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Kate 2010
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  Kate

      2010

T HERE SHOULD BE A STATUTE1 of limitation on grief. A rule book that says it is all right to wake up crying, butonly for a month. That after forty-two days you will no longer turn with your heart racing2, certain you haveheard her call out your name. That there will be no fine imposed if you feel the need to clean out her desk;take down her artwork from the refrigerator; turn over a school portrait as you pass—if only because it cutsyou fresh again to see it. That it is okay to measure the time she has been gone, the way weonce measuredher birthdays.

For a long time, afterward3, my father claimed to see Anna in the night sky. Sometimes it was the wink4 of hereye, sometimes the shape of her profile. He insisted that stars were people who were so well loved they weretraced in constellations5, to live forever. My mother believed, for a long time, that Anna would come back toher. She began to look for signs—plants that bloomed too early, eggs with double yolks, salt spilled in theshape of letters.

And me, well, I began to hate myself. It was, of course, all my fault. If Anna had never filed that lawsuit6, ifshe hadn’t been at the courthouse signing papers with her attorney, she never would have been at thatparticular intersection7 at that particular moment. She would be here, and I would be the one coming back tohaunt her.

spaceFor a long time, I was sick. The transplant nearly failed, and then, inexplicably8, I began the long steep climbupward. It has been eight years since my last relapse, something not even Dr. Chance can understand. Hethinks it is a combination of the ATRA and the arsenic9 therapy—some contributing delayed effect—but Iknow better. It is that someone had to go, and Anna took my place.

Grief is a curious thing, when it happens unexpectedly. It is a Band-Aid being ripped away, taking the toplayer off a family. And the under-belly of a household is never pretty, ours no exception. There were times Istayed in my room for days on end with headphones on, if only so that I would not have to listen to mymother cry. There were the weeks that my father worked round-the-clock shifts, so that he wouldn’t have tocome home to a house that felt too big for us.

Then one morning, my mother realized that we had eaten everything in the house, down to the last shrunkenraisin and graham cracker10 crumb11, and she went to the grocery store. My father paid a bill or two. I sat downto watch TV and watched an old I Love Lucy and started to laugh.

Immediately, I felt like I had defiled12 a shrine13. I clapped my hand over my mouth, embarrassed. It was Jesse,sitting beside me on the couch, who said, “She would have thought it was funny, too.”

See, as much as you want to hold on to the bitter sore memory that someone has left this world, you are stillin it. And the very act of living is a tide: at first it seems to make no difference at all, and then one day youlook down and see how much pain has eroded14.

I wonder how much she keeps tabs on us. If she knows that for a long time, we were close to Campbell andJulia, even went to their wedding. If she understands that the reason we don’t see them anymore is because itjust plain hurt too much, because even when we didn’t talk about Anna, she lingered in the spaces betweenthe words, like the smell of something burning.

I wonder if she was at Jesse’s graduation from the police academy, if she knows that he won a citation15 fromthe mayor last year for his role in a drug bust16. I wonder if she knew that Daddy fell deep into a bottle aftershe left, and had to claw his way out. I wonder if she knows that, now, I teach children how to dance. Thatevery time I see two little girls at the barre, sinking into pliés, I think of us.

She still takes me by surprise. Like nearly a year after her death, when my mother came home with a roll offilm she’d just developed of my high school graduation. We sat down at the kitchen table together, shoulderto shoulder, trying not to mention as we looked at all our double-wide grins that there was someone missingfrom the photo.

And then, as if we’d conjured17 her, the last picture was of Anna. It had been that long since we’d used thecamera, plain and simple. She was on a beach towel, holding out one hand toward the photographer, tryingto get whoever it was to stop taking her picture.

My mother and I sat at the kitchen table staring at Anna until the sun set, until we had memorized everythingfrom the color of her ponytail holder18 to the pattern of fringe on her bikini. Until we couldn’t be sure we wereseeing her clearly anymore.

My mother let me have that picture of Anna. But I didn’t frame it; I put it into an envelope and sealed it andstuffed it far back into a corner drawer of a filing cabinet. It’s there, just in case one of these days I start tolose her.

There might be a morning when I wake up and her face isn’t the first thing I see. Or a lazy August afternoonwhen I can’t quite recall anymore where the freckles19 were on her right shoulder. Maybe one of these days, Iwill not be able to listen to the sound of snow falling and hear her footsteps.

When I start to feel this way I go into the bathroom and I lift up my shirt and touch the white lines of my scar.

I remember how, at first, I thought the stitches seemed to spell out her name. I think about her kidneyworking inside me and her blood running through my veins20. I take her with me, wherever I go.

The End

点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 statute TGUzb     
n.成文法,法令,法规;章程,规则,条例
参考例句:
  • Protection for the consumer is laid down by statute.保障消费者利益已在法令里作了规定。
  • The next section will consider this environmental statute in detail.下一部分将详细论述环境法令的问题。
2 racing 1ksz3w     
n.竞赛,赛马;adj.竞赛用的,赛马用的
参考例句:
  • I was watching the racing on television last night.昨晚我在电视上看赛马。
  • The two racing drivers fenced for a chance to gain the lead.两个赛车手伺机竞相领先。
3 afterward fK6y3     
adv.后来;以后
参考例句:
  • Let's go to the theatre first and eat afterward. 让我们先去看戏,然后吃饭。
  • Afterward,the boy became a very famous artist.后来,这男孩成为一个很有名的艺术家。
4 wink 4MGz3     
n.眨眼,使眼色,瞬间;v.眨眼,使眼色,闪烁
参考例句:
  • He tipped me the wink not to buy at that price.他眨眼暗示我按那个价格就不要买。
  • The satellite disappeared in a wink.瞬息之间,那颗卫星就消失了。
5 constellations ee34f7988ee4aa80f9502f825177c85d     
n.星座( constellation的名词复数 );一群杰出人物;一系列(相关的想法、事物);一群(相关的人)
参考例句:
  • The map of the heavens showed all the northern constellations. 这份天体图标明了北半部所有的星座。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • His time was coming, he would move in the constellations of power. 他时来运转,要进入权力中心了。 来自教父部分
6 lawsuit A14xy     
n.诉讼,控诉
参考例句:
  • They threatened him with a lawsuit.他们以诉讼威逼他。
  • He was perpetually involving himself in this long lawsuit.他使自己无休止地卷入这场长时间的诉讼。
7 intersection w54xV     
n.交集,十字路口,交叉点;[计算机] 交集
参考例句:
  • There is a stop sign at an intersection.在交叉路口处有停车标志。
  • Bridges are used to avoid the intersection of a railway and a highway.桥用来避免铁路和公路直接交叉。
8 inexplicably 836e3f6ed2882afd2a77cf5530fca975     
adv.无法说明地,难以理解地,令人难以理解的是
参考例句:
  • Inexplicably, Mary said she loved John. 真是不可思议,玛丽说她爱约翰。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • Inexplicably, she never turned up. 令人不解的是,她从未露面。 来自辞典例句
9 arsenic 2vSz4     
n.砒霜,砷;adj.砷的
参考例句:
  • His wife poisoned him with arsenic.他的妻子用砒霜把他毒死了。
  • Arsenic is a poison.砒霜是毒药。
10 cracker svCz5a     
n.(无甜味的)薄脆饼干
参考例句:
  • Buy me some peanuts and cracker.给我买一些花生和饼干。
  • There was a cracker beside every place at the table.桌上每个位置旁都有彩包爆竹。
11 crumb ynLzv     
n.饼屑,面包屑,小量
参考例句:
  • It was the only crumb of comfort he could salvage from the ordeal.这是他从这场磨难里能找到的唯一的少许安慰。
  • Ruth nearly choked on the last crumb of her pastry.鲁斯几乎被糕点的最后一块碎屑所噎住。
12 defiled 4218510fef91cea51a1c6e0da471710b     
v.玷污( defile的过去式和过去分词 );污染;弄脏;纵列行进
参考例句:
  • Many victims of burglary feel their homes have been defiled. 许多家门被撬的人都感到自己的家被玷污了。
  • I felt defiled by the filth. 我觉得这些脏话玷污了我。 来自《简明英汉词典》
13 shrine 0yfw7     
n.圣地,神龛,庙;v.将...置于神龛内,把...奉为神圣
参考例句:
  • The shrine was an object of pilgrimage.这处圣地是人们朝圣的目的地。
  • They bowed down before the shrine.他们在神龛前鞠躬示敬。
14 eroded f1d64e7cb6e68a5e1444e173c24e672e     
adj. 被侵蚀的,有蚀痕的 动词erode的过去式和过去分词形式
参考例句:
  • The cliff face has been steadily eroded by the sea. 峭壁表面逐渐被海水侵蚀。
  • The stream eroded a channel in the solid rock. 小溪在硬石中侵蚀成一条水道。
15 citation 1qyzo     
n.引用,引证,引用文;传票
参考例句:
  • He had to sign the proposition for the citation.他只好在受奖申请书上签了字。
  • The court could issue a citation and fine Ms. Robbins.法庭可能会发传票,对罗宾斯女士处以罚款。
16 bust WszzB     
vt.打破;vi.爆裂;n.半身像;胸部
参考例句:
  • I dropped my camera on the pavement and bust it. 我把照相机掉在人行道上摔坏了。
  • She has worked up a lump of clay into a bust.她把一块黏土精心制作成一个半身像。
17 conjured 227df76f2d66816f8360ea2fef0349b5     
用魔术变出( conjure的过去式和过去分词 ); 祈求,恳求; 变戏法; (变魔术般地) 使…出现
参考例句:
  • He conjured them with his dying breath to look after his children. 他临终时恳求他们照顾他的孩子。
  • His very funny joke soon conjured my anger away. 他讲了个十分有趣的笑话,使得我的怒气顿消。
18 holder wc4xq     
n.持有者,占有者;(台,架等)支持物
参考例句:
  • The holder of the office of chairman is reponsible for arranging meetings.担任主席职位的人负责安排会议。
  • That runner is the holder of the world record for the hundred-yard dash.那位运动员是一百码赛跑世界纪录的保持者。
19 freckles MsNzcN     
n.雀斑,斑点( freckle的名词复数 )
参考例句:
  • She had a wonderful clear skin with an attractive sprinkling of freckles. 她光滑的皮肤上有几处可爱的小雀斑。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • When she lies in the sun, her face gets covered in freckles. 她躺在阳光下时,脸上布满了斑点。 来自《简明英汉词典》
20 veins 65827206226d9e2d78ea2bfe697c6329     
n.纹理;矿脉( vein的名词复数 );静脉;叶脉;纹理
参考例句:
  • The blood flows from the capillaries back into the veins. 血从毛细血管流回静脉。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • I felt a pleasant glow in all my veins from the wine. 喝过酒后我浑身的血都热烘烘的,感到很舒服。 来自《简明英汉词典》


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