WELL, all day him and the king was hard at it, rigging up a stage and a curtain and a row of candles for footlights; and that night the house was jam full of men in no time. When the place couldn't hold no more, the duke he quit tending door and went around the back way and come on to the stage and stood up before the curtain and made a little speech, and praised up this tragedy, and said it was the most thrillingest one that ever was; and so he went on abragging about the tragedy, and about Edmund Kean the Elder, which was to play the main principal part in it; and at last when he'd got everybody's expectations up high enough, he rolled up the curtain, and the next minute the king come a-prancing out on all fours, naked; and he was painted all over, ringstreaked-and-striped, all sorts of colors, as splendid as a rainbow. And -- but never mind the rest of his outfit3; it was just wild, but it was awful funny. The people most killed themselves laughing; and when the king got done capering4 and capered5 off behind the scenes, they roared and clapped and stormed and hawhawed till he come back and done it over again, and after that they made him do it another time. Well, it would make a cow laugh to see the shines that old idiot cut.
Then the duke he lets the curtain down, and bows to the people, and says the great tragedy will be performed only two nights more, on accounts of pressing London engagements, where the seats is all sold already for it in Drury Lane; and then he makes them another bow, and says if he has succeeded in pleasing them and instructing them, he will be deeply obleeged if they will mention it to their friends and get them to come and see it.
Twenty people sings out:
"What, is it over? Is that ALL?"
The duke says yes. Then there was a fine time. Everybody sings out, "Sold!" and rose up mad, and was a-going for that stage and them tragedians. But a big, fine looking man jumps up on a bench and shouts:
"Hold on! Just a word, gentlemen." They stopped to listen. "We are sold -- mighty6 badly sold. But we don't want to be the laughing stock of this whole town, I reckon, and never hear the last of this thing as long as we live. NO. What we want is to go out of here quiet, and talk this show up, and sell the REST of the town! Then we'll all be in the same boat. Ain't that sensible?" ("You bet it is! -- the jedge is right!" everybody sings out.) "All right, then -- not a word about any sell. Go along home, and advise everybody to come and see the tragedy."
Next day you couldn't hear nothing around that town but how splendid that show was. House was jammed again that night, and we sold this crowd the same way. When me and the king and the duke got home to the raft we all had a supper; and by and by, about midnight, they made Jim and me back her out and float her down the middle of the river, and fetch her in and hide her about two mile below town.
The third night the house was crammed7 again -- and they warn't new-comers this time, but people that was at the show the other two nights. I stood by the duke at the door, and I see that every man that went in had his pockets bulging9, or something muffled10 up under his coat -- and I see it warn't no perfumery, neither, not by a long sight. I smelt11 sickly eggs by the barrel, and rotten cabbages, and such things; and if I know the signs of a dead cat being around, and I bet I do, there was sixty-four of them went in. I shoved in there for a minute, but it was too various for me; I couldn't stand it. Well, when the place couldn't hold no more people the duke he give a fellow a quarter and told him to tend door for him a minute, and then he started around for the stage door, I after him; but the minute we turned the corner and was in the dark he says:
"Walk fast now till you get away from the houses, and then shin for the raft like the dickens was after you!"
I done it, and he done the same. We struck the raft at the same time, and in less than two seconds we was gliding12 down stream, all dark and still, and edging towards the middle of the river, nobody saying a word. I reckoned the poor king was in for a gaudy13 time of it with the audience, but nothing of the sort; pretty soon he crawls out from under the wigwam, and says:
"Well, how'd the old thing pan out this time, duke?" He hadn't been up-town at all.
We never showed a light till we was about ten mile below the village. Then we lit up and had a supper, and the king and the duke fairly laughed their bones loose over the way they'd served them people. The duke says:
"Greenhorns, flatheads! I knew the first house would keep mum and let the rest of the town get roped in; and I knew they'd lay for us the third night, and consider it was THEIR turn now. Well, it IS their turn, and I'd give something to know how much they'd take for it. I WOULD just like to know how they're putting in their opportunity. They can turn it into a picnic if they want to -- they brought plenty provisions."
Them rapscallions took in four hundred and sixtyfive dollars in that three nights. I never see money hauled in by the wagon-load like that before. By and by, when they was asleep and snoring, Jim says:
"Don't it s'prise you de way dem kings carries on, Huck?"
"No," I says, "it don't."
"Why don't it, Huck?"
"Well, it don't, because it's in the breed. I reckon they're all alike,"
"But, Huck, dese kings o' ourn is reglar rapscallions; dat's jist what dey is; dey's reglar rapscallions."
"Well, that's what I'm a-saying; all kings is mostly rapscallions, as fur as I can make out."
"Is dat so?"
"You read about them once -- you'll see. Look at Henry the Eight; this 'n 's a Sunday-school Superintendent14 to HIM. And look at Charles Second, and Louis Fourteen, and Louis Fifteen, and James Second, and Edward Second, and Richard Third, and forty more; besides all them Saxon heptarchies that used to rip around so in old times and raise Cain. My, you ought to seen old Henry the Eight when he was in bloom. He WAS a blossom. He used to marry a new wife every day, and chop off her head next morning. And he would do it just as indifferent as if he was ordering up eggs. 'Fetch up Nell Gwynn,' he says. They fetch her up. Next morning, 'Chop off her head!' And they chop it off. 'Fetch up Jane Shore,' he says; and up she comes, Next morning, 'Chop off her head' -- and they chop it off. 'Ring up Fair Rosamun.' Fair Rosamun answers the bell. Next morning, 'Chop off her head.' And he made every one of them tell him a tale every night; and he kept that up till he had hogged17 a thousand and one tales that way, and then he put them all in a book, and called it Domesday Book -- which was a good name and stated the case. You don't know kings, Jim, but I know them; and this old rip of ourn is one of the cleanest I've struck in history. Well, Henry he takes a notion he wants to get up some trouble with this country. How does he go at it -- give notice? -- give the country a show? No. All of a sudden he heaves all the tea in Boston Harbor overboard, and whacks18 out a declaration of independence, and dares them to come on. That was HIS style -- he never give anybody a chance. He had suspicions of his father, the Duke of Wellington. Well, what did he do? Ask him to show up? No -- drownded him in a butt20 of mamsey, like a cat. S'pose people left money laying around where he was -- what did he do? He collared it. S'pose he contracted to do a thing, and you paid him, and didn't set down there and see that he done it -- what did he do? He always done the other thing. S'pose he opened his mouth -- what then? If he didn't shut it up powerful quick he'd lose a lie every time. That's the kind of a bug21 Henry was; and if we'd a had him along 'stead of our kings he'd a fooled that town a heap worse than ourn done. I don't say that ourn is lambs, because they ain't, when you come right down to the cold facts; but they ain't nothing to THAT old ram8, anyway. All I say is, kings is kings, and you got to make allowances. Take them all around, they're a mighty ornery lot. It's the way they're raised."
"But dis one do SMELL so like de nation, Huck."
"Well, they all do, Jim. We can't help the way a king smells; history don't tell no way."
"Now de duke, he's a tolerble likely man in some ways."
"Yes, a duke's different. But not very different. This one's a middling hard lot for a duke. When he's drunk there ain't no near-sighted man could tell him from a king."
"Well, anyways, I doan' hanker for no mo' un um, Huck. Dese is all I kin1 stan'."
"It's the way I feel, too, Jim. But we've got them on our hands, and we got to remember what they are, and make allowances. Sometimes I wish we could hear of a country that's out of kings."
What was the use to tell Jim these warn't real kings and dukes? It wouldn't a done no good; and, besides, it was just as I said: you couldn't tell them from the real kind.
I went to sleep, and Jim didn't call me when it was my turn. He often done that. When I waked up just at daybreak he was sitting there with his head down betwixt his knees, moaning and mourning to himself. I didn't take notice nor let on. I knowed what it was about. He was thinking about his wife and his children, away up yonder, and he was low and homesick; because he hadn't ever been away from home before in his life; and I do believe he cared just as much for his people as white folks does for their'n. It don't seem natural, but I reckon it's so. He was often moaning and mourning that way nights, when he judged I was asleep, and saying, "Po' little 'Lizabeth! po' little Johnny! it's mighty hard; I spec' I ain't ever gwyne to see you no mo', no mo'!" He was a mighty good nigger, Jim was.
But this time I somehow got to talking to him about his wife and young ones; and by and by he says:
"What makes me feel so bad dis time 'uz bekase I hear sumpn over yonder on de bank like a whack19, er a slam, while ago, en it mine me er de time I treat my little 'Lizabeth so ornery. She warn't on'y 'bout2 fo' year ole, en she tuck de sk'yarlet fever, en had a powful rough spell; but she got well, en one day she was a-stannin' aroun', en I says to her, I says:
"'Shet de do'.'
"She never done it; jis' stood dah, kiner smilin' up at me. It make me mad; en I says agin, mighty loud, I says:
"'Doan' you hear me? Shet de do'!'
"She jis stood de same way, kiner smilin' up. I was a-bilin'! I says:
"'I lay I MAKE you mine!'
"En wid dat I fetch' her a slap side de head dat sont her a-sprawlin'. Den15 I went into de yuther room, en 'uz gone 'bout ten minutes; en when I come back dah was dat do' a-stannin' open YIT, en dat chile stannin' mos' right in it, a-lookin' down and mournin', en de tears runnin' down. My, but I WUZ mad! I was a-gwyne for de chile, but jis' den -- it was a do' dat open innerds -- jis' den, 'long come de wind en slam it to, behine de chile, ker-BLAM! -- en my lan', de chile never move'! My breff mos' hop16 outer me; en I feel so -- so -- I doan' know HOW I feel. I crope out, all a-tremblin', en crope aroun' en open de do' easy en slow, en poke22 my head in behine de chile, sof' en still, en all uv a sudden I says POW! jis' as loud as I could yell. SHE NEVER BUDGE23! Oh, Huck, I bust24 out a-cryin' en grab her up in my arms, en say, 'Oh, de po' little thing! De Lord God Amighty fogive po' ole Jim, kaze he never gwyne to fogive hisself as long's he live!' Oh, she was plumb25 deef en dumb, Huck, plumb deef en dumb -- en I'd ben atreat'n her so!"
接下来的一整天，他跟国王都拼命忙活，搭戏台，扯大幕，还摆了一排蜡烛做脚光。那个晚上，不一阵，大厅就挤满了人。等大厅再也容纳不下了，公爵就不再守门，他绕到后边，走上舞台，在大幕前站好，简简单单地讲了几句话，对这出悲剧赞不绝口，他先说这是有史以来最惊心动魄的好戏，接着他大力吹捧这出悲剧，吹捧老艾德蒙·基因，他将在这出剧中担任主角。最后，当他把观众的胃口都吊得高高的了，他拉起了大幕，国王立刻神气十足地爬了出来。他四肢着地，全身**，浑身上下给涂了个遍儿，斑斑点点，圈圈条条，什么样的颜色都有，五彩缤纷，像一道彩虹。而且--先别管他化妆得多花哨吧，反正就是乱糟糟地瞎胡闹，可又特别的滑稽。那些人简直快笑死了。当国王表演完了，就蹦达到了幕后，他们大吼大嚷，拍巴掌起哄，直到国王回来重新蹦达一遍；完了以后，他们又让他出来做一回。哎，看那个老笨蛋闹的恶作剧，就是连头牛也会发笑。
接着，公爵拉下帷幕，朝观众鞠躬，他说这出伟大的悲剧只能再演两晚，伦敦方面来了特急邀请，这出戏在特鲁利戏院街的所有座位票都已售出，然后，他又鞠一躬，还说如果他确实让大家看得开心又受益，那么，他欢迎大家把这出戏介绍给自己的朋友，让他们也来看看，他将深表谢意。
20 个人大声嚷道："什么，戏已经完啦？就演个（这）？"公爵说，" 对。" 接下去可就热闹透了。人人都嚷着"上当了！" 疯了一般地跳起来，就冲向舞台和他们的悲剧名星。不过，一个长相很好看的大个子跳到凳子上喊："住手！听我说句话，先生们。他们停下来听。我们上当了，上了很大的当。但是，我看我们总不至于去当全镇人的笑柄吧，只要活着就让人家笑话个没完。不，我们应该做的是，悄悄地从这里走出去，帮这出戏捧捧场，让镇上其他人也上当！这样一来，大家就摆平了。是不是道理？""绝对没错！法官说得对！" 人人都这么嚷。" 好啦，那么..谁也别提上当的事。回家去，劝每个人都来看看这场悲剧。"第二天，那个镇上，除了听说那出戏有多精彩之外，没有任何别的评价。当天晚上，大厅又挤满了人，我们同样捉弄了这帮人。当我和国王还有公爵返回木排上时，我们一块儿吃了晚饭。时间慢慢地过去，大约到了半夜，他们让我和吉姆把木排从小河里退了出来，撑到大河当中，向下漂了两英里地才靠岸，找地方藏了起来。
第三天晚上，大厅又挤满了人，这回来的可不是什么新观众，而是前两晚上看过表演的那些人。在门口，我站在公爵一侧，看见每一个进来的人口袋全是鼓鼓囊囊的，或者在衣服下边裹着东西--我看也不是什么香东西，绝对不是。我闻出来有成桶的臭鸡蛋，还有烂白菜之类的；假如有死猫，我看我准能认出来，总共带进来的有64 只。我钻进场里站了只有一分钟，臭味怪味实在太呛人，我真受不了。当那个地方再也挤不进去人了，公爵给了一个家伙两毛五分钱，让他帮他看会儿门，他便绕着朝舞台门口走去，我跟着他，我们一到拐角闪入了黑影里，他说："走快！现在就走！一直走得离开这些房子，接着撒退往木排上跑，就像是有魔鬼在后面追你一样！"我就照办了，他也这么做。我们同时到达木排，不到两秒，我们就顺水下漂了，周围漆黑一团，静寂无声，我们朝河中心斜着划过去，谁也不吱声。我猜想可怜的国王这会儿该被观众抓住可有得戏看了。可是根本不是那回事，很快，他从窝棚底下爬了出来。他问："喂，这回要照老样子干会是什么结果，公爵？"他根本没有到镇上去！
我们一直不敢亮灯，等漂过那个镇子十英里多地，才点灯吃晚饭，国王和公爵聊着他们捉弄那些人的办法，关节儿都笑得发松。公爵说："一群傻瓜，笨蛋！我就知道第一场的观众会悄不吱声的，让镇上其余的人也去上当，我还知道第三天晚上，他们一定会等着收拾我们，心想这回该轮到（他们）收拾人了。嘿，（是）轮到他们了，我情愿打赌，就想知道他们带了多少东西预备这一手。我就是想知道他们怎么来利用这个机会。要是他们愿意，他们完全可以把它变成一顿野餐--他们带的干粮可是足够啦。"这两个坏蛋那三个晚上共骗到465 块钱。我从前还没见过这么多钱，几乎够装一马车的。
后来，当他们睡熟并打起了呼噜，吉姆说："哈克，国王他们这样胡闹，你不觉得奇怪吗？""不，"我说，" 不奇怪。""为什么不奇怪，哈克？""是不奇怪，就因为这是他们的教养和德性。我们他俩是一路货。""但是，哈克，我们这俩国王可是地道的坏蛋，的确是这样，他们是地道的坏蛋。""对呀，我要讲的正是这个意思。所有的国王几乎都是坏蛋，但凡是我能想起来的。""是这样吗？""你读他们一回，你就清楚了。看看亨利八世，比起他来，咱们这位算得上一个主日学校的校长了。..喂，你该看看老亨利八世年轻的时候，他正当年，总是一天娶一个新媳妇，可第二天一早就会砍掉她的头。他做这种事，简直毫不在意，像叫人送鸡蛋一样。'叫尼尔·古因来！'他说。他们就得把她送来。第二天早上，'砍掉她的头！'他们就得砍掉她的头。他还命令每个新娘每天晚上给他讲一个故事。他一直这样干，他靠这个法子搞到了一千零一个故事，后来，他把这些故事编在一起，编成一本书，把它叫做《末日审判书》--名字倒是个好名字，把这回事交待明白了。你不了解国王，吉姆，我可是了解他们；咱这个无赖算是我在历史书上碰上的最清白的一个啦。想想吧，有人把钱丢在亨利的地方，他会怎么办？他顺手拿走。如果他订了合同，规定要做一件事，你付钱给他了，不可能坐在那里看着他干活儿吧，他怎么着？他肯定不照办。要是他一张开嘴，你猜又会怎么着？要是他不赶紧闭上，每回他准得撒谎，亨利就是这样的坏蛋。所以，要是咱们和亨利一道，而不是和这俩国王，他会把那个镇上的人骗得更惨，比咱这俩国王做得更绝。我不是在说这两位有多可爱，因为事实明摆着，他们不是；不过，要跟那个老杂毛比起来，他们实在算不上什么。我说这么多的意思是，国王就是国王，你不能不将就点儿。总体而言，他们是特别无赖的一帮东西。他们就是受这种教育长大的。""可是这位（闻着）就有那么股怪味，哈克。""哎，他们全一样，吉姆。（我们）可管不了国王闻着有什么怪味，历史上没人能管得了。""再说这位公爵，他还凑合着叫人有点儿喜欢，在某些地方。""对，公爵是不一样。不过话说回来，也没什么大不一样。这位当个公爵，算是个一般的坏货吧。他如果喝醉了，任凭哪个近视眼也分不清他是不是国王。""唉，不管怎么说，我是不稀罕再有什么国王啦，哈克。这俩就足够我受啦。""我也这样想，吉姆。只是我们已招惹上他们了，我们就得记住他们是些什么人，将就着点儿。有时候我真希望听到某个国家没有国王。"我如果告诉吉姆他们并非真正的国王和公爵会有什么用呢？没有任何好处，另外，就像我说的那样，你也难以分清谁真谁假。
我睡着了，该我值班时，吉姆没叫我。他常那么做。我醒来时，刚好天亮，他坐在那儿，头埋在膝盖中间，唉声叹气，自言自语，我不在意，假装什么也没看见。我知道是怎么了。他在想他的老婆孩子，在大河那边，离得这么远，他内心难受，想家了，因为他这辈子还从未离开过家。我相信他也跟白人一样，很挂念自己的亲人。看起来好像是不自然，但我想是这样的。在夜里，当他觉得我睡着时，经常那样唉声叹气，嘴里不住念叨着：" 可怜的小丽莎贝斯！可怜的约翰尼！这让人觉得太难熬啦，我怕我这辈子是再也见不着你们啦，再也见不着啦！"吉姆是个心肠特别好的黑人，他确实是。
可是，有一回，不知怎么，我和他聊起了他的老婆和孩子，过了一会儿，他说："这回我心里这么难受，是因为我听到河岸那边有声音，像是在使劲儿打人，又像是砰地关门声，这令我想起从前，我待我的小丽莎贝斯可真凶。她刚四岁，害过一场猩红热，可算是受够了罪啦，不过她好过来了。有一天，她在一边儿站着，我冲她说'关上门'。
她没去关；就站在那儿，仰脸看着我笑。这可把我给气坏了，我又说一遍，嗓门很大，我说：'你没听到我说的话吗？关上门！'她还站在那里，对着我笑。我快要气炸啦！我说：'我得叫你听话才行！'说完我照她头上扇了一巴掌，把她打趴到了地上。后来我到另一间屋里去停了大约十分钟，等我回来了，看见门还开着，那孩子就站在门口，低头哭着，还不住地流眼泪。我他妈的，这回可把我给气疯了，我正要冲过去揍那孩子，可巧那个时候--那扇门是朝里开的--一阵大风刮过来关上了门，刚好打孩子身后关上，咣！扑通！我的天哪，那孩子再不动弹啦！我的魂儿都吓飞啦。我只觉得--只觉得--我说不明白是什么滋味。我悄悄地摸过去，浑身哆嗦着，摸来摸去摸着门，轻轻地慢慢地推开门，悄悄儿把头伸往孩子身后，突然，我大叫一声，（哇！）我憋足劲儿叫了一嗓子。（她再不动弹啦）！噢，哈克，我放声痛哭，抓起她抱在我怀里，我说，'噢，可怜的小东西！愿万能的上帝原谅可怜的老吉姆，因为他这辈子再也饶恕不了他自己！'噢，她完全聋了，也哑了，哈克，完全聋了，也哑了--我待她就是这样啊！"
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kin
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| n.家族，亲属，血缘关系；adj.亲属关系的，同类的 | |
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bout
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| n.侵袭，发作；一次(阵，回)；拳击等比赛 | |
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outfit
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| n.（为特殊用途的）全套装备，全套服装 | |
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capering
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| v.跳跃，雀跃( caper的现在分词 )；蹦蹦跳跳 | |
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capered
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| v.跳跃，雀跃( caper的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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crammed
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| adj.塞满的，挤满的；大口地吃；快速贪婪地吃v.把…塞满；填入；临时抱佛脚( cram的过去式) | |
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8
ram
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| (random access memory)随机存取存储器 | |
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bulging
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| 膨胀； 凸出（部）； 打气； 折皱 | |
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muffled
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| adj.（声音）被隔的；听不太清的；（衣服）裹严的；蒙住的v.压抑，捂住( muffle的过去式和过去分词 )；用厚厚的衣帽包着（自己） | |
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smelt
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| v.熔解，熔炼；n.银白鱼，胡瓜鱼 | |
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gliding
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| v. 滑翔 adj. 滑动的 | |
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gaudy
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| adj.华而不实的；俗丽的 | |
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superintendent
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| n.监督人，主管，总监；(英国)警务长 | |
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den
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| n.兽穴；秘密地方；安静的小房间，私室 | |
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hop
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| n.单脚跳，跳跃；vi.单脚跳，跳跃；着手做某事；vt.跳跃，跃过 | |
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hogged
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| adj.（船）中拱的，（路）拱曲的 | |
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whacks
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| n.重击声( whack的名词复数 )；不正常；有毛病v.重击，使劲打( whack的第三人称单数 ) | |
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whack
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| v.敲击，重打，瓜分；n.重击，重打，尝试，一份 | |
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butt
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| n.笑柄；烟蒂；枪托；臀部；v.用头撞或顶 | |
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21
bug
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| n.虫子；故障；窃听器；vt.纠缠；装窃听器 | |
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22
poke
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| n.刺，戳，袋；vt.拨开，刺，戳；vi.戳，刺，捅，搜索，伸出，行动散慢 | |
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23
budge
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| v.移动一点儿；改变立场 | |
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24
bust
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| vt.打破；vi.爆裂；n.半身像；胸部 | |
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plumb
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| adv.精确地，完全地；v.了解意义，测水深 | |
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