Things take place instantaneously, but there's a long process to be gone through first. What you get when something happens is only the explosion, and the second before that the spark. But everything happens according to law - and with the full consent and collaboration28 of the whole cosmos29. Before I could get up and explode the bomb had to be properly prepared, properly primed. After putting things in order for the bastards30 up above I had to be taken down from my high horse, had to be kicked around like a football, had to be stepped on, squelched31, humiliated32, fettered33, manacled, made impotent as a jellyfish. All my life I have never wanted for friends, but at this particular period they seemed to spring up around me like mushrooms. I never had a moment to myself. If I went home of a night, hoping to take a rest, somebody would be there waiting to see me. Sometimes a gang of them would be there and it didn't seem to make much difference whether I came or not. Each set of friends I made despised the other set. Stanley, for example, despised the whole lot. Ulric too was rather scornful of the others. He had just come back from Europe after an absence of several years. We hadn't seen much of each other since boyhood and then one day, quite by accident, we met on the street. That day was an important day in my life because it opened up a new world to me, a world I had often dreamed about but never hoped to see. I remember vividly34 that we were standing35 on the comer of Sixth Avenue and 49th Street towards dusk. I remember it because it seemed utterly36 incongruous to be listening to a man talking about Mt. Aetna and Vesuvius and Capri and Pompeii and Morocco and Paris on the comer of Sixth Avenue and 49th St., Manhattan. I remember the way he looked about as he talked, like a man who hadn't quite realized what he was in for but who vaguely37 sensed that he had made a horrible mistake in returning. His eyes seemed to be saying all the time - this has no value, no value whatever. He didn't say that, however, but just this over and over: "I'm sure you'd like it! I'm sure it's just the place for you." When he left me I was in a daze38. I couldn't get hold of him again quickly enough. I wanted to hear it all over again, in minute detail. Nothing that I had read about Europe seemed to match this glowing account from my friend's own lips. It seemed all the more miraculous39 to me in that we had sprung out of the same environment. He had managed it because he had rich friends - and because he knew how to save his money. I had never known any one who was rich, who had travelled, who had money in the bank. All my friends were like myself, drifting from day to day, and never a thought for the future. O'Mara, yes, he had travelled a bit, almost all over the world - but as a bum40, or eke41 in the army, which was even worse than being a bum. My friend Ulric was the first fellow I had ever met whom I could truly say had travelled. And he knew how to talk about his experiences.
As a result of that chance encounter on the street we met frequently thereafter, for a period of several months. He used to call for me in the evening after dinner and we would stroll through the park which was nearby. What a thirst I had! Every slightest detail about the other world fascinated me. Even now, years and years since, even now, when I know Paris like a book, his picture of Paris is still before my eyes, still vivid, still real. Sometimes after a rain, riding swiftly through the city in a taxi, I catch fleeting42 glimpses of this Paris he described; just momentary43 snatches, as in passing the Tuileries, perhaps, or a glimpse of Montmartre, of the Sacre Coeur, through the Rue44 Laffite, in the last flush of twilight45.Just a Brooklyn boy!That was an expression he used sometimes when he felt ashamed of his inability to express himself more adequately. And I was just a Brooklyn boy, too, which is to say one of the last and the least of men. But as I wander about, rubbing elbows with the world, seldom it happens that I meet any one who can describe so lovingly and faithfully what he has seen and felt. Those nights in Prospect46 Park with my old friend Ulric are responsible, more than anything else, for my being here to-day. Most of the places he described for me I have still to see; some of them I shall perhaps never see. But they live inside me, warm and vivid, just as he created them in our rambles47 through the park.
Interwoven with this talk of the other world was the whole body and texture48 of Lawrence's work. Often, when the park had long been emptied, we were still sitting on a bench discussing the nature of Lawrence's ideas. Looking back on these discussions now I can see how confused I was, how pitifully ignorant of the true meaning of Lawrence's words. Had I really understood, my life could never have taken the course it did. Most of us live the greater part of our lives submerged. Certainly in my own case I can say that not until I left America did I emerge above the surface. Perhaps America had nothing to do with it, but the fact remains49 that I did not open my eyes wide and full and dear until I struck Paris. And perhaps that was only because I had renounced50 America, renounced my past.
My friend Kronski used to twit me about my "euphorias". It was a sly way he had of reminding me, when I was extraordinarily51 gay, that the morrow would find me depressed52. It was true. I had nothing but ups and downs. Long stretches of gloom and melancholy53 followed by extravagant54 bursts of gaiety, of trancelike inspiration. Never a level in which I was myself. It sounds strange to say so, yet I was never myself. I was either anonymous55 or the person called Henry Miller56 raised to the nth degree. In the latter mood, for instance, I could spill out a whole book to Hymie while riding a trolleycar. Hymie, who never suspected me of being anything but a good employment manager. I can see his eyes now as he looked at me one night when I was in one of my states of "euphoria".
We had boarded the trolley57 at the Brooklyn Bridge to go to some flat in Greenpoint where a couple of trollops were waiting to receive us. Hymie had started to talk to me in his usual way about his wife's ovaries. In the first place he didn't know precisely58 what ovaries meant and so I was explaining it to him in crude and simple fashion. In the midst of my explanation it suddenly seemed so profoundly tragic59 and ridiculous that Hymie shouldn't know what ovaries were that I became drunk, as drunk I mean as if I had a quart of whisky under my belt. From the idea of diseased ovaries there germinated60 in one lightning-like flash a sort of tropical growth made up of the most heterogeneous61 assortment62 of odds63 and ends in the midst of which, securely lodged64, tenaciously65 lodged, I might say, were Dante and Shakespeare. At the same instant I also suddenly recalled my whole private train of thought which had begun about the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge and which suddenly the word "ovaries" had broken. I realized that everything Hymie had said up till the word "ovaries", had sieved66 through me like sand. What I had begun, in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge, was what I had begun time and time again in the past, usually when walking to my father's shop, a performance which was repeated day in and day out as if in a trance. What I had begun, in brief, was a book of the hours, of the tedium67 and monotony of my life in the midst of a ferocious68 activity. Not for years had I thought of this book which I used to write every day on my way from Delancey Street to Murray Hill. But going over the bridge the sun setting, the skyscrapers69 gleaming like phosphorescent cadavers70, the remembrance of the past set in ... remembrance of going back and forth71 over the bridge, going to a job which was death, returning to a home which was a morgue, memorizing Faustlooking down into the cemetery72, spitting into the cemetery from the elevated train, the same guard on the platform every morning, an imbecile, the other imbeciles reading their newspapers, new skyscrapers going up, new tombs to work in and die in, the boats passing below, the Fall River Line, the Albany Day Line, why am I going to work, what will I do to-night, the warm cunt beside me and can I work my knuckles73 into her groin, run away and become a cowboy, try Alaska, the gold mines, get off and turn around, don't die yet, wait another day, a stroke of luck, river, end it, down, down, like a corkscrew, head and shoulders in the mud, legs free, fish will come and bite, to-morrow a new life, where, anywhere, why begin again, the same thing everywhere, death, death is the solution, but don't die yet, wait another day, a stroke of luck, a new face, a new friend, millions of chances, you're too young yet, you're melancholy, you don't die yet, wait another day, a stroke of luck, fuck anyway, and so on over the bridge into the glass shed, everybody glued together, worms, ants, crawling out of a dead tree and their thoughts crawling out the same way . . . Maybe, being up high between the two shores, suspended above the traffic, above life and death, on each side the high tombs, tombs blazing with dying sunlight, the river flowing heedlessly, flowing on like time itself, maybe each time I passed up there, something was tugging74 away at me, urging me to take it in, to announce myself, anyway each time I passed on high I was truly alone, and whenever that happened the book commenced to write itself, screaming the things which I never breathed, the thoughts I never uttered, the conversations I never held, the hopes, the dreams, the delusions75 I never admitted. If this then was the true self it was marvellous, and what's more it seemed never to change but always to pick up from the last stop to continue in the same vein76, a vein I had struck when I was a child and went down in the street for the first time alone and there frozen in the dirty ice of the gutter77 lay a dead cat, the first time I had looked at death and grasped it. From that moment I knew what it was to be isolated78: every object, every living thing and every dead thing led its independent existence. My thoughts too led an independent existence. Suddenly, looking at Hymie and thinking of that strange word "ovaries", now stranger than any word in my whole vocabulary, this feeling of icy isolation79 came over me and Hymie sitting beside me was a bull-frog, absolutely a bull-frog and nothing more. I was jumping from the bridge head first, down into the primeval ooze80, the legs dear and waiting for a bite; like that Satan had plunged81 through the heavens, through the solid core of the earth, head down and ramming82 through to the very hub of the earth, the darkest, densest83, hottest pit of hell. I was walking through the Mojave Desert and the man beside me was waiting for nightfall in order to fall on me and slay84 me. I was walking again in Dreamland and a man was walking above me on a tightrope85 and above him a man was sitting in an aeroplane spelling letters of smoke in the sky. The woman hanging on my arm was pregnant and in six or seven years the thing she was carrying inside her would be able to read the letters in the sky and he or she or it would know that it was a cigarette and later would smoke the cigarette, perhaps a package a day. In the womb nails formed on every finger, every toe; you could stop right there, at a toe nail, the tiniest toe nail imaginable and you could break your head over it, trying to figure it out. On one side of the ledger86 are the books man has written, containing such a hodge-podge of wisdom and nonsense, of truth and falsehood, that if one lived to be as old as Methuselah one couldn't disentangle the mess; on the other side of the ledger things like toe nails, hair, teeth, blood,ovaries,if you will, all incalculable and all written in another kind of ink, in another script, an incomprehensible, undecipherable script. The bull-frog eyes were trained on me like two collar buttons stuck in cold fat; they were stuck in the cold sweat of the primeval ooze. Each collar button was an ovary that had come unglued, an illustration out of the dictionary without benefit of lucubration; lacklustre in the cold yellow fat of the eyeball each buttoned ovary produced a subterranean87 chill, the skating rink of hell where men stood upside down in the ice, the legs free and waiting for a bite. Here Dante walked unaccompanied, weighed down by his vision, and through endless circles gradually moving heavenward to be enthroned in his work. Here Shakespeare with smooth brow fell into the bottomless reverie of rage to emerge in elegant quartos and innuendoes88. A glaucous frost of non-comprehension swept dear by gales89 of laughter. From the hub of the bull-frog's eye radiated dean white spokes90 of sheer lucidity91 not to be annotated92 or categorized, not to be numbered or defined, but revolving93 sightless in kaleidoscopic94 change. Hymie the bull-frog was an ovarian spud generated in the high passage between two shores: for him the skyscrapers had been built, the wilderness95 cleared, the Indians massacred, the buffaloes exterminated96; for him the twin dries had been joined by the Brooklyn Bridge, the caissons sunk, the cables strung from tower to tower; for him men sat upside down in the sky writing words in fire and smoke; for him the anaesthetic was invented and the high forceps and the big Bertha which could destroy what the eye could not see; for him the molecule97 was broken down and the atom revealed to be without substance; for him each night the stars were swept with telescopes and worlds coming to birth photographed in the act of gestation98; for him the barriers of time and space were set at nought99 and all movement, be it the flight of birds or the revolution of the planets, expounded100 irrefutably and incontestably by the high priests of the de-possessed cosmos. Then, as in the middle of the bridge, in the middle of a walk, in the middle always, whether of a book, a conversation, or making love, it was borne in on me again that I had never done what I wanted and out of not doing what I wanted to do there grew up inside me this creation which was nothing but an obsessional101 plant, a sort of coral growth, which was expropriating everything, including life itself, until life itself became this which was denied but which constantly asserted itself, making life and killing life at the same time. I could see it going on after death, like hair growing on a corpse102, people saying "death" but the hair still testifying to life, and finally no death but this life of hair and nails, the body gone, the spirit quenched103, but in the death something still alive, expropriating space, causing time, creating endless movement. Through love this night happen, or sorrow, or being born with a dub104 foot; the cause nothing, the event everything. In the beginning was the Word. .. Whatever this was, the Word,disease or creation, it was still running rampant105; it would run on and on, outstrip106 time and space, outlast107 the angels, unseat God, unhook the universe. Any word contained all words - for him who had become detached through love or sorrow or whatever the cause. In every word the current ran back to the beginning which was lost and which would never be found again since there was neither beginning nor end but only that which expressed itself in beginning and end. So, on the ovarian trolley there was this voyage of man and bull-frog composed of identical stuff, neither better nor less than Dante but infinitely108 different, the one not knowing precisely the meaning of anything, the other knowing too precisely the meaning of everything, hence both lost and confused through beginnings and endings, finally to be deposited at Java or India Street, Greenpoint, there to be carried back into the current of life, so-called, by a couple of sawdust moils with twitching109 ovaries of the well-known gastropod variety.
What strikes me now as the most wonderful proof of my fitness, or unfitness, for the times is the fact that nothing people were writing or talking about had any real interest for me. Only the object haunted me, the separate detached, insignificant110 thing.It might be a part of the human body or a staircase in a vaudeville111 house; it might be a smokestack or a button I had found in the gutter. Whatever it was it enabled me to open up, to surrender, to attach my signature. To the life about me, to the people who made up the world I knew, I could not attach my signature. I was as definitely outside their world as a cannibal is outside the bounds of civilized112 society. I was filled with a perverse113 love of the thing-in-itself-not a philosophic114 attachment115, but a passionate116, desperately117 passionate hunger, as if in the discarded, worthless thingwhich everyone ignored there was contained the secret of my own regeneration.

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1
rumble
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| n.隆隆声;吵嚷;v.隆隆响;低沉地说 | |
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ass
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| n.驴;傻瓜,蠢笨的人 | |
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buffaloes
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| n.水牛(分非洲水牛和亚洲水牛两种)( buffalo的名词复数 );(南非或北美的)野牛;威胁;恐吓 | |
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armistice
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| n.休战,停战协定 | |
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enraged
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| 使暴怒( enrage的过去式和过去分词 ); 歜; 激愤 | |
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sergeant
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| n.警官,中士 | |
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bawl
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| v.大喊大叫,大声地喊,咆哮 | |
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civilians
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| 平民,百姓( civilian的名词复数 ); 老百姓 | |
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mule
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| n.骡子,杂种,执拗的人 | |
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trench
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| n./v.(挖)沟,(挖)战壕 | |
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gainsay
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| v.否认,反驳 | |
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killing
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| n.巨额利润;突然赚大钱,发大财 | |
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guts
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| v.狼吞虎咽,贪婪地吃,飞碟游戏(比赛双方每组5人,相距15码,互相掷接飞碟);毁坏(建筑物等)的内部( gut的第三人称单数 );取出…的内脏n.勇气( gut的名词复数 );内脏;消化道的下段;肠 | |
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bloody
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| adj.非常的的;流血的;残忍的;adv.很;vt.血染 | |
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farce
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| n.闹剧,笑剧,滑稽戏;胡闹 | |
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stinking
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| adj.臭的,烂醉的,讨厌的v.散发出恶臭( stink的现在分词 );发臭味;名声臭;糟透 | |
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foaming
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| adj.布满泡沫的;发泡 | |
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regiments
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| (军队的)团( regiment的名词复数 ); 大量的人或物 | |
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trenches
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| 深沟,地沟( trench的名词复数 ); 战壕 | |
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revolved
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| v.(使)旋转( revolve的过去式和过去分词 );细想 | |
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ammunition
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| n.军火,弹药 | |
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perplexed
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| adj.不知所措的 | |
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muddled
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| adj.混乱的;糊涂的;头脑昏昏然的v.弄乱,弄糟( muddle的过去式);使糊涂;对付,混日子 | |
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sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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sullen
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| adj.愠怒的,闷闷不乐的,(天气等)阴沉的 | |
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amazement
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| n.惊奇,惊讶 | |
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spunk
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| n.勇气,胆量 | |
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collaboration
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| n.合作,协作;勾结 | |
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cosmos
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| n.宇宙;秩序,和谐 | |
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bastards
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| 私生子( bastard的名词复数 ); 坏蛋; 讨厌的事物; 麻烦事 (认为别人走运或不幸时说)家伙 | |
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squelched
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| v.发吧唧声,发扑哧声( squelch的过去式和过去分词 );制止;压制;遏制 | |
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humiliated
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| 感到羞愧的 | |
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fettered
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| v.给…上脚镣,束缚( fetter的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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vividly
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| adv.清楚地,鲜明地,生动地 | |
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standing
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| n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地,绝对地 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地,暖昧地 | |
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daze
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| v.(使)茫然,(使)发昏 | |
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miraculous
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| adj.像奇迹一样的,不可思议的 | |
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bum
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| n.臀部;流浪汉,乞丐;vt.乞求,乞讨 | |
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eke
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| v.勉强度日,节约使用 | |
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fleeting
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| adj.短暂的,飞逝的 | |
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momentary
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| adj.片刻的,瞬息的;短暂的 | |
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rue
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| n.懊悔,芸香,后悔;v.后悔,悲伤,懊悔 | |
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45
twilight
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| n.暮光,黄昏;暮年,晚期,衰落时期 | |
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prospect
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| n.前景,前途;景色,视野 | |
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47
rambles
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| (无目的地)漫游( ramble的第三人称单数 ); (喻)漫谈; 扯淡; 长篇大论 | |
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48
texture
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| n.(织物)质地;(材料)构造;结构;肌理 | |
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49
remains
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| n.剩余物,残留物;遗体,遗迹 | |
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50
renounced
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| v.声明放弃( renounce的过去式和过去分词 );宣布放弃;宣布与…决裂;宣布摒弃 | |
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51
extraordinarily
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| adv.格外地;极端地 | |
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52
depressed
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| adj.沮丧的,抑郁的,不景气的,萧条的 | |
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53
melancholy
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| n.忧郁,愁思;adj.令人感伤(沮丧)的,忧郁的 | |
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54
extravagant
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| adj.奢侈的;过分的;(言行等)放肆的 | |
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anonymous
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| adj.无名的;匿名的;无特色的 | |
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56
miller
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| n.磨坊主 | |
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trolley
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| n.手推车,台车;无轨电车;有轨电车 | |
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precisely
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| adv.恰好,正好,精确地,细致地 | |
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59
tragic
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| adj.悲剧的,悲剧性的,悲惨的 | |
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germinated
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| v.(使)发芽( germinate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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heterogeneous
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| adj.庞杂的;异类的 | |
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assortment
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| n.分类,各色俱备之物,聚集 | |
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odds
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| n.让步,机率,可能性,比率;胜败优劣之别 | |
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lodged
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| v.存放( lodge的过去式和过去分词 );暂住;埋入;(权利、权威等)归属 | |
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tenaciously
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| 坚持地 | |
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sieved
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| 筛,漏勺( sieve的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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tedium
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| n.单调;烦闷 | |
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ferocious
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| adj.凶猛的,残暴的,极度的,十分强烈的 | |
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skyscrapers
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| n.摩天大楼 | |
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cadavers
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| n.尸体( cadaver的名词复数 ) | |
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forth
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| adv.向前;向外,往外 | |
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cemetery
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| n.坟墓,墓地,坟场 | |
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knuckles
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| n.(指人)指关节( knuckle的名词复数 );(指动物)膝关节,踝v.(指人)指关节( knuckle的第三人称单数 );(指动物)膝关节,踝 | |
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tugging
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| n.牵引感v.用力拉,使劲拉,猛扯( tug的现在分词 ) | |
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delusions
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| n.欺骗( delusion的名词复数 );谬见;错觉;妄想 | |
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vein
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| n.血管,静脉;叶脉,纹理;情绪;vt.使成脉络 | |
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gutter
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| n.沟,街沟,水槽,檐槽,贫民窟 | |
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isolated
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| adj.与世隔绝的 | |
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isolation
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| n.隔离,孤立,分解,分离 | |
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ooze
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| n.软泥,渗出物;vi.渗出,泄漏;vt.慢慢渗出,流露 | |
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plunged
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| v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 );暴跌;骤降;突降 | |
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ramming
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| n.打结炉底v.夯实(土等)( ram的现在分词 );猛撞;猛压;反复灌输 | |
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densest
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| 密集的( dense的最高级 ); 密度大的; 愚笨的; (信息量大得)难理解的 | |
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slay
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| v.杀死,宰杀,杀戮 | |
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tightrope
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| n.绷紧的绳索或钢丝 | |
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ledger
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| n.总帐,分类帐;帐簿 | |
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subterranean
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| adj.地下的,地表下的 | |
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innuendoes
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| n.影射的话( innuendo的名词复数 );讽刺的话;含沙射影;暗讽 | |
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gales
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| 龙猫 | |
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spokes
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| n.(车轮的)辐条( spoke的名词复数 );轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 | |
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lucidity
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| n.明朗,清晰,透明 | |
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annotated
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| v.注解,注释( annotate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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revolving
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| adj.旋转的,轮转式的;循环的v.(使)旋转( revolve的现在分词 );细想 | |
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kaleidoscopic
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| adj.千变万化的 | |
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wilderness
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| n.杳无人烟的一片陆地、水等,荒漠 | |
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exterminated
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| v.消灭,根绝( exterminate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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molecule
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| n.分子,克分子 | |
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gestation
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| n.怀孕;酝酿 | |
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nought
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| n./adj.无,零 | |
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expounded
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| 论述,详细讲解( expound的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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obsessional
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| adj.摆脱不了的 | |
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corpse
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| n.尸体,死尸 | |
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103
quenched
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| 解(渴)( quench的过去式和过去分词 ); 终止(某事物); (用水)扑灭(火焰等); 将(热物体)放入水中急速冷却 | |
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dub
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| vt.(以某种称号)授予,给...起绰号,复制 | |
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rampant
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| adj.(植物)蔓生的;狂暴的,无约束的 | |
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outstrip
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| v.超过,跑过 | |
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outlast
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| v.较…耐久 | |
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infinitely
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| adv.无限地,无穷地 | |
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twitching
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| n.颤搐 | |
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insignificant
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| adj.无关紧要的,可忽略的,无意义的 | |
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vaudeville
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| n.歌舞杂耍表演 | |
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civilized
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| a.有教养的,文雅的 | |
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perverse
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| adj.刚愎的;坚持错误的,行为反常的 | |
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philosophic
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| adj.哲学的,贤明的 | |
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attachment
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| n.附属物,附件;依恋;依附 | |
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passionate
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| adj.热情的,热烈的,激昂的,易动情的,易怒的,性情暴躁的 | |
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desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地,绝望地,孤注一掷地 | |
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