I cultivate an Acquaintance with two Noblemen — am introduced to earl Strutwell — his kind Promise and Invitation — the Behaviour of his Porter and Lacquey — he receives me with an Appearance of uncommon1 Affection — undertakes to speak in my Behalf to the Minister — informs me of his Success, and wishes me Joy — introduces a Conversation about Fetronius Arbiter2 — falls in Love with my Watch, which I press upon him — I make a present of a Diamond Ring to Lord Straddle — impart my good Fortune to Strap3 and Banter4, who disabuses5 me, to my utter Mortification6
Baffled hitherto in my matrimonial schemes, I began to question my talents for the science of fortune-hunting, and to bend my thoughts towards some employment under the government. With the view of procuring7 which, I cultivated the acquaintance of Lords Straddle and Swillpot, whose fathers were men of interest at court. I found these young noblemen as open to my advances as I could desire; I accompanied them in their midnight rambles8, and often dined with them at taverns9, where I had the honour of paying the reckoning.
I one day took the opportunity, while I was loaded with protestations of friendship, to disclose my desire of being settled in some sinecure10, and to solicit11 their influence in my behalf. Swillpot, squeezing my hand, said, I might depend upon his service by G—. The other swore that no man would be more proud than he to run my errands. Encouraged by these declarations, I ventured to express an inclination13 to be introduced to their fathers, who were able to do my business at once. Swillpot frankly14 owned he had not spoken to his father these three years; and Straddle assured me, his father, having lately disobliged the minister by subscribing15 his name to a protest in the house of peers, was thereby16 rendered incapable17 of serving his friends at present; but he undertook to make me acquainted with Earl Strutwell, who was hand and glove with a certain person who ruled the roast. This offer I embraced with many acknowledgments, and plied18 him so closely, in spite of a thousand evasions19, that he found himself under a necessity of keeping his word, and actually carried me to the levee of this great man, where he left me in a crowd of fellow-dependents, and was ushered20 to a particular closet audience; from whence, in a few minutes, he returned with his lordship, who took me by the hand, assured me he would do me all the service he could, and desired to see me often. I was charmed with my reception, and, although I had heard that a courtier’s promise is not to be depended upon, I thought I discovered so much sweetness of temper and candour in this earl’s countenance21, that I did not doubt of finding my account in his protection. I resolved therefore to profit by this permission, and waited on him next audience day, when I was favoured with a particular smile, squeeze of the hand, and a whisper, signifying that he wanted half-an-hour’s conversation with me in private, when he should be disengaged, and for that purpose desired me to come and drink a dish of chocolate with him to-morrow morning.
This invitation, which did not a little flatter my vanity and expectation, I took care to observe, and went to his lordship’s house at the time appointed. Having rapped at the gate, the porter unbolted and kept it half open, placing himself in the gap, like soldiers in the broach22, to dispute my passage. I asked if his lord was stirring? He answered with a surly aspect, “ No.” “At what hour does he commonly rise?” said I. “Sometimes sooner, sometimes later,” said he, closing the door upon me by degrees. I then told him I was come by his lordship’s own appointment, to which intimation this Cerberus replied, “I have received no orders about the matter,” and was upon the point of shutting me out, when I recollected23 myself all of a sudden, and slipping a crown into his hand, begged as a favour that he would inquire, and let me know whether or not the earl was up. The grim janitor24 relented at the touch of my money, which he took with all the indifference25 of a taxgatherer, and showed me into a parlour, where, he said, I might amuse myself till such time as his lord should be awake. I had not sat ten minutes in this place, when a footman entered, and, without speaking, started at me; I interpreted this piece of his behaviour into, “Pray, sir, what is your business?” and asked the same question I had put to the porter, when I accosted26 him first. The lacquey made the same reply, and disappeared before I could get any further intelligence. In a little time he returned, on pretence27 of poking28 the fire, and looked at me again with great earnestness; upon which I began to perceive his meaning, and, tipping him with half-a-crown, desired he would be so good as to fall upon some method of letting the earl know that I was in the house. He made a low bow, said, “Yes, sir,” and vanished. This bounty29 was not thrown away, for in an instant he came back, and conducted me to a chamber30, where I was received with great kindness and familiarity by his lordship, whom I found just risen, in his morning-gown, and slippers31. After breakfast, he entered into a particular conversation with me about my travels, the remarks I had made abroad, and examined me to the full extent of my understanding. My answers seemed to please him very much, he frequently squeezed my hand, and, looking at me with a singular complacency in his countenance, bade me depend upon his good offices with the ministry32 in my behalf. “Young men of your qualifications,” said he, “ought to be cherished by every administration. For my own part, I see so little merit in the world, that I have laid it down as a maxim33, to encourage the least appearance of genius and virtue34 to the utmost of my power: you have a great deal of both; and will not fail of making a figure one day, if I am not mistaken; but you must lay your account with mounting by gradual steps to the summit of your fortune. Rome was not built in a day. As you understand the languages perfectly35 well, how would you like to cross the sea as secretary to an embassy?” I assured his lordship, with great eagerness, that nothing could be more agreeable to my inclination: upon which he bade me make myself easy, my business was done, for he had a place of that kind in his view. This piece of generosity36 affected37 me so much, that I was unable for some time to express my gratitude38, which at length broke out in acknowledgments of my own unworthiness, and encomiums on his benevolence39. I could not even help shedding tears at the goodness of this noble lord, who no sooner perceived them than he caught me in his arms, and hugged and kissed me with a seemingly paternal40 affection. Confounded at this uncommon instance of fondness for a stranger, I remained a few moments silent and ashamed; then rose and took my leave, after he had assured me that he would speak to the minister in my favour that very day; and desired that I would not for the future give myself the trouble of attending at his levee, but come at the same hour every day, when he should be at leisure, that is, three times a week.
Though my hopes were now very sanguine41, I determined42 to conceal43 my prospect44 from everybody, even from Strap, until I should be more certain of success: and in the meantime give my patron no respite45 from my solicitations. When I renewed my visit, I found the street-door opened to me as if by enchantment46; but in my passage towards the presence-room, I was met by the valet-de-chambre, who cast some furious looks at me the meaning of which I could not comprehend. The earl saluted47 me at entrance with a tender embrace, and wished me joy of his success with the Premier48, who, he said, had preferred his recommendation to that of two other noblemen very urgent in behalf of their respective friends, and absolutely promised that I should go to a certain foreign court in quality of secretary to an ambassador and plenipotentiary who was to set out in a few weeks an affair of vast importance to the nation. I was thunderstruck with my good fortune, and could make no other reply than kneel and attempt to kiss my benefactor’s hand, which submission49 he would not permit; but, raising me up, pressed me to his breast with surprising emotion, and told me he had now taken upon himself the care of making my fortune. What enhanced the value of the benefit still the more, was his making light of the favour, and shifting the conversation to another subject.
Among other topics of discourse50, that of the Belles51 Lettres was introduced, upon which his lordship held forth52 with great taste and erudition and discovered an intimate knowledge of the authors of antiquity53, “Here’s a book,” said he, taking one from his bosom54, “written with great elegance55 and spirit; and, though the subject may give offence to some narrow-minded people, the author will always be held in esteem56 by every person of wit and learning.” So saying, he put into my hand Petronius Arbiter, and asked my opinion of his wit and manner. I told him, that, in my opinion, he wrote with great ease and vivacity57, but was withal so lewd58 and indecent that he ought to find no quarter or protection among people of morals and taste. “I own,” replied the earl, “that his taste in love is generally decried59, and indeed condemned60 by our laws; but perhaps that may be more owing to prejudice and misapprehension than to true reason and deliberation. The best man among the ancients is said to have entertained that passion; one of the wisest of their legislators has permitted the indulgence of it in his commonwealth61; the most celebrated62 poets have not scrupled63 to avow64 it. At this day it prevails not only over all the East, but in most parts of Europe; in our own country, it gains ground apace, and in all probability will become in a short time a more, fashionable vice12 than simple fornication. Indeed there is something to be said in vindication65 of it; for, notwithstanding the severity of the law against offenders66 in this way, it must be confessed that the practice of this passion is unattended with that curse and burthen upon society which proceeds from a race of miserable67 and deserted68 bastards69, who are either murdered by their parents, deserted to the utmost want and wretchedness, or bred up to prey71 upon the commonwealth: and it likewise prevents the debauchery of many a young maiden72, and the prostitution of honest men’s wives; not to mention the consideration of health, which is much less liable to be impaired73 in the gratification of this appetite, than in the exercise of common venery, which, by ruining the constitutions of our young men, has produced a puny74 progeny75 that degenerates76 from generation to generation. Nay77, I have been told, that there is another motive78 perhaps more powerful than all these, that induces people to cultivate this inclination; namely, the exquisite79 pleasure attending its success.”
From this discourse I began to be apprehensive80 that his lordship, finding I had travelled, was afraid I might have been infected with this spurious and sordid81 desire abroad, and took this method of sounding my sentiments on the subject. Fired at this supposed suspicion, I argued against it with great warmth, as an appetite unnatural82, absurd, and of pernicious consequence; and declared my utter detestation and abhorrence83 of it in these lines of the satirist84: —
Eternal infamy85 the wretch70 confound
Who planted first that vice on British ground!
A vice! That spite of nature and sense reigns86,
And poisons genial87 love, and manhood stains.
The earl smiled at my indignation, and told me he was glad to find my opinion of the matter so conformable to his own, and that what he had advanced was only to provoke me to an answer, with which he professed88 himself perfectly well pleased. After I had enjoyed a long audience, I happened to look at my watch, in order to regulate my motions by it; and his lordship, observing the chased case, desired to see the device, and examine the exception, which he approved with some expressions of admiration89. Considering the obligations I lay under to his lordship, I thought there could not be a fitter opportunity than the present to manifest, in some shape, my gratitude; I therefore begged he would do me the honour to accept of the watch as a small testimony90 of the sense I had of his lordship’s generosity; but, he refused it in a peremptory91 manner, and said he was sorry I should entertain such a mercenary opinion of him; observing at the same time, that it was the most beautiful piece of workmanship he had ever seen, and desiring to know where he could have such another. I begged a thousand pardons for the freedom I had taken, which I hoped he would impute92 to nothing else than the highest veneration93 for his person — told him, that, as it came to my hand by accident in France, I could give him no information about the maker94, for there was no name on the inside; and once more humbly95 entreated96 that he would indulge me so far as to use it for my sake. He was still positive in refusing it; but was pleased to thank me for my generous offer, saying, it was a present that no nobleman need be ashamed of receiving: though he was resolved to show his disinterestedness97 with regard to me, for whom he had conceived a particular friendship; and insisted (if I were willing to part with the watch) upon knowing what it had cost, that he might at least indemnify me, by refunding98 the money. On the other hand, I assured his lordship that I should look upon it as an uncommon mark of distinction, if he would take it without further question; and, rather than disoblige me, he was at last persuaded to put it in his pocket, to my no small satisfaction, who took my leave immediately, after having received a kind squeeze, and an injunction to depend upon his promise.
Buoyed99 up with this reception, my heart opened; I gave away a guinea, among the lacqueys, who escorted me to the door, flew to the lodgings100 of Lord Straddle, upon whom I forced my diamond ring as an acknowledgment for the great service he had done me, and from thence hied me home, with an intent of sharing my happiness with honest Strap. I determined, however, to heighten his pleasure, by depressing his spirits at first, and then bringing in good news with double relish101. For this purpose, I affected the appearance of disappointment and chagrin102, and told him in an abrupt103 manner that I had lost the watch and diamond. Poor Hugh, who had been already harassed104 into a consumption by intelligence of this sort, no sooner heard these words, than, unable to contain himself, he cried, with distraction105 in his looks, “God in heaven forbid!” I could carry on the farce106 no longer; but, laughing in his face, told him everything that had passed, as above recited. His features were immediately unbended, and the transition was so affecting, that he wept with joy, calling my Lord Strutwell by the appellations107 of Jewel, Phoenix108, Rara avis; and praising God, that there was still some virtue left among our nobility. Our mutual109 congratulations being over, we gave way to our imagination, and anticipated our happiness by prosecuting110 our success through the different steps of promotion111, till I arrived at the rank of a prime minister, and he to that of my first secretary.
Intoxicated112 with these ideas, I went to the ordinary, where, meeting with Banter, I communicated the whole affair in confidence to him, concluding with an assurance that I would do him all the service in my power. He heard me to an end with great patience, then regarding me a good while with a look of disdain113, pronounced, “So your business is done, you think?” “As good as done. I believe,” said I. “I’ll tell you,” replied he, “what will do it still more effectually — a halter! ‘Sdeath! if I had been such a gull114 to two such scoundrels as Strutwell and Straddle, I would, without any more ado, tuck myself up.” Shocked at this exclamation115, I desired him with some confusion to explain himself; upon which he gave me to understand that Straddle was a poor contemptible116 wretch, who lived by borrowing and pimping for his fellow-peers; that in consequence of this last capacity, he had doubtless introduced me to Strutwell, who was so notorious for a passion for his own sex that he was amazed his character had never reached my ears; and that, far from being able to obtain for me the post he had promised, his interest at court was so low, that he could scarce provide for a superannuated117 footman once a year in the customs or excise118; that it was a common thing for him to amuse strangers, whom his jackals ran down, with such assurances and caresses119 as he had bestowed120 on me, until he had stripped them of their cash, and everything valuable about them, very often of their chastity, and then leave them a prey to want and infamy: that he allowed his servants no other wages than that part of the spoil which they could glean121 by their industry; and the whole of his conduct towards me was so glaring, that nobody who knew anything of mankind could have been imposed upon by his insinuations.
I leave the reader to judge how I relished122 this piece of information, which precipitated123 me from the most exalted124 pinnacle125 of hope to the lowest abyss of despondence, and well nigh determined me to take Banter’s advice and finish my chagrin with a halter. I had no room to suspect the veracity126 of my friend, because, upon recollection, I found every circumstance of Strutwell’s behaviour exactly tallying127 with the character he had described; his hugs, embraces, squeezes, and eager looks, were now no longer a mystery; no more than his defence of Petronius, and the jealous frown of his valet-de-chambre, who, it seems, had been the favourite pathic of his lord.
1 uncommon | |
adj.罕见的,非凡的,不平常的 | |
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2 arbiter | |
n.仲裁人,公断人 | |
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3 strap | |
n.皮带,带子;v.用带扣住,束牢;用绷带包扎 | |
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4 banter | |
n.嘲弄,戏谑;v.取笑,逗弄,开玩笑 | |
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5 disabuses | |
v.去除…的错误想法( disabuse的第三人称单数 );使醒悟 | |
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6 mortification | |
n.耻辱,屈辱 | |
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7 procuring | |
v.(努力)取得, (设法)获得( procure的现在分词 );拉皮条 | |
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8 rambles | |
(无目的地)漫游( ramble的第三人称单数 ); (喻)漫谈; 扯淡; 长篇大论 | |
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9 taverns | |
n.小旅馆,客栈,酒馆( tavern的名词复数 ) | |
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10 sinecure | |
n.闲差事,挂名职务 | |
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11 solicit | |
vi.勾引;乞求;vt.请求,乞求;招揽(生意) | |
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12 vice | |
n.坏事;恶习;[pl.]台钳,老虎钳;adj.副的 | |
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13 inclination | |
n.倾斜;点头;弯腰;斜坡;倾度;倾向;爱好 | |
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14 frankly | |
adv.坦白地,直率地;坦率地说 | |
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15 subscribing | |
v.捐助( subscribe的现在分词 );签署,题词;订阅;同意 | |
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16 thereby | |
adv.因此,从而 | |
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17 incapable | |
adj.无能力的,不能做某事的 | |
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18 plied | |
v.使用(工具)( ply的过去式和过去分词 );经常供应(食物、饮料);固定往来;经营生意 | |
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19 evasions | |
逃避( evasion的名词复数 ); 回避; 遁辞; 借口 | |
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20 ushered | |
v.引,领,陪同( usher的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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21 countenance | |
n.脸色,面容;面部表情;vt.支持,赞同 | |
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22 broach | |
v.开瓶,提出(题目) | |
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23 recollected | |
adj.冷静的;镇定的;被回忆起的;沉思默想的v.记起,想起( recollect的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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24 janitor | |
n.看门人,管门人 | |
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25 indifference | |
n.不感兴趣,不关心,冷淡,不在乎 | |
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26 accosted | |
v.走过去跟…讲话( accost的过去式和过去分词 );跟…搭讪;(乞丐等)上前向…乞讨;(妓女等)勾搭 | |
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27 pretence | |
n.假装,作假;借口,口实;虚伪;虚饰 | |
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28 poking | |
n. 刺,戳,袋 vt. 拨开,刺,戳 vi. 戳,刺,捅,搜索,伸出,行动散慢 | |
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29 bounty | |
n.慷慨的赠予物,奖金;慷慨,大方;施与 | |
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30 chamber | |
n.房间,寝室;会议厅;议院;会所 | |
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31 slippers | |
n. 拖鞋 | |
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32 ministry | |
n.(政府的)部;牧师 | |
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33 maxim | |
n.格言,箴言 | |
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34 virtue | |
n.德行,美德;贞操;优点;功效,效力 | |
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35 perfectly | |
adv.完美地,无可非议地,彻底地 | |
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36 generosity | |
n.大度,慷慨,慷慨的行为 | |
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37 affected | |
adj.不自然的,假装的 | |
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38 gratitude | |
adj.感激,感谢 | |
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39 benevolence | |
n.慈悲,捐助 | |
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40 paternal | |
adj.父亲的,像父亲的,父系的,父方的 | |
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41 sanguine | |
adj.充满希望的,乐观的,血红色的 | |
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42 determined | |
adj.坚定的;有决心的 | |
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43 conceal | |
v.隐藏,隐瞒,隐蔽 | |
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44 prospect | |
n.前景,前途;景色,视野 | |
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45 respite | |
n.休息,中止,暂缓 | |
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46 enchantment | |
n.迷惑,妖术,魅力 | |
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47 saluted | |
v.欢迎,致敬( salute的过去式和过去分词 );赞扬,赞颂 | |
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48 premier | |
adj.首要的;n.总理,首相 | |
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49 submission | |
n.服从,投降;温顺,谦虚;提出 | |
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50 discourse | |
n.论文,演说;谈话;话语;vi.讲述,著述 | |
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51 belles | |
n.美女( belle的名词复数 );最美的美女 | |
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52 forth | |
adv.向前;向外,往外 | |
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53 antiquity | |
n.古老;高龄;古物,古迹 | |
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54 bosom | |
n.胸,胸部;胸怀;内心;adj.亲密的 | |
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55 elegance | |
n.优雅;优美,雅致;精致,巧妙 | |
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56 esteem | |
n.尊敬,尊重;vt.尊重,敬重;把…看作 | |
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57 vivacity | |
n.快活,活泼,精神充沛 | |
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58 lewd | |
adj.淫荡的 | |
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59 decried | |
v.公开反对,谴责( decry的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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60 condemned | |
adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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61 commonwealth | |
n.共和国,联邦,共同体 | |
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62 celebrated | |
adj.有名的,声誉卓著的 | |
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63 scrupled | |
v.感到于心不安,有顾忌( scruple的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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64 avow | |
v.承认,公开宣称 | |
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65 vindication | |
n.洗冤,证实 | |
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66 offenders | |
n.冒犯者( offender的名词复数 );犯规者;罪犯;妨害…的人(或事物) | |
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67 miserable | |
adj.悲惨的,痛苦的;可怜的,糟糕的 | |
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68 deserted | |
adj.荒芜的,荒废的,无人的,被遗弃的 | |
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69 bastards | |
私生子( bastard的名词复数 ); 坏蛋; 讨厌的事物; 麻烦事 (认为别人走运或不幸时说)家伙 | |
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70 wretch | |
n.可怜的人,不幸的人;卑鄙的人 | |
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71 prey | |
n.被掠食者,牺牲者,掠食;v.捕食,掠夺,折磨 | |
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72 maiden | |
n.少女,处女;adj.未婚的,纯洁的,无经验的 | |
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73 impaired | |
adj.受损的;出毛病的;有(身体或智力)缺陷的v.损害,削弱( impair的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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74 puny | |
adj.微不足道的,弱小的 | |
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75 progeny | |
n.后代,子孙;结果 | |
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76 degenerates | |
衰退,堕落,退化( degenerate的第三人称单数 ) | |
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77 nay | |
adv.不;n.反对票,投反对票者 | |
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78 motive | |
n.动机,目的;adv.发动的,运动的 | |
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79 exquisite | |
adj.精美的;敏锐的;剧烈的,感觉强烈的 | |
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80 apprehensive | |
adj.担心的,恐惧的,善于领会的 | |
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81 sordid | |
adj.肮脏的,不干净的,卑鄙的,暗淡的 | |
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82 unnatural | |
adj.不自然的;反常的 | |
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83 abhorrence | |
n.憎恶;可憎恶的事 | |
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84 satirist | |
n.讽刺诗作者,讽刺家,爱挖苦别人的人 | |
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85 infamy | |
n.声名狼藉,出丑,恶行 | |
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86 reigns | |
n.君主的统治( reign的名词复数 );君主统治时期;任期;当政期 | |
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87 genial | |
adj.亲切的,和蔼的,愉快的,脾气好的 | |
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88 professed | |
公开声称的,伪称的,已立誓信教的 | |
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89 admiration | |
n.钦佩,赞美,羡慕 | |
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90 testimony | |
n.证词;见证,证明 | |
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91 peremptory | |
adj.紧急的,专横的,断然的 | |
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92 impute | |
v.归咎于 | |
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93 veneration | |
n.尊敬,崇拜 | |
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94 maker | |
n.制造者,制造商 | |
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95 humbly | |
adv. 恭顺地,谦卑地 | |
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96 entreated | |
恳求,乞求( entreat的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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97 disinterestedness | |
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98 refunding | |
n.借新债还旧债;再融资;债务延展;发行新债券取代旧债券v.归还,退还( refund的现在分词 ) | |
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99 buoyed | |
v.使浮起( buoy的过去式和过去分词 );支持;为…设浮标;振奋…的精神 | |
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100 lodgings | |
n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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101 relish | |
n.滋味,享受,爱好,调味品;vt.加调味料,享受,品味;vi.有滋味 | |
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102 chagrin | |
n.懊恼;气愤;委屈 | |
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103 abrupt | |
adj.突然的,意外的;唐突的,鲁莽的 | |
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104 harassed | |
adj. 疲倦的,厌烦的 动词harass的过去式和过去分词 | |
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105 distraction | |
n.精神涣散,精神不集中,消遣,娱乐 | |
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106 farce | |
n.闹剧,笑剧,滑稽戏;胡闹 | |
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107 appellations | |
n.名称,称号( appellation的名词复数 ) | |
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108 phoenix | |
n.凤凰,长生(不死)鸟;引申为重生 | |
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109 mutual | |
adj.相互的,彼此的;共同的,共有的 | |
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110 prosecuting | |
检举、告发某人( prosecute的现在分词 ); 对某人提起公诉; 继续从事(某事物); 担任控方律师 | |
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111 promotion | |
n.提升,晋级;促销,宣传 | |
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112 intoxicated | |
喝醉的,极其兴奋的 | |
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113 disdain | |
n.鄙视,轻视;v.轻视,鄙视,不屑 | |
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114 gull | |
n.鸥;受骗的人;v.欺诈 | |
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115 exclamation | |
n.感叹号,惊呼,惊叹词 | |
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116 contemptible | |
adj.可鄙的,可轻视的,卑劣的 | |
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117 superannuated | |
adj.老朽的,退休的;v.因落后于时代而废除,勒令退学 | |
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118 excise | |
n.(国产)货物税;vt.切除,删去 | |
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119 caresses | |
爱抚,抚摸( caress的名词复数 ) | |
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120 bestowed | |
赠给,授予( bestow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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121 glean | |
v.收集(消息、资料、情报等) | |
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122 relished | |
v.欣赏( relish的过去式和过去分词 );从…获得乐趣;渴望 | |
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123 precipitated | |
v.(突如其来地)使发生( precipitate的过去式和过去分词 );促成;猛然摔下;使沉淀 | |
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124 exalted | |
adj.(地位等)高的,崇高的;尊贵的,高尚的 | |
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125 pinnacle | |
n.尖塔,尖顶,山峰;(喻)顶峰 | |
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126 veracity | |
n.诚实 | |
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127 tallying | |
v.计算,清点( tally的现在分词 );加标签(或标记)于;(使)符合;(使)吻合 | |
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