦扰，一再要求，纠缠 | |
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morsel
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| n.一口，一点点 | |
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luncheon
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| n.午宴，午餐，便宴 | |
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imminent
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| adj.即将发生的，临近的，逼近的 | |
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lobster
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| n.龙虾，龙虾肉 | |
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40
curry
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| n.咖哩粉，咖哩饭菜；v.用咖哩粉调味，用马栉梳，制革 | |
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delirious
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| adj.不省人事的，神智昏迷的 | |
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interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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idiotic
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| adj.白痴的 | |
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futile
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| adj.无效的，无用的，无希望的 | |
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bespeak
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| v.预定；预先请求 | |
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lure
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| n.吸引人的东西，诱惑物；vt.引诱，吸引 | |
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orchard
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| n.果园，果园里的全部果树，(美俚)棒球场 | |
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48
wasps
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| 黄蜂( wasp的名词复数 )； 胡蜂； 易动怒的人； 刻毒的人 | |
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49
drowsy
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| adj.昏昏欲睡的，令人发困的 | |
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50
militant
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| adj.激进的，好斗的；n.激进分子，斗士 | |
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51
swollen
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| adj.肿大的，水涨的；v.使变大，肿胀 | |
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52
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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