How we came to the island of Sandals; and of the order of Semiquaver Friars.
Thence we went to the island of Sandals, whose inhabitants live on nothing but ling-broth. However, we were very kindly1 received and entertained by Benius the Third, king of the island, who, after he had made us drink, took us with him to show us a spick-and-span new monastery2 which he had contrived3 for the Semiquaver Friars; so he called the religious men whom he had there. For he said that on t’other side the water lived friars who styled themselves her sweet ladyship’s most humble4 servants. Item, the goodly Friar-minors, who are semibreves of bulls; the smoked-herring tribe of Minim Friars; then the Crotchet Friars. So that these diminutives5 could be no more than Semiquavers. By the statutes7, bulls, and patents of Queen Whims8, they were all dressed like so many house-burners, except that, as in Anjou your bricklayers use to quilt their knees when they tile houses, so these holy friars had usually quilted bellies9, and thick quilted paunches were among them in much repute. Their codpieces were cut slipper-fashion, and every monk10 among them wore two — one sewed before and another behind — reporting that some certain dreadful mysteries were duly represented by this duplicity of codpieces.
They wore shoes as round as basins, in imitation of those who inhabit the sandy sea. Their chins were close-shaved, and their feet iron-shod; and to show they did not value fortune, Benius made them shave and poll the hind11 part of their polls as bare as a bird’s arse, from the crown to the shoulder-blades; but they had leave to let their hair grow before, from the two triangular12 bones in the upper part of the skull13.
Thus did they not value fortune a button, and cared no more for the goods of this world than you or I do for hanging. And to show how much they defied that blind jilt, all of them wore, not in their hands like her, but at their waist, instead of beads14, sharp razors, which they used to new-grind twice a day and set thrice a night.
Each of them had a round ball on their feet, because Fortune is said to have one under hers.
The flap of their cowls hanged forward, and not backwards15, like those of others. Thus none could see their noses, and they laughed without fear both at fortune and the fortunate; neither more nor less than our ladies laugh at barefaced16 trulls when they have those mufflers on which they call masks, and which were formerly17 much more properly called charity, because they cover a multitude of sins.
The hind part of their faces were always uncovered, as are our faces, which made them either go with their belly18 or the arse foremost, which they pleased. When their hind face went forwards, you would have sworn this had been their natural gait, as well on account of their round shoes as of the double codpiece, and their face behind, which was as bare as the back of my hand, and coarsely daubed over with two eyes and a mouth, such as you see on some Indian nuts. Now, if they offered to waddle19 along with their bellies forwards, you would have thought they were then playing at blindman’s buff. May I never be hanged if ’twas not a comical sight.
Their way of living was thus: about owl-light they charitably began to boot and spur one another. This being done, the least thing they did was to sleep and snore; and thus sleeping, they had barnacles on the handles of their faces, or spectacles at most.
You may swear we did not a little wonder at this odd fancy; but they satisfied us presently, telling us that the day of judgment20 is to take mankind napping; therefore, to show they did not refuse to make their personal appearance as fortune’s darlings use to do, they were always thus booted and spurred, ready to mount whenever the trumpet21 should sound.
At noon, as soon as the clock struck, they used to awake. You must know that their clock-bell, church-bells, and refectory-bells were all made according to the pontial device, that is, quilted with the finest down, and their clappers of fox-tails.
Having then made shift to get up at noon, they pulled off their boots, and those that wanted to speak with a maid, alias22 piss, pissed; those that wanted to scumber, scumbered; and those that wanted to sneeze, sneezed. But all, whether they would or no (poor gentlemen!), were obliged largely and plentifully23 to yawn; and this was their first breakfast (O rigorous statute6!). Methought ’twas very comical to observe their transactions; for, having laid their boots and spurs on a rack, they went into the cloisters24. There they curiously25 washed their hands and mouths; then sat them down on a long bench, and picked their teeth till the provost gave the signal, whistling through his fingers; then every he stretched out his jaws26 as much as he could, and they gaped27 and yawned for about half-an-hour, sometimes more, sometimes less, according as the prior judged the breakfast to be suitable to the day.
After that they went in procession, two banners being carried before them, in one of which was the picture of Virtue28, and that of Fortune in the other. The last went before, carried by a semi-quavering friar, at whose heels was another, with the shadow or image of Virtue in one hand and an holy-water sprinkle in the other — I mean of that holy mercurial29 water which Ovid describes in his Fasti. And as the preceding Semiquaver rang a handbell, this shaked the sprinkle with his fist. With that says Pantagruel, This order contradicts the rule which Tully and the academics prescribed, that Virtue ought to go before, and Fortune follow. But they told us they did as they ought, seeing their design was to breech, lash30, and bethwack Fortune.
During the processions they trilled and quavered most melodiously31 betwixt their teeth I do not know what antiphones, or chantings, by turns. For my part, ’twas all Hebrew-Greek to me, the devil a word I could pick out on’t; at last, pricking32 up my ears, and intensely listening, I perceived they only sang with the tip of theirs. Oh, what a rare harmony it was! How well ’twas tuned33 to the sound of their bells! You’ll never find these to jar, that you won’t. Pantagruel made a notable observation upon the processions; for says he, Have you seen and observed the policy of these Semiquavers? To make an end of their procession they went out at one of their church doors and came in at the other; they took a deal of care not to come in at the place whereat they went out. On my honour, these are a subtle sort of people, quoth Panurge; they have as much wit as three folks, two fools and a madman; they are as wise as the calf34 that ran nine miles to suck a bull, and when he came there ’twas a steer35. This subtlety36 and wisdom of theirs, cried Friar John, is borrowed from the occult philosophy. May I be gutted37 like an oyster38 if I can tell what to make on’t. Then the more ’tis to be feared, said Pantagruel; for subtlety suspected, subtlety foreseen, subtlety found out, loses the essence and very name of subtlety, and only gains that of blockishness. They are not such fools as you take them to be; they have more tricks than are good, I doubt.
After the procession they went sluggingly into the fratery-room, by the way of walk and healthful exercise, and there kneeled under the tables, leaning their breasts on lanterns. While they were in that posture39, in came a huge Sandal, with a pitchfork in his hand, who used to baste40, rib-roast, swaddle, and swinge them well-favouredly, as they said, and in truth treated them after a fashion. They began their meal as you end yours, with cheese, and ended it with mustard and lettuce41, as Martial42 tells us the ancients did. Afterwards a platterful of mustard was brought before every one of them, and thus they made good the proverb, After meat comes mustard.
Their diet was this:
O’ Sundays they stuffed their puddings with puddings, chitterlings, links, Bologna sausages, forced-meats, liverings, hogs’ haslets, young quails43, and teals. You must also always add cheese for the first course, and mustard for the last.
O’ Mondays they were crammed44 with peas and pork, cum commento, and interlineary glosses45.
O’ Tuesdays they used to twist store of holy-bread, cakes, buns, puffs46, lenten loaves, jumbles47, and biscuits.
O’ Wednesdays my gentlemen had fine sheep’s heads, calves’ heads, and brocks’ heads, of which there’s no want in that country.
O’ Thursdays they guzzled48 down seven sorts of porridge, not forgetting mustard.
O’ Fridays they munched49 nothing but services or sorb-apples; neither were these full ripe, as I guessed by their complexion50.
O’ Saturdays they gnawed51 bones; not that they were poor or needy52, for every mother’s son of them had a very good fat belly-benefice.
As for their drink, ’twas an antifortunal; thus they called I don’t know what sort of a liquor of the place.
When they wanted to eat or drink, they turned down the back-points or flaps of their cowls forwards below their chins, and that served ‘em instead of gorgets or slabbering-bibs.
When they had well dined, they prayed rarely all in quavers and shakes; and the rest of the day, expecting the day of judgment, they were taken up with acts of charity, and particularly —
O’ Sundays, rubbers at cuffs53.
O’ Mondays, lending each other flirts54 and fillips on the nose.
O’ Tuesdays, clapperclawing one another.
O’ Wednesdays, sniting and fly-flapping.
O’ Thursdays, worming and pumping.
O’ Saturdays, jerking and firking one another.
Such was their diet when they resided in the convent, and if the prior of the monk-house sent any of them abroad, then they were strictly56 enjoined57 neither to touch nor eat any manner of fish as long as they were on sea or rivers, and to abstain58 from all manner of flesh whenever they were at land, that everyone might be convinced that, while they enjoyed the object, they denied themselves the power, and even the desire, and were no more moved with it than the Marpesian rock.
All this was done with proper antiphones, still sung and chanted by ear, as we have already observed.
When the sun went to bed, they fairly booted and spurred each other as before, and having clapped on their barnacles e’en jogged to bed too. At midnight the Sandal came to them, and up they got, and having well whetted59 and set their razors, and been a-processioning, they clapped the tables over themselves, and like wire-drawers under their work fell to it as aforesaid.
Friar John des Entoumeures, having shrewdly observed these jolly Semiquaver Friars, and had a full account of their statutes, lost all patience, and cried out aloud: Bounce tail, and God ha’ mercy guts60; if every fool should wear a bauble61, fuel would be dear. A plague rot it, we must know how many farts go to an ounce. Would Priapus were here, as he used to be at the nocturnal festivals in Crete, that I might see him play backwards, and wriggle62 and shake to the purpose. Ay, ay, this is the world, and t’other is the country; may I never piss if this be not an antichthonian land, and our very antipodes. In Germany they pull down monasteries63 and unfrockify the monks64; here they go quite kam, and act clean contrary to others, setting new ones up, against the hair.
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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monastery
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| n.修道院，僧院，寺院 | |
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contrived
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| adj.不自然的，做作的；虚构的 | |
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4
humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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diminutives
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| n.微小( diminutive的名词复数 )；昵称，爱称 | |
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statute
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| n.成文法，法令，法规；章程，规则，条例 | |
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statutes
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| 成文法( statute的名词复数 )； 法令； 法规； 章程 | |
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WHIMS
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| 虚妄，禅病 | |
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bellies
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| n.肚子( belly的名词复数 )；腹部；（物体的）圆形或凸起部份；腹部…形的 | |
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monk
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| n.和尚，僧侣，修道士 | |
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hind
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| adj.后面的，后部的 | |
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triangular
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| adj.三角（形）的，三者间的 | |
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skull
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| n.头骨；颅骨 | |
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beads
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| n.（空心）小珠子( bead的名词复数 )；水珠；珠子项链 | |
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backwards
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| adv.往回地，向原处，倒，相反，前后倒置地 | |
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16
barefaced
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| adj.厚颜无耻的，公然的 | |
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formerly
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| adv.从前，以前 | |
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belly
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| n.肚子，腹部；(像肚子一样)鼓起的部分，膛 | |
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waddle
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| vi.摇摆地走；n.摇摆的走路(样子) | |
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judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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trumpet
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| n.喇叭，喇叭声；v.吹喇叭，吹嘘 | |
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alias
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| n.化名；别名；adv.又名 | |
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23
plentifully
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| adv. 许多地，丰饶地 | |
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cloisters
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| n.（学院、修道院、教堂等建筑的）走廊( cloister的名词复数 )；回廊；修道院的生活；隐居v.隐退，使与世隔绝( cloister的第三人称单数 ) | |
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curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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jaws
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| n.口部；嘴 | |
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gaped
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| v.目瞪口呆地凝视( gape的过去式和过去分词 )；张开，张大 | |
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28
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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mercurial
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| adj.善变的，活泼的 | |
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lash
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| v.系牢；鞭打；猛烈抨击；n.鞭打；眼睫毛 | |
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31
melodiously
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32
pricking
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| 刺，刺痕，刺痛感 | |
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33
tuned
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| adj.调谐的，已调谐的v.调音( tune的过去式和过去分词 )；调整；（给收音机、电视等）调谐；使协调 | |
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34
calf
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| n.小牛，犊，幼仔，小牛皮 | |
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35
steer
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| vt.驾驶，为…操舵；引导；vi.驾驶 | |
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36
subtlety
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| n.微妙，敏锐，精巧；微妙之处，细微的区别 | |
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37
gutted
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| adj.容易消化的v.毁坏（建筑物等）的内部( gut的过去式和过去分词 )；取出…的内脏 | |
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oyster
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| n.牡蛎；沉默寡言的人 | |
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posture
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| n.姿势，姿态，心态，态度；v.作出某种姿势 | |
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baste
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| v.殴打，公开责骂 | |
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41
lettuce
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| n.莴苣；生菜 | |
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42
martial
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| adj.战争的，军事的，尚武的，威武的 | |
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43
quails
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| 鹌鹑( quail的名词复数 )； 鹌鹑肉 | |
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crammed
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| adj.塞满的，挤满的；大口地吃；快速贪婪地吃v.把…塞满；填入；临时抱佛脚( cram的过去式) | |
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45
glosses
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| n.（页末或书后的）注释( gloss的名词复数 )；（表面的）光滑；虚假的外表；用以产生光泽的物质v.注解( gloss的第三人称单数 )；掩饰（错误）；粉饰；把…搪塞过去 | |
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46
puffs
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| n.吸( puff的名词复数 )；（烟斗或香烟的）一吸；一缕（烟、蒸汽等）；（呼吸或风的）呼v.使喷出( puff的第三人称单数 )；喷着汽（或烟）移动；吹嘘；吹捧 | |
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47
jumbles
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| 混杂( jumble的名词复数 )； （使）混乱； 使混乱； 使杂乱 | |
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48
guzzled
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| v.狂吃暴饮，大吃大喝( guzzle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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49
munched
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| v.用力咀嚼（某物），大嚼( munch的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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50
complexion
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| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
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51
gnawed
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| 咬( gnaw的过去式和过去分词 )； （长时间） 折磨某人； （使）苦恼； （长时间）危害某事物 | |
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52
needy
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| adj.贫穷的，贫困的，生活艰苦的 | |
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53
cuffs
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| n.袖口( cuff的名词复数 )v.掌打，拳打( cuff的第三人称单数 ) | |
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54
flirts
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| v.调情，打情骂俏( flirt的第三人称单数 ) | |
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55
tickling
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| 反馈，回授，自旋挠痒法 | |
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56
strictly
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| adv.严厉地，严格地；严密地 | |
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57
enjoined
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| v.命令( enjoin的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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abstain
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| v.自制，戒绝，弃权，避免 | |
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whetted
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| v.（在石头上）磨（刀、斧等）( whet的过去式和过去分词 )；引起，刺激（食欲、欲望、兴趣等） | |
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60
guts
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| v.狼吞虎咽，贪婪地吃，飞碟游戏（比赛双方每组5人，相距15码，互相掷接飞碟）；毁坏（建筑物等）的内部( gut的第三人称单数 )；取出…的内脏n.勇气( gut的名词复数 )；内脏；消化道的下段；肠 | |
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61
bauble
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| n.美观而无价值的饰物 | |
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62
wriggle
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| v./n.蠕动，扭动；蜿蜒 | |
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monasteries
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| 修道院( monastery的名词复数 ) | |
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monks
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| n.修道士，僧侣( monk的名词复数 ) | |
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