Mrs. Pettifer went to open the door, and told Mr. Tryan, in as few words as possible, what had happened in the night. As he laid down his hat and prepared to enter the parlour, she said, ‘I won’t go in with you, for I think perhaps she would rather see you go in alone.’
Janet, wrapped up in a large white shawl which threw her dark face into startling relief, was seated with her eyes turned anxiously towards the door when Mr. Tryan entered. He had not seen her since their interview at Sally Martin’s long months ago; and he felt a strong movement of compassion2 at the sight of the pain-stricken face which seemed to bear written on it the signs of all Janet’s intervening misery3. Her heart gave a great leap, as her eyes met his once more. No! she had not deceived herself: there was all the sincerity4, all the sadness, all the deep pity in them her memory had told her of; more than it had told her, for in proportion as his face had become thinner and more worn, his eyes appeared to have gathered intensity5.
He came forward, and, putting out his hand, said, ‘I am so glad you sent for me—I am so thankful you thought I could be any comfort to you.’ Janet took his hand in silence. She was unable to utter any words of mere6 politeness, or even of gratitude7; her heart was too full of other words that had welled up the moment she met his pitying glance, and felt her doubts fall away.
They sat down opposite each other, and she said in a low voice, while slow difficult tears gathered in her aching eyes,—‘I want to tell you how unhappy I am—how weak and wicked. I feel no strength to live or die. I thought you could tell me something that would help me.’ She paused.
‘Perhaps I can,’ Mr. Tryan said, ‘for in speaking to me you are speaking to a fellow-sinner who has needed just the comfort and help you are needing.’
‘And you did find it?’
‘Yes; and I trust you will find it.’
‘O, I should like to be good and to do right,’ Janet burst forth8; ‘but indeed, indeed, my lot has been a very hard one. I loved my husband very dearly when we were married, and I meant to make him happy—I wanted nothing else. But he began to be angry with me for little things and ... I don’t want to accuse him ... but he drank and got more and more unkind to me, and then very cruel, and he beat me. And that cut me to the heart. It made me almost mad sometimes to think all our love had come to that ... I couldn’t bear up against it. I had never been used to drink anything but water. I hated wine and spirits because Robert drank them so; but one day when I was very wretched, and the wine was standing9 on the table, I suddenly ... I can hardly remember how I came to do it ... I poured some wine into a large glass and drank it. It blunted my feelings, and made me more indifferent. After that, the temptation was always coming, and it got stronger and stronger. I was ashamed, and I hated what I did; but almost while the thought was passing through my mind that I would never do it again, I did it. It seemed as if there was a demon10 in me always making me rush to do what I longed not to do. And I thought all the more that God was cruel; for if He had not sent me that dreadful trial, so much worse than other women have to bear, I should not have done wrong in that way. I suppose it is wicked to think so ... I feel as if there must be goodness and right above us, but I can’t see it, I can’t trust in it. And I have gone on in that way for years and years. At one time it used to be better now and then, but everything has got worse lately. I felt sure it must soon end somehow. And last night he turned me out of doors ... I don’t know what to do. I will never go back to that life again if I can help it; and yet everything else seems so miserable11. I feel sure that demon will always be urging me to satisfy the craving12 that comes upon me, and the days will go on as they have done through all those miserable years. I shall always be doing wrong, and hating myself after—sinking lower and lower, and knowing that I am sinking. O can you tell me any way of getting strength? Have you ever known any one like me that got peace of mind and power to do right? Can you give me any comfort—any hope?’
While Janet was speaking, she had forgotten everything but her misery and her yearning13 for comfort. Her voice had risen from the low tone of timid distress14 to an intense pitch of imploring15 anguish16. She clasped her hands tightly, and looked at Mr. Tryon with eager questioning eyes, with parted, trembling lips, with the deep horizontal lines of overmastering pain on her brow. In this artificial life of ours, it is not often we see a human face with all a heart’s agony in it, uncontrolled by self-consciousness; when we do see it, it startles us as if we had suddenly waked into the real world of which this everyday one is but a puppet-show copy. For some moments Mr. Tryan was too deeply moved to speak.
‘Yes, dear Mrs. Dempster,’ he said at last, ‘there is comfort, there is hope for you. Believe me there is, for I speak from my own deep and hard experience.’ He paused, as if he had not made up his mind to utter the words that were urging themselves to his lips. Presently he continued, ‘Ten years ago, I felt as wretched as you do. I think my wretchedness was even worse than yours, for I had a heavier sin on my conscience. I had suffered no wrong from others as you have, and I had injured another irreparably in body and soul. The image of the wrong I had done pursued me everywhere, and I seemed on the brink17 of madness. I hated my life, for I thought, just as you do, that I should go on falling into temptation and doing more harm in the world; and I dreaded18 death, for with that sense of guilt19 on my soul, I felt that whatever state I entered on must be one of misery. But a dear friend to whom I opened my mind showed me it was just such as I—the helpless who feel themselves helpless—that God specially20 invites to come to Him, and offers all the riches of His salvation21: not forgiveness only; forgiveness would be worth little if it left us under the powers of our evil passions; but strength—that strength which enables us to conquer sin.’
‘But,’ said Janet, ‘I can feel no trust in God. He seems always to have left me to myself. I have sometimes prayed to Him to help me, and yet everything has been just the same as before. If you felt like me, how did you come to have hope and trust?’
‘Do not believe that God has left you to yourself. How can you tell but that the hardest trials you have known have been only the road by which He was leading you to that complete sense of your own sin and helplessness, without which you would never have renounced22 all other hopes, and trusted in His love alone? I know, dear Mrs. Dempster, I know it is hard to bear. I would not speak lightly of your sorrows. I feel that the mystery of our life is great, and at one time it seemed as dark to me as it does to you.’ Mr. Tryan hesitated again. He saw that the first thing Janet needed was to be assured of sympathy. She must be made to feel that her anguish was not strange to him; that he entered into the only half-expressed secrets of her spiritual weakness, before any other message of consolation23 could find its way to her heart. The tale of the Divine Pity was never yet believed from lips that were not felt to be moved by human pity. And Janet’s anguish was not strange to Mr. Tryan. He had never been in the presence of a sorrow and a self-despair that had sent so strong a thrill through all the recesses24 of his saddest experience; and it is because sympathy is but a living again through our own past in a new form, that confession25 often prompts a response of confession. Mr. Tryan felt this prompting, and his judgement, too, told him that in obeying it he would be taking the best means of administering comfort to Janet. Yet he hesitated; as we tremble to let in the daylight on a chamber26 of relics27 which we have never visited except in curtained silence. But the first impulse triumphed, and he went on. ‘I had lived all my life at a distance from God. My youth was spent in thoughtless self-indulgence, and all my hopes were of a vain worldly kind. I had no thought of entering the Church; I looked forward to a political career, for my father was private secretary to a man high in the Whig Ministry28, and had been promised strong interest in my behalf. At college I lived in intimacy29 with the gayest men, even adopting follies30 and vices31 for which I had no taste, out of mere pliancy32 and the love of standing well with my companions. You see, I was more guilty even then than you have been, for I threw away all the rich blessings34 of untroubled youth and health; I had no excuse in my outward lot. But while I was at college that event in my life occurred, which in the end brought on the state of mind I have mentioned to you—the state of self-reproach and despair, which enables me to understand to the full what you are suffering; and I tell you the facts, because I want you to be assured that I am not uttering mere vague words when I say that I have been raised from as low a depth of sin and sorrow as that in which you feel yourself to be. At college I had an attachment35 to a lovely girl of seventeen; she was very much below my own station in life, and I never contemplated36 marrying her; but I induced her to leave her father’s house. I did not mean to forsake37 her when I left college, and I quieted all scruples38 of conscience by promising39 myself that I would always take care of poor Lucy. But on my return from a vacation spent in travelling, I found that Lucy was gone—gone away with a gentleman, her neighbours said. I was a good deal distressed40, but I tried to persuade myself that no harm would come to her. Soon afterwards I had an illness which left my health delicate, and made all dissipation distasteful to me. Life seemed very wearisome and empty, and I looked with envy on every one who had some great and absorbing object—even on my cousin who was preparing to go out as a missionary41, and whom I had been used to think a dismal42, tedious person, because he was constantly urging religious subjects upon me. We were living in London then; it was three years since I had lost sight of Lucy; and one summer evening, about nine o’clock, as I was walking along Gower Street, I saw a knot of people on the causeway before me. As I came up to them, I heard one woman say, “I tell you, she is dead.” This awakened43 my interest, and I pushed my way within the circle. The body of a woman, dressed in fine clothes, was lying against a door-step. Her head was bent44 on one side, and the long curls had fallen over her cheek. A tremor45 seized me when I saw the hair: it was light chestnut—the colour of Lucy’s. I knelt down and turned aside the hair; it was Lucy—dead—with paint on her cheeks. I found out afterwards that she had taken poison—that she was in the power of a wicked woman—that the very clothes on her back were not her own. It was then that my past life burst upon me in all its hideousness46. I wished I had never been born. I couldn’t look into the future. Lucy’s dead painted face would follow me there, as it did when I looked back into the past—as it did when I sat down to table with my friends, when I lay down in my bed, and when I rose up. There was only one thing that could make life tolerable to me; that was, to spend all the rest of it in trying to save others from the ruin I had brought on one. But how was that possible for me? I had no comfort, no strength, no wisdom in my own soul; how could I give them to others? My mind was dark, rebellious48, at war with itself and with God.’
Mr. Tryan had been looking away from Janet. His face was towards the fire, and he was absorbed in the images his memory was recalling. But now he turned his eyes on her, and they met hers, fixed49 on him with the look of rapt expectation, with which one clinging to a slippery summit of a rock, while the waves are rising higher and higher, watches the boat that has put from shore to his rescue.
‘You see, Mrs. Dempster, how deep my need was. I went on in this way for months. I was convinced that if I ever got health and comfort, it must be from religion. I went to hear celebrated50 preachers, and I read religious books. But I found nothing that fitted my own need. The faith which puts the sinner in possession of salvation seemed, as I understood it, to be quite out of my reach. I had no faith; I only felt utterly51 wretched, under the power of habits and dispositions52 which had wrought53 hideous47 evil. At last, as I told you, I found a friend to whom I opened all my feelings—to whom I confessed everything. He was a man who had gone through very deep experience, and could understand the different wants of different minds. He made it clear to me that the only preparation for coming to Christ and partaking of his salvation, was that very sense of guilt and helplessness which was weighing me down. He said, You are weary and heavy-laden; well, it is you Christ invites to come to him and find rest. He asks you to cling to him, to lean on him; he does not command you to walk alone without stumbling. He does not tell you, as your fellow-men do, that you must first merit his love; he neither condemns54 nor reproaches you for the past, he only bids you come to him that you may have life: he bids you stretch out your hands, and take of the fulness of his love. You have only to rest on him as a child rests on its mother’s arms, and you will be upborne by his divine strength. That is what is meant by faith. Your evil habits, you feel, are too strong for you; you are unable to wrestle55 with them; you know beforehand you shall fall. But when once we feel our helplessness in that way, and go to the Saviour56, desiring to be freed from the power as well as the punishment of sin, we are no longer left to our own strength. As long as we live in rebellion against God, desiring to have our own will, seeking happiness in the things of this world, it is as if we shut ourselves up in a crowded stifling57 room, where we breathe only poisoned air; but we have only to walk out under the infinite heavens, and we breathe the pure free air that gives us health, and strength, and gladness. It is just so with God’s spirit: as soon as we submit ourselves to his will, as soon as we desire to be united to him, and made pure and holy, it is as if the walls had fallen down that shut us out from God, and we are fed with his spirit, which gives us new strength.’
‘That is what I want,’ said Janet; ‘I have left off minding about pleasure. I think I could be contented58 in the midst of hardship, if I felt that God cared for me, and would give me strength to lead a pure life. But tell me, did you soon find peace and strength?’
‘Not perfect peace for a long while, but hope and trust, which is strength. No sense of pardon for myself could do away with the pain I had in thinking what I had helped to bring on another. My friend used to urge upon me that my sin against God was greater than my sin against her; but—it may be from want of deeper spiritual feeling—that has remained to this hour the sin which causes me the bitterest pang59. I could never rescue Lucy; but by God’s blessing33 I might rescue other weak and falling souls; and that was why I entered the Church. I asked for nothing through the rest of my life but that I might be devoted60 to God’s work, without swerving61 in search of pleasure either to the right hand or to the left. It has been often a hard struggle—but God has been with me—and perhaps it may not last much longer.’
Mr. Tryan paused. For a moment he had forgotten Janet, and for a moment she had forgotten her own sorrows. When she recurred62 to herself, it was with a new feeling.
‘Ah, what a difference between our lives! you have been choosing pain, and working, and denying yourself; and I have been thinking only of myself. I was only angry and discontented because I had pain to bear. You never had that wicked feeling that I have had so often, did you? that God was cruel to send me trials and temptations worse than others have.’
‘Yes, I had; I had very blasphemous63 thoughts, and I know that spirit of rebellion must have made the worst part of your lot. You did not feel how impossible it is for us to judge rightly of God’s dealings, and you opposed yourself to his will. But what do we know? We cannot foretell64 the working of the smallest event in our own lot; how can we presume to judge of things that are so much too high for us? There is nothing that becomes us but entire submission65, perfect resignation. As long as we set up our own will and our own wisdom against God’s, we make that wall between us and his love which I have spoken of just now. But as soon as we lay ourselves entirely66 at his feet, we have enough light given us to guide our own steps; as the foot-soldier who hears nothing of the councils that determine the course of the great battle he is in, hears plainly enough the word of command which he must himself obey. I know, dear Mrs. Dempster, I know it is hard—the hardest thing of all, perhaps—to flesh and blood. But carry that difficulty to the Saviour along with all your other sins and weaknesses, and ask him to pour into you a spirit of submission. He enters into your struggles; he has drunk the cup of our suffering to the dregs; he knows the hard wrestling it costs us to say, “Not my will, but Thine be done.”’
‘Pray with me,’ said Janet—‘pray now that I may have light and strength.’
该作者的其它作品
《弗洛斯河上的磨坊 The Mill on the Floss》
《米德尔马契 Middlemarch》
该作者的其它作品
《弗洛斯河上的磨坊 The Mill on the Floss》
《米德尔马契 Middlemarch》
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1
agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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intensity
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| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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demon
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| n.魔鬼，恶魔 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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craving
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| n.渴望,热望 | |
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yearning
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| a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的 | |
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distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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imploring
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| 恳求的，哀求的 | |
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anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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brink
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| n.(悬崖、河流等的)边缘，边沿 | |
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dreaded
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| adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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guilt
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| n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责 | |
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specially
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| adv.特定地；特殊地；明确地 | |
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salvation
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| n.（尤指基督）救世，超度，拯救，解困 | |
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renounced
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| v.声明放弃( renounce的过去式和过去分词 )；宣布放弃；宣布与…决裂；宣布摒弃 | |
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consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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recesses
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| n.壁凹( recess的名词复数 )；（工作或业务活动的）中止或暂停期间；学校的课间休息；某物内部的凹形空间v.把某物放在墙壁的凹处( recess的第三人称单数 )；将（墙）做成凹形，在（墙）上做壁龛；休息，休会，休庭 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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relics
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| [pl.］n.遗物，遗迹，遗产；遗体，尸骸 | |
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ministry
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| n.(政府的)部；牧师 | |
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intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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follies
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| 罪恶，时事讽刺剧； 愚蠢，蠢笨，愚蠢的行为、思想或做法( folly的名词复数 ) | |
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vices
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| 缺陷( vice的名词复数 )； 恶习； 不道德行为； 台钳 | |
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pliancy
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| n.柔软，柔顺 | |
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blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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blessings
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| n.（上帝的）祝福( blessing的名词复数 )；好事；福分；因祸得福 | |
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attachment
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| n.附属物，附件；依恋；依附 | |
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contemplated
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| adj. 预期的 动词contemplate的过去分词形式 | |
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forsake
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| vt.遗弃，抛弃；舍弃，放弃 | |
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scruples
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| n.良心上的不安( scruple的名词复数 )；顾虑，顾忌v.感到于心不安，有顾忌( scruple的第三人称单数 ) | |
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promising
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| adj.有希望的，有前途的 | |
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distressed
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| 痛苦的 | |
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missionary
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| adj.教会的，传教(士)的；n.传教士 | |
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dismal
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| adj.阴沉的，凄凉的，令人忧郁的，差劲的 | |
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awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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tremor
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| n.震动，颤动，战栗，兴奋，地震 | |
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hideousness
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hideous
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| adj.丑陋的，可憎的，可怕的，恐怖的 | |
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rebellious
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| adj.造反的，反抗的，难控制的 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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celebrated
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| adj.有名的，声誉卓著的 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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dispositions
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| 安排( disposition的名词复数 )； 倾向； （财产、金钱的）处置； 气质 | |
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wrought
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| v.引起；以…原料制作；运转；adj.制造的 | |
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condemns
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| v.（通常因道义上的原因而）谴责( condemn的第三人称单数 )；宣判；宣布…不能使用；迫使…陷于不幸的境地 | |
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wrestle
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| vi.摔跤，角力；搏斗；全力对付 | |
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saviour
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| n.拯救者，救星 | |
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stifling
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| a.令人窒息的 | |
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contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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pang
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| n.剧痛，悲痛，苦闷 | |
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devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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61
swerving
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| v.（使）改变方向，改变目的( swerve的现在分词 ) | |
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62
recurred
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| 再发生，复发( recur的过去式和过去分词 )； 治愈 | |
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63
blasphemous
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| adj.亵渎神明的，不敬神的 | |
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64
foretell
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| v.预言，预告，预示 | |
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65
submission
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| n.服从，投降；温顺，谦虚；提出 | |
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66
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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