Introduction by Mr. Pooter
         Why should I not publish my diary? I have often seen reminiscencesof people I have never even heard of, and I fail to see - because I do nothappen to be a 'Somebody' - why my diary should not be interesting. Myonly regret is that I did not commence it when I was a youth.
　　Charles Pooter The Laurels, Brickfield Terrace Holloway.
Chapter 1
　　We settle down in our new home, and I resolve to keep a diary.
　　Tradesmen trouble us a bit, so does the scraper. The Curate calls andpays me a great compliment.
　　My clear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our new house,"The Laurels," Brickfield Terrace, Holloway - a nice six-roomed residence,not counting basement, with a front breakfast-parlour. We have a littlefront garden; and there is a flight of ten steps up to the front door, which,by-the-by, we keep locked with the chain up. Cummings, Gowing, andour other intimate friends always come to the little side entrance, whichsaves the servant the trouble of going up to the front door, thereby takingher from her work. We have a nice little back garden which runs down tothe railway. We were rather afraid of the noise of the trains at first, butthe landlord said we should not notice them after a bit, and took 2 poundsoff the rent. He was certainly right; and beyond the cracking of thegarden wall at the bottom, we have suffered no inconvenience.
　　After my work in the City, I like to be at home. What's the good of ahome, if you are never in it? "Home, Sweet Home," that's my motto. Iam always in of an evening. Our old friend Gowing may drop in withoutceremony; so may Cummings, who lives opposite. My dear wifeCaroline and I are pleased to see them, if they like to drop in on us. ButCarrie and I can manage to pass our evenings together without friends.
　　There is always something to be done: a tin-tack here, a Venetian blindto put straight, a fan to nail up, or part of a carpet to nail down - all ofwhich I can do with my pipe in my mouth; while Carrie is not aboveputting a button on a shirt, mending a pillow-case, or practising the"Sylvia Gavotte" on our new cottage piano (on the three years' system),manufactured by W. Bilkson (in small letters), from Collard and Collard(in very large letters). It is also a great comfort to us to know that ourboy Willie is getting on so well in the Bank at Oldham. We should liketo see more of him. Now for my diary:
　　April 3. -Tradesmen called for custom, and I promised Farmerson,the ironmonger, to give him a turn if I wanted any nails or tools. By-the-by,that reminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and the bells must beseen to. The parlour bell is broken, and the front door rings up in theservant's bedroom, which is ridiculous. Dear friend Gowing dropped in,but wouldn't stay, saying there was an infernal smell of paint.
　　April 4. Tradesmen still calling; Carrie being out, I arranged to dealwith Horwin, who seemed a civil butcher with a nice clean shop.
　　Ordered a shoulder of mutton for to-morrow, to give him a trial. Carriearranged with Borset, the butterman, and ordered a pound of fresh butter,and a pound and a half of salt ditto for kitchen, and a shilling's worth ofeggs. In the evening, Cummings unexpectedly dropped in to show me ameerschaum pipe he had won in a raffle in the City, and told me to handleit carefully, as it would spoil the colouring if the hand was moist. Hesaid he wouldn't stay, as he didn't care much for the smell of the paint, andfell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, orelse I shall get into a SCRAPE. I don't often make jokes.
　　April 5. -Two shoulders of mutton arrived, Carrie having arrangedwith another butcher without consulting me. Gowing called, and fellover scraper coming in. MUST get that scraper removed.
　　April 6. - Eggs for breakfast simply shocking; sent them back toBorset with my compliments, and he needn't call any more for orders.
　　Couldn't find umbrella, and though it was pouring with rain, had to gowithout it. Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have took it by mistake lastnight, as there was a stick in the 'all that didn't belong to nobody. In theevening, hearing someone talking in a loud voice to the servant in thedownstairs hall, I went out to see who it was, and was surprised to find itwas Borset, the butterman, who was both drunk and offensive. Borset,on seeing me, said he would be hanged if he would ever serve City clerksany more - the game wasn't worth the candle. I restrained my feelings,and quietly remarked that I thought it was POSSIBLE for a city clerk to bea GENTLEMAN. He replied he was very glad to hear it, and wanted toknow whether I had ever come across one, for HE hadn't. He left thehouse, slamming the door after him, which nearly broke the fanlight; and I heard him fall over the scraper, which made me feel glad I hadn't removedit. When he had gone, I thought of a splendid answer I ought to havegiven him. However, I will keep it for another occasion.
　　April 7. - Being Saturday, I looked forward to being home early, andputting a few things straight; but two of our principals at the office wereabsent through illness, and I did not get home till seven. Found Borsetwaiting. He had been three times during the day to apologise for hisconduct last night. He said he was unable to take his Bank Holiday lastMonday, and took it last night instead. He begged me to accept hisapology, and a pound of fresh butter. He seems, after all, a decent sort offellow; so I gave him an order for some fresh eggs, with a request that onthis occasion they SHOULD be fresh. I am afraid we shall have to getsome new stair-carpets after all; our old ones are not quite wide enough tomeet the paint on either side. Carrie suggests that we might ourselvesbroaden the paint. I will see if we can match the colour (dark chocolate)on Monday.
　　April 8, Sunday. - After Church, the Curate came back with us. I sentCarrie in to open front door, which we do not use except on specialoccasions. She could not get it open, and after all my display, I had totake the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I did not catch,) round the sideentrance. He caught his foot in the scraper, and tore the bottom of histrousers. Most annoying, as Carrie could not well offer to repair them ona Sunday. After dinner, went to sleep. Took a walk round the garden,and discovered a beautiful spot for sowing mustard-and-cress and radishes.
　　Went to Church again in the evening: walked back with the Curate.
　　Carrie noticed he had got on the same pair of trousers, only repaired. Hewants me to take round the plate, which I think a great compliment.
Chapter 2
　　Tradesmen and the scraper still troublesome. Gowing rather tiresomewith his complaints of the paint. I make one of the best jokes of my life.
　　Delights of Gardening. Mr. Stillbrook, Gowing, Cummings, and I have alittle misunderstanding. Sarah makes me look a fool before CummingsApril 9. - Commenced the morning badly. The butcher, whom wedecided NOT to arrange with, called and blackguarded me in the mostuncalled-for manner. He began by abusing me, and saying he did notwant my custom. I simply said: "Then what are you making all thisfuss about it for?" And he shouted out at the top of his voice, so that allthe neighbours could hear: "Pah! go along. Ugh! I could buy up'things' like you by the dozen!"I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that thisdisgraceful scene was entirely her fault, when there was a violent kickingat the door, enough to break the panels. It was the blackguard butcheragain, who said he had cut his foot over the scraper, and wouldimmediately bring an action against me. Called at Farmerson's, theironmonger, on my way to town, and gave him the job of moving thescraper and repairing the bells, thinking it scarcely worth while to troublethe landlord with such a trifling matter.
　　Arrived home tired and worried. Mr. Putley, a painter and decorator,who had sent in a card, said he could not match the colour on the stairs, asit contained Indian carmine. He said he spent half-a-day calling atwarehouses to see if he could get it. He suggested he should entirelyrepaint the stairs. It would cost very little more; if he tried to match it, hecould only make a bad job of it. It would be more satisfactory to him andto us to have the work done properly. I consented, but felt I had beentalked over. Planted some mustard-and-cress and radishes, and went tobed at nine.
　　April 10. - Farmerson came round to attend to the scraper himself. Heseems a very civil fellow. He says he does not usually conduct such small jobs personally, but for me he would do so. I thanked him, andwent to town. It is disgraceful how late some of the young clerks are atarriving. I told three of them that if Mr. Perkupp, the principal, heard ofit, they might be discharged.
　　Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us six weeks, toldme "to keep my hair on!" I informed him I had had the honour of beingin the firm twenty years, to which he insolently replied that I "looked it."I gave him an indignant look, and said: "I demand from you somerespect, sir." He replied: "All right, go on demanding." I would notargue with him any further. You cannot argue with people like that. Inthe evening Gowing called, and repeated his complaint about the smell ofpaint. Gowing is sometimes very tedious with his remarks, and notalways cautious; and Carrie once very properly reminded him that she waspresent.
　　April 11. - Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. To-daywas a day of annoyances. I missed the quarter-to-nine 'bus to the City,through having words with the grocer's boy, who for the second time hadthe impertinence to bring his basket to the hall- door, and had left themarks of his dirty boots on the fresh- cleaned door-steps. He said he hadknocked at the side door with his knuckles for a quarter of an hour. Iknew Sarah, our servant, could not hear this, as she was upstairs doing thebedrooms, so asked the boy why he did not ring the bell? He replied thathe did pull the bell, but the handle came off in his hand.
　　I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has never happened tome before. There has recently been much irregularity in the attendanceof the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp, our principal, unfortunately choose thisvery morning to pounce down upon us early. Someone had given the tipto the others. The result was that I was the only one late of the lot.
　　Buckling, one of the senior clerks, was a brick, and I was saved by hisintervention. As I passed by Pitt's desk, I heard him remark to hisneighbour: "How disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive!" Thiswas, of course, meant for me. I treated the observation with silence,simply giving him a look, which unfortunately had the effect of makingboth of the clerks laugh. Thought afterwards it would have been more dignified if I had pretended not to have heard him at all. Cummingscalled in the evening, and we played dominoes.
　　April 12. - Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. LeftFarmerson repairing the scraper, but when I came home found three menworking. I asked the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that in making afresh hole he had penetrated the gas-pipe. He said it was a mostridiculous place to put the gas-pipe, and the man who did it evidentlyknew nothing about his business. I felt his excuse was no consolation forthe expense I shall be put to.
　　In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had a smoketogether in the breakfast-parlour. Carrie joined us later, but did not staylong, saying the smoke was too much for her. It was also rather toomuch for me, for Gowing had given me what he called a green cigar, onethat his friend Shoemach had just brought over from America. The cigardidn't look green, but I fancy I must have done so; for when I had smokeda little more than half I was obliged to retire on the pretext of telling Sarahto bring in the glasses.
　　I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling the need offresh air. On returning Gowing noticed I was not smoking: offered meanother cigar, which I politely declined. Gowing began his usual sniffing,so, anticipating him, I said: "You're not going to complain of the smell ofpaint again?" He said: "No, not this time; but I'll tell you what, Idistinctly smell dry rot." I don't often make jokes, but I replied:
　　"You're talking a lot of DRY ROT yourself." I could not help roaring atthis, and Carrie said her sides quite ached with laughter. I never was soimmensely tickled by anything I have ever said before. I actually wokeup twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.
　　April 13. - An extraordinary coincidence: Carrie had called in awoman to make some chintz covers for our drawing-room chairs and sofato prevent the sun fading the green rep of the furniture. I saw the woman,and recognised her as a woman who used to work years ago for my oldaunt at Clapham. It only shows how small the world is.
　　April 14. - Spent the whole of the afternoon in the garden, having thismorning picked up at a bookstall for fivepence a capital little book, in good condition, on GARDENING. I procured and sowed some half-hardy annuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny border. I thought ofa joke, and called out Carrie. Carrie came out rather testy, I thought.
　　said: "I have just discovered we have got a lodging-house." She replied:
　　"How do you mean?" I said: "Look at the BOARDERS." Carrie said:
　　"Is that all you wanted me for?" I said: "Any other time you wouldhave laughed at my little pleasantry." Carrie said: "Certainly - AT ANYOTHER TIME, but not when I am busy in the house." The stairs lookedvery nice. Gowing called, and said the stairs looked ALL RIGHT, but itmade the banisters look ALL WRONG, and suggested a coat of paint onthem also, which Carrie quite agreed with. I walked round to Putley, andfortunately he was out, so I had a good excuse to let the banisters slide.
　　By-the-by, that is rather funny.
　　April 15, Sunday. - At three o'clock Cummings and Gowing called fora good long walk over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them afriend named Stillbrook. We walked and chatted together, exceptStillbrook, who was always a few yards behind us staring at the groundand cutting at the grass with his stick.
　　As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, and Gowingsuggested that we should make for "The Cow and Hedge" and get sometea. Stillbrook said: "A brandy-and-soda was good enough for him."I reminded them that all public-houses were closed till six o'clock.
　　Stillbrook said, "That's all right - BONA-FIDE travellers."We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of the gatesaid: "Where from?" I replied: "Holloway." He immediately put uphis arm, and declined to let me pass. I turned back for a moment, when Isaw Stillbrook, closely followed by Cummings and Gowing, make for theentrance. I watched them, and thought I would have a good laugh at theirexpense, I heard the porter say: "Where from?" When, to my surprise,in fact disgust, Stillbrook replied: "Blackheath," and the three wereimmediately admitted.
　　Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: "We shan't be aminute." I waited for them the best part of an hour. When theyappeared they were all in most excellent spirits, and the only one who made an effort to apologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to me: "It wasvery rough on you to be kept waiting, but we had another spin for S. andB.'s." I walked home in silence; I couldn't speak to them. I felt verydull all the evening, but deemed it advisable NOT to say anything toCarrie about the matter.
　　April 16. - After business, set to work in the garden. When it gotdark I wrote to Cummings and Gowing (who neither called, for a wonder;perhaps they were ashamed of themselves) about yesterday's adventure at"The Cow and Hedge." Afterwards made up my mind not to write YET.
　　April 17. - Thought I would write a kind little note to Gowing andCummings about last Sunday, and warning them against Mr. Stillbrook.
　　Afterwards, thinking the matter over, tore up the letters and determinednot to WRITE at all, but to SPEAK quietly to them. Dumfounded atreceiving a sharp letter from Cummings, saying that both he and Gowinghad been waiting for an explanation of MY (mind you, MY) extraordinaryconduct coming home on Sunday. At last I wrote: "I thought I was theaggrieved party; but as I freely forgive you, you - feeling yourselfaggrieved - should bestow forgiveness on me." I have copied thisVERBATIM in the diary, because I think it is one of the most perfect andthoughtful sentences I have ever written. I posted the letter, but in myown heart I felt I was actually apologising for having been insulted.
　　April 18. - Am in for a cold. Spent the whole day at the officesneezing. In the evening, the cold being intolerable, sent Sarah out for abottle of Kinahan. Fell asleep in the arm-chair, and woke with theshivers. Was startled by a loud knock at the front door. Carrie awfullyflurried. Sarah still out, so went up, opened the door, and found it wasonly Cummings. Remembered the grocer's boy had again broken theside-bell. Cummings squeezed my hand, and said: "I've just seenGowing. All right. Say no more about it." There is no doubt they areboth under the impression I have apologised.
　　While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said:
　　"By-the-by, do you want any wine or spirits? My cousin Merton has justset up in the trade, and has a splendid whisky, four years in bottle, atthirty-eight shillings. It is worth your while laying down a few dozen of it." I told him my cellars, which were very small, were full up. To myhorror, at that very moment, Sarah entered the room, and putting a bottleof whisky, wrapped in a dirty piece of newspaper, on the table in front ofus, said: "Please, sir, the grocer says he ain't got no more Kinahan, butyou'll find this very good at two-and-six, with twopence returned on thebottle; and, please, did you want any more sherry? as he has some at one-and-three, as dry as a nut!"
Chapter 3
　　A conversation with Mr. Merton on Society. Mr. and Mrs. James, ofSutton, come up. A miserable evening at the Tank Theatre. Experimentswith enamel paint. I make another good joke; but Gowing andCummings are unnecessarily offended. I paint the bath red, withunexpected result.
　　April 19. - Cummings called, bringing with him his friend Merton,who is in the wine trade. Gowing also called. Mr. Merton madehimself at home at once, and Carrie and I were both struck with himimmediately, and thoroughly approved of his sentiments.
　　He leaned back in his chair and said: "You must take me as I am;"and I replied: "Yes - and you must take us as we are. We're homelypeople, we are not swells."He answered: "No, I can see that," and Gowing roared with laughter;but Merton in a most gentlemanly manner said to Gowing: "I don't thinkyou quite understand me. I intended to convey that our charming hostand hostess were superior to the follies of fashion, and preferred leading asimple and wholesome life to gadding about to twopenny-halfpenny tea-drinking afternoons, and living above their incomes."I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of Merton's, andconcluded that subject by saying: "No, candidly, Mr. Merton, we don'tgo into Society, because we do not care for it; and what with the expenseof cabs here and cabs there, and white gloves and white ties, etc., it doesn'tseem worth the money."Merton said in reference to FRIENDS: "My motto is 'Few and True;'
　　and, by the way, I also apply that to wine, 'Little and Good.'" Gowing said:
　　"Yes, and sometimes 'cheap and tasty,' eh, old man?" Merton, stillcontinuing, said he should treat me as a friend, and put me down for adozen of his "Lockanbar" whisky, and as I was an old friend of Gowing, Ishould have it for 36s., which was considerably under what he paid for it.
　　He booked his own order, and further said that at any time I wanted any passes for the theatre I was to let him know, as his name stood goodfor any theatre in London.
　　April 20. - Carrie reminded me that as her old school friend, AnnieFullers (now Mrs. James), and her husband had come up from Sutton for afew days, it would look kind to take them to the theatre, and would I dropa line to Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four, either for the ItalianOpera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum. I wrote Merton to that effect.
　　April 21. - Got a reply from Merton, saying he was very busy, and justat present couldn't manage passes for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, Savoy,or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London was the BROWNBUSHES, at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed seats for four; alsobill for whisky.
　　April 23. - Mr. and Mrs. James (Miss Fullers that was) came to meattea, and we left directly after for the Tank Theatre. We got a 'bus thattook us to King's Cross, and then changed into one that took us to the"Angel." Mr. James each time insisted on paying for all, saying that Ihad paid for the tickets and that was quite enough.
　　We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all our 'bus-loadexcept an old woman with a basket seemed to be going in. I walkedahead and presented the tickets. The man looked at them, and called out:
　　"Mr. Willowly! do you know anything about these?" holding up my tickets.
　　The gentleman called to, came up and examined my tickets, and said:
　　"Who gave you these?" I said, rather indignantly: "Mr. Merton, ofcourse." He said: "Merton? Who's he?" I answered, rather sharply:
　　"You ought to know, his name's good at any theatre in London." Hereplied: "Oh! is it? Well, it ain't no good here. These tickets, which arenot dated, were issued under Mr. Swinstead's management, which hassince changed hands." While I was having some very unpleasant wordswith the man, James, who had gone upstairs with the ladies, called out:
　　"Come on!" I went up after them, and a very civil attendant said: "Thisway, please, box H." I said to James: "Why, how on earth did youmanage it?" and to my horror he replied: "Why, paid for it of course."This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow the play, butI was doomed to still further humiliation. I was leaning out of the box, when my tie - a little black bow which fastened on to the stud by means ofa new patent - fell into the pit below. A clumsy man not noticing it, hadhis foot on it for ever so long before he discovered it. He then picked itup and eventually flung it under the next seat in disgust. What with thebox incident and the tie, I felt quite miserable. Mr. James, of Sutton, wasvery good. He said: "Don't worry - no one will notice it with yourbeard. That is the only advantage of growing one that I can see." Therewas no occasion for that remark, for Carrie is very proud of my beard.
　　To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down the rest ofthe evening, which caused a pain at the back of my neck.
　　April 24. - Could scarcely sleep a wink through thinking of havingbrought up Mr. and Mrs. James from the country to go to the theatre lastnight, and his having paid for a private box because our order was nothonoured, and such a poor play too. I wrote a very satirical letter toMerton, the wine merchant, who gave us the pass, and said, "Consideringwe had to pay for our seats, we did our best to appreciate theperformance." I thought this line rather cutting, and I asked Carrie howmany p's there were in appreciate, and she said, "One." After I sent offthe letter I looked at the dictionary and found there were two. Awfullyvexed at this.
　　Decided not to worry myself any more about the James's; for, as Carriewisely said, "We'll make it all right with them by asking them up fromSutton one evening next week to play at Bezique."April 25. - In consequence of Brickwell telling me his wife wasworking wonders with the new Pinkford's enamel paint, I determined totry it. I bought two tins of red on my way home. I hastened through tea,went into the garden and painted some flower-pots. I called out Carrie,who said: "You've always got some newfangled craze;" but she wasobliged to admit that the flower-pots looked remarkably well. Wentupstairs into the servant's bedroom and painted her washstand, towel-horse,and chest of drawers. To my mind it was an extraordinary improvement,but as an example of the ignorance of the lower classes in the matter oftaste, our servant, Sarah, on seeing them, evinced no sign of pleasure, butmerely said "she thought they looked very well as they was before." April 26. - Got some more red enamel paint (red, to my mind, beingthe best colour), and painted the coal-scuttle, and the backs of ourSHAKSPEARE, the binding of which had almost worn out.
　　April 27. - Painted the bath red, and was delighted with the result.
　　Sorry to say Carrie was not, in fact we had a few words about it. Shesaid I ought to have consulted her, and she had never heard of such a thingas a bath being painted red. I replied: "It's merely a matter of taste."Fortunately, further argument on the subject was stopped by a voicesaying, "May I come in?" It was only Cummings, who said, "Your maidopened the door, and asked me to excuse her showing me in, as she waswringing out some socks." I was delighted to see him, and suggested weshould have a game of whist with a dummy, and by way of merriment said:
　　"You can be the dummy." Cummings (I thought rather ill-naturedly)replied: "Funny as usual." He said he couldn't stop, he only called toleave me the BICYCLE NEWS, as he had done with it.
　　Another ring at the bell; it was Gowing, who said he "must apologisefor coming so often, and that one of these days we must come round toHIM." I said: "A very extraordinary thing has struck me.""Something funny, as usual," said Cummings. "Yes," I replied; "I thinkeven you will say so this time. It's concerning you both; for doesn't itseem odd that Gowing's always coming and Cummings' always going?"Carrie, who had evidently quite forgotten about the bath, went into fits oflaughter, and as for myself, I fairly doubled up in my chair, till it crackedbeneath me. I think this was one of the best jokes I have ever made.
　　Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings andGowing perfectly silent, and without a smile on their faces. After ratheran unpleasant pause, Cummings, who had opened a cigar-case, closed itup again and said: "Yes - I think, after that, I SHALL be going, and I amsorry I fail to see the fun of your jokes." Gowing said he didn't mind ajoke when it wasn't rude, but a pun on a name, to his thinking, wascertainly a little wanting in good taste. Cummings followed it up bysaying, if it had been said by anyone else but myself, he shouldn't haveentered the house again. This rather unpleasantly terminated what mighthave been a cheerful evening. However, it was as well they went, for the charwoman had finished up the remains of the cold pork.
　　April 28. - At the office, the new and very young clerk Pitt, who wasvery impudent to me a week or so ago, was late again. I told him itwould be my duty to inform Mr. Perkupp, the principal. To my surprise,Pitt apologised most humbly and in a most gentlemanly fashion. I wasunfeignedly pleased to notice this improvement in his manner towards me,and told him I would look over his unpunctuality. Passing down theroom an hour later. I received a smart smack in the face from a rolled-upball of hard foolscap. I turned round sharply, but all the clerks wereapparently riveted to their work. I am not a rich man, but I would givehalf-a-sovereign to know whether that was thrown by accident or design.
　　Went home early and bought some more enamel paint - black this timeand spent the evening touching up the fender, picture-frames, and an oldpair of boots, making them look as good as new. Also painted Gowing'swalking-stick, which he left behind, and made it look like ebony.
　　April 29, Sunday. - Woke up with a fearful headache and strongsymptoms of a cold. Carrie, with a perversity which is just like her, saidit was "painter's colic," and was the result of my having spent the last fewdays with my nose over a paint-pot. I told her firmly that I knew a greatdeal better what was the matter with me than she did. I had got a chill,and decided to have a bath as hot as I could bear it. Bath ready - couldscarcely bear it so hot. I persevered, and got in; very hot, but veryacceptable. I lay still for some time.
　　On moving my hand above the surface of the water, I experienced thegreatest fright I ever received in the whole course of my life; for imaginemy horror on discovering my hand, as I thought, full of blood. My firstthought was that I had ruptured an artery, and was bleeding to death, andshould be discovered, later on, looking like a second Marat, as I rememberseeing him in Madame Tussaud's. My second thought was to ring thebell, but remembered there was no bell to ring. My third was, that therewas nothing but the enamel paint, which had dissolved with boiling water.
　　I stepped out of the bath, perfectly red all over, resembling the Red IndiansI have seen depicted at an East-End theatre. I determined not to say aword to Carrie, but to tell Farmerson to come on Monday and paint the bath white.
Chapter 4
　　The ball at the Mansion House.
　　April 30. - Perfectly astounded at receiving an invitation for Carrieand myself from the Lord and Lady Mayoress to the Mansion House, to"meet the Representatives of Trades and Commerce." My heart beat likethat of a schoolboy's. Carrie and I read the invitation over two or threetimes. I could scarcely eat my breakfast. I said - and I felt it from thebottom of my heart, - "Carrie darling, I was a proud man when I led youdown the aisle of the church on our wedding-day; that pride will beequalled, if not surpassed, when I lead my dear, pretty wife up to the Lordand Lady Mayoress at the Mansion House." I saw the tears in Carrie'seyes, and she said: "Charlie dear, it is I who have to be proud of you.
　　And I am very, very proud of you. You have called me pretty; and aslong as I am pretty in your eyes, I am happy. You, dear old Charlie, arenot handsome, but you are GOOD, which is far more noble." I gave hera kiss, and she said: "I wonder if there will be any dancing? I have notdanced with you for years."I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her round the waist,and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind of polka when Sarahentered, grinning, and said: "There is a man, mum, at the door whowants to know if you want any good coals." Most annoyed at this. Spentthe evening in answering, and tearing up again, the reply to the MansionHouse, having left word with Sarah if Gowing or Cummings called wewere not at home. Must consult Mr. Perkupp how to answer the LordMayor's invitation.
　　May 1. - Carrie said: "I should like to send mother the invitation tolook at." I consented, as soon as I had answered it. I told Mr. Perkupp,at the office, with a feeling of pride, that we had received an invitation tothe Mansion House; and he said, to my astonishment, that he himself gavein my name to the Lord Mayor's secretary. I felt this rather discountedthe value of the invitation, but I thanked him; and in reply to me, he described how I was to answer it. I felt the reply was too simple; but ofcourse Mr. Perkupp knows best.
　　May 2. - Sent my dress-coat and trousers to the little tailor's round thecorner, to have the creases taken out. Told Gowing not to call nextMonday, as we were going to the Mansion House. Sent similar note toCummings.
　　May 3. - Carrie went to Mrs. James, at Sutton, to consult about herdress for next Monday. While speaking incidentally to Spotch, one ofour head clerks, about the Mansion House, he said: "Oh, I'm asked, butdon't think I shall go." When a vulgar man like Spotch is asked, I feelmy invitation is considerably discounted. In the evening, while I was out,the little tailor brought round my coat and trousers, and because Sarah hadnot a shilling to pay for the pressing, he took them away again.
　　May 4. - Carrie's mother returned the Lord Mayor's invitation, whichwas sent to her to look at, with apologies for having upset a glass of portover it. I was too angry to say anything.
　　May 5. -Bought a pair of lavender kid-gloves for next Monday, andtwo white ties, in case one got spoiled in the tying.
　　May 6, Sunday. - A very dull sermon, during which, I regret to say, Itwice thought of the Mansion House reception to-morrow.
　　May 7. - A big red-letter day; viz., the Lord Mayor's reception. Thewhole house upset. I had to get dressed at half-past six, as Carrie wantedthe room to herself. Mrs. James had come up from Sutton to help Carrie;so I could not help thinking it unreasonable that she should require theentire attention of Sarah, the servant, as well. Sarah kept running out ofthe house to fetch "something for missis," and several times I had, in myfull evening-dress, to answer the back-door.
　　The last time it was the greengrocer's boy, who, not seeing it was me,for Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed into my hands two cabbages andhalf-a-dozen coal-blocks. I indignantly threw them on the ground, andfelt so annoyed that I so far forgot myself as to box the boy's ears. Hewent away crying, and said he should summons me, a thing I would nothave happen for the world. In the dark, I stepped on a piece of thecabbage, which brought me down on the flags all of a heap. For a moment I was stunned, but when I recovered I crawled upstairs into thedrawing-room and on looking into the chimney-glass discovered that mychin was bleeding, my shirt smeared with the coal-blocks, and my lefttrouser torn at the knee.
　　However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt, which I changedin the drawing-room. I put a piece of court-plaster on my chin, and Sarahvery neatly sewed up the tear at the knee. At nine o'clock Carrie sweptinto the room, looking like a queen. Never have I seen her look so lovely,or so distinguished. She was wearing a satin dress of sky-blue - myfavourite colour - and a piece of lace, which Mrs. James lent her, round theshoulders, to give a finish. I thought perhaps the dress was a little toolong behind, and decidedly too short in front, but Mrs. James said it was ELA MODE. Mrs. James was most kind, and lent Carrie a fan of ivorywith red feathers, the value of which, she said, was priceless, as thefeathers belonged to the Kachu eagle - a bird now extinct. I preferred thelittle white fan which Carrie bought for three-and-six at Shoolbred's, butboth ladies sat on me at once.
　　We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was rather fortunate,for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship, who graciouslycondescended to talk with me some minutes; but I must say I wasdisappointed to find he did not even know Mr. Perkupp, our principal.
　　I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by one who didnot know the Lord Mayor himself. Crowds arrived, and I shall neverforget the grand sight. My humble pen can never describe it. I was alittle annoyed with Carrie, who kept saying: "Isn't it a pity we don'tknow anybody?"Once she quite lost her head. I saw someone who looked likeFranching, from Peckham, and was moving towards him when she seizedme by the coat-tails, and said quite loudly: "Don't leave me," whichcaused an elderly gentleman, in a court-suit, and a chain round him, andtwo ladies, to burst out laughing. There was an immense crowd in thesupper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendid supper - any amount ofchampagne.
　　Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was pleased; for I sometimes think she is not strong. There was scarcely a dish she did nottaste. I was so thirsty, I could not eat much. Receiving a sharp slap onthe shoulder, I turned, and, to my amazement, saw Farmerson, ourironmonger. He said, in the most familiar way: "This is better thanBrickfield Terrace, eh?" I simply looked at him, and said coolly: "Inever expected to see you here." He said, with a loud, coarse laugh: "Ilike that - if YOU, why not ME?" I replied: "Certainly," I wish I couldhave thought of something better to say. He said: "Can I get your goodlady anything?" Carrie said: "No, I thank you," for which I waspleased. I said, by way of reproof to him: "You never sent to-day topaint the bath, as I requested." Farmerson said: "Pardon me, Mr.
　　Pooter, no shop when we're in company, please."Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in full Courtcostume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an old friend,and asked him to dine with him at his lodge. I was astonished. For fullfive minutes they stood roaring with laughter, and stood digging eachother in the ribs. They kept telling each other they didn't look a day older.
　　They began embracing each other and drinking champagne.
　　To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any memberof our aristocracy! I was just moving with Carrie, when Farmersonseized me rather roughly by the collar, and addressing the sheriff, said:
　　"Let me introduce my neighbour, Pooter." He did not even say "Mister."The sheriff handed me a glass of champagne. I felt, after all, it was agreat honour to drink a glass of wine with him, and I told him so. Westood chatting for some time, and at last I said: "You must excuse menow if I join Mrs. Pooter." When I approached her, she said: "Don't letme take you away from friends. I am quite happy standing here alone ina crowd, knowing nobody!"As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the time nor theplace for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said: "I hope my darling littlewife will dance with me, if only for the sake of saying we had danced atthe Mansion House as guests of the Lord Mayor." Finding the dancingafter supper was less formal, and knowing how much Carrie used toadmire my dancing in the days gone by, I put my arm round her waist and we commenced a waltz.
　　A most unfortunate accident occurred. I had got on a new pair ofboots. Foolishly, I had omitted to take Carrie's advice; namely, to scratchthe soles of them with the points of the scissors or to put a little wet onthem. I had scarcely started when, like lightning, my left foot slippedaway and I came down, the side of my head striking the floor with suchviolence that for a second or two I did not know what had happened.
　　needly hardly say that Carrie fell with me with equal violence, breakingthe comb in her hair and grazing her elbow.
　　There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately checked whenpeople found that we had really hurt ourselves. A gentleman assistedCarrie to a seat, and I expressed myself pretty strongly on the danger ofhaving a plain polished floor with no carpet or drugget to prevent peopleslipping. The gentleman, who said his name was Darwitts, insisted onescorting Carrie to have a glass of wine, an invitation which I was pleasedto allow Carrie to accept.
　　I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in his loudvoice "Oh, are you the one who went down?"I answered with an indignant look.
　　With execrable taste, he said: "Look here, old man, we are too oldfor this game. We must leave these capers to the youngsters. Come andhave another glass, that is more in our line."Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we followed theothers into the supper-room.
　　Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, felt inclined to staylonger. As we were departing, Farmerson said: "Are you going? if so,you might give me a lift."I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consulted Carrie.
Chapter 5
　　After the Mansion House Ball. Carrie offended. Gowing alsooffended. A pleasant party at the Cummings'. Mr. Franching, ofPeckham, visits us.
　　May 8. - I woke up with a most terrible head-ache. I could scarcelysee, and the back of my neck was as if I had given it a crick. I thoughtfirst of sending for a doctor; but I did not think it necessary. When up, Ifelt faint, and went to Brownish's, the chemist, who gave me a draught.
　　So bad at the office, had to get leave to come home. Went to anotherchemist in the City, and I got a draught. Brownish's dose seems to havemade me worse; have eaten nothing all day. To make matters worse,Carrie, every time I spoke to her, answered me sharply - that is, when sheanswered at all.
　　In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her: "I dobelieve I've been poisoned by the lobster mayonnaise at the MansionHouse last night;" she simply replied, without taking her eyes from hersewing: "Champagne never did agree with you." I felt irritated, andsaid: "What nonsense you talk; I only had a glass and a half, and youknow as well as I do - " Before I could complete the sentence shebounced out of the room. I sat over an hour waiting for her to return; butas she did not, I determined I would go to bed. I discovered Carrie hadgone to bed without even saying "good-night"; leaving me to bar thescullery door and feed the cat. I shall certainly speak to her about this inthe morning.
　　May 9. - Still a little shaky, with black specks. The BLACKFRIARSBI-WEEKLY NEWS contains a long list of the guests at the MansionHouse Ball. Disappointed to find our names omitted, thoughFarmerson's is in plainly enough with M.L.L. after it, whatever that maymean. More than vexed, because we had ordered a dozen copies to sendto our friends. Wrote to the BLACKFRIARS BI-WEEKLY NEWS,pointing out their omission.
　　 Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the parlour.
　　helped myself to a cup of tea, and I said, perfectly calmly and quietly:
　　"Carrie, I wish a little explanation of your conduct last night."She replied, "Indeed! and I desire something more than a littleexplanation of your conduct the night before."I said, coolly: "Really, I don't understand you."Carrie said sneeringly: "Probably not; you were scarcely in acondition to understand anything."I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated: "Caroline!"She said: "Don't be theatrical, it has no effect on me. Reserve thattone for your new friend, Mister Farmerson, the ironmonger."I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such as I have neverseen her in before, told me to hold my tongue. She said: "Now I'Mgoing to say something! After professing to snub Mr. Farmerson, youpermit him to snub YOU, in my presence, and then accept his invitation totake a glass of champagne with you, and you don't limit yourself to oneglass. You then offer this vulgar man, who made a bungle of repairingour scraper, a seat in our cab on the way home. I say nothing about histearing my dress in getting in the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James'sexpensive fan, which you knocked out of my hand, and for which he nevereven apologised; but you smoked all the way home without having thedecency to ask my permission. That is not all! At the end of thejourney, although he did not offer you a farthing towards his share of thecab, you asked him in. Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect, frommy manner, that his company was not desirable."Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make mattersworse, Gowing entered the room, without knocking, with two hats on hishead and holding the garden-rake in his hand, with Carrie's fur tippet(which he had taken off the downstairs hall- peg) round his neck, andannounced himself in a loud, coarse voice: "His Royal Highness, the LordMayor!" He marched twice round the room like a buffoon, and findingwe took no notice, said: "Hulloh! what's up? Lovers' quarrel, eh?"There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly: "My dearGowing, I'm not very well, and not quite in the humour for joking; especially when you enter the room without knocking, an act which I failto see the fun of."Gowing said: "I'm very sorry, but I called for my stick, which Ithought you would have sent round." I handed him his stick, which Iremembered I had painted black with the enamel paint, thinking toimprove it. He looked at it for a minute with a dazed expression and said:
　　"Who did this?"I said: "Eh, did what?"He said: "Did what? Why, destroyed my stick! It belonged to mypoor uncle, and I value it more than anything I have in the world! I'll knowwho did it."I said: "I'm very sorry. I dare say it will come off. I did it for thebest."Gowing said: "Then all I can say is, it's a confounded liberty; and IWOULD add, you're a bigger fool than you look, only THAT'S absolutelyimpossible."May 12. -Got a single copy of the BLACKFRIARS BI-WEEKLYNEWS. There was a short list of several names they had omitted; but thestupid people had mentioned our names as "Mr. and Mrs. C. Porter." Mostannoying! Wrote again and I took particular care to write our name incapital letters, POOTER, so that there should be no possible mistake thistime.
　　May 16. - Absolutely disgusted on opening the BLACKFRIARS BIWEEKLY NEWS of to-day, to find the following paragraph: "We havereceived two letters from Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting us toannounce the important fact that they were at the Mansion House Ball."I tore up the paper and threw it in the waste-paper basket. My time is fartoo valuable to bother about such trifles.
　　May 21. - The last week or ten days terribly dull, Carrie being away atMrs. James's, at Sutton. Cummings also away. Gowing, I presume, isstill offended with me for black enamelling his stick without asking him.
　　May 22. - Purchased a new stick mounted with silver, which costseven-and-sixpence (shall tell Carrie five shillings), and sent it round withnice note to Gowing.
　　 May 23. - Received strange note from Gowing; he said: "Offended?
　　not a bit, my boy - I thought you were offended with me for losing mytemper. Besides, I found after all, it was not my poor old uncle's stickyou painted. It was only a shilling thing I bought at a tobacconist's.
　　However, I am much obliged to you for your handsome present all same."May 24. -Carrie back. Hoorah! She looks wonderfully well,except that the sun has caught her nose.
　　May 25. - Carrie brought down some of my shirts and advised me totake them to Trillip's round the corner. She said: "The fronts and cuffsare much frayed." I said without a moment's hesitation: "I'm 'FRAYEDthey are." Lor! how we roared. I thought we should never stoplaughing. As I happened to be sitting next the driver going to town onthe 'bus, I told him my joke about the "frayed" shirts. I thought he wouldhave rolled off his seat. They laughed at the office a good bit too over it.
　　May 26. -Left the shirts to be repaired at Trillip's. I said to him:
　　"I'm 'FRAID they are FRAYED." He said, without a smile: "They'rebound to do that, sir." Some people seem to be quite destitute of a senseof humour.
　　June 1. - The last week has been like old times, Carrie being back, andGowing and Cummings calling every evening nearly. Twice we sat outin the garden quite late. This evening we were like a pack of children,and played "consequences." It is a good game.
　　June 2. - "Consequences" again this evening. Not quite so successfulas last night; Gowing having several times overstepped the limits of goodtaste.
　　June 4. - In the evening Carrie and I went round to Mr. and Mrs.
　　Cummings' to spend a quiet evening with them. Gowing was there, alsoMr. Stillbrook. It was quiet but pleasant. Mrs. Cummings sang five orsix songs, "No, Sir," and "The Garden of Sleep," being best in my humblejudgment; but what pleased me most was the duet she sang with Carrieclassical duet, too. I think it is called, "I would that my love!" It wasbeautiful. If Carrie had been in better voice, I don't think professionalscould have sung it better. After supper we made them sing it again.
　　never liked Mr. Stillbrook since the walk that Sunday to the "Cow and Hedge," but I must say he sings comic-songs well. His song: "We don'tWant the old men now," made us shriek with laughter, especially the versereferring to Mr. Gladstone; but there was one verse I think he might haveomitted, and I said so, but Gowing thought it was the best of the lot.
　　June 6. - Trillip brought round the shirts and, to my disgust, his chargefor repairing was more than I gave for them when new. I told him so,and he impertinently replied: "Well, they are better now than when theywere new." I paid him, and said it was a robbery. He said: "If youwanted your shirt-fronts made out of pauper-linen, such as is used forpacking and bookbinding, why didn't you say so?"June 7. -A dreadful annoyance. Met Mr. Franching, who lives atPeckham, and who is a great swell in his way. I ventured to ask him tocome home to meat-tea, and take pot-luck. I did not think he wouldaccept such a humble invitation; but he did, saying, in a most friendly way,he would rather "peck" with us than by himself. I said: "We had betterget into this blue 'bus." He replied: "No blue-bussing for me. I havehad enough of the blues lately. I lost a cool 'thou' over the Copper Scare.
　　Step in here."We drove up home in style, in a hansom-cab, and I knocked threetimes at the front door without getting an answer. I saw Carrie, throughthe panels of ground-glass (with stars), rushing upstairs. I told Mr.
　　Franching to wait at the door while I went round to the side. There I sawthe grocer's boy actually picking off the paint on the door, which hadformed into blisters. No time to reprove him; so went round and effectedan entrance through the kitchen window. I let in Mr. Franching, andshowed him into the drawing- room. I went upstairs to Carrie, who waschanging her dress, and told her I had persuaded Mr. Franching to comehome. She replied: "How can you do such a thing? You know it'sSarah's holiday, and there's not a thing in the house, the cold muttonhaving turned with the hot weather."Eventually Carrie, like a good creature as she is, slipped down, washedup the teacups, and laid the cloth, and I gave Franching our views of Japanto look at while I ran round to the butcher's to get three chops.
　　July 30. - The miserable cold weather is either upsetting me or Carrie, or both. We seem to break out into an argument about absolutely nothing,and this unpleasant state of things usually occurs at meal-times.
　　This morning, for some unaccountable reason, we were talking aboutballoons, and we were as merry as possible; but the conversation driftedinto family matters, during which Carrie, without the slightest reason,referred in the most uncomplimentary manner to my poor father'specuniary trouble. I retorted by saying that "Pa, at all events, was agentleman," whereupon Carrie burst out crying. I positively could noteat any breakfast.
　　At the office I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, who said he was verysorry, but I should have to take my annual holidays from next Saturday.
　　Franching called at office and asked me to dine at his club, "TheConstitutional." Fearing disagreeables at home after the "tiff" thismorning, I sent a telegram to Carrie, telling her I was going out to dineand she was not to sit up. Bought a little silver bangle for Carrie.
　　July 31. - Carrie was very pleased with the bangle, which I left with anaffectionate note on her dressing-table last night before going to bed. Itold Carrie we should have to start for our holiday next Saturday. Shereplied quite happily that she did not mind, except that the weather was sobad, and she feared that Miss Jibbons would not be able to get her aseaside dress in time. I told Carrie that I thought the drab one with pinkbows looked quite good enough; and Carrie said she should not think ofwearing it. I was about to discuss the matter, when, remembering theargument yesterday, resolved to hold my tongue.
　　I said to Carrie: "I don't think we can do better than 'Good oldBroadstairs.'" Carrie not only, to my astonishment, raised an objection toBroadstairs, for the first time; but begged me not to use the expression,"Good old," but to leave it to Mr. Stillbrook and other GENTLEMEN ofhis type. Hearing my 'bus pass the window, I was obliged to rush out ofthe house without kissing Carrie as usual; and I shouted to her: "I leaveit to you to decide." On returning in the evening, Carrie said she thoughtas the time was so short she had decided on Broadstairs, and had written toMrs. Beck, Harbour View Terrace, for apartments.
　　August 1. - Ordered a new pair of trousers at Edwards's, and told them not to cut them so loose over the boot; the last pair being so loose and alsotight at the knee, looked like a sailor's, and I heard Pitt, that objectionableyouth at the office, call out "Hornpipe" as I passed his desk. Carrie hasordered of Miss Jibbons a pink Garibaldi and blue-serge skirt, which Ialways think looks so pretty at the seaside. In the evening she trimmedherself a little sailor-hat, while I read to her the EXCHANGE AND MART.
　　We had a good laugh over my trying on the hat when she had finished it;Carrie saying it looked so funny with my beard, and how the people wouldhave roared if I went on the stage like it.
　　August 2. - Mrs. Beck wrote to say we could have our usual rooms atBroadstairs. That's off our mind. Bought a coloured shirt and a pair oftan-coloured boots, which I see many of the swell clerks wearing in theCity, and hear are all the "go."August 3. - A beautiful day. Looking forward to to-morrow. Carriebought a parasol about five feet long. I told her it was ridiculous. Shesaid: "Mrs. James, of Sutton, has one twice as long so;" the matterdropped. I bought a capital hat for hot weather at the seaside. I don'tknow what it is called, but it is the shape of the helmet worn in India, onlymade of straw. Got three new ties, two coloured handkerchiefs, and apair of navy-blue socks at Pope Brothers. Spent the evening packing.
　　Carrie told me not to forget to borrow Mr. Higgsworth's telescope, whichhe always lends me, knowing I know how to take care of it. Sent Sarahout for it. While everything was seeming so bright, the last post broughtus a letter from Mrs. Beck, saying: "I have just let all my house to oneparty, and am sorry I must take back my words, and am sorry you mustfind other apartments; but Mrs. Womming, next door, will be pleased toaccommodate you, but she cannot take you before Monday, as her roomsare engaged Bank Holiday week."
Chapter 6
　　The Unexpected Arrival Home of our Son, Willie Lupin Pooter.
　　August 4. -The first post brought a nice letter from our dear sonWillie, acknowledging a trifling present which Carrie sent him, the daybefore yesterday being his twentieth birthday. To our utter amazement heturned up himself in the afternoon, having journeyed all the way fromOldham. He said he had got leave from the bank, and as Monday was aholiday he thought he would give us a little surprise.
　　August 5, Sunday. - We have not seen Willie since last Christmas, andare pleased to notice what a fine young man he has grown. One wouldscarcely believe he was Carrie's son. He looks more like a youngerbrother. I rather disapprove of his wearing a check suit on a Sunday, andI think he ought to have gone to church this morning; but he said he wastired after yesterday's journey, so I refrained from any remark on thesubject. We had a bottle of port for dinner, and drank dear Willie'shealth.
　　He said: "Oh, by-the-by, did I tell you I've cut my first name,'William,' and taken the second name 'Lupin'? In fact, I'm only known atOldham as 'Lupin Pooter.' If you were to 'Willie' me there, they wouldn'tknow what you meant."Of course, Lupin being a purely family name, Carrie was delighted,and began by giving a long history of the Lupins. I ventured to say that Ithought William a nice simple name, and reminded him he was christenedafter his Uncle William, who was much respected in the City. Willie, in amanner which I did not much care for, said sneeringly: "Oh, I know allabout that - Good old Bill!" and helped himself to a third glass of port.
　　Carrie objected strongly to my saying "Good old," but she made noremark when Willie used the double adjective. I said nothing, but lookedat her, which meant more. I said: "My dear Willie, I hope you arehappy with your colleagues at the Bank." He replied: "Lupin, if youplease; and with respect to the Bank, there's not a clerk who is a gentleman, and the 'boss' is a cad." I felt so shocked, I could say nothing, and myinstinct told me there was something wrong.
　　August 6, Bank Holiday. - As there was no sign of Lupin moving atnine o'clock, I knocked at his door, and said we usually breakfasted athalf-past eight, and asked how long would he be? Lupin replied that hehad had a lively time of it, first with the train shaking the house all night,and then with the sun streaming in through the window in his eyes, andgiving him a cracking headache. Carrie came up and asked if he wouldlike some breakfast sent up, and he said he could do with a cup of tea, anddidn't want anything to eat.
　　Lupin not having come down, I went up again at half-past one, andsaid we dined at two; he said he "would be there." He never came downtill a quarter to three. I said: "We have not seen much of you, and youwill have to return by the 5.30 train; therefore you will have to leave in anhour, unless you go by the midnight mail." He said: "Look here, Guv'nor,it's no use beating about the bush. I've tendered my resignation at theBank."For a moment I could not speak. When my speech came again, I said:
　　"How dare you, sir? How dare you take such a serious step withoutconsulting me? Don't answer me, sir! - you will sit down immediately,and write a note at my dictation, withdrawing your resignation and amplyapologising for your thoughtlessness."Imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw: "It's no use.
　　If you want the good old truth, I've got the chuck!"August 7. - Mr. Perkupp has given me leave to postpone my holiday aweek, as we could not get the room. This will give us an opportunity oftrying to find an appointment for Willie before we go. The ambition ofmy life would be to get him into Mr. Perkupp's firm.
　　August 11. - Although it is a serious matter having our boy Lupin onour hands, still it is satisfactory to know he was asked to resign from theBank simply because "he took no interest in his work, and always arrivedan hour (sometimes two hours) late." We can all start off on Monday toBroadstairs with a light heart. This will take my mind off the worry of thelast few days, which have been wasted over a useless correspondence with the manager of the Bank at Oldham.
　　August 13. - Hurrah! at Broadstairs. Very nice apartments near thestation. On the cliffs they would have been double the price. Thelandlady had a nice five o'clock dinner and tea ready, which we all enjoyed,though Lupin seemed fastidious because there happened to be a fly in thebutter. It was very wet in the evening, for which I was thankful, as it wasa good excuse for going to bed early. Lupin said he would sit up and reada bit.
　　August 14. - I was a little annoyed to find Lupin, instead of readinglast night, had gone to a common sort of entertainment, given at theAssembly Rooms. I expressed my opinion that such performances wereunworthy of respectable patronage; but he replied: "Oh, it was only 'forone night only.' I had a fit of the blues come on, and thought I would goto see Polly Presswell, England's Particular Spark." I told him I wasproud to say I had never heard of her. Carrie said: "Do let the boyalone. He's quite old enough to take care of himself, and won't forgethe's a gentleman. Remember, you were young once yourself." Rainedall day hard, but Lupin would go out.
　　August 15. - Cleared up a bit, so we all took the train to Margate, andthe first person we met on the jetty was Gowing. I said: "Hulloh! Ithought you had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham friends?" Hesaid: "Yes, but young Peter Lawrence was so ill, they postponed theirvisit, so I came down here. You know the Cummings' are here too?"Carrie said: "Oh, that will be delightful! We must have some eveningstogether and have games."I introduced Lupin, saying: "You will be pleased to find we have ourdear boy at home!" Gowing said: "How's that? You don't mean to sayhe's left the Bank?"I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided any of thoseawkward questions which Gowing always has a knack of asking.
　　August 16. - Lupin positively refused to walk down the Parade withme because I was wearing my new straw helmet with my frock-coat. Idon't know what the boy is coming to.
　　August 17. - Lupin not falling in with our views, Carrie and I went for a sail. It was a relief to be with her alone; for when Lupin irritates me,she always sides with him. On our return, he said: "Oh, you've been onthe 'Shilling Emetic,' have you? You'll come to six-pennorth on the'Liver Jerker' next." I presume he meant a tricycle, but I affected not tounderstand him.
　　August 18. - Gowing and Cummings walked over to arrange anevening at Margate. It being wet, Gowing asked Cummings toaccompany him to the hotel and have a game of billiards, knowing I neverplay, and in fact disapprove of the game. Cummings said he must hastenback to Margate; whereupon Lupin, to my horror, said: "I'll give you agame, Gowing - a hundred up. A walk round I the cloth will give me anappetite for dinner." I said: "Perhaps Mister Gowing does not care toplay with boys." Gowing surprised me by saying: "Oh yes, I do, if theyplay well," and they walked off together.
　　August 19, Sunday. - I was about to read Lupin a sermon on smoking(which he indulges in violently) and billiards, but he put on his hat andwalked out. Carrie then read ME a long sermon on the palpableinadvisability of treating Lupin as if he were a mere child. I felt she wassomewhat right, so in the evening I offered him a cigar. He seemedpleased, but, after a few whiffs, said: "This is a good old tup'ny - try one ofmine," and he handed me a cigar as long as it was strong, which is sayinga good deal.
　　August 20. - I am glad our last day at the seaside was fine, thoughclouded overhead. We went over to Cummings' (at Margate) in theevening, and as it was cold, we stayed in and played games; Gowing, asusual, overstepping the mark. He suggested we should play "Cutlets," agame we never heard of. He sat on a chair, and asked Carrie to sit on hislap, an invitation which dear Carrie rightly declined.
　　After some species of wrangling, I sat on Gowing's knees and Carriesat on the edge of mine. Lupin sat on the edge of Carrie's lap, thenCummings on Lupin's, and Mrs. Cummings on her husband's. We lookedvery ridiculous, and laughed a good deal.
　　Gowing then said: "Are you a believer in the Great Mogul?" Wehad to answer all together: "Yes - oh, yes!" (three times). Gowing said:
　　 "So am I," and suddenly got up. The result of this stupid joke was thatwe all fell on the ground, and poor Carrie banged her head against thecorner of the fender. Mrs. Cummings put some vinegar on; but throughthis we missed the last train, and had to drive back to Broadstairs, whichcost me seven-and-sixpence.
Chapter 7
　　Home again. Mrs. James' influence on Carrie. Can get nothing forLupin. Next-door neighbours are a little troublesome. Some onetampers with my diary. Got a place for Lupin. Lupin startles us with anannouncement.
　　August 22. - Home sweet Home again! Carrie bought some prettyblue-wool mats to stand vases on. Fripps, Janus and Co. write to saythey are sorry they have no vacancy among their staff of clerks for Lupin.
　　August 23. - I bought a pair of stags' heads made of plaster-of- Parisand coloured brown. They will look just the thing for our little hall, andgive it style; the heads are excellent imitations. Poolers and Smith aresorry they have nothing to offer Lupin.
　　August 24. - Simply to please Lupin, and make things cheerful for him,as he is a little down, Carrie invited Mrs. James to come up from Suttonand spend two or three days with us. We have not said a word to Lupin,but mean to keep it as a surprise.
　　August 25. - Mrs. James, of Sutton, arrived in the afternoon, bringingwith her an enormous bunch of wild flowers. The more I see of MrsJames the nicer I think she is, and she is devoted to Carrie. She went intoCarrie's room to take off her bonnet, and remained there nearly an hourtalking about dress. Lupin said he was not a bit surprised at Mrs. James'
　　VISIT, but was surprised at HER.
　　August 26, Sunday. - Nearly late for church, Mrs. James having talkedconsiderably about what to wear all the morning. Lupin does not seem toget on very well with Mrs. James. I am afraid we shall have sometrouble with our next-door neighbours who came in last Wednesday.
　　Several of their friends, who drive up in dog-carts, have already madethemselves objectionable.
　　An evening or two ago I had put on a white waistcoat for coolness, andwhile walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoat pockets (a habit Ihave), one man, seated in the cart, and looking like an American, commenced singing some vulgar nonsense about "I HAD THIRTEENDOLLARS IN MY WAISTCOAT POCKET." I fancied it was meant forme, and my suspicions were confirmed; for while walking round thegarden in my tall hat this afternoon, a "throw-down" cracker wasdeliberately aimed at my hat, and exploded on it like a percussion cap.
　　turned sharply, and am positive I saw the man who was in the cartretreating from one of the bedroom windows.
　　August 27. -Carrie and Mrs. James went off shopping, and had notreturned when I came back from the office. Judging from the subsequentconversation, I am afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie's head with a lot ofnonsense about dress. I walked over to Gowing's and asked him to dropin to supper, and make things pleasant.
　　Carrie prepared a little extemporised supper, consisting of theremainder of the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which I was to refuse,in case there was not enough to go round), and a blanc- mange andcustards. There was also a decanter of port and some jam puffs on thesideboard. Mrs. James made us play rather a good game of cards, called"Muggings." To my surprise, in fact disgust, Lupin got up in the middle,and, in a most sarcastic tone, said: "Pardon me, this sort of thing is too fastfor me, I shall go and enjoy a quiet game of marbles in the back-garden."Things might have become rather disagreeable but for Gowing (whoseems to have taken to Lupin) suggesting they should invent games. Lupinsaid: "Let's play 'monkeys.'" He then led Gowing all round the room,and brought him in front of the looking-glass. I must confess I laughedheartily at this. I was a little vexed at everybody subsequently laughingat some joke which they did not explain, and it was only on going to bed Idiscovered I must have been walking about all the evening with anantimacassar on one button of my coat-tails.
　　August 28. -Found a large brick in the middle bed of geraniums,evidently come from next door. Pattles and Pattles can't find a place forLupin.
　　August 29. - Mrs. James is making a positive fool of Carrie. Carrieappeared in a new dress like a smock-frock. She said "smocking" was allthe rage. I replied it put me in a rage. She also had on a hat as big as a kitchen coal-scuttle, and the same shape. Mrs. James went home, andboth Lupin and I were somewhat pleased - the first time we have agreedon a single subject since his return. Merkins and Son write they have novacancy for Lupin.
　　October 30. - I should very much like to know who has wilfully tornthe last five or six weeks out of my diary. It is perfectly monstrous!
　　Mine is a large scribbling diary, with plenty of space for the record of myeveryday events, and in keeping up that record I take (with much pride) agreat deal of pains.
　　I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it. She replied it was myown fault for leaving the diary about with a charwoman cleaning and thesweeps in the house. I said that was not an answer to my question. Thisretort of mine, which I thought extremely smart, would have been moreeffective had I not jogged my elbow against a vase on a table temporarilyplaced in the passage, knocked it over, and smashed it.
　　Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was one of a pair ofvases which cannot be matched, given to us on our wedding- day by Mrs.
　　Burtsett, an old friend of Carrie's cousins, the Pommertons, late of Dalston.
　　I called to Sarah, and asked her about the diary. She said she had notbeen in the sitting-room at all; after the sweep had left, Mrs. Birrell (thecharwoman) had cleaned the room and lighted the fire herself. Finding aburnt piece of paper in the grate, I examined it, and found it was a piece ofmy diary. So it was evident some one had torn my diary to light the fire.
　　I requested Mrs. Birrell to be sent to me to- morrow.
　　October 31. - Received a letter from our principal, Mr. Perkupp, sayingthat he thinks he knows of a place at last for our dear boy Lupin. This, ina measure, consoles me for the loss of a portion of my diary; for I ambound to confess the last few weeks have been devoted to the record ofdisappointing answers received from people to whom I have applied forappointments for Lupin. Mrs. Birrell called, and, in reply to me, said:
　　"She never SEE no book, much less take such a liberty as TOUCH it."I said I was determined to find out who did it, whereupon she said shewould do her best to help me; but she remembered the sweep lighting thefire with a bit of the ECHO. I requested the sweep to be sent to me to morrow. I wish Carrie had not given Lupin a latch-key; we never seemto see anything of him. I sat up till past one for him, and then retiredtired.
　　November 1. -My entry yesterday about "retired tired," which I didnot notice at the time, is rather funny. If I were not so worried just now, Imight have had a little joke about it. The sweep called, but had theaudacity to come up to the hall-door and lean his dirty bag of soot on thedoor-step. He, however, was so polite, I could not rebuke him. He saidSarah lighted the fire. Unfortunately, Sarah heard this, for she was dustingthe banisters, and she ran down, and flew into a temper with the sweep,causing a row on the front door-steps, which I would not have had happenfor anything. I ordered her about her business, and told the sweep I wassorry to have troubled him; and so I was, for the door-steps were coveredwith soot in consequence of his visit. I would willingly give ten shillingsto find out who tore my diary.
　　November 2. -I spent the evening quietly with Carrie, of whosecompany I never tire. We had a most pleasant chat about the letters on"Is Marriage a Failure?" It has been no failure in our case. In talkingover our own happy experiences, we never noticed that it was pastmidnight. We were startled by hearing the door slam violently. Lupinhad come in. He made no attempt to turn down the gas in the passage, oreven to look into the room where we were, but went straight up to bed,making a terrible noise. I asked him to come down for a moment, and hebegged to be excused, as he was "dead beat," an observation that wasscarcely consistent with the fact that, for a quarter of an hour afterwards,he was positively dancing in his room, and shouting out, "See me dancethe polka!" or some such nonsense.
　　November 3. - Good news at last. Mr. Perkupp has got anappointment for Lupin, and he is to go and see about it on Monday. Oh,how my mind is relieved! I went to Lupin's room to take the good newsto him, but he was in bed, very seedy, so I resolved to keep it over till theevening.
　　He said he had last night been elected a member of an AmateurDramatic Club, called the "Holloway Comedians"; and, though it was a pleasant evening, he had sat in a draught, and got neuralgia in the head.
　　He declined to have any breakfast, so I left him. In the evening I had upa special bottle of port, and, Lupin being in for a wonder, we filled ourglasses, and I said: "Lupin my boy, I have some good and unexpectednews for you. Mr. Perkupp has procured you an appointment!" Lupinsaid: "Good biz!" and we drained our glasses.
　　Lupin then said: "Fill up the glasses again, for I have some good andunexpected news for you."I had some slight misgivings, and so evidently had Carrie, for she said:
　　"I hope we shall think it good news."Lupin said: "Oh, it's all right! I'M ENGAGED TO BEMARRIED!"
Chapter 8
　　Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation. Lupin's new berth.
　　Fireworks at the Cummings'. The "Holloway Comedians." Sarahquarrels with the charwoman. Lupin's uncalled-for interference. Amintroduced to Daisy Mutlar. We decide to give a party in her honour.
　　November 5, Sunday. - Carrie and I troubled about that mere boyLupin getting engaged to be married without consulting us or anything.
　　After dinner he told us all about it. He said the lady's name was DaisyMutlar, and she was the nicest, prettiest, and most accomplished girl heever met. He loved her the moment he saw her, and if he had to waitfifty years he would wait, and he knew she would wait for him.
　　Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world was a differentworld to him now, - it was a world worth living in. He lived with anobject now, and that was to make Daisy Mutlar - Daisy Pooter, and hewould guarantee she would not disgrace the family of the Pooters. Carriehere burst out crying, and threw her arms round his neck, and in doing so,upset the glass of port he held in his hand all over his new light trousers.
　　I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar when we saw her, butCarrie said she loved her already. I thought this rather premature, butheld my tongue. Daisy Mutlar was the sole topic of conversation for theremainder of the day. I asked Lupin who her people were, and he replied:
　　"Oh, you know Mutlar, Williams and Watts." I did not know, butrefrained from asking any further questions at present, for fear of irritatingLupin.
　　November 6. - Lupin went with me to the office, and had a longconversation with Mr. Perkupp, our principal, the result of which was thathe accepted a clerkship in the firm of Job Cleanands and Co., Stock andShare Brokers. Lupin told me, privately, it was an advertising firm, andhe did not think much of it. I replied: "Beggars should not be choosers;"and I will do Lupin the justice to say, he looked rather ashamed of himself.
　　In the evening we went round to the Cummings', to have a few fireworks. It began to rain, and I thought it rather dull. One of mysquibs would not go off, and Gowing said: "Hit it on your boot, boy; itwill go off then." I gave it a few knocks on the end of my boot, and itwent off with one loud explosion, and burnt my fingers rather badly.
　　gave the rest of the squibs to the little Cummings' boy to let off.
　　Another unfortunate thing happened, which brought a heap of abuseon my head. Cummings fastened a large wheel set-piece on a stake in theground by way of a grand finale. He made a great fuss about it; said itcost seven shillings. There was a little difficulty in getting it alight. Atlast it went off; but after a couple of slow revolutions it stopped. I hadmy stick with me, so I gave it a tap to send it round, and, unfortunately, itfell off the stake on to the grass. Anybody would have thought I had setthe house on fire from the way in which they stormed at me. I will neverjoin in any more firework parties. It is a ridiculous waste of time andmoney.
　　November 7. - Lupin asked Carrie to call on Mrs. Mutlar, but Carriesaid she thought Mrs. Mutlar ought to call on her first. I agreed withCarrie, and this led to an argument. However, the matter was settled byCarrie saying she could not find any visiting cards, and we must get somemore printed, and when they were finished would be quite time enough todiscuss the etiquette of calling.
　　November 8. - I ordered some of our cards at Black's, the stationers.
　　I ordered twenty-five of each, which will last us for a good long time. Inthe evening, Lupin brought in Harry Mutlar, Miss Mutlar's brother. Hewas rather a gawky youth, and Lupin said he was the most popular andbest amateur in the club, referring to the "Holloway Comedians." Lupinwhispered to us that if we could only "draw out" Harry a bit, he wouldmake us roar with laughter.
　　At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things. He took up aknife, and with the flat part of it played a tune on his cheek in a wonderfulmanner. He also gave an imitation of an old man with no teeth, smokinga big cigar. The way he kept dropping the cigar sent Carrie into fits.
　　In the course of conversation, Daisy's name cropped up, and youngMutlar said he would bring his sister round to us one evening - his parents being rather old-fashioned, and not going out much. Carrie said wewould get up a little special party. As young Mutlar showed noinclination to go, and it was approaching eleven o'clock, as a hint Ireminded Lupin that he had to be up early to-morrow. Instead of taking thehint, Mutlar began a series of comic imitations. He went on for an hourwithout cessation. Poor Carrie could scarcely keep her eyes open. Atlast she made an excuse, and said "Good-night."Mutlar then left, and I heard him and Lupin whispering in the hallsomething about the "Holloway Comedians," and to my disgust, althoughit was past midnight, Lupin put on his hat and coat, and went out with hisnew companion.
　　November 9. - My endeavours to discover who tore the sheets out ofmy diary still fruitless. Lupin has Daisy Mutlar on the brain, so we seelittle of him, except that he invariably turns up at meal times. Cummingsdropped in.
　　November 10. - Lupin seems to like his new berth - that's a comfort.
　　Daisy Mutlar the sole topic of conversation during tea. Carrie almost asfull of it as Lupin. Lupin informs me, to my disgust, that he has beenpersuaded to take part in the forthcoming performance of the "HollowayComedians." He says he is to play Bob Britches in the farce, GONE TOMY UNCLE'S; Frank Mutlar is going to play old Musty. I told Lupinpretty plainly I was not in the least degree interested in the matter, andtotally disapproved of amateur theatricals. Gowing came in the evening.
　　November 11. - Returned home to find the house in a most disgracefuluproar, Carrie, who appeared very frightened, was standing outside herbedroom, while Sarah was excited and crying. Mrs. Birrell (thecharwoman), who had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the top ofher voice that she was "no thief, that she was a respectable woman, whohad to work hard for her living, and she would smack anyone's face whoput lies into her mouth." Lupin, whose back was towards me, did nothear me come in. He was standing between the two women, and, I regretto say, in his endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather stronglanguage in the presence of his mother; and I was just in time to hear himsay: "And all this fuss about the loss of a few pages from a rotten diary that wouldn't fetch three-halfpence a pound!" I said, quietly: "Pardon me,Lupin, that is a matter of opinion; and as I am master of this house,perhaps you will allow me to take the reins."I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sarah had accused Mrs.
　　Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap up some kitchen fatand leavings which she had taken out of the house last week. Mrs.
　　Birrell had slapped Sarah's face, and said she had taken nothing out of theplace, as there was "never no leavings to take." I ordered Sarah back toher work, and requested Mrs. Birrell to go home. When I entered theparlour Lupin was kicking his legs in the air, and roaring with laughter.
　　November 12, Sunday. - Coming home from church Carrie and I metLupin, Daisy Mutlar, and her brother. Daisy was introduced to us, andwe walked home together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar. We askedthem in for a few minutes, and I had a good look at my future daughter-inlaw. My heart quite sank. She is a big young woman, and I shouldthink at least eight years older than Lupin. I did not even think her good-looking. Carrie asked her if she could come in on Wednesday next withher brother to meet a few friends. She replied that she would only be toopleased.
　　November 13. - Carrie sent out invitations to Gowing, the Cummings,to Mr. and Mrs. James (of Sutton), and Mr. Stillbrook. I wrote a note toMr. Franching, of Peckham. Carrie said we may as well make it a niceaffair, and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perkupp? I said I feared wewere not quite grand enough for him. Carrie said there was "no offencein asking him." I said: "Certainly not," and I wrote him a letter.
　　Carrie confessed she was a little disappointed with Daisy Mutlar'sappearance, but thought she seemed a nice girl.
　　November 14. - Everybody so far has accepted for our quite grandlittle party for to-morrow. Mr. Perkupp, in a nice letter which I shallkeep, wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could get away, hewould come up to Holloway for an hour. Carrie was busy all day,making little cakes and open jam puffs and jellies. She said she felt quitenervous about her responsibilities to- morrow evening. We decided tohave some light things on the table, such as sandwiches, cold chicken and ham, and some sweets, and on the sideboard a nice piece of cold beef anda Paysandu tongue - for the more hungry ones to peg into if they liked.
　　Gowing called to know if he was to put on "swallow-tails" to- morrow.
　　Carrie said he had better dress, especially as Mr. Franching was coming,and there was a possibility of Mr. Perkupp also putting in an appearance.
　　Gowing said: "Oh, I only wanted to know, for I have not worn mydress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have the creases pressedout."After Gowing left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to please DaisyMutlar, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in fact, disapprovedof everything, including our having asked our old friend Cummings, who,he said, would look in evening-dress like a green-grocer engaged to wait,and who must not be surprised if Daisy took him for one.
　　I fairly lost my temper, and said: "Lupin, allow me to tell you MissDaisy Mutlar is not the Queen of England. I gave you credit for morewisdom than to allow yourself to be inveigled into an engagement with awoman considerably older than yourself. I advise you to think of earningyour living before entangling yourself with a wife whom you will have tosupport, and, in all probability, her brother also, who appeared to benothing but a loafer."Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin jumped upand said: "If you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult me. I willleave the house and never darken your doors again."He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But it was allright. He came back to supper, and we played Bezique till nearly twelveo'clock.
Chapter 9
　　Our first important Party. Old Friends and New Friends. Gowing isa little annoying; but his friend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out to be quiteamusing. Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkupp, but he is most kind andcomplimentary. Party a great success.
　　November 15. - A red-letter day. Our first important party since wehave been in this house. I got home early from the City. Lupin insistedon having a hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen of champagne. I thinkthis an unnecessary expense, but Lupin said he had had a piece of luck,having made three pounds out a private deal in the City. I hope he won'tgamble in his new situation. The supper-room looked so nice, and Carrietruly said: "We need not be ashamed of its being seen by Mr. Perkupp,should he honour us by coming."I dressed early in case people should arrive punctually at eight o'clock,and was much vexed to find my new dress-trousers much too short.
　　Lupin, who is getting beyond his position, found fault with mywearing ordinary boots instead of dress-boots.
　　I replied satirically: "My dear son, I have lived to be above that sortof thing."Lupin burst out laughing, and said: "A man generally was above hisboots."This may be funny, or it may NOT; but I was gratified to find he hadnot discovered the coral had come off one of my studs. Carrie looked apicture, wearing the dress she wore at the Mansion House. Thearrangement of the drawing-room was excellent. Carrie had hung muslincurtains over the folding-doors, and also over one of the entrances, for wehad removed the door from its hinges.
　　Mr. Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I gave him strictorders not to open another bottle of champagne until the previous one wasempty. Carrie arranged for some sherry and port wine to be placed onthe drawing-room sideboard, with some glasses. By-the- by, our new enlarged and tinted photographs look very nice on the walls, especially asCarrie has arranged some Liberty silk bows on the four corners of them.
　　The first arrival was Gowing, who, with his usual taste, greeted mewith: "Hulloh, Pooter, why your trousers are too short!"I simply said: "Very likely, and you will find my temper 'sHORT'
　　also."He said: "That won't make your trousers longer, Juggins. Youshould get your missus to put a flounce on them."I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations in mydiary.
　　The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings. The former said:
　　"As you didn't say anything about dress, I have come 'half dress.'" He hadon a black frock-coat and white tie. The James', Mr. Merton, and Mr.
　　Stillbrook arrived, but Lupin was restless and unbearable till his DaisyMutlar and Frank arrived.
　　Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy's appearance. She had abright-crimson dress on, cut very low in the neck. I do not think such astyle modest. She ought to have taken a lesson from Carrie, and coveredher shoulders with a little lace. Mr. Nackles, Mr. Sprice-Hogg and hisfour daughters came; so did Franching, and one or two of Lupin's newfriends, members of the "Holloway Comedians." Some of these seemedrather theatrical in their manner, especially one, who was posing all theevening, and leant on our little round table and cracked it. Lupin calledhim "our Henry," and said he was "our lead at the H.C.'s," and was quite asgood in that department as Harry Mutlar was as the low-comedy merchant.
　　All this is Greek to me.
　　We had some music, and Lupin, who never left Daisy's side for amoment, raved over her singing of a song, called "Some Day." It seemeda pretty song, but she made such grimaces, and sang, to my mind, so outof tune, I would not have asked her to sing again; but Lupin made her singfour songs right off, one after the other.
　　At ten o'clock we went down to supper, and from the way Gowing andCummings ate you would have thought they had not had a meal for amonth. I told Carrie to keep something back in case Mr. Perkupp should come by mere chance. Gowing annoyed me very much by filling a largetumbler of champagne, and drinking it straight off. He repeated thisaction, and made me fear our half-dozen of champagne would not last out.
　　I tried to keep a bottle back, but Lupin got hold of it, and took it to theside-table with Daisy and Frank Mutlar. We went upstairs, and the youngfellows began skylarking. Carrie put a stop to that at once. Stillbrookamused us with a song, "What have you done with your Cousin John?"did not notice that Lupin and Frank had disappeared. I asked Mr. Watson,one of the Holloways, where they were, and he said: "It's a case of 'Oh,what a surprise!'"We were directed to form a circle - which we did. Watson then said:
　　"I have much pleasure in introducing the celebrated Blondin Donkey."Frank and Lupin then bounded into the room. Lupin had whitened hisface like a clown, and Frank had tied round his waist a large hearthrug.
　　He was supposed to be the donkey, and he looked it. They indulged in avery noisy pantomime, and we were all shrieking with laughter.
　　I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr Perkupp standing halfway in the door, he having arrived without our knowing it. I beckoned toCarrie, and we went up to him at once. He would not come right into theroom. I apologised for the foolery, but Mr. Perkupp said: "Oh, it seemsamusing." I could see he was not a bit amused.
　　Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was a wreck. Therewas not a glass of champagne left - not even a sandwich. Mr. Perkuppsaid he required nothing, but would like a glass of seltzer or soda water.
　　The last syphon was empty. Carrie said: "We have plenty of port wineleft." Mr. Perkupp said, with a smile: "No, thank you. I really requirenothing, but I am most pleased to see you and your husband in your ownhome. Good-night, Mrs. Pooter - you will excuse my very short stay, Iknow." I went with him to his carriage, and he said: "Don't trouble tocome to the office till twelve to-morrow."I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I told Carrie Ithought the party was a failure. Carrie said it was a great success, and Iwas only tired, and insisted on my having some port myself. I drank twoglasses, and felt much better, and we went into the drawing-room, where they had commenced dancing. Carrie and I had a little dance, which Isaid reminded me of old days. She said I was a spooney old thing.
Chapter 10
　　Reflections. I make another Good Joke. Am annoyed at theconstant serving-up of the "Blanc-Mange." Lupin expresses his opinionof Weddings. Lupin falls out with Daisy Mutlar.
　　November 16. -Woke about twenty times during the night, withterrible thirst. Finished off all the water in the bottle, as well as half thatin the jug. Kept dreaming also, that last night's party was a failure, andthat a lot of low people came without invitation, and kept chaffing andthrowing things at Mr. Perkupp, till at last I was obliged to hide him in thebox-room (which we had just discovered), with a bath-towel over him. Itseems absurd now, but it was painfully real in the dream. I had the samedream about a dozen times.
　　Carrie annoyed me by saying: "You know champagne never agreeswith you." I told her I had only a couple of glasses of it, having keptmyself entirely to port. I added that good champagne hurt nobody, andLupin told me he had only got it from a traveller as a favour, as thatparticular brand had been entirely bought up by a West-End club.
　　I think I ate too heartily of the "side dishes," as the waiter called them.
　　I said to Carrie: "I wish I had put those 'side dishes' ASIDE." Irepeated this, but Carrie was busy, packing up the teaspoons we hadborrowed of Mrs. Cummings for the party. It was just half-past eleven,and I was starting for the office, when Lupin appeared, with a yellowcomplexion, and said: "Hulloh! Guv., what priced head have you thismorning?" I told him he might just as well speak to me in Dutch. Headded: "When I woke this morning, my head was as big as Baldwin'sballoon." On the spur of the moment I said the cleverest thing I think Ihave ever said; viz.: "Perhaps that accounts for the paraSHOOTINGpains." We roared.
　　November 17. - Still feel tired and headachy! In the evening Gowingcalled, and was full of praise about our party last Wednesday. He saideverything was done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself enormously.
　　 Gowing can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but you never know howlong it will last. For instance, he stopped to supper, and seeing someBLANC-MANGE on the table, shouted out, while the servant was in theroom: "Hulloh! The remains of Wednesday?"November 18. - Woke up quite fresh after a good night's rest, and feelquite myself again. I am satisfied a life of going-out and Society is not alife for me; we therefore declined the invitation which we received thismorning to Miss Bird's wedding. We only met her twice at Mrs. James',and it means a present. Lupin said: "I am with you for once. To mymind a wedding's a very poor play. There are only two parts in it - thebride and bridegroom. The best man is only a walking gentleman. Withthe exception of a crying father and a snivelling mother, the rest areSUPERS who have to dress well and have to PAY for their insignificantparts in the shape of costly presents." I did not care for the theatricalslang, but thought it clever, though disrespectful.
　　I told Sarah not to bring up the BLANC-MANGE again for breakfast.
　　It seems to have been placed on our table at every meal since Wednesday.
　　Cummings came round in the evening, and congratulated us on the successof our party. He said it was the best party he had been to for many a year;but he wished we had let him know it was full dress, as he would haveturned up in his swallow-tails. We sat down to a quiet game of dominoes,and were interrupted by the noisy entrance of Lupin and Frank Mutlar.
　　Cummings and I asked them to join us. Lupin said he did not care fordominoes, and suggested a game of "Spoof." On my asking if it requiredcounters, Frank and Lupin in measured time said: "One, two, three; go!
　　Have you an estate in Greenland?" It was simply Greek to me, but itappears it is one of the customs of the "Holloway Comedians" to do thiswhen a member displays ignorance.
　　In spite of my instructions, that BLANC-MANGE was brought upagain for supper. To make matters worse, there had been an attempt todisguise it, by placing it in a glass dish with jam round it. Carrie askedLupin if he would have some, and he replied: "No second-hand goodsfor me, thank you." I told Carrie, when we were alone, if that BLANCMANGE were placed on the table again I should walk out of the house.
　　 November 19, Sunday. -A delightfully quiet day. In the afternoonLupin was off to spend the rest of the day with the Mutlars. He departedin the best of spirits, and Carrie said: "Well, one advantage of Lupin'sengagement with Daisy is that the boy seems happy all day long. Thatquite reconciles me to what I must confess seems an imprudentengagement."Carrie and I talked the matter over during the evening, and agreed thatit did not always follow that an early engagement meant an unhappymarriage. Dear Carrie reminded me that we married early, and, with theexception of a few trivial misunderstandings, we had never had a reallyserious word. I could not help thinking (as I told her) that half thepleasures of life were derived from the little struggles and small privationsthat one had to endure at the beginning of one's married life. Suchstruggles were generally occasioned by want of means, and often helped tomake loving couples stand together all the firmer.
　　Carrie said I had expressed myself wonderfully well, and that I wasquite a philosopher.
　　We are all vain at times, and I must confess I felt flattered by Carrie'slittle compliment. I don't pretend to be able to express myself in finelanguage, but I feel I have the power of expressing my thoughts withsimplicity and lucidness. About nine o'clock, to our surprise. Lupinentered, with a wild, reckless look, and in a hollow voice, which I mustsay seemed rather theatrical, said: "Have you any brandy?" I said: "No;but here is some whisky." Lupin drank off nearly a wineglassful withoutwater, to my horror.
　　We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when Carrie and I rose to goto bed. Carrie said to Lupin: "I hope Daisy is well?"Lupin, with a forced careless air that he must have picked up from the"Holloway Comedians," replied: "Oh, Daisy? You mean Miss Mutlar.
　　I don't know whether she is well or not, but please NEVER TOMENTION HER NAME AGAIN IN MY PRESENCE."
Chapter 11
　　We have a dose of Irving imitations. Make the acquaintance of a Mr.
　　Padge. Don't care for him. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton becomes a nuisance.
　　November 20. - Have seen nothing of Lupin the whole day. Boughta cheap address-book. I spent the evening copying in the names andaddresses of my friends and acquaintances. Left out the Mutlars ofcourse.
　　November 21. - Lupin turned up for a few minutes in the evening. Heasked for a drop of brandy with a sort of careless look, which to my mindwas theatrical and quite ineffective. I said: "My boy, I have none, and Idon't think I should give it you if I had." Lupin said: "I'll go where I canget some," and walked out of the house. Carrie took the boy's part, andthe rest of the evening was spent in a disagreeable discussion, in which thewords "Daisy" and "Mutlar" must have occurred a thousand times.
　　November 22. - Gowing and Cummings dropped in during the evening.
　　Lupin also came in, bringing his friend, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton - one of the"Holloway Comedians" - who was at our party the other night, and whocracked our little round table. Happy to say Daisy Mutlar was neverreferred to. The conversation was almost entirely monopolised by theyoung fellow Fosselton, who not only looked rather like Mr. Irving, butseemed to imagine that he WAS the celebrated actor. I must say he gavesome capital imitations of him. As he showed no signs of moving atsupper time, I said: "If you like to stay, Mr. Fosselton, for our usual crust- pray do." He replied: "Oh! thanks; but please call me Burwin-Fosselton.
　　It is a double name. There are lots of Fosseltons, but please call meBurwin-Fosselton."He began doing the Irving business all through supper. He sank solow down in his chair that his chin was almost on a level with the table,and twice he kicked Carrie under the table, upset his wine, and flashed aknife uncomfortably near Gowing's face. After supper he kept stretchingout his legs on the fender, indulging in scraps of quotations from plays which were Greek to me, and more than once knocked over the fire-irons,making a hideous row - poor Carrie already having a bad head-ache.
　　When he went, he said, to our surprise: "I will come to-morrow andbring my Irving make-up." Gowing and Cummings said they would liketo see it and would come too. I could not help thinking they might aswell give a party at my house while they are about it. However, as Carriesensibly said: "Do anything, dear, to make Lupin forget the Daisy Mutlarbusiness."November 23. - In the evening, Cummings came early. Gowingcame a little later and brought, without asking permission, a fat and, Ithink, very vulgar-looking man named Padge, who appeared to be allmoustache. Gowing never attempted any apology to either of us, but saidPadge wanted to see the Irving business, to which Padge said: "That'sright," and that is about all he DID say during the entire evening. Lupincame in and seemed in much better spirits. He had prepared a bit of asurprise. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton had come in with him, but had goneupstairs to get ready. In half-an-hour Lupin retired from the parlour, andreturning in a few minutes, announced "Mr. Henry Irving."I must say we were all astounded. I never saw such a resemblance. Itwas astonishing. The only person who did not appear interested was theman Padge, who had got the best arm-chair, and was puffing away at afoul pipe into the fireplace. After some little time I said; "Why do actorsalways wear their hair so long?" Carrie in a moment said, "Mr. Haredoesn't wear long HAIR." How we laughed except Mr. Fosselton, whosaid, in a rather patronising kind of way, "The joke, Mrs. Pooter, isextremely appropriate, if not altogether new." Thinking this rather a snub,I said: "Mr. Fosselton, I fancy - " He interrupted me by saying: "Mr.
　　BURWIN- Fosselton, if you please," which made me quite forget what Iwas going to say to him. During the supper Mr. Burwin-Fosselton againmonopolised the conversation with his Irving talk, and both Carrie and Icame to the conclusion one can have even too much imitation of Irving.
　　After supper, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton got a little too boisterous over hisIrving imitation, and suddenly seizing Gowing by the collar of his coat,dug his thumb-nail, accidentally of course, into Gowing's neck and took a piece of flesh out. Gowing was rightly annoyed, but that man Padge,who having declined our modest supper in order that he should not losehis comfortable chair, burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter at thelittle misadventure. I was so annoyed at the conduct of Padge, I said: "Isuppose you would have laughed if he had poked Mr. Gowing's eye out?"to which Padge replied: "That's right," and laughed more than ever.
　　think perhaps the greatest surprise was when we broke up, for Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said: "Good-night, Mr. Pooter. I'm glad you like theimitation, I'll bring THE OTHER MAKE-UP TO-MORROW NIGHT."November 24. - I went to town without a pocket-handkerchief. Thisis the second time I have done this during the last week. I must be losingmy memory. Had it not been for this Daisy Mutlar business, I wouldhave written to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and told him I should be out thisevening, but I fancy he is the sort of young man who would come all thesame.
　　Dear old Cummings came in the evening; but Gowing sent round alittle note saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up, which ratheramused me. He added that his neck was still painful. Of course, Burwin-Fosselton came, but Lupin never turned up, and imagine my utter disgustwhen that man Padge actually came again, and not even accompanied byGowing. I was exasperated, and said: "Mr. Padge, this is a SURPRISE."Dear Carrie, fearing unpleasantness, said: "Oh! I suppose Mr. Padge hasonly come to see the other Irving make-up." Mr. Padge said: "That'sright," and took the best chair again, from which he never moved thewhole evening.
　　My only consolation is, he takes no supper, so he is not an expensiveguest, but I shall speak to Gowing about the matter. The Irvingimitations and conversations occupied the whole evening, till I was sick ofit. Once we had a rather heated discussion, which was commenced byCummings saying that it appeared to him that Mr. Burwin-Fosselton wasnot only LIKE Mr. Irving, but was in his judgment every way as GOOD oreven BETTER. I ventured to remark that after all it was but an imitationof an original.
　　Cummings said surely some imitations were better than the originals.
　　 I made what I considered a very clever remark: "Without an original therecan be no imitation." Mr. Burwin- Fosselton said quite impertinently:
　　"Don't discuss me in my presence, if you please; and, Mr. Pooter, I shouldadvise you to talk about what you understand;" to which that cad Padgereplied: "That's right." Dear Carrie saved the whole thing by suddenlysaying: "I'll be Ellen Terry." Dear Carrie's imitation wasn't a bit liked,but she was so spontaneous and so funny that the disagreeable discussionpassed off. When they left, I very pointedly said to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and Mr. Padge that we should be engaged to-morrow evening.
　　November 25. - Had a long letter from Mr. Fosselton respecting lastnight's Irving discussion. I was very angry, and I wrote and said I knewlittle or nothing about stage matters, was not in the least interested in themand positively declined to be drawn into a discussion on the subject, evenat the risk of its leading to a breach of friendship. I never wrote a moredetermined letter.
　　On returning home at the usual hour on Saturday afternoon I met nearthe Archway Daisy Mutlar. My heart gave a leap. I bowed rather stiffly,but she affected not to have seen me. Very much annoyed in the eveningby the laundress sending home an odd sock. Sarah said she sent two pairs,and the laundress declared only a pair and a half were sent. I spoke toCarrie about it, but she rather testily replied: "I am tired of speaking toher; you had better go and speak to her yourself. She is outside." I didso, but the laundress declared that only an odd sock was sent.
　　Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rude enough tolisten to the conversation, and interrupting, said: "Don't waste the oddsock, old man; do an act of charity and give it to some poor mar with onlyone leg." The laundress giggled like an idiot. I was disgusted and walkedupstairs for the purpose of pinning down my collar, as the button hadcome off the back of my shirt.
　　When I returned to the parlour, Gowing was retailing his idiotic jokeabout the odd sock, and Carrie was roaring with laughter. I suppose I amlosing my sense of humour. I spoke my mind pretty freely about Padge.
　　Gowing said he had met him only once before that evening. He had beenintroduced by a friend, and as he (Padge) had "stood" a good dinner, Gowing wished to show him some little return. Upon my word,Gowing's coolness surpasses all belief. Lupin came in before I couldreply, and Gowing unfortunately inquired after Daisy Mutlar. Lupinshouted: "Mind your own business, sir!" and bounced out of the room,slamming the door. The remainder of the night was Daisy Mutlar - DaisyMutlar - Daisy Mutlar. Oh dear!
　　November 26, Sunday. - The curate preached a very good sermon today - very good indeed. His appearance is never so impressive as ourdear old vicar's, but I am bound to say his sermons are much moreimpressive. A rather annoying incident occurred, of which I must makemention. Mrs. Fernlosse, who is quite a grand lady, living in one of thoselarge houses in the Camden Road, stopped to speak to me after church,when we were all coming out. I must say I felt flattered, for she isthought a good deal of. I suppose she knew me through seeing me sooften take round the plate, especially as she always occupies the cornerseat of the pew. She is a very influential lady, and may have hadsomething of the utmost importance to say, but unfortunately, as shecommenced to speak a strong gust of wind came and blew my hat off intothe middle of the road.
　　I had to run after it, and had the greatest difficulty in recovering it.
　　When I had succeeded in doing so, I found Mrs. Fernlosse had walked onwith some swell friends, and I felt I could not well approach her now,especially as my hat was smothered with mud. I cannot say howdisappointed I felt.
　　In the evening (SUNDAY evening of all others) I found an impertinentnote from Mr. Burwin-Fosselton, which ran as follows:
　　"Dear Mr. Pooter, - Although your junior by perhaps some twenty orthirty years - which is sufficient reason that you ought to have a longerrecord of the things and ways in this miniature of a planet - I feel it is justwithin the bounds of possibility that the wheels of your life don't travel soquickly round as those of the humble writer of these lines. The dandyhorse of past days has been known to overtake the SLOW COACH.
　　"Do I make myself understood?
　　"Very well, then! Permit me, Mr. Pooter, to advise you to accept the VERB. SAP. Acknowledge your defeat, and take your whippinggracefully; for remember you threw down the glove, and I cannot claim tobe either mentally or physically a COWARD!
　　"REVENONS E NOS MOUTONS.
　　"Our lives run in different grooves. I live for MY ART - THESTAGE. Your life is devoted to commercial pursuits - 'A life amongLedgers.' My books are of different metal. Your life in the City ishonourable, I admit. BUT HOW DIFFERENT! Cannot even you seethe ocean between us? A channel that prevents the meeting of our brainsin harmonious accord. Ah! But CHACUN E SON GOUT.
　　"I have registered a vow to mount the steps of fame. I may crawl, Imay slip, I may even falter (we are all weak), but REACH THE TOPRUNG OF THE LADDER I WILL!!! When there, my voice shall beheard, for I will shout to the multitudes below: 'VICI!' For the present Iam only an amateur, and my work is unknown, forsooth, save to a party offriends, with here and there an enemy.
　　"But, Mr. Pooter, let me ask you, 'What is the difference between theamateur and the professional?'
　　"None!!!
　　"Stay! Yes, there is a difference. One is PAID for doing what theother does as skilfully for NOTHING!
　　"But I will be PAID, too! For I, contrary to the wishes of my familyand friends, have at last elected to adopt the stage as MY profession.
　　And when the FARCE craze is over - and, MARK YOU, THAT WILL BESOON - I will make my power known; for I feel - pardon my apparentconceit - that there is no living man who can play the hump-backedRichard as I FEEL and KNOW I can.
　　"And YOU will be the first to come round and bend your head insubmission. There are many matters you may understand, but knowledgeof the fine art of acting is to you an UNKNOWN QUANTITY.
　　"Pray let this discussion cease with this letter. VALE!
　　Yours truly,"Burwin-Fosselton."I was disgusted. When Lupin came in, I handed him this impertinent letter, and said: "My boy, in that letter you can see the truecharacter of your friend."Lupin, to my surprise, said: "Oh yes. He showed me the letterbefore he sent it. I think he is right, and you ought to apologise."
Chapter 12
　　A serious discussion concerning the use and value of my diary. Lupin'sopinion of 'Xmas. Lupin's unfortunate engagement is on again.
　　December 17. - As I open my scribbling diary I find the words"Oxford Michaelmas Term ends." Why this should induce me to indulgein retrospective I don't know, but it does. The last few weeks of my diaryare of minimum interest. The breaking off of the engagement betweenLupin and Daisy Mutlar has made him a different being, and Carrie arather depressing companion. She was a little dull last Saturday, and Ithought to cheer her up by reading some extracts from my diary; but shewalked out of the room in the middle of the reading, without a word. Onher return, I said: "Did my diary bore you, darling?"She replied, to my surprise: "I really wasn't listening, dear. I wasobliged to leave to give instructions to the laundress. In consequence ofsome stuff she puts in the water, two more of Lupin's coloured shirts haverun and he says he won't wear them."I said: "Everything is Lupin. It's all Lupin, Lupin, Lupin. Therewas not a single button on my shirt yesterday, but I made no complaint."Carrie simply replied: "You should do as all other men do, and wearstuds. In fact, I never saw anyone but you wear buttons on the shirt-fronts."I said: "I certainly wore none yesterday, for there were none on."Another thought that strikes me is that Gowing seldom calls in theevening, and Cummings never does. I fear they don't get on well withLupin.
　　December 18. - Yesterday I was in a retrospective vein - to-day it isPROSPECTIVE. I see nothing but clouds, clouds, clouds. Lupin isperfectly intolerable over the Daisy Mutlar business. He won't say whatis the cause of the breach. He is evidently condemning her conduct, andyet, if we venture to agree with him, says he won't hear a word against her.
　　So what is one to do? Another thing which is disappointing to me is, that Carrie and Lupin take no interest whatever in my diary.
　　I broached the subject at the breakfast-table to-day. I said: "I was inhopes that, if anything ever happened to me, the diary would be an endlesssource of pleasure to you both; to say nothing of the chance of theremuneration which may accrue from its being published."Both Carrie and Lupin burst out laughing. Carrie was sorry for this, Icould see, for she said: "I did not mean to be rude, dear Charlie; but trulyI do not think your diary would sufficiently interest the public to be takenup by a publisher."I replied: "I am sure it would prove quite as interesting as some ofthe ridiculous reminiscences that have been published lately. Besides, it'sthe diary that makes the man. Where would Evelyn and Pepys have beenif it had not been for their diaries?"Carrie said I was quite a philosopher; but Lupin, in a jeering tone, said:
　　"If it had been written on larger paper, Guv., we might get a fair price froma butterman for it."As I am in the prospective vein, I vow the end of this year will see theend of my diary.
　　December 19. - The annual invitation came to spend Christmas withCarrie's mother - the usual family festive gathering to which we alwayslook forward. Lupin declined to go. I was astounded, and expressedmy surprise and disgust. Lupin then obliged us with the followingRadical speech: "I hate a family gathering at Christmas. What does itmean? Why someone says: 'Ah! we miss poor Uncle James, who washere last year,' and we all begin to snivel. Someone else says: 'It's twoyears since poor Aunt Liz used to sit in that corner.' Then we all begin tosnivel again. Then another gloomy relation says 'Ah! I wonder whoseturn it will be next?' Then we all snivel again, and proceed to eat and drinktoo much; and they don't discover until I get up that we have been seatedthirteen at dinner."December 20. - Went to Smirksons', the drapers, in the Strand, whothis year have turned out everything in the shop and devoted the wholeplace to the sale of Christmas cards. Shop crowded with people, whoseemed to take up the cards rather roughly, and, after a hurried glance at them, throw them down again. I remarked to one of the young personsserving, that carelessness appeared to be a disease with some purchasers.
　　The observation was scarcely out of my mouth, when my thick coat-sleevecaught against a large pile of expensive cards in boxes one on top of theother, and threw them down. The manager came forward, looking verymuch annoyed, and picking up several cards from the ground, said to oneof the assistants, with a palpable side-glance at me: "Put these amongstthe sixpenny goods; they can't be sold for a shilling now." The result was,I felt it my duty to buy some of these damaged cards.
　　I had to buy more and pay more than intended. Unfortunately I didnot examine them all, and when I got home I discovered a vulgar cardwith a picture of a fat nurse with two babies, one black and the other white,and the words: "We wish Pa a Merry Christmas." I tore up the card andthrew it away. Carrie said the great disadvantage of going out in Societyand increasing the number of our friends was, that we should have to sendout nearly two dozen cards this year.
　　December 21. - To save the postman a miserable Christmas, we followthe example of all unselfish people, and send out our cards early. Most ofthe cards had finger-marks, which I did not notice at night. I shall buy allfuture cards in the daytime. Lupin (who, ever since he has had theappointment with a stock and share broker, does not seem over-scrupulousin his dealings) told me never to rub out the pencilled price on the backs ofthe cards. I asked him why. Lupin said: "Suppose your card ismarked 9d. Well, all you have to do is to pencil a 3 - and a long downstroke after it - in FRONT of the ninepence, and people will think youhave given five times the price for it."In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded him thatbehind the clouds the sun was shining. He said: "Ugh! it never shineson me." I said: "Stop, Lupin, my boy; you are worried about DaisyMutlar. Don't think of her any more. You ought to congratulateyourself on having got off a very bad bargain. Her notions are far toogrand for our simple tastes." He jumped up and said: "I won't allowone word to be uttered against her. She's worth the whole bunch of yourfriends put together, that inflated, sloping-head of a Perkupp included." left the room with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.
　　December 23. - I exchanged no words with Lupin in the morning; butas he seemed to be in exuberant spirits in the evening, I ventured to askhim where he intended to spend his Christmas. He replied: "Oh, mostlikely at the Mutlars'."In wonderment, I said: "What! after your engagement has beenbroken off?"Lupin said: "Who said it is off?"I said: "You have given us both to understand - "He interrupted me by saying: "Well, never mind what I said. IT ISON AGAIN - THERE!"
Chapter 13
　　I receive an insulting Christmas card. We spend a pleasant Christmasat Carrie's mother's. A Mr. Moss is rather too free. A boisterousevening, during which I am struck in the dark. I receive an extraordinaryletter from Mr. Mutlar, senior, respecting Lupin. We miss drinking outthe Old Year.
　　December 24. - I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillingsto find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received thismorning. I never insult people; why should they insult me? The worstpart of the transaction is, that I find myself suspecting all my friends.
　　The handwriting on the envelope is evidently disguised, being writtensloping the wrong way. I cannot think either Gowing or Cummingswould do such a mean thing. Lupin denied all knowledge of it, and Ibelieve him; although I disapprove of his laughing and sympathising withthe offender. Mr. Franching would be above such an act; and I don'tthink any of the Mutlars would descend to such a course. I wonder if Pitt,that impudent clerk at the office, did it? Or Mrs. Birrell, the charwoman,or Burwin-Fosselton? The writing is too good for the former.
　　Christmas Day. - We caught the 10.20 train at Paddington, and spent apleasant day at Carrie's mother's. The country was quite nice andpleasant, although the roads were sloppy. We dined in the middle of theday, just ten of us, and talked over old times. If everybody had a nice,UNinterfering mother-in-law, such as I have, what a deal of happinessthere would be in the world. Being all in good spirits, I proposed herhealth, and I made, I think, a very good speech.
　　I concluded, rather neatly, by saying: "On an occasion like thiswhether relatives, friends, or acquaintances, - we are all inspired withgood feelings towards each other. We are of one mind, and think only oflove and friendship. Those who have quarrelled with absent friendsshould kiss and make it up. Those who happily have not fallen out, cankiss all the same." I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother, and must sayI felt very flattered by the compliment. That dear old Reverend JohnPanzy Smith, who married us, made a most cheerful and amusing speech,and said he should act on my suggestion respecting the kissing. He thenwalked round the table and kissed all the ladies, including Carrie. Ofcourse one did not object to this; but I was more than staggered when ayoung fellow named Moss, who was a stranger to me, and who hadscarcely spoken a word through dinner, jumped up suddenly with a sprigof misletoe, and exclaimed: "Hulloh! I don't see why I shouldn't be on inthis scene." Before one could realise what he was about to do, he kissedCarrie and the rest of the ladies.
　　Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke, and we all laughed; but itwas a dangerous experiment, and I felt very uneasy for a moment as to theresult. I subsequently referred to the matter to Carrie, but she said: "Oh,he's not much more than a boy." I said that he had a very largemoustache for a boy. Carrie replied: "I didn't say he was not a niceboy."December 26. - I did not sleep very well last night; I never do in astrange bed. I feel a little indigestion, which one must expect at this timeof the year. Carrie and I returned to Town in the evening. Lupin camein late. He said he enjoyed his Christmas, and added: "I feel as fit as aLowther Arcade fiddle, and only require a little more 'oof' to feel as fit as a500 pounds Stradivarius." I have long since given up trying tounderstand Lupin's slang, or asking him to explain it.
　　December 27. - I told Lupin I was expecting Gowing and Cummingsto drop in to-morrow evening for a quiet game. I was in hope the boywould volunteer to stay in, and help to amuse them. Instead of which, hesaid: "Oh, you had better put them off, as I have asked Daisy and FrankMutlar to come." I said I could not think of doing such a thing. Lupinsaid: "Then I will send a wire, and put off Daisy." I suggested that apost-card or letter would reach her quite soon enough, and would not be soextravagant.
　　Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation with apparentannoyance, directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin. She said: "Lupin, why do you object to Daisy meeting your father's friends? Is it because they arenot good enough for her, or (which is equally possible) SHE is not goodenough for them?" Lupin was dumbfounded, and could make no reply.
　　When he left the room, I gave Carrie a kiss of approval.
　　December 28 - Lupin, on coming down to breakfast, said to his mother:
　　"I have not put off Daisy and Frank, and should like them to join Gowingand Cummings this evening." I felt very pleased with the boy for this.
　　Carrie said, in reply: "I am glad you let me know in time, as I can turnover the cold leg of mutton, dress it with a little parsley, and no one willknow it has been cut." She further said she would make a few custards,and stew some pippins, so that they would be cold by the evening.
　　Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if he really had anypersonal objection to either Gowing or Cummings. He replied: "Not inthe least. I think Cummings looks rather an ass, but that is partly due tohis patronising 'the three-and-six-one-price hat company,' and wearing areach-me-down frock-coat. As for that perpetual brown velveteen jacketof Gowing's - why, he resembles an itinerant photographer."I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman; whereupon Lupin,with a laugh, replied: "No, and it wasn't much of a gentleman who madetheir coats."We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made herself very agreeable,especially in the earlier part of the evening, when she sang. At supper,however, she said: "Can you make tee-to-tums with bread?" and shecommenced rolling up pieces of bread, and twisting them round on thetable. I felt this to be bad manners, but of course said nothing.
　　Presently Daisy and Lupin, to my disgust, began throwing bread-pills ateach other. Frank followed suit, and so did Cummings and Gowing, tomy astonishment. They then commenced throwing hard pieces of crust,one piece catching me on the forehead, and making me blink. I said:
　　"Steady, please; steady!" Frank jumped up and said: "Tum, tum; thenthe band played."I did not know what this meant, but they all roared, and continued thebread-battle. Gowing suddenly seized all the parsley off the cold mutton,and threw it full in my face. I looked daggers at Gowing, who replied:
　　 "I say, it's no good trying to look indignant, with your hair full of parsley."I rose from the table, and insisted that a stop should be put to this fooleryat once. Frank Mutlar shouted: "Time, gentlemen, please! time!" andturned out the gas, leaving us in absolute darkness.
　　I was feeling my way out of the room, when I suddenly received ahard intentional punch at the back of my head. I said loudly: "Who didthat?" There was no answer; so I repeated the question, with the sameresult. I struck a match, and lighted the gas. They were all talking andlaughing, so I kept my own counsel; but, after they had gone, I said toCarrie; "The person who sent me that insulting post-card at Christmas washere to-night."December 29. - I had a most vivid dream last night. I woke up, andon falling asleep, dreamed the same dream over again precisely. I dreamtI heard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only sent me theinsulting Christmas card, but admitted that he was the one who punchedmy head last night in the dark. As fate would have it, Lupin, at breakfast,was reading extracts from a letter he had just received from Frank.
　　I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might compare the writing. Hedid so, and I examined it by the side of the envelope containing theChristmas card. I detected a similarity in the writing, in spite of theattempted disguise. I passed them on to Carrie, who began to laugh. Iasked her what she was laughing at, and she said the card was neverdirected to me at all. It was "L. Pooter," not "C. Pooter." Lupin askedto look at the direction and the card, and exclaimed, with a laugh: "Ohyes, Guv., it's meant for me."I said: "Are you in the habit of receiving insulting Christmas cards?"He replied: "Oh yes, and of SENDING them, too."In the evening Gowing called, and said he enjoyed himself very muchlast night. I took the opportunity to confide in him, as an old friend,about the vicious punch last night. He burst out laughing, and said:
　　"Oh, it was YOUR HEAD, was it? I know I accidentally hit something,but I thought it was a brick wall." I told him I felt hurt, in both senses ofthe expression.
　　December 30, Sunday. - Lupin spent the whole day with the Mutlars.
　　 He seemed rather cheerful in the evening, so I said: "I'm glad to see youso happy, Lupin." He answered: "Well, Daisy is a splendid girl, but Iwas obliged to take her old fool of a father down a peg. What with hismeanness over his cigars, his stinginess over his drinks, his farthingeconomy in turning down the gas if you only quit the room for a second,writing to one on half-sheets of note-paper, sticking the remnant of the lastcake of soap on to the new cake, putting two bricks on each side of thefireplace, and his general 'outside-halfpenny-'bus-ness,' I was compelled tolet him have a bit of my mind." I said: "Lupin, you are not much morethan a boy; I hope you won't repent it."December 31. - The last day of the Old Year. I received anextraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior. He writes: "Dear Sir, - Fora long time past I have had considerable difficulty deciding the importantquestion, 'Who is the master of my own house? Myself, or YOUR SONLupin?' Believe me, I have no prejudice one way or the other; but I havebeen most reluctantly compelled to give judgment to the effect that I amthe master of it. Under the circumstances, it has become my duty toforbid your son to enter my house again. I am sorry, because it deprivesme of the society of one of the most modest, unassuming, and gentlemanlypersons I have ever had the honour of being acquainted with."I did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably, so I said nothingto either Carrie or Lupin about the letter.
　　A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, butpromised to be back to drink out the Old Year - a custom we have alwaysobserved. At a quarter to twelve Lupin had not returned, and the fog wasfearful. As time was drawing close, I got out the spirits. Carrie and Ideciding on whisky, I opened a fresh bottle; but Carrie said it smelt likebrandy. As I knew it to be whisky, I said there was nothing to discuss.
　　Carrie, evidently vexed that Lupin had not come in, did discuss it all thesame, and wanted me to have a small wager with her to decide by thesmell. I said I could decide it by the taste in a moment. A silly andunnecessary argument followed, the result of which was we suddenly sawit was a quarter-past twelve, and, for the first time in our married life, wemissed welcoming in the New Year. Lupin got home at a quarter- past two, having got lost in the fog - so he said.
Chapter 14
　　Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at the office. I maketwo good jokes. I get an enormous rise in my salary. Lupin speculatessuccessfully and starts a pony-trap. Have to speak to Sarah.
　　Extraordinary conduct of Gowing's.
　　January 1. - I had intended concluding my diary last week; but a mostimportant event has happened, so I shall continue for a little while longeron the fly-leaves attached to the end of my last year's diary. It had juststruck half-past one, and I was on the point of leaving the office to havemy dinner, when I received a message that Mr. Perkupp desired to see meat once. I must confess that my heart commenced to beat and I had mostserious misgivings.
　　Mr. Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said: "Take a seat, Mr.
　　Pooter, I shall not be moment."I replied: "No, thank you, sir; I'll stand."I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was waiting quite twentyminutes; but it seemed hours. Mr. Perkupp at last got up himself.
　　I said: "I hope there is nothing wrong, sir?"He replied: "Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, I hope." What a weightoff my mind! My breath seemed to come back again in an instant.
　　Mr. Perkupp said: "Mr. Buckling is going to retire, and there will besome slight changes in the office. You have been with us nearly twenty-one years, and, in consequence of your conduct during that period, weintend making a special promotion in your favour. We have not quitedecided how you will be placed; but in any case there will be aconsiderable increase in your salary, which, it is quite unnecessary for meto say, you fully deserve. I have an appointment at two; but you shallhear more to-morrow."He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed time orthought to express a single word of grateful thanks to him. I need not sayhow dear Carrie received this joyful news. With perfect simplicity she said: "At last we shall be able to have a chimney- glass for the backdrawing-room, which we always wanted." I added: "Yes, and at last youshall have that little costume which you saw at Peter Robinson's so cheap."January 2. - I was in a great state of suspense all day at the office.
　　did not like to worry Mr. Perkupp; but as he did not send for me, andmentioned yesterday that he would see me again to- day, I thought it better,perhaps, to go to him. I knocked at his door, and on entering, Mr.
　　Perkupp said: "Oh! it's you, Mr. Pooter; do you want to see me?" I said:
　　"No, sir, I thought you wanted to see me!" "Oh!" he replied, "Iremember. Well, I am very busy to-day; I will see you to-morrow."January 3. - Still in a state of anxiety and excitement, which was notalleviated by ascertaining that Mr. Perkupp sent word he should not be atthe office to-day. In the evening, Lupin, who was busily engaged with apaper, said suddenly to me: "Do you know anything about CHALKPITS, Guv.?" I said: "No, my boy, not that I'm aware of." Lupin said:
　　"Well, I give you the tip; CHALK PITS are as safe as Consols, and pay sixper cent. at par." I said a rather neat thing, viz.: "They may be six percent. at PAR, but your PA has no money to invest." Carrie and I bothroared with laughter. Lupin did not take the slightest notice of the joke,although I purposely repeated it for him; but continued: "I give you thetip, that's all - CHALK PITS!" I said another funny thing: "Mind youdon't fall into them!" Lupin put on a supercilious smile, and said:
　　"Bravo! Joe Miller."January 4. -Mr. Perkupp sent for me and told me that my positionwould be that of one of the senior clerks. I was more than overjoyed.
　　Mr. Perkupp added, he would let me know to-morrow what the salarywould be. This means another day's anxiety; I don't mind, for it isanxiety of the right sort. That reminded me that I had forgotten to speakto Lupin about the letter I received from Mr. Mutlar, senr. I broached thesubject to Lupin in the evening, having first consulted Carrie. Lupin wasriveted to the FINANCIAL NEWS, as if he had been a born capitalist, andI said: "Pardon me a moment, Lupin, how is it you have not been to theMutlars' any day this week?"Lupin answered: "I told you! I cannot stand old Mutlar." I said: "Mr. Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainly that he cannotstand you!"Lupin said: "Well, I like his cheek in writing to YOU. I'll find outif his father is still alive, and I will write HIM a note complaining of HISson, and I'll state pretty clearly that his son is a blithering idiot!"I said: "Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the presence ofyour mother."Lupin said: "I'm very sorry, but there is no other expression one canapply to him. However, I'm determined not to enter his place again."I said: "You know, Lupin, he has forbidden you the house."Lupin replied: "Well, we won't split straws - it's all the same. Daisyis a trump, and will wait for me ten years, if necessary."January 5. - I can scarcely write the news. Mr. Perkupp told me mysalary would be raised 100 pounds! I stood gaping for a moment unableto realise it. I annually get 10 pounds rise, and I thought it might be 15pounds or even 20 pounds; but 100 pounds surpasses all belief. Carrieand I both rejoiced over our good fortune. Lupin came home in theevening in the utmost good spirits. I sent Sarah quietly round to thegrocer's for a bottle of champagne, the same as we had before, "JacksonFreres." It was opened at supper, and I said to Lupin: "This is tocelebrate some good news I have received to-day." Lupin replied:
　　"Hooray, Guv.! And I have some good news, also; a double event, eh?"I said: "My boy, as a result of twenty-one years' industry and strictattention to the interests of my superiors in office, I have been rewardedwith promotion and a rise in salary of 100 pounds."Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the table furiously, whichbrought in Sarah to see what the matter was. Lupin ordered us to "fillup" again, and addressing us upstanding, said: "Having been in the firmof Job Cleanands, stock and share-brokers, a few weeks, and not havingpaid particular attention to the interests of my superiors in office, myGuv'nor, as a reward to me, allotted me 5 pounds worth of shares in areally good thing. The result is, to- day I have made 200 pounds."said: "Lupin, you are joking." "No, Guv., it's the good old truth; JobCleanands PUT ME ON TO CHLORATES." January 21. - I am very much concerned at Lupin having started apony-trap. I said: "Lupin, are you justified in this outrageousextravagance?" Lupin replied: "Well, one must get to the Citysomehow. I've only hired it, and can give it up any time I like." Irepeated my question: "Are you justified in this extravagance?" Hereplied: "Look here, Guv., excuse me saying so, but you're a bit out ofdate. It does not pay nowadays, fiddling about over small things.
　　don't mean anything personal, Guv'nor. My boss says if I take his tip,and stick to big things, I can make big money!" I said I thought the veryidea of speculation most horrifying. Lupin said "It is not speculation, it'sa dead cert." I advised him, at all events, not to continue the pony and cart;but he replied: "I made 200 pounds in one day; now suppose I only make200 pounds in a month, or put it at 100 pounds a month, which isridiculously low - why, that is 1,250 pounds a year. What's a few poundsa week for a trap?"I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that I should feelglad when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of age and responsiblefor his own debts. He answered: "My dear Guv., I promise youfaithfully that I will never speculate with what I have not got. I shallonly go on Job Cleanands' tips, and as he is in the 'know' it is pretty safesailing." I felt somewhat relieved. Gowing called in the evening and, tomy surprise, informed me that, as he had made 10 pounds by one ofLupin's tips, he intended asking us and the Cummings round next Saturday.
　　Carrie and I said we should be delighted.
　　January 22. - I don't generally lose my temper with servants; but I hadto speak to Sarah rather sharply about a careless habit she has recentlycontracted of shaking the table-cloth, after removing the breakfast things,in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fall on the carpet, eventually tobe trodden in. Sarah answered very rudely: "Oh, you are alwayscomplaining." I replied: "Indeed, I am not. I spoke to you last weekabout walking all over the drawing-room carpet with a piece of yellowsoap on the heel of your boot." She said: "And you're alwaysgrumbling about your breakfast." I said: "No, I am not; but I feelperfectly justified in complaining that I never can get a hard-boiled egg.
　　 The moment I crack the shell it spurts all over the plate, and I have spokento you at least fifty times about it." She began to cry and make a scene;but fortunately my 'bus came by, so I had a good excuse for leaving her.
　　Gowing left a message in the evening, that we were not to forget nextSaturday. Carrie amusingly said: As he has never asked any friendsbefore, we are not likely to forget it.
　　January 23. - I asked Lupin to try and change the hard brushes, herecently made me a present of, for some softer ones, as my hair- dressertells me I ought not to brush my hair too much just now.
　　January 24. - The new chimney-glass came home for the backdrawing- room. Carrie arranged some fans very prettily on the top andon each side. It is an immense improvement to the room.
　　January 25. - We had just finished our tea, when who should come inbut Cummings, who has not been here for over three weeks. I noticedthat he looked anything but well, so I said: "Well, Cummings, how areyou? You look a little blue." He replied: "Yes! and I feel blue too." Isaid: "Why, what's the matter?" He said: "Oh, nothing, except that Ihave been on my back for a couple of weeks, that's all. At one time mydoctor nearly gave me up, yet not a soul has come near me. No one haseven taken the trouble to inquire whether I was alive or dead."I said: "This is the first I have heard of it. I have passed your houseseveral nights, and presumed you had company, as the rooms were sobrilliantly lighted."Cummings replied: "No! The only company I have had was mywife, the doctor, and the landlady - the last-named having turned out aperfect trump. I wonder you did not see it in the paper. I know it wasmentioned in the BICYCLE NEWS."I thought to cheer him up, and said: "Well, you are all right now?"He replied: "That's not the question. The question is whether anillness does not enable you to discover who are your TRUE friends."I said such an observation was unworthy of him. To make mattersworse, in came Gowing, who gave Cummings a violent slap on the back,and said: "Hulloh! Have you seen a ghost? You look scared to death,like Irving in MACBETH." I said: "Gently, Gowing, the poor fellow has been very ill." Gowing roared with laughter and said: "Yes, andyou look it, too." Cummings quietly said: "Yes, and I feel it too - notthat I suppose you care."An awkward silence followed. Gowing said: "Never mind,Cummings, you and the missis come round to my place to-morrow, and itwill cheer you up a bit; for we'll open a bottle of wine."January 26. -An extraordinary thing happened. Carrie and I wentround to Gowing's, as arranged, at half-past seven. We knocked and rangseveral times without getting an answer. At last the latch was drawn andthe door opened a little way, the chain still being up. A man in shirtsleeves put his head through and said: "Who is it? What do you want?"I said: "Mr. Gowing, he is expecting us." The man said (as well as Icould hear, owing to the yapping of a little dog): "I don't think he is.
　　Mr. Gowing is not at home." I said: "He will be in directly."With that observation he slammed the door, leaving Carrie and mestanding on the steps with a cutting wind blowing round the corner.
　　Carrie advised me to knock again. I did so, and then discovered forthe first time that the knocker had been newly painted, and the paint hadcome off on my gloves - which were, in consequence, completely spoiled.
　　I knocked at the door with my stick two or three times.
　　The man opened the door, taking the chain off this time, and beganabusing me. He said: "What do you mean by scratching the paint withyour stick like that, spoiling the varnish? You ought to be ashamed ofyourself."I said: "Pardon me, Mr. Gowing invited - "He interrupted and said: "I don't care for Mr. Gowing, or any of hisfriends. This is MY door, not Mr. Gowing's. There are people herebesides Mr. Gowing."The impertinence of this man was nothing. I scarcely noticed it, itwas so trivial in comparison with the scandalous conduct of Gowing.
　　At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived. Cummings wasvery lame and leaning on a stick; but got up the steps and asked what thematter was.
　　The man said: "Mr. Gowing said nothing about expecting anyone.
　　 All he said was he had just received an invitation to Croydon, and heshould not be back till Monday evening. He took his bag with him."With that he slammed the door again. I was too indignant withGowing's conduct to say anything. Cummings looked white with rage,and as he descended the steps struck his stick violently on the ground andsaid: "Scoundrel!"
Chapter 15
　　Gowing explains his conduct. Lupin takes us for a drive, which wedon't enjoy. Lupin introduces us to Mr. Murray Posh.
　　February 8. - It does seem hard I cannot get good sausages forbreakfast. They are either full of bread or spice, or are as red as beef.
　　Still anxious about the 20 pounds I invested last week by Lupin's advice.
　　However, Cummings has done the same.
　　February 9. -Exactly a fortnight has passed, and I have neither seennor heard from Gowing respecting his extraordinary conduct in asking usround to his house, and then being out. In the evening Carrie wasengaged marking a half-dozen new collars I had purchased. I'll backCarrie's marking against anybody's. While I was drying them at the fire,and Carrie was rebuking me for scorching them, Cummings came in.
　　He seemed quite well again, and chaffed us about marking the collars.
　　I asked him if he had heard from Gowing, and he replied that he had not.
　　I said I should not have believed that Gowing could have acted in such anungentlemanly manner. Cummings said: "You are mild in yourdescription of him; I think he has acted like a cad."The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened, andGowing, putting in his head, said: "May I come in?" I said:
　　"Certainly." Carrie said very pointedly: "Well, you ARE a stranger."Gowing said: "Yes, I've been on and off to Croydon during the lastfortnight." I could see Cummings was boiling over, and eventually hetackled Gowing very strongly respecting his conduct last Saturday week.
　　Gowing appeared surprised, and said: "Why, I posted a letter to you in themorning announcing that the party was 'off, very much off.'" I said: "Inever got it." Gowing, turning to Carrie, said: "I suppose letterssometimes MISCARRY, don't they, MRS. Carrie?" Cummings sharplysaid: "This is not a time for joking. I had no notice of the party beingput off." Gowing replied: "I told Pooter in my note to tell you, as I wasin a hurry. However, I'll inquire at the post-office, and we must meet again at my place." I added that I hoped he would be present at the nextmeeting. Carrie roared at this, and even Cummings could not helplaughing.
　　February 10, Sunday. - Contrary to my wishes, Carrie allowed Lupinto persuade her to take her for a drive in the afternoon in his trap. I quitedisapprove of driving on a Sunday, but I did not like to trust Carrie alonewith Lupin, so I offered to go too. Lupin said: "Now, that is nice of you,Guv., but you won't mind sitting on the back-seat of the cart?"Lupin proceeded to put on a bright-blue coat that seemed miles toolarge for him. Carrie said it wanted taking in considerably at the back.
　　Lupin said: "Haven't you seen a box-coat before? You can't drive inanything else."He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never drive withhim again. His conduct was shocking. When we passed HighgateArchway, he tried to pass everything and everybody. He shouted torespectable people who were walking quietly in the road to get out of theway; he flicked at the horse of an old man who was riding, causing it torear; and, as I had to ride backwards, I was compelled to face a gang ofroughs in a donkey-cart, whom Lupin had chaffed, and who turned andfollowed us for nearly a mile, bellowing, indulging in coarse jokes andlaughter, to say nothing of occasionally pelting us with orange-peel.
　　Lupin's excuse - that the Prince of Wales would have to put up with thesame sort of thing if he drove to the Derby - was of little consolation toeither Carrie or myself. Frank Mutlar called in the evening, and Lupinwent out with him.
　　February 11. - Feeling a little concerned about Lupin, I mustered upcourage to speak to Mr. Perkupp about him. Mr. Perkupp has alwaysbeen most kind to me, so I told him everything, including yesterday'sadventure. Mr. Perkupp kindly replied: "There is no necessity for youto be anxious, Mr. Pooter. It would be impossible for a son of such goodparents to turn out erroneously. Remember he is young, and will soon getolder. I wish we could find room for him in this firm." The advice ofthis good man takes loads off my mind. In the evening Lupin came in.
　　After our little supper, he said: "My dear parents, I have some news, which I fear will affect you considerably." I felt a qualm come over me,and said nothing. Lupin then said: "It may distress you - in fact, I'msure it will - but this afternoon I have given up my pony and trap for ever."It may seem absurd, but I was so pleased, I immediately opened a bottle ofport. Gowing dropped in just in time, bringing with him a large sheet,with a print of a tailless donkey, which he fastened against the wall. Hethen produced several separate tails, and we spent the remainder of theevening trying blindfolded to pin a tail on in the proper place. My sidespositively ached with laughter when I went to bed.
　　February 12. - In the evening I spoke to Lupin about his engagementwith Daisy Mutlar. I asked if he had heard from her. He replied: "No;she promised that old windbag of a father of hers that she would notcommunicate with me. I see Frank Mutlar, of course; in fact, he said hemight call again this evening." Frank called, but said he could not stop,as he had a friend waiting outside for him, named Murray Posh, adding hewas quite a swell. Carrie asked Frank to bring him in.
　　He was brought in, Gowing entering at the same time. Mr. MurrayPosh was a tall, fat young man, and was evidently of a very nervousdisposition, as he subsequently confessed he would never go in a hansomcab, nor would he enter a four-wheeler until the driver had first got on thebox with his reins in his hands.
　　On being introduced, Gowing, with his usual want of tact, said: "Anyrelation to 'Posh's three-shilling hats'?" Mr. Posh replied: "Yes; butplease understand I don't try on hats myself. I take no ACTIVE part inthe business." I replied: "I wish I had a business like it." Mr. Poshseemed pleased, and gave a long but most interesting history of theextraordinary difficulties in the manufacture of cheap hats.
　　Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Mutlar very intimately from theway he was talking of her; and Frank said to Lupin once, laughingly: "Ifyou don't look out, Posh will cut you out!" When they had all gone, Ireferred to this flippant conversation; and Lupin said, sarcastically: "Aman who is jealous has no respect for himself. A man who would bejealous of an elephant like Murray Posh could only have a contempt forhimself. I know Daisy. She WOULD wait ten years for me, as I said before; in fact, if necessary, SHE WOULD WAIT TWENTY YEARS FORME."
Chapter 16
　　We lose money over Lupin's advice as to investment, so doesCummings. Murray Posh engaged to Daisy Mutlar.
　　February 18. - Carrie has several times recently called attention to thethinness of my hair at the top of my head, and recommended me to get itseen to. I was this morning trying to look at it by the aid of a small hand-glass, when somehow my elbow caught against the edge of the chest ofdrawers and knocked the glass out of my hand and smashed it. Carriewas in an awful way about it, as she is rather absurdly superstitious. Tomake matters worse, my large photograph in the drawing-room fell duringthe night, and the glass cracked.
　　Carrie said: "Mark my words, Charles, some misfortune is about tohappen."I said: "Nonsense, dear."In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed a little agitated.
　　I said: "What's up, my boy?" He hesitated a good deal, and then said:
　　"You know those Parachikka Chlorates I advised you to invest 20 poundsin? I replied: "Yes, they are all right, I trust?" He replied: "Well, no!
　　To the surprise of everybody, they have utterly collapsed."My breath was so completely taken away, I could say nothing. Carrielooked at me, and said: "What did I tell you?" Lupin, after a while,said: "However, you are specially fortunate. I received an early tip, andsold out yours immediately, and was fortunate to get 2 pounds for them.
　　So you get something after all."I gave a sigh of relief. I said: "I was not so sanguine as to suppose,as you predicted, that I should get six or eight times the amount of myinvestment; still a profit of 2 pounds is a good percentage for such a shorttime." Lupin said, quite irritably: "You don't understand. I sold your 20pounds shares for 2 pounds; you therefore lose 18 pounds on thetransaction, whereby Cummings and Gowing will lose the whole oftheirs." February 19. -Lupin, before going to town, said: "I am very sorryabout those Parachikka Chlorates; it would not have happened if the boss,Job Cleanands, had been in town. Between ourselves, you must not besurprised if something goes wrong at our office. Job Cleanands has notbeen seen the last few days, and it strikes me several people DO want tosee him very particularly."In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going out to avoid acollision with Gowing and Cummings, when the former entered the room,without knocking, but with his usual trick of saying, "May I come in?"He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to be inthe very best of spirits. Neither Lupin nor I broached the subject to him,but he did so of his own accord. He said: "I say, those ParachikkaChlorates have gone an awful smash! You're a nice one, Master Lupin.
　　How much do you lose?" Lupin, to my utter astonishment, said: "Oh!
　　I had nothing in them. There was some informality in my application - Iforgot to enclose the cheque or something, and I didn't get any. The Guv.
　　loses 18 pounds." I said: "I quite understood you were in it, or nothingwould have induced me to speculate." Lupin replied: "Well, it can't behelped; you must go double on the next tip." Before I could reply,Gowing said: "Well, I lose nothing, fortunately. From what I heard, Idid not quite believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to take my 15pounds worth, as he had more faith in them than I had."Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner, said:
　　"Alas, poor Cummings. He'll lose 35 pounds." At that moment therewas a ring at the bell. Lupin said: "I don't want to meet Cummings."If he had gone out of the door he would have met him in the passage, so asquickly as possible Lupin opened the parlour window and got out.
　　Gowing jumped up suddenly, exclaiming: "I don't want to see himeither!" and, before I could say a word, he followed Lupin out of thewindow.
　　For my own part, I was horrified to think my own son and one of mymost intimate friends should depart from the house like a couple ofinterrupted burglars. Poor Cummings was very upset, and of course wasnaturally very angry both with Lupin and Gowing. I pressed him to have a little whisky, and he replied that he had given up whisky; but would likea little "Unsweetened," as he was advised it was the most healthy spirit.
　　had none in the house, but sent Sarah round to Lockwood's for some.
　　February 20. -The first thing that caught my eye on opening theSTANDARD was - "Great Failure of Stock and Share Dealers! Mr. JobCleanands absconded!" I handed it to Carrie, and she replied: "Oh!
　　perhaps it's for Lupin's good. I never did think it a suitable situation forhim." I thought the whole affair very shocking.
　　Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfullydistressed, I said: "We know the news, my dear boy, and feel very sorryfor you." Lupin said: "How did you know? who told you?" I handedhim the STANDARD. He threw the paper down, and said: "Oh I don'tcare a button for that! I expected that, but I did not expect this." Hethen read a letter from Frank Mutlar, announcing, in a cool manner, thatDaisy Mutlar is to be married next month to Murray Posh. I exclaimed,"Murray Posh! Is not that the very man Frank had the impudence tobring here last Tuesday week?" Lupin said: "Yes; the 'POSH'STHREE-SHILLING-HATS' chap."We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence.
　　In fact, I could eat nothing. I was not only too worried, but I cannotand will not eat cushion of bacon. If I cannot get streaky bacon, I will dowithout anything.
　　When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep over his face.
　　I asked him what it meant. He replied: "Oh! only a little consolationstill it is a consolation. I have just remembered that, by MY advice, Mr.
　　Murray Posh has invested 600 pounds in Parachikka Chlorates!"
Chapter 17
　　Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray Posh. The dream of my liferealised. Mr. Perkupp takes Lupin into the office.
　　March 20. -To-day being the day on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr.
　　Murray Posh are to be married, Lupin has gone with a friend to spend theday at Gravesend. Lupin has been much cut-up over the affair, althoughhe declares that he is glad it is off. I wish he would not go to so manymusic-halls, but one dare not say anything to him about it. At the presentmoment he irritates me by singing all over the house some nonsense about"What's the matter with Gladstone? He's all right! What's the matterwith Lupin? He's all right!" I don't think either of them is. In theevening Gowing called, and the chief topic of conversation was Daisy'smarriage to Murray Posh. I said: "I was glad the matter was at an end,as Daisy would only have made a fool of Lupin." Gowing, with his usualgood taste, said: "Oh, Master Lupin can make a fool of himself withoutany assistance." Carrie very properly resented this, and Gowing hadsufficient sense to say he was sorry.
　　March 21. - To-day I shall conclude my diary, for it is one of thehappiest days of my life. My great dream of the last few weeks - in fact,of many years - has been realised. This morning came a letter from Mr.
　　Perkupp, asking me to take Lupin down to the office with me. I went toLupin's room; poor fellow, he seemed very pale, and said he had a badheadache. He had come back yesterday from Gravesend, where he spentpart of the day in a small boat on the water, having been mad enough toneglect to take his overcoat with him. I showed him Mr. Perkupp's letter,and he got up as quickly as possible. I begged of him not to put on hisfast-coloured clothes and ties, but to dress in something black or quiet-looking.
　　Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, and all she couldkeep on saying was: "Oh, I DO hope it will be all right." For myself, Icould scarcely eat any breakfast. Lupin came down dressed quietly, and looking a perfect gentleman, except that his face was rather yellow.
　　Carrie, by way of encouragement said: "You do look nice, Lupin." Lupinreplied: "Yes, it's a good make- up, isn't it? A regular-downrightrespectable-funereal-first- class-City-firm-junior-clerk." He laughedrather ironically.
　　In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin shouting to Sarah tofetch down his old hat. I went into the passage, and found Lupin in afury, kicking and smashing a new tall hat. I said: "Lupin, my boy, whatare you doing? How wicked of you! Some poor fellow would be gladto have it." Lupin replied: "I would not insult any poor fellow bygiving it to him."When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered hat, and saw inside"Posh's Patent." Poor Lupin! I can forgive him. It seemed hoursbefore we reached the office. Mr. Perkupp sent for Lupin, who was withhim nearly an hour. He returned, as I thought, crestfallen in appearance.
　　I said: "Well, Lupin, how about Mr. Perkupp?" Lupin commenced hissong: "What's the matter with Perkupp? He's all right!" I feltinstinctively my boy was engaged. I went to Mr. Perkupp, but I couldnot speak. He said: "Well, Mr. Pooter, what is it?" I must have looked afool, for all I could say was: "Mr. Perkupp, you are a good man." Helooked at me for a moment, and said: "No, Mr. Pooter, YOU are thegood man; and we'll see if we cannot get your son to follow such anexcellent example." I said: "Mr. Perkupp, may I go home? I cannotwork any more to-day."My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded his head. Itwas as much as I could do to prevent myself from crying in the 'bus; infact, I should have done so, had my thoughts not been interrupted byLupin, who was having a quarrel with a fat man in the 'bus, whom heaccused of taking up too much room.
　　In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummings and hiswife, and also to Gowing. We all sat round the fire, and in a bottle of"Jackson Freres," which Sarah fetched from the grocer's, drank Lupin'shealth. I lay awake for hours, thinking of the future. My boy in thesame office as myself - we can go down together by the 'bus, come home together, and who knows but in the course of time he may take greatinterest in our little home. That he may help me to put a nail in here or anail in there, or help his dear mother to hang a picture. In the summer hemay help us in our little garden with the flowers, and assist us to paint thestands and pots. (By-the-by, I must get in some more enamel paint.)All this I thought over and over again, and a thousand happy thoughtsbeside. I heard the clock strike four, and soon after fell asleep, only todream of three happy people - Lupin, dear Carrie, and myself.
Chapter 18
　　Trouble with a stylographic pen. We go to a Volunteer Ball, where Iam let in for an expensive supper. Grossly insulted by a cabman. An oddinvitation to Southend.
　　April 8. - No events of any importance, except that Gowing stronglyrecommended a new patent stylographic pen, which cost me nine-andsixpence, and which was simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the mud. Ithas caused me constant annoyance and irritability of temper. The inkoozes out of the top, making a mess on my hands, and once at the officewhen I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk to jerk the inkdown, Mr. Perkupp, who had just entered, called out: "Stop thatknocking! I suppose that is you, Mr. Pitt?" That young monkey, Pitt,took a malicious glee in responding quite loudly: "No, sir; I beg pardon,it is Mr. Pooter with his pen; it has been going on all the morning." Tomake matters worse, I saw Lupin laughing behind his desk. I thought itwiser to say nothing. I took the pen back to the shop and asked them ifthey would take it back, as it did not act. I did not expect the full pricereturned, but was willing to take half. The man said he could not do that-buying and selling were two different things. Lupin's conduct duringthe period he has been in Mr. Perkupp's office has been most exemplary.
　　My only fear is, it is too good to last.
　　April 9. - Gowing called, bringing with him an invitation for Carrieand myself to a ball given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which hethought would be a swell affair, as the member for East Acton (Sir WilliamGrime) had promised his patronage. We accepted of his kindness, and hestayed to supper, an occasion I thought suitable for trying a bottle of thesparkling Algera that Mr. James (of Sutton) had sent as a present.
　　Gowing sipped the wine, observing that he had never tasted it before, andfurther remarked that his policy was to stick to more recognised brands.
　　I told him it was a present from a dear friend, and one mustn't look a gift-horse in the mouth. Gowing facetiously replied: "And he didn't like putting it in the mouth either."I thought the remarks were rude without being funny, but on tasting itmyself, came to the conclusion there was some justification for them.
　　The sparkling Algera is very like cider, only more sour. I suggested thatperhaps the thunder had turned it a bit acid. He merely replied: "Oh! Idon't think so." We had a very pleasant game of cards, though I lost fourshillings and Carrie lost one, and Gowing said he had lost about sixpence:
　　how he could have lost, considering that Carrie and I were the only otherplayers, remains a mystery. April 14, Sunday. - Owing, I presume, to theunsettled weather, I awoke with a feeling that my skin was drawn over myface as tight as a drum. Walking round the garden with Mr. and Mrs.
　　Treane, members of our congregation who had walked back with us, I wasmuch annoyed to find a large newspaper full of bones on the gravel-path,evidently thrown over by those young Griffin boys next door; who,whenever we have friends, climb up the empty steps inside theirconservatory, tap at the windows, making faces, whistling, and imitatingbirds.
　　April 15. -Burnt my tongue most awfully with the Worcester sauce,through that stupid girl Sarah shaking the bottle violently before putting iton the table.
　　April 16. - The night of the East Acton Volunteer Ball. On my advice,Carrie put on the same dress that she looked so beautiful in at the MansionHouse, for it had occurred to me, being a military ball, that Mr. Perkupp,who, I believe, is an officer in the Honorary Artillery Company, would inall probability be present. Lupin, in his usual incomprehensible language,remarked that he had heard it was a "bounders' ball." I didn't ask himwhat he meant though I didn't understand. Where he gets theseexpressions from I don't know; he certainly doesn't learn them at home.
　　The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if we arrived anhour later we should be in good time, without being "unfashionable," asMrs. James says. It was very difficult to find - the cabman having to getdown several times to inquire at different public-houses where the DrillHall was. I wonder at people living in such out-of-the-way places. Noone seemed to know it. However, after going up and down a good many badly-lighted streets we arrived at our destination. I had no idea it wasso far from Holloway. I gave the cabman five shillings, who onlygrumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at half-a-sovereign, and wasimpertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to a ball to take a'bus.
　　Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather late, but that it wasbetter late than never. He seemed a very good-looking gentleman though,as Carrie remarked, "rather short for an officer." He begged to beexcused for leaving us, as he was engaged for a dance, and hoped weshould make ourselves at home. Carrie took my arm and we walked roundthe rooms two or three times and watched the people dancing. I couldn'tfind a single person I knew, but attributed it to most of them being inuniform. As we were entering the supper-room I received a slap on theshoulder, followed by a welcome shake of the hand. I said: "Mr. Padge,I believe;" he replied, "That's right."I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady who made herself athome with Carrie at once.
　　There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty of champagne,claret, etc., and, in fact, everything seemed to be done regardless ofexpense. Mr. Padge is a man that, I admit, I have no particular liking for,but I felt so glad to come across someone I knew, that I asked him to sit atour table, and I must say that for a short fat man he looked well in uniform,although I think his tunic was rather baggy in the back. It was the onlysupper-room that I have been in that was not over-crowded; in fact wewere the only people there, everybody being so busy dancing.
　　I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, who said hername was Lupkin, to some champagne; also myself, and handed the bottleto Mr. Padge to do likewise, saying: "You must look after yourself."He replied: "That's right," and poured out half a tumbler and drankCarrie's health, coupled, as he said, "with her worthy lord and master."We all had some splendid pigeon pie, and ices to follow.
　　The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we would like somemore wine. I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr. Padge, also somepeople who had just come from the dancing-room, who were very civil.
　 It occurred to me at the time that perhaps some of the gentlemen knew mein the City, as they were so polite. I made myself useful, and assistedseveral ladies to ices, remembering an old saying that "There is nothinglost by civility."The band struck up for the dance, and they all went into the ball- room.
　　The ladies (Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin) were anxious to see the dancing, andas I had not quite finished my supper, Mr. Padge offered his arms to themand escorted them to the ball-room, telling me to follow. I said to Mr.
　　Padge: "It is quite a West End affair," to which remark Mr. Padge replied:
　　"That's right."When I had quite finished my supper, and was leaving, the waiter whohad been attending on us arrested my attention by tapping me on theshoulder. I thought it unusual for a waiter at a private ball to expect a tip,but nevertheless gave a shilling, as he had been very attentive. Hesmilingly replied: "I beg your pardon, sir, this is no good," alluding tothe shilling. "Your party's had four suppers at 5s. a head, five ices at 1s.,three bottles of champagne at 11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and a sixpennycigar for the stout gentleman - in all 3 pounds 0s. 6d.!"I don't think I was ever so surprised in my life, and had only sufficientbreath to inform him that I had received a private invitation, to which heanswered that he was perfectly well aware of that; but that the invitationdidn't include eatables and drinkables. A gentleman who was standing atthe bar corroborated the waiter's statement, and assured me it was quitecorrect.
　　The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had been under anymisapprehension; but it was not his fault. Of course there was nothing tobe done but to pay. So, after turning out my pockets, I just managed toscrape up sufficient, all but nine shillings; but the manager, on my givingmy card to him, said: "That's all right."I don't think I ever felt more humiliated in my life, and I determined tokeep this misfortune from Carrie, for it would entirely destroy thepleasant evening she was enjoying. I felt there was no more enjoymentfor me that evening, and it being late, I sought Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin.
　　Carrie said she was quite ready to go, and Mrs. Lupkin, as we were wishing her "Good-night," asked Carrie and myself if we ever paid a visitto Southend? On my replying that I hadn't been there for many years,she very kindly said: "Well, why don't you come down and stay at ourplace?" As her invitation was so pressing, and observing that Carriewished to go, we promised we would visit her the next Saturday week, andstay till Monday. Mrs. Lupkin said she would write to us to-morrow,giving us the address and particulars of trains, etc.
　　When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining so hard that theroads resembled canals, and I need hardly say we had great difficulty ingetting a cabman to take us to Holloway. After waiting a bit, a man saidhe would drive us, anyhow, as far as "The Angel," at Islington, and wecould easily get another cab from there. It was a tedious journey; the rainwas beating against the windows and trickling down the inside of the cab.
　　When we arrived at "The Angel" the horse seemed tired out. Carriegot out and ran into a doorway, and when I came to pay, to my absolutehorror I remembered I had no money, nor had Carrie. I explained to thecabman how we were situated. Never in my life have I ever been soinsulted; the cabman, who was a rough bully and to my thinking not sober,called me every name he could lay his tongue to, and positively seized meby the beard, which he pulled till the tears came into my eyes. I took thenumber of a policeman (who witnessed the assault) for not taking the manin charge. The policeman said he couldn't interfere, that he had seen noassault, and that people should not ride in cabs without money.
　　We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly two miles, and when Igot in I put down the conversation I had with the cabman, word for word,as I intend writing to the TELEGRAPH for the purpose of proposing thatcabs should be driven only by men under Government control, to preventcivilians being subjected to the disgraceful insult and outrage that I hadhad to endure.
　　April 17. - No water in our cistern again. Sent for Putley, who saidhe would soon remedy that, the cistern being zinc.
　　April 18. - Water all right again in the cistern. Mrs. James, of Sutton,called in the afternoon. She and Carrie draped the mantelpiece in thedrawing-room, and put little toy spiders, frogs and beetles all over it, as Mrs. James says it's quite the fashion. It was Mrs. James' suggestion, andof course Carrie always does what Mrs. James suggests. For my part, Ipreferred the mantelpiece as it was; but there, I'm a plain man, and don'tpretend to be in the fashion.
　　April 19. - Our next-door neighbour, Mr. Griffin, called, and in a ratheroffensive tone accused me, or "someone," of boring a hole in his cisternand letting out his water to supply our cistern, which adjoined his. Hesaid he should have his repaired, and send us in the bill.
　　April 20. - Cummings called, hobbling in with a stick, saying he hadbeen on his back for a week. It appears he was trying to shut hisbedroom door, which is situated just at the top of the staircase, andunknown to him a piece of cork the dog had been playing with had gotbetween the door, and prevented it shutting; and in pulling the door hard,to give it an extra slam, the handle came off in his hands, and he fellbackwards downstairs.
　　On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch and rushedout of the room sideways. Cummings looked very indignant, andremarked it was very poor fun a man nearly breaking his back; and thoughI had my suspicions that Lupin was laughing, I assured Cummings that hehad only run out to open the door to a friend he expected. Cummingssaid this was the second time he had been laid up, and we had never sentto inquire. I said I knew nothing about it. Cummings said: "It wasmentioned in the BICYCLE NEWS."April 22. - I have of late frequently noticed Carrie rubbing her nails agood deal with an instrument, and on asking her what she was doing, shereplied: "Oh, I'm going in for manicuring. It's all the fashion now." Isaid: "I suppose Mrs. James introduced that into your head." Carrielaughingly replied: "Yes; but everyone does it now."I wish Mrs. James wouldn't come to the house. Whenever she doesshe always introduces some new-fandangled rubbish into Carrie's head.
　　One of these days I feel sure I shall tell her she's not welcome. I am sureit was Mrs. James who put Carrie up to writing on dark slate-colouredpaper with white ink. Nonsense!
　　April 23. - Received a letter from Mrs. Lupkin, of Southend, telling us the train to come by on Saturday, and hoping we will keep our promise tostay with her. The letter concluded: "You must come and stay at ourhouse; we shall charge you half what you will have to pay at the Royal,and the view is every bit as good." Looking at the address at the top of thenote-paper, I found it was "Lupkin's Family and Commercial Hotel."I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to "decline her kindinvitation." Carrie thought this very satirical, and to the point. By-theby, I will never choose another cloth pattern at night. I ordered a newsuit of dittos for the garden at Edwards', and chose the pattern by gaslight,and they seemed to be a quiet pepper-and- salt mixture with white stripesdown. They came home this morning, and, to my horror, I found it wasquite a flash-looking suit. There was a lot of green with bright yellowcoloured stripes.
　　I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carrie giggling. She said:
　　"What mixture did you say you asked for?"I said: "A quiet pepper and salt."Carrie said: "Well, it looks more like mustard, if you want to knowthe truth."
Chapter 19
　　Meet Teddy Finsworth, an old schoolfellow. We have a pleasant andquiet dinner at his uncle's, marred only by a few awkward mistakes on mypart respecting Mr. Finsworth's pictures. A discussion on dreams.
　　April 27. - Kept a little later than usual at the office, and as I washurrying along a man stopped me, saying: "Hulloh! That's a face Iknow." I replied politely: "Very likely; lots of people know me,although I may not know them." He replied: "But you know meTeddy Finsworth." So it was. He was at the same school with me. Ihad not seen him for years and years. No wonder I did not know him!
　　At school he was at least a head taller than I was; now I am at least a headtaller than he is, and he has a thick beard, almost grey. He insisted on myhaving a glass of wine (a thing I never do), and told me he lived atMiddlesboro', where he was Deputy Town Clerk, a position which was ashigh as the Town Clerk of London - in fact, higher. He added that he wasstaying for a few days in London, with his uncle, Mr. Edgar PaulFinsworth (of Finsworth and Pultwell). He said he was sure his unclewould be only too pleased to see me, and he had a nice house, WatneyLodge, only a few minutes' walk from Muswell Hill Station. I gave himour address, and we parted.
　　In the evening, to my surprise, he called with a very nice letter fromMr. Finsworth, saying if we (including Carrie) would dine with them tomorrow (Sunday), at two o'clock, he would be delighted. Carrie did notlike to go; but Teddy Finsworth pressed us so much we consented.
　　Carrie sent Sarah round to the butcher's and countermanded our half-leg ofmutton, which we had ordered for to- morrow.
　　April 28, Sunday. - We found Watney Lodge farther off than weanticipated, and only arrived as the clock struck two, both feeling hot anduncomfortable. To make matters worse, a large collie dog pouncedforward to receive us. He barked loudly and jumped up at Carrie,covering her light skirt, which she was wearing for the first time, with mud. Teddy Finsworth came out and drove the dog off and apologised.
　　We were shown into the drawing-room, which was beautifully decorated.
　　It was full of knick-knacks, and some plates hung up on the wall. Therewere several little wooden milk- stools with paintings on them; also awhite wooden banjo, painted by one of Mr. Paul Finsworth's nieces - acousin of Teddy's.
　　Mr. Paul Finsworth seemed quite a distinguished-looking elderlygentleman, and was most gallant to Carrie. There were a great manywater-colours hanging on the walls, mostly different views of India, whichwere very bright. Mr. Finsworth said they were painted by "Simpz," andadded that he was no judge of pictures himself but had been informed ongood authority that they were worth some hundreds of pounds, althoughhe had only paid a few shillings apiece for them, frames included, at a salein the neighbourhood.
　　There was also a large picture in a very handsome frame, done incoloured crayons. It looked like a religious subject. I was very muchstruck with the lace collar, it looked so real, but I unfortunately made theremark that there was something about the expression of the face that wasnot quite pleasing. It looked pinched. Mr. Finsworth sorrowfullyreplied: "Yes, the face was done after death - my wife's sister."I felt terribly awkward and bowed apologetically, and in a whisper saidI hoped I had not hurt his feelings. We both stood looking at the picturefor a few minutes in silence, when Mr. Finsworth took out a handkerchiefand said: "She was sitting in our garden last summer," and blew his noseviolently. He seemed quite affected, so I turned to look at something elseand stood in front of a portrait of a jolly-looking middle-aged gentleman,with a red face and straw hat. I said to Mr. Finsworth: "Who is thisjovial-looking gentleman? Life doesn't seem to trouble him much." Mr.
　　Finsworth said: "No, it doesn't. HE IS DEAD TOO - my brother."I was absolutely horrified at my own awkwardness. Fortunately atthis moment Carrie entered with Mrs. Finsworth, who had taken herupstairs to take off her bonnet and brush her skirt. Teddy said: "Short islate," but at that moment the gentleman referred to arrived, and I wasintroduced to him by Teddy, who said: "Do you know Mr. Short?" replied, smiling, that I had not that pleasure, but I hoped it would not belong before I knew Mr. SHORT. He evidently did not see my little joke,although I repeated it twice with a little laugh. I suddenly remembered itwas Sunday, and Mr. Short was perhaps VERY PARTICULAR. In this Iwas mistaken, for he was not at all particular in several of his remarksafter dinner. In fact I was so ashamed of one of his observations that I tookthe opportunity to say to Mrs. Finsworth that I feared she found Mr. Shortoccasionally a little embarrassing. To my surprise she said: "Oh! he isprivileged you know." I did not know as a matter of fact, and so I bowedapologetically. I fail to see why Mr. Short should be privileged.
　　Another thing that annoyed me at dinner was that the collie dog, whichjumped up at Carrie, was allowed to remain under the dining- room table.
　　It kept growling and snapping at my boots every time I moved my foot.
　　Feeling nervous rather, I spoke to Mrs. Finsworth about the animal, andshe remarked: "It is only his play." She jumped up and let in afrightfully ugly-looking spaniel called Bibbs, which had been scratching atthe door. This dog also seemed to take a fancy to my boots, and Idiscovered afterwards that it had licked off every bit of blacking fromthem. I was positively ashamed of being seen in them. Mrs. Finsworth,who, I must say, is not much of a Job's comforter, said: "Oh! we are usedto Bibbs doing that to our visitors."Mr. Finsworth had up some fine port, although I question whether it isa good thing to take on the top of beer. It made me feel a little sleepy,while it had the effect of inducing Mr. Short to become "privileged" torather an alarming extent. It being cold even for April, there was a fire inthe drawing-room; we sat round in easy-chairs, and Teddy and I waxedrather eloquent over the old school days, which had the effect of sendingall the others to sleep. I was delighted, as far as Mr. Short was concerned,that it did have that effect on him.
　　We stayed till four, and the walk home was remarkable only for thefact that several fools giggled at the unpolished state of my boots.
　　Polished them myself when I got home. Went to church in the evening,and could scarcely keep awake. I will not take port on the top of beeragain.
　　 April 29. - I am getting quite accustomed to being snubbed by Lupin,and I do not mind being sat upon by Carrie, because I think she has acertain amount of right to do so; but I do think it hard to be at oncesnubbed by wife, son, and both my guests.
　　Gowing and Cummings had dropped in during the evening, and Isuddenly remembered an extraordinary dream I had a few nights ago, andI thought I would tell them about it. I dreamt I saw some huge blocks ofice in a shop with a bright glare behind them. I walked into the shop andthe heat was overpowering. I found that the blocks of ice were on fire.
　　The whole thing was so real and yet so supernatural I woke up in a coldperspiration. Lupin in a most contemptuous manner, said: "What utterrot."Before I could reply, Gowing said there was nothing so completelyuninteresting as other people's dreams.
　　I appealed to Cummings, but he said he was bound to agree with theothers and my dream was especially nonsensical. I said: "It seemed soreal to me." Gowing replied: "Yes, to YOU perhaps, but not to US."Whereupon they all roared.
　　Carrie, who had hitherto been quiet, said: "He tells me his stupiddreams every morning nearly." I replied: "Very well, dear, I promiseyou I will never tell you or anybody else another dream of mine thelongest day I live." Lupin said: "Hear! hear!" and helped himself toanother glass of beer. The subject was fortunately changed, andCummings read a most interesting article on the superiority of the bicycleto the horse.
Chapter 20
　　Dinner at Franching's to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle.
　　May 10. - Received a letter from Mr. Franching, of Peckham, askingus to dine with him to-night, at seven o'clock, to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle,a very clever writer for the American papers. Franching apologised forthe short notice; but said he had at the last moment been disappointed oftwo of his guests and regarded us as old friends who would not mindfilling up the gap. Carrie rather demurred at the invitation; but Iexplained to her that Franching was very well off and influential, and wecould not afford to offend him. "And we are sure to get a good dinnerand a good glass of champagne." "Which never agrees with you!" Carriereplied, sharply. I regarded Carrie's observation as unsaid. Mr.
　　Franching asked us to wire a reply. As he had said nothing about dress inthe letter, I wired back: "With pleasure. Is it full dress?" and by leavingout our name, just got the message within the sixpence.
　　Got back early to give time to dress, which we received a telegraminstructing us to do. I wanted Carrie to meet me at Franching's house;but she would not do so, so I had to go home to fetch her. What a longjourney it is from Holloway to Peckham! Why do people live such along way off? Having to change 'buses, I allowed plenty of time - in fact,too much; for we arrived at twenty minutes to seven, and Franching, so theservant said, had only just gone up to dress. However, he was down asthe clock struck seven; he must have dressed very quickly.
　　I must say it was quite a distinguished party, and although we did notknow anybody personally, they all seemed to be quite swells. Franchinghad got a professional waiter, and evidently spared no expense. Therewere flowers on the table round some fairy-lamps and the effect, I mustsay, was exquisite. The wine was good and there was plenty ofchampagne, concerning which Franching said he himself, never wished totaste better. We were ten in number, and a MENU card to each. Onelady said she always preserved the MENU and got the guests to write their names on the back.
　　We all of us followed her example, except Mr. Huttle, who was ofcourse the important guest.
　　The dinner-party consisted of Mr. Franching, Mr. Hardfur Huttle, Mr.
　　and Mrs. Samuel Hillbutter, Mrs. Field, Mr. and Mrs. Purdick, Mr. Pratt,Mr. R. Kent, and, last but not least, Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pooter.
　　Franching said he was sorry he had no lady for me to take in to dinner.
　　replied that I preferred it, which I afterwards thought was a veryuncomplimentary observation to make.
　　I sat next to Mrs. Field at dinner. She seemed a well-informed lady,but was very deaf. It did not much matter, for Mr. Hardfur Huttle did allthe talking. He is a marvellously intellectual man and says things whichfrom other people would seem quite alarming. How I wish I couldremember even a quarter of his brilliant conversation. I made a few littlereminding notes on the MENU card.
　　One observation struck me as being absolutely powerful - though notto my way of thinking of course. Mrs. Purdick happened to say "You arecertainly unorthodox, Mr. Huttle." Mr. Huttle, with a peculiar expression(I can see it now) said in a slow rich voice: "Mrs. Purdick, 'orthodox' is agrandiloquent word implying sticking-in- the-mud. If Columbus andStephenson had been orthodox, there would neither have been thediscovery of America nor the steam-engine." There was quite a silence.
　　It appeared to me that such teaching was absolutely dangerous, and yet Ifelt - in fact we must all have felt - there was no answer to the argument.
　　A little later on, Mrs. Purdick, who is Franching's sister and also acted ashostess, rose from the table, and Mr. Huttle said: "Why, ladies, do youdeprive us of your company so soon? Why not wait while we have ourcigars?"The effect was electrical. The ladies (including Carrie) were in noway inclined to be deprived of Mr. Huttle's fascinating society, andimmediately resumed their seats, amid much laughter and a little chaff.
　　Mr. Huttle said: "Well, that's a real good sign; you shall not be insultedby being called orthodox any longer." Mrs. Purdick, who seemed to be abright and rather sharp woman, said: "Mr. Huttle, we will meet you half way - that is, till you get half-way through your cigar. That, at all events,will be the happy medium."I shall never forget the effect the words, "happy medium," had uponhim. He was brilliant and most daring in his interpretation of the words.
　　He positively alarmed me. He said something like the following:
　　"Happy medium, indeed. Do you know 'happy medium' are two wordswhich mean 'miserable mediocrity'? I say, go first class or third; marry aduchess or her kitchenmaid. The happy medium means respectability,and respectability means insipidness. Does it not, Mr. Pooter?"I was so taken aback by being personally appealed to, that I could onlybow apologetically, and say I feared I was not competent to offer anopinion. Carrie was about to say something; but she was interrupted, forwhich I was rather pleased, for she is not clever at argument, and one hasto be extra clever to discuss a subject with a man like Mr. Huttle.
　　He continued, with an amazing eloquence that made his unwelcomeopinions positively convincing: "The happy medium is nothing more orless than a vulgar half-measure. A man who loves champagne and,finding a pint too little, fears to face a whole bottle and has recourse to animperial pint, will never build a Brooklyn Bridge or an Eiffel Tower. No,he is half-hearted, he is a half-measure - respectable - in fact, a happymedium, and will spend the rest of his days in a suburban villa with astucco-column portico, resembling a four-post bedstead."We all laughed.
　　"That sort of thing," continued Mr. Huttle, "belongs to a soft man, witha soft beard with a soft head, with a made tie that hooks on."This seemed rather personal and twice I caught myself looking in theglass of the cheffoniere; for I had on a tie that hooked on - and why not?
　　If these remarks were not personal they were rather careless, and so weresome of his subsequent observations, which must have made both Mr.
　　Franching and his guests rather uncomfortable. I don't think Mr. Huttlemeant to be personal, for he added; "We don't know that class here in thiscountry: but we do in America, and I've no use for them."Franching several times suggested that the wine should be passedround the table, which Mr. Huttle did not heed; but continued as if he were giving a lecture:
　　"What we want in America is your homes. We live on wheels. Yoursimple, quiet life and home, Mr. Franching, are charming. No display, nopretension! You make no difference in your dinner, I dare say, when yousit down by yourself and when you invite us. You have your own personalattendant - no hired waiter to breathe on the back of your head."I saw Franching palpably wince at this.
　　Mr. Huttle continued: "Just a small dinner with a few good things,such as you have this evening. You don't insult your guests by sendingto the grocer for champagne at six shillings a bottle."I could not help thinking of "Jackson Freres" at three-and-six!
　　"In fact," said Mr. Huttle, "a man is little less than a murderer whodoes. That is the province of the milksop, who wastes his evening athome playing dominoes with his wife. I've heard of these people. Wedon't want them at this table. Our party is well selected. We've no usefor deaf old women, who cannot follow intellectual conversation."All our eyes were turned to Mrs. Field, who fortunately, being deaf,did not hear his remarks; but continued smiling approval.
　　"We have no representative at Mr. Franching's table," said Mr. Huttle,"of the unenlightened frivolous matron, who goes to a second class danceat Bayswater and fancies she is in Society. Society does not know her; ithas no use for her."Mr. Huttle paused for a moment and the opportunity was afforded forthe ladies to rise. I asked Mr. Franching quietly to excuse me, as I didnot wish to miss the last train, which we very nearly did, by-the-by,through Carrie having mislaid the little cloth cricket- cap which she wearswhen we go out.
　　It was very late when Carrie and I got home; but on entering thesitting-room I said: "Carrie, what do you think of Mr. Hardfur Huttle?"She simply answered: "How like Lupin!" The same idea occurred tome in the train. The comparison kept me awake half the night. Mr.
　　Huttle was, of course, an older and more influential man; but he WAS likeLupin, and it made me think how dangerous Lupin would be if he wereolder and more influential. I feel proud to think Lupin DOES resemble Mr. Huttle in some ways. Lupin, like Mr. Huttle, has original andsometimes wonderful ideas; but it is those ideas that are so dangerous.
　　They make men extremely rich or extremely poor. They make or breakmen. I always feel people are happier who live a simple unsophisticatedlife. I believe I am happy because I am not ambitious. Somehow I feelthat Lupin, since he has been with Mr. Perkupp, has become content tosettle down and follow the footsteps of his father. This is a comfort.
Chapter 21
　　Lupin is discharged. We are in great trouble. Lupin gets engagedelsewhere at a handsome salary.
　　May 13. - A terrible misfortune has happened: Lupin is dischargedfrom Mr. Perkupp's office; and I scarcely know how I am writing my diary.
　　I was away from office last Sat., the first time I have been absent throughillness for twenty years. I believe I was poisoned by some lobster. Mr.
　　Perkupp was also absent, as Fate would have it; and our most valuedcustomer, Mr. Crowbillon, went to the office in a rage, and withdrew hiscustom. My boy Lupin not only had the assurance to receive him, butrecommended him the firm of Gylterson, Sons and Co. Limited. In myown humble judgment, and though I have to say it against my own son,this seems an act of treachery.
　　This morning I receive a letter from Perkupp, informing me thatLupin's services are no longer required, and an interview with me isdesired at eleven o'clock. I went down to the office with an aching heart,dreading an interview with Mr. Perkupp, with whom I have never had aword. I saw nothing of Lupin in the morning. He had not got up whenit was time for me to leave, and Carrie said I should do no good bydisturbing him. My mind wandered so at the office that I could not domy work properly.
　　As I expected, I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, and the followingconversation ensued as nearly as I can remember it.
　　Mr. Perkupp said: "Good-morning, Mr. Pooter! This is a veryserious business. I am not referring so much to the dismissal of your son,for I knew we should have to part sooner or later. I am the head of thisold, influential, and much-respected firm; and when I consider the timehas come to revolutionise the business, I will do it myself."I could see my good master was somewhat affected, and I said: "Ihope, sir, you do not imagine that I have in any way countenanced myson's unwarrantable interference?" Mr. Perkupp rose from his seat and took my hand, and said: "Mr. Pooter, I would as soon suspect myself assuspect you." I was so agitated that in the confusion, to show mygratitude I very nearly called him a "grand old man."Fortunately I checked myself in time, and said he was a "grand oldmaster." I was so unaccountable for my actions that I sat down, leavinghim standing. Of course, I at once rose, but Mr. Perkupp bade me sitdown, which I was very pleased to do. Mr. Perkupp, resuming, said:
　　"You will understand, Mr. Pooter, that the high- standing nature of ourfirm will not admit of our bending to anybody. If Mr. Crowbillonchooses to put his work into other hands - I may add, less experiencedhands - it is not for us to bend and beg back his custom." "You SHALLnot do it, sir," I said with indignation. "Exactly," replied Mr. Perkupp; "Ishall NOT do it. But I was thinking this, Mr. Pooter. Mr. Crowbillon isour most valued client, and I will even confess - for I know this will not gobeyond ourselves - that we cannot afford very well to lose him, especiallyin these times, which are not of the brightest. Now, I fancy you can be ofservice."I replied: "Mr. Perkupp, I will work day and night to serve you!"Mr. Perkupp said: "I know you will. Now, what I should like youto do is this. You yourself might write to Mr. Crowbillon - you must not,of course, lead him to suppose I know anything about your doing so - andexplain to him that your son was only taken on as a clerk - quite aninexperienced one in fact - out of the respect the firm had for you, Mr.
　　Pooter. This is, of course, a fact. I don't suggest that you should speakin too strong terms of your own son's conduct; but I may add, that had hebeen a son of mine, I should have condemned his interference with nomeasured terms. That I leave to you. I think the result will be that Mr.
　　Crowbillon will see the force of the foolish step he has taken, and our firmwill neither suffer in dignity nor in pocket."I could not help thinking what a noble gentleman Mr. Perkupp is. Hismanners and his way of speaking seem to almost thrill one with respect.
　　I said: "Would you like to see the letter before I send it?"Mr. Perkupp said: "Oh no! I had better not. I am supposed toknow nothing about it, and I have every confidence in you. You must write the letter carefully. We are not very busy; you had better take themorning to-morrow, or the whole day if you like. I shall be here myselfall day to-morrow, in fact all the week, in case Mr. Crowbillon shouldcall."I went home a little more cheerful, but I left word with Sarah that Icould not see either Gowing or Cummings, nor in fact anybody, if theycalled in the evening. Lupin came into the parlour for a moment with anew hat on, and asked my opinion of it. I said I was not in the mood tojudge of hats, and I did not think he was in a position to buy a new one.
　　Lupin replied carelessly: "I didn't buy it; it was a present."I have such terrible suspicions of Lupin now that I scarcely like to askhim questions, as I dread the answers so. He, however, saved me thetrouble.
　　He said: "I met a friend, an old friend, that I did not quite think afriend at the time; but it's all right. As he wisely said, 'all is fair in loveand war,' and there was no reason why we should not be friends still.
　　He's a jolly, good, all-round sort of fellow, and a very different stamp fromthat inflated fool of a Perkupp."I said: "Hush, Lupin! Do not pray add insult to injury."Lupin said: "What do you mean by injury? I repeat, I have done noinjury. Crowbillon is simply tired of a stagnant stick-in-the-mud firm,and made the change on his own account. I simply recommended thenew firm as a matter of biz - good old biz!"I said quietly: "I don't understand your slang, and at my time of lifehave no desire to learn it; so, Lupin, my boy, let us change the subject. Iwill, if it please you, TRY and be interested in your new hat adventure."Lupin said: "Oh! there's nothing much about it, except I have notonce seen him since his marriage, and he said he was very pleased to seeme, and hoped we should be friends. I stood a drink to cement thefriendship, and he stood me a new hat - one of his own."I said rather wearily: "But you have not told me your old friend'sname?"Lupin said, with affected carelessness: "Oh didn't I? Well, I will.
　　It was MURRAY POSH." May 14. - Lupin came down late, and seeing me at home all themorning, asked the reason of it. Carrie and I both agreed it was better tosay nothing to him about the letter I was writing, so I evaded the question.
　　Lupin went out, saying he was going to lunch with Murray Posh in theCity. I said I hoped Mr. Posh would provide him with a berth. Lupinwent out laughing, saying: "I don't mind WEARING Posh's one- pricedhats, but I am not going to SELL them." Poor boy, I fear he is perfectlyhopeless.
　　It took me nearly the whole day to write to Mr. Crowbillon. Once ortwice I asked Carrie for suggestions; and although it seems ungrateful, hersuggestions were none of them to the point, while one or two wereabsolutely idiotic. Of course I did not tell her so. I got the letter off,and took it down to the office for Mr. Perkupp to see, but he againrepeated that he could trust me.
　　Gowing called in the evening, and I was obliged to tell him aboutLupin and Mr. Perkupp; and, to my surprise, he was quite inclined to sidewith Lupin. Carrie joined in, and said she thought I was taking much toomelancholy a view of it. Gowing produced a pint sample-bottle ofMadeira, which had been given him, which he said would get rid of theblues. I dare say it would have done so if there had been more of it; butas Gowing helped himself to three glasses, it did not leave much for Carrieand me to get rid of the blues with.
　　May 15. - A day of great anxiety, for I expected every moment a letterfrom Mr. Crowbillon. Two letters came in the evening - one for me, with"Crowbillon Hall" printed in large gold-and-red letters on the back of theenvelope; the other for Lupin, which I felt inclined to open and read, as ithad "Gylterson, Sons, and Co. Limited," which was the recommendedfirm. I trembled as I opened Mr. Crowbillon's letter. I wrote himsixteen pages, closely written; he wrote me less than sixteen lines.
　　His letter was: "Sir, - I totally disagree with you. Your son, in thecourse of five minutes' conversation, displayed more intelligence thanyour firm has done during the last five years. - Yours faithfully, Gilbert E.
　　Gillam O. Crowbillon."What am I to do? Here is a letter that I dare not show to Mr. Perkupp, and would not show to Lupin for anything. The crisis had yet to come;for Lupin arrived, and, opening his letter, showed a cheque for 25 poundsas a commission for the recommendation of Mr. Crowbillon, whosecustom to Mr. Perkupp is evidently lost for ever. Cummings and Gowingboth called, and both took Lupin's part. Cummings went so far as to saythat Lupin would make a name yet. I suppose I was melancholy, for Icould only ask: "Yes, but what sort of a name?"May 16. - I told Mr. Perkupp the contents of the letter in a modifiedform, but Mr. Perkupp said: "Pray don't discuss the matter; it is at an end.
　　Your son will bring his punishment upon himself." I went home in theevening, thinking of the hopeless future of Lupin. I found him in mostextravagant spirits and in evening dress. He threw a letter on the tablefor me to read.
　　To my amazement, I read that Gylterson and Sons had absolutelyengaged Lupin at a salary of 200 pounds a year, with other advantages. Iread the letter through three times and thought it must have been for me.
　　But there it was - Lupin Pooter - plain enough. I was silent. Lupin said:
　　"What price Perkupp now? You take my tip, Guv. - 'off' with Perkuppand freeze on to Gylterson, the firm of the future! Perkupp's firm? Thestagnant dummies have been standing still for years, and now are movingback. I want to go on. In fact I must go OFF, as I am dining with theMurray Poshs to-night."In the exuberance of his spirits he hit his hat with his stick, gave a loudwar "Whoo-oop," jumped over a chair, and took the liberty of rumplingmy hair all over my forehead, and bounced out of the room, giving me nochance of reminding him of his age and the respect which was due to hisparent. Gowing and Cummings came in the evening, and positivelycheered me up with congratulations respecting Lupin.
　　Gowing said: "I always said he would get on, and, take my word, hehas more in his head than we three put together."Carrie said: "He is a second Hardfur Huttle."
Chapter 22
　　Master Percy Edgar Smith James. Mrs. James (of Sutton) visits usagain and introduces "Spiritual Seances."May 26, Sunday. - We went to Sutton after dinner to have meat-teawith Mr. and Mrs. James. I had no appetite, having dined well at two,and the entire evening was spoiled by little Percy - their only son - whoseems to me to be an utterly spoiled child.
　　Two or three times he came up to me and deliberately kicked my shins.
　　He hurt me once so much that the tears came into my eyes. I gentlyremonstrated with him, and Mrs. James said: "Please don't scold him; Ido not believe in being too severe with young children. You spoil theircharacter."Little Percy set up a deafening yell here, and when Carrie tried topacify him, he slapped her face.
　　I was so annoyed, I said: "That is not my idea of bringing upchildren, Mrs. James."Mrs. James said. "People have different ideas of bringing up children- even your son Lupin is not the standard of perfection."A Mr. Mezzini (an Italian, I fancy) here took Percy in his lap. Thechild wriggled and kicked and broke away from Mr. Mezzini, saying: "Idon't like you - you've got a dirty face."A very nice gentleman, Mr. Birks Spooner, took the child by the wristand said: "Come here, dear, and listen to this."He detached his chronometer from the chain and made his watch strikesix.
　　To our horror, the child snatched it from his hand and bounced it downupon the ground like one would a ball.
　　Mr. Birks Spooner was most amiable, and said he could easily get anew glass put in, and did not suppose the works were damaged.
　　To show you how people's opinions differ, Carrie said the child wasbad-tempered, but it made up for that defect by its looks, for it was - in her mind - an unquestionably beautiful child.
　　I may be wrong, but I do not think I have seen a much uglier childmyself. That is MY opinion.
　　May 30. -I don't know why it is, but I never anticipate with anypleasure the visits to our house of Mrs. James, of Sutton. She is comingagain to stay for a few days. I said to Carrie this morning, as I wasleaving: "I wish, dear Carrie, I could like Mrs. James better than I do."Carrie said: "So do I, dear; but as for years I have had to put up withMr. Gowing, who is vulgar, and Mr. Cummings, who is kind but mostuninteresting, I am sure, dear, you won't mind the occasional visits of Mrs.
　　James, who has more intellect in her little finger than both your friendshave in their entire bodies."I was so entirely taken back by this onslaught on my two dear oldfriends, I could say nothing, and as I heard the 'bus coming, I left with ahurried kiss - a little too hurried, perhaps, for my upper lip came in contactwith Carrie's teeth and slightly cut it. It was quite painful for an hourafterwards. When I came home in the evening I found Carrie buried in abook on Spiritualism, called THERE IS NO BIRTH, by FlorenceSingleyet. I need scarcely say the book was sent her to read by Mrs.
　　James, of Sutton. As she had not a word to say outside her book, I spentthe rest of the evening altering the stair-carpets, which are beginning toshow signs of wear at the edges.
　　Mrs. James arrived and, as usual, in the evening took the entiremanagement of everything. Finding that she and Carrie were makingsome preparations for table-turning, I thought it time really to put my footdown. I have always had the greatest contempt for such nonsense, andput an end to it years ago when Carrie, at our old house, used to haveseances every night with poor Mrs. Fussters (who is now dead). If Icould see any use in it, I would not care. As I stopped it in the days goneby, I determined to do so now.
　　I said: "I am very sorry Mrs. James, but I totally disapprove of it,apart from the fact that I receive my old friends on this evening."Mrs. James said: "Do you mean to say you haven't read THERE ISNO BIRTH?" I said: "No, and I have no intention of doing so." Mrs.
　　 James seemed surprised and said: "All the world is going mad over thebook." I responded rather cleverly: "Let it. There will be one saneman in it, at all events."Mrs. James said she thought it was very unkind, and if people were allas prejudiced as I was, there would never have been the electric telegraphor the telephone.
　　I said that was quite a different thing.
　　Mrs. James said sharply: "In what way, pray - in what way?"I said: "In many ways."Mrs. James said: "Well, mention ONE way."I replied quietly: "Pardon me, Mrs. James; I decline to discuss thematter. I am not interested in it."Sarah at this moment opened the door and showed in Cummings, forwhich I was thankful, for I felt it would put a stop to this foolish table-turning. But I was entirely mistaken; for, on the subject being openedagain, Cummings said he was most interested in Spiritualism, although hewas bound to confess he did not believe much in it; still, he was willing tobe convinced.
　　I firmly declined to take any part in it, with the result that my presencewas ignored. I left the three sitting in the parlour at a small round tablewhich they had taken out of the drawing-room. I walked into the hallwith the ultimate intention of taking a little stroll. As I opened the door,who should come in but Gowing!
　　On hearing what was going on, he proposed that we should join thecircle and he would go into a trance. He added that he KNEW a fewthings about old Cummings, and would INVENT a few about Mrs. James.
　　Knowing how dangerous Gowing is, I declined to let him take part in anysuch foolish performance. Sarah asked me if she could go out for half anhour, and I gave her permission, thinking it would be more comfortable tosit with Gowing in the kitchen than in the cold drawing-room. We talkeda good deal about Lupin and Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, with whom he isas usual spending the evening. Gowing said: "I say, it wouldn't be abad thing for Lupin if old Posh kicked the bucket."My heart gave a leap of horror, and I rebuked Gowing very sternly for joking on such a subject. I lay awake half the night thinking of it -theother hall was spent in nightmares on the same subject.
　　May 31. - I wrote a stern letter to the laundress. I was rather pleasedwith the letter, for I thought it very satirical. I said: "You have returnedthe handkerchiefs without the colour. Perhaps you will return either thecolour or the value of the handkerchiefs." I shall be rather curious toknow what she will have to say. More table-turning in the evening.
　　Carrie said last night was in a measure successful, and they ought to sitagain. Cummings came in, and seemed interested. I had the gas lightedin the drawing-room, got the steps, and repaired the cornice, which hasbeen a bit of an eyesore to me. In a fit of unthinkingness - if I may usesuch an expression, - I gave the floor over the parlour, where the seancewas taking place, two loud raps with the hammer. I felt sorry afterwards,for it was the sort of ridiculous, foolhardy thing that Gowing or Lupinwould have done.
　　However, they never even referred to it, but Carrie declared that amessage came through the table to her of a wonderful description,concerning someone whom she and I knew years ago, and who was quiteunknown to the others.
　　When we went to bed, Carrie asked me as a favour to sit to-morrownight, to oblige her. She said it seemed rather unkind and unsociable onmy part. I promised I would sit once.
　　June 1. - I sat reluctantly at the table in the evening, and I am bound toadmit some curious things happened. I contend they were coincidences,but they were curious. For instance, the table kept tilting towards me,which Carrie construed as a desire that I should ask the spirit a question.
　　I obeyed the rules, and I asked the spirit (who said her name was Lina) ifshe could tell me the name of an old aunt of whom I was thinking, andwhom we used to call Aunt Maggie. The table spelled out C A T. Wecould make nothing out of it, till I suddenly remembered that her secondname was Catherine, which it was evidently trying to spell. I don't thinkeven Carrie knew this. But if she did, she would never cheat. I mustadmit it was curious. Several other things happened, and I consented tosit at another seance on Monday.
　　 June 3. - The laundress called, and said she was very sorry about thehandkerchiefs, and returned ninepence. I said, as the colour wascompletely washed out and the handkerchiefs quite spoiled, ninepence wasnot enough. Carrie replied that the two handkerchiefs originally onlycost sixpence, for she remembered bring them at a sale at the HollowayBON MARCHE. In that case, I insisted that threepence buying shouldbe returned to the laundress. Lupin has gone to stay with the Poshs for afew days. I must say I feel very uncomfortable about it. Carrie said I wasridiculous to worry about it. Mr. Posh was very fond of Lupin, who, afterall, was only a mere boy.
　　In the evening we had another seance, which, in some respects, wasvery remarkable, although the first part of it was a little doubtful.
　　Gowing called, as well as Cummings, and begged to be allowed to join thecircle. I wanted to object, but Mrs. James, who appears a good Medium(that is, if there is anything in it at all), thought there might be a little morespirit power if Gowing joined; so the five of us sat down.
　　The moment I turned out the gas, and almost before I could get myhands on the table, it rocked violently and tilted, and began movingquickly across the room. Gowing shouted out: "Way oh! steady, lad,steady!" I told Gowing if he could not behave himself I should light thegas, and put an end to the seance.
　　To tell the truth, I thought Gowing was playing tricks, and I hinted asmuch; but Mrs. James said she had often seen the table go right off theground. The spirit Lina came again, and said, "WARN" three or fourtimes, and declined to explain. Mrs. James said "Lina" was stubbornsometimes. She often behaved like that, and the best thing to do was tosend her away.
　　She then hit the table sharply, and said: "Go away, Lina; you aredisagreeable. Go away!" I should think we sat nearly three- quarters ofan hour with nothing happening. My hands felt quite cold, and Isuggested we should stop the seance. Carrie and Mrs. James, as well asCummings, would not agree to it. In about ten minutes' time there wassome tilting towards me. I gave the alphabet, and it spelled out S P O OF. As I have heard both Gowing and Lupin use the word, and as I could hear Gowing silently laughing, I directly accused him of pushing the table.
　　He denied it; but, I regret to say, I did not believe him.
　　Gowing said: "Perhaps it means 'Spook,' a ghost." I said: "YOUknow it doesn't mean anything of the sort."Gowing said: "Oh! very well - I'm sorry I 'spook,'" and he rose fromthe table.
　　No one took any notice of the stupid joke, and Mrs. James suggestedhe should sit out for a while. Gowing consented and sat in the arm-chair.
　　The table began to move again, and we might have had a wonderfulseance but for Gowing's stupid interruptions. In answer to the alphabetfrom Carrie the table spelt "NIPUL," then the "WARN" three times. Wecould not think what it meant till Cummings pointed out that "NIPUL"was Lupin spelled backwards. This was quite exciting. Carrie wasparticularly excited, and said she hoped nothing horrible was going tohappen.
　　Mrs. James asked if "Lina" was the spirit. The table replied firmly,"No," and the spirit would not give his or her name. We then had themessage, "NIPUL will be very rich."Carrie said she felt quite relieved, but the word "WARN" was againspelt out. The table then began to oscillate violently, and in reply to Mrs.
　　James, who spoke very softly to the table, the spirit began to spell its name.
　　It first spelled "DRINK."Gowing here said: "Ah! that's more in my line."I asked him to be quiet as the name might not be completed.
　　The table then spelt "WATER."Gowing here interrupted again, and said: "Ah! that's NOT in my line.
　　OUTSIDE if you like, but not inside."Carrie appealed to him to be quiet.
　　The table then spelt "CAPTAIN," and Mrs. James startled us by cryingout, "Captain Drinkwater, a very old friend of my father's, who has beendead some years."This was more interesting, and I could not help thinking that after allthere must be something in Spiritualism.
　　Mrs. James asked the spirit to interpret the meaning of the word "Warn" as applied to "NIPUL." The alphabet was given again, and wegot the word "BOSH."Gowing here muttered: "So it is."Mrs. James said she did not think the spirit meant that, as CaptainDrinkwater was a perfect gentleman, and would never have used the wordin answer to a lady's question. Accordingly the alphabet was givenagain.
　　This time the table spelled distinctly "POSH." We all thought of Mrs.
　　Murray Posh and Lupin. Carrie was getting a little distressed, and as itwas getting late we broke up the circle.
　　We arranged to have one more to-morrow, as it will be Mrs. James' lastnight in town. We also determined NOT to have Gowing present.
　　Cummings, before leaving, said it was certainly interesting, but hewished the spirits would say something about him.
　　June 4. -Quite looking forward to the seance this evening. Wasthinking of it all the day at the office.
　　Just as we sat down at the table we were annoyed by Gowing enteringwithout knocking.
　　He said: "I am not going to stop, but I have brought with me a sealedenvelope, which I know I can trust with Mrs. Pooter. In that sealedenvelope is a strip of paper on which I have asked a simple question. Ifthe spirits can answer that question, I will believe in Spiritualism."I ventured the expression that it might be impossible.
　　Mrs. James said: "Oh no! it is of common occurrence for the spiritsto answer questions under such conditions - and even for them to write onlocked slates. It is quite worth trying. If 'Lina' is in a good temper, sheis certain to do it."Gowing said: "All right; then I shall be a firm believer. I shallperhaps drop in about half-past nine or ten, and hear the result."He then left and we sat a long time. Cummings wanted to knowsomething about some undertaking in which he was concerned, but hecould get no answer of any description whatever - at which he said he wasvery disappointed and was afraid there was not much in table-turning afterall. I thought this rather selfish of him. The seance was very similar to the one last night, almost the same in fact. So we turned to the letter.
　　"Lina" took a long time answering the question, but eventually spelt out"ROSES, LILIES, AND COWS." There was great rocking of the table atthis time, and Mrs. James said: "If that is Captain Drinkwater, let us askhim the answer as well?"It was the spirit of the Captain, and, most singular, he gave the sameidentical answer: "ROSES, LILIES, AND COWS."I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie broke the seal, or thedisappointment we felt on reading the question, to which the answer wasso inappropriate. The question was, "WHAT'S OLD POOTER'S AGE?"This quite decided me.
　　As I had put my foot down on Spiritualism years ago, so I wouldagain.
　　I am pretty easy-going as a rule, but I can be extremely firm whendriven to it.
　　I said slowly, as I turned up the gas: "This is the last of this nonsensethat shall ever take place under my roof. I regret I permitted myself to bea party to such tomfoolery. If there is anything in it - which I doubt - it isnothing of any good, and I WON'T HAVE IT AGAIN. That is enough."Mrs. James said: "I think, Mr. Pooter, you are rather over- stepping"I said: "Hush, madam. I am master of this house - pleaseunderstand that."Mrs. James made an observation which I sincerely hope I wasmistaken in. I was in such a rage I could not quite catch what she said.
　　But if I thought she said what it sounded like, she should never enter thehouse again.
Chapter 23
　　Lupin leaves us. We dine at his new apartments, and hear someextraordinary information respecting the wealth of Mr. Murray Posh. MeetMiss Lilian Posh. Am sent for by Mr. Hardfur Huttle. Important.
　　July 1. - I find, on looking over my diary, nothing of anyconsequence has taken place during the last month. To-day we loseLupin, who has taken furnished apartments at Bayswater, near his friends,Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, at two guineas a week. I think this is mostextravagant of him, as it is half his salary. Lupin says one never loses bya good address, and, to use his own expression, Brickfield Terrace is a bit"off." Whether he means it is "far off" I do not know. I have long sincegiven up trying to understand his curious expressions. I said theneighbourhood had always been good enough for his parents. His replywas: "It is no question of being good or bad. There is no money in it,and I am not going to rot away my life in the suburbs."We are sorry to lose him, but perhaps he will get on better by himself,and there may be some truth in his remark that an old and a young horsecan't pull together in the same cart.
　　Gowing called, and said that the house seemed quite peaceful, and likeold times. He liked Master Lupin very well, but he occasionally sufferedfrom what he could not help - youth.
　　July 2. - Cummings called, looked very pale, and said he had beenvery ill again, and of course not a single friend had been near him.
　　Carrie said she had never heard of it, whereupon he threw down a copy ofthe BICYCLE NEWS on the table, with the following paragraph: "Weregret to hear that that favourite old roadster, Mr. Cummings ('Long'
　　Cummings), has met with what might have been a serious accident in RyeLane. A mischievous boy threw a stick between the spokes of one of theback wheels, and the machine overturned, bringing our brother tricyclistheavily to the ground. Fortunately he was more frightened than hurt, butwe missed his merry face at the dinner at Chingford, where they turned up in good numbers. 'Long' Cummings' health was proposed by our popularVice, Mr. Westropp, the prince of bicyclists, who in his happiest vein saidit was a case of 'CUMMING(s) thro' the RYE, but fortunately there wasmore WHEEL than WOE,' a joke which created roars of laughter."We all said we were very sorry, and pressed Cummings to stay tosupper. Cummings said it was like old times being without Lupin, and hewas much better away.
　　July 3, Sunday. - In the afternoon, as I was looking out of the parlourwindow, which was open, a grand trap, driven by a lady, with a gentlemanseated by the side of her, stopped at our door. Not wishing to be seen, Iwithdrew my head very quickly, knocking the back of it violently againstthe sharp edge of the window-sash. I was nearly stunned. There was aloud double-knock at the front door; Carrie rushed out of the parlour,upstairs to her room, and I followed, as Carrie thought it was Mr. Perkupp.
　　I thought it was Mr. Franching. - I whispered to Sarah over the banisters:
　　"Show them into the drawing-room." Sarah said, as the shutters were notopened, the room would smell musty. There was another loud rat-tat. Iwhispered: "Then show them into the parlour, and say Mr. Pooter will bedown directly." I changed my coat, but could not see to do my hair, asCarrie was occupying the glass.
　　Sarah came up, and said it was Mrs. Murray Posh and Mr. Lupin.
　　This was quite a relief. I went down with Carrie, and Lupin met mewith the remark: "I say, what did you run away from the window for?
　　Did we frighten you?"I foolishly said: "What window?"Lupin said: "Oh, you know. Shut it. You looked as if you wereplaying at Punch and Judy."On Carrie asking if she could offer them anything, Lupin said: "Oh, Ithink Daisy will take on a cup of tea. I can do with a B. and S."I said: "I am afraid we have no soda."Lupin said: "Don't bother about that. You just trip out and hold thehorse; I don't think Sarah understands it."They stayed a very short time, and as they were leaving, Lupin said:
　　"I want you both to come and dine with me next Wednesday, and see my new place. Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, Miss Posh (Murray's sister) arecoming. Eight o'clock sharp. No one else."I said we did not pretend to be fashionable people, and would like thedinner earlier, as it made it so late before we got home.
　　Lupin said: "Rats! You must get used to it. If it comes to that,Daisy and I can drive you home."We promised to go; but I must say in my simple mind the familiar wayin which Mrs. Posh and Lupin addressed each other is reprehensible.
　　Anybody would think they had been children together. I certainly shouldobject to a six months' acquaintance calling MY wife "Carrie," and drivingout with her.
　　July 4. - Lupin's rooms looked very nice; but the dinner was, I thought,a little too grand, especially as he commenced with champagne straight off.
　　I also think Lupin might have told us that he and Mr. and Mrs. MurrayPosh and Miss Posh were going to put on full evening dress. Knowingthat the dinner was only for us six, we never dreamed it would be a fulldress affair. I had no appetite. It was quite twenty minutes past eightbefore we sat down to dinner. At six I could have eaten a hearty meal. Ihad a bit of bread-and-butter at that hour, feeling famished, and I expectthat partly spoiled my appetite.
　　We were introduced to Miss Posh, whom Lupin called "Little Girl," asif he had known her all his life. She was very tall, rather plain, and Ithought she was a little painted round the eyes. I hope I am wrong; butshe had such fair hair, and yet her eyebrows were black. She lookedabout thirty. I did not like the way she kept giggling and giving Lupinsmacks and pinching him. Then her laugh was a sort of a scream thatwent right through my ears, all the more irritating because there wasnothing to laugh at. In fact, Carrie and I were not at all prepossessedwith her. They all smoked cigarettes after dinner, including Miss Posh,who startled Carrie by saying: "Don't you smoke, dear?" I answeredfor Carrie, and said: "Mrs. Charles Pooter has not arrived at it yet,"whereupon Miss Posh gave one of her piercing laughs again.
　　Mrs. Posh sang a dozen songs at least, and I can only repeat what Ihave said before - she does NOT sing in tune; but Lupin sat by the side of the piano, gazing into her eyes the whole time. If I had been Mr. Posh, Ithink I should have had something to say about it. Mr. Posh made himselfvery agreeable to us, and eventually sent us home in his carriage, which Ithought most kind. He is evidently very rich, for Mrs. Posh had on somebeautiful jewellery. She told Carrie her necklace, which her husbandgave her as a birthday present, alone cost 300 pounds.
　　Mr. Posh said he had a great belief in Lupin, and thought he wouldmake rapid way in the world.
　　I could not help thinking of the 600 pounds Mr. Posh lost over thePARACHIKKA CHLORATES through Lupin's advice.
　　During the evening I had an opportunity to speak to Lupin, andexpressed a hope that Mr. Posh was not living beyond his means.
　　Lupin sneered, and said Mr. Posh was worth thousands. "Posh's one-price hat" was a household word in Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool,and all the big towns throughout England. Lupin further informed methat Mr. Posh was opening branch establishments at New York, Sydney,and Melbourne, and was negotiating for Kimberley and Johannesburg.
　　I said I was pleased to hear it.
　　Lupin said: "Why, he has settled over 10,000 pounds on Daisy, andthe same amount on 'Lillie Girl.' If at any time I wanted a little capital,he would put up a couple of 'thou' at a day's notice, and could buy upPerkupp's firm over his head at any moment with ready cash."On the way home in the carriage, for the first time in my life, I wasinclined to indulge in the radical thought that money was NOT properlydivided.
　　On arriving home at a quarter-past eleven, we found a hansom cab,which had been waiting for me for two hours with a letter. Sarah said shedid not know what to do, as we had not left the address where we hadgone. I trembled as I opened the letter, fearing it was some bad newsabout Mr. Perkupp. The note was: "Dear Mr. Pooter, - Come down tothe Victoria Hotel without delay. Important. Yours truly, Hardfur Huttle."I asked the cabman if it was too late. The cabman replied that it wasNOT; for his instructions were, if I happened to be out, he was to wait till Icame home. I felt very tired, and really wanted to go to bed. I reached the hotel at a quarter before midnight. I apologised for being so late, butMr. Huttle said: "Not at all; come and have a few oysters." I feel myheart beating as I write these words. To be brief, Mr. Huttle said he had arich American friend who wanted to do something large in our line ofbusiness, and that Mr. Franching had mentioned my name to him. Wetalked over the matter. If, by any happy chance, the result be successful,I can more than compensate my dear master for the loss of Mr.
　　Crowbillon's custom. Mr. Huttle had previously said: "The glorious'Fourth' is a lucky day for America, and, as it has not yet struck twelve, wewill celebrate it with a glass of the best wine to be had in the place, anddrink good luck to our bit of business."I fervently hope it will bring good luck to us all.
　　It was two o'clock when I got home. Although I was so tired, I couldnot sleep except for short intervals - then only to dream.
　　I kept dreaming of Mr. Perkupp and Mr. Huttle. The latter was in alovely palace with a crown on. Mr. Perkupp was waiting in the room.
　　Mr. Huttle kept taking off this crown and handing it to me, and calling me"President."He appeared to take no notice of Mr. Perkupp, and I kept asking Mr.
　　Huttle to give the crown to my worthy master. Mr. Huttle kept saying:
　　"No, this is the White House of Washington, and you must keep yourcrown, Mr. President."We all laughed long and very loudly, till I got parched, and then Iwoke up. I fell asleep, only to dream the same thing over and over again.
Chapter 24
　　One of the happiest days of my life.
　　July 10. - The excitement and anxiety through which I have gone thelast few days have been almost enough to turn my hair grey. It is all butsettled. To-morrow the die will be cast. I have written a long letter toLupin - feeling it my duty to do so, - regarding his attention to Mrs. Posh,for they drove up to our house again last night.
　　July 11. - I find my eyes filling with tears as I pen the note of myinterview this morning with Mr. Perkupp. Addressing me, he said: "Myfaithful servant, I will not dwell on the important service you have doneour firm. You can never be sufficiently thanked. Let us change thesubject. Do you like your house, and are you happy where you are?"I replied: "Yes, sir; I love my house and I love the neighbourhood,and could not bear to leave it."Mr. Perkupp, to my surprise, said: "Mr. Pooter, I will purchase thefreehold of that house, and present it to the most honest and most worthyman it has ever been my lot to meet."He shook my hand, and said he hoped my wife and I would be sparedmany years to enjoy it. My heart was too full to thank him; and, seeingmy embarrassment, the good fellow said: "You need say nothing, Mr.
　　Pooter," and left the office.
　　I sent telegrams to Carrie, Gowing, and Cummings (a thing I havenever done before), and asked the two latter to come round to supper.
　　On arriving home I found Carrie crying with joy, and I sent Sarahround to the grocer's to get two bottles of "Jackson Freres."My two dear friends came in the evening, and the last post brought aletter from Lupin in reply to mine. I read it aloud to them all. It ran:
　　"My dear old Guv., - Keep your hair on. You are on the wrong tack again.
　　I am engaged to be married to 'Lillie Girl.' I did not mention it lastThursday, as it was not definitely settled. We shall be married in August,and amongst our guests we hope to see your old friends Gowing and Cummings. With much love to all, from THE SAME OLD LUPIN."
The End