A further account of the academy. The author proposes some improvements, which are honourably1 received.
In the school of political projectors2, I was but ill entertained; the professors appearing, in my judgment3, wholly out of their senses, which is a scene that never fails to make me melancholy4. These unhappy people were proposing schemes for persuading monarchs5 to choose favourites upon the score of their wisdom, capacity, and virtue6; of teaching ministers to consult the public good; of rewarding merit, great abilities, eminent7 services; of instructing princes to know their true interest, by placing it on the same foundation with that of their people; of choosing for employments persons qualified9 to exercise them, with many other wild, impossible chimeras10, that never entered before into the heart of man to conceive; and confirmed in me the old observation, “that there is nothing so extravagant11 and irrational12, which some philosophers have not maintained for truth.”
But, however, I shall so far do justice to this part of the Academy, as to acknowledge that all of them were not so visionary. There was a most ingenious doctor, who seemed to be perfectly13 versed14 in the whole nature and system of government. This illustrious person had very usefully employed his studies, in finding out effectual remedies for all diseases and corruptions15 to which the several kinds of public administration are subject, by the vices8 or infirmities of those who govern, as well as by the licentiousness16 of those who are to obey. For instance: whereas all writers and reasoners have agreed, that there is a strict universal resemblance between the natural and the political body; can there be any thing more evident, than that the health of both must be preserved, and the diseases cured, by the same prescriptions17? It is allowed, that senates and great councils are often troubled with redundant18, ebullient19, and other peccant humours; with many diseases of the head, and more of the heart; with strong convulsions, with grievous contractions20 of the nerves and sinews in both hands, but especially the right; with spleen, flatus, vertigos, and deliriums; with scrofulous tumours21, full of fetid purulent matter; with sour frothy ructations: with canine22 appetites, and crudeness of digestion23, besides many others, needless to mention. This doctor therefore proposed, “that upon the meeting of the senate, certain physicians should attend it the three first days of their sitting, and at the close of each day’s debate feel the pulses of every senator; after which, having maturely considered and consulted upon the nature of the several maladies, and the methods of cure, they should on the fourth day return to the senate house, attended by their apothecaries24 stored with proper medicines; and before the members sat, administer to each of them lenitives, aperitives, abstersives, corrosives, restringents, palliatives, laxatives, cephalalgics, icterics, apophlegmatics, acoustics25, as their several cases required; and, according as these medicines should operate, repeat, alter, or omit them, at the next meeting.”
This project could not be of any great expense to the public; and might in my poor opinion, be of much use for the despatch26 of business, in those countries where senates have any share in the legislative27 power; beget28 unanimity29, shorten debates, open a few mouths which are now closed, and close many more which are now open; curb30 the petulancy of the young, and correct the positiveness of the old; rouse the stupid, and damp the pert.
Again: because it is a general complaint, that the favourites of princes are troubled with short and weak memories; the same doctor proposed, “that whoever attended a first minister, after having told his business, with the utmost brevity and in the plainest words, should, at his departure, give the said minister a tweak by the nose, or a kick in the belly31, or tread on his corns, or lug32 him thrice by both ears, or run a pin into his breech; or pinch his arm black and blue, to prevent forgetfulness; and at every levee day, repeat the same operation, till the business were done, or absolutely refused.”
He likewise directed, “that every senator in the great council of a nation, after he had delivered his opinion, and argued in the defence of it, should be obliged to give his vote directly contrary; because if that were done, the result would infallibly terminate in the good of the public.”
When parties in a state are violent, he offered a wonderful contrivance to reconcile them. The method is this: You take a hundred leaders of each party; you dispose them into couples of such whose heads are nearest of a size; then let two nice operators saw off the occiput of each couple at the same time, in such a manner that the brain may be equally divided. Let the occiputs, thus cut off, be interchanged, applying each to the head of his opposite party-man. It seems indeed to be a work that requires some exactness, but the professor assured us, “that if it were dexterously34 performed, the cure would be infallible.” For he argued thus: “that the two half brains being left to debate the matter between themselves within the space of one skull35, would soon come to a good understanding, and produce that moderation, as well as regularity37 of thinking, so much to be wished for in the heads of those, who imagine they come into the world only to watch and govern its motion: and as to the difference of brains, in quantity or quality, among those who are directors in faction38, the doctor assured us, from his own knowledge, that “it was a perfect trifle.”
I heard a very warm debate between two professors, about the most commodious39 and effectual ways and means of raising money, without grieving the subject. The first affirmed, “the justest method would be, to lay a certain tax upon vices and folly40; and the sum fixed41 upon every man to be rated, after the fairest manner, by a jury of his neighbours.” The second was of an opinion directly contrary; “to tax those qualities of body and mind, for which men chiefly value themselves; the rate to be more or less, according to the degrees of excelling; the decision whereof should be left entirely42 to their own breast.” The highest tax was upon men who are the greatest favourites of the other sex, and the assessments43, according to the number and nature of the favours they have received; for which, they are allowed to be their own vouchers44. Wit, valour, and politeness, were likewise proposed to be largely taxed, and collected in the same manner, by every person’s giving his own word for the quantum of what he possessed45. But as to honour, justice, wisdom, and learning, they should not be taxed at all; because they are qualifications of so singular a kind, that no man will either allow them in his neighbour or value them in himself.
The women were proposed to be taxed according to their beauty and skill in dressing46, wherein they had the same privilege with the men, to be determined47 by their own judgment. But constancy, chastity, good sense, and good nature, were not rated, because they would not bear the charge of collecting.
To keep senators in the interest of the crown, it was proposed that the members should raffle48 for employment; every man first taking an oath, and giving security, that he would vote for the court, whether he won or not; after which, the losers had, in their turn, the liberty of raffling49 upon the next vacancy50. Thus, hope and expectation would be kept alive; none would complain of broken promises, but impute51 their disappointments wholly to fortune, whose shoulders are broader and stronger than those of a ministry52.
Another professor showed me a large paper of instructions for discovering plots and conspiracies53 against the government. He advised great statesmen to examine into the diet of all suspected persons; their times of eating; upon which side they lay in bed; with which hand they wipe their posteriors; take a strict view of their excrements, and, from the colour, the odour, the taste, the consistence, the crudeness or maturity54 of digestion, form a judgment of their thoughts and designs; because men are never so serious, thoughtful, and intent, as when they are at stool, which he found by frequent experiment; for, in such conjunctures, when he used, merely as a trial, to consider which was the best way of murdering the king, his ordure would have a tincture of green; but quite different, when he thought only of raising an insurrection, or burning the metropolis55.
The whole discourse56 was written with great acuteness, containing many observations, both curious and useful for politicians; but, as I conceived, not altogether complete. This I ventured to tell the author, and offered, if he pleased, to supply him with some additions. He received my proposition with more compliance57 than is usual among writers, especially those of the projecting species, professing58 “he would be glad to receive further information.”
I told him, “that in the kingdom of Tribnia, 3 by the natives called Langdon, 4 where I had sojourned some time in my travels, the bulk of the people consist in a manner wholly of discoverers, witnesses, informers, accusers, prosecutors59, evidences, swearers, together with their several subservient60 and subaltern instruments, all under the colours, the conduct, and the pay of ministers of state, and their deputies. The plots, in that kingdom, are usually the workmanship of those persons who desire to raise their own characters of profound politicians; to restore new vigour61 to a crazy administration; to stifle62 or divert general discontents; to fill their coffers with forfeitures63; and raise, or sink the opinion of public credit, as either shall best answer their private advantage. It is first agreed and settled among them, what suspected persons shall be accused of a plot; then, effectual care is taken to secure all their letters and papers, and put the owners in chains. These papers are delivered to a set of artists, very dexterous33 in finding out the mysterious meanings of words, syllables64, and letters: for instance, they can discover a close stool, to signify a privy65 council; a flock of geese, a senate; a lame66 dog, an invader67; the plague, a standing36 army; a buzzard, a prime minister; the gout, a high priest; a gibbet, a secretary of state; a chamber68 pot, a committee of grandees69; a sieve70, a court lady; a broom, a revolution; a mouse-trap, an employment; a bottomless pit, a treasury71; a sink, a court; a cap and bells, a favourite; a broken reed, a court of justice; an empty tun, a general; a running sore, the administration. 5
“When this method fails, they have two others more effectual, which the learned among them call acrostics and anagrams. First, they can decipher all initial letters into political meanings. Thus N, shall signify a plot; B, a regiment72 of horse; L, a fleet at sea; or, secondly73, by transposing the letters of the alphabet in any suspected paper, they can lay open the deepest designs of a discontented party. So, for example, if I should say, in a letter to a friend, ‘Our brother Tom has just got the piles,’ a skilful74 decipherer would discover, that the same letters which compose that sentence, may be analysed into the following words, ‘Resist —, a plot is brought home — The tour.’ And this is the anagrammatic method.”
The professor made me great acknowledgments for communicating these observations, and promised to make honourable75 mention of me in his treatise76.
I saw nothing in this country that could invite me to a longer continuance, and began to think of returning home to England.
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honourably
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| adv.可尊敬地，光荣地，体面地 | |
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projectors
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| 电影放映机，幻灯机( projector的名词复数 ) | |
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judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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monarchs
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| 君主，帝王( monarch的名词复数 ) | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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eminent
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| adj.显赫的，杰出的，有名的，优良的 | |
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vices
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| 缺陷( vice的名词复数 )； 恶习； 不道德行为； 台钳 | |
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qualified
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| adj.合格的，有资格的，胜任的，有限制的 | |
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chimeras
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| n.（由几种动物的各部分构成的）假想的怪兽( chimera的名词复数 )；不可能实现的想法；幻想；妄想 | |
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extravagant
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| adj.奢侈的；过分的；(言行等)放肆的 | |
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irrational
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| adj.无理性的，失去理性的 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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versed
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| adj. 精通，熟练 | |
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corruptions
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| n.堕落( corruption的名词复数 )；腐化；腐败；贿赂 | |
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licentiousness
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| n.放肆，无法无天 | |
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prescriptions
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| 药( prescription的名词复数 )； 处方； 开处方； 计划 | |
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redundant
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| adj.多余的，过剩的；(食物)丰富的；被解雇的 | |
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ebullient
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| adj.兴高采烈的，奔放的 | |
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contractions
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| n.收缩( contraction的名词复数 )；缩减；缩略词；（分娩时）子宫收缩 | |
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tumours
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| 肿瘤( tumour的名词复数 ) | |
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canine
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| adj.犬的，犬科的 | |
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digestion
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| n.消化，吸收 | |
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apothecaries
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| n.药剂师，药店( apothecary的名词复数 ) | |
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acoustics
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| n.声学，(复)音响效果，音响装置 | |
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despatch
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| n./v.(dispatch)派遣；发送；n.急件；新闻报道 | |
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legislative
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| n.立法机构，立法权；adj.立法的，有立法权的 | |
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beget
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| v.引起；产生 | |
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unanimity
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| n.全体一致，一致同意 | |
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curb
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| n.场外证券市场，场外交易；vt.制止，抑制 | |
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belly
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| n.肚子，腹部；(像肚子一样)鼓起的部分，膛 | |
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lug
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| n.柄，突出部，螺帽；(英）耳朵；（俚）笨蛋；vt.拖，拉，用力拖动 | |
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dexterous
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| adj.灵敏的；灵巧的 | |
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dexterously
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| adv.巧妙地，敏捷地 | |
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skull
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| n.头骨；颅骨 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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regularity
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| n.规律性，规则性；匀称，整齐 | |
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faction
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| n.宗派，小集团；派别；派系斗争 | |
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commodious
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| adj.宽敞的；使用方便的 | |
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folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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assessments
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| n.评估( assessment的名词复数 )；评价；（应偿付金额的）估定；（为征税对财产所作的）估价 | |
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vouchers
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| n.凭证( voucher的名词复数 )；证人；证件；收据 | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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dressing
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| n.(食物)调料；包扎伤口的用品，敷料 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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raffle
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| n.废物，垃圾，抽奖售卖；v.以抽彩出售 | |
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raffling
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| v.以抽彩方式售（物）( raffle的现在分词 ) | |
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vacancy
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| n.（旅馆的）空位，空房，（职务的）空缺 | |
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impute
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| v.归咎于 | |
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ministry
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| n.(政府的)部；牧师 | |
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conspiracies
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| n.阴谋，密谋( conspiracy的名词复数 ) | |
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maturity
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| n.成熟；完成；(支票、债券等)到期 | |
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metropolis
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| n.首府；大城市 | |
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discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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compliance
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| n.顺从；服从；附和；屈从 | |
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professing
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| 声称( profess的现在分词 )； 宣称； 公开表明； 信奉 | |
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prosecutors
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| 检举人( prosecutor的名词复数 )； 告发人； 起诉人； 公诉人 | |
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subservient
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| adj.卑屈的，阿谀的 | |
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vigour
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| （=vigor）n.智力，体力，精力 | |
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stifle
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| vt.使窒息；闷死；扼杀；抑止，阻止 | |
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forfeitures
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| n.（财产等的）没收，（权利、名誉等的）丧失( forfeiture的名词复数 ) | |
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syllables
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| n.音节( syllable的名词复数 ) | |
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privy
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| adj.私用的；隐密的 | |
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lame
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| adj.跛的，(辩解、论据等)无说服力的 | |
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invader
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| n.侵略者，侵犯者，入侵者 | |
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chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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grandees
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| n.贵族，大公，显贵者( grandee的名词复数 ) | |
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sieve
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| n.筛，滤器，漏勺 | |
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treasury
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| n.宝库；国库，金库；文库 | |
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regiment
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| n.团，多数，管理；v.组织，编成团，统制 | |
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secondly
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| adv.第二，其次 | |
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skilful
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| (=skillful)adj.灵巧的，熟练的 | |
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honourable
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| adj.可敬的；荣誉的，光荣的 | |
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treatise
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| n.专著；(专题)论文 | |
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