I HAVE often felt a motion of love to leave some hints in writing of myexperience of the goodness of God, and now, in the thirty-sixth year of my age,I begin this work.
I was born in Northampton, in Burlington County, West Jersey1, in the year1720. Before I was seven years old I began to be acquainted with the operationsof divine love. Through the care of my parents, I was taught to read nearly assoon as I was capable of it; and as I went from school one day, I remember thatwhile my companions were playing by the way, I went forward out of sight, andsitting down, I read the twenty-second chapter of Revelation: "He showed me apure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding2 out of the throne ofGod and of the Lamb," etc. In reading it, my mind was drawn3 to seek after thatpure habitation which I then believed God had prepared for His servants. Theplace where I sat, and the sweetness that attended my mind, remain fresh in mymemory. This, and the like gracious visitations, had such an effect upon methat when boys used ill language it troubled me; and, through the continuedmercies of God, I was preserved from that evil.
The pious4 instructions of my parents were often fresh in my mind, when Ihappened to be among wicked children, and were of use to me. Having a largefamily of children, they used frequently, on First-days, after meeting, to set us one after another to read the Holy Scriptures6, or some religious books, therest sitting by without much conversation; I have since often thought it was agood practice. From what I had read and heard, I believed there had been, inpast ages, people who walked in uprightness before God in a degree exceedingany that I knew or heard of now living: and the apprehension7 of there beingless steadiness and firmness amongst people in the present age often troubledme while I was a child.
I may here mention a remarkable8 circumstance that occurred in my childhood.
On going to a neighbour's house, I saw on the way a robin9 sitting on her nest,and as I came near she went off ; but having young ones, she flew about, andwith many cries expressed her concern for them. I stood and threw stones ather, and one striking her, she fell down dead. At first I was pleased with theexploit, but after a few minutes was seized with horror, at having, in asportive way, killed an innocent creature while she was careful for her young.
I beheld10 her lying dead, and thought those young ones, for which she was socareful, must now perish for want of their dam to nourish them. After somepainful considerations on the subject, I climbed up the tree, took all theyoung birds, and killed them, supposing that better than to leave them to pineaway and die miserably11. In this case I believed that Scripture5 proverb wasfulfilled, "The tender mercies of the wicked are cruel." I then went on myerrand, and for some hours could think of little else but the cruelties I hadcommitted, and was much troubled. Thus He whose tender mercies are over all Hisworks hath placed a principle in the human mind, which incites12 to exercisegoodness towards every living creature; and this being singly attended to,people become tender-hearted and sympathizing; but when frequently and totallyrejected, the mind becomes shut up in a contrary disposition13.
About the twelfth year of my age, my father being abroad, my mother reprovedme for some misconduct, to which I made an undutiful reply. The next First-day,as I was with my father returning from meeting, he told me that he understood Ihad behaved amiss to my mother, and advised me to be more careful in future. Iknew myself blamable, and in shame and confusion remained silent. Being thusawakened to a sense of my wickedness, I felt remorse14 in my mind, and on gettinghome, I retired15 and prayed to the Lord to forgive me, and I do not rememberthat I ever afterwards spoke16 unhandsomely to either of my parents, howeverfoolish in some other things.
Having attained17 the age of sixteen years, I began to love wanton company; andthough I was preserved from profane18 language or scandalous conduct, yet Iperceived a plant in me which produced much wild grapes; my merciful Father didnot, however, forsake19 me utterly20, but at times, through His grace, I wasbrought seriously to consider my ways; and the sight of my backslidingsaffected me with sorrow, yet for want of rightly attending to the reproofs23 ofinstruction, vanity was added to vanity, and repentance24 to repentance. Upon the whole, my mind became more and more alienated25 from the truth, and I hastenedtoward destruction. While I meditate26 on the gulf27 towards which I travelled, andreflect on my youthful disobedience, for these things I weep, mine eye runnethdown with water.
Advancing in age, the number of my acquaintance increased, and thereby28 my waygrew more difficult. Though I had found comfort in reading the Holy Scripturesand thinking on heavenly things, I was now estranged29 therefrom. I knew I wasgoing from the flock of Christ and had no resolution to return, hence seriousreflections were uneasy to me, and youthful vanities and diversions were mygreatest pleasure. In this road I found many like myself, and we associated inthat which is adverse30 to true friendship.
In this swift race it pleased God to visit me with sickness, so that Idoubted of recovery; then did darkness, horror, and amazement31 with full forceseize me, even when my pain and distress32 of body were very great. I thought itwould have been better for me never to have had being, than to see the daywhich I now saw. I was filled with confusion, and in great affliction, both ofmind and body, I lay and bewailed myself. I had not confidence to lift up mycries to God, whom I had thus offended; but in a deep sense of my great folly33 Iwas humbled34 before Him. At length that word which is as a fire and a hammerbroke and dissolved my rebellious35 heart; my cries were put up in contrition;and in the multitude of His mercies I found inward relief, and a closeengagement that if He was pleased to restore my health I might walk humblybefore Him.
After my recovery this exercise remained with me a considerable time, but bydegrees giving way to youthful vanities, and associating with wanton youngpeople, I lost ground. The Lord had been very gracious, and spoke peace to mein the time of my distress, and I now most ungratefully turned again to folly;at times I felt sharp reproof22, but I did not get low enough to cry for help. Iwas not so hardy38 as to commit things scandalous, but to exceed in vanity and topromote mirth was my chief study. Still I retained a love and esteem39 for piouspeople, and their company brought an awe40 upon me. My dear parents several timesadmonished me in the fear of the Lord, and their admonition entered into myheart and had a good effect for a season; but not getting deep enough to prayrightly, the tempter, when he came, found entrance. Once having spent a part ofthe day in wantonness, when I went to bed at night there lay in a window nearmy bed a Bible, which I opened, and first cast my eye on the text, "We lie downin our shame, and our confusion covereth us." This I knew to be my case, andmeeting with so unexpected a reproof I was somewhat affected21 with it, and wentto bed under remorse of conscience, which I soon cast off again.
Thus time passed on; my heart was replenished41 with mirth and wantonness,while pleasing scenes of vanity were presented to my imagination, till Iattained the age of eighteen years, near which time I felt the judgments43 of God in my soul, like a consuming fire, and looking over my past life the prospectwas moving. I was often sad, and longed to be delivered from those vanities;then again my heart was strongly inclined to them, and there was in me a soreconflict. At times I turned to folly, and then again sorrow and confusion tookhold of me. In a while I resolved totally to leave off some of my vanities, butthere was a secret reserve in my heart of the more refined part of them, and Iwas not low enough to find true peace. Thus for some months I had greattroubles; my will was unsubjected, which rendered my labours fruitless. Atlength, through the merciful continuance of heavenly visitations, I was made tobow down in spirit before the Lord. One evening I had spent some time inreading a pious author, and walking out alone I humbly36 prayed to the Lord forHis help, that I might be delivered from all those vanities which so ensnaredme. Thus being brought low, He helped me, and as I learned to bear the cross, Ifelt refreshment46 to come from His presence; but not keeping in that strengthwhich gave victory, I lost ground again, the sense of which greatly affectedme. I sought deserts and lonely places, and there with tears did confess mysins to God and humbly craved47 His help. And I may say with reverence48, He wasnear to me in my troubles, and in those times of humiliation49 opened my ear todiscipline.
I was now led to look seriously at the means by which I was drawn from thepure truth, and learned that if I would live such a life as the faithfulservants of God lived, I must not go into company as heretofore in my own will,but all the cravings of sense must be governed by a divine principle. In timesof sorrow and abasement50 these instructions were sealed upon me, and I felt thepower of Christ prevail over selfish desires, so that I was preserved in a gooddegree of steadiness, and being young, and believing at that time that a singlelife was best for me, I was strengthened to keep from such company as had oftenbeen a snare45 to me.
I kept steadily51 to meetings, spent First-day afternoons chiefly in readingthe Scriptures and other good books, and was early convinced in my mind thattrue religion consisted in an inward life, wherein the heart does love andreverence God the Creator, and learns to exercise true justice and goodness,not only toward all men, but also toward the brute52 creation; that, as the mindwas moved by an inward principle to love God as an invisible, incomprehensibleBeing, so, by the same principle, it was moved to love Him in all Hismanifestations in the visible world; that, as by His breath the flame of lifewas kindled53 in all animal sensible creatures, to say we love God as unseen, andat the same time exercise cruelty toward the least creature moving by His life,or by life derived54 from Him, was a contradiction in itself. I found nonarrowness respecting sects55 and opinions, but believed that sincere, upright-hearted people, in every society, who truly love God, were accepted of Him.
As I lived under the cross, and simply followed the opening of truth, mymind, from day to day, was more enlightened, my former acquaintance were leftto judge of me as they would, for I found it safest for me to live in private,and keep these things sealed up in my own breast. While I silently ponder onthat change wrought56 in me, I find no language equal to convey to another aclear idea of it. I looked upon the works of God in this visible creation, andan awfulness covered me. My heart was tender and often contrite57, and universallove to my fellow-creatures increased in me. This will be understood by such ashave trodden in the same path. Some glances of real beauty may be seen in theirfaces who dwell in true meekness58. There is a harmony in the sound of that voiceto which divine love gives utterance59, and some appearance of right order intheir temper and conduct whose passions are regulated; yet these do not fullyshow forth60 that inward life to those who have not felt it; this white stone andnew name is only known rightly by such as receive it.
Now, though I had been thus strengthened to bear the cross, I still foundmyself in great danger, having many weaknesses attending me, and strongtemptations to wrestle61 with; in the feeling whereof I frequently withdrew intoprivate places, and often with tears besought62 the Lord to help me, and Hisgracious ear was open to my cry.
All this time I lived with my parents, and wrought on the plantation63; andhaving had schooling64 pretty well for a planter, I used to improve myself inwinter evenings, and other leisure times. Being now in the twenty-first year ofmy age, with my father's consent I engaged with a man, in much business as ashopkeeper and baker65, to tend shop and keep books. At home I had lived retired;and now, having a prospect44 of being much in the way of company, I felt frequentand fervent66 cries in my heart to God, the Father of Mercies, that He wouldpreserve me from all taint67 and corruption68; that, in this more publicemployment, I might serve Him, my gracious Redeemer, in that humility70 and self-denial which I had in a small degree exercised in a more private life.
The man who employed me furnished a shop in Mount Holly71, about five milesfrom my father's house, and six from his own, and there I lived alone andtended his shop. Shortly after my settlement here I was visited by severalyoung people, my former acquaintance, who supposed that vanities would be asagreeable to me now as ever. At these times I cried to the Lord in secret forwisdom and strength; for I felt myself encompassed72 with difficulties, and hadfresh occasion to bewail the follies73 of times past, in contracting afamiliarity with libertine74 people; and as I had now left my father's houseoutwardly, I found my Heavenly Father to be merciful to me beyond what I canexpress.
By day I was much amongst people, and had many trials to go through; but inthe evenings I was mostly alone, and I may with thankfulness acknowledge, that in those times the spirit of supplication75 was often poured upon me; under whichI was frequently exercised, and felt my strength renewed.
After a while, my former acquaintance gave over expecting me as one of theircompany, and I began to be known to some whose conversation was helpful to me.
And now, as I had experienced the love of God through Jesus Christ, to redeemme from many pollutions, and to be a succor76 to me through a sea of conflicts,with which no person was fully37 acquainted, and as my heart was often enlargedin this heavenly principle, I felt a tender compassion77 for the youth whoremained entangled78 in snares79 like those which had entangled me. This love andtenderness increased, and my mind was strongly engaged for the good of myfellow-creatures. I went to meetings in an awful frame of mind, and endeavouredto be inwardly acquainted with the language of the true Shepherd.
One day, being under a strong exercise of spirit, I stood up and said somewords in a meeting; but not keeping close to the divine opening, I said morethan was required of me. Being soon sensible of my error, I was afflicted80 inmind some weeks, without any light or comfort, even to that degree that I couldnot take satisfaction in anything. I remembered God and was troubled, and inthe depth of my distress He had pity upon me, and sent the Comforter. I thenfelt forgiveness for my offence; my mind became calm and quiet, and I was trulythankful to my gracious Redeemer for His mercies. About six weeks after this,feeling the spring of divine love opened and a concern to speak, I said a fewwords in a meeting, in which I found peace. Being thus humbled and disciplinedunder the cross, my understanding became more strengthened to distinguish thepure Spirit which inwardly moves upon the heart, and which taught me to wait insilence sometimes many weeks together, until I felt that rise which preparesthe creature to stand like a trumpet81, through which the Lord speaks to Hisflock.
From an inward purifying and steadfast82 abiding83 under it, springs a livelyoperative desire for the good of others. All the faithful are not called to thepublic ministry84; but whoever are, are called to minister of that which theyhave tasted and handled spiritually. The outward modes of worship are various;but whenever any are true ministers of Jesus Christ, it is from the operationof His Spirit upon their hearts, first purifying them, and thus giving them ajust sense of the conditions of others. This truth was early fixed85 in my mind,and I was taught to watch the pure opening, and to take heed86 lest, while I wasstanding to speak, my own will should get uppermost, and cause me to utterwords from worldly wisdom, and depart from the channel of the true gospelministry.
In the management of my outward affairs, I may say with thankfulness, I foundtruth to be my support; and I was respected in my master's family, who came tolive in Mount Holly within two years after my going there.
In a few months after I came here, my master bought several Scotchmen servants,from on board a vessel87, and brought them to Mount Holly to sell, one of whomwas taken sick and died. In the latter part of his sickness, being delirious,he used to curse and swear most sorrowfully; and the next night after hisburial I was left to sleep alone in the chamber88 where he died. I perceived inme a timorousness89; I knew, however, I had not injured the man, but assisted intaking care of him according to my capacity. I was not free to ask any one onthat occasion to sleep with me. Nature was feeble; but every trial was a freshincitement to give myself up wholly to the service of God, for I found nohelper like Him in times of trouble.
About the twenty-third year of my age, I had many fresh and heavenlyopenings, in respect to the care and providence90 of the Almighty91 over hiscreatures in general, and over man as the most noble amongst those which arevisible. And being clearly convinced in my judgment42 that to place my wholetrust in God was best for me, I felt renewed engagements that in all things Imight act on an inward principle of virtue92, and pursue worldly business nofurther than as truth opened my way.
About the time called Christmas I observed many people, both in town and fromthe country, resorting to public-houses, and spending their time in drinkingand vain sports, tending to corrupt69 one another; on which account I was muchtroubled. At one house in particular there was much disorder93; and I believed itwas a duty incumbent94 on me to speak to the master of that house. I considered Iwas young, and that several elderly friends in town had opportunity to seethese things; but though I would gladly have been excused, yet I could not feelmy mind clear.
The exercise was heavy; and as I was reading what the Almighty said toEzekiel, respecting his duty as a watchman, the matter was set home moreclearly. With prayers and tears I besought the Lord for His assistance, and Hein loving-kindness gave me a resigned heart. At a suitable opportunity I wentto the public-house; and seeing the man amongst much company, I called himaside, and in the fear and dread95 of the Almighty expressed to him what restedon my mind. He took it kindly96, and afterwards showed more regard to me thanbefore. In a few years afterwards he died, middle-aged97; and I often thoughtthat, had I neglected my duty in that case, it would have given me greattrouble; and I was humbly thankful to my gracious Father, who had supported meherein.
My employer, having a negro woman, (1) sold her, and desired me to write abill of sale, the man being waiting who bought her. The thing was sudden; andthough I felt uneasy at the thoughts of writing an instrument of slavery forone of my fellow-creatures, yet I remembered that I was hired by the year, thatit was my master who directed me to do it, and that it was an elderly man, amember of our Society, who bought her; so through weakness I gave way, and wrote it; but at the executing of it I was so afflicted in my mind, that I saidbefore my master and the Friend that I believed slave-keeping to be a practiceinconsistent with the Christian98 religion. This in some degree abated99 myuneasiness; yet, as often as I reflected seriously upon it, I thought I shouldhave been clearer if I had desired to be excused from it, as a thing against myconscience; for such it was. Some time after this a young man of our Societyspoke to me to write a conveyance100 of a slave to him, he having lately taken anegro into his house. I told him I was not easy to write it; for though many ofour meeting and in other places kept slaves, I still believed the practice wasnot right, and desired to be excused from the writing. I spoke to him ingoodwill; and he told me that keeping slaves was not altogether agreeable tohis mind; but that the slave being a gift made to his wife, he had acceptedher.
我常存一种愿望，要把我所经验到的，关于上帝的良善记录下来，这工作在我三十六岁之时开始。
我 在一七二○年生于西泽西地方柏林敦府之诺坦普吞。未及七岁，心中已消觉上帝的爱，常存如何使祂喜悦的念头。当我智力刚开始的时候，父母即教我读书，这在当 时已经给我不少益处。记得某星期六日我们一群小学生离开学校，同学们沿途玩耍，我却躲开了他们，坐下来念启示录第二十二章，“他指示我一道河，明亮如水 晶……”。阅读的时候我心里非常渴慕那我相信是上帝为祂仆人们所预备的纯洁地方。当时我所坐的地方和心中的那种甜蜜经验，至今记忆犹新，好像是不久才发生 过的事。这一次和其他类似的经验对我影响极大，叫我每逢听到其他小孩说了污秽言语心中即非常难过；主的慈爱保守我避免了那种罪。
我认为父母以虔敬的心教导儿童，是一种大福。我每当与野孩子们在一起时就记起父母的教训，受益良多。
我 们的家小孩子多，父母的规矩每逢星期日就叫我们在一起念圣经或其他有益的书，一人一人念下去，其他的人静坐不语。每当回想过去，我总觉得父母这样做是很好 的。我所念和所听到的，使我相信古时代确有些人，他们在上帝面前行为正直，远胜现代的人。当我还是小孩子时，想到现代人的信行比不上古人坚定，心里就很烦 恼。
九 岁的时候我曾得了一个梦：我看见月亮从西方升起，沿着平常的路线向东移动，因它移动急速，约一刻钟光景已到了子午线。这时候有一小片云彩从月亮垂直降下在 一片青草地上，约略距离父亲屋前约二十码远我所站立的地方，立刻变成为一株美丽的树。月亮仍然急速地移动，不久没入东方。这时太阳按照它夏天的轨道升上 来，照射整个静寂的太空，是一个无比的美好早晨。我始终怀着恐惧的心情站立在门边。太阳所发出的热力逐渐增强，猛烈地照射在这株茂密的树上，使它的枝叶开 始枯萎，在中午以前，已完全枯干死了。然后有一种怪物，俗称为“日虫”，形体虽然很小，却大有力量，坚定地从北向南移动。那时我虽是一个小孩子，却认为那 梦大有教训。
在 我童年时代发生的另一件大事，是有一回我往邻居家去，路上看见一只知更鸟坐在它的巢中，当我走近时它飞开了，但因巢中有一群小雏，所以它飞来飞去，不肯远 离，而它发出的啼声更表示对小雏的无限关怀。我拿石子投击它，有一块石子击中了，它坠地而死。起初我高兴自己投掷石子的准确，但一会儿忽觉得又恐怖又懊 悔，因为我杀害了一只在哺乳幼雏的无辜小动物，我想这些幼雏必因无哺乳之母而死亡！一阵痛苦的思想之后，我爬上了树，把一巢幼雏都弄死了，心想这样总比叫 它们饿死好些。我继续走我的路，但好几个钟头脑中不能想别的，只记得我杀害那可怜母鸟的残暴行为，心中十分苦恼。
我述说这故事，为的说明作为万物之父的上帝所安放在人心中的，足以教导人对祂所造的一切生物存恻隐之心。人若留心遵行，必能增加怜恤及同情心，可惜人往往拒绝这种教训，蒙蔽己心，背道而行。
在我记忆中还有一件事情：当我十二岁时有一次适逢父亲出门，母亲因我做错了事谴责我，我却以不逊言语回答母亲的谴责。
往 下的一个星期日我同父亲从聚会处回家，父亲告诉我他知道我对母亲曾有不孝顺的行为，要我改过；当时我深知自己的错误，又惭愧又惶惑，不敢开口。回到家里时 因自觉邪恶，心中非常难过，独自祷告，求全能的神宽赦我。从此以后我不曾再向父母说出不逊的话，虽然在其他事上我还难免愚拙。
到 了十六岁时我开始喜欢结交朋友，虽然我能够避免污秽的言行，但我自知在我里面有一株顽强的结坏果子的树。只是主并不完全丢弃我，时时藉着祂的恩典叫我反 省。我在灵性上的堕落叫我非常苦恼，但既缺少接受谴责之心，一切都是徒然，总之我似乎越走越离开真道，朝向着毁灭之途去了。
每逢回想到自己过去所走的歪曲道路和所表现的叛逆性格，我不得不痛哭流泪；但至高者的慈悲是超越一切语言之上的，那些忠心事奉祂的人有福了。
随 着年纪的增加，我认识的友伴亦日渐增多，因此我所走的道路亦日就困难。我以前因阅读圣经而获得的安慰，此时已不再有。我知道我已经离开了基督的羊群，也不 能决心归回，认真思想时叫我烦闷，不多思想真道反叫我快乐。我发现与我走同一条路的人很多，而我们都在一种其实与真友谊相违背的关系中结合起来。
在 这情况下上帝把严重的疾病加给我，几乎无可救治。当我肉体上极端痛苦的时候，黑暗，恐怖，惊讶等势力又以全力向我进击。我心想我若没有生在世上倒比看见这 些事好。我在一种非常可怜的处境中，悲叹自己的不幸！终于那如火如锤的道击碎并溶化了我的叛逆之心，在深刻的羞惭中我呼叫那至高者的名，以诚实及痛悔之心 求告。祂以无限的仁慈垂听我；我的希望复燃，我发现祂的恩惠比生命更深。我这时候坚决立志，如果主使我恢复健康，我必忠诚地事奉祂。
病 愈之后，上述感觉存留颇久，我也盼望能以坚守不渝。但逐渐地那无知的虚幻思想又影响了我，和经浮的年青人来往使我忘记了和上帝所立的约。在我忧伤之时祂曾 以温和的话安慰我，只是这时我不知感恩地一再倾向于放荡生活。有时我心中不免自责，但未至于忧伤呼求帮助。我之迷恋放荡生活使我没有决心改变。虽然我还不 至有淫污的行为，可是嬉戏讥笑，以求欢乐，却成为我生活的中心。不过，我仍旧喜欢并尊敬那些我认为是好的人，他们在场时我就闭口无言。
我亲爱的父母多次劝告我当敬畏主，他们的话进入我心中暂时发生一些作用，但还未至于叫我痛悔的程度；当诱惑者来到的时候我又跌倒了。
记得有一次我放荡地浪费了一天的大部分时间，当夜上床，看见床边窗口上放着一本圣经，我翻开了，触入眼帘的是这一句话：“我们在羞耻中躺卧罢，愿惭愧将我们遮盖”（耶3：25）。我知道这是我的处境，而竟在无意中和这句话相遇，当时很受这话的影响，上床时良心颇有悔悟意，但不久又遗忘了。
这 样，时间过去，我心中又充满了放荡欢乐之情，想象中所喜悦的也是一片虚幻，一直到了十八岁那年，我开始觉得上帝对我灵魂的审判有如火焰一般，回顾过去的生 活即深感忧虑。这时候我常觉悲哀，希望能放弃一切虚幻生活，可是不久又动摇了，仍然倾向于无价值之事，内心极端矛盾。有时放荡，有时又为悲哀惶惑所执。一 会儿决心放弃一些虚妄的生活，但心底里又偷偷地想要保留着那比较有趣的一部分，因我谦卑之心不够，不能得到真正的平安。几个月来心中极为烦恼；心意不肯顺 服，一切努力均属徒然。
在 我生命上有重大意义的某一个冬季晚上，我在阅读一部宗教文学作品，心中颇受感动，独自在外面散步。我当时觉得那祷告之灵在我身上，于是求告主的帮助，能脱 离这些困惑我心的虚妄生活；在愁苦中我得到了帮助，藉着信心山也都移动了；我学习背负十字架，在主面前就觉得心神爽快。然而当我再离开了那得胜的力量而跌 倒时，心中十分痛苦，我到了荒僻地方，流泪向上帝认罪，谦卑地呼求祂的帮助。
我 可以虔敬地说，当我在患难中祂即就近我；当我蒙羞时祂开了我的耳朵，叫我接受教训。祂引导我叫我看见了我怎样离开了祂的道路；我已明白如果我希望我的生活 能够像上帝忠实仆人们的生活，我就不应当以自己的意思选择友伴；一切欲望都须受一个高尚原则的管束。经过愁闷挫折，叫这些训导在我心里有了保证，而我觉得 基督的能力胜过了一切自私的意欲，因此得以坚立不移。我感觉到诚实地事奉上帝是我真正的福分；我还年青，相信独立生活在目前对我最为有益；上帝赐我力量， 叫我能够离开了那些常诱惑我的友伴。
这 时候我经常参加聚会，星期日下午的时间总用来阅读圣经及有益书籍。我早就相信真宗教是内在生命中的事，内心崇敬创造主上帝，非但对一切人行公义与良善，也 以同样精神对待一切上帝所创造的。正如心受某内在原则之推动以爱那看不见和不可测度的上帝，也在同一原则下被推动藉爱那表现祂的有形的受造物来爱祂；既然 祂的气息使生命之光照耀在一切动物及有知觉的生物中，那么，如果我们说我们爱那看不见的上帝，却在同时以残暴对待甚至那最微小的动物，即藉祂生命而动，并 从祂获得生命的动物，岂非矛盾之至。
对于其他宗派我并没有什么成见，我认为无论在那一宗派中，凡以诚实之心爱上帝的人，必都蒙祂悦纳。
我既生活在十字架之下，且只顺从真道的启示，我的心灵一天比一天明亮。从前的朋辈对我有种种猜测，因为我既独居，而一切的改变又都深藏于我的胸怀中。
当我在默想自己的这种改变之时，我觉得言语不足以形容它，也没有其他方法，可以叫人对它有清楚的观念。
我观看上帝在祂有形的创造中的作为，恐惧之心笼罩着我。
这时候我心中常有忧伤悔悟之情，对他人所生的爱心亦普遍增加。凡经过同样道路的，必能了解我的这种心境。
真实的谦逊必能从外貌表现出一些真实的美。圣神之爱所发出的声音必能有和谐的气息。均衡的情绪必在性格上显出严正的气慨。但这一切仍不足以对那些没有此种感觉的人充分表达内在的生命。这一块白石和其上所写的新名，“除了那领受的以外，没有人能认识”（启2：17）。
这 时候在许多事上我虽增加了背负十架的力量，但我仍然看出自己是处在危险中。我有许多弱点，也得和许多诱惑角斗；当有了这种感觉时，我往往退到僻静地方，独 自流泪祈求主的帮助，主总是垂听我的呼求。这时我和父亲同住，在田庄上工作，受教育的机会可说不错，我常利用冬季夜晚和其他空暇时间进修。这时我已靠近二 十岁，有一个做生意人，开了一个铺子兼营烘饼生意，同我商量请我替他管店记账。我告诉父亲这件事，经过几天考虑，他同意让我前往。我这时期对耕种之事兴趣 甚低，总以为当在其他方面谋生。
在家我过着颇为隐逸的生活，这时到生意场上，可能有许多友伴，因此我心中常呼求慈悲的父上帝，求祂帮助我，在为公众服务的工作中，能够以我在那隐逸的生活中所学到的一点点谦卑和无我的心，来事奉施恩的救赎主。
那 雇用我的人在离他家六里，离我父家五里的贺里山开设这家铺子。我独自住在店中，替他看店。不久之后，我从前认识的几个友伴又来看我，他们以为我和从前一 样。仍然喜爱虚妄的生活。我仰望主赐下帮助，因为我自觉非常软弱。这是我已离开父亲的家，我更觉得天父对我的怜恤非言语所能形容。
白天我和许多人来往，必经历多种试炼，但到了夜间我多半独自一人。我得以感谢之心承认，有祷告之灵时常在我身上，我常呼叫主名——那永在的上帝。
在这地方经过几个月后，我的雇主从一条船上买来了几个苏格兰人，把他们带到贺里山贩卖。已经卖了几个，把其余的交我看管，有一人患病死了。在病危之时他神经错乱，曾不断伤心地咒骂着。
把 他埋葬了之后，第二天晚上我就睡在他死的那房间中。我确有点胆怯。但是我知道我并没有伤害这人，且在他患病时尽我的能力看护人；所以我不好意思要求别人来 和我同睡。人性实在是怯弱的，但每一试炼都是一种新的激励，要我更完全地献上本身，为上帝工作。在患难中没有像祂那样可靠的帮助！
过 些时候我从前的友伴不敢对我再存什么希望；我开始和一些言语于我有益的人来往。这时我既然发现上帝藉着耶稣基督的爱使我脱离许多污秽，并在这世人所无法完 全领悟的茫茫人世中作为我恒久不易的救助；我既在这属天的事上心受感奋，因此对于那些仍然深陷于泥沼中，像我过去一样的青年人不免深觉惋惜。这种悲悯和热 爱之心越来越增强，以至于无法再隐藏于自己心中。
我 怀着惶恐的心前往参加聚会，并尽所能地持守着心里的训练，直到有一天我觉得心中有了主的话语，于是我站立起来，在会中开口说话，但我不完全遵守那真启示， 所说的话超过了祂所指示的。不久我知道了我的错误，好几个星期心中烦扰，没有亮光，也没有安慰，几乎没有一件事叫我满足。我想起上帝，心中愁烦；在深刻痛 苦中我向祂发出呼吁，祂差遣保惠师来，是我衷心所感激的。
这 事以后我心中比较安静，觉得神圣之爱的泉源已开，可以说话，所以在某次会上发言，颇得平安。这大概是在上次之事以后六七星期。我既在十架底下学习谦卑并受 锻炼，因此更能明白由圣灵感动智慧所发出的话语；有时候一连数星期在静默中等候，直待我觉得那叫被造者传布主的话语像号筒一样的力量到来之时。
从 内在的纯洁和坚定可以产生一种成就他人的热切愿望。并非说一切诚信之人都要蒙召担任教牧工作；但那些蒙召的人乃是蒙召从事属灵的事工。外表崇拜的方法虽有 不同，但凡属耶稣基督的忠实工人，他们的工作动力是祂的灵从他们心中所发出的，首先把他们洁净了，然后叫他们明了别人的心境。
我心中牢记着这一真理，并接受教导，小心留意启示，惟恐当我站起来说话时以我自己的意志为重，凭着属世智慧说话，因此离开了传播福音的正确道路。
在处理事务方面我可以说是相当稳健，这是值得感恩的。我雇主的一家人对我都很敬重，他们这时候已移居于贺里山。
我内心既常默想上帝在这有形世界所显示的恩眷，就愈加确信完全信靠祂对我是最有益的。月复一月我努力追求达到全心信赖上帝而不依靠自己理解的境界。我重新立志在一切事上都将服从内在的道德原则，对于属世事务的经营，决不超过真道所指示的途径。
在 所谓圣诞的节期，我看见乡下和城里的人有许多拥入歌楼酒肆，饮酒嬉戏，败坏彼此的品格。看见这种情形我心中极其难过。有一家酒肆里面狂欢纵饮的情形特别厉 害，我觉得自己负有前往向这家主人劝说的责任。当时我年纪很轻，城里有些年长的朋友原可以出来说话；我心里虽愿意这样却是不得平安；心境沉重，且以为自己 应负有守望者的责任，正如全能者对先知以西结的启示。阅读有关经文，更增加了我的决心，我流泪祷告，求上帝赐下智慧和能力。祂果然给我一个安静的心，所以 再经过审慎考虑之后，我就往那家酒肆去；看见店主人混在许多顾客当中，我告诉他我愿意同他谈话，于是他让我到僻静地方去，我就以敬畏主的心向他提出主所付 托给我要我说出的事，他温和地领受，从此以后且对我更加尊重。过了几年他中年亡故，这叫我常常想起在那件事上我若忽略了责任，此时良心必受谴责。我衷诚地 感谢施恩的父，由于祂的帮助，得以履行祂所付托的责任。
来 到贺里山未及一年，我的雇主要出卖一个黑奴，要我书写一份契据。想起我得写一份贩卖同类作为奴隶的文书，心中极为不安。终于又认为雇主雇用我是论年给酬 的，既然是出于主人的命令，而且承买这黑奴的又是我们会社中的一位老年人；这样一想也就把贩奴契据写下了。可是到了他们成交时我心中非常难过，所以我对主 人及那位老年朋友说，我认为买卖奴隶和基督教的原则是相违背的，说了这话后心中稍觉平安。可是过后我常常思想这件事，认为如果我能够不管后果，毅然拒绝书 写贩奴契据，必能获得良心上更大的平安，因为买卖奴隶之事是违反我的良心的。
不 久有我们会社中的一个年青人要我为他书写一份畜奴契据，因他新近买了一个黑奴。经过短时间祷告后我告诉他我不愿书写这类契据，虽然朋友会人当中有许多和别 人同样畜养奴隶，且安之若素，可是我不认为畜奴是合理的事，因此不能代他书写契据。我以诚意对他解释，他也承认心中并不以畜奴为是，只是这黑奴是他妻子的 朋友所赠送的。至此我们分别。
收听单词发音 |
1
jersey
|
|
| n.运动衫 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
2
proceeding
|
|
| n.行动，进行，(pl.)会议录，学报 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
3
drawn
|
|
| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
4
pious
|
|
| adj.虔诚的；道貌岸然的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
5
scripture
|
|
| n.经文，圣书，手稿；Scripture:(常用复数)《圣经》，《圣经》中的一段 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
6
scriptures
|
|
| 经文，圣典( scripture的名词复数 )； 经典 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
7
apprehension
|
|
| n.理解，领悟；逮捕，拘捕；忧虑 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
8
remarkable
|
|
| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
9
robin
|
|
| n.知更鸟，红襟鸟 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
10
beheld
|
|
| v.看，注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 )；瞧；看呀；（叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现）哎哟 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
11
miserably
|
|
| adv.痛苦地；悲惨地；糟糕地；极度地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
12
incites
|
|
| 刺激，激励，煽动( incite的第三人称单数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
13
disposition
|
|
| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
14
remorse
|
|
| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
15
retired
|
|
| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
16
spoke
|
|
| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
17
attained
|
|
| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的过去式和过去分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
18
profane
|
|
| adj.亵神的，亵渎的；vt.亵渎，玷污 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
19
forsake
|
|
| vt.遗弃，抛弃；舍弃，放弃 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
20
utterly
|
|
| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
21
affected
|
|
| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
22
reproof
|
|
| n.斥责，责备 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
23
reproofs
|
|
| n.责备，责难，指责( reproof的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
|
24
repentance
|
|
| n.懊悔 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
25
alienated
|
|
| adj.感到孤独的，不合群的v.使疏远( alienate的过去式和过去分词 )；使不友好；转让；让渡（财产等） | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
26
meditate
|
|
| v.想，考虑，（尤指宗教上的）沉思，冥想 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
27
gulf
|
|
| n.海湾；深渊，鸿沟；分歧，隔阂 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
28
thereby
|
|
| adv.因此，从而 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
29
estranged
|
|
| adj.疏远的，分离的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
30
adverse
|
|
| adj.不利的；有害的；敌对的，不友好的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
31
amazement
|
|
| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
32
distress
|
|
| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
33
folly
|
|
| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
34
humbled
|
|
| adj. 卑下的，谦逊的，粗陋的 vt. 使 ... 卑下，贬低 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
35
rebellious
|
|
| adj.造反的，反抗的，难控制的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
36
humbly
|
|
| adv. 恭顺地，谦卑地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
37
fully
|
|
| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
38
hardy
|
|
| adj.勇敢的，果断的，吃苦的；耐寒的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
39
esteem
|
|
| n.尊敬，尊重；vt.尊重，敬重；把…看作 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
40
awe
|
|
| n.敬畏，惊惧；vt.使敬畏，使惊惧 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
41
replenished
|
|
| 补充( replenish的过去式和过去分词 )； 重新装满 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
42
judgment
|
|
| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
43
judgments
|
|
| 判断( judgment的名词复数 )； 鉴定； 评价； 审判 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
44
prospect
|
|
| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
45
snare
|
|
| n.陷阱，诱惑，圈套；（去除息肉或者肿瘤的）勒除器；响弦，小军鼓；vt.以陷阱捕获，诱惑 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
46
refreshment
|
|
| n.恢复，精神爽快，提神之事物；（复数）refreshments:点心，茶点 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
47
craved
|
|
| 渴望，热望( crave的过去式 )； 恳求，请求 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
48
reverence
|
|
| n.敬畏，尊敬，尊严；Reverence:对某些基督教神职人员的尊称；v.尊敬，敬畏，崇敬 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
49
humiliation
|
|
| n.羞辱 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
50
abasement
|
|
| n.滥用 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
51
steadily
|
|
| adv.稳定地；不变地；持续地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
52
brute
|
|
| n.野兽，兽性 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
53
kindled
|
|
| （使某物）燃烧，着火( kindle的过去式和过去分词 )； 激起（感情等）； 发亮，放光 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
54
derived
|
|
| vi.起源；由来；衍生；导出v.得到( derive的过去式和过去分词 )；（从…中）得到获得；源于；（从…中）提取 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
55
sects
|
|
| n.宗派，教派( sect的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
56
wrought
|
|
| v.引起；以…原料制作；运转；adj.制造的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
57
contrite
|
|
| adj.悔悟了的，后悔的，痛悔的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
58
meekness
|
|
| n.温顺，柔和 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
59
utterance
|
|
| n.用言语表达，话语，言语 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
60
forth
|
|
| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
61
wrestle
|
|
| vi.摔跤，角力；搏斗；全力对付 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
62
besought
|
|
| v.恳求，乞求（某事物）( beseech的过去式和过去分词 )；(beseech的过去式与过去分词) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
63
plantation
|
|
| n.种植园，大农场 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
64
schooling
|
|
| n.教育；正规学校教育 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
65
baker
|
|
| n.面包师 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
66
fervent
|
|
| adj.热的，热烈的，热情的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
67
taint
|
|
| n.污点；感染；腐坏；v.使感染；污染 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
68
corruption
|
|
| n.腐败，堕落，贪污 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
69
corrupt
|
|
| v.贿赂，收买；adj.腐败的，贪污的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
70
humility
|
|
| n.谦逊，谦恭 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
71
holly
|
|
| n.[植]冬青属灌木 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
72
encompassed
|
|
| v.围绕( encompass的过去式和过去分词 )；包围；包含；包括 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
73
follies
|
|
| 罪恶，时事讽刺剧； 愚蠢，蠢笨，愚蠢的行为、思想或做法( folly的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
74
libertine
|
|
| n.淫荡者；adj.放荡的，自由思想的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
75
supplication
|
|
| n.恳求，祈愿，哀求 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
76
succor
|
|
| n.援助，帮助；v.给予帮助 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
77
compassion
|
|
| n.同情，怜悯 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
78
entangled
|
|
| adj.卷入的；陷入的；被缠住的；缠在一起的v.使某人（某物/自己）缠绕，纠缠于（某物中），使某人（自己）陷入（困难或复杂的环境中）( entangle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
79
snares
|
|
| n.陷阱( snare的名词复数 )；圈套；诱人遭受失败（丢脸、损失等）的东西；诱惑物v.用罗网捕捉，诱陷，陷害( snare的第三人称单数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
80
afflicted
|
|
| 使受痛苦，折磨( afflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
81
trumpet
|
|
| n.喇叭，喇叭声；v.吹喇叭，吹嘘 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
82
steadfast
|
|
| adj.固定的，不变的，不动摇的；忠实的；坚贞不移的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
83
abiding
|
|
| adj.永久的，持久的，不变的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
84
ministry
|
|
| n.(政府的)部；牧师 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
85
fixed
|
|
| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
86
heed
|
|
| v.注意，留意；n.注意，留心 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
87
vessel
|
|
| n.船舶；容器，器皿；管，导管，血管 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
88
chamber
|
|
| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
89
timorousness
|
|
| n.羞怯，胆怯 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
|
90
providence
|
|
| n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
91
almighty
|
|
| adj.全能的，万能的；很大的，很强的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
92
virtue
|
|
| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
93
disorder
|
|
| n.紊乱，混乱；骚动，骚乱；疾病，失调 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
94
incumbent
|
|
| adj.成为责任的，有义务的；现任的，在职的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
95
dread
|
|
| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
96
kindly
|
|
| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
97
middle-aged
|
|
| adj.中年的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
98
Christian
|
|
| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
99
abated
|
|
| 减少( abate的过去式和过去分词 )； 减去； 降价； 撤消（诉讼） | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
100
conveyance
|
|
| n.(不动产等的)转让，让与；转让证书；传送；运送；表达；（正）运输工具 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
| 欢迎访问英文小说网 |