小说搜索     点击排行榜   最新入库
首页 » 英文名人传记 » A Book About Myself » CHAPTER XVIII
选择底色: 选择字号:【大】【中】【小】
CHAPTER XVIII
关注小说网官方公众号(noveltingroom),原版名著免费领。
 I found a room the next morning in Pine Street, only a few doors from this hotel and a block from my new office. It was a hall bedroom, one of a long series which I was to occupy, dirty and grimy. I recall it still with a sickening sense of its ugliness; and yet its cheapness and griminess did not then trouble me so much. Did I not have the inestimable boon1 of youth and ambition, which make most material details unimportant? Some drab of a woman rented it to me, and outside were those red, yellow, blue, green and orange street-cars clanging and roaring and wheezing2 by all night long. Inside were four narrow gray walls, a small wooden bed, none too clean sheets and pillow-cases, a yellow washstand. I brought over my bag, arranged the few things I thought need not be kept under lock and key, and returned to the streets. I need not bother about the office until twelve-thirty, when the assignments were handed out—or “the book,” as Hartung reverently3 called it, was laid out for our inspection4.
 
And now, spread before me for my survey and entertainment was the great city of St. Louis, and life itself as it was manifesting itself to me through this city. This was the most important and interesting thing to me, not my new position. Work? Well, that was important enough, considering the difficulty I had had in securing it. What was more, I was always driven by the haunting fear of losing this or any other position I had ever had, of not being able to find another (a left-over fear, perhaps, due to the impression that poverty had made on me in my extreme youth). Just the same, the city came first in my imagination and desires, and I now began to examine it with care, its principal streets, shops, hotels, its residence district. What a pleasure to walk about, to stare, to dream of better days and great things to come.
 
Just at this time St. Louis seemed to be upon the verge5 of change and improvement. An old section of mansions6 bordering on the business center was rapidly giving way to a rabble7 of small stores and cheap factories. Already several new buildings of the Chicago style of skyscraper8 were either contemplated9 or in process of construction. There was a new club, the Mercantile, the largest in the city, composed entirely10 of merchants in the downtown section, which had just been opened and about which the papers were making a great stir. There was a new depot11 contracted for, one of the finest in all the country, so I was told, which was to house all the roads entering the city. A new city hall was being talked of, an enormous thing-to-be. Out in the west end, where progress seemed the most vital, were new streets and truly magnificent residence “places,” parked and guarded areas these, in which were ranged many residences of the ultra-rich. The first time I saw one of these places I was staggered by its exclusive air and the beauty and even grandeur12 of some of the great houses in it—newly manufactured exclusiveness. Here were great gray or white or brownstone affairs, bright, almost gaudy13, with great verandas14, astonishing doorways15, flights of stone steps, heavily and richly draped windows, immense carriage-houses, parked and flowered lawns.
 
By degrees I came to know the trade and poor sections of the city. Here were long throbbing16 wholesale17 streets, crowded with successful companies; along the waterfront was a mill area backed up by wretched tenements18, as poor and grimy and dingy19 as any I have ever seen; elsewhere were long streets of middle-class families, all alike, all with white stone doorsteps or windowsills and tiny front yards.
 
The atmosphere of the Globe-Democrat after a time came to have a peculiar20 appeal for me because it was dominated so completely by the robust21 personality of McCullagh. He was so natural, unaffected, rugged22. As time passed he steadily23 grew in my estimation and by degrees, as I read his paper, his powerful, brilliant editorials, and saw how systematically24 and forcefully he managed all things in connection with himself and his men, the very air of St. Louis became redolent of him. He was a real force, a great man. So famous was he already that men came to St. Louis from the Southwest and elsewhere just to see him and his office. I often think of him in that small office, sitting waist-deep among his papers, his heavy head sunk on his pouter-like chest, his feet incased in white socks and low slipper-like shoes, his whole air one of complete mental and physical absorption in his work. A few years later he committed suicide, out of sheer weariness, I assume, tired of an inane25 world. Yet it was not until long after, when I was much better able to judge him and his achievements, that I understood what a really big thing he had done: built up a journal of national and even international significance in a region which, one would have supposed, could never have supported anything more than a mediocre26 panderer to trade interests. As Hazard had proudly informed me, the annual bill for telegraph news alone was $400,000: a sum which, in the light of subsequent journalistic achievements in America, may seem insignificant27 but which at that time meant a great deal. He seemed to have a desire to make the paper not only good (as that word is used in connection with newspapers) but great, and from my own memory and impression I can testify that it was both. It had catholicity and solidity in editorials and news. The whole of Europe, as well as America, was combed and reflected in order that his readers might be entertained and retained, and each day one could read news of curious as well as of scientific interest from all over the world. Its editorials were in the main wise and jovial28, often beautifully written by McCullagh himself. Of assumed Republican tendencies, it was much more a party leader than follower29, both in national and in State affairs. The rawest of raw youths, I barely sensed this at the time, and yet I felt something of the wonder and beauty of it all. I knew him to be a great man because I could feel it. There was something of dignity and force about all that was connected with him. Later it became a fact of some importance to me that I had been called to a paper of so much true worth, by a man so wise, so truly able.
 
The only inharmonious note at this time was my intense loneliness. In Chicago, in spite of the gradual breaking up of our home and the disintegration30 of the family, I had managed to build up that spiritual or imaginative support which comes to all of us from familiarity with material objects. I had known Chicago, its newspaper world, its various sections, its places of amusement, some dozen or two of newspaper men. Here I knew no one at all.
 
And back in Chicago there had been Alice and N—— and K——, whereas here whom had I? Alice was a living pain for years, for in my erratic31 way I was really fond of her. I am of that peculiar disposition32, which will not let memories of old ties and old pleasures die easily. I suffer for things which might not give another a single ache or pain. Alice came very close to me, and now she was gone. Without any reasonable complaint, save that I was slightly weary, did not care for her as much as I had, and that my mind was full of the world outside and my future, I had left her. It had not been more than four weeks since I had visited her in her little parlor33 in Chicago, sipping34 of those delights which only youth and ecstatic imagination can conjure35; now I was three hundred miles away from her kisses and the warmth of her hands. At the same time there was this devil or angel of ambition which quite in spite of myself was sweeping36 me onward37. I fancied some vast Napoleonic ending for myself, which of course was moonshine. I could not have gone back to Chicago then if I had wished; it was not spiritually possible. Something within kept saying “On—on!” Besides, it would have done no good. The reaction would have been more irritating than the pain it satisfied. As it was, I could only walk about the city in this chilling November weather and speculate about myself and Alice and N—— and K—— and my own future. What an odd beginning, I often thought to myself. Scandalous, perhaps, in one so young: three girls in as many years, two of them deeply and seriously wounded by me.
 
“I shall write to her,” I thought. “I will ask her to come down here. I can’t stand this. She is too lovely and precious to me. It is cruel to leave her so.”
 
There is this to be said for me in regard to my not writing to her: I was uncertain as to the financial practicability of it. In Chicago I had been telling her of my excellent position, boasting that I was making more than I really was. So long as I was there and not married the pretense38 could easily be sustained. Here, three hundred miles away, where she would and could not come unless I was prepared to support her, it was a different matter. To ask her now meant a financial burden which I did not feel able, or at least willing, to assume. No doubt I could have starved her on twenty dollars a week; had I been desperately39 swayed by love I would have done so. I could even have had her, had I so chosen, on conditions which did not involve marriage; but I could not bring myself to do this. I did not think it quite fair. I felt that she would have a just claim to my continuing the relation with her.... And outside was the wide world. I told myself that I would marry her if I had money. If she had not been of a soft yielding type she could easily have entrapped40 me, but she had not chosen to do so. Anyhow, here I was, and here I stayed, meditating41 on the tragedy of it all.
 
By this time of course it is quite obvious that I was not an ethically42 correct and moral youth, but a sentimental43 boy of considerable range of feeling who, facing the confusing evidences of life, was not prepared to accept anything as final. I did not know then whether I believed that the morality and right conduct preached by the teachers of the world were important or not. The religious and social aphorisms44 of the day had been impressed upon me, but they did not stick. Something whispered to me that apart from theory there was another way which the world took and which had little in common with the strait and narrow path of the doctrinaires. Not all men swindle in little things, or lie or cheat, but how few fail to compromise in big ones. Perhaps I would not have deliberately45 lied about anything, at least not in important matters, and I would not now under ordinary circumstances after the one experience in Chicago have stolen. Beyond this I could not have said how I would have acted under given circumstances. Women were not included in my moral speculations46 as among those who were to receive strict justice—not pretty women. In that, perhaps, I was right: they did not always wish it. I was anxious to meet with many of them, as many as I might, and I would have conducted myself as joyously47 as their own consciences would permit. That I was to be in any way punished for this, or that the world would severely48 censure49 me for it, I did not yet believe. Other boys did it; they were constantly talking about it. The world—the world of youth at least—seemed to be concerned with libertinage50. Why should not I be?
 

点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 boon CRVyF     
n.恩赐,恩物,恩惠
参考例句:
  • A car is a real boon when you live in the country.在郊外居住,有辆汽车确实极为方便。
  • These machines have proved a real boon to disabled people.事实证明这些机器让残疾人受益匪浅。
2 wheezing 725d713049073d5b2a804fc762d3b774     
v.喘息,发出呼哧呼哧的喘息声( wheeze的现在分词 );哮鸣
参考例句:
  • He was coughing and wheezing all night. 他整夜又咳嗽又喘。
  • A barrel-organ was wheezing out an old tune. 一架手摇风琴正在呼哧呼哧地奏着一首古老的曲子。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
3 reverently FjPzwr     
adv.虔诚地
参考例句:
  • He gazed reverently at the handiwork. 他满怀敬意地凝视着这件手工艺品。
  • Pork gazed at it reverently and slowly delight spread over his face. 波克怀着愉快的心情看着这只表,脸上慢慢显出十分崇敬的神色。
4 inspection y6TxG     
n.检查,审查,检阅
参考例句:
  • On random inspection the meat was found to be bad.经抽查,发现肉变质了。
  • The soldiers lined up for their daily inspection by their officers.士兵们列队接受军官的日常检阅。
5 verge gUtzQ     
n.边,边缘;v.接近,濒临
参考例句:
  • The country's economy is on the verge of collapse.国家的经济已到了崩溃的边缘。
  • She was on the verge of bursting into tears.她快要哭出来了。
6 mansions 55c599f36b2c0a2058258d6f2310fd20     
n.宅第,公馆,大厦( mansion的名词复数 )
参考例句:
  • Fifth Avenue was boarded up where the rich had deserted their mansions. 第五大道上的富翁们已经出去避暑,空出的宅第都已锁好了门窗,钉上了木板。 来自英汉文学 - 嘉莉妹妹
  • Oh, the mansions, the lights, the perfume, the loaded boudoirs and tables! 啊,那些高楼大厦、华灯、香水、藏金收银的闺房还有摆满山珍海味的餐桌! 来自英汉文学 - 嘉莉妹妹
7 rabble LCEy9     
n.乌合之众,暴民;下等人
参考例句:
  • They formed an army out of rabble.他们用乌合之众组成一支军队。
  • Poverty in itself does not make men into a rabble.贫困自身并不能使人成为贱民。
8 skyscraper vxzwd     
n.摩天大楼
参考例句:
  • The skyscraper towers into the clouds.那幢摩天大楼高耸入云。
  • The skyscraper was wrapped in fog.摩天楼为雾所笼罩。
9 contemplated d22c67116b8d5696b30f6705862b0688     
adj. 预期的 动词contemplate的过去分词形式
参考例句:
  • The doctor contemplated the difficult operation he had to perform. 医生仔细地考虑他所要做的棘手的手术。
  • The government has contemplated reforming the entire tax system. 政府打算改革整个税收体制。
10 entirely entirely     
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地
参考例句:
  • The fire was entirely caused by their neglect of duty. 那场火灾完全是由于他们失职而引起的。
  • His life was entirely given up to the educational work. 他的一生统统献给了教育工作。
11 depot Rwax2     
n.仓库,储藏处;公共汽车站;火车站
参考例句:
  • The depot is only a few blocks from here.公共汽车站离这儿只有几个街区。
  • They leased the building as a depot.他们租用这栋大楼作仓库。
12 grandeur hejz9     
n.伟大,崇高,宏伟,庄严,豪华
参考例句:
  • The grandeur of the Great Wall is unmatched.长城的壮观是独一无二的。
  • These ruins sufficiently attest the former grandeur of the place.这些遗迹充分证明此处昔日的宏伟。
13 gaudy QfmzN     
adj.华而不实的;俗丽的
参考例句:
  • She was tricked out in gaudy dress.她穿得华丽而俗气。
  • The gaudy butterfly is sure that the flowers owe thanks to him.浮华的蝴蝶却相信花是应该向它道谢的。
14 verandas 1a565cfad0b95bd949f7ae808a04570a     
阳台,走廊( veranda的名词复数 )
参考例句:
  • Women in stiff bright-colored silks strolled about long verandas, squired by men in evening clothes. 噼噼啪啪香槟酒的瓶塞的声音此起彼伏。
  • They overflowed on verandas and many were sitting on benches in the dim lantern-hung yard. 他们有的拥到了走郎上,有的坐在挂着灯笼显得有点阴暗的院子里。
15 doorways 9f2a4f4f89bff2d72720b05d20d8f3d6     
n.门口,门道( doorway的名词复数 )
参考例句:
  • The houses belched people; the doorways spewed out children. 从各家茅屋里涌出一堆一堆的人群,从门口蹦出一群一群小孩。 来自辞典例句
  • He rambled under the walls and doorways. 他就顺着墙根和门楼遛跶。 来自辞典例句
16 throbbing 8gMzA0     
a. 跳动的,悸动的
参考例句:
  • My heart is throbbing and I'm shaking. 我的心在猛烈跳动,身子在不住颤抖。
  • There was a throbbing in her temples. 她的太阳穴直跳。
17 wholesale Ig9wL     
n.批发;adv.以批发方式;vt.批发,成批出售
参考例句:
  • The retail dealer buys at wholesale and sells at retail.零售商批发购进货物,以零售价卖出。
  • Such shoes usually wholesale for much less.这种鞋批发出售通常要便宜得多。
18 tenements 307ebb75cdd759d238f5844ec35f9e27     
n.房屋,住户,租房子( tenement的名词复数 )
参考例句:
  • Here were crumbling tenements, squalid courtyards and stinking alleys. 随处可见破烂的住房、肮脏的庭院和臭气熏天的小胡同。 来自辞典例句
  • The tenements are in a poor section of the city. 共同住宅是在城中较贫苦的区域里。 来自辞典例句
19 dingy iu8xq     
adj.昏暗的,肮脏的
参考例句:
  • It was a street of dingy houses huddled together. 这是一条挤满了破旧房子的街巷。
  • The dingy cottage was converted into a neat tasteful residence.那间脏黑的小屋已变成一个整洁雅致的住宅。
20 peculiar cinyo     
adj.古怪的,异常的;特殊的,特有的
参考例句:
  • He walks in a peculiar fashion.他走路的样子很奇特。
  • He looked at me with a very peculiar expression.他用一种很奇怪的表情看着我。
21 robust FXvx7     
adj.强壮的,强健的,粗野的,需要体力的,浓的
参考例句:
  • She is too tall and robust.她个子太高,身体太壮。
  • China wants to keep growth robust to reduce poverty and avoid job losses,AP commented.美联社评论道,中国希望保持经济强势增长,以减少贫困和失业状况。
22 rugged yXVxX     
adj.高低不平的,粗糙的,粗壮的,强健的
参考例句:
  • Football players must be rugged.足球运动员必须健壮。
  • The Rocky Mountains have rugged mountains and roads.落基山脉有崇山峻岭和崎岖不平的道路。
23 steadily Qukw6     
adv.稳定地;不变地;持续地
参考例句:
  • The scope of man's use of natural resources will steadily grow.人类利用自然资源的广度将日益扩大。
  • Our educational reform was steadily led onto the correct path.我们的教学改革慢慢上轨道了。
24 systematically 7qhwn     
adv.有系统地
参考例句:
  • This government has systematically run down public services since it took office.这一屆政府自上台以来系统地削减了公共服务。
  • The rainforest is being systematically destroyed.雨林正被系统地毀灭。
25 inane T4mye     
adj.空虚的,愚蠢的,空洞的
参考例句:
  • She started asking me inane questions.她开始问我愚蠢的问题。
  • Such comments are inane because they don't help us solve our problem.这种评论纯属空洞之词,不能帮助我们解决问题。
26 mediocre 57gza     
adj.平常的,普通的
参考例句:
  • The student tried hard,but his work is mediocre. 该生学习刻苦,但学业平庸。
  • Only lazybones and mediocre persons could hanker after the days of messing together.只有懒汉庸才才会留恋那大锅饭的年代。
27 insignificant k6Mx1     
adj.无关紧要的,可忽略的,无意义的
参考例句:
  • In winter the effect was found to be insignificant.在冬季,这种作用是不明显的。
  • This problem was insignificant compared to others she faced.这一问题与她面临的其他问题比较起来算不得什么。
28 jovial TabzG     
adj.快乐的,好交际的
参考例句:
  • He seemed jovial,but his eyes avoided ours.他显得很高兴,但他的眼光却避开了我们的眼光。
  • Grandma was plump and jovial.祖母身材圆胖,整天乐呵呵的。
29 follower gjXxP     
n.跟随者;随员;门徒;信徒
参考例句:
  • He is a faithful follower of his home football team.他是他家乡足球队的忠实拥护者。
  • Alexander is a pious follower of the faith.亚历山大是个虔诚的信徒。
30 disintegration TtJxi     
n.分散,解体
参考例句:
  • This defeat led to the disintegration of the empire.这次战败道致了帝国的瓦解。
  • The incident has hastened the disintegration of the club.这一事件加速了该俱乐部的解体。
31 erratic ainzj     
adj.古怪的,反复无常的,不稳定的
参考例句:
  • The old man had always been cranky and erratic.那老头儿性情古怪,反复无常。
  • The erratic fluctuation of market prices is in consequence of unstable economy.经济波动致使市场物价忽起忽落。
32 disposition GljzO     
n.性情,性格;意向,倾向;排列,部署
参考例句:
  • He has made a good disposition of his property.他已对财产作了妥善处理。
  • He has a cheerful disposition.他性情开朗。
33 parlor v4MzU     
n.店铺,营业室;会客室,客厅
参考例句:
  • She was lying on a small settee in the parlor.她躺在客厅的一张小长椅上。
  • Is there a pizza parlor in the neighborhood?附近有没有比萨店?
34 sipping e7d80fb5edc3b51045def1311858d0ae     
v.小口喝,呷,抿( sip的现在分词 )
参考例句:
  • She sat in the sun, idly sipping a cool drink. 她坐在阳光下懒洋洋地抿着冷饮。
  • She sat there, sipping at her tea. 她坐在那儿抿着茶。
35 conjure tnRyN     
v.恳求,祈求;变魔术,变戏法
参考例句:
  • I conjure you not to betray me.我恳求你不要背弃我。
  • I can't simply conjure up the money out of thin air.我是不能像变魔术似的把钱变来。
36 sweeping ihCzZ4     
adj.范围广大的,一扫无遗的
参考例句:
  • The citizens voted for sweeping reforms.公民投票支持全面的改革。
  • Can you hear the wind sweeping through the branches?你能听到风掠过树枝的声音吗?
37 onward 2ImxI     
adj.向前的,前进的;adv.向前,前进,在先
参考例句:
  • The Yellow River surges onward like ten thousand horses galloping.黄河以万马奔腾之势滚滚向前。
  • He followed in the steps of forerunners and marched onward.他跟随着先辈的足迹前进。
38 pretense yQYxi     
n.矫饰,做作,借口
参考例句:
  • You can't keep up the pretense any longer.你无法继续伪装下去了。
  • Pretense invariably impresses only the pretender.弄虚作假欺骗不了真正的行家。
39 desperately cu7znp     
adv.极度渴望地,绝望地,孤注一掷地
参考例句:
  • He was desperately seeking a way to see her again.他正拼命想办法再见她一面。
  • He longed desperately to be back at home.他非常渴望回家。
40 entrapped eb21b3b8e7dad36e21d322e11b46715d     
v.使陷入圈套,使入陷阱( entrap的过去式和过去分词 )
参考例句:
  • He was entrapped into undertaking the work. 他受骗而担任那工作。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • He felt he had been entrapped into marrying her. 他觉得和她结婚是上了当。 来自辞典例句
41 meditating hoKzDp     
a.沉思的,冥想的
参考例句:
  • They were meditating revenge. 他们在谋划进行报复。
  • The congressman is meditating a reply to his critics. 这位国会议员正在考虑给他的批评者一个答复。
42 ethically CtrzbD     
adv.在伦理上,道德上
参考例句:
  • Ethically , we have nothing to be ashamed about . 从伦理上说,我们没有什么好羞愧的。
  • Describe the appropriate action to take in an ethically ambiguous situation. 描述适当行为采取在一个道德地模棱两可的情况。
43 sentimental dDuzS     
adj.多愁善感的,感伤的
参考例句:
  • She's a sentimental woman who believes marriage comes by destiny.她是多愁善感的人,她相信姻缘命中注定。
  • We were deeply touched by the sentimental movie.我们深深被那感伤的电影所感动。
44 aphorisms 5291cd1d01d630b01eaeb2f84166ab60     
格言,警句( aphorism的名词复数 )
参考例句:
  • He formulated trenchant aphorisms that caught their attention. 他阐述的鲜明格言引起了人们的注意。
  • The aphorisms started following like water as all the old cliches got dusted off. 一些陈词滥调象尘土一样扬起,一些格言警句象洪水一样到处泛滥。
45 deliberately Gulzvq     
adv.审慎地;蓄意地;故意地
参考例句:
  • The girl gave the show away deliberately.女孩故意泄露秘密。
  • They deliberately shifted off the argument.他们故意回避这个论点。
46 speculations da17a00acfa088f5ac0adab7a30990eb     
n.投机买卖( speculation的名词复数 );思考;投机活动;推断
参考例句:
  • Your speculations were all quite close to the truth. 你的揣测都很接近于事实。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
  • This possibility gives rise to interesting speculations. 这种可能性引起了有趣的推测。 来自《用法词典》
47 joyously 1p4zu0     
ad.快乐地, 高兴地
参考例句:
  • She opened the door for me and threw herself in my arms, screaming joyously and demanding that we decorate the tree immediately. 她打开门,直扑我的怀抱,欣喜地喊叫着要马上装饰圣诞树。
  • They came running, crying out joyously in trilling girlish voices. 她们边跑边喊,那少女的颤音好不欢快。 来自名作英译部分
48 severely SiCzmk     
adv.严格地;严厉地;非常恶劣地
参考例句:
  • He was severely criticized and removed from his post.他受到了严厉的批评并且被撤了职。
  • He is severely put down for his careless work.他因工作上的粗心大意而受到了严厉的批评。
49 censure FUWym     
v./n.责备;非难;责难
参考例句:
  • You must not censure him until you know the whole story.在弄清全部事实真相前不要谴责他。
  • His dishonest behaviour came under severe censure.他的不诚实行为受到了严厉指责。
50 libertinage 61470838a15f85598e901505049ff85e     
n.放荡,自由观点
参考例句:
  • These books feature Western-style libertinage through endless tales about sex and drugs. 这些书以通过无数的性和毒品的故事来宣扬西方式的解放为特色。 来自互联网


欢迎访问英文小说网

©英文小说网 2005-2010

有任何问题,请给我们留言,管理员邮箱:[email protected]  站长QQ :点击发送消息和我们联系56065533