Sara

       IT’S RAINING.

Not an auspicious¹ beginning, I think. I shuffle² my index cards on the table, trying to look more skilled than Iactually am. Who was I kidding? I am no lawyer, no professional. I have been nothing more than a mother,and I have not even done a very square job of that.

“Mrs. Fitzgerald?” the judge prompts.

I take a deep breath, stare down at the gibberish in front of me, and grab the whole sheaf of index cards.

Standing³ up, I clear my throat, and start to read aloud. “In this country we have a long legal history ofallowing parents to make decisions for their children. It’s part of what the courts have always found to be theconstitutional right to privacy. And given all the evidence this court has heard—” Suddenly, there is a crashof lightning, and I drop all my notes onto the floor. Kneeling, I scramble⁴ to pick them up, but of course nowthey are out of order. I try to rearrange what I have in front of me, but nothing makes sense.

Oh, hell. It’s not what I need to say, anyway.

“Your Honor,” I ask, “can I start over?” When he nods, I turn my back on him, and walk toward my daughter,who is sitting beside Campbell.

“Anna,” I tell her, “I love you. I loved you before I ever saw you, and I will love you long after I’m not hereto say it. And I know that because I’m a parent, I’m supposed to have all the answers, but I don’t. I wonderevery single day if I’m doing the right thing. I wonder if I know my children the way I think I do. I wonder ifI lose my perspective in being your mother, because I’m so busy being Kate’s.”

I take a few steps forward. “I know I jump at every sliver⁵ of possibility that might cure Kate, but it’s all Iknow how to do. And even if you don’t agree with me, even if Kate doesn’t agree with me, I want to be theone who says I told you so. Ten years from now, I want to see your children on your lap and in your arms,because that’s when you’ll understand. I have a sister, so I know—that relationship, it’s all about fairness:

you want your sibling⁶ to have exactly what you have—the same amount of toys, the same number ofmeatballs on your spaghetti, the same share of love. But being a mother is completely different. You wantyour child to have more than you ever did. You want to build a fire underneath⁷ her and watch her soar. It’sbigger than words.” I touch my chest. “And it still all manages to fit very neatly⁸ inside here.”

I turn to Judge DeSalvo. “I didn’t want to come to court, but I had to. The way the law works, if a petitionertakes action—even if that’s your own child—you must have a reaction. And so I was forced to explain,eloquently, why I believe that I know better than Anna what is best for her. When you get down to it, though,explaining what you believe isn’t all that easy. If you say that you believe something to be true, you mightmean one of two things—that you’re still weighing the alternatives, or that you accept it as a fact. I don’tlogically see how one single word can have contradictory⁹ definitions, but emotionally, I completelyunderstand. Because there are times I think what I am doing is right, and there are other times I second-guessmyself every step of the way.

“Even if the court found in my favor today, I couldn’t force Anna to donate a kidney. No one could. Butwould I beg her? Would I want to, even if I restrained myself? I don’t know, not even after speaking to Kate,and after hearing from Anna. I am not sure what to believe; I never was. I know, indisputably, only twothings: that this lawsuit¹⁰ was never really about donating a kidney…but about having choices. And thatnobody ever really makes decisions entirely¹¹ by themselves, not even if a judge gives them the right to do so.”

Finally, I face Campbell. “A long time ago I used to be a lawyer. But I’m not one anymore. I am a mother,and what I’ve done for the past eighteen years in that capacity is harder than anything I ever had to do in acourtroom. At the beginning of this hearing, Mr. Alexander, you said that none of us is obligated to go into afire and save someone else from a burning building. But that all changes if you’re a parent and the person inthat burning building is your child. If that’s the case, not only would everyone understand if you ran in to getyour child—they’d practically expect it of you.”

I take a deep breath. “In my life, though, that building was on fire, one of my children was in it—and theonly opportunity to save her was to send in my other child, because she was the only one who knew the way.

Did I know I was taking a risk? Of course. Did I realize it meant maybe losing both of them? Yes. Did Iunderstand that maybe it wasn’t fair to ask her to do it? Absolutely. But I also knew that it was the onlychance I had to keep both of them. Was it legal? Was it moral? Was it crazy or foolish or cruel? I don’t know.

But I do know it was right.”

Finished, I sit down at my table. The rain beats against the windows to my right. I wonder if it will ever letup.

1 auspicious   

adj.吉利的；幸运的，吉兆的

参考例句：

• The publication of my first book was an auspicious beginning of my career.我的第一本书的出版是我事业吉祥的开始。
• With favorable weather conditions it was an auspicious moment to set sail.风和日丽，正是扬帆出海的黄道吉日。

2 shuffle   

n.拖著脚走，洗纸牌；v.拖曳，慢吞吞地走

参考例句：

• I wish you'd remember to shuffle before you deal.我希望在你发牌前记得洗牌。
• Don't shuffle your feet along.别拖着脚步走。

3 standing   

n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的

参考例句：

• After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
• They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。

4 scramble   

v.爬行，攀爬，杂乱蔓延，碎片，片段，废料

参考例句：

• He broke his leg in his scramble down the wall.他爬墙摔断了腿。
• It was a long scramble to the top of the hill.到山顶须要爬登一段长路。

5 sliver   

n.裂片，细片，梳毛；v.纵切，切成长片，剖开

参考例句：

• There was only one sliver of light in the darkness.黑暗中只有一点零星的光亮。
• Then,one night,Monica saw a thin sliver of the moon reappear.之后的一天晚上，莫尼卡看到了一个月牙。

6 sibling   

n.同胞手足(指兄、弟、姐或妹)

参考例句：

• Many of us hate living in the shadows of a more successful sibling.我们很多人都讨厌活在更为成功的手足的阴影下。
• Sibling ravalry has been common in this family.这个家里，兄弟姊妹之间的矛盾很平常。

7 underneath   

adj.在...下面，在...底下；adv.在下面

参考例句：

• Working underneath the car is always a messy job.在汽车底下工作是件脏活。
• She wore a coat with a dress underneath.她穿着一件大衣，里面套着一条连衣裙。

8 neatly   

adv.整洁地，干净地，灵巧地，熟练地

参考例句：

• Sailors know how to wind up a long rope neatly.水手们知道怎样把一条大绳利落地缠好。
• The child's dress is neatly gathered at the neck.那孩子的衣服在领口处打着整齐的皱褶。

9 contradictory   

adj.反驳的，反对的，抗辩的；n.正反对，矛盾对立

参考例句：

• The argument is internally contradictory.论据本身自相矛盾。
• What he said was self-contradictory.他讲话前后不符。

10 lawsuit   

n.诉讼，控诉

参考例句：

• They threatened him with a lawsuit.他们以诉讼威逼他。
• He was perpetually involving himself in this long lawsuit.他使自己无休止地卷入这场长时间的诉讼。

11 entirely   

ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地

参考例句：

• The fire was entirely caused by their neglect of duty. 那场火灾完全是由于他们失职而引起的。
• His life was entirely given up to the educational work. 他的一生统统献给了教育工作。