CHAPTER XXXII

 While I rejoiced in the thought that I might now, and so easily, become a successful comic opera librettist¹, and a poet besides, still I found myself for the most part in a very gloomy frame of mind. One of the things that grieved me intensely, as I have said, was the sight of bitter poverty and failure, and the fact that I personally was not one of those solid commercial figures of which St. Louis was full at this time. They filled the great hotels, the clubs, the mansions², the social positions of importance. They were free, as I foolishly thought, to indulge in all those luxuries and pleasures which, as I so sadly saw, the poor were not privileged to enjoy, myself included. Just about that time there was something about a commercial institution—its exterior³ simplicity⁴ and bareness, the thrash of its inward life, its suggestion of energy, force, compulsion and need—which invariably held me spellbound. Despite my literary and artistic⁵ ambitions, I still continued to think it essential, to me, and to all men for that matter if they were to have any force and dignity in this world, that each and every one should be in control of something of this kind, something commercially and financially successful. And what was I—a pale sprout⁶ of a newspaper man, possibly an editor or author in the future, but what more?

 

At times this state of mind tended to make me irritable⁷ and even savage⁸ instead of sad. I thought that my very generous benefactor⁹, the great McCullagh, ought to see what an important man I was and give me at once the dramatic editorship free and clear of any other work, or at least combine it with something better than mere¹⁰ reporting. I ought to be allowed to do editorials or special work. Again, my mind, although largely freed of Catholic and religious dogma generally and the belief in the workability of the Christian¹¹ ideals as laid down in the Sermon on the Mount, was still swashing around among the idealistic maxims¹² of Christ and the religionists and moralists generally, contrasting them hourly, as it were, with the selfish materialism¹³ of the day as I saw it. Look at the strong men at the top, I was constantly saying to myself, so comfortable, so indifferent, so cruelly dull. How I liked to flail¹⁴ them with maxims excerpted from Christ! Those large districts south of the business heart, along the river and elsewhere, which nightly or weekly Wood, McCord and myself were investigating and which were crowded with the unfit, the unsuccessful, the unhappy—how they haunted me and how I attempted (in my mind, of course) to indict¹⁵ society and comfort them with the poetic¹⁶ if helpless words of the Beatitudes and the Sermon on the Mount: “Blessed are the poor,” etc. Betimes, interviewing one important citizen and another, I gained the impression that they truly despised any one who was poor, that they did not give him or his fate a second thought; and betimes I was right—other times wrong. But having been reared on maxims relative to Christian duty I thought they should devote their all to the poor. This failure on their part seemed terrible to me, for having been taught to believe in the Sermon on the Mount I thought they—not myself, for instance—were the ones to make it work out. Mr. McCullagh had begun sending me out of town on various news stories, which was in itself the equivalent of a traveling correspondentship and might readily have led to my being officially recognized as such if I had remained there long enough. Trials of murder cases in St. Joseph and Hannibal, threatened floods in lower Illinois, and train robberies (common occurrences in this region, either between St. Louis and Kansas City, or St. Louis and Louisville) made it necessary for me to make arrangements with Hazard or Wood to carry on my dramatic work while I went about these tasks; a necessity which I partly relished¹⁷ and partly disliked, being uncertain as to which was the more important task to me.

 

However, I was far from satisfied. I was too restless and dissatisfied. Life, life, life, its contrasts, disappointments, lacks, enticements, was always prodding¹⁸ me. The sun might shine brightly, the winds of fortune blow favorably. Nevertheless, though I might enjoy both, there was always this undertone of something that was not happiness. I was not placed right. I was not this, I was not that. Life was slipping away fast (and I was twenty-one!). I could see the tiny sands of my little life’s hourglass sifting¹⁹ down, and what was I achieving? Soon the strength time, the love time, the gay time, of color and romance, would be gone, and if I had not spent it fully²⁰, joyously²¹, richly what would there be left for me then? The joys of a mythical²² heaven or hereafter played no part in my calculations. When one was dead one was dead for all time. Hence the reason for the heartbreak over failure here and now; the awful tragedy of a love lost, a youth never properly enjoyed. Think of living and yet not living in so thrashing a world as this, the best of one’s hours passing unused or not properly used. Think of seeing this tinkling²³ phantasmagoria of pain and pleasure, beauty and all its sweets, go by, and yet being compelled to be a bystander, a mere onlooker²⁴, enhungered but never satisfied! In this mood I worked on, doing sometimes good work because I was temporarily fascinated and entertained, at other times grumbling²⁵ and dawdling²⁶ and moaning over what seemed to me the horrible humdrum²⁷ of it all.

 

One day, in just such a mood as this, I received the following final letter from Alice, from whom I had not heard now in months:

 

“Dear Theo,

 

“Tomorrow is my wedding-day. Tomorrow at twelve. This may strike you as strange. Well, I have waited—I don’t know how long—it has seemed like years to me—for some word, but I knew it was not to be. Your last letter showed me that. I knew that you did not intend to return, and so I went back to Mr. ——. I had to. What else have I to look forward to? You know how unhappy I am here with my family, now that you are gone, in spite of how much they care for me.

 

“Oh, Theo, you must think me foolish for writing this. I am ashamed of myself. Still, I wanted to let you know, and to say good-bye, for although you have been indifferent I cannot bear any hard feelings toward you. I will make Mr. —— a good wife. He understands I do not love him, but that I appreciate him. Tomorrow I will marry him, unless—unless something happens. You ought not to have told me that you loved me, Theo, unless you could have stayed with me. You have caused me so much pain.

 

“But I must say good-bye. This is the last letter I shall ever write you. Don’t send my letters now—tear them up. It is too late. Oh, if you only knew how hard it has been to bring myself to this!

 

“Alice.”

I sat and stared at the floor after reading this. The pain I had caused was a heavy weight. The implication that if I would come to Chicago before noon of this day, or telegraph for her to delay, was too much. What if I should go to Chicago and get her—then what? To her it would be a beautiful thing, the height of romance, saving her from a cruel or dreary²⁸ fate; but what of me? Should I be happy? Was my profession or my present restless and uncertain state of mind anything to base a marriage on? I knew it was not.... I also knew that Alice, in spite of my great sadness and affection for her, was really nothing more to me than a passing bit of beauty, charming in itself but of no great import to me. I was sad for her and for myself, saddest because of that chief characteristic of mine and of life which will not let anything endure permanently²⁹: love, wealth, fame. I was too restless, too changeful. There rose before me a picture of my finances as compared with what they ought to be, and of any future in marriage based on it. Actually, as I looked at it then, it was more the fault of life than mine.

 

These thoughts, balancing with the wish I had for greater advancement³⁰, caused me as usual to hesitate. But I was in no danger of doing anything impulsive³¹: there was no great impelling³² passion in this. It was mere sentiment, growing more and more roseate and less and less operative. I groaned³³ inwardly, but night came and the next day, and I had not answered. At noon Alice had been married, as she afterward³⁴ told me—years afterward, when the fire was all gone and this romance was ended forever.

 

1 librettist   

n.(歌剧、音乐剧等的)歌词作者

参考例句：

• The musician and the librettist were collaborators. 音乐家与剧作者通力合作。
• Italian-born American composer and librettist whose operas include The Medium(1946) and The Consul(1950). 梅诺蒂，吉安卡洛生于1911意大利裔美国作曲家和歌剧词作者，其歌剧作品包括女巫（1946年）及领事（1950年）

2 mansions   

n.宅第，公馆，大厦( mansion的名词复数 )

参考例句：

• Fifth Avenue was boarded up where the rich had deserted their mansions. 第五大道上的富翁们已经出去避暑，空出的宅第都已锁好了门窗，钉上了木板。 来自英汉文学 - 嘉莉妹妹
• Oh, the mansions, the lights, the perfume, the loaded boudoirs and tables! 啊，那些高楼大厦、华灯、香水、藏金收银的闺房还有摆满山珍海味的餐桌！ 来自英汉文学 - 嘉莉妹妹

3 exterior   

adj.外部的，外在的；表面的

参考例句：

• The seed has a hard exterior covering.这种子外壳很硬。
• We are painting the exterior wall of the house.我们正在给房子的外墙涂漆。

4 simplicity   

n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯

参考例句：

• She dressed with elegant simplicity.她穿着朴素高雅。
• The beauty of this plan is its simplicity.简明扼要是这个计划的一大特点。

5 artistic   

adj.艺术(家)的，美术(家)的；善于艺术创作的

参考例句：

• The picture on this screen is a good artistic work.这屏风上的画是件很好的艺术品。
• These artistic handicrafts are very popular with foreign friends.外国朋友很喜欢这些美术工艺品。

6 sprout   

n.芽，萌芽；vt.使发芽，摘去芽；vi.长芽，抽条

参考例句：

• When do deer first sprout horns?鹿在多大的时候开始长出角？
• It takes about a week for the seeds to sprout.这些种子大约要一周后才会发芽。

7 irritable   

adj.急躁的；过敏的；易怒的

参考例句：

• He gets irritable when he's got toothache.他牙一疼就很容易发脾气。
• Our teacher is an irritable old lady.She gets angry easily.我们的老师是位脾气急躁的老太太。她很容易生气。

8 savage   

adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人

参考例句：

• The poor man received a savage beating from the thugs.那可怜的人遭到暴徒的痛打。
• He has a savage temper.他脾气粗暴。

9 benefactor   

n. 恩人，行善的人，捐助人

参考例句：

• The chieftain of that country is disguised as a benefactor this time. 那个国家的首领这一次伪装出一副施恩者的姿态。
• The first thing I did, was to recompense my original benefactor, my good old captain. 我所做的第一件事, 就是报答我那最初的恩人, 那位好心的老船长。

10 mere   

adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过

参考例句：

• That is a mere repetition of what you said before.那不过是重复了你以前讲的话。
• It's a mere waste of time waiting any longer.再等下去纯粹是浪费时间。

11 Christian   

adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒

参考例句：

• They always addressed each other by their Christian name.他们总是以教名互相称呼。
• His mother is a sincere Christian.他母亲是个虔诚的基督教徒。

12 maxims   

n.格言，座右铭( maxim的名词复数 )

参考例句：

• Courts also draw freely on traditional maxims of construction. 法院也自由吸收传统的解释准则。 来自英汉非文学 - 行政法
• There are variant formulations of some of the maxims. 有些准则有多种表达方式。 来自辞典例句

13 materialism   

n.［哲］唯物主义，唯物论；物质至上

参考例句：

• Idealism is opposite to materialism.唯心论和唯物论是对立的。
• Crass materialism causes people to forget spiritual values.极端唯物主义使人忘掉精神价值。

14 flail   

v.用连枷打；击打；n.连枷（脱粒用的工具）

参考例句：

• No fence against flail.飞来横祸不胜防。
• His arms were flailing in all directions.他的手臂胡乱挥舞着。

15 indict   

v.起诉，控告，指控

参考例句：

• You can't indict whole people for the crudeness of a few.您不能因少数人的粗暴行为就控诉整个民族。
• I can indict you for abducting high school student.我可以告你诱拐中学生。

16 poetic   

adj.富有诗意的，有诗人气质的，善于抒情的

参考例句：

• His poetic idiom is stamped with expressions describing group feeling and thought.他的诗中的措辞往往带有描写群体感情和思想的印记。
• His poetic novels have gone through three different historical stages.他的诗情小说创作经历了三个不同的历史阶段。

17 relished   

v.欣赏( relish的过去式和过去分词 )；从…获得乐趣；渴望

参考例句：

• The chaplain relished the privacy and isolation of his verdant surroundings. 牧师十分欣赏他那苍翠的环境所具有的幽雅恬静，与世隔绝的气氛。 来自辞典例句
• Dalleson relished the first portion of the work before him. 达尔生对眼前这工作的前半部分满有兴趣。 来自辞典例句

18 prodding   

v.刺，戳( prod的现在分词 )；刺激；促使；（用手指或尖物）戳

参考例句：

• He needed no prodding. 他不用督促。
• The boy is prodding the animal with a needle. 那男孩正用一根针刺那动物。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》

19 sifting   

n.筛，过滤v.筛( sift的现在分词 )；筛滤；细查；详审

参考例句：

• He lay on the beach, sifting the sand through his fingers. 他躺在沙滩上用手筛砂子玩。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• I was sifting the cinders when she came in. 她进来时，我正在筛煤渣。 来自辞典例句

20 fully   

adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地

参考例句：

• The doctor asked me to breathe in,then to breathe out fully.医生让我先吸气，然后全部呼出。
• They soon became fully integrated into the local community.他们很快就完全融入了当地人的圈子。

21 joyously   

ad.快乐地, 高兴地

参考例句：

• She opened the door for me and threw herself in my arms, screaming joyously and demanding that we decorate the tree immediately. 她打开门，直扑我的怀抱，欣喜地喊叫着要马上装饰圣诞树。
• They came running, crying out joyously in trilling girlish voices. 她们边跑边喊，那少女的颤音好不欢快。 来自名作英译部分

22 mythical   

adj.神话的；虚构的；想像的

参考例句：

• Undeniably,he is a man of mythical status.不可否认，他是一个神话般的人物。
• Their wealth is merely mythical.他们的财富完全是虚构的。

23 tinkling   

n.丁当作响声

参考例句：

• I could hear bells tinkling in the distance. 我能听到远处叮当铃响。
• To talk to him was like listening to the tinkling of a worn-out musical-box. 跟他说话，犹如听一架老掉牙的八音盒子丁冬响。 来自英汉文学

24 onlooker   

n.旁观者，观众

参考例句：

• A handful of onlookers stand in the field watching.少数几个旁观者站在现场观看。
• One onlooker had to be restrained by police.一个旁观者遭到了警察的制止。

25 grumbling   

adj. 喃喃鸣不平的, 出怨言的

参考例句：

• She's always grumbling to me about how badly she's treated at work. 她总是向我抱怨她在工作中如何受亏待。
• We didn't hear any grumbling about the food. 我们没听到过对食物的抱怨。

26 dawdling   

adj.闲逛的，懒散的v.混（时间）( dawdle的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• Stop dawdling! We're going to be late! 别磨蹭了，咱们快迟到了！
• It was all because of your dawdling that we were late. 都是你老磨蹭，害得我们迟到了。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》

27 humdrum   

adj.单调的，乏味的

参考例句：

• Their lives consist of the humdrum activities of everyday existence.他们的生活由日常生存的平凡活动所构成。
• The accountant said it was the most humdrum day that she had ever passed.会计师说这是她所度过的最无聊的一天。

28 dreary   

adj.令人沮丧的，沉闷的，单调乏味的

参考例句：

• They live such dreary lives.他们的生活如此乏味。
• She was tired of hearing the same dreary tale of drunkenness and violence.她听够了那些关于酗酒和暴力的乏味故事。

29 permanently   

adv.永恒地，永久地，固定不变地

参考例句：

• The accident left him permanently scarred.那次事故给他留下了永久的伤疤。
• The ship is now permanently moored on the Thames in London.该船现在永久地停泊在伦敦泰晤士河边。

30 advancement   

n.前进，促进，提升

参考例句：

• His new contribution to the advancement of physiology was well appreciated.他对生理学发展的新贡献获得高度赞赏。
• The aim of a university should be the advancement of learning.大学的目标应是促进学术。

31 impulsive   

adj.冲动的，刺激的；有推动力的

参考例句：

• She is impulsive in her actions.她的行为常出于冲动。
• He was neither an impulsive nor an emotional man,but a very honest and sincere one.他不是个一冲动就鲁莽行事的人，也不多愁善感.他为人十分正直、诚恳。

32 impelling   

adj.迫使性的，强有力的v.推动、推进或敦促某人做某事( impel的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• Impelling-binding mechanism is the micro foundation of venture capital operation. 激励约束机制是创业投资运作的微观基础。 来自互联网
• Impelling supervision is necessary measure of administrative ethic construction. 强有力的监督是行政伦理建设的重要保证。 来自互联网

33 groaned   

v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦

参考例句：

• He groaned in anguish. 他痛苦地呻吟。
• The cart groaned under the weight of the piano. 大车在钢琴的重压下嘎吱作响。 来自《简明英汉词典》

34 afterward   

adv.后来；以后

参考例句：

• Let's go to the theatre first and eat afterward. 让我们先去看戏，然后吃饭。
• Afterward,the boy became a very famous artist.后来，这男孩成为一个很有名的艺术家。