Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge.
Panurge was of a middle stature1, not too high nor too low, and had somewhat an aquiline2 nose, made like the handle of a razor. He was at that time five and thirty years old or thereabouts, fine to gild3 like a leaden dagger4 — for he was a notable cheater and coney-catcher — he was a very gallant5 and proper man of his person, only that he was a little lecherous7, and naturally subject to a kind of disease which at that time they called lack of money — it is an incomparable grief, yet, notwithstanding, he had three score and three tricks to come by it at his need, of which the most honourable8 and most ordinary was in manner of thieving, secret purloining9 and filching10, for he was a wicked lewd11 rogue12, a cozener13, drinker, roister, rover, and a very dissolute and debauched fellow, if there were any in Paris; otherwise, and in all matters else, the best and most virtuous14 man in the world; and he was still contriving15 some plot, and devising mischief16 against the sergeants17 and the watch.
At one time he assembled three or four especial good hacksters and roaring boys, made them in the evening drink like Templars, afterwards led them till they came under St. Genevieve, or about the college of Navarre, and, at the hour that the watch was coming up that way — which he knew by putting his sword upon the pavement, and his ear by it, and, when he heard his sword shake, it was an infallible sign that the watch was near at that instant — then he and his companions took a tumbrel or dung-cart, and gave it the brangle, hurling18 it with all their force down the hill, and so overthrew19 all the poor watchmen like pigs, and then ran away upon the other side; for in less than two days he knew all the streets, lanes, and turnings in Paris as well as his Deus det.
At another time he made in some fair place, where the said watch was to pass, a train of gunpowder20, and, at the very instant that they went along, set fire to it, and then made himself sport to see what good grace they had in running away, thinking that St. Anthony’s fire had caught them by the legs. As for the poor masters of arts, he did persecute21 them above all others. When he encountered with any of them upon the street, he would not never fail to put some trick or other upon them, sometimes putting the bit of a fried turd in their graduate hoods22, at other times pinning on little foxtails or hares’-ears behind them, or some such other roguish prank24. One day that they were appointed all to meet in the Fodder25 Street (Sorbonne), he made a Borbonesa tart26, or filthy27 and slovenly28 compound, made of store of garlic, of assafoetida, of castoreum, of dogs’ turds very warm, which he steeped, tempered, and liquefied in the corrupt29 matter of pocky boils and pestiferous botches; and, very early in the morning therewith anointed all the pavement, in such sort that the devil could not have endured it, which made all these good people there to lay up their gorges30, and vomit31 what was upon their stomachs before all the world, as if they had flayed32 the fox; and ten or twelve of them died of the plague, fourteen became lepers, eighteen grew lousy, and about seven and twenty had the pox, but he did not care a button for it. He commonly carried a whip under his gown, wherewith he whipped without remission the pages whom he found carrying wine to their masters, to make them mend their pace. In his coat he had above six and twenty little fobs and pockets always full; one with some lead-water, and a little knife as sharp as a glover’s needle, wherewith he used to cut purses; another with some kind of bitter stuff, which he threw into the eyes of those he met; another with clotburrs, penned with little geese’ or capon’s feathers, which he cast upon the gowns and caps of honest people, and often made them fair horns, which they wore about all the city, sometimes all their life. Very often, also, upon the women’s French hoods would he stick in the hind23 part somewhat made in the shape of a man’s member. In another, he had a great many little horns full of fleas33 and lice, which he borrowed from the beggars of St. Innocent, and cast them with small canes34 or quills35 to write with into the necks of the daintiest gentlewomen that he could find, yea, even in the church, for he never seated himself above in the choir36, but always sat in the body of the church amongst the women, both at mass, at vespers, and at sermon. In another, he used to have good store of hooks and buckles37, wherewith he would couple men and women together that sat in company close to one another, but especially those that wore gowns of crimson38 taffeties, that, when they were about to go away, they might rend39 all their gowns. In another, he had a squib furnished with tinder, matches, stones to strike fire, and all other tackling necessary for it. In another, two or three burning glasses, wherewith he made both men and women sometimes mad, and in the church put them quite out of countenance41; for he said that there was but an antistrophe, or little more difference than of a literal inversion42, between a woman folle a la messe and molle a la fesse, that is, foolish at the mass and of a pliant43 buttock.
In another, he had a good deal of needles and thread, wherewith he did a thousand little devilish pranks44. One time, at the entry of the palace unto the great hall, where a certain grey friar or cordelier was to say mass to the counsellors, he did help to apparel him and put on his vestments, but in the accoutring of him he sewed on his alb, surplice, or stole, to his gown and shirt, and then withdrew himself when the said lords of the court or counsellors came to hear the said mass; but when it came to the Ite, missa est, that the poor frater would have laid by his stole or surplice, as the fashion then was, he plucked off withal both his frock and shirt, which were well sewed together, and thereby45 stripping himself up to the very shoulders showed his bel vedere to all the world, together with his Don Cypriano, which was no small one, as you may imagine. And the friar still kept haling, but so much the more did he discover himself and lay open his back parts, till one of the lords of the court said, How now! what’s the matter? Will this fair father make us here an offering of his tail to kiss it? Nay46, St. Anthony’s fire kiss it for us! From thenceforth it was ordained47 that the poor fathers should never disrobe themselves any more before the world, but in their vestry-room, or sextry, as they call it; especially in the presence of women, lest it should tempt48 them to the sin of longing49 and disordinate desire. The people then asked why it was the friars had so long and large genitories? The said Panurge resolved the problem very neatly50, saying, That which makes asses40 to have such great ears is that their dams did put no biggins on their heads, as Alliaco mentioneth in his Suppositions. By the like reason, that which makes the genitories or generation-tools of those so fair fraters so long is, for that they wear no bottomed breeches, and therefore their jolly member, having no impediment, hangeth dangling51 at liberty as far as it can reach, with a wiggle-waggle down to their knees, as women carry their paternoster beads52. and the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great is, that in this constant wig-wagging the humours of the body descend53 into the said member. For, according to the Legists, agitation54 and continual motion is cause of attraction.
Item, he had another pocket full of itching55 powder, called stone-alum, whereof he would cast some into the backs of those women whom he judged to be most beautiful and stately, which did so ticklishly56 gall6 them, that some would strip themselves in the open view of the world, and others dance like a cock upon hot embers, or a drumstick on a tabor. Others, again, ran about the streets, and he would run after them. To such as were in the stripping vein57 he would very civilly come to offer his attendance, and cover them with his cloak, like a courteous58 and very gracious man.
Item, in another he had a little leather bottle full of old oil, wherewith, when he saw any man or woman in a rich new handsome suit, he would grease, smutch, and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pretence59 of touching60 them, saying, This is good cloth; this is good satin; good taffeties! Madam, God give you all that your noble heart desireth! You have a new suit, pretty sir;— and you a new gown, sweet mistress;— God give you joy of it, and maintain you in all prosperity! And with this would lay his hand upon their shoulder, at which touch such a villainous spot was left behind, so enormously engraven to perpetuity in the very soul, body, and reputation, that the devil himself could never have taken it away. Then, upon his departing, he would say, Madam, take heed61 you do not fall, for there is a filthy great hole before you, whereinto if you put your foot, you will quite spoil yourself.
Another he had all full of euphorbium, very finely pulverized62. In that powder did he lay a fair handkerchief curiously63 wrought64, which he had stolen from a pretty seamstress of the palace, in taking away a louse from off her bosom65 which he had put there himself, and, when he came into the company of some good ladies, he would trifle them into a discourse66 of some fine workmanship of bone-lace, then immediately put his hand into their bosom, asking them, And this work, is it of Flanders, or of Hainault? and then drew out his handkerchief, and said, Hold, hold, look what work here is, it is of Foutignan or of Fontarabia, and shaking it hard at their nose, made them sneeze for four hours without ceasing. In the meanwhile he would fart like a horse, and the women would laugh and say, How now, do you fart, Panurge? No, no, madam, said he, I do but tune67 my tail to the plain song of the music which you make with your nose. In another he had a picklock, a pelican68, a crampiron, a crook69, and some other iron tools, wherewith there was no door nor coffer which he would not pick open. He had another full of little cups, wherewith he played very artificially, for he had his fingers made to his hand, like those of Minerva or Arachne, and had heretofore cried treacle70. And when he changed a teston, cardecu, or any other piece of money, the changer had been more subtle than a fox if Panurge had not at every time made five or six sols (that is, some six or seven pence,) vanish away invisibly, openly, and manifestly, without making any hurt or lesion, whereof the changer should have felt nothing but the wind.
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1
stature
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| n.（高度）水平，（高度）境界，身高，身材 | |
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aquiline
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| adj.钩状的，鹰的 | |
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gild
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| vt.给…镀金，把…漆成金色，使呈金色 | |
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dagger
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| n.匕首，短剑，剑号 | |
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gallant
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| adj.英勇的，豪侠的；(向女人)献殷勤的 | |
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gall
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| v.使烦恼，使焦躁，难堪；n.磨难 | |
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lecherous
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| adj.好色的；淫邪的 | |
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honourable
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| adj.可敬的；荣誉的，光荣的 | |
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purloining
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| v.偷窃( purloin的现在分词 ) | |
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filching
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| v.偷（尤指小的或不贵重的物品）( filch的现在分词 ) | |
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lewd
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| adj.淫荡的 | |
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rogue
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| n.流氓；v.游手好闲 | |
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cozener
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| n.烈酒 | |
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virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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contriving
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| （不顾困难地）促成某事( contrive的现在分词 )； 巧妙地策划，精巧地制造（如机器）； 设法做到 | |
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mischief
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| n.损害，伤害，危害；恶作剧，捣蛋，胡闹 | |
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sergeants
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| 警官( sergeant的名词复数 )； （美国警察）警佐； （英国警察）巡佐； 陆军（或空军）中士 | |
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hurling
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| n.爱尔兰式曲棍球v.猛投，用力掷( hurl的现在分词 )；大声叫骂 | |
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overthrew
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| overthrow的过去式 | |
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gunpowder
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| n.火药 | |
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persecute
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| vt.迫害，虐待；纠缠，骚扰 | |
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hoods
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| n.兜帽( hood的名词复数 )；头巾；（汽车、童车等的）折合式车篷；汽车发动机罩v.兜帽( hood的第三人称单数 )；头巾；（汽车、童车等的）折合式车篷；汽车发动机罩 | |
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hind
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| adj.后面的，后部的 | |
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prank
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| n.开玩笑，恶作剧；v.装饰；打扮；炫耀自己 | |
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fodder
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| n.草料；炮灰 | |
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tart
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| adj.酸的；尖酸的，刻薄的；n.果馅饼；淫妇 | |
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filthy
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| adj.卑劣的；恶劣的，肮脏的 | |
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slovenly
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| adj.懒散的，不整齐的，邋遢的 | |
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corrupt
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| v.贿赂，收买；adj.腐败的，贪污的 | |
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gorges
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| n.山峡，峡谷( gorge的名词复数 )；咽喉v.（用食物把自己）塞饱，填饱( gorge的第三人称单数 )；作呕 | |
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31
vomit
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| v.呕吐，作呕；n.呕吐物，吐出物 | |
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32
flayed
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| v.痛打( flay的过去式和过去分词 )；把…打得皮开肉绽；剥（通常指动物）的皮；严厉批评 | |
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33
fleas
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| n.跳蚤( flea的名词复数 )；爱财如命；没好气地（拒绝某人的要求） | |
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canes
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| n.（某些植物，如竹或甘蔗的）茎( cane的名词复数 )；（用于制作家具等的）竹竿；竹杖 | |
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quills
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| n.（刺猬或豪猪的）刺( quill的名词复数 )；羽毛管；翮；纡管 | |
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choir
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| n.唱诗班，唱诗班的席位，合唱团，舞蹈团；v.合唱 | |
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buckles
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| 搭扣，扣环( buckle的名词复数 ) | |
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crimson
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| n./adj.深(绯)红色(的)；vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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rend
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| vt.把…撕开，割裂；把…揪下来，强行夺取 | |
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asses
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| n. 驴，愚蠢的人，臀部 adv. (常用作后置)用于贬损或骂人 | |
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41
countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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inversion
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| n.反向，倒转，倒置 | |
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pliant
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| adj.顺从的；可弯曲的 | |
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pranks
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| n.玩笑，恶作剧( prank的名词复数 ) | |
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thereby
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| adv.因此，从而 | |
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nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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ordained
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| v.任命（某人）为牧师( ordain的过去式和过去分词 )；授予（某人）圣职；（上帝、法律等）命令；判定 | |
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tempt
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| vt.引诱，勾引，吸引，引起…的兴趣 | |
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49
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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neatly
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| adv.整洁地，干净地，灵巧地，熟练地 | |
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dangling
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| 悬吊着( dangle的现在分词 )； 摆动不定； 用某事物诱惑…； 吊胃口 | |
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52
beads
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| n.（空心）小珠子( bead的名词复数 )；水珠；珠子项链 | |
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53
descend
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| vt./vi.传下来，下来，下降 | |
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54
agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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itching
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| adj.贪得的，痒的，渴望的v.发痒( itch的现在分词 ) | |
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ticklishly
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| adv.怕痒地 | |
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vein
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| n.血管，静脉；叶脉，纹理；情绪；vt.使成脉络 | |
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courteous
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| adj.彬彬有礼的，客气的 | |
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pretence
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| n.假装，作假；借口，口实；虚伪；虚饰 | |
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touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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heed
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| v.注意，留意；n.注意，留心 | |
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pulverized
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| adj.[医]雾化的，粉末状的v.将…弄碎( pulverize的过去式和过去分词 )；将…弄成粉末或尘埃；摧毁；粉碎 | |
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curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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wrought
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| v.引起；以…原料制作；运转；adj.制造的 | |
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bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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tune
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| n.调子；和谐，协调；v.调音，调节，调整 | |
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pelican
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| n.鹈鹕，伽蓝鸟 | |
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crook
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| v.使弯曲；n.小偷，骗子，贼；弯曲(处) | |
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treacle
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| n.糖蜜 | |
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