He is also, by their device, engaged in an Adventure with the Exciseman, who does not find his Account in his own Drollery3.
Howsomever preposterous4 and unaccountable that passion may be which prompts persons, otherwise generous and sympathizing, to afflict5 and perplex their fellow-creatures, certain it is, our confederates entertained such a large proportion of it, that not satisfied with the pranks6 they had already played, they still persecuted7 the commodore without ceasing. In the course of his own history, the particulars of which he delighted to recount, he had often rehearsed an adventure of deer-stealing, in which, during the unthinking impetuosity of his youth, he had been unfortunately concerned. Far from succeeding in that achievement, he and his associates had, it seems, been made prisoners, after an obstinate8 engagement with the keepers, and carried before a neighbouring justice of the peace, who used Trunnion with great indignity9, and with his companions committed him to jail.
His own relations, and in particular an uncle on whom he chiefly depended, treated him during his confinement10 with great rigour and inhumanity and absolutely refused to interpose his influence in his behalf, unless he would sign a writing, obliging himself to go to sea within thirty days after his release, under the penalty of being proceeded against as a felon11. The alternative was, either to undergo this voluntary exile, or remain in prison disowned and deserted12 by everybody, and, after all, suffer an ignominious13 trial, that might end in a sentence of transportation for life. He therefore, without much hesitation14, embraced the proposal of his kinsman15, and, as he observed, was, in less than a month after his discharge, turned adrift to the mercy of the wind and waves.
Since that period he had never maintained any correspondence with his relations, all of whom had concurred16 in sending him off; nor would he ever pay the least regard to the humiliations and supplications of some among them, who had prostrated17 themselves before him, on the advancement18 of his fortune: but he retained a most inveterate19 resentment20 against his uncle, who was still in being, though extremely old and infirm, and frequently mentioned his name with all the bitterness of revenge.
Perry being perfectly21 well acquainted with the particulars of this story, which he had heard so often repeated, proposed to Hatchway that a person should be hired to introduce himself to the commodore, with a supposititious letter of recommendation from this detested22 kinsman; an imposition that, in all likelihood, would afford abundance of diversion.
The lieutenant24 relished25 the scheme and young Pickle26 having composed an epistle for the occasion, the exciseman of the parish, a fellow of great impudence27 and some humour, in whom Hatchway could confide28, undertook to transcribe29 and deliver it with his own hand, and also personate the man in whose favour it was feigned30 to be written. He, accordingly, one morning arrived on horseback at the garrison31, two hours at least before Trunnion used to get up, and gave Pipes, who admitted him, to understand, that he had a letter from his master, which he was ordered to deliver to none but the commodore himself. This message was no sooner communicated, than the indignant chief (who had been waked for the purpose) began to curse the messenger for breaking his rest, and swore he would not budge32 till his usual time of turning out. This resolution being conveyed to the stranger, he desired the carrier to go back and tell him, he had such joyful33 tidings to impart, that he was sure the commodore would think himself amply rewarded for his trouble, even if he had been raised from the grave to receive them.
This assurance, flattering as it was, would not have been powerful enough to persuade him, had it not been assisted with the exhortations34 of his spouse35, which never failed to influence his conduct. He therefore crept out of bed, though not without great repugnance36; and wrapping himself in his morning gown, was supported down-stairs, rubbing his eye, yawning fearfully, and grumbling37 in the way. As soon as he popped his head into the parlour, the supposed stranger made divers23 awkward bows, and with a grinning aspect accosted38 him in these words: “Your most humble39 servant, most noble commodore! I hope you are in good health; you look pure and hearty40; and if it was not for that misfortune of your eye, one would not desire to see a more pleasant countenance41 in a summer’s day. Sure as I am a living soul, one would take you to be on this side of threescore. Lord help us, I should have known you to be a Trunnion, if I had met with one in the midst of Salisbury Plain, as the saying is.”
The commodore, who was not at all in the humour of relishing42 such an impertinent preamble43, interrupted him in this place, saying, with a peevish44 accent, “Pshaw! pshaw! brother, there’s no occasion to bowse out so much unnecessary gun; if you can’t bring your discourse45 to bear on the right subject, you had much better clap a stopper on your tongue, and bring yourself up, d’ye see; I was told you had something to deliver.”—“Deliver!” cried the waggish46 impostor, “odds heart! I have got something for you that will make your very entrails rejoice within your body. Here’s a letter from a dear and worthy47 friend of yours. Take, read it, and be happy. Blessings48 on his old heart! one would think he had renewed his age, like the eagle’s.” Trunnion’s expectation being thus raised, he called for his spectacles, adjusted them to his eye, took the letter, and being curious to know the subscription49, no sooner perceived his uncle’s name, then he started back, his lip quivered, and he began to shake in every limb with resentment and surprise; eager to know the subject of an epistle from a person who had never before troubled him with any sort of address, he endeavoured to recollect50 himself, and perused51 the contents, which were these;—
“Loving Nephew,— I doubt not but you will be rejoiced to hear of my welfare; and well you may, considering what a kind uncle I have been to you in the days of your youth, and how little you deserved any such thing; for yet, was always a graceless young man, given to wicked courses and bad company, whereby you would have come to a shameful52 end, had it not been for my care in sending you out of mischief’s way. But this is not the cause of my present writing. The bearer, Mr. Timothy Trickle53, is a distant relation of yours, being the son of the cousin of your aunt Margery, and is not over and above well as to worldly matters. He thinks of going to London, to see for some post in the excise2 or customs if so be that you will recommend him to some great man of your acquaintance, and give him a small matter to keep him till he is provided. I doubt not, nephew, but you will be glad to serve him, if it was no more but for the respect you bear to me, who am,— Loving nephew, your affectionate uncle, and servant to command,
“Tobiah Trunnion.”
It would be a difficult task for the inimitable Hogarth himself to exhibit the ludicrous expression of the commodore’s countenance while he read this letter. It was not a stare of astonishment54, a convulsion of rage, or a ghastly grin of revenge; but an association of all three, that took possession of his features. At length, he hawked55 up, with incredible straining, the interjection, “Ah!” that seemed to have stuck some time in his windpipe; and thus gave vent1 to his indignation: “Have I come alongside of you at last, you old stinking56 curmudgeon57? You lie, you lousy hulk! ye lie! you did all in your power to founder58 me when I was a stripling; and as for being graceless and wicked, and keeping bad company, you tell a d — d lie again, you thief! there was not a more peaceable lad in the county, and I kept no bad company but your own, d’ye see. Therefore, you Trickle, or what’s your name, tell the old rascal59 that sent you hither, that I spit in his face, and call him horse; that I tear his letter into rags, so; and that I trample60 upon it as I would upon his own villainous carcase, d’ye see.” So saying, he danced in a sort of frenzy61 upon the fragments of the paper, which he had scattered62 about the room, to the inexpressible satisfaction of the triumvirate, who beheld63 the scene.
The exciseman having got between him and the door, which was left open for his escape, in case of necessity, affected64 great confusion and surprise at his behaviour, saying, with an air of mortification65, “Lord be merciful unto me! is this the way you treat your own relations, and the recommendation of your best friend? Surely all gratitude66 and virtue67 has left this sinful world! What will cousin Tim, and Dick, and Tom, and good mother Pipkin; and her daughters cousin Sue, and Prue, and Peg68, with all the rest of our kinsfolks, say, when they hear of this unconscionable reception that I have met with? Consider, sir, that ingratitude69 is worse than the sin of witchcraft70, as the Apostle wisely observes; and do not send me away with such unchristian usage, which will lay a heavy load of guilt71 upon your poor miserable72 soul.”—“What, you are on a cruise for a post, brother Trickle, an’t ye?” said Trunnion, interrupting him, “we shall find a post for you in a trice, my boy. Here, Pipes, take this saucy73 son of a b — and help him to the whipping-post in the yard. I’ll teach you to rouse me in the morning with such impertinent messages.”
Pipes, who wanted to carry the joke farther than the exciseman dreamt of, laid hold of him in a twinkling, and executed the orders of his commander, notwithstanding all his nods, winking74, and significant gestures, which the boatswain’s mate would by no means understand; so that he began to repent75 of the part he acted in this performance, which was like to end so tragically76; and stood fastened to the stake, in a very disagreeable state of suspense77; casting many a rueful look over his left shoulder, while Pipes was absent in quest of a cat-o’-nine-tails, in expectation of being relieved by the interposition of the lieutenant, who did not, however, appear. Tom, returning with the instrument of correction, undressed the delinquent78 in a trice, and whispering in his ear, that he was very sorry for being employed in such an office, but durst not for his soul disobey the orders of his commander, flourished the scourge79 about his head, and with admirable dexterity80 made such a smarting application to the offender’s back and shoulders, that the distracted gauger81 performed sundry82 new cuts with his feet, and bellowed83 hideously84 with pain, to the infinite satisfaction of the spectators. At length, when he was almost flayed85 from his rump to the nape of his neck, Hatchway, who had purposely absented himself hitherto, appeared in the yard, and interposing in his behalf, prevailed upon Trunnion to call off the executioner, and ordered the malefactor86 to be released.
The exciseman, mad with the catastrophe87 he had undergone, threatened to be revenged upon his employers, by making a candid88 confession89 of the whole plot; but the lieutenant giving him to understand, that in so doing, he would bring upon himself a prosecution90 for fraud, forgery91, and imposture92, he was fain to put up with his loss; and sneaked93 out of the garrison, attended with a volley of curses discharged upon him by the commodore, who was exceedingly irritated by the disturbance94 and disappointment he had undergone.
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vent
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| n.通风口，排放口；开衩；vt.表达，发泄 | |
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excise
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| n.(国产)货物税；vt.切除，删去 | |
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drollery
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| n.开玩笑，说笑话；滑稽可笑的图画（或故事、小戏等） | |
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preposterous
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| adj.荒谬的，可笑的 | |
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afflict
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| vt.使身体或精神受痛苦，折磨 | |
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pranks
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| n.玩笑，恶作剧( prank的名词复数 ) | |
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persecuted
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| （尤指宗教或政治信仰的）迫害(~sb. for sth.)( persecute的过去式和过去分词 )； 烦扰，困扰或骚扰某人 | |
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obstinate
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| adj.顽固的，倔强的，不易屈服的，较难治愈的 | |
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indignity
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| n.侮辱，伤害尊严，轻蔑 | |
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confinement
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| n.幽禁，拘留，监禁；分娩；限制，局限 | |
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felon
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| n.重罪犯；adj.残忍的 | |
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deserted
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| adj.荒芜的，荒废的，无人的，被遗弃的 | |
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ignominious
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| adj.可鄙的，不光彩的，耻辱的 | |
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hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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kinsman
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| n.男亲属 | |
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concurred
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| 同意（concur的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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prostrated
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| v.使俯伏，使拜倒( prostrate的过去式和过去分词 )；（指疾病、天气等）使某人无能为力 | |
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advancement
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| n.前进，促进，提升 | |
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inveterate
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| adj.积习已深的，根深蒂固的 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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detested
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| v.憎恶，嫌恶，痛恨( detest的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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divers
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| adj.不同的；种种的 | |
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lieutenant
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| n.陆军中尉，海军上尉；代理官员，副职官员 | |
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relished
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| v.欣赏( relish的过去式和过去分词 )；从…获得乐趣；渴望 | |
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pickle
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| n.腌汁，泡菜；v.腌，泡 | |
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impudence
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| n.厚颜无耻；冒失；无礼 | |
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confide
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| v.向某人吐露秘密 | |
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transcribe
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| v.抄写，誉写；改编(乐曲)；复制，转录 | |
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feigned
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| a.假装的，不真诚的 | |
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garrison
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| n.卫戍部队；驻地，卫戍区；vt.派(兵)驻防 | |
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budge
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| v.移动一点儿；改变立场 | |
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joyful
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| adj.欢乐的，令人欢欣的 | |
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exhortations
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| n.敦促( exhortation的名词复数 )；极力推荐；（正式的）演讲；（宗教仪式中的）劝诫 | |
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spouse
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| n.配偶(指夫或妻) | |
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repugnance
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| n.嫌恶 | |
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grumbling
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| adj. 喃喃鸣不平的, 出怨言的 | |
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accosted
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| v.走过去跟…讲话( accost的过去式和过去分词 )；跟…搭讪；（乞丐等）上前向…乞讨；（妓女等）勾搭 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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hearty
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| adj.热情友好的；衷心的；尽情的，纵情的 | |
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countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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relishing
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| v.欣赏( relish的现在分词 )；从…获得乐趣；渴望 | |
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preamble
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| n.前言；序文 | |
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peevish
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| adj.易怒的，坏脾气的 | |
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discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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waggish
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| adj.诙谐的，滑稽的 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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blessings
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| n.（上帝的）祝福( blessing的名词复数 )；好事；福分；因祸得福 | |
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subscription
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| n.预订，预订费，亲笔签名，调配法，下标（处方） | |
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recollect
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| v.回忆，想起，记起，忆起，记得 | |
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51
perused
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| v.读（某篇文字）( peruse的过去式和过去分词 )；（尤指）细阅；审阅；匆匆读或心不在焉地浏览（某篇文字） | |
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52
shameful
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| adj.可耻的，不道德的 | |
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53
trickle
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| vi.淌，滴，流出，慢慢移动，逐渐消散 | |
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astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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hawked
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| 通过叫卖主动兜售（hawk的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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stinking
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| adj.臭的，烂醉的，讨厌的v.散发出恶臭( stink的现在分词 )；发臭味；名声臭；糟透 | |
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57
curmudgeon
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| n. 脾气暴躁之人，守财奴，吝啬鬼 | |
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Founder
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| n.创始者，缔造者 | |
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rascal
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| n.流氓；不诚实的人 | |
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trample
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| vt.踩，践踏；无视，伤害，侵犯 | |
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frenzy
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| n.疯狂，狂热，极度的激动 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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beheld
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| v.看，注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 )；瞧；看呀；（叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现）哎哟 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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mortification
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| n.耻辱，屈辱 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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peg
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| n.木栓，木钉；vt.用木钉钉，用短桩固定 | |
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ingratitude
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| n.忘恩负义 | |
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witchcraft
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| n.魔法，巫术 | |
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guilt
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| n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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saucy
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| adj.无礼的；俊俏的；活泼的 | |
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winking
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| n.瞬眼，目语v.使眼色( wink的现在分词 )；递眼色（表示友好或高兴等）；（指光）闪烁；闪亮 | |
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repent
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| v.悔悟，悔改，忏悔，后悔 | |
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tragically
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| adv. 悲剧地，悲惨地 | |
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suspense
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| n.（对可能发生的事）紧张感，担心，挂虑 | |
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delinquent
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| adj.犯法的，有过失的；n.违法者 | |
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scourge
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| n.灾难，祸害；v.蹂躏 | |
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dexterity
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| n.(手的)灵巧，灵活 | |
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gauger
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| n.收税官 | |
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sundry
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| adj.各式各样的，种种的 | |
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bellowed
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| v.发出吼叫声，咆哮（尤指因痛苦）( bellow的过去式和过去分词 )；（愤怒地）说出（某事），大叫 | |
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hideously
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| adv.可怕地，非常讨厌地 | |
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85
flayed
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| v.痛打( flay的过去式和过去分词 )；把…打得皮开肉绽；剥（通常指动物）的皮；严厉批评 | |
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86
malefactor
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| n.罪犯 | |
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87
catastrophe
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| n.大灾难，大祸 | |
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candid
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| adj.公正的，正直的；坦率的 | |
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89
confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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90
prosecution
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| n.起诉，告发，检举，执行，经营 | |
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91
forgery
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| n.伪造的文件等，赝品，伪造（行为） | |
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92
imposture
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| n.冒名顶替，欺骗 | |
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93
sneaked
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| v.潜行( sneak的过去式和过去分词 )；偷偷溜走；（儿童向成人）打小报告；告状 | |
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94
disturbance
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| n.动乱，骚动；打扰，干扰；(身心)失调 | |
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