IT was not much more than three-quarters of a mile from the town to the monastery1. Alyosha walked quickly along the road, at that hour deserted2. It was almost night, and too dark to see anything clearly at thirty paces ahead. There were cross-roads half-way. A figure came into sight under a solitary3 willow4 at the cross-roads. As soon as Alyosha reached the cross-roads the figure moved out and rushed at him, shouting savagely6:
“Your money or your life!”
“So it’s you, Mitya,” cried Alyosha, in surprise, violently startled however.
“Ha ha ha! You didn’t expect me? I wondered where to wait for you. By her house? There are three ways from it, and I might have missed you. At last I thought of waiting here, for you had to pass here, there’s no other way to the monastery. Come, tell me the truth. Crush me like a beetle7. But what’s the matter?”
“Nothing, brother — it’s the fright you gave me. Oh, Dmitri! Father’s blood just now.” (Alyosha began to cry, he had been on the verge8 of tears for a long time, and now something seemed to snap in his soul.) “You almost killed him — cursed him — and now — here — you’re making jokes — ‘Your money or your life!’”
“Well, what of that? It’s not seemly — is that it? Not suitable in my position?”
“No — I only-”
“Stay. Look at the night. You see what a dark night, what clouds, what a wind has risen. I hid here under the willow waiting for you. And as God’s above, I suddenly thought, why go on in misery9 any longer, what is there to wait for? Here I have a willow, a handkerchief, a shirt, I can twist them into a rope in a minute, and braces10 besides, and why go on burdening the earth, dishonouring11 it with my vile13 presence? And then I heard you coming — Heavens, it was as though something flew down to me suddenly. So there is a man, then, whom I love. Here he is, that man, my dear little brother, whom I love more than anyone in the world, the only one I love in the world. And I loved you so much, so much at that moment that I thought, ‘I’ll fall on his neck at once.’ Then a stupid idea struck me, to have a joke with you and scare you. I shouted, like a fool, ‘Your money!’ Forgive my foolery — it was only nonsense, and there’s nothing unseemly in my soul. . . . Damn it all, tell me what’s happened. What did she say? Strike me, crush me, don’t spare me! Was she furious?”
“No, not that. . . . There was nothing like that, Mitya. There — I found them both there.”
“Both? Whom?”
“Grushenka at Katerina Ivanovna’s.”
Dmitri was struck dumb.
“Impossible!” he cried. “You’re raving14! Grushenka with her?”
Alyosha described all that had happened from the moment he went in to Katerina Ivanovna’s. He was ten minutes telling his story. can’t be said to have told it fluently and consecutively15, but he seemed to make it clear, not omitting any word or action of significance, and vividly16 describing, often in one word, his own sensations. Dmitri listened in silence, gazing at him with a terrible fixed17 stare, but it was clear to Alyosha that he understood it all, and had grasped every point. But as the story went on, his face became not merely gloomy, but menacing. He scowled18, he clenched19 his teeth, and his fixed stare became still more rigid20, more concentrated, more terrible, when suddenly, with incredible rapidity, his wrathful, savage5 face changed, his tightly compressed lips parted, and Dmitri Fyodorovitch broke into uncontrolled, spontaneous laughter. He literally21 shook with laughter. For a long time he could not speak.
“So she wouldn’t kiss her hand! So she didn’t kiss it; so she ran away!” he kept exclaiming with hysterical22 delight; insolent23 delight it might had been called, if it had not been so spontaneous. “So the other one called her tigress! And a tigress she is! So she ought to be flogged on a scaffold? Yes, yes, so she ought. That’s just what I think; she ought to have been long ago. It’s like this, brother, let her be punished, but I must get better first. I understand the queen of impudence24. That’s her all over! You saw her all over in that hand-kissing, the she-devil! She’s magnificent in her own line! So she ran home? I’ll go — ah — I’ll run to her! Alyosha, don’t blame me, I agree that hanging is too good for her.”
“But Katerina Ivanovna!” exclaimed Alyosha sorrowfully.
“I see her, too! I see right through her, as I’ve never done before! It’s a regular discovery of the four continents of the world, that is, of the five! What a thing to do! That’s just like Katya, who was not afraid to face a coarse, unmannerly officer and risk a deadly insult on a generous impulse to save her father! But the pride, the recklessness, the defiance25 of fate, the unbounded defiance! You say that aunt tried to stop her? That aunt, you know, is overbearing, herself. She’s the sister of the general’s widow in Moscow, and even more stuck-up than she. But her husband was caught stealing government money. He lost everything, his estate and all, and the proud wife had to lower her colours, and hasn’t raised them since. So she tried to prevent Katya, but she wouldn’t listen to her! She thinks she can overcome everything, that everything will give way to her. She thought she could bewitch Grushenka if she liked, and she believed it herself: she plays a part to herself, and whose fault is it? Do you think she kissed Grushenka’s hand first, on purpose, with a motive26? No, she really was fascinated by Grushenka, that’s to say, not by Grushenka, but by her own dream, her own delusion27 — because it was her dream, her delusion! Alyosha, darling, how did you escape from them, those women? Did you pick up your cassock and run? Ha ha ha!”
“Brother, you don’t seem to have noticed how you’ve insulted Katerina Ivanovna by telling Grushenka about that day. And she flung it in her face just now that she had gone to gentlemen in secret to sell her beauty! Brother, what could be worse than that insult?”
What worried Alyosha more than anything was that, incredible as it seemed, his brother appeared pleased at Katerina Ivanovna’s humiliation28.
“Bah!” Dmitri frowned fiercely, and struck his forehead with his hand. He only now realised it, though Alyosha had just told him of the insult, and Katerina Ivanovna’s cry: “Your brother is a scoundrel”
“Yes, perhaps, I really did tell Grushenka about that ‘fatal day,’ as Katya calls it. Yes, I did tell her, I remember! It was that time at Mokroe. I was drunk, the Gypsies were singing . . . But I was sobbing29. I was sobbing then, kneeling and praying to Katya’s image, and Grushenka understood it. She understood it all then. I remember, she cried herself. . . . Damn it all! But it’s bound to be so now. . . . Then she cried, but now ‘the dagger30 in the heart’! That’s how women are.”
He looked down and sank into thought.
“Yes, I am a scoundrel, a thorough scoundrel” he said suddenly, in a gloomy voice. “It doesn’t matter whether I cried or not, I’m a scoundrel! Tell her I accept the name, if that’s any comfort. Come, that’s enough. Good-bye. It’s no use talking! It’s not amusing. You go your way and I mine. And I don’t want to see you again except as a last resource. Good-bye, Alexey!”
He warmly pressed Alyosha’s hand, and still looking down, without raising his head, as though tearing himself away, turned rapidly towards the town.
Alyosha looked after him, unable to believe he would go away so abruptly31.
“Stay, Alexey, one more confession32 to you alone” cried Dmitri, suddenly turning back. “Look at me. Look at me well. You see here, here — there’s terrible disgrace in store for me.” (As he said “here,” Dmitri struck his chest with his fist with a strange air, as though the dishonour12 lay precisely33 on his chest, in some spot, in a pocket, perhaps, or hanging round his neck.) “You know me now, a scoundrel, an avowed34 scoundrel, but let me tell you that I’ve never done anything before and never shall again, anything that can compare in baseness with the dishonour which I bear now at this very minute on my breast, here, here, which will come to pass, though I’m perfectly35 free to stop it. I can stop it or carry it through, note that. Well, let me tell you, I shall carry it through. I shan’t stop it. I told you everything just now, but I didn’t tell you this, because even I had not brass36 enough for it. I can still pull up; if I do, I can give back the full half of my lost honour to-morrow. But I shan’t pull up. I shall carry out my base plan, and you can bear witness that I told so beforehand. Darkness and destruction! No need to explain. You’ll find out in due time. The filthy37 back-alley and the she-devil. Good-bye. Don’t pray for me, I’m not worth it. And there’s no need, no need at all. . . . I don’t need it! Away!”
And he suddenly retreated, this time finally. Alyosha went towards the monastery.
“What? I shall never see him again! What is he saying?” he wondered wildly. “Why, I shall certainly see him to-morrow. I shall look him up. I shall make a point of it. What does he mean?”
He went round the monastery, and crossed the pine-wood to the hermitage. The door was opened to him, though no one was admitted at that hour. There was a tremor38 in his heart as he went into Father Zossima’s cell.
“Why, why, had he gone forth39? Why had he sent him into the world? Here was peace. Here was holiness. But there was confusion, there was darkness in which one lost one’s way and went astray at once. . . . ”
In the cell he found the novice40 Porfiry and Father Paissy, who came every hour to inquire after Father Zossima. Alyosha learnt with alarm that he was getting worse and worse. Even his usual discourse41 with the brothers could not take place that day. As a rule every evening after service the monks42 flocked into Father Zossima’s cell, and all confessed aloud their sins of the day, their sinful thoughts and temptations; even their disputes, if there had been any. Some confessed kneeling. The elder absolved43, reconciled, exhorted44, imposed penance45, blessed, and dismissed them. It was against this general “confession” that the opponents of “elders” protested, maintaining that it was a profanation46 of the sacrament of confession, almost a sacrilege, though this was quite a different thing. They even represented to the diocesan authorities that such confessions47 attained48 no good object, but actually to a large extent led to sin and temptation. Many of the brothers disliked going to the elder, and went against their own will because everyone went, and for fear they should be accused of pride and rebellious49 ideas. People said that some of the monks agreed beforehand, saying, “I’ll confess I lost my temper with you this morning, and you confirm it,” simply in order to have something to say. Alyosha knew that this actually happened sometimes. He knew, too, that there were among the monks some who deep resented the fact that letters from relations were habitually50 taken to the elder, to be opened and read by him before those to whom they were addressed.
It was assumed, of course, that all this was done freely, and in good faith, by way of voluntary submission51 and salutary guidance. But, in fact, there was sometimes no little insincerity, and much that was false and strained in this practice. Yet the older and more experienced of the monks adhered to their opinion, arguing that “for those who have come within these walls sincerely seeking salvation52, such obedience53 and sacrifice will certainly be salutary and of great benefit; those, on the other hand, who find it irksome, and repine, are no true monks, and have made a mistake in entering the monastery — their proper place is in the world. Even in the temple one cannot be safe from sin and the devil. So it was no good taking it too much into account.”
“He is weaker, a drowsiness54 has come over him,” Father Paissy whispered to Alyosha, as he blessed him. “It’s difficult to rouse him. And he must not be roused. He waked up for five minutes, sent his blessing55 to the brothers, and begged their prayers for him at night. He intends to take the sacrament again in the morning. He remembered you, Alexey. He asked whether you had gone away, and was told that you were in the town. ‘I blessed him for that work,’ he said, ‘his place is there, not here, for awhile.’ Those were his words about you. He remembered you lovingly, with anxiety; do you understand how he honoured you? But how is it that he has decided56 that you shall spend some time in the world? He must have foreseen something in your destiny! Understand, Alexey, that if you return to the world, it must be to do the duty laid upon you by your elder, and not for frivolous57 vanity and worldly pleasures.”
Father Paissy went out. Alyosha had no doubt that Father Zossima was dying, though he might live another day or two. Alyosha firmly and ardently58 resolved that in spite of his promises to his father, the Hohlakovs, and Katerina Ivanovna, he would not leave the monastery next day, but would remain with his elder to the end. His heart glowed with love, and he reproached himself bitterly for having been able for one instant to forget him whom he had left in the monastery on his death bed, and whom he honoured above everyone in the world. He went into Father Zossima’s bedroom, knelt down, and bowed to the ground before the elder, who slept quietly without stirring, with regular, hardly audible breathing and a peaceful face.
Alyosha returned to the other room, where Father Zossima received his guests in the morning. Taking off his boots, he lay down on the hard, narrow, leathern sofa, which he had long used as a bed, bringing nothing but a pillow. The mattress59, about which his father had shouted to him that morning, he had long forgotten to lie on. He took off his cassock, which he used as a covering. But before going to bed, he fell on his knees and prayed a long time. In his fervent60 prayer he did not beseech61 God to lighten his darkness but only thirsted for the joyous62 emotion, which always visited his soul after the praise and adoration63, of which his evening prayer usually consisted. That joy always brought him light untroubled sleep. As he was praying, he suddenly felt in his pocket the little pink note the servant had handed him as he left Katerina Ivanovna’s. He was disturbed, but finished his prayer. Then, after some hesitation64, he opened the envelope. In it was a letter to him, signed by Lise, the young daughter of Madame Hohlakov, who had laughed at him before the elder in the morning.
“Alexey Fyodorovitch,” she wrote, “I am writing to you without anyone’s knowledge, even mamma’s, and I know how wrong it is. But I cannot live without telling you the feeling that has sprung up in my heart, and this no one but us two must know for a time. But how am I to say what I want so much to tell you? Paper, they say, does not blush, but I assure you it’s not true and that it’s blushing just as I am now, all over. Dear Alyosha, I love you, I’ve loved you from my childhood, since our Moscow days, when you were very different from what you are now, and I shall love you all my life. My heart has chosen you, to unite our lives, and pass them together till our old age. Of course, on condition that you will leave the monastery. As for our age we will wait for the time fixed by the law. By that time I shall certainly be quite strong, I shall be walking and dancing. There can be no doubt of that.
“You see how I’ve thought of everything. There’s only one thing I can’t imagine: what you’ll think of me when you read this. I’m always laughing and being naughty. I made you angry this morning, but I assure you before I took up my pen, I prayed before the Image of the Mother of God, and now I’m praying, and almost crying.
“My secret is in your hands. When you come to-morrow, I don’t know how I shall look at you. Ah, Alexey Fyodorovitch, what if I can’t restrain myself like a silly and laugh when I look at you as I did to-day. You’ll think I’m a nasty girl making fun of you, and you won’t believe my letter. And so I beg you, dear one, if you’ve any pity for me, when you come to-morrow, don’t look me straight in the face, for if I meet your eyes, it will be sure to make me laugh, especially as you’ll be in that long gown. I feel cold all over when I think of it, so when you come, don’t look at me at all for a time, look at mamma or at the window. . . .
“Here I’ve written you a love-letter. Oh, dear, what have I done? Alyosha, don’t despise me, and if I’ve done something very horrid65 and wounded you, forgive me. Now the secret of my reputation, ruined perhaps for ever, is in your hands.
“I shall certainly cry to-day. Good-bye till our meeting, our awful meeting. — Lise.
“P.S. — Alyosha! You must, must, must come! — Lise.
Alyosha read the note in amazement66, read it through twice, thought a little, and suddenly laughed a soft, sweet laugh. He started. That laugh seemed to him sinful. But a minute later he laughed again just as softly and happily. He slowly replaced the note in the envelope, crossed himself and lay down. The agitation67 in his heart passed at once. “God, have mercy upon all of them, have all these unhappy and turbulent souls in Thy keeping, and set them in the right path. All ways are Thine. Save them according to Thy wisdom. Thou art love. Thou wilt68 send joy to all!” Alyosha murmured, crossing himself, and falling into peaceful sleep.
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monastery
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| n.修道院，僧院，寺院 | |
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deserted
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| adj.荒芜的，荒废的，无人的，被遗弃的 | |
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solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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willow
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| n.柳树 | |
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savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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savagely
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| adv. 野蛮地，残酷地 | |
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beetle
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| n.甲虫，近视眼的人 | |
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verge
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| n.边，边缘；v.接近，濒临 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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braces
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| n.吊带，背带；托架( brace的名词复数 )；箍子；括弧；（儿童）牙箍v.支住( brace的第三人称单数 )；撑牢；使自己站稳；振作起来 | |
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dishonouring
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| 使（人、家族等）丧失名誉（dishonour的现在分词形式） | |
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dishonour
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| n./vt.拒付（支票、汇票、票据等）；vt.凌辱，使丢脸；n.不名誉，耻辱，不光彩 | |
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vile
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| adj.卑鄙的，可耻的，邪恶的；坏透的 | |
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raving
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| adj.说胡话的；疯狂的，怒吼的；非常漂亮的；令人醉心[痴心]的v.胡言乱语(rave的现在分词)n.胡话；疯话adv.胡言乱语地；疯狂地 | |
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consecutively
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vividly
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| adv.清楚地，鲜明地，生动地 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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scowled
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| 怒视，生气地皱眉( scowl的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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clenched
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| v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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rigid
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| adj.严格的，死板的；刚硬的，僵硬的 | |
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literally
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| adv.照字面意义，逐字地；确实 | |
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hysterical
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| adj.情绪异常激动的，歇斯底里般的 | |
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insolent
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| adj.傲慢的，无理的 | |
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impudence
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| n.厚颜无耻；冒失；无礼 | |
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defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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delusion
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| n.谬见，欺骗，幻觉，迷惑 | |
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humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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dagger
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| n.匕首，短剑，剑号 | |
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abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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precisely
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| adv.恰好，正好，精确地，细致地 | |
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avowed
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| adj.公开声明的，承认的v.公开声明，承认( avow的过去式和过去分词) | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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filthy
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| adj.卑劣的；恶劣的，肮脏的 | |
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tremor
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| n.震动，颤动，战栗，兴奋，地震 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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novice
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| adj.新手的，生手的 | |
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discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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monks
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| n.修道士，僧侣( monk的名词复数 ) | |
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absolved
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| 宣告…无罪，赦免…的罪行，宽恕…的罪行( absolve的过去式和过去分词 )； 不受责难，免除责任 [义务] ,开脱（罪责） | |
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exhorted
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| v.劝告，劝说( exhort的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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penance
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| n.（赎罪的）惩罪 | |
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profanation
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| n.亵渎 | |
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confessions
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| n.承认( confession的名词复数 )；自首；声明；（向神父的）忏悔 | |
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attained
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| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的过去式和过去分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
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rebellious
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| adj.造反的，反抗的，难控制的 | |
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habitually
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| ad.习惯地，通常地 | |
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submission
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| n.服从，投降；温顺，谦虚；提出 | |
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salvation
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| n.（尤指基督）救世，超度，拯救，解困 | |
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obedience
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| n.服从，顺从 | |
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drowsiness
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| n.睡意；嗜睡 | |
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blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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frivolous
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| adj.轻薄的；轻率的 | |
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ardently
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| adv.热心地，热烈地 | |
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mattress
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| n.床垫，床褥 | |
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fervent
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| adj.热的，热烈的，热情的 | |
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beseech
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| v.祈求，恳求 | |
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joyous
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| adj.充满快乐的；令人高兴的 | |
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adoration
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| n.爱慕，崇拜 | |
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hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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horrid
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| adj.可怕的；令人惊恐的；恐怖的；极讨厌的 | |
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amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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wilt
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| v.(使)植物凋谢或枯萎；(指人)疲倦，衰弱 | |
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