“Yes,” he resumed “she had grown stouter2 since ceasing to conceive, and her anxieties about her children began to disappear. Not even to disappear. One would have said that she was waking from a long intoxication3, that on coming to herself she had perceived the entire universe with its joys, a whole world in which she had not learned to live, and which she did not understand.
“‘If only this world shall not vanish! When time is past, when old age comes, one cannot recover it.’ Thus, I believe, she thought, or rather felt. Moreover, she could neither think nor feel otherwise. She had been brought up in this idea that there is in the world but one thing worthy4 of attention,— love. In marrying, she had known something of this love, but very far from everything that she had understood as promised her, everything that she expected. How many disillusions5! How much suffering! And an unexpected torture,— the children! This torture had told upon her, and then, thanks to the obliging doctor, she had learned that it is possible to avoid having children. That had made her glad. She had tried, and she was now revived for the only thing that she knew,— for love. But love with a husband polluted by jealousy6 and ill-nature was no longer her ideal. She began to think of some other tenderness; at least, that is what I thought. She looked about her as if expecting some event or some being. I noticed it, and I could not help being anxious.
“Always, now, it happened that, in talking with me through a third party (that is, in talking with others, but with the intention that I should hear), she boldly expressed,— not thinking that an hour before she had said the opposite,— half joking, half seriously, this idea that maternal7 anxieties are a delusion8; that it is not worth while to sacrifice one’s life to children. When one is young, it is necessary to enjoy life. So she occupied herself less with the children, not with the same intensity9 as formerly10, and paid more and more attention to herself, to her face,— although she concealed11 it,— to her pleasures, and even to her perfection from the worldly point of view. She began to devote herself passionately12 to the piano, which had formerly stood forgotten in the corner. There, at the piano, began the adventure.
“The MAN appeared.”
Posdnicheff seemed embarrassed, and twice again there escaped him that nasal sound of which I spoke13 above. I thought that it gave him pain to refer to the MAN, and to remember him. He made an effort, as if to break down the obstacle that embarrassed him, and continued with determination.
“He was a bad man in my eyes, and not because he has played such an important role in my life, but because he was really such. For the rest, from the fact that he was bad, we must conclude that he was irresponsible. He was a musician, a violinist. Not a professional musician, but half man of the world, half artist. His father, a country proprietor14, was a neighbor of my father’s. The father had become ruined, and the children, three boys, were all sent away. Our man, the youngest, was sent to his godmother at Paris. There they placed him in the Conservatory15, for he showed a taste for music. He came out a violinist, and played in concerts.”
On the point of speaking evil of the other, Posdnicheff checked himself, stopped, and said suddenly:
“In truth, I know not how he lived. I only know that that year he came to Russia, and came to see me. Moist eyes of almond shape, smiling red lips, a little moustache well waxed, hair brushed in the latest fashion, a vulgarly pretty face,— what the women call ‘not bad,’— feebly built physically16, but with no deformity; with hips17 as broad as a woman’s; correct, and insinuating18 himself into the familiarity of people as far as possible, but having that keen sense that quickly detects a false step and retires in reason,— a man, in short, observant of the external rules of dignity, with that special Parisianism that is revealed in buttoned boots, a gaudy19 cravat20, and that something which foreigners pick up in Paris, and which, in its peculiarity21 and novelty, always has an influence on our women. In his manners an external and artificial gayety, a way, you know, of referring to everything by hints, by unfinished fragments, as if everything that one says you knew already, recalled it, and could supply the omissions22. Well, he, with his music, was the cause of all.
“At the trial the affair was so represented that everything seemed attributable to jealousy. It is false,— that is, not quite false, but there was something else. The verdict was rendered that I was a deceived husband, that I had killed in defence of my sullied honor (that is the way they put it in their language), and thus I was acquitted23. I tried to explain the affair from my own point of view, but they concluded that I simply wanted to rehabilitate24 the memory of my wife. Her relations with the musician, whatever they may have been, are now of no importance to me or to her. The important part is what I have told you. The whole tragedy was due to the fact that this man came into our house at a time when an immense abyss had already been dug between us, that frightful tension of mutual25 hatred26, in which the slightest motive27 sufficed to precipitate28 the crisis. Our quarrels in the last days were something terrible, and the more astonishing because they were followed by a brutal29 passion extremely strained. If it had not been he, some other would have come. If the pretext30 had not been jealousy, I should have discovered another. I insist upon this point,— that all husbands who live the married life that I lived must either resort to outside debauchery, or separate from their wives, or kill themselves, or kill their wives as I did. If there is any one in my case to whom this does not happen, he is a very rare exception, for, before ending as I ended, I was several times on the point of suicide, and my wife made several attempts to poison herself.
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1
frightful
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| adj.可怕的；讨厌的 | |
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2
stouter
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| 粗壮的( stout的比较级 )； 结实的； 坚固的； 坚定的 | |
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3
intoxication
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| n.wild excitement;drunkenness；poisoning | |
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4
worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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disillusions
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| 使不再抱幻想，使理想破灭( disillusion的第三人称单数 ) | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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7
maternal
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| adj.母亲的，母亲般的，母系的，母方的 | |
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8
delusion
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| n.谬见，欺骗，幻觉，迷惑 | |
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9
intensity
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| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
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10
formerly
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| adv.从前，以前 | |
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concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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12
passionately
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| ad.热烈地，激烈地 | |
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13
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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14
proprietor
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| n.所有人；业主；经营者 | |
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15
conservatory
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| n.温室，音乐学院；adj.保存性的，有保存力的 | |
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physically
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| adj.物质上，体格上，身体上，按自然规律 | |
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17
hips
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| abbr.high impact polystyrene 高冲击强度聚苯乙烯，耐冲性聚苯乙烯n.臀部( hip的名词复数 )；[建筑学]屋脊；臀围（尺寸）；臀部…的 | |
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18
insinuating
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| adj.曲意巴结的，暗示的v.暗示( insinuate的现在分词 )；巧妙或迂回地潜入；（使）缓慢进入；慢慢伸入 | |
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gaudy
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| adj.华而不实的；俗丽的 | |
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cravat
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| n.领巾，领结；v.使穿有领结的服装，使结领结 | |
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21
peculiarity
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| n.独特性，特色；特殊的东西；怪癖 | |
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22
omissions
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| n.省略( omission的名词复数 )；删节；遗漏；略去或漏掉的事（或人） | |
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23
acquitted
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| 宣判…无罪( acquit的过去式和过去分词 )； 使（自己）作出某种表现 | |
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24
rehabilitate
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| vt.改造(罪犯)，修复；vi.复兴，(罪犯)经受改造 | |
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25
mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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26
hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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28
precipitate
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| adj.突如其来的；vt.使突然发生；n.沉淀物 | |
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29
brutal
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| adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的 | |
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30
pretext
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| n.借口，托词 | |
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