A continuation of the miracles caused by the decretals.
Wisely, brother Timothy, quoth Panurge, did am, did am; he says blew; but, for my part, I believe as little of it as I can. For one day by chance I happened to read a chapter of them at Poictiers, at the most decretalipotent Scotch1 doctor’s, and old Nick turn me into bumfodder, if this did not make me so hide-bound and costive, that for four or five days I hardly scumbered one poor butt2 of sir-reverence; and that, too, was full as dry and hard, I protest, as Catullus tells us were those of his neighbour Furius:
Nec toto decies cacas in anno,
Atque id durius est faba, et lapillis:
Quod tu si manibus teras, fricesque,
Non unquam digitum inquinare posses.
Oh, ho! cried Homenas; by’r lady, it may be you were then in the state of mortal sin, my friend. Well turned, cried Panurge; this was a new strain, egad.
One day, said Friar John, at Seuille, I had applied3 to my posteriors, by way of hind-towel, a leaf of an old Clementinae which our rent-gatherer, John Guimard, had thrown out into the green of our cloister4. Now the devil broil5 me like a black pudding, if I wasn’t so abominably6 plagued with chaps, chawns, and piles at the fundament, that the orifice of my poor nockandroe was in a most woeful pickle7 for I don’t know how long. By’r our lady, cried Homenas, it was a plain punishment of God for the sin that you had committed in beraying that sacred book, which you ought rather to have kissed and adored; I say with an adoration8 of latria, or of hyperdulia at least. The Panormitan never told a lie in the matter.
Saith Ponocrates: At Montpelier, John Chouart having bought of the monks10 of St. Olary a delicate set of decretals, written on fine large parchment of Lamballe, to beat gold between the leaves, not so much as a piece that was beaten in them came to good, but all were dilacerated and spoiled. Mark this! cried Homenas; ’twas a divine punishment and vengeance11.
At Mans, said Eudemon, Francis Cornu, apothecary12, had turned an old set of Extravagantes into waste paper. May I never stir, if whatever was lapped up in them was not immediately corrupted13, rotten, and spoiled; incense14, pepper, cloves15, cinnamon, saffron, wax, cassia, rhubarb, tamarinds, all drugs and spices, were lost without exception. Mark, mark, quoth Homenas, an effect of divine justice! This comes of putting the sacred Scriptures17 to such profane18 uses.
At Paris, said Carpalin, Snip19 Groignet the tailor had turned an old Clementinae into patterns and measures, and all the clothes that were cut on them were utterly20 spoiled and lost; gowns, hoods22, cloaks, cassocks, jerkins, jackets, waistcoats, capes23, doublets, petticoats, corps25 de robes, farthingales, and so forth26. Snip, thinking to cut a hood21, would cut you out a codpiece; instead of a cassock he would make you a high-crowned hat; for a waistcoat he’d shape you out a rochet; on the pattern of a doublet he’d make you a thing like a frying-pan. Then his journeymen having stitched it up did jag it and pink it at the bottom, and so it looked like a pan to fry chestnuts27. Instead of a cape24 he made a buskin; for a farthingale he shaped a montero cap; and thinking to make a cloak, he’d cut out a pair of your big out-strouting Swiss breeches, with panes28 like the outside of a tabor. Insomuch that Snip was condemned29 to make good the stuffs to all his customers; and to this day poor Cabbage’s hair grows through his hood and his arse through his pocket-holes. Mark, an effect of heavenly wrath30 and vengeance! cried Homenas.
At Cahusac, said Gymnast, a match being made by the lords of Estissac and Viscount Lausun to shoot at a mark, Perotou had taken to pieces a set of decretals and set one of the leaves for the white to shoot at. Now I sell, nay31, I give and bequeath for ever and aye, the mould of my doublet to fifteen hundred hampers32 full of black devils, if ever any archer33 in the country (though they are singular marksmen in Guienne) could hit the white. Not the least bit of the holy scribble34 was contaminated or touched; nay, and Sansornin the elder, who held stakes, swore to us, figues dioures, hard figs35 (his greatest oath), that he had openly, visibly, and manifestly seen the bolt of Carquelin moving right to the round circle in the middle of the white; and that just on the point, when it was going to hit and enter, it had gone aside above seven foot and four inches wide of it towards the bakehouse.
Miracle! cried Homenas, miracle! miracle! Clerica, come wench, light, light here. Here’s to you all, gentlemen; I vow36 you seem to me very sound Christians37. While he said this, the maidens38 began to snicker at his elbow, grinning, giggling39, and twittering among themselves. Friar John began to paw, neigh, and whinny at the snout’s end, as one ready to leap, or at least to play the ass16, and get up and ride tantivy to the devil like a beggar on horseback.
Methinks, said Pantagruel, a man might have been more out of danger near the white of which Gymnast spoke40 than was formerly41 Diogenes near another. How is that? asked Homenas; what was it? Was he one of our decretalists? Rarely fallen in again, egad, said Epistemon, returning from stool; I see he will hook his decretals in, though by the head and shoulders.
Diogenes, said Pantagruel, one day for pastime went to see some archers42 that shot at butts43, one of whom was so unskilful, that when it was his turn to shoot all the bystanders went aside, lest he should mistake them for the mark. Diogenes had seen him shoot extremely wide of it; so when the other was taking aim a second time, and the people removed at a great distance to the right and left of the white, he placed himself close by the mark, holding that place to be the safest, and that so bad an archer would certainly rather hit any other.
One of the Lord d’Estissac’s pages at last found out the charm, pursued Gymnast, and by his advice Perotou put in another white made up of some papers of Pouillac’s lawsuit44, and then everyone shot cleverly.
At Landerousse, said Rhizotome, at John Delif’s wedding were very great doings, as ’twas then the custom of the country. After supper several farces45, interludes, and comical scenes were acted; they had also several morris-dancers with bells and tabors, and divers46 sorts of masks and mummers were let in. My schoolfellows and I, to grace the festival to the best of our power (for fine white and purple liveries had been given to all of us in the morning), contrived47 a merry mask with store of cockle-shells, shells of snails48, periwinkles, and such other. Then for want of cuckoo-pint, or priest-pintle, lousebur, clote, and paper, we made ourselves false faces with the leaves of an old Sextum that had been thrown by and lay there for anyone that would take it up, cutting out holes for the eyes, nose, and mouth. Now, did you ever hear the like since you were born? When we had played our little boyish antic tricks, and came to take off our sham49 faces, we appeared more hideous50 and ugly than the little devils that acted the Passion at Douay; for our faces were utterly spoiled at the places which had been touched by those leaves. One had there the small-pox; another, God’s token, or the plague-spot; a third, the crinckums; a fourth, the measles51; a fifth, botches, pushes, and carbuncles; in short, he came off the least hurt who only lost his teeth by the bargain. Miracle! bawled52 out Homenas, miracle!
Hold, hold! cried Rhizotome; it is not yet time to clap. My sister Kate and my sister Ren had put the crepines of their hoods, their ruffles53, snuffekins, and neck-ruffs new washed, starched54, and ironed, into that very book of decretals; for, you must know, it was covered with thick boards and had strong clasps. Now, by the virtue55 of God — Hold, interrupted Homenas, what god do you mean? There is but one, answered Rhizotome. In heaven, I grant, replied Homenas; but we have another here on earth, do you see? Ay, marry have we, said Rhizotome; but on my soul I protest I had quite forgot it. Well then, by the virtue of god the pope, their pinners, neck-ruffs, bib, coifs, and other linen56 turned as black as a charcoal-man’s sack. Miracle! cried Homenas. Here, Clerica, light me here; and prithee, girl, observe these rare stories. How comes it to pass then, asked Friar John, that people say,
Ever since decrees had tails,
And gendarmes57 lugged58 heavy mails,
Since each monk9 would have a horse,
All went here from bad to worse.
I understand you, answered Homenas; this is one of the quirks59 and little satires60 of the new-fangled heretics.
1 scotch | |
n.伤口,刻痕;苏格兰威士忌酒;v.粉碎,消灭,阻止;adj.苏格兰(人)的 | |
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2 butt | |
n.笑柄;烟蒂;枪托;臀部;v.用头撞或顶 | |
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3 applied | |
adj.应用的;v.应用,适用 | |
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4 cloister | |
n.修道院;v.隐退,使与世隔绝 | |
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5 broil | |
v.烤,烧,争吵,怒骂;n.烤,烧,争吵,怒骂 | |
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6 abominably | |
adv. 可恶地,可恨地,恶劣地 | |
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7 pickle | |
n.腌汁,泡菜;v.腌,泡 | |
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8 adoration | |
n.爱慕,崇拜 | |
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9 monk | |
n.和尚,僧侣,修道士 | |
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10 monks | |
n.修道士,僧侣( monk的名词复数 ) | |
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11 vengeance | |
n.报复,报仇,复仇 | |
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12 apothecary | |
n.药剂师 | |
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13 corrupted | |
(使)败坏( corrupt的过去式和过去分词 ); (使)腐化; 引起(计算机文件等的)错误; 破坏 | |
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14 incense | |
v.激怒;n.香,焚香时的烟,香气 | |
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15 cloves | |
n.丁香(热带树木的干花,形似小钉子,用作调味品,尤用作甜食的香料)( clove的名词复数 );蒜瓣(a garlic ~|a ~of garlic) | |
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16 ass | |
n.驴;傻瓜,蠢笨的人 | |
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17 scriptures | |
经文,圣典( scripture的名词复数 ); 经典 | |
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18 profane | |
adj.亵神的,亵渎的;vt.亵渎,玷污 | |
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19 snip | |
n.便宜货,廉价货,剪,剪断 | |
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20 utterly | |
adv.完全地,绝对地 | |
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21 hood | |
n.头巾,兜帽,覆盖;v.罩上,以头巾覆盖 | |
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22 hoods | |
n.兜帽( hood的名词复数 );头巾;(汽车、童车等的)折合式车篷;汽车发动机罩v.兜帽( hood的第三人称单数 );头巾;(汽车、童车等的)折合式车篷;汽车发动机罩 | |
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23 capes | |
碎谷; 斗篷( cape的名词复数 ); 披肩; 海角; 岬 | |
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24 cape | |
n.海角,岬;披肩,短披风 | |
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25 corps | |
n.(通信等兵种的)部队;(同类作的)一组 | |
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26 forth | |
adv.向前;向外,往外 | |
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27 chestnuts | |
n.栗子( chestnut的名词复数 );栗色;栗树;栗色马 | |
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28 panes | |
窗玻璃( pane的名词复数 ) | |
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29 condemned | |
adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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30 wrath | |
n.愤怒,愤慨,暴怒 | |
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31 nay | |
adv.不;n.反对票,投反对票者 | |
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32 hampers | |
妨碍,束缚,限制( hamper的第三人称单数 ) | |
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33 archer | |
n.射手,弓箭手 | |
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34 scribble | |
v.潦草地书写,乱写,滥写;n.潦草的写法,潦草写成的东西,杂文 | |
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35 figs | |
figures 数字,图形,外形 | |
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36 vow | |
n.誓(言),誓约;v.起誓,立誓 | |
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37 Christians | |
n.基督教徒( Christian的名词复数 ) | |
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38 maidens | |
处女( maiden的名词复数 ); 少女; 未婚女子; (板球运动)未得分的一轮投球 | |
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39 giggling | |
v.咯咯地笑( giggle的现在分词 ) | |
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40 spoke | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
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41 formerly | |
adv.从前,以前 | |
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42 archers | |
n.弓箭手,射箭运动员( archer的名词复数 ) | |
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43 butts | |
笑柄( butt的名词复数 ); (武器或工具的)粗大的一端; 屁股; 烟蒂 | |
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44 lawsuit | |
n.诉讼,控诉 | |
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45 farces | |
n.笑剧( farce的名词复数 );闹剧;笑剧剧目;作假的可笑场面 | |
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46 divers | |
adj.不同的;种种的 | |
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47 contrived | |
adj.不自然的,做作的;虚构的 | |
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48 snails | |
n.蜗牛;迟钝的人;蜗牛( snail的名词复数 ) | |
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49 sham | |
n./adj.假冒(的),虚伪(的) | |
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50 hideous | |
adj.丑陋的,可憎的,可怕的,恐怖的 | |
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51 measles | |
n.麻疹,风疹,包虫病,痧子 | |
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52 bawled | |
v.大叫,大喊( bawl的过去式和过去分词 );放声大哭;大声叫出;叫卖(货物) | |
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53 ruffles | |
褶裥花边( ruffle的名词复数 ) | |
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54 starched | |
adj.浆硬的,硬挺的,拘泥刻板的v.把(衣服、床单等)浆一浆( starch的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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55 virtue | |
n.德行,美德;贞操;优点;功效,效力 | |
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56 linen | |
n.亚麻布,亚麻线,亚麻制品;adj.亚麻布制的,亚麻的 | |
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57 gendarmes | |
n.宪兵,警官( gendarme的名词复数 ) | |
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58 lugged | |
vt.用力拖拉(lug的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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59 quirks | |
n.奇事,巧合( quirk的名词复数 );怪癖 | |
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60 satires | |
讽刺,讥讽( satire的名词复数 ); 讽刺作品 | |
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