Chapter 1 First Sight
    This was the time of day when I wished I were able to sleep.
　　High school.
　　Or was purgatory the right word? If there was any way to atone for my sins, thisought to count toward the tally in some measure. The tedium was not something I grewused to; every day seemed more impossibly monotonous than the last.
　　I suppose this was my form of sleep—if sleep was defined as the inert statebetween active periods.
　　I stared at the cracks running through the plaster in the far corner of the cafeteria,imagining patterns into them that were not there. It was one way to tune out the voicesthat babbled like the gush of a river inside my head.
　　Several hundred of these voices I ignored out of boredom.
　　When it came to the human mind, I’d heard it all before and then some. Today,all thoughts were consumed with the trivial drama of a new addition to the small studentbody here. It took so little to work them all up. I’d seen the new face repeated in thoughtafter thought from every angle. Just an ordinary human girl. The excitement over herarrival was tiresomely predictable—like flashing a shiny object at a child. Half thesheep-like males were already imagining themselves in love with her, just because shewas something new to look at. I tried harder to tune them out.
　　Only four voices did I block out of courtesy rather than distaste: my family, mytwo brothers and two sisters, who were so used to the lack of privacy in my presence thatthey rarely gave it a thought. I gave them what privacy I could. I tried not to listen if Icould help it.
　　Try as I may, still…I knew.
　　Rosalie was thinking, as usual, about herself. She’d caught sight of her profile inthe reflection off someone’s glasses, and she was mulling over her own perfection.
　　Rosalie’s mind was a shallow pool with few surprises.
　　  Emmett was fuming over a wrestling match he’d lost to Jasper during the night. Itwould take all his limited patience to make it to the end of the school day to orchestrate arematch. I never really felt intrusive hearing Emmett’s thoughts, because he neverthought one thing that he would not say aloud or put into action. Perhaps I only feltguilty reading the others’ minds because I knew there were things there that theywouldn’t want me to know. If Rosalie’s mind was a shallow pool, then Emmett’s was alake with no shadows, glass clear.
　　And Jasper was…suffering. I suppressed a sigh.
　　Edward. Alice called my name in her head, and had my attention at once.
　　It was just the same as having my name called aloud. I was glad my given namehad fallen out of style lately—it had been annoying; anytime anyone thought of anyEdward, my head would turn automatically…My head didn’t turn now. Alice and I were good at these private conversations.
　　It was rare that anyone caught us. I kept my eyes on the lines in the plaster.
　　How is he holding up? she asked me.
　　I frowned, just a small change in the set of my mouth. Nothing that would tip theothers off. I could easily be frowning out of boredom.
　　Alice’s mental tone was alarmed now, and I saw in her mind that she waswatching Jasper in her peripheral vision. Is there any danger? She searched ahead, intothe immediate future, skimming through visions of monotony for the source behind myfrown.
　　I turned my head slowly to the left, as if looking at the bricks of the wall, sighed,and then to the right, back to the cracks in the ceiling. Only Alice knew I was shakingmy head.
　　She relaxed. Let me know if it gets too bad.
　　I moved only my eyes, up to the ceiling above, and back down.
　　Thanks for doing this.
　　I was glad I couldn’t answer her aloud. What would I say? ‘My pleasure’? Itwas hardly that. I didn’t enjoy listening to Jasper’s struggles. Was it really necessary toexperiment like this? Wouldn’t the safer path be to just admit that he might never be able  to handle the thirst the way the rest of us could, and not push his limits? Why flirt withdisaster?
　　It had been two weeks since our last hunting trip. That was not an immenselydifficult time span for the rest of us. A little uncomfortable occasionally—if a humanwalked too close, if the wind blew the wrong way. But humans rarely walked too close.
　　Their instincts told them what their conscious minds would never understand: we weredangerous.
　　Jasper was very dangerous right now.
　　At that moment, a small girl paused at the end of the closest table to ours,stopping to talk to a friend. She tossed her short, sandy hair, running her fingers throughit. The heaters blew her scent in our direction. I was used to the way that scent made mefeel—the dry ache in my throat, the hollow yearn in my stomach, the automatictightening of my muscles, the excess flow of venom in my mouth…This was all quite normal, usually easy to ignore. It was harder just now, with thefeelings stronger, doubled, as I monitored Jasper’s reaction. Twin thirsts, rather than justmine.
　　Jasper was letting his imagination get away from him. He was picturing it—picturing himself getting up from his seat next to Alice and going to stand beside the littlegirl. Thinking of leaning down and in, as if he were going to whisper in her ear, andletting his lips touch the arch of her throat. Imagining how the hot flow of her pulsebeneath the fine skin would feel under his mouth…I kicked his chair.
　　He met my gaze for a minute, and then looked down. I could hear shame andrebellion war in his head.
　　“Sorry,” Jasper muttered.
　　I shrugged.
　　“You weren’t going to do anything,” Alice murmured to him, soothing hischagrin. “I could see that.”
　　I fought back the grimace that would give her lie away. We had to stick together,Alice and I. It wasn’t easy, hearing voices or seeing visions of the future. Both freaksamong those who were already freaks. We protected each other’s secrets.
　　  “It helps a little if you think of them as people,” Alice suggested, her high,musical voice too fast for human ears to understand, if any had been close enough tohear. “Her name is Whitney. She has a baby sister she adores. Her mother invited Esmeto that garden party, do you remember?”
　　“I know who she is,” Jasper said curtly. He turned away to stare out one of thesmall windows that were spaced just under the eaves around the long room. His toneended the conversation.
　　He would have to hunt tonight. It was ridiculous to take risks like this, trying totest his strength, to build his endurance. Jasper should just accept his limitations andwork within them. His former habits were not conducive to our chosen lifestyle; heshouldn’t push himself in this way.
　　Alice sighed silently and stood, taking her tray of food—her prop, as it were—with her and leaving him alone. She knew when he’d had enough of her encouragement.
　　Though Rosalie and Emmett were more flagrant about their relationship, it was Alice andJasper who knew each other’s every mood as well as their own. As if they could readminds, too—only just each other’s.
　　Edward Cullen.
　　Reflex reaction. I turned to the sound of my name being called, though it wasn’tbeing called, just thought.
　　My eyes locked for a small portion of a second with a pair of wide, chocolate-brown human eyes set in a pale, heart-shaped face. I knew the face, though I’d neverseen it myself before this moment. It had been foremost in every human head today. Thenew student, Isabella Swan. Daughter of the town’s chief of police, brought to live hereby some new custody situation. Bella. She’d corrected everyone who’d used her fullname…I looked away, bored. It took me a second to realize that she had not been the oneto think my name.
　　Of course she’s already crushing on the Cullens, I heard the first thoughtcontinue.
　　Now I recognized the ‘voice.’ Jessica Stanley—it had been a while since she’dbothered me with her internal chatter. What a relief it had been when she’d gotten over  her misplaced infatuation. It used to be nearly impossible to escape her constant,ridiculous daydreams. I’d wished, at the time, that I could explain to her exactly whatwould have happened if my lips, and the teeth behind them, had gotten anywhere nearher. That would have silenced those annoying fantasies. The thought of her reactionalmost made me smile.
　　Fat lot of good it will do her, Jessica went on. She’s really not even pretty. Idon’t know why Eric is staring so much…or Mike.
　　She winced mentally on the last name. Her new infatuation, the genericallypopular Mike Newton, was completely oblivious to her. Apparently, he was not asoblivious to the new girl. Like the child with the shiny object again. This put a meanedge to Jessica’s thoughts, though she was outwardly cordial to the newcomer as sheexplained to her the commonly held knowledge about my family. The new student musthave asked about us.
　　Everyone’s looking at me today, too, Jessica thought smugly in an aside. Isn’t itlucky Bella had two classes with me…I’ll bet Mike will want to ask me what she’s—I tried to block the inane chatter out of my head before the petty and the trivialcould drive me mad.
　　“Jessica Stanley is giving the new Swan girl all the dirty laundry on the Cullenclan,” I murmured to Emmett as a distraction.
　　He chuckled under his breath. I hope she’s making it good, he thought.
　　“Rather unimaginative, actually. Just the barest hint of scandal. Not an ounce ofhorror. I’m a little disappointed.”
　　And the new girl? Is she disappointed in the gossip as well?
　　I listened to hear what this new girl, Bella, thought of Jessica’s story. What didshe see when she looked at the strange, chalky-skinned family that was universallyavoided?
　　It was sort of my responsibility to know her reaction. I acted as a lookout, forlack of a better word, for my family. To protect us. If anyone ever grew suspicious, Icould give us early warning and an easy retreat. It happened occasionally—some humanwith an active imagination would see in us the characters of a book or a movie. Usuallythey got it wrong, but it was better to move on somewhere new than to risk scrutiny.
　　  Very, very rarely, someone would guess right. We didn’t give them a chance to test theirhypothesis. We simply disappeared, to become no more than a frightening memory…I heard nothing, though I listened close beside where Jessica’s frivolous internalmonologue continued to gush. It was as if there was no one sitting beside her. Howpeculiar, had the girl moved? That didn’t seem likely, as Jessica was still babbling to her.
　　I looked up to check, feeling off-balance. Checking on what my extra ‘hearing’ could tellme—it wasn’t something I ever had to do.
　　Again, my gaze locked on those same wide brown eyes. She was sitting rightwhere she had been before, and looking at us, a natural thing to be doing, I supposed, asJessica was still regaling her with the local gossip about the Cullens.
　　Thinking about us, too, would be natural.
　　But I couldn’t hear a whisper.
　　Inviting warm red stained her cheeks as she looked down, away from theembarrassing gaffe of getting caught staring at a stranger. It was good that Jasper wasstill gazing out the window. I didn’t like to imagine what that easy pooling of bloodwould do to his control.
　　The emotions had been as clear on her face as if they were spelled out in wordsacross her forehead: surprise, as she unknowingly absorbed the signs of the subtledifferences between her kind and mine, curiosity, as she listened to Jessica’s tale, andsomething more…fascination? It wouldn’t be the first time. We were beautiful to them,our intended prey. Then, finally, embarrassment as I caught her staring at me.
　　And yet, though her thoughts had been so clear in her odd eyes—odd, because ofthe depth to them; brown eyes often seemed flat in their darkness—I could hear nothingbut silence from the place she was sitting. Nothing at all.
　　I felt a moment of unease.
　　This was nothing I’d ever encountered before. Was there something wrong withme? I felt exactly the same as I always did. Worried, I listened harder.
　　All the voices I’d been blocking were suddenly shouting in my head.
　　…wonder what music she likes…maybe I could mention that new CD… MikeNewton was thinking, two tables away—fixated on Bella Swan.
　　  Look at him staring at her. Isn’t it enough that he has half the girls in schoolwaiting for him to… Eric Yorkie was thinking sulfurous thoughts, also revolving aroundthe girl.
　　…so disgusting. You’d think she was famous or something… Even EdwardCullen, staring… Lauren Mallory was so jealous that her face, by all rights, should bedark jade in color. And Jessica, flaunting her new best friend. What a joke… Vitriolcontinued to spew from the girl’s thoughts.
　　…I bet everyone has asked her that. But I’d like to talk to her. I’ll think of amore original question… Ashley Dowling mused.
　　…maybe she’ll be in my Spanish… June Richardson hoped.
　　…tons left to do tonight! Trig, and the English test. I hope my mom… AngelaWeber, a quiet girl, whose thoughts were unusually kind, was the only one at the tablewho wasn’t obsessed with this Bella.
　　I could hear them all, hear every insignificant thing they were thinking as itpassed through their minds. But nothing at all from the new student with the deceptivelycommunicative eyes.
　　And, of course, I could hear what the girl said when she spoke to Jessica. I didn’thave to read minds to be able to hear her low, clear voice on the far side of the long room.
　　“Which one is the boy with the reddish brown hair?” I heard her ask, sneaking alook at me from the corner of her eye, only to look quickly away when she saw that I wasstill staring.
　　If I’d had time to hope that hearing the sound of her voice would help me pinpointthe tone of her thoughts, lost somewhere where I couldn’t access them, I was instantlydisappointed. Usually, people’s thoughts came to them in a similar pitch as their physicalvoices. But this quiet, shy voice was unfamiliar, not one of the hundreds of thoughtsbouncing around the room, I was sure of that. Entirely new.
　　Oh, good luck, idiot! Jessica thought before answering the girl’s question.
　　“That’s Edward. He’s gorgeous, of course, but don’t waste your time. He doesn’t date.
　　Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him.” She sniffed.
　　I turned my head away to hide my smile. Jessica and her classmates had no ideahow lucky they were that none of them particularly appealed to me.
　　  Beneath the transient humor, I felt a strange impulse, one I did not clearlyunderstand. It had something to do with the vicious edge to Jessica’s thoughts that thenew girl was unaware of… I felt the strangest urge to step in between them, to shield thisBella Swan from the darker workings of Jessica’s mind. What an odd thing to feel.
　　Trying to ferret out the motivations behind the impulse, I examined the new girl one moretime.
　　Perhaps it was just some long buried protective instinct—the strong for the weak.
　　This girl looked more fragile than her new classmates. Her skin was so translucent it washard to believe it offered her much defense from the outside world. I could see therhythmic pulse of blood through her veins under the clear, pale membrane… But Ishould not concentrate on that. I was good at this life I’d chosen, but I was just as thirstyas Jasper and there was no point in inviting temptation.
　　There was a faint crease between her eyebrows that she seemed unaware of.
　　It was unbelievable frustrating! I could clearly see that it was a strain for her tosit there, to make conversation with strangers, to be the center of attention. I could senseher shyness from the way she held her frail-looking shoulders, slightly hunched, as if shewas expecting a rebuff at any moment. And yet I could only sense, could only see, couldonly imagine. There was nothing but silence from the very unexceptional human girl. Icould hear nothing. Why?
　　“Shall we?” Rosalie murmured, interrupting my focus.
　　I looked away from the girl with a sense of relief. I didn’t want to continue to failat this—it irritated me. And I didn’t want to develop any interest in her hidden thoughtssimply because they were hidden from me. No doubt, when I did decipher herthoughts—and I would find a way to do so—they would be just as petty and trivial as anyhuman’s thoughts. Not worth the effort I would expend to reach them.
　　“So, is the new one afraid of us yet?” Emmett asked, still waiting for my responseto his question before.
　　I shrugged. He wasn’t interested enough to press for a more information. Norshould I be interested.
　　We got up from the table and walked out of the cafeteria.
　　  Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper were pretending to be seniors; they left for theirclasses. I was playing a younger role than they. I headed off for my junior level biologyclass, preparing my mind for the tedium. It was doubtful Mr. Banner, a man of no morethan average intellect, would manage to pull out anything in his lecture that wouldsurprise someone holding two graduate degrees in medicine.
　　In the classroom, I settled into my chair and let my books—props, again; theyheld nothing I didn’t already know—spill across the table. I was the only student whohad a table to himself. The humans weren’t smart enough to know that they feared me,but their survival instincts were enough to keep them away.
　　The room slowly filled as they trickled in from lunch. I leaned back in my chairand waited for the time to pass. Again, I wished I was able to sleep.
　　Because I’d been thinking about her, when Angela Weber escorted the new girlthrough the door, her name intruded on my attention.
　　Bella seems just as shy as me. I’ll bet today is really hard for her. I wish I couldsay something…but it would probably just sound stupid…Yes! Mike Newton thought, turning in his seat to watch the girls enter.
　　Still, from the place where Bella Swan stood, nothing. The empty space whereher thoughts should be irritated and unnerved me.
　　She came closer, walking down the aisle beside me to get to the teacher’s desk.
　　Poor girl; the seat next to me was the only one available. Automatically, I cleared whatwould be her side of the desk, shoving my books into a pile. I doubted she would feelvery comfortable there. She was in for a long semester—in this class, at least. Perhaps,though, sitting beside her, I’d be able to flush out her secrets…not that I’d ever neededclose proximity before…not that I would find anything worth listening to…Bella Swan walked into the flow of the heated air that blew toward me from thevent.
　　Her scent hit me like wrecking ball, like a battering ram. There was no imageviolent enough to encapsulate the force of what happened to me in that moment.
　　In that instant, I was nothing close to the human I’d once been; no trace of theshreds of humanity I’d managed to cloak myself in remained.　　第一章：初见在这样的日子里，我希望自己能够睡觉。
　　高中。
　　或者用“炼狱”这个词来形容会更妥帖吧？如果还有什么方式可以让我赎罪，那么从某种程度上的说，这也算是一种赎罪的方式吧。我还没有习惯这种平静无波的生活，而近来的每一天似乎都变得更加乏味。
　　我想，这对我而言算是某种形式的睡觉——如果睡眠被界定为身心的活跃与迟钝之间的状态。
　　我盯着餐厅远处某个角落的天花板的裂缝，想像它们并不存在的花纹。这是一种办法，让我可以屏蔽掉那些如流水一般嗡嗡地涌入我脑中的声音。
　　那好几百种的声音令我厌烦，我决定置之不理。
　　当我接触到人类时，我可以在那之前就听见他们的全部想法。今天，所有的思想都在讨论那个新来的学生。这儿很少有能令他们振奋的东西。我从各式各样的想法中反复看见那张新脸孔。只是一个普通的人类女孩。她的到来所引起的兴奋，在我意料之中，又令我感到厌烦——就像一个孩子得到了一个闪亮亮的新玩具。超过一半的羊群男孩已经在想象自己爱上了她，仅仅是因为她看起来很新奇。我努力将这些想法屏蔽掉。
　　只有四个声音是我出于礼貌而不去倾听的：我的家人，我的两个兄弟和姐妹，他们常常因为我的存在而缺少隐私。我尽可能地给予他们私人空间。如果能办到的话我会尽量不去听。
　　 我努力去尝试，只是……我还是知道。
　　跟往常一样，罗莎莉正在想她自己。她一眼瞥见自已在某人镜片中映射出的侧面像，她正琢磨着自己是否尽善尽美。罗莎莉的思想就像一个浅浅的水池，很少能带给人惊奇。
　　爱美特还在为昨晚他输给贾斯帕的那场摔跤比赛生气。对他来说，要等到放学以后才能报仇雪恨，已经花去了他非常有限的耐性。我从来都不觉得倾听爱美特的想法是一种侵入，因为他从来都不会把一件事情闷在心里而不大声说出来或付诸行动。也许我只会对倾听其他人的思想感到内疚，我知道有些东西是他们不愿意让我知道的。如果说罗莎莉的思想像一个浅浅的水池，那么爱美特的思想就像一个清澈的湖泊，清澈透明，一眼见底。
　　贾斯帕正在……饱受折磨。我忍住了一声叹息。
　　（爱德华。）爱丽斯在她的脑子里叫我的名字，立刻就引起了我的注意。
　　就跟我的名字被响亮地叫出来一样。我很高兴我的名字最近变得不时兴了——过去它曾给我带来不少麻烦：任何时间任何人想到任何爱德华，我的脑袋都会自动转过去……我的脑袋现在没有转过去。爱丽丝和我非常擅长这种私密交谈。没有人会察觉。我把自己的目光凝固在天花板的边线上。
　　（他还能撑住吗？）她问我。
　　我皱了皱眉，我的嘴角只是轻微动了一动。我的动作没有透露出任何信息。我的皱眉能够被轻易解读为不耐烦。
　　爱丽丝脑子里的声音正在担心，透过她的脑海，我看到她正用自己的预见力去观察贾斯帕。
　　会有什么危险吗？她对接踵而来的未来预先进行搜索，把那些令我为之皱眉的单调乏味的影像迅速浏览一遍。
　　我缓慢地将我的头转向左边，好像我正在看那堵墙的砖头，叹了口气，然后转向右边，目光回到天花板的裂缝上。只有爱丽丝知道我正在摇头。
　　她松了口气。（如果情况变糟的话马上告诉我。）我仅仅动了动我的眼珠，朝上看天花板，然后又回到原处。
　　（谢谢你为我这么做。）我庆幸自己不必大声回应她。我该说什么？‘这是我的荣幸？’那样做真的很难。我并不认为倾听贾斯帕的挣扎是一种享受。真的有必要这样试验吗？难道就没有一种更安全的途径不必将他推向极限，就能让他承认他永远不能像我们那样对付干渴？为什么要将灾难视同儿戏？
　　距离我们上次的捕猎之旅已经整整两个星期了。对我们其他人来说，这不是一个十分难熬的时期。偶尔也会有一点不舒服——当一个人类走得太近，或者是风吹错了方向。不过人类通常都不会走得太近。他们的本能总是先于他们的意识告诉他们：我们是危险的。
　　贾斯帕现在就非常危险。
　　在这当儿，一个小女孩在离我们最近的桌子旁边停住了，她在和一个朋友说话。她用她的手指拨弄着她那短短的，浅茶色的头发。空调加热器将她的香味吹向我们这边。我已经习惯于香气带给我的感觉了——喉咙涌起焦渴的疼痛，胃里蠕动着空洞的渴望，还有我肌肉无意识的绷紧，嘴里分泌出过多的毒液……这很正常，通常我都可以轻易将它忽略过去。然而现在变得比较困难，当我在监测贾斯帕的反应时，这种感觉变得倍加强烈。两倍的干渴，几乎要让我受不了。
　　贾斯帕正让自己的想像抽离身体。他正在想像这幅画面——想像他从自己挨着爱丽丝的座位上站起来，走到那个小女孩身边。想像他俯下身子，就好像他要在她耳边低语一样，然后，用他的嘴唇碰触她喉咙的动脉。他正想像在他的唇下，她纤细肌肤覆盖下的心脏流淌出来的血液是多么地炽热…… 我踢了一下他的椅子。
　　他接触到我的视线，然后垂下眼皮。我能听到在他脑子里羞愧与叛逆正在斗争。
　　“对不起。”贾斯帕嘟哝了一声。
　　我耸耸肩。
　　“你不会做任何事情，”爱丽丝朝他小声说道，安抚他的懊恼。“我能看见的。”
　　我做了个鬼脸，这可能会让她的谎言露出马脚。爱丽丝和我，我们不得不站在同一阵线。
　　看穿人心或预见未来都不是一件容易的事。即使在异类中，我们也是反常的。我们守护着彼此的秘密。
　　“如果你能像一般人那样看他们，会有点帮助。”爱丽丝建议，她高亢悦耳的声音对人类的耳朵来说太快了，即使真的有人靠近来听，也没法听明白。“她的名字叫惠妮。她非常喜欢她的小妹妹。她的母亲邀请爱斯梅去参加花园茶会，你还记得吗？”
　　“我知道她是谁。”贾斯帕说。他把头扭开了，看向餐厅屋檐下的小窗户。他的语气意味着这次交谈到此为止。
　　他今晚必须去捕猎了。类似这样的冒险是荒谬的，试图考验他的力量，去建构他的忍耐力。贾斯帕必须接受他的极限并且适应它。他之前的生活习惯对我们所选择的生活方式毫无帮助：他不该把自己逼到这种地步。
　　爱丽丝无声地叹息，站起身，手里捧着装满食物的托盘——从某种程度上说，是她的支撑物——让他单独留下。她知道他已经从她那里得到足够的鼓励了。尽管罗莎莉和爱美特会更明目张胆地显示他俩的关系，然而爱丽丝和贾斯帕更能了解彼此的每一种情绪。仿佛他们可以读到彼此的思想——仅限于他们俩。
　　（爱德华?卡伦。）出于条件反射，我转头朝向那个喊我名字的声音，尽管这不是被叫出声的声音，而只是想法。
　　我的眼睛在一秒钟内就锁定了目标：一双大大的，巧克力色的人类眼睛，镶嵌在一张雪白的心型脸孔上。我认识这张脸，尽管我之前并没有亲眼见过。今天它在几乎每一个人类脑子里占据显要位置。那个新生，伊萨贝拉?斯旺。小镇警长的女儿，由于她父亲获得了新的监护权，她将住在这儿。贝拉，她纠正每一个喊她全名的人……我索然无趣地看向一边。我花了一秒钟的时间意识到那个想我名字的声音并不是她的。
　　（她当然会迷上卡伦一家，）我听到最初的那个想法在继续着。
　　现在我认出这个“声音”了。杰西卡?斯丹利——她用她内心的喋喋不休干扰我好一段时间了。当她结束这场错位的迷恋时，对我真是一种解脱。之前我还以为没法躲开她那持续不变，荒谬可笑的白日梦呢。在那时我真的希望自己可以确切地告诉她，如果我的嘴唇还有我的牙齿碰到她时，究竟会发生什么。这样就能让那些烦人的想像安静下来了。想像那时她将作出何种反应，我几乎要笑出来了。
　　（她看起来没什么好的，不是吗，）杰西卡继续想着，（她真的不怎么漂亮。我真不懂为什么艾里克一直看着她……麦克也是。）她在想到最后一个名字时赶紧避开了。她迷恋的新目标，那个普普通通，颇受欢迎的麦克?
　　牛顿，完全没有注意到她。显然，他很在意那个新来的女孩。就像孩子得到新玩具一样。这让杰西卡的想法变得自私起来，尽管从表面看她对这位新同学很热情。她在向她解释那些关于我们家的传闻。这位新生一定是问起我们了。
　　（今天每一个人都在看我，）杰西卡沾沾自喜地想。（太幸运了，贝拉有两节课是跟我一起上的，我敢打赌麦克一定会想要问我关于她的——）我试图堵上自己的脑子，这些琐碎无聊、卑鄙小气的闲言碎语可能会把我逼疯。
　　“杰西卡?斯丹利正在告诉那个新来的斯旺女孩有关卡伦家的丑闻。”作为消遣，我朝爱美 特低语。
　　他低笑。（我希望她能把段子编得好一点。）他想。
　　“确实没什么想像力。只是一些关于丑闻的露骨的暗示。没有半点恐惧成分。我有点失望。”
　　（那个新来的女孩呢？她也对这些流言蜚语感到失望吗？）我倾听这位新来的女孩，贝拉，对杰西卡故事的想法。她是如何看待众人避之则吉的，奇怪的，有着苍白皮肤的这一家子的呢？
　　了解她的反应是我的一种责任。对我们家来说，我担当警戒作用。为的是保护我们。如果有谁起了疑心，我能及早提出警报，让我们得以从容退避。这种情况偶尔也会发生——有些想像力丰富的人会把我们看作是小说或电影里的人物。通常他们都会猜错，不过为了不冒被细查细究的危险，我们还是会搬到别的地方去。只有在极少数情况下，有人能猜对。我们不会给他们机会去验证他们的假设。我们会简单地消失，仅仅成为一个可怕的回忆……我什么也没听到，尽管我能听到旁边的杰西卡那轻浮愚蠢的内心独白还在滔滔不绝。这就好像她旁边没有坐人一样。真是怪事，难道那个女孩走了吗？可又不像，因为杰西卡还在跟她喋喋不休。我看过去检查，感到有点失去平衡。核实我那额外的听觉所告诉我的事实——这种事情我还从来没有碰到过。
　　我的眼睛再次锁定那双大大的褐色眼睛。她还是坐在原先的位置上，看着我们，我想，这是一件很自然的事，因为杰西卡还在跟她分享那些卡伦家的传闻。
　　想到我们，也是很自然的啊。
　　但我没能听到一声低语。
　　她眼睛朝下看，躲开了来自一个陌生人的无礼的注视，脸颊升起两团诱人的红晕。幸好贾斯帕正盯着窗外。我可不喜欢想像当他看到这两团血色时的反应。
　　她脸上的表情是如此清晰，就好像她额头上刻着一个个字似的：惊讶，当她在不知不觉中察觉到她的族类和我们之间的微妙区别时；好奇，当她听到杰西卡的故事时；更多的是……入迷？这不是第一次了。我们对他们，我们的猎物来说，是美丽的。接着，最后是困窘，因为我与她的目光相接触。
　　但是，尽管她的想法在她古怪的眼睛里是如此地清晰——古怪，源自它们的深邃；褐色眼睛通常都会因为它们的黑暗色调而显得单调沉闷——我从她的位置上听不到任何东西，只有寂静。我什么也听不到。
　　我感到不安。
　　我以前从未遇过这种情况。我是不是有什么不对劲啦？我觉得自己跟往常一样啊。我焦虑地更努力去倾听。
　　我之前调为背景音的所有声音突然冲着我的脑子大喊。
　　（……不知道她喜欢什么音乐……也许我可以展示那张新CD……）麦克?牛顿正想着，坐在离我两张桌子远的地方，对贝拉?斯旺念念不忘。
　　瞧，他正盯着她看。这所学校超过一半的女孩都等着跟他约会呢，这还不够吗？艾里克?
　　约奇刻薄地想着，还是围着这个女孩转。
　　（……真是令人作呕。好像她是什么大人物似的……甚至连爱德华?卡伦，也在盯着她看……）劳伦是那么地嫉妒，按理说，她的脸该变成青黑色。（杰西卡还在炫耀她的新朋友，真是可笑极了……）刻薄话从这女孩的想法里源源不断地喷出来。
　　（……我想每个人都已经问过她那个了。不过我好想跟她说话。我得想一个更新鲜点的话题……）艾什利?道温沉思着。
　　（也许她会跟我一起上西班牙语课……）简?理查德生这样盼望。
　　（今晚太多作业了！三角和英语测验，我希望我妈妈……）安吉拉?韦伯，一个文静的女孩， 她的想法通常都很友善，她是这桌唯一一个想法没有围着贝拉转的人。
　　我能听到他们全部的声音，所有那些从他们脑海中闪过的毫无价值的念头。不过这其中没有一个来自那个长着一双会说话的眼睛的新生。
　　还有，当然啦，我能够听到那女孩和杰西卡说话。我不需要读取思想就能听到从大堂另一端传来的她低而清晰的声音。
　　“那个长着古铜色头发的男孩是谁？”我听到她问，一边用眼角的余光偷偷注视我，当她发现我的注视时，便飞快地将视线转移了。
　　如果我之前就听过她声音的话，就可以帮我准确找出她头脑中的声音，我准是漏过它了。
　　通常，人们的想法和他们身体的声音很相似。不过这个安静的，害羞的嗓音十分陌生，我能确定它不属于这个大厅中嗡嗡响动的上百种声音。它完全是崭新的。
　　（噢，祝你好运，白痴！）杰西卡在回答女孩问题时想。“那是爱德华?卡伦。当然啦，他绝对英俊潇洒，不过别浪费你的时间。他不会跟任何人约会的。很显然这里没一个女孩配得上他。”她轻蔑地说。
　　我扭过头去，藏起我的微笑。杰西卡和她的同学一定不知道她们有多么幸运，当她们中没有一个人对我有吸引力。
　　转瞬即逝的诙谐过后，我突然涌起一个奇怪的念头，一个我并不十分理解的念头。那个新来的女孩并没有意识到杰西卡思想中的邪恶部分。我感到有一股陌生的冲动令我想要插足其中，想保护这个贝拉?斯旺远离杰西卡的阴暗想法。这感觉是多么奇怪。为了找出隐藏在这后面的动机，我再一次审视那个新来的女孩。
　　也许那只是一种被深藏起来的强烈防护本能——相对其他人类而言要强一点。这个女孩看上去比她的新同学柔弱。她那呈半透明状的皮肤看起来很难让她抵御外部世界。我能清楚地看到在那苍白肌肤覆盖下跳动的脉搏，但我不应该把注意力放在这上面。我一向很适应我所选择的生活，现在我只是像贾斯帕一样饥渴，吸引诱惑物毫无意义。
　　在她的眉毛之间有着一道轻微的颦蹙，她似乎并未察觉到。
　　难以置信，这简直令人沮丧！我能清楚地看到，坐在那里，和陌生人交谈，成为大家关注的焦点，令她感到紧张。我能感觉到她，直觉告诉我，她似乎更期待受冷落。然而我只能感觉，只能看到，只能想像。在这个人类女孩身上，除了寂静，什么也没有。我什么也听不到。
　　为什么？
　　“我们走吧。”罗莎莉低语，打断了我的专注。
　　我把目光从那女孩身上挪开，感觉松了口气。我不想继续深陷其中了——这让我感到挫败。
　　而且我也不想对她隐藏起来的想法发展出任何兴趣，仅仅只是因为它们对我隐藏起来了。毫无疑问，当我破译出她的想法时——我最终会找到方法的——它们一定会像其他人类的想法那样琐碎，那样毫无价值。它们根本不值得我花费力气去探究。
　　“那个新来的怕了我们吗？”爱美特问道，等着我回答他之前这个问题。
　　我耸耸肩。他似乎没有兴趣继续深究。我也不应该感兴趣。
　　我们离开桌子，走出餐厅。
　　爱美特，罗莎莉和贾斯帕正装扮成三年级生；他们往左边走，去上课了。我装得比他们更小。
　　我改变方向去上我二年级的生物课，做好准备面对冗长沉闷的课堂。对一个已经拥有两个医学院学位的人来说，我很怀疑班纳先生，一个才智平庸的人，能从他的讲课里拿出什么令人惊讶的东西来。
　　在课室里，我坐进自己的座位，把我的课本——小道具，里面的内容我早已滚瓜烂熟——拿出来放在桌面上。我是唯一一个单独就坐的学生。人们虽然还没有机灵到能意识到他们怕我，不过他们求生的本能足以令他们远远躲开我。
　　 课室里的人慢慢多起来了，他们吃完午饭回来了。我往后靠在椅背上，等待时间过去，再一次，我希望自己能睡觉。
　　因为我刚才一直在想她，所以当安吉拉?韦伯陪着新同学走进门时，她的名字一下子就引起了我的注意。
　　（贝拉就像我一样害羞。今天对她来说一定很难熬。我真希望我能说点什么……不过那只会听起来很蠢……）（太好了！）麦克?牛顿想道，他把椅子转过来，看着那女孩走进来。
　　在贝拉?斯旺站着的地方，还是什么也听不到。她思想的真空地带让我感到恼火，感到气馁。
　　她走得更近一点了，从我身旁的过道经过，走向教师讲台。可怜的女孩，她只能坐在我身边的座位了。我自动把她桌子那边清理干净，把我的课本猛地推向一边，摞成一叠。我估计她在这里不会感到自在。至少，在这个课程上，她要待上一个学期。不过，也许，坐在她旁边，我就能挖掘出她的秘密了——并不是说我以前需要如此接近……并不是说我能找到任何值得倾听的东西……贝拉?斯旺向我走过来，顺着出气孔朝我吹来的热风。
　　她的香气像闪电、霹雳一样击中了我。在这一瞬间作用于我身上的影响是如此强烈，根本没有任何词语能够形容。
　　在那一瞬间，我再没有一点地方像个人类，她把我之前的人类伪装撕得粉碎，荡然无存。
　　我就像一个瘾君子。而她就是我的毒品。整个世界仅剩下这一事实，再无其他。
　　这个房间里不再有目击证人——他们已经在我脑子里被间接杀害了。我已经忘记她思想的秘密。她的想法已经无关紧要了，因为她不能再继续思考了。
　　我是一个吸血鬼，而她的血是我这八十年来闻到过的最甜美的。
　　我从未想过会有这种香气存在。如果我知道的话，我会在很久以前就开始寻找她。我会为她搜遍整个地球。我能想像它的味道……干渴自我的喉咙升起，就像一团火。我的嘴巴快被烤焦了。我的胃因干渴而变得异常饥饿。
　　我的肌肉鼓起。
　　一秒钟还没有过去，她还是踩着同样的步伐顺着风向朝我走来。
　　当她走过来时，她的眼睛瞟向我，悄悄地看了我一眼。她接触到我的视线，她那双大眼睛如明镜一般映射出我的样子。
　　这张脸使我震惊，也让她多活了一些时候。
　　她没有让事态缓和。当她看到我脸上的表情时，血色再一次涌上她的脸颊，使她的肌肤转变为一种最可口的颜色。她的香气像浓雾一样笼罩着我的大脑。我几乎无法思考。我的大脑在狂怒，在反抗理智的约束，我已经晕头转向了。
　　她现在走得更快了一点，好像意识到需要躲避什么似的，她的匆忙让她变得笨手笨脚的——她被什么东西绊倒了，几乎撞到坐在我前面的女孩身上。容易受伤，脆弱，对人类来说再普通不过了。
　　我竭力将注意力集中在她眼中那张脸孔上，那张令我强烈反感的脸孔。那张我体内的魔鬼的脸孔——我用几十年的努力和坚定的锻炼来将它击垮。现在竟然那么容易就浮出水面！
　　那股香气再度包围着我。它分散了我的想法，几乎将我推出座位。
　　不。
　　我的手紧紧地抓住桌子边缘，竭力想把自己稳在座位上。木头没有起到什么作用。我的手已经揉进支柱里，带出满满一捧碎木屑，剩下的木头留下了我手指的形状。
　　消灭证据。这是一个最基本的法则。我迅速将留下我手指形状的木头弄碎，让它仅留下一个凹凸不平的小洞，让木屑洒在地板上，用脚踩碎。
　　 消灭证据。间接杀害……我知道接下来将发生什么。那女孩会过来坐到我身旁，而我将杀死她。
　　而教室里那些无辜的人，十八个孩子和一个男人，当他们看到即将发生的这一切时，将不能活着离开这里。
　　一想到我即将要做的事情，我畏缩了。即使在最恶劣的情况下，我也从来没有允许过这样的暴行。在过去八十年里，我从来没有杀过一个无辜的人。而我现在正计划着要一下子屠杀二十个。
　　镜中魔鬼的脸孔在嘲弄我。
　　我体内的一部分颤抖着远离那个魔鬼，然而另一部分却在冷静地谋划着。
　　如果我先把这女孩干掉，我只有十五到二十秒钟的时间这么做，直到这房间里的人反应过来。
　　或者时间能更长一点，如果一开始他们没有意识到我在干什么的话。她应该没有时间尖叫或感到痛苦，我不会残忍地杀死她。看在她那令人发疯的血的份上，我能施舍给这个陌生女孩的慈悲就只有这么多了。
　　然后我必须阻止他们逃跑。我用不着担心那些窗户，它们太高太小了，他们无法从那里逃脱。
　　只有那扇门——堵住它，就能把他们都困住。
　　当他们开始因恐慌而尖叫，四散逃亡时，要把他们全部干掉会变得缓慢、困难。虽然不太可能，不过还是会有响声。这么多尖叫声，一定会被听见的……那么我将不得不杀死更多无辜的人。
　　当我在谋杀其他人的时候，她的血早就变冷了。
　　那么就先从目击者开始。
　　我在脑子里筹划着。我坐在教室的正中间，后面最远的一行。我可以先从我的左边开始。我估计，我可以在一秒钟内拧断四到五个人的脖子。那不会很吵。左边的人是幸运的，他们不会看到我接近。再前后移动，来到右边，这最多花费我五秒钟的时间就能结束这房间里的所有生命。
　　这么长的时间，足以令贝拉?斯旺明白，即将发生在她身上的事。足以令她感到恐惧。让她吓得僵在座位上，叫不出声来。一个微弱的尖叫不足以让她逃跑。
　　我深深地吸了口气。香味就像一团火焰迅速掠过我干渴的身体，从我胸膛焚烧，销毁一切我凭冲动想到的念头。
　　她这会儿正在拐弯处，在几秒钟内，她将紧挨着我坐下。
　　我脑子里的魔鬼正满怀期待地冲我微笑。
　　我右边的某个人砰地合上文件夹。我没有去看是哪一个在劫难逃的人。但是这个举动带来一阵风，一股普通的，不带香气的气流，吹过我的脸。
　　在这极其短暂的一秒钟内，我能够思考了。在这弥足珍贵的一秒钟里，我看到在我脑海中并排出现的两张脸。
　　一张是我的脸孔，确切地说是过去那个我的：一个曾经杀人无数的红眼睛的魔鬼。为杀人寻找正当理由。一个杀害凶手的杀人魔，一个杀害其他那些更弱一点的魔鬼的魔鬼。这是上帝的旨意，我这样欺骗自己——决定谁应该接受死亡判决。这是一种自我妥协。我以吸食人类的鲜血为生，我的受害者们，就他们各种各样的邪恶过往来看，并不比我更像一个人。
　　另一张是卡莱尔的脸。
　　这两张脸毫无相似之处。恍若白天和黑夜。
　　它们也没有理由相似。从血缘上说，卡莱尔并不是我的生父。我们长得一点儿也不像。我们相似的肤色仅仅因为我们是同类，每个吸血鬼都有着冰冷而苍白的皮肤。我们相同颜色的眼睛是另外一个结果——一个共同的选择的映射。
　　 尽管我们并没有相似的基础，我曾想像自己的脸庞在某种程度上映射出他的脸，在过去的七十余年里，我一直信奉他的选择，紧随他的脚步。我的相貌并没有改变，不过我似乎有那么一点点像他了，他的智慧似乎有那么一丁点儿呈现在我的表情上，他的怜悯之心能在我的嘴角发现，他的坚忍清晰地镌刻在我的眉宇之间。
　　在这张魔鬼的脸孔面前，所有细微的改善都丢失殆尽。就在短短的一瞬间，这一切都将消失殆尽，我在过去几十年里同我的创造者，我的良师，我的父亲所做的一切努力，都将付之东流。我的眼睛会变得血红，就像一个恶魔，所有的相似之处将永远丢失。
　　在我的脑子里，卡莱尔善良的眼睛并没有审判我。我知道他会原谅我，即使在我做下这种可怕的事后。因为他爱我。因为他认为我会比原来更好。他会仍然爱我的，即使我证明他的看法是错的。
　　贝拉?斯旺在我旁边坐下，她的动作僵硬而笨拙——她在害怕吗？——她血液里散发出来的香气像不可阻挡的云一样笼罩着我。
　　我将证明父亲对我的看法是错误的，这一事实所带来的痛苦，几乎和我喉咙里燃烧的火焰一样强烈。
　　我带着强烈的反感远离她——反抗体内渴求着她的魔鬼。
　　为什么她要到这儿来？为什么她要存在？为什么她要毁掉我人生中仅有的一点点的平和？为什么这样的人会被生下来？她会毁了我。
　　我转过脸去背对她，一股突如其来的，强烈的，非理性的憎恨袭遍我全身。
　　为什么是我，为什么是现在？为什么我不得不失去所有的一切，仅仅是因为她恰好选择出现在这个不幸的小镇上？
　　为什么她要到这儿来？
　　我不想成为魔鬼！我不想杀掉这房间里所有手无寸铁的孩子！我不想失去我用牺牲和否定换来的一切。
　　我不能这么做。她不能让我这么做。
　　那股香气是一道难题，她血液所散发的香气，诱人到令人恐惧。如果这里有什么办法抵挡……如果能再刮来一阵巨风，让新鲜空气使我脑子清醒过来。
　　贝拉?斯旺把她那头长长的，浓密的，红褐色的头发朝我那边晃了晃。
　　她疯了吗？她这么做简直就像是在鼓动那个魔鬼！在嘲弄他！
　　这会儿并没有什么好心肠的风帮我将那股香气吹散。很快一切即将失控。
　　不，这里没有风帮忙。不过我可以停止呼吸。
　　我阻止空气流进我的肺部，痛苦暂时得到了缓解，不过还不完全。我的脑子里还留有她香气的记忆，我的舌根还残留着那股味道。我坚持不了多久。不过也许可以坚持一小时。一小时，这段时间足以让这些受害者全部离开房间，那么也许他们就用不着死。如果我能坚持短短的一个小时。
　　不呼吸，会让人感到不舒服。我的身体不需要氧气，但这么做违背了我的本能。在我感觉到压力时，我依赖嗅觉更甚于我的其他感官。我在捕猎的时候就是这么做的，万一遇到危险，嗅觉能最先向我提出警告。我很少遇到像我一样危险的生物，不过我们族类的自我保护本能就像一般人类那样强大。
　　不舒服，但还能办得到。我可以忍住不去呼吸她的香气，不让我的毒牙穿过那纤细、单薄、半透明的肌肤，咬进那炽热的、潮湿的、脉动的——一个小时，仅仅是一个小时，我不能去想她的香气，她的味道……这个安静的女孩把她的头发垂落在我们中间，她的身子向前倾，这样她披散开来的头发就垂落到了文件夹上。我看不见她的脸，无法从她清澈、深邃的眼睛里读出她的情绪。她为什么 要用这种方式隔开我们？为了阻挡我的目光吗？是害怕？是害羞？还是想对我隐藏她的秘密？
　　相比之下，她沉默的思想带给我的恼怒已经变得微乎其微了——憎恨——现在正蔓延我的全身。因为我恨这个坐在我身旁的小女孩，我强烈地憎恨着她，带着那个对从前的我，对我家人的爱，带着我希望能够变得更好的梦想。憎恨她，恨她带给我的一切——这多少有点帮助。
　　我之前的恼怒已经变得微弱了，不过，也有一点帮助。我紧抓住任何能够制止我的感情，阻止我去想像她品尝起来会是怎样的滋味……憎恨，恼怒，焦躁。这一个小时是不是永远都不会过去了？
　　当这一小时过去后，她将走出课室，我该怎么做？
　　我可以介绍我自己。（你好，我叫爱德华?卡伦，我可以送你去上下一节课吗？）出于礼貌，她将会答应。尽管我猜我已经吓到她了，不过出于一般礼节，她还是会跟我走的。
　　把她带到一个错误的方向是很容易办到的。停车场的后面就是一片郁郁葱葱的森林。我可以告诉她我把一本书忘在车里了……有人会留意到我是最后一个跟她在一起的人吗？像往常一样，现在正下着雨，两道走向错误方向的穿黑色雨衣的身影并不会引起人们的注意，但或者我会被告发。
　　我并不是今天唯一一个留意她的学生——虽然没有人像我这样狂热地在意。特别是麦克?牛顿，当她在座位上坐立不安时，他正密切留意着她的一举一动——和我在一起让她感到不舒服，就像其他人一样，就像我本来预期的那样，直到她的香气将我所有的仁慈摧毁。如果我和她一起离开课室，麦克?牛顿会留意到的。
　　如果我能够经受住一个小时，那么两个小时呢？
　　那烧灼全身的痛苦让我畏缩。
　　她将回到那个空无一人的家。斯旺警长会工作一整天。我知道他的房子在哪儿，我知道这个小镇上每一户人家。他的房子紧挨着一片茂密的树林，周围没有邻居。即使她有时间发出尖叫，也没有人会听见。
　　这是一种最负责任的做法。我已经七十年没有吸过人类的血了。如果我停止呼吸，我可以坚持两个小时。而一旦我和她单独相处，有人一定会受伤害。而且没有理由让这种体验匆匆结束，我脑子里的魔鬼也表示同意。
　　用努力和忍耐来挽救这房间里的十九条人命的想法只是一种诡辩，如果我只是杀掉这个无辜的女孩，我也许可以不那么像一个魔鬼。
　　尽管我恨她，可我知道我的仇恨是不公正的。我知道我真正恨的人是我自己。而她死后，这种对我们俩的憎恨会更甚。
　　我用这种办法熬过这个小时——想像怎么杀她才是最好的。我竭力避免想像真实的行动。这也许已经超过了我的能力所及，我也许将输掉这场战争，最终杀掉视线里的每一个人。所以我计划策略，除此之外，再没有什么可做了。这帮我熬过了那一个小时。
　　曾经有一次，就在这一小时快要结束的时候，她透过她那瀑布般的长发，偷偷看了我一眼。
　　当我接触到她的目光时，我能感觉到那股不公正的憎恨焚烧我的身体——看到她那受惊的眼睛里的映像。在她把脸躲进头发后面时，她的脸颊升起了两团粉红的血色，我快要崩溃了。
　　然而下课铃响了。铃声救了我们——多么及时！我们都获救了。她，从死亡中获救，我也获救了，在短时间内，我不必成为我所恐惧和憎恨的恶梦般的生物。
　　我冲出课室，我没办法像正常人一样走出去，如果这时碰巧有谁看见我，他们也许会对我异乎寻常的移动方式起疑心。没有人留意我。所有人的思想还在绕着那个女孩，那个在过去一小时里几乎被处死的女孩转。
　　我躲进我的车里。
　　 我不喜欢躲进车里这个想法。这听起来多么怯懦！然而现在的情况正是如此。
　　我现在还不能待在人群中。我必须集中全部的努力去避免杀害他们中的那一个，这让我再没有精力去顾及其他人了。那样做有多么浪费啊。如果我打算向魔鬼投降的话，至少我也应该让自己输得值得。
　　我播放了一张CD，这通常都能让我平静下来，不过现在没什么用。不，我现在最需要的是从车窗外随着细雨飘进来的凉快、潮湿、纯净的空气。尽管我还是能够准确无误地记住贝拉?
　　斯旺血液的香气，吸入新鲜空气就好像洗刷着我的身体一样，让我能够逃离那香气的影响。
　　我的理智恢复正常了。我又能思考了。如果我能再度战斗，我将和我不想成为的东西战斗。
　　我不一定要到她家去。我不一定要杀死她。显然，我是一个有理性、有思想的生物，我可以选择。我们总是可以选择的。
　　在课室里我不是这么想的……不过现在我离开了她。或许，如果我能非常非常小心地躲开她，我的生活就不需要被改变。我现在喜欢上我之前井然有序的生活了。为什么我要让某个恼人的、美味的小人物毁了它呢？
　　我不一定要让我的父亲失望。我不一定要让我的母亲紧张、担心、痛苦……是的，这也会伤害我的养母。爱斯梅是那么的温柔、脆弱、善良。让爱斯梅痛苦是不可原谅的。
　　这是多么荒谬啊，我还想保护这个人类女孩远离杰西卡?史丹利的卑鄙想法。我是最有资格保护伊莎贝拉?斯旺的最后一人。她最需要得到的就是我的保护。
　　我突然想知道爱丽丝在哪里。她是否预见过我可能会在大庭广众下杀死贝拉?斯旺？为什么她不来帮我——阻止我或者帮我毁尸灭迹？她是不是太过专注于贾斯帕，以致漏掉了这可能发生的更骇人的事？我是不是比我想象的要更坚强？我是不是不会真的对这女孩做什么？
　　不，我想那不是真的。爱丽丝一定是太过专注于贾斯帕了。
　　我知道她会在哪儿，我朝她那个方向搜寻，她在那座小楼里上英语课。我没花多少时间就找到了她熟悉的“声音”。我猜对了。她每一个念头都在围着贾斯帕转，检测他在每一分钟里所作的每一个选择。
　　我希望能得到她的忠告，不过与此同时，我又为此感到高兴，她不知道我刚刚经历的事。她并不知道我在那一个小时里企图策划的一场大屠杀。
　　一团新的火焰燃烧我的身体——一团羞愧的火焰。我不想他们中任何人知道这件事。
　　如果我能避开贝拉?斯旺，如果我能够不杀死她——尽管我很想这么做，我体内的魔鬼正因受挫而痛苦扭曲，咬牙切齿——那么就没有人会知道此事。如果我能够远离她的香气。
　　至少，我没有理由不这么做。作出一个更好的选择。努力成为卡莱尔所期待的那个我。
　　在学校的最后一个小时快要过去了。我决定将我的计划马上付诸行动。总比呆在停车场好，她可能会经过我身旁，毁掉我的努力。我再次感觉到自己对那女孩的不公正的憎恨。
　　我走得很快——也许太快了一点，不过这里没人看见——我穿过校园来到办公室。贝拉?斯旺没有理由会在这里和我不期而遇。她应该躲开我，就像躲避瘟疫一样。
　　办公室里除了秘书外没有别人，我要找的正是她。
　　她没有留意到我悄悄走进来。
　　“柯普太太？”
　　这妇女有一头不自然的红发，她抬起头，睁大了眼睛。一些他们无法了解的细微迹象总是令他们措手不及，不管他们之前从我们那见过多少次……“噢，”她喘了口气，有点慌乱。她抚平她的衬衫。（别傻了，）她在心里自言自语，（他小得够当我儿子了，太小了，实在不该那样想，）“你好，爱德华。有什么事吗？”她的睫毛在厚厚的镜片后紧张地巴眨着。
　　这令我不自在。不过我知道怎样可以让我变得更有魅力，当我需要它的时候。这很容易，因为我的本能会告诉我怎样的语气和姿势能起作用。
　　 我把身子向前挨过去，和她目光相遇，就好像我正深深地凝视着她那双细小的褐色眼睛。她已经有点心烦意乱了。这太简单了。
　　“我想知道您是不是可以帮忙看一下我的课程表。”我用一种轻柔的不会惊吓住人们的语气说道。
　　我听到她正心跳加速。
　　“当然可以，爱德华。我能帮上什么忙吗？”（太小了，太小了，）她在心里反复念叨，错了，这是当然的。我比她的祖父还老。不过从我的驾驶证来看，她说得没错。
　　“我想知道我是不是可以把我的生物课调整为一个高年级的科目，比如说物理？”
　　“班纳先生有什么问题吗，爱德华？”
　　“不，只是这一科我已经学过了……”
　　“你在阿拉斯加的学校已经提前学过了，噢，”她舔了舔薄嘴唇，考虑着。（他们都应该去读大学。我听到那些老师抱怨，完美的四分，哦，回答问题时从不犹豫，测验时从来不会给错答案——就好像他们用同样的方法在每一科都作弊似的。瓦纳先生宁愿相信所有人都作弊，也不愿相信有学生会比他聪明。我敢打赌他们的母亲一定为他们请了家教……）“爱德华，实际上，现在物理课差不多都满员了。班纳先生不喜欢一个班里超过二十五个学生——”
　　“我不会惹麻烦的。”
　　（当然不会，多么完美无暇的卡伦。）“我知道，爱德华，不过那里实在没有多余的位子了”
　　“那么，我能不能当掉这科？我可以用其他科目的学分代替。”
　　“当掉生物？”她张开嘴巴，（这太疯狂了，耐着性子上完你已经学过的科目有那么难吗？班纳先生一定是出了什么问题，我是不是该和鲍勃谈谈这件事？）“这会影响你毕业的。”
　　“我明年可以补修。”
　　“也许你该和你父母谈谈。”
　　我身后的门被推开了，不过在那里的人没有想到我，所以我没有理会那个进来的人，把注意力集中在柯普太太身上。我把身子再往前倾一点，把我的眼睛张得更大一点。如果我的眼睛是金色而非黑色的话，效果会更好。黑色可能会让人们感到害怕。
　　“求你了，柯普太太。”我尽量让自己的声音平稳，使它更容易被人接受——它应该会被接受。
　　“还有什么科目是我可以选修的吗？我想一定还有其他空缺。六小时的生物课肯定不是唯一的选择”
　　我冲她微笑，小心地不让我的牙齿露出来，那只会吓住她，我让我脸部表情变得更柔和。
　　她的心跳得更快了。（太小了，）她不得不疯狂提醒自己，“好吧，也许我可以和鲍勃谈谈——我是说班纳先生，我可以看看是不是——”
　　一秒钟，一切都变了：房间里的空气，我到这儿来的任务，我屈身倾向那个红发女人的理由……一秒钟的时间，莎曼纱?韦尔士推开门，将一张纸条放进门边的篮子里，又匆忙离开，急急忙忙走出学校。一秒钟的时间，一股猛烈的风突然从敞开的门外刮进来，吹向我。我花了一秒钟的时间才意识到为什么第一个从门外进来的人没有用他的思想打扰我。
　　我转过身去，尽管我不需要这样确认。我缓缓地转过身去，极力想控制住反抗我的肌肉。
　　贝拉?斯旺贴着墙壁站在门边，她手里拿着一张纸。当她接触到我凶残而冰冷的目光时，她的眼睛睁得比平时更大了。
　　在这个温暖的小房间里，她血液的香气充满了每一个角落。我的喉咙快被火烧着了。
　　她眼睛里映射出来的魔鬼正愤怒地盯我，带着一副邪恶的面具。
　　我的手放在长柜台上，犹豫不决。我没有回头看，为的是不让自己伸出手臂，用大得足够杀死她的力气，将柯普太太的脑袋扣在桌子上。与其杀死二十个，倒不如杀死两个，这笔交易很公平。
　　 魔鬼焦躁而饥渴地等待着，等着我这么做……总是可以选择的——一定可以选择。
　　我迅速切断呼吸，把卡莱尔的脸紧紧固定在我的眼前。我转身面对柯普太太，听到她心里正为我骤然改变的表现惊讶不已。她在我面前瑟缩了，不过她还没有清楚意识到自己的恐惧。
　　我用尽了我在过去几十年里以自我牺牲换来的自控力，让自己的声音变得更平稳了。我的肺里还留有足够的空气，让我能把话说完，让我挤出这些词语。
　　“没关系。我看得出这是不可能的了，谢谢你的帮忙。”
　　我离开那间房子，努力不去感觉那女孩身体里温暖血液的热度。
　　我不敢停下来，直到我上了车，我实在走得太快了。现在大部分人都已经回家了，所以这里没有什么人。我听到一个二年级学生DJ?加勒特留意到了我
Chapter 2 Open Book
I leaned back against the soft snow bank, letting the dry powder reshape itself around myweight. My skin had cooled to match the air around me, and the tiny pieces of ice feltlike velvet under my skin.
　　The sky above me was clear, brilliant with stars, glowing blue in some places,yellow in others. The stars created majestic, swirling shapes against the black universe—an awesome sight. Exquisitely beautiful. Or rather, it should have been exquisite.
　　Would have been, if I’d been able to really see it.
　　It wasn’t getting any better. Six days had passed, six days I’d hidden here in theempty Denali wilderness, but I was no closer to freedom than I had been since the firstmoment that I’d caught her scent.
　　When I stared up at the jeweled sky, it was as if there were an obstructionbetween my eyes and their beauty. The obstruction was a face, just an unremarkablehuman face, but I couldn’t quite seem to banish it from my mind.
　　I heard the approaching thoughts before I heard the footsteps that accompaniedthem. The sound of movement was only a faint whisper against the powder.
　　I was not surprised that Tanya had followed me here. I knew she’d been mullingover this coming conversation for the last few days, putting it off until she was sure ofexactly what she wanted to say.
　　She sprang into sight about sixty yards away, leaping onto the tip of anoutcropping of black rock and balancing there on the balls of her bare feet.
　　Tanya’s skin was silver in the starlight, and her long blond curls shone pale,almost pink with their strawberry tint. Her amber eyes glinted as she spied me, half-buried in the snow, and her full lips stretched slowly into a smile.
　　Exquisite. If I’d really been able to see her. I sighed.
　　She crouched down on the point of the stone, her fingertips touching the rock, herbody coiled.
　　Cannonball, she thought.
　　  She launched herself into the air; her shape became a dark, twisting shadow as shespun gracefully between me and the stars. She curled herself into a ball just as she struckthe piled snow bank beside me.
　　A blizzard of snow flew up around me. The stars went black and I was burieddeep in the feathery ice crystals.
　　I sighed again, but didn’t move to unearth myself. The blackness under the snowneither hurt nor improved the view. I still saw the same face.
　　“Edward?”
　　Then snow was flying again as Tanya swiftly disinterred me. She brushed thepowder from my unmoving face, not quite meeting my eyes.
　　“Sorry,” she murmured. “It was a joke.”
　　“I know. It was funny.”
　　Her mouth twisted down.
　　“Irina and Kate said I should leave you alone. They think I’m annoying you.”
　　“Not at all,” I assured her. “On the contrary, I’m the one who’s being rude—abominably rude. I’m very sorry.”
　　You’re going home, aren’t you? she thought.
　　“I haven’t…entirely…decided that yet.”
　　But you’re not staying here. Her thought was wistful now, sad.
　　“No. It doesn’t seem to be…helping.”
　　She grimaced. “That’s my fault, isn’t it?”
　　“Of course not,” I lied smoothly.
　　Don’t be a gentleman.
　　I smiled.
　　I make you uncomfortable, she accused.
　　“No.”
　　She raised one eyebrow, her expression so disbelieving that I had to laugh. Oneshort laugh, followed by another sigh.
　　“All right,” I admitted. “A little bit.”
　　She sighed, too, and put her chin in her hands. Her thoughts were chagrined.
　　  “You’re a thousand times lovelier than the stars, Tanya. Of course, you’realready well aware of that. Don’t let my stubbornness undermine your confidence.” Ichuckled at the unlikeliness of that.
　　“I’m not used to rejection,” she grumbled, her lower lip pushing out into anattractive pout.
　　“Certainly not,” I agreed, trying with little success to block out her thoughts asshe fleetingly sifted through memories of her thousands of successful conquests. MostlyTanya preferred human men—they were much more populous for one thing, with theadded advantage of being soft and warm. And always eager, definitely.
　　“Succubus,” I teased, hoping to interrupt the images flickering in her head.
　　She grinned, flashing her teeth. “The original.”
　　Unlike Carlisle, Tanya and her sisters had discovered their consciences slowly. Inthe end, it was their fondness for human men that turned the sisters against the slaughter.
　　Now the men they loved…lived.
　　“When you showed up here,” Tanya said slowly. “I thought that…”
　　I’d known what she’d thought. And I should have guessed that she would havefelt that way. But I hadn’t been at my best for analytical thinking in that moment.
　　“You thought that I’d changed my mind.”
　　“Yes.” She scowled.
　　“I feel horrible for toying with your expectations, Tanya. I didn’t mean to—Iwasn’t thinking. It’s just that I left in…quite a hurry.”
　　“I don’t suppose you’d tell me why…?”
　　I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs, curling defensively. “I don’t wantto talk about it.”
　　Tanya, Irina and Kate were very good at this life they’d committed to. Better, insome ways, than even Carlisle. Despite the insanely close proximity they allowedthemselves with those who should be—and once were—their prey, they did not makemistakes. I was too ashamed to admit my weakness to Tanya.
　　“Woman troubles?” she guessed, ignoring my reluctance.
　　  I laughed a bleak laugh. “Not the way you mean it.”
　　She was quiet then. I listened to her thoughts as she ran through differentguesses, tried to decipher the meaning of my words.
　　“You’re not even close,” I told her.
　　“One hint?” she asked.
　　“Please let it go, Tanya.”
　　She was quiet again, still speculating. I ignored her, trying in vain to appreciatethe stars.
　　She gave up after a silent moment, and her thoughts pursued a new direction.
　　Where will you go, Edward, if you leave? Back to Carlisle?
　　“I don’t think so,” I whispered.
　　Where would I go? I could not think of one place on the entire planet that heldany interest for me. There was nothing I wanted to see or do. Because, no matter where Iwent, I would not be going to anywhere—I would only be running from.
　　I hated that. When had I become such a coward?
　　Tanya threw her slender arm around my shoulders. I stiffened, but did not flinchout from under her touch. She meant it as nothing more than friendly comfort. Mostly.
　　“I think that you will go back,” she said, her voice taking on just a hint of her longlost Russian accent. “No matter what it is…or who it is...that is haunting you. You’llface it head on. You’re the type.”
　　Her thoughts were as certain as her words. I tried to embrace the vision of myselfthat she carried in her head. The one who faced things head on. It was pleasant to thinkof myself that way again. I’d never doubted my courage, my ability to face difficulty,before that horrible hour in a high school biology class such a short time ago.
　　I kissed her cheek, pulling back swiftly when she twisted her face toward mine,her lips already puckered. She smiled ruefully at my quickness.
　　“Thank you, Tanya. I needed to hear that.”
　　Her thoughts turned petulant. “You’re welcome, I guess. I wish you would bemore reasonable about things, Edward.”
　　“I’m sorry, Tanya. You know you’re too good for me. I just…haven’t foundwhat I’m looking for yet.”
　　  “Well, if you leave before I see you again…goodbye, Edward.”
　　“Goodbye, Tanya.” As I said the words, I could see it. I could see myselfleaving. Being strong enough to go back to the one place where I wanted to be. “Thanksagain.”
　　She was on her feet in one nimble move, and then she was running away,ghosting across the snow so quickly that her feet had no time to sink into the snow; sheleft no prints behind her. She didn’t look back. My rejection bothered her more thanshe’d let on before, even in her thoughts. She wouldn’t want to see me again before Ileft.
　　My mouth twisted with chagrin. I didn’t like hurting Tanya, though her feelingswere not deep, hardly pure, and, in any case, not something I could return. It still mademe feel less than a gentleman.
　　I put my chin on my knees and stared up at the stars again, though I was suddenlyanxious to be on my way. I knew that Alice would see me coming home, that she wouldtell the others. This would make them happy—Carlisle and Esme especially. But I gazedat the stars for one more moment, trying to see past the face in my head. Between meand the brilliant lights in the sky, a pair of bewildered chocolate-brown eyes stared backat me, seeming to ask what this decision would mean for her. Of course, I couldn’t besure if that was really the information her curious eyes sought. Even in my imagination, Icouldn’t hear her thoughts. Bella Swan’s eyes continued to question, and anunobstructed view of the stars continued to elude me. With a heavy sigh, I gave up, andgot to my feet. If I ran, I would be back to Carlisle’s car in less than an hour…In a hurry to see my family—and wanting very much to be the Edward that facedthings head on—I raced across the starlit snowfield, leaving no footprints.
　　“It’s going to be okay,” Alice breathed. Her eyes were unfocused, and Jasper had onehand lightly under her elbow, guiding her forward as we walked into the rundowncafeteria in a close group. Rosalie and Emmett led the way, Emmett looking ridiculously  like a bodyguard in the middle of hostile territory. Rose looked wary, too, but muchmore irritated than protective.
　　“Of course it is,” I grumbled. Their behavior was ludicrous. If I wasn’t positivethat I could handle this moment, I would have stayed home.
　　The sudden shift from our normal, even playful morning—it had snowed in thenight, and Emmett and Jasper were not above taking advantage of my distraction tobombard me with slushballs; when they got bored with my lack of response, they’dturned on each other—to this overdone vigilance would have been comical if it weren’tso irritating.
　　“She’s not here yet, but the way she’s going to come in…she won’t be downwindif we sit in our regular spot.”
　　“Of course we’ll sit in our regular spot. Stop it, Alice. You’re getting on mynerves. I’ll be absolutely fine.”
　　She blinked once as Jasper helped her into her seat, and her eyes finally focusedon my face.
　　“Hmm,” she said, sounding surprised. “I think you’re right.”
　　“Of course I am,” I muttered.
　　I hated being the focus of their concern. I felt a sudden sympathy for Jasper,remembering all the times we’d hovered protectively over him. He met my glancebriefly, and grinned.
　　Annoying, isn’t it?
　　I grimaced at him.
　　Was it just last week that this long, drab room had seemed so killingly dull to me?
　　That it had seemed almost like sleep, like a coma, to be here?
　　Today my nerves were stretched tight—piano wires, tensed to sing at the lightestpressure. My senses were hyper-alert; I scanned every sound, every sight, everymovement of the air that touched my skin, every thought. Especially the thoughts. Therewas only one sense that I kept locked down, refused to use. Smell, of course. I didn’tbreathe.
　　I was expecting to hear more about the Cullens in the thoughts that I siftedthrough. All day I’d been waiting, searching for whichever new acquaintance Bella Swan might have confided in, trying to see the direction the new gossip would take. Butthere was nothing. No one noticed the five vampires in the cafeteria, just the same asbefore the new girl had come. Several of the humans here were still thinking of that girl,still thinking the same thoughts from last week. Instead of finding this unutterablyboring, I was now fascinated.
　　Had she said nothing to anyone about me?
　　There was no way that she had not noticed my black, murderous glare. I had seenher react to it. Surely, I’d scared her silly. I had been convinced that she would havementioned it to someone, maybe even exaggerated the story a bit to make it better. Givenme a few menacing lines.
　　And then, she’d also heard me trying to get out of our shared biology class. Shemust have wondered, after seeing my expression, whether she were the cause. A normalgirl would have asked around, compared her experience to others, looked for commonground that would explain my behavior so she didn’t feel singled out. Humans wereconstantly desperate to feel normal, to fit in. To blend in with everyone else aroundthem, like a featureless flock of sheep. The need was particularly strong during theinsecure adolescent years. This girl would be no exception to that rule.
　　But no one at all took any notice of us sitting here, at our normal table. Bellamust be exceptionally shy, if she’d confided in no one. Perhaps she had spoken to herfather, maybe that was the strongest relationship…though that seemed unlikely, given thefact that she had spent so little time with him throughout her life. She would be closer toher mother. Still, I would have to pass by Chief Swan sometime soon and listen to whathe was thinking.
　　“Anything new?” Jasper asked.
　　“Nothing. She…must not have said anything.”
　　All of them raised an eyebrow at this news.
　　“Maybe you’re not as scary as you think you are,” Emmett said, chuckling. “I betI could have frightened her better than that.”
　　I rolled my eyes at him.
　　“Wonder why…?” He puzzled again over my revelation about the girl’s uniquesilence.
　　  “We’ve been over that. I don’t know.”
　　“She’s coming in,” Alice murmured then. I felt my body go rigid. “Try to lookhuman.”
　　“Human, you say?” Emmett asked.
　　He held up his right fist, twisting his fingers to reveal the snowball he’d saved inhis palm. Of course it had not melted there. He’d squeezed it into a lumpy block of ice.
　　He had his eyes on Jasper, but I saw the direction of his thoughts. So did Alice, ofcourse. When he abruptly hurled the ice chunk at her, she flicked it away with a casualflutter of her fingers. The ice ricocheted across the length of the cafeteria, too fast to bevisible to human eyes, and shattered with a sharp crack against the brick wall. The brickcracked, too.
　　The heads in that corner of the room all turned to stare at the pile of broken ice onthe floor, and then swiveled to find the culprit. They didn’t look further than a few tablesaway. No one looked at us.
　　“Very human, Emmett,” Rosalie said scathingly. “Why don’t you punch throughthe wall while you’re at it?”
　　“It would look more impressive if you did it, baby.”
　　I tried to pay attention to them, keeping a grin fixed on my face like I was part oftheir banter. I did not allow myself to look toward the line where I knew she wasstanding. But that was all that I was listening to.
　　I could hear Jessica’s impatience with the new girl, who seemed to be distracted,too, standing motionless in the moving line. I saw, in Jessica’s thoughts, that BellaSwan’s cheeks were once more colored bright pink with blood.
　　I pulled in short, shallow breaths, ready to quit breathing if any hint of her scenttouched the air near me.
　　Mike Newton was with the two girls. I heard both his voices, mental and verbal,when he asked Jessica what was wrong with the Swan girl. I didn’t like the way histhoughts wrapped around her, the flicker of already established fantasies that clouded hismind while he watched her start and look up from her reverie like she’d forgotten he wasthere.
　　  “Nothing,” I heard Bella say in that quiet, clear voice. It seemed to ring like a bellover the babble in the cafeteria, but I knew that was just because I was listening for it sointently.
　　“I’ll just get a soda today,” she continued as she moved to catch up with the line.
　　I couldn’t help flickering one glance in her direction. She was staring at the floor,the blood slowly fading from her face. I looked away quickly, to Emmett, who laughedat the now pained-looking smile on my face.
　　You look sick, bro.
　　I rearranged my features so the expression would seem casual and effortless.
　　Jessica was wondering aloud about the girl’s lack of appetite. “Aren’t youhungry?”
　　“Actually, I feel a little sick.” Her voice was lower, but still very clear.
　　Why did it bother me, the protective concern that suddenly emanated from MikeNewton’s thoughts? What did it matter that there was a possessive edge to them? Itwasn’t my business if Mike Newton felt unnecessarily anxious for her. Perhaps this wasthe way everyone responded to her. Hadn’t I wanted, instinctively, to protect her, too?
　　Before I’d wanted to kill her, that is…But was the girl ill?
　　It was hard to judge—she looked so delicate with her translucent skin… Then Irealized that I was worrying, too, just like that dimwitted boy, and I forced myself not tothink about her health.
　　Regardless, I didn’t like monitoring her through Mike’s thoughts. I switched toJessica’s, watching carefully as the three of them chose which table to sit at. Fortunately,they sat with Jessica’s usual companions, at one of the first tables in the room. Notdownwind, just as Alice had promised.
　　Alice elbowed me. She’s going to look soon, act human.
　　I clenched my teeth behind my grin.
　　“Ease up, Edward,” Emmett said. “Honestly. So you kill one human. That’shardly the end of the world.”
　　“You would know,” I murmured.
　　  Emmett laughed. “You’ve got to learn to get over things. Like I do. Eternity is along time to wallow in guilt.”
　　Just then, Alice tossed a smaller handful of ice that she’d been hiding intoEmmett’s unsuspecting face.
　　He blinked, surprised, and then grinned in anticipation.
　　“You asked for it,” he said as he leaned across the table and shook his ice-encrusted hair in her direction. The snow, melting in the warm room, flew out from hishair in a thick shower of half-liquid, half-ice.
　　“Ew!” Rose complained, as she and Alice recoiled from the deluge.
　　Alice laughed, and we all joined in. I could see in Alice’s head how she’dorchestrated this perfect moment, and I knew that the girl—I should stop thinking of herthat way, as if she were the only girl in the world—that Bella would be watching us laughand play, looking as happy and human and unrealistically ideal as a Norman Rockwellpainting.
　　Alice kept laughing, and held her tray up as a shield. The girl—Bella must still bestaring at us.
　　…staring at the Cullens again, someone thought, catching my attention.
　　I looked automatically toward the unintentional call, realizing as my eyes foundtheir destination that I recognized the voice—I’d been listening to it so much today.
　　But my eyes slid right past Jessica, and focused on the girl’s penetrating gaze.
　　She looked down quickly, hiding behind her thick hair again.
　　What was she thinking? The frustration seemed to be getting more acute as timewent on, rather than dulling. I tried—uncertain in what I was doing for I’d never triedthis before—to probe with my mind at the silence around her. My extra hearing hadalways come to me naturally, without asking; I’d never had to work at it. But Iconcentrated now, trying to break through whatever shield surrounded her.
　　Nothing but silence.
　　What is it about her? Jessica thought, echoing my own frustration.
　　“Edward Cullen is staring at you,” she whispered in the Swan girl’s ear, adding agiggle. There was no hint of her jealous irritation in her tone. Jessica seemed to beskilled at feigning friendship.
　　  I listened, too engrossed, to the girl’s response.
　　“He doesn’t look angry, does he?” she whispered back.
　　So she had noticed my wild reaction last week. Of course she had.
　　The question confused Jessica. I saw my own face in her thoughts as she checkedmy expression, but I did not meet her glance. I was still concentrating on the girl, tryingto hear something. My intent focus didn’t seem to be helping at all.
　　“No,” Jess told her, and I knew that she wished she could say yes—how it rankledinside her, my staring—though there was no trace of that in her voice. “Should he be?”
　　“I don’t think he likes me,” the girl whispered back, laying her head down on herarm as if she were suddenly tired. I tried to understand the motion, but I could only makeguesses. Maybe she was tired.
　　“The Cullens don’t like anybody,” Jess reassured her. “Well, they don’t noticeanybody enough to like them.” They never used to. Her thought was a grumble ofcomplaint. “But he’s still staring at you.”
　　“Stop looking at him,” the girl said anxiously, lifting her head from her arm tomake sure Jessica obeyed the order.
　　Jessica giggled, but did as she was asked.
　　The girl did not look away from her table for the rest of the hour. I thought—though, of course, I could not be sure—that this was deliberate. It seemed like shewanted to look at me. Her body would shift slightly in my direction, her chin wouldbegin to turn, and then she would catch herself, take a deep breath, and stare fixedly atwhoever was speaking.
　　I ignored the other thoughts around the girl for the most part, as they were not,momentarily, about her. Mike Newton was planning a snow fight in the parking lot afterschool, not seeming to realize that the snow had already shifted to rain. The flutter ofsoft flakes against the roof had become the more common patter of raindrops. Could hereally not hear the change? It seemed loud to me.
　　When the lunch period ended, I stayed in my seat. The humans filed out, and Icaught myself trying to distinguish the sound of her footsteps from the sound of the rest,as if there was something important or unusual about them. How stupid.
　　My family made no move to leave, either. They waited to see what I would do.
　　  Would I go to class, sit beside the girl where I could smell the absurdly potentscent of her blood and feel the warmth of her pulse in the air on my skin? Was I strongenough for that? Or had I had enough for one day?
　　“I…think it’s okay,” Alice said, hesitant. “Your mind is set. I think you’ll makeit through the hour.”
　　But Alice knew well how quickly a mind could change.
　　“Why push it, Edward?” Jasper asked. Though he didn’t want to feel smug that Iwas the one who was weak now, I could hear that he did, just a little. “Go home. Take itslow.”
　　“What’s the big deal?” Emmett disagreed. “Either he will or he won’t kill her.
　　Might as well get it over with, either way.”
　　“I don’t want to move yet,” Rosalie complained. “I don’t want to start over.
　　We’re almost out of high school, Emmett. Finally.”
　　I was evenly torn on the decision. I wanted, wanted badly, to face this head onrather than running away again. But I didn’t want to push myself too far, either. It hadbeen a mistake last week for Jasper to go so long without hunting; was this just aspointless a mistake?
　　I didn’t want to uproot my family. None of them would thank me for that.
　　But I wanted to go to my biology class. I realized that I wanted to see her faceagain.
　　That’s what decided it for me. That curiosity. I was angry with myself for feelingit. Hadn’t I promised myself that I wouldn’t let the silence of the girl’s mind make meunduly interested in her? And yet, here I was, most unduly interested.
　　I wanted to know what she was thinking. Her mind was closed, but her eyes werevery open. Perhaps I could read them instead.
　　“No, Rose, I think it really will be okay,” Alice said. “It’s…firming up. I’mninety-three percent sure that nothing bad will happen if he goes to class.” She looked atme inquisitively, wondering what had changed in my thoughts that made her vision of thefuture more secure.
　　Would curiosity be enough to keep Bella Swan alive?
　　  Emmett was right, though—why not get it over with, either way? I would facethe temptation head on.
　　“Go to class,” I ordered, pushing away from the table. I turned and strode awayfrom them without looking back. I could hear Alice’s worry, Jasper’s censure, Emmett’sapproval, and Rosalie’s irritation trailing after me.
　　I took one last deep breath at the door of the classroom, and then held it in mylungs as I walked into the small, warm space.
　　I was not late. Mr. Banner was still setting up for today’s lab. The girl sat atmy—at our table, her face down again, staring at the folder she was doodling on. Iexamined the sketch as I approached, interested in even this trivial creation of her mind,but it was meaningless. Just a random scribbling of loops within loops. Perhaps she wasnot concentrating on the pattern, but thinking of something else?
　　I pulled my chair back with unnecessary roughness, letting it scrape across thelinoleum; humans always felt more comfortable when noise announced someone’sapproach.
　　I knew she heard the sound; she did not look up, but her hand missed a loop in thedesign she was drawing, making it unbalanced.
　　Why didn’t she look up? Probably she was frightened. I must be sure to leaveher with a different impression this time. Make her think she’d been imagining thingsbefore.
　　“Hello,” I said in the quiet voice I used when I wanted to make humans morecomfortable, forming a polite smile with my lips that would not show any teeth.
　　She looked up then, her wide brown eyes startled—almost bewildered—and fullof silent questions. It was the same expression that had been obstructing my vision forthe last week.
　　As I stared into those oddly deep brown eyes, I realized that the hate—the hate I’dimagined this girl somehow deserved for simply existing—had evaporated. Notbreathing now, not tasting her scent, it was hard to believe that anyone so vulnerablecould ever justify hatred.
　　Her cheeks began to flush, and she said nothing.
　　  I kept my eyes on hers, focusing only on their questioning depths, and tried toignore the appetizing color of her skin. I had enough breath to speak for a while longerwithout inhaling.
　　“My name is Edward Cullen,” I said, though I knew she knew that. It was thepolite way to begin. “I didn’t have a chance to introduce myself last week. You must beBella Swan.”
　　She seemed confused—there was that little pucker between her eyes again. Ittook her half a second longer than it should have for her to respond.
　　“How do you know my name?” she demanded, and her voice shook just a little.
　　I must have truly terrified her. This made me feel guilty; she was just sodefenseless. I laughed gently—it was a sound that I knew made humans more at ease.
　　Again, I was careful about my teeth.
　　“Oh, I think everyone knows your name.” Surely she must have realized thatshe’d become the center of attention in this monotonous place. “The whole town’s beenwaiting for you to arrive.”
　　She frowned as if this information was unpleasant. I supposed, being shy as sheseemed to be, attention would seem like a bad thing to her. Most humans felt theopposite. Though they didn’t want to stand out from the herd, at the same time theycraved a spotlight for their individual uniformity.
　　“No,” she said. “I meant, why did you call me Bella?”
　　“Do you prefer Isabella?” I asked, perplexed by the fact that I couldn’t see wherethis question was leading. I didn’t understand. Surely, she’d made her preference clearmany times that first day. Were all humans this incomprehensible without the mentalcontext as a guide?
　　“No, I like Bella,” she answered, leaning her head slightly to one side. Herexpression—if I was reading it correctly—was torn between embarrassment andconfusion. “But I think Charlie—I mean my dad—must call me Isabella behind my back.
　　That’s what everyone here seems to know me as.” Her skin darkened one shade pinker.
　　“Oh,” I said lamely, and quickly looked away from her face.
　　  I’d just realized what her questions meant: I had slipped up—made an error. If Ihadn’t been eavesdropping on all the others that first day, then I would have addressedher initially by her full name, just like everyone else. She’d noticed the difference.
　　I felt a pang of unease. It was very quick of her to pick up on my slip. Quiteastute, especially for someone who was supposed to be terrified by my nearness.
　　But I had bigger problems than whatever suspicions about me she might bekeeping locked inside her head.
　　I was out of air. If I were going to speak to her again, I would have to inhale.
　　It would be hard to avoid speaking. Unfortunately for her, sharing this table madeher my lab partner, and we would have to work together today. It would seem odd—andincomprehensibly rude—for me to ignore her while we did the lab. It would make hermore suspicious, more afraid…I leaned as far away from her as I could without moving my seat, twisting myhead out into the aisle. I braced myself, locking my muscles in place, and then sucked inone quick chest-full of air, breathing through my mouth alone.
　　Ahh!
　　It was genuinely painful. Even without smelling her, I could taste her on mytongue. My throat was suddenly in flames again, the craving every bit as strong as thatfirst moment I’d caught her scent last week.
　　I gritted my teeth together and tried to compose myself.
　　“Get started,” Mr. Banner commanded.
　　It felt like it took every single ounce of self-control that I’d achieved in seventyyears of hard work to turn back to the girl, who was staring down at the table, and smile.
　　“Ladies first, partner?” I offered.
　　She looked up at my expression and her face went blank, her eyes wide. Wasthere something off in my expression? Was she frightened again? She didn’t speak.
　　“Or, I could start, if you wish,” I said quietly.
　　“No,” she said, and her face went from white to red again. “I’ll go first.”
　　I stared at the equipment on the table, the battered microscope, the box of slides,rather than watch the blood swirl under her clear skin. I took another quick breath,through my teeth, and winced as the taste made my throat ache.
　　  “Prophase,” she said after a quick examination. She started to remove the slide,though she’d barely examined it.
　　“Do you mind if I look?” Instinctively—stupidly, as if I were one of her kind—Ireached out to stop her hand from removing the slide. For one second, the heat of herskin burned into mine. It was like an electric pulse—surely much hotter than a mereninety-eight point six degrees. The heat shot through my hand and up my arm. Sheyanked her hand out from under mine.
　　“I’m sorry,” I muttered through my clenched teeth. Needing somewhere to look, Igrasped the microscope and stared briefly into the eyepiece. She was right.
　　“Prophase,” I agreed.
　　I was still too unsettled to look at her. Breathing as quietly as I could through mygritted teeth and trying to ignore the fiery thirst, I concentrated on the simple assignment,writing the word on the appropriate line on the lab sheet, and then switching out the firstslide for the next.
　　What was she thinking now? What had that felt like to her, when I had touchedher hand? My skin must have been ice cold—repulsive. No wonder she was so quiet.
　　I glanced at the slide.
　　“Anaphase,” I said to myself as I wrote it on the second line.
　　“May I?” she asked.
　　I looked up at her, surprised to see that she was waiting expectantly, one handhalf-stretched toward the microscope. She didn’t look afraid. Did she really think I’dgotten the answer wrong?
　　I couldn’t help but smile at the hopeful look on her face as I slid the microscopetoward her.
　　She stared into the eyepiece with an eagerness that quickly faded. The corners ofher mouth turned down.
　　“Slide three?” she asked, not looking up from the microscope, but holding out herhand. I dropped the next slide into her hand, not letting my skin come anywhere close tohers this time. Sitting beside her was like sitting next to a heat lamp. I could feel myselfwarming slightly to the higher temperature.
　　  She did not look at the slide for long. “Interphase,” she said nonchalantly—perhaps trying a little too hard to sound that way—and pushed the microscope to me.
　　She did not touch the paper, but waited for me to write the answer. I checked—she wascorrect again.
　　We finished this way, speaking one word at a time and never meeting each other’seyes. We were the only ones done—the others in the class were having a harder timewith the lab. Mike Newton seemed to be having trouble concentrating—he was trying towatch Bella and me.
　　Wish he’d stayed wherever he went, Mike thought, eyeing me sulfurously. Hmm,interesting. I hadn’t realized the boy harbored any ill will towards me. This was a newdevelopment, about as recent as the girl’s arrival it seemed. Even more interesting, Ifound—to my surprise—that the feeling was mutual.
　　I looked down at the girl again, bemused by the wide range of havoc and upheavalthat, despite her ordinary, unthreatening appearance, she was wreaking on my life.
　　It wasn’t that I couldn’t see what Mike was going on about. She was actuallyrather pretty…in an unusual way. Better than being beautiful, her face was interesting.
　　Not quite symmetrical—her narrow chin out of balance with her wide cheekbones;extreme in the coloring—the light and dark contrast of her skin and her hair; and thenthere were the eyes, brimming over with silent secrets…Eyes that were suddenly boring into mine.
　　I stared back at her, trying to guess even one of those secrets.
　　“Did you get contacts?” she asked abruptly.
　　What a strange question. “No.” I almost smiled at the idea of improving myeyesight.
　　“Oh,” she mumbled. “I thought there was something different about your eyes.”
　　I felt suddenly colder again as I realized that I was apparently not the only oneattempting to ferret out secrets today.
　　I shrugged, my shoulders stiff, and glared straight ahead to where the teacher wasmaking his rounds.
　　Of course there was something different about my eyes since the last time she’dstared into them. To prepare myself for today’s ordeal, today’s temptation, I’d spent the  entire weekend hunting, satiating my thirst as much as possible, overdoing it really. I’dglutted myself on the blood of animals, not that it made much difference in the face of theoutrageous flavor floating on the air around her. When I’d glared at her last, my eyes hadbeen black with thirst. Now, my body swimming with blood, my eyes were a warmergold. Light amber from my excessive attempt at thirst-quenching.
　　Another slip. If I’d seen what she’d meant with her question, I could have justtold her yes.
　　I’d sat beside humans for two years now at this school, and she was the first toexamine me closely enough to note the change in my eye color. The others, whileadmiring the beauty of my family, tended to look down quickly when we returned theirstares. They shied away, blocking the details of our appearances in an instinctiveendeavor to keep themselves from understanding. Ignorance was bliss to the humanmind.
　　Why did it have to be this girl who would see too much?
　　Mr. Banner approached our table. I gratefully inhaled the gush of clean air hebrought with him before it could mix with her scent.
　　“So, Edward,” he said, looking over our answers, “didn’t you think Isabellashould get a chance with the microscope?”
　　“Bella,” I corrected him reflexively. “Actually, she identified three of the five.”
　　Mr. Banner’s thoughts were skeptical as he turned to look at the girl. “Have youdone this lab before?”
　　I watched, engrossed, as she smiled, looking slightly embarrassed.
　　“Not with onion root.”
　　“Whitefish blastula?” Mr. Banner probed.
　　“Yeah.”
　　This surprised him. Today’s lab was something he’d pulled from a moreadvanced course. He nodded thoughtfully at the girl. “Were you in an advancedplacement program in Phoenix?”
　　“Yes.”
　　She was advanced then, intelligent for a human. This did not surprise me.
　　  “Well,” Mr. Banner said, pursing his lips. “I guess it’s good you two are labpartners.” He turned and walked away mumbling, “So the other kids can get a chance tolearn something for themselves,” under his breath. I doubted the girl could hear that.
　　She began scrawling loops across her folder again.
　　Two slips so far in one half hour. A very poor showing on my part. Though I hadno idea at all what the girl thought of me—how much did she fear, how much did shesuspect?—I knew I needed to put forth a better effort to leave her with a new impressionof me. Something to better drown her memories of our ferocious last encounter.
　　“It’s too bad about the snow, isn’t it?” I said, repeating the small talk that I’dheard a dozen students discuss already. A boring, standard topic of conversation. Theweather—always safe.
　　She stared at me with obvious doubt in her eyes—an abnormal reaction to myvery normal words. “Not really,” she said, surprising me again.
　　I tried to steer the conversation back to trite paths. She was from a much brighter,warmer place—her skin seemed to reflect that somehow, despite its fairness—and thecold must make her uncomfortable. My icy touch certainly had…“You don’t like the cold,” I guessed.
　　“Or the wet,” she agreed.
　　“Forks must be a difficult place for you to live.” Perhaps you should not havecome here, I wanted to add. Perhaps you should go back where you belong.
　　I wasn’t sure I wanted that, though. I would always remember the scent of herblood—was there any guarantee that I wouldn’t eventually follow after her? Besides, ifshe left, her mind would forever remain a mystery. A constant, nagging puzzle.
　　“You have no idea,” she said in a low voice, glowering past me for a moment.
　　Her answers were never what I expected. They made me want to ask morequestions.
　　“Why did you come here, then?” I demanded, realizing instantly that my tone wastoo accusatory, not casual enough for the conversation. The question sounded rude,prying.
　　“It’s…complicated.”
　　  She blinked her wide eyes, leaving it at that, and I nearly imploded out ofcuriosity—the curiosity burned as hot as the thirst in my throat. Actually, I found that itwas getting slightly easier to breathe; the agony was becoming more bearable throughfamiliarity.
　　“I think I can keep up,” I insisted. Perhaps common courtesy would keep heranswering my questions as long as I was rude enough to ask them.
　　She stared down silently at her hands. This made me impatient; I wanted to putmy hand under her chin and tilt her head up so that I could read her eyes. But it would befoolish of me—dangerous—to touch her skin again.
　　She looked up suddenly. It was a relief to be able to see the emotions in her eyesagain. She spoke in a rush, hurrying through the words.
　　“My mother got remarried.”
　　Ah, this was human enough, easy to understand. Sadness passed through herclear eyes and brought the pucker back between them.
　　“That doesn’t sound so complex,” I said. My voice was gentle without myworking to make it that way. Her sadness left me feeling oddly helpless, wishing therewas something I could do to make her feel better. A strange impulse. “When did thathappen?”
　　“Last September.” She exhaled heavily—not quite a sigh. I held my breath asher warm breath brushed my face.
　　“And you don’t like him,” I guessed, fishing for more information.
　　“No, Phil is fine,” she said, correcting my assumption. There was a hint of asmile now around the corners of her full lips. “Too young, maybe, but nice enough.”
　　This didn’t fit with the scenario I’d been constructing in my head.
　　“Why didn’t you stay with them?” I asked, my voice a little too curious. Itsounded like I was being nosy. Which I was, admittedly.
　　“Phil travels a lot. He plays ball for a living.” The little smile grew morepronounced; this career choice amused her.
　　I smiled, too, without choosing to. I wasn’t trying to make her feel at ease. Hersmile just made me want to smile in response—to be in on the secret.
　　  “Have I heard of him?” I ran through the rosters of professional ball players inmy head, wondering which Phil was hers…“Probably not. He doesn’t play well.” Another smile. “Strictly minor league.
　　He moves around a lot.”
　　The rosters in my head shifted instantly, and I’d tabulated a list of possibilities inless than a second. At the same time, I was imagining the new scenario.
　　“And your mother sent you here so that she could travel with him,” I said.
　　Making assumptions seemed to get more information out of her than questions did. Itworked again. Her chin jutted out, and her expression was suddenly stubborn.
　　“No, she did not send me here,” she said, and her voice had a new, hard edge to it.
　　My assumption had upset her, though I couldn’t quite see how. “I sent myself.”
　　I could not guess at her meaning, or the source behind her pique. I was entirelylost.
　　So I gave up. There was just no making sense of the girl. She wasn’t like otherhumans. Maybe the silence of her thoughts and the perfume of her scent were not theonly unusual things about her.
　　“I don’t understand,” I admitted, hating to concede.
　　She sighed, and stared into my eyes for longer than most normal humans wereable to stand.
　　“She stayed with me at first, but she missed him,” she explained slowly, her tonegrowing more forlorn with each word. “It made her unhappy…so I decided it was timeto spend some quality time with Charlie.”
　　The tiny pucker between her eyes deepened.
　　“But now you’re unhappy,” I murmured. I couldn’t seem to stop speaking myhypotheses aloud, hoping to learn from her reactions. This one, however, did not seem asfar off the mark.
　　“And?” she said, as if this was not even an aspect to be considered.
　　I continued to stare into her eyes, feeling that I’d finally gotten my first realglimpse into her soul. I saw in that one word where she ranked herself among her ownpriorities. Unlike most humans, her own needs were far down the list.
　　She was selfless.
　　  As I saw this, the mystery of the person hiding inside this quiet mind began tothin a little.
　　“That doesn’t seem fair,” I said. I shrugged, trying to seem casual, trying toconceal the intensity of my curiosity.
　　She laughed, but there was no amusement the sound. “Hasn’t anyone ever toldyou? Life isn’t fair.”
　　I wanted to laugh at her words, though I, too, felt no real amusement. I knew alittle something about the unfairness of life. “I believe I have heard that somewherebefore.”
　　She stared back at me, seeming confused again. Her eyes flickered away, andthen came back to mine.
　　“So that’s all,” she told me.
　　But I was not ready to let this conversation end. The little V between her eyes, aremnant of her sorrow, bothered me. I wanted to smooth it away with my fingertip. But,of course, I could not touch her. It was unsafe in so many ways.
　　“You put on a good show.” I spoke slowly, still considering this next hypothesis.
　　“But I’d be willing to bet that you’re suffering more than you let anyone see.”
　　She made a face, her eyes narrowing and her mouth twisting into a lopsided pout,and she looked back towards the front of the class. She didn’t like it when I guessedright. She wasn’t the average martyr—she didn’t want an audience to her pain.
　　“Am I wrong?”
　　She flinched slightly, but otherwise pretended not to hear me.
　　That made me smile. “I didn’t think so.”
　　“Why does it matter to you?” she demanded, still staring away.
　　“That’s a very good question,” I admitted, more to myself than to answer her.
　　Her discernment was better than mine—she saw right to the core of things while Ifloundered around the edges, sifting blindly through clues. The details of her very humanlife should not matter to me. It was wrong for me to care what she thought. Beyondprotecting my family from suspicion, human thoughts were not significant.
　　I was not used to being the less intuitive of any pairing. I relied on my extrahearing too much—I clearly was not as perceptive as I gave myself credit for.
　　  The girl sighed and glowered toward the front of the classroom. Something abouther frustrated expression was humorous. The whole situation, the whole conversationwas humorous. No one had ever been in more danger from me than this little girl—atany moment I might, distracted by my ridiculous absorption in the conversation, inhalethrough my nose and attack her before I could stop myself—and she was irritated becauseI hadn’t answered her question.
　　“Am I annoying you?” I asked, smiling at the absurdity of it all.
　　She glanced at me quickly, and then her eyes seemed to get trapped by my gaze.
　　“Not exactly,” she told me. “I’m more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy toread—my mother always calls me her open book.”
　　She frowned, disgruntled.
　　I stared at her in amazement. The reason she was upset was because she thought Isaw through her too easily. How bizarre. I’d never expended so much effort tounderstand someone in all my life—or rather existence, as life was hardly the right word.
　　I did not truly have a life.
　　“On the contrary,” I disagreed, feeling strangely…wary, as if there were somehidden danger here that I was failing to see. I was suddenly on edge, the premonitionmaking me anxious. “I find you very difficult to read.”
　　“You must be a good reader then,” she guessed, making her own assumption thatwas, again, right on target.
　　“Usually,” I agreed.
　　I smiled at her widely then, letting my lips pull back to expose the rows ofgleaming, razor sharp teeth behind them.
　　It was a stupid thing to do, but I was abruptly, unexpectedly desperate to get somekind of warning through to the girl. Her body was closer to me than before, havingshifted unconsciously in the course of our conversation. All the little markers and signsthat were sufficient to scare off the rest of humanity did not seem to be working on her.
　　Why did she not cringe away from me in terror? Surely she had seen enough of mydarker side to realize the danger, intuitive as she seemed to be.
　　  I didn’t get to see if my warning had the intended effect. Mr. Banner called forthe class’s attention just then, and she turned away from me at once. She seemed a littlerelieved for the interruption, so maybe she understood unconsciously.
　　I hoped she did.
　　I recognized the fascination growing inside me, even as I tried to root it out. Icould not afford to find Bella Swan interesting. Or rather, she could not afford that.
　　Already, I was anxious for another chance to talk to her. I wanted to know more abouther mother, her life before she came here, her relationship with her father. All themeaningless details that would flesh out her character further. But every second I spentwith her was a mistake, a risk she shouldn’t have to take.
　　Absentmindedly, she tossed her thick hair just at the moment that I allowedmyself another breath. A particularly concentrated wave of her scent hit the back of mythroat.
　　It was like the first day—like the wrecking ball. The pain of the burning drynessmade me dizzy. I had to grasp the table again to keep myself in my seat. This time I hadslightly more control. I didn’t break anything, at least. The monster growled inside me,but took no pleasure in my pain. He was too tightly bound. For the moment.
　　I stopped breathing altogether, and leaned as far from the girl as I could.
　　No, I could not afford to find her fascinating. The more interesting I found her,the more likely it was that I would kill her. I’d already made two minor slips today.
　　Would I make a third, one that was not minor?
　　As soon as the bell sounded, I fled from the classroom—probably destroyingwhatever impression of politeness I’d halfway constructed in the course of the hour.
　　Again, I gasped at the clean, wet air outside like it was a healing attar. I hurried to put asmuch distance between myself and the girl as was possible.
　　Emmett waited for me outside the door of our Spanish class. He read my wildexpression for a moment.
　　How did it go? he wondered warily.
　　“Nobody died,” I mumbled.
　　I guess that’s something. When I saw Alice ditching there at the end, I thought…  As we walked into the classroom, I saw his memory from just a few momentsago, seen through the open door of his last class: Alice walking briskly and blank-facedacross the grounds toward the science building. I felt his remembered urge to get up andjoin her, and then his decision to stay. If Alice needed his help, she would ask…I closed my eyes in horror and disgust as I slumped into my seat. “I hadn’trealized that it was that close. I didn’t think I was going to…I didn’t see that it was thatbad,” I whispered.
　　It wasn’t, he reassured me. Nobody died, right?
　　“Right,” I said through my teeth. “Not this time.”
　　Maybe it will get easier.
　　“Sure.”
　　Or, maybe you kill her. He shrugged. You wouldn’t be the first one to mess up.
　　No one would judge you too harshly. Sometimes a person just smells too good. I’mimpressed you’ve lasted this long.
　　“Not helping, Emmett.”
　　I was revolted by his acceptance of the idea that I would kill the girl, that this wassomehow inevitable. Was it her fault that she smelled so good?
　　I know when it happened to me…, he reminisced, taking me back with him half acentury, to a country lane at dusk, where a middle-aged women was taking her driedsheets down from a line strung between apple trees. The scent of apples hung heavy inthe air—the harvest was over and the rejected fruits were scattered on the ground, thebruises in their skin leaking their fragrance out in thick clouds. A fresh-mowed field ofhay was a background to that scent, a harmony. He walked up the lane, all but obliviousto the woman, on an errand for Rosalie. The sky was purple overhead, orange over thewestern trees. He would have continued up the meandering cart path and there wouldhave been no reason to remember the evening, except that a sudden night breeze blew thewhite sheets out like sails and fanned the woman’s scent across Emmett’s face.
　　“Ah,” I groaned quietly. As if my own remembered thirst was not enough.
　　I know. I didn’t last half a second. I didn’t even think about resisting.
　　His memory became far too explicit for me to stand.
　　I jumped to my feet, my teeth locked hard enough cut through steel.
　　  “Esta bien, Edward?” Senora Goff asked, startled by my sudden movement. Icould see my face in her mind, and I knew that I looked far from well.
　　“Me perdona,” I muttered, as I darted for the door.
　　“Emmett—por favor, puedas tu ayuda a tu hermano?” she asked, gesturinghelplessly toward me as I rushed out of the room.
　　“Sure,” I heard him say. And then he was right behind me.
　　He followed me to the far side of the building, where he caught up to me and puthis hand on my shoulder.
　　I shoved his hand away with unnecessary force. It would have shattered thebones in a human hand, and the bones in the arm attached to it.
　　“Sorry, Edward.”
　　“I know.” I drew in deep gasps of air, trying to clear my head and my lungs.
　　“Is it as bad as that?” he asked, trying not to think of the scent and the flavor ofhis memory as he asked, and not quite succeeding.
　　“Worse, Emmett, worse.”
　　He was quiet for a moment.
　　Maybe…“No, it would not be better if I got it over with. Go back to class, Emmett. I wantto be alone.”
　　He turned without another word or thought and walked quickly away. He wouldtell the Spanish teacher that I was sick, or ditching, or a dangerously out of controlvampire. Did his excuse really matter? Maybe I wasn’t coming back. Maybe I had toleave.
　　I went to my car again, to wait for school to end. To hide. Again.
　　I should have spent the time making decisions or trying to bolster my resolve, but,like an addict, I found myself searching through the babble of thoughts emanating fromthe school buildings. The familiar voices stood out, but I wasn’t interested in listening toAlice’s visions or Rosalie’s complaints right now. I found Jessica easily, but the girl wasnot with her, so I continued searching. Mike Newton’s thoughts caught my attention, andI located her at last, in gym with him. He was unhappy, because I’d spoken to her todayin biology. He was running over her response when he’d brought the subject up…  I’ve never seen him actually talk to anyone for more than a word here or there.
　　Of course he would decide to find Bella interesting. I don’t like the way he looks at her.
　　But she didn’t seem too excited about him. What did she say? ‘Wonder what was withhim last Monday.’ Something like that. Didn’t sound like she cared. It couldn’t havebeen much of a conversation…He talked himself out of his pessimism in that way, cheered by the idea that Bellahad not been interested in her exchange with me. This annoyed me quite a bit more thanwas acceptable, so I stopped listening to him.
　　I put a CD of violent music into the stereo, and then turned it up until it drownedout other voices. I had to concentrate on the music very hard to keep myself fromdrifting back to Mike Newton’s thoughts, to spy on the unsuspecting girl…I cheated a few times, as the hour drew to a close. Not spying, I tried to convincemyself. I was just preparing. I wanted to know exactly when she would leave the gym,when she would be in the parking lot. I didn’t want her to take me by surprise.
　　As the students started to file out of the gym doors, I got out of my car, not surewhy I did it. The rain was light—I ignored it as it slowly saturated my hair.
　　Did I want her to see me here? Did I hope she would come to speak to me? Whatwas I doing?
　　I didn’t move, though I tried to convince myself to get back in the car, knowingmy behavior was reprehensible. I kept my arms folded across my chest and breathedvery shallowly as I watched her walk slowly toward me, her mouth turning down at thecorners. She didn’t look at me. A few times she glanced up at the clouds with a grimace,as if they offended her.
　　I was disappointed when she reached her car before she had to pass me. Wouldshe have spoken to me? Would I have spoken to her?
　　She got into a faded red Chevy truck, a rusted behemoth that was older than herfather. I watched her start the truck—the old engine roared louder than any other vehiclein the lot—and then hold her hands out toward the heating vents. The cold wasuncomfortable to her—she didn’t like it. She combed her fingers through her thick hair,pulling locks through the stream of hot air like she was trying to dry them. I imaginedwhat the cab of that truck would smell like, and then quickly drove out the thought.
　　  She glanced around as she prepared to back out, and finally looked in mydirection. She stared back at me for only half a second, and all I could read in her eyeswas surprise before she tore her eyes away and jerked the truck into reverse. And thensquealed to a stop again, the back end of the truck missing a collision with Erin Teague’scompact by mere inches.
　　She stared into her rearview mirror, her mouth hanging open with chagrin. Whenthe other car had pulled past her, she checked all her blind spots twice and then inchedout the parking space so cautiously that it made me grin. It was like she thought she wasdangerous in her decrepit truck.
　　The thought of Bella Swan being dangerous to anyone, no matter what she wasdriving, had me laughing while the girl drove past me, staring straight ahead.　　第二章：打开的书我仰面朝天，躺在柔软的雪地上，落在我身上的雪粉堆垒成人形。我的皮肤和周围空气一样冷，那铺在我身下的细小的冰块感觉就像天鹅绒一般。
　　我头顶的天空是那么清澈，闪烁着星光，时而深蓝，时而橘黄，忽明忽暗。在黑暗的天幕上，旋转的星辰造就出一幅壮丽、雄伟的景象——令人敬畏的风景。美丽绝伦。更确切地说，它应该是美丽绝伦的，如果我能去看，如果我能好好地看一看。
　　情况并没有好转。六天过去了，我躲在这空旷的德纳利原野已经六天了。我依然没有获得自由，从我被那香气捕获的那一瞬间起，我就成了它的囚徒。
　　我仰望那宝石般的天空，在我的眼睛和它们的美丽中间，似乎隔着什么。那是一张脸，一张普普通通的人类的脸，然而我并不能够将它从我脑海中彻底驱逐出境。
　　在听到脚步声之前，我已经听到有想法正向我靠近。在簌簌的飘雪中，那移动的脚步声微弱得就像风的低语。
　　坦妮娅尾随我而来，我对此并不感到惊讶。我知道在过去几天里，她反复考虑着要和我谈一谈。她把这场谈话拖延下来，直到她完全确定自己想要说什么。
　　她在离我六十码远的地方出现了，跳到一块从地面突起的黑色岩石的顶端，灵敏地用双腿使自己保持平衡。
　　坦妮娅的皮肤在星光下闪烁着银色光芒，长长的淡黄色的卷发散发出苍白的光芒，上面一绺挑染成一抹莓红色。当她看到我有一半身体都埋进雪中时，琥珀色的眼睛一闪一闪的，丰满的嘴唇缓缓绽开一抹微笑。
　　美丽绝伦。如果我能够好好的看一看她。我叹息了一声。
　　她在岩石尖上屈膝蹲下，手指抚摸着石头，身子蜷曲成一团。
　　（加农炮，）她想道。
　　她纵身跳向半空，当她优雅地在我和星空之间旋转时，看上去就像是一个暗淡的盘旋的影子。
　　她将身体蜷缩成球状，袭向我身后软融融的积雪。
　　一阵暴风雪扬起，裹住了我。星空变得一片昏黑，我被深深地埋进那柔软如羽毛般的冰晶中。
　　我叹息一声，却一动不动，任由自己埋在雪中，雪下的黑暗并没有让那景象改变多少。我依然能看到那张脸庞。
　　“爱德华？”
　　雪花又再度扬起，坦妮娅飞快地把我从雪堆里挖出来。她拂去我脸上的雪花，不让目光和我接触。
　　“对不起，”她低语，“只是开个玩笑。”
　　“我知道，那很好玩。”
　　 她的嘴角往下沉。
　　“伊莲娜和凯特说我应该让你一个人待着。她们觉得我会打扰到你。”
　　“没有。”我宽慰她说。“相反，我才是那个无礼的人——非常无礼。我很抱歉。”
　　（你打算回家了，是吗？）她想道。
　　“不，我还没有……完全决定。”
　　（但你也不会留在这儿。）现在，她的心情变得惆怅，伤感。
　　“不，这好像没有什么帮助”
　　她做了个鬼脸。“都是我的错，对吗？”
　　“当然不是。”我不动声色地撒了个谎。
　　（别那么绅士。）我微笑了。
　　（我让你感到不自在。）她在自责。
　　“不。”
　　她挑了挑眉，一脸不相信的表情，让我笑了。可只是笑了一声，又再度叹息。
　　“好吧，”我承认，“是有一点儿。”
　　她也叹了口气，用手托住下巴。她感到懊恼。
　　“你比星辰可爱千万倍，坦妮娅。当然，你已经充分意识到了。不要让我的固执削弱你的自信。”那不大可能，我轻声一笑。
　　“我不习惯被拒绝。”她咕哝道，她撅起嘴唇的样子很诱人。
　　“当然。”我同意道。当她脑中飞快掠过那数以千计的征服回忆时，我成功地将它们屏蔽掉。
　　通常坦妮娅会优先选择人类的男性——首先他们人口众多，更大的优势是，他们柔软而温暖。
　　而且总是热情澎湃。
　　“女妖。”我取笑她说，希望这样能够打断她脑子里闪现的图景。
　　她露齿一笑，牙
Chapter 3 Phenomenon
Truly, I was not thirsty, but I decided to hunt again that night. A small ounce ofprevention, inadequate though I knew it to be.
　　Carlisle came with me; we hadn’t been alone together since I’d returned fromDenali. As we ran through the black forest, I heard him thinking about that hastygoodbye last week.
　　In his memory, I saw the way my features had been twisted in fierce despair. Ifelt his surprise and sudden worry.
　　“Edward?”
　　“I have to go, Carlisle. I have to go now.”
　　“What’s happened?”
　　“Nothing. Yet. But it will, if I stay.”
　　He’d reached for my arm. I felt how it had hurt him when I’d cringed away fromhis hand.
　　“I don’t understand.”
　　“Have you ever…has there ever been a time…”
　　I watched myself take a deep breath, saw the wild light in my eyes through thefilter of his deep concern.
　　“Has any one person ever smelled better to you than the rest of them? Muchbetter?”
　　“Oh.”
　　When I’d known that he understood, my face had fallen with shame. He’dreached out to touch me, ignoring it when I’d recoiled again, and left his hand on myshoulder.
　　“Do what you must to resist, son. I will miss you. Here, take my car. It’sfaster.”
　　He was wondering now if he’d done the right thing then, sending me away.
　　Wondering if he hadn’t hurt me with his lack of trust.
　　  “No,” I whispered as I ran. “That was what I needed. I might so easily havebetrayed that trust, if you’d told me to stay.”
　　“I’m sorry you’re suffering, Edward. But you should do what you can to keep theSwan child alive. Even if it means that you must leave us again.”
　　“I know, I know.”
　　“Why did you come back? You know how happy I am to have you here, but ifthis is too difficult…”
　　“I didn’t like feeling a coward,” I admitted.
　　We’d slowed—we were barely jogging through the darkness now.
　　“Better that than to put her in danger. She’ll be gone in a year or two.”
　　“You’re right, I know that.” Contrarily, though, his words only made me moreanxious to stay. The girl would be gone in a year or two…Carlisle stopped running and I stopped with him; he turned to examine myexpression.
　　But you’re not going to run, are you?
　　I hung my head.
　　Is it pride, Edward? There’s no shame in—“No, it isn’t pride that keeps me here. Not now.”
　　Nowhere to go?
　　I laughed shortly. “No. That wouldn’t stop me, if I could make myself leave.”
　　“We’ll come with you, of course, if that’s what you need. You only have to ask.
　　You’ve moved on without complaint for the rest of them. They won’t begrudge youthis.”
　　I raised one eyebrow.
　　He laughed. “Yes, Rosalie might, but she owes you. Anyway, it’s much betterfor us to leave now, no damage done, than for us to leave later, after a life has beenended.” All humor was gone by the end.
　　I flinched at his words.
　　“Yes,” I agreed. My voice sounded hoarse.
　　But you’re not leaving?
　　I sighed. “I should.”
　　  “What holds you here, Edward? I’m failing to see…”
　　“I don’t know if I can explain.” Even to myself, it made no sense.
　　He measured my expression for a long moment.
　　No, I do not see. But I will respect your privacy, if you prefer.
　　“Thank you. It’s generous of you, seeing as how I give privacy to no one.” Withone exception. And I was doing what I could to deprive her of that, wasn’t I?
　　We all have our quirks. He laughed again. Shall we?
　　He’d just caught the scent of a small herd of deer. It was hard to rally muchenthusiasm for what was, even under the best of circumstances, a less thanmouthwatering aroma. Right now, with the memory of the girl’s blood fresh in my mind,the smell actually turned my stomach.
　　I sighed. “Let’s,” I agreed, though I knew that forcing more blood down mythroat would help so little.
　　We both shifted into a hunting crouch and let the unappealing scent pull ussilently forward.
　　It was colder when we returned home. The melted snow had refrozen; it was as if a thinsheet of glass covered everything—each pine needle, each fern frond, each blade of grasswas iced over.
　　While Carlisle went to dress for his early shift at the hospital, I stayed by theriver, waiting for the sun to rise. I felt almost swollen from the amount of blood I’dconsumed, but I knew the lack of actual thirst would mean little when I sat beside the girlagain.
　　Cool and motionless as the stone I sat on, I stared at the dark water running besidethe icy bank, stared right through it.
　　Carlisle was right. I should leave Forks. They could spread some story to explainmy absence. Boarding school in Europe. Visiting distant relatives. Teenage runaway.
　　The story didn’t matter. No one would question too intensely.
　　  It was just a year or two, and then the girl would disappear. She would go on withher life—she would have a life to go on with. She’d go to college somewhere, get older,start a career, perhaps marry someone. I could picture that—I could see the girl dressedall in white and walking at a measured pace, her arm through her father’s.
　　It was odd, the pain that image caused me. I couldn’t understand it. Was Ijealous, because she had a future that I could never have? That made no sense. Everyone of the humans around me had that same potential ahead of them—a life—and I rarelystopped to envy them.
　　I should leave her to her future. Stop risking her life. That was the right thing todo. Carlisle always chose the right way. I should listen to him now.
　　The sun rose behind the clouds, and the faint light glistened off all the frozenglass.
　　One more day, I decided. I would see her one more time. I could handle that.
　　Perhaps I would mention my pending disappearance, set the story up.
　　This was going to be difficult; I could feel that in the heavy reluctance that wasalready making me think of excuses to stay—to extend the deadline to two days, three,four… But I would do the right thing. I knew I could trust Carlisle’s advice. And I alsoknew that I was too conflicted to make the right decision alone.
　　Much too conflicted. How much of this reluctance came from my obsessivecuriosity, and how much came from my unsatisfied appetite?
　　I went inside to change into fresh clothes for school.
　　Alice was waiting for me, sitting on the top step at the edge of the third floor.
　　You’re leaving again, she accused me.
　　I sighed and nodded.
　　I can’t see where you’re going this time.
　　“I don’t know where I’m going yet,” I whispered.
　　I want you to stay.
　　I shook my head.
　　Maybe Jazz and I could come with you?
　　“They’ll need you all the more, if I’m not here to watch out for them. And thinkof Esme. Would you take half her family away in one blow?”
　　  You’re going to make her so sad.
　　“I know. That’s why you have to stay.”
　　That’s not the same as having you here, and you know it.
　　“Yes. But I have to do what’s right.”
　　There are many right ways, and many wrong ways, though, aren’t there?
　　For a brief moment she was swept away into one of her strange visions; I watchedalong with her as the indistinct images flickered and whirled. I saw myself mixed in withstrange shadows that I couldn’t make out—hazy, imprecise forms. And then, suddenly,my skin was glittering in the bright sunlight of a small open meadow. This was a place Iknew. There was a figure in the meadow with me, but, again, it was indistinct, not thereenough to recognize. The images shivered and disappeared as a million tiny choicesrearranged the future again.
　　“I didn’t catch much of that,” I told her when the vision went dark.
　　Me either. Your future is shifting around so much I can’t keep up with any of it. Ithink, though…She stopped, and she flipped through a vast collection of other recent visions forme. They were all the same—blurry and vague.
　　“I think something is changing, though,” she said out loud. “Your life seems to beat a crossroads.”
　　I laughed grimly. “You do realize that you sound like a bogus gypsy at a carnivalnow, right?”
　　She stuck her tiny tongue out at me.
　　“Today is all right, though, isn’t it?” I asked, my voice abruptly apprehensive.
　　“I don’t see you killing anyone today,” she assured me.
　　“Thanks, Alice.”
　　“Go get dressed. I won’t say anything—I’ll let you tell the others when you’reready.”
　　She stood and darted back down the stairs, her shoulders hunched slightly. Missyou. Really.
　　Yes, I would really miss her, too.
　　  It was a quiet ride to school. Jasper could tell that Alice was upset aboutsomething, but he knew that if she wanted to talk about it she would have done soalready. Emmett and Rosalie were oblivious, having another of their moments, gazinginto each others’ eyes with wonder—it was rather disgusting to watch from the outside.
　　We were all quite aware how desperately in love they were. Or maybe I was just beingbitter because I was the only one alone. Some days it was harder than others to live withthree sets of perfectly matched lovers. This was one of them.
　　Maybe they would all be happier without me hanging around, ill-tempered andbelligerent as the old man I should be by now.
　　Of course, the first thing I did when we reached the school was to look for thegirl. Just preparing myself again.
　　Right.
　　It was embarrassing how my world suddenly seemed to be empty of everythingbut her—my whole existence centered around the girl, rather than around myselfanymore.
　　It was easy enough to understand, though, really; after eighty years of the samething every day and every night, any change became a point of absorption.
　　She had not yet arrived, but could I hear the thunderous chugging of her truck’sengine in the distance. I leaned against the side of the car to wait. Alice stayed with me,while the others went straight to class. They were bored with my fixation—it wasincomprehensible to them how any human could hold my interest for so long, no matterhow delicious she smelled.
　　The girl drove slowly into view, her eyes intent on the road and her hands tight onthe wheel. She seemed anxious about something. It took me a second to figure out whatthat something was, to realize that every human wore the same expression today. Ah, theroad was slick with ice, and they were all trying to drive more carefully. I could see shewas taking the added risk seriously.
　　That seemed in line with what little I had learned of her character. I added this tomy small list: she was a serious person, a responsible person.
　　She parked not too far from me, but she hadn’t noticed me standing here yet,staring at her. I wondered what she would do when she did? Blush and walk away?
　　  That was my first guess. But maybe she would stare back. Maybe she would come totalk to me.
　　I took a deep breath, filling my lungs hopefully, just in case.
　　She got out of the truck with care, testing the slick ground before she put herweight on it. She didn’t look up, and that frustrated me. Maybe I would go talk to her…No, that would be wrong.
　　Instead of turning toward the school, she made her way to the rear of her truck,clinging to the side of the truck bed in a droll way, not trusting her footing. It made mesmile, and I felt Alice’s eyes on my face. I didn’t listen to whatever this made herthink—I was having too much fun watching the girl check her snow chains. She actuallylooked in some danger of falling, the way her feet were sliding around. No one else washaving trouble—had she parked in the worst of the ice?
　　She paused there, staring down with a strange expression on her face. Itwas…tender? As if something about the tire was making her…emotional?
　　Again, the curiosity ached like a thirst. It was as if I had to know what she wasthinking—as if nothing else mattered.
　　I would go talk to her. She looked like she could use a hand anyway, at least untilshe was off the slick pavement. Of course, I couldn’t offer her that, could I? I hesitated,torn. As adverse as she seemed to be to snow, she would hardly welcome the touch ofmy cold white hand. I should have worn gloves—“NO!” Alice gasped aloud.
　　Instantly, I scanned her thoughts, guessing at first that I had made a poor choiceand she saw me doing something inexcusable. But it had nothing to do with me at all.
　　Tyler Crowley had chosen to take the turn into the parking lot at an injudiciousspeed. This choice would send him skidding across a patch of ice…The vision came just half a second before the reality. Tyler’s van rounded thecorner as I was still watching the conclusion that had pulled the horrified gasp throughAlice’s lips.
　　No, this vision had nothing to do with me, and yet it had everything to do withme, because Tyler’s van—the tires right now hitting the ice at the worst possible angle—  was going to spin across the lot and crush the girl who had become the uninvited focalpoint of my world.
　　Even without Alice’s foresight it would have been simple enough to read thetrajectory of the vehicle, flying out of Tyler’s control.
　　The girl, standing in the exactly wrong place at the back of her truck, looked up,bewildered by the sound of the screeching tires. She looked straight into my horror-struck eyes, and then turned to watch her approaching death.
　　Not her! The words shouted in my head as if they belonged to someone else.
　　Still locked into Alice’s thoughts, I saw the vision suddenly shift, but I had notime to see what the outcome would be.
　　I launched myself across the lot, throwing myself between the skidding van andthe frozen girl. I moved so fast that everything was a streaky blur except for the object ofmy focus. She didn’t see me—no human eyes could have followed my flight—stillstaring at the hulking shape that was about to grind her body into the metal frame of hertruck.
　　I caught her around the waist, moving with too much urgency to be as gentle asshe would need me to be. In the hundredth of a second between the time that I yankedher slight form out of the path of death and the time that I crashed into to the ground withher in my arms, I was vividly aware of her fragile, breakable body.
　　When I heard her head crack against the ice, it felt like I had turned to ice, too.
　　But I didn’t even have a full second to ascertain her condition. I heard the vanbehind us, grating and squealing as it twisted around the sturdy iron body of the girl’struck. It was changing course, arcing, coming for her again—like she was a magnet,pulling it toward us.
　　A word I’d never said before in the presence of a lady slid between my clenchedteeth.
　　I had already done too much. As I’d nearly flown through the air to push her outof the way, I’d been fully aware of the mistake I was making. Knowing that it was amistake did not stop me, but I was not oblivious to the risk I was taking—taking, not justfor myself, but for my entire family.
　　Exposure.
　　  And this certainly wasn’t going to help, but there was no way I was going toallow the van to succeed in its second attempt to take her life.
　　I dropped her and threw my hands out, catching the van before it could touch thegirl. The force of it hurled me back into the car parked beside her truck, and I could feelits frame buckle behind my shoulders. The van shuddered and shivered against theunyielding obstacle of my arms, and then swayed, balancing unstably on the two far tires.
　　If I moved my hands, the back tire of the van was going fall onto her legs.
　　Oh, for the love of all that was holy, would the catastrophes never end? Was thereanything else that could go wrong? I could hardly sit here, holding the van in the air, andwait for rescue. Nor could I throw the van away—there was the driver to consider, histhoughts incoherent with panic.
　　With an internal groan, I shoved the van so that it rocked away from us for aninstant. As it fell back toward me, I caught it under the frame with my right hand while Iwrapped my left arm around the girl’s waist again and drug her out from under the van,pulling her tight up against my side. Her body moved limply as I swung her around sothat her legs would be in the clear—was she conscious? How much damage had I doneto her in my impromptu rescue attempt?
　　I let the van drop, now that it could not hurt her. It crashed to the pavement, allthe windows shattering in unison.
　　I knew that I was in the middle of a crisis. How much had she seen? Had anyother witnesses watched me materialize at her side and then juggle the van while I tried tokeep her out from under it? These questions should be my biggest concern.
　　But I was too anxious to really care about the threat of exposure as much as Ishould. Too panic-stricken that I might have injured her myself in my effort to protecther. Too frightened to have her this close to me, knowing what I would smell if I allowedmyself to inhale. Too aware of the heat of her soft body, pressed against mine—eventhrough the double obstacle of our jackets, I could feel that heat…The first fear was the greatest fear. As the screaming of the witnesses eruptedaround us, I leaned down to examine her face, to see if she was conscious—hopingfiercely that she was not bleeding anywhere.
　　Her eyes were open, staring in shock.
　　  “Bella?” I asked urgently. “Are you all right?”
　　“I’m fine.” She said the words automatically in a dazed voice.
　　Relief, so exquisite it was nearly pain, washed through me at the sound of hervoice. I sucked in a breath through my teeth, and did not mind the accompanying burn inmy throat. I almost welcomed it.
　　She struggled to sit up, but I was not ready to release her. It feltsomehow…safer? Better, at least, having her tucked into my side.
　　“Be careful,” I warned her. “I think you hit your head pretty hard.”
　　There had been no smell of fresh blood—a mercy, that—but this did not rule outinternal damage. I was abruptly anxious to get her to Carlisle and a full compliment ofradiology equipment.
　　“Ow,” she said, her tone comically shocked as she realized I was right about herhead.
　　“That’s what I thought.” Relief made it funny to me, made me almost giddy.
　　“How in the…” Her voice trailed off, and her eyelids fluttered. “How did youget over here so fast?”
　　The relief turned sour, the humor vanished. She had noticed too much.
　　Now that it appeared that the girl was in decent shape, the anxiety for my familybecame severe.
　　“I was standing right next to you, Bella.” I knew from experience that if I wasvery confident as I lied, it made any questioner less sure of the truth.
　　She struggled to move again, and this time I allowed it. I needed to breathe sothat I could play my role correctly. I needed space from her warm-blooded heat so that itwould not combine with her scent to overwhelm me. I slid away from her, as far as waspossible in the small space between the wrecked vehicles.
　　She stared up at me, and I stared back. To look away first was a mistake only anincompetent liar would make, and I was not an incompetent liar. My expression wassmooth, benign… It seemed to confuse her. That was good.
　　The accident scene was surrounded now. Mostly students, children, peering andpushing through the cracks to see if any mangled bodies were visible. There was a    babble of shouting and a gush of shocked thought. I scanned the thoughts once to makesure there were no suspicions yet, and then tuned it out and concentrated only on the girl.
　　She was distracted by the bedlam. She glanced around, her expression stillstunned, and tried to get to her feet.
　　I put my hand lightly on her shoulder to hold her down.
　　“Just stay put for now.” She seemed alright, but should she really be moving herneck? Again, I wished for Carlisle. My years of theoretical medical study were no matchfor his centuries of hands-on medical practice.
　　“But it’s cold,” she objected.
　　She had almost been crushed to death two distinct times and crippled one more,and it was the cold that worried her. A chuckle slid through my teeth before I couldremember that the situation was not funny.
　　Bella blinked, and then her eyes focused on my face. “You were over there.”
　　That sobered me again.
　　She glanced toward the south, though there was nothing to see now but thecrumpled side of the van. “You were by your car.”
　　“No, I wasn’t.”
　　“I saw you,” she insisted; her voice was childlike when she was being stubborn.
　　Her chin jutted out.
　　“Bella, I was standing with you, and I pulled you out of the way.”
　　I stared deeply into her wide eyes, trying to will her into accepting my version—the only rational version on the table.
　　Her jaw set. “No.”
　　I tried to stay calm, to not panic. If only I could keep her quiet for a fewmoments, to give me a chance to destroy the evidence….and undermine her story bydisclosing her head injury.
　　Shouldn’t it be easy to keep this silent, secretive girl quiet? If only she wouldtrust me, just for a few moments…“Please, Bella,” I said, and my voice was too intense, because I suddenly wantedher to trust me. Wanted it badly, and not just in regards to this accident. A stupid desire.
　　What sense would it make for her to trust me?
　　  “Why?” she asked, still defensive.
　　“Trust me,” I pleaded.
　　“Will you promise to explain everything to me later?”
　　It made me angry to have to lie to her again, when I so much wished that I couldsomehow deserve her trust. So, when I answered her, it was a retort.
　　“Fine.”
　　“Fine,” she echoed in the same tone.
　　While the rescue attempt began around us—adults arriving, authorities called,sirens in the distance—I tried to ignore the girl and get my priorities in the right order. Isearched through every mind in the lot, the witnesses and the latecomers both, but I couldfind nothing dangerous. Many were surprised to see me here beside Bella, but allconcluded—as there was no other possible conclusion—that they had just not noticed mestanding by the girl before the accident.
　　She was the only one who didn’t accept the easy explanation, but she would beconsidered the least reliable witness. She had been frightened, traumatized, not tomention sustaining the blow to the head. Possibly in shock. It would be acceptable forher story to be confused, wouldn’t it? No one would give it much credence above somany other spectators…I winced when I caught the thoughts of Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett, just arrivingon the scene. There would be hell to pay for this tonight.
　　I wanted to iron out the indention my shoulders had made against the tan car, butthe girl was too close. I’d have to wait till she was distracted.
　　It was frustrating to wait—so many eyes on me—as the humans struggled withthe van, trying to pull it away from us. I might have helped them, just to speed theprocess, but I was already in enough trouble and the girl had sharp eyes. Finally, theywere able to shift it far enough away for the EMTs to get to us with their stretchers.
　　A familiar, grizzled face appraised me.
　　“Hey, Edward,” Brett Warner said. He was also a registered nurse, and I knewhim well from the hospital. It was a stroke of luck—the only luck today—that he was thefirst through to us. In his thoughts, he was noting that I looked alert and calm. “Youokay, kid?”
　　  “Perfect, Brett. Nothing touched me. But I’m afraid Bella here might have aconcussion. She really hit her head when I yanked her out of the way…”
　　Brett turned his attention to the girl, who shot me a fierce look of betrayal. Oh,that was right. She was the quiet martyr—she’d prefer to suffer in silence.
　　She did not contradict my story immediately, though, and this made me feeleasier.
　　The next EMT tried to insist that I allow myself to be treated, but it wasn’t toodifficult to dissuade him. I promised I would let my father examine me, and he let it go.
　　With most humans, speaking with cool assurance was all that was needed. Most humans,just not the girl, of course. Did she fit into any of the normal patterns?
　　As they put a neck brace on her—and her face flushed scarlet withembarrassment—I used the moment of distraction to quietly rearrange the shape of thedent in the tan car with the back of my foot. Only my siblings noticed what I was doing,and I heard Emmett’s mental promise to catch anything I missed.
　　Grateful for his help—and more grateful that Emmett, at least, had alreadyforgiven my dangerous choice—I was more relaxed as I climbed into the front seat of theambulance next to Brett.
　　The chief of police arrived before they had gotten Bella into the back of theambulance.
　　Though Bella’s father’s thoughts were past words, the panic and concernemanating out of the man’s mind drown out just about every other thought in the vicinity.
　　Wordless anxiety and guilt, a great swell of them, washed out of him as he saw his onlydaughter on the gurney.
　　Washed out of him and through me, echoing and growing stronger. When Alicehad warned me that killing Charlie Swan’s daughter would kill him, too, she had not beenexaggerating.
　　My head bowed with that guilt as I listened to his panicked voice.
　　“Bella!” he shouted.
　　“I’m completely fine, Char—Dad.” She sighed. “There’s nothing wrong withme.”
　　  Her assurance barely soothed his dread. He turned at once to the closest EMT anddemanded more information.
　　I wasn’t until I heard him speaking, forming perfectly coherent sentences despitehis panic, that I realized that his anxiety and concern were not wordless. I just…couldnot hear the exact words.
　　Hmm. Charlie Swan was not as silent as his daughter, but I could see where shegot it from. Interesting.
　　I’d never spent much time around the town’s police chief. I’d always taken himfor a man of slow thought—now I realized that I was the one who was slow. Histhoughts were partially concealed, not absent. I could only make out the tenor, the toneof them…I wanted to listen harder, to see if I could find in this new, lesser puzzle the key tothe girl’s secrets. But Bella was loaded into the back by then, and the ambulance was onits way.
　　It was hard to tear myself away from this possible solution to the mystery that hadcome to obsess me. But I had to think now—to look at what had been done today fromevery angle. I had to listen, to make sure that I had not put us all in so much danger thatwe would have to leave immediately. I had to concentrate.
　　There was nothing in the thoughts of the EMTs to worry me. As far as they couldtell, there was nothing seriously wrong with the girl. And Bella was sticking to the storyI’d provided, thus far.
　　The first priority, when we reached the hospital, was to see Carlisle. I hurriedthrough the automatic doors, but I was unable to totally forgo watching after Bella; I keptan eye on her through the paramedics’ thoughts.
　　It was easy to find my father’s familiar mind. He was in his small office, allalone—the second stroke of luck in this luckless day.
　　“Carlisle.”
　　He’d heard my approach, and he was alarmed as soon as he saw my face. Hejumped to his feet, his face paling to bone white. He leaned forward across the neatlyorganized walnut desk.
　　Edward—you didn’t—  “No, no, it’s not that.”
　　He took deep breath. Of course not. I’m sorry I entertained the thought. Youreyes, of course, I should have known… He noted my still-golden eyes with relief.
　　“She’s hurt, though, Carlisle, probably not seriously, but—”
　　“What happened?”
　　“A stupid car accident. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But Icouldn’t just stand there—let it crush her—”
　　Start over, I don’t understand. How were you involved?
　　“A van skidded across the ice,” I whispered. I stared at the wall behind him whileI spoke. Instead of a throng of framed diplomas, he had one simple oil painting—afavorite of his, an undiscovered Hassam. “She was in the way. Alice saw it coming, butthere wasn’t time to do anything but really run across the lot and shove her out of theway. No one noticed…except for her. I had to stop the van, too, but again, nobody sawthat…besides her. I’m…I’m sorry Carlisle. I didn’t mean to put us in danger.”
　　He circled the desk and put his hand on my shoulder.
　　You did the right thing. And it couldn’t have been easy for you. I’m proud of you,Edward.
　　I could look him in the eye then. “She knows there’s something…wrong withme.”
　　“That doesn’t matter. If we have to leave, we leave. What has she said?”
　　I shook my head, a little frustrated. “Nothing yet.”
　　Yet?
　　“She agreed to my version of events—but she’s expecting an explanation.”
　　He frowned, pondering this.
　　“She hit her head—well, I did that,” I continued quickly. “I knocked her to theground fairly hard. She seems fine, but… I don’t think it will take much to discredit heraccount.”
　　I felt like a cad just saying the words.
　　Carlisle heard the distaste in my voice. Perhaps that won’t be necessary. Let’ssee what happens, shall we? It sounds like I have a patient to check on.
　　“Please,” I said. “I’m so worried that I hurt her.”
　　  Carlisle’s expression brightened. He smoothed his fair hair—just a few shadeslighter than his golden eyes—and he laughed.
　　It’s been an interesting day for you, hasn’t it? In his mind, I could see the irony,and it was humorous, at least to him. Quite the reversal of roles. Somewhere during thatshort thoughtless second when I’d sprinted across the icy lot, I had transformed fromkiller to protector.
　　I laughed with him, remembering how sure I’d been that Bella would never needprotecting from anything more than myself. There was an edge to my laugh because, vannotwithstanding, that was still entirely true.
　　I waited alone in Carlisle’s office—one of the longer hours I had ever lived—listening tothe hospital full of thoughts.
　　Tyler Crowley, the van’s driver, looked to be hurt worse than Bella, and theattention shifted to him while she waited her turn to be X-rayed. Carlisle kept in thebackground, trusting the PA’s diagnosis that the girl was only slightly injured. This mademe anxious, but I knew he was right. One glance at his face and she would beimmediately reminded of me, of the fact that there was something not right about myfamily, and that might set her talking.
　　She certainly had a willing enough partner to converse with. Tyler was consumedwith guilt over the fact that he had almost killed her, and he couldn’t seem to shut upabout it. I could see her expression through his eyes, and it was clear that she wished hewould stop. How did he not see that?
　　There was a tense moment for me when Tyler asked her how she’d gotten out ofthe way.
　　I waited, not breathing, as she hesitated.
　　“Um...” he heard her say. Then she paused for so long that Tyler wondered if hisquestion had confused her. Finally, she went on. “Edward pulled me out of the way.”
　　I exhaled. And then my breathing accelerated. I’d never heard her speak myname before. I like the way it sounded—even just hearing it through Tyler’s thoughts. Iwanted to hear it for myself…  “Edward Cullen,” she said, when Tyler didn’t realize who she meant. I foundmyself at the door, my hand on the knob. The desire to see her was growing stronger. Ihad to remind myself of the need for caution.
　　“He was standing next to me.”
　　“Cullen?” Huh. That’s weird. “I didn’t see him.” I could have sworn… “Wow,it was all so fast, I guess. Is he okay?”
　　“I think so. He’s here somewhere, but they didn’t make him use a stretcher.”
　　I saw the thoughtful look on her face, the suspicious tightening of her eyes, butthese little changes in her expression were lost on Tyler.
　　She’s pretty, he was thinking, almost in surprise. Even all messed up. Not myusual type, still… I should take her out. Make up for today…I was out in the hall, then, halfway to the emergency room, without thinking forone second about what I was doing. Luckily, the nurse entered the room before I could—it was Bella’s turn for X-rays. I leaned against the wall in a dark nook just around thecorner, and tried to get a grip on myself while she was wheeled away.
　　It didn’t matter that Tyler thought she was pretty. Anyone would notice that.
　　There was no reason for me to feel…how did I feel? Annoyed? Or was angry closer tothe truth? That made no sense at all.
　　I stayed where I was for as long as I could, but impatience got the best of me and Itook a back way around to the radiology room. She’d already been moved back to theER, but I was able to take a peek at her x-rays while the nurse’s back was turned.
　　I felt calmer when I had. Her head was fine. I hadn’t hurt her, not really.
　　Carlisle caught me there.
　　You look better, he commented.
　　I just looked straight ahead. We weren’t alone, the halls full of orderlies andvisitors.
　　Ah, yes. He stuck her x-rays to the lightboard, but I didn’t need a second look. Isee. She’s absolutely fine. Well done, Edward.
　　The sound of my father’s approval created a mixed reaction in me. I would havebeen pleased, except that I knew that he would not approve of what I was going to donow. At least, he would not approve if he knew my real motivations…  “I think I’m going to go talk to her—before she sees you,” I murmured under mybreath. “Act natural, like nothing happened. Smooth it over.” All acceptable reasons.
　　Carlisle nodded absently, still looking over the x-rays. “Good idea. Hmm.”
　　I looked to see what had his interest.
　　Look at all the healed contusions! How many times did her mother drop her?
　　Carlisle laughed to himself at his joke.
　　“I’m beginning to think the girl just has really bad luck. Always in the wrongplace at the wrong time.”
　　Forks is certainly the wrong place for her, with you here.
　　I flinched.
　　Go ahead. Smooth things over. I’ll join you momentarily.
　　I walked away quickly, feeling guilty. Perhaps I was too good a liar, if I couldfool Carlisle.
　　When I got to the ER, Tyler was mumbling under his breath, still apologizing.
　　The girl was trying to escape his remorse by pretending to sleep. Her eyes were closed,but her breathing was not even, and now and then her fingers would twitch impatiently.
　　I stared at her face for a long moment. This was the last time I would see her.
　　That fact triggered an acute aching in my chest. Was it because I hated to leave anypuzzle unsolved? That did not seem like enough of an explanation.
　　Finally, I took a deep breath and moved into view.
　　When Tyler saw me, he started to speak, but I put one finger to my lips.
　　“Is she sleeping?” I murmured.
　　Bella’s eyes snapped open and focused on my face. They widened momentarily,and then narrowed in anger or suspicion. I remembered that I had a role to play, so Ismiled at her as if nothing unusual had happened this morning—besides a blow to herhead and a bit of imagination run wild.
　　“Hey, Edward,” Tyler said. “I’m really sorry—”
　　I raised one hand to halt his apology. “No blood, no foul,” I said wryly. Withoutthinking, I smiled too widely at my private joke.
　　It was amazingly easy to ignore Tyler, lying no more than four feet from me,covered in fresh blood. I’d never understood how Carlisle was able to do that—ignore  the blood of his patients in order to treat them. Wouldn’t the constant temptation be sodistracting, so dangerous…? But, now… I could see how, if you were focusing onsomething else hard enough, the temptation was be nothing at all.
　　Even fresh and exposed, Tyler’s blood had nothing on Bella’s.
　　I kept my distance from her, seating myself on the foot of Tyler’s mattress.
　　“So, what’s the verdict?” I asked her.
　　Her lower lip pushed out a little. “There’s nothing wrong with me at all, but theywon’t let me go. How come you aren’t strapped to a gurney like the rest of us?”
　　Her impatience made me smile again.
　　I could hear Carlisle in the hall now.
　　“It’s all about who you know,” I said lightly. “But don’t worry, I came to springyou.”
　　I watched her reaction carefully as my father entered the room. Her eyes widenedand her mouth actually fell open in surprise. I groaned internally. Yes, she’d certainlynoticed the resemblance.
　　“So, Miss Swan, how are you feeling?” Carlisle asked. He had a wonderfullysoothing beside manner that put most patients at ease within moments. I couldn’t tellhow it affected Bella.
　　“I’m fine,” she said quietly.
　　Carlisle clipped her X-rays to the lightboard by the bed. “Your X-rays look good.
　　Does your head hurt? Edward said you hit it pretty hard.”
　　She sighed, and said, “I’m fine,” again, but this time impatience leaked into hervoice. Then she glowered once in my direction.
　　Carlisle stepped closer to her and ran his fingers gently over her scalp until hefound the bump under her hair.
　　I was caught off guard by the wave of emotion that crashed over me.
　　I had seen Carlisle work with humans a thousand times. Years ago, I had evenassisted him informally—though only in situations where blood was not involved. So itwasn’t a new thing to me, to watch him interact with the girl as if he were as human asshe was. I’d envied his control many times, but that was not the same as this emotion. I  envied him more than his control. I ached for the difference between Carlisle and me—that he could touch her so gently, without fear, knowing he would never harm her…She winced, and I twitched in my seat. I had to concentrate for a moment to keepmy relaxed posture.
　　“Tender?” Carlisle asked.
　　Her chin jerked up a fraction. “Not really,” she said.
　　Another small piece of her character fell into place: she was brave. She didn’tlike to show weakness.
　　Possibly the most vulnerable creature I’d ever seen, and she didn’t want to seemweak. A chuckle slid through my lips.
　　She shot another glare at me.
　　“Well,” Carlisle said. “Your father is in the waiting room—you can go homewith him now. But come back if you feel dizzy or have trouble with your eyesight at all.”
　　Her father was here? I swept through the thoughts in the crowded waiting room,but I couldn’t pick his subtle mental voice out of the group before she was speakingagain, her face anxious.
　　“Can’t I go back to school?”
　　“Maybe you should take it easy today,” Carlisle suggested.
　　Her eyes flickered back to me. “Does he get to go to school?”
　　Act normal, smooth things over…ignore the way it feels when she looks me in theeye…“Someone has to spread the good news that we survived,” I said.
　　“Actually,” Carlisle corrected, “most of the school seems to be in the waitingroom.”
　　I anticipated her reaction this time—her aversion to attention. She didn’tdisappoint.
　　“Oh no,” she moaned, and she put her hands over her face.
　　I liked that I’d finally guessed right. I was beginning to understand her…“Do you want to stay?” Carlisle asked.
　　  “No, no!” she said quickly, swinging her legs over the side of the mattress andsliding down till her feet were on the floor. She stumbled forward, off-balance, intoCarlisle’s arms. He caught and steadied her.
　　Again, the envy flooded through me.
　　“I’m fine,” she said before he could comment, faint pink in her cheeks.
　　Of course, that wouldn’t bother Carlisle. He made sure she was balanced, andthen dropped his hands.
　　“Take some Tylenol for the pain,” he instructed.
　　“It doesn’t hurt that bad.”
　　Carlisle smiled as he signed her chart. “It sounds like you were extremely lucky.”
　　She turned her face slightly, to stare at me with hard eyes. “Lucky Edwardhappened to be standing next to me.”
　　“Oh, well, yes,” Carlisle agreed quickly, hearing the same thing in her voice that Iheard. She hadn’t written her suspicions off as imagination. Not yet.
　　All yours, Carlisle thought. Handle it as you think best.
　　“Thanks so much,” I whispered, quick and quiet. Neither human heard me.
　　Carlisle’s lips turned up a tiny bit at my sarcasm as he turned to Tyler. “I’m afraid thatyou’ll have to stay with us just a little bit longer,” he said as he began examining theslashes left by the shattered windshield.
　　Well, I’d made the mess, so it was only fair that I had to deal with it.
　　Bella walked deliberately toward me, not stopping until she was uncomfortablyclose. I remembered how I had hoped, before all the mayhem, that she would approachme… This was like a mockery of that wish.
　　“Can I talk to you for a minute?” she hissed at me.
　　Her warm breath brushed my face and I had to stagger back a step. Her appealhad not abated one bit. Every time she was near me, it triggered all my worst, mosturgent instincts. Venom flowed in my mouth and my body yearned to strike—to wrenchher into my arms and crush her throat to my teeth.
　　My mind was stronger than my body, but only just.
　　“Your father is waiting for you,” I reminded her, my jaw clenched tight.
　　  She glanced toward Carlisle and Tyler. Tyler was paying us no attention at all,but Carlisle was monitoring my every breath.
　　Carefully, Edward.
　　“I’d like to speak to you alone, if you don’t mind,” she insisted in a low voice.
　　I wanted to tell her that I did mind very much, but I knew I would have to do thiseventually. I may as well get on with it.
　　I was full of so many conflicting emotions as I stalked out of the room, listeningto her stumbling footsteps behind me, trying to keep up.
　　I had a show to put on now. I knew the role I would play—I had the characterdown: I would be the villain. I would lie and ridicule and be cruel.
　　It went against all my better impulses—the human impulses that I’d clung tothrough all these years. I’d never wanted to deserve trust more than in this moment,when I had to destroy all possibility of it.
　　It made it worse to know that this would be the last memory she would have ofme. This was my farewell scene.
　　I turned on her.
　　“What do you want?” I asked coldly.
　　She cringed back slightly from my hostility. Her eyes turned bewildered, theexpression that had haunted me…“You owe me an explanation,” she said in a small voice; her ivory face blanched.
　　It was very hard to keep my voice harsh. “I saved your life—I don’t owe youanything.”
　　She flinched—it burned like acid to watch my words hurt her.
　　“You promised,” she whispered.
　　“Bella, you hit your head, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
　　Her chin came up then. “There’s nothing wrong with my head.”
　　She was angry now, and that made it easier for me. I met her glare, making myface more unfriendly.
　　“What do you want from me, Bella?”
　　“I want to know the truth. I want to know why I’m lying for you.”
　　What she wanted was only fair—it frustrated me to have to deny her.
　　  “What do you think happened?” I nearly growled at her.
　　Her words poured out in a torrent. “All I know is that you weren’t anywhere nearme—Tyler didn’t see you, either, so don’t tell me I hit my head too hard. That van wasgoing to crush us both—and it didn’t, and your hands left dents in the side of it—and youleft a dent in the other car, and you’re not hurt at all—and the van should have smashedmy legs, but you were holding it up…” Suddenly, she clenched her teeth together andher eyes were glistening with unshed tears.
　　I stared at her, my expression derisive, though what I really felt was awe; she hadseen everything.
　　“You think I lifted a van off you?” I asked sarcastically.
　　She answered with one stiff nod.
　　My voice grew more mocking. “Nobody will believe that, you know.”
　　She made an effort to control her anger. When she answered me, she spoke eachword with slow deliberation. “I’m not going to tell anybody.”
　　She meant it—I could see that in her eyes. Even furious and betrayed, she wouldkeep my secret.
　　Why?
　　The shock of it ruined my carefully designed expression for half a second, andthen I pulled myself together.
　　“Then why does it matter?” I asked, working to keep my voice severe.
　　“It matters to me,” she said intensely. “I don’t like to lie—so there’d better be agood reason why I’m doing it.”
　　She was asking me to trust her. Just as I wanted her to trust me. But this was aline I could not cross.
　　My voice stayed callous. “Can’t you just thank me and get it over with?”
　　“Thank you,” she said, and then she fumed silently, waiting.
　　“You’re not going to let it go, are you?”
　　“No.”
　　“In that case…” I couldn’t tell her the truth if I wanted to…and I didn’t want to.
　　I’d rather she made up her own story than know what I was, because nothing could be  worse than the truth—I was a living nightmare, straight from the pages of a horror novel.
　　“I hope you enjoy disappointment.”
　　We scowled at each other. It was odd how endearing her anger was. Like afurious kitten, soft and harmless, and so unaware of her own vulnerability.
　　She flushed pink and ground her teeth together again. “Why did you evenbother?”
　　Her question wasn’t one that I was expecting or prepared to answer. I lost myhold on the role I was playing. I felt the mask slip from my face, and I told her—this onetime—the truth.
　　“I don’t know.”
　　I memorized her face one last time—it was still set in lines of anger, the blood notyet faded from her cheeks—and then I turned and walked away from her.
Chapter 4 Visions
 I went back to school. This was the right thing to do, the most inconspicuous way tobehave.
　　By the end of the day, almost all the other students had returned to class, too. JustTyler and Bella and a few others—who were probably using the accident as a chance toditch—remained absent.
　　It shouldn’t be so hard for me to do the right thing. But, all afternoon, I wasgritting my teeth against the urge that had me yearning ditch, too—in order to go find thegirl again.
　　Like a stalker. An obsessessed stalker. An obsessessed, vampire stalker.
　　School today was—somehow, impossibly—even more boring than it had seemedjust a week ago. Coma-like. It was as if the color had drained from the bricks, the trees,the sky, the faces around me… I stared at the cracks in the walls.
　　There was another right thing I should be doing…that I was not. Of course, it wasalso a wrong thing. It all depended on the perspective from which you viewed it.
　　From the perspective of a Cullen—not just a vampire, but a Cullen, someone whobelonged to a family, such a rare state in our world—the right thing to do would havegone something like this:
　　“I’m surprised to see you in class, Edward. I heard you were involved in thatawful accident this morning.”
　　“Yes, I was, Mr. Banner, but I was the lucky one.” A friendly smile. “I didn’t gethurt at all… I wish I could say the same for Tyler and Bella.”
　　“How are they?”
　　“I think Tyler is fine…just some superficial scrapes from the windshield glass.
　　I’m not sure about Bella, though.” A worried frown. “She might have a concussion. Iheard she was pretty incoherent for a while—seeing things even. I know the doctors wereworried…”
　　That’s how it should have gone. That’s what I owed my family.
　　  “I’m surprised to see you in class, Edward. I heard you were involved in thatawful accident this morning.”
　　“I wasn’t hurt.” No smile.
　　Mr. Banner shifted his weight from foot to foot, uncomfortable.
　　“Do you have any idea how Tyler Crowley and Bella Swan are? I heard therewere some injuries…”
　　I shrugged. “I wouldn’t know.”
　　Mr. Banner cleared his throat. “Er, right…” he said, my cold stare making hisvoice sound a bit strained.
　　He walked quickly back to the front of classroom and began his lecture.
　　It was the wrong thing to do. Unless you looked at it from a more obscure pointof view.
　　It just seemed so…so unchivalrous to slander the girl behind her back, especiallywhen she was proving more trustworthy than I could have dreamed. She hadn’t saidanything to betray me, despite having good reason to do so. Would I betray her when shehad done nothing but keep my secret?
　　I had a nearly identical conversation with Mrs. Goff—just in Spanish rather thanin English—and Emmett gave me a long look.
　　I hope you have a good explanation for what happened today. Rose is on thewarpath.
　　I rolled my eyes without looking at him.
　　I actually had come up with a perfectly sound explanation. Just suppose I hadn’tdone anything to stop the van from crushing the girl… I recoiled from that thought. Butif she had been hit, if she’d been mangled and bleeding, the red fluid spilling, wasting onthe blacktop, the scent of the fresh blood pulsing through the air …I shuddered again, but not just in horror. Part of me shivered in desire. No, Iwould not have been able to watch her bleed without exposing us all in a much moreflagrant and shocking way.
　　It was a perfectly sound excuse…but I wouldn’t use it. It was too shameful.
　　And I hadn’t thought of it until long after the fact, regardless.
　　  Look out for Jasper, Emmett went on, oblivious to my reverie. He’s not asangry…but he’s more resolved.
　　I saw what he meant, and for a moment the room swam around me. My rage wasso all-consuming that a red haze clouded my vision. I thought I would choke on it.
　　SHEESH, EDWARD! GET A GRIP! Emmett shouted at me in his head. Hishand came down on my shoulder, holding me in my seat before I could jump to my feet.
　　He rarely used his full strength—there was rarely a need, for he was so much strongerthan any vampire any of us had ever encountered—but he used it now. He gripped myarm, rather than pushing me down. If he’d been pushing, the chair under me would havecollapsed.
　　EASY! He ordered.
　　I tried to calm myself, but it was hard. The rage burned in my head.
　　Jasper’s not going to do anything until we all talk. I just thought you shouldknow the direction he’s headed.
　　I concentrated on relaxing, and I felt Emmett’s hand loosen.
　　Try not to make more of a spectacle of yourself. You’re in enough trouble as it is.
　　I took a deep breath and Emmett released me.
　　I searched around the room routinely, but our confrontation had been so short andsilent that only a few people sitting behind Emmett had even noticed. None of themknew what to make of it, and they shrugged it off. The Cullens were freaks—everyoneknew that already.
　　Damn, kid, you’re a mess, Emmett added, sympathy in his tone.
　　“Bite me,” I muttered under my breath, and I heard his low chuckle.
　　Emmett didn’t hold grudges, and I probably ought to be more grateful for his easygoing nature. But I could see that Jasper’s intentions made sense to Emmett, that he wasconsidering how it might be the best course of action.
　　The rage simmered, barely under control. Yes, Emmett was stronger than I was,but he’d yet to beat me in a wrestling match. He claimed that this was because I cheated,but hearing thoughts was just as much a part of who I was as his immense strength was apart of him. We were evenly matched in a fight.
　　  A fight? Was that where this was headed? Was I going to fight with my familyover a human I barely knew?
　　I thought about that for a moment, thought about the fragile feel of the girl’s bodyin my arms in juxtaposition with Jasper, Rose, and Emmett—supernaturally strong andfast, killing machines by nature…Yes, I would fight for her. Against my family. I shuddered.
　　But it wasn’t fair to leave her undefended when I was the one who’d put her indanger.
　　I couldn’t win alone, though, not against the three of them, and I wondered whomy allies would be.
　　Carlisle, certainly. He would not fight anyone, but he would be wholly againstRose’s and Jasper’s designs. That might be all I needed. I would see…Esme, doubtful. She would not side against me either, and she would hate todisagree with Carlisle, but she would be for any plan that kept her family intact. Her firstpriority would not be rightness, but me. If Carlisle was the soul of our family, then Esmewas the heart. He gave us a leader who deserved following; she made that following intoan act of love. We all loved each other—even under the fury I felt toward Jasper andRose right now, even planning to fight them to save the girl, I knew that I loved them.
　　Alice…I had no idea. It would probably depend on what she saw coming. Shewould side with the winner, I imagined.
　　So, I would have to do this without help. I wasn’t a match for them alone, but Iwasn’t going to let the girl be hurt because of me. That might mean evasive action…My rage dulled a bit with the sudden, black humor. I could imagine how the girlwould react to my kidnapping her. Of course, I rarely guessed her reactions right—butwhat other reaction could she have besides terror?
　　I wasn’t sure how to manage that, though—kidnapping her. I wouldn’t be able tostand being close to her for very long. Perhaps I would just deliver her back to hermother. Even that much would be fraught with danger. For her.
　　And also for me, I realized suddenly. If I were to kill her by accident… I wasn’tcertain exactly how much pain that would cause me, but I knew it would be multifacetedand intense.
　　  The time passed quickly while I mulled over all the complications ahead of me:
　　the argument waiting for me at home, the conflict with my family, the lengths I might beforced to go to afterward…Well, I couldn’t complain that life outside this school was monotonous any more.
　　The girl had changed that much.
　　Emmett and I walked silently to the car when the bell rang. He was worryingabout me, and worrying about Rosalie. He knew whose side he would have to choose ina quarrel, and it bothered him.
　　The others were waiting for us in the car, also silent. We were a very quiet group.
　　Only I could hear the shouting.
　　Idiot! Lunatic! Moron! Jackass! Selfish, irresponsible fool! Rosalie kept up aconstant stream of insults at the top of her mental lungs. It made it hard to hear theothers, but I ignored her as best I could.
　　Emmett was right about Jasper. He was sure of his course.
　　Alice was troubled, worrying about Jasper, flipping through images of the future.
　　No matter which direction Jasper came at the girl, Alice always saw me there, blockinghim. Interesting…neither Rosalie nor Emmett was with him in these visions. So Jasperplanned to work alone. That would even things up.
　　Jasper was the best, certainly the most experienced fighter among us. My oneadvantage lay in that I could hear his moves before he made them.
　　I had never fought more than playfully with Emmett or Jasper—just horsingaround. I felt sick at the thought of really trying to hurt Jasper…No, not that. Just to block him. That was all.
　　I concentrated on Alice, memorizing Jasper’s different avenues of attack.
　　As I did that, her visions shifted, moving further and further away from theSwan’s house. I was cutting him off earlier…Stop that, Edward! It can’t happen this way. I won’t let it.
　　I didn’t answer her, I just kept watching.
　　She began searching farther ahead, into the misty, unsure realm of distantpossibilities. Everything was shadowy and vague.
　　  The entire way home, the charged silence did not lift. I parked in the big garageoff the house; Carlisle’s Mercedes was there, next to Emmett’s big jeep, Rose’s M3 andmy Vanquish. I was glad Carlisle was already home—this silence would endexplosively, and I wanted him there when that happened.
　　We went straight to the dining room.
　　The room was, of course, never used for its intended purpose. But it wasfurnished with a long oval mahogany table surrounded by chairs—we were scrupulousabout having all the correct props in place. Carlisle liked to use it as a conference room.
　　In a group with such strong and disparate personalities, sometimes it was necessary todiscuss things in a calm, seated manner.
　　I had a feeling that the setting was not going to help much today.
　　Carlisle sat in his usual seat at the eastern head of the room. Esme was besidehim—they held hands on top of the table.
　　Esme’s eyes were on me, their golden depths full of concern.
　　Stay. It was her only thought.
　　I wished I could smile at the woman who was truly a mother to me, but I had noreassurances for her now.
　　I sat on Carlisle’s other side. Esme reached around him to put her free hand onmy shoulder. She had no idea of what was about to start; she was just worrying aboutme.
　　Carlisle had a better sense of what was coming. His lips were pressed tightlytogether and his forehead was creased. The expression looked too old for his young face.
　　As everyone else sat, I could see the lines being drawn.
　　Rosalie sat directly across from Carlisle, on the other end of the long table. Sheglared at me, never looking away.
　　Emmett sat beside her, his face and thoughts both wry.
　　Jasper hesitated, and then went to stand against the wall behind Rosalie. He wasdecided, regardless of the outcome of this discussion. My teeth locked together.
　　Alice was the last to come in, and her eyes were focused on something far away—the future, still too indistinct for her to make use of it. Without seeming to think about it,  she sat next to Esme. She rubbed her forehead as if she had a headache. Jasper twitcheduneasily and considered joining her, but he kept his place.
　　I took a deep breath. I had started this—I should speak first.
　　“I’m sorry,” I said, looking first at Rose, then Jasper and then Emmett. “I didn’tmean to put any of you at risk. It was thoughtless, and I take full responsibility for myhasty action.”
　　Rosalie glared at me balefully. “What do you mean, ‘take full responsibility’?
　　Are you going to fix it?”
　　“Not the way you mean,” I said, working to keep my voice even and quiet. “I’mwilling to leave now, if that makes things better.” If I believe that the girl will be safe, if Ibelieve that none of you will touch her, I amended in my head.
　　“No,” Esme murmured. “No, Edward.”
　　I patted her hand. “It’s just a few years.”
　　“Esme’s right, though,” Emmett said. “You can’t go anywhere now. That wouldbe the opposite of helpful. We have to know what people are thinking, now more thanever.”
　　“Alice will catch anything major,” I disagreed.
　　Carlisle shook his head. “I think Emmett is right, Edward. The girl will be morelikely to talk if you disappear. It’s all of us leave, or none of us.”
　　“She won’t say anything,” I insisted quickly. Rose was building up to theexplosion, and I wanted this fact out there first.
　　“You don’t know her mind,” Carlisle reminded me.
　　“I know this much. Alice, back me up.”
　　Alice stared up at me wearily. “I can’t see what will happen if we just ignorethis.” She glanced at Rose and Jasper.
　　No, she couldn’t see that future—not when Rosalie and Jasper were so decidedagainst ignoring the incident.
　　Rosalie’s palm smacked down on the table with a loud bang. “We can’t allow thehuman a chance to say anything. Carlisle, you must see that. Even if we decided to alldisappear, it’s not safe to leave stories behind us. We live so differently from the rest of  our kind—you know there are those who would love an excuse to point fingers. We haveto be more careful than anyone else!”
　　“We’ve left rumors behind us before,” I reminded her.
　　“Just rumors and suspicions, Edward. Not eyewitnesses and evidence!”
　　“Evidence!” I scoffed.
　　But Jasper was nodding, his eyes hard.
　　“Rose—” Carlisle began.
　　“Let me finish, Carlisle. It doesn’t have to be any big production. The girl hit herhead today. So maybe that injury turns out to be more serious that it looked.” Rosalieshrugged. “Every mortal goes to sleep with the chance of never waking up. The otherswould expect us to clean up after ourselves. Technically, that would make it Edward’sjob, but this is obviously beyond him. You know I’m capable of control. I would leaveno evidence behind me.”
　　“Yes, Rosalie, we all know how proficient an assassin you are,” I snarled.
　　She hissed at me, furious.
　　“Edward, please,” Carlisle said. Then he turned to Rosalie. “Rosalie, I lookedthe other way in Rochester because I felt that you were owed your justice. The men youkilled had wronged you monstrously. This is not the same situation. The Swan girl is aninnocent.”
　　“It’s not personal, Carlisle,” Rosalie said through her teeth. “It’s to protect usall.”
　　There was a brief moment of silence while Carlisle thought through his answer.
　　When he nodded, Rosalie’s eyes lit up. She should have known better. Even if I hadn’tbeen able to read his thoughts, I could have anticipated his next words. Carlisle nevercompromised.
　　“I know you mean well, Rosalie, but…I’d like very much for our family to beworth protecting. The occasional…accident or lapse in control is a regrettable part ofwho we are.” It was very like him to include himself in the plural, though he had neverhad such a lapse himself. “To murder a blameless child in cold blood is another thingentirely. I believe the risk she presents, whether she speaks her suspicions or not, is  nothing to the greater risk. If we make exceptions to protect ourselves, we risksomething much more important. We risk losing the essence of who we are.”
　　I controlled my expression very carefully. It wouldn’t do at all to grin. Or toapplaud, as I wished I could.
　　Rosalie scowled. “It’s just being responsible.”
　　“It’s being callous,” Carlisle corrected gently. “Every life is precious.”
　　Rosalie sighed heavily and her lower lip pouted out. Emmett patted her shoulder.
　　“It’ll be fine, Rose,” he encouraged in a low voice.
　　“The question,” Carlisle continued, “is whether we should move on?”
　　“No,” Rosalie moaned. “We just got settled. I don’t want to start on mysophomore year in high school again!”
　　“You could keep your present age, of course,” Carlisle said.
　　“And have to move again that much sooner?” she countered.
　　Carlisle shrugged.
　　“I like it here! There’s so little sun, we get to be almost normal.”
　　“Well, we certainly don’t have to decide now. We can wait and see if it becomesnecessary. Edward seems certain of the Swan girl’s silence.”
　　Rosalie snorted.
　　But I was no longer worried about Rose. I could see that she would go along withCarlisle’s decision, not matter how infuriated she was with me. Their conversation hadmoved on to unimportant details.
　　Jasper remained unmoved.
　　I understood why. Before he and Alice had met, he’d lived in a combat zone, arelentless theater of war. He knew the consequences of flouting the rules—he’d seen thegrisly aftermath with his own eyes.
　　It said much that he had not tried to calm Rosalie down with his extra faculties,nor did he now try to rile her up. He was holding himself aloof from this discussion—above it.
　　“Jasper,” I said.
　　He met my gaze, his face expressionless.
　　“She won’t pay for my mistake. I won’t allow that.”
　　  “She benefits from it, then? She should have died today, Edward. I would onlyset that right.”
　　I repeated myself, emphasizing each word. “I will not allow it.”
　　His eyebrows shot up. He wasn’t expecting this—he hadn’t imagined that I wouldact to stop him.
　　He shook his head once. “I won’t let Alice live in danger, even a slight danger.
　　You don’t feel about anyone the way I feel about her, Edward, and you haven’t livedthrough what I’ve lived through, whether you’ve seen my memories or not. You don’tunderstand.”
　　“I’m not disputing that, Jasper. But I’m telling you now, I won’t allow you tohurt Isabella Swan.”
　　We stared at each other—not glaring, but measuring the opposition. I felt himsample the mood around me, testing my determination.
　　“Jazz,” Alice said, interrupting us.
　　He held my gaze for a moment more, and then looked at her. “Don’t bothertelling me you can protect yourself, Alice. I already know that. I’ve still got to—”
　　“That’s not what I’m going say,” Alice interrupted. “I was going to ask you for afavor.”
　　I saw what was on her mind, and my mouth fell open with an audible gasp. Istared at her, shocked, only vaguely aware that everyone besides Alice and Jasper wasnow eyeing me warily.
　　“I know you love me. Thanks. But I would really appreciate it if you didn’t try tokill Bella. First of all, Edward’s serious and I don’t want you two fighting. Secondly,she’s my friend. At least, she’s going to be.”
　　It was clear as glass in her head: Alice, smiling, with her icy white arm around thegirl’s warm, fragile shoulders. And Bella was smiling, too, her arm around Alice’s waist.
　　The vision was rock solid; only the timing of it was unsure.
　　“But…Alice…” Jasper gasped. I couldn’t manage to turn my head to see hisexpression. I couldn’t tear myself away from the image in Alice’s head in order to hearhis.
　　  “I’m going to love her someday, Jazz. I’ll be very put out with you if you don’tlet her be.”
　　I was still locked into Alice’s thoughts. I saw the future shimmer as Jasper’sresolve floundered in the face of her unexpected request.
　　“Ah,” she sighed—his indecision had cleared a new future. “See? Bella’s notgoing to say anything. There’s nothing to worry about.”
　　The way she said the girl’s name…like they were already close confidants…“Alice,” I choked. “What…does this…?”
　　“I told you there was a change coming. I don’t know, Edward.” But she lockedher jaw, and I could see that there was more. She was trying not to think about it; shewas focusing very hard on Jasper suddenly, though he was too stunned to haveprogressed much in his decision making.
　　She did this sometimes when she was trying to keep something from me.
　　“What, Alice? What are you hiding?”
　　I heard Emmett grumble. He always got frustrated when Alice and I had thesekinds of conversations.
　　She shook her head, trying to not let me in.
　　“Is it about the girl?” I demanded. “Is it about Bella?”
　　She had her teeth gritted in concentration, but when I spoke Bella’s name, sheslipped. Her slip only lasted the tiniest portion of a second, but that was long enough.
　　“NO!” I shouted. I heard my chair hit the floor, and only then realized I was onmy feet.
　　“Edward!” Carlisle was on his feet, too, his arm on my shoulder. I was barelyaware of him.
　　“It’s solidifying,” Alice whispered. “Every minute you’re more decided.
　　There’re really only two ways left for her. It’s one or the other, Edward.”
　　I could see what she saw…but I could not accept it.
　　“No,” I said again; there was no volume to my denial. My legs felt hollow, and Ihad to brace myself against the table.
　　“Will somebody please let the rest of us in on the mystery?” Emmett complained.
　　“I have to leave,” I whispered to Alice, ignoring him.
　　  “Edward, we’ve already been over that,” Emmett said loudly. “That’s the bestway to start the girl talking. Besides, if you take off, we won’t know for sure if she’stalking or not. You have to stay and deal with this.”
　　“I don’t see you going anywhere, Edward,” Alice told me. “I don’t know if youcan leave anymore.” Think about it, she added silently. Think about leaving.
　　I saw what she meant. Yes, the idea of never seeing the girl again was…painful.
　　But it was also necessary. I couldn’t sanction either future I’d apparently condemned herto.
　　I’m not entirely sure of Jasper, Edward, Alice went on. If you leave, if he thinksshe’s a danger to us…“I don’t hear that,” I contradicted her, still only halfway aware of our audience.
　　Jasper was wavering. He would not do something that would hurt Alice.
　　Not right this moment. Will you risk her life, leave her undefended?
　　“Why are you doing this to me?” I groaned. My head fell into my hands.
　　I was not Bella’s protector. I could not be that. Wasn’t Alice’s divided futureenough proof of that?
　　I love her, too. Or I will. It’s not the same, but I want her around for that.
　　“Love her, too?” I whispered, incredulous.
　　She sighed. You are so blind, Edward. Can’t you see where you’re headed?
　　Can’t you see where you already are? It’s more inevitable than the sun rising in the east.
　　See what I see…I shook my head, horrified. “No.” I tried to shut out the visions she revealed tome. “I don’t have to follow that course. I’ll leave. I will change the future.”
　　“You can try,” she said, her voice skeptical.
　　“Oh, come on!” Emmett bellowed.
　　“Pay attention,” Rose hissed at him. “Alice sees him falling for a human! Howclassically Edward!” She made a gagging sound.
　　I scarcely heard her.
　　“What?” Emmett said, startled. Then his booming laugh echoed through theroom. “Is that what’s been going on?” He laughed again. “Tough break, Edward.”
　　  I felt his hand on my shoulder, and I shook it off absently. I couldn’t payattention to him.
　　“Fall for a human?” Esme repeated in a stunned voice. “For the girl he savedtoday? Fall in love with her?”
　　“What do you see, Alice? Exactly,” Jasper demanded.
　　She turned toward him; I continued to stare numbly at the side of her face.
　　“It all depends on whether he is strong enough or not. Either he’ll kill herhimself” —she turned to meet my gaze again, glaring— “which would really irritate me,Edward, not to mention what it would do to you—” she faced Jasper again, “or she’ll beone of us someday.”
　　Someone gasped; I didn’t look to see who.
　　“That’s not going to happen!” I was shouting again. “Either one!”
　　Alice didn’t seem to hear me. “It all depends,” she repeated. “He may be juststrong enough not to kill her—but it will be close. It will take an amazing amount ofcontrol,” she mused. “More even than Carlisle has. He may be just strong enough…The only thing he’s not strong enough to do is stay away from her. That’s a lost cause.”
　　I couldn’t find my voice. No one else seemed to be able to either. The room wasstill.
　　I stared at Alice, and everyone else stared at me. I could see my own horrifiedexpression from five different viewpoints.
　　After a long moment, Carlisle sighed.
　　“Well, this…complicates things.”
　　“I’ll say,” Emmett agreed. His voice was still close to laughter. Trust Emmett tofind the joke in the destruction of my life.
　　“I suppose the plans remain the same, though,” Carlisle said thoughtfully. “We’llstay, and watch. Obviously, no one will…hurt the girl.”
　　I stiffened.
　　“No,” Jasper said quietly. “I can agree to that. If Alice sees only two ways—”
　　“No!” My voice was not a shout or a growl or a cry of despair, but somecombination of the three. “No!”
　　  I had to leave, to be away from the noise of their thoughts—Rosalie’s self-righteous disgust, Emmett’s humor, Carlisle’s never ending patience…Worse: Alice’s confidence. Jasper’s confidence in that confidence.
　　Worst of all: Esme’s…joy.
　　I stalked out of the room. Esme touched my arm as I passed, but I didn’tacknowledge the gesture.
　　I was running before I was out of the house. I cleared the river in one bound, andraced into the forest. The rain was back again, falling so heavily that I was drenched in afew moments. I liked the thick sheet of water—it made a wall between me and the rest ofthe world. It closed me in, let me be alone.
　　I ran due east, over and through the mountains without breaking my straightcourse, until I could see the lights of Seattle on the other side of the sound. I stoppedbefore I touched the borders of human civilization.
　　Shut in by the rain, all alone, I finally made myself look at what I had done—atthe way I had mutilated the future.
　　First, the vision of Alice and the girl with their arms around each other—the trustand friendship was so obvious it shouted from the image. Bella’s wide chocolate eyeswere not bewildered in this vision, but still full of secrets—in this moment, they seemedto be happy secrets. She did not flinch away from Alice’s cold arm.
　　What did it mean? How much did she know? In that still-life moment from thefuture, what did she think of me?
　　Then the other image, so much the same, yet now colored by horror. Alice andBella, their arms still wrapped around each other in trusting friendship. But now therewas no difference between those arms—both were white, smooth as marble, hard as steel.
　　Bella’s wide eyes were no longer chocolate. The irises were a shocking, vivid crimson.
　　The secrets in them were unfathomable—acceptance or desolation? It was impossible totell. Her face was cold and immortal.
　　I shuddered. I could not suppress the questions, similar, but different: What did itmean—how had this come about? And what did she think of me now?
　　I could answer that last one. If I forced her into this empty half-life through myweakness and selfishness, surely she would hate me.
　　  But there was one more horrifying image—worse than any image I’d ever heldinside my head.
　　My own eyes, deep crimson with human blood, the eyes of the monster. Bella’sbroken body in my arms, ashy white, drained, lifeless. It was so concrete, so clear.
　　I couldn’t stand to see this. Could not bear it. I tried to banish it from my mind,tried to see something else, anything else. Tried to see again the expression on her livingface that had obstructed my view for the last chapter of my existence. All to no avail.
　　Alice’s bleak vision filled my head, and I writhed internally with the agony itcaused. Meanwhile, the monster in me was overflowing with glee, jubilant at thelikelihood of his success. It sickened me.
　　This could not be allowed. There had to be a way to circumvent the future. Iwould not let Alice’s visions direct me. I could choose a different path. There wasalways a choice.
　　There had to be.　　第四章 幻像我回到学校。这是正确的做法，这么做最不会引起人们注意。
　　这天快结束的时候，几乎所有学生都回来上课了，只有泰勒和贝拉，还有少数几个人——可能是把这场意外当作是逃学的借口——依然缺席。
　　对我来说，要做恰当的事不会很难。可是整个下午，我都在咬紧牙关抵挡自己想要逃学的强烈愿望——为的是再次寻找那个女孩。
　　就像一个潜行者，一个被时刻困扰住的潜行者，一个被时刻困扰住的吸血鬼潜行者。
　　学校今天——不知怎么的——似乎比刚刚过去的那个星期更乏味。仿佛晕眩一般。砖头、树木、天空，还有我周围那些脸孔，好像都变得歪曲了，我盯着墙上的裂缝。
　　还有一件正确的事是我应该做的，可我没有。当然，那也是一件错误的事。这要看你怎么看。
　　作为卡伦家的一员——不仅仅是一个吸血鬼，而是作为卡伦家的一份子，作为这个家的一员，我应该像这么做：
　　（看到你回来上课，我太惊讶了，爱德华！我听说你卷入了早上那场可怕的意外。”
　　“是的，班纳先生，不过我很幸运。”带着友好的笑容。“我没有受伤。真希望泰勒和贝拉也能这样。”
　　“他们怎么样了？”
　　“泰勒很好只是一点皮外伤，被玻璃刮伤的。至于贝拉，我就不清楚了。”担忧地皱眉，“她可能受了脑震荡。我听说她现在说话语无伦次——甚至出现幻觉。我知道医生很担心她。”）事情本该如此。我知道为了我们家我应该这么做。
　　“看到你回来上课我太惊讶了，爱德华！我听说你卷入了早上那场可怕的意外。”
　　“我没事。”没有笑容。
　　班纳先生感到不自在。
　　“你知道泰勒和贝拉斯旺怎么样了吗？我听说有人受伤了”
　　我冷淡地耸肩。“我不知道。”
　　班纳先生清了清嗓子。“呃……好吧……”我冰冷的目光让他的声音听起来有点紧张。
　　他快步走回课室前面开始讲课。
　　这么做是错误的。除非你从另外一个角度来看。
　　在背后中伤那个女孩似乎不太仗义，尤其是事实证明她比我原先想的更值得信赖。她没有对任何人泄露我的秘密，尽管她完全有理由这么做。在她替我保守秘密的时候，我要背叛她吗？
　　我对高夫人也是这番说辞——只不过是用西班牙语而非英语——爱美特久久地注视着我。
　　（我希望你对今天发生的事有一个很好的解释，罗斯正准备采取行动呢。）我移开目光没有看他。
　　实际上，我已经有了一个听起来很好的解释。假设我没有阻止那辆卡车撞向那女孩……这种想法让我畏缩了一下。但是如果她被卡车撞到了，如果她被撞得鲜血淋漓，那鲜红的液体就会喷出来，洒满整条柏油路，鲜血的香气将渗透在空气中……我又打了一个哆嗦，但不仅仅是因为恐惧。我因渴望而颤抖。不，我不能让她在我面前流血，这只会以一种更骇人的方式把我们暴露出来。
　　 这个理由听起来很完美，但我不打算用它，因为这太丢脸了。
　　而且不管怎么说，这个理由是我事后才想到的。
　　去找贾斯帕，爱美特出去了，没有察觉到我陷入沉思。他看起来不那么生气……不过好像下定了决心。
　　我看到他是什么意思了，一瞬间房间在我眼前扭曲。我出离愤怒，眼前笼罩着一片红雾，我想我快要窒息了。
　　天啊，爱德华，控制住你自己！爱美特在他的脑子里冲我大叫。他把手压住我的肩膀，在我要跳起来之前把我按在座位上。他很少会用尽全力——基本上没有必要，因为他比我们曾经遇到过的任何一个吸血鬼都要强壮——不过他现在正用尽全力。他夹住我的胳膊，差点把我推倒。如果他不这样做的话，我底下那张椅子就会倒塌。
　　放松点儿。他命令我。
　　我试图让自己镇静下来，但那很难。怒火还在我体内燃烧。
　　在我们谈完之前，贾斯帕不会采取任何行动。我只是想你应该知道他打算干什么。
　　我感觉到爱美特松开了手臂。
　　别再干蠢事了！你已经够危险的了！
　　我深吸了一口气，爱美特放开了我。
    我例行公事地搜索了一遍这房间，不过我们的对质是那么的短暂和安静，只有坐在爱美特后面的那几个人留意到了，他们不知道这是怎么回事，所以他们耸耸肩置之不理。卡伦一家都是怪物——大家早就知道了。
　　该死的，小子！你看起来糟透了。爱美特加上一句，声音里不无同情。
　　“咬我吧。”我轻声嘟哝，然后我听到他低声笑了。
　　爱美特没有感到不满，我很感激他这么容易相处的个性。不过我看得出贾斯帕的打算正影响着爱美特，他正考虑怎么做才是最好的。
　　我的盛怒正蓄势待发，只不过现在被压制住了。没错，爱美特是比我强壮，不过他也不能在摔跤比赛中击败我。他声称这是因为我作弊，然而听到想法正是我的优势，正如力气是他的优势一样。我们在搏斗中也是旗鼓相当。
　　一场战斗？事情会朝着这个方向发展吗？我会为了一个刚刚认识的人而同我的整个家族作战吗？
　　我沉思片刻，我在想那女孩的身体在我臂膀中时那份脆弱的感觉，想到贾斯帕、罗斯和爱美特——超自然的力量和速度，天生的杀人机器。
　　是的，我会为她而战，对抗我的整个家族。我颤抖了。
　　不过，单打独斗我不可能获胜，我不能一个对付他们三个，我想知道谁会站在我这边。
　　卡莱尔无疑会站在我这边。他不会跟任何人战斗，不过他会彻底反对罗斯和贾斯帕的计划。
　　这也许就是我想要的。我能看到……爱斯梅就不一定了。她不会站到反对我的那一边，而且她也不喜欢跟卡莱尔意见不一，不过她会想尽一切办法让我们家保持团结。如果说卡莱尔是我们家的灵魂，那么爱斯梅就是我们 家的心脏。他是我们的领导者，我们追随着他，而她则将这种追随变成一种爱。我们都彼此深爱对方——尽管现在我体内充满对罗斯和贾斯帕的盛怒，尽管我正准备为了救那女孩而与他们为战，我知道我依然深爱他们。
　　爱丽丝我没有什么主意。这也许要依赖于她所预见的。我猜她将会站在胜利的一方。
　　那么，现在我正孤立无援。论单打独斗，我不是他们的对手，但是我不会让那个女孩因为我而受伤害。这是一种逃避责任的行为一股突如其来的黑色幽默让我的愤怒减弱了些，我能想像那个女孩对我的诱骗行为会有怎样的反应。当然，对于她的反应，我很少能猜对——不过除了厌恶之外，她还能有什么别的反应呢？
　　我不知道该怎么做——诱骗她。我不能长时间待在她身边。也许我应该把她送回她母亲身边。
　　尽管这么做会有多么危险。为了她。
　　这也是为了我，我突然意识到。如果我让她死于那场意外……我不能肯定那会带给我多大的痛苦，但我知道那一定会极其强烈。
　　当我把摆在我面前的难题都深思熟虑过一遍的时候，时间飞快过去了。家里一场争论正等着我，和我家人起冲突，这一点我不得不去面对好吧，我再也不能抱怨学校之外的生活是那么单调乏味了。那个女孩已经大大改变了它。
　　下课铃打响后，爱美特和我安静地走向车子。他正在担心我，也担心罗莎莉。他知道在这场争辩中他不得不支持哪一方，这让他感到烦恼。
　　其余的人正在车里等着我们，全都很安静。我们这群人都很安静。只有我能听见那些喊声。
　　白痴！疯子！傻瓜！自私、不负责任的蠢货！罗莎莉气炸了肺，一连串难听的咒骂从她脑子里涌出来。这让我很难听见别人的声音，不过我尽可能忽略掉她。
　　爱丽丝正陷入麻烦中，她正担心贾斯帕，匆匆查看未来的影像。不管从哪个方向看，贾斯帕向那女孩走去，爱丽丝总能看到我在那里，和他搏斗。有趣的是，罗莎莉和爱美特都不在这些影像里。看来贾斯帕是打算单独行动。那我们就可以势均力敌了。
　　贾斯帕无疑是我们当中最优秀、经验最丰富的战士。我最有利的条件是，当他采取行动之前，我可以听见。
　　除了玩耍，我从来没有和贾斯帕、爱美特交过手——一想到我会真的伤害贾斯帕，我就感到不快。
　　不，不是那样的。仅仅是阻挡他，那就行了。
　　我将注意力集中在爱丽丝身上，熟记贾斯帕不同的进攻手段。
　　当我这样做的时候，她的影像转变了，远离斯旺家，朝更遥远更遥远的未来搜索……我会提前截下他……停下来，爱德华！这样的事情不会发生的！我不会让它发生！
　　我没有回应她，继续看着。
　　她开始搜寻更遥远的未来，那模糊不清的，难以把握的遥远的领域。一切都像影子一般模糊不清。
　　 当我们全部到家后，这份暴风雨来临之前的死寂还没有解除。我把车子停进房子后面的车库里，卡莱尔的黑色奔驰停在那里，挨着爱美特的大吉普，罗莎莉的M3 和我的阿奇顿?马丁。
　　我很高兴卡莱尔在家——这样的沉默即将结束，我希望当事情发生时他能够在场。
　　我们径直走进餐厅。
　　当然这间餐厅从来没有被派上用场。不过它摆放了一张长长的椭圆形的红木桌子，周围放了一圈椅子——我们一丝不苟地按照餐厅应有的样子来布置它。卡莱尔喜欢用它来作会议室。
　　对这样一个如此强劲而又极具攻击性的群体来说，有时候很有必要心平气和地坐下来讨论问题。
　　我觉得这样的环境对今天这种情况不会有多大帮助。
　　卡莱尔坐在餐厅东面他常用的位子上，爱斯梅站在他旁边，他们握住的手放在桌面上。
　　爱斯梅看着我，金色眼珠里充满了焦虑。
　　留下来。她的脑子里只有这个想法。
　　我真的很想向这个如我生母一般的女人微笑，不过我现在对她仍有疑虑。
　　我坐在卡莱尔的另一边。艾斯梅的手臂绕过卡莱尔，用另外一只手搭在我的肩膀上。她不知道接下来将发生什么事，她只是在替我担心。
　　卡莱尔的感觉比她要敏锐。他的嘴唇紧抿，前额出现皱纹。这个表情对他年青的脸庞来说太老了。
　　当全部人都就坐后，我看到了一条分界线。
　　罗莎莉径直走到卡莱尔的对面坐下，坐在长桌的另一头。她用愤怒的目光注视着我。
　　爱美特坐在她旁边，他的脸和想法都是苦笑的。
　　贾斯帕犹豫了片刻，然后就走到罗莎莉身后，紧贴墙站着。他已经下定决心了，不管这场讨论的结果如何。我咬紧牙关。
　　爱丽丝是最后一个进来的，她的目光仍注视着远方——未来，那对她来说依然模糊不清，难以把握。她似乎想也不想地就坐在爱斯梅身边。她揉着额头，好像得了头疼一样。贾斯帕不安地抽搐了一下，他想走到她那边去，不过还是留在原地。
　　我深深吸了口气。我必须先开始——我得先说。
　　“我很抱歉。”我说道，我首先看了罗莎莉一眼，然后是贾斯帕和爱美特。“我并不想让你们中的任何一个卷入危险。我会为我轻率的行为负全部责任。”
　　罗莎莉恶狠狠地瞪着我。“你是什么意思，‘负全部责任’，你打算弥补它吗？”
　　“不是用你想的那种方式，”我轻声说道，迫使自己的声音平稳宁静，“如果能让情况变好的话，我非常愿意现在离开。”如果我能确信那个女孩是安全的，如果我能确信你们中没有人会伤害她。我在脑子里订正。
　　“不，”爱斯梅低语。“别这么做，爱德华。”
　　我拍了拍她的手。“只是短短几年。”
　　“爱斯梅说得没错，”爱美特说，“你现在哪儿也不能去。离开无济于事。我们必需知道人们是怎么想的，比以前更需要。”
　　“爱丽丝会关注的。”我不同意道。
　　卡莱尔摇头。“爱斯梅说得对。如果你走了，那个女孩可能会更加谈论你。要么我们都离开，要么我们一个也不走。”
　　“她什么也不会说的。”我飞快地说，语气很坚决。罗斯正打算发作，我希望这一事实能先提出来。
　　“你不知道她的心思。”卡莱尔提醒我。
　　“我知道得很清楚，爱丽丝会支持我。”
　　爱丽丝疲倦地抬眼看我。“我不知道接下来会发生什么——如果我们置之不理的话。”她朝罗 莎莉和贾斯帕看了一眼。
　　是的，她看不见未来——要是罗莎莉和贾斯帕执意要采取行动的话。
　　罗莎莉砰地一声将手重重地拍在桌子上。“我们不能让人有机会对我们说三道四。卡莱尔，你应该知道的。即使我们决定全部离开，那些留下来的风言风语也会让我们不安全。我们的生活方式跟我们的族类是那么地不同——你知道总有人爱找借口指责我们。我们不得不比任何人都小心。”
　　“我们之前已经留下风言风语了。”我提醒她。
　　“那些只是谣言和猜测，爱德华，并没有目击者和证据。”
　　“证据。”我嘲笑道。
　　不过贾斯帕点了点头，他的目光冷酷无情。
　　“罗斯——”卡莱尔开始说道。
　　“让我把话说完，卡莱尔。我们不必夸大问题的严重性。那个女孩今天撞到了头，那么很可能她的伤势会比看起来的变得更严重。”罗莎莉耸耸肩。“每个人都有可能会一睡不醒。从技术层面上说，这本来是爱德华的活儿，不过很显然他现在干不了啦。你知道我可以控制自己，我不会留下任何证据的。”
　　“是啊，罗莎莉，我们都知道你有多么精通暗杀。”我咆哮说。
　　她愤怒地对我发出嘘声。
　　“爱德华，求你了。”卡莱尔说道，然后他转向罗莎莉。“罗莎莉，我用另一种方式看待罗彻斯特的事，因为我觉得你应该得到你的公正。你杀死的那些男人对你犯下不可饶恕的罪过。
　　但是现在的情况不一样。那个叫斯旺的女孩是无辜的。”
　　“这不是为了我自己，卡莱尔。”罗莎莉从牙缝里挤出这句话，“这是为了保护我们大家。”
　　在卡莱尔作出回复前，房子里出现了片刻的宁静。她本该知道的。即使我没有读心的能力，我也能料到他接下来会说什么。卡莱尔从不妥协。
　　“我知道你的好意，罗莎莉……但是，我更情愿我们能保护那些更有价值的东西。偶尔，我们会令人懊悔地出现一些控制之下的意外或失误，”他说的“我们”似乎也包括他自己，尽管他从来也没有失误过。“可残忍地杀害一个孩子是另一回事。我相信她的存在将给我们带来危险，不管她会不会将她的怀疑告诉别人，但这并不是最大的威胁。如果我们要为了保护自己而违背原则，那么我们将冒更严重的风险。我们将冒失去我们最可贵的本质的风险。”
　　我小心翼翼地控制自己的表情。我不该咧开嘴笑或鼓掌称赞，虽然我很想这么做。
　　罗莎莉面露怒色。“这是负责任的做法。”
　　“这是无情的。”卡莱尔轻柔地纠正她，“每一个生命都是弥足珍贵的。”
　　罗莎莉重重地叹气，撅起嘴唇。爱美特拍拍她的肩膀。“一切都会好起来的，罗斯。”他低声鼓励她。
　　“现在的问题是……”卡莱尔继续说，“我们是不是应该离开这里？”
　　“不，”罗莎莉呻吟道，“我们才刚刚安顿下来。我不想留在高中再读一次二年级。”
　　“你当然可以保持你现在的年纪。”卡莱尔说道。
　　“我们一定要这么快搬走吗？”她反对说。
　　 卡莱尔耸耸肩。
　　“我喜欢这儿！这里阳光稀少，我们几乎可以和正常人一样。”
　　“好吧，我们用不着现在就做决定。我们可以等等看是否有这个必要。爱德华似乎很肯定那个女孩会保持沉默。”
　　罗莎莉轻蔑地喷鼻。
　　不过我已经用不着担心罗斯了。我知道她会按照卡莱尔的决定去做，不管现在她有多生我的气。他们的谈话正朝着一些不重要的细节发展。
　　贾斯帕还是无动于衷。
　　我能理解这是为什么。在他遇到爱丽丝以前，他一直生活在战争地带，经受过无情的战火的洗礼。他知道藐视规则的后果——他亲眼目睹过这可怕的后果。
　　“贾斯帕。”我说道。
　　他面无表情地看着我。
　　“她不该为我的错误付出代价。我不允许你这么做。”
　　“那么她从中获益了。她今天本来应该死的，爱德华。我只是纠正它。”
　　我把话重复了一遍，一字一句地强调：“我不允许你这么做。”
　　他的眉头挑高了。他没有料到这一点——他没有料到我会阻止他。
　　他摇一下头。“我不会让爱丽丝生活在危险中，哪怕是微不足道的危险。你不会像我那样考虑她，而且你没有经历过我经历的生活，不管你有没有在我记忆里看见过。你不理解。”
　　“我不想和你辩论那个，贾斯帕。但是我现在告诉你，我不准你伤害贝拉?斯旺。”
　　我们盯着对方——不是凝视，而是在权衡对手。我感觉到他在体验我的情绪，测试我的决心。
　　“杰斯。”爱丽丝打断了我们。
　　他看向她“不要告诉我你能保护好自己，爱丽丝。我已经知道了。我还是要——”
　　“我不是要说这个……”爱丽丝打断他说，“我只是想请你帮个忙。”
　　我看见她脑子里的图像，我张大了嘴巴，倒吸一口凉气。我惊愕地瞪着她，心不在焉地意识到除了爱丽丝和贾斯帕之外，每个人都在警惕地看着我。
　　“我知道你爱我，谢谢你。不过如果你能够尝试不杀死贝拉的话，我会感激不尽的。首先，爱德华是认真的，我不想你们两个打起来。其次，她是我的朋友。至少，她将会成为我的朋友。”
　　她脑海中的图像就像镜子一样清晰：爱丽丝带着微笑，将她冰冷而苍白的手搭住那女孩温暖、单薄的肩膀。贝拉也在微笑，她的手臂挽住爱丽丝的腰。
　　这幅图景十分真实，只是它出现的时机令人毫无把握。
　　“可是爱丽丝，”贾斯帕喘着气说，我没办法转过头去看他的表情。我无法从爱丽丝脑中的图像里抽身出来去听他的声音。
　　“我会爱她，在将来的某一天，杰斯。如果你不放过她的话，我会和你翻脸的。”
　　她的想法困住了我。我看见未来正闪烁微光，而贾斯帕在面对爱丽丝意想不到的请求时，内心挣扎不定。
　　“啊，”爱丽丝叹息——他的优柔寡断替一个新的未来扫清了障碍。“看到了吗？贝拉不会说什么的。没什么好担心的。”
　　她说那女孩名字时的语气——就好像她们已经是心腹知己。
　　“爱丽丝——”我哽住了。“这是……什么……”
　　“我能告诉你一场改变即将到来。我不知道那是什么改变，爱德华。”不过她绷紧了下巴，我能看出那里还有更多的东西。她努力不去想它；她突然把注意力完全集中在贾斯帕身上，尽管他已经太过吃惊而无法再做决定了。
　　有时，当她试图向我隐瞒些什么的时候，她就会这么做。
　　“什么，爱丽丝？你想对我隐瞒什么？”
　　我听到爱美特在发牢骚。当我和爱丽丝在进行这种方式的谈话时，他总会感到挫败。
　　她摇头，不想让我走进她的脑子。
　　“是和那女孩有关的吗？”我追问。“和贝拉有关吗？”
　　她咬紧牙关，集中精神，不过当我说到贝拉的名字时，她犯了一个失误。她的失误仅仅持续了一秒钟，不过对我来说已经足够了。
　　“不！”我大叫道。我听到我的椅子撞倒在地，然后我才意识到自己站了起来。
　　“爱德华。”卡莱尔也站了起来，他的手按住我的肩膀。我几乎没有察觉。
　　“它变得更固定了，”爱丽丝低语，“每一分钟，你都变得更明确。留给她的只有两条路。这一条或者那一条，爱德华。”
　　我能看到她所预见的……但我不能接受。
　　“不。”我又说了一遍，我的否定软弱无力。我的脚同样软弱无力，我不得不扶住桌子边缘，让自己能站稳。
　　“谁能替我们其他人知道揭开谜底吗？”爱美特抱怨说。
　　“我得离开。”我对爱丽丝低语，不去管他。
　　“爱德华，这点我们已经讨论过了。”爱美特大声说道。“而且，如果你逃走了，我们就无法确定那个女孩会不会说出去了。你必须留下来处理这件事。”
　　“我没看见你去任何地方。”爱丽丝对我说。“我不知道你是不是还能离开。”（想一想这个吧，）她默默地加上一句，（想一想离开……）我明白她的意思。再也见不到那女孩，这个想法是那么令人痛苦。但是非如此不可。我不能允许有这样的未来。
　　（我还不能完全肯定贾斯帕，）爱丽丝继续想道，（如果你走了，如果他认为她对我们有危险……）“我不想听了。”我反驳她，不过我对我们的听众还不是十拿九稳。贾斯帕正摇摆不定。他不想做出一些伤害爱丽丝的事。
　　（现在还不是时候。你想毫无防备地离开她，让她冒生命危险吗？）“你为什么要这样对待我？”我呻吟着，把脸埋进掌心。
　　（我也爱她。或者说我将会爱她。这跟你的不一样，不过我需要她在身边。）“也爱她？”我低语，带着疑惑。
　　她叹息着。（你是多么盲目啊，爱德华。难道你看不见自己正朝哪个方向前进吗？难道你看不见你已经陷进去了吗？这是不可避免的，就像太阳一定会从东方升起一样。看见我所预见的……）我惊悸地摇头。“不。”我试图排斥她向我透露的景象。“我不会允许这种事情发生的，我会离开，我会改变未来……”
　　“你可以尝试。”她说道，声音里充满怀疑。
　　“哦，得了吧。”爱美特咆哮道。
　　 “专心点。”罗莎莉向他发出嘘声。“爱丽丝看见他爱上人类。那么正统的爱德华！”她取笑道。
　　我几乎没听见她在说什么。
　　“什么？”爱美特震惊地说，然后他大笑起来，笑声回荡在房间里。“已经开始了吗？”他再度大笑。“破天荒啊，爱德华。”
　　我感觉他的手放在我的肩膀上，我茫然地甩开了。我没法把注意力放在他身上。
　　“爱上一个人类？”艾斯梅用大吃一惊的语气重复。“是那个他今天救下的女孩吗？他爱上了她吗？”
　　“你究竟看见了什么？”贾斯帕询问。
　　她转向他，我依然瞪着她的侧脸，呆若木鸡。
　　“这要看他是否足够坚强。要么爱德华将亲手杀死她”——她转过来与我对视，“那真的让我很着急，爱德华，更不用说那对你的影响了——”她把脸再次转向贾斯帕，“要么她将在某一天成为我们中的一员。”
　　有人倒吸了口凉气，我没有去看是谁。
　　“这不会发生！”我再次朝她大喊。“两种都不会。”
　　爱丽丝好像没有听到我的话。“这完全视情况而定。”她重复道，“也许他足够坚强，能够不杀死她——不过会很接近。那需要极大的自控力。”她沉思自语说。“甚至比卡莱尔更多。他也许只是勉强够坚强……他唯一无法做到的就是让自己坚强到离开她。那是注定要失败的行为。”
　　我不能说话了。没有一个人能开口说话。房间一片死寂。
　　我盯着爱丽丝，其他人都盯着我看。我能够从五个不同的角度看见自己惊悸的表情。
　　良久过后，卡莱尔叹息。
　　“好吧……这事很复杂。”
　　“我也这么看。”爱美特表示同意。他的声音还带着笑意。相信爱美特已经在我被毁掉的人生里找到乐趣了。
　　“不过，我想我们还是照原定计划。”卡莱尔思付道。“我们会留下来，看一看……很显然，没有人会伤害那个女孩。”
　　我的身体变得僵硬了。
　　“对。”贾斯帕静静地说道。“我同意。如果爱丽丝只看到两条路——”
　　“不！”我的声音不像叫喊，不像咆哮或者是绝望的哭喊，而是三者合一。“不！”
　　我必须离开，远离他们的噪声——罗莎莉的嫌恶，爱美特的诙谐，卡莱尔永无止境的耐心……更糟的是：爱丽丝的自信。贾斯帕建立在她的自信上的自信。
　　最最糟糕的是：艾斯梅的……高兴？
　　我大步走出房间。当我擦身而过时，艾斯梅伸手碰了碰我的肩膀，我对她这一表示毫无谢意。
　　在我走出房子前，我已经跑起来了。我一跳越过小河，迅速掠进森林。雨又回来了，下得那么大，我很快就浑身湿透。我喜欢这密集的水流，好像一堵墙，将我和外面的世界隔开。它们包围着我，让我可以一个人待着。
　　 我朝东面奔跑，笔直地穿过山峦，直到我看到西雅图的灯火。在我快要踏进人类文明的边界线时，我停了下来。
　　在我独自躲在雨中时，我终于能让自己去审视我的所作所为——审视被我弄得残破不堪的未来。
　　首先，爱丽丝和那女孩手挽手走在一起的情景——信任和友谊是那么地明显，从图像中呼之欲出。贝拉大大的巧克力色的眼睛里没有迷惑，但仍然充满了秘密——在那一刻，它们似乎是愉快的秘密。她没有因爱丽丝冰冷的手臂而退缩。
　　那是什么意思？她了解多少？她是怎么看我的？
　　然后是另一幅图像，几乎和第一幅一样，然而现在染上了令人恐惧的色彩。爱丽丝和贝拉，她们的手臂仍然缠绕在一起，带着信任和友谊。然而现在这两条手臂变得毫无区别——同样苍白，像大理石一样光滑，像钢铁一样坚硬。贝拉的大眼睛不再是巧克力色的了。她的虹膜变成了一种令人触目惊心的，鲜艳的深红色。那双眼眸中的秘密变成了难解的谜——是认可还是凄凉？我无法分辨。她的脸孔冰冷，永生不朽。
　　我战栗了。我无法压抑内心的疑问，相同却又不一样的疑问：这是什么意思？——它是怎么发生的？还有，她现在会怎么看我？
　　我可以回答最后那个问题。如果我把她推向这种空虚的人生，因着我的软弱和自私。她一定会恨我。
　　然而，还有一个更恐怖的图景——比我脑海中见过的任何图景都可怕。
　　我自己的眼睛，被人类的鲜血染红的眼睛，那双魔鬼的眼睛。在我的臂膀中，贝拉破碎的身体变得苍白、僵硬、毫无生气。这是那么明确，那么清晰。
　　我再也看不下去了。再也不能承受。我试图将它从我脑子里驱逐出去，试图去看别的东西，别的什么都行。我试图再看一眼她的表情，她那活生生的脸孔上的表情，让它堵住我的视线，成为我生命中最后一个章节。
　　爱丽丝阴冷的幻象充斥着我的大脑。与此同时，我体内的魔鬼正溢满欢喜，为他成功的可能性欢呼雀跃。这让我恶心。
　　这是不被允许的。一定有别的办法回避这个未来。我不会被爱丽丝的幻象牵着鼻子走。我可以选择一条不同的道路。我们总是可以选择的。
　　一定可以。
Chapter 5 Invitations
High school. Purgatory no longer, it was now purely hell. Torment and fire…yes, I hadboth.
　　I was doing everything correctly now. Every “i” dotted, every “t” crossed. Noone could complain that I was shirking my responsibilities.
　　To please Esme and protect the others, I stayed in Forks. I returned to my oldschedule. I hunted no more than the rest of them. Everyday, I attended high school andplayed human. Everyday, I listened carefully for anything new about the Cullens—therenever was anything new. The girl did not speak one word of her suspicions. She justrepeated the same story again and again—I’d been standing with her and then pulled herout of the way—till her eager listeners got bored and stopped looking for more details.
　　There was no danger. My hasty action had hurt no one.
　　No one but myself.
　　I was determined to change the future. Not the easiest task to set for oneself, butthere was no other choice that I could live with.
　　Alice said that I would not be strong enough to stay away from the girl. I wouldprove her wrong.
　　I’d thought the first day would be the hardest. By the end of it, I’d been sure thatwas the case. I’d been wrong, though.
　　It had rankled, knowing that I would hurt the girl. I’d comforted myself with thefact that her pain would be nothing more than a pinprick—just a tiny sting of rejection—compared to mine. Bella was human, and she knew that I was something else, somethingwrong, something frightening. She would probably be more relieved than wounded whenI turned my face away from her and pretended that she didn’t exist.
　　“Hello, Edward,” she’d greeted me, that first day back in biology. Her voice hadbeen pleasant, friendly, one hundred and eighty degrees from the last time I’d spokenwith her.
　　  Why? What did the change mean? Had she forgotten? Decided she hadimagined the whole episode? Could she possibly have forgiven me for not followingthrough on my promise?
　　The questions had burned like the thirst that attacked me every time I breathed.
　　Just one moment to look in her eyes. Just to see if I could read the answersthere…No. I could not allow myself even that. Not if I was going to change the future.
　　I’d moved my chin an inch in her direction without looking away from the frontof the room. I’d nodded once, and then turned my face straight forward.
　　She did not speak to me again.
　　That afternoon, as soon as school was finished, my role played, I ran to Seattle asI had the day before. It seemed that I could handle the aching just slightly better when Iwas flying over the ground, turning everything around me into a green blur.
　　This run became my daily habit.
　　Did I love her? I did not think so. Not yet. Alice’s glimpses of that future hadstuck with me, though, and I could see how easy it would be to fall into loving Bella. Itwould be exactly like falling: effortless. Not letting myself love her was the opposite offalling—it was pulling myself up a cliff-face, hand over hand, the task as grueling as if Ihad no more than mortal strength.
　　More than a month passed, and every day it got harder. That made no sense tome—I kept waiting to get over it, to have it get easier. This must be what Alice hadmeant when she’d predicted that I would not be able to stay away from the girl. She hadseen the escalation of the pain. But I could handle pain.
　　I would not destroy Bella’s future. If I was destined to love her, then wasn’tavoiding her the very least I could do?
　　Avoiding her was about the limit of what I could bear, though. I could pretend toignore her, and never look her way. I could pretend that she was of no interest to me.
　　But that was the extent, just pretense and not reality.
　　I still hung on every breath she took, every word she said.
　　I lumped my torments into four categories.
　　  The first two were familiar. Her scent and her silence. Or, rather—to take theresponsibility on myself where it belonged—my thirst and my curiosity.
　　The thirst was the most primal of my torments. It was my habit now to simply notbreathe at all in Biology. Of course, there were always the exceptions—when I had toanswer a question or something of the sort, and I would need my breath to speak. Eachtime I tasted the air around the girl, it was the same as the first day—fire and need andbrutal violence desperate to break free. It was hard to cling even slightly to reason orrestraint in those moments. And, just like that first day, the monster in me would roar, soclose to the surface…The curiosity was the most constant of my torments. The question was never outof my mind: What is she thinking now? When I heard her quietly sigh. When shetwisted a lock of hair absently around her finger. When she threw her books down withmore force than usual. When she rushed to class late. When she tapped her footimpatiently against the floor. Each movement caught in my peripheral vision was amaddening mystery. When she spoke to the other human students, I analyzed her everyword and tone. Was she speaking her thoughts, or what she thought she should say? Itoften sounded to me like she was trying to say what her audience expected, and thisreminded me of my family and our daily life of illusion—we were better at it than shewas. Unless I wrong about that, just imagining things. Why would she have to play arole? She was one of them—a human teenager.
　　Mike Newton was the most surprising of my torments. Who would have everdreamed that such a generic, boring mortal could be so infuriating? To be fair, I shouldhave felt some gratitude to the annoying boy; more than the others, he kept the girltalking. I learned so much about her through these conversations—I was still compilingmy list—but, contrarily, Mike’s assistance with this project only aggravated me more. Ididn’t want Mike to be the one that unlocked her secrets. I wanted to do that.
　　It helped that he never noticed her small revelations, her little slips. He knewnothing about her. He’d created a Bella in his head that didn’t exist—a girl just asgeneric as he was. He hadn’t observed the unselfishness and bravery that set her apartfrom other humans, he didn’t hear the abnormal maturity of her spoken thoughts. Hedidn’t perceive that when she spoke of her mother, she sounded like a parent speaking of  a child rather than the other way around—loving, indulgent, slightly amused, and fiercelyprotective. He didn’t hear the patience in her voice when she feigned interest in hisrambling stories, and didn’t guess at the kindness behind that patience.
　　Through her conversations with Mike, I was able to add the most importantquality to my list, the most revealing of them all, as simple as it was rare. Bella wasgood. All the other things added up to that whole—kind and self-effacing and unselfishand loving and brave—she was good through and through.
　　These helpful discoveries did not warm me to the boy, however. The possessiveway he viewed Bella—as if she were an acquisition to be made—provoked me almost asmuch as his crude fantasies about her. He was becoming more confident of her, too, asthe time passed, for she seemed to prefer him over those he considered his rivals—TylerCrowley, Eric Yorkie, and even, sporadically, myself. He would routinely sit on her sideof our table before class began, chattering at her, encouraged by her smiles. Just politesmiles, I told myself. All the same, I frequently amused myself by imaginingbackhanding him across the room and into the far wall… It probably wouldn’t injure himfatally…Mike didn’t often think of me as a rival. After the accident, he’d worried thatBella and I would bond from the shared experience, but obviously the opposite hadresulted. Back then, he had still been bothered that I’d singled Bella out over her peersfor attention. But now I ignored her just as thoroughly as the others, and he grewcomplacent.
　　What was she thinking now? Did she welcome his attention?
　　And, finally, the last of my torments, the most painful: Bella’s indifference. As Iignored her, she ignored me. She never tried to speak to me again. For all I knew, shenever thought about me at all.
　　This might have driven me mad—or even broken my resolution to change thefuture—except that she sometimes stared at me like she had before. I didn’t see it formyself, as I could not allow myself to look at her, but Alice always warned us when shewas about to stare; the others were still wary of the girl’s problematic knowledge.
　　It eased some of the pain that she gazed at me from across a distance, every nowand then. Of course, she could just be wondering what kind of a freak I was.
　　  “Bella’s going to stare at Edward in a minute. Look normal,” Alice said oneTuesday in March, and the others were careful to fidget and shift their weight likehumans; absolute stillness was a marker of our kind.
　　I paid attention to how often she looked my direction. It pleased me, though itshould not, that the frequency did not decline as the time passed. I didn’t know what itmeant, but it made me feel better.
　　Alice sighed. I wish…“Stay out of it, Alice,” I said under my breath. “It’s not going to happen.”
　　She pouted. Alice was anxious to form her envisioned friendship with Bella. In astrange way, she missed the girl she didn’t know.
　　I’ll admit, you’re better than I thought. You’ve got the future all snarled up andsenseless again. I hope you’re happy.
　　“It makes plenty of sense to me.”
　　She snorted delicately.
　　I tried to shut her out, too impatient for conversation. I wasn’t in a very goodmood—tenser than I let any of them see. Only Jasper was aware of how tightly wound Iwas, feeling the stress emanate out of me with his unique ability to both sense andinfluence the moods of others. He didn’t understand the reasons behind the moods,though, and—since I was constantly in a foul mood these days—he disregarded it.
　　Today would be a hard one. Harder than the day before, as was the pattern.
　　Mike Newton, the odious boy whom I could not allow myself to rival, was goingto ask Bella on a date.
　　A girl’s choice dance was on the near horizon, and he’d been hoping very muchthat Bella would ask him. That she had not done so had rattled his confidence. Now hewas in an uncomfortable bind—I enjoyed his discomfort more than I should—becauseJessica Stanley had just asked him to the dance. He didn’t want to say “yes,” still hopefulthat Bella would choose him (and prove him the victor over his rivals), but he didn’t wantto say “no” and end up missing the dance altogether. Jessica, hurt by his hesitation andguessing the reason behind it, was thinking daggers at Bella. Again, I had the instinct toplace myself between Jessica’s angry thoughts and Bella. I understood the instinct betternow, but that only made it more frustrating when I could not act on it.
　　  To think it had come to this! I was utterly fixated on the petty high school dramasthat I’d once held so in contempt.
　　Mike was working up his nerve as he walked Bella to biology. I listened to hisstruggles as I waited for them to arrive. The boy was weak. He had waited for this dancepurposely, afraid to make his infatuation known before she had shown a markedpreference for him. He didn’t want to make himself vulnerable to rejection, preferringthat she make that leap first.
　　Coward.
　　He sat down on our table again, comfortable with long familiarity, and I imaginedthe sound it would make if his body hit the opposite wall with enough force to break mostof his bones.
　　“So,” he said to the girl, his eyes on the floor. “Jessica asked me to the springdance.”
　　“That’s great,” Bella answered immediately and with enthusiasm. It was hard notto smile as her tone sunk in to Mike’s awareness. He’d been hoping for dismay. “You’llhave a lot of fun with Jessica.”
　　He scrambled for the right response. “Well…” he hesitated, and almostchickened out. Then he rallied. “I told her I had to think about it.”
　　“Why would you do that?” she demanded. Her tone was one of disapproval, butthere was the faintest hint of relief there as well.
　　What did that mean? An unexpected, intense fury made my hands clench intofists.
　　Mike did not hear the relief. His face was red with blood—fierce as I suddenlyfelt, this seemed like an invitation—and he looked at the floor again as he spoke.
　　“I was wondering if…well, if you might be planning to ask me.”
　　Bella hesitated.
　　In that moment of her hesitation, I saw the future more clearly than Alice everhad.
　　The girl might say yes to Mike’s unspoken question now, and she might not, buteither way, someday soon, she would say yes to someone. She was lovely and intriguing,and human males were not oblivious to this fact. Whether she would settle for someone  in this lackluster crowd, or wait until she was free from Forks, the day would come thatshe would say yes.
　　I saw her life as I had before—college, career…love, marriage. I saw her on herfather’s arm again, dressed in gauzy white, her face flushed with happiness as she movedto the sound of Wagner’s march.
　　The pain was more than anything I’d felt before. A human would have to be onthe point of death to feel this pain—a human would not live through it.
　　And not just pain, but outright rage.
　　The fury ached for some kind of physical outlet. Though this insignificant,undeserving boy might not be the one that Bella would say yes to, I yearned to crush hisskull in my hand, to let him stand as a representative for whoever it would be.
　　I didn’t understand this emotion—it was such a tangle of pain and rage and desireand despair. I had never felt it before; I couldn’t put a name to it.
　　“Mike, I think you should tell her yes,” Bella said in a gentle voice.
　　Mike’s hopes plummeted. I would have enjoyed that under other circumstances,but I was lost in the aftershock of the pain—and the remorse for what the pain and ragehad done to me.
　　Alice was right. I was not strong enough.
　　Right now, Alice would be watching the future spin and twist, become mangledagain. Would this please her?
　　“Did you already ask someone?” Mike asked sullenly. He glanced at me,suspicious for the first time in many weeks. I realized I had betrayed my interest; myhead was inclined in Bella’s direction.
　　The wild envy in his thoughts—envy for whoever this girl preferred to him—suddenly put a name to my unnamed emotion.
　　I was jealous.
　　“No,” the girl said with a trace of humor in her voice. “I’m not going to the danceat all.”
　　Through all the remorse and anger, I felt relief at her words. Suddenly, I wasconsidering my rivals.
　　  “Why not?” Mike asked, his tone almost rude. It offended me that he used thistone with her. I bit back a growl.
　　“I’m going to Seattle that Saturday,” she answered.
　　The curiosity was not as vicious as it would have been before—now that I wasfully intending to find out the answers to everything. I would know the wheres and whysof this new revelation soon enough.
　　Mike’s tone turned unpleasantly wheedling. “Can’t you go some otherweekend?”
　　“Sorry, no.” Bella was brusquer now. “So you shouldn’t make Jess wait anylonger—it’s rude.”
　　Her concern for Jessica’s feelings fanned the flames of my jealousy. This Seattletrip was clearly an excuse to say no—did she refuse purely out of loyalty to her friend?
　　She was more than selfless enough for that. Did she actually wish she could say yes? Orwere both guesses wrong? Was she interested in someone else?
　　“Yeah, you’re right,” Mike mumbled, so demoralized that I almost felt pity forhim. Almost.
　　He dropped his eyes from the girl, cutting off my view of her face in his thoughts.
　　I wasn’t going to tolerate that.
　　I turned to read her face myself, for the first time in more than a month. It was asharp relief to allow myself this, like a gasp of air to long-submerged human lungs.
　　Her eyes were closed, and her hands pressed against the sides of her face. Hershoulders curved inward defensively. She shook her head ever so slightly, as if she weretrying to push some thought from her mind.
　　Frustrating. Fascinating.
　　Mr. Banner’s voice pulled her from her reverie, and her eyes slowly opened. Shelooked at me immediately, perhaps sensing my gaze. She stared up into my eyes with thesame bewildered expression that had haunted me for so long.
　　I didn’t feel the remorse or the guilt or the rage in that second. I knew they wouldcome again, and come soon, but for this one moment I rode a strange, jittery high. As if Ihad triumphed, rather than lost.
　　  She didn’t look away, though I stared with inappropriate intensity, trying vainly toread her thoughts through her liquid brown eyes. They were full of questions, rather thananswers.
　　I could see the reflection of my own eyes, and I saw that they were black withthirst. It had been nearly two weeks since my last hunting trip; this was not the safest dayfor my will to crumble. But the blackness did not seem to frighten her. She still did notlook away, and a soft, devastatingly appealing pink began to color her skin.
　　What was she thinking now?
　　I almost asked the question aloud, but at that moment Mr. Banner called myname. I picked the correct answer out of his head while I glanced briefly in his direction.
　　I sucked in a quick breath. “The Krebs Cycle.”
　　Thirst scorched down my throat—tightening my muscles and filling my mouthwith venom—and I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate through the desire for her bloodthat raged inside me.
　　The monster was stronger than before. The monster was rejoicing. He embracedthis dual future that gave him an even, fifty-fifty chance at what he craved so viciously.
　　The third, shaky future I’d tried to construct through willpower alone had crumbled—destroyed by common jealously, of all things—and he was so much closer to his goal.
　　The remorse and the guilt burned with the thirst, and, if I’d had the ability toproduce tears, they would have filled my eyes now.
　　What had I done?
　　Knowing the battle was already lost, there seemed to be no reason to resist what Iwanted; I turned to stare at the girl again.
　　She had hidden in her hair, but I could see through a parting in the tresses that hercheek was deep crimson now.
　　The monster liked that.
　　She did not meet my gaze again, but she twisted a strand of her dark hairnervously between her fingers. Her delicate fingers, her fragile wrist—they were sobreakable, looking for all the world like just my breath could snap them.
　　No, no, no. I could not do this. She was too breakable, too good, too precious todeserve this fate. I couldn’t allow my life to collide with hers, to destroy it.
　　  But I couldn’t stay away from her either. Alice was right about that.
　　The monster inside me hissed with frustration as I wavered, leaning first one way,then the other.
　　My brief hour with her passed all too quickly, as I vacillated between the rock andthe hard place. The bell rang, and she started collecting her things without looking at me.
　　This disappointed me, but I could hardly expect otherwise. The way I had treated hersince the accident was inexcusable.
　　“Bella?” I said, unable to stop myself. My willpower already lay in shreds.
　　She hesitated before looking at me; when she turned, her expression was guarded,distrustful.
　　I reminded myself that she had every right to distrust me. That she should.
　　She waited for me to continue, but I just stared at her, reading her face. I pulledin shallow mouthfuls of air at regular intervals, fighting my thirst.
　　“What?” she finally said. “Are you speaking to me again?” There was an edge ofresentment to her tone that was, like her anger, endearing. It made me want to smile.
　　I wasn’t sure how to answer her question. Was I speaking to her again, in thesense that she meant?
　　No. Not if I could help it. I would try to help it.
　　“No, not really,” I told her.
　　She closed her eyes, which frustrated me. It cut off my best avenue of access toher feelings. She took a long, slow breath without opening her eyes. Her jaw waslocked.
　　Eyes still closed, she spoke. Surely this was not a normal human way toconverse. Why did she do it?
　　“Then what do you want, Edward?”
　　The sound of my name on her lips did strange things to my body. If I’d had aheartbeat, it would have quickened.
　　But how to answer her?
　　With the truth, I decided. I would be as truthful as I could with her from now on.
　　I didn’t want to deserve her distrust, even if earning her trust was impossible.
　　  “I’m sorry,” I told her. That was truer than she would ever know. Unfortunately,I could only safely apologize for the trivial. “I’m being very rude, I know. But it’s betterthis way, really.”
　　I would be better for her if I could keep it up, continue to be rude. Could I?
　　Her eyes opened, their expression still wary.
　　“I don’t know what you mean.”
　　I tried to get as much of a warning through to her as was allowed. “It’s better ifwe’re not friends.” Surely, she could sense that much. She was a bright girl. “Trustme.”
　　Her eyes tightened, and I remembered that I had said those words to her before—just before breaking a promise. I winced when her teeth clenched together—she clearlyremembered, too.
　　“It’s too bad you didn’t figure that out earlier,” she said angrily. “You could havesaved yourself all this regret.”
　　I stared at her in shock. What did she know of my regrets?
　　“Regret? Regret for what?” I demanded.
　　“For not just letting that stupid van squish me!” she snapped.
　　I froze, stunned.
　　How could she be thinking that? Saving her life was the one acceptable thing I’ddone since I met her. The one thing that I was not ashamed of. The one and only thingthat made me glad I existed at all. I’d been fighting to keep her alive since the firstmoment I’d caught her scent. How could she think this of me? How dare she questionmy one good deed in all this mess?
　　“You think I regret saving your life?”
　　“I know you do,” she retorted.
　　Her estimation of my intentions left me seething. “You don’t know anything.”
　　How confusing and incomprehensible the workings of her mind were! She mustnot think in the same way as other humans at all. That must be the explanation behindher mental silence. She was entirely other.
　　  She jerked her face away, gritting her teeth again. Her cheeks were flushed, withanger this time. She slammed her books together in a pile, yanked them up into her arms,and marched toward the door without meeting my stare.
　　Even irritated as I was, it was impossible not to find her anger a bit entertaining.
　　She walked stiffly, without looking where she was going, and her foot caught onthe lip of the doorway. She stumbled, and her things all crashed to the ground. Insteadof bending to get them, she stood rigidly straight, not even looking down, as if she werenot sure the books were worth retrieving.
　　I managed not to laugh.
　　No one was here to watch me; I flitted to her side, and had her books put in orderbefore she looked down.
　　She bent halfway, saw me, and then froze. I handed her books back to her,making sure that my icy skin never touched hers.
　　“Thank you,” she said in a cold, severe voice.
　　Her tone brought back my irritation.
　　“You’re welcome,” I said just as coldly.
　　She wrenched herself upright and stomped away to her next class.
　　I watched until I could no longer see her angry figure.
　　Spanish passed in a blur. Mrs. Goff never questioned my abstraction—she knewmy Spanish was superior to hers, and she gave me a great deal of latitude—leaving mefree to think.
　　So, I couldn’t ignore the girl. That much was obvious. But did it mean I had nochoice but to destroy her? That could not be the only available future. There had to besome other choice, some delicate balance. I tried to think of a way…I didn’t pay much attention to Emmett until the hour was nearly up. He wascurious—Emmett was not overly intuitive about the shades in other’s moods, but hecould see the obvious change in me. He wondered what had happened to remove theunrelenting glower from my face. He struggled to define the change, and finally decidedthat I looked hopeful.
　　Hopeful? Is that what it looked like from the outside?
　　  I pondered the idea of hope as we walked to the Volvo, wondering what exactly Ishould be hoping for.
　　But I didn’t have long to ponder. Sensitive as I always was to thoughts about thegirl, the sound of Bella’s name in the heads of…of my rivals, I suppose I had to admit,caught my attention. Eric and Tyler, having heard—with much satisfaction—of Mike’sfailure, were preparing to make their moves.
　　Eric was already in place, positioned against her truck where she could not avoidhim. Tyler’s class was being held late to receive an assignment, and he was in adesperate hurry to catch her before she escaped.
　　This I had to see.
　　“Wait for the others here, all right?” I murmured to Emmett.
　　He eyed me suspiciously, but then shrugged and nodded.
　　Kid’s lost his mind, he thought, amused by my odd request.
　　I saw Bella on her way out of the gym, and I waited where she would not see mefor her to pass. As she got closer to Eric’s ambush, I strode forward, setting my pace sothat I would walk by at the right moment.
　　I watched her body stiffen when she caught sight of the boy waiting for her. Shefroze for a moment, then relaxed and moved forward.
　　“Hi, Eric,” I heard her call in a friendly voice.
　　I was abruptly and unexpectedly anxious. What if this gangly teen with hisunhealthy skin was somehow pleasing to her?
　　Eric swallowed loudly, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Hi, Bella.”
　　She seemed unconscious of his nervousness.
　　“What’s up?” she asked, unlocking her truck without looking at his frightenedexpression.
　　“Uh, I was just wondering…if you would go to the spring dance with me?” Hisvoice broke.
　　She finally looked up. Was she taken aback, or pleased? Eric couldn’t meet hergaze, so I couldn’t see her face in his mind.
　　“I thought it was girl’s choice,” she said, sounding flustered.
　　“Well, yeah,” he agreed wretchedly.
　　  This pitiable boy did not irritate me as much as Mike Newton did, but I couldn’tfind it in myself to feel sympathy for his angst until after Bella had answered him in agentle voice.
　　“Thank you for asking me, but I’m going to be in Seattle that day.”
　　He’d already heard this; still, it was a disappointment.
　　“Oh,” he mumbled, barely daring to raise his eyes to the level of her nose.
　　“Maybe next time.”
　　“Sure,” she agreed. Then she bit down on her lip, as if she regretted leaving him aloophole. I liked that.
　　Eric slumped forward and walked away, headed in the wrong direction from hiscar, his only thought escape.
　　I passed her in that moment, and heard her sigh of relief. I laughed.
　　She whirled at the sound, but I stared straight ahead, trying to keep my lips fromtwitching in amusement.
　　Tyler was behind me, almost running in his hurry to catch her before she coulddrive away. He was bolder and more confident than the other two; he’d only waited toapproach Bella this long because he’d respected Mike’s prior claim.
　　I wanted him to succeed in catching her for two reasons. If—as I was beginningto suspect—all this attention was annoying to Bella, I wanted to enjoy watching herreaction. But, if it was not—if Tyler’s invitation was the one she’d been hoping for—then I wanted to know that, too.
　　I measured Tyler Crowley as a rival, knowing it was wrong to do so. He seemedtediously average and unremarkable to me, but what did I know of Bella’s preferences?
　　Maybe she liked average boys…I winced at that thought. I could never be an average boy. How foolish it was toset myself up as a rival for her affections. How could she ever care for someone whowas, by any estimation, a monster?
　　She was too good for a monster.
　　I ought to have let her escape, but my inexcusable curiosity kept me from doingwhat was right. Again. But what if Tyler missed his chance now, only to contact her.   later when I would have no way of knowing the outcome? I pulled my Volvo out into thenarrow lane, blocking her exit.
　　Emmett and the others were on their way, but he’d described my strange behaviorto them, and they were walking slowly, watching me, trying to decipher what I wasdoing.
　　I watched the girl in my rearview mirror. She glowered toward the back of mycar without meeting my gaze, looking as if she wished she were driving a tank rather thana rusted Chevy.
　　Tyler hurried to his car and got in line behind her, grateful for my inexplicablebehavior. He waved at her, trying to catch her attention, but she didn’t notice. He waiteda moment, and then left his car, sauntering up to her passenger side window. He tappedon the glass.
　　She jumped, and then stared at him in confusion. After a second, she rolled thewindow down manually, seeming to have some trouble with it.
　　“I’m sorry, Tyler,” she said, her voice irritated. “I’m stuck behind Cullen.”
　　She said my surname in a hard voice—she was still angry with me.
　　“Oh, I know,” Tyler said, undeterred by her mood. “I just wanted to ask yousomething while we’re trapped here.”
　　His grin was cocky.
　　I was gratified by the way she blanched at his obvious intent.
　　“Will you ask me to the spring dance?” he asked, no thought of defeat in his head.
　　“I’m not going to be in town, Tyler,” she told him, irritation still plain in hervoice.
　　“Yeah, Mike said that.”
　　“Then why—?” she stared to ask.
　　He shrugged. “I was hoping you were just letting him down easy.”
　　Her eyes flashed, then cooled. “Sorry, Tyler,” she said, not sounding sorry at all.
　　“I really am going to be out of town.”
　　He accepted that excuse, his self-assurance untouched. “That’s cool. We stillhave prom.”
　　He strutted back to his car.
　　  I was right to have waited for this.
　　The horrified expression on her face was priceless. It told me what I should notso desperately need to know—that she had no feelings for any of these human males whowished to court her.
　　Also, her expression was possibly the funniest thing I’d ever seen.
　　My family arrived then, confused by the fact that I was, for a change, rockingwith laughter rather than scowling murderously at everything in sight.
　　What’s so funny? Emmett wanted to know.
　　I just shook my head while I also shook with fresh laughter as Bella revved hernoisy engine angrily. She looked like she was wishing for a tank again.
　　“Let’s go!” Rosalie hissed impatiently. “Stop being an idiot. If you can.”
　　Her words didn’t annoy me—I was too entertained. But I did as she asked.
　　No one spoke to me on the way home. I continued to chuckle every now andagain, thinking of Bella’s face.
　　As I turned on to the drive—speeding up now that there were no witnesses—Alice ruined my mood.
　　“So do I get to talk to Bella now?” she asked suddenly, without considering thewords first, thus giving me no warning.
　　“No,” I snapped.
　　“Not fair! What am I waiting for?”
　　“I haven’t decided anything, Alice.”
　　“Whatever, Edward.”
　　In her head, Bella’s two destinies were clear again.
　　“What’s the point in getting to know her?” I mumbled, suddenly morose. “If I’mjust going to kill her?”
　　Alice hesitated for a second. “You have a point,” she admitted.
　　I took the final hairpin turn at ninety miles an hour, and then screeched to a stopan inch from the back garage wall.
　　“Enjoy your run,” Rosalie said smugly as I threw myself out of the car.
　　But I didn’t go running today. Instead, I went hunting.
　　  The others were scheduled to hunt tomorrow, but I couldn’t afford to be thirstynow. I overdid it, drinking more than necessary, glutting myself again—a small groupingof elk and one black bear I was lucky to stumble across this early in the year. I was sofull it was uncomfortable. Why couldn’t that be enough? Why did her scent have to beso much stronger than anything else?
　　I had hunted in preparation for the next day, but, when I could hunt no more andthe sun was still hours and hours from rising, I knew that the next day was not soonenough.
　　The jittery high swept through me again when I realized that I was going to gofind the girl.
　　I argued with myself all the way back to Forks, but my less noble side won theargument, and I went ahead with my indefensible plan. The monster was restless butwell-fettered. I knew I would keep a safe distance from her. I only wanted to knowwhere she was. I just wanted to see her face.
　　It was past midnight, and Bella’s house was dark and quiet. Her truck was parkedagainst the curb, her father’s police cruiser in the driveway. There were no consciousthoughts anywhere in the neighborhood. I watched the house for a moment from theblackness of the forest that bordered it on the east. The front door would probably belocked—not a problem, except that I didn’t want to leave a broken door as evidencebehind me. I decided to try the upstairs window first. Not many people would botherinstalling a lock there.
　　I crossed the open yard and scaled the face of the house in half a second.
　　Dangling from the eave above the window by one hand, I looked through the glass, andmy breath stopped.
　　It was her room. I could see her in the one small bed, her covers on the floor andher sheets twisted around her legs. As I watched, she twitched restlessly and threw onearm over her head. She did not sleep soundly, at least not this night. Did she sense thedanger near her?
　　I was repulsed by myself as I watched her toss again. How was I any better thansome sick peeping tom? I wasn’t any better. I was much, much worse.
　　  I relaxed my fingertips, about to let myself drop. But first I allowed myself onelong look at her face.
　　It was not peaceful. The little furrow was there between her eyebrows, thecorners of her lips turned down. Her lips trembled, and then parted.
　　“Okay, Mom,” she muttered.
　　Bella talked in her sleep.
　　Curiosity flared, overpowering self-disgust. The lure of those unprotected,unconsciously spoken thoughts was impossibly tempting.
　　I tried the window, and it was not locked, though it stuck due to long disuse. Islid it slowly aside, cringing at each faint groan of the metal frame. I would have to findsome oil for next time…Next time? I shook my head, disgusted again.
　　I eased myself silently through the half-opened window.
　　Her room was small—disorganized but not unclean. There were books piled onthe floor beside her bed, their spines facing away from me, and CDs scattered by herinexpensive CD player—the one on top was just a clear jewel case. Stacks of paperssurrounded a computer that looked like it belonged in a museum dedicated to obsoletetechnologies. Shoes dotted the wooden floor.
　　I wanted very much to go read the titles of her books and CDs, but I’d promisedmyself that I would keep my distance; instead, I went to sit the old rocking chair in thefar corner of the room.
　　Had I really once thought her average-looking? I thought of that first day, and mydisgust for the boys who were so immediately intrigued with her. But when Iremembered her face in their minds now, I could not understand why I had not found herbeautiful immediately. It seemed an obvious thing.
　　Right now—with her dark hair tangled and wild around her pale face, wearing athreadbare t-shirt full of holes with tatty sweatpants, her features relaxed inunconsciousness, her full lips slightly parted—she took my breath away. Or would have,I thought wryly, if I were breathing.
　　She did not speak. Perhaps her dream had ended.
　　I stared at her face and tried to think of some way to make the future bearable.
　　  Hurting her was not bearable. Did that mean my only choice was to try to leaveagain?
　　The others could not argue with me now. My absence would not put anyone indanger. There would be no suspicion, nothing to link anyone’s thoughts back to theaccident.
　　I wavered as I had this afternoon, and nothing seemed possible.
　　I could not hope to rival the human boys, whether these specific boys appealed toher or not. I was a monster. How could she see me as anything else? If she knew thetruth about me, it would frighten and repulse her. Like the intended victim in a horrormovie, she would run away, shrieking in terror.
　　I remembered her first day in biology…and knew that this was exactly the rightreaction for her to have.
　　It was foolishness to imagine that if had I been the one to ask her to the sillydance, she would have cancelled her hastily-made plans and agreed to go with me.
　　I was not the one she was destined to say yes to. It was someone else, someonehuman and warm. And I could not even let myself—someday, when that yes was said—hunt him down and kill him, because she deserved him, whoever he was. She deservedhappiness and love with whomever she chose.
　　I owed it to her to do the right thing now; I could no longer pretend that I wasonly in danger of loving this girl.
　　After all, it really didn’t matter if I left, because Bella could never see me the wayI wished she would. Never see me as someone worthy of love.
　　Never.
　　Could a dead, frozen heart break? It felt like mine would.
　　“Edward,” Bella said.
　　I froze, staring at her unopened eyes.
　　Had she woken, caught me here? She looked asleep, yet her voice had been soclear…She sighed a quiet sigh, and then moved restlessly again, rolling to her side—stillfast asleep and dreaming.
　　“Edward,” she mumbled softly.
　　  She was dreaming of me.
　　Could a dead, frozen heart beat again? It felt like mine was about to.
　　“Stay,” she sighed. “Don’t go. Please…don’t go.”
　　She was dreaming of me, and it wasn’t even a nightmare. She wanted me to staywith her, there in her dream.
　　I struggled to find words to name the feelings that flooded through me, but I hadno words strong enough to hold them. For a long moment, I drowned in them.
　　When I surfaced, I was not the same man I had been.
　　My life was an unending, unchanging midnight. It must, by necessity, always bemidnight for me. So how was it possible that the sun was rising now, in the middle of mymidnight?
　　At the time that I had become a vampire, trading my soul and my mortality forimmortality in the searing pain of transformation, I had truly been frozen. My body hadturned into something more like rock than flesh, enduring and unchanging. My self, also,had frozen as it was—my personality, my likes and my dislikes, my moods and mydesires; all were fixed in place.
　　It was the same for the rest of them. We were all frozen. Living stone.
　　When change came for one of us, it was a rare and permanent thing. I had seen ithappen with Carlisle, and then a decade later with Rosalie. Love had changed them in aneternal way, a way that never faded. More than eighty years had passed since Carlislehad found Esme, and yet he still looked at her with the incredulous eyes of first love. Itwould always be that way for them.
　　It would always be that way for me, too. I would always love this fragile humangirl, for the rest of my limitless existence.
　　I gazed at her unconscious face, feeling this love for her settle into every portionof my stone body.
　　She slept more peacefully now, a slight smile on her lips.
　　Always watching her, I began to plot.
　　I loved her, and so I would try to be strong enough to leave her. I knew I wasn’tthat strong now. I would work on that one. But perhaps I was strong enough tocircumvent the future in another way.
　　  Alice had seen only two futures for Bella, and now I understood them both.
　　Loving her would not keep me from killing her, if I let myself make mistakes.
　　Yet I could not feel the monster now, could not find him anywhere in me.
　　Perhaps love had silenced him forever. If I killed her now, it would not be intentional,only a horrible accident.
　　I would have to be inordinately careful. I would never, ever be able to let myguard down. I would have to control my every breath. I would have to keep an alwayscautious distance.
　　I would not make mistakes.
　　I finally understood that second future. I’d been baffled by that vision—whatcould possibly happen to result in Bella becoming a prisoner to this immortal half-life?
　　Now—devastated by longing for the girl—I could understand how I might, inunforgivable selfishness, ask my father for that favor. Ask him to take away her life andher soul so that I could keep her forever.
　　She deserved better.
　　But I saw one more future, one thin wire that I might be able to walk, if I couldkeep my balance.
　　Could I do it? Be with her and leave her human?
　　Deliberately, I took a deep breath, and then another, letting her scent rip throughme like wildfire. The room was thick with her perfume; her fragrance was layered onevery surface. My head swam, but I fought the spinning. I would have to get used tothis, if I were going to attempt any kind of relationship with her. I took another deep,burning breath.
　　I watched her sleeping until the sun rose behind the eastern clouds, plotting andbreathing.
　　I got home just after the others had left for school. I changed quickly, avoiding Esme’squestioning eyes. She saw the feverish light in my face, and she felt both worry andrelief. My long melancholy had pained her, and she was glad it seemed to be over.
　　  I ran to school, arriving a few seconds after my siblings did. They did not turn,though Alice at least must have known that I stood here in the thick woods that borderedthe pavement. I waited until no one was looking, and then I strolled casually frombetween the trees into the lot full of parked cars.
　　I heard Bella’s truck rumbling around the corner, and I paused behind a Suburban,where I could watch without being seen.
　　She drove into the lot, glaring at my Volvo for a long moment before she parkedin one of the most distant spaces, a frown on her face.
　　It was strange to remember that she was probably still angry with me, and withgood reason.
　　I wanted to laugh at myself—or kick myself. All my plotting and planning wasentirely moot if she didn’t care for me, too, wasn’t it? Her dream could have been aboutsomething completely random. I was such an arrogant fool.
　　Well, it was so much the better for her if she didn’t care for me. That wouldn’tstop me from pursuing her, but I would give her fair warning as I pursued. I owed herthat.
　　I walked silently forward, wondering how best to approach her.
　　She made it easy. Her truck key slipped through her fingers as she got out, andfell into a deep puddle.
　　She reached down, but I got to it first, retrieving it before she had to put herfingers in the cold water.
　　I leaned back against her truck as she started and then straightened up.
　　“How do you do that?” she demanded.
　　Yes, she was still angry.
　　I offered her the key. “Do what?”
　　She held her hand out, and I dropped the key in her palm. I took a deep breath,pulling in her scent.
　　“Appear out of thin air,” she clarified.
　　“Bella, it’s not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant.” The words werewry, almost a joke. Was there anything she didn’t see?
　　  Did she hear how my voice wrapped around her name like a caress?
　　She glared at me, not appreciating my humor. Her heartbeat sped—from anger?
　　From fear? After a moment, she looked down.
　　“Why the traffic jam last night?” she asked without meeting my eyes. “I thoughtyou were supposed to be pretending I don’t exist, not irritating me to death.”
　　Still very angry. It was going to take some effort to make things right with her. Iremembered my resolve to be truthful with her…“That was for Tyler’s sake, not mine. I had to give him his chance.” And then Ilaughed. I couldn’t help it, thinking of her expression yesterday.
　　“You—” she gasped, and then broke off, appearing to be too furious to finish.
　　There it was—that same expression. I choked back another laugh. She was mad enoughalready.
　　“And I’m not pretending you don’t exist,” I finished. It was right to keep thiscasual, teasing. She would not understand if I let her see how I really felt. I wouldfrighten her. I had to keep my feelings in check, keep things light…“So you are trying to irritate me to death? Since Tyler’s van didn’t do the job?”
　　A quick flash of anger pulsed through me. Could she honestly believe that?
　　It was irrational for me to be so affronted—she didn’t know of the transformationthat had happened in the night. But I was angry all the same.
　　“Bella, you are utterly absurd,” I snapped.
　　Her face flushed, and she turned her back on me. She began to walk away.
　　Remorse. I had no right to my anger.
　　“Wait,” I pleaded.
　　She did not stop, so I followed after her.
　　“I’m sorry, that was rude. I’m not saying it isn’t true” —it was absurd to imaginethat I wanted her harmed in any way— “but it was rude to say it, anyway.”
　　“Why won’t you leave me alone?”
　　Believe me, I wanted to say. I’ve tried.
　　Oh, and also, I’m wretchedly in love with you.
　　Keep it light.
　　  “I wanted to ask you something, but you sidetracked me.” A course of action hadjust occurred to me, and I laughed.
　　“Do you have a multiple personality disorder?” she asked.
　　It must seem that way. My mood was erratic, so many new emotions coursingthrough me.
　　“You’re doing it again,” I pointed out.
　　She sighed. “Fine then. What do you want to ask?”
　　“I was wondering if, a week from Saturday…” I watched the shock cross her face,and choked back another laugh. “You know, the day of the spring dance—”
　　She cut me off, finally returning her eyes to mine. “Are you trying to be funny?”
　　Yes. “Will you let me finish?”
　　She waited in silence, her teeth pressing into her soft lower lip.
　　That sight distracted me for a second. Strange, unfamiliar reactions stirred deepin my forgotten human core. I tried to shake them off so I could play my role.
　　“I heard you say that you were going to Seattle that day, and I was wondering ifyou wanted a ride?” I offered. I’d realized that, better than just questioning her about herplans, I might share them.
　　She stared at me blankly. “What?”
　　“Do you want a ride to Seattle?” Alone in a car with her—my throat burned atthe thought. I took a deep breath. Get used to it.
　　“With who?” she asked, her eyes wide and bewildered again.
　　“Myself, obviously,” I said slowly.
　　“Why?”
　　Was it really such as shock that I would want her company? She must haveapplied the worst possible meaning to my past behavior.
　　“Well,” I said as casually as possible, “I was planning to go to Seattle in the nextfew weeks, and, to be honest, I’m not sure if your truck can make it.” It seemed safer totease her than to allow myself to be serious.
　　“My truck works just fine, thank you very much for your concern,” she said in thesame surprised voice. She started walking again. I kept pace with her.
　　She hadn’t really said no, so I pressed that advantage.
　　  Would she say no? What would I do if she did?
　　“But can your truck make it there on one tank of gas?”
　　“I don’t see how that is any of your business,” she grumbled.
　　That still wasn’t a no. And her heart was beating faster again, her breath comingmore quickly.
　　“The wasting of finite resources is everyone’s business.”
　　“Honestly, Edward, I can’t keep up with you. I thought you didn’t want to be myfriend.”
　　A thrill shot through me when she spoke my name.
　　How to keep it light and yet be honest at the same time? Well, it was moreimportant to be honest. Especially on this point.
　　“I said it would be better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t want to be.”
　　“Oh, thanks, now that’s all cleared up,” she said sarcastically.
　　She paused, under the edge of the cafeteria’s roof, and met my gaze again. Herheartbeats stuttered. Was she afraid?
　　I chose my words carefully. No, I could not leave her, but maybe she would besmart enough to leave me, before it was too late.
　　“It would be more…prudent for you not to be my friend.” Staring into the meltedchocolate depths of her eyes, I lost my hold on light. “But I’m tired of trying to stayaway from you, Bella.” The words burned with much too much fervor.
　　Her breathing stopped and, in the second it took for it to restart, that worried me.
　　How much had I scared her? Well, I would find out.
　　“Will you go to Seattle with me?” I demanded, point blank.
　　She nodded, her heart drumming loudly.
　　Yes. She’d said yes to me.
　　And then my conscious smote me. What would this cost her?
　　“You really should stay away from me,” I warned her. Did she hear me? Wouldshe escape the future I was threatening her with? Couldn’t I do anything to save her fromme?
　　Keep it light, I shouted at myself. “I’ll see you in class.”
　　I had to concentrate to stop myself from running as I fled.　　第五章 邀约高中。这儿不再是炼狱了，现在它已经彻底变成了地狱。痛苦和烧灼……是的，我两样都有。
　　我把一切都纠正过来。给每一个“I”字加点，给每一个t”字加横，现在没有人会抱怨我推卸责任了。
　　为了让爱斯梅高兴，为了保护其他人，我留在福克斯。我比其他人更频繁地捕猎。我重新回到以前的生活。每一天我都去上学，假扮成人类。每一天，我都仔细地倾听所有跟卡伦家有关的消息——没有什么新情况。那个女孩没有提过一个字。她只是一遍又一遍地重复同样的故事——我当时站在她旁边，把她从路边推开——直到她的热心听众感到无趣，停止追问更多细节——一切都平安无事。没有人因为我那轻率的行为而受到伤害。
　　没有人，除了我。
　　我已经决意要改变未来。独自完成这个任务不是一件容易的事，然而除此之外，我别无选择。
　　爱丽丝说我将不够坚强而足以离开那个女孩。我会证明她错了。
　　我本来以为第一天是最难熬的。到那天结束为止，我都这样认为。然而，我错了。
　　获悉我会伤害那个女孩，这令我痛苦不已。我安慰自己说和我的痛苦相比，她的痛苦只不过是一个小小的烦恼——仅仅是因被拒绝而产生的一点儿不快。贝拉是一个人类，她知道我是异类，一个危险的异类，一个很可怕的异类。对于我疏远她，假装她不存在的举动，她可能 会更感到安心而不是受伤害。
　　“你好，爱德华。”在第一天回去上生物课时，她向我打招呼。她的语气愉快而友好，跟上次和我说话时来了个一百八十度的转变。
　　为什么？这种转变是什么意思？难道她已经忘了吗？或许是她已经原谅我的食言了吗？
　　这些疑问在我脑子里燃烧着，一如每一次呼吸带给我的干渴。
　　只是看一眼她的眼睛，只是看一看我是否能从那里找到答案。
　　不，我甚至不允许自己这么做。如果我打算改变未来，我就不能这么做。
　　我点了一下头，然后就马上把脸转过去，看向前面。
　　她再也没有跟我说话了。
　　那天下午，一等到放学，我的角色演完了，我就像那天一样跑到西雅图去。这么做似乎能稍微减轻一下那种心痛，当我飞奔到另一个地方，把自己包围在一片绿色当中。
　　这种奔跑变成我每天的习惯。
　　我爱她吗？我不这么认为。我还没有爱上她。然而爱丽丝所窥见的未来刺痛了我，而且要爱上贝拉是多么容易的一件事。这就像是一种沉沦：毫不费力。不让自己爱上她是另一种与之相反的沉沦——就像把自己推向悬崖边，一步一步地，这份任务就像一种惩罚，仿佛我已不再拥有长生不死的力量。
　　一个月过去了，每一天都变得更难熬。我无法理解——我一直在等它过去，直到它能变得更轻松一点。这一定就是爱丽丝当初所预言的，我将无法离开那个女孩。她已经预见到这种与日俱增的痛苦。但我能够应付这种痛苦。
　　我不会毁掉贝拉的未来。如果我注定要爱上她，那么避开她不正是我仅仅能够做到的吗？
　　然而，我只能在自己可以承受的极限内躲避她。我可以装作无视她，一点儿也不去看她。我能够装作对她毫无兴趣。不过这已经是极限了，只是假装，而不是事实。
　　我依然留意她每一个呼吸，她每一句话语。
　　我的痛苦集中于四种：
　　前两种痛苦是熟悉的：她的香气和她的沉默。或者，可以将它归结为——我不能让自己推卸责任——我的干渴和我的好奇心。
　　干渴是折磨我的最首要的痛苦。现在一上生物课就不呼吸已经成了我的习惯。当然总有例外——在我不得不回答问题或诸如此类的事，这时我就需要呼吸，开口说话。每一次当我品尝到那女孩周围的空气时，就和第一天一样——怒火、需求和横暴不顾一切地企图挣脱束缚。
　　在这种时候，即使是最轻微的理智和克制都变得十分困难。还有，就像第一天那样，那个在我体内的魔鬼咆哮着，几乎要挣脱出来。
　　好奇心是始终折磨我的另一种痛苦。我脑子里的谜从来没有答案：她现在正想什么？当我听到她静静地叹息。当她心不在焉地将一绺长发缠绕在指间。当她用力把书扔在桌子上。当她迟到时急匆匆地赶去上课。当她的脚急躁地踩在地板上。每一个我所间接看到的举动都是一个令人发疯的谜。当她跟其他学生说话时，我琢磨她的每一个字，每一个语气。她说的是她所想的呢，还是她认为自己应该说的？常常听起来她好像正设法说一些她的听众想听的话，这让我想起我的家人，想起我们营造的生活假象——我们比她更善于说谎。为什么她不得不扮演一个角色？她是他们中的一员——一个青少年。
　　令我感到意外的是，麦克?牛顿带给我另一种痛苦。谁能想到这么一个平庸、无趣的凡人竟能让人如此愤怒？公平地说，我本来应该多少感谢这个恼人的男孩，因为他让那女孩一直说话。透过这些谈话，我更加了解这个女孩——我依然在填写那份清单——不过，与此相反，麦克对这计划的帮助只是令我更恼火。我不想麦克成为那个解开她谜题的人。我想自己来做。
　　不过，他从来没有留意过她透露出来的细微小事，她的小小的失误，这多少让我心里舒服了一些。他对她一无所知。他在自己的脑子里创造出一个根本就不存在的贝拉——一个就像他一样平庸的女孩。他没有注意到她的无私和勇敢——这使她区别于其他人类，他没有从她的谈话中听出她思想中异常的成熟。当她说起她的母亲时，她听起来更像是父母在谈论孩子，而不是与此相反——那语气充满爱意，纵容，一点点被逗乐，还有强烈的保护欲——这些他都没有察觉到。当她对他的闲聊装作感兴趣时，他没有听出她语气中的耐心，没有猜出在这耐心背后的善良。
　　透过她和麦克的交谈，我能够在我的清单里加上最重要的品质，它们中最突出的品质，简单而又稀有。贝拉很善良。所有一切加起来汇成一个整体——善良、谦虚、无私、富有爱心和勇敢——她是一个十足的好女孩。
　　然而，这些有益的发现并没有让我对那男孩产生好感。他看待她的那种方式——就好像她是他的所有物一样——几乎同他对她的无礼幻想一样，激怒了我。随着时间过去，他对她更有信心了，因为她似乎更喜欢他——超过那些他所认为的竞争对手：泰勒、艾里克，甚至偶尔，也包括我？在上课前，他总会例行公事地坐在我们桌子边上，在她的微笑的鼓励下，对她唠叨个没完。只是客气的微笑，我告诉我自己。尽管这样，我还是常常想像自己反手将他从课室这头掷到另一头的墙壁上，以此来使自己得到乐趣。这可能不会让他受到致命伤。
　　麦克并不是常常把我当作竞争对手。在那场意外过后，他曾担心贝拉和我会因那段共同的经历而熟络起来，不过显然结果适得其反。那时，他还是为我对贝拉另眼相看而感到烦恼。不过现在我已经彻底无视她了，就像我不把其他人放在眼里一样，这让他又自得起来。
　　她现在正想什么？她欢迎他的关注吗？
　　还有，最后一样折磨我的，也是最令我痛苦的是：正如我无视她一样，她也无视我。她再也不来跟我说话。就我所知，她根本想都没有想过我。
　　这让我快疯掉了——甚至让我那改变未来的决心崩溃——除了有些时候她会像之前那样注视我。我并没有亲眼看见，因为我不许自己去看她，不过当她打算看我的时候，爱丽丝总会提醒我们；其他人则依然担心那个女孩内心的猜疑。
　　当她从远处注视我的时候，那份痛苦多少得到一些解除。当然，她也可能只是想知道我究竟是哪种怪胎。
　　“在一分钟之内，贝拉就会去看爱德华。看起来正常一点。”三月的一个星期二，爱丽丝这样说道，其他人小心翼翼地在座位上挪动身子，一副坐立不安的样子，就像人类一样：绝对的静止不动是我们族类的一个特征。
　　随着时间过去，这个频率没有减低，这让我感到高兴，尽管我不该高兴。我不知道这是什么意思，不过这让我感到好受些。
　　爱丽丝叹息。我希望……我低声地说。“那种事是不会发生的。”
　　她撅起了嘴。爱丽丝急于跟贝拉建立起她想像中的友谊。她以某种奇怪的方式怀念这个她还不了解的女孩。
　　我承认，你比我想的要好一些。你把未来弄得乱糟糟的，我又看不清了。我希望你能对此感到满意。
　　 “那对我来说很有意义。”
　　她嗤之以鼻。
　　我试图将她的想法屏蔽掉，对这场谈话很不耐烦。我的心情很不好——比我让他们见到的更紧张。只有贾斯帕用他独特的能力感觉到了从我身上传出的紧张——贾斯帕可以感受到别人的情绪，并借此影响他们。不过他并不能理解这些情绪背后的原因，而且——由于这段时间我的心情一直都很糟糕——他也就不理会了。
　　这一天会很难熬。
　　麦克?牛顿，那个我不允许自己成为他的竞争对手的讨人厌的男孩——打算邀请贝拉。
　　一场由女孩择伴的舞会即将到来，他一直很希望贝拉能邀请他。然而她没有这么做，这让他的自信变得不知所措。现在他正处于不安的困境中——我比我应该的更享受他的苦恼——因为杰西卡?史丹利刚刚邀请他参加舞会。他不想答应她，仍然希望贝拉选择他（向那些竞争对手证明他是胜利者），不过他也不想拒绝，生怕自己错过这场舞会。他的犹豫不决伤害了杰西卡，她猜到了原因，并且迁怒于贝拉，又一次，我本能地想让自己插足到杰西卡愤怒的想法和贝拉之间。现在我更能理解这种本能了，不过这只会让我更恼火，因为我无法付诸行动。
　　想不到我竟然变成这个样子！我已经完全进入我过去曾经鄙视的无足轻重的高中生的角色里了。
　　麦克在陪贝拉一起去上生物课的时候，已经快把他
Chapter 6 Blood Type
I followed her all day through other people’s eyes, barely aware of my own surroundings.
　　Not Mike Newton’s eyes, because I couldn’t stand any more of his offensivefantasies, and not Jessica Stanley’s, because her resentment toward Bella made me angryin a way that was not safe for the petty girl. Angela Weber was a good choice when hereyes were available; she was kind—her head was an easy place to be. And thensometimes it was the teachers who provided the best view.
　　I was surprised, watching her stumble through the day—tripping over cracks inthe sidewalk, stray books, and, most often, her own feet—that the people I eavesdroppedon thought of Bella as clumsy.
　　I considered that. It was true that she often had trouble staying upright. Iremembered her stumbling into the desk that first day, sliding around on the ice beforethe accident, falling over the low lip of the doorframe yesterday… How odd, they wereright. She was clumsy.
　　I didn’t know why this was so funny to me, but I laughed out loud as I walkedfrom American History to English and several people shot me wary looks. How had Inever noticed this before? Perhaps because there was something very graceful about herin stillness, the way she held her head, the arch of her neck…There was nothing graceful about her now. Mr. Varner watched as she caught thetoe of her boot on the carpet and literally fell into her chair.
　　I laughed again.
　　The time moved with incredible sluggishness while I waited for my chance to seeher with my own eyes. Finally, the bell rang. I strode quickly to the cafeteria to securemy spot. I was one of the first there. I chose a table that was usually empty, and wassure to remain that way with me seated here.
　　When my family entered and saw me sitting alone in a new place, they were notsurprised. Alice must have warned them.
　　Rosalie stalked past me without a glance.
　　  Idiot.
　　Rosalie and I had never had an easy relationship—I’d offended her the very firsttime she’d heard me speak, and it was downhill from there—but it seemed like she waseven more ill-tempered than usual the last few days. I sighed. Rosalie made everythingabout herself.
　　Jasper gave me half a smile as he walked by.
　　Good luck, he thought doubtfully.
　　Emmett rolled his eyes and shook his head.
　　Lost his mind, poor kid.
　　Alice was beaming, her teeth shining too brightly.
　　Can I talk to Bella now??
　　“Keep out of it,” I said under my breath.
　　Her face fell, and then brightened again.
　　Fine. Be stubborn. It’s only a matter of time.
　　I sighed again.
　　Don’t forget about today’s biology lab, she reminded me.
　　I nodded. No, I hadn’t forgotten that.
　　While I waited for Bella to arrive, I followed her in the eyes of the freshman whowas walking behind Jessica on his way to the cafeteria. Jessica was babbling about theupcoming dance, but Bella said nothing in response. Not that Jessica gave her much of achance.
　　The moment Bella walked through the door, her eyes flashed to the table wheremy siblings sat. She stared for a moment, and then her forehead crumpled and her eyesdropped to the floor. She hadn’t noticed me here.
　　She looked so…sad. I felt a powerful urge to get up and go to her side, tocomfort her somehow, only I didn’t know what she would find comforting. I had no ideawhat made her look that way. Jessica continued to jabber about the dance. Was Bellasad that she was going to miss it? That didn’t seem likely…But that could be remedied, if she wished.
　　She bought a drink for her lunch and nothing else. Was that right? Didn’t sheneed more nutrition than that? I’d never paid much attention to a human’s diet before.
　　  Humans were quite exasperatingly fragile! There were a million different thingsto worry about…“Edward Cullen is staring at you again,” I heard Jessica say. “I wonder why he’ssitting alone today?”
　　I was grateful to Jessica—though she was even more resentful now—becauseBella’s head snapped up and her eyes searched until they met mine.
　　There was no trace of sadness in her face now. I let myself hope that she’d beensad because she’d thought I’d left school early, and that hope made me smile.
　　I motioned with my finger for her to join me. She looked so startled by this that Iwanted to tease her again.
　　So I winked, and her mouth fell open.
　　“Does he mean you?” Jessica asked rudely.
　　“Maybe he needs help with his Biology homework,” she said in a low, uncertainvoice. “Um, I’d better go see what he wants.”
　　This was another yes.
　　She stumbled twice on her way to my table, though there was nothing in her waybut perfectly even linoleum. Seriously, how had I missed this before? I’d been payingmore attention to her silent thoughts, I supposed… What else had I missed?
　　Keep it honest, keep it light, I chanted to myself.
　　She stopped behind the chair across from me, hesitating. I inhaled deeply,through my nose this time rather than my mouth.
　　Feel the burn, I thought dryly.
　　“Why don’t you sit with me today?” I asked her.
　　She pulled the chair out and sat, staring at me the whole while. She seemednervous, but her physical acceptance was yet another yes.
　　I waited for her to speak.
　　It took a moment, but, finally, she said, “This is different.”
　　“Well…” I hesitated. “I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well doit thoroughly.”
　　  What had made me say that? I supposed it was honest, at least. And perhapsshe’d hear the unsubtle warning my words implied. Maybe she would realize that sheshould get up and walk away as quickly as possible…She didn’t get up. She stared at me, waiting, as if I’d left my sentence unfinished.
　　“You know I don’t have any idea what you mean,” she said when I didn’tcontinue.
　　That was a relief. I smiled.
　　“I know.”
　　It was hard to ignore the thoughts screaming at me from behind her back—and Iwanted to change the subject anyway.
　　“I think your friends are angry at me for stealing you.”
　　This did not appear to concern her. “They’ll survive.”
　　“I may not give you back, though.” I didn’t even know if I was trying to behonest now, or just trying to tease her again. Being near her made it hard to make senseof my own thoughts.
　　Bella swallowed loudly.
　　I laughed at her expression. “You look worried.” It really shouldn’t be funny…She should worry.
　　“No.” She was a bad liar; it didn’t help that her voice broke. “Surprised,actually…. What brought this on?”
　　“I told you,” I reminded her. “I got tired of trying to stay away from you. So I’mgiving up.” I held my smile in place with a bit of effort. This wasn’t working at all—trying to be honest and casual at the same time.
　　“Giving up?” she repeated, baffled.
　　“Yes—giving up trying to be good.” And, apparently, giving up trying to becasual. “I’m just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may.”
　　That was honest enough. Let her see my selfishness. Let that warn her, too.
　　“You lost me again.”
　　I was selfish enough to be glad that this was the case. “I always say too muchwhen I’m talking to you—that’s one of the problems.”
　　A rather insignificant problem, compared to the rest.
　　  “Don’t worry,” she reassured me. “I don’t understand any of it.”
　　Good. Then she’d stay. “I’m counting on that.”
　　“So, in plain English, are we friends now?”
　　I pondered that for a second. “Friends…” I repeated. I didn’t like the sound ofthat. It wasn’t enough.
　　“Or not,” she mumbled, looking embarrassed.
　　Did she think I didn’t like her that much?
　　I smiled. “Well, we can try, I suppose. But I’m warning you now that I’m not agood friend for you.”
　　I waited for her response, torn in two—wishing she would finally hear andunderstand, thinking I might die if she did. How melodramatic. I was turning into such ahuman.
　　Her heart beat faster. “You say that a lot.”
　　“Yes, because you’re not listening to me,” I said, too intense again. “I’m stillwaiting for you to believe it. If you’re smart, you’ll avoid me.”
　　Ah, but would I allow her to do that, if she tried?
　　Her eyes tightened. “I think you’ve made your opinion on the subject of myintellect clear, too.”
　　I wasn’t exactly sure what she meant, but I smiled in apology, guessing that Imust have offended her accidentally.
　　“So,” she said slowly. “As long as I’m being…not smart, we’ll try to be friends?”
　　“That sounds about right.”
　　She looked down, staring intently at the lemonade bottle in her hands.
　　The old curiosity tormented me.
　　“What are you thinking?” I asked—it was a relief to say the words out loud atlast.
　　She met my gaze, and her breathing sped while her cheeks flushed faint pink. Iinhaled, tasting that in the air.
　　“I’m trying to figure out what you are.”
　　I held the smile on my face, locking my features that way, while panic twistedthrough my body.
　　  Of course she was wondering that. She wasn’t stupid. I couldn’t hope for her tobe oblivious to something so obvious.
　　“Are you having any luck with that?” I asked as lightly as I could manage.
　　“Not too much,” she admitted.
　　I chuckled in sudden relief. “What are your theories?”
　　They couldn’t be worse than the truth, no matter what she’d come up with.
　　Her cheeks turned brighter red, and she said nothing. I could feel the warmth ofher blush in the air.
　　I tried using my persuasive tone on her. It worked well on normal humans.
　　“Won’t you tell me?” I smiled encouragingly.
　　She shook her head. “Too embarrassing.”
　　Ugh. Not knowing was worse than anything else. Why would her speculationsembarrass her? I couldn’t stand not knowing.
　　“That’s really frustrating, you know.”
　　My complaint sparked something in her. Her eyes flashed and her words flowedmore swiftly than usual.
　　“No, I can’t imagine why that would be frustrating at all—just because someonerefuses to tell you what they’re thinking, even if all the while they’re making cryptic littleremarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they couldpossibly mean…now, why would that be frustrating?”
　　I frowned at her, upset to realize that she was right. I wasn’t being fair.
　　She went on. “Or better, say that person also did a wide range of bizarre things—from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like apariah the next, and he never explained any of that either, even after he promised. That,also, would be very non-frustrating.”
　　It was the longest speech I’d ever heard her make, and it gave me a new qualityfor my list.
　　“You’ve got a bit of a temper, don’t you?”
　　“I don’t like double standards.”
　　She was completely justified in her irritation, of course.
　　  I stared at Bella, wondering how I could possibly do anything right by her, untilthe silent shouting in Mike Newton’s head distracted me.
　　He was so irate that it made me chuckle.
　　“What?” she demanded.
　　“Your boyfriend seems to think I’m being unpleasant to you—he’s debatingwhether or not to come break up our fight.” I would love to see him try. I laughed again.
　　“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” she said in an icy voice. “But I’m sureyou’re wrong anyway.”
　　I very much enjoyed the way she disowned him with her dismissive sentence.
　　“I’m not. I told you, most people are easy to read.”
　　“Except me, of course.”
　　“Yes. Except for you.” Did she have to be the exception to everything?
　　Wouldn’t it have been more fair—considering everything else I had to deal with now—ifI could have at least heard something from her head? Was that so much to ask? “Iwonder why that is?”
　　I stared into her eyes, trying again…She looked away. She opened her lemonade and took a quick drink, her eyes onthe table.
　　“Aren’t you hungry?” I asked.
　　“No.” She eyed the empty table between us. “You?”
　　“No, I’m not hungry,” I said. I was definitely not that.
　　She stared at the table her lips pursed. I waited.
　　“Could you do me a favor?” she asked, suddenly meeting my gaze again.
　　What would she want from me? Would she ask for the truth that I wasn’t allowedto tell her—the truth I didn’t want her to ever, ever know?
　　“That depends on what you want.”
　　“It’s not much,” she promised.
　　I waited, curious again.
　　“I just wondered…” she said slowly, staring at the lemonade bottle, tracing its lipwith her littlest finger. “If you could warn me beforehand the next time you decide toignore me for my own good? Just so I’m prepared.”
　　  She wanted a warning? Then being ignored by me must be a bad thing… Ismiled.
　　“That sounds fair,” I agreed.
　　“Thanks,” she said, looking up. Her face was so relieved that I wanted to laughwith my own relief.
　　“Then can I have one in return?” I asked hopefully.
　　“One,” she allowed.
　　“Tell me one theory.”
　　She flushed. “Not that one.”
　　“You didn’t qualify, you just promised one answer,” I argued.
　　“And you’ve broken promises yourself,” she argued back.
　　She had me there.
　　“Just one theory—I won’t laugh.”
　　“Yes, you will.” She seemed very sure of that, though I couldn’t imagineanything that would be funny about it.
　　I gave persuasion another try. I stared deep into her eyes—an easy thing to do,with eyes so deep—and whispered, “Please?”
　　She blinked, and her face went blank.
　　Well, that wasn’t exactly the reaction I’d been going for.
　　“Er, what?” she asked. She looked dizzy. What was wrong with her?
　　But I wasn’t giving up yet.
　　“Please tell me just one little theory,” I pleaded in my soft, non-scary voice,holding her eyes in mine.
　　To my surprise and satisfaction, it finally worked.
　　“Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?”
　　Comic books? No wonder she thought I would laugh.
　　“That’s not very creative,” I chided her, trying to hide my fresh relief.
　　“I’m sorry, that’s all I’ve got,” she said, offended.
　　This relieved me even more. I was able to tease her again.
　　“You’re not even close.”
　　“No spiders?”
　　  “Nope.”
　　“And no radioactivity?”
　　“None.”
　　“Dang,” she sighed.
　　“Kryptonite doesn’t bother me either,” I said quickly—before she could ask aboutbites—and then I had to laugh, because she thought I was a superhero.
　　“You’re not supposed to laugh, remember?”
　　I pressed my lips together.
　　“I’ll figure it out eventually,” she promised.
　　And when she did, she would run.
　　“I wish you wouldn’t try,” I said, all teasing gone.
　　“Because…?”
　　I owed her honesty. Still, I tried to smile, to make my words sound lessthreatening. “What if I’m not a superhero? What if I’m the bad guy?”
　　Her eyes widened by a fraction and her lips fell slightly apart. “Oh,” she said.
　　And then, after another second, “I see.”
　　She’d finally heard me.
　　“Do you?” I asked, working to conceal my agony.
　　“You’re dangerous?” she guessed. Her breathing hiked, and her heart raced.
　　I couldn’t answer her. Was this my last moment with her? Would she run now?
　　Could I be allowed to tell her that I loved her before she left? Or would that frighten hermore?
　　“But not bad,” she whispered, shaking her head, no fear in her clear eyes. “No, Idon’t believe that you’re bad.”
　　“You’re wrong,” I breathed.
　　Of course I was bad. Wasn’t I rejoicing now, that she thought better of me than Ideserved? If I were a good person, I would have stayed away from her.
　　I stretched my hand across the table, reaching for the lid to her lemonade bottle asan excuse. She did not flinch away from my suddenly closer hand. She really was notafraid of me. Not yet.
　　I spun the lid like a top, watching it instead of her. My thoughts were in a snarl.
　　  Run, Bella, run. I couldn’t make myself say the words out loud.
　　She jumped to her feet. “We’re going to be late,” she said, just as I’d started toworry that she’d somehow heard my silent warning.
　　“I’m not going to class.”
　　“Why not?”
　　Because I don’t want to kill you. “It’s healthy to ditch class now and then.”
　　To be precise, it was healthier for the humans if the vampires ditched on dayswhen human blood would be spilt. Mr. Banner was blood typing today. Alice hadalready ditched her morning class.
　　“Well, I’m going,” she said. This didn’t surprise me. She was responsible—shealways did the right thing.
　　She was my opposite.
　　“I’ll see you later then,” I said, trying for casual again, staring down at thewhirling lid. And, by the way, I adore you…in frightening, dangerous ways.
　　She hesitated, and I hoped for a moment that she would stay with me after all.
　　But the bell rang and she hurried away.
　　I waited until she was gone, and then I put the lid in my pocket—a souvenir ofthis most consequential conversation—and walked through the rain to my car.
　　I put on my favorite calming CD—the same one I’d listened to that first day—butI wasn’t hearing Debussy’s notes for long. Other notes were running through my head, afragment of a tune that pleased and intrigued me. I turned down the stereo and listened tothe music in my head, playing with the fragment until it evolved into a fuller harmony.
　　Instinctively, my fingers moved in the air over imaginary piano keys.
　　The new composition was really coming along when my attention was caught bya wave of mental anguish.
　　I looked toward the distress.
　　Is she going to pass out? What do I do? Mike panicked.
　　A hundred yards away, Mike Newton was lowering Bella’s limp body to thesidewalk. She slumped unresponsively against the wet concrete, her eyes closed, her skinchalky as a corpse.
　　I almost took the door off the car.
　　  “Bella?” I shouted.
　　There was no change in her lifeless face when I yelled her name.
　　My whole body went colder than ice.
　　I was aware of Mike’s aggravated surprise as I sifted furiously through histhoughts. He was only thinking of his anger toward me, so I didn’t know what waswrong with Bella. If he’d done something to harm her, I would annihilate him.
　　“What’s wrong—is she hurt?” I demanded, trying to focus his thoughts. It wasmaddening to have to walk at a human pace. I should not have called attention to myapproach.
　　Then I could hear her heart beating and her even breath. As I watched, shesqueezed her eyes more tightly shut. That eased some of my panic.
　　I saw a flicker of memories in Mike’s head, a splash of images from the Biologyroom. Bella’s head on our table, her fair skin turning green. Drops of red against thewhite cards…Blood typing.
　　I stopped where I was, holding my breath. Her scent was one thing, her flowingblood was another altogether.
　　“I think she’s fainted,” Mike said, anxious and resentful at the same time. “Idon’t know what happened, she didn’t even stick her finger.”
　　Relief washed through me, and I breathed again, tasting the air. Ah, I could smellthe tiny flow of Mike Newton’s puncture wound. Once, that might have appealed to me.
　　I knelt beside her while Mike hovered next to me, furious at my intervention.
　　“Bella. Can you hear me?”
　　“No,” she moaned. “Go away.”
　　The relief was so exquisite that I laughed. She was fine.
　　“I was taking her to the nurse,” Mike said. “But she wouldn’t go any farther.”
　　“I’ll take her. You can go back to class,” I said dismissively.
　　Mike’s teeth clenched together. “No. I’m supposed to do it.”
　　I wasn’t going to stand around arguing with the wretch.
　　Thrilled and terrified, half-grateful to and half-aggrieved by the predicamentwhich made touching her a necessity, I gently lifted Bella from the sidewalk and held her  in my arms, touching only her clothes, keeping as much distance between our bodies aspossible. I was striding forward in the same movement, in a hurry to have her safe—farther away from me, in other words.
　　Her eyes popped open, astonished.
　　“Put me down,” she ordered in a weak voice—embarrassed again, I guessed fromher expression. She didn’t like to show weakness.
　　I barely heard Mike’s shouted protest behind us.
　　“You look awful,” I told her, grinning because there was nothing wrong with herbut a light head and a weak stomach.
　　“Put me back on the sidewalk,” she said. Her lips were white.
　　“So you faint at the sight of blood?” Could it get any more ironic?
　　She closed her eyes and pressed her lips together.
　　“And not even your own blood,” I added, my grin widening.
　　We were to the front office. The door was propped an inch open, and I kicked itout of my way.
　　Ms. Cope jumped, startled. “Oh, my,” she gasped as she examined the ashen girlin my arms.
　　“She fainted in Biology,” I explained, before her imagination could get too out ofhand.
　　Ms. Cope hurried to open the door to the nurse’s office. Bella’s eyes were openagain, watching her. I heard the elderly nurse’s internal astonishment as I laid the girlcarefully on the one shabby bed. As soon as Bella was out of my arms, I put the width ofthe room between us. My body was too excited, too eager, my muscles tense and thevenom flowing. She was so warm and fragrant.
　　“She’s just a little faint,” I reassured Mrs. Hammond. “They’re blood typing inbiology.”
　　She nodded, understanding now. “There’s always one.”
　　I stifled a laugh. Trust Bella to be that one.
　　“Just lie down for a minute, honey,” Mrs. Hammond said. “It’ll pass.”
　　“I know,” Bella said.
　　“Does this happen often?” the nurse asked.
　　  “Sometimes,” Bella admitted.
　　I tried to disguise my laughter as coughing.
　　This brought me to the nurse’s attention. “You can go back to class now,” shesaid.
　　I looked her straight in the eye and lied with perfect confidence. “I’m supposed tostay with her.”
　　Hmm. I wonder… oh well. Mrs. Hammond nodded.
　　It worked just fine on her. Why did Bella have to be so difficult?
　　“I’ll go get you some ice for your forehead, dear,” the nurse said, slightlyuncomfortable from looking into my eyes—the way a human should be—and left theroom.
　　“You were right,” Bella moaned, closing her eyes.
　　What did she mean? I jumped to the worst conclusion: she’d accepted mywarnings.
　　“I usually am,” I said, trying to keep the amusement in my voice; it sounded sournow. “But about what in particular this time?”
　　“Ditching is healthy,” she sighed.
　　Ah, relief again.
　　She was silent then. She just breathed slowly in and out. Her lips were beginningto turn pink. Her mouth was slightly out of balance, her lower lip just a little too full tomatch the top. Staring at her mouth made me feel strange. Made me want to move closerto her, which was not a good idea.
　　“You scared me for a minute there,” I said—to restart the conversation so that Icould hear her voice again. “I thought Newton was dragging your dead body off to buryit in the woods.”
　　“Ha ha,” she said.
　　“Honestly—I’ve seen corpses with better color.” This was actually true. “I wasconcerned that I might have to avenge your murder.” And I would have.
　　“Poor Mike,” she sighed. “I’ll bet he’s mad.”
　　Fury pulsed through me, but I contained it quickly. Her concern was surely justpity. She was kind. That was all.
　　  “He absolutely loathes me,” I told her, cheered by that idea.
　　“You can’t know that.”
　　“I saw his face—I could tell.” It was probably true that reading his face wouldhave given me enough information to make that particular deduction. All this practicewith Bella was sharpening my skill at reading human expressions.
　　“How did you see me? I thought you were ditching.” Her face looked better—the green undertone had vanished from her translucent skin.
　　“I was in my car, listening to a CD.”
　　Her expression twitched, like my very ordinary answer had surprised hersomehow.
　　She opened her eyes again when Mrs. Hammond returned with an ice pack.
　　“Here you go, dear,” the nurse said as she laid it across Bella’s forehead. “You’relooking better.”
　　“I think I’m fine,” Bella said, and she sat up while pulling the ice pack away. Ofcourse. She didn’t like to be taken care of.
　　Mrs. Hammond’s wrinkled hands fluttered toward the girl, as if she were going topush her back down, but just then Ms. Cope opened the door to the office and leaned in.
　　With her appearance came the smell of fresh blood, just a whiff.
　　Invisible in the office behind her, Mike Newton was still very angry, wishing theheavy boy he dragged now was the girl who was in here with me.
　　“We’ve got another one,” Ms. Cope said.
　　Bella quickly jumped down from the cot, eager to be out of the spotlight.
　　“Here,” she said, handing the compress back to Mrs. Hammond. “I don’t needthis.”
　　Mike grunted as he half-shoved Lee Stevens through the door. Blood was stilldripping down the hand Lee held to his face, trickling toward his wrist.
　　“Oh no.” This was my cue to leave—and Bella’s, too, it seemed. “Get out to theoffice, Bella.”
　　She stared up at me with bewildered eyes.
　　“Trust me—go.”
　　  She whirled and caught the door before it had swung shut, rushing through to theoffice. I followed a few inches behind her. Her swinging hair brushed my hand…She turned to look at me, still wide-eyed.
　　“You actually listened to me.” That was a first.
　　Her small nose wrinkled. “I smelled the blood.”
　　I stared at her in blank surprise. “People can’t smell blood.”
　　“Well, I can—that’s what makes me sick. It smells like rust…and salt.”
　　My face froze, still staring.
　　Was she really even human? She looked human. She felt soft as a human. Shesmelled human—well, better actually. She acted human…sort of. But she didn’t thinklike a human, or respond like one.
　　What other option was there, though?
　　“What?” she demanded.
　　“It’s nothing.”
　　Mike Newton interrupted us then, entering the room with resentful, violentthoughts.
　　“You look better,” he said to her rudely.
　　My hand twitched, wanting to teach him some manners. I would have to watchmyself, or I would end up actually killing this obnoxious boy.
　　“Just keep your hand in your pocket,” she said. For one wild second, I thoughtshe was talking to me.
　　“It’s not bleeding anymore,” he answered sullenly. “Are you going back toclass?”
　　“Are you kidding? I’d just have to turn around and come back.”
　　That was very good. I’d thought I was going to have to miss this whole hour withher, and now I got extra time instead. I felt greedy, a miser hording over each minute.
　　“Yeah, I guess…” Mike mumbled. “So are you going this weekend? To thebeach?”
　　Ah, they had plans. Anger froze me in place. It was a group trip, though. I’dseen some of this in other students’ heads. It wasn’t just the two of them. I was stillfurious. I leaned motionlessly against the counter, trying to control myself.
　　  “Sure, I said I was in,” she promised him.
　　So she’d said yes to him, too. The jealousy burned, more painful than thirst.
　　No, it was just a group outing, I tried to convince myself. She was just spendingthe day with friends. Nothing more.
　　“We’re meeting at my dad’s store, at ten.” And Cullen’s NOT invited.
　　“I’ll be there,” she said.
　　“I’ll see you in Gym, then.”
　　“See you,” she replied.
　　He shuffled off to his class, his thoughts full of ire. What does she see in thatfreak? Sure, he’s rich, I guess. Chicks think he’s hot, but I don’t see that. Too…tooperfect. I bet his dad experiments with plastic surgery on all of them. That’s why they’reall so white and pretty. It’s not natural. And he’s sort of…scary-looking. Sometimes,when he stares at me, I’d swear he’s thinking about killing me… Freak…Mike wasn’t entirely unperceptive.
　　“Gym,” Bella repeated quietly. A groan.
　　I looked at her, and saw that she was sad about something again. I wasn’t surewhy, but it was clear that she didn’t want to go to her next class with Mike, and I was allfor that plan.
　　I went to her side and bent close to her face, feeling the warmth of her skinradiating out to my lips. I didn’t dare breathe.
　　“I can take care of that,” I murmured. “Go sit down and look pale.”
　　She did as I asked, sitting in one of the folding chairs and leaning her head backagainst the wall, while, behind me, Ms. Cope came out of the back room and went to herdesk. With her eyes closed, Bella looked as if she’d passed out again. Her full colorhadn’t returned yet.
　　I turned to the secretary. Hopefully Bella was paying attention to this, I thoughtsardonically. This was how a human was supposed to respond.
　　“Ms. Cope?” I asked, using my persuasive voice again.
　　Her eyelashes fluttered, and her heart sped up. Too young, get a hold of yourself!
　　“Yes?”
　　  That was interesting. When Shelly Cope’s pulse quickened, it was because shefound me physically attractive, not because she was frightened. I was used to that aroundhuman females…yet I hadn’t considered that explanation for Bella’s racing heart.
　　I rather liked that. Too much, in fact. I smiled, and Mrs. Cope’s breathing gotlouder.
　　“Bella has gym next hour, and I don’t think she feels well enough. Actually, Iwas thinking I should take her home now. Do you think you could excuse her fromclass?” I stared into her depthless eyes, enjoying the havoc that this wreaked on herthought processes. Was it possible that Bella…?
　　Mrs. Cope had to swallow loudly before she answered. “Do you need to beexcused, too, Edward?”
　　“No, I have Mrs. Goff, she won’t mind.”
　　I wasn’t paying much attention to her now. I was exploring this new possibility.
　　Hmm. I’d like to believe that Bella found me attractive like other humans did, butwhen did Bella ever have the same reactions as other humans? I shouldn’t get my hopesup.
　　“Okay, it’s all taken care of. You feel better, Bella.”
　　Bella nodded weakly—overacting a bit.
　　“Can you walk, or do you want me to carry you again?” I asked, amused by herpoor theatrics. I knew she would want to walk—she wouldn’t want to be weak.
　　“I’ll walk,” she said.
　　Right again. I was getting better at this.
　　She got up, hesitating for a moment as if to check her balance. I held the door forher, and we walked out into the rain.
　　I watched her as she lifted her face to the light rain with her eyes closed, a slightsmile on her lips. What was she thinking? Something about this action seemed off, and Iquickly realized why the posture looked unfamiliar to me. Normal human girls wouldn’traise their faces to the drizzle that way; normal human girls usually wore makeup, evenhere in this wet place.
　　Bella never wore makeup, nor should she. The cosmetics industry made billionsof dollars a year from women who were trying to attain skin like hers.
　　  “Thanks,” she said, smiling at me now. “It’s worth getting sick to miss Gym.”
　　I stared across the campus, wondering how to prolong my time with her.
　　“Anytime,” I said.
　　“So are you going? This Saturday, I mean?” She sounded hopeful.
　　Ah, her hope was soothing. She wanted me with her, not Mike Newton. And Iwanted to say yes. But there were many things to consider. For one, the sun would beshining this Saturday…“Where are you all going, exactly?” I tried to keep my voice nonchalant, as if itdidn’t matter much. Mike had said beach, though. Not much chance of avoidingsunlight there.
　　“Down to La Push, to First Beach.”
　　Damn. Well, it was impossible, then.
　　Anyway, Emmett would be irritated if I cancelled our plans.
　　I glanced down at her, smiling wryly. “I really don’t think I was invited.”
　　She sighed, already resigned. “I just invited you.”
　　“Let’s you and I not push poor Mike any further this week. We don’t want him tosnap.” I thought about snapping poor Mike myself, and enjoyed the mental pictureintensely.
　　“Mike-schmike,” she said, dismissive again. I smiled widely.
　　And then she started to walk away from me.
　　Without thinking about my action, I reached out and caught her by the back of herrain jacket. She jerked to a stop.
　　“Where do you think you’re going?” I was almost angry that she was leaving me.
　　I hadn’t had enough time with her. She couldn’t go, not yet.
　　“I’m going home,” she said, baffled as to why this should upset me.
　　“Didn’t you hear me promise to take you safely home? Do you think I’m going tolet you drive in your condition?” I knew she wouldn’t like that—my implication ofweakness on her part. But I needed to practice for the Seattle trip, anyway. See if I couldhandle her proximity in an enclosed space. This was a much shorter journey.
　　  “What condition?” she demanded. “And what about my truck?”
　　“I’ll have Alice drop it off after school.” I pulled her back to my car carefully, asI now knew that walking forward was challenging enough for her.
　　“Let go!” she said, twisting sideways and nearly tripping. I held one hand out tocatch her, but she righted herself before it was necessary. I shouldn’t be looking forexcuses to touch her. That started me thinking about Ms. Cope’s reaction to me, but Ifiled it away for later. There was much to be considered on that front.
　　I let her go beside the car, and she stumbled into the door. I would have to beeven more careful, to take into account her poor balance…“You are so pushy!”
　　“It’s open.”
　　I got in on my side and started the car. She held her body rigidly, still outside,though the rain had picked up and I knew she didn’t like the cold and wet. Water wassoaking through her thick hair, darkening it to near black.
　　“I am perfectly capable of driving myself home!”
　　Of course she was—I just wasn’t capable of letting her go.
　　I rolled her window down and leaned toward her. “Get in, Bella.”
　　Her eyes narrowed, and I guessed that she was debating whether or not to make arun for it.
　　“I’ll just drag you back,” I promised, enjoying the chagrin on her face when sherealized I meant it.
　　Her chin stiffly in the air, she opened her door and climbed in. Her hair drippedon the leather and her boots squeaked against each other.
　　“This is completely unnecessary,” she said coldly. I thought she lookedembarrassed under the pique.
　　I just turned up the heater so she wouldn’t be uncomfortable, and set the music toa nice background level. I drove out toward the exit, watching her from the corner of myeye. Her lower lip was jutting out stubbornly. I stared at this, examining how it made mefeel… thinking of the secretary’s reaction again…Suddenly she looked at the stereo and smiled, her eyes widening. “Clair deLune?” she asked.
　　  A fan of the classics? “You know Debussy?”
　　“Not well,” she said. “My mother plays a lot of classical music around thehouse—I only know my favorites.”
　　“It’s one of my favorites, too.” I stared at the rain, considering that. I actuallyhad something in common with the girl. I’d begun to think that we were opposites inevery way.
　　She seemed more relaxed now, staring at the rain like me, with unseeing eyes. Iused her momentary distraction to experiment with breathing.
　　I inhaled carefully through my nose.
　　Potent.
　　I clutched the steering wheel tighter. The rain made her smell better. I wouldn’thave thought that was possible. Stupidly, I was suddenly imaging how she would taste.
　　I tried to swallow against the burn in my throat, to think of something else.
　　“What is your mother like?” I asked as a distraction.
　　Bella smiled. “She looks a lot like me, but she’s prettier.”
　　I doubted that.
　　“I have too much Charlie in me,” she went on. “She’s more outgoing than I am,and braver.”
　　I doubted that, too.
　　“She’s irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and she’s a very unpredictable cook.
　　She’s my best friend.” Her voice had turned melancholy; her forehead creased.
　　Again, she sounded more like parent than child.
　　I stopped in front of her house, wondering too late if I was supposed to knowwhere she lived. No, this wouldn’t be suspicious in such a small town, with her father apublic figure…“How old are you, Bella?” She must be older than her peers. Perhaps she’d beenlate to start school, or been held back…that wasn’t likely, though.
　　“I’m seventeen,” she answered.
　　“You don’t seem seventeen.”
　　She laughed.
　　“What?”
　　  “My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more middle-aged every year.” She laughed again, and then sighed. “Well, someone has to be theadult.”
　　This clarified things for me. I could see it now…how the irresponsible motherhelped explain Bella’s maturity. She’d had to grow up early, to become the caretaker.
　　That’s why she didn’t like being cared for—she felt it was her job.
　　“You don’t seem much like a junior in high school yourself,” she said, pulling mefrom my reverie.
　　I grimaced. For everything I perceived about her, she perceived too much inreturn. I changed the subject.
　　“So why did your mother marry Phil?”
　　She hesitated a minute before answering. “My mother…she’s very young for herage. I think Phil makes her feel even younger. At any rate, she’s crazy about him.” Sheshook her head indulgently.
　　“Do you approve?” I wondered.
　　“Does it matter?” she asked. “I want her to be happy…and he is who she wants.”
　　The unselfishness of her comment would have shocked me, except that it fit in alltoo well with what I’d learned of her character.
　　“That’s very generous…I wonder.”
　　“What?”
　　“Would she extend the same courtesy to you, do you think? No matter who yourchoice was?”
　　It was a foolish question, and I could not keep my voice casual while I asked it.
　　How stupid to even consider someone approving of me for their daughter. How stupid toeven think of Bella choosing me.
　　“I-I think so,” she stuttered, reacting in some way to my gaze. Fear…orattraction?
　　“But she’s the parent, after all. It’s a little bit different,” she finished.
　　I smiled wryly. “No one too scary then.”
　　She grinned at me. “What do you mean by scary? Multiple facial piercings andextensive tattoos?”
　　  “That’s one definition, I suppose.” A very nonthreatening definition, to my mind.
　　“What’s your definition?”
　　She always asked the wrong questions. Or exactly the right questions, maybe.
　　The ones I didn’t want to answer, at any rate.
　　“Do you think that I could be scary?” I asked her, trying to smile a little.
　　She thought it through before answering me in a serious voice. “Hmm…I thinkyou could be, if you wanted to.”
　　I was serious, too. “Are you frightened of me now?”
　　She answered at once, not thinking this one through. “No.”
　　I smiled more easily. I did not think she was entirely telling the truth, but nor wasshe truly lying. She wasn’t frightened enough to want to leave, at least. I wondered howshe would feel if I told her she was having this discussion with a vampire. I cringedinternally at her imagined reaction.
　　“So, now are you going to tell me about your family? It’s got to be a much moreinteresting story than mine.”
　　A more frightening one, at least.
　　“What do you want to know?” I asked cautiously.
　　“The Cullens adopted you?”
　　“Yes.”
　　She hesitated, then spoke in a small voice. “What happened to your parents?”
　　This wasn’t so hard; I wasn’t even having to lie to her. “They died a very longtime ago.”
　　“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, clearly worried about having hurt me.
　　She was worried about me.
　　“I don’t really remember them that clearly,” I assured her. “Carlisle and Esmehave been my parents for a long time now.”
　　“And you love them,” she deduced.
　　I smiled. “Yes. I couldn’t imagine two better people.”
　　“You’re very lucky.”
　　“I know I am.” In that one circumstance, the matter of parents, my luck could notbe denied.
　　  “And your brother and sisters?”
　　If I let her push for too many details, I would have to lie. I glanced at the clock,disheartened that my time with her was up.
　　“My brother and sister, and Jasper and Rosalie for that matter, are going to bequite upset if they have to stand in the rain waiting for me.”
　　“Oh, sorry, I guess you have to go.”
　　She didn’t move. She didn’t want our time to be up, either. I liked that very, verymuch.
　　“And you probably want your truck back before Chief Swan gets home, so youdon’t have to tell him about the Biology incident.” I grinned at the memory of herembarrassment in my arms.
　　“I’m sure he’s already heard. There are no secrets in Forks.” She said the nameof the town with distinct distaste.
　　I laughed at her words. No secrets, indeed. “Have fun at the beach.” I glanced atthe pouring rain, knowing it would not last, and wishing more strongly than usual that itcould. “Good weather for sunbathing.” Well, it would be by Saturday. She would enjoythat.
　　“Won’t I see you tomorrow?”
　　The worry in her tone pleased me.
　　“No. Emmett and I are starting the weekend early.” I was mad at myself now forhaving made the plans. I could break them…but there was no such thing as too muchhunting at this point, and my family was going to be concerned enough about mybehavior without me revealing how obsessive I was turning.
　　“What are you going to do?” she asked, not sounded happy with my revelation.
　　Good.
　　“We’re going to be hiking in the Goat Rocks Wilderness, just south of Rainier.”
　　Emmett was eager for bear season.
　　“Oh, well, have fun,” she said halfheartedly. Her lack of enthusiasm pleased meagain.
　　As I stared at her, I began to feel almost agonized at the thought of saying even atemporary goodbye. She was just so soft and vulnerable. It seemed foolhardy to let her  out of my sight, where anything could happen to her. And yet, the worst things that couldhappen to her would result from being with me.
　　“Will you do something for me this weekend?” I asked seriously.
　　She nodded, her eyes wide and bewildered by my intensity.
　　Keep it light.
　　“Don’t be offended, but you seem to be one of those people who just attractaccidents like a magnet. So…try not to fall into the ocean or get run over or anything, allright?”
　　I smiled ruefully at her, hoping she couldn’t see the sadness in my eyes. Howmuch I wished that she wasn’t so much better off away from me, no matter what mighthappen to her there.
　　Run, Bella, run. I love you too much, for your good or mine.
　　She was offended by my teasing. She glared at me. “I’ll see what I can do,” shesnapped, jumping out into the rain and slamming the door as hard as she could behindher.
　　Just like an angry kitten that believes it’s a tiger.
　　I curled my hand around the key I’d just picked from her jacket pocket, andsmiled as I drove away.第六章     验血一整天，我都在透过其他人的脑子跟踪她。
　　我没有借助麦克?牛顿的眼睛，因为我再也不能忍受他那些令人不快的幻想，也没有借助杰西卡?史丹利的眼睛，她对贝拉抱有的怨恨让我愤怒，在某种程度上这对这个心胸狭窄的女孩很不安全。安吉拉?韦伯倒是个不错的选择，当她的眼睛派上用场时；她很友善——她的脑子是一个令人感到舒心的地方。然后有时候是那些老师，他们能够提供最佳视野。
　　令我的惊讶是，一整天下来，我看见她老出错——被人行道上开裂的地砖绊倒脚啦，弄丢了书啦，还有，最常出问题的是她自己的双腿——我从人们那儿偷听到这样的想法：贝拉笨手笨脚的。
　　我回想起在第一天她撞到了课桌，那次意外发生前她在冰面上滑倒了，昨天被那道很低的门槛绊了脚，真奇怪，他们说对了，她真是笨手笨脚的。
　　我不明白为什么这些事让我感到好笑，不过在我上完美国历史走去上英语课的路上，大声笑了出来，让几个路人向我投过来小心翼翼的目光。我以前怎么都没有留意到这些事？或许是因为当她安安静静待着不动的时候，她身上有某些东西很优美，她抬起头的姿势，她颈项的那条弧线……这会儿她看起来一点儿也不优美。瓦纳先生正看见她的靴子尖绊到了地毯，结结实实地跌坐在她的椅子上。
　　我又笑了。
　　我在等能够亲眼看见她的机会，时间过得异常缓慢。终于下课铃响了。我飞快跑到餐厅占位子。我是最早去到的人。我挑了一张通常都没有人坐的桌子，然后我坐下来，这样就没人会打这张桌子的主意了。
　　当我的家人走进来，看见我一个人坐在一个新位置上时，他们都不感到惊讶。爱丽丝一定已经事先跟他们打过招呼了。
　　罗莎莉打我身边经过时，瞅也不瞅我一眼。
　　（白痴……）罗莎莉和我的关系一向都有点紧张——从她第一次听到我说话时起，我就大大地冒犯了她，然后就这么延续下来了——可是最近这段时间她的脾气好像变得更坏了。我叹口气。罗莎莉总是想让所有一切都围着她转。
　　 贾斯帕走过我身边时，给了我一丝微笑。
　　（祝你好运，）他不无怀疑地想。
　　爱美特转动着眼珠，摇了摇头。
　　（已经晕头转向啦，可怜的小子。）爱丽丝面露喜色，她的牙齿闪闪发光。
　　（我现在能和贝拉说话吗？）“别插手。”我压低声音说道。
　　她的脸垮下来，然后又一亮。
　　（好吧。老顽固。这只是时间问题。）我又叹了口气。
　　（别忘了今天的生物实验，）她提醒我。
　　我点点头。我当然没忘。
　　我在等贝拉来这儿的时候，透过一个一年级学生的眼睛注视着她，那人正走在杰西卡后面，正在来餐厅的路上。杰西卡正叽叽喳喳地谈论着即将到来的舞会，不过贝拉没说什么。并不是说杰西卡没给她开口说话的机会。
　　贝拉在走进餐厅大门的时候，眼睛瞟向我的兄弟姐妹们坐的地方。她盯了好一会儿，然后她的额头皱了起来，她的眼睛垂下来盯着地板。她没有注意到我在这边。
　　她看起来很……难过。我突然很想站起来走到她那里，想法子安慰她，只是我不知道她想得到什么样的安慰。我不知道她为什么会看起来那样。杰西卡还在唠叨着舞会的事。贝拉是因为她要错过舞会而难过吗？看起来又不太像……不过那可以补救，如果她想的话。
　　她只买了一瓶汽水当作午饭。那样好吗？她需要更多的营养吧？我之前从未留意过人类的日常饮食。
　　人类真是太脆弱了！可担心的地方太多了，数也数不清……“爱德华?卡伦又再盯着你看了。”我听见杰西卡说。“奇怪为什么他今天一个人坐？”
　　我要感谢杰西卡——尽管这会儿她甚至比以往更生气了——因为贝拉的头猛地抬起，她的眼睛搜寻着，直到和我的目光相遇。
　　现在，她脸上的忧愁荡然无存。我让自己这么希望：她难过是因为她以为我今天提早离开了学校，这个想法让我露出微笑。
　　我用手指朝她做了个手势，让她过来。她看起来吃了一惊，让我又想取笑她了。
　　于是我朝她使了个眼色，她张大了嘴巴。
　　“他是在叫你过去吗？”杰西卡很不礼貌地问。
　　“也许他需要找人帮忙做生物作业。”她用一种低而不确定的声音说道。“嗯，我最好还是过去看看吧。”
　　这是另一个“好的”。
　　她来到我桌子跟前时又被绊了两次，尽管她脚下只有平坦之极的地砖。说真的，我以前怎么 没有留意到这些？我过去把更多的注意力放在她沉默的思想上了，我还以为……我还错过别的什么了吗？
　　保持坦诚，保持轻松，我对自己反复念叨。
　　她站在我对面的那把椅子后，犹豫着。我深深地吸了口气，这回是用鼻子而不是嘴巴。
　　感觉那股烧灼，我口干舌燥地想。
　　“你今天干嘛不跟我坐一块儿？”我问她。
　　她拉开椅子坐下来，在此期间一直盯着我看。她好像很紧张，不过她的身体语言仍然是另一个“好的”。
　　我在等她开口说话。
　　她迟疑了片刻，终于开口说道：“今天是不一样。”
　　“嗯……”我踌躇着，“我想好了，反正是下地狱，我不如来它个一不做二不休。”
　　是什么让我说出这番话？我猜是诚实，至少如此。而且或许她能听出我话里隐含的警告。很可能她会意识到她应该站起身走开，能跑多快就跑多快……她没有站起来。她盯着我，等着，好像我的话还没说完似的。
　　“你知道我一点儿也不明白你的意思。”见我没有接着往下说，她这么开口了。
　　我松了口气。我笑了。
　　“我知道。”
　　要做到不理会从她背后传来的冲我大喊大叫的想法可不容易——而且不管怎么说，我想改变一下关注的对象。
　　“我想你那些朋友肯定很生气我把你偷来了。”
　　她似乎不怎么关心这个。“他们活得下去。”
　　“不过，我也许不会把你还回去哟。”我甚至搞不清楚我现在到底是在说实话呢，还是又想跟她开玩笑。跟她在一起似乎很难让我弄明白自己想干什么。
　　贝拉咽了口唾沫。
　　她的表情让我发笑。“你好像很焦虑哦。”其实这一点儿也不好笑，她是该焦虑的。
　　“没有啊，”她可不是个及格的撒谎者；她那结结巴巴的语气根本无济于事。“实际上，我是感到意外怎么会这样呢？”
　　“我跟你说过——”我提醒她想起。“我已经厌倦了，不想再跟你保持距离了。所以我打算放弃。”我努力保持笑容。这根本办不到——在诚实的同时还要保持轻松。
　　“放弃？”她重复我的话，感到迷惑不解。
　　“对——放弃了，不想再为了坚持自己认为正确的方式而一直压抑内心真实的感觉了。”而且，很显然，放弃了保持轻松。“现在我打算想干什么就干什么，不管结果如何了。”这真是够诚实的了。让她见识见识我的自私吧。也让那警告警告她。
　　“你又让我听不明白了。”
　　我的自私让我乐于见到这样的结果。“跟你在一起，我只要一开口，就总是管不住自己的嘴——这就是一个问题。”
　　跟其他问题比起来，这个问题没多大意义。
　　“别担心，”她安慰我，“我啥也没听懂。”
　　很好。那么她会留下来。“我料想是这样。”
　　“那么，明说吧，咱俩现在是朋友吗？”
　　我考虑了一秒钟。“朋友……”我重复道。我不喜欢这个词。那远远不够。
　　“还是不是。”她咕哝一声，看起来挺尴尬。
　　她是不是认为我太不喜欢她啦？
　　我微笑。“好吧，我们可以试一试，我想。不过我要提醒你，对你来说，我可不是一个好朋友。”
　　 我在等她回应，我的心被割裂成两半——一半希望她能听我的话，明白过来，另一半却在想，如果她真这么做了，我可能会死掉。多么戏剧化呀。我正变成一个人类。
　　她的心跳加快了。“你已经说过好多遍了。”
　　“对，因为你不听我的话嘛，”我说道，再次紧张起来。“我依然在等你相信我的话。你要是聪明的话，就应该躲着我才对。”
　　啊，如果她试着这么做的话，我会允许吗？
　　她的眼睛眯缝起来。“我想关于我的智力问题，你已经发表过意见了。”
　　我不是很清楚她这话的意思，不过我还是致以歉疚的一笑，我猜我一定是在不经意中惹恼了她。
　　“这么说，”她慢吞吞地说道。“只要我不聪明，我们就得努力才能成为朋友？”
　　“基本上是这样吧。”
　　她低下头，专注地盯着手里那瓶柠檬汽水看。
　　那熟悉的好奇心又来烦我了。
　　“你在想什么？”我问道——终于能把这句话大声说出来真是一种解脱。
　　她迎上我的目光，她的呼吸加快了，脸颊微微有点发红。我品尝空气中的味道。
　　“我在试图琢磨出你是什么来路。”
　　我把微笑固定在脸上，让自己保持那样的笑容，然而慌乱却让我的身体变得僵硬。
　　她当然会想要知道这个。她不笨。我不能指望她不去留意到如此明显的东西。
　　“那你碰到点儿运气没有？”我想方设法让自己问得轻松。
　　“不太多。”她承认道。
　　我一下子松了口气，轻声笑了。“你的推测是什么？”
　　不管她的推测是什么，都不可能比真相更糟。
　　她的双颊变得更红了，她什么也不说。我能在空气中感觉到她红扑扑的脸颊上的热度。
　　我试着用我具有说服力的语气去说服她。通常在一般人身上很有用。
　　“你不愿意告诉我？”我投以鼓励的微笑。
　　她摇头。“太不好意思了。”
　　嗯。一无所知比别的什么都要糟。为什么她的推测会让她觉得不好意思？我没法忍受自己不知道。
　　“那真是叫人太失望了，你知道。”
　　我的抱怨好像踩到她尾巴一样。她的眼睛放射出光芒，嘴里噼里啪啦地吐出一大串话，一点儿也不像她平时说话的方式：
　　“不，我一点儿也想像不出这干嘛会叫人失望——仅仅因为人家不愿意告诉你他们的想法，就算他们一直在卖弄小关子，说些含义隐晦的话，专门让你夜里琢磨得睡不着觉请问，你凭什么说这会叫人失望呢？”
　　我朝她皱了皱眉，心烦意乱地意识到她说得对。我做事不公平。
　　她继续道。“或者这样说吧，有些人也做过形形色色的怪事——从某天在不可能的情况下救了你的命，到第二天像对待贱民一样对待你，更过分的是，他还从来不作任何解释，尽管这还是他自己亲口答应过的。那，不也是叫人非常失望吗？”
　　这是我从她那儿听过的最长的一段演说，这让我的清单上又添了一个新的个性。
　　“你还真有点儿脾气，对不？”
　　“我不喜欢某人对自己一套，对别人又是一套。”
　　当然啦，她完全有充分的理由生气。
　　我凝视着贝拉，想知道在允许的范围内，我该对她做些什么才恰当，直到这时麦克?牛顿脑子里的叫嚷分散了我的注意力。
　　 他是那么气愤，让我笑出声来。
　　“你笑什么？”她询问道。
　　“你男朋友似乎认为我在惹你不高兴——他在盘算着来不来劝架呢。”我会很高兴看他尝试的。我又笑了。
　　“我不知道你说的是谁，”她冷冰冰地说道，“不过我可以肯定地告诉你，你错了。”
　　她用斩钉截铁的语气跟麦克撇清关系，那让我乐在其中。
　　“我没错。我告诉过你，大多数人心里是怎么想的，很容易就能看出来。”
　　“我同意，不过是除我之外。”
　　“是的，除了你之外。”她一定要成为所有一切的例外吗？这会变得更公平一点吗——考虑到我现在还得去应付别的一切——如果我至少能听到她脑子里的一点点儿想法？那么我还需要问那么多吗？“我想知道你为什么是例外？”
　　我深深地看进她的眼睛，想再试一次……她把目光移开了。她拧开瓶盖，飞快喝了一口，她的眼睛盯着桌面。
　　“你不饿吗？”我问道。
　　“不饿。”她看了看我俩之间空荡荡的桌子。“你呢？”
　　“不，我不饿。”我说道。这点我非常肯定。
　　她盯着桌子，嘴巴紧闭。我在等待。
　　“你能帮我一个忙吗？”她问道，突然又迎上了我的视线。
　　她想从我这儿得到什么？她是不是想问我那个我不允许告诉她的真相——那个我希望她永远、永远都不要知道的真相？
　　“那得看是什么忙。”
　　“不是太大的忙。”她承诺道。
　　我等着，又一次感到好奇。
　　“我只是想知道……”她慢吞吞地说道，眼睛盯着那瓶柠檬汽水，用小指头摸着瓶口的纹路。
　　“下一次你觉得为了我好而不理我之前，能不能提前通知我一声？这样我才好有个准备。”
　　她想要我提前通知她？这么说被我不理不顾一定是件坏事……我微笑。
　　“这听起来合情合理。”我同意道。
　　“谢谢。”她说道，抬头看我。她一脸轻松的表情，让我想为自己刚才的提心吊胆而发笑。
　　“那么作为回报，你能不能回答我一个问题？”我满怀希望地问道。
　　“就一个。”她允许了。
　　“告诉我你对我的一个推测。”
　　她脸红了。“这个可不行。”
　　“你刚才可没限定，你只答应了回答一个问题。”我争辩道。
　　“你自己还不是食言过。”她反驳道。
　　“就一个推测——我不会笑的。”
　　“不嘛，你会笑的。”她似乎很肯定，尽管我想像不出究竟会是什么那么好笑。
　　我试着继续说服她。我深深地凝视她的眼睛——这么做很容易，她的眼睛是那么深邃——并且低语，“求你了。”
　　她眨了眨眼睛，然后变得一脸茫然。
　　噢，严格说来，那可不是我想要的反应。
　　“呃，什么？”她问道，她看起来有点头晕目眩的，她是不是哪里不舒服了？
　　可我还没放弃。
　　“求你了，就告诉我一个小推测。”我用一种温柔的
Chapter 7 Melody
I had to wait when I got back to school. The final hour wasn’t out yet. That was good,because I had things to think about and I needed the alone time.
　　Her scent lingered in the car. I kept the windows up, letting it assault me, tryingto get used to the feel of intentionally torching my throat.
　　Attraction.
　　It was a problematic thing to contemplate. So many sides to it, so many differentmeanings and levels. Not the same thing as love, but tied up in it inextricably.
　　I had no idea if Bella was attracted to me. (Would her mental silence somehowcontinue to get more and more frustrating until I went mad? Or was there a limit that Iwould eventually reach?)I tried to compare her physical responses to others, like the secretary and JessicaStanley, but the comparison was inconclusive. The same markers—changes in heart rateand breathing patterns—could just as easily mean fear or shock or anxiety as they didinterest. It seemed unlikely that Bella could be entertaining the same kinds of thoughtsthat Jessica Stanley used to have. After all, Bella knew very well that there wassomething wrong with me, even if she didn’t know what exactly it was. She had touchedmy icy skin, and then yanked her hand away from the chill.
　　And yet…as I remembered those fantasies that used to repulse me, butremembered them with Bella in Jessica’s place…I was breathing more quickly, the fire clawing up and down my throat.
　　What if it had been Bella imagining me with my arms wrapped around her fragilebody? Feeling me pull her tightly against my chest and then cupping my hand under herchin? Brushing the heavy curtain of her hair back from her blushing face? Tracing theshape of her full lips with my fingertips? Leaning my face closer to hers, where I couldfeel the heat of her breath on my mouth? Moving closer still…But then I flinched away from the daydream, knowing, as I had known whenJessica had imagined these things, what would happen if I got that close to her.
　　  Attraction was an impossible dilemma, because I was already too attracted toBella in the worst way.
　　Did I want Bella to be attracted to me, a woman to a man?
　　That was the wrong question. The right question was should I want Bella to beattracted to me that way, and that answer was no. Because I was not a human man, andthat wasn’t fair to her.
　　With every fiber of my being, I ached to be a normal man, so that I could hold herin my arms without risking her life. So that I could be free to spin my own fantasies,fantasies that didn’t end in with her blood on my hands, her blood glowing in my eyes.
　　My pursuit of her was indefensible. What kind of relationship could I offer her,when I couldn’t risk touching her?
　　I hung my head in my hands.
　　It was all the more confusing because I had never felt so human in my wholelife—not even when I was human, as far as I could recall. When I had been human, mythoughts had all been turned to a soldier’s glory. The Great War had raged through mostof my adolescence, and I’d been only nine months away from my eighteenth birthdaywhen the influenza had struck… I had just vague impressions of those human years,murky memories that faded more with every passing decade. I remembered my mothermost clearly, and felt an ancient ache when I thought of her face. I recalled dimly howmuch she had hated the future I’d raced eagerly toward, praying every night when shesaid grace at dinner that the “horrid war” would end… I had no memories of anotherkind of yearning. Besides my mother’s love, there was no other love that had made mewish to stay…This was entirely new to me. I had no parallels to draw, no comparisons to make.
　　The love I felt for Bella had come purely, but now the waters were muddied. Iwanted very much to be able to touch her. Did she feel the same way?
　　That didn’t matter, I tried to convince myself.
　　I stared at my white hands, hating their hardness, their coldness, their inhumanstrength…I jumped when the passenger door opened.
　　  Ha. Caught you by surprise. There’s a first, Emmett thought as he slid into theseat. “I’ll bet Mrs. Goff thinks you’re on drugs, you’ve been so erratic lately. Wherewere you today?”
　　“I was…doing good deeds.”
　　Huh?
　　I chuckled. “Caring for the sick, that kind of thing.”
　　That confused him more, but then he inhaled and caught the scent in the car.
　　“Oh. The girl again?”
　　I grimaced.
　　This is getting weird.
　　“Tell me about it,” I mumbled.
　　He inhaled again. “Hmm, she does have a quite a flavor, doesn’t she?”
　　The snarl broke through my lips before his words had even registered all the way,an automatic response.
　　“Easy, kid, I’m just sayin.’”
　　The others arrived then. Rosalie noticed the scent at once and glowered at me,still not over her irritation. I wondered what her problem was, but all I could hear fromher were insults.
　　I didn’t like Jasper’s reaction, either. Like Emmett, he noticed Bella’s appeal.
　　Not that the scent had, for either of them, a thousandth portion of the draw it had for me.
　　I was still upset me that her blood was sweet to them. Jasper had poor control…Alice skipped to my side of the car and held her hand out for Bella’s truck key.
　　“I only saw that I was,” she said—obscurely, as was her habit. “You’ll have totell me the whys.”
　　“This doesn’t mean—”
　　“I know, I know. I’ll wait. It won’t be long.”
　　I sighed and gave her the key.
　　I followed her to Bella’s house. The rain was pounding down like a million tinyhammers, so loud that maybe Bella’s human ears couldn’t hear the thunder of the truck’sengine. I watched her window, but she didn’t come to look out. Maybe she wasn’t there.
　　There were no thoughts to hear.
　　  It made me sad that I couldn’t hear enough even to check on her—to make sureshe was happy, or safe, at the least.
　　Alice climbed in the back and we sped home. The roads were empty, and so itonly took a few minutes. We trooped into the house, and then went to our variouspastimes.
　　Emmett and Jasper were in the middle of an elaborate game of chess, utilizingeight joined boards—spread out along the glass back wall—and their own complicatedset of rules. They wouldn’t let me play; only Alice would play games with me anymore.
　　Alice went to her computer just around the corner from them and I could hear hermonitors sing to life. Alice was working on a fashion design project for Rosalie’swardrobe, but Rosalie did not join her today, to stand behind her and direct cut and coloras Alice’s hand traced over the touch sensitive screens (Carlisle and I had had to tweakthat system a bit, given that most such screens responded to temperature). Instead, todayRosalie sprawled sullenly on the sofa and started flipping through twenty channels asecond on the flat screen, never pausing. I could hear her trying to decide whether or notto go out to the garage and tune her BMW again.
　　Esme was upstairs, humming over a new set of blue prints.
　　Alice leaned her head around the wall after a moment and started mouthingEmmett’s next moves—Emmett sat on the floor with his back to her—to Jasper, whokept his expression very smooth as he cut off Emmett’s favorite knight.
　　And I, for the first time in so long that I felt ashamed, went to sit at the exquisitegrand piano stationed just off the entryway.
　　I ran my hand gently up the scales, testing the pitch. The tuning was still perfect.
　　Upstairs, Esme paused what she was doing and cocked her head to the side.
　　I began the first line of the tune that had suggested itself to me in the car today,pleased that it sounded even better than I’d imagined.
　　Edward is playing again, Esme thought joyously, a smile breaking across herface. She got up from her desk, and flitted silently to the head of the stairs.
　　I added a harmonizing line, letting the central melody weave through it.
　　Esme sighed with contentment, sat down on the top step, and leaned her headagainst the banister. A new song. It’s been so long. What a lovely tune.
　　  I let the melody lead in a new direction, following it with the bass line.
　　Edward is composing again? Rosalie thought, and her teeth clenched together infierce resentment.
　　In that moment, she slipped, and I could read all her underlying outrage. I sawwhy she was in such a poor temper with me. Why killing Isabella Swan had not botheredher conscience at all.
　　With Rosalie, it was always about vanity.
　　The music came to an abrupt halt, and I laughed before I could help myself, asharp bark of amusement that broke off quickly as I threw my hand over my mouth.
　　Rosalie turned to glare at me, her eyes sparking with chagrined fury.
　　Emmett and Jasper turned to stare, too, and I heard Esme’s confusion. Esme wasdownstairs in a flash, pausing to glance between Rosalie and me.
　　“Don’t stop, Edward,” Esme encouraged after a strained moment.
　　I started playing again, turning my back on Rosalie while trying very hard tocontrol the grin stretching across my face. She got to her feet and stalked out of theroom, more angry than embarrassed. But certainly quite embarrassed.
　　If you say anything I will hunt you like a dog.
　　I smothered another laugh.
　　“What’s wrong, Rose?” Emmett called after her. Rosalie didn’t turn. Shecontinued, back ramrod straight, to the garage and then squirmed under her car as if shecould bury herself there.
　　“What’s that about?” Emmett asked me.
　　“I don’t have the faintest idea,” I lied.
　　Emmett grumbled, frustrated.
　　“Keep playing,” Esme urged. My hands had paused again.
　　I did as she asked, and she came to stand behind me, putting her hands on myshoulders.
　　The song was compelling, but incomplete. I toyed with a bridge, but it didn’tseem right somehow.
　　“It’s charming. Does it have a name?” Esme asked.
　　“Not yet.”
　　  “Is there a story to it?” she asked, a smile in her voice. This gave her very greatpleasure, and I felt guilty for having neglected my music for so long. It had been selfish.
　　“It’s…a lullaby, I suppose.” I got the bridge right then. It led easily to the nextmovement, taking on a life of its own.
　　“A lullaby,” she repeated to herself.
　　There was a story to this melody, and once I saw that, the pieces fell into placeeffortlessly. The story was a sleeping girl in a narrow bed, dark hair thick and wild andtwisted like seaweed across the pillow…Alice left Jasper to his own devices and came to sit next to me on the bench. Inher trilling, wind chime voice, she sketched out a wordless descant two octaves above themelody.
　　“I like it,” I murmured. “But how about this?”
　　I added her line to the harmony—my hands were flying across the keys now towork all the pieces together—modifying it a bit, taking it in a new direction…She caught the mood, and sung along.
　　“Yes. Perfect,” I said.
　　Esme squeezed my shoulder.
　　But I could see the end now, with Alice’s voice rising above the tune and taking itto another place. I could see how the song must end, because the sleeping girl wasperfect just the way she was, and any change at all would be wrong, a sadness. The songdrifted toward that realization, slower and lower now. Alice’s voice lowered, too, andbecame solemn, a tone that belonged under the echoing arches of a candlelit cathedral.
　　I played the last note, and then bowed my head over the keys.
　　Esme stroked my hair. It’s going to be fine, Edward. This is going to work outfor the best. You deserve happiness, my son. Fate owes you that.
　　“Thanks,” I whispered, wishing I could believe it.
　　Love doesn’t always come in convenient packages.
　　I laughed once without humor.
　　You, out of everyone on this planet, are perhaps best equipped to deal with such adifficult quandary. You are the best and the brightest of us all.
　　I sighed. Every mother thought the same of her son.
　　  Esme was still full of joy that my heart had finally been touched after all this time,no matter the potential for tragedy. She’d thought I would always be alone…She’ll have to love you back, she thought suddenly, catching me by surprise withthe direction of her thoughts. If she’s a bright girl. She smiled. But I can’t imagineanyone being so slow they wouldn’t see the catch you are.
　　“Stop it, Mom, you’re making me blush,” I teased. Her words, thoughimprobable, did cheer me.
　　Alice laughed and picked out the top hand of “Heart and Soul.” I grinned andcompleted the simple harmony with her. Then I favored her with a performance of“Chopsticks.”
　　She giggled, then sighed. “So I wish you’d tell me what you were laughing atRose about,” Alice said. “But I can see that you won’t.”
　　“Nope.”
　　She flicked my ear with her finger.
　　“Be nice, Alice,” Esme chided. “Edward is being a gentleman.”
　　“But I want to know.”
　　I laughed at the whining tone she put on. Then I said, “Here, Esme,” and beganplaying her favorite song, an unnamed tribute to the love I’d watched between her andCarlisle for so many years.
　　“Thank you, dear.” She squeezed my shoulder again.
　　I didn’t have to concentrate to play the familiar piece. Instead I thought ofRosalie, still figuratively writhing in mortification in the garage, and I grinned to myself.
　　Having just discovered the potency of jealousy for myself, I had a small amountof pity for her. It was a wretched way to feel. Of course, her jealously was a thousandtimes more petty than mine. Quite the fox in the manger scenario.
　　I wondered how Rosalie’s life and personality would have been different if shehad not always been the most beautiful. Would she have been a happier person if beautyhadn’t at all times been her strongest selling point? Less egocentric? Morecompassionate? Well, I supposed it was useless to wonder, because the past was done,and she always had been the most beautiful. Even when human, she had ever lived in thespotlight of her own loveliness. Not that she’d minded. The opposite—she’d loved  admiration above almost anything else. That hadn’t changed with the loss of hermortality.
　　It was no surprise then, taking this need as a given, that she’d been offended whenI had not, from the beginning, worshiped her beauty the way she expected all males toworship. Not that she’d wanted me in any way—far from it. But it had aggravated herthat I did not want her, despite that. She was used to being wanted.
　　It was different with Jasper and Carlisle—they were already both in love. I wascompletely unattached, and yet still remained obstinately unmoved.
　　I’d thought that old resentment was buried. That she was long passed it.
　　And she had been…until the day that I finally found someone whose beautytouched me the way hers had not.
　　Rosalie had relied on the belief that if I did not find her beauty worth worshiping,then certainly there was no beauty on earth that would reach me. She’d been furioussince the moment I’d saved Bella’s life, guessing, with her shrewd female intuition, theinterest that I was all but unconscious of myself.
　　Rosalie was mortally offended that I found some insignificant human girl moreappealing than her.
　　I suppressed the urge to laugh again.
　　It bothered me some, though, the way she saw Bella. Rosalie actually thought thegirl was plain. How could she believe that? It seemed incomprehensible to me. Aproduct of the jealousy, no doubt.
　　“Oh!” Alice said abruptly. “Jasper, guess what?”
　　I saw what she’d just seen, and my hands froze on the keys.
　　“What, Alice?” Jasper asked.
　　“Peter and Charlotte are coming to visit next week! They’re going to be in theneighborhood, isn’t that nice?”
　　“What’s wrong, Edward?” Esme asked, feeling the tension in my shoulders.
　　“Peter and Charlotte are coming to Forks?” I hissed at AliceShe rolled her eyes at me. “Calm down, Edward. It’s not their first visit.”
　　My teeth clenched together. It was their first visit since Bella had arrived, and hersweet blood didn’t appeal just to me.
　　  Alice frowned at my expression. “They never hunt here. You know that.”
　　But Jasper’s brother of sorts and the little vampire he loved were not like us; theyhunted the usual way. They could not be trusted around Bella.
　　“When?” I demanded.
　　She pursed her lips unhappily, but told me what I needed to know. Mondaymorning. No one is going to hurt Bella.
　　“No,” I agreed, and then turned away from her. “You ready, Emmett?”
　　“I thought we were leaving in the morning?”
　　“We’re coming back by midnight Sunday. I guess it’s up to you when you wantto leave.”
　　“Okay, fine. Let me say goodbye to Rose first.”
　　“Sure.” With the mood Rosalie was in, it would be a short goodbye.
　　You really have lost it, Edward, he thought as he headed toward the back door.
　　“I suppose I have.”
　　“Play the new song for me, one more time,” Esme asked.
　　“If you’d like that,” I agreed, though I was a little hesitant to follow the tune to itsunavoidable end—the end that had set me aching in unfamiliar ways. I thought for amoment, and then pulled the bottle cap from my pocket and set it on the empty musicstand. That helped a bit—my little memento of her yes.
　　I nodded to myself, and started playing.
　　Esme and Alice exchanged a glance, but neither one asked.
　　“Hasn’t anyone ever told you not to play with your food?” I called to Emmett.
　　“Oh, hey Edward!” he shouted back, grinning and waving at me. The bear tookadvantage of his distraction to rake its heavy paw across Emmett’s chest. The sharpclaws shredded through his shirt, and squealed across his skin.
　　The bear bellowed at the high-pitched noise.
　　Aw hell, Rose gave me this shirt!
　　Emmett roared back at the enraged animal.
　　  I sighed and sat down on a convenient boulder. This might take awhile.
　　But Emmett was almost done. He let the bear try to take his head off with anotherswipe of the paw, laughing as the blow bounced off and sent the bear staggering back.
　　The bear roared and Emmett roared again through his laughter. Then he launchedhimself at the animal, who stood a head taller than him on its hind legs, and their bodiesfell to the ground tangled up together, taking a mature spruce tree down with them. Thebear’s growls cut off with a gurgle.
　　A few minutes later, Emmett jogged over to where I was waiting for him. Hisshirt was destroyed, torn and bloodied, sticky with sap and covered in fur. His dark curlyhair wasn’t in much better shape. He had a huge grin on his face.
　　“That was a strong one. I could almost feel it when he clawed me.”
　　“You’re such a child, Emmett.”
　　He eyed my smooth, clean white button-down. “Weren’t you able to track downthat mountain lion, then?”
　　“Of course I was. I just don’t eat like a savage.”
　　Emmett laughed his booming laugh. “I wish they were stronger. It would bemore fun.”
　　“No one said you had to fight your food.”
　　“Yeah, but who else am I going to fight with? You and Alice cheat, Rose neverwants to get her hair messed up, and Esme gets mad if Jasper and I really go at it.”
　　“Life is hard all around, isn’t it?”
　　Emmett grinned at me, shifting his weight a bit so that he was suddenly poised totake a charge.
　　“C’mon Edward. Just turn it off for one minute and fight fair.”
　　“It doesn’t turn off,” I reminded him.
　　“Wonder what that human girl does to keep you out?” Emmett mused. “Maybeshe could give me some pointers.”
　　My good humor vanished. “Stay away from her,” I growled through my teeth.
　　“Touchy, touchy.”
　　I sighed. Emmett came to sit beside me on the rock.
　　  “Sorry. I know you’re going through a tough spot. I really am trying to not betoo much of an insensitive jerk, but, since that’s sort of my natural state…”
　　He waited for me to laugh at his joke, and then made a face.
　　So serious all the time. What’s bugging you now?
　　“Thinking about her. Well, worrying, really.”
　　“What’s there to worry about? You are here.” He laughed loudly.
　　I ignored his joke again, but answered his question. “Have you ever thoughtabout how fragile they all are? How many bad things there are that can happen to amortal?”
　　“Not really. I guess I see what you mean, though. I wasn’t much match for abear that first time around, was I?”
　　“Bears,” I muttered, adding a new fear to the pile. “That would be just her luck,wouldn’t it? Stray bear in town. Of course it would head straight for Bella.”
　　Emmett chuckled. “You sound like a crazy person, do you know that?”
　　“Just imagine for one minute that Rosalie was human, Emmett. And she couldrun into a bear…or get hit by a car…or lightening…or fall down stairs…or get sick—geta disease!” The words burst from me stormily. It was a relief to let them out—they’dbeen festering inside me all weekend. “Fires and earthquakes and tornados! Ugh!
　　When’s the last time you watched the news? Have you seen the kinds of things thathappen to them? Burglaries and homicides…” My teeth clenched together, and I wasabruptly so infuriated by the idea of another human hurting her that I couldn’t breathe.
　　“Whoa, whoa! Hold up, there, kid. She lives in Forks, remember? So she getsrained on.” He shrugged.
　　“I think she has some serious bad luck, Emmett, I really do. Look at the evidence.
　　Of all the places in the world she could go, she ends up in a town where vampires makeup a significant portion of the population.”
　　“Yeah, but we’re vegetarians. So isn’t that good luck, not bad?”
　　“With the way she smells? Definitely bad. And then, more bad luck, the way shesmells to me.” I glowered at my hands, hating them again.
　　“Except that you have more self-control than just about anyone but Carlisle.
　　Good luck again.”
　　  “The van?”
　　“That was just an accident.”
　　“You should have seen it coming for her, Em, again and again. I swear, it waslike she had some kind of magnetic pull.”
　　“But you were there. That was good luck.”
　　“Was it? Isn’t this the worst luck any human could ever possibly have—to have avampire fall in love with them?”
　　Emmett considered that quietly for a moment. He pictured the girl in his head,and found the image uninteresting. Honestly, I can’t really see the draw.
　　“Well, I can’t really see Rosalie’s allure, either,” I said rudely. “Honestly, sheseems like more work than any pretty face is worth.”
　　Emmett chuckled. “I don’t suppose you’d tell me…”
　　“I don’t know what her problem is, Emmett,” I lied with a sudden, wide grin.
　　I saw his intent in time to brace myself. He tried to shove me off the rock, andthere was a loud cracking sound as a fissure opened in the stone between us.
　　“Cheater,” he muttered.
　　I waited for him to try another time, but his thoughts took a different direction.
　　He was picturing Bella’s face again, but imagining it whiter, imagining her eyes brightred…“No,” I said, my voice strangled.
　　“It solves your worries about mortality, doesn’t it? And then you wouldn’t wantto kill her, either. Isn’t that the best way?”
　　“For me? Or for her?”
　　“For you,” he answered easily. His tone added the of course.
　　I laughed humorlessly. “Wrong answer.”
　　“I didn’t mind so much,” he reminded me.
　　“Rosalie did.”
　　He sighed. We both knew that Rosalie would do anything, give up anything, if itmeant she could be human again. Even Emmett.
　　“Yeah, Rose did,” he acquiesced quietly.
　　  “I can’t… I shouldn’t… I’m not going to ruin Bella’s life. Wouldn’t you feel thesame, if it were Rosalie?”
　　Emmett thought about that for a moment. You really…love her?
　　“I can’t even describe it, Emmett. All of a sudden, this girl’s the whole world tome. I don’t see the point of the rest of the world without her anymore.”
　　But you won’t change her? She won’t last forever, Edward.
　　“I know that,” I groaned.
　　And, as you’ve pointed out, she’s sort of breakable.
　　“Trust me—that I know, too.”
　　Emmett was not a tactful person, and delicate discussions were not his forte. Hestruggled now, wanting very much not to be offensive.
　　Can you even touch her? I mean, if you love her…wouldn’t you want to, welltouch her…?
　　Emmett and Rosalie shared an intensely physical love. He had a hard timeunderstanding how one could love, without that aspect.
　　I sighed. “I can’t even think of that, Emmett.”
　　Wow. So what are your options, then?
　　“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I’m trying to figure out a way to…to leave her. Ijust can’t fathom how to make myself stay away…”
　　With a deep sense of gratification, I suddenly realized that it was right for me tostay—at least for now, with Peter and Charlotte on their way. She was safer with mehere, temporarily, than she would be if I were gone. For the moment, I could be herunlikely protector.
　　The thought made me anxious; I itched to be back so that I could fill that role foras long as possible.
　　Emmett noticed the change in my expression. What are you thinking about?
　　“Right now,” I admitted a bit sheepishly, “I’m dying to run back to Forks andcheck on her. I don’t know if I’ll make it till Sunday night.”
　　“Uh-uh! You are not going home early. Let Rosalie cool down a little bit.
　　Please! For my sake.”
　　“I’ll try to stay,” I said doubtfully.
　　  Emmett tapped the phone in my pocket. “Alice would call if there were any basisfor your panic attack. She’s as weird about this girl as you are.”
　　I grimaced at that. “Fine. But I’m not staying past Sunday.”
　　“There’s no point in hurrying back—it’s going to be sunny, anyway. Alice saidwe were free from school until Wednesday.”
　　I shook my head rigidly.
　　“Peter and Charlotte know how to behave themselves.”
　　“I really don’t care, Emmett. With Bella’s luck, she’ll go wandering off into thewoods at exactly the wrong moment and—” I flinched. “Peter isn’t known for his self-control. I’m going back Sunday.”
　　Emmett sighed. Exactly like a crazy person.
　　Bella was sleeping peacefully when I climbed up to her bedroom window early Mondaymorning. I’d remembered oil this time, and the window now moved silently out of myway.
　　I could tell by the way her hair lay smooth across the pillow that she’d had a lessrestless night than the last time I was here. She had her hands folded under her cheek likea small child, and her mouth was slightly open. I could hear her breath moving slowly inand out between her lips.
　　It was an amazing relief to be here, to be able to see her again. I realized that Iwasn’t truly at ease unless that was the case. Nothing was right when I was away fromher.
　　Not that all was right when I was with her, either, though. I sighed, letting thethirst fire rake through my throat. I’d been away from it too long. The time spentwithout pain and temptation made it all the more forceful now. It was bad enough that Iwas afraid to go kneel beside her bed so that I could read the titles of her books. I wantedto know the stories in her head, but I was afraid of more than my thirst, afraid that if I letmyself get that close to her, I would want to be closer still…  Her lips looked very soft and warm. I could imagine touching them with the tipof my finger. Just lightly…That was exactly the kind of mistake that I had to avoid.
　　My eyes ran over her face again and again, examining it for changes. Mortalschanged all the time—I was sad at the thought of missing anything…I thought she looked…tired. Like she hadn’t gotten enough sleep this weekend.
　　Had she gone out?
　　I laughed silently and wryly at how much that upset me. So what if she had? Ididn’t own her. She wasn’t mine.
　　No, she wasn’t mine—and I was sad again.
　　One of her hands twitched, and I noticed that there were shallow, barely healedscrapes across the heel of her palm. She’d been hurt? Even though it was obviously nota serious injury, it still disturbed me. I considered the location, and decided she musthave tripped. That seemed a reasonable explanation, all things considered.
　　It was comforting to think that I wouldn’t have to puzzle over either of thesesmall mysteries forever. We were friends now—or, at least, trying to be friends. I couldask her about her weekend—about the beach, and whatever late night activity had madeher look so weary. I could ask what had happened to her hands. And I could laugh alittle when she confirmed my theory about them.
　　I smiled gently as I wondered whether or not she had fallen in the ocean. Iwondered if she’d had a pleasant time on the outing. I wondered if she’d thought aboutme at all. If she’d missed me even the tiniest portion of the amount that I’d missed her.
　　I tried to picture her in the sun on the beach. The picture was incomplete, though,because I’d never been to First Beach myself. I only knew how it looked in pictures…I felt a tiny qualm of unease as I thought about the reason why I’d never oncebeen to the pretty beach located just a few minutes run from my home. Bella had spentthe day at La Push—a place where I was forbidden, by treaty, to go. A place where a fewold men still remembered the stories about the Cullens, remembered and believed them.
　　A place where our secret was known…I shook my head. I had nothing to worry about there. The Quileutes were boundby treaty, too. Even had Bella run into one of those aging sages, they could reveal  nothing. And why would the subject ever be broached? Why would Bella think to voiceher curiosity there? No—the Quileutes were perhaps the one thing I did not have toworry about.
　　I was angry with the sun when it began to rise. It reminded me that I could notsatisfy my curiosity for days to come. Why did it choose to shine now?
　　With a sigh, I ducked out her window before it was light enough for anyone to seeme here. I meant to stay in the thick forest by her house and see her off to school, butwhen I got into the trees, I was surprised to find the trace of her scent lingering on thetrail there.
　　I followed it quickly, curiously, becoming more and more worried as it led deeperinto the darkness. What had Bella been doing out here?
　　The trail stopped abruptly, in the middle of nowhere in particular. She’d gone justa few steps off the trail, into the ferns, where she’d touched the trunk of a fallen tree.
　　Perhaps sat there…I sat where she had, and looked around. All she would have been able to see wasferns and forest. It had probably been raining—the scent was washed out, having neverset deeply into the tree.
　　Why would Bella have come to sit here alone—and she had been alone, no doubtabout that—in the middle of the wet, murky forest?
　　It made no sense, and, unlike those other points of curiosity, I could hardly bringthis up in casual conversation.
　　So, Bella, I was following your scent through the woods after I left your roomwhere I’d been watching you sleep… Yes, that would be quite the ice breaker.
　　I would never know what she’d been thinking and doing here, and that had myteeth grinding together in frustration. Worse, this was far too much like the scenario I’dimagined for Emmett—Bella wandering alone in the woods, where her scent would callto anyone who had the senses to track it…I groaned. Not only did she have bad luck, but she courted it.
　　Well, for this moment she had a protector. I would watch over her, keep her fromharm, for as long as I could justify it.
　　  I suddenly found myself wishing that Peter and Charlotte would make anextended stay.　　第七章 旋律   我回到学校后，不得不待在车里等着。还没到放学时间。这很好，因为我需要一个人待一会儿，好好想一想。
　　她的气味还在车厢里萦绕不散。我把车窗关上，让这气味向我猛然袭来，努力去习惯我喉咙里的火焰带给我的感觉。
　　吸引力。
　　这个问题真的很难说清楚。它有那么多的侧面，有不同的含义和层次。吸引力跟爱不一样，可两者是紧密相连的。
　　我不清楚贝拉对我是否有吸引力。（她思想里的沉默会不会继续下去，令我越来沮丧，直至把我逼疯？还是说我最终会忍无可忍？）我试图将她的身体反应跟其他人比较，譬如那个秘书和杰西卡?史丹利，不过比较不出什么结论。那些相同的身体特征——心跳和呼吸频率的改变——能够被解读为感兴趣，同样也能够轻易地理解为恐惧、震惊或是焦虑。贝拉似乎不大可能会拥有像杰西卡?史丹利那样的想法。
　　毕竟，贝拉很清楚我身上的异样，纵然她还不知道那究竟是什么。她已经接触过我冰冷的皮肤，并因那股寒冷而猛地把手抽离。
　　可是……在我回想起那些我过去十分排斥的幻想时，我将贝拉放到了杰西卡的位置上。
　　我的呼吸变得更急促了，火焰从我的喉咙窜起，然后往下蔓延。
　　如果这是贝拉的想像，那又会怎么样？要是她想像我的手臂环抱住她纤弱的身体，要是她感觉到我把她拉进怀里，紧紧地靠在我的胸前，用我的手托起她的下巴呢？要是我把她那厚厚的长发从她红扑扑的脸蛋上拨开呢？要是我用我的指尖放在她丰满的唇瓣上，仔细描摹它的形状呢？要是我俯下脸靠近她的脸蛋，近到让我能感觉到她呼出来的热吹拂到我的唇上呢？
　　要是我越靠越近……但紧接着我就从这个白日梦中退缩了，我很清楚，一如当杰西卡在想像这些情景时一样，如果我那样靠近贝拉会发生什么事情。
　　吸引力真是叫人左右为难，因为我早就以最坏的方式被贝拉深深吸引住了。
　　我希望贝拉被我吸引吗，以一个女人对男人的方式？
　　这么问是错的。正确的问法是，我应该希望贝拉以那种方式被我吸引吗？答案是“不”。因为我不是人类，这对她不公平。
　　我全身上下的每一寸肌理都在渴望成为人类，这样我就能够把她抱在怀里，而不会让她冒生命危险。那样我就能尽情遐想，而这些想像不会以我的双手沾满她的鲜血、我的双眼被她的鲜血染得通红的可怕景象作为结局。
　　我对她的追求错得离谱，毫无辩护余地。我能给她哪种关系呢，当我连碰一碰她都是一种冒 险？
　　我把头埋进我的掌心。
　　我更迷惘了，因为在我整个人生当中，我从未感觉自己这么像一个人类——即使是在我还能回想起自己还是一个人类的时候。当我还是一个人类时，我当时所有的想法就是去当兵，那对我来说是一种荣耀。我的青春期几乎都在第一次世界大战中渡过，当西班牙流感爆发时，距离我十八岁生日只有九个月……我对那段人类岁月只有一些模糊的印象，而随着每一个十年的过去，那些模糊的记忆变得越来越遥远。我记得最清楚的是我的母亲，当我想起她的脸容时，我便感受到一阵古老的疼痛。我还能隐约回想起她对我迫不及待想要加入的未来是多么的痛恨，每天晚上在吃饭前，她都会祈祷那场“可怕的战争”能够结束……除了我母亲的爱之外，再也没有别的爱让我希望自己能继续做一个人类……这样的感觉对我而言完全是崭新的。我根本找不到类似的对照物。
　　我能充分感受到我对贝拉的爱，可横在我面前的是一片漆黑的海洋。我非常渴望能够去碰一碰她。她也会有跟我同样的想法吗？
　　那没什么要紧，我说服自己。
　　我盯着我苍白的双手，憎恨着他们的坚硬、他们的冰冷、他们的非人类的力量……    当乘客座位的门打开时，我被吓了一跳。
　　（哈，吓了你一跳。那还是头一回啊。）爱美特钻进位子，一边想道。“我敢打赌高尔夫人一定认为你跑去吸毒了，你最近都古古怪怪的。你今天去哪儿了？”
　　“我做好事去了。”
　　（啊？）我轻声笑道：“我照料病人去了，就是这么回事。”
　　这让他更糊涂了，不过紧接着他吸了一口气，发现了车厢中的气味。
　　“哦，又是那个女孩？”
　　我做了个鬼脸。
　　（真是越来越古怪了。）“说说看。”我咕哝了一声。
　　他又吸了一口气。“嗯，不过她味道还真不错，不是吗？”
　　在我还没有完全弄明白他这句话的意思之前，一声咆哮已经从我嘴里迸发出来，那完全是一种下意识的反应。
　　“放轻松，小子，我只是随便说说。”
　　然后，其他人到了。罗莎莉立刻就发现了那股气味并且怒目瞪视着我，她的火气还没消。我想知道她究竟有什么问题，不过我能从她那儿听到的都是辱骂。
　　我也不喜欢贾斯帕的反应。像爱美特一样，他也注意到了贝拉的吸引力。虽然她的血对他们俩的吸引力只有对我的千分之一。可她的血对他们来说香甜芬芳，这还是令我不安。贾斯帕的自控力可不怎么好……爱丽丝跳到我旁边的位子上，伸出手向我要贝拉卡车的钥匙。
　　“我只看见我要去干什么。”她含糊不清地说道，这是她的习惯。“不过你得告诉我理由。”
　　 “这并不意味着——”
　　“我知道，我知道，我会等的。反正也等不了多久。”
　　我叹了口气，把钥匙给她。
　　我跟随她去到贝拉家。雨哗哗地下着，雨声是如此响亮，贝拉那人类的耳朵大概听不见卡车雷鸣般的引擎声。我看着她的窗户，可她没有探出头来往外看。很可能她不在那儿。那里听不见任何想法。
　　爱丽丝爬进后座，我们加速开回家。路上没有什么车，我们只花了几分钟就到家了。我们进了屋，然后各自找乐子打发时间。
　　爱美特和贾斯帕正忙于一场精心制作的象棋比赛，利用八个连在一起的木制棋盘——棋盘挨着那堵玻璃墙一路铺开——他们自己制定出复杂的游戏规则。他们不会让我玩；除了爱丽丝，没有人肯跟我下象棋。
　　爱丽丝走向她的电脑，它们放在拐角处，我听见机器嗡嗡地发出声音运转起来。爱丽丝目前正致力于为罗莎莉设计她的全部衣服，不过罗莎莉今天没有加入她，平时她都会站在爱丽丝身后，当爱丽丝的手在可触式屏幕上描绘服装样式和颜色时提供指导意见。（由于那些屏幕大部分是感温的，卡莱尔和我不得不改动了一下程序）今天罗莎莉一脸阴沉地靠在沙发上，对着纯平电视一刻不停地在一秒钟内匆匆转过二十个台。我听见她正盘算着要不要去车库再次调试她的BMW。
　　爱斯梅在楼上，忙于一组新的设计图。
　　过了一会儿，爱丽丝把脑袋朝玻璃墙后探过去，用口型向贾斯帕透露爱美特下一步棋——爱美特坐在地板上，背对着她——于是贾斯帕不动声色地吃掉了爱美特的马。
　　而我呢，长久来还是第一次（这让我感到不好意思），走过去坐在那架精美的三角钢琴前，钢琴就摆放在入口通道前。
　　我的手轻柔地在琴键上练习指法，测试音调。音色依然很完美。
　　楼上，爱斯梅停下她手里的活，侧耳倾听。
　　我开始弹奏第一组曲调，就是今天在车子里浮现在我脑海中的旋律，让我高兴的是，它们听起来比我想像的更美。
　　（爱德华又开始弹琴了，）爱斯梅快活地想道，脸上绽开了笑容。她从书桌旁站起身，悄然掠到楼梯口。
　　我加入了和弦，让主旋律贯穿其中。
　　爱斯梅心满意足地叹息着，她在最上面一级楼梯上坐下来，把头探出栏杆。一支（新曲子。
　　这么久了。多美的曲子啊。）我把音乐导向一个新的方向，以低音伴奏。
　　（爱德华又再作曲了？）罗莎莉想道，恨得咬牙切齿。
　　就在那一瞬间，她疏忽了一下，让我看到她那深藏在心底的激愤。我总算弄明白她为什么那么生我气了。明白到为什么杀死伊莎贝拉?斯旺不会让她良心上过意不去。
　　罗莎莉总是那么虚荣。
　　音乐猛地打住，我还没来得及忍住，就笑了出来，我连忙用手捂住嘴，可还是让笑声漏了出 来。
　　罗莎莉转而怒目瞪视着我，懊恼加暴怒让她眼睛里迸射出火花。
　　爱美特和贾斯帕也转而盯着我，我听到爱美特被弄糊涂了。爱斯梅瞬间移动到楼下，眼睛在我和罗莎莉之间扫来扫去。
　　“别停，爱德华。”在一瞬间的紧张过后，爱斯梅鼓励我说。
　　我又开始弹奏起来，我转身背对着罗莎莉，竭力想要控制自己别咧开嘴笑，可我的脸已经拉长了。她站起身，大步走出房间，愤怒多于尴尬。可无疑她感到十分尴尬。
　　（你要是敢说一个字，我就跟你没完！）我憋住另一阵笑。
　　“怎么啦，罗斯？”爱美特在后面叫她。罗莎莉没有回头。她背脊僵硬地径直走向车库，然后扭动着身躯钻到车子底下，好像巴不得把自己埋在那儿。
　　“发生什么事啦？”爱美特问我。
　　“我也摸不着头脑。”我撒了个谎。
　　爱美特咕哝了一声，感到沮丧。
　　“接着弹呀。”爱斯梅鼓动我。我的手又停下来了。
　　这支曲子很迷人，但还没有完成。我漫不经心地把玩着那几段旋律，可不知怎的总感觉不满意。
　　“太美啦。它有名字吗？”爱斯梅问道。
　　“还没有。”我将几组旋律编排好。于是，它们便如行云流水一般从我指下滑出，仿佛拥有了自己的生命力一样。
　　“这里面有什么故事吗？”她问道，语气里含着笑意。这支曲子给她带来极大的快乐，我感到负疚，我很久都没有弹琴了。那太自私了。
　　“它是一支摇篮曲，我想。”
　　“一支摇篮曲。”她重复这句话。
　　这曲子有一个故事，这个故事是关于一个沉睡的女孩躺在一张小床上，她那浓密的黑发犹如海藻一般，卷曲地披散在枕头上。
　　爱丽丝让贾斯帕自己去玩，走过来挨着我坐在长凳上，用她那迷人的女高音哼唱，她的声音比曲调高了八度。
　　“我挺喜欢的。”我低声道。“不过这个怎么样？”
　　我的十指在键盘上飞舞，把全部片段连起来——稍微修改了一下，让它呈现出一种新的曲风……她把握住了这种情感，和着音乐唱起来。
　　“是的。完美极了。”我说道。
　　爱斯梅亲切地拥住我的肩膀。
　　可我现在能看见这首曲子的结尾了，随着爱丽丝将歌声拔高到琴声之上，将旋律引向另一个方向。我能看到这首曲子最终的必然结局，因为那个沉睡的女孩是那样安详、甜美，任何改变对她而言都是一种错误，是一种悲伤。当我意识到这一点时，琴声也随之慢下来，变得低沉。爱丽丝的声音也低沉下来，变得庄严肃穆，更像是在教堂烛光前庄严圣歌的回音。
　　我弹下最后一个音符，然后俯下头，伏在键盘上。
　　爱斯梅轻轻抚摸着我的头发。（一切都会好起来的，爱德华。事情一定会有一个完美结局。你理应得到幸福，爱德华。这是命运亏欠你的。）“谢谢。”我低声说，我也希望自己能够相信她的话。
　　（爱情总不会一帆风顺。）我笑了，却不感到幽默。
　　 （你呀，是这世上最出类拔萃的人，你一定能够解决这个难题。在我们所有人里，你最优秀，最聪明。）我叹了口气。所有母亲都是这么看自己儿子的。
　　爱斯梅依然满心欢喜，这么久以来，我终于心动了，不管这将导致怎样的悲剧。她还以为我会一直孤身一人……（她一定也会爱上你的，）她突然涌起这样的念头，她的想法让我感到惊讶。（如果她是一个聪明的女孩，）她微笑着，（我可想像不出还有谁会这么迟钝，竟然能不被你吸引。）“别说了，妈妈，你让我脸红了。”我开玩笑地说。她的话，虽然不大可能，还是让我为之精神一振。
　　爱丽丝笑了，弹出了“全心全意”这首曲子的开头。我莞尔一笑，跟她一块弹奏。为了哄她开心，我接着又给她弹了一首“筷子”。
　　她咯咯一笑，然后叹了口气。“我真希望你能告诉我你刚才为什么笑罗莎莉？”爱丽丝问道。
　　“可我看得出来你是不会说的。”
　　“对。”
　　她用手指轻弹我的耳朵。
　　“好啦，爱丽丝。”爱斯梅责备她。“爱德华想做一名绅士。”
　　“可我想弄清楚啊。”
　　然后我说道，“听听这个，爱斯梅。”我开始弹奏她最喜欢的那首曲子，这首曲子没有名字，那是我在多年以前为她和卡莱尔之间的爱情而写下的一首颂歌。
　　“谢谢你，亲爱的。”她再次拥住我的肩膀。
　　我并没有把心思放在这首熟悉的曲子上。我想起了罗莎莉，她这会儿还在车子底下扭动着身躯，简直像羞愧欲死一样，我暗暗好笑。
　　我刚刚才体验到妒忌的力量，这让我多少有点同情她了。这种感觉很不愉快。当然喽，她的妒忌要比我的小气得多。就跟那只吃不了葡萄的狐狸一样。
　　我想知道，如果罗莎莉不是那个永远最美的人，她的人生和性格又会有怎样的不同。如果美丽不是她一直以来的优势，那她会不会变得更快乐一点呢？变得没那么以自我为中心？多一点同情心？唉，我猜这么想是没有意义的，因为过去的已经过去了，而且她将永远是最美丽的那一个。即使还是身为人类时，她也总是生活在聚光灯下。她一点儿也不介意这样的生活。
　　相反——她喜欢人们的赞美，超过其他所有一切。这点并不因为她获得永生而改变。
　　那样看来，这也就顺理成章了，她以为所有男性都会为她的美丽而倾倒，可我却从一开始就没有这样，这便大大地冒犯了她。这并不是说她想要我——她根本没这意思。尽管如此，我不想要她这一点还是让她非常恼火。她太习惯人家要她啦。
　　卡莱尔和贾斯帕却不同——他们都已经各有所爱。我则从来没有动过心，可依然对她的美丽不为所动，而且一直顽固不化。
　　我还以为这股古老的怨恨已经被埋葬。过了那么久，她已经忘怀了。
　　她本来是不再耿耿于怀了……直到某天我终于被某个人的美丽打动，而这一点她却没能做到。
　　罗莎莉一直坚信，如果我没有被她的美丽所倾倒，那么这世上肯定再也没有别的美丽可以打 动我。从我救下贝拉那一刻起，她就勃然大怒，她猜到了，凭着她敏锐的女性直觉，我对贝拉产生了兴趣，而这点当时连我自己都没意识到。
　　对罗莎莉来说，我居然觉得某个毫无价值的人类女孩比她更有吸引力，这简直是不共戴天之仇。
　　我强压下了另一阵大笑。
　　不过，她看贝拉的方式，多少让我恼火。罗莎莉真的认为那个女孩很普通。她怎么能那么想呢？这对我来说是难以理解的。肯定是因为嫉妒，毫无疑问。
　　“哦，”爱丽丝唐突地说，“贾斯帕，猜猜看发生了什么事？”
　　我看见了她刚刚预见到的事，我的手在键盘上僵住了。
　　“什么事，爱丽丝？”贾斯帕问道。
　　“彼特和夏洛特下星期会来这里。他们会到这儿附近来，真是太好了。”
　　“怎么啦，爱德华？”爱斯梅问道，感觉到了我肩膀的紧张。
　　“彼特和夏洛特要来福克斯？”我冲爱丽丝嘘声道。
　　她转动着眼睛看着我。“冷静点儿，爱德华。他们又不是第一次来。”
　　我咬紧牙齿。自从贝拉来到福克斯后，他们这是第一次来，而且她的血并不只是对我有吸引力。
　　爱丽丝冲我的表情皱眉。“他们从不在这儿捕猎。你是知道的。”
　　可那位跟贾斯帕勉强算是兄弟之交的家伙，还有他所爱的那个小吸血鬼可不像我们；他们像一般吸血鬼那样捕猎。让他们出现在贝拉周围，我可不放心。
　　“什么时候？”我想要知道。
　　她不悦地嘟起嘴，可还是告诉我我需要获悉的东西。（星期一早上。没有人会伤害贝拉的。）“是的。”我表示同意，然后转身背对她。“你准备好了吗，爱美特？”
　　“我还以为我们明天早上才出发呢。”
　　“我们要在星期天的午夜回来。
　　“噢，那好吧。我要先跟罗斯告别。”
　　“当然。”就罗莎莉现在的心情推算，那将是一个短暂的告别。
　　（你真的是丧失理智啦，爱德华。）他边想边走向后门。
　　“我猜也是。”
　　“再给我弹一次那首新曲子吧。”爱斯梅请求。
　　“只要你喜欢。”我同意了，然而我有那么一点迟疑，我将不得不弹到曲子的结尾部分——那个结尾带给我一种陌生的心痛。我出了一会儿神，然后从口袋里掏出那只瓶盖，把它放在空荡荡的乐谱架上。这多少可以慰藉我的痛苦——一个小小的纪念品，纪念她对我说“好的”。
　　我冲自己点点头，然后开始弹奏。
　　爱斯梅和爱丽丝交换了一个眼神，可都没有开口问。
　　“难道没有人告诉过你别玩弄自己的食物吗？”我冲爱美特喊。
　　“哦，嘿爱德华！”他转身朝我大喊，咧开嘴笑着，一边向我挥手。尖锐的熊爪划破了他的衬衫，在划过他皮肤时发出尖利的响声。
　　 （噢该死的，这件衬衫可是罗斯给我的。）爱美特冲着那头暴怒的猛兽大吼一声。
　　我叹了口气，坐在附近一块巨大岩石上。这可能还要花上一些时间。
　　可爱美特快完事了。那只黑熊吼叫着，爱美特笑着吼回它。然后他们一起倒在地上，纠缠在一起，把一棵大云杉压倒在身下。那只黑熊的咆哮声戛然而止，变为鲜血汩汩流出的声音。
　　几分钟过后，爱美特慢跑着来到我等他的地方。他的衬衫全毁了，撕成破布，沾满血迹、树液和黑熊的毛皮。他的黑色鬈发乱蓬蓬的，乐得嘴都合不拢。
　　“这只很强壮。当它抓过来时我能感觉到。”
　　“你太孩子气了，爱美特。”
　　他看向我那整整齐齐、干干净净的白色领口。“那么，你捕到美洲狮了吗？”
　　“我当然捕到了，我只是不想吃得像个野蛮人。”
　　爱美特哈哈大笑。“我希望它们能更强壮一些。这会更好玩。”
　　“没人说过你得和自己的食物作战。”
　　“是啊，可我还能跟谁作战呢？你和爱丽丝都爱骗人，罗莎莉从来不想把头发弄乱，还有，如果我和贾斯帕真的打起来的话，爱斯梅会疯掉。”
　　“生活总不能事事顺心，不是吗？”
　　爱美特冲我露齿一笑，改变了身体的重心，好让自己能在突然发起的进攻中占据有利形势。
　　“得了吧，爱德华。就把你的耳朵堵上一分钟，跟我来场公平战斗。”
　　“它没法堵上。”我提醒他。
　　“真想知道那个女孩是用什么办法把你挡住的？”爱美特沉吟道，“也许她能给我点提示。”
　　我的好心情突然不见了。“离她远点。”我从牙缝里咆哮。
　　“别生气，别生气嘛。”
　　我叹了口气。爱美特走过来，一起跟我坐在岩石上。
　　“对不起。我知道你眼下很不好过。我真的不想硬逼你动手，不过，谁叫我生性就是如此迟钝呢……”
　　他等着我对他的玩笑报以一笑，然后做了个鬼脸。
　　（老是那么严肃。你现在正烦恼什么？）“我在想她。噢，实际上是在担心。”
　　“那儿有什么好担心的？你人在这儿呢。”他大声笑出来。
　　我又对他的玩笑置之不理，不过回答了他的问题。“你曾经想过他们这些人类有多么脆弱吗？
　　想过在一个凡人身上会发生多少坏事吗？”
　　“我还真没想过。不过，我想我明白你的意思了。当我第一次遇到那只熊时，我根本就不是它的对手，你是指这类事情吗？”
　　“熊？”我咕哝了一声，往自己担心的一大堆事情上又添了一项。“她可能就会这么倒霉，不是吗？走失的熊来到镇上。当然它有可能会直奔贝拉那儿。”
　　爱美特轻声地笑。“你听起来就像个疯子，你自己知道吗？”
　　“想像一下罗莎莉是一个人类，哪怕是一分钟，爱美特。她可能会突然遇到一只熊……或者 被车撞到了……或者从楼梯上摔下来……或者生病了——得了一场重病！”这些话像暴雨一般噼里啪啦从我嘴里迸发出来。把它们说出来让我心里舒服了一些——整个周末它们都闷在我肚子里，快闷出病来了。“还有火灾、地震和龙卷风！你最后一次看新闻是在什么时候？你看见发生在他们身上种种坏事吗？入屋行窃、谋财害命……”我把牙齿咬得格格响，一想到其他人会伤害到她，我就怒气冲天，几乎无法呼吸。
　　“哇哇，打住，小子！她住在福克斯，还记得吗？她顶多就是被雨淋到罢了。”他耸耸肩。
　　“我认为她的运气很坏，爱美特，我真的这么认为。看看这些证据吧。她什么地方不好去，偏偏要到这儿来，到这个住着一群吸血鬼的地方来。”
　　“这倒也是，不过我们是吃素的。所以那应该是好运，而不是坏运气吧？”
　　“那她的气味呢？绝对是坏运气了吧。还有，更糟糕的是她的气味对我的吸引力。”我怒视着自己的双手，又憎恨起它们来。
　　“只可惜除了卡莱尔以外，你算是最有自控力的一个啦。还是好运气。”
　　“那辆货车呢？”
　　“那只是一次意外。”
　　“你应该看一看它向她撞过去的情景，噢，简直是一次又一次。我可以发誓，她就像一块磁铁似的把货车吸过去。”
　　“可当时你在那儿。那就是好运气。”
　　“这也算好运？这难道不是一个人类可能遇到的最坏的运气吗——被一个吸血鬼爱上了？”
　　爱美特静静地考虑了这个问题好一会儿。他在脑子里描绘那个女孩的样子，对她索然无趣。
　　（老实说，我真没看出她有什么吸引力。）“哦，我也看不出罗莎莉有什么魅力。”我粗鲁地说。“实话说吧，她好像太过注重外表的美丽啦。”
　　爱美特轻声地笑。“我猜不出你想告诉我……”
　　“我不知道她刚才是怎么回事，爱美特。”我突然咧开嘴大笑，撒谎道。
　　我及时看穿他的意图，并且把自己稳住。他企图把我从岩石上推开，“喇”一阵响声过后，我俩中间的岩石裂开了一条缝。
　　“骗子。”他咕哝了一声。
　　我等着他再试一次，可他想到另一件事情上了。他又在脑子里描绘贝拉的脸庞，不过这次他想像那张脸庞变成苍白，想像她的眼睛变成了鲜红色……“不。”我说道，我的语气就像要窒息一般。
　　“这么一来，你就可以不必担心她会死了，不是吗？而且你也不想杀死她。这不是最好的解决办法吗？”
　　“是为了我？还是为了她？”
　　“是为了你。”他轻而易举地就答道，一副理所当然的语气。
　　我笑了，却一脸严肃。“这是个错误的答案。”
　　“我可不怎么在乎。”他提醒我。
　　“罗莎莉在乎。”
　　 他叹了口气。我和他都清楚，如果罗莎莉能够再次做回人类，她会不惜一切，放弃一切。甚至包括爱美特。
　　“是啊，罗莎莉在乎。”他平静地说道，勉强同意。
　　“我不能……我不该……我不想毁了贝拉的一生。如果换作是罗莎莉，你会不会也有同样的感受？”
　　爱美特想了好一会儿。（你真的……爱她？）“我也说不清楚，爱美特。一切都来得那么突然，这个女孩就是我的全部。如果没有她，这世界对我来说将失去意义。”
　　（可你不想改变她。她不可能永远活着，爱德华。）“这我知道。”我呻吟道。
　　（还有，正如你所说，她很脆弱。）“相信我，这点我很清楚。”
　　爱美特不太精于人情世故，而且这么纤细的讨论可不是他的强项。他这会儿正奋力想（你有没有碰过她？我的意思是，如果你爱她，你不会想要……嗯…碰她吗？）爱美特和罗莎莉尽情地享受俩人的鱼水之欢。他很难理解一个人怎么能够相爱却没有那方面的接触。
　　我叹了口气。“这点我连想都不敢想，爱美特。”
　　我叹了口气。“这点我连想都不敢想，爱美特。”
　　（哇噢，那你还有什么可以选择的？）“我不知道。”我嘀咕道。“我正极力找出一个办法去……离开她。我只是不知道怎么样才可以让自己离得开……”
　　我突然意识到这是可以让我留下来的理由——至少眼下是，因为皮特和夏洛特要到这里来。
　　暂时来说，她跟我在一起会更安全一点。目前，我是她的保护者。
　　这种想法让我焦躁起来。我浑身直痒痒，恨不得立刻赶回去，让自己担当好这个保护者的角色，只要可能，我希望能一直担当下去。
　　爱美特注意到了我表情的变化。（你在想什么？）“现在，”我有点羞怯地承认。“我很想回福克斯看看她是否平安。我不知道自己能不能等到周六晚上。”
　　“喔喔！你不能这么早回去。让罗莎莉稍微冷静一下吧。求你了，就算是为了我。”
　　“我会试着留下来的。”我不无怀疑地说。
　　爱美特轻轻拍了拍我口袋里的移动电话。“如果发生了什么让你担心的事，爱丽丝会打电话来的。她对这女孩的态度跟你一样古怪。”
　　我冲他做了个鬼脸。“好吧。不过我不会留到星期天。”
　　“根本没理由急着回去——不管怎么说，那天是个大晴天。爱丽丝说过我们要等到星期三才能回学校去。”
　　我强硬地摇头。
　　“皮特和夏洛特会规规矩矩的。”
　　 “我不在乎他们守不守规矩，爱美特。以贝拉的坏运气，她很可能会在错误的时间里刚好在森林里迷路了，还有——”我畏缩了。“我们都知道，皮特可没什么自控力。我星期天就回去。”
　　爱美特叹了口气。（简直像个疯子一样。）在星期一的清晨，当我爬到贝拉卧室窗户外面时，她正安祥地睡着。这回我记得带上油了，窗户在我面前悄无声息地被推开。
　　她把两手叠放在胸前，就像一个孩子，嘴唇微微张开。我能听见她唇边一吸一吐的缓慢的呼吸声。
　　待在这儿，能再次见到她，竟然如此轻松，令我惊异。我意识到只有看见这幅景象，我才能真正感到轻松自在。而当我不在她身边时，一切都不对劲。
　　然而，这并不意味着当我和她在一起时，一切都会平安无事。我叹了口气，让那干渴的火苗窜过我的喉咙。我离开她太久了。
Chapter 8 Ghost
I did not see much of Jasper’s guests for the two sunny days that they were in Forks. Ionly went home at all so that Esme wouldn’t worry. Otherwise, my existence seemedmore like that of a specter than a vampire. I hovered, invisible in the shadows, where Icould follow the object of my love and obsession—where I could see her and hear her inthe minds of the lucky humans who could walk through the sunlight beside her,sometimes accidentally brushing the back of her hand with their own. She never reactedto such contact; their hands were just as warm as hers.
　　The enforced absence from school had never been a trial like this before. But thesun seemed to make her happy, so I could not resent it too much. Anything that pleasedher was in my good graces.
　　Monday morning, I eavesdropped on a conversation that had the potential todestroy my confidence and make the time spent away from her a torture. As it ended up,though, it rather made my day.
　　I had to feel some little respect for Mike Newton; he had not simply given up andslunk away to nurse his wounds. He had more bravery than I’d given him credit for. Hewas going to try again.
　　Bella got to school quite early and, seeming intent on enjoying the sun while itlasted, sat at one of the seldom used picnic benches while she waited for the first bell toring. Her hair caught the sun in unexpected ways, giving off a reddish shine that I hadnot anticipated.
　　Mike found her there, doodling again, and was thrilled at his good luck.
　　It was agonizing to only be able to watch, powerless, bound to the forest’sshadows by the bright sunlight.
　　She greeted him with enough enthusiasm to make him ecstatic, and me theopposite.
　　See, she likes me. She wouldn’t smile like that if she didn’t. I bet she wanted togo to the dance with me. Wonder what’s so important in Seattle…    He perceived the change in her hair. “I never noticed before—your hair has red init.”
　　I accidentally uprooted the young spruce tree my hand was resting on when hepinched a strand of her hair between his fingers.
　　“Only in the sun,” she said. To my deep satisfaction, she cringed away from himslightly when he tucked the strand behind her ear.
　　It took Mike a minute to build up his courage, wasting some time on small talk.
　　She reminded him of the essay we all had due on Wednesday. From the faintlysmug expression on her face, hers was already done. He’d forgotten altogether, and thatseverely diminished his free time.
　　Dang—stupid essay.
　　Finally he got to the point—my teeth were clenched so hard they could havepulverized granite—and even then, he couldn’t make himself ask the question outright.
　　“I was going to ask if you wanted to go out.”
　　“Oh,” she said.
　　There was a brief silence.
　　Oh? What does that mean? Is she going to yes? Wait—I guess I didn’t reallyask.
　　He swallowed hard.
　　“Well, we could go to dinner or something…and I could work on it later.”
　　Stupid—that wasn’t a question either.
　　“Mike…”
　　The agony and fury of my jealousy was every whit as powerful as it had been lastweek. I broke another tree trying to hold myself here. I wanted so badly to race acrossthe campus, too fast for human eyes, and snatch her up—to steal her away from the boythat I hated so much in this moment I could have kill him and enjoyed it.
　　Would she say yes to him?
　　“I don’t think that would be the best idea.”
　　I breathed again. My rigid body relaxed.
　　Seattle was just an excuse, after all. Shouldn’t have asked. What was I thinking?
　　Bet it’s that freak, Cullen…  “Why?” he asked sullenly.
　　“I think…” she hesitated. “And if you ever repeat what I’m saying right now Iwill cheerfully beat you to death—”
　　I laughed out loud at the sound of a death threat coming through her lips. A jayshrieked, startled, and launched itself away from me.
　　“But I think that would hurt Jessica’s feelings.”
　　“Jessica?” What? But… Oh. Okay. I guess… So… Huh.
　　His thoughts were no longer coherent.
　　“Really, Mike, are you blind?”
　　I echoed her sentiment. She shouldn’t expect everyone to be as perceptive as shewas, but really this instance was beyond obvious. With as much trouble as Mike had hadworking himself up to ask Bella out, did he imagine it wasn’t just as difficult for Jessica?
　　It must be selfishness that made him blind to others. And Bella was so unselfish, she saweverything.
　　Jessica. Huh. Wow. Huh. “Oh,” he managed to say.
　　Bella used his confusion to make her exit.
　　“It’s time for class, and I can’t be late again.”
　　Mike became an unreliable viewpoint from then on. He found, as he turned theidea of Jessica around and around in his head, that he rather liked the thought of herfinding him attractive. It was second place, not as good as if Bella had felt that way.
　　She’s cute, though, I guess. Decent body. A bird in the hand…He was off then, on to new fantasies that were just as vulgar as the ones aboutBella, but now they only irritated rather than infuriated. How little he deserved eithergirl; they were almost interchangeable to him. I stayed clear of his head after that.
　　When she was out of sight, I curled up against the cool trunk of an enormousmadrone tree and I danced from mind to mind, keeping her in sight, always glad whenAngela Weber was available to look through. I wished there was someway to thank theWeber girl for simply being a nice person. It made me feel better to think that Bella hadone friend worth having.
　　I watched Bella’s face from whichever angle I was given, and I could see that shewas sad again. This surprised me—I thought the sun would be enough to keep her.   smiling. At lunch, I saw her glance time and time again toward the empty Cullen table,and that thrilled me. It gave me hope. Perhaps she missed me, too.
　　She had plans to go out with the other girls—I automatically planned my ownsurveillance—but these plans were postponed when Mike invited Jessica out on the datehe’d planned for Bella.
　　So I went straight to her home instead, doing a quick sweep of the woods to makesure no one dangerous had wandered too close. I knew Jasper had warned his one-timebrother to avoid the town—citing my insanity as both explanation and warning—but Iwasn’t taking any chances. Peter and Charlotte had no intention of causing animositywith my family, but intentions were changeable things…All right, I was overdoing it. I knew that.
　　As if she knew I was watching, as if she took pity on the agony I felt when Icouldn’t see her, Bella came out to the backyard after a long hour indoors. She had abook in her hand and a blanket under her arm.
　　Silently, I climbed into the higher branches of the closest tree overlooking theyard.
　　She spread the blanket on the damp grass and then lay on her stomach and startedflipping through the worn book, as if trying to find her place. I read over her shoulder.
　　Ah—more classics. She was an Austen fan.
　　She read quickly, crossing and recrossing her ankles in the air. I was watchingthe sunlight and wind play in her hair when her body suddenly stiffened, and her handfroze on the page. All I saw was that she’d reached chapter three when she roughlygrabbed a thick section of pages and shoved them over.
　　I caught a glance of a title page, Mansfield Park. She was starting a new story—the book was a compilation of novels. I wondered why she’d switched stories soabruptly.
　　Just a few moments later, she slammed the book angrily shut. With a fierce scowlon her face, she pushed the book aside and flipped over onto her back. She took a deepbreath, as if to calm herself, pushed her sleeves up and closed her eyes. I remembered thenovel, but I couldn’t think of anything offensive in it to upset her. Another mystery. Isighed.
　　  She lay very still, moving just once to yank her hair away from her face. Itfanned out over her head, a river of chestnut. And then she was motionless again.
　　Her breathing slowed. After several long minutes her lips began to tremble.
　　Mumbling in her sleep.
　　Impossible to resist. I listened as far out as I could, catching voices in the housesnearby.
　　Two tablespoons of flour…one cup of milk…C’mon! Get it through the hoop! Aw, c’mon!
　　Red, or blue…or maybe I should wear something more casual…There was no one close by. I jumped to the ground, landing silently on my toes.
　　This was very wrong, very risky. How condescendingly I’d once judged Emmettfor his thoughtless ways and Jasper for his lack of discipline—and now I was consciouslyflouting all the rules with a wild abandon that made their lapses look like nothing at all. Iused to be the responsible one.
　　I sighed, but crept out into the sunshine, regardless.
　　I avoided looking at myself in the sun’s glare. It was bad enough that my skinwas stone and inhuman in shadow; I didn’t want to look at Bella and myself side by sidein the sunlight. The difference between us was already insurmountable, painful enoughwithout this image also in my head.
　　But I couldn’t ignore the rainbow sparkles that reflected onto her skin when I gotcloser. My jaw locked at the sight. Could I be any more of a freak? I imagined herterror if she opened her eyes now…I started to retreat, but she mumbled again, holding me there.
　　“Mmm… Mmm.”
　　Nothing intelligible. Well, I would wait for a bit.
　　I carefully stole her book, stretching my arm out and holding my breath while Iwas close, just in case. I started breathing again when I was a few yards away, tasting theway the sunshine and open air affected her scent. The heat seemed to sweeten the smell.
　　My throat flamed with desire, the fire fresh and fierce again because I had been awayfrom her for too long.
　　  I spent a moment controlling that, and then—forcing myself to breathe throughmy nose—I let her book fall open in my hands. She’d started with the first book… Iflipped through the pages quickly to the third chapter of Sense and Sensibility, searchingfor something potentially offensive in Austen’s overly polite prose.
　　When my eyes stopped automatically at my name—the character Edward Ferrarsbeing introduced for the first time—Bella spoke again.
　　“Mmm. Edward.” She sighed.
　　This time I did not fear that she had awoken. Her voice was just a low, wistfulmurmur. Not the scream of fear it would have been if she’d seen me now.
　　Joy warred with self-loathing. She was still dreaming of me, at least.
　　“Edmund. Ahh. Too….close…”
　　Edmund?
　　Ha! She wasn’t dreaming of me at all, I realized blackly. The self-loathingreturned in force. She was dreaming of fictional characters. So much for my conceit.
　　I replaced her book, and stole back into the cover of the shadows—where Ibelonged.
　　The afternoon passed and I watched, feeling helpless again, as the sun slowlysank in the sky and the shadows crawled across the lawn toward her. I wanted to pushthem back, but the darkness was inevitable; the shadows took her. When the light wasgone, her skin looked too pale—ghostly. Her hair was dark again, almost black againsther face.
　　It was a frightening thing to watch—like witnessing Alice’s visions come tofruition. Bella’s steady, strong heartbeat was the only reassurance, the sound that keptthis moment from feeling like a nightmare.
　　I was relieved when her father arrived home.
　　I could hear little from him as he drove down the street toward the house. Somevague annoyance…in the past, something from his day at work. Expectation mixed withhunger—I guessed that he was looking forward to dinner. But his thoughts were so quietand contained that I could not be sure I was right; I only got the gist of them.
　　I wondered what her mother sounded like—what the genetic combination hadbeen that had formed her so uniquely.
　　  Bella started awake, jerking up to a sitting position when the tires of her father’scar hit the brick driveway. She stared around herself, seeming confused by theunexpected darkness. For one brief moment, her eyes touched the shadows where I hid,but they flickered quickly away.
　　“Charlie?” she asked in a low voice, still peering into the trees surrounding thesmall yard.
　　The door of his car slammed shut, and she looked to the sound. She got to herfeet quickly and gathered her things, casting one more look back toward the woods.
　　I moved into a tree closer to the back window near the small kitchen, and listenedto their evening. It was interesting to compare Charlie’s words to his muffled thoughts.
　　His love and concern for his only daughter were nearly overwhelming, and yet his wordswere always terse and casual. Most of the time, they sat in companionable silence.
　　I heard her discuss her plans for the following evening in Port Angeles, and Irefined my own plans as I listened. Jasper had not warned Peter and Charlotte to stayclear of Port Angeles. Though I knew that they had fed recently and had no intention ofhunting any where in the vicinity of our home, I would watch her, just in case. After all,there were always others of my kind out there. And then, all those human dangers that Ihad never much considered before now.
　　I heard her worry aloud about leaving her father to prepare dinner alone, andsmiled at this proof to my theory—yes, she was a care-taker.
　　And then I left, knowing I would return when she was asleep.
　　I would not trespass on her privacy the way the peeping tom would have. I washere for her protection, not to leer at her in the way Mike Newton no doubt would, werehe agile enough to move through the treetops the way I could. I would not treat her socrassly.
　　My house was empty when I returned, which was fine by me. I didn’t miss theconfused or disparaging thoughts, questioning my sanity. Emmett had left a note stuck tothe newel post.
　　Football at the Rainier field—c’mon! Please?
　　I found a pen and scrawled the word sorry beneath his plea. The teams were evenwithout me, in any case.
　　  I went for the shortest of hunting trips, contenting myself with the smaller, gentlercreatures that did not taste as good as the hunters, and then changed into fresh clothesbefore I ran back to Forks.
　　Bella did not sleep as well tonight. She thrashed in her blankets, her facesometimes worried, sometimes sad. I wondered what nightmare haunted her…and thenrealized that perhaps I really didn’t want to know.
　　When she spoke, she mostly muttered derogatory things about Forks in a glumvoice. Only once, when she sighed out the words “Come back” and her hand twitchedopen—a wordless plea—did I have a chance to hope she might be dreaming of me.
　　The next day of school, the last day the sun would hold me prisoner, was muchthe same as the day before. Bella seemed even gloomier than yesterday, and I wonderedif she would bow out of her plans—she didn’t seem in the mood.
　　But, being Bella, she would probably put her friends’ enjoyment above that of herown.
　　She wore a deep blue blouse today, and the color set her skin off perfectly,making it look like fresh cream.
　　School ended, and Jessica agreed to pick the other girls up—Angela was going,too, for which I was grateful.
　　I went home to get my car. When I found that Peter and Charlotte were there, Idecided could afford to give the girls an hour or so for a head start. I would never be ableto bear following behind them, driving at the speed limit—hideous thought.
　　I came in through the kitchen, nodding vaguely at Emmett’s and Esme’s greetingsas I passed by everyone in the front room and went straight to the piano.
　　Ugh, he’s back. Rosalie, of course.
　　Ah, Edward. I hate to see him suffering so. Esme’s joy was becoming marred byconcern. She should be concerned. This love story she envisioned for me was careeningtoward a tragedy more perceptibly every moment.
　　Have fun in Port Angeles tonight, Alice thought cheerfully. Let me know whenI’m allowed to talk to Bella.
　　You’re pathetic. I can’t believe you missed the game last night just to watchsomebody sleep, Emmett grumbled.
　　  Jasper paid me no mind, even when the song I played came out a little morestormily than I’d intended. It was an old song, with a familiar theme: impatience. Jasperwas saying goodbye to his friends, who eyed me curiously.
　　What a strange creature, the Alice-sized, white-blond Charlotte was thinking.
　　And he was so normal and pleasant the last time we met.
　　Peter’s thoughts were in sync with hers, as was usually the case.
　　It must be the animals. The lack of human blood drives them mad eventually, hewas concluding. His hair was just as fair as hers, and almost as long. They were verysimilar—except for size, as he was almost as tall as Jasper—in both look and thought. Awell matched pair, I’d always thought.
　　Everyone but Esme stopped thinking about me after a moment, and I played inmore subdued tones so that I would not attract notice.
　　I did not pay attention to them for a long while, just letting the music distract mefrom my unease. It was hard to have the girl out of sight and mind. I only returned myattention to their conversation when the goodbyes grew more final.
　　“If you see Maria again,” Jasper was saying, a little warily, “tell her I wish herwell.”
　　Maria was the vampire who had created both Jasper and Peter—Jasper in thelatter half of the nineteenth century, Peter more recently, in the nineteen forties. She’dlooked Jasper up once when we were in Calgary. It had been an eventful visit—we’d hadto move immediately. Jasper had politely asked her to keep her distance in the future.
　　“I don’t imagine that will happen soon,” Peter said with a laugh—Maria wasundeniable dangerous and there was not much love lost between her and Peter. Peterhad, after all, been instrumental in Jasper’s defection. Jasper had always been Maria’sfavorite; she considered it a minor detail that she had once planned to kill him. “But,should it happen, I certainly will.”
　　They were shaking hands then, preparing to depart. I let the song I was playingtrail off to an unsatisfying end, and got hastily to my feet.
　　“Charlotte, Peter,” I said, nodding.
　　“It was nice to see you again, Edward,” Charlotte said doubtfully. Peter justnodded in return.
　　  Madman, Emmett threw after me.
　　Idiot, Rosalie thought at the same time.
　　Poor boy. Esme.
　　And Alice, in a chiding tone. They’re going straight east, to Seattle. No wherenear Port Angeles. She showed me the proof in her visions.
　　I pretended I hadn’t heard that. My excuses were already flimsy enough.
　　Once in my car, I felt more relaxed; the robust purr of the engine Rosalie hadboosted for me—last year, when she was in a better mood—was soothing. It was a reliefto be in motion, to know that I was getting closer to Bella with every mile that flew awayunder my tires.　　第八章 幽灵
  我没怎么见过贾斯帕那两个客人，因为在他们逗留福克斯的两天里都是晴天。我只能回家去，这样爱斯梅就不会担心我了。要不然，我就会活得像个幽灵而不像吸血鬼了。我徘徊在人们看不见的阴暗角落里，在那儿我能一直追踪着我所热爱、牵挂的对象——在那儿，我能透过某个有幸能在阳光下走在她身旁的人的思想，看见她、听见她，偶然这些人会不经意地碰上她的手，她从不会为这种接触产生反应，他们的手和她的手一样温暖。
　　不能去上学从来没有像现在这样令人讨厌。但阳光似乎让她感到快活，所以我也没有因此感到太愤怒。我感谢一切令她感到快乐的事物。
　　一场星期一早上偷听来的对话可能会把我的自信摧毁，同时也让离开她的这段时间变成一种折磨。
　　我不得不佩服麦克?牛顿，他没有轻易放弃，躲起来舔伤口，他比我原先认为的更勇敢。他打算再努力一把。
　　贝拉很早就来到学校，似乎打算好好享受这持续数日的阳光，她坐在平时不常坐的餐厅外面的长椅上，等待第一节课的铃声打响。她的头发在阳光下反射出淡淡的红色光泽，这是我从来没有预料到的。
　　麦克发现她坐在那儿，又在乱画，为自己的好运气兴奋不已。
　　只能无能为力地干看着这一切真叫人痛苦，我被明亮的阳光禁锢在森林的阴暗处。
　　 她对他的到来表现出充分的热情，这让他狂喜，而我却恰恰相反。
　　（看，她喜欢我。如果她不喜欢的话不会冲我那样笑。我敢打赌她一定想跟我去舞会。真想知道西雅图究竟有什么重要的事……）他察觉到了她头发颜色的变化。“我之前从来没有注意——你的头发居然带点儿红色。”
　　在他抓了一缕飘过他指缝间的她的头发时，我一不留神就我手里那棵小云杉树连根拔起。
　　“只有在阳光下才这样。”她说道。让我大为满意的是，当他把那缕头发拨回她耳后时，她稍微畏缩了一下。
　　麦克花了一分钟的时间才重新鼓起勇气，他用闲聊来浪费时间。
　　她提醒他星期三我们全部人都要缴交的论文作业。从她脸上流露出来的一丝沾沾自喜看得出来，她已经写完了。他早把这事儿忘了个一干二净，而这将大大占用他的空余时间。
　　（该死——无聊的论文。）他终于说到重点——我把牙齿咬得格格响，想必连花岗岩都能被磨成粉——尽管那样，他还是没有直接表明用意。
　　“我本来还想约你出去呢。”
　　“哦。”她说道。
　　一段短暂的沉默。
　　（哦？那是什么意思？她是打算说好吗？等等——我还没问呢。）他困难地咽了口唾沫。
　　“嗯，我们可以一起吃个晚饭或干点别的什么作业我可以晚点再写。”
　　（傻瓜——那根本不是在问。）“麦克……”
　　我那极度的痛苦和嫉妒跟刚刚过去的那个星期相比，并未减弱。为了让自己待在原地，我又弄垮了一棵树。我真的很想以人类肉眼看不见的速度狂奔回学校，把她抢回来——把她从这个让我恨之入骨的男孩那儿偷走，这一刻我真的很可能会杀了他，而且还乐意之至。
　　她会答应他吗？
　　“我觉得这不是最好的主意。”
　　我又放宽心了。僵硬的身体放松下来。
　　（说到底，西雅图只是个借口。不该这么问的。我在想什么呀？一定是跟那个怪胎卡伦……）“为什么？”他阴郁地问道。
　　“我觉得……”她踌躇片刻，说道，“要是你敢让我在重复一遍同样的话，我会很乐意揍死你的——”
　　“死”这个字从她嘴里吐出来，让我放声大笑。一只松鸦尖叫一声，受惊地从我身边飞出来。
　　“可是我想，那样会伤了杰西卡的心。”
　　“杰西卡？”（什么？可是……哦，那还好，我想，那样，噢……）他脑子被搅浑了。
　　“说真的，麦克，难道你是瞎子吗？”
　　 她这话引起了我的共鸣。她不该期待所有人都能像她那样有洞察力，可这件事真是太明显不过了。麦克刚才一直烦恼着该怎么开口邀请贝拉，难道他真的没有猜到杰西卡也像他这样烦恼着吗？一定是自私让他对其他人视而不见。而贝拉则是那么地无私，所以她看到了一切。
　　（杰西卡，哦，这，哦。）“噢，”他想说点什么。
　　“上课了，我可不能再迟到了。”
　　从那时起，麦克就拿不定主意了。他发现，自打他把念头转向杰西卡后，他为她喜欢他而颇为高兴。
　　（不过，我想，她挺可爱的。身材不错。很容易弄到手……）然后他中断了这个想法，转为新的幻想，就像他之前对贝拉的幻想那样粗俗。他对两个女孩都缺乏起码的尊重，他只是把她们简单地交换了一下位置。我避开了他后面的想法。
　　当她离开我的视野时，我爬上一棵巨大的草莓树，靠在凉爽的树干上，跳过一个又一个思想，把她锁定在我的视线里，当我可以透过安吉拉?韦伯的眼睛看见她时，我感到高兴。我希望可以用某种方式来回报这个叫韦伯的女孩，因为她实在是个好人。想到贝拉总算是有个值得结交的朋友，我感觉好多了。
　　我能看见她又悲伤起来。这让我惊讶——我还以为阳光足够让她一直展露笑容。午饭时间，我看见她一次次地瞥向那张卡伦家常坐的空桌子，这让我一阵激动。这让我燃起希望。也许她也想念我。
　　她打算跟其他女孩一起出门——我自动自觉地制定好我的盯梢计划——不过这些计划延期了，因为麦克邀请杰西卡出去约会，就像他原来替贝拉安排的一样。
　　所以我直接去了她家，我在树林里迅速扫视一遍，确保没有什么危险的东西在这附近徘徊。
　　我知道贾斯帕已经告诫过他从前的兄弟避开这个小镇——他援引了我的疯狂作为解释，同时也算是警告——可我不敢小心大意。彼特和夏洛蒂无意与我们家为敌，可心意是可以改变的……好吧，我做得太过火了，我知道。
　　我朝书名瞥了一眼，《曼斯菲尔德庄园》。她已经开始读下一篇了——那本书是一部小说集。
　　我想知道她为什么那么鲁莽地将这些小说掀来掀去。
　　仅仅过了一会儿，她就愤怒地将书砰地合上。她一脸的不高兴，把书推到一边然后突然翻了个身。她深深地吸了口气，似乎想让自己平静下来，她把袖子卷起来，阖上了眼皮。我记得这几篇小说，可我想不起来里面会有任何让她感到心烦意乱的不安内容。又一个谜。我叹了口气。
　　她躺在那儿动也不动，只有一次猛地将头发从脸庞上拨开。它们在她的头顶上披散开来，就像一片栗色的瀑布。之后她又动也不动了。
　　她的呼吸放慢了。好几分钟过后，她的嘴唇抖动起来了。她在说梦话。
　　这叫人无法抵挡。我尽可能竖起耳朵去听，我捕捉到这附近屋子里的声音。
　　（两调羹面粉……一杯牛奶……来吧，穿过铁环，噢，快点！
　　红色好呢，还是蓝色好……也许我应该穿得更随意些……）这里面没有一个相近。我往地上一跳，在落地时以脚尖悄无声息地着地。
　　这么做很不合适，很冒险。我曾经高高在上地评判爱美特不经慎思的行为和贾斯帕的缺乏锻炼——而现在我正以一种狂热的放纵蓄意藐视所有的法规，这让他们的小小失误显得微不足道。我过去可是负责任的那一个。
　　我叹了口气，可还是不顾后果地走到阳光底下。
　　我不敢去看自己在阳光的强烈照射下的样子。即使在阴暗处，我的皮肤看起来也跟石头一样，一点儿也不像人类的皮肤，这已经够糟了，我压根儿不想去看贝拉和我肩并肩地一起出现在 阳光底下的模样。我俩之间的差异性已经无法克服了，即使我脑子里没有浮现这幅景象，我也已经够痛苦的了。
　　然而当我靠近她时，我无法无视她皮肤反射出来的彩虹般的光泽。我的下巴被这幅景象锁定了，再也无法移开。我在想像要是这会儿她突然睁开眼睛……我开始撤退，可她又含糊不清地说起话来，让我的脚像生了根似地留在那儿。
　　“嗯……嗯……”
　　 根本就听不清。好吧，我可以再等上一小会儿。
　　我小心翼翼地去偷她的书，我走近她，伸长胳膊，屏住呼吸，只是以防万一。当我退开几码远后，我才又重新开始呼吸，品尝着阳光和露天对她的气味的影响。
　　温度似乎让那股气味变得更甜美了。我的喉咙燃起了渴望的火焰，这火焰格外猛烈，因为我离开她已经有一段时间了。
　　我花了片刻工夫来控制这团火焰——然后强迫自己用鼻子来呼吸——我把她的书摊开放在手里。她刚才是从头开始看的，我匆匆翻阅书页，飞快翻到《理智与情感》的第三章，在奥斯丁文雅得过分的文章里搜寻任何能令人情绪不安的潜在因素。
　　当我的眼睛自动自觉地停留在我的名字上时——书中人物爱德华的名字被第一次提及——贝拉又开口说话了。
　　“嗯……爱德华。”她叹了口气。
　　这一次我不再担心她醒过来了。她的声音只是一种低而含糊的咕哝。如果她现在见到我的话，她不可能不发出害怕的尖叫的。
　　至少，她又梦到我了。
　　“爱德蒙。哈，太接近了……”
　　爱德蒙？
　　啊，我泄气地意识到，她梦见的根本不是我。她梦见的是小说中的人物。到目前为止，我都是在盲目自大。
　　我把她的书放回原来的地方，然后悄悄退回阴暗处——回到我本该属于的地方。
　　一个下午过去了，我一直在看着，又一次感到无助，太阳正缓缓地西沉，阴影爬上了草坪，笼盖在她头顶上。我很想把它们赶回去，可黑暗终会来临，那些阴影笼罩着她。当光明消失后，她的皮肤看起来是那么苍白——可怕的苍白。她的头发又变成了黑色，跟她的脸庞形成黑白的强烈对比。
　　这是一幅令我触目惊心的景象——就像亲眼目睹爱丽丝的幻象变成现实。贝拉沉稳而坚定的心跳是唯一让我安心的东西，这个声音把我从此刻噩梦般的感觉中拯救出来。
　　她父亲回来了，这让我放下心来。
　　当他开车沿着小路一直驶向家门口时，我听到一点儿来自他脑子里的声音。那是一些含糊不清的烦恼……白天里他工作上的一些牢骚。还有伴随饥饿而产生的期待——我猜他一定很想吃晚饭。不过他这些想法都很不显眼，很含蓄，我不是很肯定我的猜测是对的。我只能听出些大概。
　　我想知道她母亲的声音是怎么样的——是什么样的遗传密码造就了她的特殊。
　　贝拉开始醒过来，当她父亲警车的轮胎碾过车道的水泥地时，她猛地坐起身。她凝视四周，看起来很茫然，她没有料到已经天黑了。有那么短短的一瞬间，她的目光掠过我藏身的那片阴暗处，不过很快就看向别的地方。
　　“查理？”她低声问道，还在盯着院子四周那片树林看。
　　他的车门被猛地关上，她朝声音看过去。她很快站起身，收拾东西，又朝背后的树林看了一眼。
　　我转移到一棵树上，那棵树就挨着小厨房的后窗，听一听他们晚上在干什么。唔，比较查理的言语和他压抑的思想还真是有趣。他对自己独生女的爱护和关心无比强烈，可是他嘴里说出来的话却是那么简洁、漠不关心。大部分时间里，他们都是安静而友好的坐在那儿。
　　我听见她正商量第二天傍晚去天使港的计划，我边听边修改自己的计划。贾斯帕没有事先告诫皮特和夏洛特远离天使港。尽管我知道他们最近已经进食过了，并且无意在我们家附近捕猎，可以防万一，我还是要密切注视她。毕竟，外面总还有其他我的同类。还有那些我之前从未考虑过的人类会遇到的危险。
　　我听见她在担心留下她父亲一个人吃晚饭，我微笑，这证实了我的猜测——是的，她是当家人。
　　然后我走了，我会在她睡觉的时候再回来。
　　我可不会像那些偷窥狂那样非法侵犯她的隐私。我来这儿是为了保护她，我不会像麦克?牛顿那样以色情眼光偷窥她。（如果那家伙能像我一样灵巧地爬上树梢，他肯定会这么干的）当我回到家时，屋子里空无一人，这对我来说再好不过。我一点儿也不怀念那些迷惑不解，那些蔑视，那些质疑我神志是否正常的想法，爱美特留了一张纸条压在楼梯口的端柱上。
　　去雷尼尔原野踢足球——来吧？求你了？
　　我找来一支笔，在他的恳求下面潦草地写下“对不起”三个字。不管怎样，没有我，他们两队的人数会更平均。
　　我去了附近捕猎，用一些更小、更温和一些的动物来满足我的干渴，不过对猎人而言，它们味道并不好，然后我换上干净衣服，重返福克斯。
　　贝拉今晚也睡得不好。她在毯子里辗转反侧，她的脸庞时而焦虑，时而忧伤。我想知道是什么样的噩梦缠住了她……随即又意识到也许我并不真的想要知道。
　　当她开始说梦话时，她主要是在咕哝着抱怨福克斯，她的语气闷闷不乐。只有一次，当她叹息着说出“留下来”这句话时，她的手抽搐了一下，张开了——一个无声的恳求——这确实给了我一个机会，让我生出希望：她也许是梦见了我。
　　在回学校的第二天，（这将是最后一天，过了这天，阳光就不能再把我禁锢）这天跟之前那天一样。贝拉好像比昨天还要消沉，我怀疑她是否会放弃她的计划——她似乎没什么心情。
　　可对贝拉来说，她可能会把友人的快乐放在自己的快乐之上。
　　今天她穿了一件深蓝色的衬衫，那颜色跟她的肤色很配，让她的皮肤看起来就像凝脂一般。
　　放学了，杰西卡同意开车载上其他女孩——安吉拉也去，我对此心生感激。
　　我回家去拿我的车。我在那儿看见了皮特和夏洛特，我决定给那些女孩一小时的时间，让她们先我一步离去。我可无法忍受开车跟在她们后面，让自己车速受限——想想就可怕。
　　 我进了屋，穿过厨房，当我走过客厅，从所有人面前经过时，我冲着向我打招呼的爱美特和爱斯梅点头致意，然后我径直走向钢琴。
　　（嗯哼，他回来了。）罗莎莉这么想。
　　（啊，爱德华。我真不愿见到他受这样的苦。）爱斯梅在高兴过后又变得忧心忡忡。她是该担心的。她为我设想的那个爱情故事正演变为悲剧。
　　（今晚在天使港玩得开心点儿，）爱丽丝兴高采烈地想道。（让我知道我什么时候才能和贝拉说话。）（你真是太可怜啦！我不相信你居然会错过昨晚那场球赛，仅仅是为了看某个人睡觉，）爱美特在抱怨。
　　贾斯帕没有留意我，即使当我在无意间将那首曲子弹奏得过于激烈一点时。这是一首古老的曲子，有一个非正式的名字：急躁。贾斯帕正跟他的朋友们道别，后者好奇地看着我。
　　（真是一个奇怪的家伙，）那个体格像爱丽丝，长着一头金发的夏洛特想道。（上次我们见到他时，他还很正常，心情很愉快。）跟往常一样，皮特的想法跟她同步。
　　（肯定跟吸动物血有关。不喝人血终于让他们疯了，）他得出结论。他的头发就像她那样明亮，几乎跟她一样长。他们很相似——只是体格不同，他跟贾斯帕一样高——长相和想法都很相似。真是一对绝配，我过去总这么认为。
　　我有很长一段时间都没有留意他们，只是让音乐分散我的紧张心情。看不见那个女孩，也感觉不到她，对我来说真是一种酷刑。当他们终于要离开时，我才把我的注意力回到他们的谈话上。
　　“如果你再见到玛丽亚，”贾斯帕说道，带了一点担忧。“告诉她我祝她安好。”
　　玛丽亚就是创造出贾斯帕和皮特的吸血鬼——贾斯帕是在十八世纪晚期，皮特要近一些，是在十九世纪四十年代。当我们住在卡尔加里时她来找过贾斯帕一次。那是一次充满危险的拜访——我们不得不马上搬走。那时贾斯帕礼貌地请求她以后离他远点儿。
　　“我可不想跟她这么快就见面。“皮特笑了一声说道——玛丽亚可是一个极其危险的人物，而且她跟皮特之间没剩多少爱。毕竟，皮特帮助过贾斯帕叛逃。贾斯帕过去一直是玛丽亚的心腹，而她曾经计划要杀死他，不过她把这看作是小事一桩。“不过，要是我见到她，我会替你问好的。”
　　接着他们握手，准备动身了。
　　“皮特，夏洛特。”我说道，一边点头。
　　“真高兴我们又见面了，爱德华。”夏洛特不无疑虑地说道，皮特仅仅是点头回应。
　　（疯子。）爱美特在我背后丢过来这么一句。
　　（白痴。）与此同时，罗莎莉想道。
　　（可怜的孩子。）爱斯梅这样想。
　　而爱丽丝则以一种责备的语气想道。（他们会一直往东走，去西雅图。他们不会靠近天使港的。）她把脑中的幻象作为证据展示给我看。
　　我装作没听见。可我的理由已经站不住脚了。
　　钻进车子里，我感到更轻松了；引擎发出的嗡嗡声强健有力，罗莎莉提高了它的性能——这是去年她心情不错的时候替我改装的——真让人宽慰。终于能够动身了，这对我来说真是一种解脱，我的车轮飞驰，我知道自己正离贝拉越拉越近。
Chapter 9 Port Angeles
It was too bright for me to drive into town when I got to Port Angeles; the sun was stilltoo high overhead, and, though my windows were tinted dark, there was no reason to takeunnecessary risks. More unnecessary risks, I should say.
　　I was certain I would be able to find Jessica’s thoughts from a distance—Jessica’sthoughts were louder than Angela’s, but once I found the first, I’d be able to hear thesecond. Then, when the shadows lengthened, I could get closer. For now, I pulled offthe road onto an overgrown driveway just outside the town that appeared to beinfrequently used.
　　I knew the general direction to search in—there was really only one place fordress shopping in Port Angeles. It wasn’t long before I found Jessica, spinning in front ofa three way mirror, and I could see Bella in her peripheral vision, appraising the longblack dress she wore.
　　Bella still looks pissed. Ha ha. Angela was right—Tyler was full of it. I can’tbelieve she’s so upset about it, though. At least she knows she has a back up date for theprom. What if Mike doesn’t have fun at the dance, and he doesn’t ask me out again?
　　What if he asks Bella to the prom? Would she have asked Mike to the dance if I hadn’tsaid anything? Does he think she’s prettier than me? Does she think she’s prettier thanme?
　　“I think I like the blue one better. It really brings out your eyes.”
　　Jessica smiled at Bella with false warmth, while eyeing her suspiciously.
　　Does she really think that? Or does she want me to look like a cow on Saturday?
　　I was already tired of listening to Jessica. I searched close by for Angela—ah, butAngela was in the process of changing dresses, and I skipped quickly out of her head togive her some privacy.
　　Well, there wasn’t much trouble Bella could get into in a department store. I’d letthem shop and then catch up with them when they were done. It wouldn’t be long until itwas dark—the clouds were beginning to return, drifting in from the west. I could onlycatch glimpses of them through the thick trees, but I could see how they would hurry the  sunset. I welcomed them, craved them more than I had ever yearned for their shadowsbefore. Tomorrow I could sit beside Bella in school again, monopolize her attention atlunch again. I could ask her all the questions I’d been saving up…So, she was furious about Tyler’s presumption. I’d seen that in his head—thathe’d meant it literally when he’d spoken of the prom, that he was staking a claim. Ipictured her expression from that other afternoon—the outraged disbelief—and Ilaughed. I wondered what she would say to him about this. I wouldn’t want to miss herreaction.
　　The time went slowly while I waited for the shadows to lengthen. I checked inperiodically with Jessica; her mental voice was the easiest to find, but I didn’t like tolinger there long. I saw the place they were planning to eat. It would be dark by dinnertime…maybe I would coincidentally choose the same restaurant. I touched the phone inmy pocket, thinking of inviting Alice out to eat… She would love that, but she wouldalso want to talk to Bella. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to have Bella more involved withmy world. Wasn’t one vampire trouble enough?
　　I checked in routinely with Jessica again. She was thinking about her jewelry,asking Angela’s opinion.
　　“Maybe I should take the necklace back. I’ve got one at home that wouldprobably work, and I spent more than I was supposed to…” My mom is going to freakout. What was I thinking?
　　“I don’t mind going back to the store. Do you think Bella will be looking for us,though?”
　　What was this? Bella wasn’t with them? I stared through Jessica’s eyes first,then switched to Angela’s. They were on the sidewalk in front of a line of shops, justturning back the other way. Bella was no where in sight.
　　Oh, who cares about Bella? Jess thought impatiently, before answering Angela’squestion. “She’s fine. We’ll get to the restaurant in plenty of time, even if we go back.
　　Anyway, I think she wanted to be alone.” I got a brief glimpse of the bookshop Jessicathought Bella had gone to.
　　“Let’s hurry, then,” Angela said. I hope Bella doesn’t think we ditched her. Shewas so nice to me in the car before… She’s really a sweet person. But she’s seemed kind  of blue all day. I wonder if it’s because of Edward Cullen? I’ll bet that was why she wasasking about his family…I should have been paying better attention. What all had I missed here? Bellawas off wandering by herself, and she’d been asking about me before? Angela waspaying attention to Jessica now—Jessica was babbling about that idiot Mike—and I couldget nothing more from her.
　　I judged the shadows. The sun would be behind the clouds soon enough. If Istayed on the west side of the road, where the buildings would shade the street from thefading light…I started to feel anxious as I drove through the sparse traffic into the center of thetown. This wasn’t something I had considered—Bella taking off on her own—and I hadno idea how to find her. I should have considered it.
　　I knew Port Angeles well; I drove straight to the bookstore in Jessica’s head,hoping my search would be short, but doubting it would be so easy. When did Bella evermake it easy?
　　Sure enough, the little shop was empty except for the anachronistically dressedwoman behind the counter. This didn’t look like the kind of place Bella would beinterested in—too new age for a practical person. I wondered if she’d even bothered togo in?
　　There was a patch of shade I could park in… It made a dark pathway right up tothe overhang of the shop. I really shouldn’t. Wandering around in the sunlight hours wasnot safe. What if a passing car threw the sun’s reflection into the shade at just the wrongmoment?
　　But I didn’t know how else to look for Bella!
　　I parked and got out, keeping to the deepest side of the shadow. I strode quicklyinto the store, noting the faint trace of Bella’s scent in the air. She had been here, on thesidewalk, but there was no hint of her fragrance inside the shop.
　　“Welcome! Can I help—” the saleswoman began to say, but I was already out thedoor.
　　I followed Bella’s scent as far as the shade would allow, stopping when I got tothe edge of the sunlight.
　　  How powerless it made me feel—fenced in by the line between dark and light thatstretched across the sidewalk in front of me. So limited.
　　I could only guess that she’d continued across the street, heading south. Therewasn’t really much in that direction. Was she lost? Well, that possibility didn’t soundentirely out of character.
　　I got back in the car and drove slowly through the streets, looking for her. Istepped out into a few other patches of shadow, but I only caught her scent once more,and the direction of it confused me. Where was she trying to go?
　　I drove back and forth between the bookstore and the restaurant a few times,hoping to see her on her way. Jessica and Angela were already there, trying to decidewhether to order, or to wait for Bella. Jessica was pushing for ordering immediately.
　　I began flitting through the minds of strangers, looking through their eyes.
　　Surely, someone must have seen her somewhere.
　　I got more and more anxious the longer she remained missing. I hadn’tconsidered before how difficult she might prove to find once, like now, she was out ofmy sight and off her normal paths. I didn’t like it.
　　The clouds were massing on the horizon, and, in a few more minutes, I would befree to track her on foot. It wouldn’t take me long then. It was only the sun that mademe so helpless now. Just few more minutes, and then the advantage would be mine againand it would be the human world that was powerless.
　　Another mind, and another. So many trivial thoughts.
　　…think the baby has another ear infection…Was it six-four-oh or six-oh-four…?
　　Late again. I ought to tell him…Here she comes! Aha!
　　There, at last, was her face. Finally, someone had noticed her!
　　The relief lasted for only a fraction of a second, and then I read more fully thethoughts of the man who was gloating over her face in the shadows.
　　His mind was a stranger to me, and yet, not totally unfamiliar. I had once huntedexactly such minds.
　　  “NO!” I roared, and a volley of snarls erupted from my throat. My foot shovedthe gas pedal to the floor, but where was I going?
　　I knew the general location of his thoughts, but the knowledge was not specificenough. Something, there had to be something—a street sign, a store front, something inhis sight that would give away his location. But Bella was deep in shadow, and his eyeswere focused only on her frightened expression—enjoying the fear there.
　　Her face was blurred in his mind by the memory of other faces. Bella was not hisfirst victim.
　　The sound of my growls shook the frame of the car, but did not distract me.
　　There were no windows in the wall behind her. Somewhere industrial, away fromthe more populated shopping district. My car squealed around a corner, swerving pastanother vehicle, heading in what I hoped was the right direction. By the time the otherdriver honked, the sound was far behind me.
　　Look at her shaking! The man chuckled in anticipation. The fear was the drawfor him—the part he enjoyed.
　　“Stay away from me.” Her voice was low and steady, not a scream.
　　“Don’t be like that, sugar.”
　　He watched her flinch to a rowdy laugh that came from another direction. He wasirritated with the noise—Shut up, Jeff! he thought—but he enjoyed the way she cringed.
　　It excited him. He began to imagine her pleas, the way she would beg…I hadn’t realized that there were others with him until I’d heard the loud laughter.
　　I scanned out from him, desperate for something that I could use. He was taking the firststep in her direction, flexing his hands.
　　The minds around him were not the cesspool that his was. They were all slightlyintoxicated, not one of them realizing how far the man they called Lonnie planned to gowith this. They were following Lonnie’s lead blindly. He’d promised them a little fun…One of them glanced down the street, nervous—he didn’t want to get caughtharassing the girl—and gave me what I needed. I recognized the cross street he staredtoward.
　　I flew under a red light, sliding through a space just wide enough between twocars in the moving traffic. Horns blared behind me.
　　  My phone vibrated in my pocket. I ignored it.
　　Lonnie moved slowly toward the girl, drawing out the suspense—the moment ofterror that aroused him. He waited for her scream, preparing to savor it.
　　But Bella locked her jaw and braced herself. He was surprised—he’d expectedher to try to run. Surprised and slightly disappointed. He liked to chase his prey down,the adrenaline of the hunt.
　　Brave, this one. Maybe better, I guess…more fight in her.
　　I was a block away. The monster could hear the roar of my engine now, but hepaid it no attention, too intent on his victim.
　　I would see how he enjoyed the hunt when he was the prey. I would see what hethought of my style of hunting.
　　In another compartment of my head, I was already sorting through the range oftortures I’d born witness to in my vigilante days, searching for the most painful of them.
　　He would suffer for this. He would writhe in agony. The others would merely die fortheir part, but the monster named Lonnie would beg for death long before I would givehim that gift.
　　He was in the road, crossing toward her.
　　I spun sharply around the corner, my headlights washing across the scene andfreezing the rest of them in place. I could have run down the leader, who leapt out of theway, but that was too easy a death for him.
　　I let the car spin out, swinging all the way around so that I was facing back theway I’d come and the passenger door was closest to Bella. I threw that open, and she wasalready running toward the car.
　　“Get in,” I snarled.
　　What the hell?
　　Knew this was a bad idea! She’s not alone.
　　Should I run?
　　Think I’m going to throw up…Bella jumped through the open door without hesitating, pulling the door shutbehind her.
　　  And then she looked up at me with the most trustful expression I had ever seen ona human face, and all my violent plans crumbled.
　　It took much, much less than a second for me to see that I could not leave her inthe car in order to deal with the four men in the street. What would I tell her, not towatch? Ha! When did she ever do what I asked? When did she ever do the safe thing?
　　Would I drag them away, out of her sight, and leave her alone here? It was a longshot that another dangerous human would be prowling the streets of Port Angeles tonight,but it was a long shot that there was even the first! Like a magnet, she drew all thingsdangerous toward herself. I could not let her out of my sight.
　　It would feel like part of the same motion to her as I accelerated, taking her awayfrom her pursuers so quickly that they gaped after my car with uncomprehendingexpressions. She would not recognize my instant of hesitation. She would assume theplan was escape from the beginning.
　　I couldn’t even hit him with my car. That would frighten her.
　　I wanted his death so savagely that the need for it rang in my ears and clouded mysight and was a flavor on my tongue. My muscles were coiled with the urgency, thecraving, the necessity of it. I had to kill him. I would peel him slowly apart, piece bypiece, skin from muscle, muscle from bone…Except that the girl—the only girl in the world—was clinging to her seat withboth hands, staring at me, her eyes still wide and utterly trusting. Vengeance would haveto wait.
　　“Put on your seatbelt,” I ordered. My voice was rough with the hate andbloodlust. Not the usual bloodlust. I would not sully myself by taking any part of thatman inside me.
　　She locked the seatbelt into place, jumping slightly at the sound it made. Thatlittle sound made her jump, yet she did not flinch as I tore through the town, ignoring alltraffic guides. I could feel her eyes on me. She seemed oddly relaxed. It didn’t makesense to me—not with what she’d just been through.
　　“Are you okay?” she asked, her voice rough with stress and fear.
　　She wanted to know if I was okay?
　　  I thought about her question for a fraction of a second. Not long enough for her tonotice the hesitation. Was I okay?
　　“No,” I realized, and my tone seethed with rage.
　　I took her to the same unused drive where I’d spent the afternoon engaged in thepoorest surveillance ever kept. It was black now under the trees.
　　I was so furious that my body froze in place there, utterly motionless. My ice-locked hands ached to crush her attacker, to grind him into pieces so mangled that hisbody could never be identified….
　　But that would entail leaving her here alone, unprotected in the dark night.
　　“Bella?” I asked through my teeth.
　　“Yes?” she responded huskily. She cleared her throat.
　　“Are you all right?” That was really the most important thing, the first priority.
　　Retribution was secondary. I knew that, but my body was so filled with rage that it washard to think.
　　“Yes.” Her voice was still thick—with fear, no doubt.
　　And so I could not leave her.
　　Even if she wasn’t at constant risk for some infuriating reason—some joke theuniverse was playing on me—even if I could be sure that she would be perfectly safe inmy absence, I could not leave her alone in the dark.
　　She must be so frightened.
　　Yet I was in no condition to comfort her—even if I knew exactly how that was tobe accomplished, which I did not. Surely she could feel the brutality radiating out of me,surely that much was obvious. I would frighten her even more if I could not calm the lustfor slaughter boiling inside me.
　　I needed to think about something else.
　　“Distract me, please,” I pleaded.
　　“I’m sorry, what?”
　　I barely had enough control to try to explain what I needed.
　　“Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down,” I instructed, myjaw still locked. Only the fact that she needed me held me inside the car. I could hear the  man’s thoughts, his disappointment and anger… I knew where to find him… I closedmy eyes, wishing that I couldn’t see anyway…“Um…” She hesitated—trying to make sense of my request, I imagined. “I’mgoing to run over Tyler Crowley tomorrow before school?” She said this like it was aquestion.
　　Yes—this was what I needed. Of course Bella would come up with somethingunexpected. Like it had been before, the threat of violence coming through her lips washilarious—so comical it was jarring. If I had not been burning with the urge to kill, Iwould have laughed.
　　“Why?” I barked out, to force her to speak again.
　　“He’s telling everyone that he’s taking me to prom,” she said, her voice filledwith her tiger-kitten outrage. “Either he’s insane or he’s still trying to make up foralmost killing me last…well you remember it,” she inserted dryly, “and he thinks prom issomehow the correct way to do this. So I figure if I endanger his life, then we’re even,and he can’t keep trying to make amends. I don’t need enemies and maybe Lauren wouldback off if he left me alone. I might have to total his Sentra, though,” she went on,thoughtful now. “If he doesn’t have a ride he can’t take anyone to prom…”
　　It was encouraging to see that she sometimes got things wrong. Tyler’spersistence had nothing to do with the accident. She didn’t seem to understand the appealshe held for the human boys at the high school. Did she not see the appeal she had forme, either?
　　Ah, it was working. The baffling processes of her mind were always engrossing.
　　I was beginning to gain control of myself, to see something beyond vengeance andtorture…“I heard about that,” I told her. She had stopped talking, and I needed her tocontinue.
　　“You did?” she asked incredulously. And then her voice was angrier than before.
　　“If he’s paralyzed from the neck down, he can’t go to the prom either.”
　　I wished there was someway I could ask her to continue with the threats of deathand bodily harm with out sounding insane. She couldn’t have picked a better way to.   calm me. And her words—just sarcasm in her case, hyperbole—were a reminder I dearlyneeded in this moment.
　　I sighed, and opened my eyes.
　　“Better?” she asked timidly.
　　“Not really.”
　　No, I was calmer, but not better. Because I’d just realized that I could not kill themonster named Lonnie, and I still wanted that more than almost anything else in theworld. Almost.
　　The only thing in this moment that I wanted more than to commit a highlyjustifiable murder, was this girl. And, though I couldn’t have her, just the dream ofhaving her made it impossible for me to go on a killing spree tonight—no matter howdefensible such a thing might be.
　　Bella deserved better than a killer.
　　I’d spent seven decades trying to be something other than that—anything otherthan a killer. Those years of effort could never make me worthy of the girl sitting besideme. And yet, I felt that if I returned to that life—the life of a killer—for even one night, Iwould surely put her out of my reach forever. Even if I didn’t drink their blood—even ifI didn’t have that evidence blazing red in my eyes—wouldn’t she sense the difference?
　　I was trying to be good enough for her. It was an impossible goal. I would keeptrying.
　　“What’s wrong?” she whispered.
　　Her breath filled my nose, and I was reminded why I could not deserve her. Afterall of this, even with as much as I loved her…she still made my mouth water.
　　I would give her as much honesty as I could. I owed her that.
　　“Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella.” I stared out into the blacknight, wishing both that she would hear the horror inherent in my words and also that shewould not. Mostly that she would not. Run, Bella, run. Stay, Bella, stay. “But itwouldn’t be helpful for me to turn around and hunt down those…” Just thinking about italmost pulled me from the car. I took a deep breath, letting her scent scorch down mythroat. “At least, that’s what I’m trying to convince myself.”
　　“Oh.”
　　  She said nothing else. How much had she heard in my words? I glanced at herfurtively, but her face was unreadable. Blank with shock, perhaps. Well, she wasn’tscreaming. Not yet.
　　It was quiet for a moment. I warred with myself, trying to be what I should be.
　　What I couldn’t be.
　　“Jessica and Angela will be worried,” she said quietly. Her voice was very calm,and I was not sure how that could be. Was she in shock? Maybe tonight’s events hadn’tsunk in for her yet. “I was supposed to meet them.”
　　Did she want to be away from me? Or was she just worried about her friends’
　　worry?
　　I didn’t answer her, but I started the car and took her back. Every inch closer Igot to the town, the harder it was to hold on to my purpose. I was just so close to him…If it was impossible—if I could never have nor deserve this girl—then where wasthe sense in letting the man go unpunished? Surely I could allow myself that much…No. I wasn’t giving up. Not yet. I wanted her too much to surrender.
　　We were at the restaurant where she was supposed to meet her friends before I’deven begun to make sense of my thoughts. Jessica and Angela were finished eating, andboth now truly worried about Bella. They were on their way to search for her, headingoff along the dark street.
　　It was not a good night for them to be wandering—“How did you know where…?” Bella’s unfinished question interrupted me, and Irealized that I had made yet another gaffe. I’d been too distracted to remember to ask herwhere she was supposed to meet her friends.
　　But, instead of finishing the inquiry and pressing the point, Bella just shook herhead and half-smiled.
　　What did that mean?
　　Well, I didn’t have time to puzzle over her strange acceptance of my strangerknowledge. I opened my door.
　　“What are you doing?” she asked, sounding startled.
　　Not letting you out of my sight. Not allowing myself to be alone tonight. In thatorder. “I’m taking you to dinner.”
　　  Well this should be interesting. It seemed like another night entirely when I’dimagined bringing Alice along and pretending to choose the same restaurant as Bella andher friends by accident. And now, here I was, practically on a date with the girl. Only itdidn’t count, because I wasn’t giving her a chance to say no.
　　She already had her door half open before I’d walked around the car—it wasn’tusually so frustrating to have to move at an inconspicuous speed—instead of waiting forme to get it for her. Was this because she wasn’t used to being treated like a lady, orbecause she didn’t think of me as a gentleman?
　　I waited for her to join me, getting more anxious as her girlfriends continued intoward the dark corner.
　　“Go stop Jessica and Angela before I have to track them down, too,” I orderedquickly. “I don’t think I could restrain myself if I ran into your other friends again.” No,I would not be strong enough for that.
　　She shuddered, and then quickly collected herself. She took half a step afterthem, calling, “Jess! Angela!” in a loud voice. They turned, and she waved her arm overher head to catch their attention.
　　Bella! Oh, she’s safe! Angela thought with relief.
　　Late much? Jessica grumbled to herself, but she, too, was thankful that Bellawasn’t lost or hurt. This made me like her a little more than I had.
　　They hurried back, and then stopped, shocked, when they saw me beside her.
　　Uh-uh! Jess thought, stunned. No freaking way!
　　Edward Cullen? Did she go away by herself to find him? But why would she askabout them being out of town if she knew he was here… I got a brief flash of Bella’smortified expression when she’d asked Angela if my family was often absent fromschool. No, she couldn’t have known, Angela decided.
　　Jessica’s thoughts were moving past the surprise and on to suspicion. Bella’sbeen holding out on me.
　　“Where have you been?” she demanded, staring at Bella, but peeking at me fromthe corner of her eye.
　　“I got lost. And then I ran into Edward,” Bella said, waving one hand toward me.
　　Her tone was remarkably normal. Like that was truly all that had happened.
　　  She must be in shock. That was the only explanation for her calm.
　　“Would it be all right if I joined you?” I asked—to be polite; I knew that they’dalready eaten.
　　Holy crap but he’s hot! Jessica thought, her head suddenly slightly incoherent.
　　Angela wasn’t much more composed. Wish we hadn’t eaten. Wow. Just. Wow.
　　Now why couldn’t I do that to Bella?
　　“Er…sure,” Jessica agreed.
　　Angela frowned. “Um, actually, Bella, we already ate while we were waiting,”
　　she admitted. “Sorry.”
　　What? Shut up! Jess complained internally.
　　Bella shrugged casually. So at ease. Definitely in shock. “That’s fine—I’m nothungry.”
　　“I think you should eat something,” I disagreed. She needed sugar in herbloodstream—though it smelled sweet enough as it was, I thought wryly. The horror wasgoing to come crashing down on her momentarily, and an empty stomach wouldn’t help.
　　She was an easy fainter, as I knew from experience.
　　These girls wouldn’t be in any danger if they went straight home. Danger didn’tstalk their every step.
　　And I’d rather be alone with Bella—as long as she was willing to be alone withme.
　　“Do you mind if I drive Bella home tonight?” I said to Jessica before Bella couldrespond. “That way you won’t have to wait while she eats.”
　　“Uh, no problem, I guess…” Jessica stared intently at Bella, looking for somesign that this was what she wanted.
　　I want to stay…but she probably wants him to herself. Who wouldn’t? Jessthought. At the same time, she watched Bella wink.
　　Bella winked?
　　“Okay,” Angela said quickly, in a hurry to be out of the way if that was whatBella wanted. And it seemed that she did want that. “See you tomorrow,Bella…Edward.” She struggled to say my name in a casual tone. Then she grabbedJessica’s hand and began towing her away.
　　  I would have to find some way to thank Angela for this.
　　Jessica’s car was close by and in a bright circle of light cast by a streetlamp.
　　Bella watched them carefully, a little crease of concern between her eyes, until they werein the car, so she must be fully aware of the danger she’d been in. Jessica waved as shedrove away, and Bella waved back. It wasn’t until the car disappeared that she took adeep breath and turned to look up at me.
　　“Honestly, I’m not hungry,” she said.
　　Why had she waited for them to be gone before speaking? Did she truly want tobe alone with me—even now, after witnessing my homicidal rage?
　　Whether that was the case or not, she was going to eat something.
　　“Humor me,” I said.
　　I held the restaurant door open for her and waited.
　　She sighed, and walked through.
　　I walked beside her to the podium where the hostess waited. Bella still seemedentirely self-possessed. I wanted to touch her hand, her forehead, to check hertemperature. But my cold hand would repulse her, as it had before.
　　Oh, my, the hostess’s rather loud mental voice intruded into my consciousness.
　　My, oh my.
　　It seemed to be my night to turn heads. Or was I only noticing it more because Iwished so much that Bella would see me this way? We were always attractive to ourprey. I’d never thought so much about it before. Usually—unless, as with people likeShelly Cope and Jessica Stanley, there was constant repetition to dull the horror—the fearkicked in fairly quickly after the initial attraction…“A table for two?” I prompted when the hostess didn’t speak.
　　“Oh, er, yes. Welcome to La Bella Italia.” Mmm! What a voice! “Please followme.” Her thoughts were preoccupied—calculating.
　　Maybe she’s his cousin. She couldn’t be his sister, they don’t look anything alike.
　　But family, definitely. He can’t be with her.
　　Human eyes were clouded; they saw nothing clearly. How could this small-minded woman find my physical lures—snares for prey—so attractive, and yet be unableto see the soft perfection of the girl beside me?
　　  Well, no need to help her out, just in case, the hostess thought as she led us to afamily-sized table in the middle of the most crowded part of the restaurant. Can I givehim my number while she’s there…? she mused.
　　I pulled a bill from my back pocket. People were invariably cooperative whenmoney was involved.
　　Bella was already taking the seat the hostess indicated without objection. I shookmy head at her, and she hesitated, cocking her head to one side with curiosity. Yes, shewould be very curious tonight. A crowd was not the ideal place for this conversation.
　　“Perhaps something more private?” I requested of the hostess, handing her themoney. Her eyes widened in surprise, and then narrowed while her hand curled aroundthe tip.
　　“Sure.”
　　She peeked at the bill while she led us around a dividing wall.
　　Fifty dollars for a better table? Rich, too. That makes sense—I bet his jacket costmore than my last paycheck. Damn. Why does he want privacy with her?
　　She offered us a booth in a quiet corner of the restaurant where no one would beable to see us—to see Bella’s reactions to whatever I would tell her. I had no clue as towhat she would want from me tonight. Or what I would give her.
　　How much had she guessed? What explanation of tonight’s events had she toldherself?
　　“How’s this?” the hostess asked.
　　“Perfect,” I told her and, feeling slightly annoyed by her resentful attitude towardBella, I smiled widely at her, baring my teeth. Let her see me clearly.
　　Whoa. “Um…your server will be right out.” He can’t be real. I must be asleep.
　　Maybe she’ll disappear…maybe I’ll write my number on his plate with ketchup… Shewandered away, listing slightly to the side.
　　Odd. She still wasn’t frightened. I suddenly remembered Emmett teasing me inthe cafeteria, so many weeks ago. I’ll bet I could have scared her better than that.
　　Was I losing my edge?
　　“You really shouldn’t do that to people,” Bella interrupted my thoughts in adisapproving tone. “It’s hardly fair.”
　　  I stared at her critical expression. What did she mean? I hadn’t frightened thehostess at all, despite my intentions. “Do what?”
　　“Dazzle them like that—she’s probably hyperventilating in the kitchen rightnow.”
　　Hmm. Bella was very nearly right. The hostess was only semi-coherent at themoment, describing her incorrect assessment of me to her friend on the wait staff.
　　“Oh, come on,” Bella chided me when I didn’t answer immediately. “You haveto know the effect you have on people.”
　　“I dazzle people?” That was an interesting way of phrasing it. Accurate enoughfor tonight. I wondered why the difference…“You haven’t noticed?” she asked, still critical. “Do you think everybody getstheir way so easily?”
　　“Do I dazzle you?” I voiced my curiosity impulsively, and then the words wereout, and it was too late to recall them.
　　But before I had time to too deeply regret speaking the words aloud she answered,“Frequently.” And her cheeks took on a faint pink glow.
　　I dazzled her.
　　My silent heart swelled with a hope more intense than I could ever rememberhaving felt before.
　　“Hello,” someone said, the waitress, introducing herself. Her thoughts were loud,and more explicit than the hostess’s, but I tuned her out. I stared at Bella’s face insteadof listening, watching the blood spreading under her skin, noticing not how that made mythroat flame, but rather how it brightened her fair face, how it set off the cream of herskin…The waitress was waiting for something from me. Ah, she’d asked for our drinkorder. I continued to stare at Bella, and the waitress grudgingly turned to look at her, too.
　　“I’ll have a coke?” Bella said, as if asking for approval.
　　“Two cokes,” I amended. Thirst—normal, human thirst—was a sign of shock. Iwould make sure she had the extra sugar from the soda in her system.
　　She looked healthy, though. More than healthy. She looked radiant.
　　  “What?” she demanded—wondering why I was staring, I guessed. I was vaguelyaware that the waitress had left.
　　“How are you feeling?” I asked.
　　She blinked, surprised by the question. “I’m fine.”
　　“You don’t feel dizzy, sick, cold?”
　　She was even more confused now. “Should I?”
　　“Well, I actually I’m waiting for you to go into shock.” I half-smiled, expectingher denial. She would not want to be taken care of.
　　It took her a minute to answer me. Her eyes were slightly unfocused. She lookedthat way sometimes, when I smiled at her. Was she…dazzled?
　　I would love to believe that.
　　“I don’t think that will happen. I’ve always been very good at repressingunpleasant things,” she answered, a little breathless.
　　Did she have a lot of practice with unpleasant things, then? Was her life alwaysthis hazardous?
　　“Just the same,” I told her. “I’ll feel better when you have some sugar and food inyou.”
　　The waitress returned with the cokes and a basket of bread. She put them in frontof me, and asked for my order, trying to catch my eye in the process. I indicated that sheshould attend to Bella, and then went back to tuning her out. She had a vulgar mind.
　　“Um…” Bella glanced quickly at the menu. “I’ll have the mushroom ravioli.”
　　The waitress turned back to me eagerly. “And you?”
　　“Nothing for me.”
　　Bella made a slight face. Hmm. She must have noticed that I never ate food. Shenoticed everything. And I always forgot to be careful around her.
　　I waited till we were alone again.
　　“Drink,” I insisted.
　　I was surprised when she complied immediately and without objection. Shedrank until the glass was entirely empty, so I pushed the second coke toward her,frowning a little. Thirst, or shock?
　　She drank a little more, and then shuddered once.
　　  “Are you cold?”
　　“It’s just the coke,” she said, but she shivered again, her lips trembling slightly asif her teeth were about to chatter.
　　The pretty blouse she wore looked too thin to protect her adequately; it clung toher like a second skin, almost as fragile as the first. She was so frail, so mortal. “Don’tyou have a jacket?”
　　“Yes.” She looked around herself, a little perplexed. “Oh—I left it in Jessica’scar.”
　　I pulled off my jacket, wishing that the gesture was not marred by my bodytemperature. It would have been nice to have been able to offer her a warm coat. Shestared at me, her cheeks warming again. What was she thinking now?
　　I handed her the jacket across the table, and she put it on at once, and thenshuddered again.
　　Yes, it would be very nice to be warm.
　　“Thanks,” she said. She took a deep breath, and then pushed the too-long sleevesback to free her hands. She took another deep breath.
　　Was the evening finally settling in? Her color was still good; her skin was creamand roses against the deep blue of her shirt.
　　“That color blue looks lovely with your skin,” I complimented her. Just beinghonest.
　　She flushed, enhancing the effect.
　　She looked well, but there was no point in taking chances. I pushed the basket ofbread toward her.
　　“Really,” she objected, guessing my motives. “I’m not going into shock.”
　　“You should be—a normal person would be. You don’t even look shaken.” Istared at her, disapproving, wondering why she couldn’t be normal and then wondering ifreally wanted her to be that way.
　　“I feel very safe with you,” she said, her eyes, again, filled with trust. Trust Ididn’t deserve.
　　  Her instincts were all wrong—backwards. That must be the problem. She didn’trecognize danger the way a human being should be able to. She had the oppositereaction. Instead of running, she lingered, drawn to what should frighten her…How could I protect her from myself when neither of us wanted that?
　　“This is more complicated than I’d planned,” I murmured.
　　I could see her turning my words over in her head, and I wondered what she madeof them. She took a breadstick and began to eat without seeming aware of the action.
　　She chewed for a moment, and then leaned her head to one side thoughtfully.
　　“Usually you’re in a better mood when your eyes are so light,” she said in acasual tone.
　　Her observation, stated so matter of factly, left me reeling. “What?”
　　“You’re always crabbier when your eyes are black—I expect it then. I have atheory about that,” she added lightly.
　　So she had come up with her own explanation. Of course she had. I felt a deepsense of dread as I wondered how close she’d come to the truth.
　　“More theories?”
　　“Mm-hm.” She chewed on another bite, entirely nonchalant. As if she weren’tdiscussing the aspects of a monster with the monster himself.
　　“I hope you were more creative this time…” I lied when she didn’t continue.
　　What I really hoped was that she was wrong—miles wide of the mark. “Or are you stillstealing from comic books?”
　　“Well, no, I didn’t get it from a comic book,” she said, a little embarrassed. “ButI didn’t come up with it on my own, either.”
　　“And?” I asked between my teeth.
　　Surely should would not speak so calmly if she were about to scream.
　　As she hesitated, biting her lip, the waitress reappeared with Bella’s food. I paidthe server little attention as she set the plate in front of Bella and then asked if I wantedanything.
　　I declined, but asked for more coke. The waitress hadn’t noticed the emptyglasses. She took them and left.
　　“You were saying?” I prompted anxiously as soon as we were alone again.
　　  “I’ll tell you about it in the car,” she said in a low voice. Ah, this would be bad.
　　She wasn’t willing to speak her guesses around others. “If…” she tacked on suddenly.
　　“There are conditions?” I was so tense I almost growled the words.
　　“I do have a few questions, of course.”
　　“Of course,” I agreed, my voice hard.
　　Her questions would probably be enough to tell me where her thoughts wereheading. But how would I answer them? With responsible lies? Or would I drive heraway with truth? Or would I say nothing, unable to decide?
　　We sat in silence while the waitress replenished her supply of soda.
　　“Well, go ahead,” I said, jaw locked, when she was gone.
　　“Why are you in Port Angeles?”
　　That was too easy a question—for her. It gave away nothing, while my answer, iftruthful, would give away much too much. Let her reveal something first.
　　“Next,” I said.
　　“But that’s the easiest one!’
　　“Next,” I said again.
　　She was frustrated by my refusal. She looked away from me, down to her food.
　　Slowly, thinking hard, she took a bite and chewed with deliberation. She washed it downwith more coke, and then finally looked up at me. Her eyes were narrow with suspicion.
　　“Okay then,” she said. “Let’s say, hypothetically, of course,that…someone…could know what people are thinking, read minds, you know—with justa few exceptions.”
　　It could be worse.
　　This explained that little half-smile in the car. She was quick—no one else hadever guessed this about me. Except for Carlisle, and it had been rather obvious then, inthe beginning, when I’d answered all his thoughts as if he’d spoken them to me. He’dunderstood before I had…This question wasn’t so bad. While it was clear that she knew that there wassomething wrong with me, was not as serious as it could have been. Mind-reading was,after all, not a facet of the vampire cannon. I went along with her hypothesis.
　　“Just one exception,” I corrected. “Hypothetically.”
　　  She fought a smile—my vague honesty pleased her. “All right, with oneexception, then. How does that work? What are the limitations? How would…thatsomeone…find someone else at exactly the right time? How would he know that she wasin trouble?”
　　“Hypothetically?”
　　“Sure.” Her lips twitched, and her liquid brown eyes were eager.
　　“Well,” I hesitated. “If…that someone…”
　　“Let’s call him ‘Joe,’” she suggested.
　　I had to smile at her enthusiasm. Did she really think the truth would be a goodthing? If my secrets were pleasant, why would I keep them from her?
　　“Joe, then,” I agreed. “If Joe had been paying attention, the timing wouldn’t haveneeded to be quite so exact.” I shook my head and repressed a shudder at the thought ofhow close I had been to being too late today. “Only you could get into trouble in a townthis small. You would have devastated their crime rate statistics for a decade, youknow.”
　　Her lips turned down at the corners, and pouted out. “We were speaking of ahypothetical case.”
　　I laughed at her irritation.
　　Her lips, her skin… They looked so soft. I wanted to touch them. I wanted topress my fingertip against the corner of her frown and turn it up. Impossible. My skinwould be repellent to her.
　　“Yes, we were,” I said, returning to the conversation before I could depressmyself too thoroughly. “Shall we call you ‘Jane’?”
　　She leaned across the table toward me, all humor and irritation gone from herwide eyes.
　　“How did you know?” she asked, her voice low and intense.
　　Should I tell her the truth? And, if so, what portion?
　　I wanted to tell her. I wanted to deserve the trust I could still see on her face.
　　“You can trust me, you know,” she whispered, and she reached one hand forwardas if to touch my hands where they rested on top of the empty table before me.
　　  I pulled them back—hating the thought of her reaction to my frigid stone skin—and she dropped her hand.
　　I knew that I could trust her with protecting my secrets; she was entirelytrustworthy, good to the core. But I couldn’t trust her not to be horrified by them. Sheshould be horrified. The truth was horror.
　　“I don’t know if I have a choice anymore,” I murmured. I remembered that I’donce teased her by calling her ‘exceptionally unobservant.’ Offended her, if I’d beenjudging her expressions correctly. Well, I could right that one injustice, at least. “I waswrong—you’re much more observant than I gave you credit for.” And, though she mightnot realize it, I’d given her plenty of credit already. She missed nothing.
　　“I thought you were always right,” she said, smiling as she teased me.
　　“I used to be.” I used to know what I was doing. I used to be always sure of mycourse. And now everything was chaos and tumult.
　　Yet I wouldn’t trade it. I didn’t want the life that made sense. Not if the chaosmeant that I could be with Bella.
　　“I was wrong about you on one other thing as well,” I went on, setting the recordstraight on another point. “You’re not a magnet for accidents—that’s not a broad enoughclassification. You are a magnet for trouble. If there is anything dangerous within a ten-mile radius, it will invariably find you.” Why her? What had she done to deserve any ofthis?
　　Bella’s face turned serious again. “And you put yourself into that category?”
　　Honesty was more important in regards to this question than any other.
　　“Unequivocally.”
　　Her eyes narrowed slightly—not suspicious now, but oddly concerned. Shereached her hand across the table again, slowly and deliberately. I pulled my hands aninch away from her, but she ignored that, determined to touch me. I held my breath—notbecause of her scent now, but because of the sudden, overwhelming tension. Fear. Myskin would disgust her. She would run away.
　　She brushed her fingertips lightly across the back of my hand. The heat of hergentle, willing touch was like nothing I’d ever felt before. It was almost pure pleasure.
　　  Would have been, except for my fear. I watched her face as she felt the cold stone of myskin, still unable to breathe.
　　A half-smile turned up the corners of her lips.
　　“Thank you,” she said, meeting my stare with an intense gaze of her own. “That’stwice now.”
　　Her soft fingers lingered on my hand as if they found it pleasant to be there.
　　I answered her as casually as I was able. “Let’s not try for three, agreed?”
　　She grimaced at that, but nodded.
　　I pulled my hands out from under hers. As exquisite as her touch felt, I wasn’tgoing to wait for the magic of her tolerance to pass, to turn to revulsion. I hid my handsunder the table.
　　I read her eyes; though her mind was silent, I could perceive both trust andwonder there. I realized in that moment that I wanted to answer her questions. Notbecause I owed it to her. Not because I wanted her to trust me.
　　I wanted her to know me.
　　“I followed you to Port Angeles,” I told her, the words spilling out too quickly forme to edit them. I knew the danger of the truth, the risk I was taking. At any moment,her unnatural calm could shatter into hysterics. Contrarily, knowing this only had metalking faster. “I’ve never tried to keep a specific person alive before and it’s much moretroublesome than I would have believed. But that’s probably just because it’s you.
　　Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes.”
　　I watched her, waiting.
　　She smiled. Her lips curved up at the edges, and her chocolate eyes warmed.
　　I’d just admitted to stalking her, and she was smiling.
　　“Did you ever think that maybe my number was up that first time, with the van,and that you’ve been interfering with fate?” she asked.
　　“That wasn’t the first time,” I said, staring down at the dark maroon table cloth,my shoulders bowed in shame. My barriers were down, the truth still spilling freerecklessly. “Your number was up the first time I met you.”
　　It was true, and it angered me. I had been positioned over her life like the bladeof a guillotine. It was as if she had been marked for death by some cruel, unjust fate,  and—since I’d proved an unwilling tool—that same fate continued to try to execute her.
　　I imagined the fate personified—a grisly, jealous hag, a vengeful harpy.
　　I wanted something, someone, to be responsible for this—so that I would havesomething concrete to fight against. Something, anything to destroy, so that Bella couldbe safe.
　　Bella was very quiet; her breathing had accelerated.
　　I looked up at her, knowing I would finally see the fear I was waiting for. Had Inot just admitted how close I’d been to killing her? Closer than the van that had comewithin slim inches of crushing her. And yet, her face was still calm, her eyes stilltightened only with concern.
　　“You remember?” She had to remember that.
　　“Yes,” she said, her voice level and grave. Her deep eyes were full of awareness.
　　She knew. She knew that I had wanted to murder her.
　　Where were the screams?
　　“And yet here you sit,” I said, pointing out the inherent contradiction.
　　“Yes, here I sit…because of you.” Her expression altered, turned curious, as sheunsubtly changed the subject. “Because somehow you knew how to find me today…?”
　　Hopelessly, I pushed one more time at the barrier that protected her thoughts,desperate to understand. It made no logical sense to me. How could she even care aboutthe rest with that glaring truth on the table?
　　She waited, only curious. Her skin was pale, which was natural for her, but it stillconcerned me. Her dinner sat nearly untouched in front of her. If I continued to tell hertoo much, she was going to need a buffer when the shock wore off.
　　I named my terms. “You eat, I’ll talk.”
　　She processed that for half a second, and then threw a bite in her mouth with aspeed that belied her calm. She was more anxious for my answer than her eyes let on.
　　“It’s harder than it should be—keeping track of you,” I told her. “Usually I canfind someone very easily, once I’ve heard their mind before.”
　　I watched her face carefully as I said this. Guessing right was one thing, having itconfirmed was another.
　　  She was motionless, her eyes wide. I felt my teeth clench together as I waited forher panic.
　　But she just blinked once, swallowed loudly, and then quickly scooped anotherbite into her mouth. She wanted me to continue.
　　“I was keeping tabs on Jessica,” I went on, watching each word as it sank in.
　　“Not carefully—like I said, only you could find trouble in Port Angeles—” I couldn’tresist adding that. Did she realize that other human lives were not so plagued with neardeath experiences, or did she think she was normal? She was the furthest thing fromnormal I’d ever encountered. “And at first I didn’t notice when you took off on yourown. Then, when I realized that you weren’t with her anymore, I went looking for you atthe bookstore I saw in her head. I could tell that you hadn’t gone in, and that you’d gonesouth…and I knew you would have to turn around soon. So I was just waiting for you,randomly searching through the thoughts of people on the street—to see if anyone hadnoticed you so I would know where you were. I had no reason to be worried…but I wasstrangely anxious…” My breath came faster as I remembered that feeling of panic. Herscent blazed in my throat and I was glad. It was a pain that meant she was alive. As longas I burned, she was safe.
　　“I started to drive in circles, still…listening.” I hoped the word made sense to her.
　　This had to be confusing. “The sun was finally setting, and I was about to get out, andfollow you on foot. And then—”
　　As the memory took me—perfectly clear and as vivid as if I was in the momentagain—I felt the same murderous fury wash through my body, locking it into ice.
　　I wanted him dead. I needed him dead. My jaw clenched tight as I concentratedon holding myself here at the table. Bella still needed me. That was what mattered.
　　“Then what?” she whispered, her dark eyes wide.
　　“I heard what they were thinking,” I said through my teeth, unable to keep thewords from coming out in a growl. “I saw your face in his mind.”
　　I could hardly resist the urge to kill. I still knew precisely where to find him. Hisblack thoughts sucked at the night sky, pulling me toward them…I covered my face, knowing my expression was that of a monster, a hunter, akiller. I fixed her image behind my closed eyes to control myself, focusing only on her  Stephenie Meyer face. The delicate framework of her bones, the thin sheath of her pale skin—like silkstretched over glass, incredibly soft and easy to shatter. She was too vulnerable for thisworld. She needed a protector. And, through some twisted mismanagement of destiny, Iwas the closest thing available.
　　I tried to explain my violent reaction so that she would understand.
　　“It was very…hard—you can’t imagine how hard—for me to simply take youaway, and leave them…alive,” I whispered. “I could have let you go with Jessica andAngela, but I was afraid if you left me alone, I would go looking for them.”
　　For the second time tonight, I confessed to an intended murder. At least this onewas defensible.
　　She was quiet as I struggled to control myself. I listened to her heartbeat. Therhythm was irregular, but it slowed as the time passed until it was steady again. Herbreathing, too, was low and even.
　　I was too close to the edge. I needed to get her home before…Would I kill him, then? Would I become a murderer again when she trusted me?
　　Was there any way to stop myself?
　　She’d promised to tell me her latest theory when we were alone. Did I want tohear it? I was anxious for it, but would the reward for my curiosity be worse than notknowing?
　　At any rate, she must have had enough truth for one night.
　　I looked at her again, and her face was paler than before, but composed.
　　“Are you ready to go home?” I asked.
　　“I’m ready to leave,” she said, choosing her words carefully, as if a simple ‘yes’
　　did not fully express what she wanted to say.
　　Frustrating.
　　The waitress returned. She’d heard Bella’s last statement as she’d dithered on theother side of the partition, wondering what more she could offer me. I wanted to roll myeyes at some of the offerings she’d had in mind.
　　“How are we doing?” she asked me.
　　“We’re ready for the check, thank you,” I told her, my eyes on Bella.
　　  The waitress’s breathing spiked and she was momentarily—to use Bella’sphrasing—dazzled by my voice.
　　In a sudden moment of perception, hearing the way my voice sounded in thisinconsequential human’s head, I realized why I seemed to be attracting so muchadmiration tonight—unmarred by the usual fear.
　　It was because of Bella. Trying so hard to be safe for her, to be less frightening,to be human, I truly had lost my edge. The other humans saw only beauty now, with myinnate horror so carefully under control.
　　I looked up at the waitress, waiting for her to recover herself. It was sort ofhumorous, now that I understood the reason.
　　“Sure,” she stuttered. “Here you go.”
　　She handed me the folder with the bill, thinking of the card she’d slid in behindthe receipt. A card with her name and telephone number on it.
　　Yes, it was rather funny.
　　I had money ready again. I gave the folder back at once, so she wouldn’t wasteany time waiting for a call that would never come.
　　“No change,” I told her, hoping the size of the tip would assuage herdisappointment.
　　I stood, and Bella quickly followed suit. I wanted to offer her my hand, but Ithought that might be pushing my luck a little too far for one night. I thanked thewaitress, my eyes never leaving Bella’s face. Bella seemed to be finding somethingamusing, too.
　　We walked out; I walked as close beside her as I dared. Close enough that thewarmth coming off her body was like a physical touch against the left side of my body.
　　As I held the door for her, she sighed quietly, and I wondered what regret made her sad. Istared into her eyes, about to ask, when she suddenly looked at the ground, seemingembarrassed. It made me more curious, even as it made me reluctant to ask. The silencebetween us continued while I opened her door for her and then got into the car.
　　I turned the heater on—the warmer weather had come to an abrupt end; the coldcar must be uncomfortable for her. She huddled in my jacket, a small smile on her lips.
　　  I waited, postponing conversation until the lights of the boardwalk faded. It mademe feel more alone with her.
　　Was that the right thing? Now that I was focused only on her, the car seemedvery small. Her scent swirled through it with the current of the heater, building andstrengthening. It grew into its own force, like another entity in the car. A presence thatdemanded recognition.
　　It had that; I burned. The burning was acceptable, though. It seemed strangelyappropriate to me. I had been given so much tonight—more than I’d expected. And hereshe was, still willingly at my side. I owed something in return for that. A sacrifice. Aburnt offering.
　　Now if I could just keep it to that; just burn, and nothing more. But the venomfilled my mouth, and my muscles tensed in anticipation, as if I were hunting…I had to keep such thoughts from my mind. And I knew what would distract me.
　　“Now,” I said to her, fear of her response taking the edge off the burn. “It’s yourturn.”
　　  9. Theory“Can I ask just one more?” she entreated instead of answering my demand.
　　I was on edge, anxious for the worst. And yet, how tempting it was to prolongthis moment. To have Bella with me, willingly, for just a few seconds longer. I sighed atthe dilemma, and then said, “One.”
　　“Well…,” she hesitated for a moment, as if deciding which question to voice.
　　“You said you knew I hadn’t gone into the bookstore, and that I had gone south. I wasjust wondering how you know that.”
　　I glared out the windshield. Here was another question that revealed nothing onher part, and too much on mine.
　　“I thought we were past all the evasiveness,” she said, her tone critical anddisappointed.
　　How ironic. She was relentlessly evasive, without even trying.
　　Well, she wanted me to be direct. And this conversation wasn’t going anywheregood, regardless.
　　“Fine, then,” I said. “I followed your scent.”
　　I wanted to watch her face, but I was afraid of what I would see. Instead, Ilistened to her breath accelerate and then stabilize. She spoke again after a moment, andher voice was steadier than I would have expected.
　　“And then you didn’t answer one of my first questions…” she said.
　　I looked down at her, frowning. She was stalling, too.
　　“Which one?”
　　“How does it work—the mind reading thing?” she asked, reiterating her questionfrom the restaurant. “Can you read anybody’s mind, anywhere? How do you do it? Canthe rest of your family…?” She trailed off, flushing again.
　　“That’s more than one,” I said.
　　She just looked at me, waiting for her answers.
　　And why not tell her? She’d already guessed most of this, and it was an easiersubject that the one that loomed.
　　  “No, it’s just me. And I can’t hear anyone, anywhere. I have to be fairly close.
　　The more familiar someone’s…‘voice’ is, the farther away I can hear them. But still, nomore than a few miles.” I tried to think of a way to describe it so that she wouldunderstand. An analogy that she could relate to. “It’s a little like being in a huge hallfilled with people, everyone talking at once. It’s just a hum—a buzzing of voices in thebackground. Until I focus on one voice, and then what they’re thinking is clear. Most ofthe time I tune it all out—it can be very distracting. And then it’s easier to seem normal,”
　　—I grimaced— “when I’m not accidentally answering someone’s thoughts rather thantheir words.”
　　“Why do you think you can’t hear me?” she wondered.
　　I gave her another truth and another analogy.
　　“I don’t know,” I admitted. “The only guess I have is that maybe your minddoesn’t work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AMfrequency and I’m only getting FM.”
　　I realized that she would not like this analogy. The anticipation of her reactionhad me smiling. She didn’t disappoint.
　　“My mind doesn’t work right?” she asked, her voice rising with chagrin. “I’m afreak?”
　　Ah, the irony again.
　　“I hear voices in my mind and you’re worried that you’re the freak.” I laughed.
　　She understood all the small things, and yet the big ones she got backwards. Always thewrong instincts…Bella was gnawing on her lip, and the crease between her eyes was etched deep.
　　“Don’t worry,” I reassured her. “It’s just a theory…” And there was a moreimportant theory to be discussed. I was anxious to get it over with. Each passing secondwas beginning to feel more and more like borrowed time.
　　“Which brings us back to you,” I said, divided in two, both anxious and reluctant.
　　She sighed, still chewing her lip—I worried that she would hurt herself. Shestared into my eyes, her face troubled.
　　“Aren’t we past all the evasions now?” I asked quietly.
　　  She looked down, struggling with some internal dilemma. Suddenly, shestiffened and her eyes flew wide open. Fear flashed across her face for the first time.
　　“Holy crow!” she gasped.
　　I panicked. What had she seen? How had I frightened her?
　　Then she shouted, “Slow down!”
　　“What’s wrong?” I didn’t understand where her terror was coming from.

Chapter 10
　　  I was a predator. She was my prey. There was nothing else in the whole worldbut that truth.
　　There was no room full of witnesses—they were already collateral damage in myhead. The mystery of her thoughts was forgotten. Her thoughts meant nothing, for shewould not go on thinking them much longer.
　　I was a vampire, and she had the sweetest blood I’d smelled in eighty years.
　　I hadn’t imagined such a scent could exist. If I’d known it did, I would have gonesearching for it long ago. I would have combed the planet for her. I could imagine thetaste…Thirst burned through my throat like fire. My mouth was baked and desiccated.
　　The fresh flow of venom did nothing to dispel that sensation. My stomach twisted withthe hunger that was an echo of the thirst. My muscles coiled to spring.
　　Not a full second had passed. She was still taking the same step that had put herdownwind from me.
　　As her foot touched the ground, her eyes slid toward me, a movement she clearlymeant to be stealthy. Her glance met mine, and I saw myself reflected in the wide mirrorof her eyes.
　　The shock of the face I saw there saved her life for a few thorny moments.
　　She didn’t make it easier. When she processed the expression on my face, bloodflooded her cheeks again, turning her skin the most delicious color I’d ever seen. Thescent was a thick haze in my brain. I could barely think through it. My thoughts raged,resisting control, incoherent.
　　She walked more quickly now, as if she understood the need to escape. Her hastemade her clumsy—she tripped and stumbled forward, almost falling into the girl seated infront of me. Vulnerable, weak. Even more than usual for a human.
　　I tried to focus on the face I’d seen in her eyes, a face I recognized with revulsion.
　　The face of the monster in me—the face I’d beaten back with decades of effort anduncompromising discipline. How easily it sprang to the surface now!
　　The scent swirled around me again, scattering my thoughts and nearly propellingme out of my seat.
　　No.
　　  My hand gripped under the edge of the table as I tried to hold myself in my chair.
　　The wood was not up to the task. My hand crushed through the strut and came away witha palmful of splintered pulp, leaving the shape of my fingers carved into the remainingwood.
　　Destroy evidence. That was a fundamental rule. I quickly pulverized the edges ofthe shape with my fingertips, leaving nothing but a ragged hole and a pile of shavings onthe floor, which I scattered with my foot.
　　Destroy evidence. Collateral damage….
　　I knew what had to happen now. The girl would have to come sit beside me, andI would have to kill her.
　　The innocent bystanders in this classroom, eighteen other children and one man,could not be allowed to leave this room, having seen what they would soon see.
　　I flinched at the thought of what I must do. Even at my very worst, I had nevercommitted this kind of atrocity. I had never killed innocents, not in over eight decades.
　　And now I planned to slaughter twenty of them at once.
　　The face of the monster in the mirror mocked me.
　　Even as part of me shuddered away from the monster, another part was planningit.
　　If I killed the girl first, I would have only fifteen or twenty seconds with herbefore the humans in the room would react. Maybe a little bit longer, if at first they didnot realize what I was doing. She would not have time to scream or feel pain; I wouldnot kill her cruelly. That much I could give this stranger with her horribly desirableblood.
　　But then I would have to stop them from escaping. I wouldn’t have to worryabout the windows, too high up and small to provide an escape for anyone. Just thedoor—block that and they were trapped.
　　It would be slower and more difficult, trying to take them all down when theywere panicked and scrambling, moving in chaos. Not impossible, but there would bemuch more noise. Time for lots of screaming. Someone would hear…and I’d be forcedto kill even more innocents in this black hour.
　　And her blood would cool, while I murdered the others.
　　  The scent punished me, closing my throat with dry aching…So the witnesses first then.
　　I mapped it out in my head. I was in the middle of the room, the furthest row inthe back. I would take my right side first. I could snap four or five of their necks persecond, I estimated. It would not be noisy. The right side would be the lucky side; theywould not see me coming. Moving around the front and back up the left side, it wouldtake me, at most, five seconds to end every life in this room.
　　Long enough for Bella Swan to see, briefly, what was coming for her. Longenough for her to feel fear. Long enough, maybe, if shock didn’t freeze her in place, forher to work up a scream. One soft scream that would not bring anyone running.
　　I took a deep breath, and the scent was a fire that raced through my dry veins,burning out from my chest to consume every better impulse that I was capable of.
　　She was just turning now. In a few seconds, she would sit down inches awayfrom me.
　　The monster in my head smiled in anticipation.
　　Someone slammed shut a folder on my left. I didn’t look up to see which of thedoomed humans it was. But the motion sent a wave of ordinary, unscented air waftingacross my face.
　　For one short second, I was able to think clearly. In that precious second, I sawtwo faces in my head, side by side.
　　One was mine, or rather had been: the red-eyed monster that had killed so manypeople that I’d stop counting their numbers. Rationalized, justified murders. A killer ofkillers, a killer of other, less powerful monsters. It was a god complex, I acknowledgedthat—deciding who deserved a death sentence. It was a compromise with myself. I hadfed on human blood, but only by the loosest definition. My victims were, in their variousdark pastimes, barely more human than I was.
　　The other face was Carlisle’s.
　　There was no resemblance between the two faces. They were bright day andblackest night.
　　There was no reason for there to be a resemblance. Carlisle was not my father inthe basic biological sense. We shared no common features. The similarity in our coloring was a product of what we were; every vampire had the same ice pale skin. Thesimilarity in the color of our eyes was another matter—a reflection of a mutual choice.
　　And yet, though there was no basis for a resemblance, I’d imagined that my facehad begun to reflect his, to an extent, in the last seventy-odd years that I had embracedhis choice and followed in his steps. My features had not changed, but it seemed to melike some of his wisdom had marked my expression, that a little of his compassion couldbe traced in the shape of my mouth, and hints of his patience were evident on my brow.
　　All those tiny improvements were lost in the face of the monster. In a fewmoments, there would be nothing left in me that would reflect the years I’d spent with mycreator, my mentor, my father in all the ways that counted. My eyes would glow red as adevil’s; all likeness would be lost forever.
　　In my head, Carlisle’s kind eyes did not judge me. I knew that he would forgiveme for this horrible act that I would do. Because he loved me. Because he thought I wasbetter than I was. And he would still love me, even as I now proved him wrong.
　　Bella Swan sat down in the chair next to me, her movements stiff and awkward—with fear?—and the scent of her blood bloomed in an inexorable cloud around me.
　　I would prove my father wrong about me. The misery of this fact hurt almost asmuch as the fire in my throat.
　　I leaned away from her in revulsion—revolted by the monster aching to take her.
　　Why did she have to come here? Why did she have to exist? Why did she haveto ruin the little peace I had in this non-life of mine? Why had this aggravating humanever been born? She would ruin me.
　　I turned my face away from her, as a sudden fierce, unreasoning hatred washedthrough me.
　　Who was this creature? Why me, why now? Why did I have to lose everythingjust because she happened to choose this unlikely town to appear in?
　　Why had she come here!
　　I didn’t want to be the monster! I didn’t want to kill this room full of harmlesschildren! I didn’t want to lose everything I’d gained in a lifetime of sacrifice and denial!
　　I wouldn’t. She couldn’t make me.
　　  The scent was the problem, the hideously appealing scent of her blood. If therewas only some way to resist…if only another gust of fresh air could clear my head.
　　Bella Swan shook out her long, thick, mahogany hair in my direction.
　　Was she insane? It was as if she were encouraging the monster! Taunting him.
　　There was no friendly breeze to blow the smell away from me now. All wouldsoon be lost.
　　No, there was no helpful breeze. But I didn’t have to breathe.
　　I stopped the flow of air through my lungs; the relief was instantaneous, butincomplete. I still had the memory of the scent in my head, the taste of it on the back ofmy tongue. I wouldn’t be able to resist even that for long. But perhaps I could resist foran hour. One hour. Just enough time to get out of this room full of victims, victims thatmaybe didn’t have to be victims. If I could resist for one short hour.
　　It was an uncomfortable feeling, not breathing. My body did not need oxygen,but it went against my instincts. I relied on scent more than my other senses in times ofstress. It led the way in the hunt, it was the first warning in case of danger. I did notoften came across something as dangerous as I was, but self-preservation was just asstrong in my kind as it was in the average human.
　　Uncomfortable, but manageable. More bearable than smelling her and notsinking my teeth through that fine, thin, see-through skin to the hot, wet, pulsing—An hour! Just one hour. I must not think of the scent, the taste.
　　The silent girl kept her hair between us, leaning forward so that it spilled acrossher folder. I couldn’t see her face, to try to read the emotions in her clear, deep eyes.
　　Was this why she’d let her tresses fan out between us? To hide those eyes from me? Outof fear? Shyness? To keep her secrets from me?
　　My former irritation at being stymied by her soundless thoughts was weak andpale in comparison to the need—and the hate—that possessed me now. For I hated thisfrail woman-child beside me, hated her with all the fervor with which I clung to myformer self, my love of my family, my dreams of being something better than what Iwas… Hating her, hating how she made me feel—it helped a little. Yes, the irritation I’dfelt before was weak, but it, too, helped a little. I clung to any emotion that distracted mefrom imagining what she would taste like…  Hate and irritation. Impatience. Would the hour never pass?
　　And when the hour ended… Then she would walk out of this room. And I woulddo what?
　　I could introduce myself. Hello, my name is Edward Cullen. May I walk you toyour next class?
　　She would say yes. It would be the polite thing to do. Even already fearing me,as I suspected she did, she would follow convention and walk beside me. It should beeasy enough to lead her in the wrong direction. A spur of the forest reached out like afinger to touch the back corner of the parking lot. I could tell her I’d forgotten a book inmy car…Would anyone notice that I was the last person she’d been seen with? It wasraining, as usual; two dark raincoats heading the wrong direction wouldn’t pique toomuch interest, or give me away.
　　Except that I was not the only student who was aware of her today—though noone was as blisteringly aware as I was. Mike Newton, in particular, was conscious ofevery shift in her weight as she fidgeted in her chair—she was uncomfortable so close tome, just as anyone would be, just as I’d expected before her scent had destroyed allcharitable concern. Mike Newton would notice if she left the classroom with me.
　　If I could last an hour, could I last two?
　　I flinched at the pain of the burning.
　　She would go home to an empty house. Police Chief Swan worked a full day. Iknew his house, as I knew every house in the tiny town. His home was nestled right upagainst thick woods, with no close neighbors. Even if she had time to scream, which shewould not, there would be no one to hear.
　　That would be the responsible way to deal with this. I’d gone seven decadeswithout human blood. If I held my breath, I could last two hours. And when I had heralone, there would be no chance of anyone else getting hurt. And no reason to rushthrough the experience, the monster in my head agreed.
　　It was sophistry to think that by saving the nineteen humans in this room witheffort and patience, I would be less a monster when I killed this innocent girl.
　　  Though I hated her, I knew my hatred was unjust. I knew that what I really hatedwas myself. And I would hate us both so much more when she was dead.
　　I made it through the hour in this way—imagining the best ways to kill her. Itried to avoid imagining the actual act. That might be too much for me; I might lose thisbattle and end up killing everyone in sight. So I planned strategy, and nothing more. Itcarried me through the hour.
　　Once, toward the very end, she peeked up at me through the fluid wall of her hair.
　　I could feel the unjustified hatred burning out of me as I met her gaze—see the reflectionof it in her frightened eyes. Blood painted her cheek before she could hide in her hairagain, and I was nearly undone.
　　But the bell rang. Saved by the bell—how cliché. We were both saved. She,saved from death. I, saved for just a short time from being the nightmarish creature Ifeared and loathed.
　　I couldn’t walk as slowly as I should as I darted from the room. If anyone hadbeen looking at me, they might have suspected that there was something not right aboutthe way I moved. No one was paying attention to me. All human thoughts still swirledaround the girl who was condemned to die in little more than an hour’s time.
　　I hid in my car.
　　I didn’t like to think of myself having to hide. How cowardly that sounded. Butit was unquestionably the case now.
　　I didn’t have enough discipline left to be around humans now. Focusing so muchof my efforts on not killing one of them left me no resources to resist the others. What awaste that would be. If I were to give in to the monster, I might as well make it worth thedefeat.
　　I played a CD of music that usually calmed me, but it did little for me now. No,what helped most now was the cool, wet, clean air that drifted with the light rain throughmy open windows. Though I could remember the scent of Bella Swan’s blood withperfect clarity, inhaling the clean air was like washing out the inside of my body from itsinfection.
　　I was sane again. I could think again. And I could fight again. I could fightagainst what I didn’t want to be.
　　  I didn’t have to go to her home. I didn’t have to kill her. Obviously, I was arational, thinking creature, and I had a choice. There was always a choice.
　　It hadn’t felt that way in the classroom…but I was away from her now. Perhaps,if I avoided her very, very carefully, there was no need for my life to change. I hadthings ordered the way I liked them now. Why should I let some aggravating anddelicious nobody ruin that?
　　I didn’t have to disappoint my father. I didn’t have to cause my mother stress,worry…pain. Yes, it would hurt my adopted mother, too. And Esme was so gentle, sotender and soft. Causing someone like Esme pain was truly inexcusable.
　　How ironic that I’d wanted to protect this human girl from the paltry, toothlessthreat of Jessica Stanley’s snide thoughts. I was the last person who would ever stand asa protector for Isabella Swan. She would never need protection from anything more thanshe needed it from me.
　　Where was Alice, I suddenly wondered? Hadn’t she seen me killing the Swangirl in a multitude of ways? Why hadn’t she come to help—to stop me or help me cleanup the evidence, whichever? Was she so absorbed with watching for trouble with Jasperthat she’d missed this much more horrific possibility? Was I stronger than I thought?
　　Would I really not have done anything to the girl?
　　No. I knew that wasn’t true. Alice must be concentrating on Jasper very hard.
　　I searched in the direction I knew she would be, in the small building used forEnglish classes. It did not take me long to locate her familiar ‘voice.’ And I was right.
　　Her every thought was turned to Jasper, watching his small choices with minute scrutiny.
　　I wished I could ask her advice, but at the same time, I was glad she didn’t knowwhat I was capable of. That she was unaware of the massacre I had considered in the lasthour.
　　I felt a new burn through my body—the burn of shame. I didn’t want any of themto know.
　　If I could avoid Bella Swan, if I could manage not to kill her—even as I thoughtthat, the monster writhed and gnashed his teeth in frustration—then no one would have toknow. If I could keep away from her scent…  There was no reason why I shouldn’t try, at least. Make a good choice. Try to bewhat Carlisle thought I was.
　　The last hour of school was almost over. I decided to put my new plan into actionat once. Better than sitting here in the parking lot where she might pass me and ruin myattempt. Again, I felt the unjust hatred for the girl. I hated that she had this unconsciouspower over me. That she could make me be something I reviled.
　　I walked swiftly—a little too swiftly, but there were no witnesses—across the tinycampus to the office. There was no reason for Bella Swan to cross paths with me. Shewould be avoided like the plague she was.
　　The office was empty except for the secretary, the one I wanted to see.
　　She didn’t notice my silent entrance.
　　“Mrs. Cope?”
　　The woman with the unnaturally red hair looked up and her eyes widened. Italways caught them off guard, the little markers they didn’t understand, no matter howmany times they’d seen one of us before.
　　“Oh,” she gasped, a little flustered. She smoothed her shirt. Silly, she thought toherself. He’s almost young enough to be my son. Too young to think of that way…“Hello, Edward. What can I do for you?” Her eyelashes fluttered behind her thickglasses.
　　Uncomfortable. But I knew how to be charming when I wanted to be. It waseasy, since I was able to know instantly how any tone or gesture was taken.
　　I leaned forward, meeting her gaze as if I were staring deeply into her depthless,small brown eyes. Her thoughts were already in a flutter. This should be simple.
　　“I was wondering if you could help me with my schedule,” I said in the soft voiceI reserved for not scaring humans.
　　I heard the tempo of her heart increase.
　　“Of course, Edward. How can I help?” Too young, too young, she chanted toherself. Wrong, of course. I was older than her grandfather. But according to mydriver’s license, she was right.
　　“I was wondering if I could move from my biology class to a senior level science?
　　Physics, perhaps?”
　　  “It there a problem with Mr. Banner, Edward?”
　　“Not at all, it’s just that I’ve already studied this material…”
　　“In that accelerated school you all went to in Alaska, right.” Her thin lips pursedas she considered this. They should all be in college. I’ve heard the teachers complain.
　　Perfect four point ohs, never a hesitation with a response, never a wrong answer on atest—like they’ve found some way to cheat in every subject. Mr. Varner would ratherbelieve that anyone was cheating than think a student was smarter than him… I’ll bettheir mother tutors them… “Actually, Edward, physics is pretty much full right now.
　　Mr. Banner hates to have more than twenty-five students in a class—”
　　“I wouldn’t be any trouble.”
　　Of course not. Not a perfect Cullen. “I know that, Edward. But there just aren’tenough seats as it is…”
　　“Could I drop the class, then? I could use the period for independent study.”
　　“Drop biology?” He mouth fell open. That’s crazy. How hard is it to sit througha subject you already know? There must be a problem with Mr. Banner. I wonder if Ishould talk to Bob about it? “You won’t have enough credits to graduate.”
　　“I’ll catch up next year.”
　　“Maybe you should talk to your parents about that.”
　　The door opened behind me, but who ever it was did not think of me, so I ignoredthe arrival and concentrated on Mrs. Cope. I leaned slightly closer, and held my eyes alittle wider. This would work better if they were gold instead of black. The blacknessfrightened people, as it should.
　　“Please, Mrs. Cope?” I made my voice as smooth and compelling as it could be—and it could be considerably compelling. “Isn’t there some other section I could switchto? I’m sure there has to be an open slot somewhere? Sixth hour biology can’t be theonly option…”
　　I smiled at her, careful not to flash my teeth so widely that it would scare her,letting the expression soften my face.
　　Her heart drummed faster. Too young, she reminded herself frantically. “Well,maybe I could talk to Bob—I mean Mr. Banner. I could see if—”
　　  A second was all it took to change everything: the atmosphere in the room, mymission here, the reason I leaned toward the red-haired woman… What had been for onepurpose before was now for another.
　　A second was all it took for Samantha Wells to open the door and place a signedtardy slip in the basket by the door, and hurry out again, in a rush to be away from school.
　　A second was all it took for the sudden gust of wind through the open door to crash intome. A second was all it took for me to realize why that first person through the door hadnot interrupted me with her thoughts.
　　I turned, though I did not need to make sure. I turned slowly, fighting to controlthe muscles that rebelled against me.
　　Bella Swan stood with her back pressed to the wall beside the door, a piece ofpaper clutched in her hands. Her eyes were even wider than usual as she took in myferocious, inhuman glare.
　　The smell of her blood saturated every particle of air in the tiny, hot room. Mythroat burst into flames.
　　The monster glared back at me from the mirror of her eyes again, a mask of evil.
　　My hand hesitated in the air above the counter. I would not have to look back inorder to reach across it and slam Mrs. Cope’s head into her desk with enough force to killher. Two lives, rather than twenty. A trade.
　　The monster waited anxiously, hungrily, for me to do it.
　　But there was always a choice—there had to be.
　　I cut off the motion of my lungs, and fixed Carlisle’s face in front of my eyes. Iturned back to face Mrs. Cope, and heard her internal surprise at the change in myexpression. She shrank away from me, but her fear did not form into coherent words.
　　Using all the control I’d mastered in my decades of self-denial, I made my voiceeven and smooth. There was just enough air left in my lungs to speak once more, rushingthrough the words.
　　“Nevermind, then. I can see that it’s impossible. Thank you so much for yourhelp.”
　　I spun and launched myself from the room, trying not to feel the warm-bloodedheat of the girl’s body as I passed within inches of it.
　　  I didn’t stop until I was in my car, moving too fast the entire way there. Most ofthe humans had cleared out already, so there weren’t a lot of witnesses. I heard asophomore, D.J. Garrett, notice, and then disregard…Where did Cullen come from—it was like he just came out of thin air… There Igo, with the imagination again. Mom always says…When I slid into my Volvo, the others were already there. I tried to control mybreathing, but I was gasping at the fresh air like I’d been suffocated.
　　“Edward?” Alice asked, alarm in her voice.
　　I just shook my head at her.
　　“What the hell happened to you?” Emmett demanded, distracted, for the moment,from the fact that Jasper was not in the mood for his rematch.
　　Instead of answering, I threw the car into reverse. I had to get out of this lotbefore Bella Swan could follow me here, too. My own person demon, haunting me… Iswung the car around and accelerated. I hit forty before I was on the road. On the road, Ihit seventy before I made the corner.
　　Without looking, I knew that Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper had all turned to stare atAlice. She shrugged. She couldn’t see what had passed, only what was coming.
　　She looked ahead for me now. We both processed what she saw in her head, andwe were both surprised.
　　“You’re leaving?” she whispered.
　　The others stared at me now.
　　“Am I?” I hissed through my teeth.
　　She saw it then, as my resolve wavered and another choice spun my future in adarker direction.
　　“Oh.”
　　Bella Swan, dead. My eyes, glowing crimson with fresh blood. The search thatwould follow. The careful time we would wait before it was safe for us to pull out andstart again…“Oh,” she said again. The picture grew more specific. I saw the inside of ChiefSwan’s house for the first time, saw Bella in a small kitchen with the yellow cupboards,her back to me as I stalked her from the shadows…let the scent pull me toward her…  “Stop!” I groaned, not able to bear more.
　　“Sorry,” she whispered, her eyes wide.
　　The monster rejoiced.
　　And the vision in her head shifted again. An empty highway at night, the treesbeside it coated in snow, flashing by at almost two hundred miles per hour.
　　“I’ll miss you,” she said. “No matter how short a time you’re gone.”
　　Emmett and Rosalie exchanged an apprehensive glance.
　　We were almost to the turn off onto the long drive that led to our home.
　　“Drop us here,” Alice instructed. “You should tell Carlisle yourself.”
　　I nodded, and the car squealed to a sudden stop.
　　Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper got out in silence; they would make Alice explainwhen I was gone. Alice touched my shoulder.
　　“You will do the right thing,” she murmured. Not a vision this time—an order.
　　“She’s Charlie Swan’s only family. It would kill him, too.”
　　“Yes,” I said, agreeing only with the last part.
　　She slid out to join the others, her eyebrows pulling together in anxiety. Theymelted into woods, out of sight before I could turn the car around.
　　I accelerated back toward town, and I knew the visions in Alice’s head would beflashing from dark to bright like a strobe light. As I sped back to Forks doing ninety, Iwasn’t sure where I was going. To say goodbye to my father? Or to embrace themonster inside me? The road flew away beneath my tires.　　我是一个吸血鬼，而她的血是我这八十年来闻到过的最甜美的。
　　我从未想过会有这种香气存在。如果我知道的话，我会在很久以前就开始寻找她。我会为她搜遍整个地球。我能想像它的味道……干渴自我的喉咙升起，就像一团火。我的嘴巴快被烤焦了。我的胃因干渴而变得异常饥饿。
　　我的肌肉鼓起。
　　一秒钟还没有过去，她还是踩着同样的步伐顺着风向朝我走来。
　　当她走过来时，她的眼睛瞟向我，悄悄地看了我一眼。她接触到我的视线，她那双大眼睛如明镜一般映射出我的样子。
　　这张脸使我震惊，也让她多活了一些时候。
　　她没有让事态缓和。当她看到我脸上的表情时，血色再一次涌上她的脸颊，使她的肌肤转变为一种最可口的颜色。她的香气像浓雾一样笼罩着我的大脑。我几乎无法思考。我的大脑在狂怒，在反抗理智的约束，我已经晕头转向了。
　　她现在走得更快了一点，好像意识到需要躲避什么似的，她的匆忙让她变得笨手笨脚的——她被什么东西绊倒了，几乎撞到坐在我前面的女孩身上。容易受伤，脆弱，对人类来说再普通不过了。
　　我竭力将注意力集中在她眼中那张脸孔上，那张令我强烈反感的脸孔。那张我体内的魔鬼的脸孔——我用几十年的努力和坚定的锻炼来将它击垮。现在竟然那么容易就浮出水面！
　　那股香气再度包围着我。它分散了我的想法，几乎将我推出座位。
　　不。
　　我的手紧紧地抓住桌子边缘，竭力想把自己稳在座位上。木头没有起到什么作用。我的手已经揉进支柱里，带出满满一捧碎木屑，剩下的木头留下了我手指的形状。
　　消灭证据。这是一个最基本的法则。我迅速将留下我手指形状的木头弄碎，让它仅留下一个凹凸不平的小洞，让木屑洒在地板上，用脚踩碎。
　　 消灭证据。间接杀害……我知道接下来将发生什么。那女孩会过来坐到我身旁，而我将杀死她。
　　而教室里那些无辜的人，十八个孩子和一个男人，当他们看到即将发生的这一切时，将不能活着离开这里。
　　一想到我即将要做的事情，我畏缩了。即使在最恶劣的情况下，我也从来没有允许过这样的暴行。在过去八十年里，我从来没有杀过一个无辜的人。而我现在正计划着要一下子屠杀二十个。
　　镜中魔鬼的脸孔在嘲弄我。
　　我体内的一部分颤抖着远离那个魔鬼，然而另一部分却在冷静地谋划着。
　　如果我先把这女孩干掉，我只有十五到二十秒钟的时间这么做，直到这房间里的人反应过来。
　　或者时间能更长一点，如果一开始他们没有意识到我在干什么的话。她应该没有时间尖叫或感到痛苦，我不会残忍地杀死她。看在她那令人发疯的血的份上，我能施舍给这个陌生女孩的慈悲就只有这么多了。
　　然后我必须阻止他们逃跑。我用不着担心那些窗户，它们太高太小了，他们无法从那里逃脱。
　　只有那扇门——堵住它，就能把他们都困住。
　　当他们开始因恐慌而尖叫，四散逃亡时，要把他们全部干掉会变得缓慢、困难。虽然不太可能，不过还是会有响声。这么多尖叫声，一定会被听见的……那么我将不得不杀死更多无辜的人。
　　当我在谋杀其他人的时候，她的血早就变冷了。
　　那么就先从目击者开始。
　　我在脑子里筹划着。我坐在教室的正中间，后面最远的一行。我可以先从我的左边开始。我估计，我可以在一秒钟内拧断四到五个人的脖子。那不会很吵。左边的人是幸运的，他们不会看到我接近。再前后移动，来到右边，这最多花费我五秒钟的时间就能结束这房间里的所有生命。
　　这么长的时间，足以令贝拉?斯旺明白，即将发生在她身上的事。足以令她感到恐惧。让她吓得僵在座位上，叫不出声来。一个微弱的尖叫不足以让她逃跑。
　　我深深地吸了口气。香味就像一团火焰迅速掠过我干渴的身体，从我胸膛焚烧，销毁一切我凭冲动想到的念头。
　　她这会儿正在拐弯处，在几秒钟内，她将紧挨着我坐下。
　　我脑子里的魔鬼正满怀期待地冲我微笑。
　　我右边的某个人砰地合上文件夹。我没有去看是哪一个在劫难逃的人。但是这个举动带来一阵风，一股普通的，不带香气的气流，吹过我的脸。
　　在这极其短暂的一秒钟内，我能够思考了。在这弥足珍贵的一秒钟里，我看到在我脑海中并排出现的两张脸。
　　一张是我的脸孔，确切地说是过去那个我的：一个曾经杀人无数的红眼睛的魔鬼。为杀人寻找正当理由。一个杀害凶手的杀人魔，一个杀害其他那些更弱一点的魔鬼的魔鬼。这是上帝的旨意，我这样欺骗自己——决定谁应该接受死亡判决。这是一种自我妥协。我以吸食人类的鲜血为生，我的受害者们，就他们各种各样的邪恶过往来看，并不比我更像一个人。
　　另一张是卡莱尔的脸。
　　这两张脸毫无相似之处。恍若白天和黑夜。
　　它们也没有理由相似。从血缘上说，卡莱尔并不是我的生父。我们长得一点儿也不像。我们相似的肤色仅仅因为我们是同类，每个吸血鬼都有着冰冷而苍白的皮肤。我们相同颜色的眼睛是另外一个结果——一个共同的选择的映射。
　　 尽管我们并没有相似的基础，我曾想像自己的脸庞在某种程度上映射出他的脸，在过去的七十余年里，我一直信奉他的选择，紧随他的脚步。我的相貌并没有改变，不过我似乎有那么一点点像他了，他的智慧似乎有那么一丁点儿呈现在我的表情上，他的怜悯之心能在我的嘴角发现，他的坚忍清晰地镌刻在我的眉宇之间。
　　在这张魔鬼的脸孔面前，所有细微的改善都丢失殆尽。就在短短的一瞬间，这一切都将消失殆尽，我在过去几十年里同我的创造者，我的良师，我的父亲所做的一切努力，都将付之东流。我的眼睛会变得血红，就像一个恶魔，所有的相似之处将永远丢失。
　　在我的脑子里，卡莱尔善良的眼睛并没有审判我。我知道他会原谅我，即使在我做下这种可怕的事后。因为他爱我。因为他认为我会比原来更好。他会仍然爱我的，即使我证明他的看法是错的。
　　贝拉?斯旺在我旁边坐下，她的动作僵硬而笨拙——她在害怕吗？——她血液里散发出来的香气像不可阻挡的云一样笼罩着我。
　　我将证明父亲对我的看法是错误的，这一事实所带来的痛苦，几乎和我喉咙里燃烧的火焰一样强烈。
　　我带着强烈的反感远离她——反抗体内渴求着她的魔鬼。
　　为什么她要到这儿来？为什么她要存在？为什么她要毁掉我人生中仅有的一点点的平和？为什么这样的人会被生下来？她会毁了我。
　　我转过脸去背对她，一股突如其来的，强烈的，非理性的憎恨袭遍我全身。
　　为什么是我，为什么是现在？为什么我不得不失去所有的一切，仅仅是因为她恰好选择出现在这个不幸的小镇上？
　　为什么她要到这儿来？
　　我不想成为魔鬼！我不想杀掉这房间里所有手无寸铁的孩子！我不想失去我用牺牲和否定换来的一切。
　　我不能这么做。她不能让我这么做。
　　那股香气是一道难题，她血液所散发的香气，诱人到令人恐惧。如果这里有什么办法抵挡……如果能再刮来一阵巨风，让新鲜空气使我脑子清醒过来。
　　贝拉?斯旺把她那头长长的，浓密的，红褐色的头发朝我那边晃了晃。
　　她疯了吗？她这么做简直就像是在鼓动那个魔鬼！在嘲弄他！
　　这会儿并没有什么好心肠的风帮我将那股香气吹散。很快一切即将失控。
　　不，这里没有风帮忙。不过我可以停止呼吸。
　　我阻止空气流进我的肺部，痛苦暂时得到了缓解，不过还不完全。我的脑子里还留有她香气的记忆，我的舌根还残留着那股味道。我坚持不了多久。不过也许可以坚持一小时。一小时，这段时间足以让这些受害者全部离开房间，那么也许他们就用不着死。如果我能坚持短短的一个小时。
　　不呼吸，会让人感到不舒服。我的身体不需要氧气，但这么做违背了我的本能。在我感觉到压力时，我依赖嗅觉更甚于我的其他感官。我在捕猎的时候就是这么做的，万一遇到危险，嗅觉能最先向我提出警告。我很少遇到像我一样危险的生物，不过我们族类的自我保护本能就像一般人类那样强大。
　　不舒服，但还能办得到。我可以忍住不去呼吸她的香气，不让我的毒牙穿过那纤细、单薄、半透明的肌肤，咬进那炽热的、潮湿的、脉动的——一个小时，仅仅是一个小时，我不能去想她的香气，她的味道……这个安静的女孩把她的头发垂落在我们中间，她的身子向前倾，这样她披散开来的头发就垂落到了文件夹上。我看不见她的脸，无法从她清澈、深邃的眼睛里读出她的情绪。她为什么 要用这种方式隔开我们？为了阻挡我的目光吗？是害怕？是害羞？还是想对我隐藏她的秘密？
　　相比之下，她沉默的思想带给我的恼怒已经变得微乎其微了——憎恨——现在正蔓延我的全身。因为我恨这个坐在我身旁的小女孩，我强烈地憎恨着她，带着那个对从前的我，对我家人的爱，带着我希望能够变得更好的梦想。憎恨她，恨她带给我的一切——这多少有点帮助。
　　我之前的恼怒已经变得微弱了，不过，也有一点帮助。我紧抓住任何能够制止我的感情，阻止我去想像她品尝起来会是怎样的滋味……憎恨，恼怒，焦躁。这一个小时是不是永远都不会过去了？
　　当这一小时过去后，她将走出课室，我该怎么做？
　　我可以介绍我自己。（你好，我叫爱德华?卡伦，我可以送你去上下一节课吗？）出于礼貌，她将会答应。尽管我猜我已经吓到她了，不过出于一般礼节，她还是会跟我走的。
　　把她带到一个错误的方向是很容易办到的。停车场的后面就是一片郁郁葱葱的森林。我可以告诉她我把一本书忘在车里了……有人会留意到我是最后一个跟她在一起的人吗？像往常一样，现在正下着雨，两道走向错误方向的穿黑色雨衣的身影并不会引起人们的注意，但或者我会被告发。
　　我并不是今天唯一一个留意她的学生——虽然没有人像我这样狂热地在意。特别是麦克?牛顿，当她在座位上坐立不安时，他正密切留意着她的一举一动——和我在一起让她感到不舒服，就像其他人一样，就像我本来预期的那样，直到她的香气将我所有的仁慈摧毁。如果我和她一起离开课室，麦克?牛顿会留意到的。
　　如果我能够经受住一个小时，那么两个小时呢？
　　那烧灼全身的痛苦让我畏缩。
　　她将回到那个空无一人的家。斯旺警长会工作一整天。我知道他的房子在哪儿，我知道这个小镇上每一户人家。他的房子紧挨着一片茂密的树林，周围没有邻居。即使她有时间发出尖叫，也没有人会听见。
　　这是一种最负责任的做法。我已经七十年没有吸过人类的血了。如果我停止呼吸，我可以坚持两个小时。而一旦我和她单独相处，有人一定会受伤害。而且没有理由让这种体验匆匆结束，我脑子里的魔鬼也表示同意。
　　用努力和忍耐来挽救这房间里的十九条人命的想法只是一种诡辩，如果我只是杀掉这个无辜的女孩，我也许可以不那么像一个魔鬼。
　　尽管我恨她，可我知道我的仇恨是不公正的。我知道我真正恨的人是我自己。而她死后，这种对我们俩的憎恨会更甚。
　　我用这种办法熬过这个小时——想像怎么杀她才是最好的。我竭力避免想像真实的行动。这也许已经超过了我的能力所及，我也许将输掉这场战争，最终杀掉视线里的每一个人。所以我计划策略，除此之外，再没有什么可做了。这帮我熬过了那一个小时。
　　曾经有一次，就在这一小时快要结束的时候，她透过她那瀑布般的长发，偷偷看了我一眼。
　　当我接触到她的目光时，我能感觉到那股不公正的憎恨焚烧我的身体——看到她那受惊的眼睛里的映像。在她把脸躲进头发后面时，她的脸颊升起了两团粉红的血色，我快要崩溃了。
　　然而下课铃响了。铃声救了我们——多么及时！我们都获救了。她，从死亡中获救，我也获救了，在短时间内，我不必成为我所恐惧和憎恨的恶梦般的生物。
　　我冲出课室，我没办法像正常人一样走出去，如果这时碰巧有谁看见我，他们也许会对我异乎寻常的移动方式起疑心。没有人留意我。所有人的思想还在绕着那个女孩，那个在过去一小时里几乎被处死的女孩转。
　　我躲进我的车里。
　　 我不喜欢躲进车里这个想法。这听起来多么怯懦！然而现在的情况正是如此。
　　我现在还不能待在人群中。我必须集中全部的努力去避免杀害他们中的那一个，这让我再没有精力去顾及其他人了。那样做有多么浪费啊。如果我打算向魔鬼投降的话，至少我也应该让自己输得值得。
　　我播放了一张CD，这通常都能让我平静下来，不过现在没什么用。不，我现在最需要的是从车窗外随着细雨飘进来的凉快、潮湿、纯净的空气。尽管我还是能够准确无误地记住贝拉?
　　斯旺血液的香气，吸入新鲜空气就好像洗刷着我的身体一样，让我能够逃离那香气的影响。
　　我的理智恢复正常了。我又能思考了。如果我能再度战斗，我将和我不想成为的东西战斗。
　　我不一定要到她家去。我不一定要杀死她。显然，我是一个有理性、有思想的生物，我可以选择。我们总是可以选择的。
　　在课室里我不是这么想的……不过现在我离开了她。或许，如果我能非常非常小心地躲开她，我的生活就不需要被改变。我现在喜欢上我之前井然有序的生活了。为什么我要让某个恼人的、美味的小人物毁了它呢？
　　我不一定要让我的父亲失望。我不一定要让我的母亲紧张、担心、痛苦……是的，这也会伤害我的养母。爱斯梅是那么的温柔、脆弱、善良。让爱斯梅痛苦是不可原谅的。
　　这是多么荒谬啊，我还想保护这个人类女孩远离杰西卡?史丹利的卑鄙想法。我是最有资格保护伊莎贝拉?斯旺的最后一人。她最需要得到的就是我的保护。
　　我突然想知道爱丽丝在哪里。她是否预见过我可能会在大庭广众下杀死贝拉?斯旺？为什么她不来帮我——阻止我或者帮我毁尸灭迹？她是不是太过专注于贾斯帕，以致漏掉了这可能发生的更骇人的事？我是不是比我想象的要更坚强？我是不是不会真的对这女孩做什么？
　　不，我想那不是真的。爱丽丝一定是太过专注于贾斯帕了。
　　我知道她会在哪儿，我朝她那个方向搜寻，她在那座小楼里上英语课。我没花多少时间就找到了她熟悉的“声音”。我猜对了。她每一个念头都在围着贾斯帕转，检测他在每一分钟里所作的每一个选择。
　　我希望能得到她的忠告，不过与此同时，我又为此感到高兴，她不知道我刚刚经历的事。她并不知道我在那一个小时里企图策划的一场大屠杀。
　　一团新的火焰燃烧我的身体——一团羞愧的火焰。我不想他们中任何人知道这件事。
　　如果我能避开贝拉?斯旺，如果我能够不杀死她——尽管我很想这么做，我体内的魔鬼正因受挫而痛苦扭曲，咬牙切齿——那么就没有人会知道此事。如果我能够远离她的香气。
　　至少，我没有理由不这么做。作出一个更好的选择。努力成为卡莱尔所期待的那个我。
　　在学校的最后一个小时快要过去了。我决定将我的计划马上付诸行动。总比呆在停车场好，她可能会经过我身旁，毁掉我的努力。我再次感觉到自己对那女孩的不公正的憎恨。
　　我走得很快——也许太快了一点，不过这里没人看见——我穿过校园来到办公室。贝拉?斯旺没有理由会在这里和我不期而遇。她应该躲开我，就像躲避瘟疫一样。
　　办公室里除了秘书外没有别人，我要找的正是她。
　　她没有留意到我悄悄走进来。
　　“柯普太太？”
　　这妇女有一头不自然的红发，她抬起头，睁大了眼睛。一些他们无法了解的细微迹象总是令他们措手不及，不管他们之前从我们那见过多少次……“噢，”她喘了口气，有点慌乱。她抚平她的衬衫。（别傻了，）她在心里自言自语，（他小得够当我儿子了，太小了，实在不该那样想，）“你好，爱德华。有什么事吗？”她的睫毛在厚厚的镜片后紧张地巴眨着。
　　这令我不自在。不过我知道怎样可以让我变得更有魅力，当我需要它的时候。这很容易，因为我的本能会告诉我怎样的语气和姿势能起作用。
　　 我把身子向前挨过去，和她目光相遇，就好像我正深深地凝视着她那双细小的褐色眼睛。她已经有点心烦意乱了。这太简单了。
　　“我想知道您是不是可以帮忙看一下我的课程表。”我用一种轻柔的不会惊吓住人们的语气说道。
　　我听到她正心跳加速。
　　“当然可以，爱德华。我能帮上什么忙吗？”（太小了，太小了，）她在心里反复念叨，错了，这是当然的。我比她的祖父还老。不过从我的驾驶证来看，她说得没错。
　　“我想知道我是不是可以把我的生物课调整为一个高年级的科目，比如说物理？”
　　“班纳先生有什么问题吗，爱德华？”
　　“不，只是这一科我已经学过了……”
　　“你在阿拉斯加的学校已经提前学过了，噢，”她舔了舔薄嘴唇，考虑着。（他们都应该去读大学。我听到那些老师抱怨，完美的四分，哦，回答问题时从不犹豫，测验时从来不会给错答案——就好像他们用同样的方法在每一科都作弊似的。瓦纳先生宁愿相信所有人都作弊，也不愿相信有学生会比他聪明。我敢打赌他们的母亲一定为他们请了家教……）“爱德华，实际上，现在物理课差不多都满员了。班纳先生不喜欢一个班里超过二十五个学生——”
　　“我不会惹麻烦的。”
　　（当然不会，多么完美无暇的卡伦。）“我知道，爱德华，不过那里实在没有多余的位子了”
　　“那么，我能不能当掉这科？我可以用其他科目的学分代替。”
　　“当掉生物？”她张开嘴巴，（这太疯狂了，耐着性子上完你已经学过的科目有那么难吗？班纳先生一定是出了什么问题，我是不是该和鲍勃谈谈这件事？）“这会影响你毕业的。”
　　“我明年可以补修。”
　　“也许你该和你父母谈谈。”
　　我身后的门被推开了，不过在那里的人没有想到我，所以我没有理会那个进来的人，把注意力集中在柯普太太身上。我把身子再往前倾一点，把我的眼睛张得更大一点。如果我的眼睛是金色而非黑色的话，效果会更好。黑色可能会让人们感到害怕。
　　“求你了，柯普太太。”我尽量让自己的声音平稳，使它更容易被人接受——它应该会被接受。
　　“还有什么科目是我可以选修的吗？我想一定还有其他空缺。六小时的生物课肯定不是唯一的选择”
　　我冲她微笑，小心地不让我的牙齿露出来，那只会吓住她，我让我脸部表情变得更柔和。
　　她的心跳得更快了。（太小了，）她不得不疯狂提醒自己，“好吧，也许我可以和鲍勃谈谈——我是说班纳先生，我可以看看是不是——”
　　一秒钟，一切都变了：房间里的空气，我到这儿来的任务，我屈身倾向那个红发女人的理由……一秒钟的时间，莎曼纱?韦尔士推开门，将一张纸条放进门边的篮子里，又匆忙离开，急急忙忙走出学校。一秒钟的时间，一股猛烈的风突然从敞开的门外刮进来，吹向我。我花了一秒钟的时间才意识到为什么第一个从门外进来的人没有用他的思想打扰我。
　　我转过身去，尽管我不需要这样确认。我缓缓地转过身去，极力想控制住反抗我的肌肉。
　　贝拉?斯旺贴着墙壁站在门边，她手里拿着一张纸。当她接触到我凶残而冰冷的目光时，她的眼睛睁得比平时更大了。
　　在这个温暖的小房间里，她血液的香气充满了每一个角落。我的喉咙快被火烧着了。
　　她眼睛里映射出来的魔鬼正愤怒地盯我，带着一副邪恶的面具。
　　我的手放在长柜台上，犹豫不决。我没有回头看，为的是不让自己伸出手臂，用大得足够杀死她的力气，将柯普太太的脑袋扣在桌子上。与其杀死二十个，倒不如杀死两个，这笔交易很公平。
　　 魔鬼焦躁而饥渴地等待着，等着我这么做……总是可以选择的——一定可以选择。
　　我迅速切断呼吸，把卡莱尔的脸紧紧固定在我的眼前。我转身面对柯普太太，听到她心里正为我骤然改变的表现惊讶不已。她在我面前瑟缩了，不过她还没有清楚意识到自己的恐惧。
　　我用尽了我在过去几十年里以自我牺牲换来的自控力，让自己的声音变得更平稳了。我的肺里还留有足够的空气，让我能把话说完，让我挤出这些词语。
　　“没关系。我看得出这是不可能的了，谢谢你的帮忙。”
　　我离开那间房子，努力不去感觉那女孩身体里温暖血液的热度。
　　我不敢停下来，直到我上了车，我实在走得太快了。现在大部分人都已经回家了，所以这里没有什么人。我听到一个二年级学生DJ?加勒特留意到了我，我置之不理。
　　（卡伦是怎么冒出来的——简直就像凭空出现一样……我又来了，又再胡思乱想了，妈妈总是说……）当我钻进我的沃尔沃时，其他人已经等在那里了。我试图控制我的呼吸，不过我为那新鲜空气感到震惊，就像自己快被闷死一样。
　　“爱德华？”爱丽丝的声音有点恐慌。
　　我只能对她摇摇头。
　　“你怎么啦？”爱美特询问道，这会儿他正烦恼着呢，因为贾斯帕暂时还没有心情跟他再来一次比赛。
　　我没有回话，将车子掉了个头。我必须在贝拉?斯旺尾随而来之前离开这个地方。我体内的魔鬼还在虎视眈眈，我猛地将车拐了个弯，然后加速。在我开上公路前我把车速加到了四十公里。车子上了公路，我在拐弯的时候把速度加到七十。
　　不用看，我也知道爱美特、罗莎莉和贾斯帕都把头转向爱丽丝，看着她。她耸耸肩，她看不到已经发生的事情，只能看到即将发生的。
　　她朝前看向我。我们都在加工她脑子里所见到的景象，我俩都为此感到吃惊。
　　“你要离开了吗？”她低语。
　　其余的人现在正盯着我。
　　“我非走不可吗？”我从牙齿里发出嘘声。
　　她接着看下去，当我还在犹豫不决时，另一种选择将把我的未来引向一个更黑暗的方向。
　　“喔！”
　　贝拉?斯旺，死了。我的眼睛被鲜血染得通红。紧接着将展开搜查。我们必须小心翼翼地等待，直到我们可以从这里安全脱身，再重新开始。
　　“喔！”她再次说道。画面变得更加清晰了。我最先看见的是斯旺警长家的室内，看见贝拉正在一个有着黄色橱柜的小厨房里，她背对我，而我正从阴暗处偷偷靠近她……香气诱使我靠近她……“停下来！”我呻吟着，再也受不了了。
　　“对不起。”她低语，张开了眼睛。
　　魔鬼正欣喜若狂。
　　她脑子里的图像转变了。夜里一条空荡荡的高速公路上，我的车以接近两百公里的时速经过，两旁的树木被白雪覆盖着，闪烁着银色光芒。
　　“我会想念你的，”她说，“就算你只是离开一小会儿。”
　　爱美特和罗莎莉彼此交换了一个会心的目光。
　　我们快要到达通向我们家的那条长路的拐弯处了。
　　“在这儿把我们放下吧。”爱丽丝命令我，“你该亲自告诉卡莱尔。”
　　 我点点头，车子发出尖锐的叫声，猛地停住了。
　　爱美特、罗莎莉和贾斯帕安静地下了车，我走了以后他们会让爱丽丝解释清楚的。爱丽丝拍了拍我的肩膀。
　　“你会做正确的事。”她嘟哝着。这次不是幻像——是一个叮嘱。“她是斯旺警长唯一的亲人。
　　那么做也会要他的命的。”
　　“是的。”我说道，仅仅同意她后面那句话。
　　她从车里滑出来，和其他人站起一起，她的眉毛因焦虑而卷成一团。他们逐渐融入树林，直到再也看不见了，我才把车掉了个头。
　　我加快速度驶回小镇，我知道爱丽丝脑中的幻象将从暗变亮，就像闪光灯一样。当我把车速加到九十公里回到福克斯时，我依然不确定自己该去哪里。去和我的父亲说再见？还是拥抱我体内的魔鬼？在我的车轮下，公路延伸向远方。
Chapter 11 Interrogations
    CNN broke the story first.
　　I was glad it hit the news before I had to leave for school, anxious to hear how thehumans would phrase the account, and what amount of attention it would garner.
　　Luckily, it was a heavy news day. There was an earthquake in South America and apolitical kidnapping in the Middle East. So it ended up only earning a few seconds, 
a fewsentences, and one grainy picture.
　　“Alonzo Calderas Wallace, suspected serial rapist and murderer wanted in thestates of Texas and Oklahoma, was apprehended last night in Portland, Oregon thanks 
toan anonymous tip. Wallace was found unconscious in an alley early this morning, just afew yards from a police station. Officials are unable to tell us at this time 
whether he willbe extradited to Houston or Oklahoma City to stand trial.”
　　The picture was unclear, a mug shot, and he’d had a thick beard at the time of thephotograph. Even if Bella saw it, she would probably not recognize him. I hoped 
shewouldn’t; it would make her afraid needlessly.
　　“The coverage here in town will be light. It’s too far away to be considered oflocal interest,” Alice told me. “It was a good call to have Carlisle take him out 
of state.”
　　I nodded. Bella didn’t watch much TV regardless, and I’d never seen her fatherwatching anything besides sports channels.
　　I’d done what I could. This monster no longer hunted, and I was not a murderer.
　　Not recently, anyway. I’d been right to trust Carlisle, as much as I still wished themonster had not gotten off quite so easily. I caught myself hoping he would be 
extraditedto Texas, where the death penalty was so popular…No. That didn’t matter. I would put this behind me, and concentrate on what wasmost important.
　　I’d left Bella’s room less than an hour ago. I was already aching to see her again.
　　“Alice, do you mind—”
　　She cut me off. “Rosalie will drive. She’ll act pissed, but you know she’ll enjoythe excuse to show off her car.” Alice trilled a laugh.
　　  I grinned at her. “See you at school.”
　　Alice sighed, and my grin became a grimace.
　　I know, I know, she thought. Not yet. I’ll wait until you’re ready for Bella toknow me. You should know, though, this isn’t just me being selfish. Bella’s going 
to likeme, too.
　　I didn’t answer her as I hurried out the door. That was a different way of viewingthe situation. Would Bella want to know Alice? To have a vampire for a 
girlfriend?
　　Knowing Bella…that idea probably wouldn’t bother her in the slightest.
　　I frowned to myself. What Bella wanted and what was best for Bella were twovery separate things.
　　I started to feel uneasy as I parked my car in Bella’s driveway. The human adagesaid that things looked different in the morning—that things changed when you 
slept onthem. Would I look different to Bella in the weak light of a foggy day? More sinister orless sinister than I had in the blackness of night? Had the truth sunk 
in while she slept?
　　Would she finally be afraid?
　　Her dreams had been peaceful, though, last night. When she’d spoken my name,time and time again, she’d smiled. More than once she’d murmured a plea for me to 
stay.
　　Would that mean nothing today?
　　I waited nervously, listening to the sounds of her inside the house—the fast,stumbling footsteps on the stairs, the sharp rip of a foil wrapper, the contents of 
therefrigerator crashing against each other when the door slammed. It sounded like she wasin a hurry. Anxious to get to school? The thought made me smile, hopeful 
again.
　　I looked at the clock. I supposed that—taking in account the velocity her decrepittruck must limit her to—she was running a little late.
　　Bella rushed out of the house, her book bag sliding off her shoulder, her haircoiled into a messy twist that was already coming apart on the nape of her neck. 
Thethick green sweater she wore was not enough to keep her thin shoulders from hunchingagainst the cold fog.
　　The long sweater was too big for her, unflattering. It masked her slender figure,turning all her delicate curves and soft lines into a shapeless jumble. I 
appreciated thisalmost as much as I wished that she had worn something more like the soft blue blouse  she’d worn last night…the fabric had clung to her skin in such 
an appealing way, cut lowenough to reveal the mesmerizing way her collar bones curled away from the hollowbeneath her throat. The blue had flowed like water along the 
subtle shape of her body…It was better—essential—that I kept my thoughts far, far away from that shape, soI was grateful to the unbecoming sweater she wore. I couldn
’t afford to make mistakes,and it would be a monumental mistake to dwell on the strange hungers that thoughts ofher lips…her skin…her body…were shaking loose inside 
of me. Hungers that hadevaded me for a hundred years. But I could not allow myself to think of touching her,because that was impossible.
　　I would break her.
　　Bella turned away from the door, in such a hurry that she nearly ran right by mycar without noticing it.
　　Then she skidded to a stop, her knees locking like a startled colt’s. Her bag slidfurther down her arm, and her eyes flew wide as they focused on the car.
　　I got out, taking no care to move at human speed, and opened the passenger doorfor her. I would not try to deceive her anymore—when we were alone, at least, I 
wouldbe myself.
　　She looked up at me, startled again as I seemingly materialized out of the fog.
　　And then the surprise in her eyes changed to something else, and I was no longer afraid—or hopeful—that her feelings for me had changed in the course of the 
night. Warmth,wonder, fascination, all swimming in the melted chocolate of her eyes.
　　“Do you want to ride with me today?” I asked. Unlike dinner last night, I wouldlet her choose. From now on, it must always be her choice.
　　“Yes, thank you,” she murmured, climbing into my car without hesitation.
　　Would it ever cease to thrill me, that I was the one she was saying yes to? Idoubted it.
　　I flashed around the car, eager to join her. She showed no sign of being shockedby my sudden reappearance.
　　The happiness I felt when she sat beside me this way had no precedent. As muchas I enjoyed the love and companionship of my family, despite the various 
entertainmentsand distractions the world had to offer, I had never been happy like this. Even knowing  that it was wrong, that this couldn’t possibly end well, could 
not keep the smile from myface for long.
　　My jacket was folded over the headrest of her seat. I saw her eyeing it.
　　“I brought the jacket for you,” I told her. This was my excuse, had I needed toprovide one, for showing up uninvited this morning. It was cold. She had no jacket.
　　Surely this was an acceptable form of chivalry. “I didn’t want you to get sick orsomething.”
　　“I’m not quite that delicate,” she said, staring at my chest rather than my face, asif she were hesitant to meet my eyes. But she put the coat on before I had to 
resort tocommanding or coaxing.
　　“Aren’t you?” I muttered to myself.
　　She stared out at the road as I accelerated toward the school. I could only standthe silence for a few seconds. I had to know what her thoughts were this morning. 
Somuch had changed between us since the last time the sun was up.
　　“What, no twenty questions today?” I asked, keeping it light again.
　　She smiled, seeming glad that I’d broached the subject. “Do my questions botheryou?”
　　“Not as much as your reactions do,” I told her honestly, smiling in response to hersmile.
　　Her mouth turned down. “Do I react badly?”
　　“No, that’s the problem. You take everything so coolly—it’s unnatural.” Not onescream so far. How could that be? “It makes me wonder what you’re really 
thinking.”
　　Of course, everything she did or didn’t do made me wonder that.
　　“I always tell you what I’m really thinking.”
　　“You edit.”
　　Her teeth pressed into her lip again. She didn’t seem to notice when she didthis—it was an unconscious response to tension. “Not very much.”
　　Just those words were enough to have my curiosity raging. What did shepurposefully keep from me?
　　“Enough to drive me insane,” I said.
　　She hesitated, and then whispered, “You don’t want to hear it.”
　　  I had to think for a moment, run through our entire conversation last night, wordfor word, before I made the connection. Perhaps it took so much concentration 
because Icouldn’t imagine anything that I wouldn’t want her to say to me. And then—because thetone of her voice was the same as last night; there was suddenly pain 
there again—Iremembered. Once, I had asked her not to speak her thoughts. Never say that, I’d all butsnarled at her. I had made her cry…Was this what she kept from 
me? The depth of her feelings about me? That mybeing a monster didn’t matter to her, and that she thought it was too late for her to changeher mind?
　　I was unable to speak, because the joy and pain were too strong for words, theconflict between them too wild to allow for a coherent response. It was silent in the 
carexcept for the steady rhythms of her heart and lungs.
　　“Where’s the rest of your family?” she asked suddenly.
　　I took a deep breath—registering the scent in the car with true pain for the firsttime; I was getting used to this, I realized with satisfaction—and forced myself 
to becasual again.
　　“They took Rosalie’s car.” I parked in the open spot next to the car in question. Ihid my smile as I watched her eyes widen. “Ostentatious, isn’t it?”
　　“Um, wow. If she has that, why does she ride with you?”
　　Rosalie would have enjoyed Bella’s reaction…if she were being objective aboutBella, which probably wouldn’t happen.
　　“Like I said, it’s ostentatious. We try to blend in.”
　　“You don’t succeed,” she told me, and then she laughed a carefree laugh.
　　The blithe, wholly untroubled sound of her laughter warmed my hollow chesteven as it made my head swim with doubt.
　　“So why did Rosalie drive today if it’s more conspicuous?” she wondered.
　　“Hadn’t you noticed? I’m breaking all the rules now.”
　　My answer should have been mildly frightening—so, of course, Bella smiled at it.
　　She didn’t wait for me to open her door, just like last night. I had to feignnormality here at school—so I couldn’t move fast enough to prevent this—but she 
wasjust going to have to get used to being treated with more courtesy, and get used to it soon.
　　  I walked as close to her as I dared, watching carefully for any sign that myproximity upset her. Twice her hand twitched toward me and then she would snatch 
itback. It looked like she wanted to touch me… My breath sped.
　　“Why do you have cars like that at all? If you’re looking for privacy?” she askedas we walked.
　　“An indulgence,” I admitted. “We all like to drive fast.”
　　“Figures,” she mumbled, her tone sour.
　　She didn’t look up to see my answering grin.
　　Nuh-uh! I don’t believe this! How the hell did Bella pull this off? I don’t get it!
　　Why?
　　Jessica’s mental boggling interrupted my thoughts. She was waiting for Bella,taking refuge from the rain under the edge of the cafeteria’s roof, with Bella’s 
winterjacket over her arm. Her eyes were wide with disbelief.
　　Bella noticed her, too, in the next moment. A faint pink touched her cheek whenBella registered Jessica’s expression. The thoughts in Jessica’s head were fairly 
clear onher face.
　　“Hey, Jessica. Thanks for remembering,” Bella greeted her. She reached out forthe jacket and Jessica handed it to her wordlessly.
　　I should be polite to Bella’s friends, whether they were good friends or not.
　　“Good morning, Jessica.”
　　Whoa…Jessica’s eyes popped even wider. It was strange and amusing…and, honestly, abit embarrassing…to realize how much being near Bella had softened me. It 
seemed likeno one was afraid of me any more. If Emmett found out about this, he would be laughingfor the next century.
　　“Er…hi,” Jessica mumbled, and her eyes flashed to Bella’s face, full ofsignificance. “I guess I’ll see you in Trig.”
　　You are so going to spill. I’m not taking no for an answer. Details. I have tohave details! Edward freaking CULLEN!! Life is so unfair.
　　Bella’s mouth twitched. “Yeah, I’ll see you then.”
　　  Jessica’s thoughts ran wild as she hurried to her first class, peeking back at usnow and then.
　　The whole story. I’m not accepting anything less. Did they plan to meet up lastnight? Are they dating? How long? How could she keep this a secret? Why would 
shewant to? It can’t be a casual thing—she has to be seriously into him. Is there any otheroption? I will find out. I can’t stand not knowing. I wonder if she’s 
made out with him?
　　Oh, swoon… Jessica’s thoughts were suddenly disjointed, and she let wordless fantasiesswirl through her head. I winced at her speculations, and not just because 
she’d replacedBella with herself in the mental pictures.
　　It couldn’t be like that. And yet I…I wanted…I resisted making the admission, even to myself. How many wrong ways would Iwant Bella in? Which one would end up 
killing her?
　　I shook my head, and tried to lighten up.
　　“What are you going to tell her?” I asked Bella.
　　“Hey!” she whispered fiercely. “I thought you couldn’t read my mind!”
　　“I can’t.” I stared at her, surprised, trying to make sense of her words. Ah—wemust have been thinking the same thing at the same time. Hmm…I rather liked 
that.
　　“However,” I told her, “I can read hers—she’ll be waiting to ambush you in class.”
　　Bella groaned, and then let the jacket slide off her shoulders. I didn’t realize thatshe was giving it back at first—I wouldn’t have asked for it; I would rather 
she kept it…atoken—so I was too slow to offer her my help. She handed me the jacket, and put herarms through her own, without looking up to see that my hands were 
extended to assist. Ifrowned at that, and then controlled my expression before she noticed it.
　　“So, what are you going to tell her?” I pressed.
　　“A little help? What does she want to know?”
　　I smiled, and shook my head. I wanted to hear what she was thinking without aprompt. “That’s not fair.”
　　Her eyes tightened. “No, you not sharing what you know—now that’s unfair.”
　　Right—she didn’t like double standards.
　　  We got to the door of her class—where I would have to leave her; I wondered idlyif Ms. Cope would be more accommodating about a switch in the schedule of my 
Englishclass… I made myself focus. I could be fair.
　　“She wants to know if we’re secretly dating,” I said slowly. “And she wants toknow how you feel about me.”
　　Her eyes were wide—not startled, but ingenious now. They were open to me,readable. She was playing innocent.
　　“Yikes,” she murmured. “What should I say?”
　　“Hmmm.” She always tried to make me give away more than she did. I ponderedhow to respond.
　　A wayward strand of her hair, slightly damp from the fog, draped across hershoulder and curled around where her collar bone was hidden by the ridiculous sweater.
　　It drew my eyes…pulled them across the other hidden lines…I reached for it carefully, not touching her skin—the morning was chill enoughwithout my touch—and 
twisted it back into place in her untidy bun so that it wouldn’tdistract me again. I remembered when Mike Newton had touched her hair, and my jawflexed at the memory. 
She had flinched away from him then. Her reaction now wasnothing the same; instead, there was a slight widening of her eyes, a rush of blood underher skin, and a 
sudden, uneven thumping of her heart.
　　I tried to hide my smile as I answered her question.
　　“I suppose you could say yes to the first…if you don’t mind—,” her choice,always her choice, “—it’s easier than any other explanation.”
　　“I don’t mind,” she whispered. Her heart had not found its normal rhythm yet.
　　“And as for her other question…” I couldn’t hide my smile now. “Well, I’ll belistening to hear the answer to that one myself.”
　　Let Bella consider that. I held back my laugh as shock crossed her face.
　　I turned quickly, before she could ask for any more answers. I had a difficult timenot giving her whatever she asked for. And I wanted to hear her thoughts, not 
mine.
　　“I’ll see you at lunch,” I called back to her over my shoulder, an excuse to checkthat she was still staring after me, wide-eyed. Her mouth was hanging open. I 
turnedaway again, and laughed.
　　  As I paced away, I was vaguely aware of the shocked and speculative thoughtsthat swirled around me—eyes bouncing back and forth between Bella’s face and 
myretreating figure. I paid them little attention. I couldn’t concentrate. It was hard enoughto keep my feet moving at an acceptable speed as I crossed the soggy grass 
to my nextclass. I wanted to run—really run, so fast that I would disappear, so fast that it wouldfeel like I was flying. Part of me was flying already.
　　I put the jacket on when I got to class, letting her fragrance swim thick around me.
　　I would burn now—let the scent desensitize me—and then it would be easier to ignore itlater, when I was with her again at lunch…It was a good thing that my 
teachers no longer bothered to call on me. Todaymight have been the day that they would have caught me out, unprepared and answerless.
　　My mind was in so many places this morning; only my body was in the classroom.
　　Of course I was watching Bella. That was becoming natural—as automatic asbreathing. I heard her conversation with a demoralized Mike Newton. She quicklydirected 
the conversation to Jessica, and I grinned so wide that Rob Sawyer, who sat atthe desk to my right, flinched visibly and slid deeper into his seat, away from me.
　　Ugh. Creepy.
　　Well, I hadn’t lost it entirely.
　　I was also monitoring Jessica loosely, watching her refine her questions for Bella.
　　I could barely wait for fourth period, ten times as eager and anxious as the curious humangirl who wanted fresh gossip.
　　And I was also listening to Angela Weber.
　　I had not forgotten the gratitude I felt to her—for thinking nothing but kind thingstoward Bella in the first place, and then for her help last night. So I waited 
through themorning, looking for something that she wanted. I assumed it would be an easy; like anyother human, there must be some bauble or toy she wanted particularly. 
Several,probably. I would deliver something anonymously and call us even.
　　But Angela proved almost as unaccommodating as Bella with her thoughts. Shewas oddly content for a teenager. Happy. Perhaps this was the reason for her 
unusualkindness—she was one of those rare people who had what they wanted and wanted whatthey had. If she wasn’t paying attention to her teachers and her notes, she 
was thinking  of the twin little brothers she was taking to the beach this weekend—anticipating theirexcitement with an almost maternal pleasure. She cared for them 
often, but was notresentful of this fact… It was very sweet.
　　But not really helpful to me.
　　There had to be something she wanted. I would just have to keep looking. Butlater. It was time for Bella’s trig class with Jessica.
　　I wasn’t watching where I was going as I made my way to English. Jessica wasalready in her seat, both her feet tapping impatiently against the floor as she waited 
forBella to arrive.
　　Conversely, once I settled into my assigned seat in the classroom, I becameutterly still. I had to remind myself to fidget now and then. To keep up the charade. 
Itwas difficult, my thoughts were so focused on Jessica’s. I hoped she would pay attention,really try to read Bella’s face for me.
　　Jessica’s tapping intensified when Bella walked into the room.
　　She looks…glum. Why? Maybe there’s nothing going on with Edward Cullen.
　　That would be a disappointment. Except…then he’s still available… If he’s suddenlyinterested in dating, I don’t mind helping out with that…Bella’s face didn
’t look glum, it looked reluctant. She was worried—she knew Iwould hear all of this. I smiled to myself.
　　“Tell me everything!” Jess demanded while Bella was still removing her jacket tohang it on the back of her seat. She was moving with deliberation, unwilling.
　　Ugh, she’s so slow. Let’s get to the juicy stuff!
　　“What do you want to know?” Bella stalled as she took her seat.
　　“What happened last night?”
　　“He bought me dinner, and then he drove me home.”
　　And then? C’mon, there has to be more than that! She’s lying anyway, I knowthat. I’m going to call her on it.
　　“How did you get home so fast?”
　　I watched Bella roll her eyes at the suspicious Jessica.
　　“He drives like a maniac. It was terrifying.”
　　  She smiled a tiny smile, and I laughed out loud, interrupting Mr. Mason’sannouncements. I tried to turn the laugh into a cough, but no one was fooled. Mr. 
Masonshot me an irritated look, but I didn’t even bother to listen to the thought behind it. I washearing Jessica.
　　Huh. She sounds like she’s telling the truth. Why is she making me pull this outof her, word by word? I would be bragging at the top of my lungs if it were me.
　　“Was it like a date—did you tell him to meet you there?”
　　Jessica watched surprise cross Bella’s expression, and was disappointed at howgenuine it seemed.
　　“No—I was very surprised to see him there,” Bella told her.
　　What is going on?? “But he picked you up for school today?” There has to bemore to the story.
　　“Yes—that was a surprise, too. He noticed I didn’t have a jacket last night.”
　　That’s not very much fun, Jessica thought, disappointed again.
　　I was tired of her line of questioning—I wanted to hear something I didn’t alreadyknow. I hoped she wasn’t so dissatisfied that she would skip the questions I 
was waitingfor.
　　“So are you going out again?” Jessica demanded.
　　“He offered to drive me to Seattle Saturday because he thinks my truck isn’t up toit—does that count?”
　　Hmm. He sure is going out of his way to…well, take care of her, sort of. Theremust be something there on his side, if not on hers. How could THAT be? Bella’s 
crazy.
　　“Yes,” Jessica answered Bella’s question.
　　“Well, then,” Bella concluded. “Yes.”
　　“Wow…Edward Cullen.” Whether she likes him or not, this is major.
　　“I know,” Bella sighed.
　　The tone of her voice encouraged Jessica. Finally—she sounds like she gets it!
　　She must realize…“Wait!” Jessica said, suddenly remembering her most vital question. “Has hekissed you?” Please say yes. And then describe every second!
　　  “No,” Bella mumbled, and then she looked down at her hands, her face falling.
　　“It’s not like that.”
　　Damn. I wish… Ha. Looks like she does to.
　　I frowned. Bella did look upset about something, but it couldn’t bedisappointment like Jessica assumed. She couldn’t want that. Not knowing what sheknew. She 
couldn’t want to be that close to my teeth. For all she knew, I had fangs.
　　I shuddered.
　　“Do you think Saturday…?” Jessica prodded.
　　Bella looked even more frustrated as she said, “I really doubt it.”
　　Yeah, she does wish. That sucks for her.
　　Was it because I was watching all this through the filter of Jessica’s perceptionsthat it seemed like Jessica was right?
　　For a half-second I was distracted by the idea, the impossibility, of what it wouldbe like to try to kiss her. My lips to her lips, cold stone to warm, yielding 
silk…And then she dies.
　　I shook my head, wincing, and made myself pay attention.
　　“What did you talk about?” Did you talk to him, or did you make him drag everyounce of information out of you like this?
　　I smiled ruefully. Jessica wasn’t far off.
　　“I don’t know, Jess, lots of stuff. We talked about the English essay a little.”
　　A very little. I smiled wider.
　　Oh, c’MON. “Please, Bella! Give me some details.”
　　Bella deliberated for a moment.
　　“Well…okay, I’ve got one. You should have seen the waitress flirting with him—it was over the top. But he didn’t pay any attention to her at all.”
　　What a strange detail to share. I was surprised Bella had even noticed. It seemeda very inconsequential thing.
　　Interesting… “That’s a good sign. Was she pretty?”
　　Hmm. Jessica thought more of it that I did. Must be a female thing.
　　“Very,” Bella told her. “And probably nineteen or twenty.”
　　  Jessica was momentarily distracted by a memory of Mike on her date Mondaynight—Mike being a little too friendly with a waitress who Jessica did not consider 
prettyat all. She shoved the memory away and returned, stifling her irritation, to her quest fordetails.
　　“Even better. He must like you.”
　　“I think so,” Bella said slowly, and I was on the edge of my seat, my body rigidlystill. “But it’s hard to tell. He’s always so cryptic.”
　　I must not have been as transparently obvious and out of control as I’d thought.
　　Still…observant as she was… How could she not realize that I was in love with her? Isifted through our conversation, almost surprised that I hadn’t said the 
words out loud. Ithad felt like that knowledge had been the subtext of every word between us.
　　Wow. How do you sit there across from a male model and make conversation?
　　“I don’t know how you’re brave enough to be alone with him,” Jessica said.
　　Shock flashed across Bella’s face. “Why?”
　　Weird reaction. What does she think I meant? “He’s so…” What’s the rightword? “Intimidating. I wouldn’t know what to say to him.” I couldn’t even 
speakEnglish to him today, and all he said was good morning. I must have sounded like suchan idiot.
　　Bella smiled. “I do have some trouble with incoherency when I’m around him.”
　　She must be trying to make Jessica feel better. She was almost unnaturally self-possessed when we were together.
　　“Oh well,” Jessica sighed. “He is unbelievably gorgeous.”
　　Bella’s face was suddenly colder. Her eyes flashed the same way they did whenshe resented some injustice. Jessica didn’t process the change in her expression.
　　“There’s a lot more to him than that,” Bella snapped.
　　Oooh. Now we’re getting somewhere. “Really? Like what?”
　　Bella gnawed her lip for a moment. “I can’t explain it right,” she finally said.
　　“But he’s even more unbelievable behind the face.” She looked away from Jessica, hereyes slightly unfocused as if she was staring at something very far away.
　　The feeling I felt now was loosely similar to how it felt when Carlisle or Esmepraised me beyond what I deserved. Similar, but more intense, more consuming.
　　  Sell stupid somewhere else—there’s nothing better than that face! Unless it’s hisbody. Swoon. “Is that possible?” Jessica giggled.
　　Bella didn’t turn. She continued to stare into the distance, ignoring Jessica.
　　A normal person would be gloating. Maybe if I keep the questions simple. Ha ha.
　　Like I’m talking to a kindergartener. “So you like him, then?”
　　I was rigid again.
　　Bella didn’t look at Jessica. “Yes.”
　　“I mean, do you really like him?”
　　“Yes.”
　　Look at that blush!
　　I was.
　　“How much do you like him?” Jessica demanded.
　　The English room could have gone up in flames and I wouldn’t have noticed.
　　Bella’s face was bright red now—I could almost feel the heat from the mentalpicture.
　　“Too much,” she whispered. “More than he likes me. But I don’t see how I canhelp that.”
　　Shoot! What did Mr. Varner just ask? “Um—which number, Mr. Varner?”
　　It was good that Jessica could no longer quiz Bella. I needed a minute.
　　What on earth was that girl thinking now? More than he likes me? How did shecome up with that? But I don’t see how I can help that? What was that supposed tomean? 
I couldn’t fit a rational explanation to the words. They were practically senseless.
　　It seemed I couldn’t take anything for granted. Obvious things, things that madeperfect sense, somehow got twisted up and turned backwards in that bizarre brain of 
hers.
　　More than he likes me? Maybe I shouldn’t rule out the institution just yet.
　　I glared at the clock, gritting my teeth. How could mere minutes feel soimpossibly long to an immortal? Where was my perspective?
　　My jaw was tight throughout Mr. Varner’s entire trigonometry lesson. I heardmore of that than the lecture in my own class. Bella and Jessica didn’t speak again, 
butJessica peeked at Bella several times, and once her face was brilliant scarlet again for noapparent reason.
　　  Lunch couldn’t come fast enough.
　　I wasn’t sure if Jessica would get some of the answers I was waiting for when theclass was over, but Bella was quicker than she was.
　　As soon as the bell sounded, Bella turned to Jessica.
　　“In English, Mike asked me if you said anything about Monday night,” Bella said,a smile pulling at the corners of her lips. I understood this for what is was—
offence asthe best defense.
　　Mike asked about me? Joy made Jessica’s mind suddenly unguarded, softer,without its usual snide edge. “You’re kidding! What did you say?”
　　“I told him you said you had a lot of fun—and he looked pleased.”
　　“Tell me exactly what he said, and your exact answer!”
　　That was all I was going to get from Jessica today, clearly. Bella was smiling likeshe was thinking the same thing. Like she’d won the round.
　　Well, lunch would be another story. I would have better success with gettinganswers out of her than Jessica, I would make sure of that.
　　I could hardly bear to check in occasionally with Jessica through the fourth hour.
　　I had no patience for her obsessive thoughts of Mike Newton. I’d had more than enoughof him in the last two weeks. He was lucky to be alive.
　　I moved apathetically through gym class with Alice, the way we always movedwhen it came to physical activity with humans. She was my teammate, naturally. It wasthe 
first day of badminton. I sighed with boredom, swinging the racket in slow motion totap the birdie back to the other side. Lauren Mallory was on the other team; she 
missed.
　　Alice was twirling her racket like a baton, staring at the ceiling.
　　We all hated gym, Emmett especially. Throwing games was an affront to hispersonal philosophy. Gym seemed worse today than usual—I felt just as irritated asEmmett 
always did.
　　Before my head could explode with impatience, Coach Clapp called the gamesand sent us out early. I was ridiculously grateful that he’d skipped breakfast—a 
freshattempt to diet—and the consequent hunger had him in a hurry to leave campus to find agreasy lunch somewhere. He promised himself he would start over tomorrow...
　　This gave me enough time to get to the math building before Bella’s class ended.
　　  Enjoy yourself, Alice thought as she headed off to meet Jasper. Just a few daysmore to be patient. I suppose you won’t say hi to Bella for me, will you?
　　I shook my head, exasperated. Were all psychics so smug?
　　FYI, it’s going to be sunny on both sides of the sound this weekend. You mightwant to rearrange your plans.
　　I sighed as I continued in the opposite direction. Smug, but definitely useful.
　　I leaned against the wall by the door, waiting. I was close enough that I couldhear Jessica’s voice through the bricks as well as her thoughts.
　　“You’re not sitting with us today, are you?” She looks all…lit up. I bet there’stons she didn’t tell me.
　　“I don’t think so,” Bella answered, oddly unsure.
　　Hadn’t I promised to spend lunch with her? What was she thinking?
　　They came out of the class together, and both girls’ eyes widened when they sawme. But I could only hear Jessica.
　　Nice. Wow. Oh, yeah, there’s more going on here than she’s telling me. MaybeI’ll call her tonight… Or maybe I shouldn’t encourage her. Huh. I hope he moves 
pasther in a hurry. Mike is cute but…wow.
　　“See you later, Bella.”
　　Bella walked toward me, pausing a step away, still unsure. Her skin was pinkacross her cheekbones.
　　I knew her well enough now to be sure that there was no fear behind herhesitation. Apparently, this was about some gulf she imagined between her feelings andmine. 
More than he likes me. Absurd!
　　“Hello,” I said, my voice a tad curt.
　　Her face got brighter. “Hi.”
　　She didn’t seem inclined to say anything else, so I led the way to the cafeteria andshe walked silently beside me.
　　The jacket had worked—her scent was not the blow it usually was. It was just anintensification of the pain I already felt. I could ignore it more easily than I 
once wouldhave believed possible.
　　  Bella was restless as we waited in line, toying absently with the zipper on herjacket and shifting nervously from foot to foot. She glanced at me often, but 
whenevershe met my gaze, she looked down as if she were embarrassed. Was this because somany people were staring at us? Maybe she could hear the loud whispers—the 
gossipwas verbal as well as mental today.
　　Or maybe she realized, from my expression, that she was in trouble.
　　She didn’t say anything until I was assembling her lunch. I didn’t know what sheliked—not yet—so I grabbed one of everything.
　　“What are you doing?” she hissed in a low voice. “You’re not getting all that forme?”
　　I shook my head, and shoved the tray up to the register. “Half is for me, ofcourse.”
　　She raised one eyebrow skeptically, but said nothing more as I paid for the foodand escorted her to the table we’d sat at last week before her disastrous 
experience withblood typing. It seemed like much more than a few days. Everything was different now.
　　She sat across from me again. I pushed the tray toward her.
　　“Take whatever you want,” I encouraged.
　　She picked up an apple and twisted it in her hands, a speculative look on her face.
　　“I’m curious.”
　　What a surprise.
　　“What would you do if someone dared you to eat food?” she continued in a lowvoice that wouldn’t carry to human ears. Immortal ears were another matter, if those 
earswere paying attention. I probably should have mentioned something to them earlier…“You’re always curious,” I complained. Oh well. It wasn’t like I hadn’t had 
toeat before. It was part of the charade. An unpleasant part.
　　I reached for the closest thing, and held her eyes while I bite off a small bite ofwhatever it was. Without looking, I couldn’t tell. It was as slimy and chunky 
andrepulsive as any other human food. I chewed swiftly and swallowed, trying to keep thegrimace off my face. The gob of food moved slowly and uncomfortably down my 
throat.
　　I sighed as I thought of how I would have to choke it back up later. Disgusting.
　　Bella’s expression was shocked. Impressed.
　　  I wanted to roll my eyes. Of course we would have perfected such deceptions.
　　“If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn’t you?”
　　Her nose wrinkled and she smiled. “I did once…on a dare. It wasn’t so bad.”
　　I laughed. “I suppose I’m not surprised.”
　　They look cozy, don’t they? Good body language. I’ll give Bella my take later.
　　He’s leaning toward her just the way he should, if he’s interested. He looks interested.
　　He looks…perfect. Jessica sighed. Yum.
　　I met Jessica’s curious eyes, and she looked away nervously, giggling to the girlnext to her.
　　Hmmm. Probably better to stick to Mike. Reality, not fantasy…“Jessica’s analyzing everything I do,” I informed Bella. “She’ll break it down foryou later.”
　　I pushed the plate of food back towards her—pizza, I realized—wondering howbest to begin. My former frustration flared as the words repeated in my head: More 
thanhe likes me. But I don’t see how I can help that.
　　She took a bite from the same slice of pizza. It amazed me how trusting she was.
　　Of course, she didn’t know I was poisonous—not that sharing food would hurt her. Still,I expected her to treat me differently. As something other. She never did—
at least, notin a negative way…I would start off gently.
　　“So the waitress was pretty, was she?”
　　She raised the eyebrow again. “You really didn’t notice?”
　　As if any woman could hope to capture my attention from Bella. Absurd, again.
　　“No. I wasn’t paying attention. I had a lot on my mind.” Not the least of whichhad been the soft cling of her thin blouse…Good thing she’d worn that ugly 
sweater today.
　　“Poor girl,” Bella said, smiling.
　　She liked that I hadn’t found the waitress interesting in any way. I couldunderstand that. How many times had I imagined crippling Mike Newton in the biologyroom?
　　  She couldn’t honestly believe that her human feelings, the fruition of seventeenshort mortal years, could be stronger than the immortal passions that had been 
buildingup in me for a century.
　　“Something you said to Jessica…” I couldn’t keep my voice casual. “Well, itbothers me.”
　　She was immediately on the defensive. “I’m not surprised you heard somethingyou didn’t like. You know what they say about eavesdroppers.”
　　Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves, that was the saying.
　　“I warned you I would be listening,” I reminded her.
　　“And I warned you that you didn’t want to know everything I was thinking.”
　　Ah, she was thinking of when I’d made her cry. Remorse made my voice thicker.
　　“You did. You aren’t precisely right, though. I do want to know what you’re thinking—everything. I just wish…that you wouldn’t be thinking some things.”
　　More half-lies. I knew I shouldn’t want her to care about me. But I did. Ofcourse I did.
　　“That’s quite a distinction,” she grumbled, scowling at me.
　　“But that’s not really the point at the moment.”
　　“Then what is?”
　　She leaned toward me, her hand cupped lightly around her throat. It drew myeye—distracted me. How soft that skin must feel…Focus, I commanded myself.
　　“Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?” I asked. Thequestion sounded ridiculous to me, like the words were scrambled.
　　Her eyes were wide, her breathing stopped. Then she looked away, blinkingquickly. Her breath came in a low gasp.
　　“You’re doing it again,” she murmured.
　　“What?”
　　“Dazzling me,” she admitted, meeting my eyes warily.
　　“Oh.” Hmm. I wasn’t quite sure what to do about that. Nor was I sure that Ididn’t want to dazzle her. I was still thrilled that I could. But it wasn’t helping 
theprogression of the conversation.
　　  “It’s not your fault.” She sighed. “You can’t help it.”
　　“Are you going to answer my question?” I demanded.
　　She stared at the table. “Yes.”
　　That was all she said.
　　“Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?” I asked impatiently.
　　“Yes, I really think that,” she said without looking up. There was a faintundertone of sadness in her voice. She blushed again, and her teeth moved 
unconsciouslyto worry her lip.
　　Abruptly, I realized that this was very hard for her to admit, because she trulybelieved it. And I was no better than that coward, Mike, asking for her to confirm 
herfeelings before I’d confirmed my own. It didn’t matter that I felt I’d make my sideabundantly clear. It hadn’t gotten through to her, and so I had no excuse.
　　“You’re wrong,” I promised. She must hear the tenderness in my voice.
　　Bella looked up to me, her eyes opaque, giving nothing away. “You can’t knowthat,” she whispered.
　　She thought that I was underestimating her feelings because I couldn’t hear herthoughts. But, in truth, the problem was that she was underestimating mine.
　　“What makes you think so?” I wondered.
　　She stared back at me, the furrow between her brows, biting her lips. For themillionth time, I wished desperately that I could just hear her.
　　I was about to beg her to tell me what thought she was struggling with, but sheheld up a finger to keep me from speaking.
　　“Let me think,” she requested.
　　As long as she was simply organizing her thoughts, I could be patient.
　　Or I could pretend to be.
　　She pressed her hands together, twining and untwining her slender fingers. Shewas watching her hands as if they belonged to someone else while she spoke.
　　“Well, aside from the obvious,” she murmured. “Sometimes… I can’t be sure—Idon’t know how to read minds—but sometimes it seems like you’re trying to 
saygoodbye when you’re saying something else.” She didn’t look up.
　　  She’d caught that, had she? Did she realize that it was only weakness andselfishness that kept me here? Did she think less of me for that?
　　“Perceptive,” I breathed, and then watched in horror as pain twisted herexpression. I hurried to contradict her assumption. “That’s exactly why you’re 
wrong,though—” I began, and then I paused, remembering the first words of her explanation.
　　They bothered me, though I wasn’t sure I understood exactly. “What do you mean, ‘theobvious’?”
　　“Well, look at me,” she said.
　　I was looking. All I ever did was look at her. What did she mean?
　　“I’m absolutely ordinary,” she explained. “Well, except for the bad things like allthe near death experiences and being so clumsy that I’m almost disabled. And 
look atyou.” She fanned the air toward me, like she was making some point so obvious itwasn’t worth spelling out.
　　She thought she was ordinary? She thought that I was somehow preferable toher? In whose estimation? Silly, narrow-minded, blind humans like Jessica or Ms.
　　Cope? How could she not realize that she was the most beautiful…most exquisite…Those words weren’t even enough.
　　And she had no idea.
　　“You don’t see yourself very clearly, you know,” I told her. “I’ll admit you’redead-on about the bad things…” I laughed humorlessly. I did not find the evil 
fate whohaunted her comical. The clumsiness, however, was sort of funny. Endearing. Wouldshe believe me if I told her she was beautiful, inside and out? Perhaps she 
would findcorroboration more persuasive. “But you didn’t hear what every human male wasthinking on your first day.”
　　Ah, the hope, the thrill, the eagerness of those thoughts. The speed with whichthey’d turned to impossible fantasies. Impossible, because she wanted none of them.
　　I was the one she said yes to.
　　My smile must have been smug.
　　Her face was blank with surprise. “I don’t believe it,” she mumbled.
　　“Trust me just this once—you are the opposite of ordinary.”
　　Her existence alone was excuse enough to justify the creation of the entire world.
　　  She wasn’t used to compliments, I could see that. Another thing she would justhave to get used to. She flushed, and changed the subject. “But I’m not 
sayinggoodbye.”
　　“Don’t you see? That’s what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can doit…” Would I ever be unselfish enough to do the right thing? I shook my head 
indespair. I would have to find the strength. She deserved a life. Not what Alice had seencoming for her. “If leaving is the right thing to do…” And it had to be the 
right thing,didn’t it? There was no reckless angel. Bella didn’t belong with me. “Then I’ll hurtmyself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe.”
　　As I said the words, I willed them to be true.
　　She glared at me. Somehow, my words had angered her. “And you don’t think Iwould do the same?” she demanded furiously.
　　So furious—so soft and so fragile. How could she ever hurt anyone? “You’dnever have to make the choice,” I told her, depressed anew by the wide 
differencebetween us.
　　She stared at me, concern replacing the anger in her eyes and bringing out thelittle pucker between them.
　　There was something truly wrong with the order of the universe if someone sogood and so breakable did not merit a guardian angel to keep her out of trouble.
　　Well, I thought with dark humor, at least she has a guardian vampire.
　　I smiled. How I loved my excuse to stay. “Of course, keeping you safe isbeginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence.”
　　She smiled, too. “No one has tried to do away with me today,” she said lightly,and then her face turned speculative for half a second before her eyes went opaque 
again.
　　“Yet,” I added dryly.
　　“Yet,” she agreed to my surprise. I’d expected her to deny any need forprotection.
　　How could he? That selfish jackass! How could he do this to us? Rosalie’spiercing mental shriek broke through my concentration.
　　“Easy, Rose,” I heard Emmett whisper from across the cafeteria. His arm wasaround her shoulders, holding her tight into his side—restraining her.
　　  Sorry, Edward, Alice thought guiltily. She could tell Bella knew too much fromyour conversation…and, well, it would have been worse if I hadn’t told her the 
truth rightaway. Trust me on that.
　　I winced at the mental picture that followed, at what would have happened if I’dtold Rosalie that Bella knew I was a vampire at home, where Rosalie didn’t have a 
fa.adeto keep up. I’d have to hide my Aston Martin somewhere out of state if she didn’t calmdown by the time school was over. The sight of my favorite car, mangled 
and burning,was upsetting—though I knew I’d earned the retribution.
　　Jasper was not much happier.
　　I’d deal with the others later. I only had so much time allotted to be to be withBella, and I wasn’t going to waste it. And hearing Alice had reminded me that I 
hadsome business to attend to.
　　“I have another question for you,” I said, tuning out Rosalie’s mental hysterics.
　　“Shoot,” Bella said, smiling.
　　“Do you really need to go to Seattle this Saturday, or was that just an excuse toget out of saying no to all your admirers?”
　　She grimaced at me. “You know, I haven’t forgiven you for the Tyler thing yet.
　　It’s your fault that he’s deluded himself into thinking I’m going to prom with him.”
　　“Oh, he would have found a chance to ask you without me—I just really wantedto watch your face.”
　　I laughed now, remembering her aghast expression. Nothing I’d ever told herabout my own dark story had ever made her look so horrified. The truth didn’t 
frightenher. She wanted to be with me. Mind-boggling.
　　“If I’d asked you, would you have turned me down?”
　　“Probably not,” she said. “But I would have cancelled later—faked an illness or asprained ankle.”
　　How strange. “Why would you do that?”
　　She shook her head, as if she was disappointed that I did not understand at once.
　　“You’ve never seen me in gym, I guess, but I would have thought that you wouldunderstand.”
　　  Ah. “Are you referring to the fact that you can’t walk across a flat, stable surfacewithout finding something to trip over?”
　　“Obviously.”
　　“That wouldn’t be a problem. It’s all in the leading.”
　　For a brief fraction of a second, I was overwhelmed by the idea of holding her inmy arms at a dance—where she would surely wear something pretty and delicate 
ratherthan this hideous sweater.
　　With perfect clarity, I remembered how her body had felt under mine after I’dthrown her out of the way of the oncoming van. Stronger than the panic or 
thedesperation or the chagrin, I could remember that sensation. She’d been so warm and sosoft, fitting easily into my own stone shape…I wrenched myself back from the 
memory.
　　“But you never told me—” I said quickly, preventing her from arguing with meabout her clumsiness, as she clearly intended to do. “Are you resolved on going 
toSeattle, or do you mind if we do something different?”
　　Devious—giving her a choice without giving her the option of getting away fromme for the day. Hardly fair of me. But I had made her a promise last night…and I 
likedthe idea of fulfilling it—almost as much as that idea terrified me.
　　The sun would be shining Saturday. I could show her the real me, if I was braveenough to endure her horror and disgust. I knew just the place to take such a risk…
“I’m open to alternatives,” Bella said. “But I do have a favor to ask.”
　　A qualified yes. What would she want from me?
　　“What?”
　　“Can I drive?”
　　Was this her idea of humor? “Why?”
　　“Well, mostly because when I told Charlie I was going to Seattle, he specificallyasked if I was going alone and, at the time, I was. If he asked again, I probably 
wouldn’tlie, but I don’t think he will ask again, and leaving my truck at home would just bring upthe subject unnecessarily. And also, because your driving frightens 
me.”
　　  I rolled my eyes at her. “Of all the things about me that could frighten you, youworry about my driving.” Truly, her brain worked backwards. I shook my 
head,disgusted.
　　Edward, Alice called urgently.
　　Suddenly I was staring into a bright circle of sunlight, caught up in one of Alice’svisions.
　　It was a place I knew well, the place I’d just considered taking Bella—a littlemeadow where no one ever went beside myself. A quiet, pretty place where I 
couldcount on being alone—far enough from any trail or human habitation that even my mindcould have peace and quiet.
　　Alice recognized it, too, because she had seen me there not so long ago in anothervision—one of those flickering, indistinct visions that Alice had shown me the 
morningI’d saved Bella from the van.
　　In that flickering vision, I hadn’t been alone. And now it was clear—Bella waswith me there. So I was brave enough. She stared at me, rainbows dancing across 
herface, her eyes fathomless.
　　It’s the same place, Alice thought, her mind full of a horror that did not match thevision. Tension, perhaps, but horror? What did she mean, the same place?
　　And then I saw it.
　　Edward! Alice protested shrilly. I love her, Edward!
　　I shut her out viciously.
　　She didn’t love Bella the way I did. Her vision was impossible. Wrong. She wasblinded somehow, seeing impossibilities.
　　Not even a half a second had passed. Bella was looking curiously at my face,waiting for me to approve her request. Had she seen the flash of dread, or had it been 
tooquick for her?
　　I focused on her, on our unfinished conversation, pushing Alice and her flawed,lying visions far from my thoughts. They didn’t deserve my attention.
　　I wasn’t able to keep up the playful tone of our banter, though.
　　“Won’t you want to tell your father that you’re spending the day with me?” Iasked, darkness seeping into my voice.
　　  I shoved at the visions again, trying to push them farther away, to keep them fromflickering through my head.
　　“With Charlie, less is always more,” Bella said, certain of this fact. “Where arewe going, anyway?”
　　Alice was wrong. Dead wrong. There was no chance of that. And it was just anold vision, invalid now. Things had changed.
　　“The weather will be nice,” I told her slowly, fighting the panic and indecision.
　　Alice was wrong. I would continue as if I hadn’t heard or seen anything. “So I’ll bestaying out of the public eye…and you can stay with me, if you’d like to.”
　　Bella caught the significance at once; her eyes were bright and eager. “Andyou’ll show me what you meant, about the sun?”
　　Maybe, like so many times before, her reaction would be the opposite of what Iexpected. I smiled at that possibility, struggling to return to the lighter moment. “
Yes.
　　But…” She hadn’t said yes. “If you don’t want to be…alone with me, I’d still rather youdidn’t go to Seattle by yourself. I shudder to think of the trouble 
you could find in a citythat size.”
　　Her lips pressed together; she was offended.
　　“Phoenix is three times bigger than Seattle—just in population. In physicalsize—”
　　“But apparently your number wasn’t up in Phoenix,” I said, cutting off herjustifications. “So I’d rather you stayed with me.”
　　She could stay forever and it would not be long enough.
　　I shouldn’t think that way. We didn’t have forever. The passing seconds countedmore than they ever had before; each second changed her while I remained untouched.
　　“As it happens, I don’t mind being alone with you,” she said.
　　No—because her instincts were backwards.
　　“I know.” I sighed. “You should tell Charlie, though.”
　　“Why in the world would I do that?” she asked, sounding horrified.
　　I glared at her, the visions I couldn’t quite manage to repress swirling sickeninglythrough my head.
　　  “To give me some small incentive to bring you back,” I hissed. She should giveme that much—one witness to compel me to be cautious.
　　Why had Alice forced this knowledge on me now?
　　Bella swallowed loudly, and stared at me for a long moment. What did she see?
　　“I think I’ll take my chances,” she said.
　　Ugh! Did she get some thrill out of risking her life? Some shot of adrenaline shecraved?
　　I scowled at Alice, who met my glare with a warning glance. Beside her, Rosaliewas glowering furiously, but I couldn’t have cared less. Let her destroy the car. It 
wasjust a toy.
　　“Let’s talk about something else,” Bella suggested suddenly.
　　I looked back at her, wondering how she could be so oblivious to what reallymattered. Why wouldn’t she see me for the monster I was?
　　“What do you want to talk about?”
　　Her eyes darted to the left and then the right, as if checking to make sure therewere no eavesdroppers. She must be planning to introduce another myth-related 
topic.
　　Her eyes froze for a second and her body stiffened, and then she looked back to me.
　　“Why did you go to that Goat Rocks place last weekend…to hunt? Charlie said itwasn’t a good place to hike, because of bears.”
　　So oblivious. I stared at her, raising one eyebrow.
　　“Bears?” she gasped.
　　I smiled wryly, watching that sink in. Would this make her take me seriously?
　　Would anything?
　　She pulled her expression together. “You know, bears are not in season,” she saidseverely, narrowing her eyes.
　　“If you read carefully, the laws only cover hunting with weapons.”
　　She lost control over her face again for a moment. Her lips fell open.
　　“Bears?” she said again, a tentative question this time rather than a gasp of shock.
　　“Grizzly is Emmett’s favorite.”
　　I watched her eyes, seeing this settle in.
　　  “Hmm,” she murmured. She took a bite of the pizza, looking down. She chewedthoughtfully, and then took a drink.
　　“So,” she said, finally looking up. “What’s your favorite?”
　　I supposed I should have expected something like that, but I hadn’t. Bella wasalways interesting, at the very least.
　　“Mountain lion,” I answered brusquely.
　　“Ah,” she said in a neutral tone. Her heartbeat continued steady and even, as ifwe were discussing a favorite restaurant.
　　Fine, then. If she wanted to act like this was nothing unusual…“Of course, we have to be careful not to impact the environment with injudicioushunting,” I told 
her, my voice detached and clinical. “We try to focus on areas with anoverpopulation of predators—ranging as far away as we need. There’s always plenty ofdeer and 
elk here, and they’ll do, but where’s the fun in that?”
　　She listened with a politely interested expression, as if I were a teacher giving alecture. I had to smile.
　　“Where indeed,” she murmured calmly, taking another bite of pizza.
　　“Early spring is Emmett’s favorite bear season,” I said, continuing with thelecture. “They’re just coming out of hibernation, so they’re more irritable.”
　　Seventy years later, and he still hadn’t gotten over losing that first match.
　　“Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear,” Bella agreed, noddingsolemnly.
　　I couldn’t hold back a chuckle as I shook my head at her illogical calm. It had tobe put on. “Tell me what you’re really thinking, please.”
　　“I’m trying to picture it—but I can’t,” she said, the crease appearing between hereyes. “How to you hunt a bear without weapons?”
　　“Oh, we have weapons,” I told her, and then flashed her a wide smile. I expectedher to recoil, but she was very still, watching me. “Just not the kind they 
consider whenwriting hunting laws. If you’ve ever seen a bear attack on television, you should be ableto visualize Emmett hunting.”
　　She glanced toward the table where the others sat, and shuddered.
　　  Finally. And then I laughed at myself, because I knew part of me was wishingshe would stay oblivious.
　　Her dark eyes were wide and deep as she stared at me now. “Are you like a bear,too?” she asked in an almost-whisper.
　　“More like the lion, or so they tell me,” I told her, striving to sound detachedagain. “Perhaps our preferences are indicative.”
　　Her lips pulled up a tiny bit at the corners. “Perhaps,” she repeated. And then herhead leaned to the side, and curiosity was suddenly clear in her eyes. “Is 
that something Imight get to see?”
　　I didn’t need pictures from Alice to illustrate this horror—my imagination wasquite enough.
　　“Absolutely not,” I snarled at her.
　　She jerked away from me, her eyes bewildered and frightened.
　　I leaned back, too, wanting to put space between us. She was never going to see,was she? She wouldn’t do one thing to help me keep her alive.
　　“Too scary for me?” she asked, her voice even. Her heart, however, was stillmoving in double time.
　　“If that were it, I would take you out tonight,” I retorted through my teeth. “Youneed a healthy dose of fear. Nothing could be more beneficial for you.”
　　“Then why?” she demanded, undeterred.
　　I glared at her blackly, waiting for her to be afraid. I was afraid. I could imagineonly too clearly having Bella near when I hunted…Her eyes remained curious, 
impatient, nothing more. She waited for her answer,not giving in.
　　But our hour was up.
　　“Later,” I snapped, and I rose to my feet. “We’re going to be late.”
　　She looked around herself, disoriented, like she’d forgotten we were at lunch.
　　Like she’d forgotten we were even at school—surprised that we were not alone i
Chapter 12 Complications
    Bella and I walked silently to biology. I was trying to focus myself on the moment, onthe girl beside me, on what was real and solid, on anything that would keep 
Alice’sdeceitful, meaningless visions out of my head.
　　We passed Angela Weber, lingering on the sidewalk, discussing an assignmentwith a boy from her Trigonometry class. I scanned her thoughts perfunctorily, 
expectingmore disappointment, only to be surprised by their wistful tenor.
　　Ah, so there was something Angela wanted. Unfortunately, it wasn’t somethingthat could be easily gift-wrapped.
　　I felt strangely comforted for a moment, hearing Angela’s hopeless yearning. Asense of kinship that Angela would never know about passed through me, and I was, 
inthat second, at one with the kind human girl.
　　It was oddly consoling to know that I wasn’t the only one living out a tragic lovestory. Heartbreak was everywhere.
　　In the next second, I was abruptly and thoroughly irritated. Because Angela’sstory didn’t have to be tragic. She was human and he was human and the difference 
thatseemed so insurmountable in her head was ridiculous, truly ridiculous compared to myown situation. There was no point in her broken heart. What a wasteful sadness, 
whenthere was no valid reason for her not to be with the one she wanted. Why shouldn’t shehave what she wanted? Why shouldn’t this one story have a happy ending?
　　I wanted to give her a gift… Well, I would give her what she wanted. Knowingwhat I did of human nature, it probably wouldn’t even be very difficult. I sifted 
throughthe consciousness of the boy beside her, the object of her affections, and he did not seemunwilling, he was just stymied by the same difficulty she was. Hopeless 
and resigned,the way she was.
　　All I would have to do was plant the suggestion…  The plan formed easily, the script wrote itself without effort on my part. I wouldneed Emmett’s help—getting 
him to go along with this was the only real difficulty.
　　Human nature was so much easier to manipulate than vampire nature.
　　I was pleased with my solution, with my gift for Angela. It was a nice diversionfrom my own problems. Would that mine were as easily fixed.
　　My mood was slightly improved as Bella and I took our seats. Maybe I should bemore positive. Maybe there was some solution out there for us that was escaping me, 
theway Angela’s obvious solution was so invisible to her. Not likely… But why waste timewith hopelessness? I didn’t have time to waste when it came to Bella. Each 
secondmattered.
　　Mr. Banner entered pulling an ancient TV and VCR. He was skipping through asection he wasn’t particularly interested in—genetic disorders—by showing a movie 
forthe next three days. Lorenzo’s Oil was not a very cheerful piece, but that didn’t stop theexcitement in the room. No notes, no test-able material. Three free days. 
The humansexulted.
　　It didn’t matter to me, either way. I hadn’t been planning on paying any attentionto anything but Bella.
　　I did not pull my chair away from hers today, to give myself space to breathe.
　　Instead, I sat close beside her like any normal human would. Closer than we sat insidemy car, close enough that the left side of my body felt submerged in the heat 
from herskin.
　　It was a strange experience, both enjoyable and nerve-racking, but I preferred thisto sitting across the table from her. It was more than I was used to, and yet I 
quicklyrealized that it was not enough. I was not satisfied. Being this close to her only made mewant to be closer still. The pull was stronger the closer I got.
　　I had accused her of being a magnet for danger. Right now, it felt like that wasthe literal truth. I was danger, and, with every inch I allowed myself nearer to 
her, herattraction grew in force.
　　And then Mr. Banner turned the lights out.
　　  It was odd how much of a difference this made, considering that the lack of lightmeant little to my eyes. I could still see just as perfectly as before. Every 
detail of theroom was clear.
　　So why the sudden shock of electricity in the air, in this dark that was not dark tome? Was it because I knew that I was the only one who could see clearly? That 
bothBella and I were invisible to the others? Like we were alone, just the two of us, hidden inthe dark room, sitting so close beside one another…My hand moved toward 
her without my permission. Just to touch her hand, tohold it in the darkness. Would that be such a horrific mistake? If my skin bothered her,she only had to pull away…
I yanked my hand back, folded my arms tightly across my chest and clenched myhands closed. No mistakes. I’d promised myself that I would make no mistakes, nomatter how 
minimal they seemed. If I held her hand, I would only want more—anotherinsignificant touch, another move closer to her. I could feel that. A new kind of desirewas 
growing in me, working to override my self-control.
　　No mistakes.
　　Bella folded her arms securely across her own chest, and her hands balled up intofists, just like mine.
　　What are you thinking? I was dying to whisper the words to her, but the roomwas too quiet to get away with even a whispered conversation.
　　The movie began, lightening the darkness just a bit. Bella glanced up at me. Shenoted the rigid way I held my body—just like hers—and smiled. Her lips parted 
slightly,and her eyes seemed full of warm invitations.
　　Or perhaps I was seeing what I wanted to see.
　　I smiled back; her breathing caught with a low gasp and she looked quickly away.
　　That made it worse. I didn’t know her thoughts, but I was suddenly positive that Ihad been right before, and that she wanted me to touch her. She felt this 
dangerous desirejust as I did.
　　Between her body and mine, the electricity hummed.
　　  She didn’t move all through the hour, holding her stiff, controlled pose as I heldmine. Occasionally she would peek at me again, and the humming current would 
joltthrough me with a sudden shock.
　　The hour passed—slowly, and yet not slowly enough. This was so new, I couldhave sat like this with her for days, just to experience the feeling fully.
　　I had a dozen different arguments with myself while the minutes passed,rationality struggling with desire as I tried to justify touching her.
　　Finally, Mr. Banner turned the lights on again.
　　In the bright fluorescent light, the atmosphere of the room returned to normal.
　　Bella sighed and stretched, flexing her fingers in front of her. It must have beenuncomfortable for her to hold that position for so long. It was easier for me—
stillnesscame naturally.
　　I chuckled at the relieved expression on her face. “Well, that was interesting.”
　　“Umm,” she murmured, clearly understanding what I referred to, but making nocomment. What I wouldn’t give to hear what she was thinking right now.
　　I sighed. No amount of wishing was going to help with that.
　　“Shall we?” I asked, standing.
　　She made a face and got unsteadily to her feet, her hands splayed out as if shewere afraid she was going to fall.
　　I could offer her my hand. Or I could place that hand underneath her elbow—justlightly—and steady her. Surely that wouldn’t be such a horrible infraction…No 
mistakes.
　　She was very quiet as we walked toward the gym. The crease was in evidencebetween her eyes, a sign that she was deep in thought. I, too, was thinking deeply.
　　One touch of her skin wouldn’t hurt her, my selfish side contended.
　　I could easily moderate the pressure of my hand. It wasn’t exactly difficult, aslong as I was firmly in control of myself. My tactile sense was better developed 
than ahuman’s; I could juggle a dozen crystal goblets without breaking any of them; I couldstroke a soap bubble without popping it. As long as I was firmly in control
…Bella was like a soap bubble—fragile and ephemeral. Temporary.
　　  How long would I be able to justify my presence in her life? How much time didI have? Would I have another chance like this chance, like this moment, like this 
second?
　　She would not always be within my arm’s reach…Bella turned to face me at the gym’s door, and her eyes widened at the expressionon my face. She didn’t speak. I 
looked at myself in the reflection of her eyes and sawthe conflict raging in my own. I watched my face change as my better side lost theargument.
　　My hand lifted without a conscious command for it to do so. As gently as if shewere made of the thinnest glass, as if she were fragile as a bubble, my fingers 
stroked thewarm skin that covered her cheekbone. It heated under my touch, and I could feel thepulse of blood speed beneath her transparent skin.
　　Enough, I ordered, though my hand was aching to shape itself to the side of herface. Enough.
　　It was difficult to pull my hand back, to stop myself from moving closer to herthan I already was. A thousand different possibilities ran through my mind in 
aninstant—a thousand different ways to touch her. The tip of my finger tracing the shape ofher lips. My palm cupping under her chin. Pulling the clip from her hair and 
letting itspill out across my hand. My arms winding around her waist, holding her against thelength of my body.
　　Enough.
　　I forced myself to turn, to move away from her. My body moved stiffly—unwilling.
　　I let my mind linger behind to watch her as I walked swiftly away, almost runningfrom the temptation. I caught Mike Newton’s thoughts—they were the loudest—
whilehe watched Bella walk past him in oblivion, her eyes unfocused and her cheeks red. Heglowered and suddenly my name was mingled with curses in his head; I couldn’t 
helpgrinning slightly in response.
　　My hand was tingling. I flexed it and then curled it into a fist, but it continued tosting painlessly.
　　No, I hadn’t hurt her—but touching her had still been a mistake.
　　  It felt like fire—like the thirsting burn of my throat had spread throughout myentire body.
　　The next time I was close to her, would I be able to stop myself from touching heragain? And if I touched her once, would I be able to stop at that?
　　No more mistakes. That was it. Savor the memory, Edward, I told myself grimly,and keep your hands to yourself. That, or I would have to force myself toleave…
somehow. Because I couldn’t allow myself near her if I insisted on makingerrors.
　　I took a deep breath and tried to steady my thoughts.
　　Emmett caught up to me outside the English building.
　　“Hey, Edward.” He’s looking better. Weird, but better. Happy.
　　“Hey, Em.” Did I look happy? I supposed, despite the chaos in my head, I feltthat way.
　　Way to keep your mouth shut, kid. Rosalie wants to rip your tongue out.
　　I sighed. “Sorry I left you to deal with that. Are you angry with me?”
　　“Naw. Rose’ll get over it. It was bound to happen anyway.” With what Alicesees coming…Alice’s visions were not what I wanted to think about right now. I stared 
forward,my teeth locking together.
　　As I searched for a distraction, I caught sight of Ben Cheney entering the Spanishroom ahead of us. Ah—here was my chance to give Angela Weber her gift.
　　I stopped walking and caught Emmett’s arm. “Hold on a second.”
　　What’s up?
　　“I know I don’t deserve it, but would you do me a favor anyway?”
　　“What is it?” he asked, curious.
　　Under my breath—and at a speed that would have made the wordsincomprehensible to a human no matter how loud they’d been spoken—I explained tohim what I wanted.
　　He stared at me blankly when I was done, his thoughts as blank as his face.
　　“So?” I prompted. “Will you help me do it?”
　　It took him a minute to respond. “But, why?”
　　  “C’mon, Emmett. Why not?”
　　Who are you and what have you done with my brother?
　　“Aren’t you the one who complains that school is always the same? This issomething a little different, isn’t it? Consider it an experiment—an experiment in 
humannature.”
　　He stared at me for another moment before he caved. “Well, it is different, I’llgive you that… Okay, fine.” Emmett snorted and then shrugged. “I’ll help you.
”
　　I grinned at him, feeling more enthusiastic about my plan now that he was onboard. Rosalie was a pain, but I would always owe her one for choosing Emmett; no onehad 
a better brother than mine.
　　Emmett didn’t need to practice. I whispered his lines to him once under mybreath as we walked into the classroom.
　　Ben was already in his seat behind mine, assembling his homework to hand in.
　　Emmett and I both sat and did the same thing. The classroom was not quiet yet; themurmur of subdued conversation would continue until Mrs. Goff called for 
attention.
　　She was in no hurry, appraising the quizzes from the last class.
　　“So,” Emmett said, his voice louder than necessary—if he were really speakingonly to me. “Did you ask Angela Weber out yet?”
　　The sound of papers rustling behind me came to an abrupt stop as Ben froze, hisattention suddenly riveted on our conversation.
　　Angela? They’re talking about Angela?
　　Good. I had his interest.
　　“No,” I said, shaking my head slowly to appear regretful.
　　“Why not?” Emmett improvised. “Are you chicken?”
　　I grimaced at him. “No. I heard that she was interested in someone else.”
　　Edward Cullen was going to ask Angela out? But… No. I don’t like that. I don’twant him near her. He’s…not right for her. Not…safe.
　　I hadn’t anticipated the chivalry, the protective instinct. I’d been working forjealousy. But whatever worked.
　　“You’re going to let that stop you?” Emmett asked scornfully, improvising again.
　　“Not up for the competition?”
　　  I glared at him, but made used of what he gave me. “Look, I guess she reallylikes this Ben person. I’m not going to try to convince her otherwise. There are 
othergirls.”
　　The reaction in the chair behind me was electric.
　　“Who?” Emmett asked, back to the script.
　　“My lab partner said it was some kid named Cheney. I’m not sure I know who heis.”
　　I bit back my smile. Only the haughty Cullens could get away with pretendingnot to know every student at this tiny school.
　　Ben’s head was whirling with shock. Me? Over Edward Cullen? But why wouldshe like me?
　　“Edward,” Emmett muttered in a lower tone, rolling his eyes toward the boy.
　　“He’s right behind you,” he mouthed, so obviously that the human could easily read thewords.
　　“Oh,” I muttered back.
　　I turned in my seat and glanced once at the boy behind me. For a second, theblack eyes behind the glasses were frightened, but then he stiffened and squared 
hisnarrow shoulders, affronted by my clearly disparaging evaluation. His chin shot out andan angry flush darkened his golden-brown skin.
　　“Huh,” I said arrogantly as I turned back to Emmett.
　　He thinks he’s better than me. But Angela doesn’t. I’ll show him…Perfect.
　　“Didn’t you say she was taking Yorkie to the dance, though?” Emmett asked,snorting as he said the name of the boy that many scorned for his awkwardness.
　　“That was a group decision apparently.” I wanted to be sure that Ben was clearon this. “Angela’s shy. If B—well, if a guy doesn’t have the nerve to ask her 
out, she’dnever ask him.”
　　“You like shy girls,” Emmett said, back to improvisation. Quiet girls. Girlslike…hmm, I don’t know. Maybe Bella Swan?
　　I grinned at him. “Exactly.” Then I returned to the performance. “Maybe Angelawill get tired of waiting. Maybe I’ll ask her to the prom.”
　　  No, you won’t, Ben thought, straightening up in his chair. So what if she’s somuch taller than me? If she doesn’t care, then neither do I. She’s the nicest, 
smartest,prettiest girl in this school… and she wants me.
　　I liked this Ben. He seemed bright and well-meaning. Maybe even worthy of agirl like Angela.
　　I gave Emmett a thumbs up under the desk as Mrs. Goff stood and greeted theclass.
　　Okay, I’ll admit it—that was sort of fun, Emmett thought.
　　I smiled to myself, pleased that I’d been able to shape one love story’s happyending. I was positive that Ben would follow through, and Angela would receive 
myanonymous gift. My debt was repaid.
　　How silly humans were, to let a six inch height differential confound theirhappiness.
　　My success put me in a good mood. I smiled again as I settled into my chair andprepared to be entertained. After all, as Bella had pointed out at lunch, I’d never 
seen herin action in her gym class before.
　　Mike’s thoughts were the easiest to pinpoint in the babble of voices that swarmedthrough the gym. His mind had gotten far too familiar over the last few weeks. 
With asigh, I resigned myself to listening through him. At least I could be sure that he would bepaying attention to Bella.
　　I was just in time to hear him offer to be her badminton partner; as he made thesuggestion, other partnerings ran through his mind. My smile faded, my teeth 
clenchedtogether, and I had to remind myself that murdering Mike Newton was not a permissibleoption.
　　“Thanks, Mike—you don’t have to do this, you know.”
　　“Don’t worry, I’ll keep out of your way.”
　　They grinned at each other, and flashes of numerous accidents—always in someway connected to Bella—flashed through Mike’s head.
　　Mike played alone at first, while Bella hesitated on the back half of the court,holding her racket gingerly, as if it was some kind of weapon. Then Coach Clapp 
ambledby and ordered Mike to let Bella play.
　　  Uh oh, Mike thought as Bella moved forward with a sigh, holding her racquet atan awkward angle.
　　Jennifer Ford served the birdie directly toward Bella with a smug twist to herthoughts. Mike saw Bella lurch toward it, swinging the racket yards wide of her 
target,and he rushed in to try to save the volley.
　　I watched the trajectory of Bella’s racquet with alarm. Sure enough, it hit the tautnet and sprung back at her, clipping her forehead before it spun out to strike 
Mike’s armwith a resounding thwack.
　　Ow. Ow. Ungh. That’s going to leave a bruise.
　　Bella was kneading her forehead. It was hard to stay in my seat where I belonged,knowing she was hurt. But what could I do, if I were there? And it didn’t seem to 
beserious… I hesitated, watching. If she intended to continue to try to play, I was going tohave to manufacture an excuse to pull her out of class.
　　The coach laughed. “Sorry, Newton.” That girl’s the worst jinx I’ve ever seen.
　　Shouldn’t inflict her on the others…He turned his back deliberately and moved to watch another game so that Bellacould return to her former spectator’s role.
　　Ow, Mike thought again, massaging his arm. He turned to Bella. “Are youokay?”
　　“Yeah, are you?” she asked sheepishly, blushing.
　　“I think I’ll make it.” Don’t want to sound like a crybaby. But, man, that hurts!
　　Mike swung his arm in a circle, wincing.
　　“I’ll just stay back here,” Bella said, embarrassment and chagrin on her facerather than pain. Maybe Mike had got the worst of it. I certainly hoped that was the 
case.
　　At least she wasn’t playing anymore. She held her racquet so carefully behind her back,her eyes wide with remorse… I had to disguise my laugh as coughing.
　　What’s funny? Emmett wanted to know.
　　“Tell you later,” I muttered.
　　Bella didn’t venture into the game again. The coach ignored her and let Mikeplay alone.
　　  I breezed through the quiz at the end of the hour, and Mrs. Goff let me go early. Iwas listening intently to Mike as I walked across the campus. He’d decided to 
confrontBella about me.
　　Jessica swears they’re dating. Why? Why did he have to pick her?
　　He didn’t recognize the real phenomenon—that she’d picked me.
　　“So.”
　　“So what?” she wondered.
　　“You and Cullen, huh?” You and the freak. I guess, if a rich guy is thatimportant to you...
　　I gritted my teeth at his degrading assumption.
　　“That’s none of your business, Mike.”
　　Defensive. So it’s true. Crap. “I don’t like it.”
　　“You don’t have to,” she snapped.
　　Why can’t she see what a circus sideshow he is? Like they all are. The way hestares at her. It gives me chills to watch. “He looks at you like…like you’re 
something toeat.”
　　I cringed, waiting for her response.
　　Her face turned bright red, and her lips pressed together like she was holding herbreath. Then, suddenly, a giggle burst through her lips.
　　Now she’s laughing at me. Great.
　　Mike turned, thoughts sullen, and wandered off to change.
　　I leaned against the gym wall and tried to compose myself.
　　How could she have laughed at Mike’s accusation—so entirely on target that Ibegan to worry that Forks was becoming too aware… Why would she laugh at 
thesuggestion that I could kill her, when she knew that it was entirely true? Where was thehumor in that?
　　What was wrong with her?
　　Did she have morbid sense of humor? That didn’t fit with my idea of hercharacter, but how could I be sure? Or maybe my daydream of the giddy angel was truein the 
one respect, in that she had no sense of fear at all. Brave—that was one word forit. Others might say stupid, but I knew how bright she was. No matter what the reason, 
 though, this lack of fear or twisted sense of humor wasn’t good for her. Was it thisstrange lack that put her in danger so constantly? Maybe she would always need 
mehere…Just like that, my mood was soaring.
　　If I could just discipline myself, make myself safe, then perhaps it would be rightfor me to stay with her.
　　When she walked through the gym doors, her shoulders were stiff and her lowerlip was between her teeth again—a sign of anxiety. But as soon as her eyes met 
mine,her rigid shoulders relaxed and a wide smile spread across her face. It was an oddlypeaceful expression. She walked right to my side without hesitation, only 
stopping whenshe was so close that her body heat crashed over me like a tidal wave.
　　“Hi,” she whispered.
　　The happiness I felt in this moment was, again, without precedent.
　　“Hello,” I said, and then—because with my mood suddenly so light I couldn’tresist teasing her—I added, “How was gym?”
　　Her smile wavered. “Fine.”
　　She was a poor liar.
　　“Really?” I asked, about to press the issue—I was still concerned about her head;was she in pain?—but then Mike Newton’s thoughts we so loud they broke 
myconcentration.
　　I hate him. I wish he would die. I hope he drives that shiny car right off a cliff.
　　Why couldn’t he just leave her alone? Stick to his own kind—to the freaks.
　　“What?” Bella demanded.
　　My eyes refocused on her face. She looked at Mike’s retreating back, and then atme again.
　　“Newton’s getting on my nerves,” I admitted.
　　Her mouth fell open, and her smile disappeared. She must have forgotten that I’dhad the power to watch through her calamitous last hour, or hoped that I hadn’t 
utilized it.
　　“You weren’t listening again?”
　　“How’s your head?”
　　  “You’re unbelievable!” she said through her teeth, and then she turned away fromme and stalked furiously toward the parking lot. Her skin flushed dark red—she 
wasembarrassed.
　　I kept pace with her, hoping that her anger would pass soon. She was usuallyquick to forgive me.
　　“You were the one who mentioned how I’d never seen you in Gym,” I explained.
　　“It made me curious.”
　　She didn’t answer; her eyebrows pulled together.
　　She came to a sudden halt in the parking lot when she realized that the way to mycar was blocked by a crowd of male students.
　　I wonder how fast they’ve gone in this thing…Look at the SMG shift paddles. I’ve never seen those outside of a magazine…Nice side grills…Sure wish I had sixty 
thousand dollars laying around…This was exactly why it was better for Rosalie to only use her car out of town.
　　I wound through the throng of lustful boys to my car; after a second of hesitation,Bella followed suit.
　　“Ostentatious,” I muttered as she climbed in.
　　“What kind of car is that?” she wondered.
　　“An M3.”
　　She frowned. “I don’t speak Car and Driver.”
　　“It’s a BMW.” I rolled my eyes and then focused on backing out without runninganyone down. I had to lock eyes with a few boys that didn’t seem willing to move 
out ofmy way. A half-second meeting my gaze seemed to be enough to convince them.
　　“Are you still angry?” I asked her. Her frown had relaxed.
　　“Definitely,” she answered curtly.
　　I sighed. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up. Oh well. I could try to makeamends, I supposed. “Will you forgive me if I apologize?”
　　She thought about that for a moment. “Maybe…if you mean it,” she decided.
　　“And if you promise not to do it again.”
　　  I wasn’t going to lie to her, and there was no way I was agreeing to that. Perhapsif I offered her a different exchange.
　　“How about if I mean it, and I agree to let you drive this Saturday?” I cringedinternally at the thought.
　　The furrow popped into existence between her eyes as she considered the newbargain. “Deal,” she said after a moment of thought.
　　Now for my apology… I’d never tried to dazzle Bella on purpose before, butnow seemed like a good time. I stared deep into her eyes as I drove away from theschool, 
wondering if I was doing it right. I used my most persuasive tone.
　　“Then I’m very sorry I upset you.”
　　Her heartbeat thudded louder than before, and the rhythm was abruptly staccato.
　　Her eyes widened, looking a little stunned.
　　I half-smiled. It seemed like I’d gotten it right. Of course, I was having a bit ofdifficulty looking away from her eyes, too. Equally dazzled. It was a good thing 
I hadthis road memorized.
　　“And I’ll be on your doorstep bright and early Saturday morning,” I added,finishing the agreement.
　　She blinked swiftly, shaking her head as if to clear it. “Um,” she said, “it doesn’thelp with the Charlie situation if an unexplained Volvo is left in the 
driveway.”
　　Ah, how little she still knew me. “I wasn’t intending to bring a car.”
　　“How—” she started to ask.
　　I interrupted her. The answer would be hard to explain without a demonstration,and now was hardly the time. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll be there, no car.”
　　She put her head on one side, and looked for a second like she was going to pressfor more, but then she seemed to change her mind.
　　“Is it later yet?” she asked, reminding me of our unfinished conversation in thecafeteria today; she’d let go of one difficult question just to return another 
that was moreunappealing.
　　“I suppose it is later,” I agreed unwillingly.
　　  I parked in front of her house, tensing as I tried to think of how toexplain…without making my monstrous nature too evident, without frightening heragain. Or was 
that wrong? To minimalize my darkness?
　　She waited with the same politely interested mask she’d worn at lunch. If I’dbeen less anxious, her preposterous calm would have made me laugh.
　　“And you still want to know why you can’t see me hunt?” I asked.
　　“Well, mostly I was wondering about your reaction,” she said.
　　“Did I frighten you?” I asked, positive that she would deny it.
　　“No.”
　　I tried not to smile, and failed. “I apologize for scaring you.” And then my smilevanished with the momentary humor. “It was just the very thought of you 
beingthere…while we hunted.”
　　“That would be bad?”
　　The mental picture was too much—Bella, so vulnerable in the empty darkness;myself, out of control… I tried to banish it from my head. “Extremely.”
　　“Because…?”
　　I took a deep breath, concentrating for one moment on the burning thirst. Feelingit, managing it, proving my dominion over it. It would never control me again—I 
willedthat to be true. I would be safe for her. I stared at the welcome clouds without seeingthem, wishing I could believe that my determination would make any 
difference if I werehunting when I crossed her scent.
　　“When we hunt…we give ourselves over to our senses,” I told her, thinkingthrough each word before I spoke it. “Govern less with our minds. Especially our 
senseof smell. If you were anywhere near me when I lost control that way…”
　　I shook my head in agony at the thought of what would—not what could, butwhat would—surely happen then.
　　I listened to the spike in her heartbeat, and then turned, restless, to read her eyes.
　　Bella’s face was composed, her eyes grave. Her mouth was pursed just slightly inwhat I guessed was concern. But concern for what? Her own safety? Or my anguish? 
Icontinued to stare at her, trying to translate her ambiguous expression into sure fact.
　　  She gazed back. Her eyes grew wider after a moment, and her pupils dilated,though the light had not changed.
　　My breathing accelerated, and suddenly the quiet in the car seemed to behumming, just like in the darkened biology room this afternoon. The pulsing currentraced 
between us again, and my desire to touch her was, briefly, stronger even than thedemands of my thirst.
　　The throbbing electricity made it feel like I had a pulse again. My body sang withit. Like I was human. More than anything in the world, I wanted to feel the heat 
of herlips against mine. For one second, I struggled desperately to find the strength, thecontrol, to able to put my mouth so close to her skin…She sucked in a ragged 
breath, and only then did I realize that when I had startedbreathing faster, she had stopped breathing altogether.
　　I closed my eyes, trying to break the connection between us.
　　No more mistakes.
　　Bella’s existence was tied to a thousand delicately balanced chemical processes,all so easily disrupted. The rhythmic expansion of her lungs, the flow of oxygen, 
was lifeor death to her. The fluttering cadence of her fragile heart could be stopped by so manystupid accidents or illnesses or…by me.
　　I did not believe that any member of my family would hesitate if he or she wereoffered a chance back—if he or she could trade immortality for mortality again. Any 
oneof us would stand in fire for it. Burn for as many days or centuries as were necessary.
　　Most of our kind prized immortality above anything else. There were evenhumans who craved this, who searched in dark places for those who could give them 
theblackest of gifts…Not us. Not my family. We would trade anything to be human.
　　But none of us had ever been as desperate for a way back as I was now.
　　I stared at the microscopic pits and flaws in the windshield, like there was somesolution hidden in the glass. The electricity had not faded, and I had to 
concentrate tokeep my hands on the wheel.
　　My right hand began to sting without pain again, from when I’d touched herbefore.
　　  “Bella, I think you should go inside now.”
　　She obeyed at once, without comment, getting out of the car and shutting the doorbehind herself. Did she feel the potential for disaster as clearly as I did?
　　Did it hurt her to leave, as it hurt me to let her go? The only solace was that Iwould see her soon. Sooner than she would see me. I smiled at that, then rolled 
thewindow down and leaned across to speak to her one more time—it was safer now, withthe heat of her body outside the car.
　　She turned to see what I wanted, curious.
　　Still curious, though she’d asked me so many questions today. My own curiositywas entirely unsatisfied; answering her questions today had only revealed my secrets
—I’d gotten little from her but my own conjectures. That wasn’t fair.
　　“Oh, Bella?”
　　“Yes?”
　　“Tomorrow it’s my turn.”
　　Her forehead puckered. “Your turn to what?”
　　“Ask the questions.” Tomorrow, when we were in a safer place, surrounded bywitnesses, I would get my own answers. I grinned at the thought, and then I turned 
awaybecause she made no move to leave. Even with her outside of the car, the echo of theelectricity zinged in the air. I wanted to get out, too, to walk her to her door 
as an excuseto stay beside her…No more mistakes. I hit the gas, and then sighed as she disappeared behind me. Itseemed like I was always running toward Bella or 
running away from her, never stayingin place. I would have to find some way to hold my ground if we were ever going tohave any peace.
　　  
　　第十二章  
    难题我们默默地走去上生物课。我极力将注意力集中到眼前这一刻上，集中到我身边这个女孩上，集中到这些实实在在的事情上，随便集中到什么事上都成，只要能把爱丽丝那些毫无意义
的骗人的幻觉从我脑子里赶出去。
　　我们经过安吉拉?韦伯，她一直待在人行道上，跟一个同她一起上三角课的男生讨论作业问题。
　　我马马虎虎地扫过她的想法，本以为自己会更加失望，没想到它们竟流露出某种渴望，让我感到惊讶。
　　啊，这么看来，是有这么一件东西是安吉拉想要的。不幸的是，那不是一件可以轻轻松松被当作礼物打包送出去的东西。
　　听见安吉拉无望的思慕，我感到一种奇怪的宽慰。一种同病相怜的感觉从我心底流过，而安吉拉永远不会知道这一点，我，在那一瞬间，跟这个善良的人类女孩心意相通。
　　原来并不是只有我才爱得如此悲惨，奇怪的是，这抚慰了我的心。心碎的爱情故事到处都是。
　　紧接着下一秒，我又突然感到一阵愤慨不平。因为安吉拉的故事并不是非成为悲剧不可。她是人类，他也是人类，而在她看来似乎是难以克服的差异，其实是那么的可笑，唉，跟我的情况
比起来，真是可笑极了。她的心碎毫无意义。她的悲伤有多浪费啊，既然并没有什么充分理由让她不能跟自己喜欢的人在一起。为什么她不能跟自己喜欢的人在一起呢？为什么这个故事不能有
一个幸福的结局呢？
　　我应该送她一份礼物……那就这样吧，我会给她她想要的。鉴于我要做的事跟人性有关，那 就应该不会太难。我筛查过她身边那个男孩的思想，就是她暗恋的对象，他好像也不是不情愿
，他只是跟她一样被同样的问题难住了。感到无望，却又听天由命，她现在的情况就是这样。
　　我要做的无非就是播下希望的种子……一个计划毫不费力地就在我脑子里成形了，对我来说，给这计划编写脚本不费吹灰之力。我需要爱美特的帮助——要他附和这个计划才是最困难的一
环。跟吸血鬼的天性相比，人性要容易操控得多。
　　让我高兴的是，我已经找到了解决办法，让我能把那份礼物送给安吉拉。这是一个很好的分散注意的方法，让我用不着老想着自己的难题。我自己那个难题也能这么容易被解决吗？
　　当贝拉和我在我们的位置上就坐时，我的心情稍微有点好转了。也许我应该更乐观一点。也许会有别的解决办法，我只是暂时还没找到，就像安吉拉一样，那么明显的解决办法她却没能发
现。两者不太一样……可为什么要把时间浪费在绝望上呢？我没有时间去浪费了。流逝在贝拉身上的时间，每一秒钟都意义非凡。
　　瓦纳先生推了一台电视机和录像机进来。他打算跳过一章他不是十分感兴趣的课文——遗传病——用连放三天电影的方法。《伦佐伦的油》不是一部叫人愉快的片子，可也挡不住教室里的
兴奋气氛。不用记笔记，也不用单元测验。一连三天的自由时间。人们都欢呼雀跃。
　　不管是哪一个原因，都跟我没有关系。我没打算将注意力集中到除贝拉以外的任何事情上。
　　今天我没有把椅子拉开去，远离她，好给自己呼吸的空间。相反，我坐得离她很近，就像正常人一样。比我们坐在车里时还要近，近到足以让我左边的身体被她皮肤散发出来的温热所淹没
。
　　这种经历完全是陌生的，可我情愿这么做也不愿隔着一张桌子坐在她对面。这已经超过了我所习惯的距离，可我很快就意识到这还不够。我还不满足。这么挨近她，只会让我想要靠得更近
。我离得越近，那股吸引力就越强烈。
　　我曾指责她是一块专门吸引危险的磁铁。此时此刻，我分明感觉到：这是一个不折不扣的事实。我就是一个危险人物，而且，随着我允许自己朝她一寸一寸地挨近，她的吸引力也在大幅度
增强。
　　然后瓦纳先生将灯关掉了。
　　太奇怪了，这么一来居然会让一切变了个样儿，就我的视力而论，没有光线对我影响不大。
　　我还是能像刚才那样看得一清二楚。教室里的所有动静都能被我尽收眼底。
　　那为什么空气中会有一股电流让我全身为之一震，既然这片黑暗对我来说根本不算黑暗？是不是因为我知道只有我能看得清清楚楚，而其他人则看不见贝拉和我呢？就像我们正在独处一般
，只有我们两个人，隐藏在漆黑一片的房间里，坐在一起，彼此挨得那么近……我的手在不经我允许的情况下就擅自向她那边伸了过去。只是去碰一下她的手，只是在这片黑暗中握住它。这么
做会不会是一个可怕的错误？要是我的皮肤让她感到不安了，她只要把手移开就好了……我猛地抽回手，两臂交叉紧扣，抱在胸前，双手紧握成拳。别犯错。我承诺过自己不能犯错误的，哪怕
是些看起来无足轻重的错误。如果我握住她的手，我只会想要得到更多——会想要再碰一碰她，会想要进一步靠近她。我能感觉得到。一股新的欲望正从我心底油然而生，企图压倒我的自控力
。
　　别犯错。
　　贝拉交叉两臂，牢牢地抱在胸前，她的双手也握成了拳头，跟我一样。
　　你在想什么？我很想这么低声问她，可房间里太静了，根本不容许我们低声交谈。
　　电影开始了，给这片黑暗带来了一点点光线。贝拉抬头看了我一眼。她注意到了我身体僵硬——就像她一样——然后微笑了一下。她的嘴唇微微张开，她的眼里仿佛充满了热情的诱惑。
　　 又或者，我只是看见我想看的。
　　我也回以微笑；她低喘了口气，很快看向别的地方。
　　那样更糟。我不知道她在想什么，可我突然确信我之前的想法是对的：她想要我碰她。她跟我一样感觉到了这种危险的渴望。
　　在她的身体和我的之间，有一股电流通过。
　　在整一个小时里，她都没有动，让自己僵硬地坐在那儿，显出一副克制的样子，我也一样。
　　偶尔她会偷偷地看我一眼，而这时，那股嗡嗡的电流就会传遍全身，让我悚然一震。
　　这一个小时结束了——结束得很慢，可还不够慢。这种体验是全新的，我能够像这样坐在她身边，坐上一整天，仅仅为了尽情品味一下这份感觉。
　　时间一分一秒的过去，在此期间，我跟自己争论过无数次，我极力想证明自己碰她是有理的，理性与欲望争执不休。
　　终于，瓦纳先生把灯又拧开了。
　　在明亮的日光灯下，房间里的气氛又恢复正常。贝拉叹了口气，向前伸出胳膊，活动了一下手指。对她来说，长时间固定一个姿势肯定会觉得不舒服。这对我来说却不算什么——做到静止
不动再自然不过了。
　　她脸上松口气的表情让我轻声笑出来。“嗯，挺有意思的。”
　　“唔。”她嘀咕了一声，对我话里的暗示心知肚明，可没作什么评论。这一刻，要能听见她现在的想法，我情愿付出一切。
　　我叹了口气。再怎么期盼也无济于事。
　　“我们走吧？”我问道，一边站了起来。
　　她脸上露出苦相，摇摇晃晃地站起身，两手张开，好像生怕自己会摔倒。
　　我可以伸手扶她一把。或者我可以把手放在她的胳膊肘底下——只是轻轻地——好让她站稳。
　　这么做肯定不会是一个可怕的犯规……别犯错。
　　在我们一起走去体育馆的路上，她很安静。她眉宇间的那道皱纹十分明显，她在沉思。我，也在沉思着……碰一下她的皮肤不会弄伤她的，我那自私的一方这么声称。
　　要控制我手上的力道很容易。这真的不会太难，只要我能牢牢地控制住自己。我的触觉比人类的要更发达；我能弄歪成打叠起的高脚水晶酒杯而不会打破其中一只；我能轻抚一个肥皂泡而
不会把它弄破，只要我牢牢地控制住……贝拉就好比一个肥皂泡——易碎而又短暂。转瞬即逝。
　　我出现在她生命中的时间能有多长呢？我还能拥有多少时间呢？我还有机会像现在这次一样吗？如同这一刻，这一秒？她不会永远停留在我触手可及的地方……在体育馆门口，贝拉转身面
对我，我脸上流露出来的表情让她的眼睛睁大了。她没有说话。
　　我看着她眼中映射出来的自己的倒影，看见了我脸上强烈的纠结。我看见我的脸改变了，我那更好的一面输掉了这场争论。
　　我的手在不知不觉中举起。轻轻地，就仿佛她是用最薄的玻璃做成的，就仿佛她是一个易碎的泡影，我的手指拂过她脸颊的温热肌肤。它在我的触摸下变得更热了，我能够感觉到她透明肌
肤下血液的脉动正在加速运行。
　　够了，我命令自己，尽管我的手渴望沿着她的脸颊轻抚下去。够了。
　　要把自己的手扯回来真的很困难，为的是阻止自己比现在更进一步地去接近她。在这一刹那间，我脑子里闪过上千种不同的可能性——上千种去碰她的方式。用我的指尖描摹她唇瓣的形状
。用我的手掌托起她的下巴。拈一绺她的秀发缠绕在我的指间。用我的双臂环住她的腰，让她紧紧贴住我的身躯。
　　 够了。
　　我强迫自己转身，离开她走了。我走路的时候身体直挺挺的——很不情愿。
　　我走得飞快，几乎是逃也似的远离那份诱惑，把心留在了身后，一直留在她身上，注视着她。
　　我捕捉到了麦克?牛顿的思想——它们最响亮——他看见贝拉神情恍惚地从他身边走过，两眼茫然，脸颊绯红；他怒目注视，突然我的名字连着一大串咒骂从他脑子里蹦出来；我不觉轻笑
出声，作为回应。
　　我的手正隐隐刺痛。我活动了一下手掌，然后把它捏成拳头，可还是感到有种针扎一般的刺痛。
　　不，我没有弄伤她——可碰她依然是一个错误。
　　就像一团火焰——就像从我喉间升起的干渴迅速传遍我的全身。
　　若有下一次，当我离她这样近的时候，我能够阻止自己不再碰她吗？还有，如果我再碰她一次，我能让自己就此住手吗？
　　别再犯更多错误了。就是这样。尽情享受这段回忆吧，爱德华，我冷酷地对自己说，还有，管住你的手。否则，或者我将不得不迫使自己离开……以某种方式。因为，如果我坚持继续犯错
的话，我就不允许自己再待在她身边了。
　　我深深地吸了口气，让自己能够定下心来。
　　爱美特在上英语课的教学楼前面看见了我。
　　“嗨，爱德华。”（他看起来好一点了。古里古怪的，可是好一点了。挺快活的。）“嘿，爱美。”我看起来快活吗？我猜，尽管我脑子里乱糟糟的，我是有那种感觉。
　　（想办法管住你的嘴，小子。罗莎莉很想把你的舌头割下来哩。）我叹了口气。“我很抱歉让你来应付这件事。你会生我的气吗？”
　　“没事儿。罗斯会消气的。反正这事儿早晚会发生。”（就像爱丽丝预见的那样……）我眼下还不想去考虑爱丽丝的幻觉。我直视前方，牙齿咬得紧紧的。
　　我看向四周，想找点能分散一下我注意力的东西，结果一眼看见本?切尼走在我们前面，正走进西班牙语课室。啊——我送礼物给安吉拉的机会来了。
　　我停下脚步，一把抓住爱美特的胳膊。“等一等。”
　　（干嘛？）“我知道自己没这资格，可不管怎样，你能不能帮我一个忙呢？”
　　“做什么？”他好奇地问。
　　我说完我的计划后，他茫然地盯着我，他脑子里的想法跟他的脸一样茫然。
　　“怎么样？”我催促道，“你肯不肯帮我这个忙嘛？”
　　他过了一分钟才作出回答。“可这是为什么呀？”
　　“来吧，爱美特。何乐而不为呢？”
　　（你谁啊？你把我的兄弟怎么样啦？）“不是你老在那儿埋怨学校总是老样子一成不变吗？眼下这件事儿就有些不一般了，对吧？
　　你可以把它看作是一个实验——一个关于人性的实验。”
　　他又盯着我看了一会儿，然后屈服了。“好吧，是有点不一般，我想我可以帮你忙……噢，那好吧。”爱美特嗤之以鼻，然后耸耸肩。“我帮你。”
　　我冲他咧嘴一笑，既然有他帮忙，我对这个计划就更热心了。罗莎莉是挺叫人心烦的，不过看在爱美特的份上，我会永远感激她的；没人比我这个兄弟更仗义了。
　　爱美特用不着练习。在我们走进课室的时候，我就把他的台词低声告诉他了。
　　本已经坐进自己的位置，就在我后面那排，他正整理着自己的作业打算交上去。爱美特和我坐在一起，也在整理作业。课室里还没有完全静下来；人们在小声交谈，直到高尔夫人开口叫上
课为止。她这会儿还不急着上课，正批改着上节课的小测验。
　　 “那么，”爱美特开口说道，他说话的声音根本没有必要这么响亮——如果他是真的只跟我一个人说话。“你已经邀请安吉拉?韦伯出去了吗？”
　　我身后纸张翻动的沙沙声突然停住了，本一下子僵在那儿，他的注意力完全被我们的谈话牢牢吸住了。
　　（安吉拉？他们在谈论安吉拉？）很好。我引起他的兴趣了。
　　“没有。”我说道，一边慢慢地摇了摇头，好让自己表现出遗憾的表情。
　　“为什么不呢？”爱美特临时加上一句台词。“你胆怯啦？”
　　我冲他做了个鬼脸。“才不是。我听说她对别人有意思。”
　　（爱德华?卡伦打算邀请安吉拉出去玩？可是……不。我不喜欢。我不想让他靠近她。他……不适合她。这不……安全。）我没有料到他那么有骑士风度，防御本能那么强。我本来以为他
会心生嫉妒呢。可管它产生什么呢。
　　“你就为这事儿放弃了？”爱美特轻蔑地问道，又临时拼凑了一句台词。“不打算跟别人竞争一下？”
　　我怒视他，可还是回应他的台词给出回答。“听着，我猜她真的很喜欢这个叫本的人。我不打算用别的办法让她回心转意。反正还有别的女孩嘛。”
　　坐在我身后那张椅子上的人的反应是大吃一惊。
　　“谁？”爱美特问道，又回到我事先编好的脚本上来。
　　“我的实验搭档说是一个姓切尼的家伙。我不肯定自己是不是认识他。”
　　我稍微敛起了笑容。在这所巴掌大的学校里，只有目中无人的卡伦一家才能成功伪装成不认识这儿的每一个学生。
　　本的头脑正因震惊而变得混乱。（我？赢了爱德华?卡伦？可为什么她会喜欢我？）“爱德华，”爱美特低语，嗓门压低一点了，他的眼睛往后面的男孩咕噜一转。“他就坐你后面呢。”
他用口型示意，可这太明显了，谁都能轻易读懂。
　　“噢。”我小声应了一句。
　　我从椅子上转过身去，朝我身后的男孩瞥了一眼。在这一瞬间，镜片后那双黑眼睛被吓住了，可紧接着他身子一硬，挺了挺他那瘦弱的肩膀，我那明显瞧不起人的打量让他感觉受了侮辱。
　　他的下巴一扬，因愤怒而涨红了脸，使得他那黄褐色的皮肤变得更暗了。
　　“啊哈。”我傲慢地说道，转回身去。
　　（他认为自己比我强。可安吉拉不这么想。我会让他见识见识的……）好极了。
　　“不过，你说她会不会带那只笨笨狗去参加舞会呢？”爱美特问道，当他说到那个男孩时，对他的笨手笨脚嗤之以鼻。
　　“很显然，这事儿得两厢情愿。”我想要确定这个本能清楚这一点。“安吉拉很害羞。要是本——呃，要是某个家伙没有勇气邀请她，她是永远不会开口问他的。”
　　“你就是喜欢害羞的女孩。”爱美特说道，又来即兴创作了。（那种不起眼的女孩。就像……呃，我也不清楚。也许像贝拉?斯旺那样的？）我冲他露齿一笑。“你说对了。”然后我回到
原来的角色。“也许安吉拉会厌倦继续等待。也许我可以邀请她参加舞会。”
　　（不，你不可以，）本想道，在椅子上直起了身子。（那么，她个子比我高很多那又怎么样呢？
　　如果她不在乎，那我也不在乎。她是这所学校里最善良、最聪明、最漂亮的女孩……还有，她喜欢我。）我喜欢这个本。他好像挺聪明的，心肠也好，也许他配得上像安吉拉的女孩。
　　 当高尔夫人站起身向全班同学问好时，我在桌子底下给了爱美特一个大拇指。
　　（好吧，我承认——这确实挺好玩的，）爱美特想道。
　　我冲自己微笑，心里一阵高兴，因为我能够为一个爱情故事画上一个幸福的结局。我有信心这个本会坚持下去的，而安吉拉将收到我这份匿名礼物。我欠她的人情债还清了。
　　唉，人类是多么可笑呀，竟会让六英寸的身高差距打败他们的幸福。
　　我的成功给了我一个好心情。我又露出微笑，在椅子上安顿好，准备让自己好好乐一乐。毕竟，正如贝拉在午饭时指出的，我在此之前还从没见过她在体育课上的表现呢。
　　在体育馆那群闹哄哄的声音里，麦克的想法是最容易找到的。在过去几个星期里，我对他的思想已经熟得不能再熟啦。我叹了口气，还是打算通过他的眼睛来看。至少我能肯定他会注意到
贝拉。
　　我刚好听见他主动提出要成为她的羽毛球搭档；当他这么提议时，脑子里闪过其他搭档的名字。我的笑容逐渐消失了，牙齿咬在一起，我不得不提醒自己谋杀麦克?牛顿是不被法律允许的
。
　　“谢谢你，麦克——你知道吗，你用不着这么做。”
　　“别担心，我不会影响你的。”
　　他们彼此相视一笑，麦克又嗅到了机遇的味道，它正闪闪发光——当然它们总是跟贝拉有关联。
　　起初是麦克一个人打，而贝拉则站在球场的后面犹豫不决，一手紧握球拍，好像那是某种武器。然后克拉普教练溜达过来，命令麦克让贝拉打。
　　（喔喔，）麦克心里惨叫，这时贝拉长叹一声走上前，紧握住球拍，摆出一个笨拙的姿势。
　　珍妮弗?福特满心窃喜，一个球径直朝贝拉飞过去。麦克看见贝拉蹒跚地朝球扑过去，手里挥动着球拍，可显然毫无准头，于是他一个箭步冲上前，企图救回这一球。
　　我注意到贝拉手忙脚乱将那一拍挥出去的轨迹。果然，它打到网上去了，并且朝她反弹回去，砰地一声结结实实地打中了麦克的手臂，随后猛地撞上她的额头。
　　（喔。喔。天。肯定会留下淤痕。）贝拉揉着她的额头。我在位子上快坐不住了，她受了伤呀。可就算我在那儿，又能做什么呢？
　　而且好像伤得不重……我犹豫着，还在看着。要是她还打算继续打下去，我就只好捏造一个借口把她从这节课上拉走了。
　　教练笑了起来。“抱歉，牛顿。”（这女孩还真是个丧门星，真不该硬叫别人跟她组成一组……）他故意转身背对她，走开去看别的小组比赛，好让贝拉回到她之前扮演的旁观者角色。
　　（喔，）麦克心里又在惨叫，一边揉着他的胳膊。他转向贝拉。“你还好吧？”
　　“还好，你怎么样？”她羞怯地问道，脸都红了。
　　“我想我还能应付。”（别说得像个爱哭鬼一样。可是，妈呀，太疼了！）麦克甩了甩胳膊，疼得缩开了。
　　“我还是待在后面好了，”贝拉说道，她脸上的表情倒不怎么痛苦，反而充满尴尬和懊恼。也许麦克伤得比她重。我当然希望是这样啦。至少她用不着再玩了。她小心翼翼地把球拍背在身
后，眼睛里满是懊悔……我不得不用咳嗽来掩饰笑声。
　　 （有什么好玩儿的？）爱美特想知道。
　　“稍后再告诉你。”我低声道。
　　贝拉没有再冒险加入比赛。教练彻底无视她，让麦克一个人打。
　　在那个小时的最后时段，我漫不经心地做完了小测验，于是高尔夫人让我提前下课。我一边穿过校园，一边专心地去听麦克。他决定向贝拉当面问清关于我的事。
　　（杰西卡断言他们在约会。为什么？干嘛他偏要看中她？）他没有认清这一事实——是她看中我。
　　“那么。”
　　“那么什么？”她疑惑地问道。
　　“你和卡伦，哈？”（你和那个怪胎。我猜，如果你是看中他有钱……）他这种低级的臆断让我把牙齿咬得格格响。
　　“这不关你的事，麦克。”
　　（瞧她一脸戒备。看来这事儿是真的了。狗屁。）“我不喜欢。”
　　“用不着你喜欢。”她厉声道。
　　（她怎么就没看出来他像个马戏团的小丑？他们全家都是那副德性。他盯着她看时的样子。
　　让我看了直打哆嗦。）“他看你时的样子……就像把你当成点心一样。”
　　我畏缩了，等着她回应。
　　她的脸蛋涨得通红，她的嘴唇紧抿，就好像她在憋住气一样。接着，突然，她唇瓣挤出几声冷笑。
　　（这会儿她正笑话我呢。好极了。）麦克转过身去，心里闷闷不乐的，打算走开找点别的事干。
　　我靠在体育馆的墙上，极力让自己平静下来。
　　她怎么能取笑麦克的指控呢——他的指责一语中的，让我开始担心福克斯人是不是都意识到什么了……她怎么能对我会杀死她这一指控还笑得出来，当她知道这是确凿的事实？这事儿有那
么幽默吗？
　　她脑子究竟有什么毛病啊？
　　她是不是有某种病态的幽默感呀？这不符合我所了解的她的性格，可我怎么能确定呢？又或许，我妄想的那个轻率的天使确实在某个方面存在着，因为她根本没有恐惧感。勇敢——这是另
一种说法。别的人可能会称之为愚蠢，可我知道她有多聪明。然而，不管是什么理由，这种恐惧感的欠缺或者是反常的幽默感对她来说都不是一件好事。会不会就是这种欠缺经常给她带来危险
呢？也许她会一直需要我留在这儿……我的情绪冷不丁变得高昂起来。
　　如果我能管好自己，确保我是安全的，那么或许我留在她身边就成了一件好事。
　　当她从体育馆门口走出来时，她的肩膀僵硬，又用牙齿咬住下唇——一个焦虑的标记。可当她的眼睛一看见我，她那僵硬的肩膀一下子就放松下来，脸上绽开了灿烂的笑容。奇怪的是，她
的表情很平和。她毫不犹豫地朝我这边走过来，在离我很近的地方停下，她挨得那么近，以致从她身上散发的体热犹如波浪一般朝我席卷过来。
　　 “嗨。”她低声道。
　　这一刻我再次感受到前所未有的快乐。
　　“你好，”我说道，接着——因为我的心情突然变得太轻松了，让我忍不住要去取笑她——我加上一句。“体育课上得怎么样？”
　　她的笑容有些勉强。“挺好。”
　　她真是个蹩脚的撒谎者。
　　“真的吗？”我问道，正打算逼问出实情——我还是不放心她的头，她现在还疼吗？——可紧接着麦克?牛顿脑子里刺耳的声音打断了我的注意力，他正在想我们的事。
　　（我恨他。我巴不得他死掉。我恨不得他开着那辆闪亮亮的汽车从悬崖摔下去。为什么他不能离她远点？就跟他的同类待在一块儿好了——跟那些怪胎。）“怎么了？”贝拉询问。
　　我的眼睛回到她脸上。她看着麦克渐行渐远的背影，然后又回到我身上。
　　“牛顿让我感到有点不安。”我承认道。
　　她的嘴巴张开了，然后脸上的微笑消失了。“你不会又在偷听吧？”
　　“你的头没事吧？”
　　“你真是让人难以置信！”她从牙缝里挤出这句话，然后转身离开我，迈开大步气冲冲地走向停车场。她脸上通红通红的——她窘极了。
　　我合着她的脚步跟上去，一心盼望她的怒火能赶快过去。她通常很快就会原谅我的。
　　“是你说我从没见过你在体育馆时的样子的，”我解释道，“你的话让我很好奇。”
　　她没有回话；两道眉毛揪在一起。
　　到了停车场，她突然停下脚步，她看见我车前面那条路被一大群男生堵住了。
　　（我想知道有了这玩意儿它到底能开多快……看看这个SMG 拨片换挡键。我还从没在杂志以外的地方见过呢。
　　车身酷毙了。
　　真希望我也能有6 万块钱来装扮自己的车……）这就是为什么罗莎莉最好在镇外才开她这辆车。
　　我拨开这群垂涎欲滴的男生走向我的车；贝拉迟疑了一秒钟，也跟着我做。
　　“太招摇了。”当她坐进来时，我嘀咕了一句。
　　“那是辆什么车？”她询问。
　　“一辆M3。”
　　她皱了皱眉。“我不懂《名车志》上的术语。”
　　“是一辆宝马。”我转了转眼睛，然后小心翼翼地在不压倒人的情况下把车子倒出来。我不得不把目光锁定在几个男生身上，他们似乎很不情愿给我让路。但过不了半秒钟我的目光就让他
们乖乖听话了。
　　“你还在生气？”我问她道。她的眉头还在紧锁着。
　　“当然。”她简洁的回答。
　　我叹了口气。也许我是不该揭她疮疤的。噢，那好吧。我猜我能想出补救办法的。“要是我道歉的话，你会原谅我吗？”
　　她想了一会儿。“也许吧……如果你是真心的话，”她打定主意，“不过你要保证以后再也不这样了。”
　　我不打算对她撒谎，可要我照她说的去做，我可办不到。也许我能给她提供另外一个交换条件。
　　“要是我是真心的，而且还答应周六让你开车呢？”一想到这，我就打了个哆嗦。
　　她皱起眉头，考虑着我这个新提议。“成交。”她想了一会儿后说道 .