"It's late.""I've had enough.""Look at me.""Where were you born?"To check your tonality, find a friend and say one or twoof these phrases. See if your friend can tell you which ofthe four feelings you're expressing. If it's not obvious, keepworking at it until it's clear.
body will signal to your brain by mixing up a chemicalcocktail that corresponds to the discomfort that theother person is feeling. Then you will both be uncomfortable,and rapport will be that much harder toachieve. When they notice a discrepancy between yourwords and gestures, other people will believe the gesturesand react accordingly.
So, congruity occurs when your body, voice tone andwords are all in alignment. And when your body, tone59and words are communicating the same thing, youwill appear sincere and people will tend to believe you.
This is why a Really Useful Attitude is so important.
Appearing sincere, or congruent, is a key ingredient forbuilding the trust that opens the door to likability andrapport.
Make sure that your words, your tonality and yourgestures are all saying the same thing. Be on thelookout for incongruity in others. Notice how itmakes you feel.
We've all seen those old movies where a couple ofpeople are driving along in a car, and they're rocking thesteering wheel even though the background shows aroad that's straight as an arrow. It's phony—you knowthey're really in a studio being bounced around in a box.
Your senses have told you that something isn't right,something is out of alignment, and so you can't believewhat you see. Or have you ever had someone get mad atyou and then, in the middle of bawling you out, flash asinister little smile that disappears as fast as it came?
Very chilling. This is another example of incongruentbehavior. The smile doesn't belong with the anger; it'sinsincere.
Recognizing incongruent behavior is another survivalinstinct. If you're on vacation and you're approached60by a complete stranger who grins at you while herubs his hands briskly together, licks his lips andsays, "Good morning, how would you like to invest inthe world's best time-share deal," the chances are you'llbe on your guard. A quick congruence check is instinctiveand is another reason why first impressions areparamount.
Frequently a person's emotions and intentions aremisunderstood by those around them. For instance, awoman at one of my seminars discovered that sheunconsciously used a tone of voice that was incongruentwith her words. "No, I'm not confused, I'm interested,"she would insist when tested. And again, "No, I'mnot sad, I'm relaxed." This went on and on until shecame to the verge of tears and said, "Now I know why mykids are always saying, 'Mom, how come you get mad atus all the time?' And I'm not mad at them. Sometimes I'mjust excited."The same woman also told us that her coworkersaccused her of sarcasm but that, to her, nothing couldbe further from the truth. In fact, sarcasm is simplywords said with conflicting voice tone. It is structuredso the person on the receiving end will believe what'sinferred by the tonality. Suppose you let your teamdown and somebody is heard to quip, "That was brilliant,"with a tonality that communicates annoyance.
It's a very different case when you score a fantastic goal61and the same person is heard to say with excitement,"That was brilliant!"Congruity, then, has one unshakable rule and it isthis: If your gestures, tone and words do not say thesame thing, people will believe the gestures. Go up tosomeone you know, purse your lips and say, "I really likeyou," with your eyebrows raised and your arms folded.
Ask them what they think. Even better, go find a mirrorand try it. Well? You get my point. Your gestures are agiveaway to what you really mean.
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