How Gargantua’s wonderful understanding became known to his father Grangousier, by the invention of a torchecul or wipebreech.
About the end of the fifth year, Grangousier returning from the conquest of the Canarians, went by the way to see his son Gargantua. There was he filled with joy, as such a father might be at the sight of such a child of his: and whilst he kissed and embraced him, he asked many childish questions of him about divers1 matters, and drank very freely with him and with his governesses, of whom in great earnest he asked, amongst other things, whether they had been careful to keep him clean and sweet. To this Gargantua answered, that he had taken such a course for that himself, that in all the country there was not to be found a cleanlier boy than he. How is that? said Grangousier. I have, answered Gargantua, by a long and curious experience, found out a means to wipe my bum2, the most lordly, the most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen. What is that? said Grangousier, how is it? I will tell you by-and-by, said Gargantua. Once I did wipe me with a gentle-woman’s velvet3 mask, and found it to be good; for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous4 and pleasant to my fundament. Another time with one of their hoods5, and in like manner that was comfortable. At another time with a lady’s neckerchief, and after that I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson6 satin, but there was such a number of golden spangles in them (turdy round things, a pox take them) that they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance7. Now I wish St. Antony’s fire burn the bum-gut of the goldsmith that made them, and of her that wore them! This hurt I cured by wiping myself with a page’s cap, garnished8 with a feather after the Switzers’ fashion.
Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-cat, and with it I wiped my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they scratched and exulcerated all my perinee. Of this I recovered the next morning thereafter, by wiping myself with my mother’s gloves, of a most excellent perfume and scent9 of the Arabian Benin. After that I wiped me with sage10, with fennel, with anet, with marjoram, with roses, with gourd-leaves, with beets11, with colewort, with leaves of the vine-tree, with mallows, wool-blade, which is a tail-scarlet, with lettuce12, and with spinach13 leaves. All this did very great good to my leg. Then with mercury, with parsley, with nettles14, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody15 flux16 of Lombardy, which I healed by wiping me with my braguette. Then I wiped my tail in the sheets, in the coverlet, in the curtains, with a cushion, with arras hangings, with a green carpet, with a table-cloth, with a napkin, with a handkerchief, with a combing-cloth; in all which I found more pleasure than do the mangy dogs when you rub them. Yea, but, said Grangousier, which torchecul did you find to be the best? I was coming to it, said Gargantua, and by-and-by shall you hear the tu autem, and know the whole mystery and knot of the matter. I wiped myself with hay, with straw, with thatch-rushes, with flax, with wool, with paper, but,
Who his foul17 tail with paper wipes,
Shall at his ballocks leave some chips.
What, said Grangousier, my little rogue18, hast thou been at the pot, that thou dost rhyme already? Yes, yes, my lord the king, answered Gargantua, I can rhyme gallantly19, and rhyme till I become hoarse20 with rheum. Hark, what our privy21 says to the skiters:
Shittard,
Squirtard,
Crackard,
Turdous,
Thy bung
Hath flung
Some dung
On us:
Filthard,
Cackard,
Stinkard,
St. Antony’s fire seize on thy toane (bone?),
If thy
Dirty
Dounby
Thou do not wipe, ere thou be gone.
Will you have any more of it? Yes, yes, answered Grangousier. Then, said Gargantua,
A Roundelay.
In shitting yes’day I did know
The sess I to my arse did owe:
The smell was such came from that slunk,
That I was with it all bestunk:
O had but then some brave Signor
Brought her to me I waited for,
In shitting!
I would have cleft22 her watergap,
And join’d it close to my flipflap,
Whilst she had with her fingers guarded
My foul nockandrow, all bemerded
In shitting.
Now say that I can do nothing! By the Merdi, they are not of my making, but I heard them of this good old grandam, that you see here, and ever since have retained them in the budget of my memory.
Let us return to our purpose, said Grangousier. What, said Gargantua, to skite? No, said Grangousier, but to wipe our tail. But, said Gargantua, will not you be content to pay a puncheon of Breton wine, if I do not blank and gravel23 you in this matter, and put you to a non-plus? Yes, truly, said Grangousier.
There is no need of wiping one’s tail, said Gargantua, but when it is foul; foul it cannot be, unless one have been a-skiting; skite then we must before we wipe our tails. O my pretty little waggish24 boy, said Grangousier, what an excellent wit thou hast? I will make thee very shortly proceed doctor in the jovial25 quirks26 of gay learning, and that, by G—, for thou hast more wit than age. Now, I prithee, go on in this torcheculative, or wipe-bummatory discourse27, and by my beard I swear, for one puncheon, thou shalt have threescore pipes, I mean of the good Breton wine, not that which grows in Britain, but in the good country of Verron. Afterwards I wiped my bum, said Gargantua, with a kerchief, with a pillow, with a pantoufle, with a pouch28, with a pannier, but that was a wicked and unpleasant torchecul; then with a hat. Of hats, note that some are shorn, and others shaggy, some velveted29, others covered with taffeties, and others with satin. The best of all these is the shaggy hat, for it makes a very neat abstersion of the fecal matter.
Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a calf’s skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant30, with an attorney’s bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer’s lure31. But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby32 feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their asphodel, ambrosia33, or nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in this, according to my judgment34, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of Master John of Scotland, alias35 Scotus.
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1
divers
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| adj.不同的；种种的 | |
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bum
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| n.臀部；流浪汉，乞丐；vt.乞求，乞讨 | |
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3
velvet
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| n.丝绒，天鹅绒；adj.丝绒制的，柔软的 | |
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4
voluptuous
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| adj.肉欲的，骄奢淫逸的 | |
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5
hoods
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| n.兜帽( hood的名词复数 )；头巾；（汽车、童车等的）折合式车篷；汽车发动机罩v.兜帽( hood的第三人称单数 )；头巾；（汽车、童车等的）折合式车篷；汽车发动机罩 | |
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6
crimson
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| n./adj.深(绯)红色(的)；vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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7
vengeance
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| n.报复，报仇，复仇 | |
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8
garnished
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| v.给（上餐桌的食物）加装饰( garnish的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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9
scent
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| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
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10
sage
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| n.圣人，哲人；adj.贤明的，明智的 | |
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11
beets
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| 甜菜( beet的名词复数 )； 甜菜根； （因愤怒、难堪或觉得热而）脸红 | |
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12
lettuce
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| n.莴苣；生菜 | |
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13
spinach
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| n.菠菜 | |
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14
nettles
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| n.荨麻( nettle的名词复数 ) | |
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15
bloody
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| adj.非常的的；流血的；残忍的；adv.很；vt.血染 | |
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16
flux
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| n.流动；不断的改变 | |
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17
foul
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| adj.污秽的；邪恶的；v.弄脏；妨害；犯规；n.犯规 | |
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18
rogue
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| n.流氓；v.游手好闲 | |
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19
gallantly
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| adv. 漂亮地，勇敢地，献殷勤地 | |
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20
hoarse
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| adj.嘶哑的，沙哑的 | |
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21
privy
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| adj.私用的；隐密的 | |
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22
cleft
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| n.裂缝；adj.裂开的 | |
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23
gravel
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| n.砂跞；砂砾层；结石 | |
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24
waggish
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| adj.诙谐的，滑稽的 | |
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25
jovial
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| adj.快乐的，好交际的 | |
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26
quirks
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| n.奇事，巧合( quirk的名词复数 )；怪癖 | |
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27
discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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28
pouch
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| n.小袋，小包，囊状袋；vt.装...入袋中，用袋运输；vi.用袋送信件 | |
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29
velveted
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| 穿着天鹅绒的，天鹅绒覆盖的 | |
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30
cormorant
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| n.鸬鹚，贪婪的人 | |
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31
lure
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| n.吸引人的东西，诱惑物；vt.引诱，吸引 | |
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32
thereby
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| adv.因此，从而 | |
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33
ambrosia
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| n.神的食物；蜂食 | |
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34
judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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35
alias
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| n.化名；别名；adv.又名 | |
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