What was most annoying was that at first blush people usually took me to be good, to be kind, generous, loyal, faithful. Perhaps I did possess these virtues12 but if so it was because I was indifferent: I could afford to be good, kind, generous, loyal, and so forth13, since I was free of envy. Envy was the one thing I was never a victim of. I have never envied anybody or anything. On the contrary, I have only felt pity for everybody and everything.
From the very beginning I must have trained myself not to want anything too badly. From the very beginning I was independent, in a false way. I had need of nobody because I wanted to be free, free to do and to give only as my whims14 dictated15. The moment anything was expected or demanded of me I balked16. That was the form my independence took. I was corrupt17, in other words, corrupt from the start. It's as though my mother fed me a poison, and though I was weaned young the poison never left my system. Even when she weaned me it seemed that I was completely indifferent, most children rebel, or make a pretense18 of rebelling, but I didn't give a damn, I was a philosopher when still in swaddling clothes. I was against life, on principle. What principle? The principle of futility19. Everybody around me was struggling. I myself never made an effort. If I appeared to be making an effort it was only to please someone else; at bottom I didn't give a rap. And if you can tell me why this should have been so I will deny it, because I was born with a cussed streak20 in me and nothing can eliminate it. I heard later, when I had grown up, that they had a hell of a time bringing me out of the womb. I can understand that perfectly21. Why budge22? Why come out of a nice warm place, a cosy23 retreat in which everything is offered you gratis24? The earliest remembrance I have is of the cold, the snow and ice in the gutter25, the frost on the window panes26, the chill of the sweaty green walls in the kitchen. Why do people live in outlandish climates in the temperatezones, as they are miscalled? Because people are naturally idiots, naturally sluggards, naturally cowards. Until I was about ten years old I never realized that there were "warm" countries, places where you didn't have to sweat for a living, nor shiver and pretend that it was tonic27 and exhilarating. Wherever there is cold there are people who work themselves to the bone and when they produce young they preach to the young the gospel of work -which is nothing, at bottom, but the doctrine28 of inertia29. My people were entirely30 Nordic, which is to say idiots.Every wrong idea which has ever been expounded31 was theirs. Among them was the doctrine of cleanliness, to say nothing of righteousness. They were painfully dean. But inwardly they stank32. Never once had they opened the door which leads to the soul; never once did they dream of taking a blind leap into the dark. After dinner the dishes were promptly33 washed and put in the closet; after the paper was read it was neatly34 folded and laid away on a shelf; after the clothes were washed they were ironed and folded and then tucked away in the drawers. Everything was for tomorrow, but tomorrow never came. The present was only a bridge and on this bridge they are still groaning35, as the world groans36, and not one idiot ever thinks of blowing up the bridge.
In my bitterness I often search for reasons to condemn37 them, the better to condemn myself. For I am like them too, in many ways. For a long while I thought I had escaped, but as time goes on I see that I am no better, that I am even a little worse, because I saw more dearly than they ever did and yet remained powerless to alter my life. As I look back on my life it seems to me that I never did anything of my own volition38 but always through the pressure of others. People often think of me as an adventurous39 fellow; nothing could be farther from the truth. My adventures were always adventitious40, always thrust on me, always endured rather than undertaken. I am of the very essence of that proud, boastful Nordic people who have never had the least sense of adventure but who nevertheless have scoured41 the earth, turned it upside down, scattering42 relics43 and ruins everywhere. Restless spirits, but not adventurous ones. Agonizing44 spirits, incapable45 of living in the present Disgraceful cowards, all of them, myself included. For there is only one great adventure and that is inward towards the self, and for that, time nor space nor even deeds matter.
Once every few years I was on the verge46 of making this discovery, but in characteristic fashion I always managed to dodge47 the issue. If I try to think of a good excuse I can think only of the environment, of the streets I knew and the people who inhabited them. I can think of no street in America, or of people inhabiting such a street, capable of leading one on towards the discovery of the self. I have walked the streets in many countries of the world but nowhere have I felt so degraded and humiliated48 as in America. I think of all the streets in America combined as forming a huge cesspool, a cesspool of the spirit in which everything is sucked down and drained away to everlasting49 shit. Over this cesspool the spirit of work weaves a magic wand; palaces and factories spring up side by side, and munition50 plants and chemical works and steel mills and sanatoriums and prisons and insane asylums51. The whole continent is a nightmare producing the greatest misery of the greatest number. I was one, a single entity52 in the midst of the greatest jamboree of wealth and happiness (statistical53 wealth, statistical happiness) but I never met a man who was truly wealthy or truly happy. At least I knew that I was unhappy, unwealthy, out of whack54 and out of step. That was my only solace55, my only joy. But it was hardly enough. It would have been better for my peace of mind, for my soul if I had expressed my rebellion openly, if I had gone to jail for it, if I had rotted there and died. It would have been better if, like the mad Czolgosz, I had shot some good President McKinley, some gentle, insignificant56 soul like that who had never done anyone the least harm. Because in the bottom of my heart there was murder: I wanted to see America destroyed, razed57 from top to bottom. I wanted to see this happen purely out of vengeance58, as atonement for the crimes that were committed against me and against others like me who have never been able to lift their voices and express their hatred59, their rebellion, their legitimate60 blood lust61.
I was the evil product of an evil soil. If the self were not imperishable, the "I" I write about would have been destroyed long ago. To some this may seem like an invention, but whatever I imagine to have happened did actually happen, at least to me.History may deny it, since I have played no part in the history of my people, but even if everything I say is wrong, is prejudiced, spiteful, malevolent62, even if I am a liar63 and a poisoner, it is nevertheless the truth and it will have to be swallowed. As to what happened ...
Everything that happens, when it has significance, is in the nature of a contradiction. Until the one for whom this is written came along I imagined that somewhere outside, in life, as they say, lay the solutions to all things. I thought, when I came upon her, that I was seizing hold of life, seizing hold of something which I could bite into. Instead I lost hold of life completely. I reached out for something to attach myself to - and I found nothing. But in reaching out, in the effort to grasp, to attach myself, left high and dry as I was, I nevertheless found something I had not looked for - myself.I found that what I had desired all my life was not to live - if what others are doing is called living - but to express myself. I realized that I had never the least interest in living, but only in this which I am doing now, something which is parallel to life, of it at the same time, and beyond it. What is true interests me scarcely at all, nor even what is real; only that interests me which I imagine to be, that which I had stifled64 every day in order to live. Whether I die today or tomorrow is of no importance to me, never has been, but that today even, after years of effort, I cannot say what I think and feel - that bothers me, that rankles65. From childhood on I can see myself on the track of this spectre, enjoying nothing, desiring nothing but this power, this ability. Everything else is a lie - everything I ever did or said which did not bear upon this. And that is pretty much the greater part of my life.
I was a contradiction in essence, as they say. People took me to be serious and high-minded, or to be gay and reckless, or to be sincere and earnest, or to be negligent66 and carefree. I was all these things at once - and beyond that I was something else, something which no one suspected, least of all myself. As a boy of six or seven I used to sit at my grandfather's workbench and read to him while he sewed. I remember him vividly67 in those moments when, pressing the hot iron against the seam of a coat, he would stand with one hand over the other and look out of the window dreamily. I remember the expression on his face, as he stood there dreaming, better than the contents of the books I read, better than the conversations we had or the games which I played in the street I used to wonder what he was dreaming of, what it was that drew him out of himself. I hadn't learned yet how to dream wideawake. I was always lucid68, in the moment, and all of a piece. His daydreaming69 fascinated me. I knew that he had no connection with what he was doing, not the least thought for any of us, that he was alone and being alone he was free. I was never alone, least of all when I was by myself. Always, it seems to me, I was accompanied: I was like a little crumb70 of a big cheese, which was the world, I suppose, though I never stopped to think about it. But I know I never existed separately, never thought myself the big cheese, as it were. So that even when I had reason to be miserable71, to complain, to weep, I had the illusion of participating in a common, a universal misery. When I wept the whole world was weeping -so I imagined. I wept very seldom. Mostly I was happy, I was laughing, I was having a good time. I had a good time because, as I said before, I really didn't give a fuck about anything. If things were wrong with me they were wrong everywhere, I was convinced of it. And things were wrong usually only when one cared too much. That impressed itself on me very early in life. For example, I remember the case of my young friend Jack72 Lawson. For a whole year he lay in bed, suffering the worst agonies. He was my best friend, so people said at any rate. Well, at first I was probably sorry for him and perhaps now and then I called at his house to inquire about him; but after a month or two had elapsed I grew quite callous73 about his suffering. I said to myself he ought to die and the sooner he dies the better it will be, and having thought thus I acted accordingly, that is to say, I promptly forgot about him, abandoned him to his fate. I was only about twelve years old at the time and I remember being proud of my decision. I remember the funeral too - what a disgraceful affair it was. There they were, friends and relatives all congregated74 about the bier and all
of them bawling75 like sick monkeys. The mother especially gave me a pain in the ass76. She was such a rare, spiritual creature, a Christian77 Scientist, I believe, and though she didn't believe in disease and didn't believe in death either, she raised such a stink78 that Christ himself would have risen from the grave. But not her beloved Jack! No, Jack lay there cold as ice and rigid79 and unbeckonable. He was dead and there were no two ways about it. I knew it and I was glad of it. I didn't waste any tears over it. I couldn't say that he was better off because after all the "he" had vanished. Hewas gone and with him the sufferings he had endured and the suffering he had unwittingly inflicted80 on others. Amen! I said to myself, and with that, being slightly hysterical81, I let a loud fart - right beside the coffin82.
This caring too much - I remember that it only developed with me about the time I first fell in love. And even then I didn't care enough. If I had really cared I wouldn't be here now writing about it: I'd have died of a broken heart, or I'd have swung for it. It was a bad experience because it taught me how to live a lie. It taught me to smile when I didn't want to smile, to work when I didn't believe in work, to live when I had no reason to go on living. Even when I had forgotten her I still retained the trick of doing what I didn't believe in.
I was all chaos from the beginning, as I have said. But sometimes I got so close to the centre, to the very heart of the confusion, that it's a wonder things didn't explode around me.
It is customary to blame everything on the war. I say the war had nothing to do with me, with my life. At a time when others were getting themselves comfortable berths83 I was taking one miserable job after another, and never enough in it to keep body and soul together. Almost as quickly as I was hired I was fired. I had plenty of intelligence but I inspired distrust. Whereever I went I fomented84 discord - not because I was idealistic but because I was like a searchlight exposing the stupidity and futility of everything. Besides, I wasn't a good ass-licker. That marked me, no doubt. People could tell at once when I asked for a job that I really didn't give a damn whether I got it or not. And of course I generally didn't get it. But after a time the mere looking for a job became an activity, a pastime, so to speak.
点击
收听单词发音
收听单词发音 |
1
chaos
|
|
| n.混乱，无秩序 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
2
enveloped
|
|
| v.包围，笼罩，包住( envelop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
3
opaque
|
|
| adj.不透光的；不反光的，不传导的；晦涩的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
4
discord
|
|
| n.不和，意见不合，争论，（音乐）不和谐 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
5
irony
|
|
| n.反语，冷嘲；具有讽刺意味的事，嘲弄 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
6
paradox
|
|
| n.似乎矛盾却正确的说法；自相矛盾的人(物) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
7
substantiated
|
|
| v.用事实支持（某主张、说法等），证明，证实( substantiate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
8
purely
|
|
| adv.纯粹地，完全地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
9
mere
|
|
| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
10
misery
|
|
| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
11
futile
|
|
| adj.无效的，无用的，无希望的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
12
virtues
|
|
| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
13
forth
|
|
| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
14
WHIMS
|
|
| 虚妄，禅病 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
15
dictated
|
|
| v.大声讲或读( dictate的过去式和过去分词 )；口授；支配；摆布 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
16
balked
|
|
| v.畏缩不前，犹豫( balk的过去式和过去分词 )；（指马）不肯跑 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
17
corrupt
|
|
| v.贿赂，收买；adj.腐败的，贪污的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
18
pretense
|
|
| n.矫饰，做作，借口 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
19
futility
|
|
| n.无用 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
20
streak
|
|
| n.条理，斑纹，倾向，少许，痕迹；v.加条纹，变成条纹，奔驰，快速移动 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
21
perfectly
|
|
| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
22
budge
|
|
| v.移动一点儿；改变立场 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
23
cosy
|
|
| adj.温暖而舒适的，安逸的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
24
gratis
|
|
| adj.免费的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
25
gutter
|
|
| n.沟，街沟，水槽，檐槽，贫民窟 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
26
panes
|
|
| 窗玻璃( pane的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
27
tonic
|
|
| n./adj.滋补品，补药，强身的，健体的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
28
doctrine
|
|
| n.教义；主义；学说 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
29
inertia
|
|
| adj.惰性，惯性，懒惰，迟钝 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
30
entirely
|
|
| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
31
expounded
|
|
| 论述，详细讲解( expound的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
32
stank
|
|
| n. (英)坝，堰，池塘 动词stink的过去式 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
33
promptly
|
|
| adv.及时地，敏捷地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
34
neatly
|
|
| adv.整洁地，干净地，灵巧地，熟练地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
35
groaning
|
|
| adj. 呜咽的, 呻吟的 动词groan的现在分词形式 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
36
groans
|
|
| n.呻吟，叹息( groan的名词复数 )；呻吟般的声音v.呻吟( groan的第三人称单数 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
37
condemn
|
|
| vt.谴责，指责；宣判(罪犯)，判刑 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
38
volition
|
|
| n.意志；决意 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
39
adventurous
|
|
| adj.爱冒险的；惊心动魄的，惊险的，刺激的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
40
adventitious
|
|
| adj.偶然的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
41
scoured
|
|
| 走遍（某地）搜寻（人或物）( scour的过去式和过去分词 )； （用力）刷； 擦净； 擦亮 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
42
scattering
|
|
| n.[物]散射；散乱，分散；在媒介质中的散播adj.散乱的；分散在不同范围的；广泛扩散的；（选票）数量分散的v.散射(scatter的ing形式)；散布；驱散 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
43
relics
|
|
| [pl.］n.遗物，遗迹，遗产；遗体，尸骸 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
44
agonizing
|
|
| adj.痛苦难忍的；使人苦恼的v.使极度痛苦；折磨(agonize的ing形式) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
45
incapable
|
|
| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
46
verge
|
|
| n.边，边缘；v.接近，濒临 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
47
dodge
|
|
| v.闪开，躲开，避开；n.妙计，诡计 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
48
humiliated
|
|
| 感到羞愧的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
49
everlasting
|
|
| adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
50
munition
|
|
| n.军火；军需品；v.给某部门提供军火 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
51
asylums
|
|
| n.避难所( asylum的名词复数 )；庇护；政治避难；精神病院 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
52
entity
|
|
| n.实体，独立存在体，实际存在物 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
53
statistical
|
|
| adj.统计的，统计学的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
54
whack
|
|
| v.敲击，重打，瓜分；n.重击，重打，尝试，一份 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
55
solace
|
|
| n.安慰；v.使快乐；vt.安慰(物)，缓和 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
56
insignificant
|
|
| adj.无关紧要的，可忽略的，无意义的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
57
razed
|
|
| v.彻底摧毁，将…夷为平地( raze的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
58
vengeance
|
|
| n.报复，报仇，复仇 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
59
hatred
|
|
| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
60
legitimate
|
|
| adj.合法的，合理的，合乎逻辑的；v.使合法 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
61
lust
|
|
| n.性(淫)欲；渴(欲)望；vi.对…有强烈的欲望 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
62
malevolent
|
|
| adj.有恶意的，恶毒的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
63
liar
|
|
| n.说谎的人 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
64
stifled
|
|
| （使）窒息， （使）窒闷( stifle的过去式和过去分词 )； 镇压，遏制； 堵 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
65
rankles
|
|
| v.（使）痛苦不已，（使）怨恨不已( rankle的第三人称单数 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
66
negligent
|
|
| adj.疏忽的；玩忽的；粗心大意的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
67
vividly
|
|
| adv.清楚地，鲜明地，生动地 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
68
lucid
|
|
| adj.明白易懂的，清晰的，头脑清楚的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
69
daydreaming
|
|
| v.想入非非，空想( daydream的现在分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
70
crumb
|
|
| n.饼屑，面包屑，小量 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
71
miserable
|
|
| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
72
jack
|
|
| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
73
callous
|
|
| adj.无情的，冷淡的，硬结的，起老茧的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
74
congregated
|
|
| （使）集合，聚集( congregate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
75
bawling
|
|
| v.大叫，大喊( bawl的现在分词 )；放声大哭；大声叫出；叫卖（货物） | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
76
ass
|
|
| n.驴；傻瓜，蠢笨的人 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
77
Christian
|
|
| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
78
stink
|
|
| vi.发出恶臭；糟透，招人厌恶；n.恶臭 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
79
rigid
|
|
| adj.严格的，死板的；刚硬的，僵硬的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
80
inflicted
|
|
| 把…强加给，使承受，遭受( inflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
81
hysterical
|
|
| adj.情绪异常激动的，歇斯底里般的 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
82
coffin
|
|
| n.棺材，灵柩 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
83
berths
|
|
| n.（船、列车等的）卧铺( berth的名词复数 )；（船舶的）停泊位或锚位；差事；船台vt.v.停泊( berth的第三人称单数 )；占铺位 | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
|
84
fomented
|
|
| v.激起，煽动（麻烦等）( foment的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句： |
|
|
|
| 欢迎访问英文小说网 |