“I was leading a wild life then. Father said just now that I spent several thousand roubles in seducing1 young girls. That’s a swinish invention, and there was nothing of the sort. And if there was, I didn’t need money simply for that. With me money is an accessory, the overflow2 of my heart, the framework. To-day she would be my lady, to-morrow a wench out of the streets in her place. I entertained them both. I threw away money by the handful on music, rioting, and Gypsies. Sometimes I gave it to the ladies, too, for they’ll take it greedily, that must be admitted, and be pleased and thankful for it. Ladies used to be fond of me: not all of them, but it happened, it happened. But I always liked side-paths, little dark back-alleys behind the main road — there one finds adventures and surprises, and precious metal in the dirt. I am speaking figuratively, brother. In the town I was in, there were no such back-alleys in the literal sense, but morally there were. If you were like me, you’d know what that means. I loved vice3, I loved the ignominy of vice. I loved cruelty; am I not a bug4, am I not a noxious5 insect? In fact a Karamazov! Once we went, a whole lot of us, for a picnic, in seven sledges6. It was dark, it was winter, and I began squeezing a girl’s hand, and forced her to kiss me. She was the daughter of an official, a sweet, gentle, submissive creature. She allowed me, she allowed me much in the dark. She thought, poor thing, that I should come next day to make her an offer (I was looked upon as a good match, too). But I didn’t say a word to her for five months. I used to see her in a corner at dances (we were always having dances), her eyes watching me. I saw how they glowed with fire — a fire of gentle indignation. This game only tickled7 that insect lust8 I cherished in my soul. Five months later she married an official and left the town, still angry, and still, perhaps, in love with me. Now they live happily. Observe that I told no one. I didn’t boast of it. Though I’m full of low desires, and love what’s low, I’m not dishonourable. You’re blushing; your eyes flashed. Enough of this filth9 with you. And all this was nothing much — wayside blossoms a la Paul de Kock — though the cruel insect had already grown strong in my soul. I’ve a perfect album of reminiscences, brother. God bless them, the darlings. I tried to break it off without quarrelling. And I never gave them away, I never bragged10 of one of them. But that’s enough. You can’t suppose I brought you here simply to talk of such nonsense. No, I’m going to tell you something more curious; and don’t be surprised that I’m glad to tell you, instead of being ashamed.”
“You say that because I blushed,” Alyosha said suddenly. “I wasn’t blushing at what you were saying or at what you’ve done. I blushed because I am the same as you are.”
“You? Come, that’s going a little too far!”
“No, it’s not too far,” said Alyosha warmly (obviously the idea was not a new one). “The ladder’s the same. I’m at the bottom step, and you’re above, somewhere about the thirteenth. That’s how I see it. But it’s all the same. Absolutely the same in kind. Anyone on the bottom step is bound to go up to the top one.”
“Then one ought not to step on at all.”
“Anyone who can help it had better not.”
“But can you?”
“I think not.”
“Hush11, Alyosha, hush, darling! I could kiss your hand, you touch me so. That rogue12 Grushenka has an eye for men. She told me once that she’d devour13 you one day. There, there, I won’t! From this field of corruption14 fouled15 by flies, let’s pass to my tragedy, also befouled by flies, that is, by every sort of vileness16. Although the old man told lies about my seducing innocence17, there really was something of the sort in my tragedy, though it was only once, and then it did not come off. The old man who has reproached me with what never happened does not even know of this fact; I never told anyone about it. You’re the first, except Ivan, of course — Ivan knows everything. He knew about it long before you. But Ivan’s a tomb.”
“Ivan’s a tomb?”
Alyosha listened with great attention.
“I was lieutenant18 in a line regiment19, but still I was under supervision20, like a kind of convict. Yet I was awfully21 well received in the little town. I spent money right and left. I was thought to be rich; I thought so myself. But I must have pleased them in other ways as well. Although they shook their heads over me, they liked me. My colonel, who was an old man, took a sudden dislike to me. He was always down upon me, but I had powerful friends, and, moreover, all the town was on my side, so he couldn’t do me much harm. I was in fault myself for refusing to treat him with proper respect. I was proud. This obstinate22 old fellow, who was really a very good sort, kind-hearted and hospitable23, had had two wives, both dead. His first wife, who was of a humble24 family, left a daughter as unpretentious as herself. She was a young woman of four and twenty when I was there, and was living with her father and an aunt, her mother’s sister. The aunt was simple and illiterate25; the niece was simple but lively. I like to say nice things about people. I never knew a woman of more charming character than Agafya — fancy, her name was Agafya Ivanovna! And she wasn’t bad-looking either, in the Russian style: tall, stout26, with a full figure, and beautiful eyes, though a rather coarse face. She had not married, although she had had two suitors. She refused them, but was as cheerful as ever. I was intimate with her, not in ‘that’ way, it was pure friendship. I have often been friendly with women quite innocently. I used to talk to her with shocking frankness, and she only laughed. Many woman like such freedom, and she was a girl too, which made it very amusing. Another thing, one could never think of her as a young lady. She and her aunt lived in her father’s house with a sort of voluntary humility27, not putting themselves on an equality with other people. She was a general favourite, and of use of everyone, for she was a clever dressmaker. She had a talent for it. She gave her services freely without asking for payment, but if anyone offered her payment, she didn’t refuse. The colonel, of course, was a very different matter. He was one of the chief personages in the district. He kept open house, entertained the whole town, gave suppers and dances. At the time I arrived and joined the battalion28, all the town was talking of the expected return of the colonel’s second daughter, a great beauty, who had just left a fashionable school in the capital. This second daughter is Katerina Ivanovna, and she was the child of the second wife, who belonged to a distinguished29 general’s family; although, as I learnt on good authority, she too brought the colonel no money. She had connections, and that was all. There may have been expectations, but they had come to nothing.
“Yet, when the young lady came from boarding-school on a visit, the whole town revived. Our most distinguished ladies — two ‘Excellencies’ and a colonel’s wife — and all the rest following their lead, at once took her up and gave entertainments in her honour. She was the belle30 of the balls and picnics, and they got up tableaux31 vivants in aid of distressed32 governesses. I took no notice, I went on as wildly as before, and one of my exploits at the time set all the town talking. I saw her eyes taking my measure one evening at the battery commander’s, but I didn’t go up to her, as though I disdained33 her acquaintance. I did go up and speak to her at an evening party not long after. She scarcely looked at me, and compressed her lips scornfully. ‘Wait a bit. I’ll have my revenge,’ thought I. I behaved like an awful fool on many occasions at that time, and I was conscious of it myself. What made it worse was that I felt that ‘Katenka’ was not an innocent boarding-school miss, but a person of character, proud and really high-principled; above all, she had education and intellect, and I had neither. You think I meant to make her an offer? No, I simply wanted to revenge myself, because I was such a hero and she didn’t seem to feel it.
“Meanwhile, I spent my time in drink and riot, till the lieutenant-colonel put me under arrest for three days. Just at that time father sent me six thousand roubles in return for my sending him a deed giving up all claims upon him — settling our accounts, so to speak, and saying that I wouldn’t expect anything more. I didn’t understand a word of it at the time. Until I came here, Alyosha, till the last few days, indeed, perhaps even now, I haven’t been able to make head or tail of my money affairs with father. But never mind that, we’ll talk of it later.
“Just as I received the money, I got a letter from a friend telling me something that interested me immensely. The authorities, I learnt, were dissatisfied with our lieutenant-colonel. He was suspected of irregularities; in fact, his enemies were preparing a surprise for him. And then the commander of the division arrived, and kicked up the devil of a shindy. Shortly afterwards he was ordered to retire. I won’t tell you how it all happened. He had enemies certainly. Suddenly there was a marked coolness in the town towards him and all his family. His friends all turned their backs on him. Then I took my first step. I met Agafya Ivanovna, with whom I’d always kept up a friendship, and said, ‘Do you know there’s a deficit34 of 4500 roubles of government money in your father’s accounts?’
“‘What do you mean? What makes you say so? The general was here not long ago, and everything was all right.’
“‘Then it was, but now it isn’t.’
“She was terribly scared.
“‘Don’t frighten me!’ she said. ‘Who told you so?’
“‘Don’t be uneasy,’ I said, ‘I won’t tell anyone. You know I’m as silent as the tomb. I only wanted, in view of “possibilities,” to add, that when they demand that 4500 roubles from your father, and he can’t produce it, he’ll be tried, and made to serve as a common soldier in his old age, unless you like to send me your young lady secretly. I’ve just had money paid me. I’ll give her four thousand, if you like, and keep the secret religiously.’
“‘Ah, you scoundrel!’ — that’s what she said. ‘You wicked scoundrel! How dare you!’
“She went away furiously indignant, while I shouted after her once more that the secret should be kept sacred. Those two simple creatures, Agafya and her aunt, I may as well say at once, behaved like perfect angels all through this business. They genuinely adored their ‘Katya,’ thought her far above them, and waited on her, hand and foot. But Agafya told her of our conversation. I found that out afterwards. She didn’t keep it back, and of course that was all I wanted.
“Suddenly the new major arrived to take command of the battalion. The old lieutenant-colonel was taken ill at once, couldn’t leave his room for two days, and didn’t hand over the government money. Dr. Kravchenko declared that he really was ill. But I knew for a fact, and had known for a long time, that for the last four years the money had never been in his hands except when the Commander made his visits of inspection35. He used to lend it to a trustworthy person, a merchant of our town called Trifonov, an old widower36, with a big beard and gold-rimmed spectacles. He used to go to the fair, do a profitable business with the money, and return the whole sum to the colonel, bringing with it a present from the fair, as well as interest on the loan. But this time (I heard all about it quite by chance from Trifonov’s son and heir, a drivelling youth and one of the most vicious in the world) — this time, I say, Trifonov brought nothing back from the fair. The lieutenant-colonel flew to him. ‘I’ve never received any money from you, and couldn’t possibly have received any.’ That was all the answer he got. So now our lieutenant-colonel is confined to the house, with a towel round his head, while they’re all three busy putting ice on it. All at once an orderly arrives on the scene with the book and the order to ‘hand over the battalion money immediately, within two hours.’ He signed the book (I saw the signature in the book afterwards), stood up, saying he would put on his uniform, ran to his bedroom, loaded his double-barrelled gun with a service bullet, took the boot off his right foot, fixed37 the gun against his chest, and began feeling for the trigger with his foot. But Agafya, remembering what I had told her, had her suspicions. She stole up and peeped into the room just in time. She rushed in, flung herself upon him from behind, threw her arms round him, and the gun went off, hit the ceiling, but hurt no one. The others ran in, took away the gun, and held him by the arms. I heard all about this afterwards. I was at home, it was getting dusk, and I was just preparing to go out. I had dressed, brushed my hair, scented38 my handkerchief, and taken up my cap, when suddenly the door opened, and facing me in the room stood Katerina Ivanovna.
“It’s strange how things happen sometimes. No one had seen her in the street, so that no one knew of it in the town. I lodged39 with two decrepit40 old ladies, who looked after me. They were most obliging old things, ready to do anything for me, and at my request were as silent afterwards as two cast-iron posts. Of course I grasped the position at once. She walked in and looked straight at me, her dark eyes determined41, even defiant42, but on her lips and round mouth I saw uncertainty43.
“‘My sister told me,’ she began, ‘that you would give me 4500 roubles if I came to you for it — myself. I have come . . . give me the money!’
“She couldn’t keep it up. She was breathless, frightened, her voice failed her, and the corners of her mouth and the lines round it quivered. Alyosha, are you listening, or are you asleep?”
“Mitya, I know you will tell the whole truth, said Alyosha in agitation44.
“I am telling it. If I tell the whole truth just as it happened I shan’t spare myself. My first idea was a — Karamazov one. Once I was bitten by a centipede, brother, and laid up a fortnight with fever from it. Well, I felt a centipede biting at my heart then — a noxious insect, you understand? I looked her up and down. You’ve seen her? She’s a beauty. But she was beautiful in another way then. At that moment she was beautiful because she was noble, and I was a scoundrel; she in all the grandeur45 of her generosity46 and sacrifice for her father, and I— a bug! And, scoundrel as I was, she was altogether at my mercy, body and soul. She was hemmed47 in. I tell you frankly48, that thought, that venomous thought, so possessed49 my heart that it almost swooned with suspense50. It seemed as if there could be no resisting it; as though I should act like a bug, like a venomous spider, without a spark of pity. I could scarcely breathe. Understand, I should have gone next day to ask for her hand, so that it might end honourably51, so to speak, and that nobody would or could know. For though I’m a man of base desires, I’m honest. And at that very second some voice seemed to whisper in my ear, ‘But when you come to-morrow to make your proposal, that girl won’t even see you; she’ll order her coachman to kick you out of the yard. “Publish it through all the town,” she would say, “I’m not afraid of you.” ‘I looked at the young lady, my voice had not deceived me. That is how it would be, not a doubt of it. I could see from her face now that I should be turned out of the house. My spite was roused. I longed to play her the nastiest swinish cad’s trick: to look at her with a sneer52, and on the spot where she stood before me to stun53 her with a tone of voice that only a shopman could use.
“‘Four thousand! What do you mean? I was joking. You’ve been counting your chickens too easily, madam. Two hundred, if you like, with all my heart. But four thousand is not a sum to throw away on such frivolity54. You’ve put yourself out to no purpose.’
“I should have lost the game, of course. She’d have run away. But it would have been an infernal revenge. It would have been worth it all. I’d have howled with regret all the rest of my life, only to have played that trick. Would you believe it, it has never happened to me with any other woman, not one, to look at her at such a moment with hatred55. But, on my oath, I looked at her for three seconds, or five perhaps, with fearful hatred — that hate which is only a hair’s-breadth from love, from the maddest love!
“I went to the window, put my forehead against the frozen pane56, and I remember the ice burnt my forehead like fire. I did not keep her long, don’t be afraid. I turned round, went up to the table, opened the drawer and took out a banknote for five thousand roubles (it was lying in a French dictionary). Then I showed it her in silence, folded it, handed it to her, opened the door into the passage, and, stepping back, made her a deep bow. a most respectful, a most impressive bow, believe me! She shuddered57 all over, gazed at me for a second, turned horribly pale-white as a sheet, in fact — and all at once, not impetuously but softly, gently, bowed down to my feet — not a boarding-school curtsey, but a Russian bow, with her forehead to the floor. She jumped up and ran away. I was wearing my sword. I drew it and nearly stabbed myself with it on the spot; why, I don’t know. It would have been frightfully stupid, of course. I suppose it was from delight. Can you understand that one might kill oneself from delight? But I didn’t stab myself. I only kissed my sword and put it back in the scabbard — which there was no need to have told you, by the way. And I fancy that in telling you about my inner conflict I have laid it on rather thick to glorify58 myself. But let it pass, and to hell with all who pry59 into the human heart! Well, so much for that ‘adventure’ with Katerina Ivanovna. So now Ivan knows of it, and you — no one else.”
Dmitri got up, took a step or two in his excitement, pulled out his handkerchief and mopped his forehead, then sat down again, not in the same place as before, but on the opposite side, so that Alyosha had to turn quite round to face him.
收听单词发音 |
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seducing
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| 诱奸( seduce的现在分词 )； 勾引； 诱使堕落； 使入迷 | |
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overflow
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| v.(使)外溢，(使)溢出；溢出，流出，漫出 | |
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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bug
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| n.虫子；故障；窃听器；vt.纠缠；装窃听器 | |
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noxious
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| adj.有害的，有毒的；使道德败坏的，讨厌的 | |
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sledges
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| n.雪橇，雪车( sledge的名词复数 )v.乘雪橇( sledge的第三人称单数 )；用雪橇运载 | |
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tickled
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| （使）发痒( tickle的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）愉快，逗乐 | |
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lust
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| n.性(淫)欲；渴(欲)望；vi.对…有强烈的欲望 | |
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filth
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| n.肮脏，污物，污秽；淫猥 | |
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bragged
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| v.自夸，吹嘘( brag的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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hush
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| int.嘘，别出声；n.沉默，静寂；v.使安静 | |
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rogue
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| n.流氓；v.游手好闲 | |
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devour
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| v.吞没；贪婪地注视或谛听，贪读；使着迷 | |
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corruption
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| n.腐败，堕落，贪污 | |
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fouled
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| v.使污秽( foul的过去式和过去分词 )；弄脏；击球出界；（通常用废物）弄脏 | |
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vileness
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| n.讨厌，卑劣 | |
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innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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lieutenant
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| n.陆军中尉，海军上尉；代理官员，副职官员 | |
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regiment
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| n.团，多数，管理；v.组织，编成团，统制 | |
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supervision
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| n.监督，管理 | |
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awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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obstinate
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| adj.顽固的，倔强的，不易屈服的，较难治愈的 | |
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hospitable
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| adj.好客的；宽容的；有利的，适宜的 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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illiterate
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| adj.文盲的；无知的；n.文盲 | |
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humility
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| n.谦逊，谦恭 | |
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battalion
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| n.营；部队；大队(的人) | |
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distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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belle
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| n.靓女 | |
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tableaux
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| n.舞台造型，（由活人扮演的）静态画面、场面；人构成的画面或场景( tableau的名词复数 )；舞台造型；戏剧性的场面；绚丽的场景 | |
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distressed
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| 痛苦的 | |
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disdained
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| 鄙视( disdain的过去式和过去分词 )； 不屑于做，不愿意做 | |
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deficit
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| n.亏空，亏损；赤字，逆差 | |
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inspection
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| n.检查，审查，检阅 | |
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widower
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| n.鳏夫 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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scented
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| adj.有香味的；洒香水的；有气味的v.嗅到(scent的过去分词) | |
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lodged
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| v.存放( lodge的过去式和过去分词 )；暂住；埋入；（权利、权威等）归属 | |
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decrepit
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| adj.衰老的，破旧的 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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defiant
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| adj.无礼的，挑战的 | |
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uncertainty
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| n.易变，靠不住，不确知，不确定的事物 | |
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agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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grandeur
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| n.伟大，崇高，宏伟，庄严，豪华 | |
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generosity
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| n.大度，慷慨，慷慨的行为 | |
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hemmed
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| 缝…的褶边( hem的过去式和过去分词 )； 包围 | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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suspense
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| n.（对可能发生的事）紧张感，担心，挂虑 | |
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honourably
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| adv.可尊敬地，光荣地，体面地 | |
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52
sneer
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| v.轻蔑；嘲笑；n.嘲笑，讥讽的言语 | |
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stun
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| vt.打昏，使昏迷，使震惊，使惊叹 | |
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54
frivolity
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| n.轻松的乐事，兴高采烈；轻浮的举止 | |
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hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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pane
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| n.窗格玻璃，长方块 | |
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57
shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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58
glorify
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| vt.颂扬，赞美，使增光，美化 | |
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59
pry
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| vi.窥(刺)探，打听；vt.撬动(开，起) | |
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