Preface
I FELT LIKE I WAS TRAPPED IN ONE OF THOSE TERRIFYING nightmares, the one where youhave to run, run till your lungs burst, but you can't make your body move fast enough. My legs seemed tomove slower and slower as I fought my way through the callous crowd, but the hands on the huge clocktower didn't slow. With relentless, uncaring force, they turned inexorably toward the end—the end ofeverything.
　　But this was no dream, and, unlike the nightmare, I wasn't running for my life; I was racing to savesomething infinitely more precious. My own life meant little to me today.
　　Alice had said there was a good chance we would both die here. Perhaps the outcome would bedifferent if she weren't trapped by the brilliant sunlight; only I was free to run across this bright, crowdedsquare.
　　And I couldn't run fast enough.
　　So it didn't matter to me that we were surrounded by our extraordinarily dangerous enemies. As theclock began to toll out the hour, vibrating under the soles of my sluggish feet, I knew I was too late—andI was glad something bloodthirsty waited in the wings. For in failing at this, I forfeited any desire to live.
　　The clock tolled again, and the sun beat down from the exact center point of the sky.
Chapter 1 Party
I WAS NINETY-NINE POINT NINE PERCENT SURE I WAS dreaming.
　　The reasons I was so certain were that, first, I was standing in a bright shaft of sunlight—the kind ofblinding clear sun that never shone on my drizzly new hometown in Forks, Washington—and second, Iwas looking at my Grandma Marie. Gran had been dead for six years now, so that was solid evidencetoward the dream theory.
　　Gran hadn't changed much; her face looked just the same as I remembered it. The skin was soft andwithered, bent into a thousand tiny creases that clung gently to the bone underneath. Like a dried apricot,but with a puff of thick white hair standing out in a cloud around it.
　　Our mouths—hers a wizened picker—spread into the same surprised half-smile at just the same time.
　　Apparently, she hadn't been expecting to see me, either.
　　I was about to ask her a question; I had so many—What was she doing here in my cream? What had she been up to in the past six years? Was Pop okay, and had they found each other, wherever theywere?—but she opened her mouth when I did, so I stopped to let her go first. She paused, too, and thenwe Goth smiled at the little awkwardness.
　　"Bella!"It wasn't Gran who called my name, and we both turned to see the addition to our small reunion. I didn'thave to look to know who it was; this was a voice I would know anywhere—know, and respond to,whether I was awake or asleep… or even dead, I'd bet. The voice I'd walk through fire for—or, lessdramatically, slosh every day through the cold and endless rain for.
　　Edward.
　　Even though I was always thrilled to see him—conscious or otherwise—and even though I was almostpositive that I was dreaming, I panicked as Edward walked toward us through the glaring sunlight.
　　I panicked because Gran didn't know that I was in love with a vampire—nobody knew that—so howwas I supposed to explain the fact that the brilliant sunbeams were shattering off his skin into a thousandrainbow shards like he was made of crystal or diamond?
　　Well, Gran, yon might have noticed that my boyfriend glitters. It's just something he does in thesun. Don't worry about it…What was he doing? The whole reason he lived in Forks, the rainiest place in the world, was so that hecould be outside in the daytime without exposing his family's secret. Yet here he was, strolling gracefullytoward me—with the most beautiful smile on his angel's face—as if I were the only one here.
　　In that second, I wished that I was not the one exception to his mysterious talent; I usually felt gratefulthat I was the only person whose thoughts he couldn't hear just as clearly as if they were spoken aloud.
　　But now I wished he could hear me, too, so that he could hear the warning I was screaming in my head.
　　I shot a panicked glance back at Gran, and saw that it was too late. She was just turning to stare back atme, her eyes as alarmed as mine.
　　Edward—still smiling so beautifully that my heart felt like it was going to swell up and burst through mychest—put his arm around my shoulder and turned to face my grandmother.
　　Gran's expression surprised me. Instead of looking horrified, she was staring at me sheepishly, as ifwaiting for a scolding. And she was standing in such a strange position—one arm held awkwardly awayfrom her body, stretched out and then curled around the air. Like she had her arm around someone Icouldn't see, someone invisible…Only then, as I looked at the bigger picture, did I notice the huge gilt frame that enclosed mygrandmother's form. Uncomprehending, I raised the hand that wasn't wrapped around Edward's waistand reached out to touch her. She mimicked the movement exactly, mirrored it. But where our fingersshould have met, there was nothing but cold glass…With a dizzying jolt, my dream abruptly became a nightmare.
　　There was no Gran.
　　That was me. Me in a mirror. Me—ancient, creased, and withered.
　　Edward stood beside me, casting no reflection, excruciatingly lovely and forever seventeen.
　　 He pressed his icy, perfect lips against my wasted cheek.
　　"Happy birthday," he whispered.
　　I woke with a start—my eyelids popping open wide—and gasped. Dull gray light, the familiar light of anovercast morning, took the place of the blinding sun in my dream.
　　Just a dream, I told myself. It was only a dream. I took a deep breath, and then jumped again whenmy alarm went off. The little calendar in the corner of the clock's display informed me that today wasSeptember thirteenth.
　　Only a dream, but prophetic enough in one way, at least. Today was my birthday. I was officiallyeighteen years old.
　　I'd been dreading this day for months.
　　All through the perfect summer—the happiest summer I had ever had, the happiest summer anyoneanywhere had ever had, and the rainiest summer in the history of the Olympic Peninsula—this bleak datehad lurked in ambush, waiting to spring.
　　And now that it had hit, it was even worse than I'd feared it would be. I could feel it—I was older. Everyday I got older, but this was different, worse, quantifiable. I was eighteen.
　　And Edward never would be.
　　When I went to brush my teeth, I was almost surprised that the face in the mirror hadn't changed. I staredat myself, looking for some sign of impending wrinkles in my ivory skin. The only creases were the oneson my forehead, though, and I knew that if I could manage to relax, they would disappear. I couldn't. Myeyebrows stayed lodged in a worried line over my anxious brown eyes.
　　It was just a dream, I reminded myself again. Just a dream… but also my worst nightmare.
　　I skipped breakfast, in a hurry to get out of the house as quickly as possible. I wasn't entirely able toavoid my dad, and so I had to spend a few minutes acting cheerful. I honestly tried to be excited aboutthe gifts I'd asked him not to get me, but every time I had to smile, it felt like I might start crying.
　　I struggled to get a grip on myself as I drove to school. The vision of Gran—I would not think of it asme—was hard to get out of my head. I couldn't feel anything but despair until I pulled into the familiarparking lot behind Forks High School and spotted Edward leaning motionlessly against his polished silverVolvo, like a marble tribute to some forgotten pagan god of beauty. The dream had not done him justice.
　　And he was waiting there for me, just the same as every other day.
　　Despair momentarily vanished; wonder took its place. Even after half a year with him, I still couldn'tbelieve that I deserved this degree of good fortune.
　　His sister Alice was standing by his side, waiting for me, too.
　　Of course Edward and Alice weren't really related (in Forks the story was that all the Cullen siblingswere adopted by Dr. Carlisle Culler and his wife, Esme, both plainly too young to have teenage children),but their skin was precisely the same pale shade, their eyes had the same strange golden tint, with thesame deep, bruise-like shadows beneath them. Her face, like his, was also startlingly beautiful. Tosomeone in the know—someone like me—these similarities marked them for what they were.
　　 The sight of Alice waiting there—her tawny eyes brilliant with excitement, and a small silver-wrappedsquare in her hands—made me frown. I'd told Alice I didn't want anything, anything, not gifts or evenattention, for my birthday. Obviously, my wishes were being ignored.
　　I slammed the door of my '53 Chevy truck—a shower of rust specks fluttered down to the wetblacktop—and walked slowly toward where they waited. Alice skipped forward to meet me, her pixieface glowing under her spiky black hair.
　　"Happy birthday, Bella!""Shh!" I hissed, glancing around the lot to make sure no one had heard her. The last thing I wanted wassome kind of celebration of the black event.
　　She ignored me. "Do you want to open your present now or later?" she asked eagerly as we made ourway to where Edward still waited.
　　"No presents," I protested in a mumble.
　　She finally seemed to process my mood. "Okay… later, then. Did you like the scrapbook your mom sentyou? And the camera from Charlie?"I sighed. Of course she would know what my birthday presents were. Edward wasn't the only memberof his family with unusual skills. Alice would have "seen" what my parents were planning as soon as they'ddecided that themselves.
　　"Yeah. They're great.""I think it's a nice idea. You're only a senior once. Might as well document the experience.""How many times have you been a senior?""That's different."We reached Edward then, and he held out his hand for mine. I took it eagerly, forgetting, for a moment,my glum mood. His skin was, as always, smooth, hard, and very cold. He gave my fingers a gentlesqueeze. I looked into his liquid topa2 eyes, and my heart gave a not-quite-so-gentle squeeze of its own.
　　Hearing the stutter in my heartbeats, he smiled again.
　　He lifted his free hand and traced one cool fingertip around the outside of my lips as he spoke. "So, asdiscussed, I am not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?""Yes. That is correct." I could never quite mimic the flow of his perfect, formal articulation. It wassomething that could only be picked up in an earlier century.
　　"Just checking." He ran his hand through his tousled bronze hair. "You might have changed your mind.
　　Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts."Alice laughed, and the sound was all silver, a wind chime. "Of course you'll enjoy it. Everyone issupposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What's the worst that could happen?"She meant it as a rhetorical question.
　　"Getting older," I answered anyway, and my voice was not as steady as I wanted it to be.
　　Beside me, Edward's smile tightened into a hard line.
　　 "Eighteen isn't very old," Alice said. "Don't women usually wait till they're twenty-nine to get upset overbirthdays?""It's older than Edward," I mumbled.
　　He sighed.
　　"Technically," she said, keeping her tone light. "Just by one little year, though."And I supposed… if I could be sure of the future I wanted, sure that I would get to spend forever withEdward, and Alice and the rest of the Cullens (preferably not as a wrinkled little old lady)… then a yearor two one direction or the other wouldn't matter to me so much. But Edward was dead set against anyfuture that changed me. Any future that made me like him—that made me immortal, too.
　　An impasse, he called it.
　　I couldn't really see Edward's point, to be honest. What was so great about mortality? Being a vampiredidn't look like such a terrible thing—not the way the Cullens did it, anyway.
　　"What time will you be at the house?" Alice continued, changing the subject. From her expression, shewas up to exactly the kind of thing I'd been hoping to avoid.
　　"I didn't know I had plans to be there.""Oh, be fair, Bella!" she complained. "You aren't going to ruin all our fun like that, are you?""I thought my birthday was about what I want.""I'll get her from Charlie's right after school," Edward told her, ignoring me altogether.
　　"I have to work," I protested.
　　"You don't, actually," Alice told me smugly. "I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She's trading yourshifts. She said to tell you 'Happy Birthday.'""I—I still can't come over," I stammered, scrambling for an excuse. "I, well, I haven't watched Romeoand Juliet yet for English."Alice snorted. "You have Romeo and Juliet memorized.""But Mr. Berty said we needed to see it performed to fully appreciate it—that's how Shakespeareintended it to be presented."Edward rolled his eyes.
　　"You've already seen the movie," Alice accused.
　　"But not the nineteen-sixties version. Mr. Berty said it was the best."Finally, Alice lost the smug smile and glared at me. "This can be easy, or this can be hard, Bella, but oneway or the other—"Edward interrupted her threat. "Relax, Alice. If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can. It's herbirthday.""So there," I added.
　　 "I'll bring her over around seven," he continued. "That will give you more time to set up."Alice's laughter chimed again. "Sounds good. See you tonight, Bella! It'll be fun, you'll see." Shegrinned—the wide smile exposed all her perfect, glistening teeth—then pecked me on the cheek anddanced off toward her first class before I could respond.
　　"Edward, please—" I started to beg, but he pressed one cool finger to my lips.
　　"Let's discuss it later. We're going to be late for class."No one bothered to stare at us as we took our usual seats in the back of the classroom (we had almostevery class together now—it was amazing the favors Edward could get the female administrators to dofor him). Edward and I had been together too long now to be an object of gossip anymore. Even MikeNewton didn't bother to give me the glum stare that used to make me feel a little guilty. He smiled nowinstead, and I was glad he seemed to have accepted that we could only be friends. Mike had changedover the summer—his face had lost some of the roundness, making his cheekbones more prominent, andhe was wearing his pale blond hair a new way; instead of bristly, it was longer and gelled into a carefullycasual disarray. It was easy to see where his inspiration came from—but Edward's look wasn'tsomething that could be achieved through imitation.
　　As the day progressed, I considered ways to get out of whatever was going down at the Cullen housetonight. It would be bad enough to have to celebrate when I was in the mood to mourn. But, worse thanthat, this was sure to involve attention and gifts.
　　Attention is never a good thing, as any other accident-prone klutz would agree. No one wants a spotlightwhen they're likely to fall on their face.
　　And I'd very pointedly asked—well, ordered really—that no one give me any presents this year. Itlooked like Charlie and Renee weren't the only ones who had decided to overlook that.
　　I'd never had much money, and that had never bothered me. Renee had raised me on a kindergartenteacher's salary. Charlie wasn't getting rich at his job, either—he was the police chief here in the tiny townof Forks. My only personal income came from the three days a week I worked at the local sportinggoods store. In a town this small, I was lucky to have a job. Every penny I made went into mymicroscopic college fund. (College was Plan B. I was still hoping for Plan A, but Edward was just sostubborn about leaving me human…)Edward had a lot of money—I didn't even want to think about how much. Money meant next to nothingto Edward or the rest of the Cullens. It was just something that accumulated when you had unlimited timeon your hands and a sister who had an uncanny ability to predict trends in the stock market. Edwarddidn't seem to understand why I objected to him spending money on me—why it made meuncomfortable if he took me to an expensive restaurant in Seattle, why he wasn't allowed to buy me a carthat could reach speeds over fifty-five miles an hour, or why I wouldn't let him pay my college tuition (hewas ridiculously enthusiastic about Plan B). Edward thought I was being unnecessarily difficult.
　　But how could I let him give me things when I had nothing to reciprocate with? He, for someunfathomable reason, wanted to be with me. Anything he gave me on top of that just threw us more outof balance.
　　As the day went on, neither Edward nor Alice brought my birthday up again, and I began to relax a little.
　　We sat at our usual table for lunch.
　　 A strange kind of truce existed at that table. The three of us—Edward, Alice, and I—sat on the extremesouthern end of the table. Now that the "older" and somewhat scarier (in Emmett's case, certainly) Cullensiblings had graduated, Alice and Edward did not seem quite so intimidating, and we did not sit herealone. My other friends, Mike and Jessica (who were in the awkward post-breakup friendship phase),Angela and Ben (whose relationship had survived the summer), Eric, Conner, Tyler, and Lauren (thoughthat last one didn't really count in the friend category) all sat at the same table, on the other side of aninvisible line. That line dissolved on sunny days when Edward and Alice always skipped school, and thenthe conversation would swell out effortlessly to include me.
　　Edward and Alice didn't find this minor ostracism odd or hurtful the way I would have. They barelynoticed it. People always felt strangely ill at ease with the Cullens, almost afraid for some reason theycouldn't explain to themselves. I was a rare exception to that rule. Sometimes it bothered Edward howvery comfortable I was with being close to him. He thought he was hazardous to my health—an opinion Irejected vehemently whenever he voiced it.
　　The afternoon passed quickly. School ended, and Edward walked me to my truck as he usually did. Butthis time, he held the passenger door open for me. Alice must have been taking his car home so that hecould keep me from making a run for it.
　　I folded my arms and made no move to get out of the rain. "It's my birthday, don't I get to drive?""I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished.""If it's not my birthday, then I don't have to go to your house tonight…""All right." He shut the passenger door and walked past me to open the driver's side. "Happy birthday.""Shh," I shushed him halfheartedly. I climbed in the opened door, wishing he'd taken the other offer.
　　Edward played with the radio while I drove, shaking his head in disapproval.
　　"Your radio has horrible reception."I frowned. I didn't like it when he picked on my truck. The truck was great—it had personality.
　　"You want a nice stereo? Drive your own car." I was so nervous about Alice's plans, on top of myalready gloomy mood, that the words came out sharper than I'd meant them. I was hardly everbad-tempered with Edward, and my tone made him press his lips together to keep from smiling.
　　When I parked in front of Charlie's house, he reached over to take my face in his hands. He handled mevery carefully, pressing just the tips of his fingers softly against my temples, my cheekbones, my jawline.
　　Like I was especially breakable. Which was exactly the case—compared with him, at least.
　　"You should be in a good mood, today of all days," he whispered. His sweet breath fanned across myface.
　　"And if I don't want to be in a good mood?" I asked, my breathing uneven.
　　His golden eyes smoldered. "Too bad."My head was already spinning by the time he leaned closer and pressed his icy lips against mine. As heintended, no doubt, I forgot all about my worries, and concentrated on remembering how to inhale andexhale.
　　 His mouth lingered on mine, cold and smooth and gentle, until I wrapped my arms around his neck andthrew myself into the kiss with a little too much enthusiasm. I could feel his lips curve upward as he let goof my face and reached back to unlock my grip on him.
　　Edward had drawn many careful lines for our physical relationship, with the intent being to keep me alive.
　　Though I respected the need for maintaining a safe distance between my skin and his razor-sharp,venom-coated teeth, I tended to forget about trivial things like that when he was kissing me.
　　"Be good, please," he breathed against my cheek. He pressed his lips gently to mine one more time andthen pulled away, folding my arms across my stomach.
　　My pulse was thudding in my ears. I put one hand over my heart. It drummed hyperactively under mypalm.
　　"Do you think I'll ever get better at this?" I wondered, mostly to myself. "That my heart might somedaystop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?""I really hope not," he said, a bit smug.
　　I rolled my eyes. "Let's go watch the Capulets and Montagues hack each other up, all right?""Your wish, my command."Edward sprawled across the couch while I started the movie, fast-forwarding through the openingcredits.
　　When I perched on the edge of the sofa in front of him, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulledme against his chest. It wasn't exactly as comfortable as a sofa cushion would be, what with his chestbeing hard and cold—and perfect—as an ice sculpture, but it was definitely preferable. He pulled the oldafghan off the back of the couch and draped it over me so I wouldn't freeze beside his body.
　　"You know, I've never had much patience with Romeo," he commented as the movie started.
　　"What's wrong with Romeo?" I asked, a little offended. Romeo was one of my favorite fictionalcharacters. Until I'd met Edward, I'd sort of had a thing for him.
　　"Well, first of all, he's in love with this Rosaline—don't you think it makes him seem a little fickle? Andthen, a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliet's cousin. That's not very brilliant. Mistake aftermistake. Could he have destroyed his own happiness any more thoroughly?"I sighed. "Do you want me to watch this alone?""No, I'll mostly be watching you, anyway." His fingers traced patterns across the skin of my arm, raisinggoose bumps. "Will you cry?""Probably," I admitted, "if I'm paying attention.""I won't distract you then." But I felt his lips on my hair, and it was very distracting.
　　The movie eventually captured my interest, thanks in large part to Edward whispering Romeo's lines inmy ear—his irresistible, velvet voice made the actor's voice sound weak and coarse by comparison. AndI did cry, to his amusement, when Juliet woke and found her new husband dead.
　　"I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here," Edward said, drying the tears with a lock of my hair.
　　 "She's very pretty."He made a disgusted sound. "I don't envy him the girl—just the ease of the suicide," he clarified in ateasing tone. "You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plantextracts…""What?" I gasped.
　　"It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't besimple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning… after he realizedwhat he'd become…" His voice, which had grown serious, turned light again. "And he's clearly still inexcellent health."I twisted around so that I could read his face. "What are you talking about?" I demanded. "What do youmean, this something you had to think about once?""Last spring, when you were… nearly killed…" He paused to take a deep breath, snuggling to return tohis teasing tone. "Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was makingcontingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human."For one second, the memory of my last trip to Phoenix washed through my head and made me feel dizzy.
　　I could see it all so clearly—the blinding sun, the heat waves coming off the concrete as I ran withdesperate haste to find the sadistic vampire who wanted to torture me to death. James, waiting in themirrored room with my mother as his hostage—or so I'd thought. I hadn't known it was all a ruse. Just asJames hadn't known that Edward was racing to save me; Edward made it in time, but it had been a closeone. Unthinkingly, my fingers traced the crescent-shaped scar on my hand that was always just a fewdegrees cooler than the rest of my skin.
　　I shook my head—as if I could shake away the bad memories—and tried to grasp what Edward meant.
　　My stomach plunged uncomfortably. "Contingency plans?" I repeated.
　　"Well, I wasn't going to live without you." He rolled his eyes as if that fact were childishly obvious. "But Iwasn't sure how to do it—I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help… so I was thinking maybe Iwould go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi."I didn't want to believe he was serious, but his golden eyes were brooding, focused on something faraway in the distance as he contemplated ways to end his own life. Abruptly, I was furious.
　　"What is a Volturi?" I demanded.
　　"The Volturi are a family," he explained, his eyes still remote. "A very old, very powerful family of ourkind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose. Carlisle lived with them brieflyin his early years, in Italy, before he settled in America—do you remember the story?""Of course I remember."I would never forget the first time I'd gone to his home, the huge white mansion buried deep in the forestbeside the river, or the room where Carlisle—Edward's father in so many real ways—kept a wall ofpaintings that illustrated his personal history. The most vivid, most wildly colorful canvas there, the largest,was from Carlisle's time in Italy. Of course I remembered the calm quartet of men, each with theexquisite face of a seraph, painted into the highest balcony overlooking the swirling mayhem of color.
　　Though the painting was centuries old, Carlisle—the blond angel—remained unchanged. And Iremembered the three others, Carlisle's early acquaintances. Edward had never used the name Volturi for the beautiful trio, two black-haired, one snow white. He'd called them Aro, Caius, and Marcus,nighttime patrons of the arts…"Anyway, you don't irritate the Volturi," Edward went on, interrupting ray reverie. "Not unless you wantto die—or whatever it is we do." His voice was so calm, it made him sound almost bored by theprospect.
　　My anger turned to horror. I took his marble face between my hands and held it very tightly.
　　"You must never, never, never think of anything like that again!" I said. "No matter what might everhappen to me, you are not allowed to hurt yourself!""I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point.""Put me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault?" I was getting angrier.
　　"How dare you even think like that?" The idea of Edward ceasing to exist, even if I were dead, wasimpossiblypainful.
　　"What would you do, if the situation were reversed?" he asked.
　　"That's not the same thing."He didn't seem to understand the difference. He chuckled.
　　"What if something did happen to you?" I blanched at the thought. "Would you want me to go offmyself?"A trace of pain touched his perfect features.
　　"I guess I see your point… a little," he admitted. "But what would I do without you?""Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence."He sighed. "You make that sound so easy.""It should be. I'm not really that interesting."He was about to argue, but then he let it go. "Moot point," he reminded me. Abruptly, he pulled himselfup into a more formal posture, shifting me to the side so that we were no longer touching.
　　"Charlie?" I guessed.
　　Edward smiled. After a moment, I heard the sound of the police cruiser pulling into the driveway. Ireached out and took his hand firmly. My dad could deal with that much.
　　Charlie came in with a pizza box in his hands.
　　"Hey, kids." He grinned at me. "I thought you'd like a break from cooking and washing dishes for yourbirthday. Hungry?""Sure. Thanks, Dad."Charlie didn't comment on Edward's apparent lack of appetite. He was used to Edward passing ondinner.
　　"Do you mind if I borrow Bella for the evening?" Edward asked when Charlie and I were done.
　　 I looked at Charlie hopefully. Maybe he had some concept of birthdays as stay-at-home, familyaffairs—this was my first birthday with him, the first birthday since my mom, Renee, had remarried andgone to live in Florida, so I didn't know what he would expect.
　　"That's fine—the Mariners are playing the Sox tonight," Charlie explained, and my hope disappeared.
　　"So I won't be any kind of company… Here." He scooped up the camera he'd gotten me on Renee'ssuggestion (because I would need pictures to fill up my scrap-book), and threw it to me.
　　He ought to know better than that—I'd always been coordinationally challenged. The camera glanced offthe tip of my finger, and tumbled toward the floor. Edward snagged it before it could crash onto thelinoleum.
　　"Nice save," Charlie noted. "If they're doing something fun at the Cullens' tonight, Bella, you should takesome pictures. You know how your mother gets—she'll be wanting to see the pictures faster than youcan take them.""Good idea, Charlie," Edward said, handing me the camera.
　　I turned the camera on Edward, and snapped the first picture. "It works.""That's good. Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn't been over in a while." Charlie's mouth pulled downat one corner.
　　"It's been three days, Dad," I reminded him. Charlie was crazy about Alice. He'd become attached lastspring when she'd helped me through my awkward convalescence; Charlie would be fore'ter grateful toher for saving him from the horror of an almost-adult daughter who needed help showering. "I'll tell her.""Okay. You kids have fun tonight." It was clearly a dismissal. Charlie was already edging toward theliving room and the TV.
　　Edward smiled, triumphant, and took my hand to pull me from the kitchen.
　　When we got to the truck, he opened the passenger door for me again, and this time I didn't argue. I stillhad a hard time finding the obscure turnoff to his house in the dark.
　　Edward drove north through Forks, visibly chafing at the speed limit enforced by my prehistoric Chevy.
　　The engine groaned even louder than usual as he pushed it over fifty.
　　"Take it easy," I warned him.
　　"You know what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power…""There's nothing wrong with my truck. And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what'sgood for you, you didn't spend any money on birthday presents.""Not a dime," he said virtuously.
　　"Good.""Can you do me a favor?""That depends on what it is."He sighed, his lovely face serious. "Bella, the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. Cut usa little slack, and don't be too difficult tonight. They're all very excited." It always startled me a little when he brought up things like that. "Fine, I'll behave.""I probably should warn you…""Please do.""When I say they're all excited… I do mean all of them.""Everyone?" I choked. "I thought Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa." The rest of Forks was under theimpression that the older Cullens had gone off to college this year, to Dartmouth, but I knew better.
　　"Emmett wanted to be here.""But… Rosalie?""I know, Bella. Don't worry, she'll be on her best behavior."I didn't answer. Like I could just not worry, that easy. Unlike Alice, Edward's other "adopted" sister, thegolden blond and exquisite Rosalie, didn't like me much. Actually, the feeling was a little bit stronger thanjust dislike. As far as Rosalie was concerned, I was an unwelcome intruder into her family's secret life.
　　I felt horribly guilty about the present situation, guessing that Rosalie and Emmett's prolonged absencewas my fault, even as I furtively enjoyed not having to see her Emmett, Edward's playful bear of abrother, I did miss. He was in many ways just like the big brother I'd always wanted… only much, muchmore terrifying.
　　Edward decided to change the subject. "So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything thatyou'd like for your birthday?"The words came out in a whisper. "You know what I want."A deep frown carved creases into his marble forehead. He obviously wished he'd stuck to the subject ofRosalie.
　　It felt like we'd had this argument a lot today.
　　"Not tonight, Bella. Please.""Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want."Edward growled—a deep, menacing sound. "This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella," he vowed.
　　"That's not fair!"I thought I heard his teeth clench together.
　　We were pulling up to the house now. Bright light shined from every window on the first two floors. Along line of glowing Japanese lanterns hung from the porch eaves, reflecting a soft radiance on the hugecedars that surrounded the house. Big bowls of flowers—pink roses—lined the wide stairs up to thefront doors.
　　I moaned.
　　Edward took a few deep breaths to calm himself. "This is a party," he reminded me. "Try to be a goodsport." "Sure," I muttered.
　　He came around to get my door, and offered me his hand.
　　"I have a question."He waited warily.
　　"If I develop this film," I said, toying with the camera in my hands, "will you show up in the picture?"Edward started laughing. He helped me out of the car, pulled me up the stairs, and was still laughing as heopened the door for me.
　　They were all waiting in the huge white living room; when I walked through the door, they greeted mewith a loud chorus of "Happy birthday, Bella!" while I blushed and looked down. Alice, I assumed, hadcovered every flat surface with pink candles and dozens of crystal bowls filled with hundreds of roses.
　　There was a table with a white cloth draped over it next to Edward's grand piano, holding a pink birthdaycake, more roses, a stack of glass plates, and a small pile of silver-wrapped presents.
　　It was a hundred times worse than I'd imagined.
　　Edward, sensing my distress, wrapped an encouraging arm around my waist and kissed the top of myhead.
　　Edward's parents, Carlisle and Esme—impossibly youthful and lovely as ever—were the closest to thedoor. Esme hugged me carefully, her soft, caramel-colored hair brushing against my cheek as she kissedmy forehead, and then Carlisle put his arm around my shoulders.
　　"Sorry about this, Bella," he stage-whispered. "We couldn't rein Alice in."Rosalie and Emmett stood behind them. Rosalie didn't smile, but at least she didn't glare. Emmett's facewas stretched into a huge grin. It had been months since I'd seen them; I'd forgotten how gloriouslybeautiful Rosalie was—it almost hurt to look at her. And had Emmett always been so… big?
　　"You haven't changed at all," Emmett said with mock disappointment. "I expected a perceptibledifference, but here you are, red-faced just like always.""Thanks a lot, Emmett," I said, blushing deeper.
　　He laughed, "I have to step out for a second"—he paused to wink conspicuously at Alice—"Don't doanything funny while I'm gone.""I'lltry."Alice let go of Jasper's hand and skipped forward, all her teeth sparkling in the bright light. Jasper smiled,too, but kept his distance. He leaned, long and blond, against the post at the foot of the stairs. During thedays we'd had to spend cooped up together in Phoenix, I'd thought he'd gotten over his aversion to me.
　　But he'd gone back to exactly how he'd acted before—avoiding me as much as possible—the momenthe was free from that temporary obligation to protect me. I knew it wasn't personal, just a precaution,and I tried not to be overly sensitive about it. Jasper had more trouble sticking to the Cullens' diet thanthe rest of them; the scent of human blood was much harder for him to resist than the others—he hadn'tbeen trying as long.
　　"Time to open presents," Alice declared. She put her cool hand under my elbow and towed me to the table with the cake and the shiny packages.
　　I put on my best martyr face. "Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything—""But I didn't listen," she interrupted, smug. "Open it." She took the camera from my hands and replaced itwith a big, square silver box.
　　The box was so light that it felt empty. The tag on top said that it was from Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper.
　　Selfconsciously, I tore the paper off and then stared at the box it concealed.
　　It was something electrical, with lots of numbers in the name. I opened the box, hoping for furtherillumination. But the box was empty.
　　"Um… thanks."Rosalie actually cracked a smile. Jasper laughed. "It's a stereo for your truck," he explained. "Emmett'sinstalling it right now so that you can't return it."Alice was always one step ahead of me. "Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie," I told them, grinning as I rememberedEdward's complaints about my radio this afternoon—all a setup, apparently. "Thanks, Emmett!" I calledmore loudly.
　　I heard his booming laugh from my truck, and I couldn't help laughing, too.
　　"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice said, so excited her voice was a high-pitched trill. She held asmall, flat square in her hand.
　　I turned to give Edward a basilisk glare. "You promised."Before he could answer, Emmett bounded through the door. "Just in time!" he crowed. He pushed inbehind Jasper, who had also drifted closer than usual to get a good look.
　　"I didn't spend a dime," Edward assured me. He brushed a strand of hair from my face, leaving my skintingling from his touch.
　　I inhaled deeply and turned to Alice. "Give it to me," I sighed.
　　Emmett chuckled with delight.
　　I took the little package, rolling my eyes at Edward while I stuck my finger under the edge of the paperand jerked it under the tape.
　　"Shoot," I muttered when the paper sliced my finger; I pulled it out to examine the damage. A single dropof blood oozed from the tiny cut.
　　It all happened very quickly then.
　　"No!" Edward roared.
　　He threw himself at me, flinging me back across the table. It fell, as I did, scattering the cake and thepresents, the flowers and the plates. I landed in the mess of shattered crystal.
　　Jasper slammed into Edward, and the sound was like the crash of boulders in a rock slide.
　　There was another noise, a grisly snarling that seemed to be coming from deep in Jasper's chest. Jasper tried to shove past Edward, snapping his teeth just inches from Edward's face.
　　Emmett grabbed Jasper from behind in the next second, locking him into his massive steel grip, butJasper struggled on, his wild, empty eyes focused only on me.
　　Beyond the shock, there was also pain. I'd tumbled down to the floor by the piano, with my arms thrownout instinctively to catch my fall, into the jagged shards of glass. Only now did I feel the searing, stingingpain that ran from my wrist to the crease inside my elbow.
　　Dazed and disoriented, I looked up from the bright red blood pulsing out of my arm—into the feveredeyes of the six suddenly ravenous vampires.　　1． 派对
　　我百分之九十九点九地确定我是在做梦。
　　我之所以如此确信的理由是：第一，我正站在一束明亮的阳光下——那种令人目眩的，明净的太阳从未照耀在我的新家乡——华盛顿州的福克斯镇上，这里常年笼罩在如烟似雾的绵绵细雨之中；第二，我正注视着玛丽祖母，奶奶至今去世已经有六年多了，因此，这一确凿的证据足以证明我是在做梦。
　　奶奶没有发生很大的变化；她的脸庞还是我记忆中的模样。她的皮肤柔软而松弛，形成一道道弯弯曲曲的小的细纹，轻轻地依附在骨骼上；她像一棵干瘪的杏树，只不过她头上还顶着一团蓬松浓密的白发，像云朵一样盘旋在她的周围，漂浮在空中。
　　我们的嘴唇——她的嘴巴干瘪，嘴角布满褶皱——就在同一时间向两边咧开，露出同样惊讶的半个笑容。显而易见，她也没料到会见到我。
　　我正准备问她问题；我有好多问题想要问奶奶——她在我的梦里做什么？她过去六年过得怎么样？爷爷还好吗？无论他们在哪里，他们找到彼此了吗？——但是，她在我开口的时候也张开了嘴巴，所以我停了下来，让她先说。奶奶也停顿了一下，接着，我们俩都感到有些笨拙，笑了起来。
　　"是贝拉吗？"
　　不过不是奶奶在叫我，我们俩都转过身来看着加入到我们两个人的小团聚中的那个人。我没必要看就知道是谁；不管在哪里我都能认出这个声音——它是那么熟悉，无论是在我清醒的时候，还是在睡梦中，…… 我敢打赌,就算我死了,我都能感应到它的存在。这个声音是我宁愿穿越火海都要寻找到的，——或者，不那么夸张地说，它是我宁愿每天跋涉在寒冷无尽的雨中都要寻找到的。
　　这个人当然是爱德华。
　　尽管我看到他的时候总会兴奋不已——有意或无意地——即使我几乎肯定我正在做梦，当爱德华穿过耀眼的阳光向我们走来的时候，我仍然感到惊慌失措。
　　我惊慌失措是因为奶奶不知道我和一个吸血鬼相爱了——没有人知道这件事——那么，一束束光辉灿烂的光柱散落成千万颗彩虹般的光珠，洒落到爱德华的皮肤上，使他看起来像是由水晶或钻石做成的一样，我该如何解释这一事实呢？
　　那么，奶奶，您可能已经注意到我的男朋友闪闪发光。只不过他在阳光下就会这样。别担心……
　　他正在做什么？他住在福克斯这个世界上最阴雨绵绵的地方的全部原因就是他能够在白天外出，同时又不会暴露他的家族秘密。然而，爱德华现在正优雅地向我款款走来——他天使般的脸庞上挂着最美丽的微笑——仿佛这里只有我一个人一样。
　　就在那一刻，我希望我没有被排除在他神秘的天赋之外；而我原先也一直很庆幸他唯独不能看透我的心思，但是现在我希望他也能听清我的想法，这样的话他就能听见我脑海里尖声喊出的警告。
　我大惊失色地朝身后瞥了一眼奶奶，但一切都太迟了。奶奶正好转过身来瞪大眼睛盯着我，她的双眼和我的一样充满警觉。
　　爱德华——仍然带着如此美丽的微笑，我的心仿佛要从胸口膨胀迸裂出来一样——他伸出手臂抱住我的肩膀，转过身来面向祖母。
　　奶奶的表情令我惊讶不已。她看起来毫不恐惧，相反，她怯懦地盯着我，仿佛在等待责备一样。而且她站立的姿势也很奇怪——一只手臂笨拙地抬了起来，向外伸出去，接着环绕着空气弯曲起来，就像她的胳臂环抱着某个我看不见的人——某个隐形的人一样……
　　正大画面逐渐变大的时候，我才注意到围绕着我祖母的巨大的镀金镜框。我根本想不通这是怎么回事，于是我抬起那只没有搂着爱德华的腰的手臂，伸出手想要触摸她。奶奶一模一样地模仿着我的动作，简直就像从镜子里反射出来的一样。但是就在我们的手指头应该相遇的地方，我却只感觉到冷冰冰的玻璃……
　　仿佛遭到狠狠的打击一样，我感到头晕眼花，梦突然变成了梦魇。
　　那根本不是奶奶。
　　那是我。镜子里的我。我——年老色衰，满脸皱纹，神情枯槁。
　　爱德华站在我的身边，镜子中也没有他的映像，他如此可爱，永远保持着十七岁的模样，这一切令人如此痛苦不堪。
　　他把冰冷完美的嘴唇贴近我消瘦的脸颊。
　　"生日快乐。"他呢喃道。
　　我突然一惊，猛地醒了过来——眼睑突然睁得大大的——大口地喘着气。又是一个多云的早晨，一缕缕熟悉的昏暗的灰色光线取代了梦中令人眩目的阳光。
　　只不过是个梦而已，我告诉自己。这只不过是个梦。我深深吸了一口气，就在这时，闹钟冷不防地响了起来，我又吓了一跳。闹钟钟面角落里的小日历显示今天是九月十三日。
　　尽管不过是个梦而已，但从某种意义上来说至少预示着什么。今天是我的生日。我就要正式地步入十八岁了。
　　几个月以来我一直害怕这一天的到来。
　　在整整一个完美的夏天里——我曾度过的最快乐的夏天，那是任何地方的任何人曾经度过的最快乐的夏天，当然，那也是奥林匹克半岛历史上最多雨的夏天——这个令人沮丧的日子却秘密地潜伏着，等待着迸发出来。
　　而现在它突然袭来，其打击比我恐惧的情况还要糟糕。我能感受到这一点——我变老了。虽然每天我都在变老，但是这是不一样的，这种感觉更糟糕，而且是可以用数字计算的。我十八岁了。
　　而爱德华永远都不会变老。
　　我刷牙的时候看见镜子中的脸庞并没有改变，这着实令人惊讶不已。我紧盯着镜子中的自己，试图在象牙般的皮肤上寻找即将到来的皱纹的蛛丝马迹。不过，我脸上唯一的褶皱是额头上的，虽然我知道，如果我能够让自己放松一下的话，它们就会消失不见。但我做不到。我的眉毛纠结在一起，在焦虑的深褐色眼睛上方形成一道直线，呈现出忧虑的表情。
　　这不过是个梦而已，我再次提醒自己。只不过是个梦……但也是我曾做过的最糟糕的噩梦。
　　我没吃早餐，就急匆匆地想尽可能快地跑出家门，但我没能完全避开爸爸，因此不得不花几分钟时间假装高兴。看到他给我的那些我要他不要买的礼物，我认真地努力露出兴奋的表情，但是每次当我不得不笑的时候，我觉得自己好像就要开始哭泣一样。
　　在开车到学校去的路上，我努力地控制住自己的情绪。奶奶的幻景——尽管我不会把它当成自己——但是却很难把它从脑海中驱逐出去。除了绝望我毫无感觉，直到当我把车开到福克斯高中后面熟悉的停车场，发现爱德华仿佛一尊美神大理石雕像——那位被遗忘了的异教神——一动不动地靠在他的抛过光的银色沃尔沃轿车上。我的梦没有公正地对待他，他比梦境中更加迷人。爱德华每天都会等我，就像往常一样，他现在正在那儿等我呢。
　　绝望暂时烟消云散；取而代之的是奇迹。即使在我与他交往半年之后，我仍然不敢相信我配得上如此这般的幸运。
　　他的妹妹爱丽丝站在他身边，也在等我。
　　当然，爱德华和爱丽丝并没有血缘关系（在福克斯流传着这样的故事，卡伦家族所有的兄弟姐妹都是由卡莱尔·卡伦医生和他的妻子埃斯梅领养回来的，他们两个人太年轻了，不可能有十几岁大的孩子），但是他们的脸庞蒙着一层如出一辙的苍白与朦胧，双眸也闪烁着同样奇异的金色光芒，淤青般的阴影笼罩着深深的眼窝。爱丽丝的脸庞像爱德华的一样，美丽得令人惊叹。在知悉内情的人心中——就像我这样的知情人一样——他们的相似之处正是他们真实身份的标记。
　　一看到爱丽丝在那里等我——她黄褐色的眼眸闪烁着兴奋的光芒，手中握着一个银色包装的小方盒——一看见她手里的东西我就忍不住皱了皱眉头。我告诉过她我什么也不要，无论是什么，我的生日不需要礼物，甚至不需要别人的注意。显而易见，此刻他们完全无视我的愿望。
　　我"砰"的一声关上了我的雪佛兰53型卡车的门——一阵灰尘轻轻地飘落到湿漉漉的柏油路面上——我向他们等我的地方缓步走去。爱丽丝蹦蹦跳跳地向我跑来，她的脸庞在长长的直发下熠熠生辉，像小精灵一样。
　　"生日快乐，贝拉！"
　　"嘘！"我一边示意让她小点儿声音，一边看了看停车场周围，想确定没有人听见她说的话。我最不想发生的事情就是因为这次黑色事件而进行任何形式的庆祝活动。
　　她根本无视我的示意。爱德华还在原地等待，我们朝他走过去的时候，爱丽丝迫不及待地问道："你想现在还是晚些时候打开礼物？"
　　"不要礼物！"我咕哝着抗议道。
　　她终于好像弄明白了我脑子里在想什么似的，说道："好吧……那晚些时候再打开看吧。你喜欢你妈妈送给你的剪贴簿吗？还有查理送给你的照相机，你喜欢吗？"
　　我叹了口气。她当然会知道我会得到什么样的生日礼物。爱德华并不是他们家族唯一有特异功能的人。我的父母他们一旦决定要给我买什么，爱丽丝就能"看见"他们正在计划的事情。
　　"是啊，它们棒极了！"
　　"我认为那个主意不错。你只有一次当高年级学生的机会。不妨把你的经历存档起来。"
　　"你当过多少次高年级学生了？"
　　"那不一样。"
　　此时我们来到爱德华等我们的地方，他伸出手来牵住我的手。我急不可待地握住他的手，暂时遗忘了忧郁的情绪。他的皮肤和平常一样，光滑，结实，也很冰冷。他轻轻地掐了一下我的手指头，我望向他那明亮的黄褐色双眸，心脏一阵紧缩，那种心头一紧的感觉决不是那么轻柔。爱德华听见我不平伏的心跳之后又微笑了起来。
　　他抬起那只闲着手，用冰冷的指尖轻轻地在我的嘴唇周围滑动，并温柔地说："那么，和我们讨论的一样，你不允许我祝你生日快乐，是这样吗？"
　　"是的，就是这样。"我从来都没办法模仿他的遣词造句，那么完美，那么流畅，那么正式。那是只有一个世纪以前的人们才学得会的措辞。
　　"只是确定一下，"他用手理了理凌乱的金发，说道，"你可能改变主意了。大多数人好像喜欢像生日、礼物这样的事情。"
　　爱丽丝大声笑了起来，她的声音清脆而动听，就像风铃在风中发出阵阵响声一样，"你当然喜欢的，今天每个人都应该对你友好，让着你，宠着你，贝拉。难不成还会发生什么最糟糕的事情吗？"她反问道。
　　"变老啊。"我还是回答了她的问题，但我的声音并不像我想要的那么坚定。
　　站在我身边的爱德华咧着嘴巴笑了起来。
　　"十八岁并不老呀，"爱丽丝说，"难道女人们不是直到要过二十九岁生日的时候才会感到难过吗？"
　　"可我比爱德华老一些啊。"我喃喃自语道。
　　爱德华叹了叹气。
　　"就技术层面上而言，"她说道，语调还是那么轻松，"不过大了一岁而已。"
　　而我觉得……如果我对我想要的未来有把握的话，如果我将与爱德华、爱丽丝还有卡伦家族的人永远在一起的话（最好不要变成一个满脸皱纹、身材娇小的老妇人）……那么不论是大一两岁，还是小一两岁，我都不会如此介怀。但是爱德华完全反对任何让我发生改变的计划。任何让我与他一样的未来——而那样也会让我永生。
　　那是死路一条，他是这样说的。
　　老实说，我无法真正地理解爱德华的意思。什么让死亡如此了不起？做吸血鬼看起来并不是那么可怕的事情——至少卡伦家族的人看起来一点儿也不可怕。
　　"你几点钟到我们家？"爱丽丝继续问道，她改变了话题。看她的表情，她想要做的事就是我一直希望逃避的。
　　"我并没想过要来你们家呢。"
　　"哦，公平些，贝拉！"她抱怨道，"你不是真的打算那样扫我们的兴吧？"
　　"我以为我的生日应该是按照我想要的方式来过的。"
　　"放学后我会在查理家接她过来。"爱德华告诉她，他根本无视我的话。
　　"我得打工。"我抗议道。
　　"实际上，你不用去的，"爱丽丝得意地对我说，"我已经跟牛顿夫人说过了，她给你换了班。 她还让我转告你"生日快乐"。"
　　"可我——我还是不能过来，"我结结巴巴地说，搜肠刮肚地想找个借口，"我，噢，我还没有看英语课上要看的《罗密欧与朱丽叶》呢。"
　　"但是贝尔蒂先生说过我们要看上映的戏剧才能完全欣赏它——那才是莎士比亚想要的演绎方式。"
　　爱德华转了转眼睛。
　　"你已经看过电影了。"爱丽丝责备道。
　　"但是，那不是19世纪60年代版的。贝尔蒂先生说过那才是最好看的。"
　　最后，爱丽丝再也没法得意地笑了，她恶狠狠地盯着我："这事儿要么很简单，要么很难，贝拉，不过，非此即彼……"
　　爱德华打断她的威胁，宽慰道："爱丽丝，放松点儿。要是贝拉想要看电影的话，那么就让她看吧。这是她的生日。"
　　"就是啊！"我补充道。
　　"我七点左右带她过来，"他继续说道，""这样你们会有更多时间准备。"
　　爱丽丝大笑着插话道，"听起来不错。晚上见，贝拉！今晚肯定很有意思，你会发现的。"她露齿一笑——这样的笑容使她完美无瑕、闪闪发光的牙齿全部露在嘴唇外面——接着她轻轻地吻了一下我的脸，我还没来得及反应她就手舞足蹈地跑去上第一节课了。
　　"爱德华，求你——"我开始乞求了，但是他用一根冰冷的手指压住我的嘴唇。
　　"我们待会儿再讨论，上课要迟到了。"
　　我们和往常一样坐在了教室的后面，也没人费心盯着我们俩儿（我们现在差不多天天坐在一起上课——爱德华得到女行政助理们的特别关照帮他做成了这事儿，这简直棒极了！）爱德华和我在一起拍拖的时间已经很久了，现在这件事情已经不会再成为人们茶余饭后的谈资了。就连迈克·牛顿也没有再像以前一样忧郁地盯着我了，他的目光曾让我感到有些内疚。相反，现在微笑又出现在他的脸庞上，他似乎已经接受了我们两个人只能成为朋友的事实，这也让我感到很高兴。经过一个夏天，迈克改变了不少——圆圆的脸型已经稍有改变，颧骨更加突出，苍白的金发换了个新发型；和以前粗硬的长发不一样，现在他的头发更长了，用发胶精心地固定成随意零乱的造型。要了解这种灵感来自何处并非难事——但是爱德华的外表不是通过模仿就能实现的，
　　时间在往前推移，我却在想逃离今晚在卡伦家的大房子里可能发生的任何事情。我还沉湎于哀悼的情绪时却要举行庆生会，这已经够糟糕透顶的了。但是，比这更糟糕的是这肯定会引起别人的注意，还会收到许多礼物。
　　引人注意决不是什么好事情，其他像我一样老惹麻烦、笨手笨脚的人都会同意这一点。没有人想在自己很可能扑倒在地、丢脸万分的时候成为人们关注的焦点。
　　我曾直截了当地要求过——噢，实际上是命令过——今年任何人都不要给我送礼物。看起来查理和蕾妮并不是唯一决心对此熟视无睹的人。
　　我一直没什么钱，不过这也没让我烦心。蕾妮是靠幼儿园老师的薪水把我养大的，而查理的工作也赚不了什么钱——他是福克斯这个小镇上的警察局长。我个人唯一的收入来源于一周三天在当地一家运动品商店打工赚来的钱。在像福克斯这样小的小镇上，我能有份工作已经算是很幸运的了。我赚的每一分钱都存进了我的微型大学基金。（上大学是我的B计划。我仍然希望实现A计划，但是爱德华对于让我一直当人类的想法坚定不移。）
　　爱德华有许多钱——我甚至不想去想他到底有多少钱。金钱对于爱德华或卡伦家族的其他人而言毫无意义。他们认为金钱不过是当你手头拥有无限的光阴，而且有个姊妹具有预测股票市场行情的神秘能力的时候所积累的东西。爱德华似乎并不明白为什么我反对他在我身上花钱——他不理解要是他带我到西雅图一家昂贵的餐厅吃饭，为什么这会让我感到不舒服；他也不理解为什么我不允许他给我买一辆时速达到55英里的车；他更不理解为什么我不让他为我付上大学的学费（他荒谬地热衷于B计划）。在他眼里，我根本没必要自讨苦吃。
　　但是我怎能让他给我买东西却没法回赠呢？他，因为某种深不可测的原因，想要和我在一起。基于此种理由之上的任何馈赠都会让我们的关系愈加失去平衡。
　　白天仍在继续，爱德华和爱丽丝都没有再提我生日的事情，我开始放松了一点。
　　我们坐在常坐的座位上吃午饭。
　　这张餐桌上弥漫着一种奇怪的缓和气氛。我们三个人——爱德华、爱丽丝和我——坐在桌子的最南端。既然那几位还有些令人恐惧的"高年级学生"（当然是埃美特了）卡伦兄妹们都已经毕业了，爱丽丝和爱德华看起来就没那么令人畏惧了。除了我们之外，还有其他人坐在这里吃饭。我的其他朋友，迈克和杰西卡（他们俩正处于分手后仍是朋友的尴尬阶段），安吉拉和本（他们的关系经过一个暑期延续了下来），埃里克、康纳、泰勒和劳伦（尽管最后那个并不算真正意义上的朋友），全都坐在一张餐桌上吃饭上，餐桌上似乎有一条隐形的分界线，他们全都坐在另一端。这条隐形的分界线在阳光明媚的日子就自行消解了，通常这时候爱德华和爱丽丝都会翘课；这样一来，他们的谈话就会毫不费力地展开，我也会加入进来。
　　我常常感到这种微妙的放逐感，它令我感到很落单，也很受伤，而爱德华和爱丽丝却没有相同的体会。他们根本没注意到它的存在。人们对卡伦家族的人莫名其妙地感到不安，往往会因为某种他们自己也无法解释的原因而感到害怕。我则算个例外了。我和爱德华靠得很近的时候会感到无比地舒适，有时候，爱德华还会因此而烦恼。他认为他对我的健康有害——无论何时他发表这样的看法，我都会激烈地反对。
　　下午过得很快。放学后，爱德华和平常一样送我去取车。但是，这一次，他为我拉开的是乘客车门，爱丽丝这会儿肯定正开着他的车在回家的路上呢，这样一来他就可以防备我逃跑了。
　　我抱起双臂，没有任何避雨的意思，"这是我的生日，难道不应该由我来开车吗？"
　　"我正假装这不是你的生日呢，这正是你希望的啊。"
　　"要是这不是我的生日的话，那么我今晚就不必到你们家……"
　　"好吧！"他关上了乘客车门，从我面前走过打开了驾驶座的车门。"生日快乐。"
　　"嘘！"我毫无兴趣地嘘了一下，从打开的车门爬进了驾驶座，希望他接受的是另一个提议。
　　我开车的时候爱德华在拨弄我的收音机，满脸不以为然地摇着头。
　　我皱了皱眉头。我不喜欢他对我的卡车挑三拣四。这辆卡车棒极了——它很有个性！
　　"你想要买个漂亮的立体音响吧？那么开你自己的车去。"我对爱丽丝的计划感到如此不安，特别是当我本来就很郁闷的时候，我的话听起来比我原本的意思还要尖锐。我几乎从没对爱德华发过脾气，我的语调使他闭上了嘴巴，笑容僵在那里。
　　我把车停在查理的家门口，他则伸出双手捧住我的脸，小心翼翼地用指尖轻轻地划过我的太阳穴、颧骨和我的下巴，仿佛我特别容易破碎似的。的确如此——至少跟他比起来我是这样的。
　　"你应该心情很好才对，尤其是今天。"他轻声地说着，温柔的气息拂过我的脸。
　　"要是我不想心情好呢?"我问道，呼吸变得急促起来。
　　他金色的双眼布满忧郁："那就太糟糕了。"
　　当他向我靠近，把冰冷的嘴唇压在我的嘴唇上的时候，我已经开始晕头转向了。毫无疑问，他是故意的，顷刻间，我忘却了所有的烦恼，精力全用在记住如何吸气和呼气上了。
　　他的嘴唇冰冷而光滑，温柔地游移在我的嘴唇上，直到我用胳膊环抱住他的脖子，过于热情地回应着他的吻。当他松手放开我的头的时候，我感觉到他回避着我将嘴唇移开，转而用手掰开我紧紧环抱着他的手。
　　爱德华在我们身体接触方面定下了许多条条框框，他想让我活下去。尽管我一直使我的皮肤和他锋利无比、布满毒液的牙齿之间保持一定的安全距离，但我总是会忘记一些琐碎的事情，譬如当他吻我的时候我也要注意这些。
　　"乖乖的，求你了。"他在我脸旁温柔地说道。他又轻轻地吻了一下我的唇，然后又移开了，把我的手合在一起放在我的肚子上。
　　我几乎能听见自己的心跳，脑中嗡嗡作响，一片混乱。我用手捂住胸口，心脏在我的掌心下疯狂地跳动着，像拨浪鼓一样发出"嘭嘭嘭嘭"的声音。
　　"你觉得我能更好地应付这样的情况吗？"我几乎是自言自语，惊讶地说道， "无论何时你抚摸我，某一天我的心可能不会再努力地蹦出我的胸口。"
　　"我真的希望不要。"他说道，语气中有些沾沾自喜。
　　我转动了一下眼睛："我们去看看凯普莱特和蒙塔古是怎样互相攻击的，好吗？"
　　"你许下心愿，我就来实现。"
　　爱德华趴在长沙发椅上，我则把电影打开，按着快进键跳过片头字幕。我在他面前的沙发边缘上坐下来，他用胳膊环住了我的腰，紧紧地把我抱在他的胸前。其实，他的胸膛坚硬而冰冷——也很完美——和冰雕一样，靠在上面并不会比靠在一只沙发垫子更舒服，但是我当然更喜欢这样。他从长沙发椅上拉下一条阿富汗毛毯，裹在我身上，这样我就不会因为靠在他身边而感到寒冷。
　　"你知道，我对罗密欧一直就没什么耐心。"电影开始的时候他就评论道。
　　"罗密欧有什么不好？"我感到有些受到冒犯地问道。罗密欧是我最喜欢的虚构人物之一。在我遇到爱德华之前，我对他还真有些好感呢。
　　"哦，首先，他爱上了罗莎琳——你不觉得这使他看起来有些花心吗？接着，他和朱丽叶结婚之后不到几分钟就杀死了朱丽叶的表兄。那真不怎么聪明，他是一错再错!难道他不是彻头彻尾地毁掉了自己的幸福吗？"
　　我叹了口气："你让我一个人看这部电影好吗？"
　　"好吧，那我主要注视你好了。"他的指头摩挲着我胳膊上的皮肤纹理，所到之处起了一层鸡皮疙瘩。"你会哭吗？"
　　"可能吧，"我承认道，"要是我集
Chapter 2 Stitches
CARLISLE WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO STAYED calm. Centuries of experience in theemergency room were evident in his quiet, authoritative voice.
　　"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside."Unsmiling for once, Emmett nodded. "Come on, Jasper."Jasper struggled against Emmett's unbreakable grasp, twisting around, reaching toward his brother withhis bared teeth, his eyes still past reason.
　　Edward's face was whiter than bone as he wheeled to crouch over me, taking a clearly defensiveposition. A low warning growl slid from between his clenched teeth. I could tell that he wasn't breathing.
　　Rosalie, her divine face strangely smug, stepped in front of Jasper—keeping a careful distance from histeeth—and helped Emmett wrestle him through the glass door that Esme held open, one hand pressedover her mouth and nose.
　　Esme's heart-shaped face was ashamed. "I'm so sorry, Bella," she cried as she followed the others intothe yard.
　　"Let me by, Edward," Carlisle murmured.
　　A second passed, and then Edward nodded slowly and relaxed his stance.
　　Carlisle knelt beside me, leaning close to examine my arm. I could feel the shock frozen on my face, andI tried to compose it.
　　"Here, Carlisle," Alice said, handing him a towel.
　　He shook his head. "Too much glass in the wound." He reached over and ripped a long, thin scrap fromthe bottom of the white tablecloth. He twisted it around my arm above the elbow to form a tourniquet.
　　The smell of the blood was making me dizzy. My ears rang.
　　"Bella," Carlisle said softly. "Do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to takecare of it here?""Here, please," I whispered. If he took me to the hospital, there would be no way to keep this fromCharlie.
　　 "I'll get your bag," Alice said.
　　"Let's take her to the kitchen table," Carlisle said to Edward.
　　Edward lifted me effortlessly, while Carlisle kept the pressure steady on my arm.
　　"How are you doing, Bella?" Carlisle asked.
　　"I'm fine." My voice was reasonably steady, which pleased me.
　　Edward's face was like stone.
　　Alice was there. Carlisle's black bag was already on the table, a small but brilliant desk light plugged intothe wall. Edward sat me gently into a chair, and Carlisle pulled up another. He went to work at once.
　　Edward stood over me, still protective, still not breathing.
　　"Just go, Edward," I sighed.
　　"I can handle it," he insisted. But his jaw was rigid; his eyes burned with the intensity of the thirst hefought, so much worse for him than it was for the others.
　　"You don't need to be a hero," I said. "Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air."I winced as Carlisle did something to my arm that stung.
　　"I'll stay," he said.
　　"Why are you so masochistic?" I mumbled.
　　Carlisle decided to intercede. "Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm surehe's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now.""Yes," I eagerly agreed. "Go find Jasper.""You might as well do something useful," Alice added.
　　Edward's eyes narrowed as we ganged up on him, but, finally, he nodded once and sprinted smoothlythrough the kitchen's back door. I was sure he hadn't taken a breath since I'd sliced my finger.
　　A numb, dead feeling was spreading through my arm.
　　Though it erased the sting, it reminded me of the gash, and I watched Carlisle's face carefully to distractme from what his hands were doing. His hair gleamed gold in the bright light as he bent over my arm. Icould feel the faint stirrings of unease in the pit of my stomach, but I was determined not to let my usualsqueamishness get the best of me. There was no pain now, just a gentle tugging sensation that I tried toignore. No reason to get sick like a baby.
　　If she hadn't been in my line of sight, I wouldn't have noticed Alice give up and steal out of the room.
　　With a tiny, apologetic smile on her lips, she disappeared through the kitchen doorway.
　　"Well, that's everyone," I sighed. "I can clear a room, at least.""It's not your fault," Carlisle comforted me with a chuckle. "It could happen to anyone.""Could" I repeated. "But it usually just happens to me." He laughed again.
　　His relaxed calm was only more amazing set in direct contrast with everyone else's reaction. I couldn'tfind any trace of anxiety in his face. He worked with quick, sure movements. The only sound besides ourquiet breathing was the soft plink, plink as the tiny fragments of glass dropped one by one to the table.
　　"How can you do this?" I demanded. "Even Alice and Esme…" I trailed off, shaking my head in wonder.
　　Though the rest of them had given up the traditional diet of vampires just as absolutely as Carlisle had, hewas the only one who could bear the smell of my blood without suffering from the intense temptation.
　　Clearly, this was much more difficult than he made it seem.
　　"Years and years of practice," he told me. "I barely notice the scent anymore.""Do you think it would be harder if you took a vacation from the hospital for a long time. And weren'taround any blood?""Maybe." He shrugged his shoulders, but his hands remained steady. "I've never felt the need for anextended holiday." He flashed a brilliant smile in my direction. "I enjoy my work too much."Plink, plink, plink. I was surprised at how much glass there seemed to be in my arm. I was tempted toglance at the growing pile, just to check the size, but I knew that idea would not be helpful to myno-vomiting strategy.
　　"What is it that you enjoy?" I wondered. It didn't make sense to me—the years of struggle and self-denialhe must have spent to get to the point where he could endure this so easily. Besides, I wanted to keephim talking; the conversation kept my mind off the queasy feeling in my stomach.
　　His dark eyes were calm and thoughtful as he answered. "Hmm. What I enjoy the very most is whenmy… enhanced abilities let me save someone who would otherwise have been lost. It's pleasant knowingthat, thanks to what I can do, some people's lives are better because I exist. Even the sense of smell is auseful diagnostic tool at times." One side of his mouth pulled up in half a smile.
　　I mulled that over while he poked around, making sure all the glass splinters were gone. Then herummaged in his bag for new tools, and I tried not to picture a needle and thread.
　　"You try very hard to make up for something that was never your fault," I suggested while a new kind oftugging started at the edges of my skin. "What I mean is, it's not like you asked for this. You didn'tchoose this kind of life, and yet you have to work so hard to be good.""I don't know that I'm making up for anything," he disagreed lightly. "Like everything in life, I just had todecide what to do with what I was given.""That makes it sound too easy."He examined my arm again. "There," he said, snipping a thread. "All done." He wiped an oversizedQ-tip, dripping with some syrup-colored liquid, thoroughly across the operation site. The smell wasstrange; it made my head spin. The syrup stained my skin.
　　"In the beginning, though," I pressed while he taped another long piece of gauze securely in place, sealingit to my skin. "Why did you even think to try a different way than the obvious one?"His lips turned up in a private smile. "Hasn't Edward told you this story?""Yes. But I'm trying to understand what you were thinking…" His face was suddenly serious again, and I wondered if his thoughts had gone to the same place that minehad. Wondering what I would be thinking when—I refused to think if—it was me.
　　"You know my father was a clergyman," he mused as he cleaned the table carefully, rubbing everythingdown with wet gauze, and then doing it again. The smell of alcohol burned in my nose. "He had a ratherharsh view of the world, which I was already beginning to question before the time that I changed."Carlisle put all the dirty gauze and the glass slivers into an empty crystal bowl. I didn't understand what hewas doing, even when he lit the match. Then he threw it onto the alcohol-soaked fibers, and the suddenblaze made me jump.
　　"Sorry," he apologized. "That ought to do it… So I didn't agree with my father's particular brand of faith.
　　But never, in the nearly four hundred years now since I was born, have I ever seen anything to make medoubt whether God exists in some form or the other. Not even the reflection in the mirror."I pretended to examine the dressing on my arm to hide my surprise at the direction our conversation hadtaken. Religion was the last thing I expected, all things considered. My own life was fairly devoid ofbelief. Charlie considered himself a Lutheran, because that's what his parents had been, but Sundays heworshipped by the river with a fishing pole in his hand. Renee tried out a church now and then, but, muchlike her brief affairs with tennis, pottery, yoga, and French classes, she moved on by the time I wasaware of her newest fad.
　　"I'm sure all this sounds a little bizarre, coming from a vampire." He grinned, knowing how their casualuse of that word never failed to shock me. "But I'm hoping that there is still a point to this life, even for us.
　　It's a long shot, I'll admit," he continued in an offhand voice. "By all accounts, we're damned regardless.
　　But I hope, maybe foolishly, that we'll get some measure of credit for trying.""I don't think that's foolish," I mumbled. I couldn't imagine anyone, deity included, who wouldn't beimpressed by Carlisle. Besides, the only kind of heaven I could appreciate would have to includeEdward. "And I don't think anyone else would, either.""Actually, you're the very first one to agree with me.""The rest of them don't feel the same?" I asked, surprised, thinking of only one person in particular.
　　Carlisle guessed the direction of my thoughts again. "Edward's with me up to a point. God and heavenexist… and so does hell. But he doesn't believe there is an afterlife for our kind." Carlisle's voice wasvery soft; he stared out the big window over the sink, into the darkness. "You see, he thinks we've lostour souls."I immediately thought of Edward's words this afternoon: unless you want to die—or whatever it isthat we do. The lightbulb flicked on over my head.
　　"That's the real problem, isn't it?" I guessed. "That's why he's being so difficult about me."Carlisle spoke slowly. "I look at my… son. His strength, his goodness, the brightness that shines out ofhim—and it only fuels that hope, that faith, more than ever. How could there not be more for one such asEdward?"I nodded in fervent agreement.
　　"But if I believed as he does…" He looked down at me with unfathomable eyes. "If you believed as hedid. Could you take away his soul?"The way he phrased the question thwarted my answer.
　　 If he'd asked me whether I would risk my soul for Edward, the reply would be obvious. But would I riskEdward's soul? I pursed my lips unhappily. That wasn't a fair exchange.
　　"You see the problem."I shook my head, aware of the stubborn set of my chin.
　　Carlisle sighed.
　　"It's my choice," I insisted.
　　"It's his, too." He held up his hand when he could see that I was about to argue. "Whether he isresponsible for doing that to you.""He's not the only one able to do it." I eyed Carlisle speculatively.
　　He laughed, abruptly lightening the mood. "Oh, no! You're going to have to work this out with him."Butthen he sighed. "That's the one part I can never be sure of. I think, in most other ways, that I've done thebest I could with what I had to work with. But was it right to doom the others to this life? I can't decide."I didn't answer. I imagined what my life would be like if Carlisle had resisted the temptation to change hislonely existence… and shuddered.
　　"It was Edward's mother who made up my mind." Carlisle's voice was almost a whisper. He staredunseeingly out the black windows.
　　"His mother?" Whenever I'd asked Edward about his parents, he would merely say that they had diedlong ago, and his memories were vague. I realized Carlisle's memory of them, despite the brevity of theircontact, would be perfectly clear.
　　"Yes. Her name was Elizabeth. Elizabeth Masen. His father, Edward Senior, never regainedconsciousness in the hospital. He died in the first wave of the influenza. But Elizabeth was alert untilalmost the very end. Edward looks a great deal like her—she had that same strange bronze shade to herhair, and her eyes were exactly the same color green.""His eyes were green?" I murmured, trying to picture it.
　　"Yes…" Carlisle's ocher eyes were a hundred years away now. "Elizabeth worried obsessively over herson. She hurt her own chances of survival trying to nurse him from her sickbed. I expected that he wouldgo first, he was so much worse off than she was. When the end came for her, it was very quick. It wasjust after sunset, and I'd arrived to relieve the doctors who'd been working all day. That was a hard timeto pretend—there was so much work to be done, and I had no need of rest. How I hated to go back tomy house, to hide in the dark and pretend to sleep while so many were dying.
　　"I went to check Elizabeth and her son first. I'd grown attached—always a dangerous thing to doconsidering the fragile nature of humans. I could see at once that she'd taken a bad turn. The fever wasraging out of control, and her body was too weak to fight anymore.
　　"She didn't look weak, though, when she glared up at me from her cot.
　　"Save him!' she commanded me in the hoarse voice that was all her throat could manage.
　　"I'll do everything in my power,' I promised her, taking her hand. The fever was so high, she probablycouldn't even tell how unnaturally cold mine felt. Everything felt cold to her skin.
　　 "You must," she insisted, clutching at my hand with enough strength that I wondered if she wouldn't pullthrough the crisis after all. Her eyes were hard, like stones, like emeralds. 'You must do everything inyour power. What others cannot do, that is what you must do for my Edward.""It frightened me. She looked it me with those piercing eyes, and, for one instant, I felt certain that sheknew my secret. Then the fever overwhelmed her, and she never regained consciousness. She diedwithin an hour of making her demand.
　　"I'd spent decades considering the idea of creating a companion for myself. Just one other creature whocould really know me, rather than what I pretended to be. But I could never justify it to myself—doingwhat had been done to me.
　　"There Edward lay, dying. It was clear that he had only hours left. Beside him, his mother, her facesomehow not yet peaceful, not even in death."Carlisle saw it all again, his memory unblurred by the intervening century. I could see it clearly, too, as hespoke—the despair of the hospital, the overwhelming atmosphere of death. Edward burning with fever,his life slipping away with each tick of the clock… I shuddered again, and forced the picture from mymind.
　　"Elizabeth's words echoed in my head. How could she guess what I could do? Could anyone really wantthat for her son?
　　"I looked at Edward. Sick as he was, he was still beautiful. There was something pure and good abouthis face. The kind of face I would have wanted my son to have.
　　"After all those years of indecision, I simply acted on a whim. I wheeled his mother to the morgue first,and then I came back for him. No one noticed that he was still breathing. There weren't enough hands,enough eyes, to keep track of half of what the patients needed. The morgue was empty—of the living, atleast. I stole him out the back door, and carried him across the rooftops back to my home.
　　"I wasn't sure what had to be done. I settled for recreating the wounds I'd received myself, so manycenturies earlier in London. I felt bad about that later. It was more painful and lingering than necessary.
　　"I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward." He shook his head, coming back tothe present. He smiled at me. "I suppose I should take you home now.""I'll do that," Edward said. He came through the shadowy dining room, walking slowly for him. His facewas smooth, unreadable, but there was something wrong with his eyes—something he was trying veryhard to hide. I felt a spasm of unease in my stomach.
　　"Carlisle can take me," I said. I looked down at my shirt; the light blue cotton was soaked and spottedwith my blood. My right shoulder was covered in thick pink frosting.
　　"I'm fine." Edward's voice was unemotional. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heartattack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something." He strode out the kitchen door again.
　　I looked at Carlisle anxiously. "He's very upset.""Yes," Carlisle agreed. "Tonight is exactly the kind of thing that he fears the most. You being put indanger, because of what we are.""It's not his fault." "It's not yours, either."I looked away from his wise, beautiful eyes. I couldn't agree with that.
　　Carlisle offered me his hand and helped me up from the table. I followed him out into the main room.
　　Esme had come back; she was mopping the floor where I'd fallen—with straight bleach from the smell ofit.
　　"Esme, let me do that." I could feel that my face was bright red again.
　　"I'm already done." She smiled up at me. "How do you feel?""I'm fine," I assured her. "Carlisle sews faster than any other doctor I've had."They both chuckled.
　　Alice and Edward came in the back doors. Alice hurried to my side, but Edward hung back, his faceindecipherable.
　　"C'mon," Alice said. "I'll get you something less macabre to wear."She found me a shirt of Esme's that was close to the same color mine had been. Charlie wouldn't notice,I was sure. The long white bandage on my arm didn't look nearly as serious when I was no longerspattered in gore. Charlie was never surprised to see me bandaged.
　　"Alice," I whispered as she headed back to the door.
　　"Yes?" She kept her voice low, too, and looked at me curiously, her head cocked to the side.
　　"How bad is it?" I couldn't be sure if my whispering was a wasted effort. Even though we were upstairs,with the door closed, perhaps he could hear me.
　　Her face tensed. "I'm not sure yet.""How's Jasper?"She sighed. "He's very unhappy with himself. It's all so much more of challenge for him, and he hatesfeeling weak.""It's not his fault. You'll tell him that I'm not mad at him, not at all, won't you?""Of course."Edward was waiting for me by the front door. As I got to the bottom of the staircase, he held it openwithout a word.
　　"Take your things!" Alice cried as I walked warily toward Edward. She scooped up the two packages,one half-opened, and my camera from under the piano, and pressed them into my good arm. "You canthank me later, when you've opened them."Esme and Carlisle both said a quiet goodnight. I could see them stealing quick glances at their impassiveson, much like I was.
　　It was a relief to be outside; I hurried past the lanterns and the roses, now unwelcome reminders.
　　Edward kept pace with me silently. He opened the passenget side for me, and I climbed in without complaint.
　　On the dashboard was a big red ribbon, stuck to the new stereo. I pulled it off, throwing it to the floor.
　　As Edward slid into the other side, I kicked the ribbon under my seat.
　　He didn't look at me or the stereo. Neither of us switched it on, and the silence was somehow intensifiedby the sudden thunder of the engine. He drove too fast down the dark, serpentine lane.
　　The silence was making me insane.
　　"Say something," I finally begged as he turned onto the freeway.
　　"What do you want me to say?" he asked in a detached voice.
　　I cringed at his remoteness. 'Tell me you forgive me."That brought a flicker of life to his face—a flicker of anger. "Forgive you? For what?""If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened.""Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut—that hardly deserves the death penalty.""It's still my fault."My words opened up the floodgate.
　　"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your othernormal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't findyou a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own—without someonethrowing you into them—even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they droveyou to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up—andhe wouldn't be righting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this onyourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself.""How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" I demanded.
　　"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier foryou to be with," he growled.
　　"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," I protested. "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you.""Don't be melodramatic, please.""Well then, don't you be ridiculous."He didn't answer. He glared through the windshield, his expression black.
　　I racked my brain for some way to salvage the evening. When we pulled up in front of my house, I stillhadn't come up with anything.
　　He killed the engine, but his hands stayed clenched around the steering wheel.
　　"Will you stay tonight?" I asked.
　　"I should go home." The last thing I wanted was for him to go wallow in remorse.
　　"For my birthday," I pressed.
　　"You can't have it both ways—either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or theother."His voice was stern, but not .is serious as before. I breathed a silent sigh of relief.
　　"Okay. I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs."I hopped out, reaching back in for my packages. He frowned.
　　"You don't have to take those.""I want them," I responded automatically, and then wondered if he was using reverse psychology.
　　"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you.""I'll live." I tucked the presents awkwardly under my good arm and slammed the door behind me. Hewas out of the truck and by my side in less than a second.
　　"Let me carry them, at least." he said as he took them away. "I'll be in your room."I smiled. "Thanks.""Happy birthday," he sighed, and leaned down to touch his lips to mine.
　　I reached up on my toes to make the kiss last longer when he pulled away. He smiled my favoritecrooked smile, and then he disappeared into the darkness.
　　The game was still on; as soon as I walked through the front door I could hear the announcer ramblingover the babble of the crowd.
　　"Bell?" Charlie called.
　　"Hey, Dad," I said as I came around the corner. I held my arm close to my side. The slight pressureburned, and I wrinkled my nose. The anesthetic was apparently losing its effectiveness.
　　"How was it?" Charlie lounged across the sofa with his bare feet propped up on the arm. What was leftof his curly brown hair was crushed flat on one side.
　　"Alice went overboard. Flowers, cake, candles, presents—the whole bit.""What did they get you?""A stereo for my truck." And various unknowns.
　　"Wow.""Yeah," I agreed. "Well, I'm calling it a night.""I'll see you in the morning."I waved. "See ya." "What happened to your arm?"I flushed and cursed silently. "I tripped. It's nothing.""Bella," he sighed, shaking his head.
　　"Goodnight, Dad."I hurried up to the bathroom, where I kept my pajamas for just such nights as these. I shrugged into thematching tank top and cotton pants that I'd gotten to replace the holey sweats I used to wear to bed,wincing as the movement pulled at the stitches. I washed my face one-handed, brushed my teeth, andthen skipped to my room.
　　He was sitting in the center of my bed, toying idly with one of the silver boxes.
　　"Hi," he said. His voice was sad. He was wallowing.
　　I went to the bed, pushed the presents out of his hands, and climbed into his lap.
　　"Hi." I snuggled into his stone chest. "Can I open my presents now?""Where did the enthusiasm come from?" he wondered.
　　"You made me curious."I picked up the long flat rectangle that must have been from Carlisle and Esme.
　　"Allow me," he suggested. He took the gift from my hand and tore the silver paper off with one fluidmovement. He handed the rectangular white box back to me.
　　"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" I muttered, but he ignored me.
　　Inside the box was a long thick piece of paper with an overwhelming amount of fine print. It took me aminute to get the gist of the information.
　　"We're going to Jacksonville?" And I was excited, in spite of myself. It was a voucher for plane tickets,for both me and Edward.
　　"That's the idea.""I can't believe it. Renee is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stayinside all day.""I think I can handle it," he said, and then frowned. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a giftthis appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'dcomplain.""Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!"He chuckled. "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable ofbeing reasonable."I set the tickets aside and reached for his present, my curiosity rekindled. He took it from me andunwrapped it like the first one.
　　He handed back a clear CD jewel case, with a blank silver CD inside.
　　 "What is it?" I asked, perplexed.
　　He didn't say anything; he took the CD and reached around me to put it in the CD player on the bedsidetable. He hit play, and we waited in silence. Then the music began.
　　I listened, speechless and wide-eyed. I knew he was waiting for my reaction, but I couldn't talk. Tearswelled up, and I reached up to wipe them away before they could spill over.
　　"Does your arm hurt?" he asked anxiously.
　　"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. Ican't believe it." I shut up, so I could listen.
　　It was his music, his compositions. The first piece on the CD was my lullaby.
　　"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here," he explained.
　　"You're right.""How does your arm feel?""Just fine." Actually, it was starting to blaze under the bandage. I wanted ice. I would have settled for hishand, but that would have given me away.
　　"I'll get you some Tylenol.""I don't need anything," I protested, but he slid me off his lap and headed for the door.
　　"Charlie," I hissed. Charlie wasn't exactly aware that Edward frequently stayed over. In fact, he wouldhave a stroke if that fact were brought to his attention. But I didn't feel too guilty for deceiving him Itwasn't as if we were up to anything he wouldn't want me to be up to. Edward and his rules…"He won't catch me," Edward promised as he disappeared silently out the door . . and returned, catchingthe door before it had swung back to touch the frame. He had the glass from the bathroom and the bottleof pills in one hand.
　　I took the pills he handed me without arguing—I knew I would lose the argument And my arm really wasstarting to bother me.
　　My lullaby continued, soft and lovely, in the background.
　　"It's late," Edward noted. He scooped me up off the bed with one arm, and pulled the cover back withthe other. He put me down with my head on my pillow and tucked the quilt around me. He lay down nextto me—on top of the blanket so I wouldn't get chilled—and put his arm over me.
　　I leaned my head against his shoulder and sighed happily.
　　"Thanks again," I whispered.
　　"You're welcome."It was quiet for a long moment as I listened to my lullaby drift to a close. Another song began. Irecognized Esme's favorite.
　　"What are you thinking about?'" I wondered in a whisper.
　　 He hesitated for a second before he told me. "I was thinking about right and wrong, actually."I felt a chill tingle along my spine.
　　"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?" I asked quickly, hoping itwasn't too clear that I was trying to distract him.
　　"Yes," he agreed, wary.
　　"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again.""You're greedy tonight.""Yes, I am—but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," I added, piqued.
　　He laughed, and then sighed. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," he said in astrangely desperate tone as he put his hand under my chin and pulled my face up to his.
　　The kiss began much the same as usual—Edward was as careful as ever, and my heart began tooverreact like it always did. And then something seemed to change. Suddenly his lips became much moreurgent, his free hand twisted into my hair and held my face securely to his. And, though my hands tangledin his hair, too, and though I was clearly beginning to cross his cautious lines, for once he didn't stop me.
　　His body was cold through the thin quilt, but I crushed myself against him eagerly.
　　When he stopped it was abrupt; he pushed me away with gentle, firm hands.
　　I collapsed back onto my pillow, gasping, my head spinning. Something tugged at my memory, elusive,on the edges.
　　"Sorry," he said, and he was breathless, too. "That was out of line.""I don't mind," I panted.
　　He frowned at me in the darkness. "Try to sleep. Bella.""No, I want you to kiss me again.""You're overestimating my self-control.""Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" I challenged.
　　"It's a tie." He grinned briefly in spite of himself, and then was serious again. "Now. why don't you stoppushing your luck and go to sleep?""Fine," I agreed, snuggling closer to him. I really did feel exhausted. It had been a long day in so manyways, yet I felt no sense of relief at its end. Almost as if something worse was coming tomorrow. It was asilly premonition—what could be worse than today?' Just the shock catching up with me, no doubt.
　　Trying to be sneaky about it, I pressed my injured arm against his shoulder, so his cool skin would sooththe burning. It felt better at once.
　　I was halfway asleep, maybe more, when I realized what his kiss had reminded me of: last spring, whenhe'd had to leave me to throw James off my trail, Edward had kissed me goodbye, not knowingwhen—or if—we would see each other again. This kiss had the same almost painful edge for somereason I couldn't imagine. I shuddered into unconsciousness, as if I were already having a nightmare.　　2． 缝针
　　卡莱尔是唯一一个保持沉着冷静的人。在急救室几个世纪的经验显然反映在他那平静而有权威的声音里。
　　"埃美特，罗斯，把贾斯帕带出去。"
　　埃美特这一次没有笑，他点点头："来吧，贾斯帕。"
　　贾斯帕在埃美特坚不可摧的掌控中挣扎着蜷缩成一团，裸露在外的獠牙伸向他的兄弟，他的眼中仍然没有任何理智。
　　爱德华的脸比白骨还要惨白，他向我爬过来，蜷伏在我身上，保持着防护性的姿势。他紧咬牙齿，低沉的咆哮声在齿缝中回荡，不断发出警告。我确定他没在呼吸。
　　罗莎莉女神般的脸庞带着沾沾自喜的古怪表情，她走到贾斯帕面前——小心翼翼地与他的牙齿保持一定的距离——帮助埃美特把他拖出埃斯梅为他们打开的门，埃斯梅一直用手捂着自己的嘴巴和鼻子。
　　埃斯梅心型的脸庞上流露出羞愧的表情，"我感到非常抱歉，贝拉。"她跟着其他人走进院子的时候，哭了起来。
　　"让我过去，爱德华。"卡莱尔低声说道。
　　过了一会儿，爱德华慢慢地点点头，放松了警惕。
　　卡莱尔在我身旁蹲了下来，靠近我检查我的胳膊，虽然我能感到我脸上震惊的表情，但我尽力保持冷静。
　　"拿着，卡莱尔。"爱丽丝说道，递给他一条毛巾。
　　他摇了摇头："伤口中的玻璃太多了。"他伸出手，从白色的桌布底部撕下一条细长的带子，把它绑在我肘部上方的胳膊上，形成一个止血带。血的味道令我眩晕，耳朵嗡嗡作响。
　　"贝拉，"卡莱尔轻声说道，"你要我送你去医院呢，还是要我在这里处理伤口呢？"
　　"在这儿，求你了。"我低声说道。要是他送我去医院的话，就没办法不让查理知道这件事情了。
　　"我去拿你的包。"爱丽丝说道。
　　"我们一块儿把她带到厨房的餐桌那儿去吧。"卡莱尔对爱德华说道。
　　爱德华毫不费力地把我背了起来，卡莱尔则在一旁牢牢地按住我的胳膊。
　　"你还好吗，贝拉？"卡莱尔问道。
　　"我很好。"我的声音相当地坚定，这让我感到很放心。
　　爱德华的脸像石头一样。
　　爱丽丝也在那儿，卡莱尔的黑色工具包已经放在桌子上了，一张小巧明亮的小桌灯镶嵌在墙壁上。爱德华轻轻地扶着我坐在椅子上，卡莱尔拖过另一张椅子，立即开始工作了。
　　爱德华站在我身旁，仍然保持着保护的姿态，他还是没在呼吸。
　　"还是走吧，爱德华。"我叹了叹气。
　　"我能应付。"他坚持道，但是他的下巴僵硬；眼睛里浮现出与强烈的渴望作斗争的痛苦神情，这种痛苦来得比其他人更强烈，更糟糕。
　　"你别逞强，"我说道，"卡莱尔没有你的帮助也能把我的伤口处理好。出去呼吸一下新鲜空气吧。"
　　卡莱尔往我的胳膊上擦了种令人刺痛的东西，我胳膊一缩。
　　"我要留在这儿。"他说道。
　　"你为什么要如此自我虐待呢？"我喃喃自语道。
　　卡莱尔决定充当和事老了："爱德华，在贾斯帕过于自责之前，你不妨过去看看他，我确信他现在正在生自己的气呢，我怀疑现在除了你之外，他听不进别人的话。"
　　"对啊，"我迫不及待地表示同意，"去看看贾斯帕。"
　　"你不妨做些有意义的事情。"爱丽丝补充道。
　　当我们联合起来反对他的时候，爱德华的眼睛眯了起来，但是，最后他马上点了点头，旋即小跑着从厨房的后门出去了。我确定从我划伤手指头的那一刻起他就没有吸过一口气。
　　一阵麻木、疲惫的感觉在我的胳膊上蔓延开来。尽管这消除了刺痛的感觉，却让我想起那道深深的伤疤，我端详着卡莱尔的脸，使自己不要注意他用手正在做的事情。他低着头专心地处理我胳膊上的伤口，头发在明亮的灯光下闪闪发光。我能感觉到激动的情绪隐隐约约地在我心中升起，但我下定决心不要让平时恶心的感觉战胜我的理智。现在没有疼痛了，只有我努力忽略的轻柔的牵引感。我没道理像个孩子似的感到难受。
　　要是爱丽丝没出现在我的视线中，我根本不会注意到她也放弃了，偷偷地跑出了房间。她嘴角带着些许歉意的笑容消失在厨房门口。
　　"好吧，每个人都这样，"我叹了叹气，"我会清扫房屋，至少要这样。"
　　"这不是你的错，"卡莱尔轻声地安慰我说，"这种事情会发生在每个人身上。"
　　"会，"我重复道，"但是这种事情老是发生在我身上。"
　　他又笑了起来。
　　他从容自若的反应与其他人的反应形成了惊人的强烈反差，我在他脸上找不到丝毫的焦虑。他的手敏捷自如、游刃有余地活动着。除了我们轻轻的呼吸声之外，房间里唯一的声音就是小小的玻璃碎片一片一片地落在桌子上时发出来的轻轻的"叮铃，叮铃"声。
　　"你是如何做到现在这样的？"我询问道，"甚至连爱丽丝和埃斯梅……"我的声音逐渐变小，好奇地摇着头。尽管其他人已经放弃了吸血鬼的传统食谱，其彻底程度和卡莱尔一样，但是卡莱尔是唯一能够忍受我的血液味道而不需承受抵抗强烈诱惑之苦的人。显然，这比他表现出来的要难得多。
　　"很多年，很多年操练的结果，"他告诉我，"我几乎闻不到这种味道了。"
　　"要是你从医院里长时间的休假，你认为会更难做到吗？要是周围没有任何血腥味？"
　　"或许吧，"他耸了耸肩，但是他的手还是很稳定，"我从来没觉得需要延长假期。"他冲着我露出一个灿烂的微笑，"我太喜欢我的工作了。"
　　叮铃，叮铃，叮铃。我惊讶地发现居然有那么多的玻璃碎片刺进了我的胳膊。我有种偷偷地看一眼桌上堆起来的玻璃碎片的冲动，只是想看看到底有多大一堆，但是我知道这个想法对我抵抗呕吐的策略没多少帮助。
　　"你到底喜欢做什么事情呢？"我好奇地问道。他一定经历了多年的挣扎和自我否定才做到轻松地承受住这种诱惑——而这些对我而言都没有意义。此外，我想让他一直说话；这样的谈话会使我的注意力从反胃上移开。
　　他回答我的时候，黝黑的眼眸流露出镇定自若，深思熟虑的神情来："呃，我最喜欢做的事情就是当我的……提高了的能力使我挽救他人，不然的话，他们就会丧命。多亏了我能做的事情，有些人的生活因为我的存在而变得更好，了解到这一点是很开心的事。很多时候，甚至连嗅觉也是一种有用的诊断工具。"他向一侧扬起嘴角，露出半个笑容。
　　他随意寻找着，以确保所有的玻璃碎片都被清理干净了，而我则仔细地思考着他说的话。接着他在他的工具包里到处翻找新工具，我努力不去注意针和线。
　　"你非常努力地弥补那些与你无关的过错，"当一种新的牵引感在我皮肤的边缘升起的时候，我间接地解释道，"我的意思是，并不是你自己想要成为这样的。你并没有自己选择这种生活，然而你却要如此努力地克制自己。"
　　"我不知道我在弥补什么，"他继续说道，语气中夹杂着些许不认同，"就像生活中的一切一样，只是我不得得确定该如何应对生活赠予我的一切。"
　　"这听起来太容易了。"
　　他再次检查了我的胳膊："好了，"他边说边剪断一根线，"全好了。"他把一种糖浆色的液体涂在创伤面上，形成一个超大的Q型图形。这种味道很奇怪，令我的头一阵眩晕。糖浆一样的东西在我的皮肤上留下一层颜色。
　　"尽管，在刚开始时，" 此时，卡莱尔又抽出一条长长的绷带牢固地绑在伤口上，然后紧紧地绑在我的皮肤上。我强调道："那么，你为什么会想要选择一条不同的道路而不选择更容易的生活方式呢？"
　　他噘起嘴巴，暗自微笑着说："难道爱德华没有告诉你这个故事吗？"
　　"他告诉过我，但是我努力想了解你当时是怎么想的……"
　　他的脸色顿时又严肃起来，我想知道他的思绪是否回到了和我想的一样的地方。我想知道在当时那种情况下我会怎么想——但我拒绝想如果——如果我是他的话。
　　"你知道我父亲是位牧师，"他一边打趣一边仔细地清理桌面，用湿纱布把上面的东西都擦下去，接着又这样做了一遍。酒精发出刺鼻的味道，"他的世界观相当严厉，在我还没有发生改变之前，我就开始质疑了。"卡莱尔把所有的脏纱布和玻璃银器倒进空的水晶碗里。我不明白他在做什么，甚至当他擦亮火柴的时候我还是没弄明白。接着他把火柴扔到被酒精浸湿的纤维上，突如其来的火焰吓了我一跳。
　　"对不起，"他道歉道，"这些东西理应这样处理……因此我并没有认同我父亲所信奉的那个教派，但是，自从我出生到现在四百年来，我从来都不曾看到过任何东西使我怀疑上帝是否以这种或那种形式存在。就连镜中的映像也没让我怀疑过。"
　　我假装检查我胳膊上的包扎以掩饰我对我们谈话往这个方向发展而感到的惊讶之情。在所有我想过的事情中，宗教是我万万没有想到的。在我自己的生活中，信仰是相当匮乏的，查理把自己当成路德派，因为他的父母是路德派教徒，但是星期天他会手中拿着钓鱼竿在河畔表示对神的崇拜。蕾妮也时不时地做礼拜，但是就像她对网球、陶瓷、瑜伽和法语的短暂爱好一样，在我还不知道她最新的爱好时她已经继续往前走了。
　　"我确信这一切从一个吸血鬼嘴里说出来听起来有些奇怪，"他咧嘴笑道，明白他们不经意地使用那个词语总会让我感到惊讶，"但是我希望这种生活仍然有一些意义，即使是对我们而言。这个目标很遥远，我承认，"他继续随意地说道，"就人们所认为的，我们无论怎样都注定永受灵魂的惩罚，但是我希望，或许有些傻，我们能通过努力获得一定程度的认同。"
　　"我认为那并不傻，"我低声说道，我无法想象任何人，包括神在内，不会对卡莱尔难以忘怀。此外，我能感激的唯一的天堂就应该包括爱德华在内，"我认为其他人也不会这么想。"
　　"实际上，你才是第一个认同我的观点的人。"
　　"其他人不这么想吗？"我惊讶地问道，脑子里只想到一个人。
　　卡莱尔又猜到我的想法："爱德华在一定程度上认同我的想法。我们都认为上帝和天堂是存在的……地狱也是存在的。但是他认为我们没有来生。"卡莱尔的声音非常温柔；他透过水槽上方的大窗户凝视着窗外黑漆漆的一片，说道，"你瞧，他认为我们失去了灵魂。"
　　我立马想到今天下午爱德华说过的话：除非你想要死——或者，不管我们做什么，都会造成这样的后果。电灯泡在我的额头上摇曳。
　　"这才是真正的问题，对不对？"我猜测道，"那就是为什么他总是为难我的原因。"
　　卡莱尔慢条斯理地说道："我看着我的……儿子，他的优点，他的善良，他身上散发出来的光彩——这一切都点燃了那种希望，那种信仰，比以前更加强烈。怎么能没有更多人像爱德华这样呢？"
　　我点点头，表现出强烈的认同。
　　"要是和他一样相信……"他深不可测的眼睛俯视着我，说道，"要是你和他一样相信，你会带走他的灵魂吗？"
　　他对这个问题的措辞令我无法回答。如果它是在我问是否愿意为了爱德华冒着失去灵魂的危险，答案是不言自明的。但是我能拿爱德华的灵魂冒险吗？我不高兴地噘起嘴巴，那不是平等交换。
　　"你明白了这个问题。"
　　我摇了摇头，意识到我紧绷着下巴。
　　卡莱尔叹了叹气。
　　"这是我的选择。"我坚持道。
　　"这也是他的选择，"他一明白我正要争论的时候就举起手来，说道，"无论他是否为发生那样的事情对你负有责任。"
　　"他并不是唯一有能力做到的人。"我若有所思地盯着卡莱尔。
　　他大笑起来，突然心情愉悦起来。"噢，别那样！你要和他一起解决这个问题。"就在那时，他又叹气了，"那是我永远也无法确定的问题。我想，在其他诸多方面，我已经尽我所能做到我能做到的了，但是使其他人也受到这种命运的谴责是合理的吗？我不能确定。"
　　我没有回答。我想象着如果卡莱尔拒绝改变他孤独的存在的诱惑，我的生活会是什么样的呢……我不禁颤栗起来。
　　"是爱德华的母亲让我下定决心的。"卡莱尔的声音低得如同窃窃私语一样，他没有注意到自己凝视着黑漆漆的窗外。
　　"他的母亲？"无论何时我问起爱德华的父母，他只是说他们在很久以前就去世了，他对他们的记忆很模糊。我意识到尽管他们的接触很短暂，卡莱尔对他们的记忆会相当清晰。
　　"是的，她的名字叫伊丽莎白，伊丽莎白·梅森。他的父亲老爱德华进了医院就再也没有苏醒过来。他在第一波流感中去世了，但是伊丽莎白直到临终前都还很警觉。爱德华非常像她——她的头发上也有一种同样奇怪的金色阴影，眼睛的颜色也是同样的绿色。"
　　"他的眼睛是绿色的？"我咕哝道，在脑海中想象着。
　　"是的……"卡莱尔黄褐色的眼睛看起来似乎离我有一百年那么遥远。"对儿子的担忧一直困扰着伊丽莎白，她冒着危及自己生存机会的危险在病床上照顾着他。我期望他会先她而去，他比他母亲的情况糟糕多了。当死神降临在她身上的时候，一切来得都非常快。就在日落之后，我赶到医院去替换工作了一整天的医生。那时候，要故作姿态是相当困难的——有那么多事情要做，我没有必要休息。当那么多人都奄奄一息时，我是多么讨厌回到自己的家里，躲在黑暗中，假装睡觉啊！"
　　"我首先过去检查伊丽莎白和她儿子。我逐渐动了感情——想到人性的脆弱，这样做总是很危险的。我立即意识到她的病情恶化了，高烧已经失去控制，她的身体太脆弱而不能再与病魔作斗争了。"
　　"不过，她从小床上抬头紧盯着我，看起来一点儿也不虚弱。"
　　""救救他！""她用她的喉咙仅能发出的沙哑声音请求我。
　　""我会尽我所能的，"我握着她的手答应她。她高烧得太厉害，或许她自己也没法弄清楚我的手是多么冰冷，其程度又是多么地不自然。对她而言，所有触碰到她皮肤的东西都是冰凉的。"
　　""你一定要……"她坚持要求我，她用力地紧紧抓住我的手，力量大得让我不禁想她是否能够渡过这一劫。"你一定要做你能做到的一切。其他人不能做到的，就是你必须为我的爱德华做的事情。""
　　"这令我感到恐惧，她用洞察一切的眼神看着我，有一瞬间，我确信她知道了我的秘密。接着高烧打垮了她，她再也没有恢复知觉。在她提出要求后不到一小时，她就去世了。"
　　"我花了几十年的时间考虑为自己创造一个同伴的念头，只是能够真正了解我的另一个生物，而不是我得假装成的样子，但是我从来没为自己这样做找到充分的理由——对别人做加诸在我身上的事情。"
　　"爱德华就躺在那里，奄奄一息，显然他只能活几个小时了。他的母亲躺在他的身旁，但她的脸庞不知何故并不平静，甚至在死后也没有露出平静的表情。"
　　卡莱尔又目睹了一切，他的记忆在历经百年之后还是那么清晰明了，好不模糊。我也能清楚地看到一切，当他娓娓道来时——弥漫在医院里的绝望气氛，压倒一切的死亡气息。爱德华因为高烧生命危在旦夕，随着钟摆上一分一秒地流逝，他的生命也在消逝……我再次颤栗了，用力地把这幅画面挤出脑海。
　　"伊丽莎白的话在我的脑海中回荡，她怎么能猜到我能做到的事情呢？有人真的会希望她的儿子变成那样吗？"
　　"我看着爱德华，他病得还是那样重，但是他仍然很美丽。他的脸上有种纯洁、美好的东西。我希望我自己的儿子能拥有他那样的脸庞。"
　　"在犹豫多年之后，我只不过按照自己一时的冲动做了这件事情。我首先把他的母亲推到太平间，接着我回到他身边。没有人注意到他仍一息尚存，医院里没有足够的人手，足够的眼睛了解病人们的些许需要。太平间里空空如也——至少，没有生命的气息。我从后门把他偷了出去，抱着他跨过屋顶跑回家。"
　　"我不确定该做什么，最后我重新创造了我得到的伤口，那是许多年前在伦敦发生的事情。后来，我为此感到很糟糕，那比需要承受的痛苦与纠缠更难受。"
　　"不过，我没感到抱歉，我从来没有因为挽救爱德华而感到后悔。"他摇了摇头，思绪回到了现在。卡莱尔对我微笑着说道："我想我应该送你回家了。"
　　"我来吧。"爱德华说道。他穿过光线朦胧的餐厅慢慢地向他走来，他的脸庞很光洁，却难以捉摸，但是他的眼神有些不对劲儿——流露出他正努力掩饰的某种神情。我感到一丝不安，心紧缩了一下。
　　"卡莱尔会送我回家。"我说道。低头看着我的衬衣；淡蓝色的棉布被血浸透，上面也布满血迹，右肩处挂满一层厚厚的粉红色糖霜。
　　"我很好，"爱德华的声音没有任何感情，"不管怎样，你需要换一换衣服，你这样子会令查理心脏病发作的。我会让爱丽丝给你找件衣服换上的。"他又大步流星地从厨房门走出去了。
　　我焦急地看着卡莱尔："他非常难过。"
　　"是啊，"卡莱尔也认为如此，"今晚发生的事情正是他最害怕的。你因为我们的身份而遭遇危险，险些丧命。"
　　"那不是他的错。"
　　"那也不是你的错。"
　　我把目光从他那睿智迷人的眼睛上移开，没法认同他的看法。
　　卡莱尔伸出手，搀扶着我从桌边站了起来，我跟着他走出厨房来到客厅。埃斯梅已经回来了；她正在擦我摔倒的地方——用漂白剂彻底地除去气味。
　　"埃斯梅，让我来做吧。"我能感到我的脸又红了。
　　"我已经做好了，"她仰望着我笑道，"你感觉怎么样？"
　　"我很好，"我宽慰她道，"卡莱尔比我见过的任何医生缝得都要快。"
　　他们俩都轻声地笑了起来。
　　爱丽丝和爱德华从后门进来了，爱丽丝匆忙地向我跑来，但是爱德华却望而却步，他的脸深不可测。
　　"来吧，"爱丽丝说道，"我来给你弄一件不那么恐怖的衣服换上。"
　　她给我找到一件埃斯梅的衬衣，衣服的颜色接近我身上穿的那件。查理不会注意到的，我确信。我身上不再溅满血滴的时候，胳膊上长长的白色绷带看起来就没那么严重了。查理从不会因为看到我身上有绷带而感到惊讶不已。
　　"爱丽丝。"当她朝门口走去的时候，我轻声喊道。
　　"有事吗？"她也压低音量，歪着头好奇地看着我。
　　"事情有多严重？"我不确定我的耳语是否是枉费心机。尽管我们在楼上，关着门，或许他还是能听见我说的话。
　　她满脸凝重："我还不确定。"
　　"贾斯帕怎么样啦？"
　　她叹气道："他为自己感到非常难过，这一切对他来说具有更大的挑战性，他很讨厌感到脆弱。"
　　"不是他的错。你告诉他我不生他的气，一点儿也不，好吗？"
　　"当然啦。"
　　爱德华站在前门口等我，当我来到最后一级楼梯时，他一句话也没说就把门打开了。
　　"带上你的东西！"当我疲惫地朝爱德华走过去时，爱丽丝在我身后叫道。她从地上拾起两个包裹，一个半开着，另一个是我的照相机，落在钢琴下面了，她把它们塞到我没受伤的那只手上。"你打开它们以后，晚些时候再谢谢我吧。"
　　埃斯梅和卡莱尔轻轻地说了声晚安。我能觉察到他们偷偷地瞥了眼他们不露声色的儿子，他和我差不多。
　　来到屋外是种解脱； 我匆忙地走过灯笼和玫瑰，现在它们不受欢迎地提醒着我。爱德华默默地跟随着我的步伐，他为我打开了乘客座的门，我没吱声儿毫无怨言地爬上车。
　　仪表板上是一根红色的丝带，系在新的立体声音响上。我把它拉了下来，扔到地面上，当爱德华从另一边上车的时候，我把丝带踢到了我的座椅下面。
　　他没有看我，也没有看音响。我们俩人都没有发动车，"轰隆隆"一声引擎发动了，突如其来的声音让弥漫在车里的沉默更加紧张了。他飞快地开过漆黑一片、蜿蜒崎岖的车道。
　　沉默令我快要发疯了。
　　"说点什么吧。"当他转弯开上高速公路的时候，我祈求道。
　　"你想要我说什么？"他冷漠地问道。
　　我在他的冷漠面前畏缩了："告诉我你原谅我了。"
　　这句话使他的脸上闪过片刻的生机——一阵愤怒："原谅你？为什么？"
　　"要是我更小心的话，什么事都不会发生。"
　　"贝拉，你不小心被纸弄破了手指——那根本不该接受死刑的惩罚。"
　　"还是我的错。"
　　我的话打开了他防守的闸门。
　　"你的错？要是你在迈克·牛顿家弄伤了手指，杰西卡、安吉拉和你其他正常的朋友们在一起的话，可能发生最糟糕的事情会是什么呢？可能他们没法给你找到绷带？要是你摔倒了，自己不小心跌倒在一堆玻璃盘子上面——而不是某个人把你推到那里去的话——就算那样，最糟糕的情况又会是什么呢？当他们开车送你去急诊室时你的血会流在椅子上？当医生们为你缝合伤口时，迈克·牛顿会握着你的手——而那时他也不会一直在那儿与要杀死你的冲动相搏斗。别想把这些都往你自己身上揽，贝拉。这只会让我更讨厌自己。"
　　"迈克·牛顿怎么会出现在我们的谈话中？"我质问道。
　　"迈克·牛顿出现在我们的谈话中是因为你跟迈克·牛顿在一起不知道要健康多少倍。"他咆哮道。
　　"我宁愿死也不要和迈克·牛顿在一起，"我争辩道，"除了你，我宁愿死也不要和其他人在一起。"
　　"别感情用事，求你了。"
　　"好吧，那么，请你别犯傻了。"
　　他没有回答，满眼怒火地望着挡风玻璃，脸色铁青。
　　我绞尽脑汁地想挽救今晚的一切，当我们在我家门口停下来的时候，我仍然没有想出什么办法。
　　他熄掉火，但是双手仍然紧紧地抓住方向盘。
　　"你今晚会留下来吗？"我问道。
　　"我要回家。"
　　我最不想发生的事情就是他沉浸在懊恼自责之中。
　　"就算为了我的生日，好吗？"我央求着他。
　　"你不能两样都要——要么你让人家忽略你的生日，要么你别那么做。两者只能取其一。"他的声音很严厉，但是没有先前那么严肃了。我默默地吸了口气，感到一阵欣慰。
　　"好吧，我决定了，我不想你忽略我的生日。我们楼上见。"
　　我跳了出来，伸手回去拿我的包裹，他皱起了眉头。
　　"你没必要拿那些东西。"
　　"我想要。"我想都没想就这样回答道，接着我想他是否心理正叛逆着呢。
　　"不，你别拿，卡莱尔和埃斯梅为你的生日花了钱。"
　　"我会记得的。"我笨拙地把礼物夹在我没受伤的那只胳膊下面，在身后把门关上了。他下了车，不一会儿就来到我身边了。
　　"至少让我拿着吧，"他把东西拿过去，说道，"我会来你房间的。"
　　我笑着说："谢谢。"
　　"生日快乐。"他叹息道，倾身用他的嘴巴吻住我的唇。
　　当他停下来的时候，我踮起脚尖使这个吻持续得更久一点儿。他脸上带着我最喜欢的不老实的笑容，接着消失在黑暗中。
　　比赛还在继续；我从前门一走进来就听见扬声器的声音在喧闹的人群中蔓延开来。
　　"是贝尔吗？"查理叫道。
　　"嗨，老爸。"我来到屋角的时候说道，把手贴进身旁。轻微的挤压引起灼热的疼痛，我皱了皱鼻子，麻醉药显然正在失去药效。
　　"玩得开心吗？"查理懒洋洋地躺在沙发上，双脚放在扶手上。他棕色的卷发被压平在一侧。
　　"爱丽丝有些过头了，有鲜花，蛋糕还有礼物——所有的东西都齐了。"
　　"他们送给你什么呢？"
　　"给我的卡车买了个立体音响。"还有许多不知道的礼物。
　　"喔！"
　　"是啊，"我也觉得是这样，"好了，我得去睡觉了。"
　　"你的胳膊怎么啦？"
　　我脸刷地一下红了，默默地诅咒道："我摔倒了，没什么大碍。"
　　"贝拉。"他摇了摇头，叹了口气说道。
　　"晚安，爸爸。"
　　我匆忙地跑到浴室，在那里我放着一套睡衣，专门为这样的晚上准备的。我扭动身子脱掉衣服，穿上配套的宽大上衣和棉质睡裤，我得换掉我平时睡觉时穿的多孔长裤，害怕翻身会拉动缝合线。我用一只手洗脸，刷牙，接着快速地跑进了我的卧室。
　　他坐在我的床中央，随意地把玩着两个银色盒子中的一个。
　　"嗨。"他跟我打了个招呼，声音很忧伤，情绪也很低落。
　　我爬上床，把他手中的礼物推到一边，爬到他的大腿上。
　　"嗨，"我依偎在他石头般坚硬的胸膛上，"我现在能打开礼物了吗？"
　　"你从哪里来的热情呢？"他问道。
　　"你让我感到好奇。"
　　我捡起那个长长的扁方盒，一定是卡莱尔和埃斯梅送的。
　　"让我来开吧。"他建议道，他从我手中接过礼物，熟练地撕开了银色的包装纸，接着把长方形的白色盒子递回到我手中。
　　"你确定我能打开盖子吗？"我咕哝道，但是他没理我。
　　盒子里面是一张长长的厚纸片，上面布满了精致的印记。我花了好一会儿功夫才领会到这个信息的精髓。
　　"我们要去杰克逊维尔 吗？"我兴奋不已，尽管只是我一厢情愿。这是机票的凭单，给我和爱德华的。
　　"他们是这么想的。"
　　"难以置信，蕾妮要高兴地跳起来了！不过，你不介意吧，是吗？那里阳光明媚，你一天到晚都要待在室内。"
　　"我想我能应付，"他说道，然后又皱起眉头，"如果我知道你能对礼物作出如此得体的反应，我就会让你在卡莱尔和埃斯梅面前打开它。我以为你会抱怨的。"
　　"好吧，当然这太过意不去了，但是我能和你一起去！"
　　他轻轻地笑了起来："现在我倒希望自己花钱给你买礼物了，我没意识到你也能做到理智行事。"
　　我把机票放在一边，伸手去拿他的礼物，我的好奇心又被重新点燃了。他从我手中拿过盒子，像打开前一个一样为我打开包装。
　　他递给我一张光亮的珠宝CD盒，里面有一张空白的银色CD。
　　"这是什么？"我满脸疑惑地问道。
　　他什么也没说，拿出CD，环抱住我把CD放进桌子边上的CD机里。他按了一下播放键，我们静静地等待着。接着音乐响起了。
　　我聆听着，一言不发，两只眼睛睁得大大的。我知道他在等待我的反应，但是我不能言语。眼泪夺眶而出，在眼泪再次流出来之前我用手擦掉泪水。
　　"你的胳膊疼吗？"他焦急地问道。
　　"不疼，不是我胳膊的原因，它太美了，爱德华，这是你给我的最好的礼物。真难以置信！"我闭上嘴巴，静静地聆听着。
　　那是他的音乐，他自己创作的。CD上的第一支曲子是我的摇篮曲。
　　"我想你不会允许我买台钢琴给你的，不然的话我可以在这里给你弹。"他解释道。
　　"你说对了。"
　　"你的胳膊感觉如何？"
　　"还好。"实际上，它已经在绷带下面发出灼痛起来了。我想要冰块。我本来可以用他的手的，但是那样就会出卖我。
　　"我去给你拿点儿泰诺 。"
　　"我什么也不要。"我争辩道，但是他把我轻轻地推下他的膝盖，朝门口走去。
　　"查理。"我嘘声道。查理并不是很清楚爱德华经常在这里过夜。实际上，要是这件事情被他发现的话，他会心脏病发作的。但是我并不为欺骗他而感到内疚。这件事和他不要我做的那些事情不一样。爱德华和他的规定……
　　"他不会注意到我的。"爱德华消失在门边时轻轻地答应道……他很快回来了，在门碰到门框之前一把抓住了它。他从浴室里拿来一只杯子，一只手里握着一瓶药丸。
　　我什么话都没说就服下了他递给我的药——我知道我说不过他；而我的胳膊真的开始让我难受起来了。
　　我的摇篮曲仍在独自继续，它是那么轻柔，那么动人。
　　"很晚了。"爱德华说道，他用一只胳膊把我从床上抱起，用另一只手掀开床罩，接着把我的头放在枕头上，把我身边的被子掖好，然后在我身旁躺下来——他躺在毯子上，这样我就不会感到颤栗了——但却把胳膊放在我身上。
　　我把头靠在他的肩膀上，开心地叹着气。
　　"再次感谢你。"我对他耳语道。
　　"不客气。"
　　我聆听着我的摇篮曲直到它慢慢地结束，这是一段相当长的时间。另一支曲子又响了起来，我听出来这是埃斯梅最喜欢的曲子。
　　"你在想什么？"我轻声地问道。
　　他迟疑了一下，告诉我："实际上，我在想对与错。"
　　一阵冰冷的感觉穿透我的脊椎。
　　"还记得我是如何要你不要忽略我的生日的吗？"我迅速地问道，希望我试图转移他的注意力的动机不是那么明显。
Chapter 3 The End
I FELT ABSOLUTELY HIDEOUS IN THE MORNING. I HADN'T slept well; my arm burned andmy head ached. It didn't help my outlook that Edward's face was smooth and remote as he kissed myforehead quickly and ducked out my window. I was afraid of the time I'd spent unconscious, afraid thathe might have been thinking about right and wrong again while he watched me sleep. The anxiety seemedto ratchet up the intensity of the pounding in my head.
　　Edward was waiting for me at school, as usual, but his face was still wrong. There was something buriedin his eyes that I couldn't be sure of—and it scared me. I didn't want to bring up last night, but I wasn'tsure if avoiding the subject would be worse.
　　He opened my door for me.
　　"How do you feel?""Perfect," I lied, cringing as the sound of the slamming door echoed in my head.
　　We walked in silence, he shortening his stride to match mine. There were so many questions I wanted toask, but most of those questions would have to wait, because chey were for Alice: How was Jasper thismorning? What had they said when I was gone? What had Rosalie said? And most importantly, whatcould she see happening now in her strange, imperfect visions of the future? Could she guess whatEdward was thinking, why he was so gloomy? Was there a foundation for the tenuous, instinctive fearsthat I couldn't seem to shake?
　　The morning passed slowly. I was impatient to see Alice, though I wouldn't be able to really talk to herwith Edward there. Edward remained aloof. Occasionally he would ask about my arm, and I would lie.
　　Alice usually beat us to lunch; she didn't have to keep pace with a sloth like me. But she wasn't at thetable, waiting with a tray of food she wouldn't eat.
　　Edward didn't say anything about her absence. I wondered to myself if her class was running late—until Isaw Conner and Ben, who were in her fourth hour French class.
　　"Where's Alice?" I asked Edward anxiously.
　　He looked at the granola bar he was slowly pulverizing between his fingertips while he answered. "She'swith Jasper.""Is he okay?""He's gone away for a while.""What? Where?"Edward shrugged. "Nowhere in particular.""And Alice, too," I said with quiet desperation. Of course, if Jasper needed her, she would go.
　　"Yes. She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali."Denali was where the one other band of unique vampires—good ones like the Cullens—lived. Tanya and her family. I'd heard of them now and again. Edward had run to them last winter when my arrival hadmade Forks difficult for him. Laurent, the most civilized member of James's little coven, had gone thererather than siding with James against the Cullens. It made sense for Alice to encourage Jasper to gothere.
　　I swallowed, trying to dislodge the sudden lump in my throat. The guilt made my head bow and myshoulders slump. I'd run them out of their home, just like Rosalie and Emmett. I was a plague.
　　"Is your arm bothering you?" he asked solicitously.
　　"Who cares about my stupid arm?" I muttered in disgust.
　　He didn't answer, and I put my head down on the table.
　　By the end of the day, the silence was becoming ridiculous. I didn't want to be the one to break it, butapparently that was my only choice if I ever wanted him to talk to me again.
　　"You'll come over later tonight?" I asked as he walked me—silently—to my truck. He always came over.
　　"Later?"It pleased me that he seemed surprised. "I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to getyesterday off.""Oh," he murmured.
　　"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" I hated that I felt suddenly unsure about this.
　　"If you want me to.""I always want you," I reminded him, with perhaps a little more intensity than the conversation required.
　　I expected he would laugh, or smile, or react somehow to my words.
　　"All right, then," he said indifferently.
　　He kissed my forehead again before he shut the door on me. Then he turned his back and lopedgracefully toward his car.
　　I was able to drive out of the parking lot before the panic really hit, but I was hyperventilating by the timeI got to Newton's.
　　He just needed time, I told myself. He would get over this. Maybe he was sad because his family wasdisappearing. But Alice and Jasper would come back soon, and Rosalie and Emmett, too. If it wouldhelp, I would stay away from the big white house on the river—I'd never set foot there again. That didn'tmatter. I'd still see Alice at school. She would have to come back for school, right? And she was at myplace all the time anyway. She wouldn't want to hurt Charlie's feelings by staying away.
　　No doubt I would also run into Carlisle with regularity—in the emergency room.
　　After all, what had happened last night was nothing. Nothing had happened. So I fell down—that wasthe story of my life. Compared to last spring, it seemed especially unimportant. James had left me brokenand nearly dead from loss of blood—and yet Edward had handled the interminable weeks in the hospitalmuch better than this. Was it because, this time, it wasn't an enemy he'd had to protect me from?
　　Because it was his brother?
　　 Maybe it would be better if he took me away, rather than his family being scattered. I grew slightly lessdepressed as I considered all the uninterrupted alone time. If he could just last through the school year,Charlie wouldn't be able to object. We could go away to college, or pretend that's what we were doing,like Rosalie and Emmett this year. Surely Edward could wait a year. What was a year to an immortal? Itdidn't even seem like that much to me.
　　I was able to talk myself into enough composure to handle getting out of the truck and walking to thestore. Mike Newton had beaten me here today, and he smiled and waved when I came in. I grabbed myvest, nodding vaguely in his direction. I was still imagining pleasant scenarios that consisted of me runningaway with Edward to various exotic locales.
　　Mike interrupted my fantasy. "How was your birthday?""Ugh," I mumbled. "I'm glad it's over."Mike looked at me from the corners of his eyes like I was crazy.
　　Work dragged. I wanted to see Edward again, praying that he would be past the worst of this, whateverit was exactly, by the time I saw him again. It's nothing, I told myself over and over again. Everything willgo back to normal.
　　The relief I felt when I turned onto my street and saw Edward's silver car parked in front of my housewas an overwhelming, heady thing. And it bothered me deeply that it should be that way.
　　I hurried through the front door, calling out before I was completely inside.
　　"Dad? Edward?"As I spoke, I could hear the distinctive theme music from ESPN's SportsCenter coming from the livingroom.
　　"In here," Charlie called.
　　I hung my raincoat on its peg and hurried around the corner.
　　Edward was in the armchair, my father on the sofa. Both had their eyes trained on the TV. The focus wasnormal for my father. Not so much for Edward.
　　"Hi," I said weakly.
　　"Hey, Bella," my father answered, eyes never moving. "We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on thetable.""Okay."I waited in the doorway. Finally, Edward looked over at me with a polite smile. "I'll be right behind you,"he promised. His eyes strayed back to the TV.
　　I stared for another minute, shocked. Neither one seemed to notice. I could feel something, panic maybe,building up in my chest. I escaped to the kitchen.
　　The pizza held no interest for me. I sat in my chair, pulled my knees up, and wrapped my arms aroundthem. Something was very wrong, maybe more wrong than I'd realized. The sounds of male bonding andbanter continued from the TV set.
　　 I tried to get control of myself, to reason with myself.
　　What's the worst that can happen? I flinched. That was definitely the wrong question to ask. I washaving a hard time breathing right.
　　Okay, I thought again, what's the worst I can live through? I didn't like that question so much, either.
　　But I thought through the possibilities I'd considered today.
　　Staying away from Edward's family. Of course, he wouldn't expect Alice to be part of that. But if Jasperwas off limits, that would lessen the time I could have with her. I nodded to myself—I could live withthat.
　　Or going away. Maybe he wouldn't want to wait till the end of the school year, maybe it would have tobe now.
　　In front of me, on the table, my presents from Charlie and Renee were where I had left them, the cameraI hadn't had the chance to use at the Cullens' sitting beside the album. I touched the pretty cover of thescrapbook my mother had given me, and sighed, thinking of Renee. Somehow, living without her for aslong as I had did not make the idea of a more permanent separation easier. And Charlie would be left allalone here, abandoned. They would both be so hurt…But we'd come back, right? We'd visit, of course, wouldn't we?
　　I couldn't be certain about the answer to that.
　　I leaned my cheek against my knee, staring at the physical tokens of my parents' love. I'd known this pathI'd chosen was going to be hard. And, after all, I was thinking about the worst-case scenario—the veryworst I could live through.
　　I touched the scrapbook again, flipping the front cover over. Little metal corners were already in place tohold the first picture. It wasn't a half-bad idea, to make some record of my life here. I felt a strange urgeto get started. Maybe I didn't have that long left in Forks.
　　I toyed with the wrist strap on the camera, wondering about the first picture on the roll. Could it possiblyturn out anything close to the original? I doubted it. But he didn't seem worried that it would be blank. Ichuckled to myself, thinking of his carefree laughter last night. The chuckle died away. So much hadchanged, and so abruptly. It made me feel a little bit dizzy, like I was standing on an edge, a precipicesomewhere much too high.
　　I didn't want to think about that anymore. I grabbed the camera and headed up the stairs.
　　My room hadn't really changed all that much in the seventeen years since my mother had been here. Thewalls were still light blue, the same yellowed lace curtains hung in front of the window. There was a bed,rather than a crib, but she would recognize the quilt draped untidily over the top—it had been a gift ROMGran.
　　Regardless, I snapped a picture of my room. There wasn't much else I could do tonight—it was too darkoutside—and the feeling was growing stronger, it was almost a compulsion now. I would recordeverything about Forks before I had to leave it.
　　Change was coming. I could feel it. It wasn't a pleasant prospect, not when life was perfect the way itwas.
　　I took my time coming back down the stairs, camera in hand, trying to ignore the butterflies in my stomach as I thought of the strange distance I didn't want to see in Edward's eyes. He would get overthis. Probably he was worried that I would be upset when he asked me to leave. I would let him workthrough it without meddling. And I would be prepared when he asked.
　　I had the camera ready as I leaned around the corner, being sneaky. I was sure there was no chance thatI had caught Edward by surprise, but he didn't look up. I felt a brief shiver as something icy twisted in mystomach; I ignored that and took the picture.
　　They both looked at me then. Charlie frowned. Edward's face was empty, expressionless.
　　"What are you doing, Bella?" Charlie complained.
　　"Oh, come on." I pretended to smile as I went to sit on the floor in front of the sofa where Charlielounged. "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to workbefore she can get her feelings hurt.""Why are you taking pictures of me, though?" he grumbled.
　　"Because you're so handsome," I replied, keeping it light. "And because, since you bought the camera,you're obligated to be one of my subjects."He mumbled something unintelligible.
　　"Hey, Edward," I said with admirable indifference. "Take one of me and my dad together."I threw the camera toward him, carefully avoiding his eyes, and knelt beside the arm of the sofa whereCharlie's face was. Charlie sighed.
　　"You need to smile, Bella," Edward murmured.
　　I did my best, and the camera flashed.
　　"Let me take one of you kids," Charlie suggested. I knew he was just trying to shift the camera's focusfromhimself.
　　Edward stood and lightly tossed him the camera.
　　I went to stand beside Edward, and the arrangement felt formal and strange to me. He put one handlightly on my shoulder, and I wrapped my arm more securely around his waist. I wanted to look at hisface, but I was afraid to.
　　"Smile, Bella," Charlie reminded me again.
　　I took a deep breath and smiled. The flash blinded me.
　　"Enough pictures for tonight," Charlie said then, shoving the camera into a crevice of the sofa cushionsand rolling over it. "You don't have to use the whole roll now."Edward dropped his hand from my shoulder and twisted casually out of my arm. He sat back down inthe armchair.
　　I hesitated, and then went to sit against the sofa again. I was suddenly so frightened that my hands wereshaking. I pressed them into my stomach to hide them, put my chin on my knees and stared at the TVscreen in front of me, seeing nothing.
　　 When the show ended, I hadn't moved an inch. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward stand.
　　"I'd better get home," he said.
　　Charlie didn't look up from the commercial. "See ya."I got awkwardly to my feet—I was stiff from sitting so still—and followed Edward out the front door. Hewent straight to his car.
　　"Will you stay?" I asked, no hope in my voice.
　　I expected his answer, so it didn't hurt as much.
　　"Not tonight."I didn't ask for a reason.
　　He got in his car and drove away while I stood there, unmoving. I barely noticed that it was raining. Iwaited, without knowing what I waited for, until the door opened behind me.
　　"Bella, what are you doing?" Charlie asked, surprised to see me standing there alone and dripping.
　　"Nothing." I turned and trudged back to the house.
　　It was a long night, with little in the way of rest.
　　I got up as soon as there was a faint light outside my window. I dressed for school mechanically, waitingfor the clouds to brighten. When I had eaten a bowl of cereal, I decided that it was light enough forpictures. I took one of my truck, and then the front of the house. I turned and snapped a few of the forestby Charlie's house. Funny how it didn't seem sinister like it used to. I realized I would miss this—thegreen, the timelessness, the mystery of the woods. All of it.
　　I put the camera in my school bag before I left. I tried to concentrate on my new project rather than thefact that Edward apparently hadn't gotten over things during the night.
　　Along with the fear, I was beginning to feel impatience. How long could this last?
　　It lasted through the morning. He walked silently beside me, never seeming to actually look at me. I triedto concentrate on my classes, but not even English could hold my attention. Mr. Berty had to repeat hisquestion about Lady Capulet twice before I realized he was talking to me. Edward whispered the correctanswer under his breath and then went back to ignoring me.
　　At lunch, the silence continued. I felt like I was going to start screaming at any moment, so, to distractmyself, I leaned across the table's invisible line and spoke to Jessica.
　　"Hey, Jess?""What's up, Bella?""Could you do me a favor?" I asked, reaching into my bag. "My mom wants me to get some pictures ofmy friends for a scrapbook. So, take some pictures of everybody, okay?"I handed her the camera.
　　"Sure," she said, grinning, and turned to snap a candid shot of Mike with his mouth full.
　　 A predictable picture war ensued. I watched them hand the camera around the table, giggling and flirtingand complaining about being on film. It seemed strangely childish. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood fornormal human behavior today.
　　"Uh-oh," Jessica said apologetically as she returned the camera. "I think we used all your film.""That's okay. I think I already got pictures of everything else I needed."After school, Edward walked me back to the parking lot in silence. I had to work again, and for once, Iwas glad. Time with me obviously wasn't helping things. Maybe time alone would be better.
　　I dropped my film off at the Thriftway on my way to Newton's, and then picked up the developedpictures after work. At home, I said a brief hi to Charlie, grabbed a granola bar from the kitchen, andhurried up to my room with the envelope of photographs tucked under my arm.
　　I sat in the middle of my bed and opened the envelope with wary curiosity. Ridiculously, I still halfexpected the first print to be a blank.
　　When I pulled it out, I gasped aloud. Edward looked just as beautiful as he did in real life, staring at meout of the picture with the warm eyes I'd missed for the past few days. It was almost uncanny that anyonecould look so… so… beyond description. No thousand words could equal this picture.
　　I flipped through the rest of the stack quickly once, and then laid three of them out on the bed side byside.
　　The first was the picture of Edward in the kitchen, his warm eyes touched with tolerant amusement. Thesecond was Edward and Charlie, watching ESPN. The difference in Edward's expression was severe.
　　His eyes were careful here, reserved. Still breathtakingly beautiful, but his face was colder, more like asculpture, less alive.
　　The last was the picture of Edward and me standing awkwardly side by side. Edward's face was thesame as the last, cold and statue-like. But that wasn't the most troubling part of this photograph. Thecontrast between the two of us was painful. He looked like a god. I looked very average, even for ahuman, almost shamefully plain. I flipped the picture over with a feeling of disgust.
　　Instead of doing my homework, I stayed up to put my pictures into the album. With a ballpoint pen Iscrawled captions under all the pictures, the names and the dates. I got to the picture of Edward and me,and, without looking at it too long, I folded it in half and stuck it under the metal tab, Edward-side up.
　　When I was done, I stuffed the second set of prints in a fresh envelope and penned a long thank-youletter to Renee.
　　Edward still hadn't come over. I didn't want to admit that he was the reason I'd stayed up so late, but ofcourse he was. I tried to remember the last time he'd stayed away like this, without an excuse, a phonecall… He never had.
　　Again, I didn't sleep well.
　　School followed the silent, frustrating, terrifying pattern of the last two days. I felt relief when I sawEdward waiting for me in the parking lot, but it faded quickly. He was no different, unless maybe moreremote.
　　It was hard to even remember the reason for all this mess. My birthday already felt like the distant past. Ifonly Alice would come back. Soon. Before this got any more out of hand.
　　 But I couldn't count on that. I decided that, if I couldn't talk to him today, really talk, then I was going tosee Carlisle tomorrow. I had to do something.
　　After school, Edward and I were going to talk it out, I promised myself. I wasn't accepting any excuses.
　　He walked me to my truck, and I steeled myself to make my demands.
　　"Do you mind if I come over today?" he asked before we got to the truck, beating me to the punch.
　　"Of course not.""Now?" he asked again, opening my door for me.
　　"Sure," I kept my voice even, though I didn't like the urgency in his tone. "I was just going to drop a letterfor Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."He looked at the fat envelope on the passenger seat. Suddenly, he reached over me and snagged it.
　　"I'll do it," he said quietly. "And I'll still beat you there." He smiled my favorite crooked smile, but it waswrong. It didn't reach his eyes.
　　"Okay," I agreed, unable to smile back. He shut the door, and headed toward his car.
　　He did beat me home. He was parked in Charlie's spot when I pulled up in front of the house. That wasa bad sign. He didn't plan to stay, then. I shook my head and took a deep breath, trying to locate somecourage.
　　He got out of his car when I stepped out of the truck, and came to meet me. He reached to take mybook bag from me. That was normal. But he shoved it back onto the seat. That was not normal.
　　"Come for a walk with me," he suggested in an unemotional voice, taking my hand.
　　I didn't answer. I couldn't think of a way to protest, but I instantly knew that I wanted to. I didn't likethis. This is bad, this is very bad, the voice in my head repeated again and again.
　　But he didn't wait for an answer. He pulled me along toward the east side of the yard, where the forestencroached. I followed unwillingly, trying to think through the panic. It was what I wanted, I remindedmyself. The chance to talk it all through. So why was the panic choking me?
　　We'd gone only a few steps into the trees when he stopped. We were barely on the trail—I could stillsee the house.
　　Some walk.
　　Edward leaned against a tree and stared at me, his expression unreadable.
　　"Okay, let's talk," I said. It sounded braver than it felt.
　　He took a deep breath.
　　"Bella, we're leaving."I took a deep breath, too. This was an acceptable option. I thought I was prepared. But I still had to ask.
　　"Why now? Another year—" "Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty,and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."His answer confused me. I thought the point of leaving was to let his family live in peace. Why did wehave to leave if they were going? I stared at him, trying to understand what he meant.
　　He stared back coldly.
　　With a roll of nausea, I realized I'd misunderstood.
　　"When you say we—," I whispered.
　　"I mean my family and myself." Each word separate and distinct.
　　I shook my head back and forth mechanically, trying to clear it. He waited without any sign ofimpatience. It took a few minutes before I could speak.
　　"Okay," I said. "I'll come with you.""You can't, Bella. Where we're going… It's not the right place for you.""Where you are is the right place for me.""I'm no good for you, Bella.""Don't be ridiculous." I wanted to sound angry, but it just sounded like I was begging. "You're the verybest part of my life.""My world is not for you," he said grimly.
　　"What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!""You're right," he agreed. "It was exactly what was to be expected.""You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—""As long as that was best for you," he interrupted to correct me.
　　"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" I shouted, furious, the words exploding out of me—somehow it stillsounded like a plea. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can havemy soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"He took a deep breath and stared, unseeingly, at the ground for a long moment. His mouth twisted thetiniest bit. When he finally looked up, his eyes were different, harder—like the liquid gold had frozensolid.
　　"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes onmy face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.
　　There was a pause as I repeated the words in my head a few times, sifting through them for their realintent.
　　"You… don't… want me?" I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in thatorder.
　　"No." I stared, uncomprehending, into his eyes. He stared back without apology. His eyes were liketopaz—hard and clear and very deep. I felt like I could see into them for miles and miles, yet nowhere inrheir bottomless depths could I see a contradiction to the word he'd spoken.
　　"Well, that changes things." I was surprised by how calm and reasonable my voice sounded. It must bebecause I was so numb. I couldn't realize what he was telling me. It still didn't make any sense.
　　He looked away into the trees as he spoke again. "Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But whathappened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… tired of pretendingto be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." He looked back, and the icy planes of his perfect facewere not human. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that.""Don't." My voice was just a whisper now; awareness was beginning to seep through me, trickling likeacid through my veins. "Don't do this."He just stared at me, and I could see from his eyes that my words were far too late. He already had.
　　"You're not good for me, Bella." He turned his earlier words around, and so I had no argument. Howwell I knew that I wasn't good enough for him.
　　I opened my mouth to say something, and then closed it again. He waited patiently, his face wiped cleanof all emotion. I tried again.
　　"If… that's what you want."He nodded once.
　　My whole body went numb. I couldn't feel anything below the neck.
　　"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," he said.
　　I wonder what he saw on my face, because something flickered across his own face in response. But,before I could identify it, he'd composed his features into the same serene mask.
　　"Anything," I vowed, my voice faintly stronger.
　　As I watched, his frozen eyes melted. The gold became liquid again, molten, burning down into mine withan intensity that was overwhelming.
　　"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," he ordered, no longer detached. "Do you understand what I'msaying?"I nodded helplessly.
　　His eyes cooled, the distance returned. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care ofyourself—for him."I nodded again. "I will," I whispered.
　　He seemed to relax just a little.
　　"And I'll make you a promise in return," he said. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. Iwon't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life withoutany more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." My knees must have started to shake, because the trees were suddenly wobbling. I could hear the bloodpounding faster than normal behind my ears. His voice sounded farther away.
　　He smiled gently. "Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals allwounds for your kind.""And your memories?" I asked. It sounded like there was something stuck in my throat, like I waschoking.
　　"Well"—he hesitated for a short second—"I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted."He smiled; the smile was tranquil and it did not touch his eyes.
　　He took a step away from me. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."The plural caught my attention. That surprised me; I would have thought I was beyond noticing anything.
　　"Alice isn't coming back," I realized. I don't know how he heard me—the words made no sound—but heseemed to understand.
　　He shook his head slowly, always watching my face.
　　"No. They're all gone. I staved behind to tell you goodbye.""Alice is gone?" My voice was blank with disbelief.
　　"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."I was dizzy; it was hard to concentrate. His words swirled around in my head, and I heard the doctor atthe hospital in Phoenix, last spring, as he showed me the X-rays. You can see it's a clean break, hisfinger traced along the picture of my severed bone. That's good. It will heal more easily, more quickly.
　　I tried to breathe normally. I needed to concentrate, to find a way out of this nightmare.
　　"Goodbye, Bella," he said in the same quiet, peaceful voice.
　　"Wait!" I choked out the word, reaching for him, willing my deadened legs to carry me forward.
　　I thought he was reaching for me, too. But his cold hands locked around my wrists and pinned them tomy sides. He leaned down, and pressed his lips very lightly to my forehead for the briefest instant. Myeyes closed.
　　"Take care of yourself," he breathed, cool against my skin.
　　There was a light, unnatural breeze. My eyes flashed open. The leaves on a small vine maple shudderedwith the gentle wind of his passage.
　　He was gone.
　　With shaky legs, ignoring the fact that my action was useless, I followed him into the forest. The evidenceof his path had disappeared instantly. There were no footprints, the leaves were still again, but I walkedforward without thinking. I could not do anything else. I had to keep moving. If I stopped looking forhim, it was over.
　　Love, life, meaning… over.
　　 I walked and walked. Time made no sense as I pushed slowly through the thick undergrowth. It washours passing, but also only seconds. Maybe it felt like time had frozen because the forest looked thesame no matter how far I went. I started to worry that I was traveling in a circle, a very small circle atthat, but I kept going. I stumbled often, and, as it grew darker and darker, I fell often, too.
　　Finally, I tripped over something—it was black now, I had no idea what caught my foot—and I stayeddown. I rolled onto my side, so that I could breathe, and curled up on the wet bracken.
　　As I lay there, I had a feeling that more time was passing than I realized. I couldn't remember how long ithad been since nightfall. Was it always so dark here at night? Surely, as a rule, some little bit of moonlightwould filter down through the clouds, through the chinks in the canopy of trees, and find the ground.
　　Not tonight. Tonight the sky was utterly black. Perhaps there was no moon tonight—a lunar eclipse, anew moon.
　　A new moon. I shivered, though I wasn't cold.
　　It was black for a long time before I heard them calling.
　　Someone was shouting my name. It was muted, muffled by the wet growth that surrounded me, but itwas definitely my name. I didn't recognize the voice. I thought about answering, but I was dazed, and ittook a long time to come to the conclusion that I should answer. By then, the calling had stopped.
　　Sometime later, the rain woke me up. I don't think I'd really fallen asleep; I was just lost in an unthinkingstupor, holding with all my strength to the numbness that kept me from realizing what I didn't want toknow.
　　The rain bothered me a little. It was cold. I unwrapped my arms from around my legs to cover my face.
　　It was then that I heard the calling again. It was farther away this time, and sometimes it sounded likeseveral voices were calling at once. I tried to breathe deeply. I remembered that I should answer, but Ididn't think they would be able to hear me. Would I be able to shout loud enough?
　　Suddenly, there was another sound, startlingly close. A kind of snuffling, an animal sound. It sounded big.
　　I wondered if I should feel afraid. I didn't—just numb. It didn't matter. The snuffling went away.
　　The rain continued, and I could feel the water pooling up against my cheek. I was trying to gather thestrength to turn my head when I saw the light.
　　At first it was just a dim glow reflecting off the bushes in the distance. It grew brighter and brighter,illuminating a large space unlike the focused beam of a flashlight. The light broke through the closestbrush, and I could see that it was a propane lantern, but that was all I could see—the brightness blindedme for a moment.
　　"Bella."The voice was deep and unfamiliar, but full of recognition. He wasn't calling my name to search, he wasacknowledging that I was found.
　　I stared up—impossibly high it seemed—at the dark face that I could now see above me. I was vaguelyaware that the stranger probably only looked so tall because my head was still on the ground.
　　"Have you been hurt?" I knew the words meant something, but I could only stare, bewildered. How could the meaning matter atthis point?
　　"Bella, my name is Sam Uley."There was nothing familiar about his name.
　　"Charlie sent me to look for you."Charlie? That struck a chord, and I tried to pay more attention to what he was saying. Charlie mattered,if nothing else did.
　　The tall man held out a hand. I gazed at it, not sure what I was supposed to do.
　　His black eyes appraised me for a second, and then he shrugged. In a quick and supple notion, he pulledme up from the ground and into his arms.
　　I hung there, limp, as he loped swiftly through the wet forest. Some part of me knew this should upsetme—being carried away by a stranger. But there was nothing left in me to upset.
　　It didn't seem like too much time passed before there were lights and the deep babble of many malevoices. Sam Uley slowed as he approached the commotion.
　　"I've got her!" he called in a booming voice.
　　The babble ceased, and then picked up again with more intensity. A confusing swirl of faces moved overme. Sam's voice was the only one that made sense in the chaos, perhaps because my ear was against hischest.
　　"No, I don't think she's hurt," he told someone. "She just keeps saying 'He's gone.' "Was I saying that out loud? I bit down on my lip.
　　"Bella, honey, are you all right?"That was one voice I would know anywhere—even distorted, as it was now, with worry.
　　"Charlie?" My voice sounded strange and small.
　　"I'm right here, baby."There was a shifting under me, followed by the leathery smell of my dad's sheriff jacket. Charliestaggered under my weight.
　　"Maybe I should hold on to her," Sam Uley suggested.
　　"I've got her," Charlie said, a little breathless.
　　He walked slowly, struggling. I wished I could tell him to put me down and let me walk, but I couldn'tfind my voice.
　　There were lights everywhere, held by the crowd walking with him. It felt like a parade. Or a funeralprocession. I closed my eyes.
　　"We're almost home now, honey," Charlie mumbled now and then.
　　 I opened my eyes again when I heard the door unlock. We were on the porch of our house, and the talldark man named Sam was holding the door for Charlie, one arm extended toward us, as if he waspreparing to catch me when Charlie's arms failed.
　　But Charlie managed to get me through the door and to the couch in the living room.
　　"Dad, I'm all wet," I objected feebly.
　　"That doesn't matter." His voice was gruff. And then he was talking to someone else. "Blankets are in thecupboard at the top of the stairs.""Bella?" a new voice asked. I looked at the gray-haired man leaning over me, and recognition came aftera few slow seconds.
　　"Dr. Gerandy?" I mumbled.
　　"That's right, dear," he said. "Are you hurt, Bella?"It took me a minute to think that through. I was confused by the memory of Sam Uley's similar questionin the woods. Only Sam had asked something else: Have you been hurt? he'd said. The differenceseemed significant somehow.
　　Dr. Gerandy was waiting. One grizzled eyebrow rose, and the wrinkles on his forehead deepened.
　　"I'm not hurt," I lied. The words, were true enough for what he'd asked.
　　His warm hand touched my forehead, and his fingers pressed against the inside of my wrist. I watched hislips as he counted to himself, his eyes on his watch.
　　"What happened to you?" he asked casually.
　　I froze under his hand, tasting panic in the back of my throat.
　　"Did you get lost in the woods?" he prodded. I was aware of several other people listening. Three tallmen with dark faces—from La Push, the Quileute Indian reservation down on the coastline, Iguessed—Sam Uley among them, were standing very close together and staring at me. Mr. Newton wasthere with Mike and Mr. Weber, Angela's father; they all were watching me more surreptitiously than thestrangers. Other deep voices rumbled from the kitchen and outside the front door. Half the town musthave been looking for me.
　　Charlie was the closest. He leaned in to hear my answer.
　　"Yes," I whispered. "I got lost."The doctor nodded, thoughtful, his fingers probing gently against the glands under my jaw. Charlie's facehardened.
　　"Do you feel tired?" Dr. Gerandy asked.
　　I nodded and closed my eyes obediently.
　　"I don't think there's anything wrong with her," I heard the doctor mutter to Charlie after a moment. "Justexhaustion. Let her sleep it off, and I'll come check on her tomorrow," he paused. He must have lookedat his watch, because he added, "Well, later today actually." There was a creaking sound as they both pushed off from the couch to get to their feet.
　　"Is it true?" Charlie whispered. Their voices were farther away now. I strained to hear. "Did they leave?""Dr. Cullen asked us not to say anything," Dr. Gerandy answered. "The offer was very sudden; they hadto choose immediately. Carlisle didn't want to make a big production out of leaving.""A little warning might have been nice," Charlie grumbled.
　　Dr. Gerandy sounded uncomfortable when he replied. "Yes, well, in this situation, some warning mighthave been called for."I didn't want to listen anymore. I felt around for the edge of the quilt someone had laid on top of me, andpulled it over my ear.
　　I drifted in and out of alertness. I heard Charlie whisper thanks to the volunteers as, one by one, they left.
　　I felt his fingers on my forehead, and then the weight of another blanket. The phone rang a few times, andhe hurried to catch it before it could wake me. He muttered reassurances in a low voice to the callers.
　　"Yeah, we found her. She's okay. She got lost. She's fine now," he said again and again.
　　I heard the springs in the armchair groan when he settled himself in for the night.
　　A few minutes later, the phone rang again.
　　Charlie moaned as he struggled to his feet, and then he rushed, stumbling, to the kitchen I pulled my headdeeper under the blankets, not wanting to listen to the same conversation again.
　　"Yeah," Charlie said, and yawned.
　　His voice changed, it was much more alert when he spoke again. "Where?'" There was a pause. "You'resure it's outside the reservation?" Another short pause. "But what could be burning out there?" Hesounded both worried and mystified. "Look, I'll call down there and check it out."I listened with more interest as he punched in a number.
　　"Hey, Billy, it's Charlie—sorry I'm calling so early… no, she's fine. She's sleeping… Thanks, but that'snot why I called. I just got a call from Mrs. Stanley, and she says that from her second-story window shecan see fires out on the sea cliffs, but I didn't really… Oh!" Suddenly there was an edge in hisvoice—irritation… or anger. "And why are they doing that? Uh huh. Really?" He said it sarcastically.
　　"Well, don't apologize to me. Yeah, yeah. Just make sure the flames don't spread… I know, I know, I'msurprised they got them lit at all in this weather."Charlie hesitated, and then added grudgingly. "Thanks for sending Sam and the other boys up. You wereright—they do know the forest better than we do. It was Sam who found her, so I owe you one… Yeah,I'll talk to you later," he agreed, still sour, before hanging up.
　　Charlie muttered something incoherent as he shuffled back to the living room.
　　"What's wrong?" I asked.
　　He hurried to my side.
　　"I'm sorry I woke you, honey." "Is something burning?""It's nothing," he assured me. "Just some bonfires out on the cliffs.""Bonfires?" I asked. My voice didn't sound curious. It sounded dead.
　　Charlie frowned. "Some of the kids from the reservation being rowdy," he explained.
　　"Why?" I wondered dully.
　　I could tell he didn't want to answer. He looked at the floor under his knees. "They're celebrating thenews." His tone was bitter.
　　There was only one piece of news I could think of, try as I might not to. And then the pieces snappedtogether. "Because the Cullens left," I whispered. "They don't like the Cullens in La Push—I'd forgottenabout that."The Quileutes had their superstitions about the "cold ones," the blood-drinkers that were enemies to theirtribe, just like they had their legends of the great flood and wolf-men ancestors. Just stories, folklore, tomost of them. Then there were the few that believed. Charlie's good friend Billy Black believed, thougheven Jacob, his own son, thought he was full of stupid superstitions. Billy had warned me to stay awayfrom the Cullens…The name stirred something inside me, something that began to claw its way toward the surface,something I knew I didn't want to face.
　　"It's ridiculous," Charlie spluttered.
　　We sat in silence for a moment. The sky was no longer black outside the window. Somewhere behindthe rain, the sun was beginning to rise.
　　"Bella?" Charlie asked.
　　I looked at him uneasily.
　　"He left you alone in the woods?" Charlie guessed.
　　I deflected his question. "How did you know where to find me?" My mind shied away from the inevitableawareness that was coming, coming quickly now.
　　"Your note," Charlie answered. surprised. He reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out amuch-abused piece of paper. It was dirty and damp, with multiple creases from being opened andrefolded many times. He unfolded it again, and held it up as evidence. The messy handwriting wasremarkably close to my own.
　　Going for a walk with Edward, up the path, it said. Back soon, B.
　　"When you didn't come back, I called the Cullens, and no one answered," Charlie said in a low voice.
　　"Then I called the hospital, and Dr. Gerandy told me that Carlisle was gone.""Where did they go?" I mumbled.
　　He stared at me. "Didn't Edward tell you?"I shook my head, recoiling. The sound of his name unleashed the thing that was clawing inside of me—a pain that knocked me breathless, astonished me with its force.
　　Charlie eyed me doubtfully as he answered. "Carlisle took a job with a big hospital in Los Angeles. Iguess they threw a lot of money at him."Sunny L.A. The last place they would really go. I remembered my nightmare with the mirror… the brightsunlight shimmering off of his skin—Agony ripped through me with the memory of his face.
　　"I want to know if Edward left you alone out there in the middle of the woods," Charlie insisted.
　　His name sent another wave of torture through me. I shook my head, frantic, desperate to escape thepain. "It was my fault. He left me right here on the trail, in sight of the house… but I tried to follow him."Charlie started to say something; childishly, I covered my ears. "I can't talk about this anymore, Dad. Iwant to go to my room."Before he could answer, I scrambled up from the couch and lurched my way up the stairs.
　　Someone had been in the house to leave a note for Charlie, a note that would lead him to find me. Fromthe minute that I'd realized this, a horrible suspicion began to grow in my head. I rushed to my room,shutting and locking the door behind me before I ran to the CD player by my bed.
　　Everything looked exactly the same as I'd left it. I pressed down on the top of the CD player. The latchunhooked, and the lid slowly swung open.
　　It was empty.
　　The album Renee had given me sat on the floor beside the bed, just where I'd put it last. I lifted the coverwith a shaking hand.
　　I didn't have to flip any farther than the first page. The little metal corners no longer held a picture inplace. The page was blank except for my own handwriting scrawled across the bottom: Edward Cullen,Charlie's kitchen, Sept. 13th.
　　I stopped there. I was sure that he would have been very thorough.
　　It will be as if I'd never existed, he'd promised me.
　　I felt the smooth wooden floor beneath my knees, and then the palms of my hands, and then it waspressed against the skin of my cheek. I hoped that I was fainting, but, to my disappointment, I didn't loseconsciousness. The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washedover my head, pulling me under.
　　I did not resurface.
　　　3. 结束
　　早上起床后我感到非常恐惧。我没睡好；我的胳膊疼痛难忍，头也疼得厉害。爱德华迅速地亲了一下我的额头，蹲下身从窗户跳了出去，他光滑的脸庞，疏远的表情对我的心情没有丝毫帮助。想到我睡着后毫无意识的那段时间就令我感到害怕，我担心当他注视着我睡着的时候，又会思考对与错的问题。焦虑似乎加剧了头部由于悸动引起的疼痛，这种感觉越来越强烈了。
　　爱德华和往常一样在学校等我，但是他的表情还是有问题。他的眼睛里深藏着某种我不确定的东西——这令我惊恐万分。我不想提起昨天晚上的事情，但是我不确定逃避这个话题是否会更糟糕。
　　他为我打开了车门。
　　"你感觉怎么样？"
　　"非常好。" 我撒谎道，车门关上时发出"嘭"的声音在我的脑袋里回荡，让人感到厌烦不堪。
　　我们默不作声地走着，他放慢步伐跟上我的节拍。我有那么多问题想要问，但是大多数问题还要再等一等，因为那些问题是我想问爱丽丝的：贾斯帕今天早上怎么样了？我走之后他们都说了些什么？罗莎莉说了什么？最重要的事，通过她对未来奇异却不完美的预见中看到了什么？她能猜到爱德华在想什么吗？他为什么这样闷闷不乐？那种我似乎无法抗拒的毫无根据、本能的恐惧有没有理由？
　　早晨过得很慢。我迫不及待地想见到爱丽丝，尽管爱德华在场的时候我可能没法真正地和她交谈。爱德华仍然很冷漠，他时不时地会问问我的胳膊，然后我会骗他说没事儿。
　　爱丽丝平常总是比我们先来吃午饭；她不必像我这样懒散。但是她没坐在餐桌上，把她不会吃的一盘食物放在一边，等我们。
　　爱丽丝没有来，但爱德华对此什么也没说。我暗想是不是她下课晚了——直到我看见康纳和本，他们俩和爱丽丝一起上第四节法语课。
　　"爱丽丝去哪儿了？"我焦急地问爱德华。
　　他一边回答，一边看着在他指尖慢慢碾碎的格兰诺拉麦片 ："她和贾斯帕在一起。"
　　"他还好吗？"
　　"他会离开一段时间。"
　　"什么？去哪里？"
　　我原本以为他会大笑起来，或者微笑起来，或者至少对我的话有点儿反应。
　　“那么，好吧。”他冷漠地说道。
　　我上车后他为我关上门之前，吻了我的额头，接着他转过身，优雅地朝他的车慢跑过去。
　　在惊慌失措之前，我尚能把车开出停车场，但是，还没到牛顿户外用品商店我就已经在用力地呼吸了。
　　他只是需要时间，我告诉自己。他会渡过这次难关的。或许他难过是因为他的家人要离开了。但是爱丽丝和贾斯帕不久就会回来的，罗莎莉和埃美特也会回来的。要是对这种情况有所帮助的话，我会离河边那幢白色的大房子远远的——我再也不会踏上那片土地。那没关系。我在学校还能见到爱丽丝，她还会回到学校的，对吗？不管怎么样，她都是站在我这边的。她不会想要通过离家出走来伤害卡莱尔的。
　　毫无疑问，我也会定期地去看看卡莱尔——不过，是在急救室里。
　　毕竟，昨天晚上发生的事情没什么大不了。什么也没发生。想到这些接着我就倒了下来——那是我的生活。与去年春天相比，这些看起来似乎尤其不重要。詹姆斯使我遍体鳞伤，由于失血过多几乎死去——然而，爱德华在医院里陪伴我度过了漫长的几个星期，他做得比这次好很多。是不是因为，这一次，他保护我不受伤害，对象不是敌人？因为这一次是他的兄弟？
　　如果他带我走，而不是让他的家人四分五裂，这样或许会更好。当我想到所有这一切不被打扰的独处时光时，我的心情稍微好了一些，不那么压抑了。只要他能够渡过这一学年，查理就不会反对。我们可以离开这里一起去上大学，或者假装我们一起去上大学，就像今年罗莎莉和埃美特的一样。爱德华肯定得等一年。一年对永生不死的人而言算得了什么呢？一年对我而言似乎也没什么大不了的。
　　我劝服自己保持足够的冷静，勉强下车，走进商店。迈克?牛顿今天比我早到，我进门的时候他微笑着冲我挥了挥手。我一把拉过我的工作服，应付地朝他的方向点了点头。我仍然在想象那种美好的情景，我和爱德华一起私奔到各种各样的异域他乡。
　　迈克打断了我的幻想：“你的生日过得怎么样？”
　　“呃，”我低声说道，“我很高兴生日过完了。”
　　迈克从眼角看着我，好像我疯了似的。
　　店里的工作慢吞吞的。我想再见到爱德华，祈祷在我再次见到他之前，他会渡过最困难的时刻，确切地说，不管到底该如何精确地表述那种情况。这没什么大不了的，我一次又一次地告诉自己。一切都会恢复正常的。
　　当我驱车上路，看到爱德华银色的车停在我家门口时，我感到一阵欣慰，那种感觉那么强烈，那么无法抗拒，但是这样的方式又深深地令我心烦意乱。
　　我匆忙地跑过前门，还没进门就大声喊了起来。
　　“爸爸？爱德华？”
　　我喊的时候，客厅里传来的娱乐体育节目网 体育中心风格独特的主题音乐。
　　“在这里。”查理叫道。
　　我把雨衣挂在钩子上，顺着屋角跑了过来。
　　爱德华坐在扶手椅子里，查理坐在沙发上。他们两个人的眼睛都盯着电视。这种聚精会神对我爸爸而言是很正常的，但对爱德华而言就不那么正常了。
　　“嗨。”我虚弱地跟他们打招呼。
　　“嘿，贝拉，”查理眼睛一动不动地回答道，“我们刚吃了一只冷馅饼，我想它还在桌子上。”
　　“好吧。”
　　我在门口等着。最后爱德华转向我，朝我礼貌地笑了笑，“我马上跟过来。”他答应道。他的眼神又飘忽到电视上去了。
　　我注视了一会，惊呆了。他们两个人都没有注意到。我能觉察到某种感觉，或许是恐慌，在我胸口越来越强烈。我逃进了厨房。
　　馅饼对我毫无吸引力，我坐在椅子上，蜷起膝盖，用胳膊环抱着它们。有什么东西让我感到非常不对头，或许比我意识到得更加不对劲儿。男人之间特有的亲密和互相捉弄的声音不断地从电视机里传过来。
　　我努力控制自己，让自己保持理智。可能会发生的最糟糕的事情会是什么呢？我退缩了，那肯定是问错了问题，此刻，我连呼吸都有些困难了。
　　好吧，我又想到，我能忍受的最糟糕的事情是什么呢？我也不那么喜欢这样的问题。但是我详细地思考了今天我想到的一切可能性。
　　远离爱德华的家人。当然了，他不希望把爱丽丝也包括在内。要是连贾斯帕都在禁区之内的话，那么我和她在一起的时间就会减少。我对自己点点头——我能忍受这样的事情。
　　或者离开这里。也许他不想等到学年结束，也许现在就得离开。
　　在我面前，桌子上面摆着查理和蕾妮送给我的礼物，它们放在我原来放的位置，摆在相册旁边的是我在卡伦家没机会使用的照相机。我摸了摸妈妈给我的剪贴簿的精美封面，叹了口气，想起了蕾妮。从某种程度上而言，很久以来我就过着没有她的生活，但这一事实并没有使永远分别的想法更易于接受；而查理就会被独自留在这里，被我们抛弃了。他们两个人都会受到很大的伤害……
　　但是我们会回来的，不是吗？我们会回来看他们的，当然了，不是吗？
　　我对这个问题的答案不是很确定。
　　我把脸颊贴在膝盖上，盯着我父母对我的爱的有形象征。我知道我选择的这条路会很艰辛，毕竟，我现在想的是最糟糕的情况——我能忍受的最糟糕的情况。
　　我又摸了摸剪贴簿， 翻开扉页。在小小的金属边里面已经卡住了第一张照片。一分为二来看这个礼物，记录我在这里的生活，这个主意倒不是那么差。我感到一阵奇怪的冲动要着手进行此事了。或许，我在福克斯剩下的时间也没那么多了。
　　我把拨弄着照相机上的腕带，对胶卷里的第一张照片倍感好奇。照出来的照片可能会接近原物吗？我怀疑，但是他似乎并不担心照片上空无一物。我对自己轻轻地笑了笑，想到昨天晚上他漫不经心的笑容。轻声的微笑渐渐减弱了。发生了那么大的变化，多么地意想不到啊！这让我感到有点儿眩晕，好像我站在边缘上，在某个很高很高的悬崖边缘上一样。
　　我不想再去想那些了，一把抓住照相机，朝楼梯走去。
　　距离我妈妈住在这里的时候已经有十七年了，这么多年以来，我的房间并没有发生多么大的变化。墙壁仍然是淡蓝色，窗前悬挂的是同样的黄色蕾丝窗帘。那儿有张床，但不是婴儿床，不过她会认出那张凌乱地从床上垂下来的被子的——那是祖母给我的礼物。
　　我随兴地拍了一张我房间的照片。今晚我没法给其它的东西拍照——外面太黑了——而且，这种感觉变得更加强烈了，几乎变成一种冲动。在我离开福克斯以前，我要记录下和这里有关的一切。
　　变化就在发生，我能感觉到，前景并不乐观，当生活还是跟往常完全一样的时候，更是如此。
　　我不急不徐地回到楼下，手里拿着照相机，爱德华眼睛里那种奇怪的距离是我不想看到的，一想到这就会让我害怕得发抖，我努力忽视这种感觉的存在。他会克服的，也许他只是在担心当他要我离开的时候我会难过。我会让他解决好这一切而不让他为难的，而且，在他提出来的时候我就会准备好的。
　　我偷偷地斜靠在屋角，调整好相机，确信爱德华没机会感到惊讶，但是他没有抬头看我。我感到心中一阵冰凉，不禁颤抖了一下；我没去理睬心中的感觉，照了张照片。
　　就在那一刻他们俩同时看着我，查理皱着眉头，而爱德华则神色空洞，面无表情。
　　“你在干什么，贝拉？”查理不高兴地问道。
　　“ 噢，来吧，”我走过去坐在沙发上，查理懒洋洋地躺在那里，假装微笑着说，“你知道妈妈很快就会打电话来问我是否在用她送给我的礼物了。在她没感到受伤之前我得先做起来。”
　　“但是，你为什么要给我照相呢？”他嘟囔着说。
　　“因为你那么帅，”我保持着轻松的口吻回答道，“还因为，既然是你给我买的照相机，你就有义务成为我的主题之一。”
　　他嘴巴里嘟哝着我听不清楚的话语。
　　“嗨，爱德华，”我带着令人惊讶的冷漠口吻说道，“给我和爸爸照张合影吧。”
　　我把相机朝他扔过去，小心翼翼地避开他的眼睛，查理的脸靠在沙发的扶手边上，我在那里跪了下来。查理叹了叹气。
　　“你要笑一笑，贝拉。”爱德华低声说道。
　　我竭尽全力笑了笑，照相机的闪光灯闪了一下。
　　“我来给你们两个孩子照一张吧。”查利建议道。我知道他只是想把照相机的焦点从他身上移走。
　　爱德华站着，轻松地把照相机抛给他。
　　我跑过去站在爱德华旁边，觉得这种安排很正式，也很奇怪——他轻轻地把一只手搭在我的肩膀上，我则更坚定地用胳膊环抱着他的腰。我想看着他的脸，但我不敢。
　　“笑一笑，贝拉。”查理再次提醒我。
　　我深吸了一口气，微笑起来，闪光灯让我什么也看不见。
　　“今晚照的照片够多了，”查理一边说一边把照相机塞进沙发靠垫之间的缝隙里，他在照相机上翻了个身，“你现在没必要把整卷胶卷用完。”
　　爱德华把他的手从我肩上放下来，不经意地扭出我的怀抱，重新坐进扶手椅里。
　　我犹豫了一下，接着走过去背靠着沙发坐了下来。我突然感到如此恐惧，双手开始颤抖起来。我用手按着肚子，把它们藏起来，我把下巴靠在膝盖上，盯着面前的电视机屏幕，但却什么也看没见。
　　节目放完的时候，我一动也不动。我从眼角看到爱德华站起身来。
　　“我要回家了。”他说道。
　　查理低头看着广告，头抬也没抬地回答说：“好的。”
　　我笨拙地站了起来，跟着爱德华从大门走出来——就这样一动不动地坐了那么久，我的手脚都僵硬了。他径直走向他的车。
　　“你会留下来吗？”我问道，声音里不带一丝希望。
　　我期待着他的回答，这样就不会那么受伤害了。
　　“今晚不了。”
　　我没有追问原因。
　　他上车开走以后，我仍站在那里，一动不动。我几乎没有注意到下雨了，我等待着，不知道自己到底在等待什么，直到门在我身后打开了。
　　“贝拉，你在干什么？”查理问道，他吃惊地看见我满身滴着雨水，一个人站在那里。
　　“没什么。”我转过身，拖着沉重的步伐走回屋里。
　　这是漫长的一夜，我几乎没有休息。
　　窗外一出现朦胧的阳光我就起床了。我机械地穿上衣服，准备上学，等待着乌云散去，天气晴朗起来。我吃完一碗麦片后确定光线很充分，可以照相了。我先给我的卡车照了一张，接着是房屋的正面。我转过身，给查理房屋附近的森林照了几张。有趣的是，这片森林一点也不像先前那么险恶了。我意识到我会想念——这片郁郁葱葱，青翠的小树林的，时间在这里停滞了，周遭充满着神秘的气息，我会怀念这里的一切的。
　　出门之前我把相机放在书包里，我努力把注意力集中在我的新课题上而不去想昨天晚上的事情——爱德华显然并没有恢复常态。
　　焦躁不安的感觉伴随着恐惧开始倾袭着我，这样会持续多久？
　　整整一个上午还是这样，他静静地在我身边走着，似乎从来都没有看我一眼。我努力地集中精神上课，但是就连英语课也没能抓住我的注意力。贝尔蒂先生把关于凯普莱特夫人 的问题重复了两遍我才意识到他在跟我讲话。爱德华用耳语告诉我正确答案，接着又忽略了我的存在。
　　在吃午饭的时候，沉默仍在继续。我感到自己随时就要开始尖叫了，然后，为了分散注意力，我倾斜着身体，跨过了那条看不见的分界线，与杰西卡说起话来。
　　“嗨，杰西？”
　　“什么事，贝拉？”
　　“你能帮我个忙吗？”我把手伸到书包里，问道，“我妈妈要我给我的朋友们照几张照片，贴在剪贴簿上，这样吧，你能帮我给每个人照张相吗？”
　　我把照相机递给她。
　　“当然可以啦。”她咧开嘴巴笑了起来，接着就偷拍下迈克满嘴是饭的镜头。
　　和我预料的一样，相片大战开始了。我看着他们把照相机从餐桌上传过来传过去，咯咯地笑着，摇晃着，抱怨着被拍到了。奇怪的是，这一切似乎很孩子气。也许我今天的情绪不是正常的人类该有的。
　　“噢-哦，”杰西卡把照相机还给我的时候抱歉地说，“我想我们把你的胶卷用完了。”
　　“没关系，我想我已经拍好我需要的其它东西的照片了。”
　　放学后，爱德华默默地送我到停车场。我今天要打工，这一次，我感到很高兴。爱德华与我在一起的时光显然无济于事，或许他独自一个人会更好。
　　我在去牛顿户外用品商店的路上把胶卷放在了施利福特威超市，然后在下班的路上取了照片。回到家，我简单地跟查理说了“嗨”就从厨房里拿了根格兰诺拉麦片，腋下藏着装着照片的信封匆匆地跑进楼上我的房间。
　　我坐在床中间，大声地喘着气。照片中的爱德华和他在现实生活中一样漂亮，照片中的他含情脉脉地凝视着我，过去几天他从没这样地看过我。 有人能如此……如此……美得难以形容，这几乎是种神秘的事情，千言万语也比不上这张照片。
　　我立即快速地翻动着这堆照片，接着把其中的三张并排铺在床上。
　　第一张是爱德华在厨房，他的眼睛流露出宽容，逗乐的表情。第二张是爱德华和查理一起在看娱乐体育节目网节目，不同的是爱德华的神情严肃，这张照片里的他，眼神警惕而矜持。不过他还是那么惊人的美丽，但是他的脸色更冷漠，更像一尊雕像，更缺少生机。
　　最后一张是爱德华和我并排站在一起的照片，看起来有些笨拙。爱德华的脸色和上一张一样冷漠，像雕像一般。但是那不是这张照片最令人不安的地方，两个人之间的对比令人痛苦，他看起来像神
Chapter 4 Walking Uptime Passes
EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN when each tick of the second handaches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, butpass it does. Even for me.
　　CHARLIE'S FIST CAME DOWN ON THE TABLE. "THAT'S IT, Bella! I'm sending you home."I looked up from my cereal, which I was pondering rather than eating, and stared at Charlie in shock. Ihadn't been following the conversation—actually, I hadn't been aware that we were having aconversation—and I wasn't sure what he meant.
　　"I am home," I mumbled, confused.
　　"I'm sending you to Renee, to Jacksonville," he clarified.
　　Charlie watched with exasperation as I slowly grasped the meaning of his words.
　　"What did I do?" I felt my face crumple. It was so unfair. My behavior had been above reproach for thepast four months. After that first week, which neither of us ever mentioned, I hadn't missed a day ofschool or work. My grades were perfect. I never broke curfew—I never went anywhere from which tobreak curfew in the first place. I only very rarely served leftovers.
　　Charlie was scowling.
　　"You didn't do anything. That's the problem. You never do anything.""You want me to get into trouble?" I wondered, my eyebrows pulling together in mystification. I made aneffort to pay attention. It wasn't easy. I was so used to tuning everything out, my ears felt stopped up.
　　"Trouble would be better than this… this moping around all the time!"That stung a bit. I'd been careful to avoid all forms of moroseness, moping included.
　　"I am not moping around." "Wrong word," he grudgingly conceded. "Moping would be better—that would be doing something.
　　You're just… lifeless, Bella. I think that's the word I want."This accusation struck home. I sighed and tried to put some animation into my response.
　　"I'm sorry, Dad." My apology sounded a little flat, even to me. I'd thought I'd been fooling him. KeepingCharlie from suffering was the whole point of all this effort. How depressing to think that the effort hadbeen wasted.
　　"I don't want you to apologize."I sighed. "Then tell me what you do want me to do.""Bella," he hesitated, scrutinizing my reaction to his next words. "Honey, you're not the first person to gothrough this kind of thing, you know.""I know that." My accompanying grimace was limp and unimpressive.
　　"Listen, honey. I think that—that maybe you need some help.""Help?"He paused, searching for the words again. "When your mother left," he began, frowning, "and took youwith her." He inhaled deeply. "Well, that was a really bad time for me.""I know, Dad," I mumbled.
　　"But I handled it," he pointed out. "Honey, you're not handling it. I waited, I hoped it would get better."He stared at me and I looked down quickly. "I think we both know it's not getting better.""I'mfine."He ignored me. "Maybe, well, maybe if you talked to someone about it. A professional.""You want me to see a shrink?" My voice was a shade sharper as I realized what he was getting at.
　　"Maybe it would help.""And maybe it wouldn't help one little bit."I didn't know much about psychoanalysis, but I was pretty sure that it didn't work unless the subject wasrelatively honest. Sure, I could tell the truth—if I wanted to spend the rest of my life in a padded cell.
　　He examined my obstinate expression, and switched to another line of attack.
　　"It's beyond me, Bella. Maybe your mother—""Look," I said in a flat voice. "I'll go out tonight, if you want. I'll call Jess or Angela.""That's not what I want," he argued, frustrated. "I don't think I can live through seeing you try harder.
　　I've never seen anyone trying so hard. It hurts to watch."I pretended to be dense, looking down at the table. "I don't understand, Dad. First you're mad becauseI'm not doing anything, and then you say you don't want me to go out.""I want you to be happy—no, not even that much. I just want you not to be miserable. I think you'll have a better chance if you get out of Forks."My eyes flashed up with the first small spark of feeling I'd had in too long to contemplate.
　　"I'm not leaving," I said.
　　"Why not?" he demanded.
　　"I'm in my last semester of school—it would screw everything up.""You're a good student—you'll figure it out.""I don't want to crowd Mom and Phil.""Your mother's been dying to have you back.""Florida is too hot."His fist came down on the table again. "We both know what's really going on here, Bella, and it's notgood for you." He took a deep breath. "It's been months. No calls, no letters, no contact. You can't keepwaitingforhim."I glowered at him. The heat almost, but not quite, reached my face. It had been a long time since I'dblushed with any emotion.
　　This whole subject was utterly forbidden, as he was well aware.
　　"I'm not waiting for anything. I don't expect anything," I said in a low monotone.
　　"Bella—," Charlie began, his voice thick.
　　"I have to get to school," I interrupted, standing up and yanking my untouched breakfast from the table. Idumped my bowl in the sink without pausing to wash it out. I couldn't deal with any more conversation.
　　"I'll make plans with Jessica," I called over my shoulder as I strapped on my school bag, not meeting hiseyes. "Maybe I won't be home for dinner. We'll go to Port Angeles and watch a movie."I was out the front door before he could react.
　　In my haste to get away from Charlie, I ended up being one of the first ones to school. The plus side wasthat I got a really good parking spot. The downside was that I had free time on my hands, and I tried toavoid free time at all costs.
　　Quickly, before I could start thinking about Charlie's accusations, I pulled out my Calculus book. Iflipped it open to the section we should be starting today, and tried to make sense of it. Reading mathwas even worse than listening to it, but I was getting better at it. In the last several months, I'd spent tentimes the amount of time on Calculus than I'd ever spent on math before. As a result, I was managing tokeep in the range of a low A. I knew Mr. Varner felt my improvement was all due to his superiorteaching methods. And if that made him happy, I wasn't going to burst his bubble.
　　I forced myself to keep at it until the parking lot was full, and I ended up rushing to English. We wereworking on Animal Farm, an easy subject matter. I didn't mind communism; it was a welcome changefrom the exhausting romances that made up most of the curriculum. I settled into my seat, pleased by thedistraction of Mr. Berty's lecture.
　　 Time moved easily while I was in school. The bell rang all too soon. I started repacking my bag.
　　"Bella?"I recognized Mike's voice, and I knew what his next words would be before he said them.
　　"Are you working tomorrow?"I looked up. He was leaning across the aisle with an anxious expression. Every Friday he asked me thesame question. Never mind that I hadn't taken so much as a sick day. Well, with one exception, monthsago. But he had no reason to look at me with such concern. I was a model employee.
　　"Tomorrow is Saturday, isn't it?" I said. Having just had it pointed out to me by Charlie, I realized howlifeless my voice really sounded.
　　"Yeah, it is," he agreed. "See you in Spanish." He waved once before turning his back. He didn't botherwalking me to class anymore.
　　I trudged off to Calculus with a grim expression. This was the class where I sat next to Jessica.
　　It had been weeks, maybe months, since Jess had even greeted me when I passed her in the hall. I knewI had offended her with my antisocial behavior, and she was sulking. It wasn't going to be easy to talk toher now—especially to ask her to do me a favor. I weighed my options carefully as I loitered outside theclassroom, procrastinating.
　　I wasn't about to face Charlie again without some kind of social interaction to report. I knew I couldn'tlie, though the thought of driving to Port Angeles and back alone—being sure my odometer reflected thecorrect mileage, just in case he checked—was very tempting. Jessica's mom was the biggest gossip intown, and Charlie was bound to run into Mrs. Stanley sooner rather than later. When he did, he wouldno doubt mention the trip. Lying was out.
　　With a sigh, I shoved the door open.
　　Mr. Varner gave me a dark look—he'd already started the lecture. I hurried to my seat. Jessica didn'tlook up as I sat next to her. I was glad that I had fifty minutes to mentally prepare myself.
　　This class flew by even faster than English. A small part of that speed was due to my goody-goodypreparation this morning in the truck—but mostly it stemmed from the fact that time always sped up whenI was looking forward to something unpleasant.
　　I grimaced when Mr. Varner dismissed the class five minutes early. He smiled like he was being nice.
　　"Jess?" My nose wrinkled as I cringed, waiting for her to turn on me.
　　She twisted in her seat to face me, eyeing me incredulously. "Are you talking to me, Bella?""Of course." I widened my eyes to suggest innocence.
　　"What? Do you need help with Calculus?" Her tone was a tad sour.
　　"No." I shook my head. "Actually, I wanted to know if you would… go to the movies with me tonight? Ireally need a girls' night out." The words sounded stiff, like badly delivered lines, and she lookedsuspicious.
　　"Why are you asking me?" she asked, still unfriendly.
　　 "You're the first person I think of when I want girl time." I smiled, and I hoped the smile looked genuine.
　　It was probably true. She was at least the first person I thought of when I wanted to avoid Charlie. Itamounted to the same thing.
　　She seemed a little mollified. "Well, I don't know.""Do you have plans?""No… I guess I can go with you. What do you want to see?""I'm not sure what's playing," I hedged. This was the tricky part. I racked my brain for a clue—hadn't Iheard someone talk about a movie recently? Seen a poster? "How about that one with the femalepresident?"She looked at me oddly. "Bella, that one's been out of the theater forever.""Oh." I frowned. "Is there anything you'd like to see?"Jessica's natural bubbliness started to leak out in spite of herself as she thought out loud. "Well, there'sthat new romantic comedy that's getting great reviews. I want to see that one. And my dad just sawDead End and he really liked it."I grasped at the promising title. "What's that one about?""Zombies or something. He said it was the scariest thing he'd seen in years.""That sounds perfect." I'd rather deal with real zombies than watch a romance.
　　"Okay." She seemed surprised by my response. I tried to remember if I liked scary movies, but I wasn'tsure. "Do you want me to pick you up after school?" she offered.
　　"Sure."Jessica smiled at me with tentative friendliness before she left. My answering smile was just a little late,but I thought that she saw it.
　　The rest of the day passed quickly, my thoughts focused on planning for tonight. I knew from experiencethat once I got Jessica talking, I would be able to get away with a few mumbled responses at theappropriate moments. Only minimal interaction would be required.
　　The thick haze that blurred my days now was sometimes confusing. I was surprised when I found myselfin my room, not clearly remembering the drive home from school or even opening the front door. But thatdidn't matter. Losing track of time was the most I asked from life.
　　I didn't fight the haze as I turned to my closet. The numbness was more essential in some places than inothers. I barely registered what I was looking at as I slid the door aside to reveal the pile of rubbish onthe left side of my closet, under the clothes I never wore.
　　My eyes did not stray toward the black garbage bag that held my present from that last birthday, did notsee the shape of the stereo where it strained against the black plastic; I didn't think of the bloody messmy nails had been when I'd finished clawing it out of the dashboard.
　　I yanked the old purse I rarely used off the nail it hung from, and shoved the door shut.
　　Just then I heard a horn honking. I swiftly traded my wallet from my schoolbag into the purse. I was in a hurry, as if rushing would somehow make the night pass more quickly.
　　I glanced at myself in the hall mirror before I opened the door, arranging my features carefully into a smileand trying to hold them there.
　　"Thanks for coming with me tonight," I told Jess as I climbed into the passenger seat, trying to infuse mytone with gratitude. It had been a while since I'd really thought about what I was saying to anyonebesides Charlie. Jess was harder. I wasn't sure which were the right emotions to fake.
　　"Sure. So, what brought this on?" Jess wondered as she drove down my street.
　　"Brought what on?""Why did you suddenly decide… to go out?" It sounded like she changed her question halfway through.
　　I shrugged. "Just needed a change."I recognized the song on the radio then, and quickly reached for the dial. "Do you mind?" I asked.
　　"No, go ahead."I scanned through the stations until I found one that was harmless. I peeked at Jess's expression as thenew music filled the car.
　　Her eyes squinted. "Since when do you listen to rap?""I don't know," I said. "A while.""You like this?" she asked doubtfully.
　　"Sure."It would be much too hard to interact with Jessica normally if I had to work to tune out the music, too. Inodded my head, hoping I was in time with the beat.
　　"Okay…" She stared out the windshield with wide eyes.
　　"So what's up with you and Mike these days?" I asked quickly.
　　"You see him more than I do."The question hadn't started her talking like I'd hoped it would.
　　"It's hard to talk at work," I mumbled, and then I tried again. "Have you been out with anyone lately?""Not really. I go out with Conner sometimes. I went out with Eric two weeks ago." She rolled her eyes,and I sensed a long story. I clutched at the opportunity.
　　"Eric Yorkie? Who asked who?"She groaned, getting more animated. "He did, of course! I couldn't think of a nice way to say no.""Where did he take you?" I demanded, knowing she would interpret my eagerness as interest. "Tell meall about it."She launched into her tale, and I settled into my seat, more comfortable now. I paid strict attention, murmuring in sympathy and gasping in horror as called for. When she was finished with her Eric story,she continued into a Conner comparison without any prodding.
　　The movie was playing early, so Jess thought we should hit the twilight showing and eat later. I washappy to go along with whatever she wanted; after all, I was getting what I wanted—Charlie off myback.
　　I kept Jess talking through the previews, so I could ignore them more easily. But I got nervous when themovie started. A young couple was walking along a beach, swinging hands and discussing their mutualaffection with gooey falseness. I resisted the urge to cover my ears and start humming. I had notbargained for a romance.
　　"I thought we picked the zombie movie," I hissed to Jessica.
　　"This is the zombie movie.""Then why isn't anyone getting eaten?" I asked desperately.
　　She looked at me with wide eyes that were almost alarmed. "I'm sure that part's coming," she whispered.
　　"I'm getting popcorn. Do you want any?""No, thanks."Someone shushed us from behind.
　　I took my time at the concession counter, watching the clock and debating what percentage of aninety-minute movie could be spent on romantic exposition. I decided ten minutes was more than enough,but I paused just inside the theater doors to be sure. I could hear horrified screams blaring from thespeakers, so I knew I'd waited long enough.
　　"You missed everything," Jess murmured when I slid back into my seat. "Almost everyone is a zombienow.""Long line." I offered her some popcorn. She took a handful.
　　The rest of the movie was comprised of gruesome zombie attacks and endless screaming from thehandful of people left alive, their numbers dwindling quickly. I would have thought there was nothing inthat to disturb me. But I felt uneasy, and I wasn't sure why at first.
　　It wasn't until almost the very end, as I watched a haggard zombie shambling after the last shriekingsurvivor, that I realized what the problem was. The scene kept cutting between the horrified face of theheroine, and the dead, emotionless face of her pursuer, back and forth as it closed the distance.
　　And I realized which one resembled me the most.
　　I stood up.
　　"Where are you going? There's, like, two minutes left," Jess hissed.
　　"I need a drink," I muttered as I raced for the exit.
　　I sat down on the bench outside the theater door and tried very hard not to think of the irony. But it wasironic, all things considered, that, in the end, I would wind up as a zombie. I hadn't seen that one coming.
　　 Not that I hadn't dreamed of becoming a mythical monster once—just never a grotesque, animatedcorpse. I shook my head to dislodge that train of thought, feeling panicky. I couldn't afford to think aboutwhat I'd once dreamed of.
　　It was depressing to realize that I wasn't the heroine anymore, that my story was over.
　　Jessica came out of the theater doors and hesitated, probably wondering where the best place was tosearch for me. When she saw me, she looked relieved, but only for a moment. Then she looked irritated.
　　"Was the movie too scary for you?" she wondered.
　　"Yeah," I agreed. "I guess I'm just a coward.""That's funny." She frowned. "I didn't think you were scared—I was screaming all the time, but I didn'thear you scream once. So I didn't know why you left."I shrugged. "Just scared."She relaxed a little. "That was the scariest movie I think I've ever seen. I'll bet we're going to havenightmares tonight.""No doubt about that," I said, trying to keep my voice normal. It was inevitable that I would havenightmares, but they wouldn't be about zombies. Her eyes flashed to my face and away. Maybe I hadn'tsucceeded with the normal voice.
　　"Where do you want to eat?" Jess asked.
　　"I don't care.""Okay."Jess started talking about the male lead in the movie as we walked. I nodded as she gushed over hishotness, unable to remember seeing a non-zombie man at all.
　　I didn't watch where Jessica was leading me. I was only vaguely aware that it was dark and quieter now.
　　It took me longer than it should have to realize why it was quiet. Jessica had stopped babbling. I lookedat her apologetically, hoping I hadn't hurt her feelings.
　　Jessica wasn't looking at me. Her face was tense; she stared straight ahead and walked fast. As Iwatched, her eyes darted quickly to the right, across the road, and back again.
　　I glanced around myself for the first time.
　　We were on a short stretch of unlit sidewalk. The little shops lining the street were all locked up for thenight, windows black. Half a block ahead, the streetlights started up again, and I could see, farther down,the bright golden arches of the McDonald's she was heading for.
　　Across the street there was one open business. The windows were covered from inside and there wereneon signs, advertisements for different brands of beer, glowing in front of them. The biggest sign, inbrilliant green, was the name of the bar—One-Eyed Pete's. I wondered if there was some pirate themenot visible from outside. The metal door was propped open; it was dimly lit inside, and the low murmurof many voices and the sound of ice clinking in glasses floated across the street. Lounging against the wallbeside the door were four men.
　　I glanced back at Jessica. Her eyes were fixed on the path ahead and she moved briskly. She didn't look frightened—just wary, trying to not attract attention to herself.
　　I paused without thinking, looking back at the four men with a strong sense of déjà vu. This was adifferent road, a different night, but the scene was so much the same. One of them was even short anddark. As I stopped and turned toward them, that one looked up in interest.
　　I stared back at him, frozen on the sidewalk.
　　"Bella?" Jess whispered. "What are you doing?"I shook my head, not sure myself. "I think I know them…" I muttered.
　　What was I doing? I should be running from this memory as fast as I could, blocking the image of thefour lounging men from my mind, protecting myself with the numbness I couldn't function without. Whywas I stepping, dazed, into the street?
　　It seemed too coincidental that I should be in Port Angeles with Jessica, on a dark street even. My eyesfocused on the short one, trying to match the features to my memory of the man who had threatened methat night almost a year ago. I wondered if there was any way I would recognize the man, if it was reallyhim. That particular part of that particular evening was just a blur. My body remembered it better than mymind did; the tension in my legs as I tried to decide whether to run or to stand my ground, the dryness inmy throat as I struggled to build a decent scream, the tight stretch of skin across my knuckles as Iclenched my hands into fists, the chills on the back of my neck when the dark-haired man called me"sugar."…There was an indefinite, implied kind of menace to these men that had nothing to do with that other night.
　　It sprung from the fact that they were strangers, and it was dark here, and they outnumbered us—nothingmore specific than that. But it was enough that Jessica's voice cracked in panic as she called after me.
　　"Bella, come on!"I ignored her, walking slowly forward without ever making the conscious decision to move my feet. Ididn't understand why, but the nebulous threat the men presented drew me toward them. It was asenseless impulse, but I hadn't felt any kind of impulse in so long… I followed it.
　　Something unfamiliar beat through my veins. Adrenaline, I realized, long absent from my system,drumming my pulse faster and fighting against the lack of sensation. It was strange—why the adrenalinewhen there was no fear? It was almost as if it were an echo of the last time I'd stood like this, on a darkstreet in Port Angeles with strangers.
　　I saw no reason for fear. I couldn't imagine anything in the world that there was left to be afraid of, notphysically at least. One of the few advantages of losing everything.
　　I was halfway across the street when Jess caught up to me and grabbed my arm.
　　"Bella! You can't go in a bar!" she hissed.
　　"I'm not going in," I said absently, shaking her hand off. "I just want to see something…""Are you crazy?" she whispered. "Are you suicidal?"That question caught my attention, and my eyes focused on her.
　　"No, I'm not." My voice sounded defensive, but it was true. I wasn't suicidal. Even in the beginning, when death unquestionably would have been a relief, I didn't consider it. I owed too much to Charlie. I felt tooresponsible for Renee. I had to think of them.
　　And I'd made a promise not to do anything stupid or reckless. For all those reasons, I was still breathing.
　　Remembering that promise. I felt a twinge of guilt.
　　but what I was doing fight now didn't really count. It wasn't like I was taking a blade to my wrists.
　　Jess's eyes were round, her mouth hung open. Her question about suicide had been rhetorical, I realizedtoo late.
　　"Go eat," I encouraged her, waving toward the fast food. I didn't like the way she looked at me. "I'llcatch up in a minute."I turned away from her, back to the men who were watching us with amused, curious eyes.
　　"Bella, stop this right now!"My muscles locked into place, froze me where I stood. Because it wasn't Jessica's voice that rebukedme now. It was a furious voice, a familiar voice, a beautiful voice—soft like velvet even though it wasirate.
　　It was his voice—I was exceptionally careful not to think his name—and I was surprised that the soundof it did not knock me to my knees, did not curl me onto the pavement in a torture of loss. But there wasno pain, none at all.
　　In the instant that I heard his voice, everything was very clear. Like my head had suddenly surfaced outof some dark pool. I was more aware of everything—sight, sound, the feel of the cold air that I hadn'tnoticed was blowing sharply against my face, the smells coming from the open bar door.
　　I looked around myself in shock.
　　"Go back to Jessica," the lovely voice ordered, still angry. "You promised—nothing stupid."I was alone. Jessica stood a few feet from me, staring at me with frightened eyes. Against the wall, thestrangers watched, confused, wondering what I was doing, standing there motionless in the middle of thestreet.
　　I shook my head, trying to understand. I knew he wasn't there, and yet, he felt improbably close, closefor the first time since… since the end. The anger in his voice was concern, the same anger that was oncevery familiar—something I hadn't heard in what felt like a lifetime.
　　"Keep your promise." The voice was slipping away, as if the volume was being turned down on a radio.
　　I began to suspect that I was having some kind of hallucination. Triggered, no doubt, by thememory—the deja vu, the strange familiarity of the situation.
　　I ran through the possibilities quickly in my head.
　　Option one: I was crazy. That was the layman's term for people who heard voices in their heads.
　　Possible.
　　Option two: My subconscious mind was giving me what it thought I wanted. This was wish fulfillment—a momentary relief from pain by embracing the incorrect idea that he cared whether I lived or died.
　　Projecting what he would have said if A) he were here, and B) he would be in any way bothered bysomething bad happening to me.
　　Probable.
　　I could see no option three, so I hoped it was the second option and this was just my subconsciousrunning amuck, rather than something I would need to be hospitalized for.
　　My reaction was hardly sane, though—I was grateful. The sound of his voice was something that I'dfeared I was losing, and so, more than anything else, I felt overwhelming gratitude that my unconsciousmind had held onto that sound better than my conscious one had.
　　I was not allowed to think of him. That was something I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped;I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at atime now. The tradeoff was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I'd chosen nothing.
　　I waited for the pain now. I was not numb—my senses felt unusually intense after so many months of thehaze—but the normal pain held off. The only ache was the disappointment that his voice was fading.
　　There was a second of choice.
　　The wise thing would be to run away from this potentially destructive—and certainly mentallyunstable—development. It would be stupid to encourage hallucinations.
　　But his voice was fading.
　　I took another step forward, testing.
　　"Bella, turn around," he growled.
　　I sighed in relief. The anger was what I wanted to hear—false, fabricated evidence that he cared, adubious gift from my subconscious.
　　Very few seconds had passed while I sorted this all out. My little audience watched, curious. It probablylooked like I was just dithering over whether or not I was going to approach them. How could they guessthat I was standing there enjoying an unexpected moment of insanity?
　　"Hi," one of the men called, his tone both confident and a bit sarcastic. He was fair-skinned andfair-haired, and he stood with the assurance of someone who thought of himself as quite good-looking. Icouldn't tell whether he was or not. I was prejudiced.
　　The voice in my head answered with an exquisite snarl. I smiled, and the confident man seemed to takethat as encouragement.
　　"Can I help you with something? You look lost." He grinned and winked.
　　I stepped carefully over the gutter, running with water that was black in the darkness.
　　"No. I'm not lost."Now that I was closer—and my eyes felt oddly in focus—I analyzed the short, dark man's face. It wasnot familiar in any way. I suffered a curious sensation of disappointment that this was not the terrible manwho had tried to hurt me almost a year ago.
　　 The voice in my head was quiet now.
　　The short man noticed my stare. "Can I buy you a drink?" he offered, nervous, seeming flattered that I'dsingled him out to stare at.
　　"I'm too young," I answered automatically.
　　He was baffled—wondering why I had approached them. I felt compelled to explain.
　　"From across the street, you looked like someone I knew. Sorry, my mistake."The threat that had pulled me across the street had evaporated. These were not the dangerous men Iremembered. They were probably nice guys. Safe. I lost interest.
　　"That's okay," the confident blonde said. "Stay and hang out with us.""Thanks, but I can't." Jessica was hesitating in the middle of the street, her eyes wide with outrage andbetrayal.
　　"Oh, just a few minutes."I shook my head, and turned to rejoin Jessica.
　　"Let's go eat," I suggested, barely glancing at her. Though I appeared to be, for the moment, freed of thezombie abstraction, I was just as distant. My mind was preoccupied. The safe, numb deadness did notcome back, and I got more anxious with every minute that passed without its return.
　　"What were you thinking?" Jessica snapped. "You don't know them—they could have beenpsychopaths!"I shrugged, wishing she would let it go. "I just thought I knew the one guy.""You are so odd, Bella Swan. I feel like I don't know who you are.""Sorry." I didn't know what else to say to that.
　　We walked to McDonald's in silence. I'd bet that she was wishing we'd taken her car instead of walkingthe short distance from the theater, so that she could use the drive-through. She was just as anxious nowfor this evening to be over as I had been from the beginning.
　　I tried to start a conversation a few times while we ate, but Jessica was not cooperative. I must havereally offended her.
　　When we go back in the car, she tuned the stereo back to her favorite station and turned the volume tooloud to allow easy conversation.
　　I didn't have to struggle as hard as usual to ignore the music. Even though my mind, for once, was notcarefully numb and empty, I had too much to think about to hear the lyrics.
　　I waited for the numbness to return, or the pain. Because the pain must be coming. I'd broken mypersonal rules. Instead of shying away from the memories, I'd walked forward and greeted them. I'dheard his voice, so clearly, in my head. That was going to cost me, I was sure of it. Especially if I couldn'treclaim the haze to protect myself. I felt too alert, and that frightened me.
　　But relief was still the strongest emotion in my body—relief that came from the very core of my being.
　　 As much as I struggled not to think of him, I did not struggle to forget. I worried—late in the night, whenthe exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses—that it was all slipping away. That mymind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel ofhis cool skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them.
　　Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live—I had to know that he existed.
　　That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as he existed.
　　That's why I was more trapped in Forks than I ever had been before, why I'd fought with Charlie whenhe suggested a change. Honestly, it shouldn't matter; no one was ever coming back here.
　　But if I were to go to Jacksonville, or anywhere else bright and unfamiliar, how could I be sure he wasreal? In a place where I could never imagine him, the conviction might fade… and that I could not livethrough.
　　Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk.
　　I was surprised when Jessica stopped the car in front of my house. The ride had not taken long, but,short as it seemed, I wouldn't have thought that Jessica could go that long without speaking.
　　"Thanks for going out with me, Jess," I said as I opened my door. "That was…fun." I hoped that fun wasthe appropriate word.
　　"Sure," she muttered.
　　"I'm sorry about… after the movie.""Whatever, Bella." She glared out the windshield instead of looking at me. She seemed to be growingangrier rather than getting over it.
　　"See you Monday?""Yeah. Bye."I gave up and shut the door. She drove away, still without looking at me.
　　I'd forgotten her by the time I was inside.
　　Charlie was waiting for me in the middle of the hall, his arms folded tight over his chest with his handsballed into fists.
　　"Hey, Dad," I said absentmindedly as I ducked around Charlie, heading for the stairs. I'd been thinkingabout him for too long, and I wanted to be upstairs before it caught up with me.
　　"Where have you been?" Charlie demanded.
　　I looked at my dad, surprised. "I went to a movie in Port Angeles with Jessica. Like I told you thismorning.""Humph," he grunted.
　　"Is that okay?"He studied my face, his eyes widening as if he saw something unexpected. "Yeah, that's fine. Did youhavefun?" "Sure," I said. "We watched zombies eat people. It was great."His eyes narrowed.
　　"'Night, Dad."He let me pass. I hurried to my room.
　　I lay in my bed a few minutes later, resigned as the pain finally made its appearance.
　　It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising mymost vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb andbleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air andmy head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn'thear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs tohold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.
　　And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain—the aching loss that radiated out from mychest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head—but it was manageable. I could livethrough it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bearit.
　　Whatever it was that had happened tonight—and whether it was the zombies, the adrenaline, or thehallucinations that were responsible—it had woken me up.
　　For the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to expect in the morning.
Chapter 5 Cheater
"BELLA, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF," MIKE SUGGESTED, his eyes focused off to the side, notreally looking at me. I wondered how long that had been going on without me noticing.
　　It was a slow afternoon at Newton's. At the moment there were only two patrons in the store, dedicatedbackpackers from the sound of their conversation. Mike had spent the last hour going through the prosand cons of two brands of lightweight packs with them. But they'd taken a break from serious pricing toindulge in trying to one-up each other with their latest tales from the trail. Their distraction had given Mikea chance to escape.
　　"I don't mind staying," I said. I still hadn't been able to sink back into my protective shell of numbness,and everything seemed oddly close and loud today, like I'd taken cotton out of my ears. I tried to tuneout the laughing hikers without success.
　　"I'm telling you," said the thickset man with the orange beard that didn't match his dark brown hair. "I'veseen grizzlies pretty close up in Yellowstone, but they had nothing on this brute." His hair was matted,and his clothes looked like they'd been on his back for more than a few days. Fresh from the mountains.
　　"Not a chance. Black bears don't get that big. The grizzlies you saw were probably cubs." The secondman was tall and lean, his face tanned and wind-whipped into an impressive leathery crust.
　　"Seriously, Bella, as soon as these two give up, I'm closing the place down," Mike murmured.
　　 "If you want me to go…" I shrugged.
　　"On all fours it was taller than you," the bearded man insisted while I gathered my things together. "Big asa house and pitch-black. I'm going to report it to the ranger here. People ought to be warned—thiswasn't up on the mountain, mind you—this was only a few miles from the trailhead."Leather-face laughed and rolled his eyes. "Let me guess—you were on your way in? Hadn't eaten realfood or slept off the ground in a week, right?""Hey, uh, Mike, right?" the bearded man called, looking toward us.
　　"See you Monday," I mumbled.
　　"Yes, sir," Mike replied, turning away.
　　"Say, have there been any warnings around here recently—about black bears?""No, sir. But it's always good to keep your distance and store your food correctly. Have you seen thenew bear-safe canisters? They only weigh two pounds…"The doors slid open to let me out into the rain. I hunched over inside my jacket as I dashed for my truck.
　　The rain hammering against my hood sounded unusually loud, too, but soon the roar of the enginedrowned out everything else.
　　I didn't want to go back to Charlie's empty house. Last night had been particularly brutal, and I had nodesire to revisit the scene of the suffering. Even after the pain had subsided enough for me to sleep, itwasn't over. Like I'd told Jessica after the movie, there was never any doubt that I would havenightmares.
　　I always had nightmares now, every night. Not nightmares really, not in the plural, because it was alwaysthe same nightmare. You'd think I'd get bored after so many months, grow immune to it. But the dreamnever failed to horrify me, and only ended when I woke myself with screaming. Charlie didn't come in tosee what was wrong anymore, to make sure there was no intruder strangling me or something likethat—he was used to it now.
　　My nightmare probably wouldn't even frighten someone else. Nothing jumped out and screamed, "Boo!"There were no zombies, no ghosts, no psychopaths. There was nothing, really. Only nothing. Just theendless maze of moss-covered trees, so quiet that the silence was an uncomfortable pressure against myeardrums. It was dark, like dusk on a cloudy day, with only enough light to see that there was nothing tosee. I hurried through the gloom without a path, always searching, searching, searching, getting morefrantic as the time stretched on, trying to move faster, though the speed made me clumsy… Then therewould come the point in my dream—and I could feel it coming now, but could never seem to wakemyself up before it hit—when I couldn't remember what it was that I was searching for. When I realizedthat there was nothing to search for, and nothing to find. That there never had been anything more thanjust this empty, dreary wood, and there never would be anything more for me… nothing but nothing…That was usually about when the screaming started.
　　I wasn't paying attention to where I was driving—just wandering through empty, wet side roads as Iavoided the ways that would take me home—because I didn't have anywhere to go.
　　I wished I could feel numb again, but I couldn't remember how I'd managed it before. The nightmare wasnagging at my mind and making me think about things that would cause me pain. I didn't want toremember the forest. Even as I shuddered away from the images, I felt my eyes fill with tears and the aching begin around the edges of the hole in my chest. I took one hand from the steering wheel andwrapped it around my torso to hold it in one piece.
　　It will be as if I'd never existed. The words ran through my head, lacking the perfect clarity of myhallucination last night. They were just words, soundless, like print on a page. Just words, but they rippedthe hole wide open, and I stomped on the brake, knowing I should not drive while this incapacitated.
　　I curled over, pressing my face against the steering wheel and trying to breathe without lungs.
　　I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now—if the pain would just decreaseto the point where I could bear it—I would be able to look back on those few short months that wouldalways be the best of my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow meto do that, I was sure that I would feel grateful for as much time as he'd given me. More than I'd askedfor, more than I'd deserved. Maybe someday I'd be able to see it that way.
　　But what if this hole never got any better? If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was permanentand irreversible?
　　I held myself tightly together. As if he'd never existed, I thought in despair. What a stupid andimpossible promise to make! He could steal my pictures and reclaim his gifts, but that didn't put thingsback the way they'd been before I'd met him. The physical evidence was the most insignificant part of theequation. I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition. Even my outsideslooked different—my face sallow, white except for the purple circles the nightmares had left under myeyes. My eyes were dark enough against my pallid skin that—if I were beautiful, and seen from adistance—I might even pass for a vampire now. But I was not beautiful, and I probably looked closer toa zombie.
　　As if he'd never existed? That was insanity. It was a promise that he could never keep, a promise thatwas broken as soon as he'd made it.
　　I thumped my head against the steering wheel, trying to distract myself from the sharper pain.
　　It made me feel silly for ever worrying about keeping my promise. Where was the logic in sticking to anagreement that had already been violated by the other party? Who cared if I was reckless and stupid?
　　There was no reason to avoid recklessness, no reason why I shouldn't get to be stupid.
　　I laughed humorlessly to myself, still gasping for air. Reckless in Forks—now there was a hopelessproposition.
　　The dark humor distracted me, and the distraction eased the pain. My breath came easier, and I wasable to lean back against the seat. Though it was cold today, my forehead was damp with sweat.
　　I concentrated on my hopeless proposition to keep from sliding back into the excruciating memories. Tobe reckless in Forks would take a lot of creativity—maybe more than I had. But I wished I could findsome way… I might feel better if I weren't holding fast, all alone, to a broken pact. If I were anoath-breaker, too. But how could I cheat on my side of the deal, here in this harmless little town? Ofcourse, Forks hadn't always been so harmless, but now it was exactly what it had always appeared tobe. It was dull, it was safe.
　　I stared out the windshield for a long moment, my thoughts moving sluggishly—I couldn't seem to makethose thoughts go anywhere. I cut the engine, which was groaning in a pitiful way after idling for so long,and stepped out into the drizzle.
　　 The cold rain dripped through my hair and then trickled across my cheeks like freshwater tears. It helpedto clear my head. I blinked the water from my eyes, staring blankly across the road.
　　After a minute of staring, I recognized where I was. I'd parked in the middle of the north lane of RussellAvenue. I was standing in front of the Cheneys' house—my truck was blocking their driveway—andacross the road lived the Markses. I knew I needed to move my truck, and that I ought to go home. Itwas wrong to wander the way I had, distracted and impaired, a menace on the roads of Forks. Besides,someone would notice me soon enough, and report me to Charlie.
　　As I took a deep breath in preparation to move, a sign in the Markses' yard caught my eye—it was just abig piece of cardboard leaning against their mailbox post, with black letters scrawled in caps across it.
　　Sometimes, kismet happens.
　　Coincidence? Or was it meant to be? I didn't know, but it seemed kind of silly to think that it wassomehow fated, that the dilapidated motorcycles rusting in the Markses' front yard beside thehand-printed FOR SALE, AS IS sign were serving some higher purpose by existing there, right where Ineeded them to be.
　　So maybe it wasn't kismet. Maybe there were just all kinds of ways to be reckless, and I only now hadmy eyes open to them.
　　Reckless and stupid. Those were Charlie's two very favorite words to apply to motorcycles.
　　Charlie's job didn't get a lot of action compared to cops in bigger towns, but he did get called in on trafficaccidents. With the long, wet stretches of freeway twisting and turning through the forest, blind cornerafter blind corner, there was no shortage of that kind of action. But even with all the huge log-haulersbarreling around the turns, mostly people walked away. The exceptions to that rule were often onmotorcycles, and Charlie had seen one too many victims, almost always kids, smeared on the highway.
　　He'd made me promise before I was ten that I would never accept a ride on a motorcycle. Even at thatage, I didn't have to think twice before promising. Who would want to ride a motorcycle here? It wouldbe like taking a sixty-mile-per-hour bath.
　　So many promises I kept…It clicked together for me then. I wanted to be stupid and reckless, and I wanted to break promises.
　　Why stop at one?
　　That's as far as I thought it through. I sloshed through the rain to the Markses' front door and rang thebell.
　　One of the Marks boys opened the door, the younger one, the freshman. I couldn't remember his name.
　　His sandy hair only came up to my shoulder.
　　He had no trouble remembering my name. "Bella Swan?" he asked in surprise.
　　"How much do you want for the bike?" I panted, jerking my thumb over my shoulder toward the salesdisplay.
　　"Are you serious?" he demanded.
　　"Of course I am.""They don't work." I sighed impatiently—this was something I'd already inferred from the sign. "How much?""If you really want one, just take it. My mom made my dad move them down to the road so they'd getpicked up with the garbage."I glanced at the bikes again and saw that they were resting on a pile of yard clippings and dead branches.
　　"Are you positive about that?""Sure, you want to ask her?"It was probably better not to involve adults who might mention this to Charlie.
　　"No, I believe you.""You want me to help you?" he offered. "They're not light.""Okay, thanks. I only need one, though.""Might as well take both," the boy said. "Maybe you could scavenge some parts."He followed me out into the downpour and helped me load both of the heavy bikes into the back of mytruck. He seemed eager to be rid of them, so I didn't argue.
　　"What are you going to do with them, anyway?" he asked. "They haven't worked in years.""I kind of guessed that," I said, shrugging. My spur-of-the-moment whim hadn't come with a plan intact.
　　"Maybe I'll take them to Dowling's."He snorted. "Dowling would charge more to fix them than they'd be worth running."I couldn't argue with that. John Dowling had earned a reputation for his pricing; no one went to himexcept in an emergency. Most people preferred to make the drive up to Port Angeles, if their car wasable. I'd been very lucky on that front—I'd been worried, when Charlie first gifted me my ancient truck,that I wouldn't be able to afford to keep it running. But I'd never had a single problem with it, other thanthe screaming-loud engine and the fifty-five-mile-per-hour maximum speed limit. Jacob Black had kept itin great shape when it had belonged to his father, Billy…Inspiration hit like a bolt of lightning—not unreasonable, considering the storm. "You know what? That'sokay. I know someone who builds cars.""Oh. That's good." He smiled in relief.
　　He waved as I pulled away, still smiling. Friendly kid.
　　I drove quickly and purposefully now, in a hurry to get home before there was the slightest chance ofCharlie appearing, even in the highly unlikely event that he might knock off early. I dashed through thehouse to the phone, keys still in hand.
　　"Chief Swan, please," I said when the deputy answered. "It's Bella.""Oh, hey, Bella," Deputy Steve said affably. "I'll go get him."I waited.
　　"What's wrong, Bella?" Charlie demanded as soon as he picked up the phone.
　　 "Can't I call you at work without there being an emergency?"He was quiet for a minute. "You never have before. Is there an emergency?""No. I just wanted directions to the Blacks' place—I'm not sure I can remember the way. I want to visitJacob. I haven't seen him in months."When Charlie spoke again, his voice was much happier. "That's a great idea, Bells. Do you have a pen?"The directions he gave me were very simple. I assured him that I would be back for dinner, though hetried to tell me not to hurry. He wanted to join me in La Push, and I wasn't having that.
　　So it was with a deadline that I drove too quickly through the storm-darkened streets out of town. Ihoped I could get Jacob alone. Billy would probably tell on me if he knew what I was up to.
　　While I drove, I worried a little bit about Billy's reaction to seeing me. He would be too pleased. InBilly's mind, no doubt, this had all worked out better than he had dared to hope. His pleasure and reliefwould only remind me of the one I couldn't bear to be reminded of. Not again today, I pleaded silently.
　　I was spent.
　　The Blacks' house was vaguely familiar, a small wooden place with narrow windows, the dull red paintmaking it resemble a tiny barn. Jacob's head peered out of the window before I could even get out of thetruck. No doubt the familiar roar of the engine had tipped him off to my approach. Jacob had been verygrateful when Charlie bought Billy's truck for me, saving Jacob from having to drive it when he came ofage. I liked my truck very much, but Jacob seemed to consider the speed restrictions a shortcoming.
　　He met me halfway to the house.
　　"Bella!" His excited grin stretched wide across his face, the bright teeth standing in vivid contrast to thedeep russet color of his skin. I'd never seen his hair out of its usual ponytail before. It fell like black satincurtains on either side of his broad face.
　　Jacob had grown into some of his potential in the last eight months. He'd passed that point where the softmuscles of childhood hardened into the solid, lanky build of a teenager; the tendons and veins hadbecome prominent under the red-brown skin of his arms, his hands. His face was still sweet like Iremembered it, though it had hardened, too—the planes of his cheekbones sharper, his jaw squared off,all childish roundness gone.
　　"Hey, Jacob!" I felt an unfamiliar surge of enthusiasm at his smile. I realized that I was pleased to see him.
　　This knowledge surprised me.
　　I smiled back, and something clicked silently into place, like two corresponding puzzle pieces. I'dforgotten how much I really liked Jacob Black.
　　He stopped a few feet away from me, and I stared up at him in surprise, leaning my head back thoughthe rain pelted my face.
　　"You grew again!" I accused in amazement.
　　He laughed, his smile widening impossibly. "Six five," he announced with self-satisfaction. His voice wasdeeper, but it had the husky tone I remembered.
　　"Is it ever going to stop?" I shook my head in disbelief. "You're huge." "Still a beanpole, though." He grimaced. "Come inside! You're getting all wet."He led the way, twisting his hair in his big hands as he walked. He pulled a rubber band from his hippocket and wound it around the bundle.
　　"Hey, Dad," he called as he ducked to get through the front door. "Look who stopped by."Billy was in the tiny square living room, a book in his hands. He set the book in his lap and wheeledhimself forward when he saw me.
　　"Well, what do you know! It's good to see you, Bella."We shook hands. Mine was lost in his wide grasp.
　　"What brings you out here? Everything okay with Charlie?""Yes, absolutely. I just wanted to see Jacob—I haven't seen him in forever."Jacob's eyes brightened at my words. He was smiling so big it looked like it would hurt his cheeks.
　　"Can you stay for dinner?" Billy was eager, too.
　　"No, I've got to feed Charlie, you know.""I'll call him now," Billy suggested. "He's always invited."I laughed to hide my discomfort. "It's not like you'll never see me again. I promise I'll be back againsoon—so much you'll get sick of me." After all, if Jacob could fix the bike, someone had to teach mehow to ride it.
　　Billy chuckled in response. "Okay, maybe next time.""So, Bella, what do you want to do?" Jacob asked.
　　"Whatever. What were you doing before I interrupted?" I was strangely comfortable here. It was familiar,but only distantly. There were no painful reminders of the recent past.
　　Jacob hesitated. "I was just heading out to work on my car, but we can do something else…""No, that's perfect!" I interrupted. "I'd love to see your car.""Okay," he said, not convinced. "It's out back, in the garage."Even better, I thought to myself. I waved at Billy. "See you later."A thick stand of trees and shrubbery concealed his garage from the house. The garage was no more thana couple of big preformed sheds that had been bolted together with their interior walls knocked out.
　　Under this shelter, raised on cinder blocks, was what looked to me like a completed automobile. Irecognized the symbol on the grille, at least.
　　"What kind of Volkswagen is that?" I asked.
　　"It's an old Rabbit—1986, a classic.""How's it going?" "Almost finished," he said cheerfully. And then his voice dropped into a lower key. "My dad made goodon his promise last spring.""Ah," I said.
　　He seemed to understand my reluctance to open the subject. I tried not to remember last May at theprom. Jacob had been bribed by his father with money and car parts to deliver a message there. Billywanted me to stay a safe distance from the most important person in my life. It turned out that hisconcern was, in the end, unnecessary. I was all too safe now.
　　But I was going to see what I could do to change that.
　　"Jacob, what do you know about motorcycles?" I asked.
　　He shrugged. "Some. My friend Embry has a dirt bike. We work on it together sometimes. Why?""Well…" I pursed my lips as I considered. I wasn't sure if he could keep his mouth shut, but I didn't havemany other options. "I recently acquired a couple of bikes, and they're not in the greatest condition. Iwonder if you could get them running?""Cool." He seemed truly pleased by the challenge. His face glowed. "I'll give it a try."I held up one finger in warning. "The thing is," I explained, "Charlie doesn't approve of motorcycles.
　　Honestly, he'd probably bust a vein in his forehead if he knew about this. So you can't tell Billy.""Sure, sure." Jacob smiled. "I understand.""I'll pay you," I continued.
　　This offended him. "No. I want to help. You can't pay me.""Well… how about a trade, then?" I was making this up as I went, but it seemed reasonable enough. "Ionly need one bike—and I'll need lessons, too. So how about this? I'll give you the other bike, and thenyou can teach me.""Swee-eet." He made the word into two syllables.
　　"Wait a sec—are you legal yet? When's your birthday?""You missed it," he teased, narrowing his eyes in mock resentment. "I'm sixteen.""Not that your age ever stopped you before," I muttered. "Sorry about your birthday.""Don't worry about it. I missed yours. What are you, forty?"I sniffed. "Close.""We'll have a joint party to make up for it.""Sounds like a date."His eyes sparkled at the word.
　　I needed to reign in the enthusiasm before I gave him the wrong idea—it was just that it had been a longtime since I'd felt so light and buoyant. The rarity of the feeling made it more difficult to manage.
　　 "Maybe when the bikes are finished—our present to ourselves," I added.
　　"Deal. When will you bring them down?"I bit my lip, embarrassed. "They're in my truck now," I admitted.
　　"Great." He seemed to mean it.
　　"Will Billy see if we bring them around?"He winked at me. "We'll be sneaky."We eased around from the east, sticking to the trees when we were in view of the windows, affecting acasual-looking stroll, just in case. Jacob unloaded the bikes swiftly from the truck bed, wheeling themone by one into the shrubbery where I hid. It looked too easy for him—I'd remembered the bikes beingmuch, much heavier than that.
　　"These aren't half bad," Jacob appraised as we pushed them through the cover of the trees. "This onehere will actually be worth something when I'm done—it's an old Harley Sprint.""That one's yours, then.""Are you sure?""Absolutely.""These are going to take some cash, though," he said, frowning down at the blackened metal. "We'll haveto save up for parts first.""We nothing," I disagreed. "If you're doing this for free, I'll pay for the parts.""I don't know…" he muttered.
　　"I've got some money saved. College fund, you know." College, schmollege, I thought to myself. Itwasn't like I'd saved up enough to go anywhere special—and besides, I had no desire to leave Forksanyway. What difference would it make if I skimmed a little bit off the top?
　　Jacob just nodded. This all made perfect sense to him.
　　As we skulked back to the makeshift garage, I contemplated my luck. Only a teenage boy would agreeto this: deceiving both our parents while repairing dangerous vehicles using money meant for my collegeeducation. He didn't see anything wrong with that picture. Jacob was a gift from the gods.
Chapter 6 Friends
THE MOTORCYCLES DIDN'T NEED TO BE HIDDEN ANY further than simply placing them inJacob's shed. Billy's wheelchair couldn't maneuver the uneven ground separating it from the house.
　　Jacob started pulling the first bike—the red one, which was destined for me—to pieces immediately. Heopened up the passenger door of the Rabbit so I could sit on the seat instead of the ground. While heworked, Jacob chattered happily, needing only the lightest of nudges from me to keep the conversationrolling. He updated me on the progress of his sophomore year of school, running on about his classes and his two best friends.
　　"Quil and Embry?" I interrupted. "Those are unusual names."Jacob chuckled. "Quil's is a hand-me-down, and I think Embry got named after a soap opera star. I can'tsay anything, though. They fight dirty if you start on their names—they'll tag team you.""Good friends." I raised one eyebrow.
　　"No, they are. Just don't mess with their names."Just then a call echoed in the distance. "Jacob?" someone shouted.
　　"Is that Billy?" I asked.
　　"No." Jacob ducked his head, and it looked like he was blushing under his brown skin. "Speak of thedevil," he mumbled, "and the devil shall appear.""Jake? Are you out here?" The shouting voice was closer now.
　　"Yeah!" Jacob shouted back, and sighed.
　　We waited through the short silence until two tall, dark-skinned boys strolled around the corner into theshed.
　　One was slender, and almost as tall as Jacob. His black hair was chin-length and parted down themiddle, one side tucked behind his left ear while the right side swung free. The shorter boy was moreburly. His white T-shirt strained over his well-developed chest, and he seemed gleefully conscious of thatfact. His hair was so short it was almost a buzz.
　　Both boys stopped short when they saw me. The thin boy glanced swiftly back and forth between Jacoband me, while the brawny boy kept his eyes on me, a slow smile spreading across his face.
　　"Hey, guys," Jacob greeted them halfheartedly.
　　"Hey, Jake," the short one said without looking away from me. I had to smile in response, his grin was soimpish. When I did, he winked at me. "Hi, there.""Quil, Embry—this is my friend, Bella."Quil and Embry, I still didn't know which was which, exchanged a loaded look.
　　"Charlie's kid, right?" the brawny boy asked me, holding out his hand.
　　"That's right," I confirmed, shaking hands with him. His grasp was firm; it looked like he was flexing hisbicep.
　　"I'm Quil Ateara," he announced grandly before releasing my hand.
　　"Nice to meet you, Quil.""Hey, Bella. I'm Embry, Embry Call—you probably already figured that out, though." Embry smiled a shysmile and waved with one hand, which he then shoved in the pocket of his jeans.
　　I nodded. "Nice to meet you, too." "So what are you guys doing?" Quil asked, still looking at me.
　　"Bella and I are going to fix up these bikes," Jacob explained inaccurately. But bikes seemed to be themagic word. Both boys went to examine Jacob's project, drilling him with educated questions. Many ofthe words they used were unfamiliar to me, and I figured I'd have to have a Y chromosome to reallyunderstand the excitement.
　　They were still immersed in talk of parts and pieces when I decided that I needed to head back homebefore Charlie showed up here. With a sigh, I slid out of the Rabbit.
　　Jacob looked up, apologetic. "We're boring you, aren't we?""Naw." And it wasn't a lie. I was enjoying myself—how strange. "I just have to go cook dinner forCharlie.""Oh… well, I'll finish taking these apart tonight and figure out what more we'll need to get startedrebuilding them. When do you want to work on them again?""Could I come back tomorrow?" Sundays were the bane of my existence. There was never enoughhomework to keep me busy.
　　Quil nudged Embry's arm and they exchanged grins.
　　Jacob smiled in delight. "That would be great!""If you make a list, we can go shop for parts," I suggested.
　　Jacob's face fell a little. "I'm still not sure I should let you pay for everything."I shook my head. "No way. I'm bankrolling this party. You just have to supply the labor and expertise."Embry rolled his eyes at Quil.
　　"That doesn't seem right," Jacob shook his head.
　　"Jake, if I took these to a mechanic, how much would he charge me?" I pointed out.
　　He smiled. "Okay, you're getting a deal.""Not to mention the riding lessons," I added.
　　Quil grinned widely at Embry and whispered something I didn't catch. Jacob's hand flashed out to smackthe back of Quil's head. "That's it, get out," he muttered.
　　"No, really, I have to go," I protested, heading for the door. "I'll see you tomorrow, Jacob."As soon as I was out of sight, I heard Quil and Embry chorus, "Wooooo!"The sound of a brief scuffle followed, interspersed with an "ouch" and a "hey!""If either of you set so much as one toe on my land tomorrow…" I heard Jacob threaten. His voice waslost as I walked through the trees.
　　I giggled quietly. The sound made my eyes widen in wonder. I was laughing, actually laughing, and therewasn't even anyone watching. I felt so weightless that I laughed again, just make the feeling last longer.
　　 I beat Charlie home. When he walked in I was just taking the fried chicken out of the pan and laying it ona pile of paper towels.
　　"Hey, Dad." I flashed him a grin.
　　Shock flitted across his face before he pulled his expression together. "Hey, honey," he said, his voiceuncertain. "Did you have fun with Jacob?"I started moving the food to the table. "Yeah, I did.""Well, that's good." He was still cautious. "What did you two do?"Now it was my turn to be cautious. "I hung out in his garage and watched him work. Did you know he'srebuilding a Volkswagen?""Yeah, I think Billy mentioned that."The interrogation had to stop when Charlie began chewing, but he continued to study my face as he ate.
　　After dinner, I dithered around, cleaning the kitchen twice, and then did my homework slowly in the frontroom while Charlie watched a hockey game. I waited as long as I could, but finally Charlie mentioned thelate hour. When I didn't respond, he got up, stretched, and then left, turning out the light behind him.
　　Reluctantly, I followed.
　　As I climbed the stairs, I felt the last of the afternoon's abnormal sense of well-being drain from mysystem, replaced by a dull fear at the thought of what I was going to have to live through now.
　　I wasn't numb anymore. Tonight would, no doubt, be as horrific as last night. I lay down on my bed andcurled into a ball in preparation for the onslaught. I squeezed my eyes shut and… the next thing I next Iknew, it was morning.
　　I stared at the pale silver light coming through my window, stunned.
　　For the first time in more than four months, I'd slept without dreaming. Dreaming or screaming. I couldn'ttell which emotion was stronger—the relief or the shock.
　　I lay still in my bed for a few minutes, waiting for it to come back. Because something must be coming. Ifnot the pain, then the numbness. I waited, but nothing happened. I felt more rested than I had in a longtime.
　　I didn't trust this to last. It was a slippery, precarious edge that I balanced on, and it wouldn't take muchto knock me back down. Just glancing around my room with these suddenly clear eyes—noticing howstrange it looked, too tidy, like I didn't live here at all—was dangerous.
　　I pushed that thought from my mind, and concentrated, as I got dressed, on the fact that I was going tosee Jacob again today. The thought made me feel almost… hopeful. Maybe it would be the same asyesterday. Maybe I wouldn't have to remind myself to look interested and to nod or smile at appropriateintervals, the way I had to with everyone else. Maybe… but I wouldn't trust this to last, either. Wouldn'ttrust it to be the same—so easy—as yesterday. I wasn't going to set myself up for disappointment likethat.
　　At breakfast, Charlie was being careful, too. He tried to hide his scrutiny, keeping his eyes on his eggsuntil he thought I wasn't looking.
　　 "What are you up to today?" he asked, eyeing a loose thread on the edge of his cuff like he wasn't payingmuch attention to my answer.
　　"I'm going to hang out with Jacob again."He nodded without looking up. "Oh," he said.
　　"Do you mind?" I pretended to worry. "I could stay…"He glanced up quickly, a hint of panic in his eyes. "No, no! You go ahead. Harry was going to come upto watch the game with me anyway.""Maybe Harry could give Billy a ride up," I suggested. The fewer witnesses the better.
　　"That's a great idea."I wasn't sure if the game was just an excuse for kicking me out, but he looked excited enough now. Heheaded to the phone while I donned my rain jacket. I felt self-conscious with the checkbook shoved inmy jacket pocket. It was something I never used.
　　Outside, the rain came down like water slopped from a bucket. I had to drive more slowly than I wantedto; I could hardly see a car length in front of the truck. But I finally made it through the muddy lanes toJacob's house. Before I'd killed the engine, the front door opened and Jacob came running out with ahuge black umbrella.
　　He held it over my door while I opened it.
　　"Charlie called—said you were on your way," Jacob explained with a grin.
　　Effortlessly, without a conscious command to the muscles around my lips, my answering smile spreadacross my face. A strange feeling of warmth bubbled up in my throat, despite the icy rain splattering onmy cheeks.
　　"Hi, Jacob.""Good call on inviting Billy up." He held up his hand for a high five.
　　I had to reach so high to slap his hand that he laughed.
　　Harry showed up to get Billy just a few minutes later. Jacob took me on a brief tour of his tiny roomwhile we waited to be unsupervised.
　　"So where to, Mr. Goodwrench?" I asked as soon as the door closed behind Billy.
　　Jacob pulled a folded paper out of his pocket and smoothed it out. "We'll start at the dump first, see ifwe can get lucky. This could get a little expensive," he warned me. "Those bikes are going to need a lotof help before they'll run again." My face didn't look worried enough, so he continued. "I'm talking aboutmaybe more than a hundred dollars here."I pulled my checkbook out, fanned myself with it, and rolled my eyes at his worries. "We're covered."It was a very strange kind of day. I enjoyed myself. Even at the dump, in the slopping rain andankle-deep mud. I wondered at first if it was just the aftershock of losing the numbness, but I didn't thinkthat was enough of an explanation.
　　 I was beginning to think it was mostly Jacob. It wasn't just that he was always so happy to see me, orthat he didn't watch me out of the corner of his eye, waiting for me to do something that would mark meas crazy or depressed. It was nothing that related to me at all.
　　It was Jacob himself. Jacob was simply a perpetually happy person, and he carried that happiness withhim like an aura, sharing it with whoever was near him. Like an earthbound sun, whenever someone waswithin his gravitational pull, Jacob warmed them. It was natural, a part of who he was. No wonder I wasso eager to see him.
　　Even when he commented on the gaping hole in my dashboard, it didn't send me into a panic like itshould have.
　　"Did the stereo break?" he wondered.
　　"Yeah," I lied.
　　He poked around in the cavity. "Who took it out? There's a lot of damage…""I did," I admitted.
　　He laughed. "Maybe you shouldn't touch the motorcycles too much.""No problem."According to Jacob, we did get lucky at the dump. He was very excited about several grease-blackenedpieces of twisted metal that he found; I was just impressed that he could tell what they were supposed tobe.
　　From there we went to the Checker Auto Parts down in Hoquiam. In my truck, it was more than a twohour drive south on the winding freeway, but the time passed easily with Jacob. He chattered about hisfriends and his school, and I found myself asking questions, not even pretending, truly curious to hearwhat he had to say.
　　"I'm doing all the talking," he complained after a long story about Quil and the trouble he'd stirred up byasking out a senior's steady girlfriend. "Why don't you take a turn? What's going on in Forks? It has to bemore exciting than La Push.""Wrong," I sighed. "There's really nothing. Your friends are a lot more interesting than mine. I like yourfriends. Quil's funny."He frowned. "I think Quil likes you, too."I laughed. "He's a little young for me."Jacob's frown deepened. "He's not that much younger than you. It's just a year and a few months."I had a feeling we weren't talking about Quil anymore. I kept my voice light, teasing. "Sure, but,considering the difference in maturity between guys and girls, don't you have to count that in dog years?
　　What does that make me, about twelve years older?"He laughed, rolling his eyes. "Okay, but if you're going to get picky like that, you have to average in size,too. You're so small, I'll have to knock ten years off your total.""Five foot four is perfectly average." I sniffed. "It's not my fault you're a freak." We bantered like that till Hoquiam, still arguing over the correct formula to determine age—I lost twomore years because I didn't know how to change a tire, but gained one back for being in charge of thebookkeeping at my house—until we were in Checker, and Jacob had to concentrate again. We foundeverything left on his list, and Jacob felt confident that he could make a lot of progress with our haul.
　　By the time we got back to La Push, I was twenty-three and he was thirty—he was definitely weightingskills in his favor.
　　I hadn't forgotten the reason for what I was doing. And, even though I was enjoying myself more than I'dthought possible, there was no lessening of my original desire. I still wanted to cheat. It was senseless,and I really didn't care. I was going to be as reckless as I could possibly manage in Forks. I would notbe the only keeper of an empty contract. Getting to spend time with Jacob was just a much bigger perkthan I'd expected.
　　Billy wasn't back yet, so we didn't have to be sneaky about unloading our day's spoils. As soon as wehad everything laid out on the plastic floor next to Jacob's toolbox, he went right to work, still talking andlaughing while his fingers combed expertly through the metal pieces in front of him.
　　Jacob's skill with his hands was fascinating. They looked too big for the delicate tasks they performedwith ease and precision. While he worked, he seemed almost graceful. Unlike when he was on his feet;there, his height and big feet made him nearly as dangerous as I was.
　　Quil and Embry did not show up, so maybe his threat yesterday had been taken seriously.
　　The day passed too quickly. It got dark outside the mouth of the garage before I was expecting it, andthen we heard Billy calling for us.
　　I jumped up to help Jacob put things away, hesitating because I wasn't sure what I should touch.
　　"Just leave it," he said. "I'll work on it later tonight.""Don't forget your schoolwork or anything," I said, feeling a little guilty. I didn't want him to get in trouble.
　　That plan was just for me.
　　"Bella?"Both our heads snapped up as Charlie's familiar voice wafted through the trees, sounding closer than thehouse.
　　"Shoot," I muttered. "Coming!" I yelled toward the house.
　　"Let's go." Jacob smiled, enjoying the cloak-and-dagger. He snapped the light off, and for a moment Iwas blind. Jacob grabbed my hand and towed me out of the garage and through the trees, his feet findingthe familiar path easily. His hand was rough, and very warm.
　　Despite the path, we were both tripping over our feet in the darkness. So we were also both laughingwhen the house came into view. The laughter did not go deep; it was light and superficial, but still nice. Iwas sure he wouldn't notice the faint hint of hysteria. I wasn't used to laughing, and it felt right and alsovery wrong at the same time.
　　Charlie was standing under the little back porch, and Billy was sitting in the doorway behind them.
　　"Hey, Dad," we both said at the same time, and that started us laughing again.
　　 Charlie stared at me with wide eyes that flashed down to note Jacob's hand around mine.
　　"Billy invited us for dinner," Charlie said to us in an absentminded tone.
　　"My super secret recipe for spaghetti. Handed down for generations," Billy said gravely.
　　Jacob snorted. "I don't think Ragu's actually been around that long."The house was crowded. Harry Clearwater was there, too, with his family—his wife, Sue, whom I knewvaguely from my childhood summers in Forks, and his two children. Leah was a senior like me, but ayear older. She was beautiful in an exotic way—perfect copper skin, glistening black hair, eyelashes likefeather dusters—and preoccupied. She was on Billy's phone when we got in, and she never let it go.
　　Seth was fourteen; he hung on Jacob's every word with idolizing eyes.
　　There were too many of us for the kitchen table, so Charlie and Harry brought chairs out to the yard, andwe ate spaghetti off plates on our laps in the dim light from Billy's open door. The men talked about thegame, and Harry and Charlie made fishing plans. Sue teased her husband about his cholesterol and tried,unsuccessfully, to shame him into eating something green and leafy. Jacob talked mostly to me and Seth,who interrupted eagerly whenever Jacob seemed in danger of forgetting him. Charlie watched me, tryingto be inconspicuous about it, with pleased but cautious eyes.
　　It was loud and sometimes confusing as everyone talked over everyone else, and the laughter from onejoke interrupted the telling of another. I didn't have to speak often, but I smiled a lot, and only because Ifelt like it.
　　I didn't want to leave.
　　This was Washington, though, and the inevitable rain eventually broke up the party; Billy's living roomwas much too small to provide an option for continuing the get-together. Harry had driven Charlie down,so we rode together in my truck on the way back home. He asked about my day, and I told mostly thetruth—that I'd gone with Jacob to look at parts and then watched him work in his garage.
　　"You think you'll visit again anytime soon?" he wondered, trying to be casual about it.
　　"Tomorrow after school," I admitted. "I'll take homework, don't worry.""You be sure to do that," he ordered, trying to disguise his satisfaction.
　　I was nervous when we got to the house. I didn't want to go upstairs. The warmth of Jacob's presencewas fading and, in its absence, the anxiety grew stronger. I was sure I wouldn't get away with twopeaceful nights of sleep in a row.
　　To put bedtime off, I checked my e-mail; there was a new message from Renee.
　　She wrote about her day, a new book club that rilled the time slot of the meditation classes she'd justquit, her week subbing in the second grade, missing her kindergarteners. She wrote that Phil wasenjoying his new coaching job, and that they were planning a second honeymoon trip to Disney World.
　　And I noticed that the whole thing read like a journal entry, rather than a letter to someone else. Remorseflooded through me, leaving an uncomfortable sting behind. Some daughter I was.
　　I wrote back to her quickly, commenting on each part of her letter, volunteering information of myown—describing the spaghetti party at Billy's and how I felt watching Jacob build useful things out ofsmall pieces of metal—awed and slightly envious. I made no reference to the change this letter would be from the ones she'd received in the last several months. I could barely remember what I'd written to hereven as recently as last week, but I was sure it wasn't very responsive. The more I thought about it, theguiltier I felt; I really must have worried her.
　　I stayed up extra late after that, finishing more homework than strictly necessary. But neither sleepdeprivation nor the time spent with Jacob—being almost happy in a shallow kind of way—could keepthe dream away for two nights in a row.
　　I woke shuddering, my scream muffled by the pillow.
　　As the dim morning light filtered through the fog outside my window, I lay still in bed and tried to shakeoff the dream. There had been a small difference last night, and I concentrated on that.
　　Last night I had not been alone in the woods. Sam Uley—the man who had pulled me from the forestfloor that night I couldn't bear to think of consciously—was there. It was an odd, unexpected alteration.
　　The man's dark eyes had been surprisingly unfriendly, filled with some secret he didn't seem inclined toshare. I'd stared at him as often as my frantic searching had allowed; it made me uncomfortable, under allthe usual panic, to have him there. Maybe that was because, when I didn't look directly at him, his shapeseemed to shiver and change in my peripheral vision. Yet he did nothing but stand and watch. Unlike thetime when we had met in reality, he did not offer me his help.
　　Charlie stared at me during breakfast, and I tried to ignore him. I supposed I deserved it. I couldn'texpect him not to worry. It would probably be weeks before he stopped watching for the return of thezombie, and I would just have to try to not let it bother me. After all, I would be watching for the returnof the zombie, too. Two days was hardly long enough to call me cured.
　　School was the opposite. Now that I was paying attention, it was clear that no one was watching here.
　　I remembered the first day I'd come to Forks High School—how desperately I'd wished that I could turngray, fade into the wet concrete of the sidewalk like an oversized chameleon. It seemed I was getting thatwish answered, a year late.
　　It was like I wasn't there. Even my teachers' eyes slid past my seat as if it were empty.
　　I listened all through the morning, hearing once again the voices of the people around me. I tried to catchup on what was going on, but the conversations were so disjointed that I gave up.
　　Jessica didn't look up when I sat down next to her in Calculus.
　　"Hey, Jess," I said with put-on nonchalance. "How was the rest of your weekend?"She looked at me with suspicious eyes. Could she still be angry? Or was she just too impatient to dealwith a crazy person?
　　"Super," she said, turning back to her book.
　　"That's good," I mumbled.
　　The figure of speech cold shoulder seemed to have some literal truth to it. I could feel the warm airblowing from the floor vents, but I was still too cold. I took the jacket off the back of my chair and put iton again.
　　My fourth hour class got out late, and the lunch table I always sat at was full by the time I arrived. Mikewas there, Jessica and Angela, Conner, Tyler, Eric and Lauren. Katie Marshall, the redheaded junior who lived around the corner from me, was sitting with Eric, and Austin Marks—older brother to the boywith the motorcycles—was next to her. I wondered how long they'd been sitting here, unable toremember if this was the first day or something that was a regular habit.
　　I was beginning to get annoyed with myself. I might as well have been packed in Styrofoam peanutsthrough the last semester.
　　No one looked up when I sat down next to Mike, even though the chair squealed stridently against thelinoleum as I dragged it back.
　　I tried to catch up with the conversation.
　　Mike and Conner were talking sports, so I gave up on that one at once.
　　"Where's Ben today?" Lauren was asking Angela. I perked up, interested. I wondered if that meantAngela and Ben were still together.
　　I barely recognized Lauren. She'd cut off all her blond, corn-silk hair—now she had a pixie cut so shortthat the back was shaved like a boy. What an odd thing for her to do. I wished I knew the reason behindit. Did she get gum stuck in it? Did she sell it? Had all the people she was habitually nasty to caught herbehind the gym and scalped her? I decided it wasn't fair for me to judge her now by my former opinion.
　　For all I knew, she'd turned into a nice person.
　　"Ben's got the stomach flu," Angela said in her quiet, calm voice. "Hopefully it's just some twenty-fourhour thing. He was really sick last night."Angela had changed her hair, too. She'd grown out her layers.
　　"What did you two do this weekend?" Jessica asked, not sounding as if she cared about the answer. I'dbet that this was just an opener so she could tell her own stories. I wondered if she would talk about PortAngeles with me sitting two seats away? Was I that invisible, that no one would feel uncomfortablediscussing me while I was here?
　　"We were going to have a picnic Saturday, actually, but… we changed our minds," Angela said. Therewas an edge to her voice that caught my interest.
　　Jess, not so much. "That's too bad," she said, about to launch into her story. But I wasn't the only onewho was paying attention.
　　"What happened?" Lauren asked curiously.
　　"Well," Angela said, seeming more hesitant than usual, though she was always reserved, "we drove upnorth, almost to the hot springs—there's a good spot just about a mile up the trail. But, when we werehalfway there… we saw something.""Saw something? What?" Lauren's pale eyebrows pulled together. Even Jess seemed to be listening now.
　　"I don't know," Angela said. "We think it was a bear. It was black, anyway, but it seemed… too big."Lauren snorted. "Oh, not you, too!" Her eyes turned mocking, and I decided I didn't need to give her thebenefit of the doubt. Obviously her personality had not changed as much as her hair. "Tyler tried to sellme that one last week.""You're not going to see any bears that close to the resort," Jessica said, siding with Lauren.
　　 "Really," Angela protested in a low voice, looking down at the table. "We did see it."Lauren snickered. Mike was still talking to Conner, not paying attention to the girls.
　　"No, she's right," I threw in impatiently. "We had a hiker in just Saturday who saw the bear, too, Angela.
　　He said it was huge and black and just outside of town, didn't he, Mike?"There was a moment of silence. Every pair of eyes at the table turned to stare at me in shock. The newgirl, Katie, had her mouth hanging open like she'd just witnessed an explosion. Nobody moved.
　　"Mike?" I muttered, mortified. "Remember the guy with the bear story?""S-sure," Mike stuttered after a second. I didn't know why he was looking at me so strangely. I talked tohim at work, didn't I? Did I? I thought so…Mike recovered. "Yeah, there was a guy who said he saw a huge black bear right at thetrailhead—bigger than a grizzly," he confirmed.
　　"Hmph." Lauren turned to Jessica, her shoulders stiff, and changed the subject.
　　"Did you hear back from USC?" she asked.
　　Everyone else looked away, too, except for Mike and Angela. Angela smiled at me tentatively, and Ihurried to return the smile.
　　"So, what did you do this weekend, Bella?" Mike asked, curious, but oddly wary.
　　Everyone but Lauren looked back, waiting for my response.
　　"Friday night, Jessica and I went to a movie in Port Angeles. And then I spent Saturday afternoon andmost of Sunday down at La Push."The eyes flickered to Jessica and back to me. Jess looked irritated. I wondered if she didn't want anyoneto know she'd gone out with me, or whether she just wanted to be the one to tell the story.
　　"What movie did you see?" Mike asked, starting to smile.
　　"Dead End—the one with the zombies." I grinned in encouragement. Maybe some of the damage I'ddone in these past zombie months was reparable.
　　"I heard that was scary. Did you think so?" Mike was eager to continue the conversation.
　　"Bella had to leave at the end, she was so freaked," Jessica inserted with a sly smile.
　　I nodded, trying to look embarrassed. "It was pretty scary."Mike didn't stop asking me questions till lunch was over. Gradually, the others were able to start up theirown conversations again, though they still looked at me a lot. Angela talked mostly to Mike and me, and,when I got up to dump my tray, she followed.
　　"Thanks," she said in a low voice when we were away from the table.
　　"For what?""Speaking up, sticking up for me." "No problem."She looked at me with concern, but not the offensive, maybe-she's-lost-it kind. "Are you okay?"This is why I'd picked Jessica over Angela—though I'd always liked Angela more—for the girls' nightmovie. Angela was too perceptive.
　　"Not completely," I admitted. "But I'm a little bit better.""I'm glad," she said. "I've missed you."Lauren and Jessica strolled by us then, and I heard Lauren whisper loudly, "Oh, joy Bella's back."Angela rolled her eyes at them, and smiled at me in encouragement.
　　I sighed It was like I was starting all over again.
　　"What's today's date?" I wondered suddenly.
　　"It's January nineteenth.""Hmm.""What is it?" Angela asked.
　　"It was a year ago yesterday that I had my first day here," I mused.
　　"Nothing's changed much," Angela muttered, looking after Lauren and Jessica.
　　"I know, I agreed I was just thinking the same thing."
Chapter 7 Repetition
I WASN'T SURE WHAT THE HELL I WAS DOING HERE Was I trying to push myself back intothe zombie stupor? Had I turned masochistic—developed a taste for torture? I should have gone straightdown to La Push I felt much, much healthier around Jacob This was not a healthy thing to do.
　　But I continued to drive slowly down the overgrown lane, twisting through the trees that arched over melike a green, living tunnel My hands were shaking, so I tightened my grip on the steering wheel.
　　I knew that part of the reason I did this was the nightmare, now that I was really awake, the nothingnessof the dream gnawed on my nerves, a dog worrying a bone.
　　There was something to search for. Unattainable and impossible, uncaring and distracted… but he wasout there, somewhere. I had to believe that.
　　The other part was the strange sense of repetition I'd felt at school today, the coincidence of the date.
　　The feeling that I was starting over—perhaps the way my first day would have gone if I'd really been themost unusual person in the cafeteria that afternoon.
　　The words ran through my head, tonelessly, like I was reading them rather than hearing them spoken:
　　It will be as if I'd never existed.
　　 I was lying to myself by splitting my reason for coming here into just two parts. I didn't want to admit thestrongest motivation. Because it was mentally unsound.
　　The truth was that I wanted to hear his voice again, like I had in the strange delusion Friday night. Forthat brief moment, when his voice came from some other part of me than my conscious memory, whenhis voice was perfect and honey smooth rather than the pale echo my memories usually produced, I wasable to remember without pain. It hadn't lasted; the pain had caught up with me, as I was sure it wouldfor this fool's errand. But those precious moments when I could hear him again were an irresistible lure. Ihad to find some way to repeat the experience… or maybe the better word was episode.
　　I was hoping that déjà vu was the key. So I was going to his home, a place I hadn't been since myill-fated birthday party, so many months ago.
　　The thick, almost jungle-like growth crawled slowly past my windows. The drive wound on and on. Istarted to go faster, getting edgy. How long had I been driving? Shouldn't I have reached the house yet?
　　The lane was so overgrown that it did not look familiar.
　　What if I couldn't find it? I shivered. What if there was no tangible proof at all?
　　Then there was the break in the trees that I was looking for, only it was not so pronounced as before.
　　The flora here did not wait long to reclaim any land that was left unguarded. The tall ferns had infiltratedthe meadow around the house, crowding against the trunks of the cedars, even the wide porch. It waslike the lawn had been flooded—waist-high—with green, feathery waves.
　　And the house was there, but it was not the same. Though nothing had changed on the outside, theemptiness screamed from the blank windows. It was creepy. For the first time since I'd seen the beautifulhouse, it looked like a fitting haunt for vampires.
　　I hit the brakes, looking away. I was afraid to go farther.
　　But nothing happened. No voice in my head.
　　So I left the engine running and jumped out into the fern sea. Maybe, like Friday night, if I walkedforward…I approached the barren, vacant face slowly, my truck rumbling out a comforting roar behind me. Istopped when I got to the porch stairs, because there was nothing here. No lingering sense of theirpresence… of his presence. The house was solidly here, but it meant little. Its concrete reality would notcounteract the nothingness of the nightmares.
　　I didn't go any closer. I didn't want to look in the windows. I wasn't sure which would be harder to see.
　　If the rooms were bare, echoing empty from floor to ceiling, that would certainly hurt. Like mygrandmother's funeral, when my mother had insisted that I stay outside during the viewing. She had saidthat I didn't need to see Gran that way, to remember her that way, rather than alive.
　　But wouldn't it be worse if there were no change? If the couches sat just as I'd last seen them, thepaintings on the walls—worse still, the piano on its low platform? It would be second only to the housedisappearing all together, to see that there was no physical possession that tied them in anyway. Thateverything remained, untouched and forgotten, behind them.
　　Just like me.
　　I turned my back on the gaping emptiness and hurried to my truck. I nearly ran. I was anxious to begone, to get back to the human world. I felt hideously empty, and I wanted to see Jacob. Maybe I was developing a new kind of sickness, another addiction, like the numbness before. I didn't care. I pushedmy truck as fast as it would go as I barreled toward my fix.
　　Jacob was waiting for me. My chest seemed to relax as soon as I saw him, making it easier to breathe.
　　"Hey, Bella," he called.
　　I smiled in relief. "Hey, Jacob," I waved at Billy, who was looking out the window.
　　"Let's get to work," Jacob said in a low but eager voice.
　　I was somehow able to laugh. "You seriously aren't sick of me yet?" I wondered. He must be starting toask himself how desperate I was for company.
　　Jacob led the way around the house to his garage.
　　"Nope. Not yet.""Please let me know when I start getting on your nerves. I don't want to be a pain.""Okay." He laughed, a throaty sound. "I wouldn't hold your breath for that, though."When I walked into the garage, I was shocked to see the red bike standing up, looking like a motorcyclerather than a pile of jagged metal.
　　"Jake, you're amazing," I breathed.
　　He laughed again. "I get obsessive when I have a project." He shrugged. "If I had any brains I'd drag itout a little bit.""Why?"He looked down, pausing for so long that I wondered if he hadn't heard my question. Finally, he askedme, "Bella, if I told you that I couldn't fix these bikes, what would you say?"I didn't answer right away, either, and he glanced up to check my expression.
　　"I would say… that's too bad, but I'll bet we could figure out something else to do. If we got reallydesperate, we could even do homework."Jacob smiled, and his shoulders relaxed. He sat down next to the bike and picked up a wrench. "So youthink you'll still come over when I'm done, then?""Is that what you meant?" I shook my head. "I guess I am taking advantage of your very underpricedmechanical skills. But as long as you let me come over, I'll be here.""Hoping to see Quil again?" he teased.
　　"You caught me."He chuckled. "You really like spending time with me?" he asked, marveling.
　　"Very, very much. And I'll prove it. I have to work tomorrow, but Wednesday we'll do somethingnonmechanical.""Like what?" "I have no idea. We can go to my place so you won't be tempted to be obsessive. You could bring yourschoolwork—you have to be getting behind, because I know I am.""Homework might be a good idea." He made a face, and I wondered how much he was leaving undoneto be with me.
　　"Yes," I agreed. "We'll have to start being responsible occasionally, or Billy and Charlie aren't going to beso easygoing about this." I made a gesture indicating the two of us as a single entity. He liked that—hebeamed.
　　"Homework once a week?" he proposed.
　　"Maybe we'd better go with twice," I suggested, thinking of the pile I'd just been assigned today.
　　He sighed a heavy sigh. Then he reached over his toolbox to a paper grocery sack. He pulled out twocans of soda, cracking one open and handing it to me. He opened the second, and held it upceremoniously.
　　"Here's to responsibility," he toasted. "Twice a week.""And recklessness every day in between," I emphasized.
　　He grinned and touched his can to mine.
　　I got home later than I'd planned and found Charlie had ordered a pizza rather than wait for me. Hewouldn't let me apologize.
　　"I don't mind," he assured me. "You deserve a break from all the cooking, anyway."I knew he was just relieved that I was still acting like a normal person, and he was not about to rock theboat.
　　I checked my e-mail before I started on my homework, and there was a long one from Renee. Shegushed over every detail I'd provided her with, so I sent back another exhaustive description of my day.
　　Everything but the motorcycles. Even happy-go-lucky Renee was likely to be alarmed by that.
　　School Tuesday had its ups and downs. Angela and Mike seemed ready to welcome me back with openarms—to kindly overlook my few months of aberrant behavior. Jess was more resistant. I wondered ifshe needed a formal written apology for the Port Angeles incident.
　　Mike was animated and chatty at work. It was like he'd stored up the semester's worth of talk, and itwas all spilling out now. I found that I was able to smile and laugh with him, though it wasn't as effortlessas it was with Jacob. It seemed harmless enough, until quitting time.
　　Mike put the closed sign in the window while I folded my vest and shoved it under the counter.
　　"This was fun tonight," Mike said happily.
　　"Yeah," I agreed, though I'd much rather have spent the afternoon in the garage.
　　"It's too bad that you had to leave the movie early last week."I was a little confused by his train of thought. I shrugged. "I'm just a wimp, I guess." "What I mean is, you should go to a better movie, something you'd enjoy," he explained.
　　"Oh," I muttered, still confused.
　　"Like maybe this Friday. With me. We could go see something that isn't scary at all."I bit my lip.
　　I didn't want to screw things up with Mike, not when he was one of the only people ready to forgive mefor being crazy. But this, again, felt far too familiar. Like the last year had never happened. I wished I hadJess as an excuse this time.
　　"Like a date?" I asked. Honesty was probably the best policy at this point. Get it over with.
　　He processed the tone of my voice "If you want. But it doesn't have to be like that.""I don't date," I said slowly, realizing how true that was. That whole world seemed impossibly distant.
　　"Just as friends?" he suggested. His clear blue eyes were not as eager now. I hoped he really meant thatwe could be friends anyway.
　　"That would be fun. But I actually have plans already this Friday, so maybe next week?""What are you doing?" he asked, less casually than I think he wanted to sound.
　　"Homework. I have a… study session planned with a friend.""Oh. Okay. Maybe next week."He walked me to my car, less exuberant than before. It reminded me so clearly of my first months inForks. I'd come full circle, and now everything felt like an echo—an empty echo, devoid of the interest itused to have.
　　The next night, Charlie didn't seem the smallest bit surprised to find Jacob and me sprawled across theliving room floor with our books scattered around us, so I guessed that he and Billy were talking behindour backs.
　　"Hey, kids," he said, his eyes straying to the kitchen. The smell of the lasagna I'd spent the afternoonmaking—while Jacob watched and occasionally sampled—wafted down the hall; I was being good,trying to atone for all the pizza.
　　Jacob stayed for dinner, and took a plate home for Billy. He grudgingly added another year to mynegotiable age for being a good cook.
　　Friday was the garage, and Saturday, after my shift at Newton's, was homework again. Charlie feltsecure enough in my sanity to spend the day fishing with Harry. When he got back, we were alldone—feeling very sensible and mature about it, too—and watching Monster Garage on the DiscoveryChannel.
　　"I probably ought to go." Jacob sighed. "It's later than I thought.""Okay, fine," I grumbled. "I'll take you home."He laughed at my unwilling expression—it seemed to please him.
　　 "Tomorrow, back to work," I said as soon as we were safe in the truck. "What time do you want me tocome up?"There was an unexplained excitement in his answering smile. "I'll call you first, okay?""Sure." I frowned to myself, wondering what was up. His smile widened.
　　I cleaned the house the next morning—waiting for Jacob to call and trying to shake off the Litestnightmare. The scenery had changed. Last night I'd wandered in a wide sea of ferns interspersed withhuge hemlock trees. There was nothing else there, and I was lost, wandering aimless and alone, searchingfor nothing. I wanted to kick myself for the stupid field trip last week. I shoved the dream out of myconscious mind, hoping it would stay locked up somewhere and not escape again.
　　Charlie was outside washing the cruiser, so when the phone rang, I dropped the toilet brush and randownstairs to answer it.
　　"Hello?" I asked breathlessly.
　　"Bella," Jacob said, a strange, formal tone to his voice.
　　"Hey, Jake.""I believe that… we have a date" he said, his tone thick with implications.
　　It took me a second before I got it. "They're done? I can't believe it!" What perfect timing. I neededsomething to distract me from nightmares and nothingness.
　　"Yeah, they run and everything.""Jacob, you are absolutely, without a doubt, the most talented and wonderful person I know. You get tenyears for this one.""Cool! I'm middle-aged now."I laughed. "I'm on my way up!"I threw the cleaning supplies under the bathroom counter and grabbed my jacket.
　　"Headed to see Jake," Charlie said when I ran past him. It wasn't really a question.
　　"Yep," I replied as I jumped in my truck.
　　"I'll be at the station later," Charlie called after me.
　　"Okay," I yelled back, turning the key.
　　Charlie said something else, but I couldn't hear him clearly over the roar of the engine. It sounded sort oflike, "Where's the fire?"I parked my truck off to the side of the Blacks' house, close to the trees, to make it easier for us to sneakthe bikes out. When I got out, a splash of color caught my eye—two shiny motorcycles, one red, oneblack, were hidden under a spruce, invisible from the house. Jacob was prepared.
　　There was a piece of blue ribbon tied in a small bow around each of the handlebars. I was laughing atthat when Jacob ran out of the house.
　　 "Ready?" he asked in a low voice, his eyes sparkling.
　　I glanced over his shoulder, and there was no sign of Billy.
　　"Yeah," I said, but I didn't feel quite as excited as before; I was trying to imagine myself actually on themotorcycle.
　　Jacob loaded the bikes into the bed of the truck with ease, laying them carefully on their sides so theydidn't show.
　　"Let's go," he said, his voice higher than usual with excitement. "I know the perfect spot—no one willcatch us there."We drove south out of town. The dirt road wove in and out of the forest—sometimes there was nothingbut trees, and then there would suddenly be a breathtaking glimpse of the Pacific Ocean, reaching to thehorizon, dark gray under the clouds. We were above the shore, on top of the cliffs that bordered thebeach here and the view seemed to stretch on forever.
　　I was driving slowly, so that I could safely stare out across the ocean now and then, as the road woundcloser to the sea cliffs. Jacob was talking about finishing the bikes, but his descriptions were gettingtechnical, so I wasn't paying close attention.
　　That was when I noticed four figures standing on a rocky ledge, much too close to the precipice. Icouldn't tell from the distance how old they were, but I assumed they were men. Despite the chill in theair today, they seemed to be wearing only shorts.
　　As I watched, the tallest person stepped closer to the brink. I slowed automatically, my foot hesitatingover the brake pedal.
　　And then he threw himself off the edge.
　　"No!" I shouted, stomping down on the brake.
　　"What's wrong?" Jacob shouted back, alarmed.
　　"That guy—he just jumped off the cliff! Why didn't they stop him? We've got to call an ambulance!" Ithrew open my door and started to get out, which made no sense at all. The fastest way to a phone wasto drive back to Billy's. But I couldn't believe what I'd just seen. Maybe, subconsciously, I hoped Iwould see something different without the glass of the windshield in the way.
　　Jacob laughed, and I spun to stare at him wildly. How could he be so calloused, so cold-blooded?
　　"They're just cliff diving, Bella. Recreation. La Push doesn't have a mall, you know." He was teasing, butthere was a strange note of irritation in his voice.
　　"Cliff diving?" I repeated, dazed. I stared in disbelief as a second figure stepped to the edge, paused, andthen very gracefully leaped into space. He fell for what seemed like an eternity to me, finally cuttingsmoothly into the dark gray waves below.
　　"Wow. It's so high." I slid back into my seat, still staring wide-eyed at the two remaining divers. "It mustbe a hundred feet.""Well, yeah, most of us jump from lower down, that rock that juts out from the cliff about halfway." Hepointed out his window. The place he indicated did seem much more reasonable. "Those guys are insane.
　　 Probably showing off how tough they are. I mean, really, it's freezing today. That water can't feel good."He made a disgruntled face, as if the stunt personally offended him. It surprised me a little. I would havethought Jacob was nearly impossible to upset.
　　"You jump off the cliff?" I hadn't missed the "us.""Sure, sure." He shrugged and grinned. "It's fun. A little scary, kind of a rush."I looked back at the cliffs, where the third figure was pacing the edge. I'd never witnessed anything soreckless in all my life. My eyes widened, and I smiled. "Jake, you have to take me cliff diving."He frowned back at me, his face disapproving. "Bella, you just wanted to call an ambulance for Sam," hereminded me. I was surprised that he could tell who it was from this distance.
　　"I want to try," I insisted, start ing to get out of the car again.
　　Jacob grabbed my wrist. "Not today, all right? Can we at least wait for a warmer day?""Okay, fine," I agreed. With the door open, the glacial breeze was raising goose bumps on my arm. "ButI want to go soon.""Soon." He rolled his eyes. "Sometimes you're a little strange, Bella. Do you know that?"I sighed. "Yes.""And we're not jumping off the top."I watched, fascinated, as the third boy made a running start and flung himself farther into the empty airthan the other two. He twisted and cartwheeled through space as he fell, like he was skydiving. Helooked absolutely free—unthinking and utterly irresponsible.
　　"Fine," I agreed. "Not the first time, anyway."Now Jacob sighed.
　　"Are we going to try out the bikes or not?" he demanded.
　　"Okay, okay," I said, tearing my eyes away from the last person waiting on the cliff. I put my seat beltback on and closed the door. The engine was still running, roaring as it idled. We started down the roadagain.
　　"So who were those guys—the crazy ones?" I wondered.
　　He made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat. "The La Push gang.""You have a gang?" I asked. I realized that I sounded impressed.
　　He laughed once at my reaction. "Not like that. I swear, they're like hall monitors gone bad. They don'tstart fights, they keep the peace." He snorted. "There was this guy from up somewhere by the Makahrez, big guy too, scary-looking. Well, word got around that he was selling meth to kids, and Sam Uleyand his disciples ran him off our land. They're all about our land, and tribe pride… it's gettingridiculous. The worst part is that the council takes them seriously. Embry said that the council actuallymeets with Sam." He shook his head, face full of resentment. "Embry also heard from Leah Clearwaterthat they call themselves 'protectors' or something like that." Jacob's hands were clenched into fists, as if he'd like to hit something. I'd never seen this side of him.
　　I was surprised to hear Sam Uley's name. I didn't want it to bring back the images from my nightmare, soI made a quick observation to distract myself. "You don't like them very much.""Does it show?" he asked sarcastically.
　　"Well… It doesn't sound like they're doing anything bad." I tried to soothe him, to make him cheerfulagain. "Just sort of annoyingly goody-two-shoes for a gang.""Yeah. Annoying is a good word. They're always showing off—like the cliff thing. They act like… like, Idon't know. Like tough guys. I was hanging out at the store with Embry and Quil once, last semester, andSam came by with his followers, Jared and Paul. Quil said something, you know how he's got a bigmouth, and it pissed Paul off. His eyes got all dark, and he sort of smiled—no, he showed his teeth buthe didn't smile—and it was like he was so mad he was shaking or something. But Sam put his handagainst Paul's chest and shook his head. Paul looked at him for a minute and calmed down. Honestly, itwas like Sam was holding him back—like Paul was going to tear us up if Sam didn't stop him." Hegroaned. "Like a bad western. You know, Sam's a pretty big guy, he's twenty. But Paul's just sixteen,too, shorter than me and not as beefy as Quil. I think any one of us could take him.""Tough guys," I agreed. I could see it in my head as he described it, and it reminded me of something… atrio of tall, dark men standing very still and close together in my father's living room. The picture wassideways, because my head was lying against the couch while Dr. Gerandy and Charlie leaned overme… Had that been Sam's gang?
　　I spoke quickly again to divert myself from the bleak memories. "Isn't Sam a little too old for this kind ofthing?""Yeah. He was supposed to go to college, but he stayed. And no one gave him any crap about it, either.
　　The whole council pitched a fit when my sister turned down a partial scholarship and got married. But, ohno, Sam Uley can do no wrong."His face was set in unfamiliar lines of outrage—outrage and something else I didn't recognize at first.
　　"It all sounds really annoying and… strange. But I don't get why you're taking it so personally." I peekedover at his face, hoping I hadn't offended him. He was suddenly calm, staring out the side window.
　　"You just missed the turn," he said in an even voice.
　　I executed a very wide U-turn, nearly hitting a tree as my circle ran the truck halfway off the road.
　　"Thanks for the heads-up," I muttered as I started up the side road.
　　"Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."It was quiet for a brief minute.
　　"You can stop anywhere along here," he said softly.
　　I pulled over and cut the engine. My ears rang in the silence that followed. We both got out, and Jacobheaded around to the back to get the bikes. I tried to read his expression. Something more was botheringhim. I'd hit a nerve.
　　He smiled halfheartedly as he pushed the red bike to my side. "Happy late birthday. Are you ready for this?""I think so." The bike suddenly looked intimidating, frightening, as I realized I would soon be astride it.
　　"We'll take it slow," he promised. I gingerly leaned the motorcycle against the truck's fender while hewent to get his.
　　"Jake…"I hesitated as he came back around the truck.
　　"Yeah?""What's really bothering you? About the Sam thing, I mean? Is there something else?" I watched his face.
　　He grimaced, but he didn't seem angry. He looked at the dirt and kicked his shoe against the front tire ofhis bike again and again, like he was keeping time.
　　He sighed. "It's just… the way they treat me. It creeps me out." The words started to rush out now. "Youknow, the council is supposed to be made up of equals, but if there was a leader, it would be my dad.
　　I've never been able to figure out why people treat him the way they do. Why his opinion counts themost. It's got something to do with his father and his father's father. My great-grandpa, Ephraim Black,was sort of the last chief we had, and they still listen to Billy, maybe because of that.
　　"But I'm just like everyone else. Nobody treats me special… until now."That caught me off guard. "Sam treats you special?""Yeah," he agreed, looking up at me with troubled eyes. "He looks at me like he's waiting forsomething… like I'm going to join his stupid gang someday. He pays more attention to me than any of theother guys. I hate it.""You don't have to join anything." My voice was angry. This was really upsetting Jacob, and thatinfuriated me. Who did these "protectors" think they were?
　　"Yeah." His foot kept up its rhythm against the tire.
　　"What?" I could tell there was more.
　　He frowned, his eyebrows pulling up in a way that looked sad and worried rather than angry. "It'sEmbry. He's been avoiding me lately."The thoughts didn't seem connected, but I wondered if I was to blame for the problems with his friend.
　　"You've been hanging out with me a lot," I reminded him, feeling selfish. I'd been monopolizing him.
　　"No, that's not it. It's not just me—it's Quil, too, and everyone. Embry missed a week of school, but hewas never home when we tried to see him. And when he came back, he looked… he looked freakedout. Terrified. Quil and I both tried to get him to tell us what was wrong, but he wouldn't talk to eitherone of us."I stared at Jacob, biting my lip anxiously—he was really frightened. But he didn't look at me. He watchedhis own foot kicking the rubber as if it belonged to someone else. The tempo increased.
　　"Then this week, out of nowhere, Embry's hanging out with Sam and the rest of them. He was out on thecliffs today." His voice was low and tense.
　　He finally looked at me. "Bella, they bugged him even more than they bother me. He didn't want anythingto do with them. And now Embry's following Sam around like he's joined a cult.
　　 "And that's the way it was with Paul. Just exactly the same. He wasn't friends with Sam at all. Then hestopped coming to school for a few weeks, and, when he came back, suddenly Sam owned him. I don'tknow what it means. I can't figure it out, and I feel like I have to, because Embry's my friend and…Sam's looking at me funny . . and…" He trailed off.
　　"Have you talked to Billy about this?" I asked. His horror was spreading to me. I had chills running on theback of my neck.
　　Now there was anger on his face. "Yes," he snorted. "That was helpful.""What did he say?"Jacob's expression was sarcastic, and when he spoke, his voice mocked the deep tones of his father'svoice. "It's nothing you need to worry about now, Jacob. In a few years, if you don't… well, I'll explainlater." And then his voice was his own. "What am I supposed to get from that? Is he trying to say it'ssome stupid puberty, coming-of-age thing? This is something else. Something wrong."He was biting his lower lip and clenching his hands. He looked like he was about to cry.
　　I threw my arms around him instinctively, wrapping them around his waist and pressing my face againsthis chest. He was so big, I felt like I was a child hugging a grown-up.
　　"Oh, Jake, it'll be okay!" I promised. "If it gets worse you can come live with me and Charlie. Don't bescared, we'll think of something!"He was frozen for a second, and then his long arms wrapped hesitantly around me. "Thanks, Bella." Hisvoice was huskier than usual.
　　We stood like that for a moment, and it didn't upset me; in fact, I felt comforted by the contact. Thisdidn't feel anything like the last time someone had embraced me this way. This was friendship. And Jacobwas very warm.
　　It was strange for me, being this close—emotionally rather than physically, though the physical wasstrange for me, too—to another human being. It wasn't my usual style. I didn't normally relate to peopleso easily, on such a basic level.
　　Not human beings.
　　"If this is how you're going to react, I'll freak out more often." Jacob's voice was light, normal again, andhis laughter rumbled against my ear. His fingers touched my hair, soft and tentative.
　　Well, it was friendship for me.
　　I pulled away quickly, laughing with him, but determined to put things back in perspective at once.
　　"It's hard to believe I'm two years older than you," I said, emphasizing the word older. "You make mefeel like a dwarf." Standing this close to him, I really had to crane my neck to see his face.
　　"You're forgetting I'm in my forties, of course.""Oh, that's right."He patted my head. "You're like a little doll," he teased. "A porcelain doll."I rolled my eyes, taking another step away. "Let's not start with the albino cracks." "Seriously, Bella, are you sure you're not?" He stretched his russet arm out next to mine. The differencewasn't flattering. "I've never seen anyone paler than you… well, except for—" He broke off, and Ilooked away, trying to not understand what he had been about to say.
　　"So are we going to ride or what?""Let's do it," I agreed, more enthusiastic than I would have been half a minute ago. His unfinishedsentence reminded me of why I was here.
Chapter 8 Adrenaline
"OKAY, WHERE'S YOUR CLUTCH?"I pointed to the lever on my left handlebar. Letting go of the grip was a mistake. The heavy bike wobbledunderneath me, threatening to knock me sidewise. I grabbed the handle again, trying to hold it straight.
　　"Jacob, it won't stay up," I complained.
　　"It will when you're moving," he promised. "Now where's your brake?""Behind my right foot.""Wrong."He grabbed my right hand and curled my fingers around the lever over the throttle.
　　"But you said—""This is the brake you want. Don't use the back brake now, that's for later, when you know what you'redoing.""That doesn't sound right," I said suspiciously. "Aren't both brakes kind of important?""Forget the back brake, okay? Here—" He wrapped his hand around mine and made me squeeze thelever down. "That is how you brake. Don't forget." He squeezed my hand another time.
　　"Fine," I agreed.
　　"Throttle?"I twisted the right grip.
　　"Gearshift?"I nudged it with my left calf.
　　"Very good. I think you've got all the parts down. Now you just have to get itmoving.""Uh-huh," I muttered, afraid to say more. My stomach was contorting strangely and I thought my voicemight crack. I was terrified. I tried to tell myself that the fear was pointless. I'd already lived through theworst thing possible. In comparison with that, why should anything frighten me now? I should be able tolook death in the face and laugh.
　　 My stomach wasn't buying it.
　　I stared down the long stretch of dirt road, bordered by thick misty green on every side. The road wassandy and damp. Better than mud.
　　"I want you to hold down the clutch," Jacob instructed.
　　I wrapped my fingers around the clutch.
　　"Now this is crucial, Bella," Jacob stressed. "Don't let go of that, okay? I want you to pretend that I'vehanded you a live grenade. The pin is out and you are holding down the spoon."I squeezed tighter.
　　"Good. Do you think you can kick-start it?""If I move my foot, I will fall over," I told him through gritted teeth, my fingers tight around my livegrenade.
　　"Okay, I'll do it. Don't let go of the clutch."He took a step back, and then suddenly slammed his foot down on the pedal. There was a short rippingnoise, and the force of his thrust rocked the bike. I started to fall sideways, but Jake caught the bikebefore it knocked me to the ground.
　　"Steady there," he encouraged. "Do you still have the clutch?""Yes," I gasped.
　　"Plant your feet—I'm going to try again." But he put his hand on the back of the seat, too, just to be safe.
　　It took four more kicks before the ignition caught. I could feel the bike rumbling beneath me like an angryanimal. I gripped the clutch until my fingers ached.
　　"Try out the throttle," he suggested. "Very lightly. And don't let go of the clutch."Hesitantly, I twisted the right handle. Though the movement was tiny, the bike snarled beneath me. Itsounded angry and hungry now. Jacob smiled in deep satisfaction.
　　"Do you remember how to put it into first gear?" he asked.
　　"Yes.""Well, go ahead and do it.""Okay."He waited for a few seconds.
　　"Left foot," he prompted.
　　"I know," I said, taking a deep breath.
　　"Are you sure you want to do this?" Jacob asked. "You look scared.""I'm fine," I snapped. I kicked the gearshift down one notch.
　　 "Very good," he praised me. "Now, very gently, ease up on the clutch."He took a step away from the bike.
　　"You want me to let go of the grenade?" I asked in disbelief. No wonder he was moving back.
　　"That's how you move, Bella. Just do it little by little."As I began to loosen my grip, I was shocked to be interrupted by a voice that did not belong to the boystanding next to me.
　　"This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella," the velvet voice fumed.
　　"Oh!" I gasped, and my hand fell off the clutch.
　　The bike bucked under me, yanking me forward and then collapsing to the ground half on top of me. Thegrowling engine choked to a stop.
　　"Bella?" Jacob jerked the heavy bike off me with ease. "Are you hurt?"But I wasn't listening.
　　"I told you so," the perfect voice murmured, crystal clear.
　　"Bella?" Jacob shook my shoulder.
　　"I'm fine," I mumbled, dazed.
　　More than fine. The voice in my head was back. It still rang in my ears—soft, velvety echoes.
　　My mind ran swiftly through the possibilities. There was no familiarity here—on a road I'd never seen,doing something I'd never done before—no deja vu So the hallucinations must be triggered by somethingelse… I felt the adrenaline coursing through my veins again, and I thought I had the answer. Somecombination of adrenaline and danger, or maybe just stupidity.
　　Jacob was pulling me to my feet.
　　"Did you hit your head?" he asked.
　　"I don't think so." I shook it back and forth, checking. "I didn't hurt the bike, did I?" This thought worriedme. I was anxious to try again, right away. Being reckless was paying off better than I'd thought. Forgetcheating. Maybe I'd found a way to generate the hallucinations—that was much more important.
　　"No. You just stalled the engine," Jacob said, interrupting my quick speculations. "You let go of the clutchtoo fast."I nodded. "Let's try again.""Are you sure?" Jacob asked.
　　"Positive."This time I tried to get the kick-start myself. It was complicated; I had to jump a little to slam down onthe pedal with enough force, and every time I did that, the bike tried to knock me over. Jacob's handhovered over the handlebars, ready to catch me if I needed him.
　　 It took several good tries, and even more poor tries, before the engine caught and roared to life underme. Remembering to hold on to the grenade, I revved the throttle experimentally. It snarled at theslightest touch. My smile mirrored Jacob's now.
　　"Easy on the clutch," he reminded me.
　　"Do you want to kill yourself, then? Is that what this is about?" the other voice spoke again, his tonesevere.
　　I smiled tightly—it was still working—and ignored the questions. Jacob wasn't going to let anythingserious happen to me.
　　"Go home to Charlie," the voice ordered. The sheer beauty of it amazed me. I couldn't allow my memoryto lose it, no matter the price.
　　"Ease off slowly," Jacob encouraged me.
　　"I will," I said. It bothered me a bit when I realized I was answering both of them.
　　The voice in my head growled against the roar of the motorcycle.
　　Trying to focus this time, to not let the voice startle me again, I relaxed my hand by tiny degrees.
　　Suddenly, the gear caught and wrenched me forward.
　　And I was flying.
　　There was wind that wasn't there before, blowing my skin against my skull and flinging my hair backbehind me with enough force that it felt like someone was tugging on it. I'd left my stomach back at thestarting point; the adrenaline coursed through my body, tingling in my veins. The trees raced past me,blurring into a wall of green.
　　But this was only first gear. My foot itched toward the gearshift as I twisted for more gas.
　　"No, Bella!" the angry, honey-sweet voice ordered in my ear. "Watch what you're doing!"It distracted me enough from the speed to realize that the road was starting a slow curve to the left, and Iwas still going straight. Jacob hadn't told me how to turn.
　　"Brakes, brakes," I muttered to myself, and I instinctively slammed down with my right foot, like I wouldin my truck.
　　The bike was suddenly unstable underneath me, shivering first to one side and then the other. It wasdragging me toward the green wall, and I was going too fast. I tried to turn the handlebar the otherdirection, and the sudden shift of my weight pushed the bike toward the ground, still spinning toward thetrees.
　　The motorcycle landed on top of me again, roaring loudly, pulling me across the wet sand until it hitsomething stationary. I couldn't see. My face was mashed into the moss. I tried to lift my head, but therewas something in the way.
　　I was dizzy and confused. It sounded like there were three things snarling—the bike over me, the voice inmy head, and something else…"Bella!" Jacob yelled, and I heard the roar of the other bike cut off.
　　 The motorcycle no longer pinned me to the ground, and I rolled over to breathe. All the growling wentsilent.
　　"Wow," I murmured. I was thrilled. This had to be it, the recipe for a hallucination—adrenaline plusclanger plus stupidity. Something close to that, anyway.
　　"Bella!" Jacob was crouching over me anxiously. "Bella, are you alive?""I'm great!" I enthused. I flexed my arms and legs. Everything seemed to be working correctly. "Let's doitagain.""I don't think so." Jacob still sounded worried. "I think I'd better drive you to the hospital first.""I'mfine.""Um, Bella? You've got a huge cut on your forehead, and it's gushing blood," he informed me.
　　I clapped my hand over my head. Sure enough, it was wet and sticky. I could smell nothing but the dampmoss on my face, and that held off the nausea.
　　"Oh, I'm so sorry, Jacob." I pushed hard against the gash, as if I could force the blood back inside myhead.
　　"Why are you apologizing for bleeding?" he wondered as he wrapped a long arm around my waist andpulled me to my feet. "Let's go. I'll drive." He held out his hand for the keys.
　　"What about the bikes?" I asked, handing them over.
　　He thought for a second. "Wait here. And take this." He pulled off his T-shirt, already spotted withblood, and threw it to me. I wadded it up and held it tightly to my forehead. I was starting to smell theblood; I breathed deeply through my mouth and tried to concentrate on something else.
　　Jacob jumped on the black motorcycle, kicked it to a start in one try, and raced back down the road,spraying sand and pebbles behind him. He looked athletic and professional as he leaned over thehandlebars, head low, face forward, his shiny hair whipping against the russet skin of his back. My eyesnarrowed enviously. I was sure I hadn't looked like that on my motorcycle.
　　I was surprised at how far I'd gone. I could barely see Jacob in the distance when he finally got to thetruck. He threw the bike into the bed and sprinted to the driver's side.
　　I really didn't feel bad at all as he coaxed my truck to a deafening roar in his hurry to get back to me. Myhead stung a little, and my stomach was uneasy, but the cut wasn't serious. Head wounds just bled morethan most. His urgency wasn't necessary.
　　Jacob left the truck running as he raced back to me, wrapping his arm around my waist again.
　　"Okay, let's get you in the truck.""I'm honestly fine," I assured him as he helped me in. "Don't get worked up. It's just a little blood.""Just a lot of blood," I heard him mutter as he went back for my bike.
　　"Now, let's think about this for a second," I began when he got back in. "If you take me to the ER likethis, Charlie is sure to hear about it." I glanced down at the sand and dirt caked into my jeans.
　　 "Bella, I think you need stitches. I'm not going to let you bleed to death.""I won't," I promised. "Let's just take the bikes back first, and then we'll make a stop at my house so Ican dispose of the evidence before we go to the hospital.""What about Charlie?""He said he had to work today.""Are you really sure?""Trust me. I'm an easy bleeder. It's not nearly as dire as it looks."Jacob wasn't happy—his full mouth turned down in an uncharacteristic frown—but he didn't want to getme in trouble. I stared out the window, holding his ruined shirt to my head, while he drove me to Forks.
　　The motorcycle was better than I'd dreamed. It had served its original purpose. I'd cheated—broken mypromise. I'd been needlessly reckless. I felt a little less pathetic now that the promises had been brokenon both sides.
　　And then to discover the key to the hallucinations! At least, I hoped I had. I was going to test the theoryas soon as possible. Maybe they'd get through with me quickly in the ER, and I could try again tonight.
　　Racing down the road like that had been amazing. The feel of the wind in my face, the speed and thefreedom… it reminded me of a past life, flying through the thick forest without a road, piggyback while heran—I stopped thinking right there, letting the memory break off in the sudden agony. I flinched.
　　"You still okay?" Jacob checked.
　　"Yeah." I tried to sound as convincing as before.
　　"By the way," he added. "I'm going to disconnect your foot brake tonight."At home, I went to look at myself in the mirror first thing; it was pretty gruesome. Blood was drying inthick streaks across my cheek and neck, matting in my muddy hair. I examined myself clinically,pretending the blood was paint so it wouldn't upset my stomach. I breathed through my mouth, and wasfine.
　　I washed up as well as I could. Then I hid my dirty, bloody clothes in the bottom of my laundry basket,putting on new jeans and a button-up shirt (that I didn't have to pull over my head) as carefully as I could.
　　I managed to do this one-handed and keep both garments blood-free.
　　"Hurry up," Jacob called.
　　"Okay, okay," I shouted back. After making sure I left nothing incriminating behind me, I headeddownstairs.
　　"How do I look?" I asked him.
　　"Better," he admitted.
　　"But do I look like I tripped in your garage and hit my head on a hammer?""Sure, I guess so." "Let's go then."Jacob hurried me out the door, and insisted on driving again. We were halfway to the hospital when Irealized he was still shirtless.
　　I frowned guiltily. "We should have grabbed you a jacket.""That would have given us away," he teased. "Besides, it's not cold.""Are you kidding?" I shivered and reached out to turn the heat on.
　　I watched Jacob to see if he was just playing tough so I wouldn't worry, but he looked comfortableenough. He had one arm over the back of my seat, though I was huddled up to keep warm.
　　Jacob really did look older than sixteen—not quite forty, but maybe older than me. Quil didn't have toomuch on him in the muscle department, for all that Jacob claimed to be a skeleton. The muscles were thelong wiry kind, but they were definitely there under the smooth skin. His skin was such a pretty color, itmade me jealous.
　　Jacob noticed my scrutiny.
　　"What?" he asked, suddenly self-conscious.
　　"Nothing. I just hadn't realized before. Did you know, you're sort of beautiful?"Once the words slipped out, I worried that he might take my impulsive observation the wrong way.
　　But Jacob just rolled his eyes. "You hit your head pretty hard, didn't you?""I'm serious.""Well, then, thanks. Sort of."I grinned. "You're sort of welcome."I had to have seven stitches to c lose the cut on my forehead. After the sting of the local anesthetic, therewas no pain in the procedure. Jacob held my hand while Dr. Snow was sewing, and I tried not to thinkabout why that was ironic.
　　We were at the hospital forever. By the time I was done, I had to drop Jacob off at his home and hurryback to cook dinner for Charlie. Charlie seemed to buy my story about falling in Jacob's garage. Afterall, it wasn't like I hadn't been able to land myself in the ER before with no more help than my own feet.
　　This night was not as bad as that first night, after I'd heard the perfect voice in Port Angeles. The holecame back, the way it always did when I was away from Jacob, but it didn't throb so badly around theedges. I was already planning ahead, looking forward to more delusions, and that was a distraction.
　　Also, I knew I would feel better tomorrow when I was with Jacob again. That made the empty hole andthe familiar pain easier to bear; relief was in sight. The nightmare, too, had lost a little of its potency. I washorrified by the nothingness, as always, but I was also strangely impatient as I waited for the moment thatwould send me screaming into consciousness. I knew the nightmare had to end.
　　The next Wednesday, before I could get home from the ER, Dr. Gerandy called to warn my father that Imight possibly have a concussion and advised him to wake me up every two hours through the night tomake sure it wasn't serious. Charlie's eyes narrowed suspiciously at my weak explanation about trippingagain.
　　 "Maybe you should just stay out of the garage altogether, Bella," he suggested that night during dinner.
　　I panicked, worried that Charlie was about to lay down some kind of edict that would prohibit La Push,and consequently my motorcycle. And I wasn't giving it up—I'd had the most amazing hallucinationtoday. My velvet-voiced delusion had yelled at me for almost five minutes before I'd hit the brake tooabruptly and launched myself into the tree. I'd take whatever pain that would cause me tonight withoutcomplaint.
　　"This didn't happen in the garage," I protested quickly. "We were hiking, and I tripped over a rock.""Since when do you hike?" Charlie asked skeptically.
　　"Working at Newton's was bound to rub off sometime," I pointed out. "Spend every day selling all thevirtues of the outdoors, eventually you get curious."Charlie glared at me, unconvinced.
　　"I'll be more careful," I promised, surreptitiously crossing my fingers under the table.
　　"I don't mind you hiking right there around La Push, but keep close to town, okay?""Why?""Well, we've been getting a lot of wildlife complaints lately. The forestry department is going to check intoit, but for the time being…""Oh, the big bear," I said with sudden comprehension. "Yeah, some of the hikers coming throughNewton's have seen it. Do you think there's really some giant mutated grizzly out there?"His forehead creased. "There's something. Keep it close to town, okay?""Sure, sure," I said quickly. He didn't look completely appeased.
　　"Charlie's getting nosy," I complained to Jacob when I picked him up after school Friday.
　　"Maybe we should cool it with the bikes." He saw my objecting expression and added, "At least for aweek or so. You could stay out of the hospital for a week, right?""What are we going to do?" I griped.
　　He smiled cheerfully. "What ever you want."I thought about that for a minute—about what I wanted.
　　I hated the idea of losing even my brief seconds of closeness with the memories that didn't hurt—the onesthat came on their own, without me thinking of them consciously. If I couldn't have the bikes, I was goingto have to find some other avenue to the danger and the adrenaline, and that was going to take seriousthought and creativity. Doing nothing in the meantime was not appealing. Suppose I got depressed again,even with Jake? I had to keep occupied.
　　Maybe there was some other way, some other recipe… some other place.
　　The house had been a mistake, certainly. But his presence must be stamped somewhere, somewhereother than inside me. There had to be a place where he seemed more real than among all the familiarlandmarks that were crowded with other human memories.
　　 I could think of one place where that might hold true. One place that would always belong to him and noone else. A magic place, full of light. The beautiful meadow I'd seen only once in my life, lit by sunshineand the sparkle of his skin.
　　This idea had a huge potential for backfiring—it might be dangerously painful. My chest ached withemptiness even to think of it. It was hard to hold myself upright, to not give myself away. But surely, thereof all places, I could hear his voice. And I'd already told Charlie I was hiking…"What are you thinking about so hard?" Jacob asked.
　　"Well…" I began slowly. "I found this place in the forest once—I came across it when I was, um, hiking.
　　A little meadow, the most beautiful place. I don't know if I could track it down again on my own. Itwould definitely take a few tries…""We could use a compass and a grid pattern," Jacob said with confident helpfulness. "Do you knowwhere you started from?""Yes, just below the trailhead where the one-ten ends. I was going mostly south, I think.""Cool. We'll find it." As always, Jacob was game for anything I wanted. No matter how strange it was.
　　So, Saturday afternoon, I tied on my new hiking boots—purchased that morning using mytwenty-per-cent-off employee discount for the first time—grabbed my new topographical map of theOlympic Peninsula, and drove to La Push.
　　We didn't get started immediately; first, Jacob sprawled across the living room floor—taking up thewhole room—and, for a full twenty minutes, drew a complicated web across the key section of the mapwhile I perched on a kitchen chair and talked to Billy. Billy didn't seem at all concerned about ourproposed hiking trip. I was surprised that Jacob had told him where we were going, given the fuss peoplewere making about the bear sightings. I wanted to ask Billy not to say anything about this to Charlie, but Iwas afraid that making the request would cause the opposite result.
　　"Maybe we'll see the super bear," Jacob joked, eyes on his design.
　　I glanced at Billy swiftly, fearing a Charlie-style reaction.
　　But Billy just laughed at his son. "Maybe you should take a jar of honey, just in case."Jake chuckled. "Hope your new boots are fast, Bella. One little jar isn't going to keep a hungry bearoccupied for long.""I only have to be faster than you.""Good luck with that!" Jacob said, rolling his eyes as he refolded the map. "Let's go.""Have fun," Billy rumbled, wheeling himself toward the refrigerator.
　　Charlie was not a hard person to live with, but it looked to me like Jacob had it even easier than I did.
　　I drove to the very end of the dirt road, stopping near the sign that marked the beginning of the trailhead.
　　It had been a long time since I'd been here, and my stomach reacted nervously. This might be a very badthing. But it would be worth it, if I got to hear him.
　　I got out and looked at the dense wall of green.
　　 "I went this way," I murmured, pointing straight ahead.
　　"Hmm," Jake muttered.
　　"What?"He looked at the direction I'd pointed, then at the clearly marked trail, and back.
　　"I would have figured you for a trail kind of girl.""Not me." I smiled bleakly. "I'm a rebel."He laughed, and then pulled out our map.
　　"Give me a second." He held the compass in a skilled way, twisting the map around till it angled the wayhe wanted.
　　"Okay—first line on the grid. Let's do it."I could tell that I was slowing Jacob up, but he didn't complain. I tried not to dwell on my last trip throughthis part of the forest, with a very different companion. Normal memories were still cangerous. If I letmyself slip up, I'd end up with my arms clutching my chest to hold it together, gasping for air, and howwould I explain that to Jacob?
　　It wasn't as hard as I would have thought to keep focused on the present. The forest looked a lot like anyother part of the peninsula, and Jacob set a vastly different mood.
　　He whistled cheerfully, an unfamiliar tune, swinging his arms and moving easily through the roughundergrowth. The shadows didn't seem as dark as usual. Not with my personal sun along.
　　Jacob checked the compass every few minutes, keeping us in a straight line with one of the radiatingspokes of his grid. He really looked like he knew what he was doing. I was going to compliment him, butI caught myself. No doubt he'd add another few years to his inflated age.
　　My mind wandered as I walked, and I grew curious. I hadn't forgotten the conversation we'd had by thesea cliffs—I'd been waiting for him to bring it up again, but it didn't look like that was going to happen.
　　"Hey… Jake?" I asked hesitantly.
　　"Yeah?""How are things… with Embry? Is he back to normal yet?"Jacob was silent for a minute, still moving forward with long paces. When he was about ten feet ahead,he stopped to wait for me.
　　"No. He's not back to normal," Jacob said when I reached him, his mouth pulling down at the corners.
　　He didn't start walking again. I immediately regretted bringing it up.
　　"StillwithSam.""Yup."He put his arm around my shoulder, and he looked so troubled that I didn't playfully shake it off, as Imight have otherwise.
　　 "Are they still looking at you funny?" I half-whispered.
　　Jacob stared through the trees. "Sometimes.""AndBilly?""As helpful as ever," he said in a sour, angry voice that disturbed me.
　　"Our couch is always open," I offered.
　　He laughed, breaking out of the unnatural gloom. "But think of the position that would put Charliein—when Billy calls the police to report my kidnapping."I laughed too, glad to have Jacob back to normal.
　　We stopped when Jacob said we'd gone six miles, cut west for a short time, and headed back alonganother line of his grid. Everything looked exactly the same as the way in, and I had a feeling that my sillyquest was pretty much doomed. I admitted as much when it started to get darker, the sunless day fadingtoward a starless night, but Jacob was more confident.
　　"As long as you're sure we're starting from the right place…" He glanced down at me.
　　"Yes, I'm sure.""Then we'll find it," he promised, grabbing my hand and pulling me through a mass of ferns. On the otherside was the truck. He gestured toward it proudly. "Trust me.""You're good," I admitted. "Next time we bring flashlights, though.""We'll save hiking for Sundays from now on. I didn't know you were that slow."I yanked my hand back and stomped around to the driver's side while he chuckled at my reaction.
　　"So you up for another try tomorrow.'" he asked, sliding into the passenger seat.
　　"Sure. Unless you want to go without me so I don't tie you down to my gimpy pace.""I'll survive," he assured me. "If we're hiking again, though, you might want to pick up some moleskin. Ibet you can feel those new boots right now.""A little," I confessed. It felt like I had more blisters than I had space to fit them.
　　"I hope we see the bear tomorrow. I'm sort of disappointed about that.""Yes, me, too," I agreed sarcastically. "Maybe we'll get lucky tomorrow and something will eat us!""Bears don't want to eat people. We don't taste that good." He grinned at me in the dark cab. "Ofcourse, you might be an exception. I bet you'd taste good.""Thanks so much," I said, looking away. He wasn't the first person to tell me that.
Chapter 9 Third Wheel
TIME BEGAN TO TRIP ALONG MUCH MORE QUICKLY than before. School, work, andJacob—though not necessarily in that order—created a neat and effortless pattern to follow. And Charliegot his wish: I wasn't miserable anymore. Of course, I couldn't fool myself completely. When I stoppedto take stock of my life, which I tried not to do too often, I couldn't ignore the implications of mybehavior.
　　I was like a lost moon—my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario ofdesolation—that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind,ignoring the laws of gravity.
　　I was getting better with my bike, which meant fewer bandages to worry Charlie. But it also meant thatthe voice in my head began to fade, until I heard it no more. Quietly, I panicked. I threw myself into thesearch for the meadow with slightly frenzied intensity. I racked my brain for other adrenaline-producingactivities.
　　I didn't keep track of the days :hat passed—there was no reason, as I tried to live as much in the presentas possible, no past fading, no future impending. So I was surprised by the date when Jacob brought itup on one of our homework days. He was waiting when I pulled up in front of his house.
　　"Happy Valentine's Day," Jacob said, smiling, but ducking his head as he greeted me.
　　He held out a small, pink box, balancing it on his palm. Conversation hearts.
　　"Well, I feel like a schmuck," I mumbled. "Is today Valentine's Day?"Jacob shook his head with mock sadness. "You can be so out of it sometimes. Yes, it is the fourteenthday of February. So are you going to be my Valentine? Since you didn't get me a fifty-cent box of candy,it's the least you can do."I started to feel uncomfortable. The words were teasing, but only on the surface.
　　"What exactly does that entail?" I hedged.
　　"The usual—slave for life, that kind of thing.""Oh, well, if that's all…" I took the candy. But I was trying to think of some way to make the boundariesclear. Again. They seemed to get blurred a lot with Jacob.
　　"So, what are we doing tomorrow? Hiking, or the ER?""Hiking," I decided. "You're not the only one who can be obsessive. I'm starting to think I imagined thatplace…" I frowned into space.
　　"We'll find it," he assured me. "Bikes Friday?" he offered.
　　I saw a chance and took it without taking time to think it through.
　　"I'm going to a movie Friday. I've been promising my cafeteria crowd that I would go out forever." Mikewould be pleased.
　　But Jacob's face fell. I caught the expression in his dark eyes before he dropped them to look at theground.
　　"You'll come too, right?" I added quickly. "Or will it be too much of a drag with a bunch of boringseniors?" So much for my chance to put some distance between us. I couldn't stand hurting Jacob; we seemed to be connected in an odd way, and his pain set off little stabs of my own. Also, the idea ofhaving his company for the ordeal—I had promised Mike, but really didn't feel any enthusiasm at thethought of following through—was just too tempting.
　　"You'd like me to come, with your friends there?""Yes," I admitted honestly, knowing as I continued that I was probably shooting myself in the foot withmy words. "I'll have a lot more fun if you're there. Bring Quil, and we'll make it a party.""Quil's gonna freak. Senior girls." He chortled and rolled his eyes. I didn't mention Embry, and neither didhe. I laughed, too. "I'll try to get hin a good selection."I broached the subject with Mike in English.
　　"Hey, Mike," I said when class was over. "Are you free Friday night?"He looked up, his blue eyes instantly hopeful. "Yeah, I am. You want to go out?"I worded my reply carefully. "I was thinking about getting a group"—I emphasized the word—"togetherto go see Crosshairs." I'd done my homework this time—even reading the movie spoilers to be sure Iwouldn't be caught off guard. This movie was supposed to be a bloodbath from start to finish. I wasn't sorecovered that I could stand to sit through a romance. "Does that sound like fun?""Sure," he agreed, visibly less eager.
　　"Cool."After a second, he perked back up to near his former excitement level. "How about we get Angela andBen? Or Eric and Katie?"He was determined to make this some kind of double date, apparently.
　　"How about both?" I suggested "And Jessica, too, of course. And Tyler and Conner, and maybeLauren," I tacked on grudgingly. I had promised Quil variety.
　　"Okay," Mike muttered, foiled.
　　"And," I continued, "I've got a couple of friends from La Push I'm inviting. So it sounds like we'll needyour Suburban if everyone comes."Mike's eyes narrowed in suspicion.
　　"These are the friends you spend all your time studying with now?""Yep, the very ones," I answered cheerfully. "Though you could look at it as tutoring—they're onlysophomores.""Oh," Mike said, surprised. After a second of thought, he smiled.
　　In the end, though, the Suburban wasn't necessary.
　　Jessica and Lauren claimed to be busy as soon as Mike let it slip that I was involved in the planning. Ericand Katie already had plans—it was their three-week anniversary or something. Lauren got to Tyler andConner before Mike could, so those two were also busy. Even Quil was out—grounded for fighting atschool. In the end, only Angela and Ben, and, of course Jacob, were able to go.
　　 The diminished numbers didn't dampen Mike's anticipation, though. It was all he could talk about Friday.
　　"Are you sure you don't want to see Tomorrow and Forever instead?" he asked at lunch, naming thecurrent romantic comedy that was ruling the box office. "Rotten Tomatoes gave it a better review.""I want to see Crosshairs" I insisted. "I'm in the mood for action. Bring on the blood and guts!""Okay." Mike turned away, but not before I saw his maybe-she's-crazy-after-all expression.
　　When I got home from school, a very familiar car was parked in front of my house. Jacob was leaningagainst the hood, a huge grin lighting up his face.
　　"No way!" I shouted as I jumped out of the truck. "You're done! I can't believe it! You finished theRabbit!"He beamed. "Just last night. This is the maiden voyage.""Incredible." I held my hand up for a high five.
　　He smacked his hand against mine, but left it there, twisting his fingers through mine. "So do I get to drivetonight?""Definitely," I said, and then I sighed.
　　"What's wrong?""I'm giving up—I can't top this one. So you win. You're oldest."He shrugged, unsurprised by my capitulation. "Of course I am."Mike's Suburban chugged around the corner. I pulled my hand out of Jacob's, and he nude a face that Iwasn't meant to see.
　　"I remember this guy," he said in a low voice as Mike parked across the street. "The one who thoughtyou were his girlfriend. Is he still confused?"I raised one eyebrow. "Some people are hard to discourage.""Then again," Jacob said thoughtfully, "sometimes persistence pays off.""Most of the time it's just annoying, though."Mike got out of his car and crossed the road.
　　"Hey, Bella," he greeted me, and then his eyes turned wary as he looked up at Jacob. I glanced briefly atJacob, too, trying to be objective. He really didn't look like a sophomore at all. He was just sobig—Mike's head barely cleared Jacob's shoulder; I didn't even want to think where I measured next tohim—and then his face was older-looking than it used to be, even a month ago.
　　"Hey, Mike! Do you remember Jacob Black?""Not really." Mike held out his hand.
　　"Old family friend," Jacob introduced himself, shaking hands. They locked hands with more force thannecessary. When their grip broke, Mike flexed his fingers.
　　 I heard the phone ringing from the kitchen.
　　"I'd better get that—it might be Charlie," I told them, and dashed inside.
　　It was Ben. Angela was sick with the stomach flu, and he didn't feel like coming without her. Heapologized for bailing on us.
　　I walked slowly back to the waiting boys, shaking my head. I really hoped Angela would feel bettersoon, but I had to admit that I was selfishly upset by this development. Just the three of us, Mike andJacob and me, together for the evening—this had worked out brilliantly, I thought with grim sarcasm.
　　It didn't seem like Jake and Mike had made any progress towards friendship in my absence. They wereseveral yards apart, facing away from each other as they waited for me; Mike's expression was sullen,though Jacob's was cheerful as always.
　　"Ang is sick," I told them glumly. "She and Ben aren't coming.""I guess the flu is making another round. Austin and Conner were out today, too. Maybe we should dothis another time," Mike suggested.
　　Before I could agree, Jacob spoke.
　　"I'm still up for it. But if you'd rather to stay behind, Mike—""No, I'm coming," Mike interrupted. "I was just thinking of Angela and Ben. Let's go." He started towardhis Suburban.
　　"Hey, do you mind if Jacob drives?" I asked. "I told him he could—he just finished his car. He built itfrom scratch, all by himself," I bragged, proud as a PTA mom with a student on the principal's list.
　　"Fine," Mike snapped.
　　"All right, then," Jacob said, as if that settled everything. He seemed more comfortable than anyone else.
　　Mike climbed in the backseat of the Rabbit with a disgusted expression.
　　Jacob was his normal sunny self, chattering away until I'd all but forgotten Mike sulking silently in theback.
　　And then Mike changed his strategy. He leaned forward, resting his chin on the shoulder of my seat; hischeek almost touched mine. I shifted away, turning my back toward the window.
　　"Doesn't the radio work in this thing?" Mike asked with a hint of petulance, interrupting Jacobmid-sentence.
　　"Yes," Jacob answered. "But Bella doesn't like music."I stared at Jacob, surprised. I'd never told him that.
　　"Bella?" Mike asked, annoyed.
　　"He's right," I mumbled, still looking at Jacob's serene profile.
　　"How can you not like music?" Mike demanded.
　　I shrugged. "I don't know. It just irritates me." "Hmph." Mike leaned away.
　　When we got to the theater, Jacob handed me a ten-dollar bill.
　　"What's this?" I objected.
　　"I'm not old enough to get into this one," he reminded me.
　　I laughed out loud. "So much for relative ages. Is Billy going to kill me if I sneak you in?""No. I told him you were planning to corrupt my youthful innocence."I snickered, and Mike quickened his pace to keep up with us.
　　I almost wished that Mike had decided to bow out. He was still sullen—not much of an addition to theparty. But I didn't want to end up on a date alone with Jacob, either. That wouldn't help anything.
　　The movie was exactly what it professed to be. In just the opening credits, four people got blown up andone got beheaded. The girl in front of me put her hands over her eyes and turned her face into her date'schest. He patted her shoulder, and winced occasionally, too. Mike didn't look like he was watching. Hisface was stiff as he glared toward the fringe of curtain above the screen.
　　I settled in to endure the two hours, watching the colors and the movement on the screen rather thanseeing the shapes of people and cars and houses. But then Jacob started sniggering.
　　"What?" I whispered.
　　"Oh, c'mon!" he hissed back. "The blood squirted twenty feet out of that guy. How fake can you get?"He chuckled again, as a flagpole speared another man into a concrete wall.
　　After that, I really watched the show, laughing with him as the mayhem got more and more ridiculous.
　　How was I ever going to fight the blurring lines in our relationship when I enjoyed being with him somuch?
　　Both Jacob and Mike had claimed the armrests on either side of me. Both of their hands rested lightly,palms up, in an unnatural looking position. Like steel bear traps, open and ready. Jacob was in the habitof taking my hand whenever the opportunity presented itself, but here in the darkened movie theater, withMike watching, it would have a different significance—and I was sure he knew that. I couldn't believethat Mike was thinking the same thing, but his hand was placed exactly like Jacob's.
　　I folded my arms tightly across my chest and hoped that both their hands fell asleep.
　　Mike gave up first. About halfway through the movie, he pulled his arm back, and leaned forward to puthis head in his hands. At first I thought he was reacting to something on the screen, but then he moaned.
　　"Mike, are you okay?" I whispered.
　　The couple in front of us turned to look at him as he groaned again.
　　I could see the sheen of sweat across his face in the light from the screen.
　　Mike groaned again, and bolted for the door. I got up to follow him, and Jacob copied me immediately.
　　"No, stay," I whispered. "I'll make sure he's okay." Jacob came with me anyway.
　　"You don't have to come. Get your eight bucks worth of carnage," I insisted as we walked up the aisle.
　　"That's okay. You sure can pick them, Bella. This movie really sucks." His voice rose from a whisper toits normal pitch as we walked out of the theater.
　　There was no sign of Mike in the hallway, and I was glad then that Jacob had come with me—he duckedinto the men's bathroom to check for him there.
　　Jacob was back in a few seconds.
　　"Oh, he's in there, all right," he said, rolling his eyes. "What a marshmallow. You should hold out forsomeone with a stronger stomach. Someone who laughs at the gore that makes weaker men vomit.""I'll keep my eyes open for someone like that."We were all alone in the hallway. Both theaters were halfway through the movie, and it wasdeserted—quiet enough for us to hear the popcorn popping at the concession counter in the lobby.
　　Jacob went to sit on the velveteen-upholstered bench against the wall, patting the space beside him.
　　"He sounded like he was going to be in there for a while," he said, stretching his long legs out in front ofhim as he settled in to wait.
　　I joined him with a sigh. He looked like he was thinking about blurring more lines. Sure enough, as soonas I sat down, he shifted over to put his arm around my shoulders.
　　"Jake," I protested, leaning away. He dropped his arm, not looking bothered at all by the minor rejection.
　　He reached out and took my hand firmly, wrapping his other hand around my wrist when I tried to pullaway again. Where did he get the confidence from?
　　"Now, just hold on a minute, Bella," he said in a calm voice. "Tell me something."I grimaced. I didn't want to do this. Not just not now, but not ever. There was nothing lett in my life atthis point that was more important than Jacob Black. But he seemed determined to ruin everything.
　　"What?" I muttered sourly.
　　"You like me, right?""You know I do.""Better than that joker puking his guts out in there?" He gestured toward the bathroom door.
　　"Yes," I sighed.
　　"Better than any of the other guys you know?" He was calm, serene—as if my answer didn't matter, orhe already knew what it was.
　　"Better than the girls, too," I pointed out.
　　"But that's all," he said, and it wasn't a question.
　　It was hard to answer, to say the word. Would he get hurt and avoid me? How would I stand that?
　　 "Yes," I whispered.
　　He grinned down at me. "That's okay, you know. As long as you like me the best. And you think I'mgood-looking—sort of. I'm prepared to be annoyingly persistent.""I'm not going to change," I said, and though I tried to keep my voice normal, I could hear the sadness init.
　　His face was thoughtful, no longer teasing. "It's still the other one, isn't it?"I cringed. Funny how he seemed to know not to say the name—just like before in the car with the music.
　　He picked up on so much about me that I never said.
　　"You don't have to talk about it," he told me.
　　I nodded, grateful.
　　"But don't get mad at me for hanging around, okay?" Jacob patted the back of my hand. "Because I'mnot giving up. I've got loads of time."I sighed. "You shouldn't waste it on me," I said, though I wanted him to. Especially if he was willing toaccept me the way I was—damaged goods, as is.
　　"It's what I want to do, as long as you still like to be with me.""I can't imagine how I could not like being with you," I told him honestly.
　　Jacob beamed. "I can live with that.""Just don't expect more," I warned him, trying to pull my hand away. He held onto it obstinately.
　　"This doesn't really bother you, does it?" he demanded, squeezing my fingers.
　　"No," I sighed. Truthfully, it felt nice. His hand was so much warmer than mine; I always felt too coldthese days.
　　"And you don't care what he thinks." Jacob jerked his thumb toward the bathroom.
　　"I guess not.""So what's the problem?""The problem," I said, "is, that it means something different to me than it does to you.""Well." He tightened his hand around mine "That's my problem, isn't it?""Fine," I grumbled. "Don't forget it, though.""I won't. The pin's out of the grenade for me, now, eh?" He poked me in the ribs.
　　I rolled my eyes. I guess if he felt like making a joke out of it, he was entitled.
　　He chuckled quietly for a minute while his pinky finger absently traced designs against the side of myhand.
　　"That's a funny scar you've got there," he suddenly said, twisting my hand to examine it. "How did that happen?"The index finger of his free hand followed the line of the long silvery crescent that was barely visibleagainst my pale skin.
　　I scowled. "Do you honestly expect me to remember where all my scars come from?"I waited for the memory to hit—to open the gaping hole. But, as it so often did, Jacob's presence keptme whole.
　　"It's cold," he murmured, pressing lightly against the place where James had cut me with his teeth.
　　And then Mike stumbled out of the bathroom, his face ashen and covered in sweat. He looked horrible.
　　"Oh, Mike," I gasped.
　　"Do you mind leaving early?" he whispered.
　　"No, of course not." I pulled my hand free and went to help Mike walk. He looked unsteady.
　　"Movie too much for you?" Jacob asked heartlessly.
　　Mike's glare was malevolent. "I didn't actually see any of it," he mumbled. "I was nauseated before thelights went down.""Why didn't you say something?" I scolded as we staggered toward the exit.
　　"I was hoping it would pass," he said.
　　"Just a sec," Jacob said as we reached the door. He walked quickly back to the concession stand.
　　"Could I have an empty popcorn bucket?" he asked the salesgirl. She looked at Mike once, and thenthrust a bucket at Jacob.
　　"Get him outside, please," she begged. She was obviously the one who would have to clean the floor.
　　I towed Mike out into the cool, wet air. He inhaled deeply. Jacob was right behind us. He helped me getMike into the back of the car, and handed him the bucket with a serious gaze.
　　"Please," was all Jacob said.
　　We rolled down the windows, letting the icy night air blow through the car, hoping it would help Mike. Icurled my arms around my legs to keep warm.
　　"Cold, again?" Jacob asked, putting his arm around me before I could answer.
　　"You're not?"He shook his head.
　　"You must have a fever or something," I grumbled. It was freezing. I touched my fingers to his forehead,and his head was hot.
　　"Whoa, Jake—you're burning up!""I feel fine." He shrugged. "Fit as a fiddle." I frowned and touched his head again. His skin blazed under my fingers.
　　"Your hands are like ice," he complained.
　　"Maybe it's me," I allowed.
　　Mike groaned in the backseat, and threw up in the bucket. I grimaced, hoping my own stomach couldstand the sound and smell. Jacob checked anxiously over his shoulder to make sure his car wasn'tdefiled.
　　The road felt longer on the way back.
　　Jacob was quiet, thoughtful. He left his arm around me, and it was so warm that the cold wind felt good.
　　I stared out the windshield, consumed with guilt.
　　It was so wrong to encourage Jacob. Pure selfishness. It didn't matter that I'd tried to make my positionclear. If he felt any hope at all that this could turn into something other than friendship, then I hadn't beenclear enough.
　　How could I explain so that he would understand? I was an empty shell. Like a vacanthouse—condemned—for months I'd been utterly uninhabitable. Now I was a little improved. The frontroom was in better repair. But that was all—just the one small piece. He deserved better thanthat—better than a one-room, falling-down fixer-upper. No amount of investment on his part could putme back in working order.
　　Yet I knew that I wouldn't send him away, regardless. I needed him too much, and I was selfish. MaybeI could make my side more clear, so that he would know to leave me. The thought made me shudder,and Jacob tightened his arm around me.
　　I drove Mike home in his Suburban, while Jacob followed behind us to take me home. Jacob was quietall the way back to my house, and I wondered if he were thinking the same things that I was. Maybe hewas changing his mind.
　　"I would invite myself in, since we're early," he said as we pulled up next to my truck. "But I think youmight be right about the fever. I'm starting to feel a little… strange.""Oh no, not you, too! Do you want me to drive you home?""No." He shook his head, his eyebrows pulling together. "I don't feel sick yet. Just… wrong. If I have to,I'll pull over.""Will you call me as soon as you get in?" I asked anxiously.
　　"Sure, sure." He frowned, staring ahead into the darkness and biting his lip.
　　I opened my door to get out, but he grabbed my wrist lightly and held me there. I noticed again how hothis skin felt on mine.
　　"What is it, Jake?" I asked.
　　"There's something I want to tell you, Bella… but I think it's going to sound kind of corny."I sighed. This would be more of the same from the theater. "Go ahead." "It's just that, I know how you're unhappy a lot. And, maybe it doesn't help anything, but I wanted you toknow that I'm always here. I won't ever let you down—I promise that you can always count on me.
　　Wow, that does sound corny. But you know that, right? That I would never, ever hurt you?""Yeah, Jake. I know that. And I already do count on you, probably more than you know."The smile broke across his face the way the sunrise set the clouds on fire, and I wanted to cut my tongueout. I hadn't said one word that was a lie, but I should have lied. The truth was wrong, it would hurt him.
　　I would let him down.
　　A strange look crossed his face. "I really think I'd better go home now," he said.
　　I got out quickly.
　　"Call me!" I yelled as he pulled away.
　　I watched him go, and he seemed to be in control of the car, at least. I stared at the empty street when hewas gone, feeling a little sick myself, but not for any physical reason.
　　How much I wished that Jacob Black had been born my brother, my flesh-and -blood brother, so that Iwould have some legitimate claim on him that still left me free of any blame now. Heaven knows I hadnever wanted to use Jacob, but I couldn't help but interpret the guilt I felt now to mean that I had.
　　Even more, I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew—knew it in the pit of my stomach, inthe center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in myempty chest—was how love gave someone the power to break you.
　　I'd been broken beyond repair.
　　But I needed Jacob now, needed him like a drug. I'd used him as a crutch for too long, and I was indeeper than I'd planned to go with anyone again. Now I couldn't bear for him to be hurt, and I couldn'tkeep from hurting him, either. He thought time and patience would change me, and, though I knew hewas dead wrong, I also knew that I would let him try.
　　He was my best friend. I would always love him, and it would never, ever be enough.
　　I went inside to sit by the phone and bite my nails.
　　"Movie over already?" Charlie asked in surprise when I came in. He was on the floor, just a foot from theTV. Must be an exciting game.
　　"Mike got sick," I explained. "Some kind of stomach flu.""You okay?""I feel fine now," I said doubtfully. Clearly, I'd been exposed.
　　I leaned against the kitchen counter, my hand inches from the phone, and tried to wait patiently. I thoughtof the strange look on Jacob's face before he drove away, and my fingers started drumming against thecounter. I should have insisted on driving him home.
　　I watched the clock as the minutes ticked by Ten. Fifteen. Even when I was driving, it took only fifteenminutes, and Jacob drove faster than I did. Eighteen minutes. I picked up the phone and dialed.
　　It rang and rang. Maybe Billy was asleep. Maybe I'd dialed wrong. I tried again.
　　 On the eighth ring, just as I was about to hang up, Billy answered.
　　"Hello?" he asked. His voice was wary, like he was expecting bad news.
　　"Billy, it's me, Bella—did Jake make it home yet? He left here about twenty minutes ago.""He's here," Billy said tonelessly.
　　"He was supposed to call me." I was a little irritated. "He was getting sick when he left, and I wasworried.""He was… too sick to call. He's not feeling well right now." Billy sounded distant. I realized he must wantto be with Jacob.
　　"Let me know if you need any help," I offered. "I could come down." I thought of Billy, stuck in his chair,and Jake fending for himself…"No, no," Billy said quickly. "We're fine. Stay at your place."The way he said it was almost rude.
　　"Okay," I agreed.
　　"Bye, Bella."The line disconnected.
　　"Bye," I muttered.
　　Well, at least he'd made it home. Oddly, I didn't feel less worried. I trudged up the stairs, fretting. MaybeI would go down before work tomorrow to check on him. I could take soup—we had to have a can ofCampbell's around here somewhere.
　　I realized all such plans were canceled when I woke up early—my clock said four thirty—and sprinted tothe bathroom. Charlie found me there a half hour later, lying on the floor, my cheek pressed against thecold edge of the bathtub.
　　He looked at me for a long moment.
　　"Stomach flu," he finally said.
　　"Yes," I moaned.
　　"You need something?" he asked.
　　"Call the Newtons for me, please," I instructed hoarsely. "Tell them I have what Mike has, and that Ican't make it in today. Tell them I'm sorry.""Sure, no problem," Charlie assured me.
　　I spent the rest of the day on the bathroom floor, sleeping for a few hours with my head on a crumpledup towel. Charlie claimed that he had to work, but I suspected that he just wanted access to a bathroom.
　　He left a glass of water on the floor beside me to keep me hydrated.
　　It woke me up when he came back home. I could see that it was dark in my room—after nightfall. Heclumped up the stairs to check on me.
　　 "Stillalive?""Sort of," I said.
　　"Do you want anything?""No, thanks."He hesitated, clearly out of his element. "Okay, then," he said, and then he went back down to thekitchen.
　　I heard the phone ring a few minutes later. Charlie spoke to someone in a low voice for a moment, andthen hung up.
　　"Mike feels better," he called up to me.
　　Well, that was encouraging. He'd only gotten sick eight hours or so before me. Eight more hours. Thethought made my stomach turn, and I pulled myself up to lean over the toilet.
　　I fell asleep on the towel again, but when I woke up I was in my bed and it was light outside my window.
　　I didn't remember moving; Charlie must have carried me to my room—he'd also put the glass of water onmy bedside table. I felt parched. I chugged it down, though it tasted funny from sitting stagnant all night.
　　I got up slowly, trying not to trigger the nausea again. I was weak, and my mouth tasted horrible, but mystomach felt fine. I looked at my clock.
　　My twenty-four hours were up.
　　I didn't push it, eating nothing but saltine crackers for breakfast. Charlie looked relieved to see merecovered.
　　As soon as I was sure that I wasn't going to have to spend the day on the bathroom floor again, I calledJacob.
　　Jacob was the one who answered, but when I heard his greeting I knew he wasn't over it.
　　"Hello?" His voice was broken, cracking.
　　"Oh, Jake," I groaned sympathetically. "You sound horrible.""I feel horrible," he whispered.
　　"I'm so sorry I made you go out with me. This sucks.""I'm glad I went." His voice was still a whisper. "Don't blame yourself. This isn't your fault.""You'll get better soon," I promised. "I woke up this morning, and I was fine.""You were sick?" he asked dully.
　　"Yes, I got it, too. But I'm fine now.""That's good." His voice was dead.
　　"So you'll probably be better in a few hours," I encouraged.
　　 I could barely hear his answer. "I don't think I have the same thing you did.""Don't you have the stomach flu?" I asked, confused.
　　"No. This is something else.""What's wrong with you?""Everything," he whispered. "Every part of me hurts."The pain in his voice was nearly tangible.
　　"What can I do, Jake? What can I bring you?""Nothing. You can't come here." He was abrupt. It reminded me of Billy the other night.
　　"I've already been exposed to whatever you have," I pointed out.
　　He ignored me. "I'll call you when I can. I'll let you know when you can come down again.""Jacob—""I've got to go," he said with sudden urgency.
　　"Call me when you feel better.""Right," he agreed, and his voice had a strange, bitter edge.
　　He was silent for a moment. I was waiting for him to say goodbye, but he waited too.
　　"I'll see you soon," I finally said. "Wait for me to call," he said again. "Okay… Bye, Jacob.""Bella," he whispered my name, and then hung up the phone.
Chapter 11 Cult
EACH TIME THAT I OPENED MY EYES TO THE MORNING light and realized I'd lived throughanother night was a surprise to me. After the surprise wore off, my heart would start to race and mypalms would sweat; I couldn't really breathe again until I'd gotten up and ascertained that Charlie hadsurvived as well.
　　I could tell he was worried—watching me jump at any loud sound, or my face suddenly go white for noreason that he could see. From the questions he asked now and then, he seemed to blame the change on Jacob's continued absence.
　　The terror that was always foremost in my thoughts usually distracted me from the fact that another weekhad passed, and Jacob still hadn't called me. But when I was able to concentrate on my normal life—ifmy life was really ever normal—this upset me.
　　I missed him horribly.
　　It had been bad enough to be alone before I was scared silly. Now, more than ever, I yearned for hiscarefree laugh and his infectious grin. I needed the safe sanity of his homemade garage and his warmhand around my cold fingers.
　　I'd half expected him to call on Monday. If there had been some progress with Embry, wouldn't he wantto report it? I wanted to believe that it was worry for his friend that was occupying all his time, not that hewas just giving up on me.
　　I called him Tuesday, but no one answered. Were the phone lines still having problems? Or had Billyinvested in caller I.D.?
　　On Wednesday I called every half hour until after eleven at night, desperate to hear the warmth ofJacob's voice.
　　Thursday I sat in my truck in front of my house—with the locks pushed down—keys in hand, for a solidhour. I was arguing with myself, trying to justify a quick trip to La Push, but I couldn't do it.
　　I knew that Laurent had gone back to Victoria by now. If I went to La Push, I took the chance of leadingone of them there. What if they caught up to me when Jake was nearby? As much as it hurt me, I knew itwas better for Jacob that he was avoiding me. Safer for him.
　　It was bad enough that I couldn't figure out a way to keep Charlie safe. Nighttime was the most likelytime that they would come looking ior me, and what could I say to get Charlie out of the house? If I toldhim the truth, he'd have me locked up in a rubber room somewhere. I would have enduredthat—welcomed it, even—if it could have kept him safe. But Victoria would still come to his house first,looking for me. Maybe, if she found me here, that would be enough for her. Maybe she would just leavewhen she was done with me.
　　So I couldn't run away. Even if I could, where would I go? To Renee? I shuddered at the thought ofdragging my lethal shadows into my mother's safe, sunny world. I would never endanger her that way.
　　The worry was eating a hole in my stomach. Soon I would have matching punctures.
　　That night, Charlie did me another favor and called Harry again to see if the Blacks were out of town.
　　Harry reported that Billy had attended the council meeting Wednesday night, and never mentionedanything about leaving. Charlie warned me not to make a nuisance of myself—Jacob would call when hegot around to it.
　　Friday afternoon, as I drove home from school, it hit me out of the blue.
　　I wasn't paying attention to the familiar road, letting the sound of the engine deaden my brain and silencethe worries, when my subconscious delivered a verdict it must have been working on for some timewithout my knowledge.
　　As soon as I thought of it, I felt really stupid for not seeing it sooner. Sure. I'd had a lot on mymind—revenue-obsessed vampires, giant mutant wolves, a ragged hole in the center of my chest—but when I laid the evidence out, it was embarrassingly obvious.
　　Jacob avoiding me. Charlie saying he looked strange, upset. . . . Billy's vague, unhelpful answers.
　　Holy crow, I knew exactly what was going on with Jacob.
　　It was Sam Uley. Even my nightmares had been trying to tell me that. Sam had gotten to Jacob.
　　Whatever was happening to the other boys on the reservation had reached out and stolen my friend.
　　He'd been sucked into Sam's cult.
　　He hadn't given up on me at all, I realized with a rush of feeling.
　　I let my truck idle in front of my house. What should I do? I weighed the dangers against each other.
　　If I went looking for Jacob, I risked the chance of Victoria or Laurent finding me with him.
　　If I didn't go after him, Sam would pull him deeper into his frightening, compulsory gang. Maybe it wouldbe too late if I didn't act soon.
　　It had been a week, and no vampires had come for me yet. A week was more than enough time for themto have returned, so I must not be a priority. Most likely, as I'd decided before, they would come for meat night. The chances of them following me to La Push were much lower than the chance of losing Jacobto Sam.
　　It was worth the danger of the secluded forest road. This was no idle visit to see what was going on. Iknew what was going on. This was a rescue mission. I was going to talk to Jacob—kidnap him if I hadto. I'd once seen a PBS show on deprogramming the brainwashed. There had to be some kind of cure.
　　I decided I'd better call Charlie first. Maybe whatever was going on down in La Push was something thepolice should be involved in. I dashed inside, in a hurry to be on my way.
　　Charlie answered the phone it the station himself.
　　"Chief Swan.""Dad, it's Bella.""What's wrong?'"I couldn't argue with his doomsday assumption this time. My voice was shaking.
　　"I'm worried about Jacob.""Why?" he asked, surprised by the unexpected topic.
　　"I think… I think something weird is going on down at the reservation. Jacob told me about some strangestuff happening with the other boys his age. Now he's acting the same way and I'm scared.""What kind of stuff?" He used his professional, police business voice. That was good; he was taking meseriously.
　　"First he was scared, and then he was avoiding me, and now… I'm afraid he's part of that bizarre gangdown there, Sam's gang. Sam Uley's gang.""Sam Uley?" Charlie repeated, surprised again.
　　 "Yes."Charlie's voice was more relaxed when he answered. "I think you've got it wrong, Bells. Sam Uley is agreat kid. Well, he's a man now. A good son. You should hear Billy talk about him. He's really doingwonders with the youth on the reservation. He's the one who—" Charlie broke off mid-sentence, and Iguessed that he had been about to make a reference to the night I'd gotten lost in the woods. I moved onquickly.
　　"Dad, it's not like that. Jacob was scared ofhim.""Did you talk to Billy about this?" He was trying to soothe me now. I'd lost him as soon as I'd mentionedSam.
　　"Billy's not concerned.""Well, Bella, then I'm sure it's okay. Jacob's a kid; he was probably just messing around. I'm sure he'sfine. He can't spend every waking minute with you, after all.""This isn't about me," I insisted, but the battle was lost.
　　"I don't think you need to worry about this. Let Billy take care of Jacob.""Charlie…" My voice was starting to sound whiney.
　　"Bells, I got a lot on my plate right now. Two tourists have gone missing off a trail outside crescent lake."There was an anxious edge to his voice. "This wolf problem is getting out of hand."I was momentarily distracted—stunned, really—by his news. There was no way the wolves could havesurvived a match-up with Laurent…"Are you sure that's what happened to them?" I asked.
　　"Afraid so, honey. There was—" He hesitated. "There were tracks again, and… some blood this time.""Oh!" It must not have come to a confrontation, then. Laurent must have simply outrun the wolves, butwhy? What I'd seen in the meadow just got stranger and stranger—more impossible to understand.
　　"Look, I really have to go. Don't worry about Jake, Bella. I'm sure it's nothing.""Fine," I said curtly, frustrated as his words reminded me of the more urgent crisis at hand. "Bye." I hangup.
　　I stared at the phone for a long minute. What the hell, I decided.
　　Billy answered after two rings.
　　"Hello?""Hey, Billy," I almost growled. I tried to sound more friendly as I continued. "Can I talk to Jacob,please?""Jake's not here."What a shock. "Do you know where he is?""He's out with his friends." Billy's voice was careful.
　　 "Oh yeah? Anyone I know? Quil?" I could tell the words didn't come across as casually as I'd meantthem to.
　　"No," Billy said slowly. "I don't think he's with Quil today."I knew better than to mention Sam's name.
　　"Embry?" I asked.
　　Billy seemed happier to answer this one. "Yeah, he's with Embry."That was enough for me. Embry was one of them.
　　"Well, have him call me when he gets in, all right?""Sure, sure. No problem." Click.
　　"See you soon, Billy," I muttered into the dead phone.
　　I drove to La Push determined to wait. I'd sit out front of his house all night if I had to. I'd miss school.
　　The boy was going to have to come home sometime, and when he did, he was going to have to talk tome.
　　My mind was so preoccupied that the trip I'd been terrified of making seemed to take only a fewseconds. Before I was expecting it, the forest began to thin, and I knew I would soon be able to see thefirst little houses of the reservation.
　　Walking away, along the left side of the road, was a tall boy with a baseball cap.
　　My breath caught for just a moment in my throat, hopeful that luck was with me for once, and I'dsrumbled across Jacob without hardly trying. But this boy was too wide, and the hair was short under thehat. Even from behind, I was sure it was Quil, though he looked bigger than the last time I'd seen him.
　　What was with these Quileute boys? Were they feeding them experimental growth hormones?
　　I crossed over to the wrong side of the road to stop next to him. He looked up when the roar of mytruck approached.
　　Quil's expression frightened me more than it surprised me. His face was bleak, brooding, his foreheadcreased with worry.
　　"Oh, hey, Bella," he greeted me dully.
　　"Hi, Quil… Are you okay?"He stared at me morosely. "Fine.""Can I give you a ride somewhere?" I offered.
　　"Sure, I guess," he mumbled. He shuffled around the front of the truck and opened the passenger door toclimbin.
　　"Where to?""My house is on the north side, back behind the store," he told me.
　　"Have you seen Jacob today." The question burst from me almost before he'd finished speaking.
　　 I looked at Quil eagerly, waiting for his answer. He stared out the windshield for a second before hespoke. "From a distance," he finally said.
　　"A distance?" I echoed.
　　"I tried to follow them—he was with Embry." His voice was low, hard to hear over the engine. I leanedcloser. "I know they saw me. But they turned and just disappeared into the trees. I don't think they werealone—I think Sam and his crew might have been with them.
　　"I've been stumbling around in the forest for an hour, yelling for them. I just barely found the road againwhen you drove up.""So Sam did get to him." The words were a little distorted—my teeth were gritted together.
　　Quil stared at me. "You know about that.?"I nodded. "Jake told me… before.""Before," Quil repeated, and sighed.
　　"Jacob's just as bad as the others now?""Never leaves Sam's side." Quil turned his head and spit out the open window.
　　"And before that—did he avoid everyone? Was he acting upset?"His voice was low and rough. "Not for as long as the others. Maybe one day. Then Sam caught up withhim.""What do you think it is? Drugs or something?""I can't see Jacob or Embry getting into anything like that… but what do I know? What else could it be?
　　And why aren't the old people worried?" He shook his head, and the fear showed in his eyes now.
　　"Jacob didn't want to be a part of this… cult. I don't understand what could change him." He stared atme, his face frightened. "I don't want to be next."My eyes mirrored his fear. That was the second time I'd heard it described as a cult. I shivered. "Areyour parents any help?"He grimaced. "Right. My grandfather's on the council with Jacob's dad. Sam Uley is the best thing thatever happened to this place, as far as he's concerned."We stared at each other for a prolonged moment. We were in La Push now, and my truck was barelycrawling along the empty road. I could see the village's only store not too far ahead.
　　"I'll get out now," Quil said. "My house is right over there." He gestured toward the small woodenrectangle behind the store. I pulled over to the shoulder, and he jumped out.
　　"I'm going to go wait for Jacob," I told him in a hard voice.
　　"Good luck." He slammed the door and shuffled forward along the road, his head bent forward, hisshoulders slumped.
　　Quil's face haunted me as I made a wide U-turn and headed back toward the Blacks'. He was terrifiedof being next. What was happening here?
　　 I stopped in front of Jacob's house, killing the motor and rolling down the windows. It was stuffy today,no breeze. I put my feet up on the dashboard and settled in to wait.
　　A movement flashed in my peripheral vision—I turned and spotted Billy looking at me through the frontwindow with a confused expression. I waved once and smiled a tight smile, but stayed where I was.
　　His eyes narrowed; he let the curtain fall across the glass.
　　I was prepared to stay as long as it took, but I wished I had something to do. I dug up a pen out of thebottom of my backpack, and an old test. I started to doodle on the back of the scrap.
　　I'd only had time to scrawl one row of diamonds when there was a sharp tap against my door.
　　I jumped, looking up, expecting Billy.
　　"What are you doing here, Bella.'" Jacob growled.
　　I stared at him in blank astonishment.
　　Jacob had changed radically in the last weeks since I'd seen him. The first thing I noticed was hishair—his beautiful hair was all gone, cropped quite short, covering his head with an inky gloss like blacksatin. The planes of his face seemed to have hardened subtly, tightened… aged. His neck and hisshoulders were different, too, thicker somehow. His hands, where they gripped the window frame,looked enormous, with the tendons and veins more prominent under the russet skin. But the physicalchanges were insignificant.
　　It was his expression that made him almost completely unrecognizable. The open, friendly smile was gonelike the hair, the warmth in his dark eyes altered to a brooding resentment that was instantly disturbing.
　　There was a darkness in Jacob now. Like my sun had imploded.
　　"Jacob?" I whispered.
　　He just stared at me, his eyes tense and angry.
　　I realized we weren't alone. Behind him stood four others; all tall and russet-skinned, black hair choppedshort just like Jacob's. They could have been brothers—I couldn't even pick Embry out of the group.
　　The resemblance was only intensified by the strikingly similar hostility in every pair of eyes.
　　Every pair but one. The oldest by several years, Sam stood in the very back, his face serene and sure. Ihad to swallow back the bile that rose in my throat. I wanted to take a swing at him. No, I wanted to domore than that. More than anything, I wanted to be fierce and deadly, someone no one would dare messwith. Someone who would scare Sam Uley silly.
　　I wanted to be a vampire.
　　The violent desire caught me off guard and knocked the wind out of me. It was the most forbidden of allwishes—even when I only wished it for a malicious reason like this, to gain an advantage over anenemy—because it was the most painful. That future was lost to me forever, had never really been withinmy grasp. I scrambled to gain control of myself while the hole in my chest ached hollowly.
　　"What do you want?" Jacob demanded, his expression growing more resentful as he watched the play ofemotion across my face.
　　"I want to talk to you," I said in a weak voice. I tried to focus, but I was still reeling against the escape of my taboo dream.
　　"Go ahead," he hissed through his teeth. His glare was vicious. I'd never seen him look at anyone likethat, least of all me. It hurt with a surprising intensity—a physical pain, a stabbing in my head.
　　"Alone!" I hissed, and my voice was stronger.
　　He looked behind him, and I knew where his eyes would go. Every one of them was turned for Sam'sreaction.
　　Sam nodded once, his face unperturbed. He made a brief comment in an unfamiliar, liquid language—Icould only be positive that it wasn't French or Spanish, but I guessed that it was Quileute. He turned andwalked into Jacob's house. The others, Paul, Jared, and Embry, I assumed, followed him in.
　　"Okay." Jacob seemed a bit less furious when the others were gone. His face was a little calmer, but alsomore hopeless. His mouth seemed permanently pulled down at the corners.
　　I took a deep breath. "You know what I want to know."He didn't answer. He just stared at me bitterly.
　　I stared back and the silence stretched on. The pain in his face unnerved me. I felt a lump beginning tobuild in my throat.
　　"Can we walk?" I asked while I could still speak.
　　He didn't respond in any way; his face didn't change.
　　I got out of the car, feeling unseen eyes behind the windows on me, and started walking toward the treesto the north. My feet squished in the damp grass and mud beside the road, and, as that was the onlysound, at first I thought he wasn't following me. But when I glanced around, he was right beside me, hisfeet having somehow found a less noisy path than mine.
　　I felt better in the fringe of trees, where Sam couldn't possibly be watching. As we walked, I struggled forthe right thing to say, but nothing came. I just got more and more angry that Jacob had gotten suckedin… that Billy had allowed this… that Sam was able to stand there so assured and calm…Jacob suddenly picked up the pace, striding ahead of me easily with his long legs, and then swingingaround to face me, planting himself in my path so I would have to stop too.
　　I was distracted by the overt grace of his movement. Jacob had been nearly as klutzy as me with hisnever-ending growth spurt. When did that changed?
　　But Jacob didn't give me time to think about it.
　　"Let's get this over with," he said in a hard, husky voice.
　　I waited. He knew what I wanted.
　　"It's not what you think." His voice was abruptly weary. "It's not what I thought—I was way off.""So what is it, then?"He studied my face for a long moment, speculating. The anger never completely left his eyes. "I can't tellyou," he finally said.
　　 My jaw tightened, and I spoke through my teeth. "I thought we were friends.""We were." There was a slight emphasis on the past tense.
　　"But you don't need friends anymore," I said sourly. "You have Sam. Isn't that nice—you've alwayslooked up to him so much.""I didn't understand him before.""And now you've seen the light. Hallelujah.""It wasn't like I thought it was. This isn't Sam's fault. He's helping me as much as he can." His voiceturned brittle and he looked over my head, past me, rage burning out from his eyes.
　　"He's helping you," I repeated dubiously. "Naturally."But Jacob didn't seem to be listening. He was taking deep, deliberate breaths, trying to calm himself. Hewas so mad that his hands were shaking.
　　"Jacob, please," I whispered "Won't you tell me what happened? Maybe I can help.""No one can help me now." The words were a low moan; his voice broke.
　　"What did he do to you?" I demanded, tears collecting in my eyes. I reached out to him, as I had oncebefore, stepping forward with my arms wide.
　　This time he cringed away, holding his hands up defensively. "Don't touch me," he whispered.
　　"Is Sam catching?" I mumbled. The stupid tears had escaped the corners of my eyes. I wiped them awaywith the back of my hand, and folded my arms across my chest.
　　"Stop blaming Sam." The words came out fast, like a reflex. His hands reached up to twist around thehair that was no longer there, and then fell limply at his sides.
　　"Then who should I blame?" I retorted.
　　He halfway smiled; it was a bleak, twisted thing.
　　"You don't want to hear that.""The hell I don't!" I snapped. "I want to know, and I want to know now.""You're wrong," he snapped back.
　　"Don't you dare tell me I'm wrong—I'm not the one who got brainwashed! Tell me now whose fault thisall is, if it's not your precious Sam!""You asked for it," he growled at me, eyes glinting hard. "If you want to blame someone, why don't youpoint your finger at those filthy, reeking bloodsuckers that you love so much?"My mouth fell open and my breath came out with a whooshing sound. I was frozen in place, stabbedthrough with his double-edged words. The pain twisted in familiar patterns through my body, the jaggedhole ripping me open from the inside out, but it was second place, background music to the chaos of mythoughts. I couldn't believe that I'd heard him correctly. There was no trace of indecision in his face. Onlyfury.
　　 My mouth still hung wide.
　　"I told you that you didn't want to hear it," he said.
　　"I don't understand who you mean," I whispered.
　　He raised one eyebrow in disbelief. "I think you understand exactly who I mean. You're not going tomake me say it, are you? I don't like hurting you.""I don't understand who you mean," I repeated mechanically.
　　"The Cullens," he said slowly, drawing out the word, scrutinizing my face as he spoke it. "I saw that—Ican see in your eyes what it does to you when I say their name."I shook my head back and forth in denial, trying to clear it at the same time. How did he know this? Andhow did it have anything to do with Sam's cult? Was it a gang of vampire-haters? What was the point offorming such a society when no vampires lived in Forks anymore? Why would Jacob start believing thestories about the Cullens now, when the evidence of them was long gone, never to return?
　　It took me too long to come up with the correct response. "Don't tell me you're listening to Billy'ssuperstitious nonsense now," I said with a feeble attempt at mockery.
　　"He knows more than I gave him credit for.""Be serious, Jacob."He glared at me, his eyes critical.
　　"Superstitions aside," I said quickly. "I still don't see what you're accusing the... Cullens"—wince—"of.
　　They left more than half a year ago. How can you blame them for what Sam is doing now?""Sam isn't doing anything, Bella. And I know they're gone. But sometimes… things are set in motion, andthen it's too late.""What's set in motion? What's too late? What are you blaming them for?"He was suddenly right in my face, his fury glowing in his eyes. "For existing," he hissed.
　　I was surprised and distracted as the warning words came in Edward's voice again, when I wasn't evenscared.
　　"Quiet now, Bella. Don't push him," Edward cautioned in my ear.
　　Ever since Edward's name had broken through the careful walls I'd buried it behind, I'd been unable tolock it up again. It didn't hurt now—not during the precious seconds when I could hear his voice.
　　Jacob was fuming in front of me, quivering with anger.
　　I didn't understand why the Edward delusion was unexpectedly in my mind. Jacob was livid, but he wasJacob. There was no adrenaline, no danger.
　　"Give him a chance to calm down," Edward's voice insisted.
　　I shook my head in confusion. "You're being ridiculous," I told them both.
　　"Fine," Jacob answered, breathing deeply again. "I won't argue it with you. It doesn't matter anyway, the damage is done.""What damage?"He didn't flinch as I shouted the words in his face.
　　"Let's head back. There's nothing more to say."I gaped. "There's everything more to say! You haven't said anything yet!"He walked past me, striding back toward the house.
　　"I ran into Quil today," I yelled after him.
　　He paused midstep, but didn't turn.
　　"You remember your friend, Quil? Yeah, he's terrified."Jacob whirled to face me. His expression was pained. "Quil" was all he said.
　　"He's worried about you, too. He's freaked out."Jacob stared past me with desperate eyes.
　　I goaded him further. "He's frightened that he's next."Jacob clutched at a tree for support, his face turning a strange shade of green under the red-brownsurface. "He won't be next," Jacob muttered to himself. "He can't be. It's over now. This shouldn't still behappening. Why? Why?" His fist slammed against the tree. It wasn't a big tree, slender and only a fewfeet taller than Jacob. But it still surprised me when tht trunk gave way and snapped off loudly under hisblows.
　　Jacob stared at the sharp, broken point with shock that quickly turned to horror.
　　"I have to get back." He whirled and stalked away so swiftly that I had to jog to keep up.
　　"Back to Sam!""That's one way of looking at it," it sounded like he said. He was mumbling and facing away.
　　I chased him back to the truck. "Wait!" I called as he turned toward the house.
　　He spun around to face me, and I saw that his hands were shaking again.
　　"Go home, Bella. I can't hang out with you anymore."The silly, inconsequential hurt was incredibly potent. The tears welled up again. "Are you… breaking upwith me?" The words were all wrong, but they were the best way I could think to phrase what I wasasking. After all, what Jake and I had was more than any schoolyard romance. Stronger.
　　He barked out a bitter laugh. "Hardly. If that were the case, I'd say 'Let's stay friends.' I can't even saythat.""Jacob… why? Sam won't let you have other friends? Please, Jake. You promised. I need you!" Theblank emptiness of my life before—before Jacob brought some semblance of reason back intoit—reared up and confronted me. Loneliness choked in my throat.
　　 "I'm sorry, Bella," Jacob said each word distinctly in a cold voice that didn't seem to belong to him.
　　I didn't believe that this was really what Jacob wanted to say. It seemed like there was something elsetrying to be said through his angry eyes, but I couldn't understand the message.
　　Maybe this wasn't about Sam at all. Maybe this had nothing to do with the Cullens. Maybe he was justtrying to pull himself out of a hopeless situation. Maybe I should let him do that, if that's what was best forhim. I should do that. It would be right.
　　But I heard my voice escaping in a whisper.
　　"I'm sorry that I couldn't… before… I wish I could change how I feel about you, Jacob." I wasdesperate, reaching, stretching the truth so far that it curved nearly into the shape of a lie. "Maybe…maybe I would change," I whispered. "Maybe, if you gave me some time… just don't quit on me now,Jake. I can't take it."His face went from anger to agony in a second. One shaking hand reached out toward me.
　　"No. Don't think like that, Bella, please. Don't blame yourself, don't think this is your fault. This one is allme. I swear, it's not about you.""It's not you, it's me," I whispered. "There's a new one.""I mean it, Bella. I'm not…" he struggled, his voice going even huskier as he fought to control his emotion.
　　His eyes were tortured. "I'm not good enough to be your friend anymore, or anything else. I'm not what Iwas before. I'm not good.""What?" I stared at him, confused and appalled. "What are you saying? You're much better than I am,Jake. You are good! Who told you that you aren't? Sam? It's a vicious lie, Jacob! Don't let him tell youthat!" I was suddenly yelling again.
　　Jacob's face went hard and flat. "No one had to tell me anything. I know what I am.""You're my friend, that's what you are! Jake—don't!"He was backing away from me.
　　"I'm sorry, Bella," he said again; this time it was a broken mumble. He turned and almost ran into thehouse.
　　I was unable to move from where I stood. I stared at the little house; it looked too small to hold fourlarge boys and two larger men. There was no reaction inside. No flutter at the edge of the curtain, nosound of voices or movement. It faced me vacantly.
　　The rain started to drizzle, stinging here and there against my skin. I couldn't take my eyes off the house.
　　Jacob would come back. He had to.
　　The rain picked up, and so did the wind. The drops were no longer falling from above; they slanted at anangle from the west. I could smell the brine from the ocean. My hair whipped in my face, sticking to thewet places and tangling in my lashes. I waited.
　　Finally the door opened, and I took a step forward in relief.
　　Billy rolled his chair into the door frame. I could see no one behind him.
　　 "Charlie just called, Bella. I told him you were on your way home." His eyes were full of pity.
　　The pity made it final somehow. I didn't comment. I just turned robotically and climbed in my truck. I'dleft the windows open and the seats were slick and wet. It didn't matter. I was already soaked.
　　Not as bad! Not as bad! my mind tried to comfort me. It was true. This wasn't as bad. This wasn't theend of the world, not again. This was just the end of what little peace there was left behind. That was all.
　　Not as bad, I agreed, then added, but bad enough.
　　I'd thought Jake had been healing the hole in me—or at least plugging it up, keeping it from hurting me somuch. I'd been wrong. He'd just been carving out his own hole, so that I was now riddled through likeSwiss cheese. I wondered why I didn't crumble into pieces.
　　Charlie was waiting on the porch. As I rolled to a stop, he walked out to meet me.
　　"Billy called. He said you got in fight with Jake—said you were pretty upset," he explained as he openedmy door for me.
　　Then he looked at my face. A kind of horrified recognition registered in his expression. I tried to feel myface from the inside out, to know what he was seeing. My face felt empty and cold, and I realized what itwould remind him of.
　　"That's not exactly how it happened," I muttered.
　　Charlie put his arm around me and helped me out of the car. He didn't comment on my sodden clothes.
　　"Then what did happen'" he asked when we were inside. He pulled the afghan off the back of the sofa ashe spoke and wrapped it around my shoulders. I realized I was shivering still.
　　My voice was lifeless. "Sam Uley says Jacob can't be my friend anymore."Charlie shot me a strange look. "Who told you that?""Jacob," I stated, though that wasn't exactly what he'd said. It was still true.
　　Charlie's eyebrows pulled together. "You really think there's something wrong with the Uley kid?""I know there is. Jacob wouldn't tell me what, though." I could hear the water from my clothes drippingto the floor and splashing on the linoleum. "I'm going to go change."Charlie was lost in thought. "Okay," he said absently.
　　I decided to take a shower because I was so cold, but the hot water didn't seem to affect thetemperature of my skin. I was still freezing when I gave up and shut the water off. In the sudden quiet, Icould hear Charlie talking to someone downstairs. I wrapped a towel around me, and cracked thebathroom door.
　　Charlie's voice was angry. "I'm not buying that. It doesn't make any sense."It was quiet then, and I realized he was on the phone. A minute passed.
　　"Don't you put this on Bella!" Charlie suddenly shouted.
　　I jumped. When he spoke again, his voice was careful and lower. "Bella's made it very clear all along that she and Jacob were just friends… Well, if that was it, then why didn't you say so at first? No, Billy, Ithink she's right about this… Because I know my daughter, and if she says Jacob was scared before—"He was cut off mid-sentence, and when he answered he was almost shouting again.
　　"What do you mean I don't know my daughter as well as I think I do!" He listened for a brief second,and his response was almost too low for me to hear. "If you think I'm going to remind her about that, thenyou had better think again. She's only just starting to get over it, and mostly because of Jacob, I think. Ifwhatever Jacob has going on with this Sam character sends her back into that depression, then Jacob isgoing to have to answer to me. You're my friend, Billy, but this is hurting my family."There was another break for Billy to respond.
　　"You got that right—those boys set one toe out of line and I'm going to know about it. We'll be keepingan eye on the situation, you can be sure of that." He was no longer Charlie; he was Chief Swan now.
　　"Fine. Yeah. Goodbye." The phone slammed into the cradle.
　　I tiptoed quickly across the hall into my room. Charlie was muttering angrily in the kitchen.
　　So Billy was going to blame me. I was leading Jacob on and he'd finally had enough.
　　It was strange, for I'd feared that myself, but after the last thing Jacob had said this afternoon, I didn'tbelieve it anymore. There was much more to this than an unrequited crush, and it surprised me that Billywould stoop to claiming that. It made me think that whatever secret they were keeping was bigger thanI'd been imagining. At least Charlie was on my side now.
　　I put my pajamas on and crawled into bed. Life seemed dark enough at the moment chat I let myselfcheat. The hole—holes now—were already aching, so why not? I pulled out the memory—nor a realmemory that would hurt too much, but the false memory of Edward's voice in my mind thisafternoon—and played it over and over in my head until I fell asleep with the tears still streaming calmlydown my empty face.
　　It was a new dream tonight. Rain was falling and Jacob was walking soundlessly beside me, thoughbeneath my feet the ground crunched like dry gravel. But he wasn't my Jacob; he was the new, bitter,graceful Jacob. The smooth suppleness of his walk reminded me of someone else, and, as I watched, hisfeatures started to change. The russet color of his skin leached away, leaving his face pale white likebone. His eyes turned gold, and then crimson, and then back to gold again. His shorn hair twisted in thebreeze, turning bronze where the wind touched it. And his face became so beautiful that it shattered myheart. I reached for him, but he took a step away, raising his hands like a shield. And then Edwardvanished.
　　I wasn't sure, when I woke in the dark, if I'd just begun crying, or if my tears had run while I slept andsimply continued now. I stared at my dark ceiling. I could feel that it was the middle of the night—I wasstill half-asleep, maybe more than half. I closed my eyes wearily and prayed for a dreamless sleep.
　　That's when I heard the noise that must have wakened me in the first place. Something sharp scrapedalong the length of my window with a high-pitched squeal, like fingernails against the glass.11  信徒
 
每天早上当我睁开眼睛,发现自己又安然度过了一夜就觉得欣喜.一阵短暂的欣喜过后心跳开始加速,掌心冒出冷汗,我赶紧身去看查理,确定他也安然无恙后我才能按下心来.  我看得出来他很担心----我一听到任何响声都会惊跳起来,脸色总是会无缘无故变得苍白.从他偶尔的询问中,我知道他是在责怪雅各布太久没有出现.  恐惧打消了我心里所有的念想,我几乎没有意识到一个星期又过去了,而雅各布还是没有给我打电话.当我的生活恢复正常----如果我的生活还算是正常的生活的话----这件事让我感到伤心.  我非常想念他.  在经历恐惧和惊吓之前,我已经忍受不了一个人独处.而现在,我比从前更想念他轻松愉快的笑声和打动人心的笑脸,想念他那间简单却安全、宁静的车库,想念他温暖的手掌握住我冰冷的双手.  星期一,我期待他打个电话过来.如果他与恩布里一切进展顺利的话,他是不是希望告诉我一声呢?我宁可相信他是为了朋友的事情忙碌操心,而不是有意疏远我.  星期二,我给他打了个电话,但是没有人应答.难道电话线路又出故障了?或者比利申请了来电显示?  星期三,我每隔半小时就往他家打一个电话,直到晚上11点后才作罢,我急于听到雅各布温情脉脉的声音.  星期四,我呆坐在门口的小卡车里----按下车栓----手里握着车钥匙,整整坐了一个小时.我艰难地作着思想斗争,想要说服自己开车去一趟拉普西,但是我不能这么做. 劳伦特现在肯定回到维多利亚那里了.如果我去拉普西,我也许会把他们也引过去.如果杰克(雅各布???)看到我被他们捉住怎么办?尽管看不到雅各布让我伤心不已,但是他离我越远就会越安全,这样想想,心里也就不那么难受了.我决定先给查理打个电话,也许应该通知警方拉普西发生的事情.我冲进屋里,一刻也不想耽搁自己的计划.  查理接了电话.  "斯旺警长.〃  "爸爸,是我,贝拉〃  "出了什么事?"  这次我并没有责怪他总是假设我会出事的态度,我的说话声在颤抖.  "我很担心雅各布."  "为什么?"他问道,并没有想到我会谈论这个话题.  "我觉得......我觉得有些不寻常的事情发生了.雅各布曾告诉我,和他差不多大的男孩儿身上发生了奇怪的事.现在他也和他们一样奇怪,我有些害怕."  "是什么样的事情呢?"他显出了职业警方的查案时的语气.这样也好,起码他是在认真对待我所说的话.  
"一开始，他受了惊吓；接着，他开始回避我；现在......我担心他加入了那个怪异的帮派，山姆的帮派，山姆.乌利的帮派.”  “山姆.乌利？”查理吃惊的重复了一遍。  “是的”  查理的语气变得轻松起来：“我想你是弄错了，贝尔。山姆.乌利是个好孩子。对了，他现在应该是个男子汉了，一个听话的儿子，你应该听比利谈起过他。他和其他的年轻人相处的不错。他是......”查理突然停下来，我猜他打算提及我在树丛走丢的那个晚上。我立即插上话。  “爸爸，并不是这样的，雅各布害怕他。”  “你对比利说过这件事吗？”他尝试着安慰我。一提到山姆，我就没办法让他警惕起来。  “比利和这件事无关。”  “好吧，贝拉，我确信一切正常，雅各布还是个孩子，也许他只是想多花点时间和朋友们在一起。我相信他一切正常，毕竟，他不可能每分每秒都和你在一起。”  “这事和我无关。”我坚持道，但我已经在这场口水战中败下阵来。  “我认为你不必担心，让比利照顾雅各布吧。”  “查理.....”我显得焦躁不安。  “贝尔，我手头有一大堆棘手的事情。又有两个游人在湖边失踪，”他焦虑的说道，“狼群造成的问题越来越难处理了。”  我一下子被他说的话吸引住了——确切地说，是被怔住了。狼群的对手是劳伦特，它们没理由能免于一死......  “你确定是狼群造成的失踪吗？”我问道。  “恐怕是的，亲爱的。有一些......”他犹豫一下，“又有一些脚印，还有......这次还有血迹。”  
“噢！”这样看来，劳伦特和狼群并没有交手，他只是比它们跑得更快些。但是，为什么呢？我在草地上目睹的一切变得越来越奇怪——越来越难以理解。  “我得走了。别担心杰克，贝拉，我相信他没事。”  “好吧。”我简单地回答一切，思绪又转回到眼前最急迫的事情上来，“再见。”我挂上电话。  我盯着电话看了许久，无论如何我也要解决好这件事，我拨通了雅各布家的电话。  响了两声后，电话那头传来了比利的声音。  “你好。”  “嘿，比利，”我强忍住对他大吼的冲动，尽可能友好地问道，“能让雅各布听电话吗？”  “杰克不在。”  真是出乎意料：“你知道他去哪里了吗？”  “他和朋友们出去了。”比利小心翼翼地说道。  “哦，是吗？是我认识的朋友吗？”有奎尔吗？”我知道自己问这话是别有用心。  “没有。”比利慢慢的说，“他今天没和奎尔在一起。”  我最好不要提到山姆。  “有恩布里吗？”我问道。  比利似乎很乐意回答这个问题：“对，他和恩布里在一起。”  知道恩布里同他在一起就已经足够了。  “好吧，他回来了让他给我打个电话，好吗？”  “当然，没问题。”电话断了。  “再见，比利。”我对着挂断的电话自言自语道。  我开车去拉普西，决定等待雅各布的出现。我会在他家门口等上一夜，即使逃课我也要等着他。总有一天他会回家，等他回来了，我要和他说个明白。（话说，我怎么觉得这里的BELLA脑子不太对）  我一心想着雅各布的事情，原以为危险重重的路途似乎变得特别短。还没有等我反应过来，森林就消失在视野之中，很快我就能看到专属地上那一排排房屋。 一个戴着棒球帽的高个子男孩儿在马路左边走着。  我一时激动得几乎无法呼吸，幸运之神终于眷顾我了，让我这么容易就撞见了雅各布。但是，这个男孩儿比他更魁梧，帽下的头发也比他短。尽管只看到了背影，我确定这个人是奎尔，他比我上次见到他时更高大了。这些奎鲁特男孩儿怎么长的这么快？难道他们吃了什么成长激素？  我在他身边停下车，他听到汽车声后抬起了头。  奎尔的表情不仅让我吃惊，更让我害怕。他面色阴郁，垂头丧气，眉头紧锁。  “噢，嘿，贝拉。”他无精打采地打了个招呼。  “你好，奎尔.....你还好吗？”  他犹豫地看着我：“还好。”  “我能在你一程吗？”我提议道。  “当然。”他绕到车门前，坐到了副驾驶的位子上。  “去哪里？”  “我家在北边，超市后面。”他告诉我。  “你今天见到雅各布了吗？”他的话音刚落，我就迫不及待地问道。  我充满期待地看着奎尔，等着他的回答。他望着车窗外，过了很久才说道：“从远处看到他了。”  “从远处？”我重复着。  “我想跟着他们——他和恩布里在一起.”他的声音很小，差不多被引擎的声音盖住。我朝他靠得更近一些，“我知道他们看到我了，但是他们转身钻进树林里。我想一定还有其他人——山姆那帮人一定都在那里。”我从树林里转悠了一个小时，大声地呼唤他们。你碰到我的时候，我刚从树林里出来。“  ”看来真是山姆改变了他。“我咬牙切齿，连话都说不清楚。  奎尔盯着我：”你也知道这件事？”  我点点头：“杰克告诉过我.....以前告诉过我。”  “以前。”奎尔叹了口气。  “雅各布现在的情况是不是和其他男孩儿一样糟？”  “在这之前——他是不是避开所有人？是不是心烦意乱？”  他的声音低沉而粗哑：“也许有一天是这个样子，不像其他人一样经历了很长时间，然后山姆找到了他。”  “你觉得是怎么一回事呢？是毒品吗？还是其他什么？”  “我想雅各布和恩布里不会碰那玩意儿......可我又能知道什么呢？还有其他的可能性吗？为什么大人们一点都不着急呢？”他摇摇头，眼神中闪现一丝恐惧，“雅各布不想成为这个......帮派的一份子，我真搞不懂是什么改变了他。”他盯着我，惊恐万分地说：“我不想成为下一个。”  我看出了他的恐慌，这是我第二次听到有人称它为帮派，不禁一阵哆嗦：“你的父母帮得上忙吗？”  他沮丧地说：“我的祖父和雅各布的父亲都是议会成员。在我祖父眼里，山姆.乌利是这一带最值得骄傲的人物。”  我们对视良久，在空无一人的道路上，我的车几乎是在爬行。我们到了拉普西，镇上唯一的一家商店就在不远处。  “我就在这里下车，”奎尔说道，“我家就在那边。”他指了指商店后面一座小小的木头房子。我在路边停了下来，他跳下车。  “我去等雅各布。”我坚定地对他说道  “祝你好运。”他关上车门，慢吞吞地朝前面走去。他耸拉着脑袋，肩膀无力地垂下来。  我调转车头，朝专属地开去。一路上，奎尔的愁容在我的脑海里挥之不去。他如此惧怕成为下一个目标，这里究竟发生了什么事？  我在雅各布家门口停住车，摇下车窗。天气很闷，一点风也没有。我把脚搁在仪盘表上，开始等待。  一个黑影突然在眼前晃了晃——我转过头看见比利正站在窗户边满脸疑惑地看着我。我朝他挥挥手，不自然地笑了笑，仍待在车里没有出去。  他皱了皱眉头，拉下了窗帘。  不管多久我都会等下去，但我得做点事情打发时间。我从背包里掏出一支笔和一张废纸，心不在焉地在上面乱画起来。  我刚画完一串菱形的图案，突然听见有人叩响车门。  我吓了一跳，抬起头来，以为是比利。  “你在这干嘛，贝拉？”传来雅各布粗鲁的声音。  我惊愕的盯着他。  雅各布在这几个星期里简直像变了一个人。我第一眼注意到的是他的头发——柔顺的头发全部剪掉了，一层短短的平头就像是盖在头上的深色缎子。脸上的线条僵硬、紧绷......看上去老了很多。他的颈和肩也有些不同，似乎比以前壮实了许多。他双手抓着窗框，手掌厚实宽大，筋腱和血管在深褐色的皮肤下清晰可见，但是，外表上的改变还不算明显。  让人感到陌生的是他的表情。那张开朗、友善的笑脸消失得无影无踪，以前温和的眼神变成了充满怨恨的仇视，令我无所适从。眼前的雅各布完全是一个阴郁的人，我的世界里的唯一一束阳光如今也被阴霾取代。  “雅各布？”我低声说道。  他瞪着我，目光中带着一丝紧张和愠怒。  我意识到他身边还有四个人，他们无一例外的都是高高的个头、深色的皮肤，黑发就像雅各布一样剃得短短的。他们就像是同胞兄弟——我甚至看不出哪一个是恩布里，眼光中的敌意使他们更加相似。  只有一个人的眼光与众不同。他们中最年长的山姆站在最后面，他看上去平静而自信。我按耐住内心的愤怒，我真想上前揍他一拳，不，我想变得残暴凶狠，没有人敢与我对抗，这样，我就能镇住山姆·乌利。  我想变成吸血鬼。但是，我听见自己轻柔的声音。  “对不起，我以前不能......也许我现在能改变对你的感受，雅各布。”我绝望极了，这句真心话听上去就像是想方设法捏造出来的谎言，“也许......我能改变，”我低声说道，“也许，如果你再给我点时间......请不要放弃我，杰克，我会受不了。”  他的脸色一瞬间由愤怒转变为痛苦，仍在颤抖的一只手向我伸过来。  “不，别这样想，贝拉。不要责怪你自己，不要以为这是你的错。这次全是我的错，我发誓，更你无关。”  “不是你，是我，”我说道，“是我的错。”  “说真的，贝拉。我不再......”他努力控制自己的情绪，声音愈发的嘶哑，眼神痛苦不堪，“我不再配做你的朋友或者其他什么人。我已经不是从前的我，我不是好人。”  “什么？”我惊恐地盯着他，“你说什么？你比我强多了，杰克。你很好！谁说你不是好人？山姆说的吗？这是恶毒的谎话，雅各布！别让他就这样说服你！”我突然间又嚷了起来。  雅各布是我脸色恢复了起初的僵硬：“不需要别人这样说，我知道我是怎样一个人。”  “你是我的朋友，这才是你！杰克——不要走！”  他渐渐退后  “对不起，贝拉。”他又一次道歉，这次，声音变得断续而含糊。他转过身，迅速地跑进屋。  我站在原地一动不动，盯着眼前这所小小的房子，这么小的一所房子竟然能容纳四个身材魁梧的男孩儿和两个比他们更加高大的男人。屋子里没什么动静，没有人撩起窗帘，没有说话声，没有脚步声，就好像是一间空房子。  天空开始下起毛毛细雨，雨滴像针一样叮着我的肌肤，我目不转睛地盯着房子。雅各布会出来的，他必须出来。  雨越下越猛，风越刮越凶。雨滴似乎不是从天而降，而是从西面飘过来，风中夹杂着海水的咸味。我的头发拍打着脸庞，湿漉漉地贴在脸上，和睫毛黏在一起，遮挡住我的视野。我等待着。  终于，门开了，我欣喜地走上前。  比利滑着轮椅出来了，就他一个人而已。  “查理打来电话，贝拉，我告诉他你在回家的路上。”他用同情的目光看着我。  他用同情来表示一切就此打住。我什么也没说，机械地转过身，钻进了车里。我之前没有关车窗，座椅已经被雨水浸得透湿。无所谓，反正我已经浑身湿透。  不算太糟！不算太糟！！我安慰自己。的确，事情还不算太糟，至少不是世界末日，只不过是结束了原本就很短暂的宁静生活，仅此而已。  不算太糟，我承认，但是，也已经够糟了！！  我原以为杰克能治愈我胸口的漏洞——至少能填补这个空缺，不让它继续伤害我，我错了。  他在我的胸前又凿开了一个洞，现在的我已经千疮百孔，就像是一片瑞士干酪，总有一天我会粉身碎骨。  查理在门廊上等我，一看见我的车，他就奔上前来。  “比利打来电话，他说你和杰克吵架了——说你非常伤心。”他边说边给我打开车门。  他瞧了瞧我，脸上立刻路出震惊的表情。我真想看看自己现在的模样，看看到底是什么让他如此诧异。我能感觉到脸上的茫然和冰凉，一定是这种表情让他会想到什么。（咳~~Bella也不好过啊，我估计这和以后的跳崖也有莫大的关系）  “事情不是这样的。”我低声说道。  查理搂着我的肩膀，将我从车里扶出来，他也没问我怎么会弄得像只落汤鸡。  “发生了什么事？”一进屋他就问道。他拉下沙发靠背上的一条毛毯盖在我的肩上，我发现自己还在打着冷战。  我有气无力地说道：“山姆·乌利说雅各布不能做朋友。”  查理疑惑地看着我：“谁告诉你的？”  “雅各布。”虽然他没有亲口对我这么说，但这是明摆着的事实。  查理紧皱着眉头：“你真觉得山姆有问题？”  “真的。但是雅各布不肯告诉我是怎么回事。”我听见衣服上的水滴落在地毯上的声音，“我去换件衣服。”  查理若有所思。“好吧。”他心不在焉地应了一句。  我冷得要命，决定先洗个澡，但是热水似乎也不能让我感到暖和。我仍然浑身冰冷，干脆关掉水不洗了。四周安静下来，我听见查理在楼下说话，我裹着浴巾悄悄地走出浴室。  我听出查理很生气：“我才不会相信呢，根本就不可能。”  四周又安静下来，我意识到他是在打电话，一分钟过去了。  “不要把责任推到贝拉身上！”查理突然叫道，我吓了一跳。再次说话时，他尽量压低嗓门，担心让我听到。“一直以来。贝拉都清楚地表示他和雅各布只是朋友......好吧，如果是这样的话，你为什么不早说？不，比利，我认为她是对的......因为我了解我的女儿，如果他说雅各布之前受到惊吓......”他的话被中途打断，过了一会而，他又控制不住嚷了起来。 “你说我不了解自己的女儿是什么意思！”他停了下来，听着电话那头的人说话，接着，他用我几乎听不到的声音说道：“你想让他回想起以前的事情，别做梦了。她刚刚熬过了所有的痛苦，我知道雅各布帮了不少忙。如果雅各布和山姆搞出了什么名堂让他又回到从前的样子，我绝对饶不了雅各布。你是我的朋友，比利。但是这件事伤害了我的家人。”  他又停下来听比利说话。  “你听清楚——那帮小子做任何事我都会知道。我们会盯着他们，这一点你不用怀疑。”他不再是查理，而是斯旺警长。  “好吧，就这样，再见。”他狠狠地挂上电话。  我踮起脚尖快速地穿过走廊回到房间，查理在厨房里气呼呼地自言自语。  比利肯定会责怪我，是我误导了雅各布，令他越陷越深，终于忍无可忍。  但我觉得有些奇怪。以前我也这样担心过，但是，即使雅各布说了很多绝情的话，我仍不相信这是真的。这件事远非单恋这么简单，而且比利也没有必要出面说是雅各布一厢情愿。我敢肯定，他们是在保守什么秘密，而且这个秘密远远超出我的想象。不管怎样，查理现在站在我这一边。  我穿上睡衣爬到床上。生活是如此阴沉黑暗，那个洞——如今应该是两个洞——正隐隐作痛，怎么会不疼呢？我回忆着过去发生的点点滴滴——不是那些深深刺痛我的过去，而是不久前出现在我脑海中的爱德华的声音——我的脑子就像录音机一样反复播放着他的声音知道我渐渐入睡，泪水仍止不住地滑落脸颊。  晚上我做了一个不同以往的梦。天下着雨，雅各布在我身边不声不响地走着，而我的脚步声却咯吱咯吱作响。他不是我的那个雅各布，这个雅各布有着陌生的模样，面露愁容。动作格外优雅、敏捷，他轻盈平稳的步态令我联想到另一个人。渐渐的，他的容貌开始改变，深褐色的皮肤褪了色，脸上毫无生气、苍白如骨；眼睛是金色的，一会儿又变成了血红色，一会儿又恢复成金色；头发缠绕在一起，在微风的吹拂下变成了青铜色。他的脸蛋十分俊俏，让我怦然心动。我朝他伸出手，他却向后退了一步，抬起了双手像盾牌一样挡住我。然后，爱德华就消失了。  当我在一片漆黑中醒来时，眼角充满泪水。我不清楚自己是梦醒哭泣还是哭到梦醒，我盯着黑糊糊的天花板，此刻已经是深夜时分——我半梦半醒、昏昏欲睡。我疲惫地闭上眼睛，祈求一个无梦的夜晚。  就在这时，我听见一阵声响，刚才一定是这个声音打断了我的梦境。我房间的窗户被尖锐的东西刮出了刺耳的响声，就像是手指甲在玻璃上划过的摩擦声。
Chapter 12 Intruder
MY EYES FLEW WIDE OPEN WITH FRIGHT, THOUGH I WAS so exhausted and muddled that Iwas not yet positive whether I was awake or asleep.
　　Something scratched against my window again with the same thin, high-pitched sound.
　　Confused and clumsy with sleep, I stumbled out of my bed and to the window, blinking the lingering tearsfrom my eyes on the way.
　　A huge, dark shape wobbled erratically on the other side of the glass, lurching toward me like it wasgoing to smash right through. I staggered back, terrified, my throat closing around a scream.
　　Victoria.
　　She'd come for me.
　　I was dead.
　　Not Charlie, too!
　　I choked back the building scream. I would have to keep quiet through this. Somehow. I had to keepCharlie from coming to investigate…And then a familiar, husky voice called from the dark shape.
　　"Bella!" it hissed. "Ouch! Damn it, open the window! OUCH!"I needed two seconds to shake off the horror before I could move, but then I hurried to the window andshoved the glass out of the way. The clouds were dimly lit from behind, enough for me to make sense ofthe shapes.
　　"What are you doing?" I gasped.
　　Jacob was clinging precariously to the top of the spruce that grew in the middle of Charlie's little frontyard. His weight had bowed the tree toward the house and he now swung—his legs dangling twenty feetabove the ground—not a yard away from me. The thin branches at the tip of the tree scraped against theside of the house again with a grating squeal.
　　"I'm trying to keep"—he huffed, shifting his weight as the treetop bounced him—"my promise!"I blinked my wet blurry eyes, suddenly sure that I was dreaming.
　　"When did you ever promise to kill yourself falling out of Charlie's tree?"He snorted, unamused, swinging his legs to improve his balance. "Get out of the way," he ordered.
　　"What?"He swung his legs again, backwards and forward, increasing his momentum. I realized what he was ttyingto do.
　　"No, Jake!"But I ducked to the side, aecause it was too late. With a grunt, he launched himself toward my openwindow.
　　Another scream built in my throat as I waited for him to fall to his death—or at least maim himself against the wooden siding. To my shock, he swung agilely into my room, landing on the balls of his feet with alow thud.
　　We both looked to the door automatically, holding our breath, waiting to see if the noise had wokenCharlie. A short moment of silence passed, and then we heard the muffled sound of Charlie's snore.
　　A wide grin spread slowly across Jacob's face; he seemed extremely pleased with himself. It wasn't thegrin that I knew and loved—it was a new grin, one that was a bitter mockery of his old sincerity, on thenew face that belonged to Sam.
　　That was a bit much for me.
　　I'd cried myself to sleep over this boy. His harsh rejection had punched a painful new hole in what wasleft of my chest. He'd left a new nightmare behind him, like an infection in a sore—the insult after theinjury. And now he was here in my room, smirking at me as if none of that had passed. Worse than that,even though his arrival had been noisy and awkward, it reminded me of when Edward used to sneak inthrough my window at night, and the reminder picked viciously at the unhealed wounds.
　　All of this, coupled with the fact that I was dog-tired, did not put me in a friendly mood.
　　"Get out!" I hissed, putting as much venom into the whisper as I could.
　　He blinked, his face going blank with surprise.
　　"No," he protested. "I came to apologize.""I don't accept!"I tried to shove him back out the window—after all, if this was a dream, it wouldn't really hurt him. It wasuseless, though. I didn't budge him an inch. I dropped my hands quickly, and stepped away from him.
　　He wasn't wearing a shirt, though the air blowing in the window was cold enough to make me shiver, andit made me uncomfortable to have my hands on his bare chest. His skin was burning hot, like his headhad been the last time I'd touched him. Like he was still sick with the fever.
　　He didn't look sick. He looked huge. He leaned over me, so big that he blacked out the window,tongue-tied by my furious reaction.
　　Suddenly, it was just more than I could handle—it felt as if all of my sleepless nights were crashing downon me en masse. I was so brutally tired that I thought I might collapse right there on the floor. I swayedunsteadily, and struggled to keep my eyes open.
　　"Bella?" Jacob whispered anxiously. He caught my elbow as I swayed again, and steered me back to thebed. My legs gave out when I reached the edge, and I plopped into a limp heap on the mattress.
　　"Hey, are you okay?" Jacob asked, worry creasing his forehead.
　　I looked up at him, the tears not yet dried on my cheeks. "Why in the world would I be okay, Jacob?"Anguish replaced some of the bitterness in his face. "Right," he agreed, and took a deep breath. "Crap.
　　Well… I—I'm so sorry, Bella." The apology was sincere, no doubt about it, though there was still anangry twist to his features.
　　"Why did you come here? I don't want apologies from you, Jake." "I know," he whispered. "But I couldn't leave things the way I did this afternoon. Thar was horrible. I'msorry."I shook my head wearily. "I don't understand anything.""I know. I want to explain—" He broke off suddenly, his mouth open, almost like something had cut offhis air. Then he sucked in a deep breath. "But I can't explain," he said, still angry. "I wish I could."I let my head fall into my hands. My question came out muffled by my arm. "Why?"He was quiet for a moment. I twisted my head to the side—too tired to hold it up—to see his expression.
　　It surprised me. His eyes were squinted, his teeth clenched, his forehead wrinkled in effort.
　　"What's wrong?" I asked.
　　He exhaled heavily, and I realized he'd been holding his breath, too. "I can't do it," he muttered,frustrated.
　　"Do what?"He ignored my question. "Look, Bella, haven't you ever had a secret that you couldn't tell anyone?"He looked at me with knowing eyes, and my thoughts jumped immediately to the Cullens. I hoped myexpression didn't look guilty.
　　"Something you felt like you had to keep from Charlie, from your mom… ?" he pressed. "Something youwon't even talk about with me? Not even now?"I felt my eyes tighten. I didn't answer his question, though I knew he would take that as a confirmation.
　　"Can you understand that I might have the same kind of… situation?" He was struggling again, seeming tofight for the right words. "Sometimes, loyalty gets in the way of what you want to do. Sometimes, it's notyour secret to tell."So, I couldn't argue with that. He was exactly right—I had a secret that wasn't mine to tell, yet a secret Ifelt bound to protect. A secret that, suddenly, he seemed to know all about.
　　I still didn't see how it applied to him, or Sam, or Billy. What was it to them, now that the Cullens weregone?
　　"I don't know why you came here, Jacob, if you were just going to give me riddles instead of answers.""I'm sorry," he whispered. "This is so frustrating."We looked at each other for a long moment in the dark room, both our faces hopeless.
　　"The part that kills me," he said abruptly, "is that you already know. I already told yon everything!""What are you talking about?"He sucked in a startled breath, and then leaned toward me, his face shifting from hopelessness to blazingintensity in a second. He stared fiercely into my eyes, and his voice was fast and eager. He spoke thewords right into my face; his breath was as hot as his skin.
　　"I think I see a way to make this work out—because you know this, Bella! I can't tell you, but if you guessed it! That would let me right off the hook!""You want me to guess? Guess what?""My secret! You can do it—you know the answer!"I blinked twice, trying to clear my head. I was so tired. Nothing he said made sense.
　　He took in my blank expression, and then his face tensed with effort again. "Hole on, let me see if I giveyou some help," he said. Whatever he was trying to do, it was so hard he was panting.
　　"Help?" I asked, trying to keep up. My lids wanted to slip closed, but I forced them open.
　　"Yeah," he said, breathing hard. "Like clues."He took my face in his enormous, too-warm hands and held it just a few inches from his. He stared intomy eyes while he whispered, as if to communicate something besides the words he spoke.
　　"Remember the first day we met—on the beach in La Push?""Of course I do.""Tell me about it."I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate. "You asked about my truck…"He nodded, urging me on.
　　"We talked about the Rabbit…""Keep going.""We went for a walk down the beach…" My cheeks were growing warm under his palms as Iremembered, but he wouldn't notice, hot as his skin was. I'd asked him to walk with me, flirting ineptlybut successfully, in order to pump him for information.
　　He was nodding, anxious for more.
　　My voice was nearly soundless. "You told me scary stories… Quileute legends."He closed his eyes and opened them again. "Yes." The word was tense, fervent, like he was on the edgeof something vital. He spoke slowly, making each word distinct. "Do you remember what I said?"Even in the dark, he must be able to see the change in the color of my face. How could I ever forgetthat? Without realizing what he was doing, Jacob had told me exactly what I needed to know thatday—that Edward was a vampire.
　　He looked at me with eyes that knew too much. "Think hard," he told me.
　　"Yes, I remember," I breathed.
　　He inhaled deeply, struggling. "Do you remember all the stor—" He couldn't finish the question. Hismouth popped open like something had stuck in his throat.
　　"All the stories?" I asked.
　　 He nodded mutely.
　　My head churned. Only one story really mattered. I knew he'd begun with others, but I couldn'tremember the inconsequential prelude, especially not while my brain was so clouded with exhaustion. Istarted to shake my head.
　　Jacob groaned and jumped off the bed. He pressed his fists against his forehead and breathed fast andangry. "You know this, you know this," he muttered to himself.
　　"Jake? Jake, please, I'm exhausted. I'm no good at this right now. Maybe in the morning…"He took a steadying breath and nodded. "Maybe it will come back to you. I guess I understand why youonly remember the one story," he added in a sarcastic, bitter tone. He plunked back onto the mattressbeside me. "Do you mind if I ask you a question about that?" he asked, still sarcastic. "I've been dying roknow.""A question about what?" I asked warily.
　　"About the vampire story I told you."I stared at him with guarded eyes, unable to answer. He asked his question anyway.
　　"Did you honestly not know?" he asked me, his voice turning husky. "Was I the one who told you whathe was?"How did he know this? Why did he decide to believe, why now? My teeth clenched together. I staredback at him, no intention of speaking. He could see that.
　　"See what I mean about loyalty?" he murmured, even huskier now. "It's the same for me, only worse.
　　You can't imagine how tight I'm bound…"I didn't like that—didn't like the way his eyes closed as if he were in pain when he spoke of being bound.
　　More than dislike—I realized I hated it, hated anything that caused him pain. Hated it fiercely.
　　Sam's face filled my mind.
　　For me, this was all essentially voluntary. I protected the Cullens' secret out of love; unrequited, but true.
　　For Jacob, it didn't seem to be that way.
　　"Isn't there any way for you to get free?" I whispered, touching the rough edge at the back of his shornhair.
　　His hands began to tremble, but he didn't open his eyes. "No. I'm in this for life. A life sentence." A bleaklaugh. "Longer, maybe.""No, Jake," I moaned. "What if we ran away? Just you and me. What if we left home, and left Sambehind?""It's not something I can run away from, Bella," he whispered. "I would run with you, though, if I could."His shoulders were shaking now, too. He took a deep breath. "Look, I've got to leave.""Why?""For one thing, you look like you're going to pass out at any second. You need your sleep—I need youfiring on all pistons. You're going to figure this out, you have to." "And why else?"He frowned. "I had to sneak out—I'm not supposed to see you. They've got to be wondering where Iam." His mouth twisted. "I suppose I should go let them know.""You don't have to tell them anything," I hissed.
　　"All the same, I will."The anger flashed hot inside me. "I hate them!"Jacob looked at me with wide eyes, surprised. "No, Bella. Don't hate the guys. It's not Sam's or any ofthe others' faults. I told you before—it's me. Sam is actually… well, incredibly cool. Jared and Paul aregreat, too, though Paul is kind of… And Embry's always been my friend. Nothing's changed there—theonly thing that hasn't changed. I feel really bad abour the things I used to think about Sam…""Sam was incredibly cool." I glared at him in disbelief, but let it go.
　　"Then why aren't you supposed to see me?" I demanded.
　　"It's not safe," he mumbled looking down.
　　His words sent a thrill of fear through me.
　　Did he know that, too? Nobody knew that besides me. But he was right—it was the middle of the night,the perfect time for hunting. Jacob shouldn't be here in my room. If someone came for me, I had :o bealone.
　　"If I thought it was too… too risky," he whispered, "I wouldn't have come. But Bella," he looked at meagain, "I made you a promise. I had no idea it would be so hard to keep, but that doesn't mean I'm notgoing to try."He saw the incomprehension in my face. "After that stupid movie," he reminded me. "I promised you thatI wouldn't ever hurt you… So I really blew it this afternoon, didn't I?""I know you didn't want to do it, Jake. It's okay.""Thanks, Bella." He took my hand. "I'm going to do what I can to be here for you, just like I promised."He grinned at me suddenly. The grin was not mine, nor Sam's, but some strange combination of the two.
　　"It would really help if you could figure this out on your own, Bella. Put some honest effort into it."I made a weak grimace. "I'll try.""And I'll try to see you soon." He sighed. "And they'll try to talk me out of that.""Don't listen to them.""I'll try." He shook his head, as if he doubted his success. "Come and tell me as soon as you figure it out."Something occurred to him just then, something that made his hands shake. "If you… if you want to.""Why wouldn't I want to see you?"His face turned hard and bitter, one hundred percent the face that belonged to Sam. "Oh, I can think of areason," he said in a harsh tone. "Look, I really have to go. Could you do something for me?" I just nodded, frightened of the change in him.
　　"At least call me—if you don't want to see me again. Let me know if it's like that.""That won't happen—"He raised one hand, cutting me off. "Just let me know."He stood and headed for the window.
　　"Don't be an idiot, Jake," I complained. "You'll break your leg. Use the door. Charlie's not going to catchyou.""I won't get hurt," he muttered, but he turned for the door. He hesitated as he passed me, staring at mewith an expression like something was stabbing him. He held one hand out, pleading.
　　I took his hand, and suddenly he yanked me—too roughly—right off the bed so that I thudded against hischest.
　　"Just in case," he muttered against my hair, crushing me in a bear hug that about broke my ribs.
　　"Can't—breathe!" I gasped.
　　He dropped me at once, keeping one hand at my waist so I didn't fall over. He pushed me, more gentlythis time, back down on the bed.
　　"Get some sleep, Bells. You've got to get your head working. I know you can do this. I need you. tounderstand. I won't lose you, Bella. Not for this."He was to the door in one stride, opening it quietly, and then disappearing through it. I listened for him tohit the squeaky step in the stairs, but there was no sound.
　　I lay back on my bed, my head spinning. I was too confused, too worn out. I closed my eyes, trying tomake sense of it, only to be swallowed up by unconsciousness so swiftly that it was disorienting.
　　It was not the peaceful, creamless sleep I'd yearned for—of course not. I was in the forest again, and Istarted to wander the way I always did.
　　I quickly became aware that this was not the same dream as usual. For one thing, I felt no compulsion towander or to search; I was merely wandering out of habit, because that was what was usually expectedof me here. Actually, this wasn't even the same forest. The smell was different, and the light, too. Itsmelled, not like the damp earth of the woods, but like the brine of the ocean. I couldn't see the sky; still,it seemed like the sun must be shining—the leaves above were bright jade green.
　　This was the forest around La Push—near the beach there, I was sure of it. I knew that if I found thebeach, I would be able to see the sun, so I hurried forward, following the faint sound of waves in thedistance.
　　And then Jacob was there. He grabbed my hand, pulling me back toward the blackest part of the forest.
　　"Jacob, what's wrong?" I asked. His face was the frightened face of a boy, and his hair was beautifulagain, swept back into a ponytail on the nape of his neck. He yanked with all his strength, but I resisted; Ididn't want to go into the dark.
　　"Run, Bella, you have to run!" he whispered, terrified.
　　 The abrupt wave of deja vu was so strong it nearly woke me up.
　　I knew why I recognized this place now. It was because I'd been here before, in another dream. Amillion years ago, part of a different life entirely. This was the dream I'd had the night after I'd walkedwith Jacob on the beach, the first night I knew that Edward was a vampire. Reliving that day with Jacobmust have dredged this dream out of my buried memories.
　　Detached from the dream now, I waited for it to play out. A light was coming toward me from the beach.
　　In just a moment, Edward would walk through the trees, his skin faintly glowing and his eyes black anddangerous. He would beckon to me, and smile. He would be beautiful as an angel, and his teeth wouldbe pointed and sharp…But I was getting ahead of myself. Something else had to happen first.
　　Jacob dropped my hand and yelped. Shaking and twitching, he fell to the ground at my feet.
　　"Jacob!" I screamed, but he was gone.
　　In his place was an enormous, red-brown wolf with dark, intelligent eyes.
　　The dream veered off course, like a train jumping the tracks.
　　This was not the same wolf that I'd dreamed of in another life. This was the great russet wolf I'd stoodhalf a foot from in the meadow, just a week ago. This wolf was gigantic, monstrous, bigger than a bear.
　　This wolf stared intently at me, trying to convey something vital with his intelligent eyes. The black-brown,familiar eyes of Jacob Black.
　　I woke screaming at the top of my lungs.
　　I almost expected Charlie to come check on me this time. This wasn't my usual screaming. I buried myhead in my pillow and tried to muffle the hysterics that my screams were building into. J pressed thecotton tight against my face, wondering if I couldn't also somehow smother the connection I'd just made.
　　But Charlie didn't come in. and eventually I was able to strangle the strange screeching coming out of mythroat.
　　I remembered it all now—every word that Jacob had said to me that day on the beach, even the partbefore he got to the vampires, the "cold ones." Especially that first part.
　　"Do you know any of our old stories, about where we came from—the Quileutes, I mean?" heasked.
　　"Not really," I admitted.
　　"Well, there are lots of legends, some of them claiming to date back to the Flood—supposedly,the ancient Quileutes tied their canoes to the tops of the tallest trees on the mountain to survive,like Noah and the ark." He smiled then, to show me how little stock he put in the histories.
　　"Another legend claims that we descended from wolves—and that the wolves are our brothersstill. It's against tribal law to kill them.
　　"Then there are the stories about the cold ones." His voice dropped a little lower.
　　"The cold ones?" "Yes. There are stories of the cold ones as old as the wolf legends, and some much more recent.
　　According to legend, my own great-grandfather knew some of them. He was the one who madethe treaty that kept them off our land." Jacob rolled his eyes.
　　" Your great-grandfather?""He was a tribal elder, like my father. You see, the cold ones are the natural enemies of the wolf—well, not the wolf really, but the wolves that turn into men, like our ancestors. You would callthem werewolves.""Werewolves have enemies?""Only one."There was something stuck in my throat, choking me. I tried to swallow it down, but it was lodged there,un-moving. I tried to spit it out.
　　"Werewolf," I gasped.
　　Yes, that was the word that I was choking on.
　　The whole world lurched, tilting the wrong way on its axis.
　　What kind of a place was this? Could a world really exist where ancient legends went wandering aroundthe borders of tiny, insignificant towns, facing down mythical monsters? Did this mean every impossiblefairy tale was grounded somewhere in absolute truth? Was there anything sane or normal at all, or waseverything just magic and ghost stories?
　　I clutched my head in my hands, trying to keep it from exploding.
　　A small, dry voice in the back of my mind asked me what the big deal was. Hadn't I already acceptedthe existence of vampires long ago—and without all the hysterics that time?
　　Exactly, I wanted to scream back at the voice. Wasn't one myth enough for anyone, enough for alifetime?
　　Besides, there'd never been one moment that I wasn't completely aware that Edward Cullen was aboveand beyond the ordinary. It wasn't such a surprise to find out what he was—because he so obviouslywas something.
　　But Jacob? Jacob, who was just Jacob, and nothing more than that? Jacob, my friend? Jacob, the onlyhuman I'd ever been able to relate to…And he wasn't even human.
　　I fought the urge to scream again.
　　What did this say about me?
　　I knew the answer to that one. It said that there was something deeply wrong with me. Why else wouldmy life be filled with characters from horror movies? Why else would I care so much about them that itwould tear big chunks right out of my chest when they went off along their mythical ways?
　　In my head, everything spun and shifted, rearranging so that things that had meant one thing before, nowmeant something else.
　　 There was no cult. There had never been a cult, never been a gang. No, it was much worse than that. Itwas a pack.
　　A pack of five mind-blowingly gigantic, multihued werewolves that had stalked right past me in Edward'smeadow…Suddenly, I was in a frantic hurry. I glanced at the clock—it was way too early and I didn't care. I had togo to La Push now. I had to see Jacob so he could tell me that I hadn't lost my mind altogether.
　　I pulled on the first clean clothes I could find, not bothering to be sure they matched, and took the stairstwo at a time. I almost ran into Charlie as I skidded into the hallway, headed for the door.
　　"Where are you going?" he asked, as surprised to see me as I was to see him. "Do you know what time itis?""Yeah. I have to go see Jacob.""I thought the thing with Sam—""That doesn't matter, I have to talk to him right now.""It's pretty early." He frowned when my expression didn't change. "Don't you want breakfast?""Not hungry." The words flew through my lips. He was blocking my path to the exit. I consideredducking around him and making a run for it, but I knew I would have to explain that to him later. "I'll beback soon, okay?"Charlie frowned. "Straight to Jacob's house, right? No stops on the way?""Of course not, where would I stop?" My words were running together in my hurry.
　　"I don't know," he admitted. "It's just… well, there's been another attack—the wolves again. It was realclose to the resort by the hot springs—there's a witness this time. The victim was only a dozen yardsfrom the road when he disappeared. His wife saw a huge gray wolf just a few minutes later, while shewas searching for him, and ran for help."My stomach dropped like I'd hit a corkscrew on a roller coaster. "A wolf attacked him?""There's no sign of him—just a little blood again." Charlie's face was pained. "The rangers are going outarmed, taking armed volunteers. There're a lot of hunters who are eager to be involved—there's areward being offered for wolf carcasses. That's going to mean a lot of firepower out there in the forest,and it worries me." He shook his head. "When people get too excited, accidents happen…""They're going to shoot the wolves?" My voice shot through three octaves.
　　"What else can we do? What's wrong?" he asked, his tense eyes studying my face. I felt faint; I must bewhiter than usual. "You aren't turning into a tree-hugger on me, are you?"I couldn't answer. If he hadn't been watching me, I would have put my head between my knees. I'dforgotten about the missing hikers, the bloody paw prints… I hadn't connected those facts to my firstrealization.
　　"Look, honey, don't let this scare you. Just stay in town or on the highway—no stops—okay?""Okay," I repeated in a weak voice.
　　 "I've got to go."I looked at him closely for the first time, and saw that he had his gun strapped to his waist and hikingboots on.
　　"You aren't going out there after the wolves, are you, Dad?""I've got to help, Bells. People are disappearing."My voice shot up again, almost hysterical now. "No! No, don't go. It's too dangerous!""I've got to do my job, kid. Don't be such a pessimist—I'll be fine." He turned for the door, and held itopen. "You leaving?"I hesitated, my stomach still spinning in uncomfortable loops. What could I say to stop him? I was toodizzy to think of a solution.
　　"Bells?""Maybe it's too early to go to La Push," I whispered.
　　"I agree," he said, and he stepped out into the rain, shutting the door behind him.
　　As soon as he was out of sight, I dropped to the floor and put my head between my knees.
　　Should I go after Charlie? What would I say?
　　And what about Jacob? Jacob was my best friend; I needed to warn him. If he really was a—I cringedand forced myself to think the word—werewolf (and I knew it was true, I could feel it), then peoplewould be shooting at him! I needed to tell him and his friends that people would try to kill them if theywent running around like gigantic wolves. I needed to tell them to stop.
　　They had to stop! Charlie was out there in the woods. Would they care about that? I wondered… Upuntil now, only strangers had disappeared. Did that mean anything, or was it just chance?
　　I needed to believe that Jacob, at least, would care about that.
　　Either way, I had to warn him.
　　Or… did I?
　　Jacob was my best friend, but was he a monster, too? A real one? A bad one? Should I warn him, if heand his friends were… were murderers! If they were out slaughtering innocent hikers in cold blood? Ifthey were truly creatures from a horror movie in every sense, would it be wrong to protect them?
　　It was inevitable that I would have to compare Jacob and his friends to the Cullens. I wrapped my armsaround my chest, fighting the hole, while I thought of them.
　　I didn't know anything about werewolves, clearly. I would have expected something closer to themovies—big hairy half-men creatures or something—if I'd expected anything at all. So I didn't knowwhat made them hunt, whether hunger or thirst or just a desire to kill. It was hard to judge, not knowingthat.
　　But it couldn't be worse than what the Cullens endured in their quest to be good. I thought of Esme—thetears started when I pictured her kind, lovely face—and how, as motherly and loving as she was, she'd had to hold her nose, all ashamed, and run from me when I was bleeding. It couldn't be harder than that.
　　I thought of Carlisle, the centuries upon centuries that he had struggled to teach himself to ignore blood,so that he could save lives as a doctor. Nothing could be harder than that.
　　The werewolves had chosen a different path.
　　Now, what should I choose?12闯入者 
 
尽管此刻我已经精疲力竭、头脑昏沉，甚至不确定自己是在现实中还是在梦境里，我仍然惊恐万分地睁开了双眼。  窗户上又一次响起了尖锐刺耳的声音。  我笨拙地从床上爬起来，踉踉跄跄地朝窗户走去。我眨了眨含泪的双眼，让视线变得更加清晰。  一个高大的黑影在玻璃窗外摇晃，它朝我这边倾斜过来，好像要破窗而入。我吓得往后一个踉跄，几乎要尖叫出来。  维多利亚。  她来找我了。  我死定了。  查理不能死！！  我强忍住堵在喉咙口的尖叫。我必须保持安静，不管发生什么，不能把查理卷进这个危险地带.....  黑影发出熟悉的嘶哑的声音。  “贝拉！”它叫道，“诶哟！见鬼，开开窗！诶哟！”  我从惊恐中回过神来，快速走到窗户边，推开了玻璃窗，窗外微弱的光亮足以让我看清楚黑影的模样。  “你在这里做什么？”我喘着粗气说。  雅各布趴在前院栽种的云杉上，树枝被他压得倒向房子这边，他在树顶上来回摆荡——她的双腿悬在离地二十多英尺的半空中——离我不过三英尺。纤细的树枝摩擦着房子的墙壁，发出刺耳的声音。  “我来履行”——他气喘吁吁地说着，在树顶上不断调整着姿势——“我的诺言。”  我眨了眨湿润的眼睛，突然间确信自己是在做梦。  “你什么时候承诺过要从树上掉下来摔死？”  他哼了一声，样子非常严肃，不停地摆动着双腿保持平衡。“让开。”他命令道。  “什麽？”  他前后摆动着双腿，为自己增加冲力，我终于明白他想干什么了。  “不，杰克！”  但是已经来不及了，我闪到一旁，他憋足了劲朝着敞开的窗户跳过来。  我几乎又要叫出声来，我会眼睁睁地看着他摔死——或者看着他撞到墙壁上受伤。出乎意料得失，他敏捷地跳进了我的房间，脚掌落在地上发出沉闷的一响。  我们同时朝房间望去，屏住呼吸，看看查理会不会被这噪音吵醒。一阵沉寂过后，我们隐约听到查理的鼾声。  雅各布咧嘴一笑，他似乎十分满意自己的身手。他的笑容不是我所熟悉和喜爱的——这是一张不同的笑脸，在这张属于山姆的脸上已经看不到以往的真诚。  我受够了。  我整晚以泪洗面，因为这个男孩儿而辗转难眠。他冷酷地拒绝了我，在我的旧伤口上无情地撒了把盐。他留给我的噩梦挥散不去。就像是伤口引发的感染——就像遭人侵犯后赶到的羞辱。而现在，他在我的房间看着我傻笑似乎什么事情都没有发生过一样。更糟糕的是，尽管他闯入是的动静很大，动作笨拙，还是让我想起了爱德华，他也曾在深夜时分穿过窗户来到我的房间。回忆又一次狠狠地刺痛了我尚未痊愈的伤口。  想到这些，再加上沉沉的倦意，我的心情就好不起来。  “出去！”我愤愤地说道，语气中满是怨恨和不满。  他眨了眨眼睛，露出吃惊的表情。  “不，他坚持道，”我是来道歉的。”  “我不接受！”  我拼命把他往窗户外推——反正这是梦境，他不会真正受伤，但是，我的努力是徒劳的，他仍然一动不动地站在原地。我放下双手，退到远离他的位置。  吹进房间的凉风让我打了个冷战，而他连衬衫都没穿。我的手碰到他的胸膛时的感觉很不舒服，他的皮肤像在燃烧一样发烫，就跟我最后一次触摸他前额时的感觉相同，难道他还没退烧？  他看上去不像生病的样子，身体壮实得很。他朝我弯下身子，几乎挡住了整扇窗户，对我暴怒的反应他一言不发。  突然间，我再也撑不住了——好像所有不眠之夜的疲乏都在这一刻朝我袭来。我觉得天昏地暗，整个人就快要崩溃倒地。我左右摇摆了两下，挣扎地睁开了双眼。  “贝拉？”雅各布焦急地喊着我。他抓着我的胳膊肘，扶我回到床上。我刚到床边腿就软了，一头倒在软绵绵的床垫上。  “嘿，你没事吧？”雅各布问道，担心地皱起眉头。  我抬头望着他，脸上还挂着泪水：“我怎么可能没事呢，雅各布？”  他倔强的脸上露出一丝痛苦。“对，”他赞同道，然后深吸一口气，“我问了句废话。好吧.....我——我对不起你，贝拉。”他的道歉是真心的，这点毫无疑问，尽管他的脸上仍带着些许怒色。  “你来这里做什么？我不想听你道歉，杰克。”  ：我知道，“他低声说道，”但是我不能原谅自己今天的所作所为，简直太伤人了，对不起。“  我疲倦地摇摇头：”我不明白你为什么那样对我。”  “我知道，我想对你解释......“他突然停了下来，张着嘴巴，好像有东西止住了他的呼吸。过了一会儿，他又深吸一口气。”但是，我不能解释，“他气愤地说道，”我也希望自己能解释。”  我把头埋入手掌心，说话声变得模糊不清：“为什么？”  他沉默不语。我扭过头——实在没力气抬起头来——看着他，他的表情让我感到惊讶。他半眯着眼睛，咬紧牙关，眉头紧锁。  “怎么了？”我问道。  他大口地喘着粗气，我这才发现他一直都凝神屏息。“我不能说。”他心灰意冷地说道。 “说什么？”  他不理会我的问题：“贝拉，难道你就没有不能说的秘密吗？”  他看着我，眼神中带着某种暗示，我一下子就想到了卡伦一家，但愿他没有察觉到我的心虚。  难道那你就没有瞒着查理、瞒着你母亲的事情？“他追问道，”实质是不愿对我提及的事情?  我睁大眼睛，没有回答他的问题，但我知道他把沉默当作认同。“我现在也有相同的......处境，你能理解吗？”他断断续续地说着，似乎在寻求最切当的字句来表达，“有时候，诚实反倒会坏事。有时候，你保守的也许不是你一个人的秘密。”  我没法同他争辩，因为他说的完全正确——我隐瞒的不是我一个人的秘密，我必须守住它，而他似乎已经对我这个秘密了如指掌。  我始终不明白这跟他、山姆还有比利有什么关系。既然卡伦一家已经无影无踪了，他们又何必在意这件事呢？  “如果你来是为了让我猜谜，而不是澄清问题，雅各布，我认为你根本没必要来这里。”  “对不起，”他轻声说，“实在是叫人难受。”  我们在黑暗的房间里对视许久，两个人都心灰意冷。  “最要命的是，”他突然说道，“其实你早就知道了一切，我曾把所有的事都告诉了你！”  “你说什么？”  他猛吸一口气，然后朝我靠过来，脸上又重燃起希望。他直勾勾地盯着我的眼睛，说话声迅速、急切。他正对着我的脸，我能感受到他的呼气就和他的皮肤一样火热。  “我想到一个办法就绝所有问题——因为你什么都知道，贝拉！虽然我不能对你说，但你自己可以猜到！！这样我也能摆脱困境！”  “你想让我猜？猜什么呢？”  “我的秘密！！你能猜到——你知道答案！”  我眨了眨眼，让头脑保持清醒。我太困了，根本想不通他说的话。  他注意到我一脸茫然，努力振作起来。“等待，也许我能帮帮你。”他说道。我不知道他到底要做什么，只听到他急促的喘息声。  “帮我？”我硬撑着睁大眼睛，拼命抵抗着睡意。  “对，”他喘着粗气说道，“我可以给你一些线索。”  他用那双厚实、温暖的双手捧起我的脸，直视着我的眼睛，压低嗓音就好像暗示我他的话里有的话。  “还记得我们第一次见面的那天吗——在拉普西的海滩上？”  “当然记得。”  “跟我说说。”  我深吸一口气，让自己集中精神：“你问了一些关于我的小卡车的问题......”  他点点头，鼓励我往下说。  “我们谈论你的‘兔子’车......”  “接着说。”  “我们在海滩边散步......”我的脸蛋在他的手掌下越来越热，几乎和他滚烫的皮肤一样热，但他一点不在意。我回忆当初邀请他同我一道散步，还为了从他那里获取更多的信息，笨拙地同他调情，结果相当成功。  他又点点头，焦急地等待下文。  我的声音几乎轻得听不见：“你给我讲了恐怖故事.....《奎鲁特传奇》。”  他闭上双眼，然后睁开。“对。”他紧迫而激动地说道，好像正等着做什么至关重要的事情。接着，他放慢语速，让每一个字都听得清清楚楚：“还记得我说了些什么吗？”  即使身处黑暗中，他也一定能察觉到我脸色的变化。我怎么可能忘记他的话呢？当时，雅各布无意中说出了我正想要知道的事情——爱德华是吸血鬼。  他会意地看着我。“使劲想想。”他说道。  “是的，我记得。”我喘喘气。  他深吸一口气，艰难地问道：你还记得所有的故事......“他问不下去了，嘴巴张的大大的，好像嗓子眼儿被堵住。  ”所有的故事？“我问道。  他默默地点点头。  我在脑海里快速地搜寻。对我来说，只有那一个故事很重要。我记得刚开始的时候他讲了好几个故事，但是我记不清这些无关紧要的内容，更何况我现在精疲力竭、一头雾水。我摇了摇头。  雅各布叹了口气，从床上跳起来。他用拳头抵着前额，急促地喘息着。“你一定知道，你一定知道。”他对自己低语道。  “杰克？杰克，我现在累极了，没精力去回想这些，也许早上.....”  他调整呼吸使自己镇静下来，点了点头：“也许你会回想起来。我理解你为什么只记得那一个故事。”他的语气充满讽刺和挖苦，他又在我身边坐下，“你介意我提一个问题吗？”他问道，还是用那种讥讽的口气，“我一直都想知道。”  “关于什么的问题？”我小心的问道。  “关于我告诉你的那个吸血鬼的故事。”  我用警惕的眼神盯着他，不置可否，他还是提出了问题。  “你之前确实不知道吗？”他问我。声音变得沙哑，“我说了以后你才知道他的真实身份，对吗？”  他怎么知道这些事？！他为什么会相信这些事？为什么现在才信？！  我咬紧牙齿，狠狠地盯着他，没打算回答他，他也看出了我的反应。  “明白我所指的诚实是什么了吧？”他低声说道，声音变得更加沙哑，“我的状况也一样，甚至更糟，你想象不到我被约束得多么紧.....”  我不喜欢他这个样子——不喜欢他说道约束是紧闭双眼痛苦的模样。不只是不喜欢——是憎恶，我憎恶一切让他感到痛苦的东西，强烈地憎恶。山姆的脸出现在我脑海中。  我所做所为都是自愿的，是因为爱而守住卡伦一家的秘密，心甘情愿，发自内心。 而雅各布却不一样。  “有没有办法解脱出来？”我轻声问道，摸着他扎手的短发。  他紧闭双眼，手开始颤抖。“没有，我一辈子都被约束，终身监禁，”他苦笑着说道，“也许更久。”  “不，杰克，”我痛苦地说道，“我们逃走吧？只有你和我，我们离开这里、离开山姆吧？”  “这不是逃脱能解决的问题，贝拉，”他低声说，“如果可以，我也愿意跟你一起逃走。”他的肩膀开始颤抖，他深深地吸一口气，“好了，我得走了。”  “为什么？”  “你看上去随时都会昏倒，你得睡觉——我需要你养精蓄锐。你会回想起一切的，你必须想起来。”  “还有其他原因吗？”  他皱起眉头。“我是溜出来的——我不应该来见你，他们一定会猜想我在哪里。”他咬了咬嘴唇，“我想我应该回去告诉他们一声。”  “你没必要什么事情都对他们说。”我不满地说道。  “我还是会说的。”  一腔怒火在我身体里燃烧：“我恨他们！”  雅各布吃惊地睁大眼睛看着我：“别这样，贝拉，别恨他们。这并不是山姆或者他们中任何人的错。我对你说过——是我的错。实际上，山姆这个人......好极了。杰瑞德和保罗他也很好，尽管保罗有一点......还有恩布里，他永远都是我的朋友。什么都没有改变——这是唯一不变的事实。我后悔以前误解了山姆.....”  山姆好极了？我怀疑地盯着他，但没有问他理由。  “那你为什么不应该来见我？”我问道。  “因为不安全。”他压低嗓门，眼睛看着地上。  他的话吓得我浑身一颤。  他连那件事也知道了吗？除了我之外没有其他人知道那件事，但他的话是对的——现在正值深夜，是吸血鬼觅食的最佳时刻。雅各布不应该在我的房间里，他们有可能来这里找我，不能让其他人受到牵连。  “如果我认为非常......非常危险，”他轻声说，“我不会来。可是，贝拉，”他看着我，“我对你承诺过。我不知道履行诺言这么艰难，但是这并不代表我会食言。”  他看出了我脸上的疑惑。“那天看完电影，”他提醒我，“我问你保证永远不会伤害你.....但是我今天确实伤害到你了，对吗？”  “我知道你不是故意的，杰克。没关系。”  “谢谢你，贝拉，”他握住我的手，“我会尽我所能守护你，就像我承诺的那样。”他忽然朝我咧嘴一笑。这张笑脸不属于曾经的他，也不属于现在的他，而是两者奇怪的结合，“你最好能自己解开谜团，贝拉。努力地想想吧。”  我微微露出痛苦的表情：“我会尽力的。”  “我会想办法来看你,”他叹了口气，“他们肯定会劝我不要来。”  “别听他们的。”  “我尽力。”他摇摇头，似乎在怀疑自己能否成功，“你一知道答案就来告诉我。”他突然意识到什么，双手抖动一下，“如果你.....你还愿意见我的话。”  “我为什么不愿意见你？”  他的神色变得僵硬而冷酷，百分之百是那张属于山姆的脸。“噢，我知道原因，”他的声音变得粗暴，“好了，我必须离开。你能为我做件事吗？”  我点点头，他的转变让我有些害怕。  “如果你不愿意见我——至少给我打个电话，让我知道你的答案是否正确。”  “我不会......”  他抬起一只手打断了我的话：“记得告诉我一声。”  他朝着窗户走去。  “别傻了，杰克，”我抱怨道，“你会摔断腿的。从大门出去，查理不会发现你的。”  “我不会受伤。”他说道，但还是转身朝房门走去。  他在我身边停下脚步，转过来盯着我，脸上露出难以忍受的痛苦表情，就好像有利刃正刺入他的身体。他朝我伸出一只手。我抓住他的手，他突然使劲拉住我——力气特别大——把我拉下床，几乎要把我的骨头挤碎。  “没法——呼吸！”我气喘吁吁地说。  他立刻松开手，一只手扶在我的腰上防止我摔倒。他推着我回到床上，这一次动作更温柔一些。  “好好睡吧，贝尔。你要动脑筋想想，我知道你一定会想到的。我需要你的理解，我不想因为这件事失去你，贝尔。”  他一步跨到房门边轻轻地打开门，然后消失在门口。我竖起耳朵听他下楼梯时的咯吱声，但是什么声音也没有。  我躺在床上，觉得头昏脑涨，一切都是那么混乱，那么伤脑筋。我闭上眼睛，想理出一个头绪，但是很快就被睡意吞噬，失去了方向。  这并不是我所渴望的安宁的无梦的睡眠——当然不是。我又一次来到森林里，像从前一样开始漫步。  不久我就意识到这并非往常的梦境因为，我并不觉得自己是在找寻什么，我只是习惯地散着步，就像一般人在森林里漫步一样。事实上，这片森林也不是从前的那一个，气味和光线都有所改变，闻上去不是树丛中湿土的味道，而是海洋的咸腥味。我看不到天空，但是，一定是艳阳高照——头顶的树叶都是亮闪闪的碧绿色。  这是拉普西周围的森林——就在海滩附近，我敢确定。我想，如果找到海滩，我就能看到太阳，于是，我加快步伐，向着远处隐约的海浪声走去。  这时，雅各布出现了，他拉着我的手，把我拉回到森林中最黑暗的地方。  “雅各布，怎么回事？”我问道。他的脸就像一个受到惊吓的小男孩，长发还像从前一样柔顺，在颈背处扎成一个马尾。他使出浑身的力气拉着我。而我不停的反抗，我不想去黑暗的地方。  “快跑，贝拉，你必须跑！”他惊恐地对我耳语道。  一种似曾相识的感觉强烈地冲击着我，几乎要把我唤醒。  我知道自己为什么会有这种感觉，因为我以前来过这个地方，在另外一个梦境。那是一百多万年前的生活，与现在完全不同。我和雅各布在海滩散步的那一天夜里，我做了这个梦，也正是在那一天，我知道爱德华是吸血鬼。一定是刚才在雅各布的要求下回忆海滩散步的情景，把这个埋藏在我记忆深处的梦境有挖掘出来。  我清楚接下来会发什么。海滩上的一道光亮朝我照射过来，不久，爱德华会穿过树林，他的皮肤发出微光，黑色的眼睛透着杀气。他会微笑着向我打招呼，他的脸庞就像天使一样美丽，牙齿尖锐锋利.....  但是，事情并不是按照我的想象发生。  雅各布甩开我的手，发出痛苦的尖叫。他浑身剧烈地抽搐着，倒在了我的脚边。  “雅各布！”我惊叫着，但是他消失不见了。  在我脚边的是一匹巨大的红棕色的狼，黑色的眼睛机警灵敏。  梦境完全超出了预计，就像脱轨的列车。这并不是我曾梦到的狼。这匹红棕色的巨狼正是一个星期前我在草地上看到的离我不到半尺远的那匹。它体型庞大、相貌怪异，比起熊来更加威猛。  它直勾勾地盯着我，敏锐的眼睛似乎想向我传达重要信息。这双深棕色的眼睛我再熟悉不过了，正是雅各布·布莱克的。  我尖声惊叫着从梦中醒来。  这一回我倒希望查理进来看看。我的叫声与平常不同，我把头埋在枕头下，想压抑住尖叫触发的歇斯底里。我用枕头紧紧地压住脸，似乎这样就能消除我刚刚恍然明白的事实。  但是查理没有进来，我终于能控制住嗓子眼冒出来的刺耳声音。  我全都想起来了——雅各布那天在海滩边对我说的字字句句，不单是吸血鬼的那部分，还有‘冷血家族’，特别是他最开始说的那段（传说省略）.....  似乎有东西堵住了我的喉咙，让我喘不过气来。我试图把它吞咽下去，但是它堵在那里，一动不动。我又试图把它吐出来。  “狼人。”我喘着粗气说。  是的，就是这个词令我窒息。  整个世界似地轴消失般天翻地覆。  这是怎样一个世界啊？一个小不起眼的城镇里流传着古老的传说、居住着神秘的怪兽，这样的世界真的存在吗？这是否意味着所有难以置信的神话故事实际上都确凿无疑？到底有没有正常、健全的东西？或者说，一切都只是魔幻的故事？  我用手拼命拽着快要爆炸的脑袋。  头脑中一个冷静的声音轻声地问：这又有什么大不了？我不是很早以前就接受力吸血鬼的存在吗？——那时候一点惊惶的反应都没有。  但是，我想冲这个声音还击。对于一个人来说，一辈子有一次传说故事的亲身经历不就已经足够了吗？  而且，我从一开始就完全明白爱德华·卡伦是不同寻常的，知道他的真实身份对我来说并不是什么惊人之事——因为他显然是异族。  而雅各布？雅各布？就是雅各布，不是别的什么，雅各布，我的朋友？雅各布，唯一和我心灵相通的人.....  可是他根本不是人。  我又一次强压住尖叫的冲动。  这一回的事情说明什么呢？  我知道上一回完全是我自己的问题。不然，我的生活里怎么会出现恐怖电影里的人物？不然，在他们神秘离开的时候，我怎么会悲凄欲绝、久久不能痊愈？  我在脑海中将往事扭转、交替、重置，把上一回和这一回区分开来。  没有什么帮派。自始自终都没有什么小团体，没有什么帮派。不过，事实更恐怖，他们是一群！！  一群过目难忘、身材壮实、颜色不一的狼人，他们在爱德华的草地上与我擦肩而过......  我突然意识到什么，看了看钟——时间还太早，但我顾不上这么多。我现在必须去拉普西，我必须去见雅各布，他会证明我还清醒。  我随手抓起几件衣服穿上，不去理会搭配起来是否合适，三步并两步地跨下楼梯。从走廊奔向大门的时候，我差点跟查理撞了个满怀。”还有什么办法？怎么了？他问道，警觉的眼睛观察着我的脸色。我感到虚弱无力，脸色一定比平常苍白许多，“你不会是要给我讲环境保护的大道理吧。”  我没法回答。如果不是他正看着我，我早就昏倒在地了，这样，我就会彻底忘记失踪的游人、带血的脚印这档子事情......我就不会把它同我不久前意识到的事情联系在一起。  “亲爱的，别吓着自己。好好地待在镇里或者大马路上——别去其他地方——好吗？”  “好的。”我虚弱地回答道。 “我得走了。”  我第一次仔细地打量了他一番，发现他的腰间别着一把枪，脚上穿着长靴。  “你不会去追捕那群狼，对吧，爸爸？”  “我得帮忙，贝尔，有人失踪了。”  我又提高了声音，这一次几乎是歇斯底里地叫起来：“不！不，别去，太危险了！”  “这是我的工作，孩子。别这么悲观——我会没事的。”他转过身打开大门，“你不走吗？”  我犹豫不前，胃里一阵翻江倒海。怎样才能把他留下呢？我的脑袋里一片混乱，想不出任何法子。  “贝尔？”  “也许现在去拉普西还太早了。”我低声说。  “我同意。”他说道，然后关上大门，走了出去，外面正在下雨。  他刚消失在视线之外，我就倒坐在地上，把头放在两个膝盖中间。  我应该去追查理吗？我怎么对他解释呢  雅各布怎么办？雅各布是我最好的朋友，我应该去警告他。如果他真是——我身子一抖，逼着自己想出这个词——狼人（我知道他的确是，我能感觉到），他们会朝他开枪！我必须告诉他和他的朋友们，如果他们这群巨狼总在附近出没，人们会想方设法杀死他们，我必须告诉他们住手。  他们必须住手！查理如今也在森林里，他们会在意他吗？我不知道......到现在为止，失踪的都是陌生人。这是否意味着什么？或者仅是偶然？  我得相信至少雅各布会在意的。  无论如何，我必须去警告他。  但是......我真的必须去吗？  雅各布是我最好的朋友，但他不也是只怪兽吗？一只名副其实的怪兽，一只凶恶的怪兽。如果他和他的朋友是.....是凶手，我有必要去警告他吗？如果是他们无情地杀害无辜的游人呢？如果他们真像恐怖电影里的怪兽一样凶残，保护他们岂不是大错特错？  喔无可避免地将雅各布和他的朋友们同卡伦一家比较。一想到后者，胸口的伤口又隐隐作痛，我只好用手臂挡在胸前。  我对狼人知之甚少，只是通过电影有所了解——他们体型巨大、毛发浓密、半人半兽——仅此而已。因此，我不知道他们为什么要觅食，是因为饥饿、干渴，还是仅仅为了满足杀生的欲望。没弄清这个问题，就很难对他们的行为定罪。  但不管怎样，卡伦一家对善的追求所付出的代价要比他们大得多。我想到了埃斯梅——想起她那善良、美丽的脸庞，我的泪水不禁掉了下来——她慈祥、温柔，但是当我流血的时候，她总是捏住鼻子，不得不弃我而去，狼人所要忍受的痛苦不可能超过这个。我想到了卡莱尔，几百年来，他一直努力告诫自己无视血液的存在，这样，他才能做一名救死扶伤的医生。没有什么比这个更难以忍受了。  狼人选择了一条不同的道路。  而现在，我又应该如何抉择呢？
Chapter 13 Killer
IF IT WAS ANYONE BUT JACOB, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, shaking my head as I drove down the forest-lined highway to La Push.
　　I still wasn't sure if I was domg the right thing, but I'd made a compromise with myself.
　　I couldn't condone what Jacob and his friends, his pack, were doing. I understood now what he'd saidlast night—that I might not want to see him again—and I could have called him as he'd suggested, butthat felt cowardly. I owed him a face-to-face conversation, at least. I would tell him to his face that Icouldn't just overlook what was going on. I couldn't be friends with a killer and say nothing, let the killingcontinue… That would make me a monster, too.
　　But I couldn't not warn him, either. I had to do what I could to protect him.
　　I pulled up to the Blacks' house with my lips pressed together into a hard line. It was bad enough that mybest friend was a werewolf. Did he have to be a monster, too?
　　The house was dark, no lights in the windows, but I didn't care if I woke them. My fist thudded againstthe front door with angry energy; the sound reverberated through the walls.
　　"Come in," I heard Billy call after a minute, and a light flicked on.
　　I twisted the knob; it was unlocked. Billy was leaning around an open doorway just off the little kitchen, abathrobe around his shoulders, not in his chair yet. When he saw who it was, his eyes widened briefly,and then his face turned stoic.
　　"Well, good morning, Bella. What are you doing up so early?""Hey, Billy. I need to talk to Jake—where is he?""Um… I don't really know," he lied, straight-faced.
　　"Do you know what Charlie is doing this morning?" I demanded, sick of the stalling.
　　"Should I?""He and half the other men in town are all out in the woods with guns, hunting giant wolves."Billy's expression flickered, and then went blank.
　　"So I'd like to talk to Jake about that, if you don't mind," I continued.
　　Billy pursed his thick lips for a long moment. "I'd bet he's still asleep," he finally said, nodding toward the tiny hallway off the front room. "He's out late a lot these days. Kid needs his rest—probably youshouldn't wake him.""It's my turn," I muttered under my breath as I stalked to the hallway. Billy sighed.
　　Jacob's tiny closet of a room was the only door in the yard-long hallway. I didn't bother to knock. Ithrew the door open; it slammed against the wall with a bang.
　　Jacob—still wearing just the same black cut-off sweats he'd worn last night—was stretched diagonallyacross the double bed that took up all of his room but a few inches around the edges. Even on a slant, itwasn't long enough; his feet hung off the one end and his head off the other. He was fast asleep, snoringlightly with his mouth hanging open. The sound of the door hadn't even made him twitch.
　　His face was peaceful with (deep sleep, all the angry lines smoothed out. There were circles under hiseyes that I hadn't noticed before. Despite his ridiculous size, he looked very young now, and very weary.
　　Pity shook me.
　　I stepped back out, and shut the door quietly behind me.
　　Billy stared with curious, guarded eyes as I walked slowly back into the front room.
　　"I think I'll let him get some rest."Billy nodded, and then we gazed at each other for a minute. I was dying to ask him about his part in this.
　　What did he think of what his son had become? But I knew how he'd supported Sam from the verybeginning, and so I supposed the murders must not bother him. How he justified that to himself I couldn'timagine.
　　I could see many questions for me in his dark eyes, but he didn't voice them either.
　　"Look," I said, breaking the loud silence. "I'll be down at the beach for a while. When he wakes up, tellhim I'm waiting for him, okay?""Sure, sure," Billy agreed.
　　I wondered if he really would. Well, if he didn't, I'd tried, right?
　　I drove down to First Beach and parked in the empty dirt lot. It was still dark—the gloomy predawn of acloudy day—and when I cut the headlights it was hard to see. I had to let my eyes adjust before I couldfind the path that led through the tall hedge of weeds. It was colder here, with the wind whipping off theblack water, and I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my winter jacket. At least the rain hadstopped.
　　I paced down the beach toward the north seawall. I couldn't see St. James or the other islands, just thevague shape of the water's edge. I picked my way carefully across the rocks, watching out for driftwoodthat might trip me.
　　I found what I was looking for before I realized I was looking for it. It materialized out of the gloom whenit was just a few feet away: a long bone-white driftwood tree stranded deep on the rocks. The rootstwisted up at the seaward end, like a hundred brittle tentacles. I couldn't be sure that it was the same treewhere Jacob and I had had our first conversation—a conversation that had begun so many different,tangled threads of my life—but it seemed to be in about the same place I sat down where I'd sat before,and stared out across the invisible sea.
　　 Seeing Jacob like that—innocent and vulnerable in sleep—had stolen all my revulsion, dissolved all myanger. I still couldn't turn a blind sye to what was happening, like Billy seemed to, but I couldn't condemnJacob for it either. Love didn't work that way, I decided. Once you cared about a person, it wasimpossible to be logical about them anymore. Jacob was my friend whether he killed people or not. AndI didn't know what I was going to do about that.
　　When I pictured him sleeping so peacefully, I felt an overpowering urge to protect him. Completelyillogical.
　　Illogical or not, I brooded over the memory his peaceful face, trying to come up with some answer, someway to shelter him, while the sky slowly turned gray.
　　"Hi,Bella."Jacob's voice came from the darkness and made me jump. It was soft, almost shy, but I'd been expectingsome forewarning from the noisy rocks, and so it still startled me. I could see his silhouette against thecoming sunrise—it looked enormous.
　　"Jake?"He stood several paces away, shifting his weight from foot to foot anxiously.
　　"Billy told me you came by—didn't take you very long, did it? I knew you could figure it out.""Yeah, I remember the right story now," I whispered.
　　It was quiet for a long moment and, though it was still too dark to see well, my skin prickled as if his eyeswere searching my face. There must have been enough light for him to read my expression, becausewhen he spoke again, his voice was suddenly acidic.
　　"You could have just called," he said harshly.
　　I nodded. "I know."Jacob started pacing along the rocks. If I listened very hard, I could just hear the gentle brush of his feeton the rocks behind the sound of the waves. The rocks had clattered like castanets for me.
　　"Why did you come?" he demanded, not halting his angry stride.
　　"I thought it would be better face-to-face."He snorted. "Oh, much better.""Jacob, I have to warn you—""About the rangers and the hunters? Don't worry about it. We already know.""Don't worry about it?" I demanded in disbelief. "Jake, they've got guns! They're setting traps andoffering rewards and—""We can take care of ourselves," he growled, still pacing. "They're not going to catch anything. They'reonly making it more difficult—they'll start disappearing soon enough, too.""Jake!" I hissed.
　　 "What? It's just a fact."My voice was pale with revulsion. "How can you… feel that way? You know these people. Charlie's outthere!" The thought made my stomach twist.
　　He came to an abrupt stop. "What more can we do?" he retorted.
　　The sun turned the clouds a slivery pink above us. I could see his expression now; it was angry,frustrated, betrayed.
　　"Could you… well, try to not be a… werewolf?" I suggested in a whisper.
　　He threw his hands up in the air. "Like I have a choice about it!" he shouted. "And how would that helpanything, if you're worried about people disappearing?""I don't understand you."He glared at me, his eyes narrowing and his mouth twisting into a snarl. "You know what makes me somad I could just spit?"I flinched away from his hostile expression. He seemed to be waiting for an answer, so I shook my head.
　　"You're such a hypocrite, Bella—there you sit, terrified of me! How is that fair?" His hands shook withanger.
　　"Hypocrite? How does being afraid of a monster make me a hypocrite?""Ugh!" he groaned, pressing his trembling fists to his temples and squeezing his eyes shut. "Would youlisten to yourself?""What?"He took two steps toward me, leaning over me and glaring with fury. "Well, I'm so sorry that I can't bethe right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I'm just not as great as a bloodsucker, am I?"I jumped to my feet and glared back. "No, you're not!" I shouted. "It's not what you are, stupid, it's whatyou do!""What's that supposed to mean?" He roared, his entire frame quivering with rage.
　　I was taken entirely by surprise when Edward's voice cautioned me. "Be very careful, Bella," his velvetvoice warned. "Don't push him too far. You need to calm him down."Even the voice in my head was making no sense today.
　　I listened to him, though. I would do anything for that voice.
　　"Jacob," I pleaded, making my tone soft and even. "Is it really necessary to kill people, Jacob? Isn't theresome other way? I mean, if vampires can find a way to survive without murdering people, couldn't yougive it a try, too?"He straightened up with a jerk, like my words had sent an electric shock through him. His eyebrows shotup and his eyes stared wide.
　　"Killing people?" he demanded.
　　 "What did you think we were talking about?"He wasn't trembling anymore. He looked at me with half-hopeful disbelief. "I thought we were talkingabout your disgust for werewolves.""No, Jake, no. It's not that you're a… wolf. That's fine," I promised him, and I knew as I said the wordsthat I meant them. I really didn't care if he turned into a big wolf—he was still Jacob. "If you could justfind a way not to hurt people… that's all that upsets me. These ate innocent people, Jake, people likeCharlie, and I can't just look the other way while you—""Is that all? Really?" he interrupted me, a smile breaking across his face. "You're just scared because I'ma murderer? That's the only reason?""Isn't that reason enough?"He started to laugh.
　　"Jacob Black, this is so notfunny!""Sure, sure," he agreed, still chortling.
　　He took one long stride and caught me in another vice-tight bear hug.
　　"You really, honestly don't mind that I morph into a giant dog?" he asked, his voice joyful in my ear.
　　"No," I gasped. "Can't—breathe—Jake!"He let me go, but took both my hands. "I'm not a killer, Bella."I studied his face, and it was clear that this was the truth. Relief pulsed through me.
　　"Really?" I asked.
　　"Really," he promised solemnly.
　　I threw my arms around him. It reminded me of that first day with the motorcycles—he was bigger,though, and I felt even more like a child now.
　　Like that other time, he stroked my hair.
　　"Sorry I called you a hypocrite," he apologized.
　　"Sorry I called you a murderer."He laughed.
　　I thought of something then, and pulled away from him so that I could see his face. My eyebrowsfurrowed in anxiety. "What about Sam? And the others?"He shook his head, smiling like a huge burden had been removed from his shoulders. "Of course not.
　　Don't you remember what we call ourselves?"The memory was clear—I'd just been thinking of that very day. "Protectors?""Exactly." "But I don't understand. What's happening in the woods? The missing hikers, the blood?"His face was serious, worried at once. "We're trying to do our job, Bella. We're trying to protect them,but we're always just a little too late.""Protect them from what? Is there really a bear out there, too?""Bella, honey, we only protect people from one thing—our one enemy. It's the reason we exist—becausethey do."I stared at him blankly for one second before I understood. Then the blood drained from my face and athin, wordless cry of horror broke through my lips.
　　He nodded. "I thought you, of all people, would reali2e what was really going on.""Laurent," I whispered. "He's still here."Jacob blinked twice, and cocked his head to one side. "Who's Laurent?"I tried to sort out the chaos in my head so that I could answer. "You know—you saw him in themeadow. You were there…" The words came out in a wondering tone as it all sunk in. "You were there,and you kept him from killing me…""Oh, the black-haired leech?" He grinned, a tight, fierce grin. "Was that his name?"I shuddered. "What were you thinking?" I whispered. "He could have killed you! Jake, you don't realizehow dangerous—"Another laugh interrupted me "Bella, one lone vampire isn't much of a problem for a pack as big as ours.
　　It was so easy, it was hardly even fun!""What was so easy?""Killing the bloodsucker who was going to kill you. Now, I don't count that towards the whole murderthing," he added quickly. "Vampires don't count as people."I could only mouth the words. "You… killed… Laurent?"He nodded. "Well, it was a group effort," he qualified.
　　"Laurent is dead?" I whispered.
　　His expression changed. "You're not upset about that, are you? He was going to kill you—he was goingfor the kill, Bella, we were sure of that before we attacked. You know that, right?""I know that. No, I'm not upset—I'm…" I had to sit down. I stumbled back a step until I felt thedriftwood against my calves, and then sank down onto it. "Laurent is dead. He's not coming back forme.""You're not mad? He wasn't one of your friends or anything, was he?""My friend?" I stared up at him, confused and dizzy with relief. I started babbling, my eyes getting moist.
　　"No, Jake. I'm so… so relieved. I thought he was going to find me—I've been waiting for him everynight, just hoping that he'd stop with me and leave Charlie alone. I've been so frightened, Jacob… Buthow? He was a vampire! How did you kill him? He was so strong, so hard, like marble…" He sat down next to me and put one big arm around me comfortingly. "It's what we're made for, Bells.
　　We're strong, too. I wish you would have told me that you were so afraid. You didn't need to be.""You weren't around," I mumbled, lost in thought.
　　"Oh, right.""Wait, Jake—I thought you knew, though. Last night, you said it wasn't safe for you to be in my room. Ithought you knew that a vampire might be coming. Isn't that what you were talking about?"He looked confused for a minute, and then he ducked his head. "No, that's not what I meant.""Then why didn't you think it was safe for you there?"He looked at me with guilt-ridden eyes. "I didn't say it wasn't safe for me. I was thinking of you.""What do you mean?"He looked down and kicked a rock. "There's more than one reason I'm not supposed to be around you,Bella. I wasn't supposed to tell you our secret, for one thing, but the other part is that it's not safe for you.
　　If I get too mad… too upset… you might get hurt."I thought about that carefully. "When you were mad before… when I was yelling at you… and you wereshaking… ?""Yeah." His face dropped even lower. "That was pretty stupid of me. I have to keep a better hold onmyself. I swore I wasn't going to get mad, no matter what you said to me. But… I just got so upser that Iwas going to lose you… that you couldn't deal with what I am…""What would happen… if you got too mad?" I whispered.
　　"I'd turn into a wolf," he whispered back.
　　"You don't need a full moon."He rolled his eyes. "Hollywood's version doesn't get much right." Then he sighed, and was serious again.
　　"You don't need to be so stressed out, Bells. We're going to take care of this. And we're keeping aspecial eye on Charlie and the others—we won't let anything happen to him. Trust me on that."Something very, very obvious, something I should have grasped at once—but I'd been so distracted bythe idea of Jacob and his friends fighting with Laurent, that I'd completely missed it at the time—occurredto me only then, when Jacob used the present tense again.
　　We're going to take care of this.
　　It wasn't over.
　　"Laurent is dead," I gasped, and my entire body went ice cold.
　　"Bella?" Jacob asked anxiously, touching my ashen cheek.
　　"If Laurent died… a week ago… then someone else is killing people now."Jacob nodded; his teeth clenched together, and he spoke through them. "There were two of them. Wethought his mate would want to fight us—in our stories, they usually get pretty pissed off if you kill their mate—but she just keeps running away, and then coming back again. If we could figure out what shewas after, it would be easier to take her down. But she makes no sense. She keeps dancing around theedges, like she's testing our defenses, looking for a way in—but in where? Where does she want to go?
　　Sam thinks she's trying to separate us, so she'll have a better chance…"His voice faded until it sounded like it was coming through a long tunnel; I couldn't make out theindividual words anymore. My forehead dewed with sweat and my stomach rolled like I had the stomachflu again. Exactly like I had the flu.
　　I turned away from him quickly, and leaned over the tree trunk. My body convulsed with useless heaves,my empty stomach contracting with horrified nausea, though there was nothing in it to expel.
　　Victoria was here. Looking for me. Killing strangers in the woods. The woods where Charlie wassearching…My head spun sickeningly.
　　Jacob's hands caught my shoulders—kept me from sliding forward onto the rocks. I could feel his hotbreath on my cheek. "Bella! What's wrong?""Victoria," I gasped as soon as I could catch my breath around the nauseous spasms.
　　In my head, Edward snarled in fury at the name.
　　I felt Jacob pull me up from my slump. He draped me awkwardly across his lap, laying my limp headagainst his shoulder. He struggled to balance me, to keep me from sagging over, one way or the other Hebrushed the sweaty hair back from my face.
　　"Who?" Jacob asked. "Can you hear me, Bella? Bella?""She wasn't Laurent's mate," I moaned into his shoulder. "They were just old friends…""Do you need some water? A doctor? Tell me what to do," he demanded, frantic.
　　"I'm not sick—I'm scared," I explained in a whisper. The word scared didn't really seem to cover it.
　　Jacob patted my back. "Scaled of this Victoria?" I nodded, shuddering. "Victoria is the red-hairedfemale?" I trembled again, and whimpered, "Yes.""How do you know she wasn't his mate?""Laurent told me James was her mate," I explained, automatically flexing the hand with the scar.
　　He pulled my face around, holding it steady in his big hand. He stared intently into my eyes. "Did he tellyou anything else, Bella? This is important. Do you know what she wants?""Of course," I whispered. "She wants me." His eyes flipped wide, then narrowed into slits. "Why?" hedemanded.
　　"Edward killed James," I whispered. Jacob held me so tightly that there was no need for me to clutch atthe hole—he kept me in one piece. "She did get… pissed off. But Laurent said she thought it was fairerto kill me than Edward. Mate for mate. She didn't know—still doesn't know, I guess—that… that…" Iswallowed hard. "That things aren't like that with us anymore. Not for Edward, anyway."Jacob was distracted by that, his face torn between several different expressions. "Is that what happened? Why the Cullens left?""I'm nothing but a human, after all. Nothing special," I explained, shrugging weakly.
　　Something like a growl—not a real growl, just a human approximation—rumbled in Jacob's chest undermy ear. "If that idiot bloodsucker is honestly stupid enough—""Please," I moaned. "Please. Don't."Jacob hesitated, then nodded once.
　　"This is important," he said again, his face all business now. "This is exactly what we needed to know.
　　We've got to tell the others right away."He stood, pulling me to my feet. He kept two hands on my waist until he was sure I wasn't going to fall.
　　"I'm okay," I lied.
　　He traded his hold on my waist for one of my hands. "Let's go."He pulled me back toward the truck.
　　"Where are we going?" I asked.
　　"I'm not sure yet," he admitted. "I'll call a meeting. Hey, wait here for just a minute, okay?" He leaned meagainst the side of the truck and released my hand.
　　"Where are you going?""I'll be right back," he promised. Then he turned and sprinted through the parking lot, across the road,and into the bordering forest. He flitted into the trees, swift and sleek as a deer.
　　"Jacob!" I yelled after him hoarsely, but he was already gone.
　　It was not a good time to be left alone. Seconds after Jacob was out of sight, I was hyperventilating. Idragged myself into the cab of the truck, and mashed the locks down at once. It didn't make me feel anybetter.
　　Victoria was already hunting me. It was just luck that she hadn't found me yet—just luck and five teenagewerewolves. I exhaled sharply. No matter what Jacob said, the thought of him coming anywhere close toVictoria was horrifying. I didn't care what he could turn into when he got mad. I could see her in myhead, her face wild, her hair like flames, deadly, indestructible…But, according to Jacob, Laurent was gone. Was that really possible? Edward—I clutched automaticallyat my chest—had told me how difficult it was to kill a vampire. Only another vampire could do the job.
　　Yet Jake said this was what werewolves were made for…He said they were keeping a special eye on Charlie—that I should trust the werewolves to keep myfather safe. How could I trust that? None of us were safe! Jacob the very least of all, if he was trying toput himself between Victoria and Charlie… between Victoria and me.
　　I felt like I might be about to throw up again.
　　A sharp rap on the truck's window made me yelp in terror—but it was just Jacob, back already. Iunlocked the door with trembling, grateful fingers.
　　 "You're really scared, aren't you?" he asked as he climbed in.
　　I nodded.
　　"Don't be. We'll take care of you—and Charlie, too. I promise.""The idea of you finding Victoria is scarier than the idea of her finding me," I whispered.
　　He laughed. "You've got to have a little more confidence in us than that. It's insulting."I just shook my head. I'd seen too many vampires in action.
　　"Where did you go just now?" I asked.
　　He pursed his lips, and said nothing.
　　"What? Is it a secret?"He frowned. "Not really. It's kind of weird, though. I don't want to freak you out.""I'm sort of used to weird by this point, you know." I tried to smile without much success.
　　Jacob grinned back easily. "Guess you'd have to be. Okay. See, when we're wolves, we can… heareach other."My eyebrows pulled down in confusion.
　　"Not hear sounds," he went on, "but we can hear… thoughts—each other's anyway—no matter how faraway from each other we are. It really helps when we hunt, but it's a big pain otherwise. It'sembarrassing—having no secrets like that. Freaky, eh?""Is that what you meant last night, when you said you would tell them you'd seen me, even though youdidn't want to?""You're quick.""Thanks.""You're also very good with weird. I thought that would bother you.""It's not… well, you're not the first person I've known who could do that. So it doesn't seem so weird tome.""Really?… Wait—are you talking about your bloodsuckers?""I wish you wouldn't call them that."He laughed. "Whatever. The Cullens, then?""Just… just Edward." I pulled one arm surreptitiously around my torso.
　　Jacob looked surprised—unpleasantly so. "I thought those were just stories. I've heard legends aboutvampires who could do… extra stuff, but I thought that was just a myth.""Is anything just a myth anymore?" I asked him wryly.
　　 He scowled. "Guess not. Okay, we're going to meet Sam and the others at the place we go to ride ourbikes."I started the truck and headed back up the road.
　　"So did you just turn into a wolf now, to talk to Sam?" I asked, curious.
　　Jacob nodded, seeming embarrassed. "I kept it real short—I tried not to think about you so theywouldn't know what was going on. I was afraid Sam would tell me I couldn't bring you.""That wouldn't have stopped me." I couldn't get rid of my perception of Sam as the bad guy. My teethclenched together whenever I heard his name.
　　"Well, it would have stopped me," Jacob said, morose now. "Remember how I couldn't finish mysentences last night? How I couldn't just tell you the whole story?""Yeah. You looked like you were choking on something."He chuckled darkly. "Close enough. Sam told me I couldn't tell you. He's… the head of the pack, youknow. He's the Alpha. When he tells us to do something, or not to do something—when he really meansit, well, we can't just ignore him.""Weird," I muttered.
　　"Very," he agreed. "It's kind of a wolf thing.""Huh" was the best response I could think of.
　　"Yeah, there's a load of stuff like that—wolf things. I'm still learning. I can't imagine what it was like forSam, trying to deal with this alone. It sucks bad enough to go through it with a whole pack for support.""Sam was alone?""Yeah." Jacob's voice lowered. "When I… changed, it was the most… horrible, the most terrifyingthing I've ever been through—worse than anything I could have imagined. But I wasn't alone—therewere the voices there, in my head, telling me what had happened and what I had to do. That kept mefrom losing my mind, I think. But Sam…" He shook his head. "Sam had no help."This was going to take some adjusting. When Jacob explained it like that, it was hard not to feelcompassion for Sam. I had to keep reminding myself that there was no reason to hate him anymore.
　　"Will they be angry that I'm with you?" I asked.
　　He made a face. "Probably.""Maybe I shouldn't—""No, it's okay," he assured me. "You know a ton of things that can help us. It's not like you're just someignorant human. You're like a… I don't know, spy or something. You've been behind enemy lines."I frowned to myself. Was that what Jacob would want from me? Insider information to help them destroytheir enemies? I wasn't a spy, though. I hadn't been collecting that kind of information. Already, his wordsmade me feel like a traitor.
　　But I wanted him to stop Victoria, didn't I?
　　 No.
　　I did want Victoria to be stopped, preferably before she tortured me to death or ran into Charlie or killedanother stranger. I just didn't want Jacob to be the one to stop her, or rather to try. I didn't want Jacobwithin a hundred miles of her.
　　"Like the stuff about the mind-reading bloodsucker," he continued, oblivious to my reverie. "That's thekind of thing we need to know about. That really sucks that those stories are true. It makes everythingmore complicated. Hey, do you think this Victoria can do anything special?""I don't think so," I hesitated, and then sighed. "He would have mentioned it.""He? Oh, you mean Edward—oops, sorry. I forgot. You don't like to say his name. Or hear it."I squeezed my midsection, trying to ignore the throbbing around the edges of my chest. "Not really, no.""Sorry.""How do you know me so well, Jacob? Sometimes it's like you can read my mind.""Naw. I just pay attention."We were on the little dirt road where Jacob had first taught me to ride the motorcycle.
　　"This good?" I asked.
　　"Sure, sure."I pulled over and cut the engine.
　　"You're still pretty unhappy, aren't you?" he murmured.
　　I nodded, staring unseeingly into the gloomy forest.
　　"Did you ever think… that maybe… you're better off?"I inhaled slowly, and then let my breath out. "No.""'Cause he wasn't the best—""Please, Jacob," I interrupted, begging in a whisper. "Could we please not talk about this? I can't standit.""Okay." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I said anything.""Don't feel bad. If things were different, it would be nice to finally be able to talk to someone about it."He nodded. "Yeah, I had a hard time keeping a secret from you for two weeks. It must be hell to not beable to talk to anyone.""Hell," I agreed.
　　Jacob sucked in a sharp breath. "They're here. Let's go.""Are you sure?" I asked while he popped his door open. "Maybe I shouldn't be here." "They'll deal with it," he said, and then he grinned. "Who's afraid of the big, bad wolf?""Ha ha," I said. But I got out of the truck, hurrying around the front end to stand close beside Jacob. Iremembered only too clearly the giant monsters in the meadow. My hands were trembling like Jacob'shad been before, but with fear rather than rage.
　　Jake took my hand and squeezed it. "Here we go."13  凶手 
 
我开车前往拉普西，路旁是茂密的森林。我摇摇头，暗自思考，如果不是雅各布，把该多好啊。 我仍不确定自己这样做到底对不对，但我还有理由去见见他。 我不能饶恕雅各布和他的朋友的所作所为。现在我终于明白他昨晚说的话——也许再也不想见他——我可以像他说的那样打个电话，但那是胆小鬼的行为。至少，我欠他一次面对面的交谈，我要当面对他说我不会对发生的一切不闻不问。我不可能和杀人凶手交朋友、放任他们胡作非为、让杀人案无休止地发生.....不然，我同残忍的怪兽又有什么两样？ 但是，我不可能不去警告他，我要尽我所能地保护他。 我在布莱克家门口停住车，紧紧地抿着双唇。我最好的朋友是狼人，这已经让人无法接受，难道他就不能做个善良的狼人吗？ 屋子里漆黑一片，没有灯光，但我不在乎把他们从睡梦中唤醒，我怒气冲冲地用拳头捶打着大门，声音在屋子里回响。 “进来。”一分钟后我听到比利的喊声，里面亮起一盏灯。 我转动门把，门没锁。比利没有坐在轮椅上，而是倚靠在厨房的门口，肩上搭着一条浴巾，他看到进来的人是我，一下子瞪大了眼睛，但很快恢复了平常的漠然。 “早上好，贝拉，这么早有什么事吗？” “嘿，比利，我要和杰克谈谈——他在哪儿？” “恩......我不知道。”他显然在撒谎。 “你知道查理今天早上去干吗了吗？”我为他的遮遮掩掩感到恼怒。“我怎么知道？” “他和镇上一半的男人都到森林里去了，带着枪，去抓那群巨狼。” 比利的脸上闪过短暂的讶异。 比利撅着嘴，过了好久才说：“我想他还在睡觉。”他朝狭窄的走廊点点头，“最近今天他都很晚才回来，这孩子需要休息——也许你不应该叫醒他。” “轮到我打扰他休息了。”我嘟囔道，怒冲冲地朝走廊走去，比利叹了口气。 雅各布的卧室是个狭小的储藏室，是一码长的走廊上唯一的房间。我没敲门，狠狠地将门推开，房门撞到墙上发出呯的响声。 雅各布还穿着昨晚那套黑色的运动服——斜躺在双人床上。这张床占据了房间的大部分空间，床边和墙壁之间留着一点空隙。尽管他是斜躺着，但床还是不够长，他的头和脚都撑到了床外。。他睡得正熟，张着嘴巴，微微地打鼾，根本没听到房门撞击墙壁的声响。 他的脸在沉睡中显得特别平静，愤怒时显出来的皱纹没有了。我从没注意到他的眼睛下有黑眼圈。虽然他身材高大魁梧，但现在看上去很年幼、很疲倦，我的心一下子软下来。 我退了出来，轻轻地关上身后的房门。 比利好奇而警惕地盯着我走回到客厅。 “我还是让他多休息一会儿吧。” 比利点点头，我们注视着前方，我很想质问他在整件事中承担的责任，他对儿子的变化有什么想法呢？但是，我知道他从一开始就站在山姆那边，对于杀人犯他一定也不以为然，我无法想象他如何能够坦然面对这件事。 我从他的眼神中看出他有很多问题想问我，但是他也没有吱声。 “好吧，”我打破了沉默，“我到海滩去待一会儿。如果他醒了，告诉他我在等他，好吗？” “当然，当然。”比利满口答应。 我对他的回答表示怀疑。管他呢，如果他不告诉雅各布，我就再来一趟这里。 我把车开到第一海滩，停在空无一人的泥地上。天还是灰蒙蒙的——阴天天亮前的阴郁——我关了车灯，几乎什么也看不见。我的眼睛逐渐适应了四周的黑暗，在杂草丛生的荒地上寻找道路。海滩边很冷，海风一阵阵刮过来，我把手塞进外套口袋，所幸的是雨已经停了。 我沿着海滩向北面的海堤走去。我望不见圣詹姆斯和其他岛屿，只能隐隐约约地看到海上的波浪。我小心翼翼地穿过岩石，生怕被浮木绊倒。 终于到了，我没意识到自己是在寻找这个地方。在不远处的昏暗之中，它朦胧可见：一棵高大、灰白的浮木深深插入岩石地中，朝向大海的树根纠结在一起，好像无数脆弱的触角。我不确定这就是雅各布和我第一次交谈的地方——从那次谈话以后，我的生活发生了翻天覆地的变化，变得错综复杂——但是，大概就是在这附近。我在我曾经坐过的地方坐下，望着若隐若现的大海。 回想起雅各布的模样——熟睡时无辜、柔弱的模样——我的憎恶和愤怒全都烟消云散了。我不能像比利一样对发生的一切视而不见，但我也不能将所有的过错都怪罪到雅各布身上。爱不是这个样子的，如果你在乎一个人，就没有办法理性地对待他的所作所为。不管雅各布有没有杀人，他始终都是我的朋友，我自己也不清楚应该如何是好。 一想到他安然沉睡的样子，我就有一股要保护他的强烈冲动，我就完全失去理性。 不管理性与否，我完全沉浸在对他的回忆之中，也许想着他那张安宁的脸庞，就能想出庇护他的法子。天这时渐渐亮起来。 “嗨，贝拉。” 灰暗中传来雅各布的声音，我吓了一跳。他的声音温柔，甚至带有一丝羞怯，但他靠进时没发出一点声响，着实吓坏了我。借着日出前的光亮，我看见了他的轮廓——高达壮实。 “杰克？” 他在离我几步远的地方，紧张地交替着双脚站立。 “比利告诉我你去过家里——没花你多长时间，对吗？我就知道你会猜出来的。” “是的，我记起来了。”我轻声说道。 我们沉默了许久，尽管四周很暗，什么也看不清楚，但我觉得他似乎在仔细观察着我的脸色。我感到浑身不自在，针刺般的难受。他一定是看清楚了我的表情，因为他再次开口说话时，声音变得尖酸。 “你可以打个电话过来。”他粗鲁地说道。 我点点头：“我知道。” 雅各布朝我走过来。我竖起耳朵听他的动静，在海浪声下，只微微听见他轻触岩石地的脚步声。而刚才我走过的时候，岩石地就像响板一样嘎嗒作响。 “那你为什么还来找我？”他问道，没有停下怒冲冲的脚步。 “我想，面对面地谈谈会更好。” 他哼了一声：“好得多。” “雅各布，我得警告你......” “关于护林员还有那些狩猎人？不用担心，我们已经知道了。” “不用担心？”我不相信自己的耳朵，“杰克，他们有枪！他们设了陷阱，还提供了奖金，还......” “我们能照顾好自己，”他愤愤地说，仍朝我走着，“他们什么也抓不到，他们只会让事情越来越糟——不久，他们自己也会失踪。” “杰克！”我叫道。 “怎么了，这只是事实。” 强烈的憎恶又涌上心头，我冷冷地说：“你怎么能.....这样想？你认识这些人，查理也在其中！”一想到这一点，我的胃里就一阵不舒服。 他突然停住了脚步。“我们还能做什么？”他反问道。 太阳出来了，我们头顶的云彩被染成了粉色的彩带。我能清楚地看到他的表情，他的脸上写满了愤怒、失落，似乎遭人背叛。 “你能不能.....不要做.....狼人？”我低声地试探道。 我抬起一只手，“我别无选择！”他说道，“既然你担心人们失踪，我不做狼人就能解决问题吗？” “我不明白你的意思。” 他怒视着我。眯着眼睛，大声吼道：“你知道是什么让我愤怒到恨不得破口大骂吗？” 我被他充满敌意的样子怔住了。他似乎在等我的答案，我摇了摇头。 “你真是个伪君子，贝拉——你坐在那里，被我吓倒！这样公平吗？”他的手抖得厉害。 “伪君子？！我被怪兽吓倒，这也算伪君子？” “啊！”他痛苦地呻吟着，颤抖的双拳使劲按住太阳穴，眼睛紧紧地闭着，“听听你自己说的话吧！” “什么？” 他朝我走了两步，俯下身子，恶狠狠地盯着我。“好吧，抱歉，我不是那种适合你的怪物，贝拉。我没有吸血鬼那么伟大，对吗？” 我跳了起来，同样愤怒地盯着他。“对，你没有他们伟大！”我嚷道，“不是因为你是什么，笨蛋，而是因为你做了什么！！” “你这话是什么意思？”他咆哮着，气得浑身发抖。 爱德华的声音这时侯突然出现，我惊讶不已，“千万小心，贝拉，”他温柔地提醒我，“不要逼迫他，你得让他冷静下来。”（心电感应啊~~~撒花~~~~） 即使是他的话，在今天也同样让人费解。 但我还是照他说的话做了，我会为了这个声音做任何事情。 “雅各布，”我恳求道，语气温柔、平和，“真的非得杀人吗，雅各布？就没有别的什么方法？我是说，如果吸血鬼可以不杀人而活下来，你为什么不能试试呢？” 他突然直起身子，我的话仿佛电击令他一震。他扬起眉毛，眼睛瞪得圆圆的。 “杀人？”他问道。 “你认为我们在谈什么呢？” 他不再颤抖，用解脱之后满怀希望的眼神看着我：“我以为，我们在谈你对狼人的憎恶。” “不，杰克，不。不是因为你是一匹......狼。这一点问题都没有。”我向他承诺，这句话完全发自肺腑。我的确不在乎他会变成一匹巨狼——他仍然是雅各布。“如果你可以不再伤人......这是让我心烦的事。他们都是无辜的人，杰克，像查理这样的人，我也无法忍受他们抓捕你.....” “仅仅是因为这样？真的吗？”他打断了我的话，脸上顿时露出了笑容，“你只是因为我是杀人凶手而害怕？仅此而已？” “难道这个理由还不充分吗？” 他笑出声来。 “雅各布·布莱克，这件事并不可笑！！” “当然，当然。”他赞同道，还是咯咯笑着。 他朝前跨了一大步，把我紧紧地揽入怀中。 “你真的一点儿也不介意我会变成一匹巨狼？”他在我耳边问道，声音中充满欣喜。 “不介意，”我喘着粗气说，“呼吸——困难——杰克！！” 他松开胳膊，握住了我的双手：“我不是凶手，贝拉。” 我盯着他的脸，看得出他说的是实话，我立刻松了一口气。 “真的吗？”我问道。 “真的。”他严肃地回答。 我张开双臂搂住了他。这让我想起了第一次骑摩托车的那一天——他比那时更加高大，我觉得自己此刻比当时更像个小孩子。 他像从前一样轻抚我的头发。 “对不起，我刚才不该叫你伪君子。”他抱歉地说。 “对不起，我刚才不该叫你杀人犯。” 他笑了起来。 我突然想起了什么，轻轻推开他，盯着他的脸，焦急地皱着眉头，“那山姆呢？还有其他人？” 他摇了摇头，如释重负般笑着：“当然不是，记得我们怎么称呼自己吗？” 往事历历在目——我正在回忆那斓男 埃骸氨；ふ撸俊?“没错。” “但是我不明白，森林里到底发生了什么事？失踪的游人，还有血迹？” 他的脸色立马变得严肃、焦虑：“我们在尽力完成我们的使命，贝拉。我们设法保护他们，但是每次都迟了一步。” “为什么要保护他们？难道森林里真的有熊吗？” “贝拉，亲爱的，我们对抗的目标只有一个——我们唯一的敌人，这是我们存在于世界上的原因——因为他们也存在。” “劳伦特，”我轻声说，“他还在这里。” 雅各布眨了眨眼，把头歪向一边：“谁是劳伦特？” 我理了理纷乱的头绪，回答道：“你知道的——你在草地上见过他，你当时在场.....”我的声音越来越小，几乎听不见，“你当时在场，保护我不被他伤害.....” “哦，是那个黑头发的吸血鬼吗？”他咧嘴一笑，笑容里带着一丝凶恶，“那是他的名字？” 我浑身一抖。“你不害怕吗？”我低语道，“他很可能要你的命！杰克，你不知当时有多危险.....“ 他又笑着打断我的话：“贝拉，一个吸血鬼势单力薄，根本不是我们这么一大群狼人的对手。一切易如反掌，我们都还没体会到其中的乐趣呢！” “什么事情易如反掌？” “杀死了那个想要杀死你的吸血鬼。我认为这算不上是杀人案，”他马上补充道，“吸血鬼压根不是人。” 我简直说不出话：“你......杀了......劳伦特？” 他点点头、“对啊，其实是集体努力的结果。”他更正道。 “劳伦特死了？”我自言自语道。 他变了脸色：“你不会是为了他的死伤心吧？他当时想杀了你——他确实想杀你，贝拉，我们对此确信无疑才会袭击他。你知道的，对吗？” “我知道。不是，我不是伤心——我是......”我实在站不住了，向后退了一步，小腿碰到了浮木，一下子倒坐在上面，“劳伦特死了，他再也不会来找我。” “你疯了吗？难道他也是你的朋友？” “我的朋友？”我抬起头盯着他，感到一阵眩晕，但内心充满了被解救后的欣喜，我开始有些语无伦次，眼睛渐渐湿润，“不是，杰克，我太......太高兴了。我以为他会找到我——每天夜里我都担心他会来找我，我只希望他放过查理。我真的很害怕，雅各布.....但是，怎么可能？他是个吸血鬼！你们怎么可能杀死他？他那么强壮，那么坚硬，像顽石一样......” 他在我身边坐下，结实的手臂温柔地搂着我：“这是我们的使命，贝尔，我们也很强壮。你应该早点告诉我你的恐惧，其实你没必要感到害怕。” “那段时间我找不到你。”我陷入沉思中。 “哦，是的。” “等等，杰克——我以为你知道我的害怕。昨天晚上，你说在我的房间不安全。我以为你知道吸血鬼有可能来找我，难道你指的不是这件事？” 他露出疑惑的表情，过了一会儿，他埋下脑袋：“不是，不是这件事。” 他充满愧疚地看着我：“不安全的那个人不是指我，而是指你。” “什么意思？” 他眼睛望着地上，脚踢着旁边的岩石：“我不能和你在一起是有许多原因的，贝拉。我不应该告诉你我们的秘密，这是其一。另外，我和你在一起对你来说非常危险。如果我太生气.....太烦乱......也许会伤害到你。” 我仔细地想着他的话：“你生气的时候.....我朝你大吼大叫的时候......你的身子在发抖.....” “是的，”他又低下头，“我当时真是太傻了，我应该努力控制好自己的情绪。之前我还发誓，无论你对我说什么我都不能生气，可是......一想到我会失去你.....一想到你不能接受我是......我就心烦意乱。” “如果你太生气.......会发生什么事情？”我轻声地问道。 “我会变成一匹狼。”他也轻声地回答道。 “你们不是在月圆的时候才会变成狼吗？” 他转了转眼珠。“好莱坞的电影不太现实。”他叹了口气，神情严肃，“你不用这么紧张，贝尔，我们将会处理好一切。我们会特别留意查理还有其他人——不会让他受到任何伤害。相信我。” 有一件显而易见的事情我早该察觉——但是我一直想象着雅各布和他的朋友们同劳伦特进行殊死搏斗的情景，一点也没有留意——直到听到他的话里的将来时，我才如梦初醒。 我们将会处理好一切！！ 这一切都还没有完结。 “劳伦特死了。”我喘着粗气，全身冰凉。 “贝拉？”雅各布紧张地问道，轻抚我苍白的脸颊。 “如果劳伦特一个星期前.....死了.....那么现在行凶的一定另有其人。” 雅各布点点头，他咬牙切齿地说道：“他们是一对。我们以为他的伴侣会来报仇——传说中说，如果有人杀死了他们的伴侣，他们会非常生气——但是她躲躲闪闪，不找我们寻仇。要是我们知道她到底想要什么，事情会变得容易得多。她不露痕迹，总是在边缘地带活动，似乎在伺机突破我们的防守，进入某个地方——但是进入哪里呢？她的目的到底是什么呢？山姆认为她企图调虎离山，把我们分开，她就有机可乘.....” 他的声音渐渐变得模糊，仿佛来自一条深远的隧道，我一个字也听不清楚，额头上冒出粒粒汗珠，好像又染上了肠胃感冒一样难受。没错，就像染上了肠胃感冒。 我迅速地转过身，靠在树干上，发出声声呻吟。身体不断的抽搐。我因为惊吓过度而感到一阵恶心，尽管胃里空无一物却仍想要呕吐。 维多利亚在这里。她在寻找我，她在森林里杀害无辜的人们，查理也在森林里..... 我感到头晕目眩。 雅各布伸手抓住我的肩膀——我就快倒在旁边的岩石上。我的脸颊感觉到他的温暖的鼻息。“贝拉！怎么了？” “维多利亚。”我喘着粗气，强忍住身体的抽搐和胃部的痉挛。 一听到这个名字，脑海里爱德华的声音开始愤怒的咆哮。 我的身体逐渐下沉，雅各布支撑着我。他拉着我坐到他腿上，将我耸拉的脑袋靠在他肩膀上。他尽力让我保持平衡，不再左摇右晃，又伸手抚开我脸颊上被汗水浸湿的头发。 “谁？”雅各布问道，“能听见我说话吗？贝拉？贝拉？” “她不是劳伦特的伴侣，”我靠在他的肩膀无力地说道，“他们只是老朋友.....” “想喝水吗？去看医生吧？告诉我应该做些什么。”他惶恐地问道。 “我没有生病——我只是害怕。”我轻声地向他解释。害怕这个词似乎不足以形容我此刻的感受。 雅各布轻柔地拍拍我的后背：“害怕维多利亚吗？” 我点点头，身子一抖。 “维多利亚是不是一个红头发的女人？” 我又是一阵颤抖，呜咽地说：“是的。” “你怎么知道他不是他的伴侣？” “劳伦特告诉我詹姆斯是她的爱人。”我解释道，那只带着伤疤的手不自觉的抖动一下。 他用厚实的手掌稳稳的捧着我的脸，目不转睛地注视着我的双眼：“他还对你说过什么，贝拉？这太重要了。你知道她想要什么吗？” “当然知道，”我低语道，“她想要我。” 他突然睁大眼睛，然后又眯缝着眼问道：“为什么？” “爱德华杀死了詹姆斯。”我轻声说，雅各布紧紧地抓着我，我根本不用去捂住胸前的伤口——他强而有力的支撑就是我的止痛剂，“她确实.....非常生气。但是劳伦特说，她觉得杀我比杀爱德华更公平。这叫以牙还牙，爱人换爱人。她不知道——至今都不知道——我们......我们.....”我哽咽地说，“我们已经不是以前那种关系了，至少对于爱德华来说已经不是了。” 雅各布听得入神，脸上露出不同的表情：“就是这样一回事吗？卡伦一家是因为这个理由而离开的吗？” “毕竟我是个普通人，没有什么与众不同的地方。”我解释道，虚弱地耸耸肩。 似乎有一阵低嚎——那是一种类似于人类咆哮时发出的声音——在雅各布的胸膛里回荡：“那个白痴吸血鬼真是太愚蠢了......” “不，”我伤心地说道，“不，别这样说。” 雅各布犹豫片刻，点点头。 “这件事太重要了，”他的脸色变得十分严肃，“这正是我们想要知道的事情，我们必须马上通知其他人。” 他站了起来，搀扶我站稳。他用双手搂着我的腰，保证我不会倒下。 “我没事。”我撒了谎。 他腾出一只手握住我的手：“走吧。” 他扶着我向小卡车走去。 “我们去哪啊？”我问道。 “我还不确定，”他说道，“我会召集一个会议。嘿，在这里等我一下，好吗？”他让我靠在小卡车边上，松开了我的手。 “你去哪里？” “我很快就回来。：他承诺道，然后转过身，快速地穿过停车场，接着穿过马路，窜进了路边的森林。他在树丛中轻快地穿梭，像只鹿一样敏捷、迅速。 “雅各布！”我扯着嗓子喊道，但他已经无影无踪。 这个时侯单独待在这种地方实在不是明智之举。雅各布刚刚消失在视线之处，我就感到呼吸加速。我吃力地爬进车里，使劲按下车栓，但是一点安全感也没有。 维多利亚一直在找我。她没找到只不过是因为我运气好——运气好再加上五个年轻狼人的保护，我喘着粗气。不管雅各布怎么安慰我，一想到他靠近维多利亚就让我毛骨悚然，不管雅各布在愤怒时会变身成什么样子，我满脑都是维多利亚可怖的形象，野蛮的脸，似火的发，杀人不眨眼，无人能匹敌..... 但是，雅各布说，劳伦特死了。这是真的吗？爱德华——我下意识地捂住胸口——曾告诉我杀死吸血鬼是件很难办到的事，只有另外一个吸血鬼才有这个能力，可杰克却说狼人生来就是为完成这个使命...... 他说他们会特别留意查理——应该相信狼人能保证我父亲的安全，但是，我怎么可能相信呢？我们每一个人都不安全！特别是雅各布，如果他介入维多利亚和查理之间......介入维多利亚和我之间。 我又感到一阵恶心。 车窗上突然响起急促的敲打声，我吓得尖叫起来——是雅各布，他回来了。我松了口气，用颤抖的手指打开车门。 “你吓坏了，是吗？”他边问边钻进车里。 我点点头。 “别怕。我们会照看好你——还有查理，我发誓。” “让你发现维多利亚比让她发现我更恐怖。”我轻声说。 他笑了起来：“你应该对我们充满信心，别太小瞧我们。” 我摇了摇头，凶狠残暴的吸血鬼我见得太多了。 “你刚才去哪里了？”我问道。 他撅起嘴，什么也不说。 “怎么了，难道是个秘密？” 他皱着眉头：“不是，但是听上去有些不同寻常，我不想吓着你。” “我现在已经习惯了不同寻常的事情。”我想笑但却笑不出来。 雅各布轻松地冲我咧嘴一笑：“我想你也应该习以为常了。好吧，告诉你，我们这些狼人变成狼以后，可以......听见对方。” 我疑惑地皱了皱眉。 “不是指听见对方的声音，”他继续说，“而且.....内心的想法——彼此都能听见——不管我们相隔多远。当我们追踪敌人时，这一点确实帮了不少忙，但在其他时候，它却带来了不少麻烦。有时候真叫人难堪——连一点秘密都藏不住。不同寻常，是吗？” “昨天晚上，你说，虽然你不愿意告诉他们你见过我，但不得不向他们坦白。你当时就是指得这回事，对吗？” “你真聪明。” “谢谢。” “你竟然能够接受这些不同寻常的事情，我以为说出来会让你害怕。” “不会.....其实，你不是我所遇见的第一个有这种特异功能的人，所以我并不觉得奇怪。” “真的吗？等待，你说的不会是那些视血如命的家伙吧？” “我希望你不要这样称呼他们。” 他笑了笑：“好吧，卡伦一家，可以吧？” “不是.....只是爱德华而已。”我假装自然地抬起一只胳膊挡在胸前。 雅各布看上去有些吃惊——面露愠色：“我以为这些只不过是传说而已，我听说有些吸血鬼拥有......特异功能，但我以前以为这些只不过是传说，并非事实。” “如今还有什么传说不是事实呢？”我不太高兴地问他。 他皱了皱眉：“也许没有了吧。好了，我们去以前骑摩托车的地方和山姆还有其他人碰头。” 我发动了小卡车，朝大路上开去。 “你刚才是不是变成一匹狼。为了和山姆说话？”我好奇地问道。雅各布点点头，显得有点尴尬：“我只简短地说了几句——我试着不去想你，这样他们就不知道发生了什么事。不然，山姆不会让我带你一起去。” “他阻止不了我。”我始终没有摆脱坏蛋山姆的印象，一听到他的名字，我还是会感到深恶痛绝。 “但是，他可以阻止我，”雅各布犹豫地说道，“还记得昨晚我说话时的吞吞吐吐吗？还记得我多想实话实说却欲言又止吗？” “记得，你看上去就像被什么东西哽住了喉咙。” 他苦笑了一下：“形容得真贴切。山姆告诉我任何事都不能对你说，他是......群狼之首，是老大。当他告诉我们要做什么事情，或者不能做什么事情——如果他决意已定，那么，我们就必须照做。” “真奇怪。”我咕哝道。 “非常奇怪，”他赞同道，“这就是狼群的习性。” “嗯。”这是我能想到的最好的回答。 “是啊，还有很多类似的规矩——狼群的习性，我仍在学习。我无法想象山姆是如何独自度过难关的。即使有一群狼人陪在我身边，我都无法忍受其中的痛苦。” “山姆是独自一人？” “对，”雅各布压低声音，“第一次......变身的时候，我觉得这是我所经历的最.....恐怖。最可怕的事情——简直超乎我的想象，但我不是孤单一个人——我脑子里有很多声音，它们告诉我发生了什么事、我应该怎么做。正是这样，我才不至于惊慌失措。但是山姆.....” 他摇了摇头，“没有人帮山姆。” 我脑海中对山姆的一贯印象渐渐转变。听着雅各布如此诉说，很难不动恻隐之心。我不断提醒自己，没有理由再继续憎恶山姆。 “我和你一起去，他们不会生气吗？”我问道。 他扮了个鬼脸：“也许会。” “也许我不应该....” “不，没关系，”他向我保证，“你知道许多能够帮助我们的事情，并不像其他人一样一无所知。你像是一个......我不知道应该怎么说，间谍或者什么，你曾经深入敌人内部。” 我紧锁眉头。难道这就是雅各布想从我这里得到的东西？帮助他们战胜敌人的内部消息？我不是间谍，我从没有刻意搜集过他们想要的信息，但是，他的话还是让我感到自己像个叛徒。 可我希望他能消灭维多利亚，不是嘛？ 不是。 我确实希望维多利亚被消灭掉，最好是在她折磨我至死之前，或者撞上查理之前，或者杀害其他无辜者之前被消灭掉，但我不希望雅各布去追踪她、消灭她，我不希望雅各布靠她太近。 “比如吸血鬼也会心灵感应这类事,”他继续说着，没有发现我正在陷入沉思，“这就是我们想要知道的信息。那些传说竟然是事实，真让人沮丧，我们面临的问题更加棘手了。嘿，你认为维多利亚也有特异功能吗？” “我不这么认为，”我想了想，叹了口气，“如果有的话，他应该会提起。” “他？哦，你是说爱德华——哎呀，对不起，我忘了，你不喜欢说起或者听到他的名字。” 我轻轻地揉了揉肚子，尽量不去想胸前的阵痛：“不太喜欢。” “对不起。” “你怎么这么了解我，雅各布？有时候，我觉得你似乎也能读着我的心思。” “不，我只是比较留心而已。” 我们到了雅各布第一次教我骑摩托车的泥路上。 “停在这里？”我问道。 “可以，可以。” 我开到路边，关掉发动机。 “你还是非常不开心，对吗?”他低声问道。 我点了点头，茫然地盯着阴郁的森林。 “你有没有想过.....也许.....现在的生活比从前更好？” 我慢慢地吸了口气，然后缓缓地呼了出来：“没有。” “因为他不是最适合.....” “求你了，雅各布，”我打断了他。轻声地请求道，“我们能不能不谈这个？我受不了。” “好吧，”他深吸了口气，“抱歉我说了不该说的话。” “别自责了。能够找人诉说苦恼、分担心事是再好不过的事情，只是我的情况不同。” 他点点头：“的确如此，向你保守秘密的那两个星期实在不好过。找不到任何人倾诉，就像在地狱里受煎熬一样。” “确实是煎熬。”我赞同道。 雅各布猛吸一口气：“他们来了，我们走吧。” “你确定吗？”他推开车门时我问道，“也许我不应该来这里。” “他们会接受的，”他说道，接着咧嘴一笑，“你是不是害怕这群巨狼？” “哈哈。”我笑了笑。我从车里下来，快速地绕过车头，紧挨在雅各布身边站着。在草地上见到的巨型怪兽的样子至今历历在目。我的双手同之前雅各布的手一样颤抖不停，不同的是，我是因为恐惧而不是愤怒。 杰克握住我的手轻轻地捏着：“我们走吧。”
Chapter 14 Family
I COWERED INTO JACOB'S SIDE, MY EYES SCANNING the forest for the other werewolves.
　　When they appeared, striding out from between the trees, they weren't what I was expecting. I'd gottenthe image of the wolves stuck in my head. These were just four really big half-naked boys.
　　Again, they reminded me of brothers, quadruplets. Something about the way they moved almost insynchronization to stand across the road from us, the way they all had the same long, round musclesunder the same red-brown skin, the same cropped black hair, and the way their expressions altered atexactly the same moment.
　　They started out curious and cautious. When they saw me there, half-hidden beside Jacob, they allbecame furious in the same second.
　　Sam was still the biggest, though Jacob was getting close to catching up with him. Sam didn't really countas a boy. His face was older—not in the sense of lines or signs of aging, but in the matunry, the patienceof his expression.
　　"What have you done, Jacob?" he demanded.
　　One of the others, one I didn't recognize—Jared or Paul—thrust past Sam and spoke before Jacobcould defend himself.
　　"Why can't you just follow the rules, Jacob?" he yelled, throwing his arms in the air. "What the hell areyou thinking? Is she more important than everything—than the whole tribe? Than the people gettingkilled?""She can help," Jacob said quietly.
　　"Help!" the angry boy shouted. His arms begin to quiver. "Oh, that's likely! I'm sure the leech-lover isjust dying to help us out!""Don't talk about her like that!" Jacob shouted back, stung by the boy's criticism.
　　A shudder rippled through the other boy, along his shoulders and down his spine.
　　"Paul! Relax!" Sam commanded.
　　Paul shook his head back and forth, not in defiance, but as though he were trying to concentrate.
　　"Jeez, Paul," one of the other boys—probably Jared—muttered. "Get a grip."Paul twisted his head toward Jared, his lips curling back in irritation. Then he shifted his glare in mydirection. Jacob took a step to put himself in front of me.
　　 That did it.
　　"Right, protect her!" Paul roared in outrage. Another shudder, a convulsion, heaved through his body. Hethrew his head back, a real growl tearing from between his teeth.
　　"Paul!" Sam and Jacob shouted together.
　　Paul seemed to fall forward, vibrating violently. Halfway to the ground, there was a loud ripping noise,and the boy exploded.
　　Dark silver fur blew out from the boy, coalescing into a shape more than five-times his size—a massive,crouched shape, ready to spring.
　　The wolf's muzzle wrinkled back over his teeth, and another growl rolled through his colossal chest. Hisdark, enraged eyes focused on me.
　　In the same second, Jacob was running across the road straight for the monster.
　　"Jacob!" I screamed.
　　Mid-stride, a long tremor shivered down Jacob's spine. He leaped forward, diving headfirst into theempty air.
　　With another sharp tearing sound, Jacob exploded, too. He burst out of his skin—shreds of black andwhite cloth blasted up into the air. It happened so quickly that if I'd blinked, I'd have missed the entiretransformation. One second it was Jacob diving into the air, and then it was the gigantic, russet brownwolf—so enormous that I couldn't make sense of its mass somehow fitting inside Jacob—charging thecrouched silver beast.
　　Jacob met the other werewolf's attack head-on. Their angry snarls echoed like thunder off the trees.
　　The black and white scraps—the remains of Jacob's clothes—fluttered to the ground where he'ddisappeared.
　　"Jacob!" I screamed again, staggering forward.
　　"Stay where you are, Bella," Sam ordered. It was hard to hear him over the roar of the fighting wolves.
　　They were snapping and tearing at each other, their sharp teeth flashing toward each other's throats. TheJacob-wolf seemed to have the upper hand—he was visibly bigger than the other wolf, and it looked likele was stronger, too. He rammed his shoulder against the gray wolf again and again, knocking him backtoward the trees.
　　"Take her to Emily's," Sam shouted toward the other boys, who were watching the conflict with raptexpressions. Jacob had successfully shoved the gray wolf off the road, and they were disappearing intothe forest, though the sound of their snarls was still loud. Sam ran after them, kicking off his shoes on theway. As he darted into the trees, he was quivering from head to toe.
　　The growling and snapping was fading into the distance. Suddenly, the sound cut off and it was very quieton the road.
　　One of the boys started laughing.
　　I turned to stare at him—my wide eyes felt frozen, like I couldn't even blink them.
　　The boy seemed to be laughing at my expression. "Well, there's something you don't see every day," he snickered. His face was vaguely familiar—thinner than the others… Embry Call.
　　"I do," the other boy, Jared, grumbled. "Every single day.""Aw, Paul doesn't lose his temper every day," Embry disagreed, still grinning. "Maybe two out of three."Jared stopped to pick something white up off the ground. He held it up toward Embry; it dangled in limpstrips from his hand.
　　"Totally shredded," Jared said. "Billy said this was the last pair he could afford—guess Jacob's goingbarefoot now.""This one survived," Embry said, holding up a white sneaker. "Jake can hop," he added with a laugh.
　　Jared started collecting various pieces of fabric from the dirt. "Get Sam's shoes, will you? All the rest ofthis is headed for the trash."Embry grabbed the shoes and then jogged into the trees where Sam had disappeared. He was back in afew seconds with a pair of cut-off jeans draped over his arm. Jared gathered the torn remnants ofJacob's and Paul's clothes and wadded them into a ball. Suddenly, he seemed to remember me.
　　He looked at me carefully, assessing.
　　"Hey, you're not going to faint or puke or anything?" he demanded.
　　"I don't think so," I gasped.
　　"You don't look so good. Maybe you should sit down.""Okay," I mumbled. For the second time in one morning, I put my head between my knees.
　　"Jake should have warned us," Embry complained.
　　"He shouldn't have brought his girlfriend into this. What did he expect?""Well, the wolf's out of the bag now." Embry sighed. "Way to go, Jake."I raised my head to glare at the two boys who seemed to be taking this all so lightly. "Aren't you worriedabout them at all?" I demanded.
　　Embry blinked once in surprise "Worried? Why?""They could hurt each other!"Embry and Jared guffawed.
　　"I hope Paul gets a mouthful of him," Jared said. "Teach him a lesson."I blanched.
　　"Yeah, right!" Embry disagreed. "Did you see Jake? Even Sam couldn't have phased on the fly like that.
　　He saw Paul losing it, and it took him, what, half a second to attack? The boy's got a gift.""Paul's been fighting longer. I'll bet you ten bucks he leaves a mark.""You're on. Jake's a natural. Paul doesn't have a prayer." They shook hands, grinning.
　　I tried to comfort myself with their lack of concern, but I couldn't drive the brutal image of the fightingwerewolves from my head. My stomach churned, sore and empty, my head ached with worry.
　　"Let's go see Emily. You know she'll have food waiting." Embry looked down at me. "Mind giving us aride?""No problem," I choked.
　　Jared raised one eyebrow. "Maybe you'd better drive, Embry. She still looks like she might hurl.""Good idea. Where are the keys?" Embry asked me.
　　"Ignition."Embry opened the passenger-side door. "In you go," he said cheerfully, hauling me up from the groundwith one hand and stuffing me into my seat. He appraised the available space. "You'll have to ride in theback," he told Jared.
　　"That's fine. I got a weak stomach. I don't want to be in there when she blows.""I bet she's tougher than that. She runs with vampires.""Five bucks?" Jared asked.
　　"Done. I feel guilty, taking your money like this."Embry got in and started the engine while Jared leapt agilely into the bed. As soon as his door wasclosed, Embry muttered to me, "Don't throw up, okay? I've only got a ten, and if Paul got his teeth intoJacob…""Okay," I whispered.
　　Embry drove us back toward the village.
　　"Hey, how did Jake get around the injunction anyway?""The… what?""Er, the order. You know, to not spill the beans. How did he tell you about this?""Oh, that," I said, remembering Jacob trying to choke out the truth to me last night. "He didn't. I guessedright."Embry pursed his lips, looking surprised. "Hmm. S'pose that would work.""Where are we going?" I asked.
　　"Emily's house. She's Sam's girlfriend… no, fiancee, now, I guess. They'll meet us back there after Samgives it to them for what just happened. And after Paul and Jake scrounge up some new clothes, if Pauleven has any left.""Does Emily know about… ?""Yeah. And hey, don't stare at her. That bugs Sam." I frowned at him. "Why would I stare?"Embry looked uncomfortable. "Like you saw just now, hanging out around werewolves has its risks." Hechanged the subject quickly. "Hey, are you okay about the whole thing with the black-hairedbloodsucker in the meadow? It didn't look like he was a friend of yours, but. ." Embry shrugged.
　　"No, he wasn't my friend.""That's good. We didn't want to start anything, break the treaty, you know.""Oh, yeah, Jake told me about the treaty once, a long time ago. Why would killing Laurent break thetreaty?""Laurent," he repeated, snorting, like he was amused the vampire had had a name. "Well, we weretechnically on Cullen turf. We're not allowed to attack any of them, the Cullens, at least, off ourland—unless they break the treaty first. We didn't know if the black-haired one was a relative of theirs orsomething. Looked like you knew him.""How would they go about breaking the treaty?""If they bite a human. Jake wasn't so keen on the idea of letting it go that far.""Oh. Um, thanks. I'm glad you didn't wait.""Our pleasure." He sounded like he meant that in a literal sense.
　　Embry drove past the easternmost house on the highway before turning off onto a narrow dirt road.
　　"Your truck is slow," he noted.
　　"Sorry."At the end of the lane was a tiny house that had once been gray. There was only one narrow windowbeside the weathered blue door, but the window box under it was filled with bright orange and yellowmarigolds, giving the whole place a cheerful look.
　　Embry opened the truck door and inhaled. "Mmm, Emily's cooking."Jared jumped out of the back of the truck and headed for the door, but Embry stopped him with onehand on his chest. He looked at me meaningfully, and cleared his throat.
　　"I don't have my wallet on me," Jared said.
　　"That's okay. I won't forget."They climbed up the one step and entered the house without knocking. I followed timidly after them.
　　The front room, like Billy's house, was mostly kitchen. A young woman with satiny copper skin and long,straight, crow-black hair was standing at the counter by the sink, popping big muffins out of a tin andplacing them on a paper plate. For one second, I thought the reason Embry had told me not to stare wasbecause the girl was so beautiful.
　　And then she asked "You guys hungry?" in a melodic voice, and she turned to face us full on, a smile onhalf of her face.
　　The right side of her face was scarred from hairline to chin by three thick, red lines, livid in color though they were long healed. One line pulled down the corner of her dark, almond-shaped right eye, anothertwisted the right side of her mouth into a permanent grimace.
　　Thankful for Embry's warning, I quickly turned my eyes to the muffins in her hands. They smelledwonderful—like fresh blueberries.
　　"Oh," Emily said, surprised. "Who's this?"I looked up, trying to focus on the left half of her face.
　　"Bella Swan," Jared told her, shrugging. Apparently, I'd been a topic of conversation before. "Who else?""Leave it to Jacob to find a way around," Emily murmured. She stared at me, and neither half of heronce-beautiful face was friendly. "So, you're the vampire girl."I stiffened. "Yes. Are you the wolf girl?"She laughed, as did Embry and Jared. The left half of her face warmed. "I guess I am." She turned toJared. "Where's Sam?""Bella, er, surprised Paul this morning."Emily rolled her good eye. "Ah, Paul," she sighed. "Do you think they'll be long? I was just about to startthe eggs.""Don't worry," Embry told her. "If they're late, we won't let anything go to waste."Emily chuckled, and then opened the refrigerator. "No doubt," she agreed. "Bella, are you hungry? Goahead and help yourself to a muffin.""Thanks." I took one from the plate and started nibbling around the edges. It was delicious, and it feltgood in my tender stomach. Embry picked up his third and shoved it into his mouth whole.
　　"Save some for your brothers," Emily chastised him, hitting him on the head with a wooden spoon. Theword surprised me, but the others thought nothing of it.
　　"Pig," Jared commented.
　　I leaned against the counter and watched the three of them banter like a family. Emily's kitchen was afriendly place, bright with white cupboards and pale wooden floorboards. On the little round table, acracked blue-and-white china pitcher was overflowing with wildflowers. Embry and Jared seemedentirely at ease here.
　　Emily was mixing a humongous batch of eggs, several dozen, in a big yellow bowl. She had the sleeves ofher lavender shirt pushed up, and I could see that the scars extended all the way down her arm to theback of her right hand. Hanging out with werewolves truly did have its risks, just as Embry had said.
　　The front door opened, and Sam stepped through.
　　"Emily," he said, and so much love saturated his voice that I felt embarrassed, intrusive, as I watched himcross the room in one stride and take her face in his wide hands. He leaned down and kissed the darkscars on her right cheek before he kissed her lips.
　　"Hey, none of that," Jared complained. "I'm eating." "Then shut up and eat," Sam suggested, kissing Emily's ruined mouth again.
　　"Ugh," Embry groaned.
　　This was worse than any romantic movie; this was so real that it sang out loud with joy and life and truelove. I put my muffin down and folded my arms across my empty chest. I stared at the flowers, trying toignore the utter peace of their moment, and the wretched throbbing of my wounds.
　　I was grateful for the distraction when Jacob and Paul came through the door, and then shocked when Isaw that they were laughing. While I watched, Paul punched Jacob on the shoulder and Jacob went for akidney jab in return. They laughed again. They both appeared to be in one piece.
　　Jacob scanned the room, his eyes stopping when he found me leaning, awkward and out of place, againstthe counter in the far corner of the kitchen.
　　"Hey, Bells," he greeted me cheerfully. He grabbed two muffins as he passed the table and came to standbeside me. "Sorry about before," he muttered under his breath. "How are you holding up.'""Don't worry, I'm okay. Good muffins." I picked mine back up and started nibbhrg again. My chest feltbetter as soon as Jacob was beside me.
　　"Oh, man!" Jared wailed, interrupting us.
　　I looked up, and he and Embry were examining a fading pink line on Paul's forearm. Embry was grinning,exultant.
　　"Fifteen dollars," he crowed.
　　"Did you do that?" I whispered to Jacob, remembering the bet.
　　"I barely touched him. He'll be perfect by sundown.""By sundown?" I looked at the line on Paul's arm. Odd, but it looked weeks old.
　　"Wolf thing," Jacob whispered.
　　I nodded, trying to not look weirded out.
　　"You okay?" I asked him under my breath.
　　"Not a scratch on me." His expression was smug.
　　"Hey, guys," Sam said in a loud voice, interrupting all the conversations going on in the small room. Emilywas at the stove, scraping the egg mixture around a big skillet, but Sam still had one hand touching thesmall of her back, an unconscious gesture. "Jacob has information for us."Paul looked unsurprised. Jacob must have explained this to him and Sam already. Or… they'd just heardhis thoughts.
　　"I know what the redhead wants." Jacob directed his words toward Jared and Embry. "That's what Iwas trying to tell you before." He kicked the leg of the chair Paul had settled into.
　　"And?" Jared asked.
　　Jacob's face got serious. "She is trying to avenge her mate—only it wasn't the black-haired leech we killed. The Cullens got her mate last year, and she's after Bella now."This wasn't news to me, but I still shivered.
　　Jared, Embry, and Emily stared at me with open-mouthed surprise.
　　"She's just a girl," Embry protested.
　　"I didn't say it made sense. But that's why the bloodsucker's been trying to get past us. She's beenheading for Forks."They continued to stare at me, mouths still hanging open, for a long moment. I ducked my head.
　　"Excellent," Jared finally said, a smile beginning to pull up the corners of his mouth. "We've got bait."With stunning speed, Jacob yanked a can opener from the counter and launched it at Jared's head.
　　Jared's hand flicked up faster than I would have thought possible, and he snagged the tool just before ithit his face.
　　"Bellais not bait.""You know what I mean," Jared said, unabashed.
　　"So we'll be changing oar patterns," Sam said, ignoring their squabble. "We'll try leaving a few holes, andsee if she falls for it. We'll have to split up, and I don't like that. But if she's really after Bella, sheprobably won't try to take advantage of our divided numbers.""Quit's got to be close to joining us," Embry murmured. "Then we'll be able to split evenly."Everyone looked down. I glanced at Jacob's face, and it was hopeless, like it had been yesterdayafternoon, outside his house. No matter how comfortable they seemed to be with their fate, here in thishappy kitchen, none of these werewolves wanted the same fate for their friend.
　　"Well, we won't count on that," Sam said in a low voice, and then continued at his regular volume. "Paul,Jared, and Embry will take the outer perimeter, and Jacob and I will take the inner. We'll collapse inwhen we've got her trapped."I noticed that Emily didn't particularly like that Sam would be in the smaller grouping. Her worry had meglancing up at Jacob, worrying, too.
　　Sam caught my eye. "Jacob thinks it would be best if you spent as much time as possible here in La Push.
　　She won't know where to find you so easily, just in case.""What about Charlie?" I demanded.
　　"March Madness is still going," Jacob said. "I think Billy and Harry can manage to keep Charlie downhere when he's not at work.""Wait," Sam said, holding one hand up. His glance flickered to Emily and then back to me. "That's whatJacob thinks is best, but you need to decide for yourself. You should weigh the risks of both options veryseriously. You saw this morning how easily things can get dangerous here, how quickly they get out ofhand. If you choose to stay with us, I can't make any guarantees about your safety.""I won't hurt her," Jacob mumbled, looking down.
　　 Sam acted as if he hadn't heard him speak. "If there was somewhere else you felt safe…"I bit my lip. Where could I go that wouldn't put someone else in danger? I recoiled again from the idea ofbringing Renee into this—pulling her into the circle of the target I wore… "I don't want to lead Victoriaanywhere else," I whispered.
　　Sam nodded. "That's true. It's better to have her here, where we can end this."I flinched. I didn't want Jacob or any of the rest of them trying to end Victoria. I glanced at Jake's face; itwas relaxed, almost the same as I remembered it from before the onset of the wolf thing, and utterlyunconcerned by the idea of hunting vampires.
　　"You'll be careful, right?" I asked, an audible lump in my throat.
　　The boys burst into loud hoots of amusement. Everyone laughed at me—except Emily. She met my eyes,and I could suddenly see the symmetry underlying her deformity. Her face was still beautiful, and alivewith a concern even more fierce than mine. I had to look away, before the love behind that concerncould start me aching again.
　　"Food's ready," she announced then, and the strategic conversation was history. The guys hurried tosurround the table—which looked tiny and in danger of being crushed by them—and devoured thebuffet-sized pan of eggs Emily placed in their midst in record time. Emily ate leaning against the counterlike me—avoiding the bedlam at the table—and watched them with affectionate eyes. Her expressionclearly stated that this was her family.
　　All in all, it wasn't exactly what I'd been expecting from a pack of werewolves.
　　I spent the day in La Push, the majority of it in Billy's house. He left a message on Charlie's phone and atthe station, and Charlie showed up around dinnertime with two pizzas. It was good he brought twolarges; Jacob ate one all by himself.
　　I saw Charlie eyeing the two of us suspiciously all night, especially the much-changed Jacob. He askedabout the hair; Jacob shrugged and told him it was just more convenient.
　　I knew that as soon as Charlie and I were headed home, Jacob would take off—off to run around as awolf, as he had done intermittently through the entire day. He and his brothers of sorts kept up a constantwatch, looking for some sign of Victoria's return. But since they'd chased her away from the hot springslast night—chased her halfway to Canada, according to Jacob—she'd yet to make another foray.
　　I had no hope at all that she might just give up. I didn't have that kind of luck.
　　Jacob walked me to my truck after dinner and lingered by the window, waiting for Charlie to drive awayfirst.
　　"Don't be afraid tonight," Jacob said, while Charlie pretended to be having trouble with his seat belt.
　　"We'll be out there, watching.""I won't worry about myself," I promised.
　　"You're silly. Hunting vampires is fun. It's the best part of this whole mess."I shook my head. "If I'm silly, then you're dangerously unbalanced."He chuckled. "Get some rest, Bella, honey. You look exhausted." "I'lltry."Charlie honked his horn impatiently.
　　"See you tomorrow," Jacob said. "Come down first thing.""Iwill."Charlie followed me home. I paid scant attention to the lights in my rearview mirror. Instead, I wonderedwhere Sam and Jared and Embry and Paul were, out running in the night. I wondered if Jacob had joinedthem yet.
　　When we got home, I hurried for the stairs, but Charlie was right behind me.
　　"What's going on, Bella?" he demanded before I could escape. "I thought Jacob was part of a gang andyou two were fighting.""We made up.""And the gang?""I don't know—who can understand teenage boys? They're a mystery. But I met Sam Uley and hisfiancee, Emily. The seemed pretty nice to me." I shrugged. "Must have all been a misunderstanding."His face changed. "I hadn't heard that he and Emily had made it official. That's nice. Poor girl.""Do you know what happened to her?""Mauled by a bear, up north, during salmon spawning season—horrible accident It was more than a yearago now. I heard Sam was really messed up over it.""That's horrible," I echoed. More than a year ago. I'd bet that meant it had happened when there was justone werewolf in La Push. I shuddered at the thought of how Sam must have felt every time he looked atEmily's face.
　　That night, I lay awake for a long time trying to sort through the day. I worked my way backwardthrough dinner with Billy, Jacob, and C harlie, to the long afternoon in the Blacks' house, waitinganxiously to hear something from Jacob, to Emily's kitchen, to the horror of the werewolf fight, to talkingwith Jacob on the beach.
　　I thought about what Jacob had said early this morning, about hypocrisy. I thought about that for a longtime. I didn't like to think that I was a hypocrite, only what was the point of lying to myself?
　　I curled into a tight ball. No, Edward wasn't a killer. Even in his darker past, he'd never been a murdererof innocents, at least.
　　But what if he had been? What if, during the time I that I'd known him, he'd been just like any othervampire? What if people had been disappearing from the woods, just like now? Would that have keptme away from him?
　　I shook my head sadly. Love is irrational, I reminded myself. The more you loved someone, the lesssense anything made.
　　I rolled over and tried to think of something else—and I thought of Jacob and his brothers, out running inthe darkness. I fell asleep imagining the wolves, invisible in the night, guarding me from danger. When I dreamed, I stood in the forest again, but I didn't wander. I was holding Emily's scarred hand as we facedinto the shadows and waited anxiously for our werewolves to come home.14  家庭 
 
我缩在雅各布身后，目不转睛地盯着森林，等待其他狼人出现。 当他们从树丛中大步走出来的时候，并不是我想象中的样子。巨狼的形象深深刻在我的脑海中，而眼前只是四个身材高大，上身赤裸的男孩儿。 我又一次联想的四胞胎兄弟。他们步伐整齐地走出森林，站在路的另一边。清一色的红棕色皮肤下是一块块结实的肌肉，黑色的头发剪得短短的，就连脸上的表情也如出一辙。 他们行动时小心翼翼，一看到躲在雅各布身后的我，他们一下子全都变的怒气冲冲。 山姆仍是他们中最魁梧的一个，尽管雅各布就快要和他差不多了。山姆其实不算是男孩儿，他看上去更成熟——倒不是指他脸上刻有岁月的痕迹，而是他的神色中带有几分稳重和镇静。 “你都做了什么，雅各布？”他质问道。 其中一个人我没认出是谁——杰瑞德或者保罗——从山姆身边冒出来，没等雅各布开口解释就嚷了起来。 “你为什么不守规矩，雅各布？”他喊道，抬起双臂举到空中，“你到底怎么想的？难道她比一切都重要——比整个部族都重要吗？ 比那些无辜的死者更重要吗？” “她能帮助我们。”雅各布平静地说。 “帮助我们！”愤慨的男孩儿叫道，他的臂膀有些颤抖，“噢，太对了！我相信吸血鬼的情人宁死都要帮助我们！” “不许你这样说他！”雅各布被他的话激怒，也大声叫了起来。 那男孩儿像被电击中了一样，从肩膀顺着脊柱浑身抖动。“保罗！放松！”山姆命令道。 保罗不停地摇着头，不是反抗山姆的命令，而是在努力使自己集中精神。 “天哪，保罗，”另一个男孩儿——好像是杰瑞德——嘟哝道，“管好你自己。” 保罗朝杰瑞德扭过头去，愤怒地咬着嘴唇，接着，他又把视线转回到我这边。雅各布向前走了一步，挡在我身前。 战争终于爆发了。 “好啊，你护着她！！”保罗狂吼道，身子跟着一颤，像痉挛一样抽搐着。他仰着头，对着天空一声长啸。 “保罗！”山姆和雅各布同时叫道。 保罗像是要扑倒在地，身体剧烈地颤动，快要着地的时候，传来响亮的爆裂声，他变身了。 银灰色的软毛从他的身上冒出来，他的体形一下子比刚才增大了五倍多——变成了一个巨大的蹲伏着的形状，似乎正准备一跃而起。 他的牙齿外面长出了狼的嘴鼻，又一声长啸从宽大的胸膛里咆哮而出，那双黑色的杀气腾腾的眼睛死死地盯着我。 就在这时，雅各布向道路另一边的怪兽狂奔过去。 “雅各布！”我尖叫出来。 雅各布浑身颤抖，他迅速地朝前跃起，头朝下俯冲过去。 又传来了一声刺耳的爆裂，雅各布也变身了。他的皮肤一寸寸裂开——黑色和白色的衣服碎片散落在空中。他的转变太快了，似乎我眨眨眼就会错过这一切。前一秒钟他还是奔跑着的雅各布，现在却变成了一匹巨大的红棕色的狼——我实在搞不清雅各布的身体里怎么可能容下这样一个庞然大物——他和那匹蹲伏着的灰狼相互对峙。 雅各布正面迎击另一个狼人的进攻，他们凶狠的嚎叫似雷鸣一样在森林里回荡。 黑色和白色的碎片——雅各布的撑破的衣服——飘落在他变身时的那块地上。 “雅各布！“我又尖声叫着，琅琅牡?白呷ァ?“站在那儿别动，贝拉。”山姆命令道。在两只狼的搏斗下，我几乎听不清他在说什么。他们互相咬扯，锋利的牙齿直冲对方的颈项咬去。雅各布变成的那只狼似乎占了上风——他比起另一只狼来更高大，看上去也更壮实。他不断用肩胛猛撞那只灰狼，想把对手撞进森林里。 “带她去艾米丽那儿。”山姆朝另两个男孩儿叫道，他们正出神地看着眼前的搏斗。雅各布成功地将灰狼推进森林，他们消失在树丛之中，但愤怒的咆哮声依然清晰。山姆踢掉脚上的鞋，跟着他们跑了进去。奔入树林的那一刻，他从头到脚都在颤抖。 咆哮和咬扯的声音逐渐远去，突然，所有杂声戛然而止，路上又恢复了平静。 一个男孩儿笑了起来。 我回过头盯着他——我的眼睛瞪得圆圆的，一下都不敢眨。 他好像是因为我脸上的表情发笑。“瞧瞧，这可不是你每天都能看到的好戏。”他傻笑着。他的脸有些熟悉——比其他人更瘦削.....恩布里·卡勒。 “我能，”另一个男孩儿杰瑞德说道，“每天都能看到。” “哦，保罗可不是每天都会发脾气，”恩布里笑着表示反对，“也许隔三差五吧。” 杰瑞德从地上捡起一块白色的东西，递到恩布里面前，那东西从他手上软塌塌地悬吊下来。 “完全撑破了，”杰瑞德说，“比利说过他再也买不起新鞋——看来雅各布从此要光着脚了。” “这里还幸存一只，”恩布里说道，捡起一只白色帆布运动鞋，“杰克可以单脚跳着走路。”他边笑边补充道。 杰瑞德收拾着散落在地上的碎布：“拿上山姆的鞋，好吗？剩下的这些都扔进垃圾箱。” 恩布里抓起鞋子，一路小跑进了森林，山姆刚才就是在那一带消失的。过了一会儿，他跑了出来，手臂上搭着一条运动牛仔裤。杰瑞德拾起雅各布和保罗的碎衣服，把它们揉成了团。突然间，他似乎意识到我还站在一旁。 他仔细打量着我。 “嘿，你不会昏倒或者呕吐吧？”他问道。 “我想不会。”我喘着粗气。 “你好像不大舒服，也许你应该坐下来。” “好的。”我有气无力地说道。这是我今天上午第二次把头放在两个膝盖之间。 “杰克应该提前跟我们说一声。”恩布里抱怨道。 “他不应该把女朋友牵扯进来，他想做什么呢？” “咳，狼人的秘密被泄露了，”恩布里叹了口气，“你干的好事，杰克。” 我抬起头盯着这两个男孩儿，他们似乎对刚才发生的一切漠不关心，“你们难道不担心他们吗？”我问道。 恩布里惊奇地眨了眨眼：“担心？为什么？” “他们会伤害到对方！” 恩布里和杰瑞德哄然大笑。 “我希望恩布里咬他一口，”杰瑞德说，“给他点教训。” 我吓得脸色发白。 “那可不一定！”恩布里反对道，“你刚才没看见吗？就连山姆那不可能像杰克那样飞跃起来。他看出保罗必败无疑，还击不过是一瞬间的事情，不是吗？他有天赋。” “可是保罗经验更丰富，我和你赌十美元，保罗赢。” “就这么定了。杰克是个天才，保罗一点希望也没有。” 他们握了握手，怪笑着。 我想借他们轻松的谈话安慰自己，但是狼人搏斗时的残忍场面始终缠绕在我心头，空荡荡的胃和昏沉沉的脑袋都疼得厉害。 “我们去艾米丽那儿吧，她肯定做了好吃的东西。”恩布里低头看着我，“不介意开车过去吧？” “没问题。”我慢吞吞地说。 杰瑞德翘起一边的眉毛，“还是你来开车吧，恩布里。她看上去像是要吐的样子。” “好主意，钥匙在哪里？”恩布里问我。 “在点火开关上。” 恩布里拉开靠近副驾驶座位的车门。“进去吧。”他愉快地说道，一只手把我从地上拉起来，塞进车里。他看了看车里剩下的空间，“你得坐在后面的拖车板上了。”他对杰瑞德说道。 “没关系。我可不想坐在前面看着她吐，我会受不了的。” “我赌她不会吐，她可是和吸血鬼待在一起的人。” “五美元？”杰瑞德问道。 “一言为定。就要拿走你的钱了，我深感惭愧。” 恩布里上了车，发动引擎，杰瑞德也敏捷地跳上拖车板。刚关上车门，恩布里就悄声对我说：“别吐，好吗？我刚赌了十美金，如果保罗真的咬了雅各布.....” “好的。”我轻声地回答。 恩布里带着我们朝村庄开去。 “嘿，杰克为什么会违背禁令呢？” “什么.....令？” “恩，禁令，就是，不能散播我们的秘密。他怎么会对你说起呢？” “哦，原来是这件事，”我说道，想起来雅各布昨晚欲言又止，吞吞吐吐地模样，“他没有泄密，是我自己猜到的。” 恩布里撅起嘴，看上去有点儿吃惊：“恩，似乎有道理。” “我们现在去哪儿？”我问道。 “艾米丽家，他是山姆的女朋友....不，现在应该是未婚妻了。等山姆解决好那两个小子的问题，等保罗和杰克找到新衣服穿上，如果保罗那家伙还有新衣服的话，他们会到艾米丽家同我们会合。” “艾米丽知不知道.....” “知道，对了，别盯着她看，山姆会不高兴的。” 我朝他皱了皱眉：“我为什么要盯着她看？” 恩布里显得有些心神不宁：“你刚才也看到了，和狼人待在一起是非常危险的。”他很快转换了话题，“嘿，你不会在意我们把草地上那个黑发吸血鬼除掉吧？他看上去不像是你的朋友，但是.....”恩布里耸了耸肩。 “不是，他不是我的朋友。” “那太好了。我们不想惹任何麻烦，不想违反条约。” “哦，是的，杰克很早以前向我提起过条约这回事，为什么杀死劳伦特就违反了条约呢？” “劳伦特，”他哼着鼻子重复道，好像觉得吸血鬼也有名字是件好玩的事，“我们杀死他的时候其实是在卡伦家的地盘上。我们不可以在不属于自己的地盘上攻击别人，至少不能攻击卡伦一家——除非是他们首先违反条约。我们不知道那个黑发吸血鬼是不是他们家的亲戚或者别的什么。你好像认识他。” “那他们怎么做算是违反了条约呢？” “如果他们伤害了人类，就违反了条约，杰克可没那份耐心等着他先违约。” “哦。谢谢，幸亏你们没有多等。” “不用谢。”他略带自豪地说道。 恩布里开过大陆最东面的房子，转弯绕进一条狭窄的泥路。“你的卡车真慢。”他说道。 “抱歉。” 泥路的尽头是一所小房子，房屋上灰色的油漆几乎脱落殆尽。褪了色的蓝色大门旁有一扇窄窄的窗户，窗台下种了一排鲜艳的橘黄色金盏花，花给这个地方添了些明亮的色彩。 恩布里推开车门，深深吸了口气：“恩，艾米丽在做饭。” 杰瑞德跳下车，朝大门走去。恩布里用一只手拦在他胸前，意味深长地看着我，清了清嗓子。 “我没带钱包。”杰瑞德说道。 “没关系，我不会忘记的。” 他们跨上门口的一层台阶，没有敲门就走了进去，我怯生生地跟在他们后面。 这房子和比利家的差不多，客厅几乎是当厨房用。一个年轻女子站在水槽旁的餐桌边，取出罐子里松饼，把它们一个个摆在纸盘子上。她的铜色的皮肤光滑细腻，乌黑的长发柔顺自然。我顿时明白了恩布里为什么不让我盯着她看，因为这个女孩儿实在太漂亮了。 “你们饿了吗？”她的声音温柔动人。她转过身正对着我们，只有左边的脸蛋上挂着笑容。 右边的脸蛋上，从前额到下巴，有三道深深的红色疤痕。尽管伤口早已愈合，印记看上去还是很刺眼。其中一道伤痕从她那杏仁般的黑色眼睛边划下来，另一道扯住右边的嘴角，使她的右脸永远都是一副苦相。 好在有恩布里事先的警告，我赶紧把目光转移到她手中的松饼上。松饼的问道闻上去棒极了——就像是新鲜草莓的香味。 “噢，”艾米丽吃惊地问，“这位是谁？” 我看着她，尽量把视线集中在她左边脸蛋上。 “贝拉·斯旺，”杰瑞德告诉她，耸了耸肩。很显然，他们曾经谈论过我，“还能有谁？” “一定是雅各布泄露了秘密。”艾米丽自言自语道。她盯着我，曾经楚楚动人的脸上没有丝毫友善，“那么，你是那个吸血鬼女孩儿。” 我直起身子：“是的，你是巨狼女孩儿吗？” 她笑了起来，恩布里和杰瑞德也笑了。她的左脸蛋看上去友好了许多。“我想我是的。”她转过身对着杰瑞德，“山姆呢？” “贝拉，恩，刚才让保罗受惊了。” 艾米丽转了转她那双漂亮的眼睛。“啊，保罗，”她叹了口气，“你觉得他们还要都久才回来？我真准备煎鸡蛋。” “别担心，”恩布里安慰她，“如果他们赶不上吃饭，我们也不会浪费任何粮食。” 艾米丽咯咯笑着，打开了冰箱。“毫无疑问,”她赞同道，“贝拉，你饿了吗？去吃点松饼吧。” “谢谢。”我从纸盘子上拿起一块松饼，一点点地吃起来。松饼的味道好极了，我那虚弱的胃立马恢复了元气。恩布里一口气吃掉了两个松饼，他又拿起了一个，整个吞了下去。 “给你的兄弟们留一些。”艾米丽责怪道，她用木勺把儿敲了一下他的脑袋。她的话让我有些惊讶，但其他人都不以为然。 "真是头猪。”杰德瑞责骂道。 我靠在餐桌边，看着他们三个人像一家人一样互相逗弄。艾米丽的厨房很温馨，白色的橱柜和浅色的地板将这个地方映衬得亮堂堂。 小小的圆桌上摆着一个带裂纹的蓝白相间的的瓷水罐，罐子里插满了五颜六色的野花，恩布里和杰瑞德在这里显得特别自在。 艾米丽将好几打鸡蛋在一个黄色的大碗里捣碎。她卷起淡紫色衬衣的袖子，我这才看到那几道伤痕一直从她的胳膊延伸到她的右手手背上。和狼人待在一起是非常危险的，恩布里说的太对了。 大门打开了，山姆走了进来。 “艾米丽，”她唤道，声音里满是浓浓的爱意我看着他大步穿过客厅，用宽厚的手掌捧起了她的脸，我感到有些尴尬，觉得自己似乎打扰到他们的二人世界。他弯下身子，亲吻了她右脸上的伤痕，又吻了吻她的唇。 “嘿，别这样，”杰瑞德抱怨道，“我在吃东西呢。” “那就闭上嘴好好吃。”山姆回应道，又吻了吻艾米丽受伤的嘴唇。 “诶哟。”恩布里叫道。 这一切比任何爱情电影里的情节都完美，它是如此真实，充满了快乐、生命和真爱。我放下手中的松饼，在胸前抱着双臂。我盯着桌子上的野花，不去在意他们正在享受的安宁，也不去理会胸口难忍的疼痛。 我很庆幸雅各布和保罗走了进来分散了我的注意力，让我震惊的是他们俩竟然有说有笑。我看到保罗朝雅各布的肩上打了一拳，雅各布朝他腰上回击了一拳，两人开心的笑起来，好像什么事也没发生过。 雅各布将屋里扫视了一番，他的视线停在我身上。我笨拙地靠在厨房一角的餐桌边，同周围的气氛格格不入。 “嘿，贝尔，”他很高兴地向我打招呼，从桌上抓起两个松饼，走到我的身边，“刚才真抱歉，”他轻声地说，“你还好吧？” “别担心，我很好，这松饼的味道不错。”我拿起我的那块松饼，又一点点地咬起来。有雅各布在身边，我的胸口不再那么痛。 “噢，天哪！”杰瑞德喊了起来，打断了我们的谈话。 我朝他那边看去，他和恩布里正在察看保罗前臂上的一道红印。恩布里得意扬扬地笑了起来。 “十五美元。”他欢叫道。 “是你干的吗？”我低声地问雅各布，记起了恩布里和杰瑞德的赌注。 “只是轻轻地碰了他一下，日落时伤口就会愈合。” “日落时？”我看着保罗的手臂。奇怪的是，这伤口似乎已经好得差不多了。 “这也是狼群的特性。”雅各布低语道。 我点点头，尽量不让自己显出大惊小怪的样子。 “你没事吧？”我轻声地问他。 “一点上也没有。”他得意地答道。 “嘿，小伙子们，”山姆高声喊道，打断了屋子里所有人的谈话。 艾米丽站在炉子旁，将捣碎的鸡蛋倒在平底锅里，山姆的一只手自然地抚摸着她的后背，“雅各布有事情对我们说。” 保罗看上去一点儿也不吃惊。雅各布肯定已经对他和山姆解释过了，或者.....他们听到了雅各布内心的想法。 “我知道那个红头发的家伙想要什么。”雅各布冲着杰瑞德和恩布里说道，“这正是我刚才想要告诉你们的事情。”他踢了踢保罗坐着的椅子。 “什么事？”杰瑞德问道。 雅各布的脸色变得十分严肃：“她正想法设法替他的爱人报仇——但不是我们杀死的那个黑发吸血鬼。去年，卡伦一家除掉了她的爱人，所以他现在想要的是贝拉。” 这对我来的说已经不是什么新鲜事了，但我还是忍不住一阵颤抖。 杰瑞德、恩布里和艾米丽张大了嘴巴，惊讶地盯着我。 “她只是个小女孩儿。”恩布里抗议道。 “我知道有些不可理喻，但这正是那个吸血鬼不断避开我们的原因，她的目的是福克斯。” 他们张大嘴巴盯着我看了好久，我低下了头。 “太好了，”杰瑞德终于开口说话，嘴角渐渐露出一丝笑容，“我们现在有诱饵了。” 雅各布极其迅速地拿起餐桌上的开罐器，朝杰瑞德扔过去。杰瑞德的反应速度简直超乎我的想象，他抬起手，在开罐器快要打到他脸上的那一刻一把抓住了它。 “贝拉不是诱饵。” “你知道我是什么意思。”杰瑞德镇定地说。 “所以我们得改变方式，”山姆没有理睬他们的争吵，“我们可以在地上挖些陷阱，也许她会掉进去。我们不得不分头行动，虽然我不太喜欢这个主意。但是，如果她的真正目标是贝拉，她也许不会趁机袭击我们。” “奎尔就快要加入我们了，”恩布里低声说，“这样我们就能均分成两队。” 所有人都低下了头。我憋了一眼雅各布，他的脸上露出绝望的神情，就跟昨天在他家门口时一个样。在幸福、融洽的厨房里，这群狼人乐观、豁达地接受命运的安排，但是无论如何，他们都不希望自己的朋友也变成狼人。 “算了，我们先不要这样想。”山姆压低嗓门说道，接着，他又恢复了平常的声音，“保罗、杰瑞德的恩布里负责外围防守，雅各布和我负责内线。如果她落入陷阱，我们就马上回合。” 我注意到艾米丽不太愿意山姆待在更加危险的内线，她担心的样子让我也着急地朝雅各布看了一眼。 山姆发现了我的不安：“雅各布认为你最好大部分时间都待在拉普西。虽然她不会这么容易就找到你，但我们得做好防范，以防万一。” “查理怎么办？”我问道。 “森林里的疯狂搜捕仍在继续，”雅各布说道，“我想比利和哈利有办法让查理下班后待在我们这里。” “等待？”山姆抬起一只手，他看了看艾米丽又看看我，“这是雅各布认为最好的办法，但是你必须自己做决定，你应该认真地衡量两种选择的危险性。你上午也看到了，待在这里也很危险，他们很容易就失去控制。如果你选择和我们在一起，我不能保证你百分之百安全。” “我不会伤害她。”雅各布嘟哝道，他埋下脑袋。 山姆就好像没听见他说的话：“如果你觉得有其他更安全的地方.....” 我咬着嘴唇。我去哪里才不会是任何人卷入危险之中呢？一想到蕾妮会牵扯进来，我就打了个冷战——把她拽进我所在的目标圈内.....“我不想把维多利亚引到其他任何地方。”我轻声说。 山姆点点头：“的确如此，最好让她待在这里，我们就地了结。” 我又被吓得一阵颤抖。我不希望雅各布或者他们中的任何一个去同维多利亚作了结！我看了一眼杰克，他一脸轻松的样子，似乎又回到了那个变成狼人之前的雅各布，他对于追捕吸血鬼一点也不担心、不害怕。 “你会小心的，对吗？”我声音哽咽地问道。 这群男孩儿哄堂大笑，每个人都在笑我——除了艾米丽。她和我四目相对，我突然看到她毁容的那半儿脸的真实面貌。她的脸是那么美，脸上流露出的不安和焦虑甚至比我更强烈。我逼自己移开视线，因为那种不安和焦虑所掩盖的爱意已经让我的伤口隐隐作痛。 “开饭啦。”她叫了一声，关于作战方案的讨论就此打住。男孩儿们都快速地围坐在餐桌边——餐桌显得太小了，似乎要被他们压垮——大口地吃着艾米丽放在他们中间的一大锅煎蛋。艾米丽和我靠在炉台边上吃——避开餐桌上的混战——她神情地看着他们，那表情分明在说这些男孩儿就是她的家人。 总的说来，我从没料想过狼人的生活是这个样子的。 我在拉普西待了一天，大部分时间是在比利家。他给查理的电话和警局留言，查理在晚饭时间带来了两个比萨饼，幸好他买的是尺寸最大的比萨饼，雅各布一个人就吃下了一个。 查理整晚都在用怀疑的眼光看着我们俩，特别是变化明显的雅各布。他问了问头发的事，雅各布耸了耸肩，告诉他这种发型更易于打理。 我知道我和查理一回家，雅各布就会开始行动——变成一匹狼，在周围奔跑，他在白天偶尔也会这样。他和他的兄弟们毫不松懈的监视四周的动静，寻找维多利亚的蛛丝马迹。昨天晚上，他们已经把她赶出了温泉区——雅各布说把她赶往了加拿大——她还没开始新一轮的突然袭击。 我根本就不指望她打消进攻的念头，我没这么好运。 晚饭后，雅各布送我上了我那辆小卡车，他在车窗边迟迟不肯离去，等查理把车开走。 “今晚别害怕。”雅各布说道，查理还没发动他的车，假装安全带出了问题，“我们会在那儿守卫。” “我不会为我自己担心的。”我承诺道。 “你真傻。追捕吸血鬼是件乐事，这可是一顿乱摊子中最顺人心意的一部分了。” 我摇了摇头：“如果我傻，那你就头脑不正常。” 他咯咯笑了起来：“好好休息，贝拉，亲爱的，你看上去精疲力竭。” “我会的。” 查理不耐烦地按了按喇叭。 “明天见，”雅各布说，“明天一大早就过来。” “知道了。” 查理开车跟在我后面，他的车灯照在我的后视镜上，我却没留意到。我心里想的是山姆、杰瑞德、恩布里、保罗他们晚上会在哪里，雅各布会不会同他们在一起。 一回到家里，我就匆匆朝楼梯走去，但查理紧跟在我身后。 “发生了什么事，贝拉？”他在我逃开之前问道，“我以为雅各布参加了什么帮派，你们两个为此吵的很凶。” “我们和好了。” “那个小团体是怎么回事？” “我不知道——谁能了解这些小男孩儿呢？他们总是神秘兮兮的。我今天见到山姆·乌利和他的未婚妻艾米丽，他们对我很好，”我耸耸肩，“以前的事也许都是些误会吧。” 他变了脸色：“我倒没听说他和艾米丽订婚的事，真是件喜事，那女孩儿太可怜了。” “你知道发生了什么事吗？” “她被一头熊抓伤，在靠北面的地方，那时正是马哈鱼产卵的季节——恐怖的意外事故。到现在差不多一年多了，我听说山姆为了这事心情一团糟。” “太恐怖了。”我重复道。一年多以前，我敢说那时候拉普西只有一个狼人。一想到山姆每次看到艾米丽的心情，我就不寒而栗。 那天夜里，我躺在床上久久不能入睡。我想着白天发生的事情：和比利、雅各布、查理共进晚餐，在布莱克家焦急等待雅各布的漫长午后，艾米丽家的厨房，可怕的狼人之战，与雅各布在海滩边的谈话。 我想起了雅各布早上所说的话，关于伪君子的那部分，我想了好久，我不愿意把自己认作伪君子，可是，对自己说谎又有什么意义呢？ 我蜷缩成一团。不，爱德华不是杀人凶手，即使他有着灰暗的过去，他至少从不伤及无辜。 但是，如果他曾经伤及无辜，我会怎么办？如果我和他一起的那段时间里，他和其他吸血鬼一样杀人不眨眼，我会怎么办？我会因为这些原因离他而去吗？ 我伤心地摇摇头。爱是没有理智的，我提醒自己。你越爱一个人，你就越缺乏理智。 我翻了个身，试着想想其他事情——我想到雅各布和他的兄弟们正在黑暗中奔跑，我想象隐匿在夜色中的狼群正在守护着我，我渐渐入睡。梦里，我又一次来到了森林中，但这一次我没有走动，而是静静地站在那里。我牵着艾米丽那只伤痕累累的手，我们眼望着面前阴郁的森林。焦急地等待着我们的狼人归家。
Chapter 15 Pressure
IT WAS SPRING BREAK IN FORKS AGAIN. WHEN I WOKE UP on Monday morning, I lay inbed for a few seconds absorbing that. Last spring break, I'd been hunted by a vampire, too. I hoped thiswasn't some kind of tradition forming.
　　Already I was falling into the pattern of things in La Push. I'd spent Sunday mostly on the beach, whileCharlie hung out with Billy at the Blacks' house. I was supposed to be with Jacob, but Jacob had otherthings to do, so I wandered alone, keeping the secret from Charlie.
　　When Jacob dropped in to check on me, he apologized for ditching me so much. He told me hisschedule wasn't always this crazy, but until Victoria was stopped, the wolves were on red alert.
　　When we walked along the beach now, he always held my hand.
　　This made me brood over what Jared had said, about Jacob involving his "girlfriend." I supposed that thatwas exactly what it looked like from the outside. As long as Jake and I knew how it really was, Ishouldn't let those kinds of assumptions bother me. And maybe they wouldn't, if I hadn't known thatJacob would have loved for things to be what they appeared. But his hand felt nice as it warmed mine,and I didn't protest.
　　I worked Tuesday afternoon—Jacob followed me on his bike to make sure I arrived safely—and Mikenoticed.
　　"Are you dating that kid from La Push? The sophomore?" He asked, poorly disguising the resentment inhis tone.
　　I shrugged. "Not in the technical sense of the word. I do spent most of my time with Jacob, though. He'smy best friend."Mike's eyes narrowed shrewdly. "Don't kid yourself, Bella. The guy's head over heels for you.""I know," I sighed. "Life is complicated.""And girls are cruel," Mike said under his breath.
　　I supposed that was an easy assumption to make, too.
　　That night, Sam and Emily joined Charlie and me for dessert at Billy's house. Emily brought a cake thatwould have won over a harder man than Charlie. I could see, as the conversation flowed naturallythrough a range of casual subjects, that any worries Charlie might have harbored about gangs in La Pushwere being dissolved.
　　Jake and I skipped out early, to get some privacy. We went out to his garage and sat in the Rabbit.
　　Jacob leaned his head back, his face drawn with exhaustion.
　　"You need some sleep, Jake." "I'll get around to it."He reached over and took my hand. His skin was blazing on mine.
　　"Is that one of those wolf things?" I asked him. "The heat, I mean.""Yeah. We run a little warmer than the normal people. About one-oh-eight, one-oh-nine. I never get coldanymore. I could stand like this"—he gestured to his bare torso—"in a snowstorm and it wouldn't botherme. The flakes would turn to rain where I stood.""And you all heal fast—that's a wolf thing, too?""Yeah, wanna see? It's pretty cool." His eyes flipped open and he grinned. He reached around me to theglove compartment and dug around for a minute. His hand came out with a pocketknife.
　　"No, I do not want to see!" I shouted as soon as I realized what he was thinking. "Put that away!"Jacob chuckled, but shoved the knife back where it belonged. "Fine. It's a good thing we heal, though.
　　You can't go see just any doctor when you're running a temperature that should mean you're dead.""No, I guess not." I thought about that for a minute. "… And being so big—that's part of it? Is that whyyou're all worried about Quil?""That and the fact that Quil's grandfather says the kid could fry an egg on his forehead." Jacob's faceturned hopeless. "It won't be long now. There's no exact age… it just builds and builds and thensuddenly—" He broke off, and it was a moment before he could speak again. "Sometimes, if you getreally upset or something, that can trigger it early. But I wasn't upset about anything—I was happy." Helaughed bitterly. "Because of you, mostly. That's why it didn't happen to me sooner. Instead it just kepton building up inside me—I was like a time bomb. You know what set me off? I got back from thatmovie and Billy said I looked weird. That was all, but I just snapped. And then I—I exploded. I almostripped his face off—my own father!" He shuddered, and his face paled.
　　"Is it really bad, Jake?" I asked anxiously, wishing I had some way to help him. "Are you miserable?""No, I'm not miserable," he told me. "Not anymore. Not now that you know. That was hard, before." Heleaned over so that his cheek was resting on top of my head.
　　He was quiet for a moment, and I wondered what he was thinking about. Maybe I didn't want to know.
　　"What's the hardest part?" I whispered, still wishing I could help.
　　"The hardest part is feeling… out of control," he said slowly. "Feeling like I can't be sure of myself—likemaybe you shouldn't be around me, like maybe nobody should. Like I'm a monster who might hurtsomebody. You've seen Emily. Sam lost control of his temper for just one second… and she wasstanding too close. And now there's nothing he can ever do to put it right again. I hear his thoughts—Iknow what that feels like…"Who wants to be a nightmare, a monster?
　　"And then, the way it comes so easily to me, the way I'm better at it than the rest of them—does thatmake me even less human than Enbry or Sam? Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm losing myself.""Is it hard? To find yourself again?""At first," he said. "It takes some practice to phase back and forth. But it's easier tor me." "Why?" I wondered.
　　"Because Ephraim Black was my father's grandfather, and Quil Ateara was my mother's grandfather.""Quil?" I asked in confusion.
　　"His great-grandfather," Jacob clarified. "The Quil you know is my second cousin.""But why does it matter who your great-grandfathers are?""Because Ephraim and Quil were in the last pack. Levi Uley was the third. It's in my blood on both sides.
　　I never had a chance. Like Quil doesn't have a chance."His expression was bleak.
　　"What's the very best part?" I asked, hoping to cheer him up.
　　"The best part," he said, suddenly smiling again, "is the speed.""Better than the motorcycles?"He nodded, enthusiastic. "There's no comparison.""How fast can you… ?""Run?" he finished my question. "Fast enough. What can I measure it by? We caught… what was hisname? Laurent? I imagine that means more to you than it would to someone else."It did mean something to me. I couldn't imagine that—the wolves running faster than a vampire. When theCullens ran, they all but turned invisible with speed.
　　"So, tell me something I don't know," he said. "Something about vampires. How did you stand it, beingaround them? Didn't it creep you out?""No," I said curtly.
　　My tone made him thoughtful for a moment.
　　"Say, why'd your bloodsucker kill that James, anyway?" he asked suddenly.
　　"James was trying to kill me—it was like a game for him. He lost. Do you remember last spring when Iwas in the hospital down in Phoenix?"Jacob sucked in a breath. "He got that close?""He got very, very close." I stroked my scar. Jacob noticed, because he held the hand I moved.
　　"What's that?" He traded hands, examining my right. "This is your funny scar, the cold one." He looked atit closer, with new eyes, and gasped.
　　"Yes, it's what you think it is," I said. "James bit me."His eyes bulged, and his face turned a strange, sallow color under the russet surface. He looked like hewas about to be sick.
　　"But if he bit you… ? Shouldn't you be… ?" He choked.
　　 "Edward saved me twice," I whispered. "He sucked the venom out—you know, like with a rattlesnake."I twitched as the pain lashed around the edges of the hole.
　　But I wasn't the only one twitching. I could feel Jacob's whole body trembling next to mine. Even the carshook.
　　"Careful, Jake. Easy. Ca in down.""Yeah," he panted. "Calm." He shook his head back and forth quickly. After a moment, only his handswere shaking.
　　"You okay?""Yeah, almost. Tell me something else. Give me something else to think about.""What do you want to know?""I don't know." He had his eyes closed, concentrating. "The extra stuff I guess. Did any of the otherCullens have… extra talents? Like the mind reading?"I hesitated a second. This felt like a question he would ask of his spy, not his friend. But what was thepoint of hiding what I knew? It didn't matter now, and it would help him control himself.
　　So I spoke quickly, the image of Emily's ruined face in my mind, and the hair rising on my arms. I couldn'timagine how the russet wolf would fit inside the Rabbit—Jacob would tear the whole garage apart if hechanged now.
　　"Jasper could… sort of control the emotions of the people around him. Not in a bad way, just to calmsomeone down, that kind of thing. It would probably help Paul a lot," I added, teasing weakly. "And thenAlice could see things that were going to happen. The future, you know, but not absolutely. The thingsshe saw would change when someone changed the path they were on…"Like how she'd seen me dying… and she'd seen me becoming one of them. Two things that had nothappened. And one that never would. My head started to spin—I couldn't seem to pull in enough oxygenfrom the air. No lungs.
　　Jacob was entirely in control now, very still beside me.
　　"Why do you do that?" he asked. He tugged lightly at one of my arms, which was bound around mychest, and then gave up when it wouldn't come loose easily. I hadn't even realized I'd moved them. "Youdo that when you're upset. Why?""It hurts to think about them," I whispered. "It's like I can't breathe… like I'm breaking into pieces…"Itwas bizarre how much I could tell Jacob now. We had no more secrets.
　　He smoothed my hair. "It's okay, Bella, it's okay. I won't bring it up again. I'm sorry.""I'm fine." I gasped. "Happens all the time. Not your fault.""We're a pretty messed-up pair, aren't we?" Jacob said. "Neither one of us can hold our shape togetherright.""Pathetic," I agreed, still breathless.
　　"At least we have each other," he said, clearly comforted by the thought.
　　 I was comforted, too. "At least there's that," I agreed.
　　And when we were together, it was fine. But Jacob had a horrible, dangerous job he felt compelled todo, and so I was often alone, stuck in La Push for safety, with nothing to do to keep my mind off any ofmy worries.
　　I felt awkward, always taking up space at Billy's. I did some studying for another Calculus test that wascoming up next week, but I could only look at math for so long. When I didn't have something obvious todo in my hands,I felt like I ought to be making conversation with Billy—the pressure of normal societal rules. But Billywasn't one for filling up the long silences, and so the awkwardness continued.
　　I tried hanging out at Emily's place Wednesday afternoon, for a change. At first it was kind of nice. Emilywas a cheerful person who never sat still. I drifted behind her while she flitted around her little house andyard, scrubbing at the spotless floor, pulling a tiny weed, fixing a broken hinge, tugging a string of woolthrough an ancient loom, and always cooking, too. She complained lightly about the increase in the boys'
　　appetites from all their extra running, but it was easy to see she didn't mind taking care of them. It wasn'thard to be with her—after all, we were both wolf girls now.
　　But Sam checked in after I'd been there for a few hours. I only stayed long enough to ascertain thatJacob was fine and there was no news, and then I had to escape. The aura of love and contentment thatsurrounded them was harder to take in concentrated doses, with no one else around to dilute it.
　　So that left me wandering the beach, pacing the length of the rocky crescent back and forth, again andagain.
　　Alone time wasn't good for me. Thanks to the new honesty with Jacob, I'd been talking and thinkingabout the Cullens way too much. No matter how I tried to distract myself—and I had plenty to think of: Iwas honestly and desperately worried about Jacob and his wolf-brothers, I was terrified for Charlie andthe others who thought they were hunting animals, I was getting in deeper and deeper with Jacob withoutever having consciously decided to progress in that direction and I didn't know what to do aboutit—none of these very real, very deserving of thought, very pressing concerns could take my mind off thepain in my chest for long. Eventually, I couldn't even walk anymore, because I couldn't breathe. I satdown on a patch of semidry rocks and curled up in a ball.
　　Jacob found me like that, and I could tell from his expression that he understood.
　　"Sorry," he said right away. He pulled me up from the ground and wrapped both arms around myshoulders. I hadn't realized that I was cold until then. His warmth made me shudder, but at least I couldbreathe with him there.
　　"I'm ruining your spring break," Jacob accused himself as we walked back up the beach.
　　"No, you're not. I didn't have any plans. I don't think I like spring breaks, anyway.""I'll take tomorrow morning off. The others can run without me. We'll do something fun."The word seemed out of place in my life right now, barely comprehensible, bizarre. "Fun?""Fun is exactly what you need. Hmm…" he gazed out across the heaving gray waves, deliberating. As hiseyes scanned the horizon, he had a flash of inspiration.
　　"Got it!" he crowed. "Another promise to keep." "What are you talking about?"He let go of my hand and pointed toward the southern edge of the beach, where the flat, rockyhalf-moon dead-ended against the sheer sea cliffs. I stared, uncomprehending.
　　"Didn't I promise to take you cliff diving?"I shivered.
　　"Yeah, it'll be pretty cold—not as cold as it is today. Can you feel the weather changing? The pressure?
　　It will be warmer tomorrow. You up for it?"The dark water did not look inviting, and, from this angle, the cliffs looked even higher than before.
　　But it had been days since I'd heard Edward's voice. That was probably part of the problem. I wasaddicted to the sound of my delusions. It made things worse if I went too long without them. Jumping offa cliff was certain to remedy that situation.
　　"Sure, I'm up for it. Fun.""It's a date," he said, and draped his arm around my shoulders.
　　"Okay—now let's go get you some sleep." I didn't like the way the circles under his eyes were beginningto look permanently etched onto his skin.
　　I woke early the next morning and snuck a change of clothes out to the truck. I had a feeling that Charliewould approve of today's plan just about as much as he would approve of the motorcycle.
　　The idea of a distraction from all my worries had me almost excited. Maybe it would be fun. A date withJacob, a date with Edward… I laughed darkly to myself. Jake could say what he wanted about us beinga messed-up pair—I was the one who was truly messed up. I made the werewolf seem downrightnormal.
　　I expected Jacob to meet me out front, the way he usually did when my noisy truck announced myarrival. When he didn't, I guessed that he might still be sleeping. I would wait—let him get as much rest ashe could. He needed his sleep, and that would give the day time to warm a bit more. Jake had been rightabout the weather, though; it had changed in the night. A thick layer of clouds pressed heavily on theatmosphere now, making it almost sultry; it was warm and close under the gray blanket. I left my sweaterin the truck.
　　I knocked quietly on the door.
　　"C'mon in, Bella," Billy said.
　　He was at the kitchen table, eating cold cereal.
　　"Jake sleeping?""Er, no." He set his spoon down, and his eyebrows pulled together.
　　"What happened?" I demanded. I could tell from his expression that something had.
　　"Embry, Jared, and Paul crossed a fresh trail early this morning. Sam and Jake took off to help. Sam washopeful—she's hedged herself in beside the mountains. He thinks they have a good chance to finish this." "Oh, no, Billy," I whispered. "Oh, no."He chuckled, deep and low. "Do you really like La Push so well that you want to extend your sentencehere?""Don't make jokes, Billy. This is too scary for that.""You're right," he agreed, still complacent. His ancient eyes were impossible to read. "This one's tricky."I bit my lip.
　　"It's not as dangerous for them as you think it is. Sam knows what he's doing. You're the one that youshould worry about. The vampire doesn't want to fight them. She's just trying to find a way aroundthem… to you.""How does Sam know what he's doing?" I demanded, brushing aside his concern for me. "They've onlykilled just the one vampire—that could have been luck.""We take what we do very seriously, Bella. Nothing's been forgotten. Everything they need to know hasbeen passed down from father to son for generations."That didn't comfort me the way he probably intended it to. The memory of Victoria, wild, catlike, lethal,was too strong in my head. If she couldn't get around the wolves, she would eventually try to go throughthem.
　　Billy went back to his breakfast; I sat down on the sofa and flipped aimlessly though the TV channels.
　　That didn't last long. I started to feel closed in by the small room, claustrophobic, upset by the fact that Icouldn't see out the curtained windows.
　　"I'll be at the beach," I told Billy abruptly, and hurried out the door.
　　Being outside didn't help as much as I'd hoped. The clouds pushed down with an invisible weight thatkept the claustrophobia from easing. The forest seemed strangely vacant as I walked toward the beach. Ididn't see any animals—no birds, no squirrels. I couldn't hear any birds, either. The silence was eerie;there wasn't even the sound of wind in the trees.
　　I knew it was all just a product of the weather, but it still made me edgy. The heavy, warm pressure ofthe atmosphere was perceptible even to my weak human senses, and it hinted at something major in thestorm department. A glance at the sky backed this up; the clouds were churning sluggishly despite thelack of breeze on the ground. The closest clouds were a smoky gray, but between the cracks I could seeanother layer that was a gruesome purple color. The skies had a ferocious plan in store for today. Theanimals must be bunkering down.
　　As soon as I reached the beach, I wished I hadn't come—I'd already had enough of this place. I'd beenhere almost every day, wandering alone. Was it so much different from my nightmares? But where else togo? I trudged down to the driftwood tree, and sat at the end so that I could lean against the tangledroots. I stared up at the angry sky broodingly, waiting for the first drops to break the stillness.
　　I tried not to think about the danger Jacob and his friends were in. Because nothing could happen toJacob. The thought was unendurable. I'd lost too much already—would fate take the last few shreds ofpeace left behind? That seemed unfair, out of balance. But maybe I'd violated some unknown rule,crossed some line that had condemned me. Maybe it was wrong to be so involved with myths andlegends, to turn my back on the human world. Maybe… No. Nothing would happen to Jacob. I had to believe that or I wouldn't be able to function.
　　"Argh!" I groaned, and jumped off the log. I couldn't sit still; it was worse than pacing.
　　I'd really been counting on hearing Edward this morning. It seemed like that was the one thing that mightmake it bearable to live through this day. The hole had been festering lately, like it was getting revenge forthe times that Jacob's presence had tamed it. The edges burned.
　　The waves picked up as I paced, beginning to crash against the rocks, but there was still no wind. I feltpinned down by the pressure of the storm. Everything swirled around me, but it was perfectly still where Istood. The air had a faint electric charge—I could feel the static in my hair.
　　Farther out, the waves were angrier than they were along the shore. I could see them battering against theline of the cliffs, spraying big white clouds of sea foam into the sky. There was still no movement in theair, though the clouds roiled more quickly now. It was eerie looking—like the clouds were moving bytheir own will. I shivered, though I knew it was just a trick of the pressure.
　　The cliffs were a black knife edge against the livid sky. Staring at them, I remembered the day Jacob hadtold me about Sam and his "gang." I thought of the boys—the werewolves—throwing themselves into theempty air. The image of the falling, spiraling figures was still vivid in my mind. I imagined the utter freedomof the fall… I imagined the way Edward's voice would have sounded in my head—furious, velvet,perfect… The burning in my chest flared agonizingly.
　　There had to be some way to quench it. The pain was growing more and more intolerable by the second.
　　I glared at the cliffs and the crashing waves.
　　Well, why not? Why not quench it right now?
　　Jacob had promised me cliff diving, hadn't he? Just because he was unavailable, should I have to give upthe distraction I needed so badly—needed even worse because Jacob was out risking his life? Risking it,in essence, for me. If it weren't for me, Victoria would not be killing people here… just somewhere else,far away. If anything happened to Jacob, it would be my fault. That realization stabbed deep and had mejogging back up to the road toward Billy's house, where my truck waited.
　　I knew my way to the lane that passed closest to the cliffs, but I had to hunt for the little path that wouldtake me out to the ledge. As I followed it, I looked for turns or forks, knowing that Jake had planned totake me off the lower outcropping rather than the top, but the path wound in a thin single line toward thebrink with no options. I didn't have time to find another way down—the storm was moving in quicklynow. The wind was finally beginning to touch me, the clouds pressing closer to the ground. Just as Ireached the place where the dirt path fanned out into the stone precipice, the first drops broke throughand splattered on my face.
　　It was not hard to convince myself that I didn't have time to search for another way—I wanted to jumpfrom the top. This was the image that had lingered in my head. I wanted the long fall that would feel likeflying.
　　I knew that this was the stupidest, most reckless thing I had done yet. The thought made me smile. Thepain was already easing, as if my body knew that Edward's voice was just seconds away…The ocean sounded very far away, somehow farther than before, when I was on the path in the trees. Igrimaced when I thought of the probable temperature of the water. But I wasn't going to let that stop me.
　　The wind blew stronger now, whipping the rain into eddies around me.
　　 I stepped out to the edge, keeping my eyes on the empty space in front of me. My toes felt ahead blindly,caressing the edge of the rock when they encountered it. I drew in a deep breath and held it . . waiting.
　　"Bella."I smiled and exhaled.
　　Yes? I didn't answer out loud, for fear that the sound of my voice would shatter the beautiful illusion. Hesounded so real, so close. It was only when lie was disapproving like this that I could hear the truememory of his voice—the velvet texture and the musical intonation that made up the most perfect of allvoices.
　　"Don't do this," he pleaded.
　　You wanted me to be human, I reminded him. Well, watch me.
　　"Please. For me."But you won't stay with me any other way.
　　"Please." It was just a whisper in the blowing rain that tossed my hair and drenched my clothes—makingme as wet as if this were my second jump of the day.
　　I rolled up onto the balls of my feet.
　　"No, Bella!" He was angry now, and the anger was so lovely.
　　I smiled and raised my arms straight out, as if I were going to dive, lifting my face into the rain. But it wastoo ingrained from years of swimming at the public pool—feet first, first time. I leaned forward, crouchingto get more spring…And I flung myself off the cliff.
　　I screamed as I dropped through the open air like a meteor, but it was a scream of exhilaration and notfear. The wind resisted, trying vainly to fight the unconquerable gravity, pushing against me and twirlingme in spirals like a rocket crashing to the earth.
　　Yes! The word echoed through my head as I sliced through the surface of the water. It was icy, colderthan I'd feared, and yet the chill only added to the high.
　　I was proud of myself as I plunged deeper into the freezing black water. I hadn't had one moment ofterror—just pure adrenaline. Really, the fall wasn't scary at all. Where was the challenge?
　　That was when the current caught me.
　　I'd been so preoccupied by the size of the cliffs, by the obvious danger of their high, sheer faces, that Ihadn't worried at all about the dark water waiting. I never dreamed that the true menace was lurking farbelow me, under the heaving surf.
　　It felt like the waves were fighting over me, jerking me back and forth between them as if determined toshare by pulling me into halves. I knew the right way to avoid a riptide: swim parallel to the beach ratherthan struggling for the shore. But the knowledge did me little good when I didn't know which way theshore was.
　　I couldn't even tell which way the surface was.
　　 The angry water was black in every direction; there was no brightness to direct me upward. Gravity wasall-powerful when it competed with the air, but it had nothing on the waves—I couldn't feel a downwardpull, a sinking in any direction. Just the battering of the current that flung me round and round like a ragdoll.
　　I fought to keep my breath in, to keep my lips locked around my last store of oxygen.
　　It didn't surprise me that my delusion of Edward was there. He owed me that much, considering that Iwas dying. I was surprised by how sure that knowledge was. I was going to drown. I was drowning.
　　"Keep swimming!" Edward begged urgently in my head.
　　Where? There was nothing but the darkness. There was no place to swim to.
　　"Stop that!" he ordered. "Don't you dare give up!"The cold of the water was numbing my arms and legs. I didn't feel the buffeting so much as before. It wasmore of just a dizziness now, a helpless spinning in the water.
　　But I listened to him. I forced my arms to continue reaching, my legs to kick harder, though every secondI was facing a new direction. It couldn't be doing any good. What was the point?
　　"Fight!" he yelled. "Damn it, Bella, keep fighting."Why?
　　I didn't want to fight anymore. And it wasn't the light-headedness, or the cold, or the failure of my armsas the muscles gave out in exhaustion, that made me content to stay where I was. I was almost happythat it was over. This was an easier death than others I'd faced. Oddly peaceful.
　　I thought briefly of the clichés, about how you were suppose to see your life flash before your eyes. I wasso much luckier. Who wanted to see a rerun, anyway?
　　I saw him, and I had no will to fight. It was so clear, so much more defined than any memory. Mysubconscious had stored Edward away in flawless detail, saving him for this final moment. I could see hisperfect face as if he were really there; the exact shade of his icy skin, the shape of his lips, the line of hisjaw, the gold glinting in his furious eyes. He was angry, naturally, that I was giving up. His teeth wereclenched and his nostrils flared with rage.
　　"No! Bella, no!"My ears were flooded with the freezing water, but his voice was clearer than ever. I ignored his wordsand concentrated on the sound of his voice. Why would I fight when I was so happy where I was? Evenas my lungs burned for more air and my legs cramped in the icy cold, I was content. I'd forgotten whatreal happiness felt like.
　　Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable.
　　The current won at that moment, shoving me abruptly against something hard, a rock invisible in thegloom. It hit me solidly across the chest, slamming into me like an iron bar, and the breath whooshed outof my lungs, escaping in a thick cloud of silver bubbles. Water flooded down my throat, choking andburning. The iron bar seemed to be dragging me, pulling me away from Edward, deeper into the dark, tothe ocean floor.
　　 Goodbye, I love you, was my last thought.15  气压 
 
福克斯的春季休假又到来了。星期一早上，一觉醒来，我躺在床上思绪万千。去年春假时，我也被一个吸血鬼追逐着，真不希望这种追逐成为每年一次的惯例。 我已经习惯了拉普西的生活，周日的大部分时间我都在海滩度过，查理和比利则待在布莱克家的房子里。我应该同雅各布在一起，但是雅各布有其他事情要做。我只能一个人在海滩上散步，对查理Ｊ厮 忻孛堋?雅各布偶尔会到海滩上来看看我是否安全，他为冷落了我而感到抱歉。他告诉我，他从没像现在这样忙碌过，再除掉维多利亚之前，所有的狼人都处于红色警备状态。 当我们有机会一起散步的时候，他总是会牵着我的手。 这让我想起了杰瑞德的话，他曾说过雅各布不应该把“女朋友”牵扯进来。我想，在外人看来，我们的确是男女朋友关系。只要杰克和我清楚我们之间的关系，我大可不必在意外人的看法。如果不是雅各布总喜欢叫别人误解，我也许根本不会把这件事放在心上，但是，他的手是那么的暖和，握着他的手让我感到温暖。 星期二下午我要工作——雅各布骑着摩托车跟在我的车后，确保我安全到达——迈克看见我和他在一起。 “你在和拉普西的那个男孩儿约会吗？二年级的那个？”他问道，语气中带着明显的反感。 我耸耸肩：“严格地说，没有，虽然我大部分时间和雅各布在一起，他是我最好的朋友。”迈克狡黠地眯缝着眼睛：“别骗自己了，贝拉，那家伙都被你弄得神魂颠倒了。” “我知道，”我叹了口气，“生活太复杂了。” “女孩儿们太残忍了。”迈克低声说道。 我们俩都做了简单的论断。 这天晚上，山姆和艾米丽也来到比利家，他们同我和查理一起吃甜点。艾米丽带来了蛋糕，即使是比查理更难对付的人也会被她的蛋糕征服。我们一桌人轻松、自然地闲聊着，我看得出，查理对拉普西小团体的忧虑完全烟消云散了。 杰克和我走到屋外，想单独待一会儿。我们来到他的车库，坐进“兔子”车里。雅各布仰头倚靠在座椅背上，一脸疲惫不堪的样子。 “你应该睡一觉，杰克。”                                                                                                             “有时间我会睡的。” 他握住我的手，他的皮肤像是在燃烧一样发烫。 “这也是狼的特性吗？”我问他，“我是说体温。” “对。我们比一般人的体温要高一些，大概四十二摄氏度或者四十三摄氏度，我再也不会感冒了，我可以”——他指了指只穿着一件外套的上半身——“像这个样子站在暴风雪中，而且一点事也没有，雪花落在我周围都会化作雨点。” “你们有很强的复原能力——这也是狼的特性，对吗？” “对，想见识一下吗？简直酷毙了。”他兴奋地睁大眼睛，咧嘴大笑。他打开仪表板下的储物柜，在里面摸索了半天，掏出了一把折叠刀。 “不，我不想看，”我意识到他要做什么，叫了起来，“把它拿开！” 雅各布咯咯地笑着，把折叠刀有扔回了原处：“好吧，不过，能够自我复原确实是件好事。我们的体温这么高，是正常人的话早就死了。如果去看医生，医生肯定会被吓坏的。” “没错。”我想了想，“.....还有，体形魁梧——这也是特性之一吗？所以你们才会担心奎尔？” “不仅是因为奎尔身材高大，他的祖父说这孩子的额头烫得可以煎鸡蛋。” 雅各布露出绝望的神色，“要不了多久了。然后，突然间.....”他停了下来，半晌才开口说话，“如果时常感到特别伤心或者心情不大好，变身会提前发生，但是我从没觉得伤心——我向来很快乐，”他苦笑了一下，“主要是因为你而快乐，所以我的变身来得更晚一些，但是，我体内的那股能量一直在积蓄——我就像是一枚定时炸弹。你知道我是怎样被引爆的吗？看电影的那天，我回到家里，比利说我看上去怪怪的，就这样，我发作了。接着，我——我开始变身，我几乎要把他的脸给撕烂了——我亲爱的父亲！”他身子一抖，脸色惨白。 “真的这么糟糕吗，杰克？”我不安地问道，希望自己能有法子帮他，“是不是感到特别痛苦？” “不，不痛苦，”他说道，“再也不会痛苦。你现在已经知道真相了，而在此之前，日子确实不好过。”他朝我靠过来，脸贴在我的头上。 他沉默了半天，我不知道他在想什么，也许我不想知道。 “什么时候最难熬？”我轻声问道，仍希望能帮上忙。 “最难熬的时候就是觉得.....完全失控，”他慢慢地说，“觉得连自己都无法相信自己——觉得你不应该待在我身边，任何人都不应该待在我身边，我是一个会伤人的怪兽。你看到艾米丽的样子了，山姆一下子失去控制....而她当时离他太近了。如今，他无论如何也无法挽回一切。我听到他的心思——我了解这是一种什么感觉.... “谁愿意变成魔鬼、变成怪兽呢？“变身对我来说是件轻而易举的事情，我在这方面比他们任何一个都娴熟——这是不是意味着我比起恩布里或者山姆更没人性？有的时候，我很害怕我会迷失自己。”“变回自己很难吗？” “刚开始时，”他说道，“需要多多练习，但是这个过程对我来说比较容易。” “为什么？”我问道。 “因为伊弗列姆·布莱克是我的父亲的祖父，奎尔·阿蒂拉是我母亲的祖父。”“奎尔？”我疑惑地问道。 “他的曾祖父，”雅各布解释道，“你认识的那个奎尔是我的第二代表弟。” “你的曾祖父是谁跟变身有什么关系呢？”我问道，想让他振作起来。 “最大的好处，”他突然笑了起来，“就是速度。” “比摩托车还要快吗?” 他激动地点点头：“简直没法比。” “你们能跑多快.....” “快？”他接过我的问题，“足够快。怎么说呢？我们追到了....他叫什么来着？劳伦特吗？我想你就能明白我们究竟有多快了。” 我确实明白了。我没想到——狼竟然比吸血鬼跑得还要快。卡伦一家人跑起来就像阵风似的，速度快得惊人。 “好了，告诉我一些我不知道的事情吧，”他说，“关于吸血鬼的事情。你怎么敢和他们在一起？难道不觉得心惊胆战吗？” “不。”我简单地回答道。 我的语气让他迟疑了片刻。 “那么，你的吸血鬼到底为什么除掉那个詹姆斯？”他突然问道。 “詹姆斯想杀了我——这对他来说就像是玩游戏，但他失败了。 你记得去年春天我住进了凤凰城的医院吗？” 雅各布深吸了口气：“那他岂不是快要得手了？” “他差一点点就得手了。”我摸了摸伤疤。雅各布注意到我的动作，因为他正握着我移开的那只手。 “这是什么？”他握住我的右手，仔细地看着，“是你的伤疤，冰冰凉的伤疤。”他又凑近了一些，睁大眼睛盯着那道疤，喘着粗气。 “是的，你想得没错，”我说，“詹姆斯咬了我。” 他的眼睛瞪得圆圆的，深褐色的脸变成了奇怪的蜡黄色，他看上去像是要吐。 “如果他咬了你....你不就是.....”他哽咽得说不出话来。 “爱德华救了我两次，”我轻声说，“他帮我把毒液吸出来——像处理毒蛇咬的伤口那样。”我的胸口一阵剧痛，整个身子抽搐起来。 身体颤抖的人不止我一个。我能感到身旁的雅各布也在不停抖动，连车身也跟着颤动起来。 “小心，杰克，放松，冷静下来。” “是的，”他大口喘着气，“冷静。”他的脑袋迅速的前后晃动着。过了一会儿，只有他的手还在抖动。 “还好吗？” “是的，好多了。说点别的什么吧，让我想想其他事情。” “你想知道什么？” “我也不知道。”他闭上眼睛，使自己集中精神，“说说特异功能吧。卡伦家的其他人有.....特异功能吗？比方说心灵感应？” 我犹豫了一下。这个问题似乎是对间谍而不是对朋友提出的，但是，我隐瞒我所知道的事情又有什么意义呢？一切都不重要了，况且说出事实还能帮他平静下来。 于是我很快回答了他。脑子里一想到艾米丽那张毁容的脸，我就觉得毛骨悚然。我无法想象“兔子”车如何容纳一匹深褐色的狼——如果雅各布此刻变身，整个车库都会被他摧毁。 “贾斯帕可以.....控制周围人的情绪。当然不是用这个本领来干坏事，而是帮助人们镇定下来，诸如此类。也许这招对保罗很有用。” 我开玩笑地补充了一句，“爱丽丝能够预见将来发生的事情，就是预见未来，但也不是那么准确。如果当事人中途改变了原有的想法，她所遇见的事情就不会发生.....” 比如，她曾预见我会死去......我会成为他们中的一分子。这两件事都没有发生，而且其中一件永远都不会发生。我有点儿头晕目眩——似乎没办法吸入足够的氧气，我的肺似乎消失不见了。雅各布完全恢复了镇定，静静地坐在我身边。 “你为什么总是这个样子？”他问道，轻轻地拉着我压在胸前的手臂，但是我紧紧按着胸口，迟迟不肯松开，他只好作罢。连我自己也没意识到我是什么时候抬起手臂的，“你伤心的时候就会这个样子，为什么？” “一想到他们，我的胸口就疼痛难忍，”我轻声说，“好像不能呼吸....好想要粉身碎骨.....”此时此刻，我竟然对雅各布敞开心扉，我们之间再也没有秘密了。 他抚摸着我的头发：“没事，贝拉，没事。我不会再提起他们，对不起。” “我没事，”我喘着粗气，“总是这个样子，不是你的错。” “我们俩真是糟糕的一对，不是吗？”雅各布说道，“我们都不能控制自己的身体。” “可怜。”我赞同道，仍然上气不接下气。 “至少我们拥有彼此。”他欣慰地说道。 我也感到莫大的安慰：“至少是这样。” 我们待在一起的时候，一切都风平浪静，但雅各布肩负着一个必须去完成的危险使命，这样，我不得不经常一个人独处，为了安全，我只能留在拉普西，整天无所事事，那些愁情烦绪终日缠绕着我。 在比利家，我感到无所适从。我复习功课，准备下周的微积分考试，但我不可能长时间和比利聊聊天——这似乎是社会潜规则造成的强制行为。可是，比利并不是个善谈的人，我们的谈话常常陷入僵局，于是，我的无所适从感与日俱增。 每个周三下午我会去艾米丽那里换换心情。刚开始我还觉得很愉快，艾米丽性格开朗，似乎总有做不完的家务活，拔除刚刚冒出来的野草，修理坏掉的门铰链，在一台老式织机上费力的纺线，其余的时间她都用来做饭。她抱怨男孩儿们因为整天奔跑而大大增加的食欲，但看得出来，她非常乐意照顾他们。和她在一起我感到舒心——毕竟，我们俩现在都是巨狼儿女孩了。可是，我在她家刚刚待上几个小时山姆就回来了。我总是简单地向他打听雅各布是否安全，然后就匆匆离去。他们两人之间的浓情蜜意让我觉得自己是个多余的人。 就这样，我只能一个人在海滩漫步，在岩石地上徘徊。 独处对于我来说毫无益处。自从向雅各布坦白了心声，我再也无法停止对卡伦一家的谈论和回忆。不管我怎么努力去分散自己的注意力——其实还有很多事情值得操心：我为雅各布和他的狼人兄弟们而牵肠挂肚；我为查理和其他在森林狩猎的人们而担惊受怕；虽然我没有同雅各布发展下去的打算，但我却越来越离不开他，我不知道应该如何处理我们之间的关系——所有这些真实迫切的想法和急需解决的问题都无法令我忘却胸口的伤痛。最后，我连走路的力气都没了，只感到呼吸困难。我在一片潮湿的岩石地上坐下来，将身子蜷缩成一团。 雅各布在这个时侯来到我身边，我从他的眼神中可以看出，他完全理解我的心情。 “对不起。”他一见我就说道。他把我从地上拉起来，用双臂紧紧地搂住我的肩膀。直到此时，我才意识到自己已经冻得像冰块。他温暖的身体让我打了个寒噤，有他在我身边，我又能自如地呼吸。 我们一起沿着海滩散步。“是我破坏了你的春假。”雅各布自责道。 “不，你没有。我本来就没有什么安排，反正我本来就不太喜欢春假。” “明天上午我休息，他们没有我也能应付，我们可以做点有趣的事。” “有趣？”这个词似乎与我现在的生活毫不相干，听上去都让人觉得奇怪。 “你现在最需要的就是有趣的事。嗯.....”他望着远处灰蒙蒙的海浪，仔细地考虑着。他扫了一眼海平线，突然有了主意。 “有了！”他欢叫道，“履行另外一个诺言。” “你说什么？” 他松开我的手，指向海滩的最南角，一堵陡峭的海崖截住了弯月形的海岸线。我盯着那座悬崖峭壁，还是不理解他的意思。 “我不是承诺过要带你去按压跳水吗？” 我身子一抖。 “确实，会很冷——但是不会像今天这么冷。你没感觉到天气的变化吗？气流的变化？明天会更暖和。你想不想去？” 昏暗的海水看上去一点也不适合跳水，而且，从我们站立的角度望去，那些绝壁似乎比平常更高一些。 但是，我有好些日子没听到爱德华的声音了。这也许正是所有愁情烦绪的源头。我太痴迷于这个幻想中的声音，如果太久没有听到，心情就会越来越糟，从悬崖上跳下来肯定能解决这个问题。 “好，我去，做点有趣的事。” “这算是个约会。”他说道，手臂绕上我的肩膀。 “好——但现在你必须去睡一觉。”他的黑眼圈似乎是要永远留在他的脸上，而这不是我所希望看到的。 第二天我很早就起床，悄悄地将潜水的行头装进小卡车里。我猜想查理应该会同意我们今天的计划，就像他曾经支持我学骑摩托车一样。 我想到将要暂时摆脱所有的烦恼就觉得兴奋，也许这将会是件快乐的事，与雅各布约会，与爱德华约会.....我暗自高兴。杰克有理由说我们是糟糕的一对——而我才是那个真正糟糕透顶的人，我竟然把狼人视为完完全全的正常人。 我以为雅各布会在他家门口等我，每次一听到小卡车的声音，他都会出来接我，但这次他没有，我想他应该还在睡觉。我可以等——让他拥有充足的睡眠。他需要休息，而且晚一点出发天气会更暖和。杰克对天气的判断很准确，气温的确升高了许多。厚厚的云层压在头顶，像是一床灰色的毛毯，让人感到格外闷热。我脱掉毛衫放在车里。 我轻轻地敲了敲门。 “进来吧，贝拉。”比利说道。 他坐在餐桌边吃着凉的燕麦粥。 “杰克还在睡觉吗？” “恩，没有。”他放下勺子，眉头紧锁。 “发生了什么事？”我急切地问道。从他的表情可以看出，一定有什么是发生了！ “今天一大早，恩布里、杰瑞德和保罗发现了一些新的足迹。山姆和杰克过去帮忙了。山姆希望——她躲在山边，他们就有很好的机会结束这一切。” “噢，不，比利，”我轻声说道，“噢，不。” 他笑了起来，声音低沉：“难道你舍不得拉普西，想要延长在此监禁的时间？” “别开玩笑了，比利，这么恐怖的事情实在开不得玩笑。” “你说得对。”虽然他嘴上表示赞成，但脸上仍然一副毫不担心的样子。我简直无法从他那双深邃的眼睛里读懂他的意思，“这一次的确应该小心谨慎。” 我咬了咬嘴唇。 “但也不是你想象的那么危险。山姆知道自己在干什么，你应该担心的人是你自己。吸血鬼的目标不是他们，她只是在想法子绕过他们找到....你。” “山姆怎么会知道自己在干什么？”我质问道，完全漠视他对我的关心，“他们只杀过一个吸血鬼——而且很有可能是凭运气。” “我们非常严肃地对待自己所做的事情，贝拉。他们学到的东西都是祖祖辈辈传下来的，没有一点疏漏。” 他想要安慰我，但是我还是放不下心。维多利亚凶残、野蛮的形象一直深深印刻在我脑海里。如果她没法绕过狼群，她肯定会跟他们一决高下。 比利又开始吃早餐，我坐在沙发上，心不在焉地调换电视频道。没过多久，我就感到自己被困在这个狭小的房间里，窗帘遮住了窗外的风景，让我觉得恐惧不安。 “我去海滩。”我突然对比利说道，然后匆匆奔向门外。 但是，来到户外情况并没有好转。厚厚的云层有一种无形的力量往下压，似乎要将我包围。我朝着海滩走去，森林里出奇的空荡，没有任何动物——没有小鸟，也没有松鼠，我也听不见鸟鸣声。这种寂静叫人发憷，就连风吹过树丛都没有任何声响。 我知道这时天气的原因，但还是抑制不住内心的烦躁不安。气压是如此强大，连我这个不太敏感的人都能感觉到，似乎预示着一场暴风雨即将到来。我抬头望了望天空，尽管没有风来吹动，云层仍在空中缓缓地翻滚着。最低的云层像烟雾一样灰蒙蒙的，透过低云层的缝隙，我能看到另一层可怕的紫色云朵。天空中正孕育着一个危险的计划，动物们一定都躲藏起来了。 一到海滩，我就后悔不该来——我来了太多次，几乎每天都到这里漫无目的地散步。这里同噩梦中的海滩又有什么区别呢？但是，我还能去哪里呢？我又走到那棵浮木旁坐下，身子倚靠在纠缠的树根上。我仰望着云海翻腾的天空，等待着第一滴雨滴坠落，打破所有的寂静。 我不愿去想雅各布和他的朋友们深处的险境，雅各布不可能有事的，可是，这样想不过是自欺欺人。我已经失去了太多——难道命运还要将仅存的一点安宁打破？这样也太不公平了，太不合理了。也许是因为我犯了天理 受了诅咒，也许是因为我深陷传说、神话中不能自拔，也许..... 不，雅各布不会有事的，我一定要相信这一点，不然，我再没法支撑下去了。 “啊！！”我痛苦地叫出声，跳了起来，我不能坐着一动不动，这比漫步更让人难以忍受。 我原本期待着今天能听到爱德华的声音，这是让我熬过漫长的一天的唯一动力。胸口的疼痛变本加厉地折磨我，似乎是在报复雅各布前些日子带给我的片刻欢愉，伤口像被灼烧般火辣辣的疼。 我沿着海滩走着，海浪渐渐汹涌起来，冲击着岸上的岩石，但始终无风。我觉得自己被被暴风雨前的强气压钉在原地，所有事物在我周围旋绕，只有我站立的地方静止不动。空气中带着微弱的电荷——我能感受到头发上的静电。 海上的波浪比岸边的更加汹涌。海水拍打着崖壁，激起巨大的白色浪花。空气中一丝风也没有，云层却翻滚得更加迅速。云层看上去怪怪的——它们完全按照自己的意志移动着。我为之一颤，虽然我知道出现这种景象不过是气压在作怪。 悬崖峭壁映衬在青灰色的天空下像是黑色的刀刃，我盯着它们，想起来雅各布对我说起山姆和“帮派”的那一天。我回想起那些男孩儿——狼人——在空中跃起的样子。还有他们急速下落的模样，至今仍历历在目。我想象着他们下落时的无拘无束....我想象着脑海中爱德华的声音——愤怒的、温柔的、完美的....胸口的伤痛似火燃烧。 一定有法子熄灭胸口的这团火，疼痛每分每秒在加剧，我呆呆地看着陡峭的山峰和澎湃的海水。 对了，为什么不在此刻就将它熄灭呢？为什么不呢？ 雅各布承诺过要带我悬崖跳水，不是吗？仅仅因为他不在，我就应该放弃这一次摆脱所有烦扰的机会吗？我是多么渴望得到这样的机会啊——正因为雅各布随时都有生命危险，我就更加迫切地需要机会来赶走心头对他的担忧。事实上，雅各布是在为我铤而走险。如果不是因为我，维多利亚不会在这里杀害无辜的人们....她会到一个狼人遥不可及的地方。如果雅各布有什么闪失，全都是我的错。想到这里，我感到一阵钻心的痛，我朝着比利家走去，朝着我的小卡车走去。 去悬崖的近道我非常熟悉，但我还得找寻通往跳水点的小道。 我摸索着，研究每一个转弯和岔口，我知道，杰克计划带我从半山腰而不是山顶跳水，但是，蜿蜒曲折的小路一直把我引到了崖顶。我没时间再返转下山了——暴风雨马上就要来临。风终于刮了起来，云层似乎抬手可及。我沿着泥路到达山顶的时候，雨水开始滴落在我脸颊。 其实我根本就不用说服自己再折返回去——我就想从山顶跳下去！这是我蓄谋已久的计划，我想体验长时间待在空中的飞翔版的感觉。 这是我做过最愚蠢、最鲁莽的事情，意识到这一点，我不禁笑了起来。胸口的疼痛已经减轻了许多，似乎我的身体也意识到马上能听到爱德华的声音。 海浪声听上去非常遥远，比起我在山间小道上听到时要远得多。 想到海水的温度，我撇了撇嘴，但我不会因此退缩。 风越刮越猛，雨水在我身边形成了一个个小旋涡。 我走到悬崖边上，盯着前方的一片空白。我盲目的向前挪动着脚步直到无路可走，脚趾不停地摩挲着岩石的边缘。我深深吸了一口气，屏住了呼吸....等待着。 “贝拉。” 我笑了，吐了口气。 “怎么了？”我轻声回答道，生怕我的声音会破坏这个美丽的幻影。他听上去是如此真实，如此亲近。只有当他像现在这样阻止我的时候，我才能切切实实地感受到他的声音——温柔音质和动听语调所构成的最完美的声音。 “别这样。”他恳求道。 你要我做个凡人！我提醒他，好了，看着我跳吧！ “求你了，为了我，别这样。” 可是，无论怎样，你都不会和我在一起.... “求你了。”雨声几乎掩盖了他的声音。风雨吹打着我的头发和衣服，我浑身湿漉漉的——好像刚从海里潜水出来。 我踮起脚尖。 “不，贝拉！！”他有些生气，而生气时的声音显得更加迷人。 我笑了笑，举起伸直的手臂，仰起脸迎着雨水，摆出潜水前的姿势，但是，多年来在公共游泳池养成的习惯动作根深蒂固——记得我第一次在那儿游泳的时候，是脚朝下如水的。我朝前倾，躬起身子，争取更强的弹力.... 我猛地一蹬腿跃了出去。 我像流星一样在空中坠落，我尖叫起来，不是因为恐惧，而是因为极度兴奋。空气无力地抵抗着不可战胜的万有引力，它将我螺旋转动，我仿佛是即将撞击地球的火箭。 棒极了！！落入水中的那一刹那，这句话在我脑中回荡。海水冰凉，比我预想的更冷，但是，这一丝寒意令我更加兴奋。 我在冰凉的海水里越沉越深，我为自己感到骄傲，因为我一点也不害怕——只有按耐不住的激动。真的，从峭壁上跳下来一点也不可怕。那么，悬崖跳水的挑战性究竟在哪儿呢？ 当海水把我包围的时候，我终于明白了这个问题的答案。 之前，我只留意到陡峭的悬崖，只担心它的高度和陡峭带来的显而易见的危险，丝毫没有意识到等待着我的海水。我从没想到真正的威胁来自下方，来自汹涌的海面之下。 一波波的海水似乎为了争夺我而搏斗着，它们把我拉过来扯过去，像是要将我撕成几块，共同分享我这个战利品。我懂得如何应付激流：沿着与海岸平行的方向游，但是，我现在无法判断海岸在什么方向，这点知识压根儿帮不上忙。 我甚至无法判断海面在哪个方向。 四周是黑糊糊的海水，没有光亮指引我向上。引力在空气中是万能的，但面对海水，它却束手无策——我觉察不到向下的重力，没有向任何方向下沉的感觉。澎湃的海水把我当作玩具皮球一样翻转、投掷。 我强憋住一口气，紧紧地闭上双唇，锁住仅存的一点氧气。 爱德华的声音再次出现时我一点也不觉得意外。他早该出现了，因为我正在垂死挣扎。让我觉得意外的是，我竟然如此确定自己必死无疑。我就会被淹死，我是一个即将死去的人。 “接着游！”爱德华急切地恳求我。 游向哪里？漆黑一片，无处可游。 “不许这样想！”他命令道，“不许你放弃！” 冰凉的海水使我四肢麻木，我隐约觉得自己仍在游动，但那也只是在水里无力和无助地旋转。 但是，我听从了他的命令。我使劲伸开双臂、踢动双腿，但是每一次我都游向不同的方向。一点用都没有，再努力下去又有什么意义呢？ “游！”他嚷道，“见鬼，贝拉，继续游。” 为什么？ 我不想再游了。我乐意待在这里，倒不是因为我觉得头晕目眩，也不是因为海水冰凉，更不是因为我四肢无力、精疲力竭，而是因为我庆幸，一切都将画上句号。比起我所面临的其他死亡方式，这是一种更舒服，更轻松，也更安宁。 我突然想起人们常说的一句话：临死前，你的一生将在你眼前闪现。我幸运的多，什么也没有看见，谁愿意看重播的情节呢？ 但是，在我放弃的时候，我看到了他！他的形象如此清晰，比以往任何一次回忆中的印象都分明。我在潜意识保留了一个完美无缺的爱德华，直到最后关头他才会出现。我望着他那张精致的脸，好像是他就在我的面前；我看着他的冰冷皮肤、他的嘴唇、他的下颌、他那双愤怒的金色眼睛。他因为我的放弃而怒气冲冲，紧紧地咬着牙齿，连鼻息都带着怒气。 “不！贝拉，不！！” 我的耳朵里灌满了冰凉的海水，但是他的声音却比任何时候都清楚。我不去管他说了些什么，全神贯注地聆听他的声音。既然我乐意待在这里，又何必挣扎求生呢？尽管我的肺急需空气，我的腿痉挛不止，但是，我很满足，我已经很久没有体会到真正的幸福了。 幸福，是它让死亡的过程不那么痛苦。 海水完全征服了我，将我猛推向一个坚硬的东西，我估摸是黑暗中的一块岩石。它像坚硬的铁棒一样狠狠地直撞到我的胸膛，仅存的一口气迅速涌出胸腔，化成了许多银色的小气泡。海水冲入我的喉咙，让人感到窒息、刺痛。那铁棒似乎在用力拽我，硬拖着我离开爱德华，深入黑暗之中，潜入大海之底。 再见了，我爱你！这是我最后的念想。
Chapter 16 Paris
AT THAT MOMENT, MY HEAD BROKE THE SURFACE.
　　How disorienting. I'd been sure I was sinking.
　　The current wouldn't let up. It was slamming me against more rocks; they beat against the center of myback sharply, rhythmically, pushing the water from my lungs. It gushed out in amazing volume, absolutetorrents pouring from my mouth and nose. The salt burned and my lungs burned and my throat was toofull of water to catch a breath and the rocks were hurting my back. Somehow I stayed in one place,though the waves still heaved around me. I couldn't see anything but water everywhere, reaching for myface.
　　"Breathe!" a voice, wild with anxiety, ordered, and I felt a cruel stab of pain wher I recognized thevoice—because it wasn't Edward's.
　　I could not obey. The waterfall pouring from my mouth didn't stop long enough for me to catch a breath.
　　The black, icy water filled my chest, burning.
　　The rock smacked into my back again, right between my shoulder blades, and another volley of waterchoked its way out of my lungs.
　　"Breathe, Bella! C'mon!" Jacob begged.
　　Black spots bloomed across my vision, getting wider and wider, blocking out the light.
　　The rock struck me again.
　　The rock wasn't cold like the water; it was hot on my skin. I realized it was Jacob's hand, trying to beatthe water from my lungs. The iron bar that had dragged me from the sea was also… warm… My headwhirled, the black spots covered everything…Was I dying again, then? I didn't like it—this wasn't as good as the last time. It was only dark now,nothing worth looking at here. The sound of the crashing waves faded into the black and became a quiet,even whoosh that sounded like it was coming from the inside of my ears…"Bella?" Jacob asked, his voice still tense, but not as wild as before. "Bells, honey, can you hear me?"The contents of my head swished and rolled sickeningly, like they'd joined the rough water…"How long has she been unconscious?" someone else asked.
　　The voice that was not Jacob's shocked me, jarred me into a more focused awareness.
　　I realized that I was still. There was no tug of the current on me—the heaving was inside my head. Thesurface under me was flat and motionless. It felt grainy against my bare arms.
　　"I don't know," Jacob reported, still frantic. His voice was very close. Hands—so warm they had to behis—brushed wet hair from my cheeks. "A few minutes? It didn't take long to tow her to the beach." The quiet whooshing inside my ears was not the waves—it was the air moving in and out of my lungsagain. Each breath burned—the passageways were as raw as if I'd scrubbed them out with steel wool.
　　But I was breathing.
　　And I was freezing. A thousand sharp, icy beads were striking my face and arms, making the cold worse.
　　"She's breathing. She'll come around. We should get her out of the cold, though. I don't like the colorshe's turning…" I recognized Sam's voice this time.
　　"You think it's okay to move her?""She didn't hurt her back or anything when she fell?""I don't know."They hesitated.
　　I tried to open my eyes. It took me a minute, but then I could see the dark, purple clouds, flinging thefreezing rain down at me. "Jake?" I croaked.
　　Jacob's face blocked out the sky. "Oh!" he gasped, relief washing over his features. His eyes were wetfrom the rain. "Oh, Bella! Are you okay? Can you hear me? Do you hurt anywhere?""J-Just m-my throat," I stuttered, my lips quivering from the cold.
　　"Let's get you out of here, then," Jacob said. He slid his arms under me and lifted me without effort—likepicking up an empty box. His chest was bare and warm; he hunched his shoulders to keep the rain off ofme. My head lolled over his arm. I stared vacantly back toward the furious water, beating the sandbehindhim.
　　"You got her?" I heard Sam ask.
　　"Yeah, I'll take it from here. Get back to the hospital. I'll join you later. Thanks, Sam."My head was still rolling. None of his words sunk in at first. Sam didn't answer. There was no sound, andI wondered if he were already gone.
　　The water licked and writhed up the sand after us as Jacob carried me away, like it was angry that I'descaped. As I stared wearily, a spark of color caught my unfocused eyes—a small flash of fire wasdancing on the black water, far out in the bay. The image made no sense, and I wondered how consciousI really was. My head swirled with the memory of the black, churning water—of being so lost that Icouldn't find up or down. So lost… but somehow Jacob…"How did you find me?" I rasped.
　　"I was searching for you," he told me. He was half-jogging through the rain, up the beach toward theroad. "I followed the tire tracks to your truck, and then I heard you scream…" He shuddered. "Whywould you jump, Bella? Didn't you notice that it's turning into a hurricane out here? Couldn't you havewaited for me?" Anger filled his tone as the relief faded.
　　"Sorry," I muttered. "It was stupid.""Yeah, it was really stupid," he agreed, drops of rain shaking free of his hair as he nodded. "Look, doyou mind saving the stupid stuff for when I'm around? I won't be able to concentrate if I think you'rejumping off cliffs behind my back." "Sure," I agreed. "No problem." I sounded like a chain-smoker. I tried to clear my throat—and thenwinced; the throat-clearing felt like stabbing a knife down there. "What happened today? Did you… findher?" It was my turn to shudder, though I wasn't so cold here, right next to his ridiculous body heat.
　　Jacob shook his head. He was still more running than walking as he headed up the road to his house.
　　"No. She took off into the water—the bloodsuckers have the advantage there. That's why I racedhome—I was afraid she was going to double back swimming. You spend so much time on the beach…"He trailed off, a catch in his throat.
　　"Sam came back with you… is everyone else home, too?" I hoped they weren't still out searching for her.
　　"Yeah. Sort of."I tried to read his expression, squinting into the hammering rain. His eyes were tight with worry or pain.
　　The words that hadn't made sense before suddenly did. "You said… hospital. Before, to Sam. Issomeone hurt? Did she fight you?" My voice jumped up an octave, sounding strange with the hoarseness.
　　"No, no. When we got back, Em was waiting with the news. It's Harry Clearwater. Harry had a heartattack this morning.""Harry?" I shook my head, trying to absorb what he was staying. "Oh, no! Does Charlie know?""Yeah. He's over there, too, with my dad.""Is Harry going to be okay?"Jacob's eyes tightened again. "It doesn't look so great right now."Abruptly, I felt really sick with guilt—felt truly horrible about the brainless cliff dive. Nobody needed tobe worrying about me right now. What a stupid time to be reckless.
　　"What can I do?" I asked.
　　At that moment the rain stopped. I hadn't realized we were already back to Jacob's house until hewalked through the door. The storm pounded against the roof.
　　"You can stay here," Jacob said as he dumped me on the short couch. "I mean it—right here I'll get yousome dry clothes."I let my eyes adjust to the dark room while Jacob banged around in his bedroom. The cramped frontroom seemed so empty without Billy, almost desolate. It was strangely ominous—probably just becauseI knew where he was.
　　Jacob was back in seconds. He threw a pile of gray cotton at me. "These will be huge on you, but it's thebest I've got. I'll, er, step outside so you can change.""Don't go anywhere. I'm too tired to move yet. Just stay with me."Jacob sat on the floor next to me, his back against the couch. I wondered when he'd slept last. Helooked as exhausted as I felt.
　　He leaned his head on the cushion next to mine and yawned. "Guess I could rest for a minute…"His eyes closed. I let mine slide shut, too.
　　 Poor Harry. Poor Sue. I knew Charlie was going to be beside himself. Harry was one of his best friends.
　　Despite Jake's negative take on things, I hoped fervently that Harry would pull through. For Charlie'ssake. For Sue's and Leah's and Seth's…Billy's sofa was right next to the radiator, and I was warm now, despite my soaked clothes. My lungsached in a way that pushed me toward unconsciousness rather than keeping me awake. I wonderedvaguely if it was wrong to sleep… or was I getting drowning mixed up with concussions… ? Jacobbegan softly snoring, and the sound of it soothed like a lullaby. I fell asleep quickly.
　　For the first time in a very long time, my dream was just a normal dream. Just a blurred wanderingthrough old memories—blinding bright visions of the Phoenix sun, my mother's face, a ramshackle treehouse, a faded quilt, a wall of mirrors, a flame on the black water… I forgot each of them as soon as thepicture changed.
　　The last picture was the only one that stuck in my head. It was meaningless—just a set on a stage. Abalcony at night, a painted moon hanging in the sky. I watched the girl in her nightdress lean on the railingand talk to herself.
　　Meaningless… but when I slowly struggled back to consciousness, Juliet was on my mind.
　　Jacob was still asleep; he'd slumped down to the floor and his breathing was deep and even. The housewas darker now than before, it was black outside the window. I was stiff, but warm and almost dry. Theinside of my throat burned with every breath I took.
　　I was going to have to get up—at least to get a drink. But my body just wanted tc he here limp, to nevermove again.
　　Instead of moving, I thought about Juliet some more.
　　I wondered what she would have done if Romeo had left her, not because he was banished, but becausehe lost interests What if Rosalind had given him the time of day, and he'd changed his mind? What if,instead of marrying Juliet, he'd just disappeared?
　　I thought I knew how Juliet would feel.
　　She wouldn't go back to her old life, not really. She wouldn't ever have moved on, I was sure of that.
　　Even if she'd lived until she was old and gray, every time she closed her eyes, it would have beenRomeo's face she saw behind her lids. She would have accepted that, eventually.
　　I wondered if she would have married Paris in the end, just to please her parents, to keep the peace. No,probably not, I decided. But then, the story didn't say much about Paris. He was just a stick figure—aplaceholder, a threat, a deadline to force her hand.
　　What if there were more to Paris?
　　What if Paris had been Juliet's friend? Her very best friend? What if he was the only one she couldconfide in about the whole devastating thing with Romeo? The one person who really understood her andmade her feel halfway human again? What if he was patient and kind? What if he took care of her? Whatif Juliet knew she couldn't survive without him? What if he really loved her, and wanted her to be happy?
　　And… what if she loved Paris? Not like Romeo. Nothing like that, of course. But enough that shewanted him to be happy, too?
　　Jacob's slow, deep breathing was the only sound in the room—like a lullaby hummed to a child, like the whisper of a rocking chair, like the ticking of an old clock when you had nowhere you needed to go…Itwas the sound of comfort.
　　If Romeo was really gone, never coming back, would it have mattered whether or not Juliet had takenParis up on his offer? Maybe she should have tried to settle into the leftover scraps of life that were leftbehind. Maybe that would have been as close to happiness as she could get.
　　I sighed, and then groaned when the sigh scraped my throat. I was reading too much into the story.
　　Romeo wouldn't change his mind. That's why people still remembered his name, always twined with hers:
　　Romeo and Juliet. That's why it was a good story. "Juliet gets dumped and ends up with Paris" wouldhave never been a hit.
　　I closed my eyes and drifted again, letting my mind wander away from the stupid play I didn't want tothink about anymore. I thought about reality instead—about jumping off the cliff and what a brainlessmistake that had been. And not just the cliff, but the motorcycles and the whole irresponsible EvelKnievel bit. What if something bad happened to me? What would that do to Charlie? Harry's heartattack had pushed everything suddenly into perspective for me. Perspective that I didn't want to see,because—if I admitted to the truth of it—it would mean that I would have to change my ways. Could Ilive like that?
　　Maybe. It wouldn't be easy; in fact, it would be downright miserable to give up my hallucinations and tryto be a grown-up. But maybe I should do it. And maybe I could. If I had Jacob.
　　I couldn't make that decision right now. It hurt too much. I'd think about something else.
　　Images from my ill-considered afternoon stunt rolled through my head while I tried to come up withsomething pleasant to think about… the feel of the air as I fell, the blackness of the water, the thrashing ofthe current… Edward's face… I lingered there for a long time. Jacob's warm hands, trying to beat lifeback into me… the stinging rain flung down by the purple clouds… the strange fire on the waves…There was something familiar about that flash of color on top of the water. Of course it couldn't really befire—My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a car squelching through the mud on the road outside. Iheard it stop in front of the house, and doors started opening and closing. I thought about sitting up, andthen decided against that idea.
　　Billy's voice was easily identifiable, but he kept it uncharacteristically low, so that it was only a gravellygrumble.
　　The door opened, and the light flicked on. I blinked, momentarily blind. Jake startled awake, gasping andjumping to his feet.
　　"Sorry," Billy grunted. "Did we wake you?"My eyes slowly focused on his face, and then, as I could read his expression, they filled with tears.
　　"Oh, no, Billy!" I moaned.
　　He nodded slowly, his expression hard with grief. Jake hurried to his father and took one of his hands.
　　The pain made his face suddenly childlike—it looked odd on top of the man's body.
　　Sam was right behind Billy, pushing his chair through the door. His normal composure was absent fromhis agonized face.
　　 "I'm so sorry," I whispered.
　　Billy nodded. "It's gonna be hard all around.""Where's Charlie?""Your dad is still at the hospital with Sue. There are a lot of… arrangements to be made."I swallowed hard.
　　"I'd better get back there," Sam mumbled, and he ducked hastily out the door.
　　Billy pulled his hand away from Jacob, and then he rolled himself through the kitchen toward his room.
　　Jake stared after him for a minute, then came to sit on the floor beside me again. He put his face in hishands. I rubbed his shoulder, wishing I could think of anything to say.
　　After a long moment, Jacob caught my hand and held it to his face.
　　"How are you feeling? Are you okay? I probably should have taken you to a doctor or something." Hesighed.
　　"Don't worry about me," I croaked.
　　He twisted his head to look at me. His eyes were rimmed in red. "You don't look so good.""I don't feel so good, either, I guess.""I'll go get your truck and then take you home—you probably ought to be there when Charlie gets back.""Right."I lay listlessly on the sofa while I waited for him. Billy was silent in the other room. I felt like a peepingtorn, peering through the cracks at a private sorrow that wasn't mine.
　　It didn't take Jake long. The roar of my truck's engine broke the silence before I expected it. He helpedme up from the couch without speaking, keeping his arm around my shoulder when the cold air outsidemade me shiver. He took the driver's seat without asking, and then pulled me next to his side to keep hisarm tight around me. I leaned my head against his chest.
　　"How will you get home?" I asked.
　　"I'm not going home. We still haven't caught the bloodsucker, remember?"My next shudder had nothing to do with cold.
　　It was a quiet ride after that. The cold air had woken me up. My mind was alert, and it was working veryhard and very fast.
　　What if? What was the right thing to do?
　　I couldn't imagine my life without Jacob now—I cringed away from the idea of even trying to imaginethat. Somehow, he'd become essential to my survival. But to leave things the way they were… was thatcruel, as Mike had accused?
　　I remembered wishing that Jacob were my brother. I realized now that all I really wanted was a claim on him. It didn't feel brotherly when he held me like this. It just felt nice—warm and comforting and familiar.
　　Safe. Jacob was a safe harbor.
　　I could stake a claim. I had that much within my power.
　　I'd have to tell him everything, I knew that. It was the only way to be fair. I'd have to explain it right, sothat he'd know I wasn't settling, that he was much too good for me. He already knew I was broken, thatpart wouldn't surprise him, but he'd need to know the extent of it. I'd even have to admit that I wascrazy—explain about the voices I heard. He'd need to know everything before he made a decision.
　　But, even as I recognized that necessity, I knew he would take me in spite of it all. He wouldn't evenpause to think it through.
　　I would have to commit to this—commit as much of me as there was left, every one of the brokenpieces. It was the only way to be fair to him. Would I? Could I?
　　Would it be so wrong to try to make Jacob happy? Even if the love I felt for him was no more than aweak echo of what I was capable of, even if my heart was far away, wandering and grieving after myfickle Romeo, would it be so very wrong?
　　Jacob stopped the truck in front of my dark house, cutting the engine so it was suddenly silent. Like somany other times, he seemed to be in tune with my thoughts now.
　　He threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his cheat, binding me to him. Again, this felt nice.
　　Almost like being a whole person again.
　　I thought he would be thinking of Harry, but then he spoke, and his tone was apologetic. "Sorry. Iknow you don't feel exactly the way I do, Bella. I swear I don't mind. I'm just so glad you're okay that Icould sing—and that's something no one wants to hear." He laughed his throaty laugh in my ear.
　　My breathing kicked up a notch, sanding the walls of my throat.
　　Wouldn't Edward, indifferent as he might be, want me to be as happy as possible under thecircumstances? Wouldn't enough friendly emotion linger for him to want that much for me? I thought hewould. He wouldn't begrudge me this: giving just a small bit of love he didn't want to my friend Jacob.
　　After all, it wasn't the same love at all.
　　Jake pressed his warm cheek against the top of my hair.
　　If I turned my face to the side—if I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder... I knew without any doubtwhat would follow. It would be very easy. There would be no need for explanations tonight.
　　But could I do it? Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life?
　　Butterflies assaulted my stomach as I thought of turning my head.
　　And then, as clearly as if I were in immediate danger, Edward's velvet voice whispered in my ear.
　　"Be happy," he told me.
　　I froze.
　　Jacob felt me stiffen and released me automatically, reaching for the door.
　　Wait, I wanted to say. Just a minute. But I was still locked in place, listening to the echo of Edward's voice in my head.
　　Storm-cooled air blew through the cab of the truck.
　　"OH!" The breath whooshed out of Jacob like someone had punched him in the gut. "Holy crap!"He slammed the door and twisted the keys in the ignition at the same moment. His hands were shakingso hard I didn't know how he managed it.
　　"What's wrong?"He revved the engine too fast; it sputtered and faltered.
　　"Vampire," he spit out.
　　The blood rushed from my head and left me dizzy. "How do you know?""Because I can smell it. Dammit!"Jacob's eyes were wild, raking the dark street. He barely seemed aware of the tremors that were rollingthrough his body. "Phase or get her out of here?" he hissed at himself.
　　He looked down at me for a split second, taking in my horror-struck eyes and white face, and then hewas scanning the street again. "Right. Get you out."The engine caught with a roar. The tires squealed as he spun the truck around, turning toward our onlyescape. The headlights washed across the pavement, lit the front line of the black forest, and finallyglinted off a car parked across the street from my house.
　　"Stop!" I gasped.
　　It was a black car—a car I knew. I might be the furthest thing from an autophile, but I could tell youeverything about that particular car. It was a Mercedes S55 AMG. I knew the horsepower and the colorof the interior. I knew the feel of the powerful engine purring through the frame. I knew the rich smell ofthe leather seats and the way the extra-dark tint made noon look like dusk through those windows.
　　It was Carlisle's car.
　　"Stop!" I cried again, louder this time, because Jacob was gunning the truck down the street.
　　"What?!""It's not Victoria. Stop, stop! I want to go back."He stomped on the brake so hard I had to catch myself against the dashboard.
　　"What?" he asked again, aghast. He stared at me with horror in his eyes.
　　"It's Carlisle's car! It's the Cullens. I know it."He watched dawn break across my face, and a violent tremor rocked his frame.
　　"Hey, calm down, Jake. It's okay. No danger, see? Relax.""Yeah, calm," he panted, putting his head down and closing his eyes. While he concentrated on notexploding into a wolf, I stared out the back window at the black car.
　　 It was just Carlisle, I told myself. Don't expect anything more. Maybe Esme… Stop right there, I toldmyself. Just Carlisle. That was plenty. More than I'd ever hoped to have again.
　　"There's a vampire in your house," Jacob hissed. "And you want to go back?"I glanced at him, ripping my unwilling eyes off the Mercedes—terrified that it would disappear the secondI looked away.
　　"Of course," I said, my voice blank with surprise at his question. Of course I wanted to go back.
　　Jacob's face hardened while I stared at him, congealing into the bitter mask that I'd thought was gone forgood. Just before he had the mask in place, I caught the spasm of betrayal that flashed in his eyes. Hishands were still shaking. He looked ten years older than me.
　　He took a deep breath. "You're sure it's not a trick?" he asked in a slow, heavy voice.
　　"It's not a trick. It's Carlisle. Take me back!"A shudder rippled through his wide shoulders, but his eyes were flat and emotionless. "No.""Jake, it's okay—""No. Take yourself back, Bella." His voice was a slap—I flinched as the sound of it struck me. His jawclenched and unclenched.
　　"Look, Bella," he said in the same hard voice. "I can't go back. Treaty or no treaty, that's my enemy inthere.""It's not like that—""I have to tell Sam right away. This changes things. We can't be caught on their territory.""Jake, it's not a war!"He didn't listen. He put the truck in neutral and jumped out the door, leaving it running.
　　"Bye, Bella," he called back over his shoulder. "I really hope you don't die." He sprinted into thedarkness, shaking so hard that his shape seemed blurred; he disappeared before I could open my mouthto call him back.
　　Remorse pinned me against the seat for one long second. What had I just done to Jacob'?
　　But remorse couldn't hold me very long.
　　I slid across the seat and put the truck back in drive. My hands were shaking almost as hard as Jake'shad been, and this took a minute of concentration. Then I carefully turned the truck around and drove itback to my house.
　　It was very dark when I turned off the headlights. Charlie had left in such a hurry that he'd forgotten toleave the porch lamp on. I felt a pang of doubt, staring at the house, deep in shadow. What if it was atrick?
　　I looked back at the black car, almost invisible in the night. No. I knew that car.
　　Still, my hands were shaking even worse than before as I reached for the key above the door. When I grabbed the doorknob to unlock it, it twisted easily under my hand. I let the door fall open. The hallwaywas black.
　　I wanted to call out a greeting, but my throat was too dry. I couldn't quite seem to catch my breath.
　　I took a step inside and fumbled for the light switch. It was so black—like the black water… Where wasthat switch?
　　Just like the black water, with the orange flame flickering impossibly on top of it. Flame that couldn't be afire, but what then… ? My fingers traced the wall, still searching, still shaking—Suddenly, something Jacob had told me this afternoon echoed in my head, finally sinking in… She tookoff into the water, he'd said. The bloodsuckers have the advantage there. That's why I raced home—I was afraid she was going to double back swimming.
　　My hand froze in its searching, my whole body froze into place, as I realized why I recognized thestrange orange color on the water.
　　Victoria's hair, blowing wild in the wind, the color of fire…She'd been right there. Right there in the harbor with me and Jacob. If Sam hadn't been there, if it hadbeen just the two of us… ? I couldn't breathe or move.
　　The light flicked on, though my frozen hand had still not found the switch.
　　I blinked into the sudden light, and saw that someone was there, waiting for me.16  帕里斯 
 
就在这个时候，我的头冒出了水面。 多么不可思议啊，我一直确信自己是在下沉。 海水一刻也不停歇，将我推向更多的岩石，一块块的岩石猛烈而有节奏地直撞我的后背，把我肺里的水击了出来。大量的海水如湍流般从我的嘴巴和鼻子里涌了出来。海盐刺激着我的嘴鼻，肺里火烧火燎，喉咙被水堵住简直不能换气，岩石还在不停地撞击我的后背。尽管周围波浪起伏，我却停留在原地。除了朝我拍打过来的海水，我什么也看不见。 “呼吸！”一个急切、焦虑的声音命令道。我认出了这个声音，心里感到一阵刺痛——因为这不是爱德华的声音..... 我没法照他说的做，从我嘴里源源不断流出的水根本不给我机会呼吸，胸腔里满是冰凉的海水。 岩石又一次猛撞我的后背，正好撞在两片肩胛骨之间，肺里的海水又涌出了许多。 “呼吸，贝拉！快！！”雅各布着急地说。 我的眼前出现了无数的黑点，它们越变越大，几乎挡住了所有的光亮。 岩石再次撞了我。 这岩石不像海水那么冰凉刺骨，它撞到我时，我感到它是热乎乎的。我这才意识到，是雅各布的手在帮我把肺里的水拍击出来。 那个拽我离开大海的铁棒也是.....热乎乎的....我一阵晕眩，黑点终于遮挡了一切..... 我是不是快要死了？我不喜欢这一回的感觉——比不上刚才那一回。眼前黑漆漆的一片，没有什么可以看，没有什么值得看。轰鸣的海浪声渐渐消失于黑暗之中，变成了宁静的、轻柔的流水声，这声音似乎是从我耳朵里发出来的..... “贝拉？”雅各布叫道，他的声音还是那么焦虑，但没有先前那么急切，“贝尔！亲爱的，能听见我说话吗？” 我感到天旋地转，脑袋里就像注入了汹涌的海水一样翻腾着.... “她失去知觉多长时间了？”另一个人问道。 这个不属于雅各布的声音让我一惊，我的神志逐渐清醒。 我这才意识到自己是静止不动的，没有海水推动我——有波涛起伏的感觉是因为我头晕目眩。身下是平展的、静止的地面，我的胳膊能触到地面上的沙砾。 “我不知道。”雅各布着急地回答，他的声音如此之近，有一双手——这么温暖的手一定是他的——抚开了我脸颊上的湿发，“几分钟吧？把她拖上岸没花多长时间” 之前听见的宁静的流水声并不是海浪发出的声音——是我大口地呼气、吸气的声音。每一次呼吸都是煎熬——呼吸道像是被钢丝绒摩擦过一样皮破肉绽，接触到空气就是一阵揪心的刺痛，但至少我能呼吸了。 我浑身冰凉，刺骨的冰雨从天而降，击打着我的脸和手臂，真是雪上加霜。 “她在呼吸，她会醒过来的。我们不能让她待在这么冷的地方，她的脸色有些吓人.....”这一次我认出了山姆的声音。 “你觉得可以移动她吗？” “她跳下来的时候有没有伤到背或者其他什么地方？” “我不知道。” 他们犹豫了片刻。 我试图睁开眼睛，费了好大的劲总算成功。我看见暗紫色的云层向我投来无数冰冷的雨滴。“杰克？”我低哑地说。 雅各布的脸立即出现在我眼前。“噢！”他喘着粗气，如释重负，他的眼角挂着雨水，“哦，贝拉！！你还好吗？能听见我说话吗？有没有哪里受伤？” “只有——我的——喉咙。”我结结巴巴地说道，嘴唇瑟瑟发抖。 “我们带你离开里?rdquo;雅各布说道。他把胳膊伸到我背下，轻轻地将我抱了起来——就像抬起一个空箱子。他赤着的胸膛十分温暖；他耸着肩，为我挡住雨水。我没精打采地将头倚靠在他的手臂上，茫然地盯着汹涌的海水，看着海水冲击他身后的沙滩。 “好了吗？”我听到山姆问道。 “好了，这里交给我吧。你回医院去，我过了一会儿到那里找你。谢谢，山姆。” 我的脑袋里还是一阵眩晕，完全不理解他在说些什么。山姆没有回答，周围一点声响也没有，我想他可能已经走了。 雅各布抱着我离开，海水卷起了我们身后的沙石，似乎因为我的逃脱而怒气冲冲。我疲乏地盯着海面，一点亮色吸引了我游离的目光——在海湾深处，黑色的海水之上跳跃着一团红色的火焰。这个景象简直不合常理，我怀疑自己仍处在神志不清的状态。我的脑海里想的尽是漆黑、翻滚的海水——还是那个迷失方向、不分上下的我，我迷失在深海中......但是，雅各布却能..... “你是怎样找到我的？”我嘶哑地问道。 “我有线索，”他说道，他抱着我在雨中一路小跑，沿着海滩朝大路跑去，“我跟着轮胎印找到了你的小卡车，然后听到了你的尖叫......” 他身子一抖，“你为什么要跳呢，贝拉？你没有发现暴风雨来了吗？难道你就不能等等我？”他的语气显得有些恼怒，如释重负后的轻松感消失不见了。 “对不起，”我小声说道，“我太蠢了。” “对，确实蠢。”他点点头赞同道，头发上的雨水滴落下来，“你能不能等我在你身边的时候再做这些蠢事？如果知道你会背着我跳悬崖，我根本没法集中精神干自己的事情。” “当然，”我满口答应，“没问题。听上去我就像一个嗓音沙哑的烟鬼，我清了清嗓子——立马露出痛苦的表情，似乎有把匕首插入了喉咙，“今天发生了什么事？你们......找到她了吗？”尽管紧挨着他温暖的身体，我并不觉得太冷，但一提到这件事，我还是忍不住打了个寒噤。 雅各布摇了摇头。我们到了大路上，他仍然朝着他家慢跑。“没有，她逃到海里了——吸血鬼在水里比较有优势。这是我赶回来的原因——我担心她会游上岸，而你总是待在海滩边....”他的声音越来越小，喉咙有些哽咽。 “山姆和你一起回来的.....其他人也都到家了吗？”我不希望他们还在外面搜寻她。 “对，也许吧。” 我在雨中眯缝着眼睛，仔细观察着他的表情，他的眼神中充满忧愁和痛苦。 我突然间明白了刚才没有理解的那些话。“你说过......医院，刚才对山姆说的。有人受伤了吗？他和你们搏斗了？”我的嗓音徒然抬高了八度，再加上喉咙的嘶哑声，听上去怪怪的。 “不，没有。山姆和我回来的时候，恩布里在家里等着告诉我们一个消息。是哈里·克里尔沃特在医院，哈里今天早上心脏病发作。” “哈里？”我摇了摇头，不愿相信他的话是真的，“噢，不！查理知道了吗？”“知道了，他和我爸爸都在医院。” “哈里不会有事吧？” 雅各布的眼神又流露出一丝犹豫：“现在的情况很不妙。” 突然间，我的内心充满了负罪感——为了愚蠢的悬崖跳水而深感内疚。这个时侯大家担心的人不应该是我，我在不恰当的时间做了不恰当的事情。 “我可以做些什么？”我问道。 这时，雨停了。直到雅各布穿过屋子的大门，我才意识到我们已经回到他家，暴风雨仍在猛烈地击打着屋顶。 “你可以待在这里，”雅各布边说边把我放在沙发上，“我不是开玩笑——就待在这里，我去给你拿些干衣服。” 雅各布在卧室里粗手粗脚地找着衣服，我让眼睛逐渐适应屋里的黑暗。比利不在，狭小的客厅显得空荡荡的，甚至有些荒凉，似乎带着什么不详的预兆——也许是因为知道他在医院里，我才会有这种感觉。 雅各布很快回到客厅，他扔给我一堆灰色的衣服。“你穿肯定太大，但这些是我能找到的最好的了。 我，嗯，出去一下，这样你可以换衣服。” “那里也别去，我现在太累，还不想换，和我待在一起。” 雅各布在我身旁的地板上坐下，背倚靠着沙发。我怀疑他很长时间没睡过觉，他看上去疲惫不堪。 他把头靠在我旁边的坐垫上，打了个哈欠：“也许我可以休息一下.....” 他闭上眼睛，我也合上眼睛。 可怜的哈里，可怜的苏。我想，查理一定会受不了，哈里是他最要好的朋友之一。尽管杰克已经作了消极的判断，我仍迫切地希望哈里能恢复健康。为了查理，为了苏，为了莉亚和赛思..... 比利家的沙发正靠近电暖炉，我觉得暖和多了，虽然衣服还是湿漉漉的。我的肺疼痛不已，这种疼痛让我一直处于半睡半醒的状态，而不是令我保持清醒。也许现在不应该睡觉.....难道溺水造成的脑震荡？雅各布开始轻轻地打鼾，他的鼾声像温柔的摇篮曲抚慰人心，我很快便进入梦乡。 很长一段日子里，我都没有做过这样一个平平常常的梦，仅仅是模糊地回忆往事片段——凤凰城耀眼的阳光、妈妈的脸庞、摇摇欲坠的树上小屋、褪了色的被褥、挂满镜子的墙壁、黑色海水上的火焰.....每一个景象都转瞬即逝，我一个也没记住。 唯一留在我脑海中的是最后一个景象，它毫无意义——只是个舞台布景。深夜的阳台，一轮描画的圆月挂在天空，我看见一个女孩儿穿着睡衣倚靠在阳台栏杆上，自言自语地说着话。 毫无意义.....但是，当我渐渐回过神来的时候，我的脑中闪现朱丽叶这个名字。 雅各布还在熟睡，他整个人倒在地板上，呼吸均匀而有力。屋子里比刚才更暗了，窗外也是一片漆黑。我身子僵硬，但却觉得温暖。衣服差不多快干了。我每吸一口气，喉咙里就像是被火灼烧。 应该起身走走——至少去拿杯水喝。但是，我的身体只希望毫不费力地躺着，再也不想动弹。 我们有起身，而是又想起了朱丽叶。 如果罗密欧离开了她，不是因为被放逐他乡，而是因为对她失去了兴趣，朱丽叶又会怎样呢？如果罗莎琳德对他痴心不改，他们俩重修旧好，朱丽叶会怎样呢？如果他没有娶朱丽叶，而是从此消失不见，朱丽叶又会怎样呢？ 我想，我完全明白朱丽叶的感受。 她不可能再回到从前的生活，恐怕再也不能了。她不可能再开始正常的生活，我对此确信无疑。即使她一直活到年迈体衰、两鬓霜白的年纪，每当她合上双眼，她一定还会看到罗密欧的脸庞，她最终会接受这个事实。 她会不会为了取悦父母、维持和睦而嫁给了帕里斯。不会，不太会，我这样猜想着，可是，故事并没有过多地讲述帕里斯。他只是个配角——是一个仗势欺人、危险分子，也是她的死敌。 但是，如果帕里斯是另外一个人呢？ 如果帕里斯是朱丽叶的朋友呢？如果他是她最好的朋友？如果他是她唯一的倾诉对象，能倾听她诉说罗密欧的一切？如果他是她唯一的知己，能帮助她点燃重生的希望？如果他既耐心又友善？如果他保护着她？如果朱丽叶发现自己离开他就无法生存？如果他真心深爱她，衷心希望她幸福快乐呢？ 还有......如果她也爱帕里斯？当然不是像爱着罗密欧那样，但是，这份爱足以令她也由衷地企盼他幸福快乐？ 
屋子里只有雅各布舒缓、有力的呼吸声——像哼唱给小孩子听的摇篮曲，像摇椅的轻摇声，像老钟不紧不慢地滴答声......这声音听上去让人心安神宁。 如果罗密欧走了，再也不回来，朱丽叶是否接受帕里斯还重要吗？也许她应该试着习惯没有他的日子，重新开始正常的生活。也许只有这样，她才能得到最大的幸福。 我叹了口气，叹息又刺痛了喉咙，我忍不住痛苦地呻吟。我完全曲解了故事情节，罗密欧永远都不会变心，正因如此，人们才会记住他的名字，才会将他们两个人的名字成双的摆在一起：罗密欧与朱丽叶，这才是值得千古传唱的动人故事。“朱丽叶被抛弃，与帕里斯终成眷属”一定不可能成为热门的戏剧。 我闭上眼睛，又开始浮想联翩。我不再去想那出毫无意义的戏剧，而是回到现实之中——我想到了跳崖这件事，多么愚蠢错误啊。不知是跳崖，还有骑摩托，还有所有不负责任的冒失行为。如果我出了事怎么办？查理怎么办？哈利的心脏病发作突然让我把一切事情看得透彻。而这种透彻不是我想要的，因为——如果我接受了它——这就意味着我不得不改变现在的生活状态，但是，我真的能改变吗？ 也许能。虽然改变不是那么容易，实际上，放弃幻想、学会成熟对于我来说简直是痛苦的煎熬。但是，也许我应该试试，也许我能做到，只要有雅各布陪着我。 这个问题实在令人苦恼，我现在没法做出决定。于是，我又回想起其他事。 我想回忆一些令人愉快的画面，但是，下午惊心动魄的场面一直在我脑海中挥散不去.....坠落时空气的阻力、一片漆黑的海底、汹涌的海水....爱德华的脸庞.....我舍不得把思绪从他身上移开。雅各布温暖的双手，拼命地把我从死亡线上拉回来....紫色云层投射下来的刺骨的雨滴.....海面上奇怪的火焰.... 海面上的这点光亮似曾相识，当然，它不可能真是火焰.... 屋外传来汽车的声音，我回过神来。我听见车在屋前停了下来，接着传来开关车门的声音。我想坐起来，但很快打消了这个念头。 
我一下子认出了比利的说话声，但他的声音压得很低，听上去沙哑而阴郁。 大门开了，灯亮起来。我眨了眨眼，被光亮照得视线模糊。杰克惊跳起来，喘着粗气。 “抱歉，”比利深沉地说，“吵醒你们了吧？” 我盯着他的脸，渐渐读懂了他脸上的表情，我的眼睛顿时被泪水浸湿。 “噢！不，比利！！”我呜咽着。 他慢慢地点点头，神情悲伤痛苦。杰克赶快朝父亲走去，握住了他的双手。因为伤心至极，老人的脸看上去像个孩子——脸庞和身体似乎不属于同一个人。 山姆站在比利的身后，推着轮椅穿过大门。他以往镇定的脸色全然消失，只留下痛苦的表情。 “真叫人难过。”我轻声说道。 比利点点头：“所有人都会觉得难以忍受。” “查理呢？” “你父亲在医院陪着苏，还有好多.....事情要安排。” 我说不出话来。 “我回医院去了。”山姆低声说，匆匆朝门外走去。 比利从雅各布手中抽出双手，转动着轮椅穿过厨房，进了他的房间。 杰克盯着他的背影看了许久，接着又回到我身旁的地板坐下。他用手捂着脸，我轻抚他的肩膀，想找些话来说却又开不了口。 过了很长时间，雅各布抓着我的手，抚上他的脸庞。 “你感觉怎么样？还好吗？也许该带你去看医生。”他叹了口气。 “别为我担心。”我的声音嘶哑。 他扭过头看着我，眼眶红红的：“你看上去不太舒服。” “我的确觉得不太舒服。”  “我开车送你回家——等查理回去了，最好能有你陪陪他。” “对。” 我无神地躺着沙发上，等他去开我那辆小卡车。比利在房间里一声不响，我仿佛是个偷窥者，从裂缝中偷看别人的心事，偷看不属于我的伤心事。 杰克很快就把车开了出来，小卡车发动机的响声打破了沉寂。他将我从沙发上扶起来，什么也没说。他的胳膊搂着我的肩膀，门外的寒气让我瑟瑟发抖。他主动坐到驾驶座上，拉我紧挨着他，胳膊依旧紧紧地搂着我，我的头倚靠在他的胸膛。 “你待会儿怎么回家？”我问道。 “我不回家了，我们还没抓到那个吸血鬼，不是吗？” 我浑身一阵颤抖，这次绝不是因为寒冷。 一路上我们都很安静。冰凉的空气令我睡意全无，我的头脑格外清醒，努力而快速地思考问题。 怎么办？我应该怎么办？ 我无法想象失去雅各布的生活，甚至连想象到这一点都让我心寒。他已经成为我生命中不可或缺的一部分。但是，继续保持这样的关系是不是.....太残忍了，就像迈克指责的那样？ 我记得我曾希望雅各布是我的兄长。如今我意识到，我所要做的是向他表明我的真实想法。他这样搂着我的时候一点不像是兄长。我觉得这个样子很舒服——温暖、安宁、熟悉，还有安全，雅各布是安全的庇护所。 我可以表明一切，我应该这样做。 我得告诉他我的感受，这样才算对他公平。我得对他好好解释，这样他才会明白我不适合他，我远远配不上他。他已经知道我受过伤，但他不了解这伤的有多深。我得向他承认我有些疯狂——因为我总能听到某个人的声音，我必须在他做出决定之前表明这一切。 尽管我觉得有这个必要，但我确信，不管我说什么，他都会接受我，他会毫不犹豫地接受我。 但我得坚持向他表明一切——将这样一个残缺不全的我毫无掩饰地展现给他，这是唯一对他公平的方式。我会这样做吗？我能这样做吗？  
为什么我这么希望雅各布幸福快乐呢？我对他的爱丝毫比不上先前付出的爱，我的心仍在远处游荡，痛苦地追随着我的那个狠心的罗密欧。为什么我还这么希望雅各布幸福快乐呢？ 雅各布在黑漆漆的房子前停了车，四周突然安静下来，跟从前一样，他似乎又一次读懂了我的心思。 他的另一只胳膊也揽住了我，将我紧紧地拥在他胸前，似乎要把我和他黏在一起。这种感觉一如既往的舒服，我好像又恢复为一个完整无缺的人。 我以为他在想哈里的事，但他开口说话时，语气里满是歉意：“对不起，我知道你和我的感受不同，贝尔。我发誓，我不介意。我只是非常高兴你愿意听我唱歌——而其他人根本不愿意听。”我的耳边响起他独有的笑声。 我的呼吸加快，喉咙里像有千万颗沙砾摩擦。 爱德华会不会希望我此时此刻陶醉于幸福感之中呢？我们之间尚存的一点朋友情谊足不足以让他如此希望呢？我想他会的。他不可能妒忌：他只不过是把自己不想要的一点点爱送给我的朋友雅各布。况且，这份爱已不同与从前。 杰克暖暖的脸紧贴我的头发。 如果我转过脸——如果我的双唇触到他赤裸的肩膀....我完全清楚接下来会发生什么事。一切都将自然而然地发生，不需要任何理由，不需要任何解释。（妈妈的！雅各布你个混蛋，要是你敢碰我们的小贝拉一下，我就砍下你的狼爪，爱德~~你在哪啊~~） 但是，我会这样做吗？尽管我不是全心全意，但为了拯救自己可悲的生活，我会这样做吗？ 我心神不宁地犹豫着要不要转过头去。   就在这时，爱德华温柔的声音在我耳边响起，同我遇到危险时听到的声音一样清晰分明。 “享受幸福吧。”他对我说。 我愣住了。 雅各布察觉到我的身体变得僵硬，不由自主地松开胳膊，伸手去开车门。 等等！我想说，等一会儿！但是，我什么也没说，一动不动地坐在那里，脑袋里回响着爱德华的声音。 一阵暴风雨过后的冷风吹进了驾驶室。 “噢！”雅各布猛地吐出一口气，就好像有人在他肚子打了一拳，“真见鬼！” 他呯的关上车门，使劲地拧着点火开关上的车钥匙。他的双手抖动得厉害，我简直不相信他用这双手拧动了钥匙。 “怎么了？” 他加速过快，引擎噼啪作响，车身跟着抖动了几个。 “吸血鬼。”他狠狠地说。 我的脑袋里一片空白，整个人觉得头晕目眩：“你怎么知道的？” “我闻得到！该死！” 雅各布的眼神充满杀气，他扫视着车前黑暗的道路，一点都没有意识到他的身子颤动的厉害。“变身还是带她离开这里？”他低声地自言自语。 他转过头迅速地看了我一眼，发现了我惊恐的双眼和惨白的脸色，他又调过头去扫视着前方的道路。“对，带你离开。” 他猛踩油门，发动机听上去像是在怒号。他调转车头，轮胎摩擦地面发出刺耳的声响。车灯的光柱一直从公路延伸到黑压压的森林，最后落在了一辆小轿车身上，它就停在我家门口的马路对面。 “停车！”我喘着粗气喊道。 这是一辆黑色的车——我认识这辆车。我绝不是个车迷，但是我对这部车了如指掌。这是梅赛德斯S55 AMG型，我熟悉它的马力和车内的颜色；我熟悉它强大引擎的振动声；我熟悉它皮座椅的浓浓气味；我熟悉它车窗的暗色，让白天看上去都像是傍晚。 这时卡莱尔的车！ “停车！”我又喊道，声音比刚才更大，因为雅各布正不顾一切地朝前方驶去。
“什么？！” “不是维多利亚。停车，停车！我要回去！！” 他用力踩住刹车，我牢牢地抵住仪表板，才不至于让整个身子冲向前去。 “你说什么？”我惊讶地问道，直勾勾地盯着我，眼神中充满恐惧。 “是卡莱尔的车！是卡伦一家人！我认得。” 他看着我如梦初醒的样子，浑身剧烈地颤动着。 “嘿，镇定下来，杰克。没事，没有危险，明白吗？放轻松。” “是的，镇定！”他气喘吁吁地说，低下头闭上了眼睛。当他努力克制自己不变身为狼的时候，我朝车窗外那辆黑色的轿车望去。 只有卡莱尔而已，我对自己说，别指望还有其他人。也许还有埃斯梅....别再往下想了！！我警告自己。只有卡莱尔而已，这已经足够了，已经超越了我的预想。 “你家里有个吸血鬼，”雅各布不满地说，“你却想回去？” 我看了看他，极不情愿地将视线从梅赛德斯身上挪开——生怕我一看向别处，它就消失不见了。 “当然。”我答道，对他提出的质疑我一点也不觉得奇怪，我当然想回去。 我盯着雅各布，他的表情变得僵硬，那种带有敌意的神情有凝结在他的脸上，我还以为再也不会看到这种样子的他，我发现他的眼神中闪过一丝遭人背叛的痛楚。他的双手仍在不停的颤抖，整个人看上去老了十几岁。 他深吸一口气，“你确定这不是个圈套？”他用低沉的声音问道。 “这不是圈套，是卡莱尔，带我回去！” 他宽厚的双肩猛地抖动，但他的眼神却冷淡、漠然：“不！” “杰克，没事.....” “不。你自己回去吧，贝拉。”他的话如此冷酷无情——我的身子向后退缩，仿佛被他的话击中，他用力地咬着牙齿又松开。 “你知道的，贝拉，”他的声音一点也没变，“我不能回去。不管条约里怎么规定，他们都是我们的敌人。” “不是这样的.....” “我得马上通知山姆，情况有变，我们不能在他们的地盘上出没。” “杰克，这不是战争！” 他不理睬我，把换挡器挂到空挡，跳出车门，跑着离开。 
再见，贝拉。”他回过头喊道，“我真希望你不会死。”他冲进了森林黑暗深处，身子抖动得如此剧烈，甚至连背影都变得模糊，我还没来得及叫他，他就已经消失得无影无踪。 我呆坐在车里，深感内疚，我刚才对雅各布做了些什么啊？ 但是，我没时间自责下去了。 我还到驾驶座上，发动了小卡车。我的双手就同杰克的一样抖动着，过了好久我才镇定下来。我小心翼翼地跳转车头，朝家里开去。 我熄灭车灯后，四周一片漆黑。查理走的时候太匆忙了，忘记打开走廊的灯。我迟疑地盯着黑暗中的房子，如果这是个圈套怎么办？ 我又回过头看了一眼那辆黑色的车，它几乎隐匿在夜色之中。不，我认得这部车。 但是，当我伸手去取门框上的钥匙时，双手忍不住又抖了起来。我握住门把，轻轻一扭便打开了大门。我没有关门，门道里黑糊糊的。 我想打个招呼，但是嗓子又干又痛，我连大气都不敢喘一下。 我向屋里走了一步，摸索着电灯开关。屋里真黑——就像海底一样黑......开关究竟在哪儿呢？ 黑漆漆的海水，海面上还不可思议地跳跃着红色的光亮，那光亮不可能是火，那会是.....我的手指沿着墙壁摸索着，依旧抖动不止—— 突然间，今天下午雅各布对我说的一段话在脑海中回响，变得越来越清晰....她逃到海里了，他说，吸血鬼在水里比较有优势，这是我赶回来的原因——我担心他会游上岸。 我的手停住了，整个身子呆立在那里，我明白为什么我会觉得海面上奇怪的红色光亮很眼熟了。 维多利亚的头发，被风吹散，火一般的颜色..... 她当时就在那里。她就在海湾，同我和雅各布在一起。如果山姆不在那儿，如果只有我和雅各布两个人.....我觉得呼吸困难、四肢僵硬。 灯亮了，尽管我麻木的手指根本没有摸到开关。 在徒然出现的灯光下，我眨了眨眼睛，看见了那个一直在等待着我的人。
Chapter 17 Visitor
UNNATURALLY STILL AND WHITE, WITH LARGE BLACK EYES intent on my face, my visitorwaited perfectly motionless in the center of the halt, beautiful beyond imagining.
　　My knees trembled for a second, and I nearly fell. Then I hurled myself at her.
　　"Alice, oh, Alice!" I cried, as I slammed into her.
　　I'd forgotten how hard she was; it was like running headlong into a wall of cement.
　　"Bella?" There was a strange mingling of relief and confusion in her voice.
　　I locked my arms around her, gasping to inhale as much of the scent of her skin as possible. It wasn't likeanything else—not floral or spice, citrus or musk. No perfume in the world could compare. My memoryhadn't done it justice.
　　I didn't notice when the gasping turned into something else—I only realized I was sobbing when Alicedragged me to the living room couch and pulled me into her lap. It was like curling up into a cool stone,but a stone that was contoured comfortingly to the shape of my body. She rubbed my back in a gentlerhythm, waiting for me to get control of myself.
　　"I'm… sorry," I blubbered. "I'm just… so happy… to see you!""It's okay, Bella. Everything's okay." "Yes," I bawled. And, for once, it seemed that way.
　　Alice sighed. "I'd forgotten how exuberant you are," she said, and her tone was disapproving.
　　I looked up at her through my streaming eyes. Alice's neck was tight, straining away from me, her lipspressed together firmly. Her eyes were black as pitch.
　　"Oh," I puffed, as I realized the problem. She was thirsty. And I smelled appetizing. It had been a whilesince I'd had to think about that kind of thing. "Sorry.""It's my own fault. It's been too long since I hunted. I shouldn't let myself get so thirsty. But I was in ahurry today." The look she directed at me then was a glare. "Speaking of which, would you like toexplain to me how you're alive?"That brought me up short and stopped the sobs. I realized what must have happened immediately, andwhy Alice was here.
　　I swallowed loudly. "You saw me fall.""No," she disagreed, her eyes narrowing. "I saw you jump."I pursed my lips as I tried to think of an explanation that wouldn't sound nuts.
　　Alice shook her head. "I told him this would happen, but he didn't believe me. 'Bella promised,'" hervoice imitated his so perfectly that I iroze in shock while the pain ripped through my torso. "'Don't belooking for her future, either,'" she continued to quote him. '"We've done enough damage.""But just because I'm not looking, doesn't mean I don't see" she went on. "I wasn't keeping tabs on you,I swear, Bella. It's just that I'm alreacy attuned to you… when I saw you jumping, I didn't think, I just goton a plane. I knew I would be too late, but I couldn't do nothing. And then I get here, thinking maybe Icould help Charlie somehow, and you drive up." She shook her head, this time in confusion. Her voicewas strained. "I saw you go into the water and I waited and waited for you to come up, but you didn't.
　　What happened? And how could you do that to Charlie? Did you stop to think what this would do tohim? And my brother? Do you have any idea what Edward—"I cut her off then, as soon as she said his name. I'd let her go on, even after I realized themisunderstanding she was under, just to hear the perfect bell tone of her voice. But it was time tointerrupt.
　　"Alice, I wasn't committing suicide."She eyed me dubiously. "Are you saying you didn't jump off a cliff?""No, but…" I grimaced. "It was for recreational purposes only."Her expression hardened.
　　"I'd seen some of Jacob's friends cliff diving," I insisted. "It looked like… fun, and I was bored…"She waited.
　　"I didn't think about how the storm would affect the currents. Actually, I didn't think about the watermuch at all."Alice didn't buy it. I could see that she still thought I had been trying to kill myself. I decided to redirect.
　　 "So if you saw me go in, why didn't you see Jacob?"She cocked her head to the side, distracted.
　　I continued. "It's true that I probably would have drowned if Jacob hadn't jumped in after me. Well,okay, there's no probably about it. But he did, and he pulled me out, and I guess he towed me back toshore, though I was kind of out for that part. It couldn't have been more than a minute that I was underbefore he grabbed me. How come you didn't see that?"She frowned in perplexity. "Someone pulled you out?""Yes. Jacob saved me."I watched curiously as an enigmatic range of emotions flitted across her face. Something was botheringher—her imperfect vision? But I wasn't sure. Then she deliberately leaned in and sniffed my shoulder.
　　I froze.
　　"Don't be ridiculous," she muttered, sniffing at me some more.
　　"What are you doing?"She ignored my question. "Who was with you out there just now? It sounded like you were arguing.""Jacob Black. He's… sort of my best friend, I guess. At least, he was…" I thought of Jacob's angry,betrayed face, and wondered what he was to me now.
　　Alice nodded, seeming preoccupied.
　　"What?""I don't know," she said. "I'm not sure what it means.""Well, I'm not dead, at least."She rolled her eyes. "He was a fool to think you could survive alone. I've never seen anyone so prone tolife-threatening idiocy.""I survived," I pointed out.
　　She was thinking of something else. "So, if the currents were too much for you, how did this Jacobmanage?""Jacob is… strong."She heard the reluctance in my voice, and her eyebrows rose.
　　I gnawed on my lip for a second. Was this a secret, or not? And if it was, then who was my greatestallegiance to? Jacob, or Alice?
　　It was too hard to keep secrets, I decided. Jacob knew everything, why not Alice, too?
　　"See, well, he's… sort of a werewolf," I admitted in a rush. "The Quileutes turn into wolves when thereare vampires around. They know Carlisle from a long time ago. Were you with Carlisle back then?"Alice gawked at me for a moment, and then recovered herself, blinking rapidly. "Well, I guess that explains the smell," she muttered. "But does it explain what I didn't see?" She frowned, her porcelainforehead creasing.
　　"The smell?" I repeated.
　　"You smell awful," she said absently, still frowning. "A werewolf? Are you sure about that?""Very sure," I promised, wincing as I remembered Paul and Jacob fighting in the road. "I guess youweren't with Carlisle the last time there were werewolves here in Forks?""No. I hadn't found him yet." Alice was still lost in thought. Suddenly, her eyes widened, and she turnedto stare at me with a shocked expression. "Your best friend is a werewolf?"I nodded sheepishly.
　　"How long has this been going on?""Not long," I said, my voice sounding defensive. "He's only been a werewolf for just a few weeks."She glowered at me. "A young werewolf? Even worse! Edward was right—you're a magnet for danger.
　　Weren't you supposed to be staying out of trouble?""There's nothing wrong with werewolves," I grumbled, stung by her critical tone.
　　"Until they lose their tempers." She shook her head sharply from side to side. "Leave it to you, Bella.
　　Anyone else would be better off when the vampires left town. But you have to start hanging out with thefirst monsters you can find."I didn't want to argue with Alice—I was still trembling with joy that she was really, truly here, that I couldtouch her marble skin and hear her wind-chime voice—but she had it all wrong.
　　"No, Alice, the vampires didn't really leave—not all of them, anyway. That's the whole trouble. If itweren't for the werewolves, Victoria would have gotten me by now. Well, if it weren't for Jake and hisfriends, Laurent would have gotten me before she could, I guess, so—""Victoria?" she hissed. "Laurent?"I nodded, a teensy bit alarmed by the expression in her black eyes. I pointed at my chest. "Dangermagnet, remember?"She shook her head again. "Tell me everything—start at the beginning."I glossed over the beginning, skipping the motorcycles and the voices, but telling her everything else rightup to today's misadventure. Alice didn't like my thin explanation about boredom and the cliffs, so Ihurried on to the strange flame I'd seen on the water and what I thought it meant. Her eyes narrowedalmost to slits at that part. It was strange to see her look so… so dangerous—like a vampire. Iswallowed hard and went on with the rest about Harry.
　　She listened to my story without interrupting. Occasionally, she would shake her head, and the crease inher forehead deepened until it looked like it was carved permanently into the marble of her skin. Shedidn't speak and, finally, I fell quiet, struck again by the borrowed grief at Harry's passing. I thought ofCharlie; he would be home soon. What condition would he be in?
　　"Our leaving didn't do you any good at all, did it?" Alice murmured.
　　 I laughed once—it was a slightly hysterical sound. "That was never the point, though, was it? It's not likeyou left for my benefit."Alice scowled at the floor for a moment. "Well… I guess I acted impulsively today. I probably shouldn'thave intruded."I could feel the blood draining from my face. My stomach dropped. "Don't go, Alice," I whispered. Myfingers locked around the collar of her white shirt and I began to hyperventilate. "Please don't leave me."Her eyes opened wider. "All right," she said, enunciating each word with slow precision. "I'm not goinganywhere tonight. Take a deep breath."I tried to obey, though I couldn't quite locate my lungs.
　　She watched my face while I concentrated on my breathing. She waited till I was calmer to comment.
　　"You look like hell, Bella.""I drowned today," I reminded her.
　　"It goes deeper than that. You're a mess."I flinched. "Look, I'm doing my best.""What do you mean?""It hasn't been easy. I'm working on it."She frowned. "I told him," she said to herself.
　　"Alice," I sighed. "What did you think you were going to find? I mean, besides me dead? Did you expectto find me skipping around and whistling show tunes? You know me better than that.""I do. But I hoped.""Then I guess I don't have the corner on the idiocy market."The phone rang.
　　"That has to be Charlie," I said, staggering to my feet. I grabbed Alice's stone hand and dragged her withme to the kitchen. I wasn't about to let her out of my sight.
　　"Charlie?" I answered the phone.
　　"No, it's me," Jacob said.
　　"Jake!"Alice scrutinized my expression.
　　"Just making sure you were still alive," Jacob said sourly.
　　"I'm fine. I told you that it wasn't—""Yeah. I got it. 'Bye." Jacob hung up on me.
　　I sighed and let my head hang back, staring at the ceiling. "That's going to be a problem."Alice squeezed my hand. "They aren't excited I'm here.""Not especially. But it's none of their business anyway."Alice put her arm around me. "So what do we do now?" she mused. She seemed to talk to herself for amoment. "Things to do. Loose ends to tie.""What things to do?"Her face was suddenly careful. "I don't know for sure… I need to see Carlisle."Would she leave so soon? My stomach dropped.
　　"Could you stay?" I begged. "Please? For just a little while. I've missed you so much." My voice broke.
　　"If you think that's a good idea." Her eyes were unhappy.
　　"I do. You can stay here—Charlie would love that.""I have a house, Bella."I nodded, disappointed but resigned. She hesitated, studying me.
　　"Well, I need to go get a suitcase of clothes, at the very least."I threw my arms around her. "Alice, you're the best!""And I think I'll need to hunt. Immediately," she added in a strained voice.
　　"Oops." I took a step back.
　　"Can you stay out of trouble for one hour?" she asked skeptically. Then, before I could answer, she heldup one finger and closed her eyes. Her face went smooth and blank for a few seconds.
　　And then her eyes opened and she answered her own question. "Yes, you'll be fine. For tonight,anyway." She grimaced. Even making faces, she looked like an angel.
　　"You'll come back?" I asked in a small voice.
　　"I promise—one hour."I glanced at the clock over the kitchen table. She laughed and leaned in quickly to kiss me on the cheek.
　　Then she was gone.
　　I took a deep breath. Alice would be back. I suddenly felt so much better.
　　I had plenty to do to keep myself busy while I waited. A shower was definitely first on the agenda. Isniffed my shoulders as I undressed, but I couldn't smell anything but the brine and seaweed scent of theocean. I wondered what Alice had meant about me smelling bad.
　　When I was cleaned up, I went back to the kitchen. I couldn't see any signs that Charlie 'lad eatenrecently, and he would probably be hungry when he got back. I hummed tunelessly to myself as I moved around the kitchen.
　　While Thursday's casserole rotated in the microwave, I made up the couch with sheets and an old pillow.
　　Alice wouldn't need it, but Charlie would need to see it. I was careful not to watch the clock. There wasno reason to start myself panicking; Alice had promised.
　　I hurried through my dinner, not tasting it—just feeling the ache as it slid down my raw throat. Mostly Iwas thirsty; I must have drunk a half gallon of water by the time I was finished. All the salt in my systemhad dehydrated me.
　　I went to go try to watch TV while I waited.
　　Alice was already there, sitting on her improvised bed. Her eyes were a liquid butterscotch. She smiledand patted the pillow. "Thanks.""You're early," I said, elated.
　　I sat down next to her and leaned my head on her shoulder. She put her cold arms around me andsighed.
　　"Bella. What are we going to do with you?""I don't know," I admitted. "I really have been trying my hardest.""I believe you."It was silent.
　　"Does—does he…" I took a deep breath. It was harder to say his name out loud, even though I wasable to think it now. "Does Edward know you're here?" I couldn't help asking. It was my pain, after all.
　　I'd deal with it when she was gone, I promised myself, and felt sick at the thought.
　　"No."There was only one way that could be true. "He's not with Carlisle and Esme?""He checks in every few months.""Oh." He must still be out enjoying his distractions. I focused my curiosity on a safer topic. "You said youflew here… Where did you come from?""I was in Denali. Visiting Tanya's family.""Is Jasper here? Did he come with your'"She shook her head. "He didn't approve of my interfering. We promised…" she trailed off, and then hertone changed. "And you think Charlie won't mind my being here?" she asked, sounding worried.
　　"Charlie thinks you're wonderful, Alice.""Well, we're about to find out."Sure enough, a few seconds later I heard the cruiser pull into the driveway. I jumped up and hurried toopen the door.
　　Charlie trudged slowly up the walk, his eyes on the ground and his shoulders slumped. I walked forward to meet him; he didn't even see me until I hugged him around the waist. He embraced me back fiercely.
　　"I'm so sorry about Harry, Dad.""I'm really going to miss him," Charlie mumbled.
　　"How's Sue doing?""She seems dazed, like she hasn't grasped it yet. Sam's staying with her…" The volume of his voice fadedin and out. "Those poor kids. Leah's just a year older than you, and Seth is only fourteen…" He shookhis head.
　　He kept his arms tight around me as he started toward the door again.
　　"Um, Dad?" I figured I'd better warn him. "You'll never guess who's here."He looked at me blankly. His head swiveled around, and he spied the Mercedes across the street, theporch light reflecting off the glossy black paint. Before he could react, Alice was in the doorway.
　　"Hi, Charlie," she said in a subdued voice. "I'm sorry I came at such a bad time.""Alice Cullen?" he peered at the slight figure in front of him as if he doubted what his eyes were tellinghim. "Alice, is that you?""It's me," she confirmed. "I was in the neighborhood.""Is Carlisle…?""No, I'm alone."Both Alice and I knew he wasn't really asking about Carlisle. His arm tightened over my shoulder.
　　"She can stay here, can't she?" I pleaded. "I already asked her.""Of course," Charlie said mechanically. "We'd love to have you, Alice.""Thank you, Charlie. I know it's horrid timing.""No, it's fine, really. I'm going to be really busy doing what I can for Harry's family; it will be nice forBella to have some company.""There's dinner for you on the table, Dad," I told him.
　　"Thanks, Bell." He gave me one more squeeze before he shuffled toward the kitchen.
　　Alice went back to the couch, and I followed her. This time, she was the one to pull me against hershoulder.
　　"You look tired.""Yeah," I agreed, and shrugged. "Near-death experiences do that to me… So, what does Carlisle thinkof you being here?""He doesn't know. He and Esme were on a hunting trip. I'll hear from him in a few days, when he getsback." "You won't tell him, though… when he checks in again?" I asked. She knew I didn't mean Carlisle now.
　　"No. He'd bite my head off," Alice said grimly.
　　I laughed once, and then sighed.
　　I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to stay up all night talking to Alice. And it didn't make sense for me to betired, what with crashing on Jacob's couch all day. But drowning really had taken a lot out of me, and myeyes wouldn't stay open. I rested my head on her stone shoulder, and drifted into a more peacefuloblivion than I had any hope of.
　　I woke early, from a deep and dreamless sleep, feeling well-rested, but stiff. I was on the couch tuckedunder the blankets I'd laid out for Alice, and I could hear her and Charlie talking in the kitchen. Itsounded like Charlie was fixing her breakfast.
　　"How bad was it, Charlie?" Alice asked softly, and at first I thought they were talking about theClearwaters.
　　Charlie sighed. "Real bad.""Tell me about it. I want to know exactly what happened when we left."There was a pause while a cupboard door was closed and a dial on the stove was clicked off. I waited,cringing.
　　"I've never felt so helpless," Charlie began slowly. "I didn't know what to do. That first week—I thought Iwas going to have to hospitalize her. She wouldn't eat or drink, she wouldn't move. Dr. Gerandy wasthrowing around words like 'catatonic,' but I didn't let him up to see her. I was afraid it would scare her.""She snapped out of it though?""I had Renee come to take her to Florida. I just didn't want to be the one… if she had to go to a hospitalor something. I hoped being with her mother would help. But when we started packing her clothes, shewoke up with a vengeance. I've never seen Bella throw a fit like that. She was never one for thetantrums, but, boy, did she fly into a fury. She threw her clothes everywhere and screamed that wecouldn't make her leave—and then she finally started crying. I thought that would be the turning point. Ididn't argue when she insisted on staying here… and she did seem to get better at first…"Charlie trailed off. It was hard listening to this, knowing how much pain I'd caused him.
　　"But?" Alice prompted.
　　"She went back to school and work, she ate and slept and did her homework. She answered whensomeone asked her a direct question. But she was… empty. Her eyes were blank. There were lots oflittle things—she wouldn't listen to music anymore; I found a bunch of CDs broken in the trash. She didn'tread; she wouldn't be in the same room when the TV was on, not that she watched it so much before. Ifinally figured it out—she was avoiding everything that might remind her of… him.
　　"We could hardly talk; I was so worried about saying something that would upset her—the littlest thingswould make her flinch—and she never volunteered anything. She would just answer if I asked hersomething.
　　"She was alone all the time. She didn't call her friends back, and after a while, they stopped calling.
　　 "It was night of the living dead around here. I still hear her screaming in her sleep…"I could almost see him shuddering. I shuddered, too, remembering. And then I sighed. I hadn't fooled himat all, not for one second.
　　"I'm so sorry, Charlie," Alice said, voice glum.
　　"It's not your fault." The way he said it made it perfectly clear that he was holding someone responsible.
　　"You were always a good friend to her.""She seems better now, though.""Yeah. Ever since she started hanging out with Jacob Black, I've noticed a real improvement. She hassome color in her cheeks when she comes home, some light in her eyes. She's happier." He paused, andhis voice was different when he spoke again. "He's a year or so younger than her, and I know she usedto think of him as a friend, but I think maybe it's something more now, or headed that direction, anyway."Charlie said this in a tone that was almost belligerent. It was a warning, not for Alice, but for her to passalong. "Jake's old for his years," he continued, still sounding defensive. "He's taken care of his fatherphysically the way Bella took care of her mother emotionally. It matured him. He's a good-looking kid,too—takes after his mom's side. He's good for Bella, you know," Charlie insisted.
　　"Then it's good she has him," Alice agreed.
　　Charlie sighed out a big gust of air, folding quickly to the lack of opposition. "Okay, so I guess that'soverstating things. I don't know… even with Jacob, now and then I see something in her eyes, and Iwonder if I've ever grasped how much pain she's really in It's not normal, Alice, and it… it frightens me.
　　Not normal at all. Not like someone… left her, but like someone died." His voice cracked.
　　It was like someone had died—like I had died. Because it had been more than just losing the truest oftrue loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone. It was also losing a whole future, a wholefamily—the whole life that I'd chosen…Charlie went on in a hopeless tone. "I don't know if she's going to get over it—I'm not sure if it's in hernature to heal from something like this. She's always been such a constant little thing. She doesn't get pastthings, change her mind.""She's one of a kind," Alice agreed in a dry voice.
　　"And Alice…" Charlie hesitated. "Now, you know how fond I am of you, and I can tell that she's happyto see you, but… I'm a little worried about what your visit will do to her.""So am I, Charlie, so am I. I wouldn't have come if I'd had any idea. I'm sorry.""Don't apologize, honey. Who knows? Maybe it will be good for her.""I hope you're right."There was a long break while forks scraped plates and Charlie chewed. I wondered where Alice washiding the food.
　　"Alice, I have to ask you something," Charlie said awkwardly.
　　Alice was calm. "Go ahead.""He's not coming back to visit, too, is he?" I could hear the suppressed anger in Charlie's voice.
　　 Alice answered in a soft, reassuring tone. "He doesn't even know I'm here. The last time I spoke withhim, he was in South America."I stiffened as I heard this new information, and listened harder.
　　"That's something, at least." Charlie snorted. "Well, I hope he's enjoying himself."For the first time, Alice's voice had a bit of steel in it. "I wouldn't make assumptions, Charlie." I knewhow her eyes would flash when she used that tone.
　　A chair scooted from the table, scraping loudly across the floor. I pictured Charlie getting up; there wasno way Alice would make that kind of noise. The faucet ran, splashing against a dish.
　　It didn't sound like they were going to say anything more about Edward, so I decided it was time towake up.
　　I turned over, bouncing against the springs to make them squeak. Then I yawned loudly.
　　All was quiet in the kitchen.
　　I stretched and groaned.
　　"Alice?" I asked innocently; the soreness rasping in my throat added nicely to the charade.
　　"I'm in the kitchen, Bella," Alice called, no hint in her voice that she suspected my eavesdropping. But shewas good at hiding things like that.
　　Charlie had to leave then—he was helping Sue Clearwater with the funeral arrangements. It would havebeen a very long day without Alice. She never spoke about leaving, and I didn't ask her. I knew it wasinevitable, but I put it out of my mind.
　　Instead, we talked about her family—all but one.
　　Carlisle was working nights in Ithaca and teaching part time at Cornell. Esme was restoring a seventeenthcentury house, a historical monument, in the forest north of the city. Emmett and Rosalie had gone toEurope for a few months on another honeymoon, but they were back now. Jasper was at Cornell, too,studying philosophy this time. And Alice had been doing some personal research, concerning theinformation I'd accidentally uncovered for her last spring. She'd successfully tracked down the asylumwhere she'd spent the last years of her human life. The life she had no memory of.
　　"My name was Mary Alice Brandon," she told me quietly. "I had a little sister named Cynthia. Herdaughter—my niece—is still alive in Biloxi.""Did you find out why they put you in… that place?" What would drive parents to that extreme? Even iftheir daughter saw visions of the future…She just shook her head, her topaz eyes thoughtful. "I couldn't find much about them. I went through allthe old newspapers on microfiche. My family wasn't mentioned often; they weren't part of the socialcircle that made the papers. My parents' engagement was there, and Cynthia's." The name fell uncertainlyfrom her tongue. "My birth was announced… and my death. I found my grave. I also filched myadmissions sheet from the old asylum archives. The date on the admission and the date on my tombstoneare the same."I didn't know what to say, and, after a short pause, Alice moved on to lighter topics.
　　 The Cullens were reassembled now, with the one exception, spending Cornell's spring break in Denaliwith Tanya and her family. I listened too eagerly to even the most trivial news. She never mentioned theone I was most interested in, and for that I was grateful. It was enough to listen to the stories of the familyI'd once dreamed of belonging to.
　　Charlie didn't get back until after dark, and he looked more worn than he had the night before. He wouldbe headed back to the reservation first thing in the morning for Harry's funeral, so he turned in early. Istayed on the couch with Alice again.
　　Charlie was almost a stranger when he came down the stairs before the sun was up, wearing an old suitI'd never seen him in before. The jacket hung open; I guessed it was too tight to fasten the buttons. Histie was a bit wide for the current style. He tiptoed to the door, trying not to wake us up. I let him go,pretending to sleep, as Alice did on the recliner.
　　As soon as he was out the door, Alice sat up. Under the quilt, she was fully dressed.
　　"So, what are we doing today?" she asked.
　　"I don't know—do you see anything interesting happening?"She smiled and shook her head. "But it's still early."All the time I'd been spending in La Push meant a pile of things I'd been neglecting at home, and Idecided to catch up on my chores. I wanted to do something, anything that might make life easier forCharlie—maybe it would make him feel just a little better to come home to a clean, organized house. Istarted with the bathroom—it showed the most signs of neglect.
　　While I worked, Alice leaned against the doorjamb and asked nonchalant questions about my, well, ourhigh school friends and what they been up to since she'd left. Her face stayed casual and emotionless, butI sensed her disapproval when she realized how little I could tell her. Or maybe I just had a guiltyconscience after eavesdropping on her conversation with Charlie yesterday morning.
　　I was literally up to my elbows in Comet, scrubbing the floor of the bathtub, when the doorbell rang.
　　I looked to Alice at once, and her expression was perplexed, almost worried, which was strange; Alicewas never taken by surprise.
　　"Hold on!" I shouted in the general direction of the front door, getting up and hurrying to the sink to rinsemy arms off.
　　"Bella," Alice said with a trace of frustration in her voice, "I have a fairly good guess who that might be,and I think I'd better step out.""Guess?" I echoed. Since when did Alice have to guess anything?
　　"If this is a repeat of my egregious lapse in foresight yesterday, then it's most likely Jacob Black or one ofhis… friends."I stared at her, putting it together. "You can't see werewolves?"She grimaced. "So it would seem." She was obviously annoyed by this fact—very annoyed.
　　The doorbell rang again—buzzing twice quickly and impatiently.
　　 "You don't have go anywhere, Alice. You were here first."She laughed her silvery little laugh—it had a dark edge. "Trust me—it wouldn't be a good idea to haveme and Jacob Black in a room together."She kissed my cheek swiftly before she vanished through Charlie's door—and out his back window, nodoubt.
　　The doorbell rang again.17  访客 
 
我的访客一动不动地站在门厅中央，黑色的双眸直直地盯着我的脸。她显得异乎寻常的安静而白皙，整个人美得超乎人们的想象。 有那么几秒钟，我双膝大战，险些跌倒，于是便迅速倒向她。 砰然倒向她的同时我不禁叫道：“爱丽丝，啊，爱丽丝！” 我忘了她的身体是很硬实的，碰到她就像一头撞到了水泥墙上。 “贝拉？”她开口了，声音中好似有些解脱又有些迷惑，这种混合甚是奇怪。 我双手搂着她，大口大口地喘气，贪婪地感受她的体香。她的皮肤有着特殊的香味——既不是花香、辛香，也不是柑橘或麝香。这奇香就是举世的香水亦无法比拟，比我记忆中她的香味还要美妙。 不知何时我从喘气变成了抽泣——直到爱丽丝费力地把我扶到客厅的沙发，把我的上身挪到她的大腿上时，我才意识到自己在低泣。我感觉像蜷缩在清凉的石头上，躺得很舒适，因为这石头极好地贴着我的身体，仿佛是依人赋形的。我反复轻抚着我的背，等待我冷静下来。 “我.....对不起....我只是.....见到你.....太激动了！”我一边抽噎一边说。 “没事，贝拉，一切都好啦。” “我知道。”说着便大哭起来。这一刻，一切似乎的确都好了。 爱丽丝叹了口气：“咳~我忘了你是情感多么丰富的人。”语气中有些责备的意味。 我抬起头，流泪的双眼望着爱丽丝。她直挺着脖子，离我很远，双唇紧闭，眸子像树脂一般黝黑。 “哦，”我意识到出了什么问题，紧跟着透了一口气。她很饥渴了，而我闻上去令她更有胃口。我已经有很久不用想这种事情了。“对不起。” “是我自己不好。我已经很长时间没有捕猎了。不该让自己饿到这种程度的，可我今天太匆忙了。”说着，她瞪了我一眼，问道，“说到这事，你说说你是怎么还活着的？” 这话使我一下子清醒起来，也停止了哭泣。我立刻意识到发生了什么，明白了爱丽丝问什么会在这里。 我大声说道：“你看到我跌倒了。” “不，”她眯起双眼说，“我看到你跳下去。” 我撅着嘴唇，感觉像是在努力寻找合理的解释，一个听上去不至于太蠢的解释。 爱丽丝摇摇头说：“我跟他说过这事迟早会发生，可他就是不信。‘贝拉保证过。’她在模仿他的语气，声音像极了，这突然的震动令我的血液猛然凝固了，一阵剧痛穿透全身。她又接着模仿他：“‘以后也别去找她了’，我们造成的伤害已经足够多了。” “但是我不看并不意味着我不会看见，”她继续道，“我并没有监视你，贝拉，真的，我可以发誓。和你在一起是如此和谐.....看到你跳的那一刻，我想也没想，就上了飞机。我知道一定赶不及，但是要我什么都不做，我做不到，于是我就到这儿来了，心想也许可以帮帮查理。然后我就开车回来了。”说完，她迷惑地摇摇头，声音变得焦虑起来，“看到你沉没到水里后，我就等啊等啊，等你的头冒出来，但一直没等到。发生了什么事？你怎么能这样对待查理呢？还有我哥哥？你知不知道爱德华他.....” 一提到他的名字，我就打断爱丽丝。我已经明白她其实是误会了，刚没有打断? 且蛭 不短 缌灏忝烂畹纳 簦 还 衷诓坏貌徽庋 隽恕?“爱丽丝，我没有企图自杀。” 她疑惑地瞪着我：“你是说你没有跳下悬崖？” “我是跳了，不过.....”我扮了个鬼脸，说，“只是娱乐娱乐而已。” 她的表情突然变得僵硬了。 “我以前看过雅各布的一些朋友从悬崖上跳水，”我继续解释，“看起来好像...蛮有意思的，而且我当时又有些无聊……” 她一言不发，等着我继续说。 “我并没想到暴风雨会对水流造成什么影响。事实上，我当时压根儿就没多想水的问题。” 爱丽丝不信我的话。看得出来，她还是认为我是想自杀。我决定换个角度，说：“对了，既然你看到我跳了，为什么没看到雅各布呢？” 她的头扭到一边，显得心烦意乱。 我又说：“要是雅各布没有跟着跳下去，我的确很可能会被淹死的。好吧，不是可能，是肯定会被淹死，但是他跳下去了，把我拉上来，我猜他又把我拖到了岸上，虽然那时我已经没有了知觉。从我被淹到他抓住我，最多不过一分钟，你怎么没看见这些？” 她困惑的皱着眉头，问道：“有人把你拉出来了？” “对啊，雅各布救了我。” 我好奇地看着她的脸上掠过复杂的表情和高深莫测的变化，不知是什么令她如此不安——是她不够完美的透视能力？我不能确定。这时她特意低下头来，靠近我，闻了闻我的肩膀。 我顿时僵住了。 “别这么荒唐。”她低声抱怨道，又靠近我闻了闻。 “你干吗呀？” 她没有回答我：“刚才和你在一起的是谁？听起来你们像是在争吵。” “雅各布·布莱克。他可以说是……我最好的朋友，我觉得。他至少……”我想着雅格布生气的神情，完全溢于言表的样子，不知现在他与我而言到底算是什么呢？ 爱丽丝点了点头，露出若有所思的神色。 “什么？” “我不知道，”她答道，“我不知道这意味着什么。” “这么说吧，至少我没有死。” 她眼珠子转了转，说：“他还以为你一个人可以生还，真是个傻瓜，从未见过这样致命的白痴。” “可我的确活下来啦。” 她在想别的事情：“对了，如果水流湍急，你无法应付，雅格布怎么就能应付呢？” “雅格布他……很健壮。” 她感觉到了我语气中的迟疑，眉毛向上挑了起来。 我紧抿嘴唇，脑子里在打转：这算是秘密呢还是不算？要是的话，我该对谁推心置腹，雅格布，还是爱丽丝？ 保守秘密太难了。我决定了，既然雅格布知道了一切，为什么就不能告诉爱丽丝。 “是这样的，他是……是个狼人，”我急切地说道，“如果周围有吸血鬼，奎鲁特成员就会变成狼。他们早就认识卡莱尔，你那时和卡莱尔在一起么？” 爱丽丝呆呆地盯着我，过了一会儿才回过神来。“我猜这解释了我闻不到的气味，”她自言自语地说，“但是这也解释了我没看到的一切么？”她眉头紧锁，光洁的额头皱了起来。 “气味？”我重复道。 “你身上的气味很难闻，”她心不在焉地说，眉头依然紧锁着，“狼人？你确定么？” “很确定，”我回答道，想起保罗和雅格布在路上打架的情景我情不自禁的感到畏缩，“我猜上一次狼人来到福克斯的时候你并没有和卡莱尔在一起吧？” “不在一起，我还没有找到他。”爱丽丝还是沉浸在沉思中。突然，她双眼睁大，看着我，惊讶地说,“你最好的朋友是个狼人？” 我羞怯地点点头。 “有多久了？” “他成为狼人也不过几个星期。” 她愤怒地看着我：“年轻的狼人？这样更糟！爱德华没错——你就像是引来各种危险地磁铁，不是说要你别自找麻烦吗？” 受她这一刺激，我不禁抱怨说：“狼人又没什么错。” “不错，可是狼人一发怒就是另外一回事了。”她猛烈地摇着头说，“随你了，贝拉。吸血鬼一走，这个城里其他的人都会更好，可是你就不得不和你最先能找到的怪物待在一起了。” 我不想和爱丽丝争吵——我正在为她的到来而兴奋得发抖。我很高兴她真的在身边，我可以抚摸她大理石般的皮肤，听她风铃般的声音——可是她所想的全错了。 “不，爱丽丝，吸血鬼没有真正离去——反正不是所有的都离去了，问题就在这里。要不是狼人，维多利亚这会儿保准已经抓住我了，或者说，要不是因为雅各和他的朋友，劳伦可能会抢在维多利亚之前抓住我，我觉得是这样的....” “维多利亚？”她问道，“劳伦？” 我点点头，她黑色的双眼中透露的神情令我有点儿吃惊。我指了指自己，说：“我会吸引危险的大磁铁，没忘吧？” 她又摇摇头，说：“告诉我这一切——从头说起。” 我掩盖了开头，省去了摩托车和各种声音的那段，但是之后直到今天的一切都一五一十告诉她了。爱丽丝对我说无聊和到悬崖边这些轻描淡写的解释很不满意，所以我就急着告诉她在水上看到了奇怪的火苗以及我以为那意味着什么。听到这里，她眼睛几乎眯成了一条线。她这个样子很怪......很危险的样子——像个吸血鬼。我努力压制着自己的感情，继续讲述我经历的折磨。 她一言不发地听我讲述，偶尔她会摇摇头，额头一直深锁着，直到后来，她的额头看上去就像大理石似的皮肤上刻了几道痕一样。她没有说话，最后我感到安静了，又一次为哈里的去世感到难过。我想起了卡莱尔，他很快就会回家了，不知他的境况怎样？ “我们离开你对你一点好处也没有，对吗？”爱丽丝含糊地问。 我笑了——这笑稍微有点儿歇斯底里的味道：“关键不在这里，对吗？这和你为我好而离开不一样。” 
爱丽丝板着脸盯着地板，过了一会儿说：“咳，我觉得自己今天行事有些冲动，也许我不该介入的。” 我感觉到自己脸上的血液仿佛被抽干了，胃部有向下跌落的感觉。“别走，爱丽丝，”我轻声地说道，我的手指紧急抓住她白衬衣的领子，呼吸开始加快，“求你，别离开我。” 她双眼睁大了，“好吧，”她说，然后一字一顿地说，“今晚我哪儿也不去。你深呼吸一下。” 我想按她说的去做，可这会儿却好像找不着肺部在哪儿似的。 我集中注意力在呼吸，这时她紧盯着我，直到我情绪稳定下来才开始说话。 “你神情很糟，贝拉。” “我今天险些被淹死了。”我提醒她。 “不止这个，你看上去比这个还糟。” 我开始感觉有些退缩了：“你瞧，我这不是在努力嘛。” 她皱了皱眉，自言自语地说：“我告诉过他的。” “爱丽丝，”我叹了口气，“你以为你会发现什么？我是说，除了发现我死了还有什么？你期待我会上蹿下跳。吹口哨表演？你知道我不是那样的。” “我知道，但我本来是期待的。” “这么说来我不是唯一的傻瓜。” 电话铃响了。 “一定是查理。”说着，我摇摇摆摆地站了起来，抓住爱丽丝石头般冰冷的手，拖着她和我一起到了厨房。我不能让她离开我的视线。 “查理？”我接着电话。 “不，是我。”雅各布说。 “雅各！” 爱丽丝挑剔地审视着我的表情。 “就是打个电话确认一下你还没死。”雅各布坏坏地说。 “我没事，我告诉过你不是....” “恩，明白了，再见。” 雅各布挂了我的电话。 我叹了口气，仰起头，望着天花板。“这会出问题的。” 爱丽丝握紧我的手说：“我来了，他们并不兴奋。” “不是特别兴奋，不过这本身也和他们无多大关系。” 爱丽丝一手揽着我，若有所思地问：“咱们现在干什么呢？”她似乎在自言自语，：“有事要做，还有很多没处理完。” “什么事要做？” 她的脸色突然变得小心翼翼：“我也不确定.....我必须见见卡莱尔。” 她这么快就要走？我的胃开始有向下跌落的感觉。 “你能留下来吗？”我请求道，“求你？就一会儿嘛。我一直很想念你。”我的声音开始变得断断续续。 “你要是觉得这主意不错，我就留下来吧。”她的双眼露出不快的神情。 “我觉得不错。你可以待在这里——查理一定会喜欢的。” “我有房子，贝拉。” 我点点头，虽有些失望，不过也不再强求，她犹豫地看着我。 “不过，我至少得回去拿一箱子衣服过来吧。” 我一把抱住她：“爱丽丝你是最好的人！” “还有我觉得必须马上觅食。”她声音中略带压抑。 “哦。”我退了一步。 “给我一小时吧？”她疑惑地问。我还没来得及作答，只见她举起一个手指，闭上眼睛。有几秒钟，她的脸变得很光滑而毫无表情。 然后她睁开眼睛，回答着自己的问题：“好吧，你会没事的，无论如何，至少今晚不会有事的。”她皱了皱眉，甚至向我做鬼脸，看起来像个天使。 “你会回来吗？”我小声问道。 “我发誓——一个小时。” 我看了一眼厨房里的钟。她笑了起来，靠近我迅速地亲了一下，然后离开了。 我深吸了一口气，想着爱丽丝会回来的，感觉好多了。 等她的这段时间里，我必须让自己忙起来，首先得冲个澡。我脱下衣服，闻了闻自己的肩膀，只闻到盐水和海藻的味道，不知道爱丽丝所我身上很难闻是指什么。 冲凉后我回到厨房，厨房的迹象表明查理最近没怎么吃东西。我一边哼着不成调的音乐，一边在厨房里走动。 我把星期四的培盘食物放进微波炉里加热，把沙发铺上垫单，放了个旧枕头。爱丽丝倒用不着这个，但是查理得看看。我小心翼翼地保持着不去看钟，免得让自己惊慌，爱丽丝保证过会回来的。 很快吃完了饭，没什么胃口——只是感觉到吞下食物时喉咙里很痛。最主要是口渴，到饭吃完的时候，我喝了足有半加仑的水，是体内的盐分引起了严重脱水。 我尝试着在等候的时候看看电视。 爱丽丝已经到了，坐在为她临时准备的床上，双眸像液体的奶油糖果。她拍拍枕头说：“谢谢。” “你早到了。”我兴高采烈地说。 我在她身边坐下，头靠在她肩膀上。她用冰冷的手臂挽着我，叹了口气。 “贝拉，我们该对你怎么办呢？” “我不知道，”我老实说道，“我真的很努力地尝试过了。” “我相信你。” 我们沉默了。 “他——他是不是.....”我深吸了口气。虽然此刻我已经能想起来了，但是要叫出他的名字很困难。“爱德华是不是知道你在这儿？”我忍不住问道，毕竟这是我心中永远的痛。我对自己承诺说等她走了，我会解决这个问题，想到这个我又有些不舒服了。 “不知道。” 那么只有一种可能了：“他没有和卡莱尔和埃斯梅在一起？” “他每几个月回来一次。” “哦。”他一定还在外面享受他的生活，我转向另外一个更安全的问题，“你说你是飞过来的.....从哪儿飞来的呢？” “从德纳利过来的，我在那儿拜访坦尼娅一家。” “贾斯帕在这儿吗？他没和你一块儿来吗？” 她摇摇头：“他不赞成我介入。我们发过誓.....”说到这儿，她声音逐渐变小，然后一改口吻，“你觉得查理不介意我在这儿吗？”她略带担忧地问道。 “查理觉得你很棒呢，爱丽丝。” “这个嘛，我们得慢慢看了再说呢。” 几秒钟之后，我听到摩托艇停靠在车道上的声音，跳了起来，去开门。 查理迈着沉重的步子慢慢走过来，双眼看着地面，肩膀无力地耸拉着。我走上前去迎接他，直到我抱住了他的腰他才注意到我，然后猛烈地抱住了我。 “哈里的事我很难过，爸爸。” “我会很想念他的。”查理轻声说。 “苏怎么样？” “她有些茫然，好像还没有接受事情的真相。山姆陪着她......”他的声音忽大忽小，“那些可怜的孩子，利亚比你大一岁，赛斯只有十四岁.....”他一边说一边摇摇头。说着，我们又向门口走去，他搂紧了我。 “对了，爸爸？”我想最好先给他打打预防针，“你怎么也想不到谁在这里呢。” 他面无表情地看看我，转过头去，看到街对面的奔驰车。走廊上的灯反射出黑色汽车的光亮。他还来不及做出反应，爱丽丝已经站在门口了。 “嗨，查理，”她用柔和的声音说道，“不好意思，我来得不是时候。” “爱丽丝·卡伦？”他眯起眼看着面前的人，似乎不确定自己的眼睛，“爱丽丝，是你吗？” “是我，”她说，“我从附近过来的。”
“卡莱尔他.....” “不，我是一个人来的。” 我和爱丽丝都明白其实他想问的不是卡莱尔，他的手臂把我搂得更紧了。 “她可以待在这里，是不是？”我央求道，“我已经跟她说了。” “当然可以，”查理机械地答道，“我们很高兴你能来，爱丽丝。” “谢谢，查理，我知道这个时侯不太适合。” “不，没关系，真的。接下来，我会很忙，要尽量为哈里家做些力所能及的事，贝拉有你做伴很好。” “桌子给你留了饭，爸爸。”我说。 “谢谢，贝拉。”说着，他又搂了搂我，然后向厨房走去。 爱丽丝回到沙发上，我跟着她走过去。这次是她主动揽着我。让我把头靠在她的肩膀上。 “你看上去有些累。” “是啊，”我答道，耸耸肩，“是因为在死亡边界挣扎所致.....对了，卡莱尔知道你来是什么态度？” “他不知道，他和埃斯梅一起去捕食旅行了。等到他几天后回来，应该能收到他的信。” “你不会告诉他.....不过要是他过来呢？”我问道，她知道我说的这个“他”不是指卡莱尔。 “不，他非得把我杀掉不可。”爱丽丝害怕地说道。 我不禁笑了，然后叹了口气。 我不想睡觉，想这样整晚和爱丽丝聊天。整天坐在雅各布的沙发上当然不会累，但是险些被淹死的经历的确令我精疲力尽，我的双眼已经睁不开了。我靠在她冰冷的肩膀上，头脑不再思考，享受着最美好的寂静。 我睡得很好，没有做梦，早早地醒来了，睡得很满足，只是身体有些僵硬了。我睡在铺着毯子，原本准备给爱丽丝用的沙发上，听到她和查理在厨房聊天，好像查理在给她准备早餐。 “情况到底有多坏，查理？”爱丽丝温和地问道。一开始我以为他们是在谈论克里尔沃特家族。 查理叹了口气：“情况很糟糕。” “告诉我吧，我想知道我们走后到底发生了什么。” 这时我听到关橱柜的声音和微波炉的计时表走动的声音，他们的谈话暂停了。我在等待，心里有些害怕。 “我从未觉得这么无助，”查理慢慢说道，“当时我不知该怎么办。第一个星期——我觉得必须送她到医院里去。她不吃不喝，也不走动。杰兰迪医生说是‘紧张性精神症’，但是我没让他来看她，我怕会吓到她。” “不过她振作起来了？” “我让蕾妮带她去佛罗里达，我不希望自己.....如果她不得不去医院或者发生什么别的事情。我希望和她母亲在一起会好一些。但是我们开始打点衣服行装时，她醒过来了，很愤怒。我从未见过贝拉这样大发脾气。她从来不发脾气，但是天哪，她那天非常生气，她把衣服扔了一地，说我们无论如何也不能让她离开——最后她开始哭泣，我想这是个转折点。既然她希望待在这里，我也不和她争执，一开始，她看上去的确好起来了.....” 查理降低了声音，听到他说这些，我很难过，因为我知道自己给他带来了巨大的痛苦。 “但是？”爱丽丝问道。 “她回到学校去读书，吃饭、睡觉、上学、做功课。别人问她直接的问题时，她会回答。但是她....内心很空洞。她的眼神很空泛。还有很多细节——她不再听音乐了，在垃圾箱里我发现了很多被破坏的CD；她不再看书了；不再待在开着电视的房间，不像以前一样喜欢看电视了。最后我意识到——她是在尽量回避任何可能令自己想到他的事情。 “我们几乎无话可说，我很担心说错话令她难过——一点小事就可能令她退缩——她也从未主动和我聊起什么。只有我问到时，她才回答。 她一直很孤独，不给朋友打电话，有一阵子根本就不打电话。夜晚更是空寂，我还记得她夜里睡梦中哭喊的声音.....” 我几乎能看到他在战栗，想起这些，我自己也在战栗，然后我叹了口气。事实上，我根本就骗不过他的眼睛，一点也骗不过。 “真抱歉，查理。”爱丽丝忧伤地说道。 “这不是你的错。”他说话的语气暗含着肯定有某个人该对这事负责任的意思，“你一直是她的好朋友。” “不过她现在看来好多了。” “是好多了，自从她开始和雅各布·布莱克约会以来，我注意到她真的好多了。她回到家里，脸上又有了喜色，眼睛开始又有了生气，变得更快乐了。”他停顿了一下，声音略微有些变化，“他比她小一岁的样子，我知道她原本一直当他是朋友，但是现在可能不单是朋友了，或者无论怎么说，是朝那个方向发展的。”查理几乎是带着防御的意味说出这些的。这是个警告，不是给爱丽丝的，而是希望爱丽丝传达给某人的，“雅各布比他的年纪更显老，”他继续用带着防备的语气说道，“他在生活上照顾着他的父亲，就像是贝拉在心理上照顾她的母亲一样，这是他变得成熟。他长得很帅气——像他母亲。他很配贝拉，你明白的。” “那么她和他在一起很好。”爱丽丝表示同意。 查理长长地叹了口气，由于爱丽丝没有反对，很快说道：“的确，我有些言过其实了。我不太确定.....即便是和雅各布在一起，我还是常常看到她的眼神中有着特殊的神情，我可能从来没有体味到她经历的痛苦。这不同寻常，爱丽丝，这.....这令我感到害怕。根本不正常，不像是某人.....离开了她，而像是这个人死去了。”他的声音有点儿失控了。不错，我曾经的确感觉像是某个人死了——像我自己死了。这种感觉不单单是对真爱失去信心了，这好像还不足以置人于死地。这种感觉是好像失去了整个未来，整个家庭——失去了我所选择的整个人生..... 查理继续绝望地说道：“我不知道她是否能挺过来——不知道依她的性格，是否可以从这样的痛苦中走出来。她一直是个坚定不移的小家伙，不能忘却过去，不会改变想法。” “她的确是这种人。”爱丽丝应答道，声音有些干涩。 “爱丽丝.....”查理犹豫了一下，“现在你知道我对你很有好感，我也相信她很高兴见到你....不过我有些担心你来这里会对她产生影响。” “我也有同样的担心，查理。我要是知道情况是这样也不会来的，抱歉。” “亲爱的，别说抱歉的话。谁知道呢，说不定会带来好的影响呢。” “但愿如此。” 接着只有他们用餐的刀叉声和查理吃东西的声音，我在想不知爱丽丝把食物藏在哪里了。 “爱丽丝，我想问你点事情。”查理笨拙地说。 爱丽丝很镇定：“你说吧。” “他不会也来这里吧？”我能听出查理语气中压抑着的气愤。 爱丽丝柔和地、肯定地回答：“他甚至不知道我在这里。我最近一次和他聊天时，他在南美。” 听到这个消息，我顿时僵住了，努力听他们下面说什么。 “这样倒好，”查理哼着鼻子说，“当然了，我希望他开心。” 这时，爱丽丝的语气变得更坚定了：“这个我倒不作想当然的猜测，查理。”我能想象她用这种语气时，眼睛一眨一眨的样子。 我听到一把椅子被迅速移开，和地面摩擦，发出刺耳的声音。我想是查理站了起来，爱丽丝不可能弄出这样的声音。接着听到自来水龙头打开了，冲洗着盘子。 看来他们不会继续讨论爱德华了，于是我决定起床。 
我翻了个身，用身体敲打着沙发的弹簧，弹簧发出尖锐的嘎吱声，然后我大声打了个哈欠。厨房里很安静。我伸了个懒腰，喉咙里发出轻轻的声音。“爱丽丝？”我假装什么也没听到，叫着她的名字，声音有些干涩，正好伪装成刚醒来的样子。“我在厨房，贝拉。”爱丽丝叫道，一点也没有怀疑我听到他们的谈话，不过她隐瞒这些事情很有一套的。查理不得不走了——他要帮助苏·克里尔沃特安排葬礼的事情。要不是爱丽丝在这里，今天对我而言又是漫长的一天。她一直未说要离开，我也没问她。我知道她离开是必然的，但是不愿去想它。我们倒是聊起了她家——除了一个人，其他所有人都聊到了。卡莱尔在伊萨卡岛上夜班，同时在科内尔兼职做教师。埃斯梅正在修缮一幢十七世纪的房子，是座历史纪念馆，在城北的森林区。埃美特和罗莎莉又去欧洲度另一个蜜月，去了几个月，已经回来了。贾斯帕也在科内尔，在那儿修哲学课程。爱丽丝一直在作个人研究，研究我去年春天碰巧告诉她的事情。她很幸运找到了那个庇护所，她曾经在那里度过了人生的最后几年，但那段生活她已经没有记忆了。“我叫玛丽·爱丽丝·布兰登，”她很快告诉我，“有个妹妹叫辛西亚。她的女儿——也就是我的侄女——现在还活着，在比洛克西。”“你知道他们为什么要把你送到……那里么？是什么让他们居然采取这样极端的措施？而你当时是对未来满怀期望的……”她只是摇摇头，浅黄褐色的双眼露出若有所思的神情：“我没有找到很多关于他们的情况。我查阅了所有旧报纸的缩微平片资料，里面并未频繁的提到我家。他们不是报纸常常报道的那个圈子里的人。我父母亲的婚约在那儿，辛西亚的婚约也在。”她不太确定地提起辛西亚的名字，“其中也宣布了我的出生……和我的去世。我找到了自己的坟墓，甚至还从那个老庇护所的档案中偷到了入学通知单，通知单上的日期和我墓碑上的日期是一天。”我不知该说些什么，我们沉默了一会儿，换了个更轻松的话题。
卡伦一家现在又团聚了，只有一个人没回来，正在德纳利和坦尼娅共度科内尔的春季休假。我倾听着每个细节，听她讲讲这个家庭的琐事我已经很满足了，我曾经梦想着成为这个家庭的一员。 查理天黑后才回来，比头一天晚上看上去更加疲惫了。他明天一早还要去为哈里的葬礼安排预定的事，所以他回来得早了点，我和爱丽丝在沙发上休息。 第二天太阳出来了，查理从楼梯上走下来，他看上去全然像个陌生人，穿着一套我从未见过的旧西服。上衣没有扣，我想是扣上太紧的缘故，领带配这个样式的西服有点嫌大。他踮着脚尖走到门边，尽量不吵醒我们。我没有出声，假装睡着了，爱丽丝在躺椅上也假装在睡觉。 他一出门，爱丽丝就坐了起来，仍然盖着被子，不过她已经穿好衣服了。 “那么，你今天准备做什么呢？”她问。 “不知道——你想到什么有趣的事了么？” 她笑笑，摇了摇头：“不过还早呢。” 在拉普西经历的一切也许使我忽略了家里的一堆事情，我决定干点家务活。我想做点什么，让查理的日子好过些——让他回来看到一个干净、整齐的家，或许这能让他感觉好点。我从卫生间开始了——这里被忽略的事情最多。 我做家务时，爱丽丝就靠在门框上，问我一些无关紧要的问题，诸如我的，不对，是我们的高中朋友，问我自从她离开后，这些朋友都怎么样了。她的脸上还是一副随意的、毫无感情的样子，但是我看得出她对我简单的回答不太满意，或许是我对昨天偷听了她和查理的谈话有些内疚吧。 我正把袖子挽过胳膊肘，擦洗卫生间的地板，这时门铃响了。我立刻转向爱丽丝，她的表情有些不知所措，像是很焦虑，令我感到奇怪，爱丽丝很少会对事情这么惊讶。 “别挂！”我朝门的方向叫道，站起身来，到水槽旁把手冲洗干净。 “贝拉，”爱丽丝有些沮丧，“我能猜到大概是谁，我想我应该回避一下。” “猜？”我重复她的话，什么时候开始爱丽丝需要去猜测事情了？ “如果情况又像我昨天破天荒地预见到的一些事情一样，那么很有可能是雅各布·布莱克，或者是他的——朋友。” 我看着她，愣愣地说：“你看不见狼人吗？” 她扮了个鬼脸，“好像是这样。”显然这令她不安——非常不安。 门铃又响了，一连响了两次，听得出来来人有些焦急。 “你哪儿也不用去，爱丽丝，是你先到的。” 她发出银铃般清脆的笑声——但是笑声中有些忧郁的味道。“相信我——让我和雅各布·布莱克共处一室绝不是明智之举。” 她很快亲了一下我的脸蛋，然后从查理的房间门进去了，无疑地会从查理的房间后门离开的。 门铃又响了。
Chapter 18 The Funeral
I SPRINTED DOWN THE STAIRS AND THREW THE DOOR open.
　　It was Jacob, of course. Even blind, Alice wasn't slow.
　　He was standing about six feet back from the door, his nose wrinkled in distaste, but his face otherwisesmooth—masklike. He didn't fool me; I could see the faint trembling of his hands.
　　Hostility rolled off of him in waves. It brought back that awful afternoon when he'd chosen Sam over me,and I felt my chin jerk up defensively in response.
　　Jacob's Rabbit idled by the curb with Jared behind the wheel and Embry in the passenger seat. Iunderstood what this meant: they were afraid to let him come here alone. It made me sad, and a littleannoyed. The Cullens weren't like that.
　　"Hey," I finally said when he didn't speak.
　　Jake pursed his lips, still hanging back from the door. His eyes flickered across the front of the house.
　　I ground my teeth. "She's not here. Do you need something?"He hesitated. "You're alone?""Yes." I sighed.
　　"Can I talk to you a minute?""Of course you can, Jacob. Come on in."Jacob glanced over his shoulder at his friends in the car. I saw Embry shake his head just a tiny bit. Forsome reason, this bugged me to no end.
　　My teeth clenched together again. "Chicken" I mumbled under my breath.
　　Jake's eyes flashed back to me, his thick, black brows pushing into a furious angle over his deep-seteyes. His jaw set, and he marched—there was no other way to describe the way he moved—up thesidewalk and shrugged past me into the house.
　　I locked gazes with first Jared and then Embry—I didn't like the hard way they eyed me; did they reallythink I would let anything hurt Jacob?—before I shut the door on them.
　　 Jacob was in the hall behind me, staring at the mess of blankets in the living room.
　　"Slumber party?" he asked, his tone sarcastic.
　　"Yeah," I answered with the same level of acid. I didn't like Jacob when he acted this way. "What's it toyou?"He wrinkled his nose again like he smelled something unpleasant. "Where's your 'friend'?" I could hearthe quotation marks in his tone.
　　"She had some errands to run. Look, Jacob, what do you want?"Something about the room seemed to make him edgier—his long arms were quivering. He didn't answermy question. Instead he moved on to the kitchen, his restless eyes darting everywhere.
　　I followed him. He paced back and forth along the short counter.
　　"Hey," I said, putting myself in his way. He stopped pacing and stared down at me. "What's yourproblem?""I don't like having to be here."That stung. I winced, and his eyes tightened.
　　"Then I'm sorry you had to come," I muttered. "Why don't you tell me what you need so you can leave?""I just have to ask you a couple of questions. It shouldn't take long. We have to get back for the funeral.""Okay. Get it over with then." I was probably overdoing it with the antagonism, but I didn't want him tosee how much this hurt. I knew I wasn't being fair. After all, I'd picked the bloodsucker over him lastnight. I'd hurt him first.
　　He took a deep breath, and his trembling fingers were suddenly still. His face smoothed into a serenemask.
　　"One of the Cullens is staying here with you," he stated.
　　"Yes. Alice Cullen."He nodded thoughtfully. "How long is she here for?""As long as she wants to be." The belligerence was still there in my tone. "It's an open invitation.""Do you think you could… please… explain to her about the other one—Victoria?"I paled. "I told her about that."He nodded. "You should know that we can only watch our own lands with a Cullen here. You'll only besafe in La Push. I can't protect you here anymore.""Okay," I said in a small voice.
　　He looked away then, out the back windows. He didn't continue.
　　"Is that all?" He kept his eyes on the glass as he answered. "Just one more thing."I waited, but he didn't continue. "Yes?" I finally prompted.
　　"Are the rest of them coming back now?" he asked in a cool, quiet voice. It reminded me of Sam'salways calm manner. Jacob was becoming more like Sam… I wondered why that bothered me so much.
　　Now I didn't speak. He looked back at my face with probing eyes.
　　"Well?" he asked. He struggled to conceal the tension behind his serene expression.
　　"No." I said finally. Grudgingly. "They aren't coming back."His expression didn't change. "Okay. That's all."I glared at him, annoyance rekindled. "Well, run along now. Go tell Sam that the scary monsters aren'tcoming to get you.""Okay," he repeated, still calm.
　　That seemed to be it. Jacob walked swiftly from the kitchen. I waited to hear the front door open, but Iheard nothing. I could hear the clock over the stove ticking, and I marveled again at how quiet he'dbecome.
　　What a disaster. How could I have alienated him so completely in such a short amount of time?
　　Would he forgive me when Alice was gone? What if he didn't?
　　I slumped against the counter and buried my face in my hands. How had I made such a mess ofeverything? But what could I have done differently? Even in hindsight, I couldn't think of any better way,any perfect course of action.
　　"Bella… ?" Jacob asked in a troubled voice.
　　I pulled my face out of my hands to see Jacob hesitating in the kitchen doorway; he hadn't left when I'dthought. It was only when I saw the clear drops sparkling in my hands that I realized I was crying.
　　Jacob's calm expression was gone; his face was anxious and unsure. He walked quickly back to stand infront of me, ducking his head so that his eyes were closer to being on the same level with mine.
　　"Did it again, didn't I?""Did what?" I asked, my voice cracking.
　　"Broke my promise. Sorry.""'S'okay," I mumbled. "I started it this time."His face twisted. "I knew how you felt about them. It shouldn't have taken me by surprise like that."I could see the revulsion in his eyes. I wanted to explain to him what Alice was really like, to defend heragainst the judgments he'd made, but something warned me that now was not the time.
　　So I just said, "Sorry," again.
　　"Let's not worry about it, okay? She's just visiting, right? She'll leave, and things will go back to normal." "Can't I be friends with you both at the same time?" I asked, my voice not hiding an ounce of the hurt Ifelt.
　　He shook his head slowly. "No, I don't think you can."I sniffed and stared at his big feet. "But you'll wait, right? You'll still be my friend, even though I loveAlice, too?"I didn't look up, afraid to see what he'd think of that last part. It took him a minute to answer, so I wasprobably right not to look.
　　"Yeah, I'll always be your friend," he said gruffly. "No matter what you love.""Promise?""Promise."I felt his arms wind around me, and I leaned against his chest, still sniffling. "This sucks.""Yeah." Then he sniffed my hair and said, "Ew.""What?" I demanded. I looked up to see that his nose was wrinkled again. "Why does everyone keepdoing that to me? I don't smell!"He smiled a little. "Yes, you do—you smell like them. Blech. Too sweet—sickly sweet. And… icy. Itburns my nose.""Really?" That was strange. Alice smelled unbelievably wonderful. To a human, anyway. "But why wouldAlice think I smelled, too, then?"That wiped his smile away. "Huh. Maybe I don't smell so good to her, either. Huh.""Well, you both smell fine to me." I rested my head against him again. I was going to miss him terriblywhen he walked out my door. It was a nasty catch-22—on the one hand, I wanted Alice to stay forever.
　　I was going to die—metaphorically—when she left me. But how was I supposed to go without seeingJake for any length of time? What a mess, I thought again.
　　"I'll miss you," Jacob whispered, echoing my thoughts. "Every minute. I hope she leaves soon.""It really doesn't have to be that way, Jake."He sighed. "Yes, it really does. Bella. You… love her. So I'd better not get anywhere near her. I'm notsure that I'm even-tempered enough to handle that. Sam would be mad if I broke the treaty, and"—hisvoice turned sarcastic—"you probably wouldn't like it too much if I killed your friend."I recoiled from him when he said that, but he only tightened his arms, refusing to let me escape. "There'sno point in avoiding the truth. That's the way things are, Bells.""I do not like the way things are."Jacob freed one arm so that he could cup his big brown hand under my chin and make me look at him.
　　"Yeah. It was easier when we were both human, wasn't it?"I sighed.
　　 We stared at each other for a long moment. His hand smoldered against my skin. In my face, I knewthere was nothing but wistful sadness—I didn't want to have to say goodbye now, no matter for howshort a time. At first his face reflected mine, but then, as neither of us looked away, his expressionchanged.
　　He released me, lifting his other hand to brush his fingertips along my cheek, trailing them down to myjaw. I could feel his fingers tremble—not with anger this time. He pressed his palm against my cheek, sothat my face was trapped between his burning hands.
　　"Bella," he whispered.
　　I was frozen.
　　No! I hadn't made this decision yet. I didn't know if I could do this, and now I was out of time to think.
　　But I would have been a fool if I thought rejecting him now would have no consequences.
　　I stared back at him. He was not my Jacob, but he could be. His face was familiar and beloved. In somany real ways, I did love him. He was my comfort, my safe harbor. Right now, I could choose to havehim belong to me.
　　Alice was back for the moment, but that changed nothing. True love was forever lost. The prince wasnever coming back to kiss me awake from my enchanted sleep. I was not a princess, after all. So whatwas the fairy-tale protocol for other kisses? The mundane kind that didn't break any spells?
　　Maybe it would be easy—like holding his hand or having his arms around me. Maybe it would feel nice.
　　Maybe it wouldn't feel like a betrayal. Besides, who was I betraying, anyway? Just myself.
　　Keeping his eyes on mine, Jacob began to bend his face toward me. And I was still absolutelyundecided.
　　The shrill ring of the phone made us both jump, but it did not break his focus. He took his hand fromunder my chin and reached over me to grab the receiver, but still held my face securely with the handagainst my cheek. His dark eyes did not free mine. I was too muddled to react, even to take advantageof the distraction.
　　"Swan residence," Jacob said, his husky voice low and intense.
　　Someone answered, and Jacob altered in an instant. He straightened up, and his hand dropped from myface. His eyes went flat, his face blank, and I would have bet the measly remainder of my college f andthat it was Alice.
　　I recovered myself and held out my hand for the phone. Jacob ignored me.
　　"He's not here," Jacob said, and the words were menacing.
　　There was some very short reply, a request for more information it seemed, because he addedunwillingly, "He's at the funeral."Then Jacob hung up the phone. "Filthy bloodsucker," he muttered under his breath. The face he turnedback to me was the bitter mask again.
　　"Who did you just hang up on?" I gasped, infuriated. "In my house, and on my phone?""Easy! He hung up on me!" "He? Who was it?!"He sneered the title. "Dr. Carlisle Cullen.""Why didn't you let me talk to him?!""He didn't ask for you," Jacob said coldly. His face was smooth, expressionless, but his hands shook.
　　"He asked where Charlie was and I told him. I don't think I broke any rules of etiquette.""You listen to me, Jacob Black—"But he obviously wasn't listening. He looked quickly over his shoulder, as if someone had called his namefrom the other room. His eyes went wide and his body stiff, then he started trembling. I listened too,automatically, but heard nothing.
　　"Bye, Bells," he spit out, and wheeled toward the front door.
　　I ran after him. "What is it?"And then I ran into him, as he rocked back on his heels, cussing under his breath. He spun around again,knocking me sideways. I bobbled and fell to the floor, my legs tangled with his.
　　"Shoot, ow!" I protested as he hurriedly jerked his legs free one at a time.
　　I struggled to pull myself up as he darted for the back door; he suddenly froze again.
　　Alice stood motionless at the foot of the stairs.
　　"Bella," she choked.
　　I scrambled to my feet and lurched to her side. Her eyes were dazed and far away, her face drawn andwhiter than bone. Her slim body trembled to an inner turmoil.
　　"Alice, what's wrong?" I cried. I put my hands on her face, trying to calm her.
　　Her eyes focused on mine abruptly, wide with pain.
　　"Edward," was all she whispered.
　　My body reacted faster than my mind was able to catch up with the implications of her reply. I didn't atfirst understand why the room was spinning or where the hollow roar in my ears was coming from. Mymind labored, unable to make sense of Alice's bleak face and how it could possibly relate to Edward,while my body was already swaying, seeking the relief of unconsciousness before the reality could hit me.
　　The stairway tilted at the oddest angle.
　　Jacob's furious voice was suddenly in my ear, hissing out a stream of profanities. I felt a vaguedisapproval. His new friends were clearly a bad influence.
　　I was on the couch without understanding how I got there, and Jacob was still swearing. It felt like therewas an earthquake—the couch was shaking under me.
　　"What did you do to her?" he demanded.
　　Alice ignored him. "Bella? Bella, snap out of it. We have to hurry." "Stay back," Jacob warned.
　　"Calm down, Jacob Black," Alice ordered. "You don't want to do that so close to her.""I don't think I'll have any problem keeping my focus," he retorted, but his voice sounded a little cooler.
　　"Alice?" My voice was weak. "What happened?" I asked, even though I didn't want to hear.
　　"I don't know," she suddenly wailed. "What is he thinking?!"I labored to pull myself up despite the dizziness. I realized it was Jacob's arm I was gripping for balance.
　　He was the one shaking, not the couch.
　　Alice was pulling a small silver phone from her bag when my eyes relocated her. Her fingers dialed thenumbers so fast they were a blur.
　　"Rose, I need to talk to Carlisle now." Her voice whipped through the words. "Fine, as soon as he'sback. No, I'll be on a plane. Look, have you heard anything from Edward?"Alice paused now, listening with an expression that grew more appalled every second. Her mouthopened into a little O of horror, and the phone shook in her hand.
　　"Why?" she gasped. "Why would you do that, Rosalie?"Whatever the answer was, it made her jaw tighten in anger. Her eyes flashed and narrowed.
　　"Well, you're wrong on both counts, though, Rosalie, so that would be a problem, don't you think?" sheasked acidly. "Yes, that's right. She's absolutely fine—I was wrong… It's a long story… But you'rewrong about that part, too, that's why I'm calling… Yes, that's exactly what I saw."Alice's voice was very hard and her lips were pulled back from her teeth. "It's a bit late for that, Rose.
　　Save your remorse for someone who believes it." Alice snapped the phone shut with a sharp twist of herfingers.
　　Her eyes were tortured as she turned to face me.
　　"Alice," I blurted out quickly. I couldn't let her speak yet. I needed a few more seconds before she spokeand her words destroyed what was left of my life. "Alice, Carlisle is back, though. He called justbefore…"She stared at me blankly. "How long ago?" she asked in a hollow voice.
　　"Half a minute before you showed up.""What did he say?" She really focused now, waiting for my answer.
　　"I didn't talk to him." My eyes flickered to Jacob.
　　Alice turned her penetrating gaze on him. He flinched, but held his place next to me. He sit awkwardly,almost as if he were trying to shield me with his body.
　　"He asked for Charlie, and I told him Charlie wasn't here," Jacob muttered resentfully.
　　"Is that everything?" Alice demanded, her voice like ice.
　　"Then he hung up on me," Jacob spit back. A tremor rolled down his spine, shaking me with it.
　　 "You told him Charlie was at the funeral," I reminded him.
　　Alice jerked her head back toward me "What were his exact words?""He said, 'He's not here,' and when Carlisle asked where Charlie was, Jacob said, 'At the funeral.'"Alice moaned and sank to her knees.
　　"Tell me Alice," I whispered.
　　"That wasn't Carlisle on the phone," she said hopelessly.
　　"Are you calling me a liar?" Jacob snarled from beside me.
　　Alice ignored him, focusing on my bewildered face.
　　"It was Edward." The words were just a choked whisper. "He thinks you're dead."My mind started to work again. These words weren't the ones I'd been afraid of, and the relief clearedmy head.
　　"Rosalie told him I killed myself, didn't she?" I said, sighing as I relaxed.
　　"Yes," Alice admitted, her eyes flashing hard again.
　　"In her defense, she did believe it. They rely on my sight far too much for something that works soimperfectly. But for her to track him down to tell him this! Didn't she realize… or care… ?" Her voicefaded away in horror.
　　"And when Edward called here, he thought Jacob meant my funeral," I realized. It stung to know howclose I'd been, just inches away from his voice. My nails dug into Jacob's arm, but he didn't flinch.
　　Alice looked at me strangely. "You're not upset," she whispered.
　　"Well, it's really rotten timing, but it will all get straightened out. The next time he calls, someone will tellhim… what… really…" I trailed off. Her gaze strangled the words in my throat.
　　Why was she so panicked? Why was her face twisting now with pity and horror? What was it she hadsaid to Rosalie on the phone just now? Something about what she'd seen… and Rosalie's remorse;Rosalie would never feel remorse for anything that happened to me. But if she'd hurt her family, hurt herbrother…"Bella," Alice whispered. "Edward won't call again. He believed her.""I. Don't. Understand." My mouth framed each word in silence. I couldn't push the air out to actually saythe words that would make her explain what that meant.
　　"He's going to Italy."It took the length of one heartbeat for me to comprehend.
　　When Edward's voice came back to me now, it was not the perfect imitation of my delusions. It was justthe weak, flat tone of my memories. But the words alone were enough to shred through my chest andleave it gaping open. Words from a time when I would have bet everything that I owned or could borrowon that fact that he loved me.
　　 Well, I wasn't going to live without you, he'd said as we watched Romeo and Juliet die, here in thisvery room. But I wasn't sure how to do it… I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help… so Iwas thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi… You don'tirritate them. Not unless you want to die.
　　Not unless you want to die.
　　"NO!" The half-shrieked denial was so loud after the whispered words, it made us all jump. I felt theblood rushing to my face as I realized what she'd seen. "No! No, no, no! He can't! He can't do that!""He made up his mind as soon as your friend confirmed that it was too late to save you.""But he… he left! He didn't want me anymore! What difference does it make now? He knew I woulddie sometime!""I don't think he ever planned to outlive you by long," Alice said quietly.
　　"How dare he!" I screamed. I was on my feet now, and Jacob rose uncertainly to put himself betweenAlice and me again.
　　"Oh, get out of the way, Jacob!" I elbowed my way around his trembling body with desperateimpatience. "What do we do?" I begged Alice. There had to be something. "Can't we call him? CanCarlisle?"She was shaking her head. "That was the first thing I tried. He left his phone in a trash can inRio—someone answered it…" she whispered.
　　"You said before we had to hurry. Hurry how? Let's do it, whatever it is!""Bella, I—I don't think I can ask you to…" She trailed off in indecision.
　　"Ask me!" I commanded.
　　She put her hands on my shoulders, holding me in place, her fingers flexing sporadically to emphasize herwords. "We may already be too late. I saw him going to the Volturi… and asking to die." We bothcringed, and my eyes were suddenly blind. I blinked feverishly at the tears. "It all depends on what theychoose. I can't see that till they make a decision.
　　"But if they say no, and they might—Aro is fond of Carlisle, and wouldn't want to offend him—Edwardhas a backup plan. They're very protective of their city. If Edward does something to upset the peace, hethinks they'll act to stop him. And he's right. They will."I stared at her with my jaw clenched in frustration. I'd heard nothing yet that would explain why we werestill standing here.
　　"So if they agree to grant his favor, we're too late. If they say no, and he comes up with a plan to offendthem quickly enough, we're too late. If he gives into his more theatrical tendencies… we might havetime.""Let's go!""Listen, Bella! Whether we are in time or not, we will be in the heart of the Volturi city. I will beconsidered his accomplice if he is successful. You will be a human who not only knows too much, butalso smells too good. There's a very good chance that they will eliminate us all—though in your case it won't be punishment so much as dinnertime.""This is what's keeping us here?" I asked in disbelief. "I'll go alone if you're afraid." I mentally tabulatedwhat money was left in my account, and wondered if Alice would lend me the rest.
　　"I'm only afraid of getting you killed."I snorted in disgust. "I almost get myself killed on a daily basis! Tell me what I need to do!""You write a note to Charlie. I'll call the airlines.""Charlie," I gasped.
　　Not that my presence was protecting him, but could I leave him here alone to face…"I'm not going to let anything happen to Charlie." Jacob's low voice was gruff and angry. "Screw thetreaty."I glanced up at him, and he scowled at my panicked expression.
　　"Hurry, Bella," Alice interrupted urgently.
　　I ran to the kitchen, yanking the drawers open and throwing the contents all over the floor as I searchedfor a pen. A smooth, brown hand held one out to me.
　　"Thanks," I mumbled, pulling the cap off with my teeth. He silently handed me the pad of paper we wrotephone messages on. I tore off the top sheet and threw it over my shoulder.
　　Dad, I wrote. I'm with Alice. Edward's in trouble. You can ground me when I get back. I know it'sa bad time. So sorry. Love you so much. Bella.
　　"Don't go," Jacob whispered. The anger was all gone now that Alice was out of sight.
　　I wasn't about to waste time arguing with him. "Please, please, please take care of Charlie," I said as Idashed back out to the front room. Alice was waiting in the doorway with a bag over her shoulder.
　　"Get your wallet—you'll need ID. Please tell me you have a passport. I don't have time to forge one."I nodded and then raced up the stairs, my knees weak with gratitude that my mother had wanted tomarry Phil on a beach in Mexico. Of course, like all her plans, it had fallen through. But not before I'dmade all the practical arrangements I could for her.
　　I tore through my room. I stuffed my old wallet, a clean T-shirt, and sweatpants into my backpack, andthen threw my toothbrush on top. I hurled myself back down the stairs. The sense of deja vu was nearlystifling by this point. At least, unlike the last time—when I'd run away from Forks to escape thirstyvampires rather than to find them—I wouldn't have to say goodbye to Charlie in person.
　　Jacob and Alice were locked in some kind of confrontation in front of the open door, standing so farapart you wouldn't assume at first that they were having a conversation. Neither one seemed to notice mynoisy reappearance.
　　"You might control yourself on occasion, but these leeches you're taking her to—" Jacob was furiouslyaccusing her.
　　"Yes. You're right, dog." Alice was snarling, too. "The Volturi are the very essence of our kind—they're the reason your hair stands on end when you smell me. They are the substance of your nightmares, thedread behind your instincts. I'm not unaware of that.""And you take her to them like a bottle of wine for a party!" he shouted.
　　"You think she'd be better off if I left her here alone, with Victoria stalking her?""We can handle the redhead.""Then why is she still hunting?"Jacob growled, and a shudder rippled through his torso.
　　"Stop that!" I shouted at them both, wild with impatience. "Argue when we get back, let's go!"Alice turned for the car, disappearing in her haste. I hurried after her, pausing automatically to turn andlock the door.
　　Jacob caught my arm with a shivering hand. "Please, Bella. I'm begging."His dark eyes were glistening with tears. A lump filled my throat.
　　"Jake, I have to—""You don't, though. You really don't. You could stay here with me. You could stay alive. For Charlie.
　　For me."The engine of Carlisle's Mercedes purred; the rhythm of the thrumming spiked when Alice revved itimpatiently.
　　I shook my head, tears spattering from my eyes with the sharp motion. I pulled my arm free, and hedidn't fight me.
　　"Don't die, Bella," he choked out. "Don't go. Don't."What if I never saw him again?
　　The thought pushed me past the silent tears; a sob broke out from my chest. I threw my arms around hiswaist and hugged for one too-short moment, burying my tear-wet face against his chest. He put his bighand on the back of my hair, as if to hold me there.
　　"Bye, Jake." I pulled his hand from my hair, and kissed his palm. I couldn't bear to look at his face.
　　"Sorry," I whispered.
　　Then I spun and raced for the car. The door on the passenger side was open and waiting. I threw mybackpack over the headrest and slid in, slamming the door behind me.
　　"Take care of Charlie!" I turned to shout out the window, but Jacob was nowhere in sight. As Alicestomped on the gas and—with the tires screeching like human screams—spun us around to face theroad, I caught sight of a shred of white near the edge of the trees. A piece of a shoe.18  葬礼 
我快步下楼，打开了门。 当然是雅各布，即便无法透视了，爱丽丝还是很聪明。 他站在离门六英尺远的地方，远看上去，他皱着鼻子，但是脸上却很平滑——像戴着个假面具一样。不过这骗不了我，我看到他的双手在微微颤抖。 他的脸上露出一阵敌对的神色，令我想起了那个糟糕的下午，当时他选择了山姆，没有选择我。此刻，我觉得自己的下颌开始抽搐，进入了防御的状态。 雅各布的“兔子”在路边移动，杰瑞德坐在驾驶座上，恩布里坐在乘客位上。我知道他们是不放心让雅各布单独过来，这让我有点儿难过，有些不高兴，卡伦家人就不会这样。 “嘿。”见他最终没有开口，我便招呼了一声。 雅各嘟起嘴吧，还是没有上前，眼睛看着前院。 我咬咬牙说：“她不在这儿，你有什么是吗？” 他犹豫了一下，说：“只有你一个人在？” “是的。”我叹了口气。 “我能和你聊一下吗？” “当然可以，雅各布，进来吧。” 雅各布回头看看坐在车上的朋友。我看到恩布里微微摇了摇头。不知为什么，这让我很生气。 我咬紧了牙齿。“胆小鬼。”我低声咕哝道。 雅各回过头看着我，他浓黑的眉毛在深陷的双眼上方，非常突出，下颌固定不动，然后迈着步子向前进——这样描述他走路最合适了——走上人行道，他从我身边闪过，向屋里走去。我的双眼和杰瑞德、恩布里两人的眼睛先后撞了个正着。我不喜欢他们看我时那种严肃的眼神，他们难道真觉得我会做什么伤害雅各布的事吗？这样对视之后，我就把门关上了。 雅各布在我身后的大厅，看着客厅乱糟糟的毯子。 “开了卧谈会？”他语气中有些讥讽。 “没错，”我也用同样的语气答道，我不喜欢雅各布这样说话，“你觉得像什么？” 他又皱起了鼻子，好像闻到了什么难闻的气味似的。“你的‘朋友’呢？”从他说话的语气中我就知道他这个“朋友”是加引号的。 “他有些急事走了。说吧，雅各布，你想怎么样？” 房间的某种气氛使他变得更急躁了，修长的双臂在颤抖。他没有回答我的问题，而是去了厨房，双眼四处巡视。 我跟在他后面，他在短短的吧台旁来回走动。 “嘿，”我堵在他面前，他停下来，盯着我，“你怎么啦？” “我不喜欢不得不到这儿来。” 这话让我很受伤，我不觉向后退缩，他的眼神变得更加严肃了。 “我很抱歉你不得不来，”我喃喃地说，“何不告诉我你要什么，然后就可以走了？” “我只想问你几个问题，不会很久的，我们还要回去参加葬礼。” “好，那你问吧。”我的话可能充满了敌意，但是我不愿意他看出我内心有多受伤。我知道这样对他不公平。毕竟昨晚我先选了吸血鬼，其次选他，是我伤害他在先。 他深吸了一口气，原本颤抖的手指静止了下来，脸上露出平静的神色。 “和你在一起的是卡伦家族的某个人。”他说。 “不错，爱丽丝·卡伦。” 他若有所思地点点头：“她在这儿待多久？” “只要她愿意，随便多久，”我的语气中还带着敌意，“这是我对她的公开邀请。” “你是不是可以.....请你.....向她解释一下另一个.....维多利亚？” 我的脸色变得苍白了，答道，“已经和她说了。” 他点点头：“你知道有 准业娜嗽谡舛 颐侵荒芸椿ぷ约旱耐恋亍Ｄ阒挥性诶 瘴鞑虐踩 谡饫镂以僖膊荒鼙；つ懔恕?rdquo; “知道了。”我轻声答道。 他转过头向窗外看去，没有说话。 “就这些么？” 他眼睛仍然看着玻璃窗，答道：“还有最后一件事。” 我在等他往下说，但是他没有继续下去。“什么事？”我问道。 “其他人现在会回来吗？”他冷冷地、平静地问。这令我想起山姆通常镇定的举止。雅各布越来越像山姆了.....我不明白这个为什么让我感到不安。 现在是我没有说话，他双眼期待地看着我。 “怎样？”他问道，努力掩饰着他平静的表情下面的紧张。 “不会，”我最后勉强地答道，“他们不会回来。” 他的表情没有变化：“好了，就这些。” 我瞪着他，心里又生出许多怨恨：“好吧，那你快去吧，快去告诉山姆那些可恶的妖怪并没有来抓你。” “好吧。”他答道，依然很镇定。 好像就这样结束了，雅各布迅速从厨房走了出去。我没有动，等着听前门打开的声音，但是并没有听到，只听到炉子上时钟的声音，雅各布现在变得越来越安静了，真令我惊讶。 真是太悲伤了，我怎么在这么短的时间就和他变得这样疏远了呢？ 爱丽丝走后他会原谅我吗？要是他不能原谅我呢？ 我靠在柜台边，把脸深深地埋在双手中。我怎么把一切弄得这么糟呢？要是不这样我又能怎么做呢？即便事后来看，我也实在想不出有什么更好的办法，有什么更得体的方式 “贝拉.....”雅各布不安地问道。 我抬起头，看到雅各布犹豫地站在厨房的门边，我以为他离开了，但是他并没有。看到自己手上晶莹的泪珠，我才知道自己哭了。 雅各布脸上镇定的神情消失了，他变得焦虑、不确定。很快他走到我面前，低下头，这样他的眼神可以离我近些。 “我又犯错误了，是吗？” “什么错误？”我问道，声音有些断续。 “没有履行我的诺言。对不起。” “没事儿，”我喃喃地说，“这次是我引起的。” 他咧了咧嘴：“我知道你对他们的感觉，我本不该这么吃惊的。” 我能看出他眼神中的变化。我想告诉他爱丽丝是怎样的，希望改变他对爱丽丝的错误评价，但是我似乎感觉到现在不是时候。 于是我又说了句：“对不起。” “我们别为这个担心了，好吗？她只是来拜访你的，对吗？她迟早会离开的，一切会回到正常轨道的。” “我就不能同时拥有你们两个朋友吗？”我问道，声音中透出一丝受伤的意味。 他缓缓地摇摇头：“不能，我觉得不能。” 我抽噎了一下，说：“但是你会等我，对吗？即便我喜欢爱丽丝，你还是我的朋友，对吗？” 我没有抬头看他，不知他对我提到爱丽丝会有什么样的反应。过了一分钟，他才回答，我知道自己不看他是明智的举动。 “不错，我永远是你的朋友，”他粗声说道，“无论你爱着什么。” “你发誓？” “我发誓。” 我感觉到他的手臂搂着我，我靠在他的胸膛，还在抽噎：“真是糟糕。” “就是。”说着，他闻了一下我的头发说，“哇！” “什么！”我抬起头来，看看他的鼻子又为什么皱起来了，“为什么大家都这样对我，我身上没有什么异味。” 他微笑着说：“不对，你身上有味道——你闻上去像他们。黑鞋油，太甜了——甜得发腻，还有点儿......冰冷。我的鼻子都要被冻僵了。” “真的？”这倒真是奇怪，爱丽丝身上的气味很好闻，至少一个人闻起来很不错的，“但是爱丽丝怎么也会觉得我身上有异味呢？” 这时他收起了笑容，说：“哈，说不定她也会觉得我身上有异味呢，哈。” “不过，你们两个人我都觉得很好闻啊。”我又把头靠在他的胸膛。他一离开这扇门，我一定会很想他的。这几乎像是场“第二十二条军规”的游戏——一方面我希望爱丽丝永远留在这里，她一走，我就会死去（当然是比喻），但是永远见不到雅各我又该怎么办呢？真是一团糟。 “我嵯肽愕模 毖鸥鞑记嵘 担 臀宜 氲囊谎 拔颐渴泵靠潭荚谙肽悖 Ｍ 缧├肟 ！?“真的没必要这样，雅各。” 他叹了口气：“不，事实就是这样的，贝拉。你.....爱她，所以我最好不要靠近她。我不确定自己是否能心平气和地面对这些。要是我违反了协约，山姆会发疯的，”说到这里，他的语气变得有些讥讽，“要是我杀了你的朋友，你一定不会高兴的。” 听到这话，我不觉想挣脱他的手臂，不想他反而把我抱得更紧了，不让我逃开：“没有必要逃避现实，事实就是这样的，贝拉。” “我不喜欢事情是这个样子的。” 雅各布腾出了一只手来，托着我的下巴，让我看着他：“不错，当我们都是人类时，一切要容易得多，不是吗？” 我叹了口气。 我们长久地对视着，他的手使我的皮肤感到发烫。我知道自己的脸上只有郁闷——我不想现在就说再见，哪怕相聚很短暂。一开始，他的脸上和我一样充满悲伤，但是由于我们一直这样对视着，他脸上的表情开始改变了。 他放开了我，另一只手的手指在我脸颊上滑过，直到我的下颌。我能感到他的手指在颤动——这次倒不是因为生气的缘故，他用发烫的双手抚摸着我的脸。 “贝拉。”他喃喃地叫道。 我顿时僵住了。 不！我还没有作出这样的决定。我不确定是否可以这样做，现在我已经没有时间思考了，但是我要是认为现在拒绝他不会有什么后果，那就太傻了。 我注视着他，他不是我的雅各布，但他也可能是我的雅各布。他的脸很熟悉，充满爱意。的确，从很多方面看，我都是爱他的。他给我带来安慰，是我安全的港湾。现在，我可以旋转拥有他。 爱丽丝暂时不会回来了，但是这于事无补，真爱永远失去了。我的王子永远不会回来把我从施了魔法的睡梦中唤醒。毕竟我也不是公主，那么还有什么其他关于亲吻的神话故事呢？难道是世俗的亲吻，不能打破任何符咒？ 也许这样会容易一点——就像握着他的手或者让他抱着我一样。也许会感觉不错，也许不会有什么背叛的负罪感。况且，我背叛了谁呢？只有我自己。 雅各布一直注视着我，低下头来，而我还是完全没有决定。 这时刺耳的电话铃声让我们俩同时跳了起来，但是这并没有转移他的注意力。他从我的下颌看过去，从我背后去拿听筒，但是另一只手还是紧紧地抚着我的脸。黑色的眼睛依然注视着我的眼睛。我变得糊涂了，不知如何应对，甚至也没想到借助这个电话的干扰做点什么。 “斯旺寓所。”雅各布说，沙哑的声音低沉而坚定。 有人说话了，雅各布立刻改变了。他放开了我的脸颊，双眼发直，面无表情，我甚至可以用我仅剩的大学基金来打赌，保准是爱丽丝。 我缓过神来，伸手去拿电话，雅各布没有管我。 “他不在这儿。”雅各布说，声音中带有恐吓的味道。 对方简短地说了点什么，似乎是要求更多的信息，因为他很不情愿地补充说：“他去参加葬礼了。” 然后雅各布挂掉了电话。“可恶的吸血鬼。”他低声咕哝着。然后转过来看着我，脸上一副讨厌的神情。 “你挂了谁的电话？”我非常生气，急促地问道，“这是在我的家里！我的电话！” “放松点！是他挂了我的电话！” “他？他是谁？！” 他讥讽地答道：“卡莱尔·卡伦博士。” “为什么不让我和他说话？！” “他不是找你的，”雅各布冷淡地答道。他的脸上很光滑，毫无表情，但手在发抖，“他问查理在那儿，我就告诉他了。我觉得自己没做错什么。” “你听我说，雅各布·布莱克.....” 但是显然他并没有在听。他很快回过头去，好像听到有人在另一个房间喊他的名字似的，双眼园瞪，身体变得僵硬，然后开始发抖。我也不觉停下来听，但是什么也没听到。“再见，贝拉。”他挤出这几个字，然后朝前门走去。 我追在他后面，问：“是什么？” 只是他一转身，我便撞上了他，他嘴里咒骂着什么，然后又转过身去，把我撞到一边，我踉跄了几步，跌倒在地上，我的脚绊倒了他的脚。 “该死，诶哟！”在他很快把脚抽出来时我抗议地叫道。 他继续往门口走去，我则艰难地站了起来。突然，他又愣住不动了。
爱丽丝一动不动地站在楼梯脚下。 “贝拉。”她语塞了。 我匆忙站起来，蹒跚地走到她身边。她的双眼有些茫然，脸色比骨头的颜色还要白，纤细的身躯因为内心的波澜而颤抖。 “爱丽丝，怎么啦？”我叫道，用手捂住她的脸，希望能使她平静下来。 “爱德华。”她只吐出了三个字。 听到这话，我的身体比大脑反应更快。一开始我还不明白房子为什么在旋转，不知道爱丽丝凄凉的脸色怎么会和爱德华有关，而这时我的身体已经开始摇摆，大脑还来不及找到答案，我便已失去了知觉。 楼梯倾斜了，而且倾斜的角度很奇怪。 雅各布生气的声音突然回想在我耳边，是一些很粗俗的咒骂。我模模糊糊感到有些反感，他的那些新朋友显然给他带来了坏影响。 我发现自己躺在沙发上，却不知道是怎样躺倒这里的，雅各布还在耳边咒骂，感觉像是地震了，沙发有些晃动。 “你对她做了些什么？”他责问道。 爱丽丝没理他：“贝拉？贝拉，快醒醒，我们得赶快。” “别过来。”雅各布警告她。 “镇定点，雅各布·布莱克，”爱丽丝命令道，“你不想在她身边这样做。” “我集中注意力没有什么困难。”他反诘道，但是声音更加冷静了。 “爱丽丝？”我的声音很虚弱，“发生了什么事？”我问道，虽然事情可能是我不愿意听到的，但我忍不住要问。 “我不知道，”她突然痛哭道，“真不知道他在想什么？！” 我忍着头痛，尽力坐起来。过了一会儿才意识到自己抓着的是雅各布的胳膊，在颤抖的不是沙发，而是雅各布的胳膊。 爱丽丝从她的包里拿出个银色的电话来，迅速拨了个号码，她的手指动的很快，因而看不清她拨号的动作。 “罗斯，我现在要和卡莱尔说话。”她的声音很急促，“好的，等他一回来就告诉我。不对，我会在飞机上。对了，你有任何爱德华的消息吗？” 爱丽丝这时停了下来，仔细听电话那段的回答，每一秒钟，她的表情变得更加惊讶，双唇因惊骇而张开，形成一个“O”字形，手上的电话在颤抖。 “为什么？”她气喘吁吁地问，“为什么你要这么做，罗莎莉？” 不知道对方做了什么回答，她的下颌因生气而绷紧着，双眼冒出怒火，眯了起来。 “这个，从两方面讲，你都做得不对，罗莎莉，这是个问题，你不觉得吗？”她生气地问道，“对，没错、她一点事儿也没有——是我错了......这个说来话长......但是关于那点你错了，所以我要打电话来.....没错，我看到的就是这个。” 她转过头看着我，流露出痛苦的神情。 “爱丽丝，”我很快说道。我得抢在她前面说，而她接下来的话摧毁了我生命中紧剩的一切，“爱丽丝，卡莱尔回来了，他刚打过电话.....” 她愣愣地看着我，空洞地问：“什么时候？” “就在你回来前半分钟。” “他说什么了？”现在她开始集中注意力了，等待我的回答。 “我没和他说话。”说着，我看了看雅各布。 爱丽丝严厉地瞪着雅各布。他退缩了，但还是站在我身边，他笨拙地坐下，好像是要用他的身体来挡住我似的。 “他找查理，我告诉他查理不在。”雅各布愤慨地答道。 “就这些了？”爱丽丝用冰冷的声音问道。 “然后他就挂了我的电话。”雅各布应答道。他的脊椎骨一阵战栗，我也因此被震动了。 “你告诉他查理在葬礼上。”我提醒他。 
爱丽丝很快转过头看着我问：“他具体是怎么说的？” “他说：‘他不在这儿，’然后卡莱尔问查理在哪儿，雅各布说，‘在葬礼上’。” 爱丽丝发出一声呻吟，突然跪在地上。 “告诉我爱丽丝。”我轻声说。 “电话上的不是卡莱尔。”她无助地说。 “你认为我说谎？”在我身边的雅各布叫道。 爱丽丝没理他，专注地看着我困惑的脸。 “是爱德华，”爱丽丝低声说，“他以为你死了。” 我的大脑又恢复运转了，爱丽丝的话并不是我最害怕听到的，我感到如释重负。 “罗莎莉告诉他我自杀了，不是吗？”我一边说，一边如释重负地叹了口气。 “没错。”爱丽丝答道，眼睛里又闪现出愤怒的神色。 “从她的角度来看，她的确认为这就是事实。他们过于依赖我的视觉了，而我的视觉并不完美。但是她居然寻找到他，把这事告诉他了！难道她不知道.....或者不在乎.....”她的声音带有恐惧，渐渐地隐去。 “爱德华打电话来的时候，他以为雅各布说的是我的葬礼。”我突然意识到了。想到刚才曾经离他那么近，和他的声音只有几英寸的距离，我感到一阵刺痛。我抓着雅各布的手臂，指甲深深陷进了手臂中，但是他没有丝毫退缩。 爱丽丝奇怪地看着我，“你一点也不难过。”她喃喃地说。 “咳，他打电话来时时机的确不巧，但是一切都会弄明白的。下次他再打电话来，有人会告诉他.....到底.....什么.....”说着说着我没了声音。她迷惑地看着我，期待我留在喉咙里的话。 他为什么这么惊恐呢？问什么她一脸的痛苦、疑惑和恐惧？她刚才在电话中为什么和罗莎莉那样说话？和她看到的有关....还有罗莎莉的自责；罗莎莉对于任何发生在我身上的事从未感到自责，但是如果她伤害了她的家人，伤害了她的哥哥..... 
“贝拉，”爱丽丝轻声说，“爱德华再也不会打电话来了，他相信她说的。” “我.....不明白。”我一字一顿地说，费力地挤出这句话，爱丽丝开始向我解释。 “他要去意大利”听到这儿，我的心跳漏了一拍。 这时我的脑海又回荡着爱德华的声音，这声音并不是我的错觉，而是留在记忆中的平和的声音，但是这个声音足以穿透我的胸脯，在我的胸中留下一道裂口。这些话是他深爱着我的时候说的，他当时对我的爱我深信不疑。 没有你我活不下去！记得他是在我们一起看罗密欧与朱丽叶死去时说这话的，恰恰就在这个房间，但我不知道该怎么个死法....我知道艾美特和贾斯帕一定不会帮我的....所以我想也许可以去意大利，犯点事，激怒沃尔图里....我们不能激怒他们，除非自己想找死！ 除非自己想找死！ “不！！”我几乎尖声叫道，和刚才的轻声喃语比起来，这声音非常大，我们大家都跳了起来，当我意识到她看到了些什么时，血液顿时冲上脸来：“不！不！！不！！！不！！！！他不能！他不能那样做！！” “当从你的朋友的电话中得知已无法挽救你了，他就下定了决心。” “但是他.....他离开了！他再也不想要我了！这样又有什么不同？他知道我早晚会死的！” “我想他从来没想过要比你活得长。”爱丽丝很快答道。 “他怎么敢这样做？！”我叫道，跪在了地上，雅各布不确定地站在爱丽丝和我的中间。 “哦，别挡在中间，雅各布！”我绝望中，不耐烦地用手肘挤开全身颤抖的雅各布，到爱丽丝跟前，“我们该怎么办？”我央求道，总该有个办法吧，“我们不能打电话给他？卡莱尔能打电话给他吗？” 她摇着头，“我第一下就试了。他把电话留在瑞欧的一个垃圾箱里了——有人接了电话......”她轻声说。 
“你刚才说我们要赶快。赶快做什么？我们快去做，无论什么我都做！” “贝拉，我——我觉得不能让你去.....”她犹豫不决，没有说下去。 “让我去！”我命令道。 她双手搭在我的肩膀上，手指偶尔抓紧我的肩膀，强调着她的话：“我们有可能已经太晚了。我看到他进了沃尔图里.....请求被处死。”我们俩都瑟缩了，我的双眼突然什么也看不见了，只有眼泪，“现在一切都要看他们的选择，我必须等到他们作出决定时才能看见。” “但是如果他们说不，他们也有可能说不的——阿罗很喜欢卡莱尔，不想得罪他——爱德华还有个备用计划，他们对城市的保护意识很强。如果爱德华做点什么破坏那里的平静，他想他们会采取行动阻止他，他想得没错，他们会的。” 我挫败地看着他，我还不知道现在我们为什么还要待在这里。 “所以如果他们同意他的请求的话，我们也太晚了。如果他们说不，然后他又很快采取备用方案的话，我们也太晚了。如果他会采用更夸张一点的举措.....我们可能还来得及。” “我们走吧！” “听着，贝拉！无论我们是否来得及，我们都会到达沃尔图里城的中心。要是他的行动成功了，我会被视为他的同谋。而你属于人类，不但知道了太多，而且味道很好闻。很可能他们会把我们全都消灭掉.....对你来说惩罚就是作为他们的午餐。” “我们还待在这儿就是为了这个？”我不相信地问道，“要是你害怕我一个人去。”我在脑海里算了算自己账户上剩下的钱，想着不知爱丽丝能否再借我一些。 “我唯一怕的是你被杀害。” 我反感地说道：“我几乎每天都在想怎么让自己死去！还要你告诉我该怎么做！” “你给查理留个便条，我打电话到航空公司。” “查理。”我吃力地问。 倒不是说我在这儿能保护他，但我是否可以留下他独自面对...... “我不会让查理发生任何事情的，”雅各布的声音粗暴而充满愤怒，“撕毁条约。” 我抬头看着他，他板着脸看着我一脸惊慌的样子。 “快点，贝拉。”爱丽丝催促道。 我冲向厨房，猛地拉开抽屉，把抽屉中的东西倒在地上，想找一支笔。这时，一只棕色皮肤的手递来一支笔。 “谢谢。”我喃喃地说，用牙齿卸下笔套。他又安静地递给我便签纸，上面还有我们记下的电话信息。我撕下第一页，扔在背后。 爸爸，我写道，我和爱丽丝在一起。爱德华遇到困难了。我回来后你再教训我吧。我知道这是个困难时期。很抱歉，深爱着你。贝拉。 “别走。”雅各布轻声说。这时爱丽丝不在场，他的怒气也全消了。 我不想费时间和他争论，于是说：“请你，一定一定好好照顾查理。”我一边说着，一边走向前门。爱丽地肩上背着个包，已经在门口等我了。 “带上钱包——你需要身份证明。请你告诉我你是有护照的，我可没时间伪造护照。” 我点点头，冲到楼上，双膝发软，但是此刻我很感谢妈妈曾经一度想要在墨西哥的海滩上和菲尔结婚。当然，这个想法和她的其他计划一样成了泡影。不过在这事泡汤之前，我倒是给她办好了所有的手续。 我闯进自己房间，在旧钱包里塞满了钱，背包里装了件干净的T恤，一条长运动裤，一支牙刷，然后冲下楼去。这整个过程给我一种似曾相识的感觉，几乎有点儿令我窒息。不过，至少和上次不同——上次我是逃离福克斯，避免被饥饿的吸血鬼伤害，而不是去寻找吸血鬼——我不用亲口和查理说再见。 雅各布和爱丽丝在前门互相对峙，他们彼此距离很远，几乎看不出他们在交谈，他们俩好像都没有注意到风风火火走下楼梯的我。 “有时候你也许比较善于自我控制，但是你要带她去见的这些吸血鬼.....”雅各布非常愤怒地指责她。 “没错，你说得对，小人，”爱丽丝也在大吼，“沃尔图里是我们中最厉害的——这解释了为什么每次你闻到我的味道时就会毛发倒立。这是你的噩梦，是你本能的恐惧，对这些我也稍有了解。” “你把她带去，就像带了瓶酒去参加他们的派对一样。”他吼道。 “你觉得要是我把她留在家里，让维多利亚威胁她会更好受吗！” “那个红发鬼我们能对付。” “那为什么她还在到处捕猎？” 雅各布发出一声怒吼，随之一阵颤抖。 “别吵了！”我不耐烦地对他们俩大叫道，“等我们回来后再吵，我们走！” 爱丽丝朝着她的车子快步走去，我紧随其后，又本能地停下来，锁上了门。 雅各布用发抖的手抓着了我的胳膊：“请你，贝拉，我求你了。” 他黑色的眼睛里噙着泪水，我的喉咙哽咽了。 “雅各，我不得不.....” “不行，你不是非去不可的。你可以在这里和我在一起，你可以活下来，为查理，也为我。” 卡莱尔的奔驰车已经发动了，由于爱丽丝很着急的发动着，车子发出刺耳的声音。 我摇摇头，感到一阵心痛，眼泪夺眶而出。我挣脱了雅各布的手，雅各布没有再作努力。 “千万别死，贝拉，”他哽咽道，“别走，别.....” 要是我永远见不到他了呢？ 想到这里我再也忍不住了，发出了低声的呜咽，我抱着他的腰，紧紧地拥抱着，唯有觉得这一刻太短暂了。我流着泪的脸扎在他的胸口，他的大手摸着我的头发，好像这样可以把我拖住一样。 “再见，雅各。”我拉开了他放在我头发上的手，吻了吻他的掌心，忍不住看看他的脸，“对不起。”我喃喃地说。 
说完我便向车子冲去。车子对着人行道一侧的门正开着等我进去。我把背包扔在车座枕头上，然后闪进车里，呯的一声关上了车门。 “照顾好查理！”我回过头来朝着车窗叫道，但已不见了雅各布的身影。爱丽丝加大了油门——车胎发出像人嘶叫般的刮擦声——然后便调转身子，上了马路。我在树丛边缘瞟见了一丝白色和鞋子的一角。
Chapter 19 Hate
WE MADE OUR FLIGHT WITH SECONDS TO SPARE, AND THEN the true torture began. Theplane sat idle on the tarmac while the flight attendants strolled—so casually—up and down the aisle,patting the bags in the overhead compartments to make sure everything fit. The pilots leaned out of thecockpit, chatting with them as they passed. Alice's hand was hard on my shoulder, holding me in my seatwhile I bounced anxiously up and down.
　　"It's faster than running," she reminded me in a low voice.
　　I just nodded in time with my bouncing.
　　At last the plane rolled lazily from the gate, building speed with a gradual steadiness that tortured mefurther. I expected some kind of relief when we achieved liftoff, but my frenzied impatience didn't lessen.
　　Alice lifted the phone on the back of the seat in front of her before we'd stopped climbing, turning herback on the stewardess who eyed her with disapproval. Something about my expression stopped thestewardess from coming over to protest.
　　I tried to tune out what Alice was murmuring to Jasper; I didn't want to hear the words again, but someslipped through.
　　"I can't be sure, I keep seeing him do different things, he keeps changing his mind… A killing spreethrough the city, attacking the guard, lifting a car over his head in the main square… mostly things thatwould expose them—he knows that's the fastest way to force a reaction…""No, you can't." Alice's voice dropped till it was nearly inaudible, though I was sitting inches from her.
　　Contrarily, I listened harder. "Tell Emmett no… Well, go after Emmett and Rosalie and bring themback… Think about it, Jasper. If he sees any of us, what do you think he will do?"She nodded. "Exactly. I think Bella is the only chance—if there is a chance… I'll do everything that canbe done, but prepare Carlisle; the odds aren't good."She laughed then, and there was a catch in her voice. "I've thought of that… Yes, I promise." Her voicebecame pleading. "Don't follow me. I promise, Jasper. One way or another, I'll get out… And I loveyou."She hung up, and leaned back in her seat with her eyes closed. "I hate lying to him.""Tell me everything, Alice," I begged. "I don't understand. Why did you tell Jasper to stop Emmett, whycan't they come help us?""Two reasons," she whispered, her eyes still closed. "The first I told him. We could try to stop Edwardourselves—if Emmett could get his hands on him, we might be able to stop him long enough to convincehim you're alive. But we can't sneak up on Edward. And if he sees us coming for him, he'll just act thatmuch faster. He'll throw a Buiclc through a wall or something, and the Volturi will take him down.
　　"That's the second reason of course, the reason I couldn't say to Jasper. Because if they're there and theVolturi kill Edward, they'll fight them. Bella." She opened her eyes and stared at me, beseeching. "If therewere any chance we could win… if there were a way that the four of us could save my brother byfighting for him, maybe it would be different. But we can't, and, Bella, I can't lose Jasper like that."I realized why her eyes begged for my understanding. She was protecting Jasper, at our expense, andmaybe at Edward's, too. I understood, and I did not think badly of her. I nodded.
　　"Couldn't Edward hear you, though.'" I asked. "Wouldn't he know, as soon as he heard your thoughts, that I was alive, that there was no point to this?"Not that there was any justification, either way. I still couldn't believe that he was capable of reacting likethis. It made no sense! I remembered with painful clarity his words that day on the sofa, while wewatched Romeo and Juliet kill themselves, one after the other. I wasn't going to live without you, he'dsaid, as if it should be such an obvious conclusion. But the words he had spoken in the forest as he'd leftme had canceled all that out—forcefully.
　　"If he were listening," she explained. "But believe it or not, it's possible to lie with your thoughts. If youhad died, I would still try to stop him. And I would be thinking 'she's alive, she's alive' as hard as I could.
　　He knows that."I ground my teeth in mute frustration.
　　"If there were any way to do this without you, Bella, I wouldn't be endangering you like this. It's verywrong of me.""Don't be stupid. I'm the last thing you should be worrying about." I shook my head impatiently. "Tell mewhat you meant, about hating to lie to Jasper."She smiled a grim smile. "I promised him I would get out before they killed me, too. It's not something Ican guarantee—not by a long shot." She raised her eyebrows, as if willing me to take the danger moreseriously.
　　"Who are these Volturi?" I demanded in a whisper. "What makes them so much more dangerous thanEmmett, Jasper, Rosalie, and you?" It was hard to imagine something scarier than that.
　　She took a deep breath, and then abruptly leveled a dark glance over my shoulder. I turned in time to seethe man in the aisle seat looking away as if he wasn't listening to us. He appeared to be a businessman, ina dark suit with a power tie and a laptop on his knees. While I stared at him with irritation, he opened thecomputer and very conspicuously put headphones on.
　　I leaned closer to Alice. Her lips were at my ears as she breathed the story.
　　"I was surprised that you recognized the name," she said. "That you understood so immediately what itmeant—when I said he was going to Italy. I thought I would have to explain. How much did Edward tellyou?""He just said they were an old, powerful family—like royalty. That you didn't antagonize them unless youwanted to… die," I whispered. The last word was hard to choke out.
　　"You have to understand," she said, her voice slower, more measured now. "We Cullens are unique inmore ways than you know. It's… abnormal for so many of us to live together in peace. It's the same forTanya's family in the north, and Carlisle speculates that abstaining makes it easier for us to be civilized, toform bonds based on love rather than survival or convenience. Even James's little coven of three wasunusually large—and you saw how easily Laurent left them. Our kind travel alone, or in pairs, as ageneral rule. Carlisle's family is the biggest in existence, as far as I know, with the one exception. TheVolturi.
　　"There were three of them originally, Aro, Caius, and Marcus.""I've seen them," I mumbled. "In the picture in Carlisle's study."Alice nodded. "Two females joined them over time, and the five of them make up the family. I'm not sure, but I suspect that their age is what gives them the ability to live peacefully together. They are well overthree thousand years old. Or maybe it's their gifts that give them extra tolerance. Like Edward and I, Aroand Marcus are… talented."She continued before I could ask. "Or maybe it's just their love of power that binds them together.
　　Royalty is an apt description.""But if there are only five—""Five that make up the family," she corrected. "That doesn't include their guard."I took a deep breath. "That sounds… serious.""Oh, it is," she assured me. "There were nine members of the guard that were permanent, the last time weheard. Others are more… transitory. It changes. And many of them are gifted as well—with formidablegifts, gifts that make what I can do look like a parlor trick. The Volturi chose them for their abilities,physical or otherwise."I opened my mouth, and then closed it. I didn't think I wanted to know how bad the odds were.
　　She nodded again, as if she understood exactly what I was thinking. "They don't get into too manyconfrontations. No one is stupid enough to mess with them. They stay in their city, leaving only as dutycalls.""Duty?" I wondered.
　　"Didn't Edward tell you what they do?""No," I said, feeling the blank expression on my face.
　　Alice looked over my head again, toward the businessman, and put her wintry lips back to my ear.
　　"There's a reason he called them royalty… the ruling class. Over the millennia, they have assumed theposition of enforcing our rules—which actually translates to punishing transgressors. They fulfill that dutydecisively."My eyes popped wide with shock. "There are rules?" I asked in a voice that was too loud.
　　"Shh!""Shouldn't somebody have mentioned this to me earlier?" I whispered angrily. "I mean, I wanted to bea… to be one of you! Shouldn't somebody have explained the rules to me?"Alice chuckled once at my reaction. "It's not that complicated, Bella. There's only one corerestriction—and if you think about it, you can probably figure it out for yourself."I thought about it. "Nope, I have no idea."She shook her head, disappointed. "Maybe it's too obvious. We just have to keep our existence asecret.""Oh," I mumbled. It was obvious.
　　"It makes sense, and most of us don't need policing," she continued. "But, after a few centuries,sometimes one of us gets bored. Or crazy. I dor't know. And then the Volturi step in before it can compromise them, or the rest of us.""So Edward…""Is planning to flout that in their own city—the city they've secretly held for three thousand years, sincethe time of the Etruscans. They are so protective of their city that they don't allow hunting within its walls.
　　Volterra is probably the safest city in the world—from vampire attack at the very least.""But you said they didn't leave. How do they eat?""They don't leave. They bring in their food from the outside, from quite far away sometimes. It gives theirguard something to do when they're not out annihilating mavericks. Or protecting Volterra fromexposure…""From situations like this one, like Edward," I finished her sentence. It was amazingly easy to say hisname now. I wasn't sure what the difference was. Maybe because I wasn't really planning on living muchlonger without seeing him. Or at all, if we were too late. It was comforting to know that I would have aneasy out.
　　"I doubt they've ever had a situation quite like this," she muttered, disgusted. "You don't get a lot ofsuicidal vampires."The sound that escaped out of my mouth was very quiet, but Alice seemed to understand that it was acry of pain. She wrapped her thin, strong arm around my shoulders.
　　"We'll do what we can, Bella. It's not over yet.""Not yet." I let her comfort me, though I knew she thought our chances were poor. "And the Volturi willget us if we mess up."Alice stiffened. "You say that like it's a good thing."I shrugged.
　　"Knock it off, Bella, or we're turning around in New York and going back to Forks.""What?""You know what. If we're too late for Edward, I'm going to do my damnedest to get you back toCharlie, and I don't want any trouble from you. Do you understand that?""Sure, Alice."She pulled back slightly so that she could glare at me. "No trouble.""Scout's honor," I muttered.
　　She rolled her eyes.
　　"Let me concentrate, now. I'm trying to see what he's planning."She left her arm around me, but let her head fall back against the seat and closed her eyes. She pressedher free hand to the side of her face, rubbing her fingertips against her temple.
　　I watched her in fascination for a long time. Eventually, she became utterly motionless, hei face like a stone sculpture. The minutes passed, and if I didn't know better, I would have thought she'd fallen asleep.
　　I didn't dare interrupt her to ask what was going on.
　　I wished there was something safe for me to think about. I couldn't allow myself to consider the horrorswe were headed toward, or, more horrific yet, the chance that we might fail—not if I wanted to keepfrom screaming aloud.
　　I couldn't anticipate anything, either. Maybe, if I were very, very, very lucky, I would somehow be ableto save Edward. But I wasn't so stupid as to think that saving him would mean that I could stay with him.
　　I was no different, no more special than I'd been before. There would be no new reason for him to wantme now. Seeing him and losing him again…I fought back against the pain. This was the price I had to pay to save his life. I would pay it.
　　They showed a movie, and my neighbor got headphones. Sometimes I watched the figures movingacross the little screen, but I couldn't even tell if the movie was supposed to be a romance or a horrorfilm.
　　After an eternity, the plane began to descend toward New York City. Alice remained in her trance. Idithered, reaching out to touch her, only to pull my hand back again. This happened a dozen times beforethe plane touched town with a jarring impact.
　　"Alice," I finally said. "Alice, we have to go."I touched her arm.
　　Her eyes came open very slowly. She shook her head from side to side for a moment.
　　"Anything new?" I asked in a low voice, conscious of the man listening on the other side of me.
　　"Not exactly," she breathed in a voice I could barely catch. "He's getting closer. He's deciding how he'sgoing to ask."We had to run for our connection, but that was good—better than having to wait. As soon as the planewas in the air, Alice closed her eyes and slid back into the same stupor as before. I waited as patiently asI could. When it was dark again, I opened the window to stare out into the flat black that was no betterthan the window shade.
　　I was grateful that I'd had so many months' practice with controlling my thoughts. Instead of dwelling onthe terrifying possibilities that, no matter what Alice said, I did not intend to survive, I concentrated onlesser problems. Like, what I was going to say to Charlie if I got back:' That was a thorny enoughproblem to occupy several hours. And Jacob? He'd promised to wait for me, but did that promise stillapply? Would I end up home alone in Forks, with no one at all? Maybe I didn't want to survive, nomatter what happened.
　　It felt like seconds later when Alice shook my shoulder—I hadn't realized I'd fallen asleep.
　　"Bella," she hissed, her voice a little too loud in the darkened cabin full of sleeping humans.
　　I wasn't disoriented—I hadn't been out long enough for that.
　　"What's wrong?"Alice's eyes gleamed in the dim light of a reading lamp in the row behind us.
　　 "It's not wrong." She smiled fiercely. "It's right. They're deliberating, but they've decided to tell him no.""The Volturi?" I muttered, groggy.
　　"Of course, Bella, keep up. I can see what they're going to say.""Tellme."An attendant tiptoed down the aisle to us. "Can I get you ladies a pillow?" His hushed whisper was arebuke to our comparatively loud conversation.
　　"No, thank you." Alice beamed at up at him, her smile shockingly lovely. The attendant's expression wasdazed as he turned and stumbled his way back.
　　"Tell me," I breathed almost silently.
　　She whispered into my ear. "They're interested in him—they think his talent could be uselul. They're goingto offer him a place with them.""What will he say?""I can't see that yet, but I'll bet it's colorful." She grinned again. "This is the first good news—the firstbreak. They're intrigued; they truly don't want to destroy him—'wasteful,' that's the word Aro willuse—and that may be enough to force him to get creative. The longer he spends on his plans, the betterfor us."It wasn't enough to make me hopeful, to make me feel the relief she obviously felt. There were still somany ways that we could be too late. And if I didn't get through the walls into the Volturi city, I wouldn'tbe able to stop Alice from dragging me back home.
　　"Alice?""What?""I'm confused. How are you seeing this so clearly? And then other times, you see things far away—thingsthat don't happen?"Her eyes tightened. I wondered if she guessed what I was thinking of.
　　"It's clear because it's immediate and close, and I'm really concentrating. The faraway things that come ontheir own—those are just glimpses, faint maybes. Plus, I see my kind more easily than yours. Edward iseven easier because I'm so attuned to him.""You see me sometimes," I reminded her.
　　She shook her head. "Not as clearly."I sighed. "I really wish you could have been right about me. In the beginning, when you first saw thingsabout me, before we even met…""What do you mean?""You saw me become one of you." I barely mouthed the words.
　　She sighed. "It was a possibility at the time." "At the time," I repeated.
　　"Actually, Bella…" She hesitated, and then seemed to make a choice. "Honestly, I think it's all gottenbeyond ridiculous. I'm debating whether to just change you myself."I stared at her, frozen with shock. Instantly, my mind resisted her words. I couldn't afford that kind ofhope if she changed her mind.
　　"Did I scare you?" she wondered. "I thought that's what you wanted.""I do!" I gasped. "Oh, Alice, do it now! I could help you so much—and I wouldn't slow you down. Biteme!""Shh," she cautioned. The attendant was looking in our direction again. "Try to be reasonable," shewhispered. "We don't have enough time. We have to get into Volterra tomorrow. You'd be writhing inpain for days." She made a face. "And I don't think the other passengers would react well."I bit my lip. "If you don't do it now, you'll change your mind.""No." She frowned, her expression unhappy. "I don't think I will. He'll be furious, but what will he be ableto do about it?"My heart beat faster. "Nothing at all."She laughed quietly, and then sighed. "You have too much faith in me, Bella. I'm not sure that I can. I'llprobably just end up killing you.""I'll take my chances.""You are so bizarre, even for a human.""Thanks.""Oh well, this is purely hypothetical at this point, anyway. First we have to live through tomorrow.""Good point." But at least I had something to hope for if we did. If Alice made good on herpromise—and if she didn't kill me—then Edward could run after his distractions all he wanted, and Icould follow. I wouldn't let him be distracted. Maybe, when I was beautiful and strong, he wouldn't wantdistractions.
　　"Go back to sleep," she encouraged me. "I'll wake you up when there's something new.""Right," I grumbled, certain that sleep was a lost cause now. Alice pulled her legs up on the seat,wrapping her arms around them and leaning her forehead against her knees. She rocked back and forthas she concentrated.
　　I rested my head against the seat, watching her, and the next thing I knew, she was snapping the shadeclosed against the faint brightening in the eastern sky.
　　"What's happening?" I mumbled.
　　"They've told him no," she said quietly. I noticed at once that her enthusiasm was gone.
　　My voice choked in my throat with panic. "What's he going to do?" "It was chaotic at first. I was only getting flickers, he was changing plans so quickly.""What kinds of plans?" I pressed.
　　"There was a bad hour," she whispered. "He'd decided to go hunting."She looked at me, seeing the comprehension in my face.
　　"In the city," she explained. "It got very close. He changed his mind at the last minute.""He wouldn't want to disappoint Carlisle," I mumbled. Not at the end.
　　"Probably," she agreed.
　　"Will there be enough time?" As I spoke, there was a shift in the cabin pressure. I could feel the planeangling downward.
　　"I'm hoping so—if he sticks to his latest decision, maybe.""What is that?""He's going to keep it simple. He's just going to walk out into the sun."Just walk out into the sun. That was all.
　　It would be enough. The image of Edward in the meadow—glowing, shimmering like his skin was madeof a million diamond facets—was burned into my memory. No human who saw that would ever forget.
　　The Volturi couldn't possibly allow it. Not if they wanted to keep their city inconspicuous.
　　I looked at the slight gray glow that shone through the opened windows. "We'll be too late," I whispered,my throat closing in panic.
　　She shook her head. "Right now, he's leaning toward the melodramatic. He wants the biggest audiencepossible, so he'll choose the main plaza, under the clock tower. The walls are high there. He'll wait till thesun is exactly overhead.""So we have till noon?""If we're lucky. If he sticks with this decision."The pilot came on over the intercom, announcing, first in French and then in English, our imminentlanding. The seat belt lights dinged and flashed.
　　"How far is it from Florence to Volterra?""That depends on how fast you drive… Bella?""Yes?"She eyed me speculatively. "How strongly are you opposed to grand theft auto?"A bright yellow Porsche screamed to a stop a few feet in front of where I paced, the word TURBOscrawled in silver cursive across its back. Everyone beside me on the crowded airport sidewalk stared.
　　"Hurry, Bella!" Alice shouted impatiently through the open passenger window.
　　 I ran to the door and threw myself in, feeling as though I might as well be wearing a black stocking overmy head.
　　"Sheesh, Alice," I complained. "Could you pick a more conspicuous car to steal?"The interior was black leather, and the windows were tinted dark. It felt safer inside, like nighttime.
　　Alice was already weaving, too fast, through the thick airport traffic—sliding through tiny spaces betweenthe cars as I cringed and fumbled for my seat belt.
　　"The important question," she corrected, "is whether I could have stolen a faster car, and I don't think so.
　　I got lucky.""I'm sure that will be very comforting at the roadblock."She trilled a laugh. "Trust me, Bella. If anyone sets up a roadblock, it will be behind us." She hit the gasthen, as if to prove her point.
　　I probably should have watched out the window as first the city of Florence and then the Tuscanlandscape flashed past with blurring speed. This was my first trip anywhere, and maybe my last, too. ButAlice's driving frightened me, despite the fact that I knew I could trust her behind the wheel. And I wastoo tortured with anxiety to really see the hills or the walled towns that looked like castles in the distance.
　　"Do you see anything more?""There's something going on," Alice muttered. "Some kind of festival. The streets are full of people andred flags. What's the date today?"I wasn't entirely sure. "The nineteenth, maybe?""Well, that's ironic. It's Saint Marcus Day.""Which means?"She chuckled darkly. "The city holds a celebration every year. As the legend goes, a Christianmissionary, a Father Marcus—Marcus of the Voltun, in fact—drove all the vampires from Volterrafifteen hundred years ago. The story claims he was martyred in Romania, still trying to drive away thevampire scourge. Of course that's nonsense—he's never left the city. But that's where some of thesuperstitions about things like crosses and garlic come from. Father Marcus used them so successfully.
　　And vampires don't trouble Volterra, so they must work." Her smile was sardonic. "It's become more ofa celebration of the city, and recognition for the police force—after all, Volterra is an amazingly safe city.
　　The police get the credit."I was realizing what she meant when she'd said ironic. "They're not going to be very happy if Edwardmesses things up for them on St. Marcus Day, are they?"She shook her head, her expression grim. "No. They'll act very quickly."I looked away, fighting against my teeth as they tried to break through the skin of my lower lip. Bleedingwas not the best idea right now.
　　The sun was terrifyingly high in the pale blue sky.
　　"He's still planning on noon?" I checked.
　　 "Yes. He's decided to wait. And they're waiting for him.""Tell me what I have to do."She kept her eyes on the winding road—the needle on the speedometer was touching the far right on thedial.
　　"You don't have to do anything. He just has to see you before he moves into the light. And he has to seeyou before he sees me.""How are we going to work that?"A small red car seemed to be racing backward as Alice zoomed around it.
　　"I'm going to get you as close as possible, and then you're going to run in the direction I point you."I nodded.
　　"Try not to trip," she added. "We don't have time for a concussion today."I groaned. That would be just like me—ruin everything, destroy the world, in a moment of klutziness.
　　The sun continued to climb in the sky while Alice raced against it. It was too brigh:, and that had mepanicking. Maybe he wouldn't feel the need to wait for noon after all.
　　"There," Alice said abruptly, pointing to the castle city atop the closest hill.
　　I stared at it, feeling the very first hint of a new kind of fear. Every minute since yesterday morning—itseemed like a week ago—when Alice had spoken his name at the foot of the stairs, there had been onlyone fear. And yet, now, as I stared at the ancient sienna walls and towers crowning the peak of the steephill, I felt another, more selfish kind of dread thrill through me.
　　I supposed the city was very beautiful. It absolutely terrified me.
　　"Volterra," Alice announced in a flat, icy voice.19  厌恶 
 
我们在飞机还有几秒就起飞时赶到了，然后真正的折磨才刚开始。飞机悠闲地停在停机坪上，乘务员从容地在机舱走廊内来回走动，拍打着顶上的行李舱，确认包裹已堆放妥当。飞行员头探出驾驶舱，和正好经过的乘务员聊上几句。爱丽丝的手搭在我的肩上，当我上下颠簸的时候，把我按在椅子上。 “总比跑步要快。”她低声提醒我。 我点头的时候正好被弹了起来。 最后，飞机缓缓地滑过大门，速度逐渐增快，我所受的折磨也越来越大。我还以为起飞后会好受点，但是我极度烦躁和不耐烦的心情丝毫不减。 飞机还没完全起飞，爱丽丝拿起前座后背里面的手机，转身背对着微微不满的乘务员。我脸上的表情使得乘务员没有走过来阻止。 爱丽丝和贾斯帕打电话的时候，我试图不去听。我不想听到他们的对话，但是一些话还是不时地钻进我的耳朵。 “我不确信，我看见他不停做着不同的事情，不断改变主意.....在城市中毫无节制地瞎闹，袭击保安，在广场上把一辆车举过头顶.....做一些使他们不得不出来制止的事情——他知道这是最好的逼迫他们的方法.....” “不行，你不能这样做。”爱丽丝把声音压得很低，使我离她非常近几乎听不到，于是，我更加用心听，“告诉艾美特.....跟着艾美特和罗莎莉，把他们带回来....好好考虑一下，贾斯帕。如果他看见我们当中的任何一个，你想他会怎么做？” 她点点头说：“正是如此。我认为贝拉是我们唯一的希望——如果还有机会的话.....我会尽一切努力的。让卡莱尔作好准备，情况不是很乐观。” 她随后笑了，从她的声音听来，好像有点儿眉目。“我想过这一点.....好的，我保证。”她声音带着请求的语气，“不用跟着我，我保证，贾斯帕。不管怎么样，我会逃出来的.....我爱你。” 她挂断电话，闭上眼睛，倚靠在座位上：“我讨厌对他说谎。” “告诉我一切，爱丽丝, ”我祈求到。“我不明白，你为什么让Jasper阻止Emmett，为什么他们不能帮助我们？”“两个原因”她仍闭着眼睛，低声说，第一个我跟他说了。我们能亲自阻止爱德华——如果艾美特拖住他的话。我们会有足够的时间说服他你还活着，但是我们不能跟踪爱德华。如果他知道我们来找他，他会加快行动的。他会把一辆别克朝墙上砸去，那么沃尔图里就会抓住他。 “第二个原因，我不能告诉贾斯帕，因为他们在场，如果沃尔图里杀死爱德华的话，他们会打起来的，贝拉。”她睁开眼睛看着我，恳求道，“如果我们侥幸能赢......如果我们四个人能救回我哥哥，事情就完全不同了。但是，我们不能，贝拉，我不能让贾斯帕这么白白牺牲。” 我意识到为什么她用乞求的眼神看着我了。她为了保护贾斯帕，宁可牺牲我们自己，也许牺牲了爱德华。我理解，一点都不怪她。于是我点了点头。 “难道爱德华不能感受到你的心声吗？”我问她，“他不可以通过你的思想了解到我还活着，然后意识到没有必要那么做吗？” 谁也没有任何解释。我还是不能相信他会这么做。完全没有道理！我很清楚地记着那天我们坐在沙发上一起看罗密欧与朱丽叶一前一后的自杀。他说，你死了我也不要独自活着！好像这就是最后的结果，但是她在森林里离开我时说的话硬是把所有的一切给否定掉了。 “如果他在听的话，”她接着解释，“不管你信不信，我们可以用思想说谎的。如果你真的死了，我还是会努力阻止他的。我会很努力地一直想着‘她还活着，她还活着’，他知道这一点。” 我无奈地咬咬牙。 “如果有其他方法可以选择，贝拉，我不会把你卷入危险之中的，都是我不好。” “别傻了。你根本不用担心我。”我不耐烦地摇摇头，“告诉我你刚才说讨厌对贾斯帕说谎是什么意思？” 她苦笑一下：“我答应他我会在他们杀我之前逃出来，这不是我所能控制的——完全不是。”她扬了扬眉毛，好像提醒我危险性的客观存在。 “谁是沃尔图里？”我小声问，“他们为什么比艾美特、贾斯帕、罗莎莉还有你可怕？”很难想象比这更可怕地事物了。 她深吸一口气，然后突然向我身后看了看。我转过头看见一个男人站在走廊上装做没看见我们似的朝别处看，他看起来像个生意人，黑色的西装，膝盖上放着一部笔记本电脑。当我恼怒地看着他的时候，他打开电脑，装模作样地带上耳机。 我靠近爱丽丝，她轻声对我耳语，告诉了我全部的事情。 “我很奇怪你知道这个名字，”她说，“当我说他要去意大利的时候，你一听就明白了，我还以为我得解释一番呢。爱德华到底告诉你多少事情？” “他只是说过他们是一个古老的家族——像皇族一样。如果......不想死的话，就不用和他们为敌。”我小声说，“死”这个字很难说出口。 “你必须明白，”她说着，把声音降得更低，更小心翼翼，“我们卡伦家族比你想象的更加神秘。我们这么多人和平共处是......不太寻常的。北方的坦尼娅家族一样。卡莱尔认为是自我克制让我们变的文明，使我们能把关系建立在相爱而不是为了生存和寻求便利的基础上。即便是詹姆斯的三女巫聚在一起都嫌人多——你可以明白为什么劳伦这么轻易地就离开了她们。我们一般单独行动，或者俩人结伴。据我所知，卡莱尔家族是目前最大的，当然是出了另外一个，这另一个就是沃尔图里家族。” “他们一开始就三个人，阿罗、凯厄思和马库斯。” “我见过他们，”我低声说，“在卡莱尔书房里的画上。”爱丽丝点点头：“后来有两个女人加入他们，他们五个人后来组成了家庭。我不是很清楚，但是我想他们能够和谐相处是因为年龄相仿吧。他们都有三千多岁了。或者是他们的才能使他们彼此相互忍耐，就像爱德华和我一样，阿罗和马库斯......也是法力不凡的。”她不等我回答就继续说道，“也许是他们对权利共同的热爱把他们连在一起，皇族也许是个恰当的描述。”“如果只有五个人......”“那个家庭一共五个人，”她纠正道，“不包括守卫。”我深吸一口气：“听起来.....很严重。”“是的，”她对我说，“上次我们听说现在那个家族有九个固定守卫，其他的都是.....暂时的，一切都在变。这些守卫中很多人法力也很强，他们的才能让我觉得自己的能力像是雕虫小技。沃尔图里家族根据个人的能力、体能，或者其他方面的特长来选拔守卫。”我张开嘴，又闭上了，我不太想知道困难有多大。她又点了点头，好像明白我在想什么：“他们和别人没有太多的冲突，没有人会蠢到去惹他们。他们待在自己的城市里，有差遣才出去一下。”“差遣？”我不明白。“爱德华没有告诉你他们都干些什么吗？”“没有。”我一脸的迷茫。爱丽丝朝我后面的生意人看了一眼，把冰冷的嘴凑到我的耳边。“他叫他们为皇族是因为.....他们是统治者。一千多年了，他们夺到了执行法律的权利——事实上是惩戒违规者的权利，他们执法很果断。”我的眼睛一下子瞪得很大：“还有规则？”我的声音有点儿大了。“嘘！”“怎么没有人早点告诉我？”我小声地抱怨着，“我是说，我想成为.....加入你们！怎么没人跟我提过规矩？”爱丽丝被我的反应逗笑了：“没那么复杂，贝拉，只有一条核心准则——如果你好好想想，也许就会猜到的。”我想了想：“不知道。”她失望地摇摇头：“可能是太明显了，我们必须对自己的身份保密。”“哦。”我嘀咕着，过去是很明显。“很好理解，我们大都不需要管制，”她接着说，“但是几个世纪过去了，有些人觉得无聊了，或者说疯了，我不清楚。沃尔图里家族就插手了，防止把大家都牵扯进去。”“所以，爱德华他......”“计划在他们的老巢捣乱——那座他们隐居了三百年的古城，从伊特鲁利亚时期开始就隐居在那儿。他们对城市保护有加，不允许在城内捕杀。沃特拉城也许是世界上最安全的城市了——至少不会有吸血鬼的袭击。”“但是你说他们不离开那儿，他们吃什么呢？”“他们不离开城，但是从外面把猎物带进来，有时候从很远的地方。这使得守卫在不镇压独立行动，或者不需要保护沃特拉的时候有事可做.....”“像这次爱德华的行为就需要他们。”我接着她的话讲。现在说出他的名字简单多了，我不知道为什么，也许是见不到他我也没打算多活，如果我们太迟了的话，我根本不想活了，知道自己会死得比较容易反而轻松了许多。“我怀疑他们没有见过这样的事情，”她喃喃地说，“毕竟一心寻死的吸血鬼不多见。”我发出很轻的声音，但是爱丽丝好像听出我的痛苦，用瘦长而有力的手臂挽着我。“我们会尽最大的努力，贝拉，事情还没结束呢。”“还没有。”我听着她的安慰，虽然我知道她认为我们胜算很小，“如果我们乱了方寸，沃尔图里就会抓住我们。” 爱丽丝面部表情僵硬：“听你口气好像这是件好事似的。”我耸耸肩。“别想了，贝拉，否则我们只好绕纽约一圈，又回到福克斯了。”“什么？”“你知道吗？如果我们迟了，我会尽最大的努力把你送回到查理的身边，我不想你发生任何事情，你明白吗？”“明白，爱丽丝。”她稍稍向后，以便能看着我：“不要惹麻烦！”“我保证。”我答应道。她眼珠转了转。“让我们仔细想想，看他到底有什么计划。”她手还是搭在我的肩上，但是闭上眼睛靠在椅子上，另一只手放在脸上，用手指搓着太阳穴。我惊奇地盯着她看了好久，最后，她一动不动，脸像雕塑一般。时间一分分地过去，要不是我事先知道她在想事情，还会以为她睡着了，我不敢打断她的思路。我希望有什么安全点的事情好想想，不敢去想等待着我们的恐惧，更不敢想万一我们失败了怎么办。我怕自己叫出来。我不能预料任何事情。也许，很幸运的话，我可以救回爱德华，但是我没有天真到以为救了他我们就可以永远在一起了。我和以前一样，他没有理由再喜欢我了。再见到他然后又失去他.....我忍受住痛苦，如果它是救回爱德华的代价，我愿意这么做。他们在看电影，我旁边的人戴上耳机。有时候我看着小屏幕上的人影在晃动，但是我根本搞不清楚那电影是恐怖片还是爱情片。好久以后，飞机才开始降落纽约，爱丽丝坐着没动。我开始发抖，伸手想碰她，但又收回来。这样来来回回好多次，知道飞机砰地着地。“爱丽丝，”我终于叫出来了，“爱丽丝，我们得下了。”她慢慢睁开眼，晃着脑袋四处看看。“有什么新发现吗？”我小声问，对另外一边的那个男人保持警惕。“没有什么，”她声音小得我几乎听不见，“他走近了，正在想怎么开口发问。”我们必须赶去换机，这样很好——比干等着好。飞机一起飞，爱丽丝就和之前一样，以同样的姿势闭上眼睛，我耐心地等待着。天黑了，我打开窗户看着外面和遮光板一样黑的天空。真庆幸我训练了还几个月如何控制我的思想，虽然不管爱丽丝怎么安慰，我并不打算活着离开，但我控制住自己不去想这些恐怖的可能性，相反我开始想一些小的问题。比如，回到家后，我要怎么对查理说？这个问题够我想上几个小时了。还有雅各布怎么办？他答应过等我，但是这个承诺还有效吗？我会一个人住在福克斯，孤独终老吗？也许我根本不想活下去了，不管发生什么。感觉像是在几秒种后，爱丽丝摇摇我的肩——我这才意识到自己刚才不知不觉睡着了。“贝拉。”她轻声叫我，但是其他人都在沉睡中，她的声音先得有点大了。“怎么了？”爱丽丝的眼睛在后面的灯光下微微发亮。“没有什么，”我问道，有点晕呼呼的。“当然，贝拉，别睡。我看看他们说些什么。”“告诉我。”一位乘务员轻轻走过来：“两位女士需要枕头吗？”他轻声细语，仿佛是对我们大声交谈的指责。“不用，谢谢。”爱丽丝给他一个微笑，她的微笑非常迷人。那位乘务员愣住了，转身的时候晕头转向的，差点绊倒。“告诉我。”我几乎无声地说。她对着我的耳朵说：“他们对他有兴趣——认为他的才能非常有用，他们想给他职位。” “他会怎么做呢？” “我不知道，但肯定很有趣。”她又笑了笑，“这是第一个好消息，他们开始行动了；他们不想毁了他，‘太浪费’——阿罗会这么认为，这就会使他想尽办法。他计划拖得越久，对我们越有利。” 但这还不能使我充满希望，我并未能像她一样能松口气。我们迟到的可能性还是很大。如果我没有进入沃特拉城，爱丽丝就会把我拖回家。 “爱丽丝?” “什么事？” “我不明白，你怎么能看得这么清楚?有几次，你预料到很远的事情——还没发生的事情？” 她眉头紧锁起来，我猜想她是不是知道我在想什么了。 “因为很近，就快要发生，所以很清楚，我只是集中注意力罢了。该发生的事情中就会发生的——这些只不过是些苗头，而且我比你更明白我的同类。爱德华和我关系更紧密，也就更容易了。” “你有时候也明白我。”我提醒她。 她摇摇头：“没那么清楚。” 我叹了口气：“我真希望你能预料我的未来，最开始的时候，你还没遇见我就预料到……” “你什么意思？” “你预见到我会成为你们中的一员。”我挤出这句话。 她叹了口气：“当时确实有这个可能。” “当时。”我重复她的话。 “事实上，贝拉……”她犹豫了一下，做出了选择，“说实话，这听上去有点荒唐，我正考虑是不是干脆把你的命运改变。” 
我盯着她，惊呆了。立刻，我顶住了她这话的诱惑，万一她改变了主意我会很失望的。 “吓着你了吧？”她问，“我想这就是你想要的。” “是的！”我喘着气，“爱丽丝，现在就做吧！这样我就可以帮助你——不会拖你后腿，咬我吧！” “嘘，”她提醒我，“理智点，”她小声说“我们没有时间了。我们明天必须赶到沃特拉。你需要在痛苦中熬几天。”她做了个鬼脸。“我认为其他乘客会惊慌失措的。” 我咬了咬嘴唇：“如果你现在不做，以后会改变主意的。” “不会的，”她皱了皱眉，有点儿不高兴，“我不会改变主意，但是他会生气的，不过他又能有什么办法？” 我心跳加速：“他完全没有办法。” 她静静地笑着，又叹了一口气：“你太相信我了。贝拉，我不确定自己能够做到，可能最后只会杀了你。” “我愿意冒这个险。” “你太怪了，哪怕在人类当中你也是很怪的。” “谢谢夸奖。” “这只是假设，不管怎样，先过了明天再说。” “好的。”至少我觉得要是活过明天，我就有希望。如果爱丽丝信守诺言，如果她没杀了我，那爱德华就可以随心所欲地到处走，我就可以一直跟着他。我不会让他花心的，或许，要是我变得美丽、强大了，他就不会花心了。 “睡吧，”她对我说，“有新的消息我会叫醒你的。” “好的。”我应了声，知道自己再也睡不着了。爱丽丝收回椅子上的腿，双手抱膝，额头趴在膝盖上，开始专心地听了。 我靠在椅子上休息，看着她，接下来就记得她看着东方微白的天空，关上窗户。 “发生什么事了？”我问。 “他们跟他说不行了。”她平静地说，我注意到她的热情全无。 我的声音因为恐惧而哽咽：“那他打算怎么做？” “开始很乱。我只能听到一部分，他计划变动很快。” “什么样的计划？”我追问。 “最糟糕的时候，”她说，“他决定去捕猎了。” 她看着我，知道我没完全理解。 “他不想让卡莱尔失望。”我嘀咕着，即便到最后关头。 “也许吧。”她表示赞同。 “还有时间吗？”我说着，舱内气压有所变化，飞机准备降落。 “我想是的——只要他不改变目前的计划。” “什么计划？” “很简单，他想走到阳光底下去。” 走到阳光底下，就这样。 这就足够了。爱德华站在草地中间——闪闪发光，好像他的皮肤是由上千颗宝石组成的——对此我记忆尤为深刻，任何人看过这样的情形都不会忘怀的。沃尔图里如果不想引人注目，就绝不会允许这事发生。 我看着窗外的微弱的晨光，“我们赶不到了。”我小声说着，喉咙哽咽。 她摇摇头：“现在他正看着热闹的人群，他想等到人最多的时候。他选择了钟楼下的中心广场，那边的墙很高，他会等到太阳当头照的时候。” “所以我们还有时间。” “是的，如果我们够幸运，而且他没有改变计划的话。” 飞行员走到机舱连接处，先用法语，然后用英语，宣布我们即将降落。指示灯闪烁提醒系好安全带。 “从佛罗伦萨到福克斯要多久？” “根据你行驶的速度而定.....贝拉？” “什么？” 她打量了我一番问：“你是否强烈反对我偷车子？” 一辆崭新的黄色保时捷在我身边急停下来，车声后面镶嵌着银色的“最强涡轮TURBO”字样。拥堵的机场中，在我身边的行人都盯着我们。 “快点，贝拉!”爱丽丝急切地从车窗里喊我。 我跑到车门，钻了进去，恨不得套双黑袜子在头上。 “爱丽丝，”我抱怨道，“你怎么不挑选个更显眼的车子啊？” 车内是黑色的皮革，车窗也是黑的，在车子里面黑糊糊的，挺安全。 爱丽丝已经穿梭在车辆当中——穿过车辆之间的空隙，我赶紧摸寻到安全带系上。 “重要的是，”她纠正我说，“能不能偷到一辆更快的，已经不可能了，所以我运气很好了。” “恩，相信碰到路障的时候会很舒服的。” 她笑了笑：“放心，谁要是设路障的话，我保证超过它。”她踩足油门，好像为了证实她的话。 我本来似乎应该欣赏窗外的佛罗伦萨和托斯卡纳的风景。毕竟，这是我第一次远行，也可能是最后一次。但是爱丽丝开得太快，尽管我相信她的车技，但还是有些害怕。我太焦急了，而没有心思好好欣赏窗外山脉和古城堡的墙。 “你看见其他东西了吗？” “好像有什么活动，”爱丽丝说，“一个节目，街上都是人和红色的旗子。今天是几号？” 我不是很确信：“十九号，也许？” “真讽刺，今天是圣马库斯节。” “什么意思？” 她冷笑道：“这个城市每年都要庆祝这一节日。传说一个基督徒传教士、沃尔图里的马库斯神父一千五百年前把所有的吸血鬼逐出沃特拉城，传说他在罗马尼亚驱逐吸血鬼过程中牺牲了。当然是一派胡言，他从未离开过这座城市，但是一些迷信就是这么来的，像关于十字架和大蒜的迷信。马库斯神父很会利用这些。吸血鬼没有再骚扰沃特拉城，所以它们见效了。”她的笑声变成嘲讽，“节日逐渐变成了城市的庆典，表达对警察的敬仰——不管怎么说，沃特拉是座很安全的城市，警察功不可没。” 我明白她为什么说很讽刺了：“爱德华在这天闹事，他们肯定不会开心的，不是吗？” 她摇摇头，表情很严肃：“他们很快会行动的。” 我向别处看去，努力不让牙齿咬到下嘴唇，流血在这个时侯可不是好事。 太阳在浅蓝色的天空上已经升得很高了。 “他还是计划中午行动吗？”我确认道。 “是的，他决定等到那个时候，他们也等着他行动。” “告诉我应该做些什么。” 她盯着前方弯曲的道路——时速表上的指针已经偏到最右边了。 “你为什么都不用做，他只要在走出来之前看到你就可以了，他看到我之前必须先看到你。” “我们有什么办法实现这一计划呢？” 一辆红色的小车子似乎跟在我们的车子后头。 “我会尽量把你送到最近的地方，然后你沿着我指的方向跑去。” 我点了点头。 “不要摔倒，”她补充道，“我们今天没有时间瞎激动。”
Chapter 20 Volterra
WE BEGAN THE STEEP CLIMB, AND THE ROAD GREW CONGESTED. As we wound higher,the cars became too close together for Alice to weave insanely between them anymore. We slowed to acrawl behind a little tan Peugeot.
　　"Alice," I moaned. The clock on the dash seemed to be speeding up.
　　"It's the only way in," she tried soothe me. But her voice was too strained to comfort.
　　The cars continued to edge forward, one car length at a time. The sun beamed down brilliantly, seemingalready overhead.
　　The cars crept one by one toward the city. As we got closer, I could see cars parked by the side of theroad with people getting out to walk the test of the way. At first I thought it was justimpatience—something I could easily understand. But then we came around a switchback, and I could see the filled parking lot outside the city wall, the crowds of people walking through the gates. No onewas being allowed to drive through.
　　"Alice," I whispered urgently.
　　"I know," she said. Her face was chiseled from ice.
　　Now that I was looking, and we were crawling slowly enough to see, I could tell that it was very windy.
　　The people crowding toward the gate gripped their hats and tugged their hair out of their faces. Theirclothes billowed around them. I also noticed that the color red was everywhere. Red shirts, red hats, redflags dripping like long ribbons beside the gate, whipping in the wind—as I watched, the brilliant crimsonscarf one woman had tied around her hair was caught in a sudden gust. It twisted up into the air aboveher, writhing like it was alive. She reached for it, jumping in the air, but it continued to flutter higher, apatch of bloody color against the dull, ancient walls.
　　"Bella." Alice spoke quickly in a fierce, low voice. "I can't see what the guard here will decide now—ifthis doesn't work, you're going to have to go in alone. You're going to have to run. Just keep asking forthe Palazzo dei Priori, and running in the direction they tell you. Don't get lost.""Palazzo dei Priori, Palazzo dei Priori," I repeated the name over and over again, trying to get it down.
　　"Or 'the clock tower,' if they speak English. I'll go around and try to find a secluded spot somewherebehind the city where I can go over the wall."I nodded. "Palazzo dei Priori.""Edward will be under the clock tower, to the north of the square. There's a narrow alleyway on theright, and he'll be in the shadow there. You have to get his attention before he can move into the sun."I nodded furiously.
　　Alice was near the front of the line. A man in a navy blue uniform was directing the flow of traffic, turningthe cars away from the full lot. They U-turned and headed back to find a place beside the road. Then itwas Alice's turn.
　　The uniformed man motioned lazily, not paying attention. Alice accelerated, edging around him andheading for the gate. He shouted something at us, but held his ground, waving frantically to keep the nextcar from following our bad example.
　　The man at the gate wore a matching uniform. As we approached him, the throngs of tourists passed,crowding the sidewalks, staring curiously at the pushy, flashy Porsche.
　　The guard stepped into the middle of the street. Alice angled the car carefully before she came to a fullstop. The sun beat against my window, and she was in shadow. She swiftly reached behind the seat andgrabbed something from her bag.
　　The guard came around the car with an irritated expression, and tapped on her window angrily.
　　She rolled the window down halfway, and I watched him do a double take when he saw the face behindthe dark glass.
　　"I'm sorry, only tour buses allowed in the city today, miss," he said in English, with a heavy accent. Hewas apologetic, now, as if he wished he had better news for the strikingly beautiful woman.
　　 "It's a private tour," Alice said, flashing an alluring smile. She reached her hand out cf the window, intothe sunlight. I froze, until I realized she was wearing an elbow-length, tan glove. She took his hand, stillraised from tapping her window, and pulled it into the car. She put something into his palm, and foldedhis fingers around it.
　　His face was dazed as he retrieved his hand and stared at the thick roll of money he now held. Theoutside bill was a thousand dollar bill.
　　"Is this a joke?" he mumbled.
　　Alice's smile was blinding. "Only if you think it's funny."He looked at her, his eyes staring wide. I glanced nervously at the clock on the dash. If Edward stuck tohis plan, we had only five minutes left.
　　"I'm in a wee bit of a hurry," she hinted, still smiling.
　　The guard blinked twice, and then shoved the money inside his vest. He took a step away from thewindow and waved us on. None of the passing people seemed to notice the quiet exchange. Alice droveinto the city, and we both sighed in relief.
　　The street was very narrow, cobbled with the same color stones as the faded cinnamon brown buildingsthat darkened the street with their shade. It had the feel of an alleyway. Red flags decorated the walls,spaced only a few yards apart, flapping in the wind that whistled through the narrow lane.
　　It was crowded, and the foot traffic slowed our progress.
　　"Just a little farther," Alice encouraged me; I was gripping the door handle, ready to throw myself into thestreet as soon as she spoke the word.
　　She drove in quick spurts and sudden stops, and the people in the crowd shook their fists at us and saidangry words that I was glad I couldn't understand. She turned onto a little path that couldn't have beenmeant for cars; shocked people had to squeeze into doorways as we scraped by. We found anotherstreet at the end. The buildings were taller here; they leaned together overhead so that no sunlighttouched the pavement—the thrashing red flags on either side nearly met. The crowd was thicker herethan anywhere else. Alice stopped the car. I had the door open before we were at a standstill.
　　She pointed to where the street widened into a patch of bright openness. "There—we're at the southernend of the square. Run straight across, to the right of the clock tower. I'll find a way around—"Her breath caught suddenly, and when she spoke again, her voice was a hiss. "They're everywhere?"I froze in place, but she pushed me out of the car. "Forget about them. You have two minutes. Go, Bella,go!" she shouted, climbing out of the car as she spoke.
　　I didn't pause to watch Alice melt into the shadows. I didn't stop to close my door behind me. I shoved aheavy woman out of my way and ran flat out, head down, paying little attention to anything but theuneven stones beneath my feet.
　　Coming out of the dark lane, I was blinded by the brilliant sunlight beating down into the principal plaza.
　　The wind whooshed into me, flinging my hair into my eyes and blinding me further. It was no wonder thatI didn't see the wall of flesh until I'd smacked into it.
　　There was no pathway, no crevice between the close pressed bodies. I pushed against them furiously, fighting the hands that shoved back. I heard exclamations of irritation and even pain as I battled my waythrough, but none were in a language I understood. The faces were a blur of anger and surprise,surrounded by the ever-present red. A blond woman scowled at me, and the red scarf coiled around herneck looked like a gruesome wound. A child, lifted on a man's shoulders to see over the crowd, grinneddown at me, his lips distended over a set of plastic vampire fangs.
　　The throng jostled around me, spinning me the wrong direction. I was glad the clock was so visible, orI'd never keep my course straight. But both hands on the clock pointed up toward the pitiless sun, and,though I shoved viciously against the crowd, I knew I was too late. I wasn't halfway across. I wasn'tgoing to make it. I was stupid and slow and human, and we were all going to die because of it.
　　I hoped Alice would get out. I hoped that she would see me from some dark shadow and know that Ihad failed, so she could go home to Jasper.
　　I listened, above the angry exclamations, trying to hear the sound of discovery: the gasp, maybe thescream, as Edward came into someone's view.
　　But there was a break in the crowd—I could see a bubble of space ahead. I pushed urgently toward it,not realizing till I bruised my shins against the bricks that there was a wide, square fountain set into thecenter of the plaza.
　　I was nearly crying with relief as I flung my leg over the edge and ran through the knee-deep water. Itsprayed all around me as I thrashed my way across the pool. Even in the sun, the wind was glacial, andthe wet made the cold actually painful. But the fountain was very wide; it let me cross the center of thesquare and then some in mere seconds. I didn't pause when I hit the far edge—I used the low wall as aspringboard, throwing myself into the crowd.
　　They moved more readily for me now, avoiding the icy water that splattered from my dripping clothes asI ran. I glanced up at the clock again.
　　A deep, booming chime echoed through the square. It throbbed in the stones under my feet. Childrencried, covering their ears. And I started screaming as I ran.
　　"Edward!" I screamed, knowing it was useless. The crowd was too loud, and my voice was breathlesswith exertion. But I couldn't stop screaming.
　　The clock tolled again. I ran past a child in his mother's arms—his hair was almost white in the dazzlingsunlight. A circle of tall men, all wearing red blazers, called out warnings as I barreled through them. Theclock tolled again.
　　On the other side of the men in blazers, there was a break in the throng, space between the sightseerswho milled aimlessly around me. My eyes searched the dark narrow passage to the right of the widesquare edifice under the tower. I couldn't see the street level—there were still too many people in theway. The clock tolled again.
　　It was hard to see now. Without the crowd to break the wind, it whipped at my face and burned myeyes. I couldn't be sure if that was the reason behind my tears, or if I was crying in defeat as the clocktolled again.
　　A little family of four stood nearest to the alley's mouth. The two girls wore crimson dresses, withmatching ribbons tying their dark hair back. The father wasn't tall. It seemed like I could see somethingbright in the shadows, just over his shoulder. I hurtled toward them, trying to see past the stinging tears.
　　The clock tolled, and the littlest girl clamped her hands over her ears.
　　 The older girl, just waist high on her mother, hugged her mother's leg and stared into the shadows behindthem. As I watched, she tugged on her mother's elbow and pointed toward the darkness. The clocktolled, and I was so close now.
　　I was close enough to hear her high-pitched voice. Her father stared at me in surprise as I bore down onthem, rasping out Edward's name over and over again.
　　The older girl giggled and said something to her mother, gesturing toward the shadows again impatiently.
　　I swerved around the father—he clutched the baby out of my way—and sprinted for the gloomy breachbehind them as the clock tolled over my head.
　　"Edward, no!" I screamed, but my voice was lost in the roar of the chime.
　　I could see him now. And I could see that he could not see me.
　　It was really him, no hallucination this time. And I realized that my delusions were more flawed than I'drealized; they'd never done him justice.
　　Edward stood, motionless as a statue, just a few feet from the mouth of the alley. His eyes were closed,the rings underneath them deep purple, his arms relaxed at his sides, his palms turned forward. Hisexpression was very peaceful, like he was dreaming pleasant things. The marble skin of his chest wasbare—there was a small pile of white fabric at his feet. The light reflecting from the pavement of thesquare gleamed dimly from his skin.
　　I'd never seen anything more beautiful—even as I ran, gasping and screaming, I could appreciate that.
　　And the last seven months meant nothing. And his words in the forest meant nothing. And it did notmatter if he did not want me. I would never want anything but him, no matter how long I lived.
　　The clock tolled, and he took a large stride toward the light.
　　"No!" I screamed. "Edward, look at me!"He wasn't listening. He smiled very slightly. He raised his foot to take the step that would put him directlyin the path of the sun.
　　I slammed into him so hard that the force would have hurled me to the ground if his arms hadn't caughtme and held me up. It knocked my breath out of me and snapped my head back.
　　His dark eyes opened slowly as the clock tolled again.
　　He looked down at me with quiet surprise.
　　"Amazing," he said, his exquisite voice full of wonder, slightly amused. "Carlisle was right.""Edward," I tried to gasp, but my voice had no sound. "You've got to get back into the shadows. Youhave to move!"He seemed bemused. His hand brushed softly against my cheek. He didn't appear to notice that I wastrying to force him back. I could have been pushing against the alley walls for all the progress I wasmaking. The clock tolled, but he didn't react.
　　It was very strange, for I knew we were both in mortal danger. Still, in that instant, I felt well. Whole. Icould feel my heart racing in my chest, the blood pulsing hot and fast through my veins again. My lungsfilled deep with the sweet scent that came off his skin. It was like there had never been any hole in my chest. I was perfect—not healed, but as if there had been no wound in the first place.
　　"I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing—they're very good," he mused, closing his eyesagain and pressing his lips against my hair. His voice was like honey and velvet. "Death, that hathsucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty," he murmured, and Irecognized the line spoken by Romeo in the tomb. The clock boomed out its final chime "You smell justexactly the same as always," he went on. "So maybe this is hell. I don't care. I'll take it.""I'm not dead," I interrupted. "And neither are you! Please Edward, we have to move. They can't be faraway!"I struggled in his arms, and his brow furrowed in confusion.
　　"What was that?" he asked politely.
　　"We're not dead, not yet! But we have to get out of here before the Volturi—"Comprehension flickered on his face as I spoke. Before I could finish, he suddenly yanked me awayfrom the edge of the shadows, spinning me effortlessly so that my back was tight against the brick wall,and his back was to me as he faced away into the alley. His arms spread wide, protectively, in front ofme.
　　I peeked under his arm to see two dark shapes detach themselves from the gloom.
　　"Greetings, gentlemen," Edward's voice was calm and pleasant, on the surface. "I don't think I'll berequiring your services today. I would appreciate it very much, however, if you would send my thanks toyour masters.""Shall we take this conversation to a more appropriate venue?" a smooth voice whispered menacingly.
　　"I don't believe that will be necessary." Edward's voice was harder now. "I know your instructions, Felix.
　　I haven't broken any rules.""Felix merely meant to point out the proximity of the sun," the other shadow said in a soothing tone. Theywere both concealed within smoky gray cloaks that reached to the ground and undulated in the wind.
　　"Let us seek better cover.""I'll be right behind you," Edward said dryly. "Bella, why don't you go back to the square and enjoy thefestival?""No, bring the girl," the first shadow said, somehow injecting a leer into his whisper.
　　"I don't think so." The pretense of civility disappeared. Edward's voice was flat and icy. His weightshifted infinitesimally, and I could see that he was preparing to fight.
　　"No." I mouthed the word.
　　"Shh," he murmured, only for me.
　　"Felix," the second, more reasonable shadow cautioned. "Not here." He turned to Edward. "Aro wouldsimply like to speak with you again, if you have decided not to force our hand after all.""Certainly," Edward agreed. '"But the girl goes free.""I'm afraid that's not possible," the polite shadow said regretfully. "We do have rules to obey." "Then I'm afraid that I'll be unable to accept Aro's invitation, Demetri.""That's just fine," Felix purred. My eyes were adjusting to the deep shade, and I could see that Felix wasvery big, tall and thick through the shoulders. His size reminded me of Emmett.
　　"Aro will be disappointed," Demetri sighed.
　　"I'm sure he'll survive the letdown," Edward replied.
　　Felix and Demetri stole closer toward the mouth of the alley, spreading out slightly so they could come atEdward from two sides. They meant to force him deeper into the alley, to avoid a scene. No reflectedlight found access to their skin; they were safe inside their cloaks.
　　Edward didn't move an inch. He was dooming himself by protecting me.
　　Abruptly, Edward's head whipped around, toward the darkness of the winding alley, and Demetri andFelix did the same, in response to some sound or movement too subtle for my senses.
　　"Let's behave ourselves, shall we?" a lilting voice suggested. "There are ladies present."Alice tripped lightly to Edward's side, her stance casual. There was no hint of any underlying tension. Shelooked so tiny, so fragile. Her little arms swung like a child's.
　　Yet Demetri and Felix both straightened up, their cloaks swirling slightly as a gust of wind funneledthrough the alley. Felix's face soured. Apparently, they didn't like even numbers.
　　"We're not alone," she reminded them.
　　Demetri glanced over his shoulder. A few yards into the square, the little family, with the girls in their reddresses, was watching us. The mother was speaking urgently to her husband, her eyes on the five of us.
　　She looked away when Demetri met her gaze. The man walked a few steps farther into the plaza, andtapped one of the red-blazered men on the shoulder.
　　Demetri shook his head. "Please, Edward, let's be reasonable," he said.
　　"Let's," Edward agreed. "And we'll leave quietly now, with no one the wiser."Demetri sighed in frustration. "At least let us discuss this more privately."Six men in red now joined the family as they watched us with anxious expressions. I was very consciousof Edward's protective stance in front of me—sure that this was what caused their alarm. I wanted toscream to them to run.
　　Edward's teeth came together audibly. "No."Felix smiled.
　　"Enough."The voice was high, reedy, and n came from behind us.
　　I peeked under Edward's other arm to see a small, dark shape coming toward us. By the way the edgesbillowed, I knew it would be another one of them. Who else?
　　At first I thought it was a young boy. The newcomer was as tiny as Alice, with lank, pale brown hair trimmed short. The body under the cloak—which was darker, almost black—was slim and androgynous.
　　But the face was too pretty for a boy. The wide-eyed, full-lipped face would make a Botticelli angel looklike a gargoyle. Even allowing for the dull crimson irises.
　　Her size was so insignificant that the reaction to her appearance confused me. Felix and Demetri relaxedimmediately, stepping back from their offensive positions to blend again with the shadows of theoverhanging walls.
　　Edward dropped his arms and relaxed his position as well—but in defeat.
　　"Jane," he sighed in recognition and resignation.
　　Alice folded her arms across her chest, her expression impassive.
　　"Follow me," Jane spoke again, her childish voice a monotone. She turned her back on us and driftedsilently into the dark.
　　Felix gestured for us to go first, smirking.
　　Alice walked after the little Jane at once. Edward wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me alongbeside her. The alley angled slightly downward as it narrowed. I looked up at him with frantic questionsin my eyes, but he just shook his head. Though I couldn't hear the others behind us, I was sure they werethere.
　　"Well, Alice," Edward said conversationally as we walked. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to see youhere.""It was my mistake," Alice answered in the same tone. "It was my job to set it right.""What happened?" His voice was polite, as if he were barely interested. I imagined this was due to thelistening ears behind us.
　　"It's a long story." Alice's eyes flickered toward me and away. "In summary, she did jump off a cliff, butshe wasn't trying to kill herself. Bella's all about the extreme sports these days."I flushed and turned my eyes straight ahead, looking after the dark shadow that I could no longer see. Icould imagine what he was hearing in Alice's thoughts now. Near-drownings, stalking vampires,werewolf friends…"Hm," Edward said curtly, and the casual tone of his voice was gone.
　　There was a loose curve to the alley, still slanting downward, so I didn't see the squared-off dead endcoming until we reached the flat, windowless, brick face. The little one called Jane was nowhere to beseen.
　　Alice didn't hesitate, didn't break pace as she strode toward the wall. Then, with easy grace, she sliddown an open hole in the street.
　　It looked like a drain, sunk into the lowest point of the paving. I hadn't noticed it until Alice disappeared,but the grate was halfway pushed aside. The hole was small, and black.
　　I balked.
　　"It's all right, Bella," Edward said in a low voice. "Alice will catch you." I eyed the hole doubtfully. I imagine he would have gone first, if Demetri and Felix hadn't been waiting,smug and silent, behind us.
　　I crouched down, swinging my legs into the narrow gap.
　　"Alice?" I whispered, voice trembling.
　　"I'm right here, Bella," she reassured me. Her voice came from too far below to make me feel better.
　　Edward took my wrists—his hands felt like stones in winter—and lowered me into the blackness.
　　"Ready?" he asked.
　　"Drop her," Alice called.
　　I closed my eyes so I couldn't see the darkness, scrunching them together in terror, clamping my mouthshut so I wouldn't scream. Edward let me fall.
　　It was silent and short. The air whipped past me for just half a second, and then, with a huff as I exhaled,Alice's waiting arms caught me.
　　I was going to have bruises; her arms were very hard. She stood me upright.
　　It was dim, but not black at the bottom. The light from the hole above provided a faint glow, reflectingwetly from the stones under my feet. The light vanished for a second, and then Edward was a faint, whiteradiance beside me. He put his arm around me, holding me close to his side, and began to tow me swiftlyforward. I wrapped both arms around his cold waist, and tripped and stumbled my way across theuneven stone surface. The sound of the heavy grate sliding over the drain hole behind us rang withmetallicfinality.
　　The dim light from the street was quickly lost in the gloom. The sound of my staggering footsteps echoedthrough the black space; it sounded very wide, but I couldn't be sure. There were no sounds other thanmy frantic heartbeat and my feet on the wet stones—except for once, when an impatient sigh whisperedfrom behind me.
　　Edward held me tightly. He reached his free hand across his body to hold my face, too, his smooththumb tracing across my lips. Now and then, I felt his face press into my hair. I realized that this was theonly reunion we would get, and I clutched myself closer to him.
　　For now, it felt like he wanted me, and that was enough to offset the horror of the subterranean tunneland the prowling vampires behind us. It was probably no more than guilt—the same guilt that compelledhim to come here to die when he'd believed that it was his fault that I'd killed myself. But I felt his lipspress silently against my forehead, and I didn't care what the motivation was. At least I could be with himagain before I died. That was better than a long life.
　　I wished I could ask him exactly what was going to happen now. I wanted desperately to know how wewere going to die—as if that would somehow make it better, knowing in advance. But I couldn't speak,even in a whisper, surrounded as we were. The others could hear everything—my every breath, myevery heartbeat.
　　The path beneath our feet continued to slant downward, taking us deeper into the ground, and it mademe claustrophobic. Only Edward's hand, soothing against my face, kept me from screaming out loud.
　　I couldn't tell where the light was coming from, but it slowly turned dark gray instead of black. We were in a low, arched tunnel. Long trails of ebony moisture seeped down the gray stones, like they werebleeding ink.
　　I was shaking, and I thought it was from fear. It wasn't until my teeth started to chatter together that Irealized I was cold. My clothes were still wet, and the temperature underneath the city was wintry. Aswas Edward's skin.
　　He realized this at the same time I did, and let go of me, keeping only my hand.
　　"N-n-no," I chattered, throwing my arms around him. I didn't care if I froze. Who knew how long we hadleft?
　　His cold hand chafed against my arm, trying to warm me with the friction.
　　We hurried through the tunnel, or it felt like hurrying to me. My slow progress irritated someone—Iguessed Felix—and I heard him heave a sigh now and then.
　　At the end of the tunnel was a grate—the iron bars were rusting, but thick as my arm. A small door madeof thinner, interlaced bars was standing open. Edward ducked through and hurried on to a larger, brighterstone room. The grille slammed shut with a clang, followed by the snap of a lock. I was too afraid tolook behind me.
　　On the other side of the long room was a low, heavy wooden door. It was very thick—as I could tellbecause it, too, stood open.
　　We stepped through the door, and I glanced around me in surprise, relaxing automatically. Beside me,Edward tensed, his jaw clenched tight.20  沃特拉城 
 
我们的车开到一个陡坡，这时道路变得拥挤起来。越往上开，车子越多，爱丽丝再也无法肆无忌惮地在车群中随意穿梭了。我们减速，慢悠悠地跟在一辆棕褐色的“标志”后面。 “爱丽丝。”我嘀咕道，车前的时速表上显示车速又快起来了。 “这是唯一一条道。”她试图安慰我，但是她的声音极不自然，无法使我放松下来。 车辆继续前行，一辆又一辆地和我们擦身而过。太阳光强烈地照射着，好像已经是当头直照了。 车子一辆接一辆地向那座城市行驶。开近些了，我看见车辆都停在路边，人们下车步行。一开始我以为是他们等得不耐烦了，这样的感受我很能理解，但是当我们到了一个Z形路轨，我看到城墙外面的停车场上排满了车辆，成群的人们蜂拥进城门，没有人可以把车子开进城去。 “爱丽丝。”我紧张地低声叫她。 “我知道。”她说，她的脸僵硬得像冰凿出来的一般。 我们的车开得很慢，我看得出外面风很大。那些朝大门走去的人用手紧按住帽子，不停地拂去被风吹到脸上的头发，他们的衣服也被风吹得鼓鼓的。我还注意到到处是红色，红衬衫、红帽子、红色的旗子像长丝带般沿着城墙随风飘舞。我正出神地看着，有位妇女系在头上的鲜红头巾被一阵风刮飞了。头巾在她上方飞舞，仿佛是有了生命。那个妇女跳起来，想抢回头巾，可是它越飞越高，这座沉闷的古城上方就这样多了一块鲜红的色彩。“贝拉，”爱丽丝急促地低声说道，“我不清楚这里的门卫会怎么做——如果我们车开不过去，你只好一个人进去了。你必须快跑，边跑边打听普奥利宫殿，然后朝着人家指的方向跑，千万不要迷路了。” “普奥利宫殿，普奥利宫殿。”我一遍遍地在心里默念着，努力记牢了。 “如果对方说英语，你就问‘钟楼’在哪儿。我会绕着城墙，看能不能找到没人的角落翻墙过去。” 我点了点头：“嗯，普奥利宫殿。” “爱德华会在广场的南边的钟楼下等你，右方有一条狭窄的小巷，他就在阴暗的角落等着。你要先让他看到你，他才会走出来。” 我使劲地点点头。 爱丽丝车子快开到队伍前头了。一个身穿深蓝色海军制服的人正在指挥交通，把车辆从拥挤的停车场疏导开来。前面的车辆绕了个弯往回开，在路边找个地方停靠，现在轮到爱丽丝了。 那个穿制服的人心不在焉地懒洋洋地指挥着，爱丽丝乘机加速，从他身边窜过，向大门驶去，他朝我们大叫，但是没有追上来，拼命地挥手阻止后面的车辆学我们的样。 城门口的守卫穿着一套陆军制服。我们朝他行驶的时候，成群的观光者向两边散开，瞪大双眼盯着我们的保时捷闪着车灯，向前直冲。 那个守卫一脚跨到路中间，挡住我们的去路。爱丽丝小心地把车开到一个合适的方位，然后才停下来。阳光从我这边打窗子射进来，爱丽丝那边没有。她敏捷地伸手到车后座，从包里拿出东西。 守卫绕到车子另一边，满脸恼怒地敲着她那边的车窗。 她摇下一半车窗，我看到那个守卫朝着车窗里的脸孔看了两眼。 “非常抱歉，小姐，今天只有观光车才可以开进城去。”他用口音很重的英语说道。 城敢猓 Ｍ 梢杂懈 玫南 ⒏嫠哐矍罢馕患 览龅呐 印?“这是私人观光车哦。”爱丽丝回答道，脸上洋溢着迷人的微笑。她一只手伸出窗外，暴露在阳光下。我惊呆了，后来才意识到她戴着到肘上的棕褐色的手套。她抓住守卫举着的叩车窗的手，把它扯进车内，把一样东西塞到他手中，让他握紧。 他抽回手，一脸迷惘，盯着手上拿着的厚厚的一沓钱，最外面的一张可是千元大钞啊。（欧元哦~~） “您是在开玩笑吧？”他咕哝道。 爱丽丝笑得更加灿烂了：“如果你觉得有趣的话。” 他瞪大双眼看着她，我憋了一眼时速表。如果爱德华按时到达的话，我们只有五分钟了。 “我时间有点儿紧。”她暗示道，仍然微笑着。 那个守卫眨了两下眼睛，把钱塞进里面的衣服。从我们车窗后退一步，示意我们开过去，边上的行人都没有注意到刚才静悄悄发生的一幕。爱丽丝开进城内，我们都松了一口气。 街道非常狭窄，路上铺着的碎石颜色和路边褪色的棕褐色的建筑一样，这些建筑的影子使得道路更加阴暗。 感觉就像在一条幽深的小巷一般，两边的墙上有红旗装饰，旗与旗相隔没多远。这些旗子迎风飘舞，在狭窄的小巷中呼呼作响。 街上很挤，路上的行人使我们的车子不得不很慢地行驶着。 “不远了。”爱丽丝鼓励我说。我抓着车门的把手，只要她一说到我随时准备冲下车子。 她一下子加速一下子突然刹车，边上的行人向我们挥舞拳头，嘴里生气地骂着，真庆幸我听不懂他们说什么。她把车子拐到一条不适合车辆行驶的小道上，我们开过的时候，惊奇的行人不得不侧身贴在两边的房门上。在小道的尽头又有一条街，街上的建筑比之前的高，它们的顶层几乎连在一起，所以夹在中间的街道几乎晒不到阳光，而且在上头飘扬的旗子几乎连在了一起。这里的人群比哪儿都拥挤，爱丽丝停下车子，我还没等车停稳就把门打开了。 她指着街道前方一块宽敞点的地方：“那儿就是——我们已经到了广场的南面。一直跑过去，就到钟楼右方了。我会知道条路能绕过去……” 她突然打住，等她再次开口说话，她的声音很轻：“他们到处都是。” 我愣在那里，但是她把我推出车子：“别管那么多了。你只有两分钟，贝拉，快跑啊！”她喊着，一边也跨出车子。 我没有看爱丽丝怎样退到阴暗处的，也顾不上关车门。 我推开挡在我前面的一个胖女人径直往前冲，我低着头，看清脚下凹凸的石头，其他什么也不管。 走出那条黑巷子，我被主广场上空强烈的阳光射得睁不开双眼。 风迎面吹来，把头发吹到眼中，是我无法看清楚一切，难怪我没注意到一堵堵人墙，直到我狠狠地撞到他们。 这些人简直水泄不通，我拼命地往前挤，不停地拨开别人的手臂。我听到人群愤怒的声音还有疼痛的声音，但我都听不懂。人们脸上的表情又怒又惊讶，夹杂着星星点点的红色。一个金发女人瞪了我一眼，她脖子上的红围巾看起来像一处恶心的伤口。人群中，一个小孩儿被一个男人高高举在肩上，他朝着我咧嘴笑着，他的双唇被那一副塑料吸血鬼的假牙撑得鼓出来。 我身边的人群使劲挤，把我朝各个方向挤。幸好那个钟很显眼，否则我肯定走错方向，但是钟上的时针和分针都齐刷刷地指向酷日，尽管我死命地在人群中往前挤，我知道我已经迟到很久了。我只走了一半的路程，而且肯定是不能按时赶到的。我作为一个人类，又蠢又慢，就因为这样我们人注定要死的。 
我多么希望爱丽丝能够从某个阴暗的角落出来，希望她从某个角落看到我知道我失败了，然后回到贾斯帕那儿。 我仔细听，希望能在嘈杂的声音中听到某人看到惊奇事物的声音：当他们看到爱德华时发出的惊叫声。 突然，人群中有了一个空隙，我看见前面有一小块空地。我急忙往前冲去，直到我的胫骨撞到砖块上时，我才发现是广场中央一个比较大的方形喷泉。 我跨过喷泉的矮墙，踩到过膝的水，此时我松了一口气，几乎就要哭出来了。我淌水过去，水花四处乱溅。虽然太阳晒着，可是风很冷，身上湿了，我冷得发痛，但是喷泉很宽。我从喷泉里穿过广场中心，一下子就到喷泉的另一边，我一刻也没停，踩在稍矮的墙上翻过高墙，又投入人群中去。 人们自觉地给我让道，小心地不让我衣服上滴下的水溅到他们身上，我又看了看钟。 一串悠长而急促的钟鸣在广场上响起。钟声使得脚底下的石头也震动起来，小孩儿捂着耳朵哭了起来，我尖叫着向前跑。 “爱德华！”明知无济于事，我依然大声叫着。人群太吵了，我气喘吁吁地叫着也没用，但是我还是不停地喊叫。 钟声又响起。我跑过一个抱着小孩儿的妇女，那小孩儿的头发在强烈的阳光照射下几乎成了白色的了。当我穿过一堆穿着红夹克的高大的男人，他们嚷着警告我，钟声又一次响起。 在这堆穿着红夹克的男人的另一头有一道空隙，观光者漫无目的地在我身边转悠，留出一块空地。我努力搜寻通向广场右边建筑间的那条幽暗道路，往前我还是看不清地面，路上还是有太多的人，钟声又响了。 现在越发难以看清楚了。前面没有人群挡着，风迎面吹进我的双眼。我不知道我的泪水是北风吹出来的，还是因为听到一遍又一遍的钟声急出来的。 离路口最近的是一家四口。两个女孩儿一身红色，配上马尾辫上黑色的丝带。那位父亲不是很高，从他头顶上，我憋见阴暗处有点儿亮的东西。我向他们的方向疾飞过去，努力睁开含泪的双眼。钟声响起来，最小的那个女孩儿用手捂住自己的耳朵。 大一点的女孩儿也只有到她的妈妈腰间那么高，她抱着妈妈的腿，盯着他们身后的阴暗处。我看着她扯扯妈妈的肘，指着那片黑暗。钟声再一次响起时，我已经很近了。 我离他们很近了，可以听到女孩儿刺耳的声音。看到我闯入他们当中，一遍遍地叫着爱德华，那位父亲惊奇地看着我。 稍大的女孩儿嘻嘻笑着，一边和她妈妈说着话，一边迫不及待地指着阴暗处。 我突然绕到那位父亲的身后——他迅速把小孩儿拉开——我嗖地窜进他们身后的暗处，上方的钟又响了。 “爱德华，不要啊！”我尖叫着，但是我的声音被钟声淹没了。 我看见他了，但是我发现他看不见我。 这次真的是他，不是幻觉。我的想象比我预料的还要失误，现实中的他远比我想象中的好。 爱德华像雕像那样站在那儿一动不动，他离巷口只有几步的距离。他的双眼紧闭，眼袋呈深紫色，两只手臂自然下垂在身体两边，掌心向前。他的表情极其安详，好像正做着好梦。他胸前的衣服敞开着，胸膛的皮肤好像大理石一般光华——他的脚底下还有一小堆白色的东西。光线从广场走道上反射到他的皮肤上，微微发光。 我从来没有见过比这更美的——虽然我一路尖叫跑来，气喘吁吁的，我还能细细欣赏。过去的七个月根本不算什么，他在森林里和我说的那些话也没有任何意义，他不需要我也不要紧。不管我多么老，我只要和他在一起。 钟声响起，他大步地走出阴暗。 “不要！”我叫道，“爱德华，你看着我！” 他没有听我的，他微微笑着，他抬起脚步就要跨进阳光中。 我冲向他，由于用力过猛差点儿把自己甩到地上，幸亏他接住了我。我几乎吓晕了，我猛转过头。 钟声再一次响起的时候，他缓缓睁开双眼。 他低头看着我，暗暗感到惊奇。 “太奇妙了，”他说道，磁性的声音充满了惊奇，还有点儿窃喜，“卡莱尔说得没错。” “爱德华，”我试图说话，但是发不出声音，“你必须退回阴暗处，快啊！” 他好像觉得挺有趣，他的手抚过我的面颊，似乎没有注意到我正试图把他推回阴暗处。可是就跟推一堵墙似的，我的力气全白费了。钟声再响的时候，他依然毫无反应。 真奇怪，我明白我们两个人当时的处境都很危险，但是，在那一瞬间，我感觉很好，我感觉到我的心脏在胸膛内跳动，血液在血管里沸腾、涌动。他皮肤散发出来的香气沁入我的心肺，塞得慢慢的，就像我的胸腔内没有任何出口。我感觉很完美——不是大病初愈的那种感觉——就像从来未曾受过伤那样美好。 
“我不能相信这一切来得这么快。我毫无感觉——它们太棒了。”他自得其乐，闭上眼睛又一次吻着我的头发。他的声音像蜂蜜一样甜，像天鹅绒一样软。“死亡，就算汲走你呼吸的香蜜，却无法夺走你的美丽。”他轻声说着，我记得这句话是罗密欧在坟前说过的。最后一次钟声响起了。“你和以前一样那么好闻，”他接着说，“就算它是地狱，我也不在乎，我要拥有它。” “我没有死，”我打断他，“你也没有！爱德华，快点，我们快走，他们很快就会赶到的！” 我在他的怀里挣扎，他眉头紧锁，很是不解。 “怎么了？”他礼貌地问道。 “我们还没死，没有！但是我们必须离开这里，在沃尔图里之前.....” 我说这话的时候，他脸上闪过理解的表情。我话还没讲完，他突然把我从阴暗处边缘猛拉开，轻而易举地把我甩到靠墙的地方站着，他自己则背对着我，面对着巷口，双臂张开挡在我前面保护我。 我从他的手臂下方看到两个黑影站在阴暗的不远处。 “好啊，先生们，”爱德华的声音听起来似乎沉着而轻快，“我没想到今天会遇见你们，但是如果你们代我向你们的主子道谢的话，我会感到更加荣幸。” “我们可以换个更合适的地方谈话吗？”一个平淡的声音不怀好意地说道。” “我觉得没那个必要。”爱德华的声音变得更加生硬了，“我明白你的规矩，费力克斯，但是我也没有犯规啊。” “费力克斯只是想说太阳快照到这儿了。”另外一个人解释道，他们两个都披着拖地地灰色斗篷，斗篷在风中不停地摆动，“我们找个更阴的地方吧！” “好，我跟你们去，”爱德华冷淡地说道，“贝拉，你为何不回到广场去享受节日的气氛？” “不，把那女孩儿一块带过来。”第一个人不怀好意地说道。 “我不同意。”表面的客套顿时消失了。爱德华声音冷淡极了。他的重心稍微转变，我知道他已经作好战斗的准备了。 “不要。”我说道。 “嘘。”他轻声说，只有我听见。 “费力克斯，”第二个人提醒道，他显得比较讲理，“不是说这话的时候。”他转向爱德华，“阿罗只是想和你谈谈，希望你不要比我们出手。” “当然可以。”爱德华回答，“可是必须先放这女孩儿离开。” “恐怕不行，”比较礼貌的那人抱歉地说道，“我们也是奉命行事。” “那我恐怕也不能接受阿罗的邀请了，德米特里。” “那正好。”费力克斯嘀咕道。我眼睛开始适应黑暗的光线，能看清费力克斯是个虎背熊腰的大汉，他强壮的体形使我想起了艾美特。 “阿罗会很失望的。”德米特里叹了口气。 “他肯定能够经受住这样的失望的。”爱德华回答说。 费力克斯和德米特里悄悄走近巷口，俩人散开以便可以两面夹攻爱德华。他们想把爱德华逼近巷子，以免被其他人看到。没有光能找到他们的皮肤，有斗篷裹着他们非常安全。 爱德华纹丝不动，为了保护我他置自身安危于不顾。 突然，爱德华把头转过来，面对黑暗的深巷。德米特里和费力克斯也做了同样的动作。他们听到一些声响我却一点也感觉不到。 “我们就不能安分点吗？”一个轻快的声音提议，“可有女士在场啊。” 爱丽丝走到爱德华身边，她步履轻快，漫不经心的样子，没有一丝紧张的气氛。她看起来那么小巧，那么脆弱，她的两只手臂像小孩儿那样甩着。 但是德米特里和费力克斯都站直了身子，他们的斗篷轻轻地飘动了几下，好像一阵风刚从巷子里刮过。费力克斯面露难色，显然他们不喜欢双方人数相当。 “我们还有人哦。”她提醒他们。 德米特里回头看看。广场上离我们不远处，那穿红衣服女孩儿的那一家子人正看着我们。那位母亲紧张地和她丈夫说话，眼睛看着我们五个人。那个男人朝广场方向走了几步，拍了拍其中的一个穿红夹克的男人的肩膀。 德米特里摇了摇头。说：“爱德华，让我们冷静一下吧。” “好啊，"爱德华说，“那我们现在走开吧，互不相犯。” 德米特里沮丧地叹了口气：“至少让我们私下再谈谈吧。” 又有六个穿红衣服的男人和那一家子人一起紧张地盯着我们，我很清楚是爱德华挡在我前面保护我的姿势是他们感到紧张的，我想大声叫他们快跑。 爱德华的牙齿开始咯咯响了：“不。” 费力克斯笑了。 “够了。”一个声音又高又尖，从我们身后传来。我从爱德华的另一只手臂下方偷看，一个矮小的黑影朝我们走来。从他飘动的衣服判断，这个人是敌方的，可是是谁呢？ 一开始我以为新来的那个人是个年轻人和爱丽丝一样小巧，留一头稀疏平直的浅褐色短发，斗篷下的身躯——几乎是黑的——很消瘦，分不出是男是女，但是如果是个男的，他那张脸实在长得太漂亮了。大大的眼睛，饱满的双唇，即便是波提切利画中的天使和他比起来也像个丑八怪了，尽管他的双眼是血红的。 他是那么娇小，可是其他人对他的到来的反应着实令我吃惊。费力克斯和德米特顿时放松了下来，调整了防备的姿态退到墙壁的阴影中去。 爱德华也放下手臂，调整姿势——但是像已经战败了似的。 爱丽丝双手交叉于胸前，表情冷漠。 “跟我来。”简说，她稚嫩的声音很平淡。她转身悄然无声的走进黑暗中。 费力克斯示意我们先走，一副得意洋洋的样子。 爱丽丝紧随在简后面。爱德华挽着我的腰，和我一起走在爱丽丝身边。小巷变得越来越窄，微微有个下坡。我抬头满脸疑惑地看着爱德华，可他只是摇摇头。虽然听不到任何声音，但我确定他们跟在后面。 “爱丽丝，”爱德华边走边和爱丽丝谈起话来，“我想我应该预料到你会来这儿。” “是我的错，”爱丽丝以相同的语调回答，“我有责任挽回这一切。” “怎么回事？”他的语气很礼貌，好像他不是很在乎的样子，我想可能是由于后面有人跟着吧。 “说来话长了。”爱丽丝瞥了我一眼又把目光转开，“总之，她确实跳下了悬崖，但并不是想自杀，贝拉最近迷上了各种极限运动了。” 我脸上一阵发烫，眼睛看着前方那个已经看不清的影子。我可以想象他现在从爱丽丝的话语中听出了言外之意。尝试溺水，收留吸血鬼，和狼人交朋友…… “嗯。”爱德华随口应着，声音中那随意的语气已经消失了。 小巷深处有一个小拐弯，依然向下倾斜，所以在走到那堵平坦，无窗的砖墙之前我没有意识到回到了路的尽头，那个简已经无影无踪了。 爱丽丝毫不犹豫地一直朝墙走，脚步也不放慢，然后，她从容地滑进街上的一个洞里去了。 那个洞又小又黑，看起来像个排水沟，一直延伸到石头路的最低点。直到爱丽丝消失了我才注意到，那个洞的盖子已经半开着了。 我犹豫着不敢进去。 “没关系的，贝拉，”爱德华小声说，“爱丽丝会接着你的。” 我满怀疑虑的看着那个洞，我想要不是德米特里和菲利克斯不怀好意的跟在后面，埃德华一定会先下去。 我蹲了下来，双脚在洞边晃着 “爱丽丝？”我的声音有些颤。 “我在这儿，贝拉。”她安慰我道。但是声音听起来好远，这并没让我感觉好一点。 爱德华抓着我的手腕——他的手冷的像冬天的石头——把我放到漆黑的洞口。 “准备好了么？”他问道 “放手吧。”爱丽丝回答道。 我闭上眼睛让自己看不见下面的漆黑与恐怖，同时紧闭着嘴巴防止自己叫出声来。爱德华放开了手，让我掉下去。 掉下去的过程很快，没什么声音。空气所发出的声音如同我叹出的气一般(上帝啊但愿是这个意思），维持不到半秒钟。爱丽丝在下面摆好姿势等着接我。 我身上有些擦伤，她的手臂很有力，接着我的时候站的还直。 洞的底部光线很弱，但并不是没有光亮，洞口的微光从脚下的潮湿石头上反射过来。光线没有了一阵子，但是爱德化在我身边泛着微光。他把我紧紧地搂在身边，轻轻的往前带。我双手抱着他冰冷的腰，蹒跚的走在不平的路面上，后面排水沟盖上盖子的声音像是一种终结。（开始乱翻了） 街上反过来的微光很快消失了，我不稳的脚步声在洞里回荡。洞应该很宽，可我不确定，除了自己的心跳和脚步声之外听不到其他——只有一次来自后面的不耐烦的叹气。 爱德华紧紧地搂着我，他的一只手从身体的一边伸到我的脸上（九头蛇柏...）光滑的拇指抚过我的嘴唇，我能感到他不时地把脸贴到我的头发上，我感觉到这是我们唯一的汇合方式，更加紧紧地靠向他。 此刻我感觉到他需要我，而这足够抵消在地道里被吸血鬼尾随的恐怖。或许这只是内疚——他对于他的错误的离开造成我想自杀就到这儿找死而产生的内疚（这都是什么乱七八糟的...)但是当他问我额头的时候我并不在意他的动机。死前能和他在一起比活的更长更重要。 我想问他后面会发生什么。我想知道一会我们会怎样死去，或许提前知道会感觉好一些。但是我不能说话，即便是小声也也不行。别人什么都会听到包括我的呼吸与心跳。 路一直往下，我们在向更深的地方走去，我越来越害怕。爱德华的手一直抚摸着我的脸才没让我叫出声来。 我不知道从哪儿来的光线，让洞里逐渐亮了一点，我们走在低矮的拱形地道上，........（厄，有不认识的不会翻） 我浑身颤抖让我以为自己很害怕，当牙齿开始作响我才觉得寒冷。我的衣服依然是湿的，地下城的温度冷得像冬天，也像爱德华的皮肤。 当他也发现我很冷时他放开了我，只握着我的手。 “别..."我哆嗦着用手臂挽着他。就算冻僵我也不管，没人知道我们还能活多久。 他用冰冷的手搓着我的手臂，想让我暖和一点。 我们很快走过地道，也许是我的感觉。我的缓慢速度惹恼了一个人，我猜是费力克斯，我能听道她的叹气声。 地道的终点是一扇扶手已经生锈的门，那扶手和我手臂一样粗。有扇扶手细点的小门开着，爱德华很快的通过，进到一个稍大点有光线的石室。后面的铁门当的一声被关上并发出上锁的声音。我很害怕却没敢回头。 房间的另一端有扇看起来很矮也很重的木门，门很厚——我看得出来是因为它开着。 我们走进那扇门，我惊讶的四处张望，这让我放松了些，相反爱德华却要紧了牙关。
Chapter 21 Verdict
WE WERE IN A BRIGHTLY LIT, UNREMARKABLE HALLWAY. The walls were off-white, thefloor carpeted in industrial gray. Common rectangular fluorescent lights were spaced evenly along theceiling. It was warmer here, for which I was grateful. This hall seemed very benign after the gloom of theghoulish stone sewers.
　　Edward didn't seem to agree with my assessment. He glowered darkly down the long hallway, towardthe slight, black shrouded figure at the end, standing by an elevator.
　　He pulled me along, and Alice walked on my other side. The heavy door creaked shut behind us, andthen there was the thud of a bolt sliding home.
　　Jane waited by the elevator, one hand holding the doors open for us. Her expression was apathetic.
　　Once inside the elevator, the three vampires that belonged to the Volturi relaxed further. They threwback their cloaks, letting the hoods fall back on their shoulders. Felix and Demetri were both of a slightlyolive complexion—it looked odd combined with their chalky pallor. Felix's black hair was cropped short,but Demetri's waved to his shoulders. Their irises were deep crimson around the edges, darkening untilthey were black around the pupil. Under the shrouds, their clothes were modern, pale, and nondescript. Icowered in the corner, cringing against Edward. His hand still rubbed against my arm. He never took hiseyes off Jane.
　　 The elevator ride was short; we stepped out into what looked like a posh office reception area. The wallswere paneled in wood, the floors carpeted in thick, deep green. There were no windows, but large,brightly lit paintings of the Tuscan countryside hung everywhere as replacements. Pale leather coucheswere arranged in cozy groupings, and the glossy tables held crystal vases full of vibrantly coloredbouquets. The flowers' smell reminded me of a funeral home.
　　In the middle of the room was a high, polished mahogany counter. I gawked in astonishment at thewoman behind it.
　　She was tall, with dark skin and green eyes. She would have been very pretty in any othercompany—but not here. Because she was every bit as human as I was. I couldn't comprehend what thishuman woman was doing here, totally at ease, surrounded by vampnes.
　　She smiled politely in welcome. "Good afternoon, Jane," she said. There was no surprise in her face asshe glanced at Jane's company. Not Edward, his bare chest glinting dimly in the white lights, or even me,disheveled and comparatively hideous.
　　Jane nodded. "Gianna." She continued toward a set of double doors in the back of the room, and wefollowed.
　　As Felix passed the desk, he winked at Gianna, and she giggled.
　　On the other side of the wooden doors was a different kind of reception. The pale boy in the pearl graysuit could have been Jane's twin. His hair was darker, and his lips were not as full, but he was just aslovely. He came forward to meet us. He smiled, reaching for her. "Jane.""Alec," she responded, embracing the boy. They kissed each other's cheeks on both sides. Then helooked at us.
　　"They send you out for one and you come back with two… and a half," he noted, looking at me. "Nicework."She laughed—the sound sparkled with delight like a baby's cooing.
　　"Welcome back, Edward," Alec greeted him. "You seem in a better mood.""Marginally," Edward agreed in a flat voice. I glanced at Edward's hard face, and wondered how hismood could have been darker before.
　　Alec chuckled, and examined me as I clung to Edward's side. "And this is the cause of all the trouble?"he asked, skeptical.
　　Edward only smiled, his expression contemptuous. Then he froze.
　　"Dibs," Felix called casually from behind.
　　Edward turned, a low snarl building deep in his chest. Felix smiled—his hand was raised, palm up; hecurled his fingers twice, inviting Edward forward.
　　Alice touched Edward's arm. "Patience," she cautioned him.
　　They exchanged a long glance, and I wished I could hear what she was telling him. I figured that it wassomething to do with not attacking Felix, because Edward took a deep breath and turned back to Alec.
　　"Aro will be so pleased to see you again," Alec said, as if nothing had passed.
　　 "Let's not keep him waiting," Jane suggested.
　　Edward nodded once.
　　Alec and Jane, holding hands, led the way down yet another wide, ornate hall—would there ever be anend?
　　They ignored the doors at the end of the hall—doors entirely sheathed in gold—stopping halfway downthe hall and sliding aside a piece of the paneling to expose a plain wooden door. It wasn't locked. Alecheld it open for Jane.
　　I wanted to groan when Edward pulled me through to the other side of the door. It was the same ancientstone as the square, the alley, and the sewers. And it was dark and cold again.
　　The stone antechamber was not large. It opened quickly into a brighter, cavernous room, perfectly roundlike a huge castle turret… which was probably exactly what it was.
　　Two stories up, long window slits threw thin rectangles of bright sunlight onto the stone floor below.
　　There were no artificial lights. The only furniture in the room were several massive wooden chairs, likethrones, that were spaced unevenly, flush with the curving stone walls. In the very center of the circle, in aslight depression, was another drain. I wondered if they used it as an exit, like the hole in the street.
　　The room was not empty. A handful of people were convened in seemingly relaxed conversation. Themurmur of low, smooth voices was a gentle hum in the air. As I watched, a pair of pale women insummer dresses paused in a patch of light, and, like prisms, their skin threw the light in rainbow sparklesagainst the sienna walls.
　　The exquisite faces all turned toward our party as we entered the room. Most of the immortals weredressed in inconspicuous pants and shirts—things that wouldn't stick out at all on the streets below. Butthe man who spoke first wore one of the long robes. It was pitch-black, and brushed against the floor.
　　For a moment, I thought his long, jet-black hair was the hood of his cloak.
　　"Jane, dear one, you've returned!" he cried in evident delight. His voice was just a soft sighing.
　　He drifted forward, and the movement flowed with such surreal grace that I gawked, my mouth hangmgopen. Even Alice, whose every motion looked like dancing, could not compare.
　　I was only more astonished as he floated closer and I could see his face. It was not like the unnaturallyattractive faces that surrounded him (for he did not approach us alone; the entire group convergedaround him, some following, and some walking ahead of him with the alert manner of bodyguards). Icouldn't decide if his face was beautiful or not. I suppose the features were perfect. But he was asdifferent from the vampires beside him as they were from me. His skin was translucently white, likeonionskin, and it looked just as delicate—it stood in shocking contrast to the long black hair that framedhis face. I felt a strange, horrifying urge to touch his cheek, to see if it was softer than Edward's orAlice's, or if it was powdery, like chalk. His eyes were red, the same as the others around him, but thecolor was clouded, milky; I wondered if his vision was affected by the haze.
　　He glided to Jane, took her face in his papery hands, kissed her lightly on her full lips, and then floatedback a step.
　　"Yes, Master." Jane smiled; the expression made her look like an angelic child. "I brought him back alive,just as you wished.""Ah, Jane." He smiled, too. "You are such a comfort to me." He turned his misty eyes toward us, and the smile brightened—became ecstatic.
　　"And Alice and Bella, too!" he rejoiced, clapping his thin hands together. "This is a happy surprise!
　　Wonderful!"I stared in shock as he called our names informally, as if we were old friends dropping in for anunexpected visit.
　　He turned to our hulking escort. "Felix, be a dear and tell my brothers about our company. I'm sure theywouldn't want to miss this.""Yes, Master." Felix nodded and disappeared back the way we had come.
　　"You see, Edward?" The strange vampire turned and smiled at Edward like a fond but scoldinggrandfather. "What did I tell you? Aren't you glad that I didn't give you what you wanted yesterday?""Yes, Aro, I am," he agreed, tightening his arm around my waist.
　　"I love a happy ending." Aro sighed. "They are so rare. But I want the whole story. How did thishappen? Alice?" He turned to gaze at Alice with curious, misty eyes. "Your brother seemed to think youinfallible, but apparently there was some mistake.""Oh, I'm far from infallible." She flashed a dazzling smile. She looked perfectly at ease, except that herhands were balled into tight little fists. "As you can see today, I cause problems as often as I cure them.""You're too modest," Aro chided. "I've seen some of your more amazing exploits, and I must admit I'venever observed anything like your talent. Wonderful!"Alice flickered a glance at Edward. Aro did not miss it.
　　"I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced properly at all, have we? It's just that I feel like I know youalready, and I tend get ahead of myself. Your brother introduced us yesterday, in a peculiar way. Yousee, I share some of your brother's talent, only I am limited in a way that he is not." Aro shook his head;his tone was envious.
　　"And also exponentially more powerful," Edward added dryly. He looked at Alice as he swiftlyexplained. "Aro needs physical contact to hear your thoughts, but he hears much more than I do. Youknow I can only hear what's passing through your head in the moment. Aro hears every thought yourmind has ever had."Alice raised her delicate eyebrows, and Edward inclined his head.
　　Aro didn't miss that either.
　　"But to be able to hear from a distance…" Aro sighed, gesturing toward the two of them, and theexchange that had just taken place. "That would be so convenient."Aro looked over our shoulders. All the other heads turned in the same direction, including Jane, Alec,and Demetri, who stood silently beside us.
　　I was the slowest to turn. Felix was back, and behind him floated two more black-robed men. Bothlooked very much like Aro, one even had the same flowing black hair. The other had a shock ofsnow-white hair—the same shade as his face—that brushed against his shoulders. Their faces hadidentical, paper-thin skin.
　　 The trio from Carlisle's painting was complete, unchanged by the last three hundred years since it waspainted.
　　"Marcus, Caius, look!" Aro crooned. "Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't thatwonderful?"Neither of the other two looked as if wonderful would be their first choice of words. The dark-hairedman seemed utterly bored, like he'd seen too many millennia of Aro's enthusiasm. The other's hice wassour under the snowy hair.
　　Their lack of interest did not curb Aro's enjoyment.
　　"Let us have the story," Aro almost sang in his feathery voice.
　　The white-haired ancient vampire drifted away, gliding toward one of the wooden thrones. The otherpaused beside Aro, and he reached his hand out, at first I thought to take Aro's hand. But he justtouched Aro's palm briefly and then dropped his hand to his side. Aro raised one black brow. Iwondered how his papery skin did not crumple in the effort.
　　Edward snorted very quietly, and Alice looked at him, curious.
　　"Thank you, Marcus," Aro said. "That's quite interesting."I realized, a second late, that Marcus was letting Aro know his thoughts.
　　Marcus didn't look interested. He glided away from Aro to join the one who must be Caius, seatedagainst the wall. Two of the attending vampires followed silently behind him—bodyguards, like I'dthought before. I could see that the two women in the sundresses had gone to stand beside Caius in thesame manner. The idea of any vampire needing a guard was faintly ridiculous to me, but maybe theancient ones were as frail as their skin suggested.
　　Aro was shaking his head. "Amazing,"' he said. "Absolutely amazing."Alice's expression was frustrated. Edward turned to her and explained again in a swift, low voice.
　　"Marcus sees relationships. He's surprised by the intensity of ours."Aro smiled. "So convenient," he repeated to himself. Then he spoke to us. "It takes quite a bit to surpriseMarcus, I can assure you."I looked at Marcus's dead face, and I believed that.
　　"It's just so difficult to understand, even now," Aro mused, staring at Edward's arm wrapped around me.
　　It was hard for me to follow Aro's chaotic train of thought. I struggled to keep up. "How can you standso close to het like that?""It's not without effort," Edward answered calmly.
　　"Butstill—la tua cantante! What a waste!"Edward chuckled once without humor. "I look at it more as a price."Aro was skeptical. "A very high price.""Opportunity cost." Aro laughed. "If I hadn't smelled her through your memories, I wouldn't have believed the call of anyone'sblood could be so strong. I've never felt anything like it myself. Most of us would trade much for such agift, and yet you…""Waste it," Edward finished, his voice sarcastic now.
　　Aro laughed again. "Ah, how I miss my friend Carlisle! You remind me of him—only he was not soangry.""Carlisle outshines me in many other ways as well.""I certainly never thought to see Carlisle bested for self-control of all things, but you put him to shame.""Hardly." Edward sounded impatient. As if he were tired of the preliminaries. It made me more afraid; Icouldn't help but try to imagine what he expected would follow.
　　"I am gratified by his success," Aro mused. "Your memories of him are quite a gift for me, though theyastonish me exceedingly. I am surprised by how it… pleases me, his success in this unorthodox path he'schosen. I expected that he would waste, weaken with time. I'd scoffed at his plan to find others whowould share his peculiar vision. Yet, somehow, I'm happy to be wrong."Edward didn't reply.
　　"But your restraint!" Aro sighed. "I did not know such strength was possible. To inure yourself againstsuch a siren call, not just once but again and again—if I had not felt it myself, I would not have believed."Edward gazed back at Aro's admiration with no expression. I knew his face well enough—time had notchanged that—to guess at something seething beneath the surface. I fought to keep my breathing even.
　　"Just remembering how she appeals to you…" Aro chuckled. "It makes me thirsty."Edward tensed.
　　"Don't be disturbed," Aro reassured him. "I mean her no harm. But I am so curious, about one thing inparticular." He eyed me with bright interest. "May I?" he asked eagerly, lifting one hand.
　　"Ask her," Edward suggested in a flat voice.
　　"Of course, how rude of me!" Aro exclaimed. "Bella," he addressed me directly now. "I'm fascinated thatyou are the one exception to Edward's impressive talent—so very interesting that such a thing shouldoccur! And I was wondering, since our talents are similar in many ways, if you would be so kind as toallow me to try—to see if you are an exception for me, as well?"My eyes flashed up to Edward's face in terror. Despite Aro's overt politeness, I didn't believe I really hada choice. I was horrified at the thought of allowing him to touch me, and yet also perversely intrigued bythe chance to feel his strange skin.
　　Edward nodded in encouragement—whether because he was sure Aro would not hurt me, or becausethere was no choice, I couldn't tell.
　　I turned back to Aro and raised my hand slowly in front of me. It was trembling.
　　He glided closer, and I believe he meant his expression to be reassuring. But his papery features weretoo strange, too alien and frightening, to reassure. The look on his face was more confident than hiswords had been.
　　 Aro reached out, as if to shake my hand, and pressed his insubstantial-looking skin against mine. It washard, but felt brittle—shale rather than granite—and even colder than I expected.
　　His filmy eyes smiled down at mine, and it was impossible to look away. They were mesmerizing in anodd, unpleasant way.
　　Aro's face altered as I watched. The confidence wavered and became first doubt, then incredulity beforehe calmed it into a friendly mask.
　　"So very interesting," he said as he released my hand and drifted back.
　　My eyes flickered to Edward, and, though his face was composed, I thought he seemed a little smug.
　　Aro continued to drift wnh a thoughtful expression. He was quiet for a moment, his eyes flickeringbetween the three of us. Then, abruptly, he shook his head.
　　"A first," he said to himself "I wonder if she is immune to our other talents… Jane, dear?""No!" Edward snarled the word. Alice grabbed his arm with a restraining hand. He shook her off.
　　Little Jane smiled up happily at Aro. "Yes, Master?"Edward was truly snarling now, the sound ripping and tearing from him, glaring at Aro with baleful eyes.
　　The room had gone still, everyone watching him with amazed disbelief, as if he were committing someembarrassing social faux pas. I saw Felix grin hopefully and move a step forward. Aro glanced at himonce, and he froze in place, his grin turning to a sulky expression.
　　Then he spoke to Jane. "I was wondering, my dear one, if Bella is immune to you."I could barely hear Aro over Edward's furious growls. He let go of me, moving to hide me from theirview. Caius ghosted in our direction, with his entourage, to watch.
　　Jane turned toward us with a beatific smile.
　　"Don't!" Alice cried as Edward launched himself at the little girl.
　　Before I could react, before anyone could jump between them, before Aro's bodyguards could tense,Edward was on the ground.
　　No one had touched him, but he was on the stone floor writhing in obvious agony, while I stared inhorror.
　　Jane was smiling only at him now, and it all clicked together. What Alice had said about formidable gifts, why everyone treated Jane with such deference, and why Edward had thrown himself in her path beforeshe could do that to me.
　　"Stop!" I shrieked, my voice echoing in the silence, jumping forward to put myself between them. ButAlice threw her arms around me in an unbreakable grasp and ignored my struggles. No sound escapedEdward's lips as he cringed against the stones. It felt like my head would explode from the pain ofwatching this.
　　"Jane," Aro recalled her in a tranquil voice. She looked up quickly, still smiling with pleasure, her eyesquestioning. As soon as Jane looked away, Edward was still.
　　Aro inclined his head toward me.
　　 Jane turned her smile in my direction.
　　I didn't even meet her gaze. I watched Edward from the prison of Alice's arms, still struggling pointlessly.
　　"He's fine," Alice whispered in a tight voice. As she spoke, he sat up, and then sprang lightly to his feet.
　　His eyes met mine, and they were horror-struck. At first I thought the horror was for what he had justsuffered. But then he looked quickly at Jane, and back to me—and his face relaxed into relief.
　　I looked at Jane, too, and she no longer smiled. She glared at me, her jaw clenched with the intensity ofher focus. I shrank back, waiting for the pain.
　　Nothing happened.
　　Edward was by my side again. He touched Alice's arm, and she surrendered me to him.
　　Aro started to laugh. "Ha, ha. ha," he chuckled. "This is wonderful!"Jane hissed in frustration, leaning forward like she was preparing to spring.
　　"Don't be put out, dear one," Aro said in a comforting tone, placing a powder-light hand on her shoulder.
　　"She confounds us all."Jane's upper lip curled back ever her teeth as she continued to glare at me.
　　"Ha, ha, ha," Aro chortled again. "You're very brave, Edward, to endure in silence. I asked Jane to dothat to me once—just out of curiosity." He shook his head in admiration.
　　Edward glared, disgusted.
　　"So what do we do with you now?" Aro sighed.
　　Edward and Alice stiffened. This was the part they'd been waiting for. I began to tremble.
　　"I don't suppose there's any chance that you've changed your mind?" Aro asked Edward hopefully.
　　"Your talent would be an excellent addition to our little company."Edward hesitated. From the corner of my eye, I saw both Felix and Jane grimace.
　　Edward seemed to weigh each word before he spoke it. "I'd… rather… not.""Alice?" Aro asked, still hopeful. "Would you perhaps be interested in joining with us?""No, thank you," Alice said.
　　"And you, Bella?" Aro raised his eyebrows.
　　Edward hissed, low in my ears. I stared at Aro blankly. Was he joking? Or was he really asking me if Iwanted to stay for dinner?
　　It was the white-haired Caius who broke the silence.
　　"What?" he demanded of Aro; his voice, though no more than a whisper, was flat.
　　"Caius, surely you see the potential," Aro chided him affectionately. "I haven't seen a prospective talentso promising since we found Jane and Alec. Can you imagine the possibilities when she is one of us?" Caius looked away with a caustic expression. Jane's eyes sparked with indignation at the comparison.
　　Edward fumed beside me. I could hear a rumble in his chest, building toward a growl. I couldn't let histemper get him hurt.
　　"No, thank you," I spoke up in barely more than a whisper, my voice breaking in fright.
　　Aro sighed. "That's unfortunate. Such a waste."Edward hissed. "Join or die, is that it? I suspected as much when we were brought to this room. Somuch for your laws."The tone of his voice surprised me. He sounded irate, but there was something deliberate about hisdelivery—as if he'd chosen his words with great care.
　　"Of course not." Aro blinked, astonished. "We were already convened here, Edward, awaiting Heidi'sreturn. Not for you.""Aro," Caius hissed. "The law claims them."Edward glared at Caius. "How so?" he demanded. He must have known what Caius was thinking, but heseemed determined to make him speak it aloud.
　　Caius pointed a skeletal finger at me. "She knows too much. You have exposed our secrets." His voicewas papery thin, just like his skin.
　　"There are a few humans in on your charade here, as well," Edward reminded him, and I thought of thepretty receptionist below.
　　Caius's face twisted into a new expression. Was it supposed to be a smiled.
　　"Yes," he agreed. "But when they are no longer useful to us, they will serve to sustain us. That is not yourplan for this one. If she betrays our secrets, are you prepared to destroy her? I think not," he scoffed.
　　"I wouldn't—," I began, still whispering. Caius silenced me with an icy look.
　　"Nor do you intend to make her one of us," Caius continued. "Therefore, she is a vulnerability. Though itis true, for this, only her life is forfeit. You may leave if you wish."Edward bared his teeth.
　　"That's what I thought," Caius said, with something akin to pleasure. Felix leaned forward, eager.
　　"Unless…" Aro interrupted. He looked unhappy with the way the conversation had gone. "Unless you dointend to give her immortality?"Edward pursed his lips, hesitating for a moment before he answered. "And if I do?"Aro smiled, happy again. "Why, then you would be free to go home and give my regards to my friendCarlisle." His expression turned more hesitant. "But I'm afraid you would have to mean it."Aro raised his hand in front of him.
　　Caius, who had begun to scowl furiously, relaxed.
　　Edward's lips tightened into a fierce line. He stared into my eyes, and I stared back.
　　 "Mean it," I whispered. "Please."Was it really such a loathsome idea? Would he rather die than change me? I felt like I'd been kicked inthe stomach.
　　Edward stared down at me with a tortured expression.
　　And then Alice stepped away from us, forward toward Aro. We turned to watch her. Her hand wasraised like his.
　　She didn't say anything, and Aro waved off his anxious guard as they moved to block her approach. Aromet her halfway, and took her hand with an eager, acquisitive glint in his eyes.
　　He bent his head over their touching hands, his eyes closing as he concentrated. Alice was motionless,her face blank. I heard Edward's teeth snap together.
　　No one moved. Aro seemed frozen over Alice's hand. The seconds passed and I grew more and morestressed, wondering how much time would pass before it was too much time. Before it meant somethingwas wrong—more wrong than it already was.
　　Another agonizing moment passed, and then Aro's voice broke the silence.
　　"Ha, ha, ha," he laughed, his head still bent forward. He looked up slowly, his eyes bright withexcitement. "That was fascinating!"Alice smiled dryly. "I'm glad you enjoyed it.""To see the things you've seen—especially the ones that haven't happened yet!" He shook his head inwonder.
　　"But that will," she reminded him, voice calm.
　　"Yes, yes, it's quite determined. Certainly there's no problem."Caius looked bitterly disappointed—a feeling he seemed to share with Felix and Jane.
　　"Aro," Caius complained.
　　"Dear Caius," Aro smiled. "Do not fret. Think of the possibilities! They do not join us today, but we canalways hope for the future. Imagine the joy young Alice alone would bring to our little household…Besides, I'm so terribly curious to see how Bella turns out!"Aro seemed convinced. Did he not realize how subjective Alice's visions were.' That she could make upher mind to transform me today, and then change it tomorrow? A million tiny decisions, her decisions andso many others', too—Edward's—could alter her path, and with that, the future.
　　And would it really matter that Alice was willing, would it make any difference if I did become a vampire,when the idea was so repulsive to Edward? If death was, to him, a better alternative than having mearound forever, an immortal annoyance? Terrified as I was, I felt myself sinking down into depression,drowning in it…"Then we are free to go now?" Edward asked in an even voice.
　　"Yes, yes," Aro said pleasantly. "But please visit again. It's been absolutely enthralling!" "And we will visit you as well," Caius promised, his eyes suddenly half-closed like the heavy-lidded gazeof a lizard. "To be sure that you follow through on your side. Were I you, I would not delay too long. Wedo not offer second chances."Edward's jaw clenched tight, but he nodded once.
　　Caius smirked and drifted back to where Marcus still sat, unmoving and uninterested.
　　Felix groaned.
　　"Ah, Felix." Aro smiled, amused. "Heidi will be here at any moment. Patience.""Hmm." Edward's voice had a new edge to it. "In that case, perhaps we'd better leave sooner rather thanlater.""Yes," Aro agreed. "That's a good idea. Accidents do happen. Please wait below until after dark, though,if you don't mind.""Of course," Edward agreed, while I cringed at the thought of waiting out the day before we couldescape.
　　"And here," Aro added, motioning to Felix with one finger. Felix came forward at once, and Arounfastened the gray cloak the huge vampire wore, pulling from his shoulders. He tossed it to Edward.
　　"Take this. You're a little conspicuous."Edward put the long cloak on, leaving the hood down.
　　Aro sighed. "It suits you."Edward chuckled, but broke off suddenly, glancing over his shoulder. "Thank you, Aro. We'll waitbelow.""Goodbye, young friends," Aro said, his eyes bright as he stared in the same direction.
　　"Let's go," Edward said, urgent now.
　　Demetri gestured that we should follow, and then set off the way we'd come in, the only exit by the lookof things.
　　Edward pulled me swiftly along beside him. Alice was close by my other side, her face hard.
　　"Not fast enough," she muttered.
　　I stared up at her, frightened, but she only seemed chagrined. It was then that I first heard the babble ofvoices—loud, rough voices—coming from the antechamber.
　　"Well this is unusual," a man's coarse voice boomed.
　　"So medieval," an unpleasantly shrill, female voice gushed back.
　　A large crowd was coming through the little door, filling the smaller stone chamber. Demetri motioned forus to make room. We pressed back against the cold wall to let them pass.
　　The couple in front, Americans from the sound of them, glanced around themselves with appraising eyes.
　　"Welcome, guests! Welcome to Volterra!" I could hear Aro sing from the big turret room.
　　 The rest of them, maybe forty or more, filed in after the couple. Some studied the setting like tourists. Afew even snapped pictures. Others looked confused, as if the story that had led them to this room wasnot making sense anymore. I noticed one small, dark woman in particular. Around her neck was arosary, and she gripped the cross tightly in one hand. She walked more slowly than the others, touchingsomeone now and then and asking a question in an unfamiliar language. No one seemed to understandher, and her voice grew more panicked.
　　Edward pulled my face against his chest, but it was too late. I already understood.
　　As soon as the smallest break appeared, Edward pushed me quickly toward the door. I could feel thehorrified expression on my face, and the tears beginning to pool in my eyes.
　　The ornate golden hallway was quiet, empty except for one gorgeous, statuesque woman. She stared atus curiously, me in particular.
　　"Welcome home, Heidi," Demetri greeted her from behind us.
　　Heidi smiled absently. She reminded me of Rosalie, though they looked nothing alike—it was just that herbeauty, too, was exceptional, unforgettable. I couldn't seem to look away.
　　She was dressed to emphasize that beauty. Her amazingly long legs, darkened with tights, were exposedby the shortest of miniskirts. Her top was long-sleeved and high-necked, but extremely close-fitting, andconstructed of red vinyl. Her long mahogany hair was lustrous, and her eyes were the strangest shade ofviolet—a color that might result from blue-tinted contacts over red irises.
　　"Demetri," she responded in a silky voice, her eyes flickering between my face and Edward's gray cloak.
　　"Nice fishing," Demetri complimented her, and I suddenly understood the attention-grabbing outfit shewore… she was not only the fisherman, but also the bait.
　　"Thanks." She flashed a stunning smile. "Aren't you coming?""In a minute. Save a few for me."Heidi nodded and ducked through the door with one last curious look at me.
　　Edward set a pace that had me running to keep up. But we still couldn't get through the ornate door atthe end of the hallway before the screaming started.21  宣判 
我们来到一条明亮的、普通的走廊。两边的墙壁是白色的，地板是灰色的。天花板上均匀地挂着很平常的矩形煤油灯。这个地方暖和些，我感到很开心，在走过阴森的下水道后感觉这个大厅尤其温馨。爱德华的感受似乎和我很不一样。他眉头紧锁，看着长长的走廊，走廊尽头的电梯口似乎站着一身黑色的人。 简等在电梯旁，一只手扶着门，她面无表情。 进了电梯后，那三个沃尔图里的吸血鬼更加没有顾忌了。他们拿掉斗篷，把帽子留在肩上。费力克斯和德米特里的肤色都有点儿橄榄绿——和整体粉笔般的苍白很不协调。费力克斯的黑头发减得很短，但是德米特里的头发却长及肩膀。他们的眼膜周边鲜红，越往中央越黑，到了眼珠子那里已经是漆黑的了。他们的斗篷里面的衣服是现代的、苍白的，说不上有什么特色。我蜷缩在角落，紧紧靠着爱德华，他的手依然在我手臂上搓着，他的双眼死死地盯着简。我们乘电梯时间很短，走出电梯，来到一个像是邮局前台的地方。墙壁是木头做成的，地板是很深很深的蓝色。没有窗户，取而代之的是大幅的色彩鲜艳的托斯卡纳风格的乡村风景画。白色的皮沙发整齐地摆放着，光滑的桌面上摆着水晶花瓶，插满了艳丽的花束，这些花的香气使我联想到殡仪馆。 房间的中间是一个高高的、光泽的桃花心木柜台，我惊奇地看着柜台上的女人。 她很高挑，皮肤黝黑，眼睛是绿色的。换个地方她可以说是美人——但在这里她算不上，因为她和我一样是人类。我不明白为什么这个女人会在这里，那么从容地整天和吸血鬼在一起。她微笑表示欢迎，
“下午好，简。”她说。看到和简一起的这班人她一点也不惊奇。就算看到爱德华袒露的胸膛在白色的光线下微微发光，还有我蓬头垢面，狼狈不堪的样子，她也毫不奇怪。 简点了点头，打个招呼。“吉安娜。”她径直朝房间的两层门走去，我们跟在后面。 木门的后面的接待处和前面的那个完全不一样，有个穿着白珍珠颜色西装的男孩儿看起来像简的双胞胎兄弟。他的头发比简黑，嘴唇没有简饱满，但是同样那么讨人喜爱。他迎上来，微笑地和简打招呼：“简。” “亚力克。”简回应他，拥抱那个男孩儿，互相亲吻对方的脸颊，然后他看着我们。 “他们派你出去带他一个回来，你带回来了两个....半，”看着我，他纠正了一下，“干得不错！” 她笑了——笑声像小孩子的声音一样，让人觉得很开心。 “欢迎回来，爱德华，”亚力克对他说，“你看起来情绪不错。” “还好。”爱德华冷淡地应了声。我看了看爱德华僵硬的脸，丝毫不记得什么时候他的情绪比此时更低落过。 亚力克冷笑了几声，打量了爱德华身旁的我。“这就是问题的根源吧？”他怀疑地问道。 爱德华微笑了一下，一脸的不屑，然后他愣住了。 “迪布斯。”费力克斯在身后随意地喊了一声。 爱德华转过身去，胸中充满了怒火。费力克斯微笑着——他举起手，掌心朝上，手指弯了两下，叫爱德华过去一下。 爱丽丝碰了碰爱德华的手臂。
“忍耐。”她提醒他。 他们交换了一个眼神，我真希望自己能听见她对他说了什么。我猜大概是让爱德华不要出手打费力克斯，因为爱德华深吸一口气，然后转向亚力克。 “阿罗看到你会很高兴的。”亚力克说道，好像什么事情都没有发生过一样。 “不要让他久等了。”简提醒道。 爱德华点了点头。 亚力克和简牵着手带领我们穿过另一个宽敞、华丽的大厅——这样何时是个尽头？ 他们走过大厅尽头的几扇门——这几扇门完全镀了一层金——在大厅中间停下，拉开一块嵌板，露出一扇普通的木门。这门没上锁，亚力克推开门让简过去。 爱德华把我推过门的时候，我都快呻吟了。和广场、小巷、下水道一样，又是一些古老的石头，又变得又冷又暗了。 石头砌成的接待室不大。很快我们就来到一个亮堂些，洞穴般的房间，圆圆的像极了一座城堡的大灯塔.....可能它就是座灯塔。 再往上两层楼，两道阳光从长长的窗户射到石板地面上，没有其他的光源。房间里仅有的家具就是几张很大的木椅，像君主的宝座，毫无秩序地摆在那里，和弯弯绕绕的石墙相互反光。在圆圈的中间，光线很暗，又是一个排水道。我猜想他们是不是把它当成一个出口。就像街上的洞那样。 这房间不是空着的，有几个人好像正在轻松地开会讨论什么，他们低沉、平淡的声音在空气中嗡嗡作响。我正看着，两个穿着夏装的女人停在一束光中，她们的皮肤像棱镜一样，把阳光反射到黄色的墙上，像彩虹般色彩斑斓。 我们一走进房间，那些尊贵的脸孔都转过来。大部分的吸血鬼都穿着普通的裤子和衬衫，在街上不会被认出来，但是第一个说话的人穿着长袍，长袍很黑，拖地的长度。一开始，我还以为他那很长的黑发是他斗篷的头巾。 “亲爱的简，你回来啦！”他很高兴地叫道，他的声音就像柔和的叹息声。 他轻快地走过来，那动作是如此的优雅，显得不真实，我看傻了眼，嘴巴张得大大的，即使是举手投足都像是在跳舞的爱丽丝也望尘莫及。 当他飘得更近了，看到了他的脸，我更是惊呆了。他那迷人的脸不像其他人那样美得不自然（因为不仅仅他走进我们，所有人围绕着他，有些跟在后面，有些像保镖似的警觉地走在前方）。我说不清楚他的脸是不是很美丽，我认为五官长得很完美，但是和我一样，他长得和他身边的吸血鬼不一样。他的皮肤白得透明，像洋葱的皮，看起来也非常精致——这张脸镶嵌在他那头乌黑的头发衬托出的轮廓中显得异常突出。我突然有种奇怪、可怕的冲动，我想摸摸他的脸，看看是不是比爱德华或爱丽丝的脸柔软，还是像粉笔那样粗糙。他的眼睛和其他人一样是红色的，但是红色上面有朦朦胧胧的薄膜，我怀疑他的视力会不会受这个影响。 他滑到简那儿，白纸般的双手捧起她的脸，轻轻地亲吻她那饱满的双唇，然后他后退了几步。 “是，主人。”简微笑道，这个表情让她看起来像个小天使，“如你所愿，我把他活着带回来了。” “啊，简，”他微笑着，“你真是我最大的安慰。”他那朦胧的双眼转向我们，笑得更灿烂了——几乎欣喜若狂了。 “还有爱丽丝和贝拉！”他开心极了，那双纤瘦的手不停地拍着，“真是很大的惊喜！太好了！” 我奇怪地盯着他，听他亲切地叫我的名字，好像我们是多年不见得老朋友意外地遇见一般。 他转向我们的护卫：“亲爱的费力克斯，麻烦通知我的兄弟们我们的客人到了，我肯定他们不会错过这样的场景。” “是，主人。”费力克斯点点头，沿着我们来时的路原路返回。 “现在明白了吗，爱德华？”那个奇异的吸血鬼转向爱德华，对着他微笑，就像是一位慈爱同时又严厉的祖父，“我以前怎么跟你说的？以前我没有给你想要的东西，你现在还耿耿于怀吗？” “不，阿罗，我很开心。”他表示赞同，把我的腰搂得更紧了。 “我太爱圆满的结局了。”阿罗长叹一声，“这样的结局很少见的，但是我还想知道事情的前因后果。这一切是怎么发生的？爱丽丝？”他转向爱丽丝，用他那双充满好奇的迷离的眼睛看着她，“你的兄弟认为你很可靠，但是显然他还是看错了你。” “我一点都不可靠。”她微微一笑，看起来很从容，但是她的小手握起了小拳头，“正像你今天看到的一样，我经常出娄子，不过往往能挽救过来的。” “你太谦虚了，”阿罗责备道，“我看到过你的一些成就，我得承认你的能力是我见过最棒的，简直是太棒了！” 爱丽丝向爱德华使了个眼色，但是被阿罗看到了。 “很抱歉，我们还没有正式地相互认识吧？只是我觉得自己已经和你认识了，我这人意识有点超前。你的兄弟昨天和我说过你，他从很意外的方式介绍了你。你看，我和你兄弟的能力相当，只是我比他多一些限制。”阿罗无奈地摇了摇头，语气中透露出嫉妒之情。 “他的能力比我强上千百倍。”爱德华冷冷地插话，他看着爱丽丝简短地解释了一番，“阿罗他接触到你就能了解你在想些什么，比我更敏锐，你知道我只能了解你当时的想法，但是他能知道你所有的念头。” 爱丽丝扬了一下漂亮的眉毛，爱德华随即低下把头凑近些。 阿罗又看见了。 “至于远处听音.....”阿罗叹了一声，指指他们两个刚刚做的动作，“那就太容易了。” 阿罗朝我们身后看去，其他人，包括站在我们边上的简、亚力克和德米特里都不约而同地往后看。 我最后一个转过头去，费力克斯回来了，还带了两个穿黑袍的人。两个人都很像阿罗，其中一个也有随风飘动的黑发。另外一个有着一头雪白的头发——和他的脸一个颜色——头发往肩后梳着。他们的脸一模一样，仿佛吹弹击破。 “马库斯，凯厄斯，你们快过来看看！”阿罗轻声叫着，“贝拉还活着，爱丽丝和她一起来了！多好啊？” 他们两个看起来都不认为有“多好”。那个黑头发的看起来无聊极了，好像见够了阿罗一贯的大惊小怪。另外一个白头发的也是一副苦脸。 他们的毫无兴趣并不影响阿罗的兴致。 那个白头发的老吸血鬼径直走向一张椅子。另外一个走到阿罗身边，伸出手来，我以为是要和阿罗握手，但是他只是轻轻碰了下阿罗的手掌，就垂下手去，阿罗皱了下眉头。我都担心，他那纸般的皮肤会皱了。 爱德华轻轻地哼了一下，爱丽丝奇怪地看着他。 “谢谢，马库斯，”阿罗说道，“这样挺有趣。” 我过了一会儿才意识到，马库斯刚才是告诉阿罗他的想法。 马库斯看上去不怎么感兴趣。他走到那个凯厄斯那边，和他一起坐在墙角。两个随从吸血鬼跟着他，大概也是保镖。我看到那两个穿背心裙的女人也站到凯厄斯的身后，吸血鬼还需要保镖？真滑稽，不过可能老的吸血鬼需要，像他们衰老的皮肤那样。 阿罗摇着头。“太奇妙了，”他说，“简直奇妙极了。” 爱丽丝一头雾水。爱德华转向她，低声解释道：“马库斯可以看透人与人之间的关系，他对我们之间深厚的感情很惊讶。” 阿罗笑着。“我一听就听到了，”他自言自语，然后对我们说，“我说啊，让马库斯感到惊讶可不是很容易的。” “即使到现在，我还是很难理解。”阿罗笑道，看着爱德华紧紧拥着我，阿罗的话语毫无逻辑，我努力地跟上他的思路，“你怎么能够和她站得这么近？” “一点不难。”爱德华平静地回答。 “但是——我们的歌唱家！多浪费！” 爱德华不带感情地冷笑一声：“我认为这是必然的代价。” 阿罗反驳道：“代价也高了点吧。” “机会成本嘛！” 阿罗笑了笑：“如果不是我从你的记忆力闻到她的味道，我还真不能相信会有人血的味道这么强烈，从来没有这样的感受。我们大部分人都会不惜代价想得到这样的礼物，可是你.....” “却浪费了。”爱德华接过他的话，声音里满是嘲讽。 阿罗又笑了笑：“啊，我多么想念我的朋友卡莱尔！你让我想起了他——只不过他没你这么怒气冲冲的。” “卡莱尔还有很多方面比我强。” “我从未见过卡莱尔为了任何东西克制自己，你让他蒙羞了。” “不见得。”爱德华不耐烦了，好像他已经受够了这开场的客套。这使我更加害怕起来，我不禁猜想接下来会发生什么。 “对他的成功我感到很满意，”阿罗笑道，“ 虽然出乎意料，但是你对他的记忆对我来说很珍贵。没想到它能使我.....这么开心。我指的是他选择了一条叛逆的道路，而且成功了。我曾经还拿他的计划开玩笑，以此警告其他有同样想法的人。不管怎样，我很高兴是我错了。”爱德华没有回答他。 “但是你的忍耐力！”阿罗叹声道，“我一直以为你没有这样的忍耐力。能够经受住这么强大的诱惑，而且不是一次，而是经常性的——要不是我从你脑袋感受到，我是不会相信的。” 面对阿罗的赞扬，爱德华无动于衷。我对他的表情很熟悉——时间没有使他改变——所以能猜到他冷静的表面掩盖下的激动的内心。我努力保持呼吸平稳。 “仅仅想到她对你的吸引力.....”阿罗笑道，“就让我感到饥渴。” 爱德华紧张起来。 “不要担心，”阿罗安慰他，“我不会伤害她的，但是我对一件事很好奇。”他饶有兴趣地看着我，“我可以请教下吗？”他急切地问，举起一只手。 “问她吧。”爱德华平静地说。 “好吧，恕我冒昧！”阿罗大声说道，“贝拉，”他叫我的名字，“我很惊奇，爱德华惊人的才能在你身上失效了。这可不常见！我想，既然我和他的能力相当，你能不能让我尝试一下——看看我的能力在你身上是否也会失效？” 我恐慌德看着爱德华，尽管阿罗的措辞优雅，我不认为我有其他选择。一想到要他触碰到我，我恐惧的同时，对于能够感触他奇怪的肌肤报有强烈的好奇心。 爱德华对我点头，略带鼓励。也许是因为他确定阿罗不会伤害我，或者我们确实没有其他选择。我无从判断。 我转向阿罗，慢慢把颤抖的手伸向前面。 他滑动到离我更近的地方，他努力使他的表情看起来很可靠。但是他如纸一般的皮肤太奇怪，太陌生，太吓人了。他脸上的表情比他之前说的话更有信心.阿罗伸出手，好像要与我握手。他虚幻的皮肤按压在我的上面。我感觉到他的皮肤，比起花岗岩更像粘性页岩，比我预计的更冰冷。他朦胧的眼睛对我微笑，使人很难不看着他的眼睛。它们如此使人着迷，令我感到古怪，并不舒服。 阿罗的脸变色了，从前的自信消失了，开始怀疑的神情，接着恢复了镇定，换回友善的表情。“非常有趣”他说着，松开我的手，退回去。 我看了爱德华一眼，尽管他的表情沉着，在我看来那表情甚至有点沾沾自喜。阿罗继续沉思着，他的眼睛在我们三个之间来回看着，突然，他摇了摇头。 “首先”他自言自语“我要知道她是不是对我们其他天赋也免疫。。。简？” “不要！”爱德华喊。爱丽丝拽着他的胳膊。他把她摇开。 简微笑地看着阿罗“在，主人？” 爱德华咆哮着，声音嘶哑，眼神凶恶地盯着阿罗。 房间空气瞬间静止了似的，每个人都不置信地盯着他，好像他正在犯言语行为上的失礼的罪过。我看到FELIX露齿笑着，向前移了一步。阿罗朝他看了一眼，他在那里站住，表情变得有些愠怒。阿罗对简说，“我很好奇，亲爱的，是否贝拉对你免疫” 在爱德华的狂暴的咆哮声中我勉强听到阿罗的话。爱德华松开我，紧紧把我护在身后。凯厄斯带着他的随从鬼魅般朝我们的方向过来，监视着。简转向我们，天使般地笑着。 “不要！”爱丽丝哭喊着，在我反应过来之前，在任何人可以跑到他们之间之前，在阿罗的侍卫处于紧张状态之前，爱德华冲向这个女孩。 爱德华跌倒在地上。 没有人触碰到他，但是他此刻躺在石头地板上，因极度痛苦身体扭曲着，我惊恐地看到简只是微笑的面对着他。爱丽丝说出了简的天赋，为什么每个人对简如此顺从，为什么爱德华在她能这样对待我之前冲向她。 “停下！”我尖叫着，声音在一片安静中回响，我跳起来冲到他们之间。但是爱丽丝紧紧地抱着我无视我的抵抗。爱德华撞到石头上嘴里没有发出任何声音。看到这些我的头快要爆炸了。 “简，”阿罗平静地叫住她。她很快收手，仍然微笑着。她的 眼睛略带疑问。爱德华平静了下来。阿罗转向我。 简对我微笑。 我没有看到她的注视。我在爱丽丝的紧紧怀抱中挣扎着，看着爱德华。 “他没事”爱丽丝紧张地对我低语。她正说着，他坐着，慢慢站起来。他看到我，眼睛中带着惊恐。起初我以为他的惊恐源自刚刚他经历的痛苦。但是他立刻又转向简，然后又看向我——然后他的表情变得放松起来。 我也看着简，看到她再也没笑。她盯着我，我退缩了一下，以为会有巨大的pain。 但什么也没有发生. 爱德华重新回到我身边，他碰碰爱丽丝的胳膊，让她把我交给他。 阿罗大笑起来。“哈哈哈，太奇妙啦~” 简对于自己的挫败发出嘶嘶的不满声，身体前倾，象是准备进攻。 “不要这样，亲爱的。”阿罗安慰道，把苍白的手搭在她的肩膀上。 “她把我们弄糊涂了。” 简继续盯着我，上嘴唇向后张开露出牙齿。 “哈哈哈”阿罗又笑起来“你很勇敢，爱德华，能够不发出声。我曾经要简这样对待我——仅仅因为好奇。”他摇摇头，羡慕德说。 爱德华厌倦地看着他。 “现在我们该怎样对待你呢？”阿罗轻语。 爱德华和爱丽丝身体僵硬。他们一直在等待这部分。我开始发抖。 “你会不会改变主意呢”（原文I don't suppose there's any chance that you've changed your mind?）阿罗充满希望地看着爱德华。 “你的天赋很精彩”爱德华犹豫了一下。我的眼角瞥见费力克斯和简表情变得因厌恶而扭曲。 爱德华斟酌他的字“我。。不改变主意。” “爱丽丝呢？”阿罗问，仍然满怀希望。“你可能对加入我们感兴趣呢” “不，谢谢”爱丽丝说 “你呢？贝拉？”阿罗挑起眉毛。 爱德华在我耳边发出嘶嘶声。我茫然地看着阿罗。他在开玩笑吗？或者他只是问问我是不是要留下来吃晚餐？ 长着白发的凯厄斯打破了沉默。“什么？”他对阿罗低语。“凯厄斯，你肯定看见了她的潜力。”阿罗亲切地对他说“自从见到简和ALEC之后，我再没见过这么有期望的未知的能力了。你能想象到她假如我们之后的可能性么？” 凯厄斯表情怪异地转开，听到阿罗把我和她作比较，简眼中充满了愤怒。 爱德华在我身边暗暗发怒，我可以感受到他胸中的怒气再聚集就要爆发了，我不想他发脾气而受到伤害。 “不，谢谢。”我很小声地说，都被吓傻了。 阿罗叹气道：“真不幸，太浪费了。” 爱德华说道：“要么加入，要么死，是不是这样？我来这之前就预料到了，这是你的规矩。”     他的声音让我吃了一惊。他好像很生气，但是语气中好像有点儿故意挑衅——好像他是特意这么说的。 “当然不是这样。”阿罗惊奇地眨了眨眼，“我们本来就在这里开会，等待海蒂，而不是等你。” “阿罗，”凯厄斯叫道，“按照规矩他们得死。” 爱德华瞪了凯厄斯一眼，问道：“凭什么？”他肯定明白凯厄斯的意思，但是他就是想让凯厄斯说出来。 凯厄斯用他那消瘦的手指指着我：“她知道的太多了，你暴露我们的机密。”他的声音很细，和他的皮肤一样。 “你们的队伍本来就有人类。”爱德华提醒他，我马上想到下面服务台那位漂亮的女人。 凯厄思的脸换了一副表情，他是要笑吗？ “不错，”他承认道，“但是如果他们对我们不再有用，我们就会吸干他们的血。对于她你没有这样的打算吧。如果她泄露了我们的秘密，你会毁了她吗？我想不会。”他指责道。 “我不会的.....”还是很小声。凯厄思冷冷地看了我一眼，示意我闭嘴。 “你也不打算把她变成我们的一员，”凯厄思接着说，“所以，她是潜在的隐患。因此她必须死，你们想离开的话请便。” 爱德华露出了他的牙齿。 “我是这么认为的。”凯厄思说，似乎很开心。费力克斯等不及地向前倾。 “除非.....”阿罗打断他的话，他好像对谈话的进展不太满意，“除非你愿意让她成为不死的吸血鬼？” 爱德华抿了抿嘴，犹豫了一下说：“如果我真这么认为呢？” 阿罗又开心地笑了：“那你们就可以离开了，然后代表我向我的朋友卡莱尔问好。”他的表情变得更加急切，“但是恐怕你不是说真的。” 阿罗把手伸到他面前。 凯厄思本来是怒目而视的，现在也舒开眉头。 爱德华的嘴抿成一条线，他注视着我的眼睛，我也看着他的双眼。 “就这么决定吧，”我轻声说，“拜托了。” 变成吸血鬼真的有这么糟糕吗？他真的宁可死也不这么做？我感到心口阵阵疼痛。（这里的贝拉认为爱德华是因为不再爱她，不愿意和她在一起而难过） 爱德华带着痛苦的表情看着我。 然后爱丽丝向阿罗走去。我转过头看她，他的双手和阿罗一样举了起来。 她什么也没说，阿罗示意紧张的护卫让开。阿罗迎上前去，急切而好奇地抓住她的手。 他低下头看着他们的手，他闭上眼睛，集中注意力。爱丽丝一动不动，面无表情。我听到爱德华牙齿咯咯的响声。 没有一个人动一下，阿罗似乎被爱丽丝的手冻结在那里。时间一秒一秒地过去，我越来越紧张。不知道还要多久才到头，事情还会变得有多糟糕。 又过了难耐的一会儿，阿罗打破沉默。 “哈哈哈哈，”他大笑着，头还是低着。他突然抬起头，眼中异常兴奋，“太神奇了！” 爱丽丝冷冷地笑了笑：“很高兴你喜欢。” “看到你见过的食物——特别是那些还未发生的！”阿罗惊奇地摇着头。 “它们会发生的。”她平静地提醒他。 “是的，是的，这是注定的，毫无疑问。” 凯厄思看起来非常失望——费力克斯和简看上去也一样。 “阿罗。”费力克斯抱怨道。 “亲爱的凯厄思，”阿罗笑道，“不要心急。想想潜在的可能性！他们现在不愿意加入我们，我们可以等啊。只要想想要是小爱丽丝愿意加入我们，这个家庭就会更加快乐.....另外，我很好奇贝拉今后会怎样！” 阿罗似乎很有把握，难道他没有意识到爱丽丝的决定很主观么？今天她可以这么想象我，明天又可以换个想法，许许多多小的决定，她自己的，还有别人的——爱德华的——会改变她的人生，随之也会改变未来。 真的只要爱丽丝愿意就可以么？如果我不顾爱德华的反对，真的变成吸血鬼，事情会有什么不同么？对他来说，我整天围绕在他身边，永远地烦他比真地让他死还糟糕？我充满恐惧，陷入压抑之中，几乎窒息…… “那么我们可以走了？”爱德华平静地问。 “是的，是的，”阿罗愉快地回答，“但是请下次再来，这真得很令人开心！” “我们也会拜访你们的，”凯厄斯说，他的双眼像厚眼睑的蜥蜴那样半开着，“回去的时候注意点。如果我是你们，我不会再耽搁了，我们可不会给两次机会。” 爱德华牙咬得更紧了，但他还是点了一下头。 凯厄斯假笑了一声，然后回到马库斯坐的地方。马库斯一直坐着，漠不关心。 费力克斯叹了口气。 “啊，费力克斯，”阿罗笑着说，“海蒂随时会到，耐心点！” “恩。”爱德华更加认真地说，“那样的话，我们还是走得越快越好。” “是的，”阿罗赞同地说，“不错，难保会发生什么意外。但是，如果不介意的话，请在下面等到天黑再走吧。” “没问题，”爱德华回答，尽管我希望在离开之前在外面等着。 “还有，”阿罗补充说，用一只手指示意费力克斯。费力克斯立克走上前来，阿罗解开高大吸血鬼批的斗篷，脱了下来扔给爱德华。“拿着，你走在街上有点儿显眼。” 爱德华穿上斗篷，没把帽子戴上。 阿罗叹了一口气：“很适合你啊。” 爱德华冷笑了一声，看着身后，突然说：“谢谢你，阿罗，我们是在地下等着吧。” “再见了，年轻的朋友们。”阿罗说，他朝着爱德华看的方向望去，眼前一亮。 “我们走吧。”爱德华催促着说。 德米特里示意我们跟他走，原路返回，好像那是唯一的一条出路。爱德华快速地拉着我走，爱丽丝走在我的另一边，表情显得很僵硬。 “再走快点。”她说。 我惊恐地盯着她，但她好像只是随口说的。这时我听到阵阵声音——很响、很粗糙——从接待室那边传来。 “好像不太对劲啊。”一个粗粗的声音传来。 “好像是中古世纪似的。”一个女人尖尖的声音，不太高兴地回答 。 一大群人从小门挤进小房间，德米特里示意我们让开，我们紧靠着墙给他们让路。 那对夫妻走在前头，从口音上听出是美国人，他们的眼睛不停地四处观赏。 “欢迎，各位！欢迎来到沃特拉！”我听见阿罗在搭楼里招呼他们的声音。 还有大概四十多人跟着那对夫妻走进房间，有些人像游客一样欣赏室内的摆设，有一些人开始拍照，还有一些人很是迷惑，好像是把他们吸引到这里的故事不符合事实，我特别注意到一个矮小、黝黑的女人。她脖子上套了一圈玫瑰，一手紧紧抓着十字架 。她比别人走得慢，时不时地逮到个人问问，我听不懂她的语言。没人听得懂，她越来越恐慌。 爱德华把我的脸埋到他胸膛前，但是晚了一步，我已经明白一切了。 那个小缝隙一出现，爱德华就把我快速地推出门去。我几乎可以看到自己脸上的惊恐的表情，眼泪忍不住地往外涌。 那金碧辉煌的走廊很安静，除了一个衣着华丽的女人没有任何人。她惊奇地看着我们，尤其是我。 “欢迎回来，海蒂。”德米特里在我们后门和这个女人打招呼。 海蒂不在意地笑了笑。她使我想起了罗莎莉，虽然他们长得一点也不像——只是她们的美貌是那么出众，难以忘记。我无法将目光移开。“德米特里。”她的声音像丝绸那般柔和，她的双眼在我的脸和爱德华灰色的斗篷间移动。 “钓鱼收获不小啊。”德米特里赞扬道，我这才注意到她身上穿的那引人注目的外套.....她不仅是钓鱼，她还是诱饵。 “谢谢。”她露出一个迷人的微笑，“你不一起来吗？” “马上，给我留几条。” 海蒂点点头，串过门去之前又看了我一眼。 我必须小跑才能跟上爱德华的速度，但是我们还是没能在尖叫声之前穿过那扇门。
Chapter 22 Flight
DEMETRI LEFT US IN THE CHEERFULLY OPULENT RECEPTION area, where the womanGianna was still at her post behind the polished counter. Bright, harmless music tinkled from hiddenspeakers.
　　"Do not leave until dark," he warned us.
　　Edward nodded, and Demetri hurried away.
　　Gianna did not seem at all surprised by the exchange, though she did eye Edward's borrowed cloak withshrewd speculation.
　　 "Are you all right?" Edward asked under his breath, to low for the human woman to hear. His voice wasrough—if velvet can be rough—with anxiety. Still stressed by our situation, I imagined.
　　"You'd better make her sit before she falls," Alice said. "She's going to pieces."It was only then that I realize I was shaking, shaking hard, my entire frame vibrating until my teethchattered and the room around me seemed to wobble and blur in my eyes. For one wild second, Iwondered if this was how Jacob felt just before exploding into a werewolf.
　　I heard a sound that didn't make sense, a strange, ripping counterpart to the otherwise cheerybackground music. Distracted by the shaking, I couldn't tell where it was coming from.
　　"Shh, Bella, shh," Edward said as he pulled me to the sofa farthest away from the curious human at thedesk.
　　"I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her," Alice suggested.
　　Edward threw a frantic glance at her.
　　Then I understood. Oh. The noise was me. The ripping sound was the sobs coming from my chest.
　　That's what was shaking me.
　　"It's all right, you're safe, it's all right," he chanted again and again. He pulled ne onto his lap and tuckedthe thick wool cloak around me, protecting me from his cold skin.
　　I knew it was stupid to react like this. Who knew how much time I had to look at his race? He wassaved, and I was saved, and he could leave me as soon as we were free. To have my eyes so filled withtears that I could not see his features clearly was wasteful—insanity.
　　But, behind my eyes where the tears could not wash the image away, I could still see the panicked faceof the tiny woman with the rosary.
　　"All those people," I sobbed.
　　"I know," he whispered.
　　"It's so horrible.""Yes, it is. I wish you hadn't had to see that."I rested my head against his cold chest, using the thick cloak to wipe my eyes. I took a few deep breaths,trying to calm myself.
　　"Is there anything I can get you?" a voice asked politely. It was Gianna, leaning over Edward's shoulderwith a look that was both concerned and yet still professional and detached at the same time. It didn'tseem to bother her that her face was inches from a hostile vampire. She was either totally oblivious, orvery good at her job.
　　"No," Edward answered coldly.
　　She nodded, smiled at me, and then disappeared.
　　I waited until she was out of hearing range. "Does she know what's going on here?" I demanded, myvoice low and hoarse. I was getting control of myself, my breathing evening out.
　　 "Yes. She knows everything," Edward told me.
　　"Does she know they're going to kill her someday?""She's knows it's a possibility," he said.
　　That surprised me.
　　Edward's face was hard to read. "She's hoping they'll decide to keep her."I felt the blood leave my face. "She wants to be one of them?"He nodded once, his eyes sharp on my face, watching my reaction.
　　I shuddered. "How can she want that?" I whispered, more to myself than really looking for an answer.
　　"How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want to be a part of that?"Edward didn't answer. His expression twisted in response to something I'd said.
　　As I stared at his too beautiful face, trying to understand the change, it suddenly struck me that I wasreally here, in Edward's arms, however fleetingly, and that we were not—at this exact moment—about tobe killed.
　　"Oh, Edward," I cried, and I was sobbing again. It was such a stupid reaction. The tears were too thickfor me to see his face again, and that was inexcusable. I only had until sunset for sure. Like a fairy taleagain, with deadlines that ended the magic.
　　"What's wrong?" he asked, still anxious, rubbing my back with gentle pats.
　　I wrapped my arms around his neck—what was the worst he could do? Just push me away—andhugged myself closer to him. "Is it really sick for me to be happy right now?" I asked. My voice broketwice.
　　He didn't push me away. He pulled me tight against his ice-hard chest, so tight it was hard to breathe,even with my lungs securely intact. "I know exactly what you mean," he whispered. "But we have lots ofreasons to be happy. For one, we're alive.""Yes," I agreed. "That's a good one.""And together," he breathed. His breath was so sweet it made my head swim.
　　I just nodded, sure that he did not place the same weight on that consideration as I did.
　　"And, with any luck, we'll still be alive tomorrow.""Hopefully," I said uneasily.
　　"The outlook is quite good," Alice assured me. She'd been so quiet, I'd almost forgotten her presence.
　　"I'll see Jasper in less than twenty-four hours," she added in a satisfied tone.
　　Lucky Alice. She could trust her future.
　　I couldn't keep my eyes off of Edward's face for long. I stared at him, wishing more than anything that thefuture would never happen. That this moment would last forever, or, if it couldn't, that I would stopexisting when it did.
　　 Edward stared right back at me, his dark eyes soft, and it was easy to pretend that he felt the same way.
　　So that's what I did. I pretended, to make the moment sweeter.
　　His fingertips traced the circles under my eyes. "You look so tired.""And you look thirsty," I whispered back, studying the purple bruises under his black irises.
　　He shrugged. "It's nothing.""Are you sure? I could sit with Alice," I offered, unwilling; I'd rather he killed me now than move one inchfrom where I was.
　　"Don't be ridiculous." He sighed; his sweet breath caressed my face. "I've never been in better control ofthat side of my nature than right now."I had a million questions for him. One of them bubbled to my lips now, but I held my tongue. I didn'twant to ruin the moment, as imperfect as it was, here in this room that made me sick, under the eyes ofthe would-be monster.
　　Here in his arms, it was so easy to fantasize that he wanted me. I didn't want to think about hismotivations now—about whether he acted this way to keep me calm while we were still in danger, or ifhe just felt guilty for where we were and relieved that he wasn't responsible for my death. Maybe the timeapart had been enough that I didn't bore him for the moment. But it didn't matter. I was so much happierpretending.
　　I lay quiet in his arms, re-memorizing his face, pretending…He stared at my face like he was doing the same, while he and Alice discussed how to get home. Theirvoices were so quick and low that I knew Gianna couldn't understand. I missed half of it myself. Itsounded like more theft would be involved, though. I wondered idly if the yellow Porsche had made itback to its owner yet.
　　"What was all that talk about singers?" Alice asked at one point.
　　"La tua cantante," Edward said. His voice made the words into music.
　　"Yes, that," Alice said, and I concentrated for a moment. I'd wondered about that, too, at the time.
　　I felt Edward shrug around me. "They have a name for someone who smells the way Bella does to me.
　　They call her my singer—because her blood sings for me."Alice laughed.
　　I was tired enough to sleep, but I fought against the weariness. I wasn't going to miss a second of the timeI had with him. Now and then, as he talked with Alice, he would lean down suddenly and kiss me—hisglass-smooth lips brushing against my hair, my forehead, the tip of my nose. Each time it was like anelectric shock to my long dormant heart. The sound of its beating seemed to fill the entire room.
　　It was heaven—right smack in the middle of hell.
　　I lost track of the time completely. So when Edward's arms tightened around me, and both he and Alicelooked to the back of the room with wary eyes, I panicked. I cringed into Edward's chest as Alec—hiseyes now a vivid ruby, but still spotless in his light gray suit despite the afternoon meal—walked throughthe double doors.
　　 It was good news.
　　"You're free to leave now," Alec told us, his tone so warm you'd think we were all lifelong friends. "Weask that you don't linger in the city."Edward made no answering pretence; his voice was ice cold. "That won't be a problem."Alec smiled, nodded, and disappeared again.
　　"Follow the right hallway around the corner to the first set of elevators," Gianna told us as Edward helpedme to my feet. "The lobby is two floors down, and exits to the street. Goodbye, now," she addedpleasantly. I wondered if her competence would be enough to save her.
　　Alice shot her a dark look.
　　I was relieved there was another way out; I wasn't sure if I could handle another tour through theunderground.
　　We left through a tastefully luxurious lobby. I was the only one who glanced back at the medieval castlethat housed the elaborate business facade I couldn't see the turret from here, for which I was grateful.
　　The party was still in full swing in the streets. The street lamps were just coming on as we walked swiftlythrough the narrow, cobbled lanes. The sky was a dull, fading gray overhead, but the buildings crowdedthe streets so closely that it felt darker.
　　The party was darker, too. Edward's long, trailing cloak did not stand out in the way it might have on anormal evening in Volterra. There were others in black satin cloaks now, and the plastic fangs I'd seen onthe child in the square today seemed to be very popular with the adults.
　　"Ridiculous," Edward muttered once.
　　I didn't notice when Alice disappeared from beside me. I looked over to ask her a question, and she wasgone.
　　"Where's Alice?" I whispered in a panic.
　　"She went to retrieve your bags from where she stashed them this morning."I'd forgotten that I had access to a toothbrush. It brightened my outlook considerably.
　　"She's stealing a car, too, isn't she?" I guessed.
　　He grinned. "Not till we're outside."It seemed like a very long way to the entryway. Edward could see that I was spent; he wound his armaround my waist and supported most of my weight as we walked.
　　I shuddered as he pulled me through the dark stone archway. The huge, ancient portcullis above was likea cage door, threatening to drop on us, to lock us in.
　　He led me toward a dark car, waiting in a pool of shadow to the right of the gate with the engine running.
　　To my surprise, he slid into the backseat with me, instead of insisting on driving.
　　Alice was apologetic. "I'm sorry." She gestured vaguely toward the dashboard. "There wasn't much tochoose from." "It's fine, Alice." He grinned. "They can't all be 911 Turbos."She sighed. "I may have to acquire one of those legally. It was fabulous.""I'll get you one for Christmas," Edward promised.
　　Alice turned to beam at him, which worried me, as she was already speeding down the dark and curvyhillside at the same time.
　　"Yellow," she told him.
　　Edward kept me tight in his arms. Inside the gray cloak, I was warm and comfortable. More thancomfortable.
　　"You can sleep now, Bella," he murmured. "It's over."I knew he meant the danger, the nightmare in the ancient city, but I still had to swallow hard before Icould answer.
　　"I don't want to sleep. I'm not tired." Just the second part was a lie. I wasn't about to close my eyes. Thecar was only dimly lit by the dashboard controls, but it was enough that I could see his face.
　　He pressed his lips to the hollow under my ear. "Try," he encouraged.
　　I shook my head.
　　He sighed. "You're still just as stubborn."I was stubborn; I fought with my heavy lids, and I won.
　　The dark road was the hardest part; the bright lights at the airport in Florence made it easier, as did thechance to brush my teeth and change into clean clothes; Alice bought Edward new clothes, too, and heleft the dark cloak on a pile of trash in an alley. The plane trip to Rome was so short that there wasn'treally a chance for the fatigue to drag me under. I knew the flight from Rome to Atlanta would be anothermatter entirely, so I asked the flight attendant if she could bring me a Coke.
　　"Bella," Edward said disapprovingly. He knew my low tolerance for caffeine.
　　Alice was behind us. I could hear her murmuring to Jasper on the phone.
　　"I don't want to sleep," I reminded him. I gave him an excuse that was believable because it was true. "IfI close my eyes now, I'll see things I don't want to see. I'll have nightmares."He didn't argue with me after that.
　　It would have been a very good time to talk, to get the answers I needed—needed but not really wanted;I was already despairing at the thought of what I might hear. We had an uninterrupted block of tirreahead of us, and he couldn't escape me on an airplane—well, not easily, at least. No one would hear usexcept Alice; it was late, and most of the passengers were turning off lights and asking for pillows inmuted voices. Talk would help me fight off the exhaustion.
　　But, perversely, I bit my tongue against the flood of questions. My reasoning was probably flawed byexhaustion, but I hoped that by postponing the discussion, I could buy a few more hours with him atsome later time—spin this out for another night, Scheherazade-style.
　　 So I kept drinking soda, and resisting even the urge to blink. Edward seemed perfectly content to holdme in his arms, his fingers tracing my face again and again. I touched his face, too. I couldn't stop myself,though I was afraid it would hurt me later, when I was alone again. He continued to kiss my hair, myforehead, my wrists… but never my lips, and that was good. After all, how many ways can one heart bemangled and still be expected to keep beating? I'd lived through a lot that should have finished me in thelast few days, but it didn't make me feel strong. Instead, I felt horribly fragile, like one word could shatterme.
　　Edward didn't speak. Maybe he was hoping I would sleep. Maybe he had nothing to say.
　　I won the fight against my heavy lids. I was awake when we reached the airport in Atlanta, and I evenwatched the sun beginning to rise over Seattle's cloud cover before Edward slid the window shut. I wasproud of myself. I hadn't missed one minute.
　　Neither Alice nor Edward was surprised by the reception that waited for us at Sea-Tac airport, but itcaught me off guard. Jasper was the first one I saw—he didn't seem to see me at all. His eyes were onlyfor Alice. She went quickly to his side; they didn't embrace like other couples meeting there. They onlystared into each other's faces, yet, somehow, the moment was so private that I still felt the need to lookaway.
　　Carlisle and Esme waited in a quiet corner far from the line for the metal detectors, in the shadow of awide pillar. Esme reached for me, hugging me fiercely, yet awkwardly, because Edward kept his armsaround me, too.
　　"Thank you so much," she said in my ear.
　　Then she threw her arms around Edward, and she looked like she would be crying if that were possible.
　　"Youwill never put me through :hat again," she nearly growled.
　　Edward grinned, repentant. "Sorry, Mom.""Thank you, Bella," Carlisle said. "We owe you.""Hardly," I mumbled. The sleepless night was suddenly overpowering. My head felt disconnected frommy body.
　　"She's dead on her feet," Esme scolded Edward. "Let's get her home."Not sure if home was what I wanted at this point, I stumbled, half-blind, through the airport, Edwarddragging me on one side and Esme on the other. I didn't know if Alice and Jasper were behind us or not,and I was too exhausted to look.
　　I think I was mostly asleep, though I was still walking, when we reached their car. The surprise of seeingEmmett and Rosalie leaning against the black sedan under the dim lights of the parking garage revived mesome. Edward stiffened.
　　"Don't," Esme whispered. "She feels awful.""She should," Edward said, making no attempt to keep his voice down.
　　"It's not her fault," I said, my words garbled with exhaustion.
　　"Let her make amends," Esme pleaded. "We'll ride with Alice and Jasper." Edward glowered at the absurdly lovely blond vampire waiting for us.
　　"Please, Edward," I said. I didn't want to ride with Rosalie any more than he seemed to, but I'd causedmore than enough discord in his family.
　　He sighed, and towed me toward the car.
　　Emmett and Rosalie got in the front seat without speaking, while Edward pulled me in the back again. Iknew I wasn't going to be able to fight my eyelids anymore, and I laid my head against his chest in defeat,letting them close. I felt the car purr to life.
　　"Edward," Rosalie began.
　　"I know." Edward's brusque tone was not generous.
　　"Bella?" Rosalie asked softly.
　　My eyelids fluttered open in shock. It was the first time she'd ever spoken directly to me.
　　"Yes, Rosalie?" I asked, hesitant.
　　"I'm so very sorry, Bella. I feel wretched about every part of this, and so grateful that you were braveenough to go save my brother after what I did. Please say you'll forgive me."The words were awkward, stilted because of her embarrassment, but they seemed sincere.
　　"Of course, Rosalie," I mumbled, grasping at any chance to make her hate me a little less. "It's not yourfault at all. I'm the one who jumped off the damn cliff. Of course I forgive you."The words came out like mush.
　　"It doesn't count until she's conscious, Rose," Emmett chuckled.
　　"I'm conscious," I said; it just sounded like a garbled sigh.
　　"Let her sleep," Edward insisted, but his voice was a little warmer.
　　It was quiet then, except for the gentle thrum of the engine. I must have fallen asleep, because it seemedlike seconds later when the door opened and Edward was carrying me from the car. My eyes wouldn'topen. At first I thought we were still at the airport.
　　And then I heard Charlie.
　　"Bella!" he shouted from some distance.
　　"Charlie," I mumbled, trying to shake off the stupor.
　　"Shh," Edward whispered. "It's okay; you're home and safe. Just sleep.""I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here." Charlie bellowed at Edward, his voice muchcloser now.
　　"Stop it, Dad," I groaned. He didn't hear me.
　　"What's wrong with her?" Charlie demanded.
　　 "She's just very tired, Charlie," Edward assured him quietly. "Please let her rest.""Don't tell me what to do!" Charlie yelled. "Give her to me. Get your hands off her!"Edward tried to pass me to Charlie, but I clung to him with locked, tenacious fingers. I could feel my dadyanking on my arm.
　　"Cut it out, Dad," I said with more volume. I managed to drag my lids back to stare at Charlie with blearyeyes. "Be mad at me."We were in front of my house. The front door was standing open. The cloud cover overhead was toothick to guess at a time of day.
　　"You bet I will be," Charlie promised. "Get inside." i'"Kay. Let me down," I sighed.
　　Edward set me on my feet. I could see that I was upright, but I couldn't feel my legs. I trudged forwardanyway, until the sidewalk swirled up toward my face. Edward's arms caught me before I hit theconcrete.
　　"Just let me get her upstairs," Edward said. "Then I'll leave.""No," I cried, panicking. I hadn't got my answers yet. He had to stay for at least that much, didn't he?
　　"I won't be far," Edward promised, whispering so low in my ear that Charlie didn't have a hope ofhearing.
　　I didn't hear Charlie answer, but Edward headed into the house. My open eyes only made it till the stairs.
　　The last thing I felt was Edward's cool hands prying my fingers loose from his shirt.22  逃亡
德米特里把我们带到宽敞、明亮的服务台前，那个叫吉安娜的女人还在那个柜台上，轻快、祥和的音乐从隐藏的扩音器中传来。 
“天黑之前不要离开。”他提醒我们。 爱德华点点头，德米特里匆忙离开。 
吉安娜对于我们的对话一点也不惊奇，但是她狡黠地打量了爱德华借来的那件斗篷。 
“你还好吧？”爱德华压低声音问我，以免那个女人听到。他的声音因为焦虑而有点儿粗糙——如果天鹅绒有时也会粗糙的话，我想他对我们的境况依然担忧。 
“你最好在她倒下之前找个地方给她坐下。”爱丽丝说，“她都快崩溃了。” 
这时我才意识到我在不停地颤抖，我的整个身体猛烈地抖动直到牙齿都咯咯作响，眼前一片模糊，周围的房间都摇晃着。当时有一瞬间，我感觉和雅各布蜕变成狼人那样痛苦。 我听到一个莫名的声音，一个奇怪的、尖锐的声音，和轻快的背景音乐极不协调。由于颤抖得厉害，我搞不清楚声音是从哪里传来的。
“嘘，贝拉，嘘......”爱德华把我拉到离那个好奇的女人很远的桌子旁边。
“我怀疑她正歇斯底里呢，你最好扇她一巴掌。”爱丽丝建议说。 
爱德华狠狠地瞪了她一眼。 
这个时侯，我才明白，那个声音是我发出来的。从我胸膛中爆发出来的呐喊，它使我浑身颤抖。 
“没事了，安全了，没事了。”他不停地重复着。他把我抱到他的腿上，用斗篷垫着，把我和他冰冷的身体隔开。 我知道这个样子看起来很蠢，但是谁又能知道我还能看着他的脸多久？他没事了，我也获救了，我们出去之后他就会离开我，让自己的眼睛含满泪水而不能看清他的脸，我真是疯了。 但是，我的泪水无法洗去我双眼背后的一个形象，那个带着玫瑰花环的小女人的惶恐的脸始终在我眼前晃荡。 “那些人。”我抽噎着说。 “我知道。”他轻声说。 “太可怕了。” “是的，我多希望你没有看到那一幕。” 我靠在他冰冷的胸膛上，用那厚厚的斗篷擦着泪水。我深吸了几口气，试图让自己平静下来。 “你需要点什么吗？”一个声音有礼貌地问道。是吉安娜，她从爱德华肩上低头看着我，眼神中流露着关心，同时又有着职业惯性的漠然。她并不害怕自己离一个吸血鬼仅仅几厘米的距离，她的工作态度一般，不是很认真但也还算是过得去。 
“不需要。”爱德华冷冷地回答。 
她点了点头，对我微笑了一下，离开了。 我等她走远了，问道：“她知道我们所发生的一切吗？”我的声音很低沉。我已经平静下来了，呼吸也顺畅了。 
“是的，她什么都知道。”爱德华告诉我。
“她知道有一天他们会把她杀了吗？” 
“她明白有这样的可能。”他说。 
我很惊奇。 爱德华的脸上没有什么表情：“她希望他们能让她活下去。” 
我突然觉得脸上毫无血色：“她想成为一名吸血鬼？” 
他点了点头，眼睛注视着我，想看我的反应。 
我打了一个冷战，“她怎么会这么想呢？”我低声对自己说，而不想得到一个回答，“她怎么可以看着这些人走进那件恐怖的房间，还想着成为他们的一员呢？”
爱德华没有回答，当他听到我的话时，他的脸上抽搐了一下。 我盯着他那俊美的脸，想猜出那下抽搐的意味，但是我突然意识到，现在我躺在爱德华的臂弯里，尽管很短暂，至少我们不会死——在那一刻。 
“哦。爱德华。”我哭出声来，然后开始抽泣，多么愚蠢的行为。泪水使得我看不清他的脸，我不能原谅自己，我只有等着太阳落下，就像一个美丽的童话故事等待一个结束的终点。
“怎么了？”他焦急地问我，轻轻拍打着我的背。 
我双手钩住了他的脖子——他会怎么做？把我推开吗——我更加紧紧地抱住他。“我现在觉得很幸福，难道不对吗？”我问他，声音断断续续。 
他没有推开我，他把我抱得更紧了，紧得我都不能呼吸，虽然我现在呼吸已经顺畅过来了。
“我明白你的意思，”他轻声说，“但是我们有好多值得庆幸的理由。不如说，我们还活着。” 
“是的，”我回答，“很好的理由。” 
“还有我们还在一起。”他说。他的呼吸如此舒适，我几乎开始神游了。
我只是点点头，心里明白他在这一点上和我的看法不完全一致。 
“而且，明天我们也一定会活着。” 
“但愿如此。”我不安地回答。
“未来很乐观的。”爱丽丝安慰我。她一直在旁边安静地等着，我几乎忘了她的存在，“很快我就可以见到贾斯帕了。”她满意地说。 
爱丽丝真幸运，她对未来还满怀信心。
我眼睛久久无法从爱德华的脸上移开，我注视着他，希望未来永远不要降临，希望这一刻可以永恒。如果不能，在未来到达的那一刻我宁愿结束生命。 
爱德华也看着我，他的目光那么温和，你可以很轻易相信他也是这么想的。我就是这么做的，这样就可以使这一刻变得更加甜蜜。 
他的指尖顺着我的眼睛周围滑过：“你看起来很累了。” 
“你看起来很渴了。”我轻声回答，看着他黑色眼膜下方紫色的淤青。
他耸耸肩：“没关系。” 
“你确信？我可以和爱丽丝坐在这等。”我不情愿地提议，我宁可他杀了我，也不想从现在这个位置移开。 
“不要开玩笑了。”他叹了口气，他清新的呼吸拂过我的面颊，“我没有什么时候比现在更能控制住我的那个天性了。” 
我有好多好多问题想问他，有一个已经到了舌尖了。但我还是没问，我不想破坏这样美好的时刻，虽然此时，在这个是我不舒服的房间里，面对一个潜在的吸血鬼，这样的时刻并不十全十美。 
躺在他的臂弯里，很容易使我相信他需要我。我不愿去想他这么做的原因——他这样做是否只为了让我平静下来，还是他对我们的处境感到内疚，在我幸存下来后他感到如释重负？再或者我们分开的日子足够久，以至于他不介意现在的枯燥？但是，这一切都不重要。即使是自欺欺人，我也觉得很幸福。 
我静静地躺在他的臂弯里，记住他的脸，自我陶醉着.... 
他看着我的脸好像他也在陶醉，但是同时他和爱丽丝讨论怎么回去。他们的声音很快、很低，我知道吉安娜是听不到的。我也只能听到一部分，听起来需要偷一些东西，我猜想那辆黄色的保时捷是不是已经物归原主了。 
“讨论那些歌手干什么？"爱丽丝问道。 
“我们的歌唱家。”爱德华说道，他说这些词的时候是用唱的。 
“好的，就是她了。”爱丽丝说，我集中注意力听了一会儿，我遐想联翩。 
我感觉到爱德华耸了耸肩：“每个人心中都会有个人，那个人的味道就像贝拉对我的吸引那样。他们称她是我的歌手——因为她的血液就是我的音乐。” 
爱丽丝笑了。 
我又累又困，但是我现在忘记了疲劳，我不愿浪费和他在一起的每一秒钟。他和爱丽丝谈话的过程中，会时不时地低头亲吻我——他光滑的嘴唇拂过我的头发、我的前额，还有我的鼻尖。每一次对我那早已臣服的心都是一次悸动，我心跳的声音仿佛响彻了整个房间。 
这儿是天堂——地狱里的天堂。
我失去了对时间的感觉，当爱德华抱着我的时候，他和埃里斯的眼睛都转向那个房间，这让我感到一阵恐惧。亚力克近来的时候他的眼睛让我想到红宝石，看着他穿着干净无暇的浅灰色西装——我紧紧地靠在爱德华的身上。他带来一个好消息。
“你们可以走了，”他说，声音很热情，好像是我们相识很久的老朋友，“你们不能在这个城市长时间停留。”
爱德华很直接，“正和我意。”
亚力可笑着点点头，然后消失了。
“沿着走廊到第一个转角做第一部电梯，”爱德华抚我起来，安娜说道，“大厅向下两层就是街道出口，再见了”她的声音让人觉得她似乎很愉快。我不知道凭她的能力她能够活多久。 
爱丽丝看了看她。 
知道有另一条出口让我顿时松了一口气，我不敢保证自己还有能力走过那条地下通道。 
我们路过那个装修华丽的大厅。只有我回头看了那座被那些商业建筑包围的古堡，让我庆幸的是我从这儿能看到那座塔楼。 
街上的狂欢这在高潮。我们穿过狭窄的胡同时，街灯也刚亮不久。天空是忧郁的浅灰色，周围密密麻麻的楼层使得天空更加的阴暗。 狂欢节看起来很消沉。 这样到显得爱德华的斗篷不那么扎眼了。别的人也有披着斗篷的，有的大人也开始带我早晨看见的那个小孩戴的塑料假牙。 
“真可笑。”爱德华说到。 
爱丽丝不知道什么时候消失的，我回头想和她说话时才发现她已经不在了。 
“爱丽丝呢？”我有点紧张的小声问到。 
“他去拿你的包，早晨来时藏起来了。” 
早晨我还刷牙了呢，这让我有了些精神。 
“她是不是还得偷辆车。” 
爱德华笑了，“这个一会儿出去再说。” 
快到入口的时候爱德华发现我走不动了，就用手搂着我的腰，好把我的重量转嫁到他身上。 
我战战兢兢的任它带着我走过石门，头顶上的闸门看起来像是一个随时都会掉下来把我们罩住的笼子。 
我们走到一辆黑色轿车旁，站在阴影里等着汽车发动。让人意外的是他居然没去开车，而是陪着我坐在了后面。
爱丽丝一脸歉意，“抱歉，”他指着仪表盘，“没什么车让我选。”
“不要紧爱丽丝，总不能到处都是保时捷911Turbos吧。”
她谈了口气，“我应该用合法手段弄一辆。”
“圣诞节我送你一辆。”爱德华承诺到。
爱丽丝对着他微笑,这让我担心,因为与此同时她正加速把车开入黑暗且崎岖的半山腰中 
“我要黄色的” 她告诉他 
爱德华将我紧紧的拥入怀里,包裹在灰色斗篷下,我感到温暖且舒适 甚至比舒适的感觉更好 
“你现在可以好好睡了,贝拉”他低语 “都结束了” 
我知道他意思指的是在那座古老的城市中的所有危险以及噩梦,但我还是得狠狠的吞咽一大口水才能开口说话 
“我不想睡,我不累” 说不累其实是骗人的,但我还是不想阖上眼睛. 整台车内只有从仪表板上传来的隐约微光,但这些光已经足够让我看见他的脸 
他将唇轻轻的落在我的耳后 “试着闭上眼” 他鼓励着 
我摇摇头 
他叹息 “你还是这么顽固” 
我很顽固;我努力抵抗我沉重的眼皮,我赢了 
这黑漆漆的道路是整段旅程中最令人难受的一段, Florence(意大利城市)中的机场里明亮的光线让人稍微好过些,因为这让我有个机会可以刷牙并且换套干净的衣服;爱丽丝也帮爱德华找了套新衣服,然后他将黑斗篷丢再街道上的一堆垃圾堆里. 到罗马的这段飞机旅程实在太短让我根本没机会因为疲累而昏睡过去.我知道从罗马到Atlanta会是另一段长长的航程,所以我问空姐是否能帮我拿杯可乐 
“贝拉,”爱德华出声表不赞同,他知道我对caffeine有很低的抵抗力 
爱丽丝坐在我们后面,我听到她正低声的和贾斯帕讲电话 
“我不想睡”我提醒他,我给他一个真实而且可信的理由,”如果我闭上眼睛,我会看到我不想看的东西. 我会做恶梦” 他之后没有再和我争论 
这会是一个很好的谈话时刻,能听到我需要的—但不是我想要的答案,我已经准备好要为我可能听到的答案而绝望伤心了. 我们接下来有很长的一段,且不会被打扰的时间,况且他没办法从飞机上逃走—嗯,至少很不容易办到. 除了爱丽丝,没人会听到我们俩说话;已经很晚了,大部分的乘客都已熄灯且轻声的要了个枕头. 谈话能帮助我对抗疲累 
但我依旧很顽强的咬住舌头不让排山倒海的疑问问出口,我想或许是因为我累了,但我希望能拖延这次谈话,这样我就能在之后能有多些时间与他相处—将这次谈话留到下一晚,Scheherazade方式
所以我不停得喝可乐，甚至忍住不眨眼睛。有我在他的臂弯里，爱德华似乎非常满足，他不时地用手指碰触我的脸颊，我也抚摸着他的脸庞。我控制不住，虽然我知道这样会使分别后的时光更加难过，他不断地亲吻我的头发，我的额头和手，幸好他没有亲吻我的双唇，毕竟，说能在心碎后还能再指望强烈的心跳感觉呢？过去的几天我经历了很多苦难，但我并没有因此变得更加坚强，相反，我觉得自己极其脆弱，仿佛一句话就能把我摧毁。 
爱德华没有说什么，也许他是希望我能睡着，或者他也无话可说。 
我战胜了沉重的睡意，一直到达亚特兰大机场我都是睁着眼睛的，我甚至还在爱德华关上窗户之前看到了西雅图的日出，我感到满足，我没有浪费一分钟。 
爱丽丝和爱德华看到西塔机场迎接我们的排场时都毫不意外，但是我却着实吃了一惊。我看到的第一个人是贾斯帕，但是他根本没有看到我，他的眼里只有爱丽丝，她快速走到他身边，他们没有像其他爱人见面那样拥抱，他们只是很深情地相互对视，我不得不转开目光。
卡莱尔和埃斯梅在离金属探测器很远的角落里等着，躲在一根柱子的阴影中。埃斯梅来到我面前，紧紧地拥抱着我，但是动作有点儿奇怪，因为爱德华的手臂一直挽着我。 
“真的很感谢你。”她对我说。 
然后她拥抱了爱德华，如果可以她真的想哭出来。 
“你再也不要让我们这么担心了！”她几乎咆哮着说。 
爱德华歉疚地笑了：“对不起，妈妈。” 
“谢谢，贝拉，”卡莱尔说，“我们欠你太多了。” 
“哪里。”我嘀咕着，我终于禁不住一整夜的无眠，感觉头和身体快分离了。
“她累坏了，”埃斯梅责备爱德华，“快带她回家！” 
并不确定所谓的家是不是我所期望的那个，我跌跌撞撞的，半盲的穿过了机场。爱德华和埃斯梅分别在两边拖着我。我不知道爱丽丝和贾斯帕是不是在我们后面，我也没有力气再回头看了。 
当我们走到车前时，我想我几乎要睡着了，尽管我仍然在行动。在停车场昏暗的光线下，看到埃美特和罗莎莉靠在黑色的轿车上的惊喜让我稍稍精神了一点儿。爱德华变的有些不自然。 
“不要”埃斯梅小声说，“她感觉很难受”
“她应该的”爱德华说，毫不压抑他的声音。 
“这不是她的错。”我说，我的话说的很不清楚，且极度批疲惫。 
“让她道歉吧”埃斯梅恳求着。“我们和爱丽丝, 贾斯帕一起走”
爱德华愤怒的盯着等着我们的奇异的，可爱的金发吸血鬼 
“贝拉，不要”我说。我不会比他更想和罗莎莉一起走，但是我已经给他的家庭造成够多的冲突了。 
他叹了一口气，拉着我走向了车。 
爱德华把我又一次拉近了后面。埃美特和罗莎莉沉默着坐进了前座。我知道我无法再和自己的眼皮抗争了，因此我把自己的头靠在他的胸前投降了，眼睛终于闭上了。我感觉到车子呜呜的开动了。 
“爱德华” 罗莎莉说 
“我知道”爱德华严厉的语气并不宽宏大量。 
“贝拉？”罗莎莉轻声问道。 
在震惊下，我的眼皮不停的跳着睁开了。这是她第一次直接和我说话。 
“怎么了，罗莎莉?” 我犹豫的回答道。 
“我真的很抱歉，贝拉。我对这一切都感到难受，并且十分感激你在我做了这一切之后，你仍然这么勇敢的去营救我的哥哥。请你说你会原谅我的。” 
由于她的窘迫，这些话听起来很不自然而且很尴尬，但是他们看起来很真诚。 
“当然了，罗莎莉.”我嘟囔着，贪心的抓住任何机会使得她对我的厌恶能少一点。“这不是你的错。是我跳下了哪该死的悬崖。我当然会原谅你。”
这些话听起来像是糊在了一起。 
“别考虑这些了，直到她神志清醒了，罗莎莉。”埃美特咯咯的笑着 
“我是清醒的”我说，只是听起来不清楚罢了。 
“让她睡觉。”爱德华坚持说。但是他的嗓音听起来温和一些了。 
之后一直很安静除了发动机在轻轻的敲打着。我一定已经睡着了，因为似乎几秒钟之后当门打开，爱德华把我抱出车时，我的眼睛一直没有睁开。一开始，我认为我们还在飞机场呢。 
之后，我听到了查理的声音。 
“贝拉!”他在不远的地方喊叫着 
“查理”我嘟囔着，试图要从昏迷中醒过来。
“嘘”爱德华耳语说。“一切都好了，你到家了，安全了。睡觉吧。” 
“我不敢相信你还有脸站在这儿.”查理对爱德华咆哮着，他的声音现在近多了。 
“停下来，爸爸“我呻吟着，他没有听见我。 “她怎么了？”查理关切的问道。 
“她只是太累了，查理” 爱德华安静地使他确信这一点“请让她休息吧。”
“不用你告诉我怎么做！”查理嚎叫着“把她给我。拿开你的手！。”
爱德华想把我递给查理,但是我卡主一样的紧粘不放的手指紧紧的抱住他。我可以感觉到我的爸爸猛拉我的胳膊。 
“放开我，爸爸”我说了大声了一点儿。我试图用朦胧的双眼看着查理，“对我发火吧！” 
我们在我家门前。前门一直开着。头顶上的一大片云笼罩着我们，云太厚了以至于猜不出现在已经几点了。 
“你打赌我会这么做。”查理保证说。“进来” 
我叹口气说“放我下来吧。” 
爱德华让我站了起来。我可以看见我是直立着的，但是我感觉不到我的腿。我步履艰难地向前走，直到人行道像漩涡一样打着转扑向我的脸。爱德华的胳膊在我落地之前接住了我。 
“让我把她带上楼去吧。”爱德华说。“然后我就走。” 
“不。”我哭着，惊慌失措。我还没有得到我的答案。他至少应该留到那个时候，但是不是吗？ 
“我不会走远的。”爱德华保证道，在我耳旁如此小声的说，因此查理绝对不会听到。 
我没听见查理的回答。但是爱德华走进了房子。我睁着的眼睛只保持道了楼梯。我所感觉到的最后一件事情是爱德华冰凉的手把我的手指从他的衬衣上撬下来。
Chapter 23 The Truth
I HAD THE SENSE THAT I'D BEEN ASLEEP FOR A VERY long time—my body was stiff, like Ihadn't moved once through all that time, either. My mind was dazed and slow; strange, colorfuldreams—dreams and nightmares—swirled dizzily around the inside of my head. They were so vivid. Thehorrible and the heavenly, all mixed together into a bizarre jumble. There was sharp impatience and fear,both part of that frustrating dream where your feet can't move fast enough… And there were plenty ofmonsters, red-eyed fiends that were all the more ghastly for their genteel civility. The dream was stillstrong—I could even remember the names. But the strongest, clearest part of the dream was not thehorror. It was the angel that was most clear.
　　It was hard to let him go and wake up. This dream did not want to be shoved away into the vault ofdreams I refused to revisit. I struggled with it as my mind became more alert, focusing on reality. Icouldn't remember what day of the week it was, but I was sure Jacob or school or work or somethingwas waiting for me. I inhaled deeply, wondering how to face another day.
　　Something cold touched my forehead with the softest pressure.
　　I squeezed my eyes more tightly shut. I was still dreaming, it seemed, and it felt abnormally real. I was soclose to waking… any second now, and it would be gone.
　　But I realized that it felt too real, too real to be good for me. The stone arms I imagined wrapped around me were far too substantial. If I let this go any further, I'd be sorry for it later. With a resigned sigh, Iwrenched back my eyelids to dispel the illusion.
　　"Oh!" I gasped, and threw my fists over my eyes.
　　Well, clearly, I'd gone too far; it must have been a mistake to let my imagination get so out of hand.
　　Okay, so "let" was the wrong word. I'd forced it to get out of hand—pretty much stalked myhallucinations—and now my mind had snapped.
　　It took less than half a second for me to realize that, as long as I was truly insane now, I might as wellenjoy the delusions while they were pleasant.
　　I opened my eyes again—and Edward was still there, his perfect face just inches away from mine.
　　"Did I frighten you?" His low voice was anxious. This was very good, as delusions went. The face, thevoice, the scent, everything—it was so much better than drowning. The beautiful figment of myimagination watched my changing expressions, with alarm. His irises were pitch-black, with bruise-likeshadows under them. This surprised me; my hallucinatory Edwards were usually better fed.
　　I blinked twice, desperately trying to remember the last thing that I was sure was real. Alice was part ofmy dream, and I wondered if she had really come back at all, or if that was just the preamble. I thoughtshe'd returned the day I'd nearly drowned…"Oh, crap" I croaked. My throat was thick with sleeping.
　　"What's wrong, Bella?"I frowned at him unhappily. His face was even more anxious than before.
　　"I'm dead, right?" I moaned. "I did drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie."Edward frowned, too. "You're not dead.""Then why am I not waking up?" I challenged, raising my eyebrows.
　　"You are awake, Bella."I shook my head. "Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I dowake up. If I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee andJake…" I trailed off in horror at what I had done.
　　"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare." His short-lived smile was grim. "But I can'timagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?"I grimaced. "Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me."He sighed.
　　My head was getting clearer. My eyes flickered away from his face—unwillingly—for one second, to thedark, open window, and then back to him. I started to remember details… and I felt a faint, unfamiliarblush warm the skin over my cheekbones as I slowly realized that Edward was really, truly here with me,and I was wasting time being an idiot.
　　"Did all of that really happen, then?" It was almost impossible to reassign my dream as reality. I couldn'twrap my head around the concept.
　　 "That depends." Edward's smile was still hard. "If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy,then, yes.""How strange," I mused. "I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east thanAlbuquerque?"He rolled his eyes. "Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent.""I'm not tired anymore." It was all coming clear now. "What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?""It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours."I stretched as he spoke. I was so stiff.
　　"Charlie?" I asked.
　　Edward frowned. "Sleeping. You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now. Well, nottechnically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window… But,still, the intent was clear.""Charlie banned you from the house?" I asked, disbelief quickly melting into fury.
　　His eyes were sad. "Did you expect anything else?"My eyes were mad. I was going to have a few words with my father—perhaps it would be a good timeto remind him that I was over the legal age of adulthood. It didn't matter so much, of course, except inprinciple. All too soon there would be no reason for the prohibition. I turned my thoughts to less painfulavenues.
　　"What's the story?" I asked, genuinely curious, but also trying desperately to keep the conversationcasual, to keep a firm grip on myself, so I wouldn't scare him away with the frantic, gnawing craving thatwas raging inside me.
　　"What do you mean?""What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for… how long was I gone, anyway?" Itried to count the hours in my head.
　　"Just three days." His eyes tightened, but he smiled more naturally this time. "Actually, I was hoping youmight have a good explanation. I've got nothing."I groaned. "Fabulous.""Well, maybe Alice will come up with something," he offered, trying to comfort me.
　　And I was comforted. Who cared what I had to deal with later? Every second that he was here—soclose, his flawless face glowing in the dim light from the numbers on my alarm clock—was precious andnot to be wasted.
　　"So," I began, picking the least important—though still vitally interesting—question to start with. I wassafely delivered home, and he might decide to leave at any moment. I had to keep him talking. Besides,this temporary heaven wasn't entirely complete without the sound of his voice. "What have you beendoing, up until three days ago?"His face turned wary in an instant. "Nothing terribly exciting." "Of course not," I mumbled.
　　"Why are you making that face?""Well…" I pursed my lips, considering. "If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thingyou would say. My imagination must be used up."He sighed. "If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?""Nightmare!" I repeated scornfully. He waited for my answer. "Maybe," I said after a second of thought.
　　"If you tell me.""I was… hunting.""Is that the best you can do?" I criticized. "That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake."He hesitated, and then spoke slowly, choosing his words with care. "I wasn't hunting fot food… I wasactually trying my hand at… tracking. I'm not very good at it.""What were you tracking?" I asked, intrigued.
　　"Nothing of consequence." His words didn't match his expression; he looked upset, uncomfortable.
　　"I don't understand."He hesitated; his face, shining with an odd green cast from the light of the clock, was torn.
　　"I—" He took a deep breath. "I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more thanthat. But you have to know,"—the words began to flow so fast, the way I remembered he spokesometimes when he was agitated, that I really had to concentrate to catch them all—"that I had no idea. Ididn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea thatVictoria,"—his lips curled back when he said the name—"would come back. I'll admit, when I saw herthat one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had thiskind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize why now—she was so sureof him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded herfeelings about him—that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there.
　　"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice—what shesaw herself—when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile,the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself—he shuddered and the gush of words halted for a shortsecond. "Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I cansee and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for—""Stop," I interrupted him. He stared at me with agonized eyes, and I tried to find the right words—thewords that would free him from this imagined obligation that caused him so much pain. They were veryhard words to say. I didn't know if I could get them out without breaking down. But I had to try to do itright. I didn't want to be a source of guilt and anguish in his life. He should be happy, no matter what itcost me.
　　I'd really been hoping to put off this part of our last conversation. It was going to bring things to an end somuch sooner.
　　Drawing on all my months of practice with trying to be normal for Charlie, I kept my face smooth.
　　 "Edward," I said. His name burned my throat a little on the way out. I could feel the ghost of the hole,waiting to rip itself wide again as soon as he disappeared. I didn't quite see how I was going to survive itthis time. "This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this… this guilt…rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault,it's just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have torealize that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel badthat you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, andnot your fault. I know it's your… your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can'tlet that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible—think of Esme and Carlisle and—"I was on the edge of losing it. I stopped to take a deep breath, hoping to calm myself. I had to set himfree. I had to make sure this never happened again.
　　"Isabella Marie Swan," he whispered, the strangest expression crossing his face. He almost looked mad.
　　"Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?"I could feel the blank incomprehension on my face. "Didn't you?""Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend.""Then… what are you saying? I don't understand.""Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead," he said, voice soft, eyes fierce. "Even ifI'd had no hand in your death"—he shuddered as he whispered the last word—"even if it wasn't myfault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful—I should have spoken toAlice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed tothink when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?
　　"The odds…" he muttered then, distracted. His voice was so low I wasn't sure I beard it right. "The oddsare always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again.""But I still don't understand," I said. "That's my whole point. So what?""Excuse me?""So what if I was dead?"He stared at me dubiously for a long moment before answering. "Don't you remember anything I told youbefore?""I remember everything that you told me." Including the words that had negated all the rest.
　　He brushed the tip of his cool finger against my lower lip. "Bella, you seem to be under amisapprehension." He closed his eyes, shaking his head back and forth with half a smile on his beautifulface. It wasn't a happy smile. "I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world whereyou don't exist.""I am…" My head swam as I looked for the appropriate word. "Confused." That worked. I couldn'tmake sense of what he was saying.
　　He stared deep into my eyes with his sincere, earnest gaze. "I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be."I froze, my muscles locking down as if for impact. The fault line in my chest rippled; the pain of it took mybreath away.
　　 He shook my shoulder, trying to loosen my rigid pose. "Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you tobelieve me so quickly." He winced. "That was… excruciating."I waited, still frozen.
　　"When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye—"I didn't allow myself to remember. I fought to keep myself in the present second only.
　　"You weren't going to let go," he whispered. "I could see that. I didn't want to do it—it felt like it wouldkill me to do it—but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would justtake you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so wouldyou.""A clean break," I whispered through unmoving lips.
　　"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible—thatyou would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant theseed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry—sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was aworthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I an. I lied to save you, and it didn't work.
　　I'm sorry.
　　"But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you letone word break your faith in me?"I didn't answer. I was too shocked to form a rational response.
　　"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd,ridiculous concept—as if there were anu way that I could exist without needing you!"I was still frozen. His words were incomprehensible, because they were impossible.
　　He shook my shoulder again, not hard, but enough that my teeth rattled a little.
　　"Bella," he sighed. "Really, what were you thinking!"And so I started to cry. The tears welled up and then gushed miserably down my cheeks.
　　"I knew it," I sobbed. "I knew I was dreaming.""You're impossible," he said, and he laughed once—a hard laugh, frustrated. "How can I put this so thatyou'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I have always lovedyou, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that Iwas away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."I shook my head while the tears continued to ooze from the corners of my eyes.
　　"You don't believe me, do you?" he whispered, his face paler than his usual pale—I could see that evenin the dim light. "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?""It never made sense for you to love me," I explained, my voice breaking twice. "I always knew that."His eyes narrowed, his jaw tightened.
　　"I'll prove you're awake," he promised.
　　 He caught my face securely between his iron hands, ignoring my struggles when I tried to turn my headaway.
　　"Please don't," I whispered.
　　He stopped, his lips just half an inch from mine.
　　"Why not?" he demanded. His breath blew into my face, making my head whirl.
　　"When I wake up"—He opened his mouth to protest, so I revised—"okay, forget that one—when youleave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too."He pulled back an inch, to stare at my face.
　　"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so… hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need toknow why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, asI meant for you to? That would be… quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare myfeelings, please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you.
　　Can you?" he whispered.
　　"What kind of an idiotic question is that?""Just answer it. Please."I stared at him darkly for a long moment. "The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I loveyou—and there's nothing you can do about it!""That's all I needed to hear."His mouth was on mine then, and I couldn't fight him. Not because he was so many thousand timesstronger than me, but because my will crumbled into dust the second our lips met. This kiss was not quiteas careful as others I remembered, which suited me just fine. If I was going to rip myself up further, Imight as well get as much in trade as possible.
　　So I kissed him back, my heart pounding out a jagged, disjointed rhythm while my breathing turned topanting and my fingers moved greedily to his face. I could feel his marble body against every line of mine,and I was so glad he hadn't listened to me—there was no pain in the world that would have justifiedmissing this. His hands memorized my face, the same way mine were tracing his, and, in the brief secondswhen his lips were free, he whispered my name.
　　When I was starting to get dizzy, he pulled away, only to lay his ear against my heart.
　　I lay there, dazed, waiting for my gasping to slow and quiet.
　　"By the way," he said in a casual tone. "I'm not leaving you."I didn't say anything, and he seemed to hear skepticism in my silence.
　　He lifted his face to lock my gaze in his. "I'm not going anywhere. Not without you," he added moreseriously.
　　"I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. Icould see what I was doing to you—keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you awayfrom the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had todo something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what Iwanted… what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strongenough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay—thank heaven for that! It seems you can't besafe, no matter how many miles I put between us.""Don't promise me anything," I whispered. If I let myself hope, and it came to nothing… that would killme. Where all those merciless vampires had not been able to finish me off, hope would do the job.
　　Anger glinted metallic in his black eyes. "You think I'm lying to you now?""No—not lying." I shook my head, trying to think it through coherently. To examine the hypothesis thathe did love me, while staying objective, clinical, so I wouldn't fall into the trap of hoping. "You couldmean it… now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the firstplace? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"He flinched.
　　I thought back over those last days of my life before he left me, tried to see them through the filter ofwhat he was telling me now. From that perspective, imagining that he'd left me while loving me, left mefor me, his brooding and cold silences took on a different meaning. "It isn't as if you hadn't thought thefirst decision through, is it?" I guessed. "You'll end up doing what you think is right.""I'm not as strong as you give me credit for," he said. "Right and wrong have ceased to mean much tome; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to livethrough one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was onlya matter of time—and not much of it—before I showed up at your window and begged you to take meback. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."I grimaced. "Be serious, please.""Oh, I am," he insisted, glaring now. "Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let meattempt to explain what you mean to me?"He waited, studying my face as he spoke to make sure I was really listening.
　　"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of lightand reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; therewas brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon,everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see thestars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."I wanted to believe him. But this was my life without him that he was describing, not the other wayaround.
　　"Your eyes will adjust," I mumbled.
　　"That's just the problem—they can't.""What about your distractions?"He laughed without a trace of humor. "Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the… theagony. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart wasgone—like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you." "That's funny," I muttered.
　　He arched one perfect eyebrow. "Funny? ""I meant strange—I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able toreally breathe in so long." I filled my lungs, luxuriating in the sensation. "And my heart. That was definitelylost."He closed his eyes and laid his ear over my heart again. I let my cheek press against his hair, felt thetexture of it on my skin, smelled the delicious scent of him.
　　"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?" I asked, curious, and also needing to distract myself. I was verymuch in danger of hoping. I wouldn't be able to stop myself for long. My heart throbbed, singing in mychest.
　　"No." He sighed. "That was never a distraction. It was an obligation.""What does that mean?""It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get awaywith… Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false leaddown to Brazil—and really she came here." He groaned. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all thewhile, worse than my worst fears—""You were hunting Victoria?" I half-shrieked as soon as I could find my voice, shooting through twooctaves.
　　Charlie's distant snores stuttered, and then picked up a regular rhythm again.
　　"Not well," Edward answered, studying my outraged expression with a confused look. "But I'll do betterthis time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer.""That is… out of the question," I managed to choke out. Insanity. Even if he had Emmett or Jasper helphim. Even if he had Emmett and Jasper help. It was worse than my other imaginings: Jacob Blackstanding across a small space from Victoria's vicious and feline figure. I couldn't bear to picture Edwardthere, even though he was so much more durable than my half-human best friend.
　　"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after—"I interrupted him again, trying to sound calm. "Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?" Iasked, fighting the words as I said them, nor letting them plant themselves in my heart. "That isn't exactlycompatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"He frowned. A snarl began to build low in his chest. "I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria"—thesnarl became more pronounced—"is going to die. Soon.""Let's not be hasty," I said, trying to hide my panic. "Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probablyscared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems thanVictoria."Edward's eyes narrowed, but he nodded. "It's true. The werewolves are a problem."I snorted. "I wasn't talking about Jacob. My problems are a lot worse that a handful of adolescentwolves getting themselves into trouble." Edward looked as if he were about to say something, and then thought better of it. His teeth clickedtogether, and he spoke through them. "Really?" he asked. "Then what would be your greatest problem?
　　That would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?""How about the second greatest?" I hedged.
　　"All right," he agreed, suspicious.
　　I paused. I wasn't sure I could say the name. "There are others who are coming to look for me," Ireminded him in a subdued whisper.
　　He sighed, but the reaction was not as strong as I would have imagined after his response to Victoria.
　　"The Volturi are only the second greatest?""You don't seem that upset about it," I noted.
　　"Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than itdoes to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you werethirty before you crossed their minds again," he added lightly.
　　Horror washed through me.
　　Thirty.
　　So his promises meant nothing, in the end. If I were going to turn thirty someday, then he couldn't beplanning on staying long. The harsh pain of this knowledge made me realize that I'd already begun tohope, without giving myself permission to do 5.0.
　　"You don't have to be afraid," he said, anxious as he watched the tears dew up again on the rims of myeyes. "I won't let them hurt you.""While you're here." Not that I cared what happened to me when he left.
　　He took my face between his two stone hands, holding it tightly while his midnight eyes glared into minewith the gravitational force of a black hole. "I will never leave you again.""But you said thirty," I whispered. The tears leaked over the edge. "What? You're going to stay, but letme get all old anyway? Right."His eyes softened, while his mouth went hard. "That's exactly what I'm going to do. What choice have I?
　　I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul.""Is this really…" I tried to keep my voice even, but this question was too hard. I remembered his facewhen Aro had almost begged him to consider making me immortal. The sick look there. Was this fixationwith keeping me human really about my soul, or was it because he wasn't sure that he wanted me aroundthat long?
　　"Yes?" he asked, waiting for my question.
　　I asked a different one. Almost—but not quite—as hard.
　　"But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? Your grandmother?" My voicewas pale with revulsion—I could see Gran's face again in the dream mirror.
　　 His whole face was soft now. He brushed the tears from my cheek with his lips. "That doesn't meananything to me," he breathed against my skin. "You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world.
　　Of course…" He hesitated, flinching slightly. "If you outgrew me—if you wanted something more—Iwould understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me."His eyes were liquid onyx and utterly sincere. He spoke as if he'd put endless amounts of thought into thisasinine plan.
　　"You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?" I demanded.
　　He'd thought about this part, too. "I'll follow after as soon as I can.""That is seriously…"I looked for the right word. "Sick.""Bella, it's the only right way left—""Let's just back up for a minute," I said; feeling angry made it so much easier to be clear, decisive. "Youdo remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of metillI'm thirty"—I hissed the word—"do you really think they'll forget?""No," he answered slowly, shaking his head. "They won't forget. But…""But?"He grinned while I stared at him warily. Maybe I wasn't the only crazy one.
　　"I have a few plans.""And these plans," I said, my voice getting more acidic with each word. "These plans all center aroundme staying human."My attitude hardened his expression. "Naturally." His tone was brusque, his divine face arrogant.
　　We glowered at each other for a long minute.
　　Then I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, I pushed his arms away so that I could sit up.
　　"Do you want me to leave?" he asked, and it made my heart flutter to see that this idea hurt him, thoughhe tried not to show it.
　　"No," I told him. "I'm leaving."He watched me suspiciously as I climbed out of the bed and fumbled around in the dark room, lookingfor my shoes.
　　"May I ask where you are going.'" he asked.
　　"I'm going to your house," I told him, still feeling around blindly.
　　He got up and came to my side. "Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?""My truck.""That will probably wake Charlie," he offered as a deterrent.
　　I sighed. "I know. But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really getin?""None. He'll blame me, not you.""If you have a better idea, I'm all ears.""Stay here," he suggested, but his expression wasn't hopeful.
　　"No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home," I encouraged, surprised at how natural myteasing sounded, and headed for the door.
　　He was there before me, blocking my way.
　　I frowned, and turned for the window. It wasn't really that far to the ground, and it was mostly grassbeneath…"Okay," he sighed. "I'll give you a ride."I shrugged. "Either way. But you probably should be there, too.""And why is that?""Because you're extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views.""My views on which subject?" He asked through his teeth.
　　"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know." My own personaluniverse was, of course, a different story. "If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over somethingas stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say.""A say in what?" he asked, each word distinct.
　　"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."23  真相
我感觉我已经睡了很久了——我的身体都僵硬了。就好像我一直都没有动过一下。我的思想很恍惚，而且迟钝。奇怪的，混乱的梦——梦和无法摆脱的恐惧——在我脑里不停的旋转，让人头晕眼花。他们是如此生动，可怕的和神圣的，都混在了一切形成了怪诞的大杂烩。有锐利的急躁和恐惧。也有一部分令人沮丧的梦，在某个地方，你的双脚不能走的够快。。。 
而且有很多的怪物，在他们的上流社会中，红眼睛的恶魔全都更苍白恐怖。梦还很清晰—我几乎能记住那些名字。但是最强大，最清晰的部分不是恐惧。是最洁净的天使。 
很难让他离开并且醒来。这个梦不想被乱堆进我拒绝再临的梦的墓穴。我与它搏斗着当我的思想变得越来越警觉，聚焦真实。我想不起来今天是星期几。但是我确定雅各布或者学校或者工作或者其他的什么事在等着我。我深深地吸了口气，想着怎样面对新的一天。 
什么冰冷的东西轻柔地碰了碰我前额 
我的眼睛闭的更紧了，我还在做梦，并且感觉异常真实。我是如此接近醒来。。让你和现在一秒，都将逝去。 
但是我一直到它感觉太真实了，对我而言真实的太好了。我想象着的包裹着我的石质的手臂太真实了。如果我让思绪走的更远一些的话，我不久就会后悔的。随着一声顺从的叹气。我猛的睁开了眼睛来驱散这些幻觉。 
“哦！”我喘着气，将拳头丢向眼睛。 
好吧，显然我走的太远了。让我的幻想这么信马由缰的行走实在是个错误。好吧。“让”是个错误的词。我强迫他逃脱控制——悄悄的跟着我的幻觉很美妙——而现在，我的思绪已经被折断了。 
看起来我是在不到半秒前才意识到的，如果我现在真的疯了，我兴许也会享受着那些愉快的错觉。 
我再一次睁开了眼睛，爱德华还在那里，他完美的脸距离我的脸只有几英寸。 
“我吓到你了吗？“他低沉的声音很急切。这棒极了，就像幻觉那样。那张脸，那声音，那声音，那气味，所有的东西——比溺死要好多了。我幻觉中的美丽的人观察着我不断变化的表情，忧虑极了。他的虹膜时深黑的，还有一圈一圈的阴影在下面。这让我很惊讶，我幻想中的爱德华通常都是精神奕奕的。 
我眨了两下眼，拼命的想要想起来我确实真实的最后一样事。爱丽丝是我梦中的一部分，并且我想知道她到底有米有真的回来过，还是那只是序言。我想她在我快要溺死的那一天回来了。 
“哦，大便” 我发牢骚。我的嗓子睡得很粗。 
“怎么了，贝拉?” 
我皱着眉不开心的望着他。他的脸比之前更急切了。 
“我死了，对吗？”我抱怨道。“我溺死了，大便！这会杀了查理!” 
爱德华也皱眉了，“你没有死。” 
“那为什么我还没有醒来？” 我质问他，挑起了眉毛。 
“你醒了，贝拉” 
我摇了摇头。“当然，当然。那是你想让我想的事。当我确实醒了之后会更糟。如果我醒了，我当然不会，因为我死了。这是很难受的。可怜的查理,蕾妮和JAKE。。。”我为我所做的事情陷入了深深的恐惧中。 
“我知道你可能把我和噩梦搞混了”他短暂的微笑变得憨严厉。“但是我不能想象你能做了什么会落到地狱里。在我不在的时候你犯下了很多凶杀案吗？” 
我做了个鬼脸。“当然没有了。如果我在地狱，你就会不会和我在一起了。” 
他叹了一口气。 
我的头脑越来越清晰了。我的眼睛闪烁着离开了他的脸——极不情愿的——有那么一秒，面对黑暗，打开窗户，然后又回到了他那儿。我开始回忆细节。。然后我感觉到微弱的，不熟悉的，让人脸红的温暖了我颧骨的皮肤，这时我慢慢意识到爱德华是真实的，真的和我在这儿，而卧却像个傻瓜一样在浪费时间。 
“那所有的一切都真的发生了吗?”很难让人相信我的梦居然时真实的。我不能总结我脑里的那些概念。 
“那分情况了”爱德华的微笑还是很严厉。“如果你指的是我们在意大利几乎要被杀的事，那么是真的” 
他转了转眼睛。“或许你应该再睡一觉。你的头脑不是很清楚。” 
“我一点儿都不累。” 现在一切都清楚了。“现在几点了？我已经睡了多久？” 
“只是第三天的早上，所以，差不多14个小时。” 
当他说话的时候我展了展腰，我实在太僵硬了。 
“查理?”我问 
爱德华皱起了眉。“睡觉的呢。你应该或许知道我已经打破了规定。好吧，不是从技术层面上讲，因为他说我不准再踏进他的们，而我从窗户进来的。。。但是，目的很明显。” 
“查理不准你进房子？”我问，不相信很快转变称了愤怒。 
他的眼神很悲伤。“你还期待别的什么吗？” 
我的眼神充满怒火。我准备去和我爸爸谈谈——也许这是个好时候去提醒他我已经成年了。这米什么大不了，当然，除了在原则上。不管怎么说，都没有理由颁发什么禁令。我扭转我的想法，尽量少一些伤害。 
“故事是什么？”我问，由衷的好奇，但是也尽力的想保持听谈话的漫不经心，我牢牢的控制住自己，这样我就不会害怕他被我体内汹涌的纷乱的痛苦的欲望给吓走了。 
“你指什么?” 
“我该告诉查理什么呢？我失踪的理由时什么？不管怎么说，我走了多久？” 我试图计算出时间。 
“只有三天。”他的眼睛绷紧了，但是他这次笑的更自然了。“实际上，我希望你有一个好的解释。我什么都没有。” 
我抱怨道，“太好了~！” 
“恩，或许爱丽丝可以想出点儿什么。”他建议说，试图安慰我。 
现在我感觉很好。谁在乎我以后要面对什么呢？他在这里的每一秒——如此接近，他的完美的脸在从我的闹钟上的数字发出的昏暗光线下显得光辉而美好——这是如此珍贵而不能舍弃。 
“所以”我说道，选择最不重要的——尽管仍然极为有趣的问题去开始。我被安全的解救回家，而他可能在任何一个时刻选择离开。我不得不和他继续谈话。此外，这暂时的天堂没有了他的声音并不完整。“直到三天前，你究竟都在干什么？” 
他的脸在一瞬间变得小心翼翼。“不可怕，也不令人兴奋。” 
“当然不了”我嘟哝着。 
“你为什么做出那个样子？” 
“恩。。。”我皱起嘴唇，考虑着。“如果你是，终究只是一场梦，那确实是你会说的话。我的幻想一定被用完了。” 
他叹了口气，“如果我告诉了你，希望你最终会相信你不是做了一场噩梦？” 
“噩梦！”我轻蔑的重复着。他在等我的回答。“也许，”我考虑了几秒钟说道。“如果你告诉我。” 
“我。。。去捕猎了。” 
“那就是你能做的最好的事了吗？”我对他非难。“那确切的说并不证明我是醒着的。” 
他犹豫着，慢慢说道，用他关切的词语。“我不是在捕猎食物。。。我实际上是在试图跟踪。。。我并不是很擅长。” 
“你在跟踪什么呢？”我问道，这激起了我的兴趣。 
“没什么结果。”他的话并不搭配他的表情。他看起来很不安，很不舒服。 
“我不明白。” 
他犹豫着，他的脸，在闹钟的墨绿色光线的投影下，一闪一闪的。被撕扯开。 
“我——”他深呼吸了一口。“我欠你一个道歉。不，当然我欠你很多，比那更多。但是你必须知道”——话语开始流动的很快，在我记忆中有时当他很焦虑时会这么说话，我真正不得不集中精神去听他说话。“我不知道。我没有意识到我所留下的困境。我以为你在这里是安全的，这么安全。我不知道维多利亚”当他说道那个名字时，他的嘴唇卷起来了。“会回来。我承认，当我看到她那次时，我把过多的注意放到詹姆斯的想法上了。但是我只是没看到她会这样答复。她竟然和他有这样的联系。我想我意识到为什么现在——她如此确信他，他思想的失灵没有发生在她身上。 这是她过度自信的感觉笼罩了他——那使我看不到深处，那儿的联系。” 
“那不是我留你去面对那一切的理由。当我听到你告诉爱丽丝的——她自己所看见的——当我意识到你不得不将自己的生命交付给浪人，不成熟的，易变的，在那儿除了维多利亚之外的最坏的东西——他战栗着，喷涌而出的话语也停顿了几秒钟。”请你相信我不知道这一切。我感觉生病了一样，病入膏肓，哪怕是现在，可以看见你，可以感觉到你安全的在我的臂弯之中时。我是最可怜的借口——”
“停下来”我打断了他。他用极其痛苦的目光凝视着我，我想要找到哪句话——那句能够让他从让他如此痛苦的设想中的责任中解脱的话。这些很难说出口。我不知道我是否能消除它们而不破坏什么。但是我尽力正确的去做。我不想成为他生命中内疚和痛苦的根源。他应该高兴，不管我为之付出了什么。 
我确实希望能够延迟我们的最后一次谈话。它将把事情如此之快的带向结尾。 
我利用几个月的练习和努力想对查理表现的正常一些，我的嘴变得很流利。 
“爱德华”我说。他的名字灼烧着我的喉咙快要废了。我可以感觉到孔眼里的幽灵，正等着当他一消失就把它撕扯的更大。我完全不知道我这次要怎么去拯救它。“现在不得不停止了。你不能那样想事情。你不能让这。。。这罪恶感。。。左右的人生。你不能为我在这儿发生的事情负责。这不是你的错，这只是生活给我的一部分。因此，如果我被一辆公车撞到了或者下次发生了什么，你必须意识到承担指责并不是你的工作。你不能就这样跑去意大利仅仅因为你没有救我而感到伤心。即使我跳下悬崖死了，那也是我的选择，并不是你的错。我知道那是你。。。你的天性去承担所有事情的罪责，但是你实在不应该让它把你逼的这么过分！这是非常不负责任的——想象埃斯梅和卡莱尔和——我快要失去它了。我停下来深吸一口气，想要镇静下来。我必须解救他，我必须确定这不会再发生了。 
“ISABELLA MARIE SWAN”他耳语道，他的脸上掠过最奇怪的表情。他看起来几乎疯了。“你相信我请求VOLTURI 处死我因为我感到内疚吗？”
“感到内疚？强烈的是这样。比你能理解的要多。” 
“那么。。。你说什么？我不明白。”
“贝拉，我去VOLTURI那儿时因为我以为你死了。”他说，声音很柔和，眼神狂热。“即使我没有导致你的死亡”——他颤抖着当他说最后一个单词时——“即使那不是我的错，我也会去意大利。很显然，我应该更仔细，我应该直接和爱丽丝说话，比从罗莎莉那儿知道来的强。但是，事实上，当那个男孩说查理在葬礼上时我应该怎么想呢？几率是多少？”
“几率。。。”他喃喃自语，恍惚着。他的嗓音如此低沉，我不确定挺的对不对。“几率总是成堆的摆在我们面前，错误紧接着错误。我不会再责怪罗莎莉了。”
“但是我还是不明白”我说。“那是我的事。那有怎么样呢？”
“什么？”、 
“我死了又怎么样呢？” 
他怀疑的盯着我看了好长时间才回答。“你难道不记得我以前告诉过你的事情了吗？”
“我记得每一件你所告诉我的事情。“包括那些否定了其他的的话。” 
他刷着他冰冷的指尖对着我的下嘴唇。“贝拉，你看起来误解什么了。” 他闭上眼睛，来回摇着头，脸上挂着一半微笑。那不是高兴的笑容。“我以为我已经解释的很清楚了。贝拉，我不能生活在没有的世界。” 
“我。。。”我的头开始眩晕当我寻找合适的词时。“糊涂了。”是的，我无法理解他所说的。 
他的目光直射入我的眼睛，真挚而热切。“我是一个好的说谎者，贝拉，我必须是。” 
我像被冻结了，我的力量好像被抽空了一样。我胸口泛起错乱的波纹，它的痛苦带走了我的呼吸。 
他摇晃着我的肩膀，尽力放松我僵硬的姿势。“让我说完！我是个好的说谎者，但是仍然，对于你而言相信我太快了。”他退缩着。“那。。很痛苦。” 
我等着，仍然觉得被冻结了。 
“当我们在森林的时候，当我和你说再见时——” 
我不允许自己去想起。我尽力使自己只注意当前的这一秒。 
“你不准备让我走。”他耳语着。“我能看出来。我不想那么做，那么做像是杀了我一样，但我知道如果我不能使你信服我不再爱你了，那只会让你花费更长的时间去适应你的生活。我希望那样，如果你认为我走开了，那你也会。” 
“干净的分手”我没嘴低语着。 
“确实。但是我从未幻想过这很容易做到！我认为这几乎不可能——你会如此相信我对你说的数个小时的谎言，甚至把怀疑的种子种到了你的脑中。我说谎了，我是如此抱歉——因为我伤害了你，因为这是无价值的努力。我抱歉我不能保护你。我撒谎说我是在救你，但是这不起作用。我真的很抱歉。” 
“但是你怎么会相信我呢？在我说了上千遍的我爱你之后，你怎么会让一句话打破了你对我的信任呢？” 
我没有回答。我太震惊了，没法形成一个合理的答复。 
“我可以从你的眼里看到，你诚实地相信我不再想要你了。最荒谬的，最不可思议的事——就像我有什么办法能让我不需要你而活下去！” 
我仍然感觉像被冻结了。他的话这么不可思议，因为它们太不可能了。 
他再一次摇晃着我的肩膀，不很用力，但足以让我的牙齿来回碰撞。 
“贝拉”他叹息着，“你到底在想什么！” 
我哭了起来。眼泪像泉水般涌出来，滔滔不绝的流过我的面颊。
“我知道”我哭着说。“我知道我在做梦。” 
“这是不可能的”他说着，最终笑了起来——僵硬的笑，灰心丧气的。“我该怎么做你才能相信我？你不是在睡觉，你也没有死。而我很爱你。我一直都那么爱你，并将一直爱下去。我成天都在想着你，在我不在的日子里，我每一秒都在脑海中念着你。当我告诉你我不想要你时，那是最黑暗最可耻的亵渎。” 
眼泪不停的从眼角里渗出，我狠狠的摇了摇头。 
“你不相信我，是吗？”他耳语着，他的脸比平常更苍白了。——甚至时在昏暗的灯光下我都可以看见。“为什么你可以相信谎言，却不相信事实呢？” 
“对你而言，没有任何意义来爱我。”我解释道，我的声音破碎了两次。“我一直都知道”
他的眼睛紧缩着，下颚变紧了。 
“我会证明你是醒着的”他保证道。 
他把我的脸安全地捧在他像烙铁一样的手间，我想要扭过头去，他却完全无视我的挣扎。 
“请不要”我低声说。 
他停下了，他的嘴唇只离我的有半英寸。 
“为什么不？”他询问，他的呼吸喷在我脸上，我的头一阵眩晕。
“当我醒来时”——他张开嘴要抗议，因此我改口说“好吧，忘了吧——当你再次离开，没有这些我也已经够难熬了。” 
他向后退了一英寸，盯着我的脸。 
“昨天，当我想碰你的时候，你也是这样。。犹豫，这么小心，现在也一样我必须知道为什么。是因为我太迟了吗？因为你变心了。就像我对你而言一样？那将是。。。非常公平。我不会辩驳你的决定。所以别试着分享我的感情，请——告诉我你现在是否还能爱我，在经过了我对你做的这些事后，你能吗？”他耳语着。 
“这是多么愚蠢的问题啊？”
“回答它，求你。” 
我长时间的深深的凝望着他。“我对你的感情永远都不会变。我当然爱你——你做什么都阻止不了我！” 
“这就是我想要听的全部” 
他的嘴唇覆上了我的，而我不能抗拒他。并不是因为他比我强壮一千倍，而是因为当我们嘴唇相碰的那一刹那，我的意志就瓦解的烟消云散了。这个吻并不像我记忆里的吻那样小心翼翼，极好的配合我。如果我想把自己进一步撕裂的话，我也许同样会索取尽可能多来交易。 
因此我回吻他，我的心怦怦的猛跳出杂乱的节奏，我的呼吸变成了喘息，手指也贪婪的移到了他的脸上。我可以感觉到他大理石般的身体紧贴着我身体的每一条曲线，而我时如此开心他没有听到我——这个世界上没有痛苦可以大过错过这些。他的手记下了我脸的轮廓，我也以相同的方式追寻着他，在短短的几秒钟后，当他的嘴松开，就地狱着我的名字。 
当我感到眩晕时，他移动了。只把耳朵贴在我的心上。 
我躺在那儿，有点恍惚，等着我的喘息平静下来。 
“顺便说一句”他随意地说道，“我不会再离开你。” 
我什么也没说，他似乎在听我沉默中的怀疑态度。 
他抬起脸使得我只能望着他。“我哪儿也不去。没有你我那儿也不去。”他又严肃的加了一句。 
“我只把你放在首位因为我想你有机会过一种正常的，高兴的，人类的生活。我看见了我对你做了什么——持续不断的吧你推向危险的边缘，把你带出你所属于的世界，我和你在一起的每一秒都在威胁着你的生命。因此我只好试试。我不能不做些什么，而看起来，离开时唯一的方法。如果我不是认为你会过的更好，我永远都不会让自己离开的。我实在是太自私了。只有你比我所想要的更重要。。。我所需要的。我所需要的就是和你在一起。而且我明白我永远不会强大到能够再次离开。我有太多的理由要留下了——感谢上帝！无论我离你多远，你都不会安全的。” 
“不要向我保证任何事。”我低声说。如果我让自己有希望，那么我就会失望。。。。那会杀了我的。那些残忍的吸血鬼不会完结我的生命，但希望会。 
愤怒在他的眼里闪耀着金属般的光芒.“你是说我在骗你了？” 
“不——不是骗”我摇着头，试图连贯地想清楚。我要保持客观的，临床的检验他确实爱我的这个假设，这样我才不会掉进希望的圈套中。“你可以想。。。现在。但是明天会怎么样？当你考虑让你留在这儿的所有理由的首位时？或者下个月，当JASPER 咬我时？” 
他退缩了。 
我又回想起在他离开我之前的最后的那段日子，想要从他现在告诉我的话中过滤出那些时光。从那个视角看来，想象他爱着我却离开了我，为了我而离开我，他的沉思和冷漠都有了不一样的意义。“这不是好像你没有考虑过第一个决定的通过，是吗？”我猜道“你最终会做你所认为时正确的。” 
“我不像你所信任的那么强大”他说。“对与错对我来讲已经没什么意义了，不管怎样我回来了。在ROSALIE告诉我消息之前，我已经在想方设法的熬过每一个星期，甚至是每一天。我在斗争着去度过每一个独自一人的小时。这只是时间的问题——并且不会很久——在我来到你窗前并乞求你带我回来之前.我现在很高兴乞求，如果你喜欢那样。” 
我扮出苦相。“请严肃点儿” 
“哦，我会的。”他强调，现在怒视着我。“你会乐意听到我要告诉你的吗？你会让我解释你对我来说意味着什么吗？” 
他等着，研究着我的脸，以确定当他说话的时候我在听。 
“在你之前，贝拉，我的生活就像时没有月亮的深夜。非常黑暗，但是有星星——星星点点的光亮和理由。。。。然而，你划过我的天空就像是流星一样。突然一切都被点燃了，我拥有了灿烂，拥有了美丽。可当你消失之后，当流星落在了地平线上，一切都归于黑暗之中。没有什么被改变了，但是我的眼睛却被那光亮灼吓了。我再也看不见星星了。而世间的任何事情也再也没有理由。” 
我想要相信他。但是这是他所描述的我没有他的日子，不是相反的他的。 
“你的眼睛会适应的。”我嘟囔着。 
“这就是问题所在——他们适应不了。” 
“那你平常消遣吗？” 
、他大笑起来，没有一点儿幽默的痕迹。“只是谎言的一部分，亲爱的。没有消遣来自于。。痛苦。我的心已经跳动了快九十年了，但是这不一样。就好像我的心不见了，好像我是个空壳。就像我把心里的一切都留在这里陪着你。“ 
“那很有趣。”我轻声低语。 
他弓起了一边完美的眉毛，“有趣？” 
“我是说很奇怪——我以为这应该是我。我被分成了很多块，也不见了。我事实上不能真正的呼吸这么久。”我鼓起我的肺部，沉迷于这样的感觉中。“还有我的心。它的确是不见了。”
他闭上了眼睛把耳朵再一次贴在了我的心上。我的脸轻轻靠在他的头发上，感受着那贴在我肌肤上的感觉，闻着他身上芬芳的味道。 
“跟踪不是你的一项消遣吗？“我问道，好奇的，也想要让自己转移注意力。我沉浸在希望中太危险了。我无法长时间的阻止自己，我的心在跳动，在我的胸腔中歌唱。 
“不”他叹息道。“那绝不是消遣。那是责任。” 
“那是什么意思？” 
“意思是，尽管我不盼望由维多利亚所带来的危险，我也不准备让他逃脱。。。恩，就像我说的，这对我而言糟糕透了。我跟踪她直到德克萨斯州，但是我跟随错误的引导去了巴西——事实上她却到了这里。“他抱怨着。“我几乎不在正确的那个州！并且始终比我最大的恐惧还要坏——” 
“你在捕捉维多利亚?”我半尖叫着，当我发现我的声音居然跨越了两个八度。 
查理在远处的打鼾声停顿了，然后又以一个均称的节奏再次响起。 
“不是很好”爱德华回答说，研究着我脸上困惑和震惊的表情。“但是我这次会做的更好，她不会再以一进一出的呼吸来污染洁净的空气太长时间了。” 
“那是。。。。绝对做不到的” 我快要窒息了。太疯狂了。即使他有埃美特和贾斯帕帮忙。这比我其他的幻想要糟糕多了：雅各布站在离恶毒的像猫一样的维多利亚不远的整个小空间里。我不能忍受想象爱德华站在那里，即使他比我那个半人好朋友更持久。 
“对她来说已经太晚了。我可能会让其他的时间溜走，担不是现在，不是在经过——” 
我又一次打断了他，尽力让自己听起来很镇定。“你不是刚刚承诺过你不会离开吗？”我问他，当我说这些字母的时候努力赶走他们，而不是让他们在我心里生根发芽。“那和不断眼神的跟踪探险队是不匹配的，不是吗？” 
他皱起了眉。他的胸中响起了一阵低沉的怒吼。“我会遵守诺言的，贝拉。但是维多利亚”——怒吼更明显了——“必须要死，尽快。” 
“我们不要这么草率。”我说，极力掩饰我的惊慌。“也许她不会再回来了。JAKE的队伍可能把她吓走了呢。实在没有必要去寻找她了。另外，我已经遇到了比维多利亚更大的麻烦。” 
爱德华的眼睛缩紧了，但是他点了点头。“是这样。狼人是个麻烦。” 
我哼着鼻子说，“我说的不是雅各布。我的麻烦比那糟糕多了，是一小撮青春期狼人正在把他们自己陷入麻烦中。”
爱德华看起来似乎想要对此说些什么，但最后想了想作罢了。他的牙齿发出咔哒咔哒的声音，而他通过它们说出了话。“真的吗？”他问道，“那什么是你最大的麻烦呢？与之相比，维多利亚的归来对你而言会这么微不足道？” 
“第二大的怎么样？”我遮掩道。 
“好吧”他怀疑的同意了。 
我暂停了。我不确定我可以说那个名字。“还有别人在寻找我。”我抑制着声音提醒他。 
他叹了口气，但是在我看到他对维多利亚的反应之后，他的回响并不像我想的那么强烈。 
“维多利亚只是第二重要的？”
“你看起来并不是很担心嘛”我注意到。 
“好吧，我们有很长的时间去彻底的全面考虑。时间对于他们而言时非常不同的，相当于你，甚至是我来讲。他们数年就像你数日子。我丝毫不会觉得惊讶，如果你再一次遇到了他们，那时候你已经过了30了”他轻微的补充说。 
恐惧又一次淹没了我。 
三十岁。 
所以他的承诺一文不值。最终，如果我有一天三十岁了，那么他不可能计划呆在我身边更长久。了解这个所带来的严厉的痛楚让我意识到我还没有取得自己的允许就已经开始在希望了。 
“你用不着害怕。”他说，看到我的眼泪又一次从眼眶中奔涌而出，他看起来焦虑极了。“我不会让他们伤害你的。” 
“当你在这儿的时候。”不是我所在乎的当他离开之后所发生在我身上的事。 
他用石质一般的手臂捧起我的脸，紧紧地托住。他那午夜时分的眼睛散发着耀眼的强光直射我眼底，就像是受重力影响的黑洞一样吸引着我。“我永远不会再离开你了。” 
“你是你说了三十岁”我低语着。泪水又涌上眼眶。“什么？你是要留下，却看着我渐渐的变老? ”
“ 对。” 他的眼神变得柔和，但他的嘴却变得僵硬起来。“那就是我准备要做的事。我有选择吗？我不能失去你，但是我绝不会摧毁你的灵魂。” 
“这真实。。。”我努力克制自己的声音，但这个问题太残酷了。我还记得当阿罗几近恳求的要他考虑让我不死时，他的脸是怎样的。那是病人的脸色。究竟是保持我人类的身份真的会关系到我的灵魂，还是因为他根本不确定他愿意让我在他身边待上那么久？ 
“怎么了？”他问我，等着我的问题。 
我问了一个别的问题。几乎——不那么——一样残酷。 
“但是当我变得非尝老以至于人们觉得我是你的母亲该怎么办呢？你的祖母？”我的声音如此苍白并且发生的巨变。我又看见在梦境里奶奶的那张脸了。 
他整张脸现在都变得柔和了起来。他用嘴唇吻掉了我脸上的泪珠。“那对我来说没有任何意义”他呼出的气喷到我的皮肤上。“在我的世界里，你永远时最美好的事物。当然。。”他踌躇着，轻微的退缩着。“如果你看起来比我年长——如果你想要别的什么的话——我会理解的，BELLA。我保证如果你想要离开我，我不会阻挡你的。” 
他的眼睛像晶莹的玛瑙，十分地诚恳。他那么说着好像已经把最后的想法加进了他那该死的蠢主意里了。 
“你已经意识到了我最终会死亡的，对吗？”我询问道。 
他也已经想到了他的那部分。“我会一直跟随你，尽我所能。” 
“这是很严重的。。。”我在寻找恰当的词“病态” 
“贝拉，这是我们唯一剩下的路——”
“让我们都退一步，歇个一分钟吧”我说道，感觉愤怒让事情变得很容易清晰了，这是决定性的。“你记得VOLTURI，对吗？我不能作为人活一辈子，他们会杀了我的。即使他们到了我三十岁时还没有想起我——我发出嘶嘶声以表不满——“你真的认为他们会忘记吗？” 
“不”他缓慢的回答说，摇了摇头。“他们不会忘记的，但是。。” 
“但是？” 
我小心翼翼的看着他，他咧开嘴笑了。也许我不是唯一疯了的那一个。 
“我有一些计划” 
“并且这些计划”我说道，我每说一个字，声音都变得更酸。“这些计划全都围绕着我作为一个人类” 
我的态度使他的表情变得僵硬了。“当然”他的语气是那么唐突，那张神一样的面孔在此刻显得如此的狂妄自大。 
我们盯着彼此看了好几分钟。 
我深呼吸了一次，挺直我的双肩。我推开了他的手臂这样我可以坐起来。 
“你想要我走吗？”他问我，这让我紧张的发现我的做法伤害了他，尽管他努力在掩饰。 
“不”我告诉他，“我走” 
他怀疑的看着我爬下床并在黑暗的房间里摸索着找我的鞋。 
“我能问你你要去哪儿吗？” 
“我要去你家”我告诉他，仍然觉得四周黑糊糊的。 
他站起来走到了我身边。“这是你的鞋。你准备怎么去那儿呢？” 
“我的卡车”“那样可能会吵醒查理”他威慑性的提议。 
我叹了口气。“我知道，但是老实说，如果我那么做了我将会被监禁好几个星期的。我到底能惹上多少麻烦？” 
“不会的。他会职责我，而不是你。” 
“如果你有个好一点儿的主意，我会洗耳恭听的。” 
“呆在这儿”他建议我，但是他的表情不是那么希望的。 
“没门儿,但是你要大胆向前并使你自己呆在家里，”我鼓励道，惊讶的发现我戏弄的语气时多么自然，并且正向门走去。 
他比我先到那儿，堵住了我的道儿。 
我皱起了眉，随即象窗户走去。它离地面其实并不是那么高，而下方几乎全都覆盖着厚厚的草。。。 
“好吧”他叹了口气，“我会载你一程。” 
我耸了耸肩，“怎么都好，但是你可能也应该在那儿。”“为什么？” 
“因为你尤其固执己见，我确定你想找个机会陈述观点” 
“我哪方面的意见？”他垫着牙问我 
“反正和你无关，你知道，你并不是宇宙的中心。”我的小宇宙，当然，是一个不同寻常的故事。“如果你准备愚蠢的让我保持人类的身份而去打到VOLTURI的话，那么你的家人应该说些什么。” 
“说什么？”他问倒，每一个字都很清楚。 
“我的死亡概率。我准备弄一个投票。” 
Chapter 24 Vote
 HE WAS NOT PLEASED, THAT MUCH WAS EASY TO READ in his face. But, without furtherargument, he took me in his arms and sprang lithely from my window, landing without the slightest jolt,like a cat. It was a little bit farther down than I'd imagined.
　　"All right then," he said, his voice seething with disapproval. "Up you go."He helped me onto his back, and took off running. Even after all this time, it felt routine. Easy. Evidentlythis was something you never forgot, like riding a bicycle.
　　It was so very quiet and dark as he ran through the forest, his breathing slow and even—dark enoughthat the trees flying past us were nearly invisible, and only the rush of air in my face truly gave away ourspeed. The air was damp; it didn't burn my eyes the way the wind in the big plaza had, and that wascomforting. As was the night, too, after that terrifying brightness. Like the thick quilt I'd played under as achild, the dark felt familiar and protecting.
　　I remembered that running through the forest like this used to frighten me, that I used to have to close my eyes. It seemed a silly reaction to me now. I kept my eyes wide, my chin resting on his shoulder, mycheek against his neck. The speed was exhilarating. A hundred times better than the motorcycle.
　　I turned my face toward him and pressed my lips into the cold stone skin of his neck.
　　"Thank you," he said, as the vague, black shapes of trees raced past us. "Does that mean you've decidedyou're awake?"I laughed. The sound was easy, natural, effortless. It sounded right. "Not really. More that, either way,I'm not trying to wake up. Not tonight.""I'll earn your trust back somehow," he murmured, mostly to himself. "If it's my final act.""I trust you," I assured him. "It's me I don't trust.""Explain that, please."He'd slowed to a walk—I could only tell because the wind ceased—and I guessed that we weren't farfrom the house. In fact, I thought I could make out the sound of the river rushing somewhere close by inthe darkness.
　　"Well—" I struggled to find the right way to phrase it. "I don't trust myself to be… enough. To deserveyou. There's nothing about me that could hold you."He stopped and reached around to pull me from his back. His gentle hands did not release me; after he'dset me on my feet again, he wrapped his arms tightly around me, hugging me to his chest.
　　"Your hold is permanent and unbreakable," he whispered. "Never doubt that."But how could I not?
　　"You never did tell me…" he murmured.
　　"What?""What your greatest problem is.""I'll give you one guess." I sighed, and reached up to touch the tip of his nose with my index finger.
　　He nodded. "I'm worse than the Volturi," he said grimly. "I guess I've earned that."I rolled my eyes. "The worst the Volturi can do is kill me."He waited with tense eyes.
　　"You can leave me," I explained. "The Volturi, Victoria… they're nothing compared to that."Even in the darkness, I could see the anguish twist his face—it reminded me of his expression underJane's torturing gaze; I felt sick, and regretted speaking the truth.
　　"Don't," I whispered, touching his face. "Don't be sad."He pulled one corner of his mouth up halfheartedly, but the expression didn't touch his eyes. "If there wasonly some way to make you see that I can't leave you," he whispered. "Time, I suppose, will be the wayto convince you." I liked the idea of time. "Okay," I agreed.
　　His face was still tormented. I tried to distract him with inconsequentials.
　　"So—since you're staying. Can I have my stuff back?" I asked, making my tone as light as I couldmanage.
　　My attempt worked, to an extent: he laughed. But his eyes retained the misery. "Your things were nevergone," he told me. "I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupidand childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, thetickets—they're all under your floorboards.""Really?"He nodded, seeming slightly cheered by my obvious pleasure in this trivial fact. It wasn't enough to healthe pain in his face completely.
　　"I think," I said slowly, "I'm not sure, but I wonder… I think maybe I knew it the whole time.""What did you know?"I only wanted to take away the agony in his eyes, but as I spoke the words, they sounded truer than Iexpected they would.
　　"Some part of me, my subconscious maybe, never stopped believing that you still cared whether I livedor died. That's probably why I was hearing the voices."There was a very deep silence for a moment. "Voices?" he asked flatly.
　　"Well, just one voice. Yours. It's a long story." The wary look on his face made me wish that I hadn'tbrought that up. Would he think I was crazy, like everyone else? Was everyone else right about that? Butat least that expression—the one that made him look like something was burning him—faded.
　　"I've got time." His voice was unnaturally even.
　　"It's pretty pathetic."He waited.
　　I wasn't sure how to explain. "Do you remember what Alice said about extreme sports?"He spoke the words without inflection or emphasis. "You jumped off a cliff for fun.""Er, right. And before that, with the motorcycle—""Motorcycle?" he asked. I knew his voice well enough to hear something brewing behind the calm.
　　"I guess I didn't tell Alice about that part.""No.""Well, about that… See, I found that… when I was doing something dangerous or stupid… I couldremember you more clearly," I confessed, feeling completely mental. "I could remember how your voicesounded when you were angry. I could hear it, like you were standing right there next to me. Mostly Itried not to think about you, but this didn't hurt so much—it was like you were protecting me again. Like you didn't want me to be hurt.
　　"And, well, I wonder if the reason I could hear you so clearly was because, underneath it all. I alwaysknew that you hadn't stopped loving me."Again, as I spoke, the words brought with them a sense of conviction. Of rightness. Some deep placeinside me recognized truth.
　　His words came out half-strangled. "You… were… risking your life… to hear—""Shh," I interrupted him. "Hold on a second. I think I'm having an epiphany here."I thought of that night in Port Angeles when I'd had my first delusion. I'd come up with two options.
　　Insanity or wish fulfillment. I'd seen no third option.
　　But what if…What if you sincerely believed something was true, but you were dead wrong? What if you were sostubbornly sure that you were right, that you wouldn't even consider the truth? Would the truth besilenced, or would it try to break through?
　　Option three: Edward loved me. The bond forged between us was not one that could be broken byabsence, distance, or time. And no matter how much more special or beautiful or brilliant or perfect thanme he might be, he was as irreversibly altered as I was. As I would always belong to him, so would healways be mine.
　　Was that what I'd been trying to tell myself?
　　"Oh!""Bella?""Oh. Okay. I see.""Your epiphany?" he asked, his voice uneven and strained.
　　"You love me," I marveled. The sense of conviction and Tightness washed through me again.
　　Though his eyes were still anxious, the crooked smile I loved best flashed across his face. "Truly, I do."My heart inflated like it was going to crack right through my ribs. It filled my chest and blocked my throatso that I could not speak.
　　He really did want me the way I wanted him—forever. It was only fear for my soul, for the human thingshe didn't want to take from me, that made him so desperate to leave me mortal. Compared to the fearthat he didn't want me, this hurdle—my soul—seemed almost insignificant.
　　He took my face tightly between his cool hands and kissed me until I was so dizzy the forest wasspinning. Then he leaned his forehead against mine, and I was not the only one breathing harder thanusual.
　　"You were better at it than I was, you know," he told me.
　　"Better at what?" "Surviving. You, at least, made an effort. You got up in the morning, tried to be normal for Charlie,followed the pattern of your life. When I wasn't actively tracking, I was… totally useless. I couldn't bearound my family—I couldn't be around anyone. I'm embarrassed to admit that I more or less curled upinto a ball and let the misery have me." He grinned, sheepish. "It was much more pathetic than hearingvoices. And, of course, you know I do that, too."I was deeply relieved that he really seemed to understand—comforted that this all made sense to him. Atany rate, he wasn't looking at me like I was crazy. He was looking at me like… he loved me.
　　"I only heard one voice," I corrected him.
　　He laughed and then pulled me tight against his right side and started to lead me forward.
　　"I'm just humoring you with this." He motioned broadly with his hand toward the darkness in front of usas we walked. There was something pale and immense there—the house, I realized. "It doesn't matter inthe slightest what they say.""This affects them now, too."He shrugged indifferently.
　　He led me through the open front door into the dark house and flipped the lights on. The room was justas I'd remembered it—the piano and the white couches and the pale, massive staircase. No dust, nowhite sheets.
　　Edward called out the names with no more volume than I'd use in regular conversation. "Carlisle? Esme?
　　Rosalie? Emmett? Jasper? Alice?" They would hear.
　　Carlisle was suddenly standing beside me, as if he'd been there all along. "Welcome back, Bella." Hesmiled. "What can we do for you this morning? I imagine, due to the hour, that this is not a purely socialvisit?"I nodded. "I'd like to talk to everyone at once, if that's okay. About something important."I couldn't help glancing up at Edward's face as I spoke. His expression was critical, but resigned. When Ilooked back to Carlisle, he was looking at Edward, too.
　　"Of course," Carlisle said. "Why don't we talk in the other room?"Carlisle led the way through the bright living room, around the corner to the dining room, turning on lightsas he went. The walls were white, the ceilings high, like the living room. In the center of the room, underthe low-hanging chandelier, was a large, polished oval table surrounded by eight chairs. Carlisle held outa chair for me at the head.
　　I'd never seen the Cullens use the dining room table before—it was just a prop. They didn't eat in thehouse.
　　As soon as I turned to sit in the chair, I saw that we were not alone. Esme had followed Edward, andbehind her the rest of the family filed in.
　　Carlisle sat down on my right, and Edward on my left. Everyone else took their seats in silence. Alicewas grinning at me, already in on the plot. Emmett and Jasper looked curious, and Rosalie smiled at metentatively. My answering smile was just as timid. That was going to take some getting used to.
　　 Carlisle nodded toward me. "The floor is yours."I swallowed. Their gazing eyes made me nervous. Edward took my hand under the table. I peeked athim, but he was watching the others, his fate suddenly fierce.
　　"Well," I paused. "I'm hoping Alice has already told you everything that happened in Volterra?""Everything," Alice assured me.
　　I threw her a meaningful look. "And on the way?""That, too," she nodded.
　　"Good," I sighed with relief. "Then we're all on the same page."They waited patiently while I tried to order my thoughts.
　　"So, I have a problem," I began. "Alice promised the Volturi that I would become one of you. They'regoing to send someone to check, and I'm sure that's a bad thing—something to avoid.
　　"And so, now, this involves you all. I'm sorry about that." I looked at each one of their beautiful faces,saving the most beautiful for last. Edward's mouth was turned down into a grimace. "But, if you don'twant me, then I'm not going to force myself on you, whether Alice is willing or not."Esme opened her mouth to speak, but I held up one finger to stop her.
　　"Please, let me finish. You all know what I want. And I'm sure you know what Edward thinks, too. Ithink the only fair way to decide is for everyone to have a vote. If you decide you don't want me, then…I guess I'll go back to Italy alone. I can't have them coming here." My forehead creased as I consideredthat.
　　There was the faint rumble of a growl in Edward's chest. I ignored him.
　　"Taking into account, then, that I won't put any of you in danger either way, I want you to vote yes or noon the issue of me becoming a vampire."I half-smiled on the last word, and gestured toward Carlisle to begin.
　　"Just a minute," Edward interrupted.
　　I glared at him through narrowed eyes. He raised his eyebrows at me, squeezing my hand.
　　"I have something to add before we vote."I sighed.
　　"About the danger Bella's referring to," he continued. "I don't think we need to be overly anxious."His expression became more animated. He put his free hand on the shining table and leaned forward.
　　"You see," he explained, looking around the table while he spoke, "there was more than one reason whyI didn't want to shake Aro's hand there at the end. There's something they didn't think of, and I didn'twant to cine them in." He grinned.
　　"Which was?" Alice prodded. I was sure my expression was just as skeptical as hers.
　　 "The Volturi are overconfident, and with good reason. When they decide to find someone, it's not really aproblem. Do you remember Demetri?" He glanced down at me.
　　I shuddered. He took that as a yes.
　　"He finds people—that's his talent, why they keep him.
　　"Now, the whole time we were with any of them, I was picking their brains for anything that might saveus, getting as much information as possible. So I saw how Demetri's talent works. He's a tracker—atracker a thousand times more gifted than Jarres was. His ability is loosely related to what I do, or whatAro does. He catches the… flavor? I don't know how to describe it… the tenor… of someone's mind,and then he follows that. It works over immense distances.
　　"But after Aro's little experiments, well…" Edward shrugged.
　　"You think he won't be able to find me," I said flatly.
　　He was smug. "I'm sure of it. He relies totally on that other sense. When it doesn't work with you, they'llall be blind.""And how does that solve anything?""Quite obviously, Alice will be able to tell when they're planning a visit, and I'll hide you. They'll behelpless," he said with fierce enjoyment. "It will be like looking for a piece of straw in a haystack!"He and Emmett exchanged a glance and a smirk.
　　This made no sense. "But they can find you," I reminded him.
　　"And I can take care of myself."Emmett laughed, and reached across the table toward his brother, extending a fist.
　　"Excellent plan, my brother," he said with enthusiasm.
　　Edward stretched out his arm to smack Emmett's fist with his own.
　　"No," Rosalie hissed.
　　"Absolutely not," I agreed.
　　"Nice." Jasper's voice was appreciative.
　　"Idiots," Alice muttered.
　　Esme just glared at Edward.
　　I straightened up in my chair, focusing. This was my meeting.
　　"All right, then. Edward has offered an alternative for you to consider," I said coolly. "Let's vote."I looked toward Edward this time; it would be better to get his opinion out of the way. "Do you want meto join your family?"His eyes were hard and black as flint. "Not that way. You're staying human." I nodded once, keeping my face businesslike, and then moved on.
　　"Alice?""Yes.""Jasper?""Yes," he said, voice grave. I was a little surprised—I hadn't been at all sure of his vote—but Isuppressed my reaction and moved on.
　　"Rosalie?"She hesitated, biting down on her full, perfect bottom lip. "No."I kept my face blank and turned my head slightly to move on, but she held up both her hands, palmsforward.
　　"Let me explain," she pleaded. "I don't mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It's just that…this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone there to vote no forme."I nodded slowly, and then turned to Emmett.
　　"Hell, yes!" He grinned. "We can find some other way to pick a fight with this Demetri."I was still grimacing at that when I looked at Esme.
　　"Yes, of course, Bella. I already think of you as part of my family.""Thank you, Esme," I murmured as I turned toward Carlisle.
　　I was suddenly nervous, wishing I had asked for his vote first. I was sure that this was the vote thatmattered most, the vote that counted more than any majority.
　　Carlisle wasn't looking at me.
　　"Edward," he said.
　　"No," Edward growled. His jaw was strained tight, his lips curled back from his teeth.
　　"It's the only way that makes sense," Carlisle insisted. "You've chosen not to live without her, and thatdoesn't leave me a choice."Edward dropped my hand, shoving away from the table. He stalked out of the room, snarling under hisbreath.
　　"I guess you know my vote." Carlisle sighed.
　　I was still staring after Edward. "Thanks," I mumbled.
　　An earsplitting crash echoed from the other room.
　　I flinched, and spoke quickly. "That's all I needed. Thank you. For wanting to keep me. I feel exactly thesame way about all of you, too." My voice was jagged with emotion by the end.
　　 Esme was at my side in a flash, her cold arms around me.
　　"Dearest Bella," she breathed.
　　I hugged her back. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Rosalie looking down at the table, and Irealized that my words could be construed in two ways.
　　"Well, Alice," I said when Esme released me. "Where do you want to do this?"Alice stared at me, her eyes widening with terror.
　　"No! No! NO!" Edward roared, charging back into the room. He was in my face before I had time toblink, bending over me, his expression twisted in rage. "Are you insane?" he shouted. "Have you utterlylost your mind?"I cringed away, my hands over my ears.
　　"Um, Bella," Alice interjected in an anxious voice. "I don't think I'm ready for that. I'll need to prepare…""You promised," I reminded her, glaring under Edward's arm.
　　"I know, but… Seriously, Bella! I don't have any idea how to not killyou.""You can do it," I encouraged. "I trust you."Edward snarled in fury.
　　Alice shook her head quickly, looking panicked.
　　"Carlisle?" I turned to look at him.
　　Edward grabbed my face in his hand, forcing me to look at him. His other hand was out, palm towardCarlisle.
　　Carlisle ignored that. "I'm able to do it," he answered my question. I wished I could see his expression.
　　"You would be in no danger of me losing control.""Sounds good." I hoped he could understand; it was hard to talk clearly the way Edward held my jaw.
　　"Hold on," Edward said between his teeth. "It doesn't have to be now.""There's no reason for it not to be now," I said, the words coming out distorted.
　　"I can think of a few.""Of course you can," I said sourly. "Now let go of me."He freed my face, and folded his arms across his chest. "In about two hours, Charlie will be here lookingfor you. I wouldn't put it past him to involve the police.""All three of them." But I frowned.
　　This was always the hardest part. Charlie, Renee. Now Jacob, too. The people I would lose, the peopleI would hurt. I wished there was some way that I could be the only one to suffer, but I knew that wasimpossible.
　　 At the same time, I was hurting them more by staying human. Putting Charlie in constant danger throughmy proximity. Putting Jake in worse danger still by drawing his enemies across the land he felt bound toprotect. And Renee—I couldn't even risk a visit to see my own mother for fear of bringing my deadlyproblems along with me!
　　I was a danger magnet; I'd accepted that about myself.
　　Accepting this, I knew I needed to be able to take care of myself and protect the ones I loved, even ifthat meant that I couldn't be with them. I needed to be strong.
　　"In the interest of remaining inconspicuous," Edward said, still talking through his gritted teeth, butlooking at Carlisle now, "I suggest that we put this conversation off, at the very least until Bella finisheshigh school, and moves out of Charlie's house.""That's a reasonable request, Bella," Carlisle pointed out.
　　I thought about Charlie's reaction when he woke up this morning, if—after all that life had put him throughin the last week with Harry's loss, and then I had put him through with my unexplaineddisappearance—he were to find my bed empty. Charlie deserved better than that. It was just a little moretime; graduation wasn't so far away…I pursed my lips. "I'll consider it."Edward relaxed. His jaw unclenched.
　　"I should probably take you home," he said, more calm now, but clearly in a hurry to get me out of here.
　　"Just in case Charlie wakes up early."I looked at Carlisle. "After graduation?""You have my word."I took a deep breath, smiled, and turned back to Edward. "Okay. You can take me home."Edward rushed me out of the house before Carlisle could promise me anything else. He took me out theback, so I didn't get to see what was broken in the living room.
　　It was a quiet trip home. I was feeling triumphant, and a little smug. Scared stiff, too, of course, but I triednot to think about that part. It did me no good to worry about the pain—the physical or theemotional—so I wouldn't. Not until I absolutely had to.
　　When we got to my house, Edward didn't pause. He dashed up the wall and through my window in half asecond. Then he pulled my arms frcm around his neck and set me on the bed.
　　I thought I had a pretty good idea of what he was thinking, but his expression surprised me. Instead offurious, it was calculating. He paced silently back and forth across my dark room while I watched withgrowing suspicion.
　　"Whatever you're planning, it's not going to work," I told him.
　　"Shh. I'm thinking.""Ugh," I groaned, throwing myself back on the bed and pulling the quilt over my head.
　　There was no sound, but suddenly he was there. He flipped the cover back so he could see me. He was lying next to me. His hand reached up to brush my hair from my cheek.
　　"If you don't mind, I'd much rather you didn't hide your face. I've lived without it for as long as I canstand. Now… tell me something.""What?" I asked, unwilling.
　　"If you could have anything in the world, anything at all, what would it be?"I could feel the skepticism in my eyes. "You."He shook his head impatiently. "Something you don't already have."I wasn't sure where he was trying to lead me, so I thought carefully before I answered. I came up withsomething that was both true, and also probably impossible.
　　"I would want… Carlisle not to have to do it. I would want you to change me."I watched his reaction warily, expecting more of the fury I'd seen at his house. I was surprised that hisexpression didn't change. It was still calculating, thoughtful.
　　"What would you be willing to trade for that?"I couldn't believe my ears. I gawked at his composed face and blurted out the answer before I couldthink about it.
　　"Anything."He smiled faintly, and then pursed his lips. "Five years?"My face twisted into an expression somewhere between chagrin and horror.
　　"You said anything," he reminded me.
　　"Yes, but… you'll use the time to find a way out of it. I have to strike while the iron is hot. Besides, it'sjust too dangerous to be human—for me, at least. So, anything but that."He frowned. "Three years?""No!""Isn't it worth anyrhing to you at all? "I thought about how much I wanted this. Better to keep a poker face, I decided, and not let him knowhow very much that was. It would give me more leverage. "Six months?"He rolled his eyes. "Not good enough.""One year, then," I said. "That's my limit.""At least give me two.""No way. Nineteen I'll do. But I'm not going anywhere near twenty. If you're staying in your teensforever, then so am I."He thought for a minute. "All right. Forget time limits. If you want me to be the one—then you'll just have to meet one condition.""Condition?" My voice went flat. "What condition?"His eyes were cautious—he spoke slowly. "Marry me first."I stared at him, waiting… "Okay. What's the punch line?"He sighed. "You're wounding my ego, Bella. I just proposed to you, and you think it's a joke.""Edward, please be serious.""I am one hundred percent serious." He gazed at me with no hint of humor in his face.
　　"Oh, c'mon," I said, an edge of hysteria in my voice. "I'm only eighteen.""Well, I'm nearly a hundred and ten. It's time I settled down."I looked away, out the dark window, trying to control the panic before it gave me away.
　　"Look, marriage isn't exactly that high on my list of priorities, you know? It was sort of the kiss of deathfor Renee and Charlie.""Interesting choice of words.""You know what I mean."He inhaled deeply. "Please don't tell me that you're afraid of the commitment," his voice was disbelieving,and I understood what he meant.
　　"That's not it exactly," I hedged. "I'm… afraid of Renee. She has some really intense opinions on gettingmarried before you're thirty.""Because she'd rather you became one of the eternal damned than get married." He laughed darkly.
　　"You think you're joking.""Bella, if you compare the level of commitment between a marital union as opposed to bartering your soulin exchange for an eternity as a vampire…" He shook his head. "If you're not brave enough to marry me,then—""Well," I interrupted. "What if I did? What if I told you to take me to Vegas now? Would I be a vampirein three days?"He smiled, his teeth flashing in the dark. "Sure," he said, calling my bluff. "I'll get my car.""Dammit." I muttered. "I'll give you eighteen months.""No deal," he said, grinning. "I like this condition.""Fine. I'll have Carlisle do it when I graduate.""If that's what you really want." He shrugged, and his smile became absolutely angelic.
　　"You're impossible," I groaned. "A monster." He chuckled. "Is that why you won't marry me?"I groaned again.
　　He leaned toward me; his night-dark eyes melted and smoldered and shattered my concentration. "Please, Bella?" he breathed.
　　I forgot how to breathe for a moment. When I recovered, I shook my head quickly, trying to clear mysuddenly clouded mind.
　　"Would this have gone better if I d had time to get a ring.'""No! No rings!" I very nearly snouted.
　　"Now you've done it," he whispered.
　　"Oops.""Charlie's getting up; I'd better leave," Edward said with resignation.
　　My heart stopped beating.
　　He gauged my expression for a second. "Would it be childish of me to hide in your closet, then?""No," I whispered eagerly. "Stay. Please."Edward smiled and disappeared.
　　I seethed in the darkness as I waited for Charlie to check on me. Edward knew exactly what he wasdoing, and I was willing to bet that all the injured surprise was part of the ploy. Of course, I still had theCarlisle option, but now that I knew there was a chance that Edward would change me himself, I wantedit bad. He was such a cheater.
　　My door cracked open.
　　"Morning, Dad.""Oh, hey, Bella." He sounded embarrassed at getting caught. "I didn't know you were awake.""Yeah. I've just been waiting ior you to wake up so I could take a shower." I started to get up.
　　"Hold on," Charlie said, flipping the light on. I blinked in the sudden brightness, and carefully kept myeyes away from the closet. "Let's talk for a minute first."I couldn't control my grimace. I'd forgotten to ask Alice for a good excuse.
　　"You know you're in trouble.""Yeah, I know.""I just about went crazy these last three days. I come home from Harry's funeral, and you're gone.
　　Jacob could only tell me that you'd run off with Alice Cullen, and that he thought you were in trouble.
　　You didn't leave me a number, and you didn't call. I didn't know where you were or when—or if—youwere coming back. Do you have any idea how… how…" He couldn't finish the sentence. He sucked in asharp breath and moved on. "Can you give me one reason why I shouldn't ship you off to Jacksonvillethis second?" My eyes narrowed. So it was going to be threats, was it? Two could play at that game. I sat up, pullingthe quilt around me. "Because I won't go.""Now just one minute, young lady—""Look, Dad, I accept complete responsibility for my actions, and you have the right to ground me for aslong as you want. I will also do all the chores and laundry and dishes until you think I've learned mylesson. And I guess you're within your rights if you want to kick me out, too—but that won't make me togo to Florida."His face turned bright red. He took a few deep breaths before he answered.
　　"Would you like to explain where you've been?"Oh, crap. "There was… an emergency."He raised his eyebrows in expectation of my brilliant explanation.
　　I filled my cheeks with air and then blew it out noisily. "I don't know what to tell you, Dad. It was mostlya misunderstanding. He said, she said. It got out of hand."He waited with a distrustful expression.
　　"See, Alice told Rosalie about me jumping off the cliff…" I was scrambling frantically to make this work,to keep it as close to the truth as possible so that my inability to lie convincingly would not undermine theexcuse, but before I could go on, Charlie's expression reminded me that he didn't know arything aboutthecliff.
　　Major oops. As if I wasn't already toast.
　　"I guess I didn't tell you about that," I choked out. "It was nothing. Just messing around, swimming withJake. Anyway, Rosalie told Edward, and he was upset. She sort of accidentally made it sound like I wa?
　　trying to kill myself or something. He wouldn't answer his phone, so Alice dragged me to… L.A., toexplain in person." I shrugged, desperately hoping that he would not be so distracted by my slip that he'dmiss the brilliant explanation I'd provided.
　　Charlie's face was frozen. "Were you trying to kill yourself, Bella?""No, of course not. Just having fun with Jake. Cliff diving. The La Push kids do it all the time. Like I said,nothing."Charlie's face heated up—from frozen to hot with fury. "What's it to Edward Cullen anyway?" he barked.
　　"All this time, he's just left you dangling without a word—"I interrupted him. "Another misunderstanding."His face flushed again. "So is he back then?""I'm not sure what the exact plan is. I think they all are."He shook his head, the vein in his forehead pulsing. "I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don't trusthim. He's rotten for you. I won't let him mess you up like that again.""Fine," I said curtly.
　　 Charlie rocked back onto his heels. "Oh." He scrambled for a second, exhaling loudly in surprise. "Ithought you were going to be difficult.""I am." I stared straight into his eyes. "I meant, 'Fine, I'll move out.'"His eyes bulged; his face turned puce. My resolve wavered as I started to worry about his health. Hewas no younger than Harry…"Dad, I don't want to move out," I said in a softer tone. "I love you. I know you're worried, but you needto trust me on this. And you're going to have to ease up on Edward if you want me to stay. Do you wantme to live here or not?""That's not fair, Bella. You know I want you to stay.""Then be nice to Edward, because he's going to be where I am." I said it with confidence. The convictionof my epiphany was still strong.
　　"Not under my roof," Charlie stormed.
　　I sighed a heavy sigh. "Look, I'm not going to give you any more ultimatums tonight—or I guess it's thismorning. Just think about it for a few days, okay? But keep in mind that Edward and I are sort of apackage deal.""Bella—""Think it over," I insisted. "And while you're doing that, could you give me some privacy? I really need ashower."Charlie's face was a strange shade of purple, but he left, slamming the door behind him. I heard himstomp furiously down the stairs.
　　I threw off my quilt, and Edward was already there, sitting in the rocking chair as if he d been presentthrough the whole conversation.
　　"Sorry about that," I whispered.
　　"It's not as if I don't deserve far worse," he murmured. "Don't start anything with Charlie over me, please.
　　""Don't worry about it," I breathed as I gathered up my bathroom things and a set of clean clothes. "I willstart exactly as much as is necessary, and no more than that. Or are you trying to tell me I have nowhereto go?" I widened my eyes with false alarm.
　　"You'd move in with a house full of vampires?""That's probably the safest place for someone like me. Besides…" I grinned. "If Charlie kicks me out,then there's no need for a graduation deadline, is there?"His jaw tightened. "So eager for eternal damnation," he muttered.
　　"You know you don't really believe that.""Oh, don't I?" he fumed.
　　"No. You don't." He glowered at me and started to speak, but I cut him off.
　　"If you really believed that you'd lost your soul, then when I found you in Volterra, you would haverealized immediately what was happening, instead of thinking we were both dead together. But youdidn't—you said 'Amazing. Carlisle was right,'" I reminded him, triumphant. "There's hope in you, afterall."For once, Edward was speechless.
　　"So let's both just be hopeful, all right?" I suggested. "Not that it matters. If you stay, I don't needheaven."He got up slowly, and came to put his hands on either side of my face as he stared into my eyes.
　　"Forever," he vowed, still a little staggered.
　　"That's all I'm asking for," I said, and stretched up on my toes so that I could press my lips to his.
　　EPILOGUE TREATYALMOST EVERYTHING WAS BACK TO NORMAL—THE GOOD, pre-zombie normal—in lesstime than I would have believed possible. The hospital welcomed Carlisle back with eager arms, not evenbothering to conceal their delight that Esme had found life in L.A. so little to her liking. Thanks to theCalculus test I'd missed while abroad, Alice and Edward were in better to shape to graduate than I wasat the moment. Suddenly, college was a priority (college was still plan B, on the off chance that Edward'soffer swayed me from the post-graduation Carlisle option). Many deadlines had passed me by, butEdward had a new stack of applications for me to fill out every day. He'd already done the Harvardroute, so it didn't bother him that, thanks to my procrastination, we might both end up at PeninsulaCommunity College next year.
　　Charlie was not happy with me, or speaking to Edward. But at least Edward was allowed—during mydesignated visiting hours—inside the house again. I just wasn't allowed out of it.
　　School and work were the only exceptions, and the dreary, dull yellow walls of my classrooms hadbecome oddly inviting to me of late. That had a lot to do with the person who sat in the desk beside me.
　　Edward had resumed his schedule from the beginning of the year, which put him in most of my classesagain. My behavior had been such last fall, after the Cullens' supposed move to L.A., that the seat besideme had never been filled. Even Mike, always eager to take any advantage, had kept a safe distance.
　　With Edward back in place, it was almost as if the last eight months were just a disturbing nightmare.
　　Almost, but not quite. There was the house arrest situation, for one thing. And for another, before the fall,I hadn't been best friends with Jacob Black. So, of course, I hadn't missed him then.
　　I wasn't at liberty to go to La Push, and Jacob wasn't coming to see me. He wouldn't even answer myphone calls.
　　I made these calls mostly at night, after Edward had been kicked out—promptly at nine by a grimlygleeful Charlie—and before Edward snuck back through my window when Charlie was asleep. I chosethat time to make my fruitless calls because I'd noticed that Edward made a certain face every time Imentioned Jacob's name. Sort of disapproving and wary… maybe even angry. I guessed that he had some reciprocal prejudice against the werewolves, though he wasn't as vocal as Jacob had been aboutthe "bloodsuckers."So, I didn't mention Jacob much.
　　With Edward near me, it was hard to think about unhappy things—even my former besi fnend, who wasprobably very unhappy right now, due to me. When I did think of Jake, I always felt guilty for notthinking of him more.
　　The fairy tale was back on. Prince returned, bad spell broken. I wasn't sure exactly what to do about theleftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after?
　　Weeks passed, and Jacob still wouldn't answer my calls. It started to become a constant worry. Like adripping faucet in the back of my head that I couldn't shut off or ignore. Drip, drip, drip. Jacob, Jacob,Jacob.
　　So, though I didn't mention Jacob much, sometimes my frustration and anxiety boiled over.
　　"It's just plain rude!" I vented one Saturday afternoon when Edward picked me up from work. Beingangry about things was easier than feeling guilty. "Downright insulting!"I'd varied my pattern, in hopes of a different response. I'd called Jake from work this time, only to get anunhelpfulBilly.Again.
　　"Billy said he didn't want to talk to me," I fumed, glaring at the rain oozing down the passenger window.
　　"That he was there, and wouldn't walk three steps to get to the phone! Usually Billy just says he's out orbusy or sleeping or something. I mean, it's not like I didn't know he was lying to me, but at least it was apolite way to handle it. I guess Billy hates me now, too. It's not fair!""It's not you, Bella," Edward said quietly. "Nobody hates you.""Feels that way," I muttered, folding my arms across my chest. It was no more than a stubborn gesture.
　　There was no hole there now—I could barely remember the empty feeling anymore.
　　"Jacob knows we're back, and I'm sure that he's ascertained that I'm with you," Edward said. "He won'tcome anywhere near me. The enmity is rooted too deeply.""That's stupid. He knows you're not… like other vampires.""There's still good reason to keep a safe distance."I glared blindly out the windshield, seeing only Jacob's face, set in the bitter mask I hated.
　　"Bella, we are what we are," Edward said quietly. "I can control myself, but I doubt he can. He's veryyoung. It would most likely turn into a fight, and I don't know if I could stop it before I k—" he broke off,and then quickly continued. "Before I hurt him. You would be unhappy. I don't want that to happen."I remembered what Jacob had said in the kitchen, hearing the words with perfect recall in his huskyvoice. I'm not sure that I'm even-tempered enough to handle that… You probably wouldn't like itso much if I killed your friend. But he'd been able to handle it, that time…"Edward Cullen," I whispered. "Were you about to say 'killed him? Were you?"He looked away from me, staring into the rain. In front of us, the red light I hadn't noticed turned green and he started forward again, driving very slowly. Not his usual way of driving.
　　"I would try… very hard… not to do that," Edward finally said.
　　I stared at him with my mouth hanging open, but he continued to look straight ahead. We were paused atthe corner stop sign.
　　Abruptly, I remembered what had happened to Paris when Romeo came back. The stage directionswere simple: They fight. Paris falls.
　　But that was ridiculous. Impossible.
　　"Well," I said, and took a deep breath, shaking my head to dispel the words in my head. "Nothing likethat is ever going to happen, so there's no reason to worry about it. And you know Charlie's staring atthe clock right now. You'd better get me home before I get in more trouble for being late."I turned my face up toward him, to smile halfheartedly.
　　Every time I looked at his face, that impossibly perfect face, my heart pounded strong and healthy andvery there in my chest. This time, the pounding raced ahead of its usual besotted pace. I recognized theexpression on his statue-still face.
　　"You're already in more trouble, Bella," he whispered through unmoving lips.
　　I slid closer, clutching his arm as I followed his gaze to see what he was seeing. I don't know what Iexpected—maybe Victoria standing in the middle of the street, her flaming red hair blowing in the wind,or a line of tall black cloaks… or a pack of angry werewolves. But I didn't see anything at all.
　　"What? What is it?"He took a deep breath. "Charlie…""My dad?" I screeched.
　　He looked down at me then, and his expression was calm enough to ease some of my panic.
　　"Charlie… is probably not going to kill you, but he's thinking about it," he told me. He started to driveforward again, down my street, but he passed the house and parked by the edge of the trees.
　　"What did I do?" I gasped.
　　Edward glanced back at Charlie's house. I followed his gaze, and noticed for the first time what wasparked in the driveway next to the cruiser. Shiny, bright red, impossible to miss. My motorcycle, flauntingitself in the driveway.
　　Edward had said that Charlie was ready to kill me, so he must know that—that it was mine. There wasonly one person who could be behind this treachery.
　　"No!" I gasped. "Why? Why would Jacob do this to me?" The sting of betrayal washed through me. Ihad trusted Jacob implicitly—trusted him with every single secret I had. He was supposed to be my safeharbor—the person I could always rely on. Of course things were strained right now, but I didn't thinkany of the underlying foundation had changed. I didn't think that was changeable!
　　What had I done to deserve this? Charlie was going to be so mad—and worse than that, he was going tobe hurt and worried. Didn't he have enough to deal with already? I would have never imagined that Jake could be so petty and just plain mean. Tears sprang, smarting, into my eyes, but they were not tears ofsadness. I had been betrayed. I was suddenly so angry that my head throbbed like it was going toexplode.
　　"Is he still here?" I hissed.
　　"Yes. He's waiting for us there." Edward told me, nodding toward the slender path that divided the darkfringe of the forest in two.
　　I jumped out of the car, launching myself toward the trees with my hands already balled into fists for thefirst punch.
　　Why did Edward have to be so much faster than me?
　　He caught me around the waist before I made the path.
　　"Let me go! I'm going to murder him! Traitor!" I shouted the epithet toward the trees.
　　"Charlie will hear you," Edward warned me. "And once he gets you inside, he may brick over thedoorway."I glanced back at the house instinctively, and it seemed like the glossy red bike was all I could see. I wasseeing red. My head throbbed again.
　　"Just give me one round with Jacob, and then I'll deal with Charlie." I struggled futilely to break free.
　　"Jacob Black wants to see me. That's why he's still here."That stopped me cold—took the fight right out of me. My hands went limp. They fight; Paris falls.
　　I was furious, but not that furious.
　　"Talk?" I asked.
　　"More or less.""How much more?" My voice shook.
　　Edward smoothed my hair back from my face. "Don't worry, he's not here to fight me. He's acting as…spokesperson for the pack.""Oh."Edward looked at the house again, then tightened his arm around my waist and pulled me toward thewoods. "We should hurry. Charlie's getting impatient."We didn't have to go far; Jacob waited just a short ways up the path. He lounged against a mossy treetrunk as he waited, his face hard and bitter, exactly the way I knew it would be. He looked at me, andthen at Edward. Jacob's mouth stretched into a humorless sneer, and he shrugged away from the tree. Hestood on the balls of his bare feet, leaning slightly forward, with his trembling hands clenched into fists. Helooked bigger than the last time I'd seen him. Somehow, impossibly, he was still growing. He wouldtower over Edward, if they stood next to each other.
　　But Edward stopped as soon as we saw him, leaving a wide space between us and Jacob. Edwardturned his body, shifting me so that I was behind him. I leaned around him to stare at Jacob—to accuse him with my eyes.
　　I would have thought that seeing his resentful, cynical expression would only make me angrier. Instead, itreminded me of the last time I'd seen him, with tears in his eyes. My fury weakened, faltered, as I staredat Jacob. It had been so long since I'd seen him—I hated that our reunion had to be like this.
　　"Bella," Jacob said as a greeting, nodding once toward me without looking away from Edward.
　　"Why?" I whispered, trying to hide the sound of the lump in my throat. "How could you do this to me,Jacob?"The sneer vanished, but his face stayed hard and rigid. "It's for the best.""What is that supposed to mean? Do you want Charlie to strangle me? Or did you want him to have aheart attack, like Harry? No matter how mad you are at me, how could you do this to him?"Jacob winced, and his eyebrows pulled together, but he didn't answer.
　　"He didn't want to hurt anyone—he just wanted to get you grounded, so that you wouldn't be allowed tospend time with me," Edward murmured, explaining the thoughts Jacob wouldn't say.
　　Jacob's eyes sparked with hate as he glowered at Edward again.
　　"Aw, Jake!" I groaned. "I'm already grounded! Why do you think I haven't been down to La Push tokick your butt for avoiding my phone calls?"Jacob's eyes flashed back to me, confused for the first time. "That's why?" he asked, and then locked hisjaw, like he was sorry he'd said anything.
　　"He thought I wouldn't let you, not Charlie," Edward explained again.
　　"Stop that," Jacob snapped.
　　Edward didn't answer.
　　Jacob shuddered once, and then gritted his teeth as hard as his fists. "Bella wasn't exaggerating aboutyour… abilities," he said through his teeth. "So you must already know why I'm here.""Yes," Edward agreed in a soft voice. "But, before you begin, I need to say something."Jacob waited, clenching and unclenching his hands as he tried to control the shivers rolling down his arms.
　　"Thank you," Edward said, and his voice throbbed with the depth of his sincerity. "I will never be able totell you how grateful I am. I will owe you for the rest of my… existence."Jacob stared at him blankly, his shudders stilled by surprise. He exchanged a quick glance with me, butmy face was just as mystified.
　　"For keeping Bella alive," Edward clarified, his voice rough and fervent. "When I… didn't.""Edward—," I started to say, but he held one hand up, his eyes on Jacob.
　　Understanding washed over Jacob's face before the hard mask returned. "I didn't do it for your benefit.""I know. But that doesn't erase the gratitude I feel. I thought you should know. If there's ever anything inmy power to do for you…" Jacob raised one black brow.
　　Edward shook his head. "That's not in my power.""Whose, then?" Jacob growled.
　　Edward looked down at me. "Hers. I'm a quick learner, Jacob Black, and I don't make the same mistaketwice. I'm here until she orders me away."I was immersed momentarily in his golden gaze. It wasn't hard to understand what I'd missed in theconversation. The only thing that Jacob would want from Edward would be his absence.
　　"Never," I whispered, still locked in Edward's eyes.
　　Jacob made a gagging sound.
　　I unwillingly broke free from Edward's gaze to frown at Jacob. "Was there something else you needed,Jacob? You wanted me in trouble—mission Accomplished. Charlie might just send me to military school.
　　But that won't keep me away from Edward. There's nothing that can do that. What more do you want?"Jacob kept his eyes on Edward "I just needed to remind your bloodsucking friends of a few key points inthe treaty they agreed to. The treaty chat is the only thing stopping me from ripping his throat out right thisminute.""We haven't forgotten," Edward said at the same time that I demanded, "What key points?"Jacob still glowered at Edward, but he answered me. "The treaty is quite specific. If any of them bite ahuman, the truce is over. Bite, not kill," he emphasized. Finally, he looked at me. His eyes were cold.
　　It only took me a second to grasp the distinction, and then my face was as cold as his.
　　"That's none of your business.""The hell it—" was all he managed to choke out.
　　I didn't expect my hasty words to bring on such a strong response. Despite the warning he'd come togive, he must not have known. He must have thought the warning was just a precaution. He hadn'trealized—or didn't want to believe—that I had already made my choice. That I was really intending tobecome a member of the Cullen family.
　　My answer sent Jacob into near convulsions. He pressed his fists hard against his temples, closing hiseyes tight and curling in on himself as he tried to control the spasms. His face turned sallow green underthe russet skin.
　　"Jake? You okay?" I asked anxiously.
　　I took a half-step toward him, then Edward caught me and yanked me back behind his own body.
　　"Careful! He's not under control," he warned me.
　　But Jacob was already somewhat himself again; only his arms were shaking now. He scowled at Edwardwith pure hate. "Ugh. I would never hurt her."Neither Edward or I missed the inflection, or the accusation it contained. A low hiss escaped Edward'slips. Jacob clenched his fists reflexively.
　　 "BELLA!" Charlie's roar echoed from the direction of the house. "YOU GET IN THIS HOUSE THISINSTANT!"All of us froze, listening to the silence that followed.
　　I was the first to speak; my voice trembled. "Crap."Jacob's furious expression faltered. "I am sorry about that," he muttered. "I had to do what I could—Ihad to try…""Thanks." The tremor in my voice ruined the sarcasm. I stared up the path, half-expecting Charlie tocome barreling through the wet ferns like an enraged bull. I would be the red flag in that scenario.
　　"Just one more thing," Edward said to me, and then he looked at Jacob. "We've found no trace ofVictoria on our side of the line—have you?"He knew the answer as soon as Jacob thought it, but Jacob spoke the answer anyway. "Trie last timewas while Bella was… away. We let her think she was slipping through—we were tightening the circle,getting ready to ambush her—"Ice shot down my spine.
　　"But then she took off like a bat out of hell. Near as we can tell, she caught your little female's scent andbailed. She hasn't come near our lands since."Edward nodded. "When she comes back, she's not your problem anymore. We'll—""She killed on our turf," Jacob hissed. "She's ours!""No—," I began to protest both declarations.
　　"BELLA! I SEE HIS CAR AND I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE! IF YOU AREN'T INSIDE THISHOUSE IN ONE MINUTE… !" Charlie didn't bother to finish his threat.
　　"Let's go," Edward said.
　　I looked back at Jacob, torn. Would I see him again?
　　"Sorry," he whispered so low that I had to read his lips to understand. '"Bye, Bells.""You promised," I reminded him desperately. "Still friends, right?"Jacob shook his head slowly, and the lump in my throat nearly strangled me.
　　"You know how hard I've tried to keep that promise, but… I can't see how to keep trying. Not now…"He struggled to keep his hard mask in place, but it wavered, and then disappeared. "Miss you," hemouthed. One of his hands reached toward me, his fingers outstretched, like he wished they were longenough to cross the distance between us.
　　"Me, too," I choked out. My hand reached toward his across the wide space.
　　Like we were connected, the echo of his pain twisted inside me. His pain, my pain.
　　"Jake…" I took a step toward him. I wanted to wrap my arms around his waist and erase the expressionof misery on his face.
　　 Edward pulled me back again, his arms restraining instead of defending.
　　"It's okay," I promised him, looking up to read his face with trust in my eyes. He would understand.
　　His eyes were unreadable, his face expressionless. Cold. "No, it's not.""Let her go," Jacob snarled, furious again. "She wants to!" He took two long strides forward. A glint ofanticipation flashed in his eyes. His chest seemed to swell as it shuddered.
　　Edward pushed me behind himself, wheeling to face Jacob.
　　"No! Edward—!""ISABELLA SWAN!""Come on! Charlie's mad!" My voice was panicked, but not because of Charlie now. "Hurry!"I tugged on him and he relaxed a little. He pulled me back slowly, always keeping his eyes on Jacob aswe retreated.
　　Jacob watched us with a dark scowl on his bitter face. The anticipation drained from his eyes, and then,just before the forest came between us, his face suddenly crumpled in pain.
　　I knew that last glimpse of his face would haunt me until I saw him smile again.
　　And right there I vowed that I would see him smile, and soon. I would find a way to keep my friend.
　　Edward kept his arm tight around my waist, holding me close. That was the only thing that held the tearsinside my eyes.
　　I had some serious problems.
　　My best friend counted me with his enemies.
　　Victoria was still on the loose, putting everyone I loved in danger.
　　If I didn't become a vampire soon, the Volturi would kill me.
　　And now it seemed that if I did, the Quileute werewolves would try to do the job themselves—alongwith trying to kill my future family. I didn't think they had any chance really, but would my best friend gethimself killed in the attempt?
　　Very serious problems. So why did they all suddenly seem insignificant when we broke through the lastof the trees and I caught sight of the expression on Charlie's purple face?
　　Edward squeezed me gently. "I'm here."I drew in a deep breath.
　　That was true. Edward was here, with his arms around me.
　　I could face anything as long as that was true.
　　I squared my shoulders and walked forward to meet my fate, with my destiny solidly at my side.24  投票
 
他并不高兴，这在他脸上很容易就能读出来。但，没有再争吵下去，他把我拥在怀里，轻柔的从窗户跳了下去，几乎没有什么震动，就像猫一样。这比我想象中的要进展的更快一点。 
“好了”他满是不愿意的说，“走吧” 
他把我背上背，飞快地跑着离开了。即使是分开了这么久，这一切仍然很习以为常，很轻松。显然这是一些你永远不会忘记的事，就像骑自行车一样。 
他背着我穿越森林，呼吸很慢，四周宁静而漆黑，甚至连那些飞驰过我们的树木都看不见。只有气流迎面扑来，展示了我们的速度。空气很潮湿，它不像大广场上呼啸而过的风一样刺痛我的眼睛，而是给我一种很舒适的感觉。正如夜晚，同样，在那令人胆怯的黑暗背后，就犹如一张薄被覆盖在调皮玩耍的孩童身上，夜色让人觉得亲近，安全。 
我想起像这样在森林中疾驰曾经让我害怕，我总是会闭上眼睛。现在看来，这像是愚蠢的反应。我把眼睛睁得大大的，下巴磕在他的肩上，我的双颊紧贴着他的后背。这样的速度让人兴奋，比摩托车要好上一百倍。 
我转过脸朝着他，嘴唇触碰到了他背上冰冷的，大理石一般的肌肤。 
“谢谢你”他含糊不清地说道，黑色的巨大树影掠过我们。“那是不是意味着你决定你实行者的呢？” 
我大笑起来，轻松自然，毫不费力的。听起来是这样。“不完全是。更多的是，不管怎样，我不想醒来。不是今晚。” 
“我总会赢回你的信任的”他嘟囔着，很有可能是自言自语。“如果这是我最终的表示。” 
“我信任你”我想他保证。“我不信任的是自己”。 
“请解释一下那个” 
他走的慢一点儿了——我只能从风停止了来辨认这一点——我猜我们离家不远了。事实上，我可以辨认出河流正在黑暗中冲击附近的某处的声音。 
“恩——”我努力寻找恰当的方式来表述。“我不信任我自己。。。不够。去配得上你。我没有任何把握可以抓住你。” 
他停下来把我从背上放了下来。温柔的手并没有放开我，在我站直之后，他用手臂轻柔的包裹着我，将我拥向他的胸。 
“你对我的掌握是永久的，是牢不可破的”他耳语着。“永远不要怀疑这个” 
但我怎么不怀疑呢？ 
“你从来没有告诉我。。”他嘟囔着。 
“什么？” 
“你最大的麻烦是什么” 
“我会让你猜一猜的”我叹着气，抬起食指碰了碰他的鼻尖。 
他点了点头。“我比沃尔图里家族更差劲“他严厉的说“我猜我已经得到那项褒奖了” 
我转了转眼珠。“沃尔图里家族所能做的最坏的事就是杀了我。” 
他耐心等着，眼神紧张。 
“你可以离开我”我解释说，“沃尔图里家族，维多利亚。。。他们与之相比都不值一提。” 
即使在黑暗中，我都可以看到痛苦缠绕着他的脸庞——这让我想起了他在简的折磨下那样的表情，我觉得很难受，并且后悔说了实话。 
“不要”我低声说，摸着他的脸。“不要这么悲伤” 
他勉强的提起了嘴唇的一角，但是表情没有影响他的眼神。“如果非要有什么方法来让你相信我不会离开你，”他附在我耳旁，“那就是时间，我想，是唯一能说服的方法。” 
我喜欢时间的提议。“好的”我同意了。 
他的脸还是很让人心痛。我尝试用一些微不足道的事来分散他的注意力。 
“那么——既然你要留下，我可以把我的东西拿回来吗？”我问他，语气尽可能的轻快。 
我的努力见效了，达到了一个程度：他笑了起来。可他的眼睛里还保留着痛苦。“你的东西我从来都没有拿走”他告诉我。“我知道这是不对的，既然我保证你的宁静就该拿掉那些纪念品。这看起来很愚蠢并且孩子气，但我想要留下自己的一些东西陪伴着你。CD，照片，票——都躺在你的地板下。” 
“真的吗？” 
他点了点头，似乎对我发现这个琐碎的事实所表现出来的明显的开心感到有一点点高兴。这还不足以完全治愈他脸上的痛苦。 
“我想”我慢慢说道“我不确定。但是我想。。。我想也许我一直都知道。” 
“你知道什么？” 
我只想带走他眼中的痛苦，但是当我说这些话时，它们听起来比我想象中更加真实。 
“我的一些部分，我的潜意识或许，从未停止相信，你一直在关心着我，无论我生或是死。这或许就是我为什么一直听见那些声音的原因。” 
随即是很长一段时间的沉默。
“声音？”他平淡的问我 
“恩，只有一个声音，你的。这是一个很长的故事。”他脸上谨慎的表情让我希望那不是我引起的。他会觉得我疯了吗，就像别人那样？每个人都对此很确信吗？但至少那个表情——让他看起来像是被什么烧着了一样的表情——终于退去了。 
“我有时间”他听起来那么不自然。 
“那实在是很感伤” 
他等着。 
我不知道该怎么解释。“你记得爱丽丝所说的极限运动吗？” 
他说话没有音调变化，也没有重音。“你跳崖寻开心” 
“恩，是的，在那之前，还有摩托车——” 
“摩托车？”他问道。我太了解他的声音了，听得出那镇定之后的急躁。 
“我想我没有告诉爱丽丝那部分。” 
“你没有” 
“恩，关于那个。。。恩，我发现。。当我在做一些危险或者愚蠢的事情时。。。我可以更清晰的想起你。”我坦白了，“我可以响起你生气时候的声音。我可以听到它，就像你站在我身边一样。大多数时候我试图不要想你，但是着没有什么用——就像你又一次在保护我。就像你不想我受伤害。 
“而且，恩，我想知道我能如此清晰的听到你的原因是不是就隐藏在这一切下面，我一直都知道你没有停止爱我。” 
再一次，当我说话时，这些字带来了一种新年，对公正的新年。在我心里的某个深处，我认清了真相。 
他像是被勒着一样，话说的断断续续。
“你。。。拿。。你的生命冒险。。去听——” 
“嘘”我打断了他。“别说话。我想我在这儿有了一些顿悟。” 
我回想起在PORT ANGELES 我第一次产生错觉的时候。我产生了两个想法。神经错乱或者是梦想成真。我没有第三种想法。 
但是如果。。。 
如果你真诚的相信什么东西是真的，但是你实际上错了？如果你顽固地确信你是对的，你几乎不会考虑到事实？事实会选择沉默，还是会破裂 
想法三：爱德华爱我。这种被锤炼出的我们之间的关系 
不会因为距离而被破坏，或是时间。不管他比我多特别，多美丽，多遥远或多完美，他就向我一样不可逆转的改变。正如我将一直属于他，他也将一直属于我。 
这就是我一直想要告诉自己的吗？ 
“哦！” 
“贝拉?” 
“哦，好的。我知道了。” 
“你的顿悟？”他问道，声音显得不自然，不平坦。 
“你爱我”我惊叹道。确信的感觉又一次冲洗了我。 
尽管他的眼神仍然很忧虑，我最爱的那歪歪的笑容又掠过了他的脸庞。
“事实上，我是的。” 
我的心膨胀了起来就像它要穿过我的肋骨破裂了。它填满了我整个胸腔并堵住了我的嗓子使我说不出话来。 
他爱我正如我爱他，那是会持续永远的感情。只是他不愿意拿走我人类的身份，那所谓的灵魂，这样的束缚对我们的感情而言，是致命一击。但与他不再爱我的恐惧相比，我的灵魂，这又算得了什么呢？ 
他轻轻的捧起我的脸，埋