Chapter 14

IT is a most miserable¹ thing to feel ashamed of home. There may be black ingratitude² in the thing, and the punishment may be retributive and well deserved; but, that it is a miserable thing, I can testify.
Home had never been a very pleasant place to me, because of my sister's temper. But, Joe had sanctified it, and I had believed in it. I had believed in the best parlour as a most elegant saloon; I had believed in the front door, as a mysterious portal of the Temple of State whose solemn opening was attended with a sacrifice of roast fowls³; I had believed in the kitchen as a chaste⁴ though not magnificent apartment; I had believed in the forge as the glowing road to manhood and independence. Within a single year, all this was changed. Now, it was all coarse and common, and I would not have had Miss Havisham and Estella see it on any account.

How much of my ungracious condition of mind may have been my own fault, how much Miss Havisham's, how much my sister's, is now of no moment to me or to any one. The change was made in me; the thing was done. Well or ill done, excusably or inexcusably, it was done.

Once, it had seemed to me that when I should at last roll up my shirt-sleeves and go into the forge, Joe's 'prentice, I should be distinguished⁵ and happy. Now the reality was in my hold, I only felt that I was dusty with the dust of small coal, and that I had a weight upon my daily remembrance to which the anvil⁶ was a feather. There have been occasions in my later life (I suppose as in most lives) when I have felt for a time as if a thick curtain had fallen on all its interest and romance, to shut me out from anything save dull endurance any more. Never has that curtain dropped so heavy and blank, as when my way in life lay stretched out straight before me through the newly-entered road of apprenticeship⁷ to Joe.

I remember that at a later period of my `time,' I used to stand about the churchyard on Sunday evenings when night was falling, comparing my own perspective with the windy marsh⁸ view, and making out some likeness⁹ between them by thinking how flat and low both were, and how on both there came an unknown way and a dark mist and then the sea. I was quite as dejected on the first working-day of my apprenticeship as in that after-time; but I am glad to know that I never breathed a murmur¹⁰ to Joe while my indentures¹¹ lasted. It is about the only thing I am glad to know of myself in that connection.

For, though it includes what I proceed to add, all the merit of what I proceed to add was Joe's. It was not because I was faithful, but because Joe was faithful, that I never ran away and went for a soldier or a sailor. It was not because I had a strong sense of the virtue¹² of industry, but because Joe had a strong sense of the virtue of industry, that I worked with tolerable zeal¹³ against the grain. It is not possible to know how far the influence of any amiable¹⁴ honest-hearted duty-doing man flies out into the world; but it is very possible to know how it has touched one's self in going by, and I know right well, that any good that intermixed itself with my apprenticeship came of plain contented¹⁵ Joe, and not of restlessly aspiring¹⁶ discontented me.

What I wanted, who can say? How can I say, when I never knew? What I dreaded¹⁷ was, that in some unlucky hour I, being at my grimiest and commonest, should lift up my eyes and see Estella looking in at one of the wooden windows of the forge. I was haunted by the fear that she would, sooner or later, find me out, with a black face and hands, doing the coarsest part of my work, and would exult¹⁸ over me and despise me. Often after dark, when I was pulling the bellows¹⁹ for Joe, and we were singing Old Clem, and when the thought how we used to sing it at Miss Havisham's would seem to show me Estella's face in the fire, with her pretty hair fluttering in the wind and her eyes scorning me, - often at such a time I would look towards those panels of black night in the wall which the wooden windows then were, and would fancy that I saw her just drawing her face away, and would believe that she had come at last.

After that, when we went in to supper, the place and the meal would have a more homely²⁰ look than ever, and I would feel more ashamed of home than ever, in my own ungracious breast.

 

对于自己的家感到羞愧是一件最为不幸的事情。可以说这是一种昧良心的忘恩负义，惩罚是报应，是理所应得的，但不管怎样，我敢保证，这是一件很不幸的事情。

对我说来，家永远不是一个快乐所在，这全因我姐姐的脾气所致。由于乔使家神圣化，所以我对于家还有信任感。过去，我曾经把那间最好的客厅当成最为精致的沙龙；我曾经把我们家的前门当作国庙神秘的大门，只要大门庄严开启，就会有烤禽等祭和献进；我曾经把那个灶间当作一处高雅的所在，虽然它不是那么富丽堂皇；我曾经把那铁匠铺当成锻炼人和走向独立成长之路的所在。然而，不过在一年之间，一切都已变化。现在，一切是那么粗糙、那么平常，我决不希望郝维仙小姐和埃斯苔娜看到这种境况。

我内心的这种冷漠情绪究竟有多少是由于我自己的错误而造成，有多少是来自郝维仙小姐的感染，有多少是因为我姐姐的脾气，无论对我还是对别人都已无关重要，因为事已如此。在我内心产生了这一变化，无论好或者坏，无论可原宥或者不可原宥，事已铸成，再也无可挽回。

过去，我一直很自信，只要等到那一天，我卷起衬衫袖口走进铁匠铺，当上乔的学徒，我一定十分神气，十分幸福。可如今，昔日的愿望已成现实，我满身的煤屑、灰尘，肮脏不堪；每日只要一追及往事，便感十分沉重，即使打铁的铁砧与之相比，也如羽毛一样轻。在我后来的生活历程中有过一些时候，仿佛有一片厚密的帷幕从天而降，把我的兴趣和罗曼蒂克的幻想扫得荡然无存，除掉灰暗沉闷的生活外，其他什么也没有。我想，除我之外，大部分人也会有过这类体验。可是，正当我踏上铺在我面前的一片人生道路，刚刚成为乔的学徒时，那从上面落下来的帷幕竟是如此沉重，如此空虚无聊，是其他任何时候的帷幕所难以相比的。

我不会忘记在我生活的那段时期，我时常于星期天的黄昏时分仁立在乡村的教堂墓地。当夜幕徐徐降临，我把个人的前景和那多风的沼泽地相比，两者倒有些相似之处，都是那么平庸单调，那么低贱微小，那么前途难以知晓，都只有一片迷茫的暗雾和汪洋的大海。刚刚开始学徒生涯时，我便显得垂头丧气、郁郁寡欢。不过，我所感到欣慰的是，我在学徒期间，对乔从来没有发过半句怨言。这也是我在整个学徒时期所感到的唯一欣慰之事。

之所以产生这样的效果是有其原因的，千因万因，一切的功劳都该属于乔。决不是由于我忠于职守，而是因为乔忠于职守，所以我才没有离家出走，参军作战，或者去当水手。我决没有勤劳这一健康的美德观念，应当说是乔的美德观念影响了我，所以我才在工作时具有说得过去的热情，没有任性。当然，我们很难了解一位温顺厚道、心地坦然、坚持职守的人究竟对这大千世界会带来多大的影响，但我们确能了解自己在和这种人相处时所受到的感染。由此，我非常清楚地明白，在我的学徒期间，如果说有些什么值得称道之事，都是和乔平凡朴素知足常乐的性格分不开的，而不是由于我自己的美德，因为我是一种见异思迁、野心过大和难以满足的人。

谁能够说得出我内心所想的是什么？连我自己也说不出，因为我不知道自己的理想。我所担心的是，在某个倒霉的时刻，我正干着最肮脏和最粗俗的活儿时，突然举目一望就发现埃斯苔娜从铁匠铺的木窗外向里面张望。时刻有一种可怕的念头袭击着我的脑海，即她或迟或早会发现我，看见我这张污黑的面孔和这双污黑的手，正干着最粗笨的活儿，于是对我就会表现得更加耀武扬威，把我看得更低三下四。天黑之后，我给乔拉着风箱，我们会一起唱《老克莱门之歌》。每逢这时，我就会想起在郝维仙小姐家中经常唱此歌的情景，于是埃斯苔娜的面孔便在炉火中浮现出来，她的一头秀发在风中飘荡着，双眼轻蔑地望着我。时常在这时候，我会情不自禁地望着木窗那边窗框勾勒出的一方方夜幕，幻想着仿佛看见她刚刚缩回面庞，并且相信她的面孔还会出现。

每逢下工后进屋就餐时，我就会感到这地方、这吃的东西愈来愈粗俗差劲。在我郁郁不欢的心中，愈来愈感到这个家使我羞愧难当。

1 miserable   

adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的

参考例句：

• It was miserable of you to make fun of him.你取笑他，这是可耻的。
• Her past life was miserable.她过去的生活很苦。

2 ingratitude   

n.忘恩负义

参考例句：

• Tim's parents were rather hurt by his ingratitude.蒂姆的父母对他的忘恩负义很痛心。
• His friends were shocked by his ingratitude to his parents.他对父母不孝，令他的朋友们大为吃惊。

3 fowls   

鸟( fowl的名词复数 )； 禽肉； 既不是这； 非驴非马

参考例句：

• A great number of water fowls dwell on the island. 许多水鸟在岛上栖息。
• We keep a few fowls and some goats. 我们养了几只鸡和一些山羊。

4 chaste   

adj.贞洁的；有道德的；善良的；简朴的

参考例句：

• Comparatively speaking,I like chaste poetry better.相比较而言，我更喜欢朴实无华的诗。
• Tess was a chaste young girl.苔丝是一个善良的少女。

5 distinguished   

adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的

参考例句：

• Elephants are distinguished from other animals by their long noses.大象以其长长的鼻子显示出与其他动物的不同。
• A banquet was given in honor of the distinguished guests.宴会是为了向贵宾们致敬而举行的。

6 anvil   

n.铁钻

参考例句：

• The blacksmith shaped a horseshoe on his anvil.铁匠在他的铁砧上打出一个马蹄形。
• The anvil onto which the staples are pressed was not assemble correctly.订书机上的铁砧安装错位。

7 apprenticeship   

n.学徒身份；学徒期

参考例句：

• She was in the second year of her apprenticeship as a carpenter. 她当木工学徒已是第二年了。
• He served his apprenticeship with Bob. 他跟鲍勃当学徒。

8 marsh   

n.沼泽，湿地

参考例句：

• There are a lot of frogs in the marsh.沼泽里有许多青蛙。
• I made my way slowly out of the marsh.我缓慢地走出这片沼泽地。

9 likeness   

n.相像，相似（之处）

参考例句：

• I think the painter has produced a very true likeness.我认为这位画家画得非常逼真。
• She treasured the painted likeness of her son.她珍藏她儿子的画像。

10 murmur   

n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言

参考例句：

• They paid the extra taxes without a murmur.他们毫无怨言地交了附加税。
• There was a low murmur of conversation in the hall.大厅里有窃窃私语声。

11 indentures   

vt.以契约束缚（indenture的第三人称单数形式）

参考例句：

• Occasionally a girl of intelligence andwould insist on the fulfilled of the terms of her indentures. 偶尔也有个把聪明、倔强的姑娘坚决要求履行合同上的规定。 来自互联网

12 virtue   

n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力

参考例句：

• He was considered to be a paragon of virtue.他被认为是品德尽善尽美的典范。
• You need to decorate your mind with virtue.你应该用德行美化心灵。

13 zeal   

n.热心，热情，热忱

参考例句：

• Revolutionary zeal caught them up,and they joined the army.革命热情激励他们，于是他们从军了。
• They worked with great zeal to finish the project.他们热情高涨地工作，以期完成这个项目。

14 amiable   

adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的

参考例句：

• She was a very kind and amiable old woman.她是个善良和气的老太太。
• We have a very amiable companionship.我们之间存在一种友好的关系。

15 contented   

adj.满意的，安心的，知足的

参考例句：

• He won't be contented until he's upset everyone in the office.不把办公室里的每个人弄得心烦意乱他就不会满足。
• The people are making a good living and are contented,each in his station.人民安居乐业。

16 aspiring   

adj.有志气的；有抱负的；高耸的v.渴望；追求

参考例句：

• Aspiring musicians need hours of practice every day. 想当音乐家就要每天练许多小时。
• He came from an aspiring working-class background. 他出身于有抱负的工人阶级家庭。 来自辞典例句

17 dreaded   

adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词)

参考例句：

• The dreaded moment had finally arrived. 可怕的时刻终于来到了。
• He dreaded having to spend Christmas in hospital. 他害怕非得在医院过圣诞节不可。 来自《用法词典》

18 exult   

v.狂喜，欢腾；欢欣鼓舞

参考例句：

• Few people would not exult at the abolition of slavery.奴隶制被废除了，人们无不为之欢乐鼓舞。
• Let's exult with the children at the drawing near of Children's Day.六一儿童节到了，让我们陪着小朋友们一起欢腾。

19 bellows   

n.风箱；发出吼叫声，咆哮（尤指因痛苦）( bellow的名词复数 )；（愤怒地）说出（某事），大叫v.发出吼叫声，咆哮（尤指因痛苦）( bellow的第三人称单数 )；（愤怒地）说出（某事），大叫

参考例句：

• His job is to blow the bellows for the blacksmith. 他的工作是给铁匠拉风箱。 来自辞典例句
• You could, I suppose, compare me to a blacksmith's bellows. 我想，你可能把我比作铁匠的风箱。 来自辞典例句

20 homely   

adj.家常的，简朴的；不漂亮的

参考例句：

• We had a homely meal of bread and cheese.我们吃了一顿面包加乳酪的家常便餐。
• Come and have a homely meal with us,will you?来和我们一起吃顿家常便饭，好吗？