Life was sadder on the banks of the Oi as winter came on.
“This cannot continue,” said Genji. “You must move nearer.”
But the Akashi lady did not want to observe at close hand the coldness of which she had heard from afar. It would be the end of everything.
“I must make arrangements for the child, then. I have plans for her, and they would come to nothing if I were to leave her here. I have discussed the matter with the lady in the west wing at Nijō, who is most anxious to see her.” Murasaki might be asked, he said, to arrange unostentatiously for the ritual bestowing1 of trousers.
The Akashi lady had long known that something of the sort was on his mind. This declaration brought matters to a climax3, while adding greatly to the uncertainty4. “I have no doubt that you mean to treat her as if her mother were the noblest of your ladies, but of course people are sure to know who she really is, and behave accordingly.”
“You need not have the slightest fear that she will be mistreated. It is a matter of very great unhappiness for the lady at Nijō that after all these years she has no children of her own. The former high priestess of Ise is already a grown lady, and yet the Nijō lady insists on treating her like a child. She is sure to adore your little girl. That is her way.” He perhaps exaggerated Murasaki’s maternal5 tendencies a little.
Rumors7 of his amorous8 adventuring had reached Akashi, where there had been speculation9 upon the sort of grand love affair that might finally bring it to an end. Now it did seem to have vanished without a trace. The bond from an earlier life must be a very strong one, and the lady herself a paragon10. She would think it most impertinent of the Akashi lady to come forward. Well, thought the latter, she must drive her own affairs from her mind, and think only of the child, whose future lay before her. In that Murasaki was best qualified11 to advise. Genji had said that the humane12 thing would be to take the child away while she was still an infant, and no doubt he was right. Yet she would worry, she knew, and what would she now have to relieve the tedium13 of her days? What reason Would Genji have to pay her the briefest and rarest visit? The only thing which seemed certain in this web of uncertainty was that she had been born under unhappy stars.
She consulted her mother, a very wise old lady.
“You fret14 over things that are so simple. It will not be easy to live without her, I know, but it is her interest we must consider, and it is her interest, I have no doubt at all, that His Lordship is most concerned about. You must put your trust in him and let her go. Even when a child has the emperor himself for its father, the mother’s station in life makes all the difference. Look at the case of His Lordship. He was the handsomest and the most gifted of them all, and still he was made a commoner. His maternal grandfather was just not important enough, and his mother was one of the lesser15 ladies at court. And if there are these distinctions among princes, think how much more extreme they are among us commoners. Even the daughter of a prince or a minister is at a great disadvantage if her mother’s family does not have influence. Her father cannot do the things that one might expect from his rank. Your own little girl can look forward to only one thing if a daughter is born to one of the grand ladies: she will be forgotten. The ones with a chance in the world are the ones whose parents give them that chance. I don’t care how much we spend on her, no one is going to pay the slightest attention off here in the hills. No, you must turn her over to His Lordship and see what he means to do for her.”
Through well-placed friends she consulted renowned16 fortunetellers and it was their uniform opinion, to her considerable distress17, that the child should be put in Murasaki’s charge. Genji had of course long been of that opinion, but had not wished to seem unreasonable18 or importunate19.
What did she propose, asked Genji, in the matter of the bestowing of trousers?
“It is of course as you say. It would be quite unfair to leave the child with a useless person like myself. And yet I fear for her. Might they not make fun of her if you were to take her away with you?”
He felt very sorry for her indeed.
He had a propitious20 day selected and quietly saw to arrangements for the move. The thought of giving up the child was almost more than the lady could bear, but she held herself under tight control, trying to keep everything from her mind but the future that was spreading before the child.
“And so you must leave?” she said to the nurse. “You have been my comfort through the loneliness and boredom21. I shall be quite lost without you.”
The nurse too was in tears. “We must reconcile ourselves, my lady, to what must be. I shall not forget your unfailing kindness since we came together so unexpectedly, and I know that we shall continue to think of each other. I refuse to accept it as a final parting. The prospect22 of going out among strangers is very frightening, and my comfort will be the thought that we will soon be near each other again.”
The Twelfth Month came.
There were snow and sleet23 to add to the gloom. What sort of legacy24 was hers from other lives, asked the lady, that she must put up with so much in this one? She spent more time than ever with the little girl, combing her hair, changing her clothes. On a dark morning of drifting snows she went to the veranda25 and gazed out at the ice on the river, and thought of what was past and what was to come. It was not like her to expose herself so. She preferred the inner rooms of the house. Warmed by several soft white robes, she sat lost in thought; and the molding of her head and the flow of her hair and robes made her women feel sure that the noblest lady in the land could not be lovelier.
She brushed away a tear and said to the nurse: “This sort of weather will be even more trying now.
“These mountain paths will be closed by snow and clouds.
Do not, I pray you, let your tracks be lost.”
The nurse replied:
“And were you to move to deepest Yoshino,
I still would find you, through unceasing snow.”
The snow had melted a little when Genji paid his next visit. She would have been delighted except for the fact that she knew its purpose. Well, she had brought it on herself. The decision had been hers to make. Had she refused he would not have forced her to give up the child. She had made a mistake, but would not risk seeming mercurial26 and erratic27 by trying to rectify28 it at this late date.
The child was sitting before her, pretty as a doll. Yes, she was meant for unusual things, one could not deny it. Since spring her hair had been allowed to grow, and now, thick and flowing, it had reached the length that would be usual for a nun29. I shall say nothing of the bright eyes and the glowing, delicately carved features. Genji could imagine the lady’s anguish30 at sending her child off to a distant foster mother. Over and over again he Sought to persuade her that it was the only thing to do.
“Please, you needn’t. I will be happy if you see that she becomes something more than I have been myself.” But for all her valiant31 efforts at composure she was in tears.
The little girl jumped innocently into the waiting carriage, the lady having brought her as far as the veranda to which it had been drawn32 up. She tugged33 at her mother’s sleeves and in charming baby talk urged her to climb in too.
“It is taken away, the seedling34 pine, so young.
When shall I see it grandly shading the earth?”
Her voice broke before she had come to the end.
She had every right to weep, thought Genji.
“A seedling, yes, but with the roots to give
The thousand years of the pines of Takekuma.
“You must be patient.”
He was right, of course. She resumed the struggle, which was not entirely35 successful, to control herself.
Only the nurse and a very personable young woman called Shōshō got into the little girl’s carriage, taking with them the sword which Genji had sent to Akashi and a sacred guardian36 doll. In a second carriage were several other handsome women and some little page girls. And so the Akashi lady saw them off.
Knowing how lonely she would be, Genji asked himself whether he was committing a crime for which he would one day be summoned to do penance38. It was dark when they reached Nijō. He had feared that the suddenly lavish39 surroundings would intimidate40 these provincial41 women, but Murasaki had gone to a great deal of trouble. The west room of her west wing had been fitted most charmingly to resemble a doll’s house. She assigned the nurse a room on the north side of the adjoining gallery.
The girl had slept most of the way. She did not weep as she was taken from the carriage. When sweets had been set before her, she looked around and saw that her mother was not with her. The puckered42 little face was very pretty. Her nurse sought to comfort her.
Genji’s thoughts were on that mountain dwelling43, where the gloom and tedium must be next to unbearable44. But he had the child’s education to think about. A little jewel, quite flawless — and why had such a child not been born at Nijō?
She wept and hunted for her mother; but she was of a docile45, affectionate nature, and soon she had quite taken to Murasaki. For Murasaki it was as if her last wish had been granted. She was always taking the child in her arms, and soon she and the nurse were very close friends. A second nurse, a woman of good family, had by now joined the household.
Though no very lavish preparations were made for bestowing the trousers, the ceremony became of its own accord something rather special. The appurtenances and decorations were as if for the finest doll’s house in the world. The stream of congratulatory visitors made no distinction between day and night — though one might not have found it remarkably46 different from the stream that was always pouring in and out of the Nijō mansion47. The trousers cord, everyone said, was the most charming little detail of all.
The Akashi lady went on thinking that she had brought gratuitous48 sorrow upon herself. Her mother had been so brave and confident; but old people weep easily, and she was weeping, though pleased at news that the child was the center of such attention. What could they send by way of congratulation? They contented49 themselves with robes for the nurse and the other women, hoping that the colors gave them a certain distinction.
Oi continued to be much on Genji’s mind. It was just as she had thought it would be, the lady was no doubt saying to herself; and so he paid a quiet visit late in the year. Oi was a lonely place at best, and she had lost her dearest treasure. He wrote constantly. Murasaki’s old bitterness had left her. She had the child, and the account was settled.
The New Year came. The skies were soft and pleasant and nothing seemed wanting at the Nijō mansion, which had been refurbished for the holidays. On the seventh day there was a continious stream of venerable and eminent50 callers, and younger people too, all the picture of prosperity. No doubt there were dissatisfactions beneath the surface, but it was a surface of contentment and pleasure.
The lady of the orange blossoms was very happy indeed in the east lodge51. Her retinue52 was efficient and well mannered and the mere53 fact of being near Genji had changed her life enormously. Sometimes when he had nothing else to do he would look in on her, though never with the intention of staying the night. She was an undemanding creature, and she asked nothing more. Her life was quiet, remarkably free of unsettling events, and as the seasonal54 observances came and went she had no reason to think that she was being slighted. In point of smooth and efficient service, indeed, she perhaps had the better of it over Murasaki.
He continued to worry about Oi and his inability to visit. Choosing a time when little was happening at court and taking more than usual care with his dress, he set off. His underrobes were beautifully dyed and scented55, and over them he had thrown an informal court robe of white lined with red. Looking after him as he came to say goodbye, his radiance competing with the evening sunlight, Murasaki felt vaguely57 apprehensive58.
The little girl clung to his trousers and seemed prepared to go with him.
“I’ve a twenty-acre field,” he sang, looking fondly down at her, “and I’ll be back tomorrow.”
Chujō was waiting in the gallery with a poem from her mistress:
“We shall see if you are back tomorrow,
If no one there essays to take your boat.”
Chūjō’s elocution was beautiful. He smiled appreciatively.
“I go but for a while, and shall return
Though she may wish I had not come at all.”
Murasaki no longer really thought a great deal about her rival. The little girl, scampering59 and tumbling about, quite filled her thoughts. Yet she did feel for the Akashi lady, knowing how desperate her own loneliness would be in such circumstances. Taking the little girl in her arms, she playfully offered one of her own small breasts. It was a charming scene. What had gone wrong? asked her women. Why was Genji’s daughter not hers? But such was the way of the world.
Life at Oi was quiet and dignified60. The house was pleasing as country houses can be, and each time he saw the lady Genji thought how little there was to distinguish her from ladies of the highest rank. Judged by themselves her appearance and manner were beyond reproach. By herself she could compete — such things did happen — with the best of them, even though she had that very odd father. He wished he might find time someday for a really satisfying visit. “A bridge that floats across dreams?” he whispered, reaching for a koto. Always at such times their last night at Akashi came back to him. Diffidently she took up the lute62 which he pushed towards her, and they played a brief duet. He marveled again that her accomplishments63 should be so varied64. He told her all about the little girl. Sometimes, though a great deal argued against it, he would take a light supper and stay the night. Katsura and his chapel65 provided the excuse. His manner toward the lady was not, it is true, his most gallant66, but neither was it chilly67 or uncivil. One might have classed it as rather above the ordinary in warmth and tenderness. She understood and was content, and was careful to seem neither forward nor obsequiously68 deferential69. She wanted to be what he wanted her to be, and she succeeded. Rumor6 had told her that he was stiffer and more formal with most women, and the wiser course seemed to be to keep her distance. If she were nearer she would be vulnerable, too easy a target for the other ladies. She would count it her good fortune that he troubled himself to visit her occasionally, and ask no more.
Her father had told her that last day that he was no longer a part of her life. Yet he worried, and from time to time he would send off a retainer to make quiet inquiry70 about Genji’s behavior. Some of the reports disturbed him, some pleased him.
At about this time Aoi’s father died. He had been a loyal and useful public servant, and the emperor was deeply grieved. He had been much missed when he retired71 from court even briefly72, and now he was gone forever. Genji was sadder than anyone. He had had time for himself because he had shared the business of government with his father-in-law. Now it would all be his.
The emperor was mature for his age and his judgment73 was to be trusted. Yet he did need support and advice. To whom was he to look besides Genji? Sadly, Genji concluded that his plans for a life of quiet meditation74 would have to be deferred75. He was even more attentive76 than the chancellor77’s sons to the details of the funeral and memorial services.
It was a time of bad omens78, erratic movements of the celestial79 bodies and unsettling cloud formations. The geomancers and soothsayers issued portentous80 announcements. Genji had his own very private reasons for disquiet81.
Fujitsubo had been ill from early in the year, and from the Third Month her condition was grave. Her son, the emperor, called upon her. He had been very young when his father died and had understood little of what was happening. Now his sorrow made his mother grieve as if it were for someone else.
“I had been sure,” she said, her voice very weak, “that this would be a bad year for me. I did not feel so very ill at first, and did not wish to be one of those for whom the end always seems to be in sight. I asked for no prayers or services besides the usual ones. I must call on you, I kept telling Myself, and have a good talk about the old days. But it has been so seldom these last weeks that I have really felt myself. And so here we are.”
She seemed much younger than her thirty-seven years. It was even sadder, because she was so youthful, that she might be dying. As she had said, it was a dangerous year. She had been aware for some weeks of not being well but she had contented herself with the usual penances82 and retreats. Apologizing for His negligence83, the emperor ordered numerous services.
Genji was suddenly very worried. She had always been sickly, and he had thought it just another of her indispositions.
Protocol84 required that the emperor’s visit be a short one. He returned to the palace in great anguish. His mother had been able to speak to him only with very great difficulty. She had received the highest honors which this world can bestow2, and her sorrows and worries too had been greater than most. That the emperor must remain ignorant of them added to the pain. He could not have dreamed of the truth, and so the truth must be the tie with this world which would keep her from repose85 in the other.
Genji shared in the public concern at this succession of misfortunes in high places, and of course his private feelings were deep and complex. He overlooked nothing by way of prayer and petition. He must speak to her once again of what had been given up so long before. Coming near her curtains, he asked how she was feeling. In tears, one of her women gave an account.
“All through her illness she has not for a moment neglected her prayers. They have only seemed to make her worse. She will not touch the tiniest morsel86 of food, not the tiniest bit of fruit. We are afraid that there is no hope.”
“I have been very grateful,” she said to Genji, “for all the help you have been to the emperor. You have done exactly as your father asked you to do. I have waited for an opportunity to thank you. My gratitude87 is far beyond the ordinary, and now I fear it is too late.”
He could barely catch the words and was too choked with tears to answer. He would have preferred not to exhibit his tears to her women. The loss would have been a grievous one even if she had been, all these years, no more than a friend. But life is beyond our control, and there was nothing he could do to keep her back, and no point in trying to describe his sorrow.
“I have not been a very effective man, I fear, but I have tried, when I have seen a need, to be of use to him. The chancellor’s death is a great blow, and now this — it is more than I can bear. I doubt that I shall be in this world much longer myself.”
And as he spoke88 she died, like a dying flame. I shall say no more of his grief.
Among persons of the highest birth whose charity and benevolence89 seem limitless there have been some who, sheltered by power and position, have been unwitting agents of unhappiness. Nothing of the sort was to be detected in the comportment of the dead lady. When someone had been of service to her she went to no end of trouble to avoid the sort of recompense that might indirectly90 have unfortunate consequences. Again, there have since the day of the sages92 been people who have been misled into extravagant93 and wasteful94 attentions to the powers above. Here too matters were quite different with the dead lady. Her faith and devotion complete, she offered only what was in her heart to offer, always within her means. The most ignorant and insensitive of mendicant95 mountain priests regretted her passing.
Her funeral became the only business of court, where grief was universal. The colors of late spring gave way to unrelieved gray and black. Gazing out at his Nijō garden, Genji thought of the festivities that spring a dozen years before. “ This year alone, “ he whispered. Not wanting to be seen weeping, he withdrew to the chapel, and there spent the day in tears. The trees at the crest96 of the ridge61 stood clear in the evening light. Wisps of cloud trailed below, a dull gray. It was a time when the want of striking color had its own beauty.
“A rack of cloud across the light of evening
As if they too, these hills, wore mourning weeds.”
There was no one to hear.
The memorial rites97 were over, and the emperor still grieved. There was an old bishop98 who had had the confidence of successive empresses since Fujitsubo’s mother. Fujitsubo herself had been very close to him and valued his services highly, and he had been the emperor’s intermediary in solemn vows99 and offerings. A saintly man, he was now seventy. He had been in seclusion100, making his own final preparations for the next life, but he had come down from the mountains to be at Fujitsubo’s side. The emperor had kept him on at the palace.
Genji too had pressed him to stay with the emperor through the difficult time and see to his needs as in the old days. Though he feared, replied the bishop, that he was no longer capable of night attendance, he was most honored by the invitation and most grateful that he had been permitted to serve royal ladies for so long.
One night, in the quiet before dawn, between shifts of courtiers on night duty, the bishop, coughing as old people will, was talking with the emperor about matters of no great importance.
“There is one subject which I find it very difficult to broach101, Your Majesty102. There are times when to speak the truth is a sin, and I have held my tongue. But it is a dilemma103, since your august ignorance of a certain matter might lead to unknowing wrong. What good would I do for anyone if I were to die in terror at meeting the eye of heaven? Would it have for me the scorn which it has for the groveling dissembler?”
What might he be referring to? Some bitterness, some grudge104, which he had not been able to throw off? It was unpleasant to think that the most saintly of hearts can be poisoned by envy.
“I have kept nothing from you since I learned to talk,” said the emperor, “and I shall not forgive easily if now you are keeping something from me.”
“It is wrong, I know, Your Majesty. You must forgive me. You have been permitted to see into depths which are guarded by the Blessed One, and why should I presume to keep anything from you? The matter is one which can project its unhappy influence into the future. Silence is damaging for everyone concerned. I have reference to the late emperor, to your late mother, and to the Genji minister.
“I am old and of no account, and shall have no regrets if I am punished for the revelation.
“I humbly105 reveal to you what was first revealed to me through the Blessed One himself. There were matters that deeply upset your mother when she was carrying you within her. The details were rather beyond the grasp of a simple priest like myself. There was that unexpected crisis when the Genji minister was charged with a crime he had not committed. Your royal mother was even more deeply troubled, and I undertook yet more varied and elaborate services. The minister heard of them and on his own initiative commissioned the rites which I undertook upon Your Majesty’s accession.” And he described them in detail.
It was a most astounding106 revelation. The terror and the sorrow were beyond describing. The emperor was silent for a time. Fearing that he had given offense107, the old man started from the room.
“No, Your Reverence108. My only complaint is that you should have concealed109 the matter for so long. Had I gone to my grave ignorant of it, I would have had it with me in my next life. And is there anyone else who is aware of these facts?”
“There are, I most solemnly assure you, two people and two people only who have ever known of them, Omyōbu and myself. The fear and the awe110 have been all the worse for that fact. Now you will understand, perhaps, the continuing portents111 which have had everyone in such a state of disquiet. The powers above held themselves in abeyance112 while Your Majesty was still a boy, but now that you have so perfectly113 reached the age of discretion114 they are making their displeasure known. It all goes back to your parents. I had been in awful fear of keeping the secret. “The old man was weeping. “I have forced myself to speak of what I would much prefer to have forgotten.”
It was full daylight when the bishop left.
The emperor’s mind was in turmoil115. It was all like a terrible dream. His reputed father, the old emperor, had been badly served, and the emperor was serving his real father badly by letting him toil116 as a common minister. He lay in bed with his solitary117 anguish until the sun was high. A worried Genji came making inquiries118. His arrival only added to the confusion in the emperor’s mind. He was in tears. More tears for his mother, surmised119 Genji, it being a time when there was no respite120 from tears. He must regretfully inform the emperor that Prince Shikibu had just died. Another bit of the pattern, thought the emperor. Genji stayed with him all that day.
“I have the feeling,” said the emperor, in the course of quiet, intimate talk, “that I am not destined121 to live a long life. I have a feeling too which I cannot really define that things are wrong, out of joint122. There is a spirit of unrest abroad. I had not wished to upset my mother by subjecting her and all of you to radical123 change, but I really do think I would prefer a quieter sort of life.”
“It is out of the question. There is no necessary relationship between public order and the personal character of a ruler. In ages past we have seen the most deplorable occurrences in the most exemplary reigns124. In China there have been violent upheavals125 during the reigns of sage91 emperors. Similar things have happened here. People whose time has come have died, and that is all. You are worrying yourself about nothing.”
He described many precedents126 which it would not be proper for me to describe in my turn.
In austere127 weeds of mourning, so much more subdued128 than ordinary court dress, the emperor looked extraordinarily129 like Genji. He had long been aware of the resemblance, but his attention was called to it more forcibly by the story he had just heard. He wanted somehow to hint of it to Genji. He was still very young, however, and rather awed130 by Genji and fearful of embarrassing or displeasing131 him. Though it turned on matters far less important, their conversation was unusually warm and affectionate.
Genji was too astute132 not to notice and be puzzled by the change. He did not suspect, however, that the emperor knew the whole truth.
The emperor would have liked to question Omyōbu; but somehow to bring her into this newest secret seemed a disservice to his mother and the secret she had guarded so long and so well. He thought of asking Genji, as if by way of nothing at all, whether his broad knowledge of history included similar examples, but somehow the occasion did not present itself. He pursued his own studies more diligently133, going through voluminous Chinese and Japanese chronicles. He found great numbers of such irregularities in Chinese history, some of which had come to the public notice and some of which had not. He could find none at all in Japanese history — but then perhaps they had been secrets as well guarded as this one. He found numerous examples of royal princes who had been reduced to common status and given the name of Genji and who, having become councillors and ministers, had been returned to royal status and indeed named as successors to the throne. Might not Genji’s universally recognized abilities be sufficient reason for relinquishing134 the throne to him? The emperor turned the matter over and over in his mind, endlessly.
He had reached one decision, consulting no one: that Genji’s appointment as chancellor would be on the autumn lists. He told Genji of his secret thoughts about the succession.
So astonished that he could scarcely raise his eyes, Genji offered the most emphatic135 opposition136. “Father, whatever may have been his reasons, favored me above all his other sons, but never did he consider relinquishing the throne to me. What possible reason would I now have for going against his noble intentions and taking for myself a position I have never coveted137? I would much prefer to follow his clear wishes and be a loyal minister, and when you are a little older, perhaps, retire to the quiet pursuits I really wish for.”
To the emperor’s very great disappointment, he was adamant138 in his refusal.
Then came the emperor’s wish to appoint him chancellor. Genji had reasons for wishing to remain for a time a minister, however, and the emperor had to be content with raising him one rank and granting him the special honor of bringing his carriage in through the Great South Gate. The emperor would have liked to go a little further and restore him to royal status, but Genji’s inclinations139 were against that honor as well. As a prince he would not have the freedom he now had in advising the emperor, and who besides him was to perform that service? Tō no Chūjō was a general and councillor. When he had advanced a step or two Genji might safely turn everything over him to him and, for better or worse, withdraw from public life.
But there was something very odd about the emperor’s behavior. Suspicions crossed Genji’s mind. If they were valid140, then they had sad implications for the memory of Fujitsubo, and they suggested secret anguish on the part of the emperor. Genji was overwhelmed by feelings of awed guilt141. Who could have let the secret out?
Having become mistress of the wardrobe, Omyōbu was now living in the palace. He went to see her.
Had Fujitsubo, on any occasion, allowed so much as a fragment of the secret to slip out in the emperor’s presence?
“Never, my lord, never. She lived in constant tenor142 that he might hear of it from someone else, and in terror of the secret itself, which might bring upon him the disfavor of the powers above.”
Genji’s longing143 for the dead lady came back anew.
Meanwhile Akikonomu’s performance at court was above reproach. She served the emperor well and he was fond of her. She could be given perfect marks for her sensitivity and diligence, which to Genji were beyond pricing. In the autumn she came to Nijō for a time. Genji had had the main hall polished and refitted until it quite glittered. He now stood unapologetically in the place of her father.
A gentle autumn rain was falling. The flower beds near the veranda were a riot of color, softened144 by the rain. Genji was in a reminiscent mood and his eyes were moist. He went to her apartments, a figure of wonderful courtliness and dignity in his dark mourning robes. The recent unsettling events had sent him into retreat. Though making no great show of it, he had a rosary in his hand. He addressed her through only a curtain.
“And so here are the autumn flowers again with their ribbons all undone145. It has been a rather dreadful year, and it is somehow a comfort that they should come back, not one of them forgetting its proper time.”
Leaning against a pillar, he was very handsome in the evening light. “When I think of her” — was the princess too thinking of her mother? He told her of the memories that had been so much with him these last days, and especially of how reluctant he had been to leave the temporary shrine146 that morning shortly before their departure for Ise. He heard, and scarcely heard at all, a soft movement behind the curtains, and guessed that she was weeping. There was a touching147 delicacy148 in it. Once more he regretted that he was not permitted to look at her. (It is not entirely admirable, this sort of regret.)
“All my life I have made trouble for myself which I could have avoided, and gone on worrying about ladies I have been fond of. Among all the affairs in which, I fear, my impulsiveness149 has brought pain to others, two have continued to trouble me and refused to go away.
“One was the case of your late mother. To the end she seems to have thought my behavior outrageous150, and I have always known that to the end I shall be sorry. I had hoped that my being of service to you and enjoying your confidence as I hope I do might have comforted her. But it would seem that in spite of everything the smoke refused to clear, and I must continue to live with it.”
Two affairs, he had said; but he did not elaborate upon the second.
“There were those years when I was lost to the world. Most of the unfinished business which I took with me has since been put in order, after a fashion. There is the lady in the east lodge, for instance: she has been rescued from her poverty and is living in peace and security. Her amiable151 ways are well known to everyone, most certainly to me, and I should say that in that quarter mutual152 understanding prevails. That I am back in the city and able to be of some service to His Majesty is not, for me, a matter that calls for very loud congratulation. I am still unable to fight back the unfortunate tendencies of my earlier years as I would have wished. Are you aware, I wonder, that my services to you, such as they have been, have required no little self-control? I should be very disappointed indeed if you were to leave me with the impression that you have not guessed.”
A heavy silence succeeded these remarks.
“You must forgive me.” And he changed the subject. “How I wish that, for the remaining years that have been granted me, I might shut myself up in some retreat and lose myself in quiet preparations for the next world. My great regret would be that I would leave so little behind me. There is, as you may know, a girl, of such mean birth that the world cannot be expected to notice her. I wait with great impatience153 for her to grow up. I fear that it will seem inappropriate of me to say so, but it would give me much comfort to hope that you might number the prosperity of this house among your august concerns, and her, after I am gone, among the people who matter to you.”
Her answer was but a word, so soft and hesitant that he barely caught it. He would have liked to take her in his arms. He stayed on, talking affectionately until it was quite dark.
“But aside from house and family, it is nature that gives me the most pleasure, the changes through the seasons, the blossoms and leaves of autumn and spring, the shifting patterns of the skies. People have always debated the relative merits of the groves154 of spring and the fields of autumn, and had trouble coming to a conclusion. I have been told that in China nothing is held to surpass the brocades of spring, but in the poetry of our own country the preference would seem to be for the wistful notes of autumn. I watch them come and go and must allow each its points, and in the end am unable to decide between song of bird and hue155 of flower. I go further: within the limits allowed by my narrow gardens, I have sought to bring in what I can of the seasons, the flowering trees of spring and the flowering grasses of autumn, and the humming of insects that would go unnoticed in the wilds. This is what I offer for your pleasure. Which of the two, autumn or spring, is your own favorite?”
He had chosen another subject which produced hesitation156, but one on which silence would seem merely rude.
“If Your Lordship finds it difficult to hand down a decision, how much more do I. It is as you say: some are of the one opinion and some of the other. Yet for me the autumn wind which poets have found so strange and compelling — in the dews I sense a fleeting157 link with my mother.”
He found the very muteness and want of logic158 deeply touching.
“Then we two feel alike. You know my secret:
For me it is the autumn winds that pierce.
“There are times when I find them almost more than I can bear.”
How was she to answer? She made it seem that she had not understood. Somehow he was in a complaining mood this evening. He caught himself just short of further indiscretion. She had every right to be unhappy with him, for he was behaving like a silly stripling. He sighed a heavy sigh, and even that rather put her off with its intrusive159 elegance160. She seemed to be inching away from him.
“I have displeased161 you, and am sorry — though I doubt that most people of feeling would have been quite as displeased. Well, do not let the displeasure last. It could be very trying.”
He went out. Even the perfume that lingered on upset her.
“What a scent56 he did leave on these cushions — just have a whiff. I can’t find words to describe it.” Her women were lowering the shutters162. “He brings everything all together in himself, like a willow163 that is all of a sudden blooming like a cherry. It sets a person to shivering.”
He went to Murasaki’s wing of the house. He did not go inside immediately, but, choosing a place on the veranda as far as possible from the lamps, lay for a time in thought. He exchanged desultory164 talk with several of her women. He was thinking of love. Had those wild impulses still not left him? He was too old for them, and angry with himself for the answer which the question demanded. He had misbehaved grievously, but he had been young and unthinking, and was sure that he would by now have been forgiven. So he sought to comfort himself; and there was genuine comfort in the thought that he was at least more aware of the dangers than he once had been.
Akikonomu was sorry that she had said as much as she had. Her remarks about the autumn must have sounded very poetic165, and she should have held her tongue. She was so unhappy with herself that she was feeling rather tired. Genji’s robustness166 had not seemed to allow for fatigue167. He was behaving more all the time as if he were her father.
He told Murasaki of this newly discovered preference for the autumn. “Certainly I can appreciate it. With you it is the early spring morning, and that too I understand. We must put together a really proper entertainment sometime to go with the blossoms and the autumn leaves. But I have been so busy. Well, it will not always be so. I will have what I want most, the life of the recluse168. And will you be lonely, my dear? The possibility that you might is what really holds me back.”
He still thought a great deal about the Akashi lady, but his life was so constricted169 that he could not easily visit her. She seemed to have concluded that the bond between them meant nothing. By what right? Her refusal to leave the hills for a more conventional abode170 seemed to him a touch haughty171. Yet he pitied her, and took every opportunity to attend services in his new chapel. Oi only seemed sadder as she came to know it better, the sort of place that must have a melancholy172 effect on even the chance visitor. Genji’s visits brought contradictory173 feelings: the bond between them was a powerful one, obviously, and it had meant unhappiness. She might have been better off without it. These are the sad thoughts which most resist consolation174.
The torches of the cormorant175 fishermen through the dark groves were like fireflies on a garden stream.
“For someone not used to living beside the water,” said Genji, “I think it must be wonderfully strange and different.”
“The torches bobbing with the fisher boats
Upon those waves have followed me to Oi.
“The torches and my thoughts are now as they were then.”
And he answered:
“Only one who does not know deep waters
Can still be bobbing, dancing on those waves.
“Who, I ask you, has made whom unhappy?” So he turned her gentle complaint against her.
It was a rime37 of relative leisure when Genji could turn his thoughts to his devotions. Because his visits were longer, the Akashi lady (or so one hears) was feeling somewhat happier with her lot.
1 bestowing | |
砖窑中砖堆上层已烧透的砖 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
2 bestow | |
v.把…赠与,把…授予;花费 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
3 climax | |
n.顶点;高潮;v.(使)达到顶点 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
4 uncertainty | |
n.易变,靠不住,不确知,不确定的事物 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
5 maternal | |
adj.母亲的,母亲般的,母系的,母方的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
6 rumor | |
n.谣言,谣传,传说 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
7 rumors | |
n.传闻( rumor的名词复数 );[古]名誉;咕哝;[古]喧嚷v.传闻( rumor的第三人称单数 );[古]名誉;咕哝;[古]喧嚷 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
8 amorous | |
adj.多情的;有关爱情的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
9 speculation | |
n.思索,沉思;猜测;投机 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
10 paragon | |
n.模范,典型 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
11 qualified | |
adj.合格的,有资格的,胜任的,有限制的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
12 humane | |
adj.人道的,富有同情心的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
13 tedium | |
n.单调;烦闷 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
14 fret | |
v.(使)烦恼;(使)焦急;(使)腐蚀,(使)磨损 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
15 lesser | |
adj.次要的,较小的;adv.较小地,较少地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
16 renowned | |
adj.著名的,有名望的,声誉鹊起的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
17 distress | |
n.苦恼,痛苦,不舒适;不幸;vt.使悲痛 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
18 unreasonable | |
adj.不讲道理的,不合情理的,过度的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
19 importunate | |
adj.强求的;纠缠不休的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
20 propitious | |
adj.吉利的;顺利的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
21 boredom | |
n.厌烦,厌倦,乏味,无聊 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
22 prospect | |
n.前景,前途;景色,视野 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
23 sleet | |
n.雨雪;v.下雨雪,下冰雹 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
24 legacy | |
n.遗产,遗赠;先人(或过去)留下的东西 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
25 veranda | |
n.走廊;阳台 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
26 mercurial | |
adj.善变的,活泼的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
27 erratic | |
adj.古怪的,反复无常的,不稳定的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
28 rectify | |
v.订正,矫正,改正 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
29 nun | |
n.修女,尼姑 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
30 anguish | |
n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦,烦恼 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
31 valiant | |
adj.勇敢的,英勇的;n.勇士,勇敢的人 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
32 drawn | |
v.拖,拉,拔出;adj.憔悴的,紧张的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
33 tugged | |
v.用力拉,使劲拉,猛扯( tug的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
34 seedling | |
n.秧苗,树苗 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
35 entirely | |
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
36 guardian | |
n.监护人;守卫者,保护者 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
37 rime | |
n.白霜;v.使蒙霜 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
38 penance | |
n.(赎罪的)惩罪 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
39 lavish | |
adj.无节制的;浪费的;vt.慷慨地给予,挥霍 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
40 intimidate | |
vt.恐吓,威胁 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
41 provincial | |
adj.省的,地方的;n.外省人,乡下人 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
42 puckered | |
v.(使某物)起褶子或皱纹( pucker的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
43 dwelling | |
n.住宅,住所,寓所 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
44 unbearable | |
adj.不能容忍的;忍受不住的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
45 docile | |
adj.驯服的,易控制的,容易教的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
46 remarkably | |
ad.不同寻常地,相当地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
47 mansion | |
n.大厦,大楼;宅第 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
48 gratuitous | |
adj.无偿的,免费的;无缘无故的,不必要的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
49 contented | |
adj.满意的,安心的,知足的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
50 eminent | |
adj.显赫的,杰出的,有名的,优良的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
51 lodge | |
v.临时住宿,寄宿,寄存,容纳;n.传达室,小旅馆 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
52 retinue | |
n.侍从;随员 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
53 mere | |
adj.纯粹的;仅仅,只不过 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
54 seasonal | |
adj.季节的,季节性的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
55 scented | |
adj.有香味的;洒香水的;有气味的v.嗅到(scent的过去分词) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
56 scent | |
n.气味,香味,香水,线索,嗅觉;v.嗅,发觉 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
57 vaguely | |
adv.含糊地,暖昧地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
58 apprehensive | |
adj.担心的,恐惧的,善于领会的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
59 scampering | |
v.蹦蹦跳跳地跑,惊惶奔跑( scamper的现在分词 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
60 dignified | |
a.可敬的,高贵的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
61 ridge | |
n.山脊;鼻梁;分水岭 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
62 lute | |
n.琵琶,鲁特琴 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
63 accomplishments | |
n.造诣;完成( accomplishment的名词复数 );技能;成绩;成就 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
64 varied | |
adj.多样的,多变化的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
65 chapel | |
n.小教堂,殡仪馆 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
66 gallant | |
adj.英勇的,豪侠的;(向女人)献殷勤的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
67 chilly | |
adj.凉快的,寒冷的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
68 obsequiously | |
参考例句: |
|
|
69 deferential | |
adj. 敬意的,恭敬的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
70 inquiry | |
n.打听,询问,调查,查问 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
71 retired | |
adj.隐退的,退休的,退役的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
72 briefly | |
adv.简单地,简短地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
73 judgment | |
n.审判;判断力,识别力,看法,意见 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
74 meditation | |
n.熟虑,(尤指宗教的)默想,沉思,(pl.)冥想录 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
75 deferred | |
adj.延期的,缓召的v.拖延,延缓,推迟( defer的过去式和过去分词 );服从某人的意愿,遵从 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
76 attentive | |
adj.注意的,专心的;关心(别人)的,殷勤的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
77 chancellor | |
n.(英)大臣;法官;(德、奥)总理;大学校长 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
78 omens | |
n.前兆,预兆( omen的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
79 celestial | |
adj.天体的;天上的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
80 portentous | |
adj.不祥的,可怕的,装腔作势的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
81 disquiet | |
n.担心,焦虑 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
82 penances | |
n.(赎罪的)苦行,苦修( penance的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
83 negligence | |
n.疏忽,玩忽,粗心大意 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
84 protocol | |
n.议定书,草约,会谈记录,外交礼节 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
85 repose | |
v.(使)休息;n.安息 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
86 morsel | |
n.一口,一点点 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
87 gratitude | |
adj.感激,感谢 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
88 spoke | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
89 benevolence | |
n.慈悲,捐助 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
90 indirectly | |
adv.间接地,不直接了当地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
91 sage | |
n.圣人,哲人;adj.贤明的,明智的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
92 sages | |
n.圣人( sage的名词复数 );智者;哲人;鼠尾草(可用作调料) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
93 extravagant | |
adj.奢侈的;过分的;(言行等)放肆的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
94 wasteful | |
adj.(造成)浪费的,挥霍的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
95 mendicant | |
n.乞丐;adj.行乞的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
96 crest | |
n.顶点;饰章;羽冠;vt.达到顶点;vi.形成浪尖 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
97 rites | |
仪式,典礼( rite的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
98 bishop | |
n.主教,(国际象棋)象 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
99 vows | |
誓言( vow的名词复数 ); 郑重宣布,许愿 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
100 seclusion | |
n.隐遁,隔离 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
101 broach | |
v.开瓶,提出(题目) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
102 majesty | |
n.雄伟,壮丽,庄严,威严;最高权威,王权 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
103 dilemma | |
n.困境,进退两难的局面 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
104 grudge | |
n.不满,怨恨,妒嫉;vt.勉强给,不情愿做 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
105 humbly | |
adv. 恭顺地,谦卑地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
106 astounding | |
adj.使人震惊的vt.使震惊,使大吃一惊astound的现在分词) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
107 offense | |
n.犯规,违法行为;冒犯,得罪 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
108 reverence | |
n.敬畏,尊敬,尊严;Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称;v.尊敬,敬畏,崇敬 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
109 concealed | |
a.隐藏的,隐蔽的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
110 awe | |
n.敬畏,惊惧;vt.使敬畏,使惊惧 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
111 portents | |
n.预兆( portent的名词复数 );征兆;怪事;奇物 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
112 abeyance | |
n.搁置,缓办,中止,产权未定 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
113 perfectly | |
adv.完美地,无可非议地,彻底地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
114 discretion | |
n.谨慎;随意处理 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
115 turmoil | |
n.骚乱,混乱,动乱 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
116 toil | |
vi.辛劳工作,艰难地行动;n.苦工,难事 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
117 solitary | |
adj.孤独的,独立的,荒凉的;n.隐士 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
118 inquiries | |
n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 );疑问;探究;打听 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
119 surmised | |
v.臆测,推断( surmise的过去式和过去分词 );揣测;猜想 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
120 respite | |
n.休息,中止,暂缓 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
121 destined | |
adj.命中注定的;(for)以…为目的地的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
122 joint | |
adj.联合的,共同的;n.关节,接合处;v.连接,贴合 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
123 radical | |
n.激进份子,原子团,根号;adj.根本的,激进的,彻底的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
124 reigns | |
n.君主的统治( reign的名词复数 );君主统治时期;任期;当政期 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
125 upheavals | |
突然的巨变( upheaval的名词复数 ); 大动荡; 大变动; 胀起 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
126 precedents | |
引用单元; 范例( precedent的名词复数 ); 先前出现的事例; 前例; 先例 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
127 austere | |
adj.艰苦的;朴素的,朴实无华的;严峻的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
128 subdued | |
adj. 屈服的,柔和的,减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
129 extraordinarily | |
adv.格外地;极端地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
130 awed | |
adj.充满敬畏的,表示敬畏的v.使敬畏,使惊惧( awe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
131 displeasing | |
不愉快的,令人发火的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
132 astute | |
adj.机敏的,精明的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
133 diligently | |
ad.industriously;carefully | |
参考例句: |
|
|
134 relinquishing | |
交出,让给( relinquish的现在分词 ); 放弃 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
135 emphatic | |
adj.强调的,着重的;无可置疑的,明显的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
136 opposition | |
n.反对,敌对 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
137 coveted | |
adj.令人垂涎的;垂涎的,梦寐以求的v.贪求,觊觎(covet的过去分词);垂涎;贪图 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
138 adamant | |
adj.坚硬的,固执的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
139 inclinations | |
倾向( inclination的名词复数 ); 倾斜; 爱好; 斜坡 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
140 valid | |
adj.有确实根据的;有效的;正当的,合法的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
141 guilt | |
n.犯罪;内疚;过失,罪责 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
142 tenor | |
n.男高音(歌手),次中音(乐器),要旨,大意 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
143 longing | |
n.(for)渴望 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
144 softened | |
(使)变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 ); 缓解打击; 缓和; 安慰 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
145 undone | |
a.未做完的,未完成的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
146 shrine | |
n.圣地,神龛,庙;v.将...置于神龛内,把...奉为神圣 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
147 touching | |
adj.动人的,使人感伤的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
148 delicacy | |
n.精致,细微,微妙,精良;美味,佳肴 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
149 impulsiveness | |
n.冲动 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
150 outrageous | |
adj.无理的,令人不能容忍的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
151 amiable | |
adj.和蔼可亲的,友善的,亲切的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
152 mutual | |
adj.相互的,彼此的;共同的,共有的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
153 impatience | |
n.不耐烦,急躁 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
154 groves | |
树丛,小树林( grove的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
155 hue | |
n.色度;色调;样子 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
156 hesitation | |
n.犹豫,踌躇 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
157 fleeting | |
adj.短暂的,飞逝的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
158 logic | |
n.逻辑(学);逻辑性 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
159 intrusive | |
adj.打搅的;侵扰的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
160 elegance | |
n.优雅;优美,雅致;精致,巧妙 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
161 displeased | |
a.不快的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
162 shutters | |
百叶窗( shutter的名词复数 ); (照相机的)快门 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
163 willow | |
n.柳树 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
164 desultory | |
adj.散漫的,无方法的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
165 poetic | |
adj.富有诗意的,有诗人气质的,善于抒情的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
166 robustness | |
坚固性,健壮性;鲁棒性 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
167 fatigue | |
n.疲劳,劳累 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
168 recluse | |
n.隐居者 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
169 constricted | |
adj.抑制的,约束的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
170 abode | |
n.住处,住所 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
171 haughty | |
adj.傲慢的,高傲的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
172 melancholy | |
n.忧郁,愁思;adj.令人感伤(沮丧)的,忧郁的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
173 contradictory | |
adj.反驳的,反对的,抗辩的;n.正反对,矛盾对立 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
174 consolation | |
n.安慰,慰问 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
175 cormorant | |
n.鸬鹚,贪婪的人 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
欢迎访问英文小说网 |