Now and then I thought of the Zumwalt automatic hidden in the bedroom.
The time of dangling1 insects arrived. White houses with caterpillars2 dangling from the eaves. White stones indriveways. You can walk at night down the middle of the street and hear women talking on the telephone. Wannerweather produces voices in the dark. They are talking about their adolescent sons. How big, how fast. The sons arealmost frightening. The quantities they eat. The way they loom3 in doorways4. These are the days that are full ofwormy bugs5. They are in the grass, stuck to the siding, hanging in the air, hanging from the trees and eaves, stuck tothe window screens. The women talk long-distance to the grandparents of the growing boys. They share the Trimlinephone, beamish old folks in hand-knit sweaters on fixed6 incomes.
What happens to them when the commercial ends?
I got a call myself one night. The operator said, 'There's a Mother Devi that wishes to talk collect to a Jack7 Gladney.
Do you accept?""Hello, Janet. What do you want?""Just to say hello. To ask how you are. We haven't talked in ages.""Talked?""Swami wants to know if our son is coming to the ashram this summer.""Our son?""Yours, mine and his. Swami regards the children of his followers8 as his children.""I sent a daughter to Mexico last week. When she gets back, I'll be ready to talk about the son.""Swami says Montana will be good for the boy. He will grow out, fill out. These are his touchy9 years.""Why are you calling? Seriously.""Just to greet you, Jack. We greet each other here.""Is he one of those whimsical swamis with a snow-white beard? Sort of fun to look at?""We're serious people here. The cycle of history has but four ages. We happen to be in the last of these. There is littletime for whimsy10."Her tiny piping voice bounced down to me from a hollow ball in geosynchronous orbit.
"If Heinrich wants to visit you this summer, it's all right with me. Let him ride horses, fish for trout11. But í don't wanthim getting involved in something personal and intense, like religion. There's already been some kidnap talk aroundhere. People are edgy12.""The last age is the Age of Darkness.""Fine. Now tell me what you want.""Nothing. I have everything. Peace of mind, purpose, true fellowship. I only wish to greet you. I greet you, Jack. Imiss you. I miss your voice. I only wish to talk a while, pass a moment or two in friendly reminiscence."I hung up and went for a walk. The women were in their lighted homes, talking on the phone. Did swami havetwinkling eyes? Would he be able to answer the boy's questions where I had failed, provide assurances where I hadincited bickering13 and debate? How final is the Age of Darkness? Does it mean supreme14 destruction, a night thatswallows existence so completely that I am cured of my own lonely dying? I listened to the women talk. All sound,all souls.
When I got home I found Babette in her sweatsuit by the bedroom window, staring into the night.
Delegates to the Hitler conference began arriving. About ninety Hitler scholars would spend the three days of theconference attending lectures, appearing on panels, going to movies. They would wander the campus with theirnames lettered in gothic type on laminated tags pinned to their lapels. They would exchange Hitler gossip, spread theusual sensational15 rumors16 about the last days in the führerbunker.
It was interesting to see how closely they resembled each other despite the wide diversity of national and regionalbackgrounds. They were cheerful and eager, given to spitting when they laughed, given to outdated17 dress,homeliness, punctuality. They seemed to have a taste for sweets.
I welcomed them in the starkly18 modern chapel19. I spoke20 in German, from notes, for five minutes. I talked mainlyabout Hitler's mother, brother and dog. His dog's name was Wolf. This word is the same in English and German.
Most of the words I used in my address were the same or nearly the same in both languages. I'd spent days with thedictionary, compiling lists of such words. My remarks were necessarily disjointed and odd. I made many referencesto Wolf, many more to the mother and the brother, a few to shoes and socks, a few to jazz, beer and baseball. Ofcourse there was Hitler himself. I spoke the name often, hoping it would overpower my insecure sentence structure.
The rest of the time I tried to avoid the Germans in the group. Even in my black gown and dark glasses, with myname in Nazi21 typeface over my heart, I felt feeble in their presence, death-prone, listening to them produce theirguttural sounds, their words, their heavy metal. They told Hitler jokes and played pinochle. All I could do was muttera random22 monosyllable, rock with empty laughter. I spent a lot of time in my office, hiding.
Whenever I remembered the gun, lurking23 in a stack of undershirts like a tropical insect, I felt a small intensesensation pass through me. Whether pleasurable or fearful I wasn't sure. I knew it mainly as a childhood moment, theprofound stir of secret-keeping.
What a sly device a handgun is. One so small in particular. An intimate and cunning thing, a secret history of the manwho owns it. I recalled how I'd felt some days earlier, trying to find the Dylar. Like someone spying on the familygarbage. Was I immersing myself, little by little, in a secret life? Did I think it was my last defense24 against the ruinworked out for me so casually25 by the force or nonforce, the principle or power or chaos26 that determines such things?
Perhaps I was beginning to understand my ex-wives and their ties to intelligence.
The Hitler scholars assembled, wandered, ate voraciously27, laughed through oversized teeth. I sat at my desk in thedark, thinking of secrets. Are secrets a tunnel to a dreamworld where you control events?
In the evening I sped out to the airport to meet my daughter's plane. She was excited and happy, wore Mexican things.
She said the people who sent her mother books to review wouldn't leave her alone. Dana was getting big thick novelsevery day, writing reviews which she microfilmed and sent to a secret archive. She complained of jangled nerves,periods of deep spiritual fatigue28. She told Steffie she was thinking of coming in from the cold.
In the morning I sped out to Glassboro to take the further tests my doctor had advised, at Autumn Harvest Farms. Theseriousness of such an occasion is directly proportionate to the number of bodily emissions29 you are asked to cull30 foranalysis. I carried with me several specimen31 bottles, each containing some melancholy32 waste or secretion33. Alone inthe glove compartment34 rode an ominous35 plastic locket, which I'd reverently36 enclosed in three interlocking Baggies,successively twist-tied. Here was a daub of the most solemn waste of all, certain to be looked upon by the technicianson duty with the mingled37 deference38, awe39 and dread40 we have come to associate with exotic religions of the world.
But first I had to find the place. It turned out to be a functional41 pale brick building, one story, with slab42 floors andbright lighting43. Why would such a place be called Autumn Harvest Farms? Was this an attempt to balance theheartlessness of their gleaming precision equipment? Would a quaint44 name fool us into thinking we live inpre-cancerous times? What kind of condition might we expect to have diagnosed in a facility called Autumn HarvestFarms? Whooping45 cough, croup? A touch of the grippe? Familiar old farmhouse46 miseries47 calling for bed rest, a deepchest massage48 with soothing49 Vicks VapoRub. Would someone read to us from David Copperfield?
I had misgivings50. They took my samples away, sat me down at a computer console. In response to questions on thescreen I tapped out the story of my life and death, little by little, each response eliciting51 further questions in anunforgiving progression of sets and subsets. I lied three times. They gave me a loose-fitting garment and a wristbandID. They sent me down narrow corridors for measuring and weighing, for blood-testing, brain-graphing, therecording of currents traversing my heart. They scanned and probed in room after room, each cubicle52 appearingslightly smaller than the one before it, more harshly lighted, emptier of human furnishings. Always a new technician.
Always faceless fellow patients in the mazelike halls, crossing from room to room, identically gowned. No one saidhello. They attached me to a seesaw53 device, turned me upside down and let me hang for sixty seconds. A printoutemerged from a device nearby. They put me on a treadmill54 and told me to run, run. Instruments were strapped55 to mythighs, electrodes planted on my chest. They inserted me in an imaging block, some kind of computerized scanner.
Someone sat typing at a console, transmitting a message to the machine that would make my body transparent56. Iheard magnetic winds, saw flashes of northern light. People crossed the hall like wandering souls, holding their urinealoft in pale beakers. I stood in a room the size of a closet. They told me to hold one finger in front of my face, closemy left eye. The panel slid shut, a white light flashed. They were trying to help me, to save me.
Eventually, dressed again, I sat across a desk from a nervous young man in a white smock. He studied my file,mumbling something about being new at this. I was surprised to find that this fact did not upset me. I think I was evenrelieved.
"How long before the results are in?""The results are in," he said.
"I thought we were here for a general discussion. The human part. What the machines can't detect. In two or threedays the actual numbers would be ready." "The numbers are ready.""I'm not sure I'm ready. All those gleaming devices are a little unsettling. I could easily imagine a perfectly57 healthyperson being made ill just taking these tests.""Why should anyone be made ill? These are the most accurate test devices anywhere. We have sophisticatedcomputers to analyze58 the data. This equipment saves lives. Believe me, I've seen it happen. We have equipment thatworks better than the latest X-ray machine or CAT scanner. We can see more deeply, more accurately59."He seemed to be gaining confidence. He was a mild-eyed fellow with a poor complexion60 and reminded me of theboys at the supermarket who stand at the end of the checkout61 counter bagging merchandise.
"Here's how we usually start," he said. "I ask questions based on the printout and then you answer to the best of yourability. When we're all finished, I give you the printout in a sealed envelope and you take it to your doctor for a paidvisit.""Good.""Good. We usually start by asking how do you feel.""Based on the printout?""Just how do you feel," he said in a mild voice.
"In my own mind, in real terms, I feel relatively62 sound, pending63 confirmation64.""We usually go on to tired. Have you recently been feeling tired?""What do people usually say?""Mild fatigue is a popular answer.""I could say exactly that and be convinced in my own mind it's a fair and accurate description."He seemed satisfied with the reply and made a bold notation65 on the page in front of him.
"What about appetite?" he said.
"I could go either way on that."'That's more or less how I could go, based on the printout.""In other words you're saying sometimes I have appetitive reinforcement, sometimes I don't.""Are you telling me or asking me?""It depends on what the numbers say.""Then we agree.""Good.""Good," he said. "Now what about sleep? We usually do sleep before we ask the person if they'd like some decaf ortea. We don't provide sugar.""Do you get a lot of people who have trouble sleeping?""Only in the last stages.""The last stages of sleep? Do you mean they wake up early in the morning and can't get back to sleep?"'The last stages of life."'That's what I thought. Good. The only thing I have is some low threshold animation66.""Good.""I get a little restless. Who doesn't?"'Toss and turn?"'Toss," I said.
"Good.""Good."He made some notes. It seemed to be going well. I was heartened to see how well it was going. I turned down hisoffer of tea, which seemed to please him. We were moving right along.
"Here's where we ask about smoking."'That's easy. The answer is no. And it's not a matter of having stopped five or ten years ago. I've never smoked. Evenwhen I was a teenager. Never tried it. Never saw the need."'That's always a plus."I felt tremendously reassured67 and grateful.
"We're moving right along, aren't we?""Some people like to drag it out," he said. 'They get interested in their own condition. It becomes almost like ahobby.""Who needs nicotine68? Not only that, I rarely drink coffee and certainly never with caffeine. Can't understand whatpeople see in all this artificial stimulation69. I get high just walking in the woods.""No caffeine always helps."Yes, I thought. Reward my virture. Give me life.
"Then there's milk," I said. "People aren't happy with the caffeine and the sugar. They want the milk too. All thosefatty acids. Haven't touched milk since I was a kid. Haven't touched heavy cream. Eat bland70 foods. Rarely touch hardliquor. Never knew what the fuss was all about. Water. That's my beverage71. A man can trust a glass of water."I waited for him to tell me I was adding years to my life.
"Speaking of water," he said, "have you ever been exposed to industrial contaminants?""What?""Toxic72 material in the air or water.""Is this what you usually ask after the cigarettes?""It's not a scheduled question.""You mean do I work with a substance like asbestos? Absolutely not. I'm a teacher. Teaching is my life. I've spentmy life on a college campus. Where does asbestos fit into this?""Have you ever heard of Nyodene Derivative73?""Should I have, based on the printout?""There are traces in your bloodstream.""How can that be if I've never heard of it?""The magnetic scanner says it's there. I'm looking at bracketed numbers with little stars.""Are you saying the printout shows the first ambiguous signs of a barely perceptible condition deriving74 fromminimal acceptable spillage exposure?"Why was I speaking in this stilted75 fashion?
"The magnetic scanner is pretty clear," he said.
What had happened to our tacit agreement to advance smartly through the program without time-consuming andcontroversial delving76?
"What happens when someone has traces of this material in his or her blood?""They get a nebulous mass," he said.
"But I thought no one knew for sure what Nyodene D. did to humans. Rats, yes.""You just told me you'd never heard of it. How do you know what it does or doesn't do?"He had me there. I felt I'd been tricked, carried along, taken for a fool.
"Knowledge changes every day," he said. "We have some conflicting data that says exposure to this substance candefinitely lead to a mass."His confidence was soaring.
"Good. Let's get on to the next topic. I'm in something of a hurry.""This is where I hand over the sealed envelope.""Is exercise next? The answer is none. Hate it, refuse to do it.""Good. I am handing over the envelope.""What is a nebulous mass, just out of idle curiosity?""A possible growth in the body.""And it's called nebulous because you can't get a clear picture of it.""We get very clear pictures. The imaging block takes the clearest pictures humanly possible. It's called a nebulousmass because it has no definite shape, form or limits.""What can it do in terms of worst-case scenario77 contingencies78?""Cause a person to die.""Speak English, for God's sake. I despise this modern jargon79."He took insults well. The angrier I got, the better he liked it. He radiated energy and health.
"Now is where I tell you to pay in the outer office.""What about potassium? I came here in the first place because my potassium was way above normal limits.""We don't do potassium.""Good.""Good. The last thing I'm supposed to tell you is take the envelope to your doctor. Your doctor knows the symbols.""So that's it then. Good.""Good," he said.
I found myself shaking his hand warmly. Minutes later I was out on the street. A boy walked splay-footed across apublic lawn, nudging a soccer ball before him. A second kid sat on the grass, taking off his socks by grabbing theheels and yanking. How literary, I thought peevishly80. Streets thick with the details of impulsive81 life as the heroponders the latest phase in his dying. It was a partially82 cloudy day with winds diminishing toward sunset.
That night I walked the streets of Blacksmith. The glow of blue-eyed TVs. The voices on the touch-tone phones. Faraway the grandparents huddle83 in a chair, eagerly sharing the receiver as carrier waves modulate84 into audible signals.
It is the voice of their grandson, the growing boy whose face appears in the snapshots set around the phone. Joyrushes to their eyes but it is misted over, infused with a sad and complex knowing. What is the young- . ster saying tothem? His wretched complexion makes him unhappy? He wants to leave school and work full-time85 at Foodland,bagging groceries? He tells them he likes to bag groceries. It is the one thing in life he finds satisfying. Put the gallonjugs in first, square off the six-packs, double-bag the heavy merch. He does it well, he has the knack86, he sees theitems arranged in the bag before he touches a thing. It's like Zen, gramma. I snap out two bags, fit one inside the other.
Don't bruise87 the fruit, watch the eggs, put the ice cream in a freezer bag. A thousand people pass me every day but noone ever sees me. I like it, gramma, it's totally un-threatening, it's how I want to spend my life. And so they listensadly, loving him all the more, their faces pressed against the sleek88 Trimline, the white Princess in the bedroom, theplain brown Rotary89 in granddad's paneled basement hideaway. The old gentleman runs a hand through his thatch90 ofwhite hair, the woman holds her folded specs against her face. Clouds race across the westering moon, the seasonschange in somber91 montage, going deeper into winter stillness, a landscape of silence and ice. Your doctor knows thesymbols.
收听单词发音 |
1
dangling
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| 悬吊着( dangle的现在分词 )； 摆动不定； 用某事物诱惑…； 吊胃口 | |
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caterpillars
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| n.毛虫( caterpillar的名词复数 )；履带 | |
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loom
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| n.织布机，织机；v.隐现，(危险、忧虑等)迫近 | |
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doorways
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| n.门口，门道( doorway的名词复数 ) | |
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bugs
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| adj.疯狂的，发疯的n.窃听器( bug的名词复数 )；病菌；虫子；[计算机]（制作软件程序所产生的意料不到的）错误 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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jack
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| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
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followers
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| 追随者( follower的名词复数 )； 用户； 契据的附面； 从动件 | |
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touchy
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| adj.易怒的；棘手的 | |
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whimsy
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| n.古怪，异想天开 | |
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trout
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| n.鳟鱼；鲑鱼(属) | |
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edgy
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| adj.不安的；易怒的 | |
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bickering
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| v.争吵( bicker的现在分词 )；口角；（水等）作潺潺声；闪烁 | |
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supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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sensational
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| adj.使人感动的，非常好的，轰动的，耸人听闻的 | |
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rumors
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| n.传闻( rumor的名词复数 )；[古]名誉；咕哝；[古]喧嚷v.传闻( rumor的第三人称单数 )；[古]名誉；咕哝；[古]喧嚷 | |
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outdated
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| adj.旧式的，落伍的，过时的；v.使过时 | |
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starkly
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| adj. 变硬了的,完全的 adv. 完全,实在,简直 | |
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chapel
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| n.小教堂，殡仪馆 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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Nazi
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| n.纳粹分子，adj.纳粹党的，纳粹的 | |
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random
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| adj.随机的；任意的；n.偶然的(或随便的)行动 | |
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lurking
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| 潜在 | |
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defense
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| n.防御，保卫；[pl.]防务工事；辩护，答辩 | |
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casually
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| adv.漠不关心地，无动于衷地，不负责任地 | |
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chaos
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| n.混乱，无秩序 | |
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voraciously
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| adv.贪婪地 | |
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fatigue
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| n.疲劳，劳累 | |
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emissions
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| 排放物( emission的名词复数 )； 散发物（尤指气体） | |
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cull
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| v.拣选；剔除；n.拣出的东西；剔除 | |
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specimen
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| n.样本，标本 | |
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melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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secretion
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| n.分泌 | |
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compartment
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| n.卧车包房，隔间；分隔的空间 | |
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ominous
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| adj.不祥的，不吉的，预兆的，预示的 | |
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reverently
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| adv.虔诚地 | |
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mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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deference
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| n.尊重，顺从；敬意 | |
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awe
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| n.敬畏，惊惧；vt.使敬畏，使惊惧 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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functional
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| adj.为实用而设计的，具备功能的，起作用的 | |
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slab
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| n.平板，厚的切片；v.切成厚板，以平板盖上 | |
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lighting
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| n.照明，光线的明暗，舞台灯光 | |
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quaint
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| adj.古雅的，离奇有趣的，奇怪的 | |
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whooping
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| 发嗬嗬声的，发咳声的 | |
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farmhouse
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| n.农场住宅（尤指主要住房） | |
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miseries
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| n.痛苦( misery的名词复数 )；痛苦的事；穷困；常发牢骚的人 | |
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massage
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| n.按摩，揉；vt.按摩，揉，美化，奉承，篡改数据 | |
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soothing
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| adj.慰藉的；使人宽心的；镇静的 | |
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misgivings
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| n.疑虑，担忧，害怕；疑虑，担心，恐惧( misgiving的名词复数 )；疑惧 | |
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eliciting
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| n. 诱发, 引出 动词elicit的现在分词形式 | |
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52
cubicle
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| n.大房间中隔出的小室 | |
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seesaw
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| n.跷跷板 | |
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treadmill
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| n.踏车；单调的工作 | |
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55
strapped
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| adj.用皮带捆住的，用皮带装饰的；身无分文的；缺钱；手头紧v.用皮带捆扎(strap的过去式和过去分词)；用皮带抽打；包扎；给…打绷带 | |
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transparent
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| adj.明显的，无疑的；透明的 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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analyze
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| vt.分析，解析 (=analyse) | |
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accurately
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| adv.准确地，精确地 | |
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complexion
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| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
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checkout
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| n.（超市等）收银台，付款处 | |
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relatively
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| adv.比较...地，相对地 | |
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pending
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| prep.直到，等待…期间；adj.待定的；迫近的 | |
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confirmation
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| n.证实，确认，批准 | |
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notation
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| n.记号法，表示法，注释；[计算机]记法 | |
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animation
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| n.活泼，兴奋，卡通片／动画片的制作 | |
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reassured
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| adj.使消除疑虑的；使放心的v.再保证，恢复信心( reassure的过去式和过去分词) | |
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nicotine
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| n.(化)尼古丁，烟碱 | |
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stimulation
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| n.刺激，激励，鼓舞 | |
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bland
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| adj.淡而无味的，温和的，无刺激性的 | |
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beverage
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| n.(水，酒等之外的)饮料 | |
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toxic
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| adj.有毒的，因中毒引起的 | |
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derivative
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| n.派(衍)生物；adj.非独创性的，模仿他人的 | |
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deriving
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| v.得到( derive的现在分词 )；（从…中）得到获得；源于；（从…中）提取 | |
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stilted
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| adj.虚饰的；夸张的 | |
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delving
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| v.深入探究，钻研( delve的现在分词 ) | |
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scenario
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| n.剧本，脚本；概要 | |
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contingencies
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| n.偶然发生的事故，意外事故( contingency的名词复数 )；以备万一 | |
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jargon
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| n.术语，行话 | |
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peevishly
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| adv．暴躁地 | |
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impulsive
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| adj.冲动的，刺激的；有推动力的 | |
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partially
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| adv.部分地，从某些方面讲 | |
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huddle
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| vi.挤作一团；蜷缩；vt.聚集；n.挤在一起的人 | |
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modulate
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| v.调整，调节(音的强弱)；变调 | |
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full-time
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| adj.满工作日的或工作周的，全时间的 | |
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knack
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| n.诀窍，做事情的灵巧的，便利的方法 | |
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bruise
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| n.青肿，挫伤；伤痕；vt.打青；挫伤 | |
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sleek
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| adj.光滑的，井然有序的；v.使光滑，梳拢 | |
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rotary
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| adj.(运动等)旋转的；轮转的；转动的 | |
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thatch
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| vt.用茅草覆盖…的顶部；n.茅草(屋) | |
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somber
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| adj.昏暗的，阴天的，阴森的，忧郁的 | |
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