1 Mr Wonka Goes Too Far
1 Mr Wonka Goes Too Far
The last time we saw Charlie, he was riding high above his
home town in the Great Glass Lift. Only a short while before,
Mr Wonka had told him that the whole gigantic fabulous
Chocolate Factory was his, and now our small friend was
returning in triumph with his entire family to take over. The
passengers in the Lift (just to remind you) were:
Charlie Bucket, our hero.
Mr Willy Wonka, chocolate-maker extraordinary.
Mr and Mrs Bucket, Charlie's father and mother.
Grandpa Joe and Grandma Josephine, Mr Bucket's father and
mother.
Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina, Mrs Bucket's father
and mother.
Grandma Josephine, Grandma Georgina and Grandpa George
were still in bed, the bed having been pushed on board just
before take-off. Grandpa Joe, as you remember, had got out of
bed to go around the Chocolate Factory with Charlie.
The Great Glass Lift was a thousand feet up and cruising
nicely. The sky was brilliant blue. Everybody on board was
wildly excited at the thought of going to live in the famous
Chocolate Factory.
Grandpa Joe was singing. Charlie was jumping up and down.
Mr and Mrs Bucket were smiling for the first time in years,
and the three old ones in the bed were grinning at one
another with pink toothless gums.
'What in the world keeps this crazy thing up in the air?'
croaked Grandma Josephine.
'Madam,' said Mr Wonka, 'it is not a lift any longer. Lifts only
go up and down inside buildings. But now that it has taken us
up into the sky, it has become an ELEVATOR. It is THE
GREAT GLASS ELEVATOR.'
'And what keeps it up?' said Grandma Josephine. 'Skyhooks,'
said Mr Wonka.
'You amaze me,' said Grandma Josephine.
'Dear lady,' said Mr Wonka, 'you are new to the scene. When
you have been with us a little longer, nothing will amaze you.'
'These skyhooks,' said Grandma Josephine. 'I assume one end
is hooked on to this contraption we're riding in. Right?'
'Right,' said Mr Wonka.
'What's the other end hooked on to?' said Grandma Josephine.
'Every day,' said Mr Wonka, 'I get deafer and deafer. Remind
me, please, to call up my ear doctor the moment we get back.'
'Charlie,' said Grandma Josephine. 'I don't think I trust this
gentleman very much.' 'Nor do I,' said Grandma Georgina. 'He
footles around.'
Charlie leaned over the bed and whispered to the two old
women. 'Please,' he said, 'don't spoil everything. Mr Wonka is
a fantastic man. He's my friend. I love him.'
'Charlie's right,' whispered Grandpa Joe, joining the group.
'Now you be quiet, Josie, and don't make trouble.'
'We must hurry!' said Mr Wonka. 'We have so much time and
so little to do! No! Wait! Cross that out! Reverse it! Thank
you! Now back to the factory!' he cried, clapping his hands
once and springing two feet in the air with two feet. 'Back we
fly to the factory! But we must go up before we can come
down. We must go higher and higher!'
'What did I tell you,' said Grandma Josephine. 'The man's
cracked!'
'Be quiet, Josie,' said Grandpa Joe. 'Mr Wonka knows exactly
what he's doing.'
'He's cracked as a crab!' said Grandma Georgina.
'We must go higher!' said Mr Wonka. 'We must go
tremendously high! Hold on to your stomach!' He pressed a
brown button. The Elevator shuddered, and then with a fearful
whooshing noise it shot vertically upward like a rocket.
Everybody clutched hold of everybody else and as the great
machine gathered speed, the rushing whooshing sound of the
wind outside grew louder and louder and shriller and shriller
until it became a piercing shriek and you had to yell to make
yourself heard.
'Stop!' yelled Grandma Josephine. 'Joe, you make him stop! I
want to get off!' 'Save us!' yelled Grandma Georgina.
'Go down!' yelled Grandpa George.
'No, no!' Mr Wonka yelled back. 'We've got to go up!'
'But why?' they all shouted at once. 'Why up and not down?'
'Because the higher we are when we start coming down, the
faster we'll all be going when we hit,' said Mr Wonka. 'We've
got to be going at an absolutely sizzling speed when we hit.'
'When we hit what?' they cried.
'The factory, of course,' answered Mr Wonka.
'You must be whackers,' said Grandma Josephine. 'We'll all be
pulpified!'
'We'll be scrambled like eggs!' said Grandma Georgina.
'That,' said Mr Wonka, 'is a chance we shall have to take.'
'You're joking,' said Grandma Josephine. 'Tell us you're joking.'
'Madam,' said Mr Wonka, 'I never joke.'
'Oh, my dears!' cried Grandma Georgina. 'We'll be lixivated,
every one of us!'
'More than likely,' said Mr Wonka.
Grandma Josephine screamed and disappeared under the
bedclothes, Grandma Georgina clutched Grandpa George so
tight he changed shape. Mr and Mrs Bucket stood hugging
each other, speechless with fright. Only Charlie and Grandpa
Joe kept moderately cool. They had travelled a long way with
Mr Wonka and had grown accustomed to surprises. But as
the Great Elevator continued to streak upward further and
further away from the earth, even Charlie began to feel a trifle
nervous. 'Mr Wonka!' he yelled above the noise, 'what I don't
understand is why we've got to come down at such a terrific
speed.'
'My dear boy,' Mr Wonka answered, 'if we don't come down
at a terrific speed, we'll never burst our way back in through
the roof of the factory. It's not easy to punch a hole in a roof
as strong as that.'
'But there's a hole in it already,' said Charlie. 'We made it
when we came out.'
'Then we shall make another,' said Mr Wonka. 'Two holes are
better than one. Any mouse will tell you that.'
Higher and higher rushed the Great Glass Elevator until soon
they could see the countries and oceans of the Earth spread
out below them like a map. It was all very beautiful, but when
you are standing on a glass floor looking down, it gives you a
nasty feeling. Even Charlie was beginning to feel frightened
now. He hung on tightly to Grandpa Joe's hand and looked
up anxiously into the old man's face. 'I'm scared, Grandpa,' he
said.
Grandpa Joe put an arm around Charlie's shoulders and held
him close. 'So am I, Charlie,' he said.
'Mr Wonka!' Charlie shouted. 'Don't you think this is about
high enough?'
'Very nearly,' Mr Wonka answered. 'But not quite. Don't talk to
me now, please. Don't disturb me. I must watch things very
carefully at this stage. Split-second timing, my boy, that's what
it's got to be. You see this green button. I must press it at
exactly the right instant. If I'm just half a second late, then
we'll go too high!'
'What happens if we go too high?' asked Grandpa Joe.
'Do please stop talking and let me concentrate!' Mr Wonka
said.
At that precise moment, Grandma Josephine poked her head
out from under the sheets and peered over the edge of the
bed. Through the glass floor she saw the entire continent of
North America nearly two hundred miles below and looking no
bigger than a bar of chocolate. 'Someone's got to stop this
maniac!' she screeched and she shot out a wrinkled old hand
and grabbed Mr Wonka by the coat-tails and yanked him
backwards on to the bed.
'No, no!' cried Mr Wonka, struggling to free himself. 'Let me
go! I have things to see to! Don't disturb the pilot!'
'You madman!' shrieked Grandma Josephine, shaking Mr
Wonka so fast his head became a blur. 'You get us back
home this instant!'
'Let me go!' cried Mr Wonka, 'I've got to press that button or
we'll go too high! Let me go! Let me go!' But Grandma
Josephine hung on. 'Charlie!' shouted Mr Wonka. 'Press the
button! The green one! Quick, quick, quick!'
Charlie leaped across the Elevator and banged his thumb down
on the green button. But as he did so, the Elevator gave a
mighty groan and rolled over on to its side and the rushing
whooshing noise stopped altogether. There was an eerie silence.
'Too late!' cried Mr Wonka. 'Oh, my goodness me, we're
cooked!' As he spoke, the bed with the three old ones in it
and Mr Wonka on top lifted gently off the floor and hung
suspended in mid-air. Charlie and Grandpa Joe and Mr and
Mrs Bucket also floated upwards so that in a twink the entire
company, as well as the bed, were floating around like balloons
inside the Great Glass Elevator.
'Now look what you've done!' said Mr Wonka, floating about.
'What happened?' Grandma Josephine called out. She had
floated clear of the bed and was hovering near the ceiling in
her nightshirt.
'Did we go too far?' Charlie asked.
'Too far?' cried Mr Wonka. 'Of course we went too far! You
know where we've gone, my friends? We've gone into orbit!'
They gaped, they gasped, they stared. They were too
flabbergasted to speak.
'We are now rushing around the Earth at seventeen thousand
miles an hour,' Mr Wonka said. 'How does that grab you?'
'I'm choking!' gasped Grandma Georgina. 'I can't breathe!'
'Of course you can't,' said Mr Wonka. 'There's no air up here.'
He sort of swam across under the ceiling to a button marked
OXYGEN. He pressed it. 'You'll be all right now,' he said.
'Breathe away.'
'This is the queerest feeling,' Charlie said, swimming about. 'I
feel like a bubble.' 'It's great,' said Grandpa Joe. 'It feels as
though I don't weigh anything at all.' 'You don't,' said Mr
Wonka. 'None of us weighs anything — not even one ounce.'
'What piffle!' said Grandma Georgina. 'I weigh one hundred
and thirty-seven pounds exactly.'
'Not now you don't,' said Mr Wonka. 'You are completely
weightless.'
The three old ones, Grandpa George, Grandma Georgina and
Grandma Josephine, were trying frantically to get back into
bed, but without success. The bed was floating about in
mid-air. They, of course, were also floating, and every time they
got above the bed and tried to lie down, they simply floated
up out of it. Charlie and Grandpa Joe were hooting with
laughter. 'What's so funny?' said Grandma Josephine.
'We've got you out of bed at last,' said Grandpa Joe. 'Shut up
and help us back!' snapped Grandma Josephine.
'Forget it,' said Mr Wonka. 'You'll never stay down. Just keep
floating around and be happy.'
'The man's a madman!' cried Grandma Georgina. 'Watch out, I
say, or he'll lixivate the lot of us!'
1　旺卡先生飞得太高了
1　旺卡先生飞得太高了
我们上次看到查理时，他正乘着大玻璃电梯高高地飞在他家乡的市镇上空。那是不久以
前，即旺卡先生告诉他说，整座惊人的巧克力大工厂现在全归他所有了之后的事。如今我们
这位小朋友正带着全家人乘电梯奏凯而归去接收这座工厂。只是为了再提醒诸位一次，我现
在把电梯里的全体乘客再介绍一遍：
查理•巴克特：故事的主人公。
威利•旺卡先生：出色的巧克力制造商。
巴克特先生和太太：查理的爸爸和妈妈。
约瑟夫爷爷和约瑟芬奶奶巴克特先生的爸爸和妈妈。
乔治姥爷和乔治娜姥姥：巴克特太太的爸爸和妈妈。
约瑟芬奶奶、乔治娜姥姥和乔治姥爷躺在床上。这张床是在电梯正要起飞时被推进去
的。诸位一定还记得，约瑟夫爷爷早已下床，还陪着查理去参观了那座巧克力工厂。
大玻璃电梯在一千英尺高空，正在良好的状态下飞行。天空一片湛蓝。在电梯里，每个
人想到即将住进著名的巧克力工厂就激动万分。
“是什么使得这个发疯的东西飘在空中啊？”约瑟芬奶奶哇哇地叫道。
“老太太”，旺卡先生说，“这个东西不再是电梯了。电梯只能在大厦里面升降，但这一架
把我们带上了天空，它已经成了一架升降机——一架大玻璃升降机。”
“是什么东西使它逗留在天上呢？”约瑟芬奶奶问道。
“是天钩。”旺卡先生答道。
“你的话使我觉得太奇怪了。”约瑟芬奶奶说。
“亲爱的老太太，”旺卡先生说，“你只是少见多怪。等到你和我们在一起多待一会儿，就
什么东西也不会再使你觉得奇怪了。”
“这些天钩，”约瑟芬奶奶说，“它用一头钩住了我们正乘着的这个新奇玩意儿，对吗？”
“对。”旺卡先生说。
“那么另一头钩住什么呢？”约瑟芬奶奶又问。
“我的耳朵一天比一天聋了，”旺卡先生说，“回去以后，请别忘了提醒我去看耳科医
生。”
“查理，”约瑟芬奶奶说，“我实在不太信任这位先生。”
“我也不信他，”乔治娜姥姥说，“他胡天胡地的。”
查理向床上俯下身去，在两位老太太耳边悄悄地说：“请不要扫兴。旺卡先生虽然是一位
怪人，但他是我的朋友。我喜欢他。”
“查理说得对。”约瑟芬奶奶插进来悄悄地说，“安静些，不要找麻烦。”
“我们得快一点！”旺卡先生说，“我们花了那么多时间，路却走得那么少！不行！等一
等！换个办法！把它倒过来！谢谢！现在我们回工厂去！”他拍了一下手，在空中跳了两英尺
高，大声叫道，“我们要飞回工厂！但是下去以前必须先上去。我们必须愈飞愈高！”
“我怎么跟你们说的？”约瑟芬奶奶说，“这个人简直疯了！”
“别吵，约瑟芬，”约瑟夫爷爷说，“旺卡先生完全知道他在做什么。”
“他疯得像一只螃蟹！”乔治娜姥姥说。
“我们必须飞得更高！”旺卡先生说，“我们必须飞得非常非常高！抱着你们的肚子
吧！”他按下一个棕色的按钮。升降机一阵颤动，接着发出可怕的嘘嘘声，像火箭那样呼地直
冲云霄。所有的人紧紧靠在一起。大升降机不断加速，机外呼呼的风声愈来愈响，愈来愈凄
厉，最后还发出刺耳的呼啸声，机内的人说话想让别人听见，得扯着嗓子大叫大嚷。
“停下来！”约瑟芬奶奶哇哇叫道，“约瑟夫，快让它停下来！我要下去！”
“救命啊！”乔治娜姥姥哇哇大叫。
“下去！”乔治姥爷哇哇大叫。
“不！不！”旺卡先生也哇哇大叫着回答，“我们必须上去！”
“为什么？”他们同时叫着问，“为什么要上去而不是下去？”
“因为在愈高的地方开始降落，冲撞的力度就愈大。”旺卡先生说，“我们必须用最大的力
度向下冲撞。”
“我们要撞什么？”他们大叫道。
“那还用说，当然是工厂喽！”旺卡先生回答。
“你真是荒唐到顶了，”约瑟芬奶奶说，“我们会被撞成一摊血浆的！”
“我们会像鸡蛋那样被撞碎的！”乔治娜姥姥说。
“这是我们必须采取的唯一方法。”旺卡先生说。
“你是不是在说笑话。”约瑟芬奶奶说，“你……你是在说笑话。”
“老太太，”旺卡先生说，“我从来不说笑话的。”
“哎哟！我的天啊！”乔治娜姥姥大叫道，“我们完了，一个也逃不了！”
“大有可能。”旺卡先生说。
约瑟芬奶奶尖叫着钻到被单底下，乔治娜姥姥抓住乔治姥爷，抓得那么紧，乔治姥爷连
样子都变了。巴克特先生和太太两人紧抱着站在那里，吓得话也说不出来。只有查理和约瑟
夫爷爷仍保持冷静。他们曾经和旺卡先生一起做过长途旅行，对于那些意想不到的事情早已
有了心理准备。但大升降机不停地上升，而且愈升愈高，连查理也不由得有点紧张。“旺卡先
生！”他的叫声盖过周围的喧闹声，“我不明白，我们为什么要用那样可怕的速度往下冲？”
“我亲爱的孩子，”旺卡先生回答说，“我们不用惊人的速度向下冲，就不能穿过工厂的屋
顶回到地面。屋顶那么牢固，是不容易被撞出一个洞来的。”
“但是屋顶上已经有了一个洞，”查理说，“我们出来时已经撞出一个洞了。”
“那么我们必须再撞出一个。”旺卡先生说，“两个洞总比一个洞好，任何一只老鼠都能告
诉你这个道理。”
大玻璃升降机愈升愈高，很快他们就看到地球上的大洲和大洋，它们像一幅地图展现在
他们的脚底下，太美丽了，但这样站在玻璃地板上看下去却总叫人觉得不是味儿。现在连查
理也开始感到害怕了。他紧紧拉住约瑟夫爷爷的手，抬起头担心地看老人家的脸。“我害怕，
爷爷。”他说。
约瑟夫爷爷用一只手抱住查理的肩头，把他搂在怀里。“我也害怕，查理。”他说。
“旺卡先生！”查理叫道，“你不认为已经够高了吗？”
“差不多了，”旺卡先生回答说，“但还不够。现在请不要和我说话。千万不要打搅我，在
这紧要关头我必须聚精会神地看着。时机要选择得分秒不差，我的孩子，这是我们必须做到
的。你看见这一个绿色按钮了吗？我必须在最合适的时刻按它。迟按半秒钟我们就会升得过
高！”
“升得太高会出什么事？”约瑟夫爷爷问道。
“请不要说话，让我全神贯注！”旺卡先生说。
就在这紧要关头，约瑟芬奶奶从被单底下伸出头来，从床边往下看。透过玻璃地板可以
看到整个北美洲就在近两百英里以下，看上去不比一块巧克力糖大一点。“必须有人制止这种
疯狂的行为！”她哇哇大叫着，伸出一只皱巴巴的手，一把抓住了旺卡先生大礼服的燕尾，把
他向后倒拉到床边来。
“不要拉，不要拉！”旺卡先生嚷嚷着要挣脱身子，“放开我！我要看看！不要打搅驾驶
员！”
“你这个疯子！”约瑟芬奶奶大叫着，拼命地摇晃旺卡先生，把他摇得头昏脑涨，“快把我
们送回家！”
“放开我！”旺卡先生大叫，“我必须按按钮，不然我们就升得太高了！放开我！放开
我！”可是约瑟芬奶奶拉住他不放。“查理！”旺卡先生叫道，“快按按钮！绿色的一个！快！
快！快！”
查理一个箭步跑上前，在那个绿色的按钮上用力一按，升降机马上发出嘎吱嘎吱的响
声，上下翻转。突然，呜呜声猛地停止，四周静得很可怕。
“太晚了！”旺卡先生叫道，“噢，我的天啊！我们出事情了！”他说话时，三位老人家连
同床，再加上旺卡先生自己，全都轻飘飘地离开了地板，悬在半空中。查理和约瑟夫爷爷、
巴克特先生和太太也都飘起来。一转眼工夫，所有的人连同那张床，在大玻璃升降机里像气
球一样飘来飘去。
“现在瞧你做的好事！”飘浮在半空中的旺卡先生说。
“出什么事了？”约瑟芬奶奶叫起来。她已经飘离了床，穿着睡袍在升降机的天花板下盘
旋。
“我们升得太高了吗？”查理问道。
“太高？”旺卡先生叫道，“当然太高！你们知道我们到哪里了？我们已经进入地球轨
道！”
他们全都目瞪口呆，透不过气来。他们全都吓得说不出话来了。
“现在我们正以一万七千英里的时速在绕着地球运行。”旺卡先生说，“看它怎样吸住了你
们！”
“我透不过气来！”乔治娜姥姥说，“我不能呼吸了！”
“你当然不能呼吸，”旺卡先生说，“因为这里没有空气。”他在天花板底下像游泳一样飘
到一个写着“氧气”的按钮边上把它按了下去。“好了，”他说，“现在可以了。”
“这是一种奇怪透了的感觉，”查理说着游来游去，“我觉得自己像一个泡泡。”
“真了不起，”约瑟夫爷爷说，“我好像一点儿重量也没有了。”
“你是没有重量，”旺卡先生说，“我们全都没有重量——一盎司的重量也没有。”
“一派胡言！”乔治娜姥姥说，“我的重量刚好是一百三十七磅，一点也不少。”
“但是你现在没有了，”旺卡先生说，“一点儿重量也没有了。”
三位老人家——乔治姥爷、乔治娜姥姥和约瑟芬奶奶发疯似的想要回到床上去，但是都
没有成功。床在半空中飘来飘去，每次到了床上要躺下去，床又飘走了。查理和约瑟夫爷爷
只管哈哈大笑。“有什么好笑的？”约瑟芬奶奶说。
“我们终于使你们离开了床。”约瑟夫爷爷说。
“闭上你的嘴！快帮我们回到床上去！”约瑟芬奶奶生气地说。
“这你休想！”旺卡先生说，“你们永远也不能躺下来了，就这样快快活活地飘来飘去
吧。”
“这个家伙简直是个疯子！”乔治娜姥姥叫道，“我说大家当心点，不然他要使我们全都完
蛋的！”
2 Space Hotel 'U.S.A.'
2 Space Hotel 'U.S.A.'
Mr Wonka's Great Glass Elevator was not the only thingorbiting the Earth at that
particular time. Two days before, the United States of Americahad successfully launched
its first Space Hotel, a gigantic sausage-shaped capsule no lessthan one thousand feet long.
It was called Space Hotel 'U.S.A.' and it was the marvel of thespace age. It had inside it a
tennis-court, a swimming pool, a gymnasium, a children'splayroom and five hundred
luxury bedrooms, each with a private bath. It was fullyair-conditioned. It was also
equipped with a gravity-making machine so that you didn't floatabout inside it. You
walked normally.
This extraordinary object was now speeding round and roundthe earth at a height of 240 miles. Guests were to be takenup and down by a taxi-service of small capsules blasting offfrom Cape Kennedy every hour on the hour, Mondays toFridays. But as yet there was nobody on board at all, noteven an astronaut. The reason for this was that no one hadreally believed such an enormous thing would ever get off theground without blowing up.
But the launching had been a great success and now that theSpace Hotel was safely in orbit, there was a tremendous hustleand bustle to send up the first guests. It was rumoured thatthe President of the United States himself was going to beamong the first to stay in the hotel, and of course there was amad rush by all sorts of other people across the world tobook rooms. Several kings and queens had cabled the WhiteHouse in Washington for reservations, and a Texas millionairecalled Orson Cart, who was about to marry a Hollywood starletcalled Helen Highwater, was offering one hundred thousanddollars a day for the honeymoon suite.
But you cannot send guests to an hotel unless there are lotsof people there to look after them, and that explains why therewas yet another interesting object orbiting the earth at thatmoment. This was the large Transport Capsule containing theentire staff for Space Hotel 'U.S.A.' There were managers,assistant managers, desk-clerks, waitresses, bell-boys,chambermaids, pastry chefs and hall porters. The capsule theywere travelling in was manned by the three famous astronauts,Shuckworth, Shanks and Showler, all of them handsome, cleverand brave.
'In exactly one hour,' said Shuckworth, speaking to thepassengers over the loudspeaker, 'we shall link up with SpaceHotel "U.S.A.", your happy home for the next ten years. Andany moment now, if you look straight ahead, you should catchyour first glimpse of this magnificent space-ship. Ah-ha! I seesomething there! That must be it, folks! There's definitelysomething up there ahead of us!'
Shuckworth, Shanks and Showler, as well as the managers,assistant managers, desk-clerks, waitresses, bell-boys,chambermaids, pastry chefs and hall porters, all stared excitedlythrough the windows. Shuckworth fired a couple of smallrockets to make the capsule go faster, and they began to catchup very quickly.
'Hey!' yelled Showler. 'That isn't our space hotel!'
'Holy rats!' cried Shanks. 'What in the name ofNebuchadnezzar is it!'
'Quick! Give me the telescope!' yelled Shuckworth. With onehand he focused the telescope and with the other he flippedthe switch connecting him to Ground Control.
'Hello, Houston!' he cried into the mike. 'There's somethingcrazy going on up here! There's a thing orbiting ahead of usand it's not like any space-ship I've ever seen, that's for sure!'
'Describe it at once,' ordered Ground Control in Houston.
'It's … it's all made of glass and it's kind of square and it'sgot lots of people inside it! They're all floating about like fish ina tank!'
'How many astronauts on board?'
'None,' said Shuckworth. 'They can't possibly be astronauts.'
'What makes you say that?'
'Because at least three of them are in nightshirts!'
'Don't be a fool, Shuckworth!' snapped Ground Control. 'Pullyourself together, man! This is serious!'
'I swear it!' cried poor Shuckworth. 'There's three of them innightshirts! Two old women and one old man! I can see themclearly! I can even see their faces! Jeepers, they're older thanMoses! They're about ninety years old!'
'You've gone mad, Shuckworth!' shouted Ground Control.
'You're fired! Give me Shanks!'
'Shanks speaking,' said Shanks. 'Now listen here, Houston.
There's these three old birds in nightshirts floating around inthis crazy glass box and there's a funny little guy with apointed beard wearing a black top-hat and a plum-colouredvelvet tail-coat and bottle-green trousers …'
'Stop!' screamed Ground Control.
'That's not all,' said Shanks. 'There's also a little boy about tenyears old …'
'That's no boy, you idiot!' shouted Ground Control. 'That's anastronaut in disguise! It's a midget astronaut dressed up as alittle boy! Those old people are astronauts too! They're all indisguise!'
'But who are they?' cried Shanks.
'How the heck would I know?' said Ground Control. 'Are theyheading for our Space Hotel?'
'That's exactly where they are heading!' cried Shanks. 'I cansee the Space Hotel now about a mile ahead.'
'They're going to blow it up!' yelled Ground Control. 'This isdesperate! This is …' Suddenly his voice was cut off andShanks heard another quite different voice in his earphones. Itwas deep and rasping.
'I'll take charge of this,' said the deep rasping voice. 'Are youthere, Shanks?'
'Of course I'm here,' said Shanks. 'But how dare you butt in.
Keep your big nose out of this. Who are you anyway?'
'This is the President of the United States,' said the voice.
'And this is the Wizard of Oz,' said Shanks. 'Who are youkidding?'
'Cut the piffle, Shanks,' snapped the President. 'This is anational emergency!'
'Good grief!' said Shanks, turning to Shuckworth and Showler.
'It really is the President. It's President Gilligrass himself … Well,hello there, Mr President, sir. How are you today?'
'How many people are there in that glass capsule?' rasped thePresident.
'Eight,' said Shanks. 'All floating.'
'Floating?
'We're outside the pull of gravity up here, Mr President.
Everything floats. We'd be floating ourselves if we weren'tstrapped down. Didn't you know that?'
'Of course I knew it,' said the President. 'What else can youtell me about that glass capsule?'
'There's a bed in it,' said Shanks. 'A big double bed and that'sfloating too.'
'A bed!' barked the President. 'Whoever heard of a bed in aspacecraft!'
'I swear it's a bed,' said Shanks.
'You must be loopy, Shanks,' declared the President. 'You'redotty as a doughnut! Let me talk to Showler!'
'Showler here, Mr President,' said Showler, taking the mikefrom Shanks. 'It is a great honour to talk to you, MrPresident, sir.'
'Oh, shut up!' said the President. 'Just tell me what you see.'
'It's a bed all right, Mr President. I can see it through mytelescope. It's got sheets and blankets and a mattress …'
'That's not a bed, you drivelling thickwit!' yelled the President.
'Can't you understand it's a trick! It's a bomb. It's a bombdisguised as a bed! They're going to blow up our magnificentSpace Hotel!'
'Who's they, Mr President, sir?' said Showler.
'Don't talk so much and let me think,' said the President.
There were a few moments of silence. Showler waited tensely.
So did Shanks and Shuckworth. So did the managers andassistant managers and desk-clerks and waitresses and bell-boysand chambermaids and pastry chefs and hall porters. Anddown in the huge Control Room at Houston, one hundredcontrollers sat motionless in front of their dials and monitors,waiting to see what orders the President would give next to theastronauts.
'I've just thought of something,' said the President. 'Don't youhave a television camera up there on the front of yourspacecraft, Showler?'
'Sure do, Mr President.'
'Then switch it on, you nit, and let all of us down here get alook at this object!'
'I never thought of that,' said Showler. 'No wonder you're thePresident. Here goes …' He reached out and switched on theTV camera in the nose of the spacecraft, and at that moment,five hundred million people all over the world who had beenlistening in on their radios rushed to their television sets.
On their screens they saw exactly what Shuckworth andShanks and Showler were seeing — a weird glass box insplendid orbit around the earth, and inside the box, seen nottoo clearly but seen none the less, were seven grown-ups andone small boy and a big double bed, all floating. Three of thegrown-ups were barelegged and wearing nightshirts. And far offin the distance, beyond the glass box, the TV watchers couldsee the enormous, glistening, silvery shape of Space Hotel'U.S.A.'
But it was the sinister glass box itself that everyone was staringat, and the cargo of sinister creatures inside it — eightastronauts so tough and strong they didn't even bother towear space-suits. Who were these people and where did theycome from? And what in heaven's name was that bigevil-looking thing disguised as a double bed? The President hadsaid it was a bomb and he was probably right. But what werethey going to do with it? All across America and Canada andRussia and Japan and India and China and Africa andEngland and France and Germany and everywhere else in theworld a kind of panic began to take hold of the televisionwatchers.
'Keep well clear of them, Showler!' ordered the President overthe radio link. 'Sure will, Mr President!' Showler answered. 'Isure will!'
2　美国太空旅馆
2　美国太空旅馆
与此同时，绕着地球运行的不止是一架大玻璃升降机。两天前，美国成功地发射了它的第一家太空旅馆。这是一艘巨型的香肠形太空船，长度不少于一千英尺，名为“美国太空旅馆”，是太空时代的奇迹。这旅馆里有网球场、游泳池、体育馆、儿童游戏室和五百个带浴室的豪华客房。旅馆里有全套空调设备，还装有重力制造机，人在里面不会飘来飘去，可以正常行走。
这个惊人的物体正在离地面二百四十英里的高度绕着地球飞行。住客要由肯尼迪宇航中心发射的小太空船接送。太空船的服务时间由星期一到星期五，每小时一班。不过目前旅馆里空无一人，连一个宇航员也没有。因为没有一个人真正相信这样大的东西能离开地球而不爆炸。
但是发射非常成功，现在这家太空旅馆正安全地在轨道上运行。因此，当务之急就是送出第一批客人。传说美国总统本人将是第一批住进旅馆的客人之一，全世界各色人等自然掀起了预订客房的热潮。好几位国王和王后已经打电报向华盛顿白宫预订房间。得克萨斯州一位叫奥森•卡特的百万富翁即将和好莱坞的少女明星海伦•海沃特结婚，他愿花十万美元一天的代价租住一个蜜月套房。
但在把客人送上旅馆之前，旅馆里先要有人接待他们，因此这时候还有一个有趣的物体正在绕着地球飞行。这是一艘很大的太空运输船，它里面载着美国太空旅馆的全体工作人员，其中有经理、副经理、接待员、男女服务员、收拾房间的女侍应生、糕点面包师傅、行李搬运员等。这艘太空船由三位著名的宇航员驾驶，分别是：沙克沃思、香克斯和肖勒。他们个个英俊、聪明、勇敢。
“还有一小时，”沙克沃思用扩音器对乘客们说，“我们就要和美国太空旅馆——未来十年内你们的安乐窝——对接。现在你们向前看，就可以看到这艘特别的宇宙飞船了。哈哈！我看到那里有样东西在飞行！朋友们，那一定是宇宙飞船！百分之百是有一样东西在我们的前面！”
沙克沃思、香克斯和肖勒，还有经理、副经理、接待员、男女服务员、收拾房间的女侍应生、糕点面包师傅、行李搬运员等，全都兴奋地望向窗外。沙克沃思发射了两颗小型火箭使太空船飞得更快，他们开始快速地追上去。
“嘿！”肖勒叫道，“那不是我们的太空旅馆！”
“神圣的老鼠！”香克斯叫道，“以古代巴比伦国王尼布甲尼撒的名义，那是什么呀？”
“快把望远镜给我！”沙克沃思叫道。他用一只手调校望远镜，用另一只手打开连接他和地面控制站的开关。
“哈啰，休斯敦！”他对着话筒叫道，“我们这里有一样东西正在发疯似的飞行！有一样东西正在我们前面沿着轨道运行，这东西不像我见过的任何宇宙飞船，我绝对没有看错！”
“马上细致描述。”休斯敦地面控制中心的人员命令说。
“这个东西……这个东西全部是用玻璃制造的，方形，里面有不少人！这些人全都在飘来飘去，像鱼缸里的鱼一样！”
“里面共有几个宇航员？”
“一个也没有，”沙克沃思说，“他们不可能是宇航员。”
“你根据什么这样说？”
“因为他们当中至少有三个人穿着睡袍！”
“不要傻了，沙克沃思！”地面控制中心的人呵斥他，“朋友，镇静下来！这是严肃的事情！”
“我对天发誓！”可怜的沙克沃思叫道，“他们当中的确有三个人穿着睡袍！两位老太太和一位老先生！我看得清清楚楚！我甚至看到了他们的脸！哎呀，他们比摩西 [1] 还要老！大概九十岁！”
“你发疯了，沙克沃思！”地面控制中心的人叫道，“现在我要解除你的职务！叫香克斯对话！”
“我是香克斯，”香克斯说，“请你听着，我的确看到了三个穿睡袍的老家伙在那古怪的玻璃箱里飘来飘去。还有一个滑稽的矮子，长着一把山羊胡子，头戴一顶黑色高顶大礼帽，身穿一件暗紫色天鹅绒燕尾服和一条深绿色裤子……”
“住口！”地面控制中心的人哇哇大叫。
“还有，”香克斯说，“还有一个小孩，大约十岁……”
“那不是小孩，你这蠢材！”地面控制中心的人叫道，“那是一个伪装的宇航员！那是一个穿上了小孩衣服的小个子宇航员！那些老人也是宇航员！他们全都伪装了！”
“但他们是什么人呢？”香克斯叫道。
“我怎么知道？”地面控制中心的人说，“他们也向我们的太空旅馆飞去吗？”
“他们正是向那里飞去！”香克斯叫道，“现在我可以看到太空旅馆了，在前面约一英里。”
“那些人要去炸掉它！”地面控制中心的人大叫，“这是要命的！这是……”他的声音忽然被打断了。透过耳机，香克斯听到另一个完全不同的声音。这声音深沉而粗哑。
“我来负责这件事，”那深沉而粗哑的声音说，“你在太空运输船里吗，香克斯？”
“当然，”香克斯说，“但是你怎么胆敢插进来！别把你的大鼻子插到这件事上面来。你到底是谁？”
“我是美国总统。”那声音说。
“我是奥芝国的巫师 [2] 。”香克斯说，“你到底是谁？开什么玩笑？”
“不要说废话，香克斯，”总统喝令他说，“这是十万火急的国家大事！”
“真倒霉！”香克斯转脸对沙克沃思和肖勒说，“真是总统，是吉利格拉斯总统……哈啰，总统先生，你今天好吗？”
“在那艘玻璃太空船里共有几个人？”总统发出刺耳的声音问道。
“八个。”香克斯说，“全都在飘来飘去。”
“飘来飘去？”
“我们脱离了地心引力，总统先生，所以所有的东西都飘来飘去。我们如果不是用皮带拴在座位上，也是要飘来飘去的，你不知道吗？”
“我当然知道，”总统说，“关于那架玻璃太空船，你还有什么可以告诉我的？”
“里面有张床，”香克斯说，“一张双人大床，它也在飘来飘去。”
“一张床！”总统吼叫，“谁听说过在宇宙飞船里有床的！”
“我发誓那是一张床。”香克斯说。
“你一定是个糊涂虫，香克斯！”总统说，“你和一个炸面包圈一样呆头呆脑！让我和肖勒说话！”
“我是肖勒，总统先生，”肖勒从香克斯手里接过话筒说，“很荣幸能和总统你说话。”
“噢，闭嘴！”总统说，“你只要把看到的东西告诉我就行了。”
“没错，总统先生，那的确是一张床，我从望远镜里可以看到它。它上面有床单、毛毯、有床垫……”
“那不是床，你这个胡说八道的笨蛋！”总统大叫，“你不明白吗？这是一个诡计！这是一个炸弹！这是一个伪装成床的炸弹！他们要炸掉我们那座顶刮刮的太空旅馆！”
“他们是谁呀，总统先生？”肖勒问道。
“别多嘴，让我想一想。”总统说。
好一会儿工夫，一点声音也没有。肖勒等得好不心焦。香克斯和沙克沃思也一样。还有经理、副经理、接待员、男女服务员、收拾房间的女侍应生、糕点面包师傅、行李搬运员等也一样。在下面休斯敦的巨大控制中心大厅，上百名控制人员对着仪器坐着，一动不动，等着听总统接下来要给宇航员们下达什么指示。
“我刚想起一件事，”总统说，“在你们上面，太空船前端有电视摄像机是吗，肖勒？”
“当然有，总统先生。”
“那么快把它打开，你这饭桶，让我们下面的人看看这个东西！”
“我竟没有想到这个好主意，”肖勒说，“你真不愧是一位总统。我这就把它打开……”他伸出手去打开太空船顶上的电视摄像机。这时候，全世界正在收音机旁倾听着的五亿人，马上向他们的电视机扑过去。
从电视荧光屏上，他们清楚地看到了沙克沃思、香克斯和肖勒所看到的东西——一个绕着地球轨道出色地飞行的古怪的玻璃箱。玻璃箱里，虽然看得不太清楚，但确实看到了七个大人、一个小孩和一张双人大床，全都在飘来飘去。大人中有三个是光着脚，穿着睡袍的。
玻璃箱再过去，就是闪闪发亮的那座银色的巨型美国太空旅馆。
但所有的人盯着看的却是这个古怪的玻璃箱和它里面的古怪生物——八名宇航员。他们身体太棒了，连宇航服也不用穿。这些人是谁？他们从哪里来？真见鬼，那外表是双人床，看上去很可怕的庞然大物又是什么？总统说它是一个炸弹，他的话也许是对的。不过他们要用它来干什么呢？于是从美国到加拿大，到苏联，到日本，到印度，到中国，到非洲，到英国，到法国，到德国，世界各地的电视观众全都开始恐慌了。
“让电视摄像机对准他们，肖勒！”总统通过无线电命令道。
“遵命，总统先生！”肖勒回答说，“我一定照办！”
[1]摩西是《圣经》中率领希伯来人逃出埃及的首领。
[2]奥芝国的巫师是美国儿童文学作家鲍姆（1856-1919）的童话《奥芝国的巫师》（亦译《绿野仙踪》）里的人物。
3 The Link-Up
3 The Link-Up
Inside the Great Glass Elevator there was also a good deal ofexcitement. Charlie and Mr
Wonka and all the others could see clearly the huge silveryshape of Space Hotel 'U.S.A.'
about a mile ahead of them. And behind them was the smaller(but still pretty enormous)
Transport Capsule. The Great Glass Elevator (not looking at allgreat now beside these two
monsters) was in the middle. And of course everybody, evenGrandma Josephine, knew
very well what was going on. They even knew that the threeastronauts in charge of the
Transport Capsule were called Shuckworth, Shanks andShowler. The whole world knew
about these things. Newspapers and television had beenshouting about almost nothing else
for the past six months. Operation Space Hotel was the eventof the century.
'What a load of luck!' cried Mr Wonka. 'We've landedourselves slap in the middle of the biggest space operation ofall time!'
'We've landed ourselves in the middle of a nasty mess,' saidGrandma Josephine. 'Turn back at once!'
'No, Grandma,' said Charlie. 'We've got to watch it now. Wemust see the Transport Capsule linking up with the SpaceHotel.'
Mr Wonka floated right up close to Charlie. 'Let's beat them toit, Charlie,' he whispered. 'Let's get there first and go aboardthe Space Hotel ourselves!'
Charlie gaped. Then he gulped. Then he said softly, 'It'simpossible. You've got to have all sorts of special gadgets tolink up with another spacecraft, Mr Wonka.'
'My Elevator could link up with a crocodile if it had to,' saidMr Wonka. 'Just leave it to me, my boy!'
'Grandpa Joe!' cried Charlie. 'Did you hear that? We're goingto link up with the Space Hotel and go on board!'
'Yippeeeeee!' shouted Grandpa Joe. 'What a brilliant thought,sir! What a staggering idea!'
He grabbed Mr Wonka's hand and started shaking it like athermometer.
'Be quiet, you balmy old bat!' said Grandma Josephine. 'We'rein a hot enough stew already. I want to go home.'
'Me, too!' said Grandma Georgina.
'What if they come after us?' said Mr Bucket, speaking for thefirst time.
'What if they capture us?' said Mrs Bucket.
'What if they shoot us?' said Grandma Georgina.
'What if my beard were made of green spinach?' cried MrWonka. 'Bunkum and tummyrot! You'll never get anywhere ifyou go about what-iffing like that. Would Columbus havediscovered America if he'd said "What if I sink on the wayover? What if I meet pirates? What if I never come back?" Hewouldn't even have started. We want no what-iffers aroundhere, right, Charlie? Off we go, then. But wait … this is a verytricky manoeuvre and I'm going to need help. There are threelots of buttons we have to press all in different parts of theElevator. I shall take those two over there, the white and theblack.' Mr Wonka made a funny blowing noise with his mouthand glided effortlessly, like a huge bird, across the Elevator tothe white and black buttons, and there he hovered. 'GrandpaJoe, sir, kindly station yourself beside that silver button there …yes, that's the one … And you, Charlie, go up and stay floatingbeside that little golden button near the ceiling. I must tell youthat each of these buttons fires booster rockets from differentplaces outside the Elevator. That's how we change direction.
Grandpa Joe's rockets turn us to starboard, to the right.
Charlie's turn us to port, to the left. Mine make us go higheror lower or faster or slower. All ready?'
'No! Wait!' cried Charlie, who was floating exactly midwaybetween the floor and the ceiling. 'How do I get up? I can'tget up to the ceiling!' He was thrashing his arms and legsviolently, like a drowning swimmer, but getting nowhere.
'My dear boy,' said Mr Wonka. 'You can't swim in this stuff. Itisn't water, you know. It's air and very thin air at that. There'snothing to push against. So you have to use jet propulsion.
Watch me. First, you take a deep breath, then you make asmall round hole with your mouth and you blow as hard asyou can. If you blow downward, you jet-propel yourself up. Ifyou blow to the left, you shoot off to the right and so on. Youmanoeuvre yourself like a spacecraft, but using your mouth asa booster rocket.'
Suddenly everyone began practising this business of flyingabout, and the whole Elevator was filled with the blowings andsnortings of the passengers. Grandma Georgina, in her redflannel nightgown with two skinny bare legs sticking out of thebottom, was trumpeting and spitting like a rhinoceros and flyingfrom one side of the Elevator to the other, shouting 'Out ofmy way! Out of my way!' and crashing into poor Mr and MrsBucket with terrible speed. Grandpa George and GrandmaJosephine were doing the same. And well may you wonderwhat the millions of people down on earth were thinking asthey watched these crazy happenings on their television screens.
You must realize they couldn't see things very clearly. TheGreat Glass Elevator was only about the size of a grapefruit ontheir screens, and the people inside, slightly blurred through theglass, were no bigger than the pips of the grapefruit. Even so,the watchers below could see them buzzing about wildly likeinsects in a glass box.
'What in the world are they doing?' shouted the President ofthe United States, staring at the screen.
'Looks like some kind of a war-dance, Mr President,' answeredastronaut Showler over the radio.
'You mean they're Red Indians!' said the President.
'I didn't say that, sir.'
'Oh, yes you did, Showler.'
'Oh, no I didn't, Mr President.'
'Silence!' said the President. 'You're muddling me up.'
Back in the Elevator, Mr Wonka was saying, 'Please! Please!
Do stop flying about! Keep still everybody so we can get onwith the docking!'
'You miserable old mackerel!' said Grandma Georgina, sailingpast him. 'Just when we start having a bit of fun, you want tostop it!'
'Look at me, everybody!' shouted Grandma Josephine. 'I'mflying! I'm a golden eagle!'
'I can fly faster than any of you!' cried Grandpa George,whizzing round and round, his nightgown billowing out behindhim like the tail of a parrot.
'Grandpa George!' cried Charlie. 'Do please calm down. If wedon't hurry, those astronauts will get there before us. Don'tyou want to see inside the Space Hotel, any of you?'
'Out of my way!' shouted Grandma Georgina, blowing herselfback and forth. 'I'm a jumbo jet!'
'You're a balmy old bat!' said Mr Wonka.
In the end, the old people grew tired and out of breath, andeveryone settled quietly into a floating position.
'All set, Charlie and Grandpa Joe, sir?' said Mr Wonka.
'All set, Mr Wonka,' Charlie answered, hovering near the ceiling.
'I'll give the orders,' said Mr Wonka. 'I'm the pilot. Don't fireyour rockets until I tell you. And don't forget who is who.
Charlie, you're port. Grandpa Joe, you're starboard.' Mr Wonkapressed one of his own two buttons and immediately boosterrockets began firing underneath the Great Glass Elevator. TheElevator leaped forward, but swerved violently to the right.
'Hard a-port!' yelled Mr Wonka. Charlie pressed his button. Hisrockets fired. The Elevator swung back into line. 'Steady as yougo!' cried Mr Wonka. 'Starboard ten degrees! … Steady! …Steady! … Keep her there! …'
Soon they were hovering directly underneath the tail of theenormous silvery Space Hotel. 'You see that little square doorwith the bolts on it?' said Mr Wonka. 'That's the dockingentrance. It won't be long now … Port a fraction! … Steady! …Starboard a bit! … Good … Good … Easy does it … we'renearly there …'
To Charlie, it felt rather as though he were in a tiny row-boatunderneath the stern of the biggest ship in the world. TheSpace Hotel towered over them. It was enormous. 'I can'twait,' thought Charlie, 'to get inside and see what it's like.'
3　对接
3　对接
在大玻璃升降机里，气氛也非常紧张。查理、旺卡先生和其他人都清楚地看到了前面约一英里处的那座银光闪闪的巨型美国太空旅馆，而后面是一艘小型（但也相当大）的太空运输船。大玻璃升降机就夹在当中（夹在这两个庞然大物之间，它就一点也不大了）。现在所有的人，包括约瑟芬奶奶在内，都很清楚发生了什么事。他们甚至知道负责那艘太空运输船的三名宇航员叫沙克沃思、香克斯和肖勒。因为这件事全世界都知道。六个月以来，报纸和电视除了报道这件事以外，差不多什么别的事都不谈，因为发射太空旅馆是本世纪的一件大事。
“真是幸运之至！”旺卡先生叫道，“我们竟然介入了有史以来最庞大的宇航行动中！”
“我们是陷入了有史以来最糟糕的困境中。”约瑟芬奶奶说，“马上向后转！”
“不，奶奶，”查理说，“我们现在必须好好看看。我们一定要看看那太空运输船和那太空旅馆是怎样对接的。”
旺卡先生飘到查理的身边。“让我们抢先一步，查理，”他跟查理咬着耳朵说，“让我们先登上太空旅馆！”
查理连气都透不过来。他咽了一口口水，接着轻轻地说：“这是不可能的。我们要有各种专门的装置才能和另一艘宇宙飞船对接啊，旺卡先生。”
“必要时我这架升降机还能和鳄鱼对接呢。”旺卡先生说，“孩子，这件事就交给我吧！”
“约瑟夫爷爷，”查理叫道，“你听到吗？我们要和那太空旅馆对接，还要登上去呢！”
“万万万万万万万岁！”约瑟夫爷爷大叫，“旺卡先生，这是一个多么出色的想法呀！一个多么惊人的主意呀！”他一把抓住旺卡先生的手，像甩体温计一样摇个不停。
“你给我住手，你这个老笨蛋！”约瑟芬奶奶说，“我们已经够骑虎难下的了。我要回家！”
“我也要回家！”乔治娜姥姥说。
“万一他们来追我们可怎么办？”巴克特先生第一次开口说话。
“万一他们捉住了我们可怎么办？”巴克特太太问道。
“万一他们开枪打我们可怎么办？”乔治娜姥姥说。
“万一我的胡子是菠菜可怎么办？”旺卡先生叫道，“都是空话，废话。老是这样‘万一怎么怎么的可怎么办’，那你们就什么也办不成了。你们想想，哥伦布如果一直说‘万一船在半路上沉了可怎么办’，‘万一碰到海盗可怎么办’，‘万一我一去不回可怎么办’，那他会发现美洲吗？
他甚至不会动身去航海。我们这里不要什么‘万一怎么怎么的可怎么办’，对吗，查理？那么我们动手干吧。不过等一等……这件事做起来十分棘手。我需要人帮点忙。在这升降机的不同部分有三组按钮要按。我按那边一组，那白的和黑的两个。”旺卡先生用嘴发出了一个滑稽的吹气声，然后像只大鸟一样轻轻地飘到了白按钮和黑按钮那里，他仍旧打着转说，“约瑟夫爷爷，请你靠近那边一个银色的按钮……对了，就是那个……还有你，查理，飘到靠近天花板的金色按钮那里。我必须告诉你们，每一个按钮将会从升降机外部不同的地方发射助推火箭。我们就是这样改变方向的。约瑟夫爷爷那边的按钮控制的火箭使我们向右转；查理的按钮控制的火箭使我们向左转；我的按钮控制的火箭使我们或高或低，或快或慢。你们都准备好了吗？”
“没有，请等一等！”查理说。他飘在地板和天花板的正中间。“我可怎么上去呢？我飘不上天花板！”他拼命地划动他的手和脚，像一个溺水的人，可是怎么也飘不上去。
“我亲爱的孩子，”旺卡先生说，“在这种情况下你不能游泳。你要知道这不是水，这是空气，而且是非常稀薄的空气。没有东西可以推动你，因此你必须使用喷气推进法。你看着我。首先，你必须深深地吸气，然后把嘴鼓成一个小圆孔，再用尽力气把气喷出来。如果向下喷，你就会向上升。如果向左喷，你就会向右飞，照此类推。你也就像宇宙飞船那样飞行了，只不过你是用嘴做助推火箭。”
一下子所有的人开始练习这个飞行规则，于是整架升降机里充满了乘客吹气和哼气的声音。乔治娜姥姥穿着她的法兰绒睡袍，下面露出两条瘦骨嶙峋的光溜溜的腿，正在像犀牛那样吹气，从升降机的一头飞到另一头，一路上叫着：“让开！让开！不要挡住我的路！”她以惊人的速度一头撞到可怜的巴克特先生和太太身上。乔治姥爷和约瑟芬奶奶也同样地忙活着。你能想象到地球上千百万人在电视荧光屏上看到这种疯狂的情景会怎么想。不过你必须知道，他们看不清楚。玻璃大升降机映在荧光屏上只有一颗葡萄那么大，升降机里的人就不会比葡萄核大多少，而且隔着玻璃，根本看不清。即使如此，地球上的观众还是能够看到他们像发疯似的窜来窜去，像些小虫子在玻璃盒里蠕动。
“他们在干什么呀？”美国总统看着荧光屏叫起来。
“像是跳一种什么战舞，总统先生。”肖勒通过无线电回答。
“你是说他们是印第安人！”总统说。
“我可没有那么说，总统先生。”
“噢，你说了，肖勒！”
“噢，不！我没有说，总统先生。”
“别吵了！”总统说，“你把我弄糊涂了。”
再回过头来看升降机里面吧。旺卡先生正在说：“求求你们！求求你们！请停止飞来飞去！请大家保持安静，好让我们对接！”
“你这可怜的老鲭鱼！”乔治娜姥姥飘过他身旁时说道，“我们刚开始有一点儿乐趣，你就打断了我们！”
“大家看看我吧！”约瑟芬奶奶叫道，“我在飞了！我是一只金鹰！”
“我比你们哪一个都飞得快！”乔治姥爷叫着，飞来飞去，睡袍在他身后飘起来像一只鹦鹉的尾巴。
“乔治姥爷！”查理叫道，“请你安静下来。如果我们不赶快点，那些宇航员就要比我们先到一步了。你们有谁不想看看太空旅馆的内部吗？”
“别挡住我的路！”乔治娜姥姥吹着气飞来飞去，一路上大叫大嚷，“我是一架大型喷气客机！”
“你是一只傻头傻脑的老蝙蝠！”旺卡先生说。
最后，几位老人家飞累了，连气也喘不过来了，便全都静静地悬在空中。
“查理，约瑟夫爷爷，你们都准备好了吗？”旺卡先生问道。
“都准备好了，旺卡先生。”查理回答说，在天花板附近盘旋着。
“我是驾驶员，让我来下命令。”旺卡先生说，“我叫发射火箭你们才可以发射。不要忘记了自己的职责。查理，你管左舷。约瑟夫爷爷，你管右舷。”旺卡先生按下两个按钮中的一个，大玻璃升降机底下马上发射出助推火箭。升降机向前冲，但猛向右转。“用力按左舷按钮！”旺卡先生叫道。查理按下按钮，他的助推火箭发射了。升降机立即恢复正常。“慢慢地按！”旺卡先生叫道，“右舷十度……停！停！让它停在那里……”
他们很快就盘旋在巨大的银色太空旅馆尾部底下。“你们看见那道小方门吗，上面有插头的？”旺卡先生说，“那是接合口。快了……向左一点……停！向右一点！好……好……很容易，对吗？我们差不多到了……”
查理觉得他好像坐在一只小船上，在世界上最大的轮船的尾部底下。太空旅馆其大无比，像个庞然大物雄踞在他们头顶上。“我等不及了。”查理心里说，“我要进去看看它是什么样子的。”
4 The President
4 The President
Half a mile back, Shuckworth, Shanks and Showler werekeeping the television camera aimed all the time at the GlassElevator. And across the world, millions and millions of peoplewere clustered around their TV screens, watching tensely thedrama being acted out two hundred and forty miles above theearth. In his study in the White House sat Lancelot R.
Gilligrass, President of the United States of America, the mostpowerful man on Earth. In this moment of crisis, all his mostimportant advisers had been summoned urgently to hispresence, and there they all were now, following closely on thegiant television screen every move made by thisdangerous-looking glass capsule and its eight desperate-lookingastronauts. The entire Cabinet was present. The Chief of theArmy was there, together with four other generals. There wasthe Chief of the Navy and the Chief of the Air Force and asword-swallower from Afghanistan, who was the President's bestfriend. There was the President's Chief Financial Adviser, whowas standing in the middle of the room trying to balance thebudget on top of his head, but it kept falling off. Standingnearest of all to the President was the Vice-President, a hugelady of eighty-nine with a whiskery chin. She had been thePresident's nurse when he was a baby and her name wasMiss Tibbs. Miss Tibbs was the power behind the throne. Shestood no nonsense from anyone. Some people said she was asstrict with the President now as when he was a little boy. Shewas the terror of the White House and even the Head of theSecret Service broke into a sweat when summoned to herpresence. Only the President was allowed to call her Nanny.
The President's famous cat, Mrs Taubsypuss, was also in theroom.
There was absolute silence now in the Presidential study. Alleyes were riveted on the TV screen as the small glass object,with its booster-rockets firing, slid smoothly up behind the giantSpace Hotel.
'They're going to link up!' shouted the President. 'They're goingon board our Space Hotel!'
'They're going to blow it up!' cried the Chief of the Army.
'Let's blow them up first, crash bang wallop
bang-bang-bang-bang.' The Chief of the Army was wearing somany medal-ribbons they covered the entire front of his tunicon both sides and spread down on to his trousers as well.
'Come on, Mr P.,' he said. 'Let's have some really super-duperexplosions!'
'Silence, you silly boy!' said Miss Tibbs, and the Chief of theArmy slunk into a corner.
'Listen,' said the President. 'The point is this. Who are they?
And where do they come from? Where's my Chief Spy?'
'Here, sir, Mr President, sir!' said the Chief Spy.
He had a false moustache, a false beard, false eyelashes, falseteeth and a falsetto voice.
'Knock-Knock,' said the President.
'Who's there?' said the Chief Spy.
'Courteney.'
'Courteney who?'
'Courteney one yet?' said the President.
There was a brief silence. 'The President asked you a question,'
said Miss Tibbs in an icy voice. 'Have you Courteney one yet?'
'No, ma'am, not yet,' said the Chief Spy, beginning to twitch.
'Well, here's your chance,' snarled Miss Tibbs.
'Quite right,' said the President. 'Tell me immediately who thosepeople are in that glass capsule!'
'Ah-ha,' said the Chief Spy, twirling his false moustache. 'That isa very difficult question.' 'You mean you don't know?'
'I mean I do know, Mr President. At least I think I know.
Listen. We have just launched the finest hotel in the world.
Right?'
'Right!'
'And who is so madly jealous of this wonderful hotel of oursthat he wants to blow it up?'
'Miss Tibbs,' said the President.
'Wrong,' said the Chief Spy. 'Try again.'
'Well,' said the President, thinking deeply. 'In that case, could itnot perhaps be some other hotel owner who is envious of ourlovely hotel?'
'Brilliant!' cried the Chief Spy. 'Go on, sir! You're getting warm!'
'It's Mr Savoy!' said the President.
'Warmer and warmer, Mr President!'
'Mr Ritz!'
'You're hot, sir! You're boiling hot! Go on!'
'I've got it!' cried the President. 'It's Mr Hilton!'
'Well done, sir!' said the Chief Spy.
'Are you sure it's him?'
'Not sure, but it's certainly a warm possibility, Mr President.
After all, Mr Hilton's got hotels in just about every country inthe world but he hasn't got one in space. And we have. Hemust be madder than a maggot!'
'By gum, we'll soon fix this!' snapped the President, grabbingone of the eleven telephones on his desk. 'Hello!' he said intothe phone. 'Hello hello hello! Where's the operator?' He jiggledfuriously on the little thing you jiggle when you want theoperator. 'Operator, where are you?'
'They won't answer you now,' said Miss Tibbs. 'They're allwatching television.'
'Well, this one'll answer!' said the President, snatching up abright red telephone. This was the hot line direct to thePremier of Soviet Russia in Moscow. It was always open andonly used in terrible emergencies. 'It's just as likely to be theRussians as Mr Hilton,' the President went on. 'Don't youagree, Nanny?'
'It's bound to be the Russians,' said Miss Tibbs.
'Premier Yugetoff speaking,' said the voice from Moscow.
'What's on your mind, Mr President?'
'Knock-Knock,' said the President.
'Who's there?' said the Soviet Premier.
'Warren.'
'Warren who?'
'Warren Peace by Leo Tolstoy,' said the President. 'Now seehere, Yugetoff! You get those astronauts of yours off thatSpace Hotel of ours this instant! Otherwise, I'm afraid we'regoing to have to show you just where you get off, Yugetoff!'
'Those astronauts are not Russians, Mr President.' 'He's lying,'
said Miss Tibbs. 'You're lying,' said the President.
'Not lying, sir,' said Premier Yugetoff. 'Have you looked closelyat those astronauts in the glass box? I myself cannot see themtoo clearly on my TV screen, but one of them, the little onewith the pointed beard and the top hat, has a distinctlyChinese look about him. In fact, he reminds me very much ofmy friend the Prime Minister of China …'
'Great garbage!' cried the President, slamming down the redphone and picking up a porcelain one. The porcelain phonewent direct to the Head of the Chinese Republic in Peking.
'Hello hello hello!' said the President.
'Wing's Fish and Vegetable Store in Shanghai,' said a smalldistant voice. 'Mr Wing speaking.'
'Nanny!' cried the President, banging down the phone. 'Ithought this was a direct line to the Premier!'
'It is,' said Miss Tibbs. 'Try again.'
The President picked up the receiver. 'Hello!' he yelled.
'Mr Wong speaking,' said a voice at the other end.
'Mister Who?' screamed the President.
'Mr Wong, assistant stationmaster, Chungking, and if you askingabout ten o'clock tlain, ten o'clock tlain no lunning today. Boilerburst.'
The President threw the phone across the room at thePostmaster General. It hit him in the stomach. 'What's thematter with this thing?' shouted the President.
'It is very difficult to phone people in China, Mr President,' saidthe Postmaster General. 'The country's so full of Wings andWongs, every time you wing you get the wong number.'
'You're not kidding,' said the President.
The Postmaster General replaced the telephone on the desk.
'Try it just once more, Mr President, please,' he said. 'I'vetightened the screws underneath.'
The President again picked up the receiver.
'Gleetings, honourable Mr Plesident,' said a soft faraway voice.
'Here is Assistant-Plemier Chu-On-Dat speaking. How can I dofor you?'
'Knock-Knock,' said the President. 'Who der?' 'Ginger.' 'Gingerwho?'
'Ginger yourself much when you fell off the Great Wall ofChina?' said the President. 'Okay, Chu-On-Dat. Let me speak toPremier How-Yu-Bin.'
'Much regret Plemier How-Yu-Bin not here just this second,Mr Plesident.'
'Where is he?'
'He outside mending a puncture on his bicycle.'
'Oh no he isn't,' said the President. 'You can't fool me, youcrafty old mandarin! At this very minute he's boarding ourmagnificent Space Hotel with seven other rascals to blow it up!'
'Excuse pleese, Mr Plesident. You make big mistake …'
'No mistake!' barked the President. 'And if you don't call themoff right away I'm going to tell my Chief of the Army to blowthem all sky high! So chew on that, Chu-On-Dat!'
'Hooray!' said the Chief of the Army. 'Let's blow everyone up!
Bang-bang! Bang-bang!' 'Silence!' barked Miss Tibbs.
'I've done it!' cried the Chief Financial Adviser. 'Look at me,everybody! I've balanced the budget!' And indeed he had. Hestood proudly in the middle of the room with the enormous200 billion dollar budget balanced beautifully on the top of hisbald head. Everyone clapped. Then suddenly the voice ofastronaut Shuckworth cut in urgently on the radio loudspeakerin the President's study. 'They've linked up and gone onboard!' shouted Shuckworth. 'And they've taken in the bed … Imean the bomb!'
The President sucked in his breath sharply. He also sucked ina big fly that happened to be passing at the time. He choked.
Miss Tibbs thumped him on the back. He swallowed the flyand felt better. But he was very angry. He seized pencil andpaper and began to draw a picture. As he drew, he keptmuttering, 'I won't have flies in my office! I won't put up withthem!' His advisers waited eagerly. They knew that the greatman was about to give the world yet another of his brilliantinventions. The last had been the Gilligrass Left-handedCorkscrew which had been hailed by left-handers across thenation as one of the greatest blessings of the century.
'There you are!' said the President, holding up the paper. 'Thisis the Gilligrass Patent Fly-Trap!' They all crowded round tolook.
'The fly climbs up the ladder on the left,' said the President.
'He walks along the plank. He stops. He sniffs. He smellssomething good. He peers over the edge and sees thesugar-lump. "Ah-ha!" he cries. "Sugar!" He is just about toclimb down the string to reach it when he sees the basin ofwater below. "Ho-ho!" he says. "It's a trap! They want me tofall in!" So he walks on, thinking what a clever fly he is. Butas you see, I have left out one of the rungs in the ladder hegoes down by, so he falls and breaks his neck.'
'Tremendous, Mr President!' they all exclaimed. 'Fantastic! Astroke of genius!'
'I wish to order one hundred thousand for the Armyimmediately,' said the Chief of the Army.
'Thank you,' said the President, making a careful note of theorder.
'I repeat,' said the frantic voice of Shuckworth over theloudspeaker. 'They've gone on board and taken the bomb withthem!'
'Stay well clear of them, Shuckworth,' ordered the President.
'There's no point in getting your boys blown up as well.'
And now, all over the world, the millions of watchers waitedmore tensely than ever in front of their television sets. Thepicture on their screens, in vivid colour, showed the sinisterlittle glass box securely linked up to the underbelly of thegigantic Space Hotel. It looked like some tiny baby animalclinging to its mother. And when the camera zoomed closer, itwas clear for all to see that the glass box was completelyempty. All eight of the desperadoes had climbed into the SpaceHotel and they had taken their bomb with them.
4　总统
4　总统
在离太空旅馆半英里的地方，沙克沃思、香克斯和肖勒继续让电视摄像机一直对准了玻璃升降机。在下面，全世界千百万人围着他们的电视荧光屏，紧张地看着离地面二百四十英里的上空正在上演的大戏。美国总统兰斯洛特•R•吉利格拉斯，地球上最具影响力的人物，正坐在白宫他的书房内。在这个危机重重的时刻，他所有最重要的顾问都紧急聚集到他这里来，在大电视机的荧光屏前面，注视着那危险的玻璃太空船和它里面八名不怕死的宇航员的一举一动。在场的包括了全体内阁大员。陆军部长来了，还带来了四位将军。海军部长、空军部长都来了。一位阿富汗的吞剑大师也来了，他是总统最要好的朋友。在场的还有总统的财政总顾问，他站在房间当中，正试着怎样用头顶来平衡国家预算，但总是不成功。离总统最近的是副总统，一位八十九岁、身材高大的女士，下巴上长着细胡子。总统还是个吃奶的孩子时，她是他的保姆，名字叫做蒂布斯小姐。蒂布斯小姐是幕后的当权人物，大家对她不敢等闲视之。有人说她对总统很严格，就如同他还是个小孩子时一样。她是白宫的女霸王，连情报局的头子碰到她，被她叫去时也要出一身冷汗。只有总统可以叫她阿姨。总统的猫，著名的陶布茜猫太太，也在房间里。
此时，总统的书房里寂静无声。所有的眼睛都盯住了电视荧光屏，看着那小玻璃箱发射出助推火箭，在巨型太空旅馆后面快速地向上升起。
“它们要对接了！”总统大叫起来，“那些人要登上我们的太空旅馆了！”
“他们要去炸掉它！”陆军部长叫道，“让我们先炸掉他们吧，嘭嘭嘭嘭嘭！”这位陆军部长佩戴着许多奖章绶带，它们把他紧身上衣的胸前两边盖满了，一直盖到了他的裤子那里。“下令吧，总统先生。”他说，“让我们来一次真正的特大爆炸！”
“闭嘴，你这傻小子！”蒂布斯小姐说。陆军部长连忙溜到屋角去了。
“你们听着，”总统说，“关键问题在这里。他们是谁？他们是从哪里来的？我的情报负责人在哪里？”
“在这里，总统先生！”间谍头子说。
他装着两撇假的八字胡、一把假的胡须、两道假眼睫毛、一副假牙，用的是假嗓音。
“门儿敲敲。”总统说。
“外面是谁？”间谍头子说。
“戴主。”
“哪个戴主？”
“戴主一个没有？”总统说。
沉默片刻。“总统是问你，”蒂布斯小姐用冷冰冰的声音说，“你逮住一个没有？”
“没有，蒂布斯小姐，还没有。”间谍头子说，浑身开始哆嗦。
“好，你立功的机会来了。”蒂布斯小姐生气地说。
“对，”总统说，“马上告诉我，在那玻璃太空船里的是些什么人？”
“这个嘛……”间谍头子捻着他的假八字胡子说，“这是一个非常难的难题。”
“你是说你不知道？”
“我是说我知道，总统先生。至少我认为我知道。请听我说，我们刚把世界上最好的旅馆发射上了天，对吗？”
“对！”
“谁最妒忌这家了不起的旅馆，想要把它炸掉呢？”
“蒂布斯小姐。”总统说。
“错了，”间谍头子说，“请再猜一次。”
“那么，”总统说着埋头苦思冥想，“会不会是一个旅馆老板，他妒忌我们这家豪华的大旅馆？”
“回答得好！”间谍头子叫道，“请说下去，总统先生！你开始接近了！”
“是萨沃伊先生！”总统说。
“愈来愈近了，总统先生！”
“里兹先生！”
“近极了，总统先生！近得不能再近了，请说下去！”
“我想出来了！”总统叫道，“是希尔顿先生！”
“说得对，总统先生！”间谍头子说。
“你断定是他吗？”
“还不能断定，但肯定极有可能，总统先生。虽然希尔顿先生几乎在全世界每一个国家都开设了希尔顿旅馆，但是在太空还没有。我们却抢先了一步。他一定气得比一个疯子还要疯！”
“老天爷作证，让我们解决这件事！”总统生气地说，抓起写字台上十一个电话中的一个。“哈啰！”他对着电话说，“哈啰！哈啰！哈啰！接线生在哪里？”他狠狠地按着叫唤接线生时要按的那个小玩意儿，“接线生，你在哪里？”
“她们现在不会回答你。”蒂布斯小姐说，“她们全都在看电视。”
“那么，这一个一定会回答！”总统抓起一个鲜红的电话。这是直通莫斯科总理的热线电话。它一直通着，但只有在事情十万火急时才用。“俄国人和希尔顿同样有可能做这件事。”总统说，“你不同意吗，阿姨？”
“一定是俄国人。”蒂布斯小姐说。
“我是尼利凯巴总理，”莫斯科那边说，“有什么事，总统先生？”
“门儿敲敲。”总统说。
“外面是谁？”总理说。
“詹正宇。”
“哪个詹正宇？”
“列夫•托尔斯泰写的《詹正宇和平》 [1] 。”总统说，“请听我说，尼利凯巴！你快命令你那些宇航员立刻离开我们的太空旅馆吧！否则我们只好对你们不客气了，尼利凯巴！”
“那些宇航员不是俄国人，总统先生。”
“他在说谎。”蒂布斯小姐说。
“你在说谎。”总统说。
“我没有说谎，总统先生。”尼利凯巴总理说，“你仔细看过玻璃箱里那些宇航员吗？我在电视荧光屏上不能把他们看得太清楚……”
“一点没有错！”总统大叫，“如果你不马上把他们叫回来，我这就命令我的陆军部长把他们在高空上就地炸掉！好好考虑考虑吧！”
“万岁！”陆军部长说，“把上面的人炸个精光！嘭嘭！嘭嘭！”
“别吵！”蒂布斯小姐呵斥他。
“我成功了！”财政总顾问叫起来，“大家看我！我已经把预算平衡了！”真的，他成功了。他得意地站在房间当中，把两百亿美元的预算账册很均匀地平衡在他的秃顶上。所有的人劈里啪啦地鼓掌。就在这时候，宇航员沙克沃思的声音在总统书房的收音机扩音器里紧急地插进来。“他们已经对接，登上去了！”沙克沃思叫道，“他们已经把床……我是说炸弹带进去了！”
总统张开嘴深深地吸了一口气，正好把一只恰巧飞过的大苍蝇吸到了嘴里，把他呛住了。蒂布斯小姐拍拍他的背。他把苍蝇吞了下去，这才舒服了一些，但他非常生气。他拿一支铅笔和一张纸，开始在纸上画图。他一面画一面嘀咕：“我不容许我的办公室里有苍蝇！我不能容忍它们！”他的顾问们焦急地等待着。他们知道这位大人物将向全世界献上他的另一项出色的发明。他的上一项发明是“吉利格拉斯左手开塞钻”，全国的左撇子们曾经称誉它是本世纪最伟大的发明之一。
“好了！”总统把纸举起来说，“这是吉利格拉斯专利捕蝇器！”所有的人都围上来看。
“苍蝇从左边爬上梯子，”总统说，“它顺着跳板走过去，然后停下来，吸一吸鼻子，它闻到了美味。它朝跳板边望下去，看见了那块方糖。‘啊哈！’它叫道，‘糖！’它正要爬下绳子到糖那儿去，忽然看见了下面的一盆水。‘呵呵！’它说，‘这是一个圈套！他们要我跌下去！’于是它向前走，自以为是一只聪明的苍蝇。但是正如你们看到的，我让它下来的梯子缺了一根横木，于是它跌下来，把脖子也摔断了。”
“了不起，总统先生！”大家叫道，“想象力丰富！天才之作！”
“我希望为陆军马上订购十万个。”陆军部长说。
“谢谢！”总统说着，仔细地记下了这笔订货。
“我再说一遍，”扩音器里传来沙克沃思激动的声音，“他们已经登上太空旅馆，还把炸弹带了进去！”
“离他们远一点，沙克沃思。”总统吩咐说，“不要把你们也炸掉了。”
这时候，全世界千百万观众都非常紧张地在电视机前面等着。电视荧光屏上的画面色彩鲜艳，清楚地显示出那个古怪的小玻璃箱正安全地接合到巨大的太空旅馆的底部，看上去像是一只幼小的动物依偎在它母亲的身上。当摄像机再移近一点时，大家都清楚地看到玻璃箱现在完全空了。八个暴徒全都登上了太空旅馆，把他们的炸弹也带进去了。
[1]指俄国文豪列夫•托尔斯泰的小说《战争与和平》。这里是说暗语。
5 Men from Mars
5 Men from Mars
There was no floating inside the Space Hotel. Thegravity-making machine saw to that. So
once the docking had been triumphantly achieved, Mr Wonka,Charlie, Grandpa Joe and
Mr and Mrs Bucket were able to walk out of the Great GlassElevator into the lobby of the
Hotel. As for Grandpa George, Grandma Georgina andGrandma Josephine, none of them
had had their feet on the ground for over twenty years andthey certainly weren't going to
change their habits now. So when the floating stopped, they allthree plopped right back
into bed again and insisted that the bed, with them in it, bepushed into the Space Hotel.
Charlie gazed around the huge lobby. On the floor there was athick green carpet. Twenty tremendous chandeliers hungshimmering from the ceiling. The walls were covered withvaluable pictures and there were big soft armchairs all over theplace. At the far end of the room there were the doors of fivelifts. The group stared in silence at all this luxury. Nobodydared speak. Mr Wonka had warned them that every wordthey uttered would be picked up by Space Control in Houston,so they had better be careful. A faint humming noise camefrom somewhere below the floor, but that only made thesilence more spooky. Charlie took hold of Grandpa Joe's handand held it tight. He wasn't sure he liked this very much. Theyhad broken into the greatest machine ever built by man, theproperty of the United States Government, and if they werediscovered and captured as they surely must be in the end,what would happen to them then? Jail for life? Yes, orsomething worse.
Mr Wonka was writing on a little pad. He held up the pad. Itsaid: ANYBODY HUNGRY?
The three old ones in the bed began waving their arms andnodding and opening and shutting their mouths. Mr Wonkaturned the paper over. On the other side it said: THEKITCHENS OF THIS HOTEL ARE LOADED WITH LUSCIOUSFOOD, LOBSTERS, STEAKS, ICE-CREAM. WE SHALL HAVEA FEAST TO END ALL FEASTS.
Suddenly, a tremendous booming voice came out of aloudspeaker hidden somewhere in the room. 'ATTENTION!'
boomed the voice and Charlie jumped. So did Grandpa Joe.
Everybody jumped, even Mr Wonka. 'ATTENTION THEEIGHT FOREIGN ASTRONAUTS! THIS IS SPACE CONTROLIN HOUSTON, TEXAS, U.S.A.! YOU ARE TRESPASSING ONAMERICAN PROPERTY! YOU ARE ORDERED TO IDENTIFYYOURSELVES IMMEDIATELY! SPEAK NOW!'
'Ssshhh!' whispered Mr Wonka, finger to lips.
There followed a few seconds of awful silence. Nobody movedexcept Mr Wonka who kept saying 'Ssshhh! Ssshhh!'
'WHO … ARE … YOU?' boomed the voice from Houston, andthe whole world heard it. 'I REPEAT … WHO … ARE …YOU?' shouted the urgent angry voice, and five hundred millionpeople crouched in front of their television sets waiting for ananswer to come from the mysterious strangers inside the SpaceHotel. The television was not able to show a picture of thesemysterious strangers. There was no camera in there to recordthe scene. Only the words came through. The TV watcherssaw nothing but the outside of the giant hotel in orbit,photographed of course by Shuckworth, Shanks and Showlerwho were following behind. For half a minute the world waitedfor a reply.
But no reply came.
'SPEAK!' boomed the voice, getting louder and louder andending in a fearful frightening shout that rattled Charlie'seardrums. 'SPEAK! SPEAK! SPEAK!' Grandma Georgina shotunder the sheet. Grandma Josephine stuck her fingers in herears. Grandpa George buried his head in the pillow. Mr andMrs Bucket, both petrified, were once again in each other'sarms. Charlie was clutching Grandpa Joe's hand, and the twoof them were staring at Mr Wonka and begging him with theireyes to do something. Mr Wonka stood very still, and althoughhis face looked calm, you can be quite sure his clever inventivebrain was spinning like a dynamo.
'THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE!' boomed the voice. 'WE AREASKING YOU ONCE MORE … WHO … ARE … YOU? REPLYIMMEDIATELY! IF YOU DO NOT REPLY WE SHALL BE
FORCED TO REGARD YOU AS DANGEROUS ENEMIES. WESHALL THEN PRESS THE EMERGENCY FREEZER SWITCHAND THE TEMPERATURE IN THE SPACE HOTEL WILL
drop TO MINUS ONE HUNDRED DEGREES CENTIGRADE.
ALL OF YOU WILL BE INSTANTLY DEEP FROZEN. YOUHAVE FIFTEEN SECONDS TO SPEAK. AFTER THAT YOUWILL TURN INTO ICICLES … ONE … TWO … THREE …'
'Grandpa!' whispered Charlie as the counting continued, 'wemust do something! We must! Quick!'
'SIX!' said the voice. 'SEVEN! … EIGHT! … NINE! …'
Mr Wonka had not moved. He was still gazing straight ahead,still quite cool, perfectly expressionless. Charlie and Grandpa Joewere staring at him in horror. Then, all at once, they saw thetiny twinkling wrinkles of a smile appear around the corners ofhis eyes. He sprang to life. He spun round on his toes,skipped a few paces across the floor and then, in a frenziedunearthly sort of scream he cried, 'FIMBO FEEZ!'
The loudspeaker stopped counting. There was silence. All overthe world there was silence.
Charlie's eyes were riveted on Mr Wonka. He was going tospeak again. He was taking a deep breath. 'BUNGO BUNI!' hescreamed. He put so much force into his voice that the effortlifted him right up on to the tips of his toes.
'BUNGO BUNIDAFU DUNI
YUBEE LUNI!'
Again the silence.
The next time Mr Wonka spoke, the words came out so fastand sharp and loud they were like bullets from a machine-gun.
'ZOONK-ZOONK-ZOONK-ZOONK-ZOONK!' he barked. Thenoise echoed around and around the lobby of the Space Hotel.
It echoed around the world.
Mr Wonka now turned and faced the far end of the lobbywhere the loudspeaker voice had come from. He walked a fewpaces forward as a man would, perhaps, who wanted a moreintimate conversation with his audience. And this time, the tonewas much quieter, the words came more slowly, but there wasa touch of steel in every syllable:
'KIRASUKU MALIBUKU,
WEEBEE WIZE UN YUBEE KUKU!
ALIPEND A KAKAMEND A,PANTZ FORLDUN IFNO
SUSPENDA!
FUIKIKA KANDERIKA,WEEBE STRONGA YUBEE
WEEKA!POPOKOTA BORUMOKAVERI RISKI YU PROVOKA!
КАТIKАТ1 MOONS UN STARSFANFANISHA VENUS MARS!'
Mr Wonka paused dramatically for a few seconds. Then hetook an enormous deep breath and in a wild and fearsomevoice, he yelled out:
'KITIMBIBI ZOONK!FUMBOLEEZI ZOONK!GUGUMIZA
ZOONK!FUMIKAKA ZOONK!ANAPOLALA ZOONK ZOONK
ZOONK!'
The effect of all this on the world below was electric. In theControl Room in Houston, in the White House in Washington,in palaces and city buildings and mountain shacks fromAmerica to China to Peru, the five hundred million people whoheard that wild and fearsome voice yelling out these strangeand mystic words all shivered with fear before their televisionsets. Everybody began turning to everybody else and saying,'Who are they? What language was that? Where do they comefrom?'
In the President's study in the White House, Vice-PresidentTibbs, the members of the Cabinet, the Chiefs of the Army andthe Navy and the Air Force, the sword-swallower fromAfghanistan, the Chief Financial Adviser and Mrs Taubsypussthe cat, all stood tense and rigid. They were very much afraid.
But the President himself kept a cool head and a clear brain.
'Nanny!' he cried. 'Oh, Nanny, what on earth do we do now?'
'I'll get you a nice warm glass of milk,' said Miss Tibbs.
'I hate the stuff,' said the President. 'Please don't make medrink it!'
'Summon the Chief Interpreter,' said Miss Tibbs.
'Summon the Chief Interpreter!' said the President. 'Where ishe?'
'Right here, Mr President,' said the Chief Interpreter.
'What language was that creature spouting up there in theSpace Hotel? Be quick! Was it Eskimo?'
'Not Eskimo, Mr President.'
'Ha! Then it was Tagalog! Either Tagalog or Ugro!'
'Not Tagalog, Mr President. Not Ugro, either.'
'Was it Tulu, then? Or Tungus or Tupi?'
'Definitely not Tulu, Mr President. And I'm quite sure it wasn'tTungus or Tupi.'
'Don't stand there telling him what it wasn't, you idiot!' saidMiss Tibbs. 'Tell him what it was!'
'Yes, ma'am, Miss Vice-President, ma'am,' said the ChiefInterpreter, beginning to shake. 'Believe me, Mr President,' hewent on, 'it was not a language I have ever heard before.'
'But I thought you knew every language in the world?' 'I do,Mr President.'
'Don't lie to me, Chief Interpreter. How can you possibly knowevery language in the world when you don't know this one?'
'It is not a language of this world, Mr President.'
'Nonsense, man!' barked Miss Tibbs. 'I understood some of itmyself!'
'These people, Miss Vice-President, ma'am, have obviously triedto learn just a few of our easier words, but the rest of it is alanguage that has never been heard before on this Earth!'
'Screaming scorpions!' cried the President. 'You mean to tell methey could be coming from … from … from somewhere else?'
'Precisely, Mr President.' 'Like where?' said the President.
'Who knows?' said the Chief Interpreter. 'But did you notnotice, Mr President, how they used the words Venus andMars?'
'Of course I noticed it,' said the President. 'But what's that gotto do with it? … Ah-ha! I see what you're driving at! Goodgracious me! Men from Mars!'
'And Venus,' said the Chief Interpreter. 'That,' said thePresident, 'could make for trouble.' 'I'll say it could!' said theChief Interpreter. 'He wasn't talking to you,' said Miss Tibbs.
'What do we do now, General?' said the President. 'Blow 'emup!' cried the General.
'You're always wanting to blow things up,' said the Presidentcrossly. 'Can't you think of something else?'
'I like blowing things up,' said the General. 'It makes such alovely noise. Woomph-woomph!'
'Don't be a fool!' said Miss Tibbs. 'If you blow these people up,Mars will declare war on us!
So will Venus!'
'Quite right, Nanny,' said the President. 'We'd be troculated liketurkeys, every one of us! We'd be mashed like potatoes!'
'I'll take 'em on!' shouted the Chief of the Army.
'Shut up!' snapped Miss Tibbs. 'You're fired!'
'Hooray!' said all the other generals. 'Well done, MissVice-President, ma'am!'
Miss Tibbs said, 'We've got to treat these fellows gently. Theone who spoke just now sounded extremely cross. We've gotto be polite to them, butter them up, make them happy. Thelast thing we want is to be invaded by men from Mars! You'vegot to talk to them, Mr President. Tell Houston we wantanother direct radio link with the Space Hotel. And hurry!'
5　火星来客
5　火星来客
在太空旅馆里人不再飘来飘去，这是因为重力制造机起了作用。因此，当对接顺利地完成以后，旺卡先生、查理、约瑟夫爷爷、巴克特先生和太太就能走出大玻璃升降机，进入旅馆的大厅。至于乔治姥爷、乔治娜姥姥和约瑟芬奶奶，他们二十多年来一直没有下过床，现在当然也不会改变这个习惯。他们不再飘来飘去时，全都正好落到床上，因此他们坚决要求把他们连床推进太空旅馆。
查理环顾偌大的旅馆大厅。大厅地上铺着绿色的厚地毯，二十盏枝形大吊灯从天花板上吊下来，闪闪烁烁，墙上挂着名贵的画，四周还摆着柔软的大扶手椅。大厅尽头有五道电梯门。这一群人默默地站在那里，看着这些豪华的设备。没有人敢说话。旺卡先生警告过他们，他们说的每一个字都会被休斯敦的太空控制中心人员收听到，因此他们觉得还是小心点好。一阵微弱的嗡嗡声从地板下什么地方传来，这比寂静更加可怕。查理抓紧约瑟夫爷爷的手。他说不准他是不是喜欢到这里来。他们擅自闯进了有史以来人类制造的最伟大的机器。
这是美国政府的财产，如果他们被发现，并被逮住（这是免不了的），后果究竟会怎样呢？
终身监禁吗？是的，或者比这还要惨。
旺卡先生正在一张便条上写字。他把便条举起来，上面写着：你们饿了吗？
床上的三位老人家招手点头，把嘴开开合合。旺卡先生把便条反过来，在背面写上：这家旅馆的厨房里放满了美味的食物。有龙虾、牛排、冰淇淋。我们可以吃一顿空前丰盛的大餐。
忽然，一个巨大的隆隆声从藏在大厅不知什么地方的扩音器里发出来。“注意！”那隆隆的声音说。查理吓得跳起来，约瑟夫爷爷也跳起来，人人都跳起来，连旺卡先生也跳起来。“八位外国宇航员注意！这是美国得克萨斯州休斯敦太空控制中心在说话！你们非法侵入了美国的地盘！要求你们立即证明你们的身份！马上回答！”
“嘘——”旺卡先生把一个手指头放在嘴唇前面，悄悄地说。
接下来是死寂的几秒钟。除了旺卡先生，所有人都一动不动。旺卡先生继续说：“嘘——嘘——”
“你们……是……谁？”从休斯敦隆隆地发出的这个声音，全世界都听到了，“我再说一遍……你们……是……谁？”这个咄咄逼人的怒吼声在大厅里回荡，五亿人正在他们的电视机前等着太空旅馆内那些神秘的不速之客回答。电视无法显示出这些陌生人的画面，因为在旅馆里没有电视摄像机，只有声音能够从电视机里传出来。电视观众在荧光屏上看见的只是在轨道上运行的巨大旅馆，这当然是尾随其后的沙克沃思、香克斯和肖勒拍摄的。全世界等候回音等了半分钟。
但是没有回音。
“快回答！”那隆隆的声音说，它愈来愈响，愈来愈响，变成吓人的吆喝声，震动着查理的耳鼓，“快回答！快回答！快回答！”乔治娜姥姥钻到被单底下去；约瑟芬奶奶用手指塞住耳朵；乔治姥爷把头钻到枕头下面；巴克特先生和太太搂作一团，呆若木鸡。查理抓住约瑟夫爷爷的手，双双盯住旺卡先生，用眼神央求他采取点什么行动。旺卡先生站在那里一动不动，虽然他的脸看上去很平静，但是可以肯定，他那善于发明的聪明头脑正旋转得和发动机一样快。
“这是你们最后的机会了！”那声音隆隆地响，“现在再一次问你们……你们……是……谁？请立刻回答！如果你们再不回答，我们将不得不认定你们是危险的敌人，只要按动紧急冷冻按钮，太空旅馆的温度便会降到摄氏零下一百度，你们马上就会被冻僵。现在给你们十五秒钟的时间，再不说话，你们便会变成冰条……一……二……三……”
“爷爷！”查理在那声音数数时悄悄地说，“我们必须做点事情！我们必须做！快！”
“六！”那声音说，“七……八……九……”
旺卡先生一动不动。他仍旧直视前方，仍旧冷冰冰的，脸上毫无表情。查理和约瑟夫爷爷惊慌地看着他。突然，他们看到旺卡先生的眼角露出笑纹。他忽然精神一振，踮起脚尖旋转，又在地板上跳了几跳，然后用一种可怕的狂叫声喊道：“芬波•菲斯！”
扩音器里的声音停止数数。四周一片寂静，全世界一片寂静。
查理的眼睛盯住旺卡先生看，他又要开始说话了。他深深吸进一口气，尖叫道：“奔戈•布尼！”旺卡先生使出全身力气吼叫着，连脚尖都踮了起来。
奔戈•布尼！
达夫•都尼！
大比•卢尼！
又是一片寂静。
接下来旺卡先生说话了，他说得那么快，那么尖，那么响，活像开机关枪一样。“中——中——中——中——中！”他哇哇大叫，大叫声在太空旅馆的大厅里不断发出一声又一声的回响，响彻整个世界。
旺卡先生现在转过身来，面对着大厅尽头发出声音的扩音器的方向。他向前走了几步，当一个人想跟对方作更亲密的对话时，大概就是这个样子吧。这一次他的声音轻得多，话也说得更慢，但每个音节都是硬邦邦的：
基拉苏库•马利布库，
我门•葱明，你门•于春！
阿利盆达•卡卡门达，
不用•库带，库子•落下！
夫伊基卡•看德里卡，
窝们•更强，你门•梅用！
波波科塔•波鲁莫卡，
非常•危先，如戈•挑辛！
卡蒂卡蒂•月亮•星星，
芳芳尼沙，金星•火星！
旺卡先生戏剧性地停了几秒钟。接着他又深深地吸了一口长气，用粗犷可怖的声音又大叫起来：
基丁比比，中！
芬博利西，中！
古古米萨，中！
富米卡卡，中！
阿那波拉拉，中，中，中！
这些话在下面地球上就像闪电打雷一样。在休斯敦的控制中心，在华盛顿的白宫，在从美国到中国到秘鲁的各个宫殿、城市大楼和山间木屋，听到这粗犷可怖的声音叫出那些古怪而又神秘的话的五亿人，无不在电视机前吓得瑟瑟发抖，面面相觑地问道：“他们是些什么人？他们在说什么语言？他们是从什么地方来的？”
在白宫的总统书房里，副总统蒂布斯，各大官员，陆军、海军和空军的部长，阿富汗的吞剑大师，财政总顾问，陶布茜猫太太，全都紧张地呆站着。他们全都吓坏了。只有总统还保持着冷静和清醒的头脑。“阿姨！”他叫道，“噢，阿姨，现在我们该怎么办呢？”
“我来给你一杯热牛奶吧。”蒂布斯小姐说。
“我讨厌牛奶，”总统说，“请不要逼我喝牛奶！”
“把总翻译官请来。”蒂布斯小姐说。
“把总翻译官请来。”总统说，“他在哪里？”
“我在这里，总统先生。”总翻译官说道。
“上面太空旅馆里的那个家伙，叽哩呱啦说的是什么语言啊？快回答！是爱斯基摩语吗？”
“不是爱斯基摩语，总统先生。”
“哈！那么是菲律宾的他加禄语吧？不是他加禄语就是芬兰的乌戈尔语！”
“不是他加禄语，总统先生，也不是乌戈尔语。”
“那么是印度的图鲁语吗？抑或是通古斯语，或者是南美洲印第安人的图皮语？”
“绝对不是图鲁语，总统先生。我也完全可以肯定不是通古斯语或者图皮语。”
“不要站在那里只管告诉他不是什么语，不是什么语，你这蠢材！”蒂布斯小姐说，“就告诉他这是什么语。”
“是，蒂布斯小姐，副总统小姐。”总翻译官说，他开始发抖了，“请相信我的话，总统先生，”他说下去，“这是一种我有生以来从未听到过的语言。”
“我还以为你懂得全世界的语言呢。”
“我是懂得全世界的语言，总统先生。”
“不要骗我，总翻译官，你不懂这一种语言，怎么能说懂得全世界的语言呢？”
“它不是这个世界的语言，总统先生。”
“胡说八道，你这家伙！”蒂布斯小姐大声吼叫着说，“有几句话连我都猜得出来！”
“副总统小姐，这些人显然学会了我们语言中几句容易学会的话，但其他的话是地球上从未听到过的一种语言！”
“哇哇叫的蝎子！”总统叫道，“你是要对我说，他们可能来自……来自……来自别的什么地方？”
“显然是这样，总统先生。”
“比方说什么地方？”总统说。
“谁知道呢？”总翻译官说，“不过你没有注意到吗，总统先生？他们用了金星和火星这两个名词。”
“我当然注意到了，”总统说，“但这跟这件事又有什么关系呢？啊哈！我明白你的意思了！天啊，这些人是从火星上来的！”
“还有金星。”总翻译官说。
“这就麻烦了。”总统说。
“的确麻烦。”总翻译官说。
“他不是在跟你说话。”蒂布斯小姐说。
“我们现在怎么办呢，将军？”总统说。
“把他们炸死！”将军叫道。
“你开口就是炸。”总统生气地说，“你不能想出点别的办法吗？”
“我喜欢把东西炸掉。”将军说，“它发出的声音好听极了——嘭嘭嘭！”
“别傻了！”蒂布斯小姐说，“炸死这些人，火星就会向我们宣战！金星也一样！”
“一点不错，阿姨。”总统说，“我们个个都会像火鸡一样被宰掉！我们个个都会像土豆一样被压成土豆泥！”
“我来对付他们！”陆军部长大叫。
“闭嘴！”蒂布斯小姐呵斥他，“你被革职了。”
“万岁！”其他将军叫道，“你做得好，副总统小姐！”
蒂布斯小姐说：“我们必须对这些人客客气气的。刚才说话的人，听他的口气极其恼怒。
我们必须对他们彬彬有礼，奉承他们，使他们快活。我们绝不希望遭到火星人入侵！你必须跟他们对话，总统先生。通知休斯敦，我们需要一个直接和太空旅馆对话的无线电线路。叫他们快办！”
6 Invitation to the White House
6 Invitation to the White House
'The President of the United States will now address you!'
announced the loudspeaker voice in the lobby of the SpaceHotel.
Grandma Georgina's head peeped cautiously out from underthe sheets. Grandma Josephine took her fingers out of herears and Grandpa George lifted his face out of the pillow.
'You mean he's actually going to speak to us?' whisperedCharlie. 'Ssshhh!' said Mr Wonka. 'Listen!'
'Dear friends!' said the well-known Presidential voice over theloudspeaker. 'Dear, dear friends! Welcome to Space Hotel"U.S.A." Greetings to the brave astronauts from Mars andVenus …'
'Mars and Venus!' whispered Charlie. 'You mean he thinkswe're from …'
'Ssshh-ssshh-ssshh!' said Mr Wonka. He was doubled up withsilent laughter, shaking all over and hopping from one foot tothe other.
'You have come a long way,' the President continued, 'so whydon't you come just a tiny bit farther and pay us a visit downhere on our humble little Earth? I invite all eight of you tostay with me here in Washington as my honoured guests. Youcould land that wonderful glass air-machine of yours on thelawn in back of the White House. We shall have the redcarpet out and ready. I do hope you know enough of ourlanguage to understand me. I shall wait most anxiously foryour reply …'
There was a click and the President went off the air.
'What a fantastic thing!' whispered Grandpa Joe. 'The WhiteHouse, Charlie! We're invited to the White House as honouredguests!'
Charlie caught hold of Grandpa Joe's hands and the two ofthem started dancing round and round the lobby of the hotel.
Mr Wonka, still shaking with laughter, went and sat down onthe bed and signalled everyone to gather round close so theycould whisper without being heard by the hidden microphones.
'They're scared to death,' he whispered. 'They won't bother usany more now. So let's have that feast we were talking aboutand afterwards we can explore the hotel.'
'Aren't we going to the White House?' whispered GrandmaJosephine. 'I want to go to the White House and stay with thePresident.'
'My dear old dotty dumpling,' said Mr Wonka. 'You look asmuch like a man from Mars as a bedbug! They'd know atonce they'd been fooled. We'd be arrested before we could sayhow d'you do.'
Mr Wonka was right. There could be no question of acceptingthe President's invitation and they all knew it.
'But we've got to say something to him,' Charlie whispered. 'Hemust be sitting down there in the White House this veryminute waiting for an answer.'
'Make an excuse,' said Mr Bucket.
'Tell him we're otherwise engaged,' said Mrs Bucket.
'You are right,' whispered Mr Wonka. 'It is rude to ignore aninvitation.' He stood up and walked a few paces from thegroup. For a moment or two he remained quite still, gatheringhis thoughts. Then once again Charlie saw those tiny twinklingsmiling wrinkles around the corners of the eyes, and when hebegan to speak, his voice this time was like the voice of agiant, deep and devilish, very loud and very slow:
'In the quelchy quaggy sogmire,In the mashy mideousharshland,At the witchy hour of gloomness,All the grobescome oozing home.You can hear them softly slimeing,Glissinghissing o'er the slubber,All those oily boily bodiesOozingonward in the gloam.So start to run! Oh, skid and daddleThrough the slubber slush and sossel!Skip jump hop and tryto skaddle!All the grobes are on the roam!'
In his study two hundred and forty thousand miles below, thePresident turned white as the White House. 'Jumpingjack-rabbits!' he cried. 'I think they're after us!'
'Oh, please let me blow them up!' said the Ex-Chief of theArmy. 'Silence!' said Miss Tibbs. 'Go stand in the corner!'
In the lobby of the Space Hotel, Mr Wonka had merelypaused in order to think up another verse, and he was justabout to start off again when a frightful piercing screamstopped him cold. The screamer was Grandma Josephine. Shewas sitting up in bed and pointing with a shaking finger at thelifts at the far end of the lobby. She screamed a second time,still pointing, and all eyes turned toward the lifts. The door ofthe one on the left was sliding slowly open and the watcherscould clearly see that there was something … something thick… something brown … something not exactly brown, butgreenish-brown … something with slimy skin and large eyes …squatting inside the lift!
6　邀请到白宫做客
6　邀请到白宫做客
“美国总统现在将和你们对话！”太空旅馆大厅里的扩音器宣布说。
乔治娜姥姥从被单底下小心地探出她的头来偷看，约瑟芬奶奶放下她塞住耳朵的手指，乔治姥爷抬起他藏在枕头下面的脸。
“你认为他真的要跟我们说话吗？”查理悄悄地说。
“嘘——”旺卡先生说，“听着！”
“亲爱的朋友们！”总统熟悉的声音在扩音器里响起，“亲爱的，亲爱的朋友们！欢迎你们光临美国太空旅馆。谨向火星和金星的来客致敬……”
“火星和金星！”查理悄悄地说，“他是不是以为我们来自……”
“嘘嘘嘘——嘘嘘嘘——嘘嘘嘘！”旺卡先生说。他无声地大笑着弯下了腰，笑得浑身发抖，还交替着双脚在地上蹦蹦跳。
“你们已经走了漫长的路，”总统说下去，“那么，你们何不再走远一点儿，到下面我们渺小的地球来看看我们呢？我邀请你们八位为我的贵宾，到我们这里，到华盛顿来做客。你们可以把那架了不起的玻璃飞行器降落在白宫后面的大草坪上。我们将在外面铺上红地毯欢迎你们。但愿你们懂得足够的我们的语言，能听懂我说的话。我急着等候你们的回音……”
咔嗒一声，总统的话结束了。
“简直叫人无法相信！”约瑟夫爷爷轻轻地说，“那是白宫呢，查理！我们被作为贵宾邀请到白宫去！”
查理抓住约瑟夫爷爷的双手，两个人开始一圈又一圈地绕着旅馆的大厅跳舞。旺卡先生还在笑得浑身发抖，走过去坐在床边，做手势叫大家团团围住他，这样他们便可以低声说话而不会被暗藏着的窃听器听见了。
“他们怕得要死，”旺卡先生悄悄地说，“现在他们不会再骚扰我们了。让我们吃一顿刚才说过的大餐，然后参观一下这家旅馆。”
“我们不到白宫去吗？”约瑟芬奶奶问道，“我要去白宫做客，和总统聚一聚。”
“我亲爱的矮墩墩的老好人，”旺卡先生说，“与其说你看上去像个火星人，不如说是个臭虫！他们马上就会知道上了当。你还没有来得及跟总统说一声‘你好’，就被逮捕了。”
旺卡先生的话是对的，大家都明白根本不能接受总统的邀请。
“但我们必须对他说句什么话呀，”查理轻轻地说，“这会儿他一定正坐在下面的白宫里等着回音。”
“想出个借口吧。”巴克特先生说。
“告诉他我们已经另有约会。”巴克特太太说。
“你说得对，”旺卡先生悄悄地说，“接到邀请而不答复是没有礼貌的。”他站起来，离开大家几步，沉默了一会儿，集中精力动脑筋。没多久查理看到他的眼角又泛起笑纹。旺卡先生再一次开始说话了，这一次他的声音像一个巨人的声音，深沉恐怖，又慢又响亮：
在泥泞的沼泽地带，
黏黏糊糊，崎崎岖岖，
在昏暗的神秘时刻，
所有的格罗布慢慢地回家去。
你能听到它们在泥浆中，
发出轻轻的咕吱咕吱声，
所有那么油光光的滚烫身体，
在暮色中慢慢前行。
然后开始跑！啊，飞奔，
穿过烂泥浆！
又是蹦，又是跳！
所有的格罗布在游荡！
在二百四十英里下面，总统正坐在他的书房里，面色变得和白宫一样白。“蹦蹦跳跳的长耳朵大野兔！”他叫道，“我想他们正在紧跟着我们！”
“噢，请让我把他们炸死吧！”前陆军部长说。
“别做声！”蒂布斯小姐说，“站到墙角去！”
在太空旅馆的大厅，旺卡先生停了一下，准备想出另一首诗。他刚要再开口，忽然响起一声可怕的震耳的尖叫，使他一下子停了下来，呆住不动。原来这是约瑟芬奶奶在尖叫。她这时候坐在床上，用一只发抖的手指着大厅尽头的电梯。她仍旧用手指那么指着，又尖叫了一声，所有人的眼睛都向着电梯看过去。一道电梯门慢慢地打开，他们可以清楚地看到里面有一样东西……一样圆滚滚的……棕色的……不完全是棕色而是棕色中带绿色的……有黏滑皮肤和大眼睛的东西……蹲在电梯里面！
7 Something Nasty in the Lifts
7 Something Nasty in the Lifts
Grandma Josephine had stopped screaming now. She had gonerigid with shock. The rest
of the group by the bed, including Charlie and Grandpa Joe,had become as still as stone.
They dared not move. They dared hardly breathe. And MrWonka, who had swung quickly
around to look when the first scream came, was asdumbstruck as the rest. He stood
motionless, gaping at the thing in the lift, his mouth slightlyopen, his eyes stretched wide
as two wheels. What he saw, what they all saw, was this:
It looked more than anything like an enormous egg balancedon its pointed end. It was as tall as a big boy and wider thanthe fattest man. The greenish-brown skin had a shiny wettishappearance and there were wrinkles in it. About three-quartersof the way up, in the widest part, there were two large roundeyes as big as tea-cups. The eyes were white, but each had abrilliant red pupil in the centre. The red pupils were resting onMr Wonka. But now they began travelling slowly across toCharlie and Grandpa Joe and the others by the bed, settlingupon them and gazing at them with a cold malevolent stare.
The eyes were everything. There were no other features, nonose or mouth or ears, but the entire egg-shaped body wasitself moving very very slightly, pulsing and bulging gently hereand there as though the skin were filled with some thick fluid.
At this point, Charlie suddenly noticed that the next lift wascoming down. The indicator numbers above the door wereflashing … 6 … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … L (for lobby). Therewas a slight pause. The door slid open and there, inside thesecond lift, was another enormous slimy wrinkledgreenish-brown egg with eyes!
Now the numbers were flashing above all three of theremaining lifts. Down they came … down … down … down …And soon, at precisely the same time, they reached the lobbyfloor and the doors slid open … five open doors now … onecreature in each … five in all … and five pairs of eyes withbrilliant red centres all watching Mr Wonka and watchingCharlie and Grandpa Joe and the others.
There were slight differences in size and shape between thefive, but all had the same greenish-brown wrinkled skin andthe skin was rippling and pulsing.
For about thirty seconds nothing happened. Nobody stirred,nobody made a sound. The silence was terrible. So was thesuspense. Charlie was so frightened he felt himself shrinkinginside his skin. Then he saw the creature in the left-hand liftsuddenly starting to change shape! Its body was slowlybecoming longer and longer, and thinner and thinner, going upand up towards the roof of the lift, not straight up, butcurving a little to the left, making a snake-like curve that wascuriously graceful, up to the left and then curling over the topto the right and coming down again in a half-circle … andthen the bottom end began to grow out as well, like a tail …creeping along the floor … creeping along the floor to the left… until at last the creature, which had originally looked like ahuge egg, now looked like a long curvy serpent standing up onits tail.
Then the one in the next lift began stretching itself in muchthe same way, and what a weird and oozy thing it was towatch! It was twisting itself into a shape that was a bitdifferent from the first, balancing itself almost but not quite onthe tip of its tail.
Then the three remaining creatures began stretching themselvesall at the same time, each one elongating itself slowly upward,growing taller and taller, thinner and thinner, curving andtwisting, stretching and stretching, curling and bending,balancing either on the tail or the head or both, and turnedsideways now so that only one eye was visible. When they hadall stopped stretching and bending, this was how they finishedup:
'Scram!' shouted Mr Wonka. 'Get out quick!'
People have never moved faster than Grandpa Joe and Charlieand Mr and Mrs Bucket at that moment. They all got behindthe bed and started pushing like crazy. Mr Wonka ran in frontof them shouting 'Scram! Scram! Scram!' and in ten secondsflat all of them were out of the lobby and back inside theGreat Glass Elevator. Frantically, Mr Wonka began undoingbolts and pressing buttons. The door of the Great GlassElevator snapped shut and the whole thing leaped sideways.
They were away! And of course all of them, including the threeold ones in the bed, floated up again into the air.
7　电梯里的怪物
7　电梯里的怪物
约瑟芬奶奶现在已经停止尖叫，她吓呆了。床边的其他人，包括查理和约瑟夫爷爷，也变得像石头一样，一动不动。他们不敢动，连气也不敢透。旺卡先生听到第一声尖叫就连忙转过头去看，立刻也和其他人一样变成了哑巴。他站着一动不动，看着电梯里的东西，嘴巴微微张开，眼睛睁圆，像是两个车轮。他看到的东西，所有人看到的东西，是这个样子的：
它看上去像一个大鸡蛋，用尖的一头直立在电梯里。它约有一个大孩子那么高，宽度比最胖的胖子还要宽。绿棕色的皮肤湿漉漉的，发着亮，上面有皱纹。从下面上去约四分之三的地方，也就是最宽的部位，有两只圆圆的茶杯口大小的大眼睛。眼睛是白的，但每一只眼睛中央有一个鲜红的瞳孔。两个鲜红的瞳孔先是盯住旺卡先生。现在它们开始慢慢地移向查理，移向约瑟夫爷爷，移向床边每一个人，用含有恶意的冷冰冰的眼光看他们，在每个人的身上停留一下。它只有一双眼睛，没有鼻子，没有嘴巴，没有耳朵，没有其他器官，但是整个蛋形身体自己会微微地移动，一伸一缩的，皮肤上好像涂满了很稠的油。
就在这时候，查理忽然注意到另一架电梯也下来了。门上方的指示号码正在闪亮……6……5……4……3……2……L（就是lobby大厅）。停了一会儿以后，电梯门轻轻地打开。在那里面，在第二架电梯里面，又是一个滑溜溜、布满皱纹、有一双大眼睛的绿棕色巨蛋。
现在其他三架电梯的指示号码都亮起来了。它们正在下来……下来……下来……下来……很快地，就在同一时间，它们都降落到大厅这一层，门轻轻地打开……现在是五道打开的门，每道门里面是一只生物，一共五只，五双有鲜红瞳孔的眼睛，盯住旺卡先生、查理、约瑟夫爷爷和其他人。
这五只生物的大小和形状各有差异，但都有同样的绿棕色、布满皱纹、一抽一抽的皮肤。
约有三十秒钟，什么事也没有发生。没有人动一动，没有人发出一点声音，静得可怕。
这样疑神疑鬼也是很可怕的。查理害怕得全身皮肤在缩紧。突然，他看见左边电梯里的一只怪蛋开始变形！它的身体慢慢地愈变愈长，愈变愈瘦，略偏左地弯向电梯的天花板，像条蛇一样弯得极其好看，伸到左边电梯顶以后，又开始沿着电梯顶向右弯下来，蜷成一个半圆形……接着底部也开始伸出来了，像一条尾巴……顺着地板伸长……伸向左边……最后，这只原先像个巨蛋的生物，这时候看上去像一条弯曲的长蛇，尾巴着地，全身竖立着。
这时候，隔壁一个电梯里的怪物也伸长身体，过程大致上和先前那只怪物一样，看着真叫人恶心！它扭来扭去，但变出来的形状和前一只也有些不同，它不是完全靠尾巴来平衡身体。
接着，其他三只怪物同时开始伸长身体，每一只都慢慢地向上伸，愈来愈高，愈来愈瘦，弯曲扭动，盘绕蜷曲，或者用尾巴，或者用头，或者兼用尾巴和头来平衡身体，它们都侧着身，因此只看到一只眼睛。当它们全部停止伸长和蜷曲时，形状如下：
“SCRAM [1] ！快走！”旺卡先生叫道，“快出去！”
从来没有谁的动作比得上现在的约瑟夫爷爷、查理、巴克特先生和太太的动作这样快。
他们全都跑到床后面，开始发疯一样把床推走。旺卡先生跑在他们前面叫道：“快走！快走！
快走！”转眼间，他们已经全部走出旅馆大厅，回到大玻璃升降机里。旺卡先生像发疯似的打开插头，并按动按钮。大玻璃升降机的门马上关上，整个升降机向旁边移动。他们离开了太空旅馆！当然是全体都离开了，一个不少，包括床上的三位老人家。他们又在升降机里飘来飘去。
[1]五只怪物弯曲成SCRAM五个字母，在英语里，这个单词的意思是“快走”。
8 The Vermicious Knids
8 The Vermicious Knids
'Oh, my goodness me!' gasped Mr Wonka. 'Oh, my saintedpants! Oh, my painted ants! Oh, my crawling cats! I hopenever to see anything like that again!' He floated over to thewhite button and pressed it. The booster-rockets fired. TheElevator shot forward at such a speed that soon the SpaceHotel was out of sight far behind.
'But who were those awful creatures?' Charlie asked.
'You mean you didn't know?' cried Mr Wonka. 'Well, it's agood thing you didn't! If you'd had even the faintest idea ofwhat horrors you were up against, the marrow would haverun out of your bones! You'd have been fossilized with fearand glued to the ground! Then they'd have got you! You'dhave been a cooked cucumber! You'd have been rasped into athousand tiny bits, grated like cheese and flocculated alive!
They'd have made necklaces from your knucklebones andbracelets from your teeth! Because those creatures, my dearignorant boy, are the most brutal, vindictive, venomous,murderous beasts in the entire universe!' Here Mr Wonkapaused and ran the tip of a pink tongue all the way aroundhis lips. 'VERMICIOUS KNIDS!' he cried. 'That's what theywere!' He sounded the K … K'NIDS, like that.
'I thought they were grobes,' Charlie said. 'Those oozy-woozygrobes you were telling the President about.'
'Oh, no, I just made those up to scare the White House,' MrWonka answered. 'But there is nothing made up aboutVermicious Knids, believe you me. They live, as everybodyknows, on the planet Vermes, which is eighteen thousand fourhundred and twenty-seven million miles away and they arevery, very clever brutes indeed. The Vermicious Knid can turnitself into any shape it wants. It has no bones. Its body isreally one huge muscle, enormously strong, but very stretchyand squishy, like a mixture of rubber and putty with steelwires inside. Normally it is egg-shaped, but it can just as easilygive itself two legs like a human or four legs like a horse. Itcan become as round as a ball or as long as a kite-string.
From fifty yards away, a fully grown Vermicious Knid couldstretch out its neck and bite your head off without even gettingup!'
'Bite off your head with what?' said Grandma Georgina. 'Ididn't see any mouth.' 'They have other things to bite with,'
said Mr Wonka darkly. 'Such as what?' said GrandmaGeorgina.
'Ring off,' said Mr Wonka. 'Your time's up. But listen,everybody. I've just had a funny thought. There I was foolingaround with the President and pretending we were creaturesfrom some other planet and, by golly, there actually werecreatures from some other planet on board!'
'Do you think there were many?' Charlie asked. 'More than thefive we saw?'
'Thousands!' said Mr Wonka. 'There are five hundred rooms inthat Space Hotel and there's probably a family of them inevery room!'
'Somebody's going to get a nasty shock when they go onboard!' said Grandpa Joe. They'll be eaten like peanuts,' saidMr Wonka. 'Every one of them.' 'You don't really mean that,do you, Mr Wonka?' Charlie said.
'Of course I mean it,' said Mr Wonka. 'These Vermicious Knidsare the terror of the Universe. They travel through space ingreat swarms, landing on other stars and planets anddestroying everything they find. There used to be some rathernice creatures living on the moon a long time ago. They werecalled Poozas. But the Vermicious Knids ate the lot. They didthe same on Venus and Mars and many other planets.'
'Why haven't they come down to our Earth and eaten us?'
Charlie asked.
'They've tried to, Charlie, many times, but they've never madeit. You see, all around our Earth there is a vast envelope ofair and gas, and anything hitting that at high speed gets redhot. Space capsules are made of special heat-proof metal, andwhen they make a re-entry, their speeds are reduced rightdown to about two thousand miles an hour, first byretro-rockets and then by something called "friction". But evenso, they get badly scorched. Knids, which are not heat-proof atall, and don't have any retro-rockets, get sizzled up completelybefore they're halfway through. Have you ever seen a shootingstar?'
'Lots of them,' Charlie said.
'Actually, they're not shooting stars at all,' said Mr Wonka.
'They're Shooting Knids. They're Knids trying to enter theEarth's atmosphere at high speed and going up in flames.'
'What rubbish,' said Grandma Georgina.
'You wait,' said Mr Wonka. 'You may see it happening beforethe day is done.'
'But if they're so fierce and dangerous,' Charlie said, 'whydidn't they eat us up right away in the Space Hotel? Why didthey waste time twisting their bodies into letters and writingSCRAM?'
'Because they're show-offs,' Mr Wonka replied. 'They'retremendously proud of being able to write like that.'
'But why say scram when they wanted to catch us and eatus?'
'It's the only word they know,' Mr Wonka said.
'Look!' screamed Grandma Josephine, pointing through theglass. 'Over there!'
Before he even looked, Charlie knew exactly what he was goingto see. So did the others. They could tell by the high hystericalnote in the old lady's voice.
And there it was, cruising effortlessly alongside them, a simplycolossal Vermicious Knid, as thick as a whale, as long as alorry, with the most brutal vermicious look in its eye! It was nomore than a dozen yards away, egg-shaped, slimy,greenish-brown, with one malevolent red eye (the only onevisible) fixed intently upon the people floating inside the GreatGlass Elevator!
'The end has come!' screamed Grandma Georgina. 'He'll eat usall!' cried Mrs Bucket. 'In one gulp!' said Mr Bucket.
'We're done for, Charlie,' said Grandpa Joe. Charlie nodded. Hecouldn't speak or make a sound. His throat was seized upwith fright.
But this time Mr Wonka didn't panic. He remained perfectlycalm. 'We'll soon get rid of that!' he said and he pressed sixbuttons all at once and six booster-rockets went offsimultaneously under the Elevator. The Elevator leaped forwardlike a stung horse, faster and faster, but the great green greasyKnid kept pace alongside it with no trouble at all.
'Make it go away!' yelled Grandma Georgina. 'I can't stand itlooking at me!'
'Dear lady,' said Mr Wonka, 'it can't possibly get in here. Idon't mind admitting I was a trifle alarmed back there in theSpace Hotel. And with good reason. But here we have nothingto fear. The Great Glass Elevator is shockproof, waterproof,bombproof, bulletproof and Knidproof! So just relax and enjoyit.'
'Oh you Knid, you are vile and vermicious!'
cried Mr Wonka.
'You are slimy and soggy and squishous!But what do we care'Cause you can't get in here,
So hop it and don't get
ambitious!'
At this point, the massive Knid outside turned and startedcruising away from the Elevator. 'There you are,' cried MrWonka, triumphant. 'It heard me! It's going home!' But MrWonka was wrong. When the creature was about a hundredyards off, it stopped, hovered for a moment, then wentsmoothly into reverse, coming back toward the Elevator with itsrear-end (which was the pointed end of the egg) now in front.
Even going backwards, its acceleration was unbelievable. It waslike some monstrous bullet coming at them and it came so fastnobody had time even to cry out.
CRASH! It struck the Glass Elevator with the most enormousbang and the whole thing shivered and shook but the glassheld and the Knid bounced off like a rubber ball.
'What did I tell you!' shouted Mr Wonka, triumphant. 'We'resafe as sausages in here!' 'He'll have a nasty headache afterthat,' said Grandpa Joe.
'It's not his head, it's his bottom!' said Charlie. 'Look, there's abig bump coming up on the pointed end where he hit! It'sgoing black and blue!'
And so it was. A purple bruisy bump the size of a small carwas appearing on the pointed rear-end of the giant Knid.
'Hello, you dirty great beast!' cried Mr Wonka.
'Hello, you great Knid! Tell us, how do you do?
You're a
rather strange colour today.Your bottom is purple and lavenderblue.Should it really be looking that way?Are you not feelingwell? Are you going to faint?Is it something we cannotdiscuss?It must be a very unpleasant complaint,For yourbackside's as big as a bus!Let me get you a doctor. I knowjust the manFor a Knid with a nasty disease.He's a butcherby trade which is not a bad plan,And he charges quitereasonable fees.Ah, here he is now! "Doc, you really are kindTo travel so far into space.
There's your patient, the Knid with
the purple behind!Do you think it's a desperate case?""Greatheavens above! It's no wonder he's pale!"Said the doc with ahorrible grin."There's a sort of balloon on the end of his tail!Imust prick it at once with a pin!"So he got out a thing likean Indian spear,With feathers all over the top,And he lunged
and he caught the Knid smack in the rear,But alas, theballoon didn't pop!
Cried the Knid, "What on earth am I going
to do
With this painful preposterous lump?I can't remainstanding the whole summer through!And I cannot sit down onmy rump!"
"It's a bad case of rear-ache," the medico said,"And it's something I cannot repair.If you want to sit down,you must sit on your head,With your bottom high up in theair!"'
8　蠕虫克尼德
8　蠕虫克尼德
“噢，我的天啊！”旺卡先生连气也透不过来，“噢，我的神圣裤子啊！噢，我的五彩蚂蚁啊！噢，我的爬行猫啊！但愿不再看到像它们那样的东西！”他飘到白按钮那里把它一按，助推火箭便发射出去。升降机向前飞得很快，一转眼工夫，太空旅馆已经被远远地抛在后面，看不见了。
“那些可怕的怪物到底是什么东西呢？”查理问道。
“你是说你不知道吗？”旺卡先生叫道，“也幸亏你不知道！刚才遇到的恐怖，你如果哪怕只知道一点儿，便会连骨髓都要吓出来了！你会吓得不能动弹，瘫痪在地上！那么它们就会赶上你！你也就会变成熟黄瓜！你就会被嚼成上千小块，像干酪那样被活活嚼烂！它们会把你的手指关节骨制成项链，把你的牙齿制成手镯！我的不懂事的孩子，那些怪物是全宇宙最残忍、最凶恶、最狠毒的杀人野兽！”旺卡先生说到这里停了停，用粉红色的舌尖把嘴唇舔了舔。“蠕虫克尼德！”他叫道，“它们就叫这个名字！”他又发出克……克尼德的声音。
“我原以为它们是格罗布呢，”查理说，“就是你告诉总统的什么黏糊糊的格罗布。”
“噢，不，格罗布只是我编造出来吓唬吓唬白宫里那些人的。”旺卡先生回答说，“但蠕虫克尼德却完全不是想象出来的，你相信我好了。大家都知道，它们生活在蠕虫星上，这行星距离地球一百八十四亿二千七百万英里。蠕虫克尼德是非常非常聪明却又极其残酷的生物。
它能随意变成任何形状。它没有骨头，整个身体实际上是一大块肌肉，异常有力，却又黏糊糊的极有弹性，像是由橡胶和油灰合成的，里面有钢丝。平时它是蛋形的，然而它轻而易举就能变出两条腿，像个人；也能变出四条腿，像匹马；它能圆得像个球，又能长得像根风筝线。一条完全长成的蠕虫克尼德甚至不用起来就能在五十码之外一伸脖子咬掉你的脑袋！”
“用什么咬？”乔治娜姥姥问，“我没看到它有嘴巴。”
“它们用别的东西咬。”旺卡先生沉下脸说。
“什么东西？”乔治娜姥姥追着问。
“挂断电话，”旺卡先生说，“你的通话时间到了。不过大家听我说。我刚产生了一个滑稽的想法。刚才我只是骗总统，装作我们是从别的星球来的生物，但是天啊，旅馆里真有从别的星球来的生物！”
“你想它们的数量多吗？”查理问道，“多于我们所看见的五只？”
“几千只！”旺卡先生说，“那座太空旅馆有五百间客房，每个房间里可能都有一家子这种怪物！”
“人们登上旅馆时要吓坏了！”约瑟夫爷爷说。
“他们会像花生米一样被吃掉，”旺卡先生说，“吃得一个不剩。”
“你这话不是当真的吧，旺卡先生？”查理说。
“自然是当真的。”旺卡先生说，“这些蠕虫克尼德是宇宙间的恶煞。它们一大群一大群地在太空中飞行，降落到其他星球上，摧毁它们能找到的所有东西。很久以前，月球上有一种很漂亮的生物，叫做普萨，但是蠕虫克尼德把它们吃光了。蠕虫克尼德在金星、火星以及其他星球上也这么干。”
“蠕虫克尼德为什么不到地球上来把我们也吃掉呢？”查理问道。
“它们也尝试过多次，查理，但是都没有成功。要知道，我们的地球周围裹着一层大气层，任何东西高速下降，碰到大气层就会变得炽热。太空船是用特殊的防热金属制造的，当它们重返大气层时，速度降低到每小时二千英里。它们先用减速火箭减速，然后通过‘摩擦阻力’再把速度减慢。尽管如此，太空船还是要被烤得很厉害。克尼德根本没有防热装置，也没有减速火箭，一路上还没走到一半，就要咝咝地烧起来了。你看见过流星没有？”
“见得多了。”查理说。
“它们当然不是流星，”旺卡先生说，“而是‘流克尼德’。这些克尼德想以高速度进入地球的大气层，结果变成了火焰。”
“真是信口开河。”乔治娜姥姥说。
“你等着吧，”旺卡先生说，“也许还没到天黑你就能看见了。”
“既然它们这样凶狠危险，”查理说，“在太空旅馆，它们为什么不马上把我们吃掉呢？为什么它们还要浪费时间变成几个字母，拼成SCRAM这个词呢？”
“因为它们想要炫耀自己。”旺卡先生回答说，“能这样拼单词，它们觉得极其骄傲。”
“不过，它们既然要捕捉我们，并且把我们吃掉，怎么还说SCRAM，叫我们快走呢？”
“因为它们只认识这个词。”旺卡先生说。
“看！”约瑟芬奶奶指着玻璃外面尖叫起来，“那里！”
查理还没有转过头去看，心里已经清楚他将看到什么。其他人也一样，他们听这位老太太歇斯底里的两声尖叫就知道了。
正如他们所料，在他们旁边不费力地飞着一只其大无比的蠕虫克尼德，它身体像一条鲸鱼一样宽，长短则像一辆大卡车，眼睛里露出最可怕的蠕虫凶光！它距大玻璃升降机顶多只有十二码，蛋形，滑溜溜的，绿棕色，一只恶毒的红色眼睛（只看得见一只）紧紧地盯住在大玻璃升降机里飘来飘去的人！
“这次完了！”乔治娜姥姥尖声大叫。
“它会吃掉我们！”巴克特太太叫道。
“只要一口！”巴克特先生说。
“我们没命了，查理。”约瑟夫爷爷说。查理点着头连话也说不出来，他的喉咙被恐惧堵住了。
但是这一回，旺卡先生一点也不惊慌，他保持完全镇静。“我们很快就能把它甩掉！”他说着同时按动六个按钮，升降机底下同时发射出六颗助推火箭。升降机像一匹被刺了一下的快马那样直冲向前，愈来愈快，只是那滑溜溜、绿棕色的巨大克尼德也轻而易举地加快了速度，飞驰在升降机旁边。
“让它走开！”乔治娜姥姥声嘶力竭地大叫，“它盯着我看，我受不了啦！”
“亲爱的老太太，”旺卡先生说，“它可进不来。我不妨承认，在太空旅馆那阵子，我倒是真有点害怕，这是有道理的。但在这里我们没必要害怕。大玻璃升降机是防震、防水、防炸弹、防子弹、防克尼德的！因此你只管休息，尽情欣赏它就是了。”
接着旺卡先生大叫：
噢，你这克尼德，
该死的蠕虫动物！
你滑溜溜、湿漉漉、黏糊糊！
但是我们一点不在乎，
因为你进不了这个地方。
滚蛋吧，
痴心妄想也毫无用处！
旺卡先生唱到这里的时候，外面那巨大的克尼德转过身，开始离开升降机飞走。“这就对了。”旺卡先生得意地叫道，“它听见我的话了！它回家去了！”但是旺卡先生错了。那怪物离开一百码时忽然停下来，盘旋了一阵，接着轻快地倒退着，用它的后端（也就是蛋形的尖端）对准升降机重新飞回来。虽然是倒退着飞，它的速度也是快的叫人难以相信的。它像一个向他们射来的大炮弹，快得使人连叫都来不及。
砰！它用最大的力气向大玻璃升降机猛力一撞，整架升降机震动了一下，但是玻璃挡住了它，那克尼德像个皮球似的弹开了。
“我怎么跟你们说的？”旺卡先生得意地嚷着，“我们在这里安全得像一根根的香肠！”
“这一下它的头可够痛了。”约瑟夫爷爷说。
“那不是它的头，那是它的屁股！”查理说，“你看，爷爷，在它撞我们的那个尖端上长出了一个大疙瘩！变得又青又黑了！”
一点不假。在那巨大的克尼德的后面尖端，出现了一个紫色的大包，大小跟一辆小汽车差不多。“哈啰，你这该死的巨兽！”旺卡先生叫道：
喂，你这大克尼德！
告诉我们，你好吗？
今天你的颜色古怪非常，
你的屁股变成紫色。
难道你原先就是这个模样？
你觉得不舒服吗？想要昏倒？
是不是有什么事我们没法商量？
你一定是恨得不得了，
因为你的屁股上有个肿包，
大得像公共汽车一样！
让我替你请位医生吧。
我正好认识一位，
专替克尼德治怪病。
他的职业是屠夫，
收费十分公平。
啊，他来了！
“医生，你真是慈悲为怀，
从老远来到太空。
你的病人在这里，
这克尼德的屁股上有个紫包，
你认为病情严重不严重？”
“天啊！怪不得它脸色发白！”
医生阴森森地笑笑说，
“它的尾巴尖上那个东西像气球！
我必须马上用针把它刺破！”
于是他拿出一样东西，
很像印第安人的长矛，
长矛头上插满了羽毛。
他向前冲去，
抓住克尼德的尾部，
可是天啊，
刺下去这个气球却不爆掉！
克尼德叫道：“今后我可怎么办？
屁股上老带着这个痛得要命的难看肿块！
我不能整个夏天都站着，
要坐吧，那肿块又使我坐不下来！”
“屁股痛是个疑难杂症。”
医生说，“这个病我医不好。
如果你想坐，
你就倒过来用头顶坐吧，
让屁股翘得半天高！”
9 Gobbled Up
9 Gobbled Up
On the day when all this was happening, no factories openedanywhere in the world. All offices and schools were closed.
Nobody moved away from the television screens, not even fora couple of minutes to get a Coke or to feed the baby. Thetension was unbearable. Everybody heard the AmericanPresident's invitation to the men from Mars to visit him in theWhite House. And they heard the weird rhyming reply, whichsounded rather threatening. They also heard a piercing scream(Grandma Josephine), and a little later on, they heard someoneshouting, 'Scram! Scram! Scram!' (Mr Wonka). Nobody couldmake head or tail of the shouting. They took it to be somekind of Martian language. But when the eight mysteriousastronauts suddenly rushed back into their glass capsule andbroke away from the Space Hotel, you could almost hear thegreat sigh of relief that rose up from the peoples of the earth.
Telegrams and messages poured into the White Housecongratulating the President upon his brilliant handling of afrightening situation.
The President himself remained calm and thoughtful. He sat athis desk rolling a small piece of wet chewing-gum between hisfinger and thumb. He was waiting for the moment when hecould flick it at Miss Tibbs without her seeing him. He flicked itand missed Miss Tibbs but hit the Chief of the Air Force onthe tip of his nose.
'Do you think the men from Mars have accepted my invitationto the White House?' the President asked.
'Of course they have,' said the Foreign Secretary. 'It was abrilliant speech, sir.'
'They're probably on their way down here right now,' said MissTibbs. 'Go and wash that nasty sticky chewing-gum off yourfingers quickly. They could be here any minute.'
'Let's have a song first,' said the President. 'Sing another oneabout me, Nanny … please.'
THE NURSE'S SONG
This mighty man of whom I sing,The greatest of them all,Wasonce a teeny little thing,Just eighteen inches tall.
I knew him as
a tiny tot.
I nursed him on my knee.I used to sit him on thepot
And wait for him to wee.
I always washed between his toes,
And cut his little nails.I brushed his hair and wiped his noseAnd weighed him on the scales.Through happy childhood dayshe strayed,As all nice children should.I smacked him when hedisobeyed,And stopped when he was good.It soon began todawn on me
He wasn't very bright,Because when he was
twenty-threeHe couldn't read or write.'What shall we do?' hisparents sobbed.'The boy has got the vapours!He couldn't evenget a jobDelivering the papers!''Ah-ha,' I said. 'This little clotCould be a politician.''Nanny,' he cried. 'Oh Nanny, whatAsuper proposition!'
'Okay,' I said. 'Let's learn and note
The art
of politics.Let's teach you how to miss the boatAnd how todrop some bricks,And how to win the people's voteAnd lotsof other tricks.Let's learn to make a speech a dayUpon the
TV screen,In which you never never sayExactly what youmean.And most important, by the way,
Is not to let your teeth
decay,
And keep your fingers clean.'And now that I ameighty-nine,It's too late to repent.The fault was mine the littleswineBecame the President.
'Bravo, Nanny!' cried the President, clapping his hands.
'Hooray!' shouted the others. 'Well done, Miss Vice-President,ma'am! Brilliant! Tremendous!'
'My goodness!' said the President. 'Those men from Mars willbe here any moment! What on earth are we going to givethem for lunch? Where's my Chief Cook?'
The Chief Cook was a Frenchman. He was also a French spyand at this moment he was listening at the keyhole of thePresident's study. 'Ici, Monsieur le President!' he said, burstingin.
'Chief Cook,' said the President. 'What do men from Mars eatfor lunch?'
'Mars Bars,' said the Chief Cook.
'Baked or boiled?' asked the President.
'Oh, baked, of course, Monsieur le President. You will ruin aMars Bar by boiling!'
The voice of astronaut Shuckworth cut in over the loudspeakerin the President's study.
'Request permission to link up and go aboard Space Hotel?' hesaid.
'Permission granted,' said the President. 'Go right ahead,Shuckworth. It's all clear now … Thanks to me.'
And so the large Transport Capsule, piloted by Shuckworth,Shanks and Showler, with all the hotel managers and assistantmanagers and hall porters and pastry chefs and bell-boys andwaitresses and chambermaids on board, moved in smoothlyand linked up with the giant Space Hotel.
'Hey there! We've lost our television picture,' called thePresident.
'I'm afraid the camera got smashed against the side of theSpace Hotel, Mr President,' Shuckworth replied. The Presidentsaid a very rude word into the microphone and ten millionchildren across the nation began repeating it gleefully and gotsmacked by their parents.
'All astronauts and one hundred and fifty hotel staff safelyaboard Space Hotel!' Shuckworth reported over the radio. 'Weare now standing in the lobby!'
'And what do you think of it all?' asked the President. Heknew the whole world was listening in and he wantedShuckworth to say how wonderful it was. Shuckworth didn't lethim down.
'Gee, Mr President, it's just great!' he said. 'It's unbelievable!
It's so enormous! And so … it's kind of hard to find words todescribe it, it's so truly grand, especially the chandeliers and thecarpets and all! I have the Chief Hotel Manager, Mr Walter W.
Wall, beside me now. He would like the honour of a wordwith you, sir.'
'Put him on,' said the President.
'Mr President, sir, this is Walter Wall. What a sumptuous hotelthis is! The decorations are superb!'
'Have you noticed that all the carpets are wall-to-wall, MrWalter Wall?' said the President.
'I have indeed, Mr President.'
'All the wallpaper is all wall-to-wall, too, Mr Walter Wall.'
'Yes, sir, Mr President! Isn't that something! It's going to be areal pleasure running a beautiful hotel like this! … Hey! What'sgoing on over there? Something's coming out of the lifts! Help!'
Suddenly the loudspeaker in the President's study gave out aseries of the most ghastly screams and yells. 'Ayeeeee!
Owwwww! Ayeeeee! Hel-l-l-lp! Hel-l-l-l-l-lp! Hel-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-lp!'
'What on earth's going on?' said the President. 'Shuckworth!
Are you there, Shuckworth? … Shanks! Showler! Mr WalterWall! Where are you all! What's happening?'
The screams continued. They were so loud the President hadto put his fingers in his ears. Every house in the world thathad a television or radio receiver heard those awful screams.
There were other noises, too. Loud grunts and snortings andcrunching sounds. Then there was silence.
Frantically the President called the Space Hotel on the radio.
Houston called the Space Hotel. The President called Houston.
Houston called the President. Then both of them called theSpace Hotel again. But answer came there none. Up there inspace all was silent.
'Something nasty's happened,' said the President.
'It's those men from Mars,' said the Ex-Chief of the Army. 'Itold you to let me blow them up.'
'Silence!' snapped the President. 'I've got to think.'
The loudspeaker began to crackle. 'Hello!' it said. 'Hello hellohello! Are you receiving me, Space Control in Houston?'
The President grabbed the mike on his desk. 'Leave this tome, Houston!' he shouted. 'President Gilligrass here receivingyou loud and clear! Go ahead!'
'Astronaut Shuckworth here, Mr President, back aboard theTransport Capsule … thank heavens!'
'What happened, Shuckworth? Who's with you?'
'We're most of us here, Mr President, I'm glad to say. Shanksand Showler are with me, and a whole bunch of other folks. Iguess we lost maybe a couple of dozen people altogether,pastry chefs, hall porters, that sort of thing. It sure was ascramble getting out of that place alive!'
'What do you mean you lost two dozen people?' shouted thePresident. 'How did you lose them?'
'Gobbled up!' replied Shuckworth. 'One gulp and that was it! Isaw a big six-foot-tall assistant-manager being swallowed up justlike you'd swallow a lump of ice-cream, Mr President! Nochewing — nothing! Just down the hatch!'
'But who?' yelled the President. 'Who are you talking about?
Who did the swallowing?'
'Hold it!' cried Shuckworth. 'Oh, my lord, here they all comenow! They're coming after us! They're swarming out of theSpace Hotel! They're coming out in swarms! You'll have toexcuse me a moment, Mr President. No time to talk rightnow!'
9　把人吞下去了
9　把人吞下去了
发生所有这些事的那天，全世界所有的工厂停工，所有的公司停业，所有的学校停课。
没有一个人离开电视机，哪怕是离开两分钟去拿瓶可口可乐喝喝，或者喂婴儿吃奶，气氛紧张得叫人受不了。人人听到了美国总统邀请火星人到白宫去做客，也听到了火星人用古怪的诗歌来回答，听上去充满了威胁性。他们也听到了刺耳的尖叫声（就是约瑟芬奶奶的尖叫），过了一会儿，他们又听见有人大叫，“快走！快走！快走！”（那是旺卡先生的吆喝。）没有一个人明白这些叫声是怎么回事，他们只能把它们当做火星语言。但当那八名神秘的宇航员忽然离开了太空旅馆，回到他们的玻璃太空船时，你几乎可以听到全世界人因为松了一口气所发出的巨大的叹息声。电报和信件像潮水般涌进白宫，祝贺总统如此出色地处理了这次危机。
总统本人仍然保持镇静，继续思索。他坐在他的写字台旁边，用大拇指和一个手指头搓着一块黏糊糊的橡皮糖。他正在等候机会，趁蒂布斯小姐看不见的时候把糖扔到她的身上。
他扔出去了，可是没有扔中蒂布斯小姐，却扔中了空军部长的鼻尖。
“你们以为火星人会接受我的邀请到白宫来吗？”总统问道。
“当然会。”外交部长说，“那是一篇精彩的演说，总统先生。”
“他们这会儿也许已经在路上了。”蒂布斯小姐说，“快去洗掉你手指上黏糊糊的橡皮糖吧。他们随时会来到这里。”
“让我们先唱一首歌。”总统说，“阿姨，请再唱一首关于我的歌吧……谢谢你。”
保姆的歌
我要歌颂的这个伟人，
是伟人中的伟人。
但他曾经是个小东西，
身长只有十八英寸。
我认识他时他还小，
我把他抱在膝盖上。
我常让他在便壶上坐，
等着他把屎拉光。
我一直给他洗脚，
给他剪指甲，
我给他梳头发擦鼻涕，
量体重看有没有增加。
他和所有的孩子一样，
幸福童年过得嘻嘻哈哈。
他不听话我要打，
他听话就不打他。
我很快就发现，
他这个人不聪明，
已经过了二十三，
读书写字还不行。
“我们怎么办？”他的双亲哭诉，
“这孩子就只会空想一大套！
连派报纸的工作，
他也找不到！”
“哈哈！”我说，“这小家伙
可以当个政治家。”
“阿姨，”他叫道，“噢，阿姨，
一个多么了不起的建议，顶呱呱！”
“好吧，”我说，“我就教你
政治艺术这门课。
我来教你怎样有意放过机会，
有意出点错，
怎样赢得人们的选票，
还教你许多小计策。
“我来教你一天作一篇演说词，
有关电影和电视。
演说词里千万要注意，
不要说你真正的意思。
“还有些事最要紧，
一定要刷牙，
一定要洗干净手指。”
如今我已八十九，
再后悔也没有用。
这件事情都怪我：
让这蠢材当了大总统。
“太好了，阿姨！”总统鼓掌喝彩，“万岁！”其他人大叫，“唱得好，副总统小姐！出色！
出色极了！”
“我的天！”总统说，“那些火星人随时要到这里来了！午餐我们请他们吃什么呢？我的总厨师在哪里？”
这位总厨师是一个法国人，也是一名法国间谍，这时候他正在总统书房的钥匙孔旁边偷听。“Ici, Monsieur le President！”（我在这里，总统先生！）他连忙冲进书房说。
“总厨师，”总统说，“火星人午餐是吃什么的？”
“火星条。”总厨师说。
“烤的还是煮的？”总统问道。
“当然是烤的，总统先生。火星条一煮就不好吃了！”
他们的话一下子被总统书房扩音器里宇航员沙克沃思的声音打断。“请指示，能允许我们和太空旅馆对接并登上去吗？”他说。
“允许，”总统说，“就这么办吧，沙克沃思。现在一切都解决了……多亏了我。”
于是由沙克沃思、香克斯和肖勒驾驶的大太空船，带着旅馆的经理、副经理、行李搬运员、糕点面包师傅、男女服务员和收拾房间的女侍应生，轻快地开过去和那巨大的太空旅馆对接。
“哎呀！我们电视的画面没有了。”总统叫道。
“我想是电视摄像机被太空旅馆撞坏了，总统先生。”沙克沃思回答说。总统对着话筒说了一句骂人的粗话，全国一千万儿童欢天喜地地重复这句话，结果被他们的爸爸妈妈打了耳光。
“全体宇航员和一百五十名旅馆职工都安全登上了太空旅馆！”沙克沃思在无线电里报告说，“我们如今正站在大厅里！”
“你认为这家旅馆怎么样？”总统问道。他知道全世界的人都在听着，希望沙克沃思说说它有多么富丽堂皇。沙克沃思绝不会使他丢脸的。
“啊！总统先生，简直是了不起！”他说，“真叫人难以置信！它是那么宏伟！还那么……根本找不到话来形容。它的的确确是豪华极了，特别是枝形吊灯和地毯等等！现在旅馆的总经理沃尔特•华尔先生正站在我的身边。他希望能有这个荣幸和你说句话，总统先生。”
“请他说吧。”总统说。
“总统先生，我是沃尔特•华尔。这是一家多么豪华的旅馆啊！装饰是一流的！”
“你看到地面上都铺满了地毯吗，沃尔特•华尔先生？”总统说。
“当然看到了，总统先生。”
“所有墙壁也都是贴上了墙纸的，沃尔特•华尔先生。”
“一点不错，总统先生！这不是极其了不起吗？能经营这样一家美丽的旅馆真是一件大快事……嘿！那边怎么啦？有样东西正从电梯里出来。救命啊！”总统书房里的扩音器里忽然传出一连串极其恐怖的尖叫声。“哎呀呀呀！哎哟哟哟！哎呀呀呀呀！救救救救命！救救救救救救命！救救救救救救命！”
“那里出什么事啦？”总统问道，“沙克沃思！你在那里吗？沙克沃思……香克斯！肖勒！
沃尔特•华尔先生！你们都在哪里？出什么事了？”
尖叫声持续不断，响得总统只好用手指塞住耳朵。全世界每一个有电视机或者收音机的人家都听到了这种可怕的尖叫声。还有别的喧闹声：很响的咕噜咕噜喉鸣声、哼哼的吸鼻子声和嘎吱嘎吱的咀嚼声，接着是一片死寂。
总统拼命在无线电里呼叫太空旅馆。休斯敦呼叫太空旅馆。总统呼叫休斯敦。休斯敦呼叫总统。接着他们双方都呼叫太空旅馆。但是毫无回音，太空里一片死寂。
“出什么该死的事情了？”总统说。
“是那些火星人。”前陆军部长说，“我跟你说过，让我把他们炸掉。”
“别吵！”总统呵斥他，“我得想一想。”
扩音器开始咯咯地响。“哈啰！”它说，“哈啰，哈啰！你们听到我的声音了吗？休斯敦太空控制中心有人在吗？”
总统连忙抓起写字台上的话筒。“让我来回答吧，休斯敦！”他叫道，“我是吉利格拉斯总统，你的话听到了，又响亮又清楚！说下去吧！”
“我是宇航员沙克沃思。总统先生，我们已经回到了太空运输船……谢天谢地！”
“出什么事了，沙克沃思？什么人和你在一起？”
“绝大多数人都在这里，总统先生。我很高兴告诉你，香克斯和肖勒和我在一起，还有一大群人。我猜想我们可能失去了二十来个人，包括糕点面包师傅、行李搬运员等。我们没命地逃出了那个地方！”
“你们失去了二十来个人，这是什么意思？”总统叫道，“你们怎么会失去他们的？”
“被吃掉了！”沙克沃思回答说，“一口一个，就是这么回事！我看见一位六英尺高的副经理被吃下去，就像你吞下一口冰淇淋那样，总统先生！连嚼也不嚼——完全不当一回事！一转眼就吞下去了！”
“被谁吞下去了？”总统叫道，“谁吞下了他？”
“等一等！”沙克沃思叫道，“噢，我的天！现在它们全都来了！它们来追我们！它们正在蜂拥着走出太空旅馆！一大群一大群地出来！请原谅我停一会儿，总统先生，现在没有时间说话了！”
10 Transport Capsule in Trouble — Attack No. 1
10 Transport Capsule in Trouble — Attack No. 1
While Shuckworth, Shanks and Showler were being chased outof the Space Hotel by the Knids, Mr Wonka's Great GlassElevator was orbiting the Earth at tremendous speed. MrWonka had all his booster-rockets firing and the Elevator wasreaching speeds of thirty-four thousand miles an hour insteadof the normal seventeen thousand. They were trying, you see,to get away from that huge angry Vermicious Knid with thepurple behind. Mr Wonka wasn't afraid of it, but GrandmaJosephine was petrified. Every time she looked at it, she let outa piercing scream and clapped her hands over her eyes. Butof course thirty-four thousand miles an hour is dawdling to aKnid. Healthy young Knids think nothing of travelling a millionmiles between lunch and supper, and then another millionbefore breakfast the next day. How else could they travelbetween the planet Vermes and other stars? Mr Wonka shouldhave known this and saved his rocket-power, but he kept righton going and the giant Knid kept right on cruising effortlesslyalongside, glaring into the Elevator with its wicked red eye. 'Youpeople have bruised my backside,' the Knid seemed to besaying, 'and in the end I'm going to get you for that.'
They had been streaking around the Earth like this for aboutforty-five minutes when Charlie, who was floating comfortablybeside Grandpa Joe near the ceiling, said suddenly, 'There'ssomething ahead! Can you see it, Grandpa? Straight in front ofus!'
'I can, Charlie, I can … Good heavens, it's the Space Hotel!' 'Itcan't be, Grandpa. We left it miles behind us long ago.'
' Ah-ha,' said Mr Wonka. 'We've been going so fast we'vegone all the way around the Earth and caught up with itagain! A splendid effort!'
'And there's the Transport Capsule! Can you see it, Grandpa?
It's just behind the Space Hotel!'
'There's something else there, too, Charlie, if I'm not mistaken!'
'I know what those are!' screamed Grandma Josephine.
'They're Vermicious Knids! Turn back at once!'
'Reverse!' yelled Grandma Georgina. 'Go the other way!'
'Dear lady,' said Mr Wonka. 'This isn't a car on the motorway.
When you are in orbit, you cannot stop and you cannot gobackwards.'
'I don't care about that!' shouted Grandma Josephine. 'Put onthe brakes! Stop! Back-pedal!
The Knids'll get us!'
'Now let's for heaven's sake stop this nonsense once and forall,' Mr Wonka said sternly. 'You know very well my Elevatoris completely Knidproof. You have nothing to fear.'
They were closer now and they could see the Knids pouringout from the tail of the Space Hotel and swarming like waspsaround the Transport Capsule.
'They're attacking it!' cried Charlie. 'They're after the TransportCapsule!'
It was a fearsome sight. The huge green egg-shaped Knidswere grouping themselves into squadrons with about twentyKnids to a squadron. Then each squadron formed itself into aline abreast, with one yard between Knids. Then, one afteranother, the squadrons began attacking the Transport Capsule.
They attacked in reverse with their pointed rear-ends in frontand they came in at a fantastic speed.
WHAM! One squadron attacked, bounced off and wheeledaway.
CRASH! Another squadron smashed against the side of theTransport Capsule.
'Get us out of here, you madman!' screamed GrandmaJosephine. 'What are you waiting for?'
'They'll be coming after us next!' yelled Grandma Georgina. 'Forheaven's sake, man, turn back!'
'I doubt very much if that capsule of theirs is Knidproof,' saidMr Wonka.
'Then we must help them!' cried Charlie. 'We've got to dosomething! There are a hundred and fifty people inside thatthing!'
Down on the Earth, in the White House study, the Presidentand his advisers were listening in horror to the voices of theastronauts over the radio.
'They're coming at us in droves!' Shuckworth was shouting.
'They're bashing us to bits!' 'But who?' yelled the President.
'You haven't even told us who's attacking you!'
'These dirty great greenish-brown brutes with red eyes!'
shouted Shanks, butting in. 'They're shaped like enormous eggsand they're coming at us backwards!'
'Backwards?' cried the President. 'Why backwards?'
'Because their bottoms are even more pointy than their tops!'
shouted Shuckworth. 'Look out! Here comes another lot!'
BANG! 'We won't be able to stand this much longer, MrPresident! The waitresses are screaming and the chambermaidsare all hysterical and the bell-boys are being sick and the hallporters are saying their prayers so what shall we do, MrPresident, sir, what on earth shall we do?'
'Fire your rockets, you idiot, and make a re-entry!' shouted thePresident. 'Come back to Earth immediately!'
'That's impossible!' cried Showler. 'They've busted our rockets!
They've smashed them to smithereens!'
'We're cooked, Mr President!' shouted Shanks. 'We're done for!
Because even if they don't succeed in destroying the capsule,we'll have to stay up here in orbit for the rest of our lives!
We can't make a re-entry without rockets!'
The President was sweating and the sweat ran all the waydown the back of his neck and inside his collar.
'Any moment now, Mr President,' Shanks went on, 'we're goingto lose contact with you altogether! There's another lot comingat us from the left and they're aiming straight for our radioaerial! Here they come! I don't think we'll be able to …' Thevoice cut. The radio went dead.
'Shanks!' cried the President. 'Where are you, Shanks? …Shuckworth! Shanks! Showler! … Showlworth! Shucks! Shankler!
… Shankworth! Show! Shuckler! Why don't you answer me?!'
Up in the Great Glass Elevator where they had no radio andcould hear nothing of these conversations, Charlie was saying,'Surely their only hope is to make a re-entry and dive back toEarth quickly!'
'Yes,' said Mr Wonka. 'But in order to re-enter the Earth'satmosphere they've got to kick themselves out of orbit. They'vegot to change course and head downwards and to do thatthey need rockets! But their rocket tubes are all dented andbent! You can see that from here! They're crippled!'
'Why can't we tow them down?' Charlie asked.
Mr Wonka jumped. Even though he was floating, he somehowjumped. He was so excited he shot upwards and hit his headon the ceiling. Then he spun round three times in the air andcried, 'Charlie! You've got it! That's it! We'll tow them out oforbit! To the buttons, quick!'
'What do we tow them with?' asked Grandpa Joe. 'Ourneckties?'
'Don't you worry about a little thing like that!' cried MrWonka. 'My Great Glass Elevator is ready for anything! In wego! Into the breach, dear friends, into the breach!'
'Stop him!' screamed Grandma Josephine.
'You be quiet, Josie,' said Grandpa Joe. 'There's someone overthere needs a helping hand and it's our job to give it. Ifyou're frightened, you'd better just close your eyes tight andstick your fingers in your ears.'
10　太空运输船遇险
10　太空运输船遇险
正当沙克沃思、香克斯和肖勒被那些蠕虫克尼德追赶着逃出太空旅馆的时候，旺卡先生的大玻璃升降机正以惊人的速度绕着地球运行。旺卡先生在不断发射他的助推火箭，升降机的速度已达每小时三万四千英里，而不是正常的一万七千英里。你知道，他们是想甩掉那屁股上有个乌青肿包、正在大发脾气的巨大克尼德。旺卡先生并不怕它，但约瑟芬奶奶却吓呆了。她每次一看见它就刺耳地尖声大叫，双手吧嗒捂住自己的眼睛。当然，每小时三万四千英里对克尼德来说只等于“散步”。对于年轻力壮的克尼德来说，从午餐到晚餐的一段时间里走一百万英里，到第二天早餐前再走一百万英里，它们根本不当一回事。不然，它们怎能在蠕虫星和其他星球之间航行呢？旺卡先生本该知道这一点，好省下他的助推火箭，但他还是不管三七二十一拼命地逃走，而巨大的克尼德一直轻松地飞在他们旁边，用那只邪恶的红眼睛盯住升降机，好像在说：“你们撞伤了我的屁股，我要你们偿还这笔债。”
他们就这样绕着地球转了大约四十五分钟，在天花板下舒舒服服地飘在约瑟夫爷爷身边的查理忽然说：“前面有什么东西？你看见吗，爷爷？就在我们前面！”
“我看见了，查理，我看见了……天啊，是太空旅馆！”
“不可能，爷爷。我们早就把它甩在后面无数英里了。”
“哈哈！”旺卡先生说，“我们飞得那么快，又是一路绕着地球转，当然又追上它了！了不起的成就！”
“还有太空运输船！你看见了吗，爷爷？它就在太空旅馆后面！”
“那里还有别的东西。查理，如果我没有看错的话！”
“我知道那些是什么东西。”约瑟芬奶奶尖声叫道，“它们是蠕虫克尼德！我们马上向后转！”
“后退！”乔治娜姥姥大叫，“改路走！”
“亲爱的老太太，”旺卡先生说，“这不是一辆在马路上行驶的汽车，它在轨道上既不能停也不能后退。”
“这个我不管！”约瑟芬奶奶叫道，“刹车！停止！后退！克尼德会赶上我们！”
“看在老天爷的分上，我们停止说这种废话吧！”旺卡先生坚决地说，“你们很清楚，我们的升降机是绝对防克尼德的。你们根本用不着害怕。”
他们现在已经飞近了，可以看到那些蠕虫克尼德从太空旅馆鱼贯而出，像一群黄蜂那样包围着太空运输船。
“克尼德在向太空运输船进攻！”查理叫道，“它们在追赶太空运输船！”
这是一个吓人的场面。那些绿色的蛋形克尼德分成一队队，每队约二十只。每一队排成一行，一只只克尼德相隔一码，然后一队接一队开始轮番进攻太空运输船。它们让尖尖的尾部在前倒退着进攻，以惊人的速度冲过来。
砰！一队克尼德撞过来，弹开，旋转着离去。
砰！又一队克尼德向太空运输船的侧面猛撞过来。
“我们快离开这里，你这疯子！”约瑟芬奶奶尖声叫道，“你还等什么？”
“接下来它们就要追我们了！”乔治娜姥姥大叫，“老天爷在上，你这家伙，快转回去！”
“我十分怀疑他们的太空船是不是防克尼德的。”旺卡先生说。
“那我们必须去救他们！”查理叫道，“我们得去救他们！那太空船里有一百五十个人！”
在下面地球上白宫的书房里，总统和他那些顾问正紧张地听着无线电里宇航员们的声音。
“它们正一群群地向我们扑来！”沙克沃思已经在急叫了，“它们正要把我们撞个粉碎！”
“但它们是谁？”总统叫道，“你还没有告诉我们，是谁在向你们进攻？”
“是些该死的绿棕色巨兽，长着红色的眼睛！”香克斯插进来嚷着说，“它们的形状像大鸡蛋，全都倒退着向我们冲过来！”
“倒退着冲过来？”总统叫着，“为什么倒退着？”
“因为它们的后面比前面尖！”沙克沃思叫道，“小心！另外一群又来了！我们可能支持不下去了，总统先生！那些女服务员已经在哇哇大叫，收拾房间的女侍应生全都变得歇斯底里，男服务员在呕吐，行李搬运员在祷告，那么，我们该怎么办呢？总统先生，我们应该怎么办呢？”
“发射火箭，你这蠢材，赶快重返大气层！”总统大叫，“马上回到地球上来！”
“这是不可能的！”肖勒叫道，“它们已经撞坏了我们的火箭！它们已经把火箭撞了个粉碎！”
“我们完了，总统先生！”香克斯叫道，“我们没命了！就算它们不摧毁我们这艘太空船，我们也只好永远留在这轨道上！没有火箭我们没有办法返航！”
总统满头大汗，汗水从他的脖子上流下来，流到他的衣领里面。
“现在我随时可能和你失去联系，总统先生！”香克斯说下去，“另一群怪兽正从我们的左边冲过来，对准了我们的无线电天线！它们来了，我认为我们不可能……”声音没有了，通讯中止了。
“香克斯！”总统叫道，“你在哪里，香克斯……沙克沃思！香克斯！肖勒……肖沃思！沙克思！香克勒……香克沃思！肖沙克勒！你们为什么不回答我的话？”
在上面的大玻璃升降机里没有无线电，当然完全听不到这些对话，这时查理正在说：“他们唯一的希望就是重返大气层，马上回到地球上去！”
“是的，”旺卡先生说，“但要重返大气层，必须先离开轨道。他们必须改变方向，让头朝下，而要这样做，必须借助火箭！但他们的火箭发射管全都瘪了、弯了！从这里可以看到，它们全都变成了废物！”
“我们为什么不能把他们拖下来呢？”查理问道。
旺卡先生跳起来。虽然是飘着，他还是跳了起来。他兴奋得往上冲，头在天花板上碰了一下。接着他在空中转了三圈，大叫道：“查理！办法让你给想出来了！一点不错，正是这样！我们来把他们拖出轨道！到按钮那里去，快！”
“我们用什么来拖他们呢？”约瑟夫爷爷问道，“用我们的领带吗？”
“这点小事犯不着你操心！”旺卡先生叫道，“我这架大玻璃升降机无所不能！挺身去担当重任吧，亲爱的朋友们，挺身而出吧！”
“阻止他！”约瑟芬奶奶哇哇大叫。
“你别吵，约瑟芬。”约瑟夫爷爷说，“那里需要帮助，我们有责任去帮他们一把。如果你害怕，你最好闭紧眼睛，用手指堵住耳朵。”
11 The Battle of the Knids
11 The Battle of the Knids
'Grandpa Joe, sir!' shouted Mr Wonka. 'Kindly j et yourselfover to the far corner of the
Elevator there and turn that handle! It lowers the rope!'
'A rope's no good, Mr Wonka! The Knids will bite through arope in one second!'
'It's a steel rope,' said Mr Wonka. 'It's made of re-inscorchedsteel. If they try to bite through that their teeth will splinter likespillikins! To your buttons, Charlie! You've got to help memanoeuvre! We're going right over the top of the TransportCapsule and then we'll try to hook on to it somewhere andget a firm hold!'
Like a battleship going into action, the Great Glass Elevatorwith booster rockets firing moved smoothly in over the top ofthe enormous Transport Capsule. The Knids immediatelystopped attacking the Capsule and went for the Elevator.
Squadron after squadron of giant Vermicious Knids flungthemselves furiously against Mr Wonka's marvellous machine!
WHAM! CRASH! BANG! The noise was thunderous andterrible. The Elevator was tossed about the sky like a leaf, andinside it, Grandma Josephine, Grandma Georgina and GrandpaGeorge, floating in their nightshirts, were all yowling andscreeching and flapping their arms and calling for help. MrsBucket had wrapped her arms around Mr Bucket and wasclasping him so tightly that one of his shirt buttons puncturedhis skin. Charlie and Mr Wonka, as cool as two cubes of ice,were up near the ceiling working the booster-rocket controls,and Grandpa Joe, shouting war-cries and throwing curses atthe Knids, was down below turning the handle that unwoundthe steel rope. At the same time, he was watching the ropethrough the glass floor of the Elevator.
'Starboard a bit, Charlie!' shouted Grandpa Joe. 'We're right ontop of her now! … Forward a couple of yards, Mr Wonka! …I'm trying to get the hook hooked around that stumpy thingsticking out in front there! … Hold it! … I've got it … That's it!
… Forward a little now and see if it holds! … More! … More!
…' The big steel rope tightened. It held! And now, wonder ofwonders, with her booster-rockets blazing, the Elevator began totow the huge Transport Capsule forward and away!
'Full speed ahead!' shouted Grandpa Joe. 'She's going to hold!
She's holding! She's holding fine!'
'All boosters firing!' cried Mr Wonka, and the Elevator leapedahead. Still the rope held. Mr Wonka jetted himself down toGrandpa Joe and shook him warmly by the hand. 'Well done,sir,' he said. 'You did a brilliant job under heavy fire!'
Charlie looked back at the Transport Capsule some thirty yardsbehind them on the end of the tow-line. It had little windowsup front, and in the windows he could clearly see theflabbergasted faces of Shuckworth, Shanks and Showler. Charliewaved to them and gave them the thumbs-up signal. Theydidn't wave back. They simply gaped. They couldn't believewhat was happening.
Grandpa Joe blew himself upward and hovered beside Charlie,bubbling with excitement. 'Charlie, my boy,' he said. 'We'vebeen through a few funny things together lately, but neveranything like this!'
'Grandpa, where are the Knids? They've suddenly vanished!'
Everyone looked round. The only Knid in sight was their oldfriend with the purple behind, still cruising alongside in its usualplace, still glaring into the Elevator.
'Just a minute!' cried Grandma Josephine. 'What's that I seeover there?' Again they looked, and this time, sure enough,away in the distance, in the deep blue sky of outer space, theysaw a massive cloud of Vermicious Knids wheeling and circlinglike a fleet of bombers.
'If you think we're out of the woods yet, you're crazy!' shoutedGrandma Georgina. 'I fear no Knids!' said Mr Wonka. 'We'vegot them beaten now!'
'Poppyrot and pigwash!' said Grandma Josephine. 'Any momentnow they'll be at us again! Look at them! They're coming in!
They're coming closer!'
This was true. The huge fleet of Knids had moved in atincredible speed and was now flying level with the Great GlassElevator, a couple of hundred yards away on the right-handside. The one with the bump on its rear-end was much closer,only twenty yards away on the same side.
'It's changing shape!' cried Charlie. 'That nearest one! What's itgoing to do? It's getting longer and longer!' And indeed it was.
The mammoth egg-shaped body was slowly stretching itself outlike chewing-gum, becoming longer and longer and thinner andthinner, until in the end it looked exactly like a longslimy-green serpent as thick as a thick tree and as long as afootball pitch. At the front end were the eyes, big and whitewith red centres, at the back a kind of tapering tail and at thevery end of the tail was the enormous round swollen bump ithad got when it crashed against the glass.
The people floating inside the Elevator watched and waited.
Then they saw the long rope-like Knid turning and comingstraight but quite slowly toward the Great Glass Elevator. Nowit began actually wrapping its ropy body around the Elevatoritself. Once around it went … then twice around, and veryhorrifying it was to be inside and to see the soft green bodysquishing against the outside of the glass no more than a fewinches away.
'It's tying us up like a parcel!' yelled Grandma Josephine.
'Bunkum!' said Mr Wonka.
'It's going to crush us in its coils!' wailed Grandma Georgina.
'Never!' said Mr Wonka.
Charlie glanced quickly back at the Transport Capsule. Thesheet-white faces of Shuckworth, Shanks and Showler werepressed against the glass of the little windows, terror-struck,stupefied, stunned, their mouths open, their expressions frozenlike fish fingers. Once again, Charlie gave them the thumbs-upsignal. Showler acknowledged it with a sickly grin, but that wasall.
'Oh, oh, oh!' screamed Grandma Josephine. 'Get that beastlysquishy thing away from here!'
Having curled its body twice around the Elevator, the Knidnow proceeded to tie a knot with its two ends, a good strongknot, left over right, then right over left. When it had pulledthe knot tight, there remained about five yards of one endhanging loose. This was the end with the eyes on it. But itdidn't hang loose for long. It quickly curled itself into the shapeof a huge hook and the hook stuck straight out sideways fromthe Elevator as though waiting for something else to hook itselfon to it.
While all this was going on, nobody had noticed what theother Knids were up to. 'Mr Wonka!' Charlie cried. 'Look atthe others! What are they doing?'
What indeed?
These, too, had all changed shape and had become longer, butnot nearly so long or so thin as the first one. Each of themhad turned itself into a kind of thick rod and the rod wascurled around at both ends — at the tail end and at the headend — so that it made a double-ended hook. And now all thehooks were linking up into one long chain … one thousandKnids … all joining together and curving around in the sky tomake a chain of Knids half a mile long or more! And the Knidat the very front of the chain (whose front hook was not, ofcourse, hooked up to anything) was leading them in a widecircle and sweeping in toward the Great Glass Elevator.
'Hey!' shouted Grandpa Joe. 'They're going to hook up withthis brute who's tied himself around us!'
'And tow us away!' cried Charlie.
'To the planet Vermes,' gasped Grandma Josephine. 'Eighteenthousand four hundred and twenty-seven million miles fromhere!'
'They can't do that!' cried Mr Wonka. 'We're doing the towingaround here!'
'They're going to link up, Mr Wonka!' Charlie said. 'They reallyare! Can't we stop them? They're going to tow us away andthey're going to tow the people we're towing away as well!'
'Do something, you old fool!' shrieked Grandma Georgina.
'Don't just float about looking at them!'
'I must admit,' said Mr Wonka, 'that for the first time in mylife I find myself at a bit of a loss.'
They all stared in horror through the glass at the long chain ofVermicious Knids. The leader of the chain was coming closerand closer. The hook, with two big angry eyes on it, was outand ready. In thirty seconds it would link up with the hook ofthe Knid wrapped around the Elevator.
'I want to go home!' wailed Grandma Josephine. 'Why can't weall go home?'
'Great thundering tomcats!' cried Mr Wonka. 'Home is right!
What on earth am I thinking of! Come on, Charlie! Quick!
Re-entry! You take the yellow button! Press it for all you'reworth! I'll handle this lot!' Charlie and Mr Wonka literally flewto the buttons. 'Hold your hats!' shouted Mr Wonka. 'Grabyour gizzards! We're going down!'
Rockets started firing out of the Elevator from all sides. It tiltedand gave a sickening lurch and then plunged downward intothe Earth's atmosphere at a simply colossal speed.
'Retro-rockets!' bellowed Mr Wonka. 'I mustn't forget to fire theretro-rockets!' He flew over to another series of buttons andstarted playing on them like a piano.
The Elevator was now streaking downward head first, upsidedown, and all the passengers found themselves floating upsidedown as well. 'Help!' screamed Grandma Georgina. 'All theblood's going to my head!'
'Then turn yourself the other way up,' said Mr Wonka. 'That'seasy enough, isn't it?'
Everyone blew and puffed and turned somersaults in the airuntil at last they were all the right way up. 'How's thetow-rope holding, Grandpa?' Mr Wonka called out.
'They're still with us, Mr Wonka, sir! The rope's holding fine!'
It was an amazing sight — the Glass Elevator streaking downtoward the Earth with the huge Transport Capsule in towbehind it. But the long chain of Knids was coming after them,following them down, keeping pace with them easily, and nowthe hook of the leading Knid in the chain was actually reachingout and grasping for the hook made by the Knid on theElevator!
'We're too late!' screamed Grandma Georgina. 'They're going tolink up and haul us back!'
'I think not,' said Mr Wonka. 'Don't you remember whathappens when a Knid enters the Earth's atmosphere at highspeed? He gets red-hot. He burns away in a long fiery trail.
He becomes a shooting Knid. Soon these dirty beasts will startpopping like popcorn!'
As they streaked on downward, sparks began to fly off thesides of the Elevator. The glass glowed pink, then red, thenscarlet. Sparks also began to fly on the long chain of Knids,and the leading Knid in the chain started to shine like ared-hot poker. So did all the others. So did the great slimybrute coiled around the Elevator itself. This one, in fact, wastrying frantically to uncoil itself and get away, but it was havingtrouble untying the knot, and in another ten seconds it beganto sizzle. Inside the Elevator they could actually hear it sizzling.
It made a noise like bacon frying. And exactly the same sortof thing was happening to the other one thousand Knids inthe chain. The tremendous heat was simply sizzling them up.
They were red-hot, every one of them. Then suddenly, theybecame white-hot and they gave out a dazzling white light.
'They're shooting Knids!' cried Charlie.
'What a splendid sight,' said Mr Wonka. 'It's better thanfireworks.'
In a few seconds more, the Knids had blown away in a cloudof ashes and it was all over. 'We've done it!' cried Mr Wonka.
'They've been roasted to a crisp! They've been frizzled to afritter! We're saved!'
'What do you mean saved?' said Grandma Josephine. 'We'll allbe frizzled ourselves if this goes on any longer! We'll bebarbecued like beefsteaks! Look at that glass! It's hotter than afizzgig!'
'Have no fears, dear lady,' answered Mr Wonka. 'My Elevatoris air-conditioned, ventilated, aerated and automated in everypossible way. We're going to be all right now.'
'I haven't the faintest idea what's been going on,' said MrsBucket, making one of her rare speeches. 'But whatever it is, Idon't like it.'
'Aren't you enjoying it, Mother?' Charlie asked her. 'No,' shesaid. 'I'm not. Nor is your father.'
'What a great sight it is!' said Mr Wonka. 'Just look at theEarth down there, Charlie, getting bigger and bigger!'
'And us going to meet it at two thousand miles an hour!'
groaned Grandma Georgina. 'How are you going to slow down,for heaven's sake? You didn't think of that, did you!'
'He's got parachutes,' Charlie told her. 'I'll bet he's got greatbig parachutes that open just before we hit.'
'Parachutes!' said Mr Wonka with contempt. 'Parachutes areonly for astronauts and sissies! And anyway, we don't want toslow down. We want to speed up. I've told you already we'vegot to be going at an absolutely tremendous speed when wehit. Otherwise we'll never punch our way in through the roofof the Chocolate Factory.'
'How about the Transport Capsule?' Charlie asked anxiously.
'We'll be letting them go in a few seconds now,' Mr Wonkaanswered. 'They do have parachutes, three of them, to slowthem down on the last bit.'
'How do you know we won't land in the Pacific Ocean?' saidGrandma Josephine. 'I don't,' said Mr Wonka. 'But we allknow how to swim, do we not?' 'This man,' shouted GrandmaJosephine, 'is crazy as a crumpet!' 'He's cracked as a crayfish!'
cried Grandma Georgina.
Down and down plunged the Great Glass Elevator. Nearer andnearer came the Earth below. Oceans and continents rushedup to meet them, getting bigger every second …'Grandpa Joe, sir! Throw out the rope! Let it go!' ordered MrWonka. 'They'll be all right now so long as their parachutesare working.'
'Rope gone!' called out Grandpa Joe, and the huge TransportCapsule, on its own now, began to swing away to one side.
Charlie waved to the three astronauts in the front window.
None of them waved back. They were still sitting there in akind of shocked daze, gaping at the old ladies and the oldmen and the small boy floating about in the Glass Elevator.
'It won't be long now,' said Mr Wonka, reaching for a row oftiny pale blue buttons in one corner. 'We shall soon knowwhether we are alive or dead. Keep very quiet please for thisfinal bit. I have to concentrate awfully hard, otherwise we'llcome down in the wrong place.'
They plunged into a thick bank of cloud and for ten secondsthey could see nothing. When they came out of the cloud, theTransport Capsule had disappeared, and the Earth was veryclose, and there was only a great spread of land beneath themwith mountains and forests … then fields and trees … then asmall town.
'There it is!' shouted Mr Wonka. 'My Chocolate Factory! Mybeloved Chocolate Factory!' 'You mean Charlie's ChocolateFactory,' said Grandpa Joe.
'That's right!' said Mr Wonka, addressing Charlie. 'I'd cleanforgotten! I do apologize to you, my dear boy! Of course it'syours! And here we go!'
Through the glass floor of the Elevator, Charlie caught a quickglimpse of the huge red roof and the tall chimneys of the giantfactory. They were plunging straight down on to it.
'Hold your breath!' shouted Mr Wonka. 'Hold your nose!
Fasten your seat-belts and say your prayers! We're goingthrough the roof!'
11　克尼德大战
11　克尼德大战
“约瑟夫爷爷！”旺卡先生叫道，“请你吹气飞到升降机那边的尽头上，把那个把手转一转！它会放下缆绳！”
“缆绳没有用，旺卡先生！克尼德一秒钟就能把它咬断！”
“这是钢缆。”旺卡先生说，“是用防火钢做的。如果克尼德想咬断它，它们只会把它们的牙齿咬碎！到你的按钮那里去，查理！你要帮助我！我们一直飞到太空运输船的顶上，想办法钩住它某个部位，把它钩紧！”
大玻璃升降机像一艘军舰投入战斗。它发射助推火箭，轻快地飞到巨大的太空运输船顶上。那些克尼德马上停止进攻太空船，转过来对付升降机。庞大的克尼德一队接一队冲上来，狠狠地撞击旺卡先生那架了不起的升降机！砰！砰！砰！声音像打雷，非常可怕。升降机在太空中像一片树叶那样左摇右晃。在它里面，穿着睡袍飘来飘去的约瑟芬奶奶、乔治娜姥姥和乔治姥爷全都在大喊大叫，挥舞着双臂大叫救命。巴克特太太紧紧地抱着巴克特先生，紧得巴克特先生的一颗纽扣压痛了他的皮肤。查理和旺卡先生冷静得像两块冰，正在上面靠近天花板的地方操纵着助推火箭发射装置。约瑟夫爷爷在底下一面呐喊，大骂克尼德，一向转动把手松开钢缆。与此同时，他透过升降机的玻璃地板看着那条钢缆垂下去。
“略微向右，查理！”约瑟夫爷爷叫道，“现在我们就在太空船顶上了……再向前两码，旺卡先生……我还在尝试用钩子钩住太空船前面那突出来的东西……别动！我钩住了……钩好了！现在往前一点，看清楚是不是钩紧了……再往前一点……再往前一点……”粗大的钢缆绷紧，它钩紧了！这真是奇迹中的奇迹，升降机发射的助推火箭闪闪发光，它开始拉动巨大的太空运输船，拖着它走！
“全速前进！”约瑟夫爷爷叫道，“拉住它了！已经拉住了！拉得很好！”
“发射全部的助推火箭！”旺卡先生叫道，升降机向前冲去，钢缆仍旧拉着。旺卡先生舒了一口气，让自己落到约瑟夫爷爷身边，和他热烈握手。“做得好，爷爷。”他说，“你在密集的炮火当中把任务完成得非常出色！”
查理回过头去看在他们后面约三十码、在拖缆那端的太空运输船。透过太空船前部的小窗子，能看到沙克沃思、香克斯和肖勒吃惊的脸。查理向他们招手，竖起大拇指。他们并不招手回答，只是目瞪口呆，不敢相信正在发生的事。
约瑟夫爷爷吹了一口气飞上半空，盘旋在查理身边，兴奋得哈哈大笑。“查理啊，我的乖孙孙。”他说，“我们最近合作了好几件有趣的事情，但是没有一件能够跟这一件相比！”
“爷爷，那些克尼德在哪里？它们忽然不见了！”
大家环视四周，唯一能看见的克尼德只有他们的老朋友——屁股上有个紫包的，它仍旧在老地方傍着他们在飞驰，注视着升降机的里面。
“等一等！”约瑟芬奶奶叫道，“那边我看见的是什么？”他们看过去，这回一点也不假，在远处外太空的深蓝天空上，他们看到那些蠕虫克尼德黑压压的一大片，像一队轰炸机在打转。
“如果以为我们已经脱险，那就是发疯了！”乔治娜姥姥叫道。
“我不怕克尼德！”旺卡先生说，“我们现在把它们打败了！”
“烂菜和剩菜！”约瑟芬奶奶说，“它们现在随时会再进攻我们的！看看它们！它们来了！
它们更近了！”
真的，这一大批克尼德正在以让人难以相信的速度飞来，现在和玻璃大升降机平行，离升降机的右侧约有两百码，屁股起包的一只最近，只有二十码。
“它在变形了！”查理叫道，“那最近的一只！它想干什么？它变得越来越长了！”确实如此。那巨大的蛋形身体像橡皮糖那样慢慢地伸展，愈来愈长，愈来愈细，最后变得完全像一条滑溜溜的绿色巨蟒，有一棵大树那么粗，有一个足球场那么长。前端有眼睛，大而白，中间是红色的瞳孔，尾巴尖端还是那个大圆肿包，是它自己撞玻璃时撞出来的。
在升降机里飘来飘去的人看着，等着。没过多久，他们看见这条像长绳子一样的克尼德转过身，笔直地向大玻璃升降机慢慢地移近。现在它用绳子一样的身体环绕升降机，绕了一圈又一圈。在升降机里面看着那柔软的绿色身体缠绕在玻璃外面，距离他们不过几英寸，那真是恐怖到了极点。
“它打算把我们打成一个包裹！”约瑟芬奶奶叫道。
“废话！”旺卡先生说。
“它要用盘起来的身体绞碎我们！”乔治娜姥姥焦急地大叫。
“永远办不到！”旺卡先生说。
查理急忙回过头去看后面的太空运输船。沙克沃思、香克斯和肖勒的白得像纸的脸贴着小玻璃窗，惊惶、发愣、不知所措，他们嘴巴张开，表情呆板得像冷藏的炸鱼条。查理再一次向他们翘翘大拇指。肖勒只是傻笑了一下。
“噢！噢！噢！”约瑟芬奶奶急叫道，“把这黏糊糊的可怕东西赶开！”
这克尼德把升降机绕了两圈以后，便用它的头尾两端打了一个结结实实的结，左端搭到右端，右端搭到左端。它把结拉紧以后，有一端空出约五码。这是有眼睛的一端。但这一端很快又卷成一个大钩子。这钩子伸出去，好像等着要和什么东西钩在一起似的。
当这一切正在进行时，没有人注意到其他那些克尼德在上面做什么。“旺卡先生！”查理叫道，“你快看其他的克尼德！它们在干什么？”
真的，它们在干什么呢？
这些克尼德已经变形，变长了，但没有他们旁边的那条长，因此也没有它那么细。它们每一条像根粗棍，头部和尾部两端都各自卷起来，成了双钩。现在所有的克尼德都用两端的钩子互相钩起来，连成一根长链……一千只克尼德全都连在一起，在太空上形成弯弯的、一条长半英里多的克尼德链子！链子最前面的一只克尼德（它前面的钩子当然没有钩住任何东西）带领其他克尼德围成一个大圈，向大玻璃升降机飞来。
“哎呀！”约瑟夫爷爷叫道，“它们是要来和裹住我们的这一只克尼德钩在一起！”
“并且把我们拖走！”查理叫道。
“拖到蠕虫星去。”约瑟芬奶奶气也透不过来，“离开这里一百八十四亿二千七百万英里！”
“它们办不到！”旺卡先生叫道，“是我们正在这里拖！”
“它们要连接起来，旺卡先生！”查理说，“它们的确要连接起来！我们不能阻止它们连接起来吗？它们要把我们拖走，同时要把我们正在拖走的人拖走！”
“想想办法吧，你这老傻瓜！”乔治娜姥姥尖声大叫，“不要就这样飘来飘去看着它们！”
“我必须承认，”旺卡先生说，“有生以来，我还是第一次遇到点挫折。”
所有的人惊慌地透过玻璃看着那条蠕虫克尼德长链。带头的那只克尼德愈来愈近。它伸长了有两只怒气冲冲的大眼睛的钩子等待着。再过三十秒钟，这钩子就要和裹住升降机的克尼德的钩子钩在一起了。
“我要回家！”约瑟芬奶奶哇哇地叫，“为什么我们大家不能回家？”
“轰隆轰隆叫的大公猫！”旺卡先生叫道，“回家，一点不错！我的脑子想到哪里去啦！来吧，查理！快！重返大气层！你管那黄色按钮，用力按下去！我管这几个按钮！”查理和旺卡先生分别飞到他们的按钮那里。“按紧你们的帽子！”旺卡先生叫道，“抱紧你们的肚子！我们要下去了！”
火箭从升降机的四面八方发射出去，升降机一侧身，叫人想吐。它突然倾斜，随即高速向下冲进地球的大气层。“助推火箭！”旺卡先生叫道，“我绝不能忘记发射助推火箭！”他飞到另一组按钮那里，开始像弹钢琴一样按按钮。
现在升降机头向下倒过来直往下冲，所有的乘客也倒过头来飘来飘去。“救命啊！”乔治娜姥姥尖声大叫，“所有的血都冲到我的头上来了！”
“那么你翻过来吧，让头在上。”旺卡先生说，“这太容易了，不是吗？”
所有的人吹气，在空气中翻了一个筋斗，直到头在上脚在下。“拖缆怎么样啊，爷爷？”旺卡先生大声地问。
“它们还是在我们后面跟着，旺卡先生！拖缆很好！”
这真是一个奇观——玻璃升降机直向地球俯冲，后面拖着那架巨大的太空运输船。而那条克尼德长链紧紧地跟着他们下来，眼看轻而易举地就要追上了。现在链子头上那只带头的克尼德已经伸出它的钩子，要钩住升降机上那只克尼德所伸出的钩子！
“我们来不及了！”乔治娜姥姥叫道，“它们要连接起来把我们拖回去了！”
“我想不会。”旺卡先生说，“你不记得，克尼德高速进入地球大气层的时候会发生什么事吗？它会变得炙热无比，烧成像流星那样的一道长长的光，变成一只‘流克尼德’。这些该死的野兽将要劈里啪啦的像爆玉米花！”
他们就这样直往下冲，升降机边上开始溅出火花。玻璃先是映成粉红色，接着映成猩红色。克尼德长链也开始溅出火星，带头的一只克尼德像一根烧红的铁棍那样闪起光来，其他的克尼德莫不如此。裹住升降机的那只细长凶煞也是一样。说实在的，这一只正拼命地想要松开自己逃走，但是解开那个结太难了，十秒钟后，它开始咝咝地燃烧。查理他们在升降机里也能听见它在咝咝地响，声音就像烧肉一样。长链上一千只克尼德的命运也是这样，巨热把它们全都咝咝地烧起来。它们只只变得炽热赤红，接着变得白热，发出耀眼的白光。
“它们是‘流克尼德’！”查理叫道。
“多么壮观啊！”旺卡先生说，“比放烟花更好看。”
几秒钟工夫，这些克尼德全都化成了灰烬，一切都过去了。“我们成功了！”旺卡先生叫道，“它们全都烤焦了！它们全都烧成灰了！我们得救了！”
“我们得救了，你这话是什么意思？”约瑟芬奶奶说，“再下去，我们自己也会烤焦的，我们全要烤成牛排！瞧那玻璃，它比火还烫！”
“不用怕，亲爱的老太太。”旺卡先生回答说，“我这架升降机装有全自动的空气调节系统，通气通风，我们会没事的。”
“我一丁点儿也不明白，眼前这一切是怎么回事。”巴克特太太难得开口，这时也说话了，“但不管是怎么回事，我就是不喜欢。”
“你不欣赏吗，妈妈？”查理问她。
“不，”巴克特太太说，“我不欣赏，你的爸爸也不会欣赏的。”
“多么壮观啊！”旺卡先生说，“看看下面的地球吧，查理，它愈来愈大了！”
“我们在以每小时两千英里的速度向地球飞去！”乔治娜姥姥怨声怨气地说，“天啊，你怎么降低速度呢？你没有想到这一点吧？”
“他有降落伞。”查理告诉乔治娜姥姥，“我敢打赌，旺卡先生有巨型的降落伞，到地球的时候它会打开。”
“降落伞！”旺卡先生用鄙夷不屑的口气说，“降落伞是给飞行员和胆小鬼用的！反正我们不用减速，不但不减速，我们还要加速。我早告诉过你们了，下去时我们必须用最快的速度，否则我们就不能撞穿巧克力工厂的屋顶。”
“那么太空运输船里的人怎么办？”查理着急地问道。
“几秒钟后我们就把他们放开。”旺卡先生回答说，“他们确实有降落伞，一共三个，到最后时刻能使运输船减速。”
“你怎么知道我们就不会落在太平洋呢？”约瑟芬奶奶说。
“我不知道，”旺卡先生说，“但是我们都会游泳，对吗？”
“这个人疯得像一个烤圆饼！”约瑟芬奶奶叫道。
“对！他疯得像一只喇蛄！”乔治娜姥姥叫道。
大玻璃升降机一直冲下去。下面的地球愈来愈近。大洋和大洲迎面扑来，一秒钟比一秒钟大……
“约瑟夫爷爷，把钢缆扔出去！把太空运输船放掉！”旺卡先生说，“只要他们的降落伞可以用，他们就没事了。”
“钢缆扔出去了！”约瑟夫爷爷叫道。现在巨大的太空运输船可以自己运行了，它开始离开升降机，转向一边。查理向前窗的三位宇航员挥手，但是他们一个也没有挥手回答。他们坐在那里一动不动，吓呆了，看着在大玻璃升降机里飘来飘去的老太太、老先生和那个小孩子。
“现在快到时间了。”旺卡先生说着，向角落上一排灰蓝色的小按钮伸过手去，“很快我们就知道是死是活了。在这最后关头，大家请务必保持绝对安静。我必须全神贯注，否则我们就会降错地方。”
他们钻进厚厚的云层，有十秒钟什么也看不见。当他们从云里出来时，太空运输船已经不见了，地球非常近，只见下面是一大片土地，有山有森林……接着是田野和树木……接着是一个小城镇。
“看它就在那里！”旺卡先生叫道，“我的巧克力工厂！我心爱的巧克力工厂！”
“你是说查理的巧克力工厂吧？”约瑟夫爷爷说。
“一点不错！”旺卡先生对查理说，“我竟然忘得一干二净了！我向你道歉，我亲爱的孩子！它当然是你的！我们这就下去吧！”
透过升降机的玻璃地板，查理一眼瞥见了这巨大工厂的红色大屋顶和高烟囱。他们笔直地向屋顶俯冲下去。
“屏住呼吸！”旺卡先生叫道，“捏住你们的鼻子！系上你们座位上的安全带！一起祷告吧！我们这就要穿过屋顶了！”
12 Back to the Chocolate Factory
12 Back to the Chocolate Factory
And then the noise of splintering wood and broken glass andabsolute darkness and the most awful crunching sounds as theElevator rushed on and on, smashing everything before it.
All at once, the crashing noises stopped and the ride becamesmoother and the Elevator seemed to be travelling on guidesor rails, twisting and turning like a roller-coaster. And when thelights came on, Charlie suddenly realized that for the last fewseconds he hadn't been floating at all. He had been standingnormally on the floor. Mr Wonka was on the floor, too, andso was Grandpa Joe and Mr and Mrs Bucket and also thebig bed. As for Grandma Josephine, Grandma Georgina andGrandpa George, they must have fallen right back on to thebed because they were now all three on top of it andscrabbling to get under the blanket.
'We're through!' yelled Mr Wonka. 'We've done it! We're in!'
Grandpa Joe grabbed him by the hand and said, 'Well done,sir! How splendid! What a magnificent job!'
'Where in the world are we now?' said Mrs Bucket.
'We're back, Mother!' Charlie cried. 'We're in the ChocolateFactory!'
'I'm very glad to hear it,' said Mrs Bucket. 'But didn't wecome rather a long way round?'
'We had to,' said Mr Wonka, 'to avoid the traffic.'
'I have never met a man,' said Grandma Georgina, 'who talksso much absolute nonsense!'
'A little nonsense now and then, is relished by the wisest men,'
Mr Wonka said.
'Why don't you pay some attention to where this crazyElevator's going!' shouted Grandma Josephine. 'And stopfootling about!'
'A little footling round about, will stop you going up the spout,'
said Mr Wonka.
'What did I tell you!' cried Grandma Georgina. 'He's round thetwist! He's bogged as a beetle! He's dotty as a dingbat! He'sgot rats in the roof! I want to go home!'
'Too late,' said Mr Wonka. 'We're there!' The Elevator stopped.
The doors opened and Charlie found himself looking out onceagain at the great Chocolate Room with the chocolate river andthe chocolate waterfall, where everything was eatable — thetrees, the leaves, the grass, the pebbles and even the rocks.
And there to meet them were hundreds and hundreds of tinyOompa-Loompas, all waving and cheering. It was a sight thattook one's breath away. Even Grandma Georgina was stunnedinto silence for a few seconds. But not for long. 'Who in theworld are all those peculiar little men?' she said.
'They're Oompa-Loompas,' Charlie told her. 'They're wonderful.
You'll love them.'
'Ssshh!' said Grandpa Joe. 'Listen, Charlie! The drums arestarting up! They're going to sing.'
'Alleluia!' sang the Oompa-Loompas.'Oh alleluia and hooray!
Our Willy Wonka's back today!
We thought you'd never make
it home!We thought you'd left us all alone!We knew that youwould have to faceSome frightful creatures up in space.Weeven thought we heard the crunchOf someone eating you forlunch …'
'All right!' shouted Mr Wonka, laughing and raising both hands.
'Thank you for your welcome! Will some of you please help toget this bed out of here!'
Fifty Oompa-Loompas ran forward and pushed the bed withthe three old ones in it out of the Elevator. Mr and MrsBucket, both looking completely overwhelmed by it all, followedthe bed out. Then came Grandpa Joe, Charlie and Mr Wonka.
'Now,' said Mr Wonka, addressing Grandpa George, GrandmaGeorgina and Grandma Josephine. 'Up you hop out of thatbed and let's get cracking. I'm sure you'll all want to lend ahand running the factory.'
'Who, us?' said Grandma Josephine.
'Yes, you,' said Mr Wonka.
'You must be joking,' said Grandma Georgina.
'I never joke,' said Mr Wonka.
'Now just you listen to me, sir!' said old Grandpa George,sitting up straight in bed. 'You've got us into quite enoughtubbles and trumbles for one day!'
'I've got you out of them, too,' said Mr Wonka proudly. 'AndI'm going to get you out of that bed as well, you see if Idon't!'
12　回到巧克力工厂
12　回到巧克力工厂
砰！接着升降机直冲下去，只听见木头哗啦哗啦、玻璃劈里啪啦的无比吓人的响声，眼前漆黑一片。
一下子，嘈杂的声音停止了，升降机更平稳，像在铁轨上滑行，转来转去像游乐场的环滑车。等到亮光照进来，查理猛然发现，最后几秒钟他根本没有在飘来飘去，已经正常地站在地板上了。旺卡先生、约瑟夫爷爷、巴克特先生和巴克特太太，连同那张大床，全都在地板上。至于约瑟芬奶奶、乔治娜姥姥和乔治姥爷，他们一定正好落到了床上，因为他们三个如今都在床上，正争着要躺到毯子下面去。
“我们穿过屋顶下来了！”旺卡先生叫道，“我们成功了！我们进来了！”
约瑟夫爷爷握住他的手说：“做得好，旺卡先生！多么出色啊！多么了不起啊！”
“我们现在在哪里？”巴克特太太问。
“我们回来了，妈妈！”查理叫道，“我们在巧克力工厂里！”
“我很高兴听到这句话。”巴克特太太说，“我们不是绕得太远了吗？”
“为了避开拥挤的交通，”旺卡先生说，“我们只好这样做！”
“我还没有见过一个人能这样胡说八道的！”乔治娜姥姥说。
“偶尔胡说两句，是最聪明的人的最大乐趣。”旺卡先生说。
“为什么你不注意一下，这架发疯的升降机在往哪里去！”约瑟芬奶奶叫道，“别再磨蹭了！”
“稍微磨蹭一下可以使你不闯大祸！”旺卡先生说。
“我怎么对你们说的？”乔治娜姥姥叫道，“他净胡说八道！他像陷进了泥沼的甲虫！他是个疯子！他的屋顶上都是老鼠！我要回家！”
“太晚了，”旺卡先生说，“我们已经到了这里！”升降机停了下来，门打开了。查理又一次看到巨大的巧克力车间，里面有巧克力河和巧克力瀑布，所有的东西都是可以吃的—树木、叶子、草、小石子，甚至岩石……千百个奥帕—伦帕人在迎接他们，全都招手欢呼。这是一个使人透不过气来的场面。连乔治娜姥姥也呆了好几秒钟，但是没有多久。“这些古怪的小矮人都是谁？”她说。
“他们是奥帕—伦帕人。”查理告诉她，“他们真了不起，你会喜欢他们的。”
“嘘—”约瑟夫爷爷说，“听吧，查理，鼓敲起来了！他们要唱歌了。”
哈利路亚！奥帕—伦帕人唱道：
噢，哈利路亚！万岁！
我们的威利•旺卡先生终于返回！
我们本以为你永远不再回家！
我们本以为你要把我们丢下！
我们知道你在太空，
和可怕的吃人怪物相逢。
我们好像还听到，
你被当做午餐叽嘎叽嘎地嚼……
“好！”旺卡先生笑着举起双手说，“谢谢你们的欢迎！请你们帮帮忙，把这张床搬出去好吗？”
五十名奥帕—伦帕人跑上前，把床连同三位老人家推出升降机。巴克特先生和太太看来完全被这些事镇住了，也跟着走出来。接着出来的是约瑟夫爷爷、查理和旺卡先生。
“现在，”旺卡先生对乔治姥爷、乔治娜姥姥和约瑟芬奶奶说，“请跳下床，让我们动手干起来吧！我肯定你们都愿意帮忙经营这家工厂。”
“你说谁，说我们吗？”约瑟芬奶奶说。
“对，是你们。”旺卡先生说。
“你一定是在开玩笑。”乔治娜姥姥说。
“我从来不开玩笑。”旺卡先生说。
“现在你听我说，先生！”乔治姥爷从床上坐起来说，“你已经让我们又翻又滚一整天，吃足苦头了！”
“我也使你们摆脱了那些怪物。”旺卡先生自豪地说，“我还要使你们离开这张床，瞧我不这样做才怪呢！”
13 How Wonka-Vite Was Invented
13 How Wonka-Vite Was Invented
'I haven't been out of this bed in twenty years and I'm notgetting out now for anybody!' said Grandma Josephine firmly.
'Nor me,' said Grandma Georgina.
'You were out of it just now, every one of you,' said MrWonka.
'That was floating,' said Grandpa George. 'We couldn't help it.'
'We never put our feet on the floor,' said Grandma Josephine.
'Try it,' said Mr Wonka. 'You might surprise yourself'Go on, Josie,' said Grandpa Joe. 'Give it a try. I did. It waseasy.'
'We're perfectly comfortable where we are, thank you verymuch,' said Grandma Josephine.
Mr Wonka sighed and shook his head very slowly and verysadly. 'Oh well,' he said, 'so that's that.' He laid his head onone side and gazed thoughtfully at the three old people in thebed, and Charlie, watching him closely, saw those bright littleeyes of his beginning to spark and twinkle once again.
Ha-ha, thought Charlie. What's coming now?
'I suppose,' said Mr Wonka, placing the tip of one finger onthe point of his nose and pressing gently, 'I suppose …because this is a very special case … I suppose I could spareyou just a tiny little bit of …' He stopped and shook his head.
'A tiny little bit of what?' said Grandma Josephine sharply.
'No,' said Mr Wonka. 'It's pointless. You seem to have decidedto stay in that bed whatever happens. And anyway, the stuff ismuch too precious to waste. I'm sorry I mentioned it.' Hestarted to walk away.
'Hey!' shouted Grandma Georgina. 'You can't begin somethingand not go on with it! What is too precious to waste?'
Mr Wonka stopped. Slowly he turned around. He looked longand hard at the three old people in the bed. They looked backat him, waiting. He kept silent a little longer, allowing theircuriosity to grow. The Oompa-Loompas stood absolutely stillbehind him, watching.
'What is this thing you're talking about?' said GrandmaGeorgina. 'Get on with it, for heaven's sake!' said GrandmaJosephine.
'Very well,' Mr Wonka said at last. 'I'll tell you. And listencarefully because this could change your whole lives. It couldeven change you.'
'I don't want to be changed!' shouted Grandma Georgina.
'May I go on, madam? Thank you. Not long ago, I was foolingabout in my Inventing Room, stirring stuff around and mixingthings up the way I do every afternoon at four o'clock, whensuddenly I found I had made something that seemed veryunusual. This thing I had made kept changing colour as Ilooked at it, and now and again it gave a little jump, it actuallyjumped up in the air, as though it were alive. "What have wehere?" I cried, and I rushed it quickly to the Testing Roomand gave some to the Oompa-Loompa who was on duty thereat the time. The result was immediate! It was flabbergasting! Itwas unbelievable! It was also rather unfortunate.'
'What happened?' said Grandma Georgina, sitting up.
'What indeed,' said Mr Wonka.
'Answer her question,' said Grandma Josephine. 'Whathappened to the Oompa-Loompa?'
'Ah,' said Mr Wonka, 'yes … well … there's no point in cryingover spilled milk, is there? I realized, you see, that I hadstumbled upon a new and tremendously powerful vitamin, andI also knew that if only I could make it safe, if only I couldstop it doing to others what it did to that Oompa-Loompa …'
'What did it do to that Oompa-Loompa?' said GrandmaGeorgina sternly.
'The older I get, the deafer I become,' said Mr Wonka. 'Doplease raise your voice a trifle next time. Thank you so much.
Now then. I simply had to find a way of making this stuffsafe, so that people could take it without … er …'
'Without what?' snapped Grandma Georgina.
'Without a leg to stand on,' said Mr Wonka. 'So I rolled upmy sleeves and set to work once more in the Inventing Room.
I mixed and I mixed. I must have tried just about everymixture under the moon. By the way, there is a little hole inone wall of the Inventing Room which connects directly withthe Testing Room next door, so I was able all the time tokeep passing stuff through for testing to whichever bravevolunteer happened to be on duty. Well, the first few weekswere pretty depressing and we won't talk about them. Let metell you instead what happened on the one hundred andthirty-second day of my labours. That morning, I had changedthe mixture drastically, and this time the little pill I produced atthe end of it all was not nearly so active or alive as the othershad been. It kept changing colour, yes, but only fromlemon-yellow to blue, then back to yellow again. And when Iplaced it on the palm of my hand, it didn't jump about like agrasshopper. It only quivered, and then ever so slightly.
'I ran to the hole in the wall that led to the Testing Room. Avery old Oompa-Loompa was on duty there that morning. Hewas a bald, wrinkled, toothless old fellow. He was in awheel-chair. He had been in the wheel-chair for at least fifteenyears.
'"This is test number one hundred and thirty-two!" I said,chalking it up on the board.
'I handed him the pill. He looked at it nervously. I couldn'tblame him for being a bit jittery after what had happened tothe other one hundred and thirty-one volunteers.'
'What had happened to them?' shouted Grandma Georgina.
'Why don't you answer the question instead of skidding aroundit on two wheels?'
'Who knows the way out of a rose?' said Mr Wonka. 'So thisbrave old Oompa-Loompa took the pill and, with the help of alittle water, he gulped it down. And then, suddenly, the mostamazing thing happened. Before my very eyes, queer littlechanges began taking place in the way he looked. A momentearlier, he had been practically bald, with just a fringe ofsnowy white hair around the sides and the back of his head.
But now the fringe of white hair was turning gold and all overthe top of his head new gold hair was beginning to sprout, likegrass. In less than half a minute, he had grown a splendidnew crop of long golden hair. At the same time, many of thewrinkles started disappearing from his face, not all of them, butabout half, enough to make him look a good deal younger,and all of this must have given him a nice tickly feelingbecause he started grinning at me, then laughing, and as soonas he opened his mouth, I saw the strangest sight of all. Teethwere growing up out from those old toothless gums, goodwhite teeth, and they were coming up so fast I could actuallysee them getting bigger and bigger.
'I was too flabbergasted to speak. I just stood there with myhead poking through the hole in the wall, staring at the littleOompa-Loompa. I saw him slowly lifting himself out of hiswheel-chair. He tested his legs on the ground. He stood up.
He walked a few paces. Then he looked up at me and hisface was bright. His eyes were huge and bright as two stars.
'"Look at me," he said softly. "I'm walking! It's a miracle!"'"It's Wonka-Vite!" I said. "The great rejuvenator. It makes youyoung again. How old do you feel now?"
'He thought carefully about this question, then he said, "I feelalmost exactly how I felt when I was fifty years old."'"How old were you just now, before you took theWonka-Vite?" I asked him.
'"Seventy last birthday," he answered.
"That means," I said, "it has made you twenty years younger."'"It has, it has!" he cried, delighted. "I feel as frisky as afroghopper!"
'"Not frisky enough," I told him. "Fifty is still pretty old. Let ussee if I can't help you a bit more. Stay right where you are.
I'll be back in a twink."
'I ran to my work-bench and began to make one more pill ofWonka-Vite, using exactly the same mixture as before.
'"Swallow this," I said, passing the second pill through thehatch. There was no hesitating this time. Eagerly, he popped itinto his mouth and chased it down with a drink of water. Andbehold, within half a minute, another twenty years had fallenaway from his face and body and he was now a slim andsprightly young Oompa-Loompa of thirty. He gave a whoop ofjoy and started dancing around the room, leaping high in theair and coming down on his toes. "Are you happy?" I askedhim.
'"I'm ecstatic!" he cried, jumping up and down. "I'm happy asa horse in a hay-field!" He ran out of the Testing Room toshow himself off to his family and friends.
'Thus was Wonka-Vite invented!' said Mr Wonka. 'And thuswas it made safe for all to use!'
'Why don't you use it yourself, then?' said Grandma Georgina.
'You told Charlie you were getting too old to run the factory,so why don't you just take a couple of pills and get fortyyears younger? Tell me that?'
'Anyone can ask questions,' said Mr Wonka. 'It's the answersthat count. Now then, if the three of you in the bed wouldcare to try a dose …'
'Just one minute!' said Grandma Josephine, sitting up straight.
'First I'd like to take a look at this seventy-year-oldOompa-Loompa who is now back to thirty!'
Mr Wonka flicked his fingers. A tiny Oompa-Loompa, lookingyoung and perky, ran forward out of the crowd and did amarvellous little dance in front of the three old people in thebig bed. 'Two weeks ago, he was seventy years old and in awheel-chair!' Mr Wonka said proudly. 'And look at him now!'
'The drums, Charlie!' said Grandpa Joe. 'Listen! They're startingup again!'
Far away down on the bank of the chocolate river, Charliecould see the Oompa-Loompa band striking up once more.
There were twenty Oompa-Loompas in the band, each with anenormous drum twice as tall as himself, and they were beatinga slow mysterious rhythm that soon had all the otherhundreds of Oompa-Loompas swinging and swaying from sideto side in a kind of trance. They then began to chant:
'If you are old and have the shakes,
If all your bones are full
of aches,
If you can hardly walk at all,If living drives you upthe wall,If you're a grump and full of spite,If you're a humanparasite,THEN WHAT YOU NEED IS WONKA-VITE!Youreyes will shine, your hair will grow,Your face and skin willstart to glow,
Your rotten teeth will all drop out
And in their
place new teeth will sprout.Those rolls of fat around your hipsWill vanish, and your wrinkled lipsWill get so soft androsy-pinkThat all the boys will smile and winkAnd whispersecretly that thisIs just the girl they want to kiss!But wait! Forthat is not the mostImportant thing of which to boast.Goodlooks you'll have, we've told you so,
But looks aren't everything,
you know.
Each pill, as well, to you will give
AN EXTRA
TWENTY YEARS TO LIVE!
So come, old friends, and do
what's right!Let's make your lives as bright as bright!Let's takea dose of this delight!
This heavenly magic dynamite!You can't
go wrong, you must go right!
IT'S WILLY WONKA'S
WONKA-VITE!'
13　旺卡维他是怎样发明的
13　旺卡维他是怎样发明的
“我二十年没有离开过这张床，现在也不打算为了任何人离开它！”约瑟芬奶奶坚决地说。
“我也一样。”乔治娜姥姥说。
“你们刚才就离开过它。”旺卡先生说。
“那是飘起来，”乔治姥爷说，“我们想不飘起来也不可能啊。”
“我们从来没有把脚放到地上过。”约瑟芬奶奶说。
“那么试试看吧。”旺卡先生说，“你们会有意想不到的惊喜。”
“试试看吧，”约瑟夫爷爷说，“我也做到了。”
“我们现在十分舒服，谢谢。”约瑟芬奶奶说。
旺卡先生叹了口气，慢慢地摇摇头，非常难过。“好吧。”他说，“我也没有话可说了。”他转过头看着床上三位老人家，动着脑筋。查理仔细看着他，看见他那双明亮的小眼睛又一次发出亮光。“哈哈！”查理想，“旺卡先生又要出点什么新花样呢？”
“我想，”旺卡先生用一只手指轻轻地按着鼻尖说，“我想……由于情况非常特殊……我想让给你们一点儿……”他突然停了口，摇摇头。
“一点儿什么？”约瑟芬奶奶尖声问道。
“不，”旺卡先生说，“这是没有意义的。你们似乎已经拿定主意，不管发生什么事情都留在床上不起来，而且这东西太贵重了，浪费了可惜。我很抱歉把话说了出来。”旺卡先生要走了。
“喂！”乔治娜姥姥叫道，“你不能这样说开了头又不说下去！到底是什么东西这样贵重，浪费了可惜？”
旺卡先生停下脚步，慢慢地转过身来。他狠狠地瞪着床上三位老人家看了半天。他们互相对看着，等着。旺卡先生继续沉默了一会儿，弄得几位老人家更加感到好奇。那些奥帕—伦帕人一动不动地站在他后面等着。
“你说的这东西到底是什么？”乔治娜姥姥说。
“天啊，说出来吧！”约瑟芬奶奶说。
“很好，”旺卡先生终于开口说，“你们好好听着，因为这会改变你们的整个生活，甚至会把你们连人都改变过来。”
“我不要被改变！”乔治娜姥姥叫道。
“我可以说下去吗，老太太？谢谢。不久以前，我在我的发明室里瞎摆弄，把周围的东西搅来搅去，调和起来，每天下午四点以后我都是这么干的。我正那么搅着拌着，忽然发现我拌出了一种似乎极不寻常的东西。我亲眼看着这东西不断地改变颜色，而且不断跳动，一点不假，它就是在那里一跳一跳，而且跳得很高，好像是活的东西。我制造出什么来啦？我叫了起来，赶紧把它送进试验室，给当时正在值勤的一个奥帕—伦帕人吃了一点儿。真是立时生效！这真叫人吃惊！叫人难以置信！同时也十分不幸！”
“出什么事了？”乔治娜姥姥坐起来问。
“的确是出了什么事。”旺卡先生说。
“回答她的问话吧，”约瑟芬奶奶说，“那个奥帕—伦帕人出什么事了？”
“啊！”旺卡先生说，“对了……这个……为泼了的牛奶哭是不必要的，对吗？你知道，我明白我无意中发明了一种特效的新维他命，我也明白，只要我能让人们安全服用它，使它在别人身上不会发生如同在那个奥帕—伦帕人身上所发生的事……”
“它在那个奥帕—伦帕人身上发生什么事了？”乔治娜姥姥盯住旺卡先生问道。
“我愈老耳朵愈聋，”旺卡先生说，“下次请一定要把话说得响一点。太感谢了。现在我说下去。我只是必须想出一个办法，使这种东西安全可靠，人们服用了它不会……呃……”
“不会什么？”乔治娜姥姥生气地说。
“不会站不住脚。”旺卡先生说，“因此我卷起袖子，再回到发明室里去研究。我不断地这样加点那样减点。我在月光下把各种混合办法都试过了。顺便说说，发明室的墙上有一个小洞直接通到隔壁试验室，因此我能不断地把混合好的东西送过去，请正在值勤的勇敢志愿者试服。开始几个星期叫人十分扫兴，我就不去说它了。现在让我告诉你们，我工作到第一百三十二天的情况吧。那天上午我改变了混合配方，这一次配出来的小药丸没有原先的活跃。
不错，它也在不断地改变颜色，但只是从柠檬黄变成蓝色，然后又变回黄色。我把它放在手掌上时，它也不像蚱蜢那样活蹦乱跳，只是在微微地颤动。
“我跑到墙边那个通试验室的洞口。那天下午在那里值勤的是个很老的奥帕—伦帕人，满脸皱纹，没有牙齿，头发脱光，坐在轮椅上。他坐在轮椅上少说也有十五年了。
“‘这是第一百三十二次试验！’我说着，把这个数字用粉笔写在黑板上。
“我把药丸递给这位奥帕—伦帕老人。他紧张地看着，而且有点不安。这我不能怪他，因为以前一百三十一位志愿者吃了药都出了事。”
“他们出了什么事？”乔治娜姥姥叫道，“为什么老兜圈子不回答我问的话？”
“谁懂得怎样知道秘密吗？”旺卡先生说，“这位勇敢的奥帕—伦帕老人还是拿起了药丸，用水把它吞了下去。这时候，一件最惊人的事情发生了。当着我的面，他的样子开始一点一点地产生奇怪的变化。刚才他的头还是秃的，只有旁边和后面有一圈雪白的头发。但现在这圈白头发开始变成金色，头顶上也重新开始像草一样长出新的金头发来。不到半分钟，他已经长出一头又浓又长的美丽金发。与此同时，无数皱纹开始从他的脸上消失，虽然不是全部，但至少消失了一半，足以使他的样子年轻了许多。这些变化一定使他感到很满足，因为他开始对我咧嘴微笑，接着大笑。当他张开嘴笑的时候，我马上看到了最奇怪的事情。在他原先没有牙齿的牙龈上，长出了一颗颗雪白漂亮的牙齿，长得那么快，我实在看不见它们是怎样长出来的。
“我惊讶得说不出话来，只是站在那里，把头伸到墙洞外去看这位奥帕—伦帕老人。我看着他慢慢地从轮椅上起来，在地上试试他的双腿。他站起来，走了几步。接着他抬头看我，满面红光。他的眼睛又大又亮，像两颗星星。
“‘看着我，’他轻轻地说，‘我在走路了！这是一个奇迹！’
“‘这是旺卡维他的功效！’我说，‘它是伟大的返老还童药。它使你恢复年轻，你觉得你现在几岁？’
“他把我的问题仔细地想过以后说：‘我觉得自己差不多像五十岁。’
“‘在刚才服用旺卡维他之前，你的年龄是多少？’
“‘七十足岁。’他回答说。
“‘这就是说，’我说，‘旺卡维他使你年轻了二十岁。’
“‘一点不错！一点不错！’他高兴地叫道，‘我觉得自己像一只蹦蹦跳跳的青蛙那样轻快！’
“‘还不够轻快，’我对他说，‘五十岁还是老了。看我能不能再帮你一点忙。你不要走开，我一会儿就回来。’
“我跑到我的工作台，动手再配出一粒旺卡维他药丸，配方和原先那粒一模一样。
“‘把这药丸吞下去。’我把第二粒药丸从洞口递过去说。这一次他毫不迟疑，赶紧把它放到嘴里，用一口水吞了下去。看啊，在半分钟之内，他的脸和身体又年轻了二十岁。现在他是一个身材细长、朝气蓬勃的三十岁奥帕—伦帕年轻人。他高兴得大叫，开始绕着房间跳舞，跳得半天高，落下来时用脚尖站住。‘你高兴吗？’我问他。
“‘我高兴得都要发疯了！’他蹦跳着大声回答，‘我高兴得像一匹在草地上的马！’他跑出试验室，到他的家人和亲友那里去让他们看。
“旺卡维他就是这样发明出来的！”旺卡先生接着说，“它就是这样变得人人都可以安全服用！”
“那么你自己为什么不服用呢？”乔治娜姥姥说，“你对查理说你太老，管理不了这家工厂，那为什么你不吃两粒药丸，年轻四十岁呢？你说！”
“任何人都可以提出问题，”旺卡先生说，“但要看是不是值得回答。现在，如果你们床上的三位老人家愿意试试这药丸……”
“等一等！”约瑟芬奶奶坐直了身子说，“我想先见见这位回到三十岁的七十岁奥帕—伦帕老人！”
旺卡先生弹了弹他的手指。一个看上去又年轻又生龙活虎的奥帕—伦帕人从人群中跑出来，他为躺在床上的三位老人家跳了个优美的舞。“两星期以前他还是个坐轮椅的七十岁老人！”旺卡先生自豪地说，“现在看他的样子吧！”
“鼓声，查理！”约瑟夫爷爷说，“你听！他们又敲起鼓来了！”
在远处的巧克力河边，查理看到奥帕—伦帕人的乐队又演奏起来。乐队里有二十名奥帕—伦帕人，每人都有一个比他们高一倍的大鼓。他们正在敲着神秘的慢节奏，鼓声很快就使几百名奥帕—伦帕人心醉神驰地左右摇摆，接着唱道：
如果你老得走不动，
如果你老得骨头痛，
如果你老得哆哆嗦嗦，
如果你老得靠人养活，
如果你活得没办法，
如果你活得叫妈妈，
那么，你需要的就是旺卡维他！
吃了它，你会聪明长头发，
脸和皮肤红润又光滑，
你的烂牙全落下，
重新长出新的牙。
臂部脂肪都不见，
皱巴巴的嘴唇变得鲜红又丰满，
所有小伙子们看见你，
都要对你眨眼笑眯眯，
偷偷地对自己讲：
“这正是我想亲吻的姑娘！”
但等一等！这个还不是我们要夸的最重要的事。
你变得好看，这我们已经说过，
但还不止是这个。
每一粒药丸，
可以让你们多活二十年！
因此吃吧，老朋友，不要错过良机！
快使你们的生活变得称心如意！
快吃一粒神丹！
快吃一粒使你们力大如牛的药丸！
莫失良机，赶快吃吧！
这是威利•旺卡的旺卡维他！
14 Recipe for Wonka-Vite
14 Recipe for Wonka-Vite
'Here it is!' cried Mr Wonka, standing at the end of the bedand holding high in one hand a
little bottle. 'The most valuable bottle of pills in the world! Andthat, by the way,' he said,
giving Grandma Georgina a saucy glance, 'is why I haven'ttaken any myself. They are far
too valuable to waste on me.'
He held the bottle out over the bed. The three old ones satup and stretched their scrawny necks, trying to catch a glimpseof the pills inside. Charlie and Grandpa Joe also came forwardto look. So did Mr and Mrs Bucket. The label said:
WONKA-VITE
Each pill will make you YOUNGER by exactly 20 yearsCAUTION!
Do not take more than the amount recommended byMr. Wonka
They could all see the pills through the glass. They werebrilliant yellow, shimmering and quivering inside the bottle.
Vibrating is perhaps a better word. They were vibrating sorapidly that each pill became a blur and you couldn't see itsshape. You could only see its colour. You got the impressionthat there was something very small but incredibly powerful,something not quite of this world, locked up inside them andfighting to get out.
'They're wriggling,' said Grandma Georgina. 'I don't like thingsthat wriggle. How do we know they won't go on wrigglinginside us after we've swallowed them? Like those Mexicanjumping beans of Charlie's I swallowed a couple of years back.
You remember that, Charlie?'
'I told you not to eat them, Grandma.'
'They went on jumping about inside me for a month,' saidGrandma Georgina. 'I couldn't sit still!'
'If I'm going to eat one of those pills, I jolly well want to knowwhat's in it first,' said Grandma Josephine.
'I don't blame you,' said Mr Wonka. 'But the recipe isextremely complicated. Wait a minute … I've got it writtendown somewhere …' He started digging around in the pocketsof his coat-tails. 'I know it's here somewhere,' he said. 'I can'thave lost it. I keep all my most valuable and important thingsin these pockets. The trouble is, there's such a lot of them …'
He started emptying the pockets and placing the contents onthe bed — a homemade catapult … a yo-yo … a trickfried-egg made of rubber … a slice of salami … a tooth with afilling in it … a stinkbomb … a packet of itching-powder … 'Itmust be here, it must be, it must,' he kept muttering. 'I put itaway so carefully … Ah! Here it is!' He unfolded a crumpledpiece of paper, smoothed it out, held it up and began to readas follows:
RECIPE FOR MAKING WONKA-VITE
Take a block of finest chocolate weighing one ton (or twentysackfuls of broken chocolate, whichever is the easier). Placechocolate in very large cauldron and melt over red-hot furnace.
When melted, lower the heat slightly so as not to burn thechocolate, but keep it boiling. Now add the following, inprecisely the order given, stirring well all the time and allowingeach item to dissolve before adding the next:
THE HOOF OF A MANTICORE
THE TRUNK (AND THE SUITCASE) OF AN ELEPHANT
THE YOLKS OF THREE EGGS FROM A WHIFFLE-BIRD
A WART FROM A WART-HOG
THE HORN OF A COW (IT MUST BE A LOUD HORN)
THE FRONT TAIL OF A COCKATRICE
SIX OUNCES OF SPRUNGE FROM A YOUNG
SLIMESCRAPER
TWO HAIRS (AND ONE RABBIT) FROM THE HEAD OF AHIPPOCAMPUS
THE BEAK OF A RED-BREASTED WILBATROSS
A CORN FROM THE TOE OF A UNICORN
THE FOUR TENTACLES OF A QUADROPUS
THE HIP (AND THE PO AND THE POT) OF A
HIPPOPOTAMUS
THE SNOUT OF A PROGHOPPER
A MOLE FROM A MOLE
THE HIDE (AND THE SEEK) OF A SPOTTED
WHANGDOODLE
THE WHITES OF TWELVE EGGS FROM A TREE-SQUEAK
THE THREE FEET OF A SNOZZWANGER (IF YOU CAN'TGET THREE FEET, ONE
YARD WILL DO)
THE SQUARE-ROOT OF A SOUTH AMERICAN ABACUS
THE FANGS OF A VIPER (IT MUST BE A VINDSCREENVIPER)
THE CHEST (AND THE DRAWERS) OF A WILD GROUT
When all the above are thoroughly dissolved, boil for a furthertwenty-seven days but do not stir. At the end of this time, allliquid will have evaporated and there will be left in the bottomof the cauldron only a hard brown lump about the size of afootball. Break this open with a hammer and in the verycentre of it you will find a small round pill. This pill isWONKA-VITE.
14　旺卡维他的配方
14　旺卡维他的配方
“就是它！”旺卡先生站在床的一端，用一只手高高举起一个小瓶子说，“世界上最贵重的一瓶药丸！”正因为这个缘故，他不客气地瞪了乔治娜姥姥一眼说，“我自己才没有服用。这些药丸太贵重了，不应浪费在我身上。”
他把瓶子举在床上。三位老人家坐起来，伸长了他们的瘦脖子看着。查理和约瑟夫爷爷也走过来看。巴克特先生和太太也来了。瓶子上的标签上写着：

他们透过玻璃都看到了药丸。它们呈鲜黄色，在瓶子里闪亮、颤抖，也许应该说是震动。它们震动得那么快，每一粒药丸闪来闪去，你没法看清它的形状。你只能看到它的颜色。你会得到一个印象，一种很小但力大无穷的东西，一种不像是这个世界的东西被禁闭在它们里面，正挣扎着要出来。
“它们在骨碌骨碌地跳动。”乔治娜姥姥说，“我不喜欢动的东西，吃了下去，怎么知道它们不继续动呢？就像我两年前吃了墨西哥跳豆 [1] 一样。你还记得吗，查理？”
“那时候我早就叫你不要吃，姥姥。”
“它们在我的肚子里足足跳了一个月。”乔治娜姥姥说，“我坐也坐不稳。”
“要我吃这种药丸，我先要知道它里面是什么东西。”约瑟芬奶奶说。
“我不怪你，”旺卡先生说，“但是配方太复杂了。等一等，我把它写下来了……”他开始翻他的燕尾服口袋。“我知道它放在这里的某个地方，”他说，“我不可能把它丢了。我最宝贵和最重要的东西都放在这些口袋里。问题是这种东西太多了……”
他开始把口袋里所有的东西都掏出来放在床上。一个自制弹弓……一个游戏拉线盘 [2]
……一个橡皮假煎蛋……一片意大利香肠……一颗补过的牙齿……一个恶臭炸弹……一包发痒粉……
“它一定在这里，一定在，一定在。”他嘴里叽哩咕噜地说个不停，“我很小心地放在里面的……啊！它在这里了！”他打开一团纸，把它抚平，举起来开始念：
旺卡维他配方
把一块重一吨的上等巧克力（或二十袋碎巧克力更好）放进特大铁锅，让它在炽热的炉子上融化。融化后，略降低热度，不让巧克力烧焦，但仍让它继续沸腾。然后严格按照次序加进下述材料，不断搅拌，须在每一种新加进的材料完全溶解后才加进另一种：
一只人头狮身兽的脚
一条象鼻（连同箱子）
三个喳喳鸟蛋的蛋黄
一个疣猪的肉疣
一只牛角（必须吹起来特别响亮的）
一条鸡身蛇尾怪物的前尾
六盎司小刮黏液兽的黏液
两根马头鱼尾怪兽的头发（加一只兔子）
一个红胸威巴罗丝鸟的鸟嘴
一粒独角兽脚趾上的鸡眼
四只四爪鱼的爪
一个河马屁股
一个跳兽的鼻子
一个鼹鼠的痣
一张神经怪兽的皮
十二个叽嘎摇树鸟的蛋
一个三英尺的鼻子（没有三英尺的，一码的亦可）
一个南美算盘的平方根
一副毒蛇牙（必须是挡风玻璃毒蛇）
一柜（连同所有抽屉）野浆
当上述所有材料全部溶解后，再煮二十七天，但不要搅拌。二十七天结束时，所有液体全部蒸发，只在大锅底部剩下一块足球大小的棕色硬东西。用锤子把这块硬东西打开，在它的中心将找到一粒圆的小药丸。这药丸便是旺卡维他。
[1]墨西哥跳豆是灯台草的种子，因寄生幼虫，所以能够跳动。
[2]这是一种玩具。
15 Good-bye Georgina
15 Good-bye Georgina
When Mr Wonka had finished reading the recipe, he carefullyfolded the paper and put it back into his pocket. 'A very, verycomplicated mixture,' he said. 'So can you wonder it took meso long to get it just right?' He held the bottle up high andgave it a little shake and the pills rattled loudly inside it, likeglass beads. 'Now, sir,' he said, offering the bottle first toGrandpa George. 'Will you take one pill or two?'
'Will you solemnly swear,' said Grandpa George, 'that it will dowhat you say it will and nothing else?'
Mr Wonka placed his free hand on his heart. 'I swear it,' hesaid.
Charlie edged forward. Grandpa Joe came with him. The twoof them always stayed close together. 'Please excuse me forasking,' Charlie said, 'but are you really absolutely sure you'vegot it quite right?'
'Whatever makes you ask a funny question like that?' said MrWonka. 'I was thinking of the gum you gave to VioletBeauregarde,' Charlie said.
'So that's what's bothering you!' cried Mr Wonka. 'But don'tyou understand, my dear boy, that I never did give that gumto Violet? She snatched it without permission. And I shouted,"Stop! Don't! Spit it out!" But the silly girl took no notice ofme. Now Wonka-Vite is altogether different. I am offering thesepills to your grandparents. I am recommending them. Andwhen taken according to my instructions, they are as safe assugar-candy!'
'Of course they are!' cried Mr Bucket. 'What are you waitingfor, all of you!' An extraordinary change had come over MrBucket since he had entered the Chocolate Room. Normally hewas a pretty timid sort of person. A lifetime devoted toscrewing caps on to the tops of toothpaste tubes in atoothpaste factory had turned him into a rather shy and quietman. But the sight of the marvellous Chocolate Factory hadmade his spirits soar. What is more, this business of the pillsseemed to have given him a terrific kick. 'Listen!' he cried,going up to the edge of the bed. 'Mr Wonka's offering you anew life! Grab it while you can!'
'It's a delicious sensation,' Mr Wonka said. 'And it's very quick.
You lose a year a second. Exactly one year falls away fromyou every second that goes by!' He stepped forward andplaced the bottle of pills gently in the middle of the bed. 'Sohere you are, my dears,' he said. 'Help yourselves!'
'Come on!' cried all the Oompa-Loompas together.
'Come on, old friends, and do what's right!
Come make your
lives as bright as bright!Just take a dose of this delight!Thisheavenly magic dynamite!
You can't go wrong, you must go
right!
IT'S WILLY WONKA'S WONKA-VITE!'
This was too much for the old people in the bed. All three ofthem made a dive for the bottle. Six scrawny hands shot outand started scrabbling to get hold of it. Grandma Georgina gotit. She gave a grunt of triumph and unscrewed the cap andtipped all the little brilliant yellow pills on to the blanket on herlap. She cupped her hands around them so the others couldn'treach out and snatch them. 'All right!' she shouted excitedly,counting them quickly. 'There's twelve pills here! That's six forme and three each for you!'
'Hey! That's not fair!' shrilled Grandma Josephine. 'It's four foreach of us!'
'Four each is right!' cried Grandpa George. 'Come on,Georgina! Hand over my share!'
Mr Wonka shrugged his shoulders and turned his back onthem. He hated squabbles. He hated it when people got grabbyand selfish. Let them fight it out among themselves, hethought, and he walked away. He walked slowly down towardthe chocolate waterfall. It was an unhappy truth, he toldhimself, that nearly all people in the world behave badly whenthere is something really big at stake. Money is the thing theyfight over most. But these pills were bigger than money. Theycould do things for you no amount of money could ever do.
They were worth at least a million dollars a pill. He knewplenty of very rich men who would gladly pay that much inorder to become twenty years younger. He reached theriverbank below the waterfall and he stood there gazing at thegreat gush and splash of melted chocolate pouring down. Hehad hoped the noise of the waterfall would drown the arguingvoices of the old grandparents in the bed, but it didn't. Evenwith his back to them, he still couldn't help hearing most ofwhat they were saying.
'I got them first!' Grandma Georgina was shouting. 'So they'remine to share out!'
'Oh no they're not!' shrilled Grandma Josephine. 'He didn't givethem to you! He gave them to all three of us!'
'I want my share and no one's going to stop me getting it!'
yelled Grandpa George. 'Come on, woman! Hand them over!'
Then came the voice of Grandpa Joe, cutting in sternlythrough the rabble. 'Stop this at once!' he ordered. 'All three ofyou! You're behaving like savages!'
'You keep out of this, Joe, and mind your own business!' saidGrandma Josephine.
'Now you be careful, Josie,' Grandpa Joe went on. 'Four is toomany for one person anyway.'
'That's right,' Charlie said. 'Please, Grandma, why don't you justtake one or two each like Mr Wonka said, and that'll leavesome for Grandpa Joe and Mother and Father.'
'Yes!' cried Mr Bucket. 'I'd love one!'
'Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful,' said Mrs Bucket, 'to be twentyyears younger and not have aching feet any more! Couldn'tyou spare just one for each of us, Mother?'
'I'm afraid not,' said Grandma Georgina. 'These pills arespecially reserved for us three in the bed. Mr Wonka said so!'
'I want my share!' shouted Grandpa George. 'Come on,Georgina! Dish them out!'
'Hey, let me go, you brute!' cried Grandma Georgina. 'You'rehurting me! Ow! … ALL RIGHT! All right! I'll share them outif you'll stop twisting my arm … That's better … Here's fourfor Josephine … and four for George … and four for me.'
'Good,' said Grandpa George. 'Now who's got some water?'
Without looking around, Mr Wonka knew that threeOompa-Loompas would be running to the bed with threeglasses of water. Oompa-Loompas were always ready to help.
There was a brief pause, and then:
'Well, here goes!' cried Grandpa George.
'Young and beautiful, that's what I'll be!' shouted GrandmaJosephine.
'Farewell, old age!' cried Grandma Georgina. 'All together now!
Down the hatch!'
Then there was silence. Mr Wonka was itching to turn aroundand look, but he forced himself to wait. Out of the corner ofone eye he could see a group of Oompa-Loompas, allmotionless, their eyes fixed intently in the direction of the bigbed over by the Elevator. Then Charlie's voice broke thesilence. 'Wow!' he was shouting. 'Just look at that! It's … it'sincredible!'
'I can't believe it!' Grandpa Joe was yelling. 'They're gettingyounger and younger! They really are! Just look at GrandpaGeorge's hair!'
'And his teeth!' cried Charlie. 'Hey, Grandpa! You're gettinglovely white teeth all over again!'
'Mother!' shouted Mrs Bucket to Grandma Georgina. 'Oh,Mother! You're beautiful!
You're so young! And just look at Dad!' she went on, pointingat Grandpa George. 'Isn't he handsome!'
'What's it feel like, Josie?' asked Grandpa Joe excitedly. 'Tell uswhat it feels like to be back to thirty again! … Wait a minute!
You look younger than thirty! You can't be a day more thantwenty now! … But that's enough, isn't it! … I should stopthere if I were you! Twenty's quite young enough! …'
Mr Wonka shook his head sadly and passed a hand over hiseyes. Had you been standing very close to him you wouldhave heard him murmuring softly under his breath, 'Oh, dearydeary me, here we go again …'
'Mother!' cried Mrs Bucket, and now there was a shrill note ofalarm in her voice. 'Why don't you stop, Mother! You're goingtoo far! You're way under twenty! You can't be more thanfifteen! … You're … you're … you're ten … you're gettingsmaller, Mother!'
'Josie!' shouted Grandpa Joe. 'Hey, Josie! Don't do it, Josie!
You're shrinking! You're a little girl! Stop her, somebody!
Quick!'
'They're all going too far!' cried Charlie. 'They took too much,'
said Mr Bucket.
'Mother's shrinking faster than any of them!' wailed MrsBucket. 'Mother! Can't you hear me, Mother? Can't you stop?'
'My heavens, isn't it quick!' said Mr Bucket, who seemed to bethe only one enjoying it. 'It really is a year a second!'
'But they've hardly got any more years left!' wailed GrandpaJoe.
'Mother's no more than four now!' Mrs Bucket cried out.
'She's three … two … one … Gracious me! What's happeningto her! Where's she gone? Mother? Georgina! Where are you?
Mr Wonka! Come quickly! Come here, Mr Wonka! Somethingfrightful's happened! Something's gone wrong! My old mother'sdisappeared!'
Mr Wonka sighed and turned around and walked slowly andquite calmly back toward the bed.
'Where's my mother?' bawled Mrs Bucket.
'Look at Josephine!' cried Grandpa Joe. 'Just look at her! Iask you!'
Mr Wonka looked first at Grandma Josephine. She was sittingin the middle of the huge bed, bawling her head off. 'Wa! Wa!
Wa!' she said. 'Wa! Wa! Wa! Wa! Wa!'
'She's a screaming baby!' cried Grandpa Joe. 'I've got ascreaming baby for a wife!'
'The other one's Grandpa George!' Mr Bucket said, smilinghappily. 'The slightly bigger one there crawling around. He's mywife's father.'
'That's right! He's my father!' wailed Mrs Bucket. 'And where'sGeorgina, my old mother? She's vanished! She's nowhere, MrWonka! She's absolutely nowhere! I saw her getting smallerand smaller and in the end she got so small she justdisappeared into thin air! What I want to know is where's shegone to! And how in the world are we going to get her back!'
'Ladies and gentlemen!' said Mr Wonka, coming up close andraising both hands for silence. 'Please, I beg you, do not ruffleyourselves! There's nothing to worry about …'
'You call it nothing!' cried poor Mrs Bucket. 'When my oldmother's gone down the drain and my father's a howling baby…'
'A lovely baby,' said Mr Wonka.
'I quite agree,' said Mr Bucket.
'What about my Josie?' cried Grandpa Joe.
'What about her?' said Mr Wonka.
'Well …'
'A great improvement, sir,' said Mr Wonka, 'don't you agree?'
'Oh, yes!' said Grandpa Joe. 'I mean NO! What am I saying?
She's a howling baby!'
'But in perfect health,' said Mr Wonka. 'May I ask you, sir,how many pills she took?'
'Four,' said Grandpa Joe glumly. 'They all took four.'
Mr Wonka made a wheezing noise in his throat and a look ofgreat sorrow came over his face. 'Why oh why can't people bemore sensible?' he said sadly. 'Why don't they listen to mewhen I tell them something? I explained very carefullybeforehand that each pill makes the taker exactly twenty yearsyounger. So if Grandma Josephine took four of them, sheautomatically became younger by four times twenty, which is …wait a minute now … four twos are eight … add a nought …that's eighty … so she automatically became younger by eightyyears. How old, sir, was your wife, if I may ask, before thishappened?'
'She was eighty last birthday,' Grandpa Joe answered. 'She waseighty and three months.'
'There you are, then!' cried Mr Wonka, flashing a happy smile.
'The Wonka-Vite worked perfectly! She is now precisely threemonths old! And a plumper rosier infant I've never set eyeson!'
'Nor me,' said Mr Bucket. 'She'd win a prize in any babycompetition.'
'First prize,' said Mr Wonka.
'Cheer up, Grandpa,' said Charlie, taking the old man's hand inhis. 'Don't be sad. She's a beautiful baby.'
'Madam,' said Mr Wonka, turning to Mrs Bucket. 'How old,may I ask, was Grandpa George, your father?'
'Eighty-one,' wailed Mrs Bucket. 'He was eighty-one exactly.'
'Which makes him a great big bouncing one-year-old boy now,'
said Mr Wonka happily.
'How splendid!' said Mr Bucket to his wife. 'You'll be the firstperson in the world to change her father's nappies!'
'He can change his own rotten nappies!' said Mrs Bucket.
'What I want to know is where's my mother? Where'sGrandma Georgina?'
'Ah-ha,' said Mr Wonka. 'Oh-ho … Yes, indeed … Where ohwhere has Georgina gone? How old, please, was the lady inquestion?'
'Seventy-eight,' Mrs Bucket told him.
'Well, of course!' laughed Mr Wonka. 'That explains it!'
'What explains what?' snapped Mrs Bucket.
'My dear madam,' said Mr Wonka. 'If she was onlyseventy-eight and she took enough Wonka-Vite to make hereighty years younger, then naturally she's vanished. She's bittenoff more than she could chew! She's taken off more yearsthan she had!'
'Explain yourself,' said Mrs Bucket.
'Simple arithmetic,' said Mr Wonka. 'Subtract eighty fromseventy-eight and what do you get?'
'Minus two!' said Charlie.
'Hooray!' said Mr Bucket. 'My mother-in-law's minus two yearsold!'
'Impossible!' said Mrs Bucket.
'It's true,' said Mr Wonka.
'And where is she now, may I ask?' said Mrs Bucket.
'That's a good question,' said Mr Wonka. 'A very goodquestion. Yes, indeed. Where is she now?'
'You don't have the foggiest idea, do you?'
'Of course I do,' said Mr Wonka. 'I know exactly where sheis.'
'Then tell me!'
'You must try to understand,' said Mr Wonka, 'that if she isnow minus two, she's got to add two more years before shecan start again from nought. She's got to wait it out.'
'Where does she wait?' said Mrs Bucket.
'In the Waiting Room, of course,' said Mr Wonka.
BOOM!-BOOM! said the drums of the Oompa-Loompa band.
BOOM-BOOM! BOOM-BOOM! And all the Oompa-Loompas, allthe hundreds of them standing there in the Chocolate Roombegan to sway and hop and dance to the rhythm of themusic. 'Attention, please!' they sang.
'Attention, please! Attention, please!Don't dare to talk! Don'tdare to sneeze!
Don't doze or daydream! Stay awake!Your
health, your very life's at stake!Ho-ho, you say, they can'tmean me.
Ha-ha, we answer, wait and see.
Did any of you
ever meetA child called Goldie Pinklesweet?Who on herseventh birthday wentTo stay with Granny down in Kent.Atlunchtime on the second day
Of dearest little Goldie's stay,
Granny announced, "I'm going downTo do some shopping inthe town."(D'you know why Granny didn't tellThe child tocome along as well?She's going to the nearest innTo buy
herself a double gin.)So out she creeps. She shuts the door.
And Goldie, after making sureThat she is really by herself,Goes quickly to the medicine shelf,And there, her little greedyeyesSee pills of every shape and size,
Such fascinating colours
too —
Some green, some pink, some brown, some blue."Allright," she says, "let's try the brown."She takes one pill andgulps it down."Yum-yum!" she cries. "Hooray! What fun!
They're chocolate-coated, every one!"She gobbles five, shegobbles ten,She stops her gobbling only whenThe last pill'sgone. There are no more.
Slowly she rises from the floor.She
stops. She hiccups. Dear, oh dear,
She starts to feel a trifle
queer.
You see, how could young Goldie know,For nobody hadtold her so,That Grandmama, her old relation,Suffered fromfrightful constipation.This meant that every night she'd giveHerself a powerful laxative,And all the medicines that she'dboughtWere naturally of this sort.The pink and red and blueand greenWere all extremely strong and mean.But far morefierce and meaner still,Was Granny's little chocolate pill.Itsblast effect was quite uncanny.It used to shake up evenGranny.In point of fact she did not dare
To use them more
than twice a year.So can you wonder little GoldieBegan to feela wee bit mouldy?
Inside her tummy, something stirred.A
funny gurgling sound was heard,And then, oh dear, from deepwithin,The ghastly rumbling sounds begin!They rumbilate androar and boom!They bounce and echo round the room!Thefloorboards shake and from the wallSome bits of paint andplaster fall. Explosions, whistles, awful bangsWere followed bythe loudest clangs.(A man next door was heard to say,"Athunderstorm is on the way.")But on and on the rumblinggoes.
A window cracks, a lamp-bulb blows.
Young Goldie
clutched herself and cried,"There's something wrong with myinside!"
This was, we very greatly fear,The understatement ofthe year.
For wouldn't any child feel crummy,With loud
explosions in her tummy?
Granny, at half past two, came in,
Weaving a little from the gin,But even so she quickly sawTheempty bottle on the floor."My precious laxatives!" she cried."Idon't feel well," the girl replied.
Angrily Grandma shook her
head."I'm really not surprised," she said."Why can't you leavemy pills alone?"
With that, she grabbed the telephoneAnd
shouted, "Listen, send us quickAn ambulance! A child is sick!
It's number fifty, Fontwell Road!Come fast! I think she mightexplode!"We're sure you do not wish to hear
About the
hospital and whereThey did a lot of horrid thingsWithstomach-pumps and rubber rings.Let's answer what you wantto know:Did Goldie live or did she go?The doctors gatheredround her bed."There's really not much hope," they said.
"She's going, going, gone!" they cried."She's had her chips!
She's dead! She's dead!""I'm not so sure," the child replied.
And all at once she opened wide
Her great big bluish eyes and
sighed,And gave the anxious docs a wink,And said, "I'll beokay, I think."So Goldie lived and back she wentAt first toGranny's place in Kent.Her father came the second dayAndfetched her in a Chevrolet,And drove her to their home inDover.But Goldie's troubles were not over.
You see, if someone
takes enoughOf any highly dangerous stuff,One will invariablyfindSome traces of it left behind.
It pains us greatly to relate
That Goldie suffered from this fate.
She'd taken such a massive
fillOf this unpleasant kind of pill,It got into her blood andbones,It messed up all her chromosomes,It made herconstantly upset,And she could never really getThe beastlystuff to go away.And so the girl was forced to stayFor sevenhours every day
Within the everlasting gloomOf what we call
The Ladies Room.And after all, the W.C.Is not the gayestplace to be.So now, before it is too late,Take heed of Goldie'sdreadful fate.
And seriously, all jokes apart,Do promise us
across your heartThat you will never help yourselfTo medicinefrom the medicine shelf
15　再见了，乔治娜姥姥
15　再见了，乔治娜姥姥
旺卡先生念完他的配方以后，把纸折起来收回衣袋里。“这是一种非常非常复杂的混合物，”他说，“我花了那么长的时间才把它制成，你们还要怀疑吗？”他把瓶子高高举起，轻轻摇了摇，里面的药丸沙沙作响，像玻璃球一样。“现在，老公公，”旺卡先生把药瓶递给乔治姥爷说，“你要一粒还是两粒？”
“你能庄严地发誓，”乔治姥爷说，“它就像你说的那样没有副作用吗？”
旺卡先生把手按在胸口上。“我发誓。”他说。
查理侧身走过来。约瑟夫爷爷跟在后面。他们两个总是紧紧靠在一起的。“请问，”查理说，“你是不是可以保证这些药丸完全没有问题？”
“到底是什么使你想出这样一个滑稽的问题来？”旺卡先生说。
“我想起你给维奥莉特•博雷加德的口香糖。”查理说。
“这么说，是那件事使你不放心！”旺卡先生叫道，“但是你不知道吗，我亲爱的孩子，那口香糖根本不是我给维奥莉特的，是她擅自拿走了。当时我还叫道，‘停止！不要吃！把它吐出来！’但是那傻妞就是不听我的话。不过，口香糖和旺卡维他完全是两码事。现在是我请你的姥爷、姥姥和奶奶吃药丸，是我向他们推荐的。只要按照我的指示服用，便会像吃糖果一样安全！”
“那还用说！”巴克特先生叫道，“你们三位还等什么！”平时胆小如鼠的巴克特先生自走进巧克力车间以来，发生了极大的变化。他一辈子在牙膏厂里旋牙膏管盖子，这使他变得十分腼腆和沉默寡言。但宏伟的巧克力工厂使他精神振奋，药丸的事似乎又给了他一个巨大的冲击。“听我说！”他走到床边叫道，“旺卡先生正向你们提供一个新生命！趁早拿药吃吧！”
“吃下去会很舒服的，”旺卡先生说，“而且见效神速。一秒钟年轻一岁。每过一秒钟正好年轻一岁！”他上前一步，把那瓶药丸轻轻放在床中央。“药丸就在这里，我亲爱的老人家们，”他说，“请随便吧！”
“吃吧！”所有的奥帕—伦帕小人一起叫道：
吃吧，吃吧，老朋友，不要错过良机！
快使你们的生活变得称心如意！
快吃一粒神丹！
快吃一粒使你们力大如牛的药丸！
莫失良机，赶快吃吧！
这是威利•旺卡的旺卡维他！
这几句话，对于床上的三位老人家已经足够了。他们一起向那瓶药丸扑过去。六只瘦骨嶙峋的手伸出来抢药瓶。噢！乔治娜姥姥抢到了。她得意地哼了一声，旋开瓶盖，把瓶里发亮的黄色小药丸全都倒在她膝盖上的毯子上，用双手捂住它们，不让乔治姥爷和约瑟芬奶奶抓到。“好！”她兴奋地一边叫着，一边很快地数药丸，“这里共有十二粒！我拿六粒，你们每人三粒！”
“噢！那太不公平了！”约瑟芬奶奶哇哇大叫，“应该是每人四粒！”
“对，每人四粒！”乔治姥爷叫道，“来吧，乔治娜！把我的一份给我！”
旺卡先生耸耸肩，转过身去不看他们。他最恨人们贪婪自私。他想：“让他们去争个明白吧。”于是他走开了，慢慢地向着巧克力瀑布走过去。这是一个令人不愉快的真理，旺卡先生对自己说，世界上几乎所有的人总是见利忘义。他们争夺得最厉害的是金钱。但这些药丸比金钱更贵重。它们能为人们做到的事，连金钱也做不到。每一粒药丸至少价值一百万元。他知道，有许多大富豪为了能年轻二十岁，会心甘情愿地付出这笔巨款。旺卡先生来到瀑布下面的河边，站在那里看着融化的巧克力哗哗地飞泻下来。他以为瀑布的声音能压倒床上三位老人家的争吵声，但是压不住，即使背对着他们，他还是不得不听到他们大部分的谈话。
“是我先拿到手的！”乔治娜姥姥在喊叫，“因此它们应该由我来分！”
“噢，不对！”约瑟芬奶奶尖声大叫，“旺卡先生不是把药丸全送给你一个人的，他送给我们三个！”
“我要拿我的一份，没有人能够阻止。”乔治姥爷叫道，“来吧，你这女人！把药丸给我！”
这时传来约瑟夫爷爷的声音，他在吵闹声中斩钉截铁地插进来。“马上停止！”他喝令道，“你们三个都停下来！你们的举止活像野人！”
“你别管，约瑟夫，管你自己的事去吧！”约瑟芬奶奶回敬道。
“你可小心点，约瑟芬。”约瑟夫爷爷说下去，“一个人吃四粒，不管怎么说也是太多了。”
“约瑟夫爷爷说得对。”查理说，“乔治娜姥姥，为什么不照旺卡先生说的，只吃一粒或者两粒呢？这样还能留下一点给约瑟夫爷爷和爸爸妈妈。”
“对呀！”巴克特先生叫道，“我很想吃一粒！”
“噢，能年轻二十岁，脚也不再痛了，那不是再好也没有了吗？”巴克特太太说，“你不能省下两粒，给我们夫妇俩一人一粒吗，妈妈？”
“不能！”乔治娜姥姥说，“旺卡先生说过，这些药丸是专给我们三个在床上的人吃的！”
“我要我的一份！”乔治姥爷大叫，“来吧，乔治娜！把药丸平分吧！”
“嘿，放开我，你这野蛮的家伙！”乔治娜姥姥叫道，“你把我弄痛了！噢……好吧！那好吧！只要你不再扭我的手臂，我就把药丸分给你们……这四粒给约瑟芬……这四粒给乔治……这四粒是我的。”
“好！”乔治姥爷说，“现在谁有水？”
旺卡先生头也没回，他知道三个奥帕—伦帕人会送三杯水到床边。奥帕—伦帕人总是时刻准备好为别人效劳的。三位老人家安静了一会儿。
“好，我这就吃了！”乔治姥爷叫道。
“我这就要变得年轻漂亮了！”约瑟芬奶奶叫道。
“再见了，老年！”乔治娜姥姥叫道，“现在大家一起来吧！一起吃下去！”
接着一片寂静。旺卡先生很想回过头去看，但他强制自己等着。他从眼角里可以看到一大群奥帕—伦帕人都一动不动，眼睛紧紧地盯住升降机旁边的大床那个方向。忽然查理的声音打破了寂静。“哇！”他叫道，“看他们的样子吧！这……这真是不可思议！”
“我没有法子相信！”约瑟夫爷爷也叫起来，“他们愈变愈年轻了！一点不假！就看乔治姥爷的头发吧！”
“还有他的牙齿！”查理叫道，“噢，乔治姥爷！你又长出一口美丽的雪白牙齿了！”
“妈妈！”巴克特太太对乔治娜姥姥叫道，“噢，妈妈！你真漂亮！你多么年轻啊！看看爸爸吧！”她指着乔治姥爷说下去，“你不是挺英俊吗？”
“你觉得怎么样，约瑟芬？”约瑟夫爷爷激动地问道，“告诉我，又回到了三十岁，你觉得怎么样？等一等！你看上去三十岁还不到！你现在不可能比二十岁多一天……够了，不是吗？如果我是你，我就到此为止！二十岁已经够年轻了……”
旺卡先生难过地摇头，用一只手捂住两只眼睛。如果你站得离他近一点，就可以听到他轻轻地自言自语地咕哝：“噢，天啊！天啊！我们又出事了……”
“妈妈！”巴克特太太尖叫道，声音充满了恐惧，“你为什么还不停止啊，妈妈！你变得太过头了！你已经不到二十岁！你顶多只有十五岁！你现在……你现在……你现在只有十岁了……你愈变愈小了，妈妈！”
“约瑟芬！”约瑟夫爷爷焦急地叫，“嘿，约瑟芬！别这样，约瑟芬！你在缩小！你现在成了个小女孩！哪位快帮帮忙，快让她停下来吧！快！”
“他们全都变过头了！”查理叫道。
“他们药丸吃得太多了。”巴克特先生说。
“妈妈比他们两个缩小得都快！”巴克特太太哭叫道，“妈妈！你没听见我的话吗，妈妈？
你不能停下来吗？”
“我的天，真是变得够快的。”巴克特先生说，似乎只有他一个人对这件事十分欣赏，“真正是一秒钟年轻一岁啊！”
“不过他们所剩的岁数不多了！”约瑟夫爷爷哭也似的叫起来。
“妈妈现在不到四岁了！”巴克特太太大叫，“她三岁了……两岁了……一岁了……我的天，她出什么事情啦？她到哪里去了？妈妈呢？乔治娜！你在哪里？旺卡先生！快来呀！来吧，旺卡先生！出可怕的事了！出毛病了！我的妈妈不见了！”
旺卡先生叹了口气，转过身，十分镇静地慢步向床边走来。
“我的妈妈到哪里去了？”巴克特太太大哭大叫。
“看约瑟芬吧！”约瑟夫爷爷叫道，“看看她！我求求你！”旺卡先生去看约瑟芬奶奶。她坐在床当中，没命地大哭：“哇！哇！哇！哇！哇！哇！哇！哇！”
“她是个哭宝宝！”约瑟夫爷爷叫道，“我有了一个哭宝宝做老婆！”
“另外一个是乔治姥爷！”巴克特先生高兴地笑着说，“那爬来爬去，稍微大一点的就是我的岳父——我太太的爸爸。”
“不错！他是我的爸爸！”巴克特太太哇哇哭叫，“可是我的老母亲乔治娜哪里去了？她失踪了！哪里也找不到她了，旺卡先生！她消失得无影无踪！我看着她愈变愈小，愈变愈小，最后变得那么小，在空气中消失不见了！我只想知道她去了哪里！我们有什么办法能把她找回来呢？”
“女士们，先生们！”旺卡先生说着，走过来，举起双手让大家安静，“我求求你们，请不要吵了！没什么需要担心的……”
“你还说没什么需要担心！”可怜的巴克特太太叫道，“我的老母亲落到阴沟里，我的老父亲成了个哇哇叫的哭宝宝……”
“一个可爱的小宝宝。”旺卡先生说。
“我完全同意。”巴克特先生说。
“还有我的约瑟芬呢？”约瑟夫爷爷叫道。
“她怎么啦？”旺卡先生说。
“她……”
“变得好极了，约瑟夫爷爷。”旺卡先生说，“你不同意我的话吗？”
“噢，是的！”约瑟夫爷爷说，“我是说不是的！我这是说到哪儿去啦？她变成了一个哭宝宝！”
“但是十分健康。”旺卡先生说，“我可以问你一声吗，约瑟夫爷爷？她吃了几粒药丸？”
“四粒。”约瑟夫爷爷沉着脸说，“他们全都吃了四粒。”
旺卡先生的喉咙里呼哧呼哧响，脸上流露出极大的悲痛表情。“为什么，噢，为什么人们不能更理智一些？”他难过地说，“他们为什么不听我的话？我事先已经十分详细地解释过，每一粒药丸使服用的人正好年轻二十岁。既然约瑟芬奶奶吃下四粒，她自然要年轻二十岁的四倍，那就是……等一等……二四得八……加一个零……那就是八十……因此她自动年轻八十岁。请问，在变年轻以前，你的太太有多大，约瑟夫爷爷？”
“八十岁多一点，”约瑟夫爷爷回答说，“应该是八十岁零三个月。”
“那就对了！”旺卡先生露出快活的微笑叫道，“旺卡维他真是十全十美！她现在显然是三个月的样子！我还没有见过一个这么白白胖胖的小宝宝！”
“我也没有。”巴克特先生说，“优生婴儿比赛中她一定可以得奖。”
“一定得冠军。”旺卡先生说。
“开心点吧，爷爷。”查理握住爷爷的手说，“不要难过，约瑟芬奶奶是个漂亮的小宝宝。”
“太太，”旺卡先生转过身来问巴克特太太，“请问你父亲乔治姥爷本来几岁？”
“八十一。”巴克特太太哭着说，“八十一岁整。”
“那么药丸使他变成了一个活泼可爱的一岁大娃娃。”旺卡先生高兴地说。
“多么了不起啊！”巴克特先生对他的太太说，“你是世界上第一个给父亲换尿布的人！”
“他可以自己换尿布！”巴克特太太说，“我想知道我的妈妈上哪里去了！乔治娜姥姥在哪里？”
“哈哈！”旺卡先生说，“呵呵……对！真的……乔治娜姥姥上哪里去了呢？请问她本来几岁？”
“七十八岁。”巴克特太太告诉他。
“嗯，那就对了！”旺卡先生大笑着说，“道理这就清清楚楚了！”
“什么道理？”巴克特太太生气地说。
“我亲爱的太太，”旺卡先生说，“你的妈妈只有七十八岁，却吃了足以使她年轻八十岁的旺卡维他药丸，她自然就消失了。她服用的药丸超过了她能服用的量！因此去掉了的岁数比她原有的岁数还多！”
“请解释清楚。”巴克特太太说。
“这道题再简单不过了，”旺卡先生说，“七十八减去八十是多少？”
“负二！”查理说。
“对啊！”巴克特先生说，“我的岳母是负二岁。”
“不可能！”巴克特太太说。
“这是千真万确的。”旺卡先生说。
“请问她现在在哪里？”巴克特太太说。
“这个问题问得好，”旺卡先生说，“这个问题问得非常好。不错，问得实在好。她现在在哪里？”
“你一点也不知道吗？”
“我当然知道。”旺卡先生说，“我完全知道她在哪里。”
“那么告诉我吧！”
“你一定要明白这个道理，”旺卡先生说，“如果她现在是负两岁，那么她要到两年以后才能够从零开始。她得等上两年。”
“她在哪里等呢？”巴克特太太问道。
“当然是在等候室。”巴克特先生说。
嘭！嘭！奥帕—伦帕人的鼓声又响起来。嘭嘭嘭嘭！站在巧克力车间的几百名奥帕—伦帕人全都开始跟着音乐节拍摇摆跳舞。“请注意！”他们唱起来了：
请注意！请注意！
不要说话！不要打喷嚏！
不要打瞌睡，不要做白日梦！请保持清醒！
事关你的健康，事关你的性命！
“呵呵！”你说，“与我无关！”
“哈哈！”我们回答，“你就等着看。”
请问你们有哪位，
见过一个女孩叫戈迪？
七岁时候，她上肯特，到奶奶的家，
要在那里住一下。
到那里的第二天，
在吃午餐的时间，
奶奶说：“我要到城里，到商店去买东西。”
（你知道奶奶出去，
为什么不带她的孙女？
只为她想喝杯酒，
要上酒店去走走。）
话说奶奶出去关上了门，
戈迪看见只剩下自己一个人，
她马上就不客气，
到放药的架子那里，
用贪婪的小眼睛去瞧，
看各种形状和大小的药。
它们五颜六色，各不相同，
有绿，有蓝，有棕，有红。
“好吧，”她说，“试试棕色的药丸。”
她拿起一粒，吃到了肚子里面。
“好吃！”她叫道，“实在好吃！”
每粒都包着巧克力。
她吃下五粒，十粒……
一直到吃光为止。
她把药丸吃得一粒不剩，
慢慢地从地板上站起身。
她停下。她打嗝。哎呀，我的妈！
她只觉得头昏眼又花。
小戈迪哪能知道为了啥，
因为没人告诉她。
原来老奶奶很不幸，
有便秘的老毛病。
每天晚上睡觉以前，
她要吃通大便的药丸药片。
她那些药尽管不同，
但是都医这毛病。
不管是红，是蓝，是绿，
都有很强的药力。
在所有的药当中，
要数外面包着巧克力的药丸最凶。
它的药力厉害非凡，
连老奶奶吃了都要打战。
正是因为这个道理，
她一年顶多只敢吃两次。
这就难怪小戈迪
开始感到人像发霉似的。
她的肚子里有东西在作怪，
咕噜咕噜响起来。
接着，天啊，肚子里头，
很厉害地轰隆轰隆！
轰隆轰隆响个没完，
响彻了整个房间！
连地板都震动不已，
墙上落下石灰、油漆。
紧接着是乒乓乒乓，
劈里啪啦，震耳地响。
（只听见隔墙有人说道：
“准是大雷雨来到！”）
这隆隆声没完没了，
窗子吧嗒吧嗒，一个灯泡爆掉。
小戈迪抱着肚子大吼：
“我的肚子不对头！”
我们真怕这件事情，
是这一年的大新闻。
肚子里在大声爆炸，
一个孩子怎能不害怕？
奶奶两点半回家来，
喝了酒有点摇摇摆摆，
但即使如此还是看见，
空药瓶在地板上面。
“我宝贵的通大便药！”她大叫。
“我觉得难受死了。”小女孩答道。
“这我一点不奇怪！”
奶奶摇头，简直气坏，
“你就不能不动它？”
说着她去打电话。
她喊道：“请马上派救护车来！
这里病了一个小女孩！
这里是丰特威尔街五十号！
再不来，我怕她的肚子会爆掉！”
我们断定你不愿听，
关于医院的事情，
他们怎样做各种手术，
使用胃唧筒和橡皮箍。
让我们回答你想知道的事吧：
小戈迪是活着还是死啦？
医生们围在床边。
“希望不大。”他们发表意见。
“她快要死，快要死……噢，死了！”他们叫道，
“她情况危急，她死了，死掉！”
“我自己倒不觉得。”女孩子回答，
马上把眼睛睁大。
她睁大蓝色的大眼睛，叹了口气，
向焦急的医生们把眼睛眯眯：
“我想我会痊愈。”
小戈迪真活了下来，
先是回到肯特奶奶的住宅。
第二天她的爸爸来接她，
用汽车把她带回在多弗的家。
但是小戈迪的命虽然保住，
麻烦却远远没有结束。
要知道，如果一个人，
过量吃了危险的药品，
他就一定，唉，
会有后遗症留下来。
我们真感到难过，
要说出小戈迪所受的折磨。
因为这种倒霉的药，
吃过量了很糟糕，
它进入骨头和血液，
搞乱她的染色体，
它使她一辈子难受，
对它可一点办法也没有，
没有办法使这该死的东西，
离开她的身体。
于是这小女孩十分悲惨，
每天要有七个钟头时间，
离不开那个……那个……
那个……那个……厕所。
而厕所这一种地方，
待着总不会叫人心情愉快。
因此趁还来得及，
千万别学小戈迪。
请别开玩笑，认认真真，
在胸前画个十字保证：
绝对不自己随意动手，
从药架上把药拿走。
16 Vita-Wonk and Minusland
16 Vita-Wonk and Minusland
'It's up to you, Charlie my boy,' said Mr Wonka. 'It's yourfactory. Shall we let your Grandma Georgina wait it out for thenext two years or shall we try to bring her back right now?'
'You don't really mean you might be able to bring her back?'
cried Charlie.
'There's no harm in trying, is there … if that's the way youwant it?'
'Oh yes! Of course I do! For Mother's sake especially! Can'tyou see how sad she is!'
Mrs Bucket was sitting on the edge of the big bed, dabbingher eyes with a hanky. 'My poor old mum,' she kept saying.
'She's minus two and I won't see her again for months andmonths and months — if ever at all!' Behind her, GrandpaJoe, with the help of an Oompa-Loompa, was feeding histhree-month-old wife, Grandma Josephine, from a bottle.
Alongside them, Mr Bucket was spooning something called'Wonka's Squdgemallow Baby Food' into one-year-old GrandpaGeorge's mouth but mostly all over his chin and chest. 'Bigdeal!' he was muttering angrily. 'What a lousy rotten rotten thisis! They tell me I'm going to the Chocolate Factory to have agood time and I finish up being a mother to my father-in-law.'
'Everything's under control, Charlie,' said Mr Wonka, surveyingthe scene. 'They're doing fine. They don't need us here. Comealong! We're off to hunt for Grandma!' He caught Charlie bythe arm and went dancing towards the open door of theGreat Glass Elevator. 'Hurry up, my dear boy, hurry up!' hecried. 'We've got to hustle if we're going to get there before!'
'Before what, Mr Wonka?'
'Before she gets subtracted of course! All Minuses aresubtracted! Don't you know any arithmetic at all?'
They were in the Elevator now and Mr Wonka was searchingamong the hundreds of buttons for the one he wanted.
'Here we are!' he said, placing his finger delicately upon a tinyivory button on which it said 'MINUSLAND'.
The doors slid shut. And then, with a fearful whistling whirringsound the great machine leaped away to the right. Charliegrabbed Mr Wonka's legs and held on for dear life. MrWonka pulled a jump-seat out of the wall and said, 'Sit downCharlie, quick, and strap yourself in tight! This journey's goingto be rough and choppy!' There were straps on either side ofthe seat and Charlie buckled himself firmly in. Mr Wonkapulled out a second seat for himself and did the same.
'We are going a long way down,' he said. 'Oh, such a longway down we are going.'
The Elevator was gathering speed. It twisted and swerved. Itswung sharply to the left, then it went right, then left again,and it was heading downward all the time — down and downand down. 'I only hope,' said Mr Wonka, 'the Oompa-Loompasaren't using the other Elevator today.'
'What other Elevator?' asked Charlie.
'The one that goes the opposite way on the same track asthis.'
'Holy snakes, Mr Wonka! You mean we might have acollision?'
'I've always been lucky so far, my boy … Hey! Take a lookout there! Quick!'
Through the window, Charlie caught a glimpse of what seemedlike an enormous quarry with a steep craggy-brown rock-face,and all over the rock-face there were hundreds ofOompa-Loompas working with picks and pneumatic drills.
'Rock-candy,' said Mr Wonka. 'That's the richest deposit ofrock-candy in the world.'
The Elevator sped on. 'We're going deeper, Charlie. Deeper anddeeper. We're about two hundred thousand feet down already.'
Strange sights were flashing by outside, but the Elevator wastravelling at such a terrific speed that only occasionally wasCharlie able to recognize anything at all. Once, he thought hesaw in the distance a cluster of tiny houses shaped likeupside-down cups, and there were streets in between thehouses and Oompa-Loompas walking in the streets. Anothertime, as they were passing some sort of a vast red plaindotted with things that looked like oil derricks, he saw a greatspout of brown liquid spurting out of the ground high into theair. 'A gusher!' cried Mr Wonka, clapping his hands. 'Awhacking great gusher! How splendid! Just when we neededit!'
'A what?' said Charlie.
'We've struck chocolate again, my boy. That'll be a rich newfield. Oh, what a beautiful gusher! Just look at it go!'
On they roared, heading downward more steeply than evernow, and hundreds, literally hundreds of astonishing sights keptflashing by outside. There were giant cog-wheels turning andmixers mixing and bubbles bubbling and vast orchards oftoffee-apple trees and lakes the size of football grounds filledwith blue and gold and green liquid, and everywhere therewere Oompa-Loompas!
'You realize,' said Mr Wonka, 'that what you saw earlier onwhen you went round the factory with all those naughty littlechildren was only a tiny corner of the establishment. It goesdown for miles and miles. And as soon as possible I shallshow you all the way around slowly and properly. But that willtake three weeks. Right now we have other things to thinkabout and I have important things to tell you. Listen carefullyto me, Charlie. I must talk fast, for we'll be there in a coupleof minutes.
'I suppose you guessed,' Mr Wonka went on, 'what happenedto all those Oompa-Loompas in the Testing Room when I wasexperimenting with Wonka-Vite. Of course you did. Theydisappeared and became Minuses just like your GrandmaGeorgina. The recipe was miles too strong. One of themactually became Minus eighty-seven! Imagine that!'
'You mean he's got to wait eighty-seven years before he cancome back?' Charlie asked.
'That's what kept bugging me, my boy. After all, one can'tallow one's best friends to wait around as miserable Minusesfor eighty-seven years …'
'And get subtracted as well,' said Charlie. 'That would befrightful.'
'Of course it would, Charlie. So what did I do? "Willy Wonka,"I said to myself, "if you can invent Wonka-Vite to make peopleyounger, then surely to goodness you can also inventsomething else to make people older!"'
'Ah-ha!' cried Charlie. 'I see what you're getting at. Then youcould turn the Minuses quickly back into Pluses and bringthem home again.'
'Precisely, my dear boy, precisely — always supposing, ofcourse, that I could find out where the Minuses had gone to!'
The Elevator plunged on, diving steeply toward the centre ofthe Earth. All was blackness outside now. There was nothing tobe seen.
'So once again,' Mr Wonka went on, 'I rolled up my sleevesand set to work. Once again I squeezed my brain, searchingfor the new recipe … I had to create age … to make peopleold … old, older, oldest … "Ha-ha!" I cried, for now the ideaswere beginning to come. "What is the oldest living thing in theworld? What lives longer than anything else?"'
'A tree,' Charlie said.
'Right you are, Charlie! But what kind of a tree? Not theDouglas Fir. Not the Oak. Not the Cedar. No no, my boy. It isa tree called the Bristlecone Pine that grows upon the slopes ofWheeler Peak in Nevada, U.S.A. You can find Bristlecone Pineson Wheeler Peak today that are over four thousand years old!
This is fact, Charlie. Ask any dendrochronologist you like (andlook that word up in the dictionary when you get home, willyou, please?). So that started me off. I jumped into the GreatGlass Elevator and rushed all over the world collecting specialitems from the oldest living things …
A PINT OF SAP FROM A 4000-YEAR-OLD BRISTLECONEPINE
THE TOE-NAIL CLIPPINGS FROM A 168-YEAR-OLD
RUSSIAN FARMER
CALLED PETROVITCH GREGOROVITCH
AN EGG LAID BY A 200-YEAR-OLD TORTOISE BELONGINGTO THE KING OF
TONGA
THE TAIL OF A 51-YEAR-OLD HORSE IN ARABIA
THE WHISKERS OF A 36-YEAR-OLD CAT CALLED
CRUMPETS
AN OLD FLEA WHICH HAD LIVED ON CRUMPETS FOR 36YEARS
THE TAIL OF A 207-YEAR-OLD GIANT RAT FROM TIBETTHE BLACK TEETH OF A 97-YEAR OLD GRIMALKIN
LIVING IN A CAVE ON
MOUNT POPOCATEPETL
THE KNUCKLEBONES OF A 700-YEAR-OLD CATTALOO
FROM PERU …
… All over the world, Charlie, I tracked down very old andancient animals and took an important little bit of somethingfrom each one of them — a hair or an eyebrow or sometimesit was no more than an ounce or two of the jam scrapedfrom between its toes while it was sleeping. I tracked downTHE WHISTLE-PIG, THE BOBOLINK, THE SKROCK, THEPOLLY-FROG, THE GIANT CURLICUE, THE STINGING SLUGAND THE VENOMOUS SQUERKLE who can spit poison rightinto your eye from fifty yards away. But there's no time to tellyou about them all now, Charlie. Let me just say quickly thatin the end, after lots of boiling and bubbling and mixing andtesting in my Inventing Room, I produced one tiny cupful ofoily black liquid and gave four drops of it to a bravetwenty-year-old Oompa-Loompa volunteer to see whathappened.'
'What did happen?' Charlie asked.
'It was fantastic!' cried Mr Wonka. 'The moment he swallowedit, he began wrinkling and shrivelling up all over and his hairstarted dropping off and his teeth started falling out and,before I knew it, he had suddenly become an old fellow ofseventy-five! And thus, my dear Charlie, was Vita-Wonkinvented!'
'Did you rescue all the Oompa-Loompa Minuses, Mr Wonka?'
'Every single one of them, my boy! One hundred andthirty-one all told! Mind you, it wasn't quite as easy as all that.
There were lots of snags and complications along the way… .
Good heavens! We're nearly there! I must stop talking nowand watch where we're going.'
Charlie realized that the Elevator was no longer rushing androaring. It was hardly moving at all now. It seemed to bedrifting. 'Undo your straps,' Mr Wonka said. 'We must getready for action.' Charlie undid his straps and stood up andpeered out. It was an eerie sight. They were drifting in aheavy grey mist and the mist was swirling and swishing aroundthem as though driven by winds from many sides. In thedistance, the mist was darker and almost black and it seemedto be swirling more fiercely than ever over there. Mr Wonkaslid open the doors. 'Stand back!' he said. 'Don't fall out,Charlie, whatever you do!'
The mist came into the Elevator. It had the fusty reeky smellof an old underground dungeon. The silence was overpowering.
There was no sound at all, no whisper of wind, no voice ofcreature or insect, and it gave Charlie a queer frighteningfeeling to be standing there in the middle of this grey inhumannothingness — as though he were in another world altogether,in some place where man should never be.
'Minusland!' whispered Mr Wonka. 'This is it, Charlie! Theproblem now is to find her. We may be lucky … and thereagain, we may not!'
16　维他旺卡和负数人地带
16　维他旺卡和负数人地带
“现在看你了，我的小查理，”旺卡先生说，“这是你的工厂。我们是让你的乔治娜姥姥等上两年呢，还是想办法马上把她找回来？”
“你真认为你有办法把她找回来吗？”查理叫道。
“不妨一试……如果你想的话。”
“想！我当然想！特别是为了妈妈！你没有看到她有多么伤心吗？”
巴克特太太坐在大床边，用一条小手帕揉着她的眼睛。“我可怜的老妈妈，”她不断地说，“她负两岁，即使最后还能见到她，但我将几个月几个月几个月看不到她了。”在她后面，约瑟夫爷爷正在一位奥帕—伦帕人的帮助下，用奶瓶在喂他的只有三个月大的太太约瑟芬奶奶喝牛奶。在他们旁边，巴克特先生正在用羹匙喂一岁大的乔治姥爷吃所谓“旺卡婴儿奶糕”！但它大都流到了他的下巴上和胸前。“大好佬！”巴克特先生生气地咕哝说，“这真是倒了大大大霉！以为到巧克力工厂要过好日子，结果却要给岳父当保姆。”
“一切都恢复正常了，查理，”旺卡先生看着这番情景说，“他们干得很好。这里不再需要我们了。走吧！我们去找乔治娜姥姥！”他抓住查理的一个手臂，蹦跳着，把他拉到大玻璃升降机开着的门里去。“快点，我的好孩子，快点！”他叫道，“如果我们想抢先赶到那里，我们就得赶紧一点！”
“抢先赶在什么事情之前啊，旺卡先生？”
“当然是在她被减掉之前！所有负数都要被减掉！你连这么简单的算术也不懂吗？”
他们现在已经在升降机里，旺卡先生正在几百个按钮中找出他要的那个。“有了，在这里！”他说。他用一个手指轻快地按下一个象牙色小按钮。按钮上面写着：负数人地带。
升降机的门轻轻关上。在可怕的咝咝声和呼呼声中，巨大的升降机向右飞走，查理抓住旺卡先生的腿，紧紧抓住不放。旺卡先生从墙上拉下一张折叠椅说：“坐下来吧，查理，快，紧紧拴上安全带！这一路上将十分艰苦！”座位两边有带子，查理把它们紧紧扣上。旺卡先生也给自己拉下一张折叠椅，同时拴上了安全带。
“我们下去要走很长的路，”他说，“噢，我们下去要走的路是多么长啊。”
升降机在加速。它转来转去，猛转向左，又猛转向右，再猛转向左，但一直在下去……下去，下去，下去。“但愿我那些奥帕—伦帕人今天没有使用另一架升降机。”旺卡先生说。
“什么另一架升降机？”查理问道。
“和这架升降机同一条路线，但方向相反。”
“天啊，旺卡先生！你是说我们会相撞吗？”
“直到现在为止我运气好，两架升降机还没有相撞过，我的孩子……哦，朝外面看看吧！
快！”
查理望向窗外，只见外面像是一个巨大的石坑，有陡峭粗糙的棕色岩壁，岩壁上满是奥帕—伦帕人，足有千百名，拿着鹤嘴锄和镐正在干活。
“冰糖，”旺卡先生说，“这里是世界上冰糖蕴藏量最丰富的地方。”
升降机飞降而下。“我们愈下愈深了，查理，愈下愈深了。我们已经飞下来约二十万英尺。”外面掠过奇怪的景色，但升降机的下降速度快得惊人，查理只偶然看到点什么。有一次他似乎看见远处有一簇小房子，形状像倒扣的杯子，房屋间有街道，奥帕—伦帕人还在街上行走呢。又有一次他们经过一个红色的广阔平原，上面有一点一点的东西，看上去很像油塔。在这里他看见一股棕色液体从地面喷出来，喷得很高。“喷井！”旺卡先生拍手大叫，“一个巨型喷井！多么了不起！我们正好需要它！”
“一个什么？”查理问道。
“我们又开出巧克力来了，我的孩子。那将是一个蕴藏量丰富的巧克力田。噢，多么美丽的喷井啊！看看它喷出来的巧克力吧！”
升降机更加笔直地向下俯冲，发出轰隆轰隆的声音。千百处惊人景色在窗外掠过。其中有正在旋转的嵌齿巨轮，有正在搅拌的搅拌器，有噼噼啪啪响的泡泡，有广阔的太妃苹果树果园，有足球场那么大的满是蓝色、金色、绿色液体的大湖，还有比比皆是的奥帕—伦帕人！
“你要明白，”旺卡先生说，“你先前跟那几个淘气孩子一起参观的工厂，只不过是这大企业的一小角。这里下去还有许多英里。一有机会，我将带你下来慢慢地仔细参观。这样参观一次要花上三个星期的时间。现在我们有别的事情要考虑，我有要紧的事情要告诉你。你留心听我说，查理。我必须说得快，因为还有两分钟我们就到了。”
“我想你已经猜到，”旺卡先生说下去，“我试验旺卡维他时，试验室里那些奥帕—伦帕人都发生了什么事。你一定已经猜到，他们消失了，成了负数人，就跟你的乔治娜姥姥一样。
由于配方用药太重，其中一个奥帕—伦帕人竟负了八十七岁！你试想一下！”
“你是说他要过八十七年才能回来吗？”查理问道。
“正是这件事使我担心。总而言之，一个人不能让他最好的朋友变成悲哀的负数人，等上八十七年……”
“而且被减掉，”查理说，“那太可怕了。”
“当然可怕，查理。我怎么办呢？‘威利•旺卡，’我对自己说，‘既然你能发明旺卡维他使人变年轻，你一定也能发明一种药使人变年老！’”
“对！”查理叫道，“我明白你在研究什么了。这样你就能很快地把负数人变成正数人，把他们重新带回来。”
“一点不错，我亲爱的孩子，一点不错——我一直认为，我能找出负数人都到哪里去了！”
升降机笔直地向着地心俯冲。现在外面一片漆黑，什么也看不见。
“就这样，”旺卡先生说下去，“我又一次卷起衣袖动手工作。我又一次绞尽脑汁寻求新的配方……我必须创造年岁……使人变老……老，更老，最老……‘哈哈！’我叫道，因为开始来主意了，‘世界上最老的生物是什么？什么东西比任何别的东西活得更长？’”
“树。”查理说。
“你说对了，查理！但哪一种树？不是黄杉，不是橡树，也不是雪松。不是，不是，我的孩子，是一种叫芒果松的树，它生长在美国内华达州惠勒峰的斜坡上。你今天还可以在惠勒峰上找到这种芒果松，它们的树龄在四千年以上！这是真的，查理。你高兴的话，可以去问随便哪一位树木年代学家。（回家以后请你翻阅词典，查查这么一个词好吗？）我就这样开始了。我跳上大玻璃升降机，周游列国去收集各种现存的最古老的东西……”
一品脱有四千年树龄的老芒果松的树液
一个曾被一百六十八岁高龄的俄国老农民彼特罗维奇•格列高罗维奇用过的脚趾甲钳一只由汤加国王养的二百岁老乌龟生的蛋
一匹五十一岁的阿拉伯老马的尾巴
几根三十六岁的老猫“烤圆饼”的须
一只在那只老猫身上活了三十六年的老虱子
一条二百零七岁的西藏特大老鼠的尾巴
一只在墨西哥波波卡特佩特火山山洞中生活了九十七年的老猫的黑牙齿一头七百岁的秘鲁杂种牛的关节骨……
“查理，我走遍了全世界追踪古老动物，从它们身上取一点要紧东西——一根头发或者一根眉毛，有时候不到一两盎司的污垢，是趁这些动物睡着时从它们的脚趾缝里刮下来的。我跟踪过美洲旱獭、食米鸟、蜊蚪蛙、巨型花体、蜇人鼻涕虫和能在五十码以外把毒液喷到你眼睛上的毒虫。但现在没有时间跟你细说了，查理。让我赶快说出结果吧。我在发明室里把这些东西混合烹调，又不断试验，制造出一小杯黑色的油质液体，并给一位勇敢的二十岁奥帕—伦帕志愿者服用了四滴，看会发生什么事情。”
“发生什么事情了？”查理问道。
“也真叫人吃惊！”旺卡先生叫道，“他一吃下去，全身皮肤开始皱缩，头发和牙齿开始掉落，我还没有弄明白，他已经一下子变成一位七十五岁的老人！我亲爱的查理，维他旺卡就这样被发明出来了！”
“你把所有那些奥帕—伦帕负数人都救出来了吗，旺卡先生？”
“一个不少，全救出来了，我的孩子！一共一百三十一人！告诉你，说起来容易，做起来就难了。过程中有许多障碍和复杂事情……天啊！我们差不多到了！现在我必须住口，看准我们要去的地方。”
查理注意到升降机不再急剧下降和隆隆作响。它现在根本不怎么动了，似乎在飘着。“解开你的安全带吧，”旺卡先生说，“我们必须准备好行动了。”查理解开了安全带，站起来往外看。这是一种奇异的光线。他们正飘荡在一层灰色的浓雾中。雾像被来自四面八方的风吹着，在他们身边沙沙地旋转。远处雾色更黑，几乎是漆黑的，旋转得也似乎特别厉害。旺卡先生把升降机的门轻轻打开。“站在里面！”他说，“千万不要跌出去，查理！”
雾冲进升降机。它带着一股地洞的霉味。周围静得要命，没有一点声音，没有风声，也没有虫兽的声音。这样站在非人世的空虚之中，使查理产生一种奇怪的恐怖感觉——他好像置身于另一个世界，在一个从来没有过人迹的地方。
“查理，这里就是负数人地带！”旺卡先生悄悄地说，“现在的问题是要把乔治娜姥姥找到。我们可能走运……但我们也可能不走运！”
17 Rescue in Minusland
17 Rescue in Minusland
T don't like it here at all,' Charlie whispered. 'It gives me thewillies.'
'Me, too,' Mr Wonka whispered back. 'But we've got a job todo, Charlie, and we must go through with it.'
The mist was condensing now on the glass walls of theElevator making it difficult to see out except through the opendoors.
'Do any other creatures live here, Mr Wonka?'
'Plenty of Gnoolies.'
'Are they dangerous?'
'If they bite you, they are. You're a gonner, my boy, if you'rebitten by a Gnooly.'
The Elevator drifted on, rocking gently from side to side. Thegrey-black oily fog swirled around them.
'What does a Gnooly look like, Mr Wonka?' 'They don't looklike anything, Charlie. They can't.' 'You mean you've never seenone?'
'You can't see Gnoolies, my boy. You can't even feel them …until they puncture your skin … then it's too late. They've gotyou.'
'You mean … there might be swarms of them all around usthis very moment?' Charlie asked.
'There might,' said Mr Wonka.
Charlie felt his skin beginning to creep. 'Do you die at once?'
he asked.
'First you become subtracted … a little later you are divided …but very slowly … it takes a long time … it's long division andit's very painful. After that, you become one of them.'
'Couldn't we shut the door?' Charlie asked.
'I'm afraid not, my boy. We'd never see her through the glass.
There's too much mist and moisture. She's not going to beeasy to pick out anyway.'
Charlie stood at the open door of the Elevator and stared intothe swirling vapours. This, he thought, is what hell must be like… hell without heat … there was something unholy about it all,something unbelievably diabolical … It was all so deathly quiet,so desolate and empty … At the same time, the constantmovement, the twisting and swirling of the misty vapours, gaveone the feeling that some very powerful force, evil andmalignant, was at work all around … Charlie felt a jab on hisarm! He jumped! He almost jumped out of the Elevator!
'Sorry,' said Mr Wonka. 'It's only me.'
'Oh-h-h!' Charlie gasped. 'For a second, I thought …'
'I know what you thought, Charlie … And by the way, I'mawfully glad you're with me. How would you like to come herealone … as I did … as I had to … many times?'
'I wouldn't,' said Charlie.
'There she is!' said Mr Wonka, pointing. 'No, she isn't! … Oh,dear! I could have sworn I saw her for a moment right overthere on the edge of that dark patch. Keep watching, Charlie.'
'There!' said Charlie. 'Over there. Look!'
'Where?' said Mr Wonka. 'Point to her, Charlie!'
'She's … she's gone again. She sort of faded away,' Charliesaid.
They stood at the open door of the Elevator, peering into theswirly grey vapours.
'There! Quick! Right there!' Charlie cried. 'Can't you see her?'
'Yes, Charlie! I see her! I'm moving up close now!'
Mr Wonka reached behind him and began touching a numberof buttons.
'Grandma!' Charlie cried out. 'We've come to get you,Grandma!'
They could see her faintly through the mist, but oh so faintly.
And they could see the mist through her as well. She wastransparent. She was hardly there at all. She was no morethan a shadow. They could see her face and just the faintestoutline of her body swathed in a sort of gown. But she wasn'tupright. She was floating lengthwise in the swirling vapour.
'Why is she lying down?' Charlie whispered.
'Because she's a Minus, Charlie. Surely you know what aminus looks like … Like that …' Mr Wonka drew a horizontalline in the air with his finger.
The Elevator glided close. The ghostly shadow of GrandmaGeorgina's face was no more than a yard away now. Charliereached out through the door to touch her but there wasnothing there to touch. His hand went right through her skin.
'Grandma!' he gasped. She began to drift away.
'Stand back!' ordered Mr Wonka, and suddenly, from somesecret place inside his coat-tails he whisked out a spray-gun. Itwas one of those old-fashioned things people used to use forspraying fly-spray around the room before aerosols came along.
He aimed the spray-gun straight at the shadow of GrandmaGeorgina and he pumped the handle hard ONCE … TWICE …THREE TIMES! Each time, a fine black spray spurted outfrom the nozzle of the gun. Instantly, Grandma Georginadisappeared.
'A bull's eye!' cried Mr Wonka, jumping up and down withexcitement. 'I got her with both barrels! I plussed her goodand proper! That's Vita-Wonk for you!'
'Where's she gone?' Charlie asked.
'Back where she came from, of course! To the factory! She's aMinus no longer, my boy! She's a one hundred per centred-blooded Plus! Come along now! Let's get out of herequickly before the Gnoolies find us!' Mr Wonka jabbed abutton. The doors closed and the Great Glass Elevator shotupwards for home.
'Sit down and strap yourself in again, Charlie!' said Mr Wonka.
'We're going flat out this time!'
The Elevator roared and rocketed up toward the surface of theEarth. Mr Wonka and Charlie sat side by side on their littlejump-seats, strapped in tight. Mr Wonka started tucking thespray-gun back into that enormous pocket somewhere in hiscoat-tails. 'It's such a pity one has to use a clumsy old thinglike this,' he said. 'But there's simply no other way of doing it.
Ideally, of course, one would measure out exactly the rightnumber of drops into a teaspoon and feed it carefully into themouth. But it's impossible to feed anything into a Minus. It'slike trying to feed one's own shadow. That's why I've got touse a spray-gun. Spray 'em all over, my boy! That's the onlyway!'
'It worked fine, though, didn't it?' Charlie said.
'Oh, it worked all right, Charlie! It worked beautifully! All I'msaying is that there's bound to be a slight overdose …'
'I don't quite know what you mean, Mr Wonka.'
'My dear boy, if it only takes four drops of Vita-Wonk to turna young Oompa-Loompa into an old man …' Mr Wonka liftedhis hands and let them fall limply on to his lap.
'You mean Grandma may have got too much?' asked Charlie,turning slightly pale. 'I'm afraid that's putting it rather mildly,'
said Mr Wonka.
'But … but why did you give her such a lot of it, then?' saidCharlie, getting more and more worried. 'Why did you sprayher three times? She must have got pints and pints of it!'
'Gallons!' cried Mr Wonka, slapping his thighs. 'Gallons andgallons! But don't let a little thing like that bother you, mydear Charlie! The important part of it is we've got her back!
She's a Minus no longer! She's a lovely Plus!
'She's as plussy as plussy can be!She's more plussy than youor than me!The question is how,Just how old is she now?Isshe more than a hundred and three?'
17　在负数人地带救乔治娜姥姥
17　在负数人地带救乔治娜姥姥
“我一点也不喜欢这个地方，”查理轻轻地说，“它使我的神经极度紧张。”
“我也是，”旺卡先生轻轻地回答，“但是我们有任务，查理，我们必须完成它。”
这时候雾凝聚在升降机的玻璃墙壁上，除了门口，很难看到外面。
“这里有别的生物吗，旺卡先生？”
“有许多格努利。”
“它们危险吗？”
“如果咬你，那是很危险的。被格努利咬上一口，我的孩子，你就完了。”
升降机继续飘行，轻轻地摇来摇去。灰黑色的油雾在他们周围打转。
“格努利看上去是什么样子的，旺卡先生？”
“根本没有办法形容它们是什么样子，查理。格努利是不会让你看见的。”
“你是说你从来没有看见过格努利？”
“孩子，格努利根本看不见，甚至感觉不到……除非它们蜇了你的皮肤……到那时就太晚了，因为它们已经找上了你。”
“你是说……就在这个时候，可能有一群一群的格努利正在我们的四周吗？”查理问道。
“可能吧。”旺卡先生说。
查理马上觉得他的皮肤开始痒起来。“要是让它们咬了一口，我会马上死去吗？”他又问。
“你先被减掉，过一会儿才被除掉，但很慢很慢……过程很长，把你除掉，需要很长时间，而且非常痛苦。最后你就成了它们的一分子。”
“我们不能关上门吗？”查理问道。
“不能，我的孩子。透过玻璃我们将永远看不到乔治娜姥姥。因为雾太大，湿气太重，把她找出来可不是一件容易的事。”
查理站在升降机开着的门口，看着旋转的气流。他想：“地狱一定就是这个样子的……这是一个不热的地狱……这里有一种不圣洁的东西，有一种令人难以相信的鬼域东西……一片死寂，是那么凄凉、空虚……”雾气不断翻腾、旋转，使人感到一种非常强大和邪恶的力量正在周围活动……查理感到手臂上被戳了一下！他跳起来，几乎跳出了升降机！“对不起。”旺卡先生说，“不过是我罢了。”
“噢！”查理气都透不过来，“我还以为是……”
“我知道你以为是什么，查理……再说，我非常高兴你是和我在一起。你会愿意一个人来吗？就像我从前来那样……就像我曾经不得不多次到这里来那样？”
“我不愿意。”查理说。
“乔治娜姥姥就在那里！”旺卡先生指着某个地方说，“不对，不是她……噢，天啊！我可以发誓，我是见了她一眼，就在那儿一抹黑暗的边上。留神看着，查理。”
“那边！”查理说，“就在那边！看！”
“在哪里？”旺卡先生说，“指给我看，查理！”
“她……她又不见了。好像是隐没了。”查理说。
他们站在升降机开着的门旁，朝旋转着的灰雾里仔细看着。
“快看！就在那边！”查理叫道，“你没有看见她吗？”
“看见了，查理！我看见她了！让我们靠近她！”
旺卡先生走到查理背后，开始按动几个按钮。
“乔治娜姥姥！”查理叫道，“我们来救你了，乔治娜姥姥！”
他们透过浓雾可以隐隐约约看见她，但是太模糊了。他们也能够透过她看见浓雾。乔治娜姥姥根本不可能在那里，因为她只是一个影子。他们看见她的脸，但只看到她披着睡袍的身体的最模糊轮廓。她不是直立着，而是躺在旋转的气流中飘来飘去。
“她为什么躺着？”查理悄悄地问道。
“因为她是个负数人，查理。你一定知道负数符号是什么样子的……它的样子是……”旺卡先生用手指在空中画了一条横线。
升降机滑过去。乔治娜姥姥脸部的模糊影子距离他们顶多只有一码。查理把手伸出门口去摸她，但是什么也没有摸到。他的手通过她的皮肤。“乔治娜姥姥！”他透不过气来，乔治娜姥姥开始飘开去了。
“站回来！”旺卡先生吩咐道，然后从他的燕尾服里面拔出一支喷枪。这是一种老式东西，在喷雾剂发明以前，人们是用它在房间里喷射灭蝇药水的。他把这喷枪对准乔治娜姥姥的影子，用力按枪柄：一下、两下、三下！每按一下，就有一股黑色液体从枪口喷出去。乔治娜姥姥马上不见了。
“射中靶子了！”旺卡先生兴奋地蹦跳着大叫，“两个枪管都射中她了！我给她加足了岁数！这就是维他旺卡起的作用！”
“她到哪里去了？”查理问道。
“她从哪里来，当然就回到哪里去！她到工厂里去了！她再也没有负数了，我的孩子！乔治娜姥姥已经是百分之百的有热血的人，她的岁数是正数！现在进来吧！趁格努利还没有找到我们，赶紧离开这里！”旺卡先生按下一个按钮，门马上关上，大玻璃升降机飞也似的上升，向上飞回家去。
“坐下来扣好安全带，查理！”旺卡先生说，“这一次我们直飞出去！”
升降机轰隆轰隆地冲向地面。旺卡先生和查理并排坐在他们的小折叠椅上，安全带拴得紧紧的。旺卡先生把喷枪放回燕尾服的大口袋。“真遗憾要用这种笨拙的古老东西。”他说，“但除此以外就没有其他办法。最理想的当然是量出准确的滴数，用茶匙小心地灌到她的嘴里去。但喂负数人吃东西是不可能的，这样做就和喂自己的影子吃东西一样。因此我只好用喷枪喷她的全身，我的孩子！只有这个办法！”
“不过效果很好，对吗？”查理说。
“噢，效果不错，查理！效果好极了！我要说明的是，我的用量只好过头一点……”
“我不太明白你的意思，旺卡先生。”
“我亲爱的孩子，要使一个年轻的奥帕—伦帕人变成老头子，用四滴维他旺卡就够了……”旺卡先生举起双手，又让它们软弱无力地落到膝盖上。
“你是说乔治娜姥姥可能吃得过多了吗？”查理问道，脸都有点发青了。
“我怕这样说还是客气的。”旺卡先生说。
“不过……不过既然这样，你为什么给她那么多呢？”查理说，他愈来愈担心了，“为什么你喷她三次？她一定吃进了许多许多品脱！”
“好几加仑！”旺卡先生拍着他的大腿叫道，“几加仑又几加仑！但是你用不着担心，我亲爱的查理！重要的是我们让她回家了！她的岁数不再是负数了！她是一个可爱的正数人！”旺卡先生接着说：
她的岁数已经恢复正数，
跟你的和我的岁数一般！
问题是不知道
她现在的岁数是多少？
会不会是不止一百零三？
18 The Oldest Person in the World
18 The Oldest Person in the World
'We return in triumph, Charlie!' cried Mr Wonka as the GreatGlass Elevator began to slow down. 'Once more your dearfamily will all be together again!'
The Elevator stopped. The doors slid open. And there was theChocolate Room and the chocolate river and theOompa-Loompas and in the middle of it all the great bedbelonging to the old grandparents. 'Charlie!' said Grandpa Joe,rushing forward. 'Thank heavens you're back!' Charlie huggedhim. Then he hugged his mother and his father. 'Is she here?'
he said. 'Grandma Georgina?'
Nobody answered. Nobody did anything except Grandpa Joe,who pointed to the bed. He pointed but he didn't look wherehe was pointing. None of them looked at the bed — exceptCharlie. He walked past them all to get a better view, and hesaw at one end the two babies, Grandma Josephine andGrandpa George, both tucked in and sleeping peacefully. At theother end …
'Don't be alarmed,' said Mr Wonka, running up and placing ahand on Charlie's arm. 'She's bound to be just a teeny bitover-plussed. I warned you about that.'
'What have you done to her?' cried Mrs Bucket. 'My poor oldmother!'
Propped up against the pillows at the other end of the bedwas the most extraordinary-looking thing Charlie had ever seen!
Was it some ancient fossil? It couldn't be that because it wasmoving slightly! And now it was making sounds! Croakingsounds — the kind of sounds a very old frog might make if itknew a few words. 'Well, well, well,' it croaked. 'If it isn't dearCharlie.'
'Grandma!' cried Charlie. 'Grandma Georgina! Oh … Oh … Oh!'
Her tiny face was like a pickled walnut. There were suchmasses of creases and wrinkles that the mouth and eyes andeven the nose were sunken almost out of sight. Her hair waspure white and her hands, which were resting on top of theblanket, were just little lumps of wrinkly skin.
The presence of this ancient creature seemed to have terrifiednot only Mr and Mrs Bucket, but Grandpa Joe as well. Theystood well back, away from the bed. Mr Wonka, on the otherhand, was as happy as ever. 'My dear lady!' he cried,advancing to the edge of the bed and clasping one of thosetiny wrinkled hands in both of his. 'Welcome home! And howare you feeling on this bright and glorious day?'
'Not too bad,' croaked Grandma Georgina. 'Not too bad at all… considering my age.'
'Good for you!' said Mr Wonka. 'Atta girl! All we've got to donow is find out exactly how old you are! Then we shall beable to take further action!'
'You're taking no further action around here,' said Mrs Bucket,tight-lipped. 'You've done enough damage already!'
'But my dear old muddleheaded mugwump,' said Mr Wonka,turning to Mrs Bucket. 'What does it matter that the old girlhas become a trifle too old? We can put that right in a jiffy!
Have you forgotten Wonka-Vite and how every tablet makesyou twenty years younger? We shall bring her back! We shalltransform her into a blossoming blushing maiden in the twinkof an eye!'
'What good is that when her husband's not even out of hisnappies yet?' wailed Mrs Bucket, pointing a finger at theone-year-old Grandpa George, so peacefully sleeping.
'Madam,' said Mr Wonka, 'let us do one thing at a time …'
'I forbid you to give her that beastly Wonka-Vite!' said MrsBucket. 'You'll turn her into a Minus again just as sure as I'mstanding here!'
'I don't want to be a Minus!' croaked Grandma Georgina. 'If Iever have to go back to that beastly Minusland again, theGnoolies will knickle me!'
'Fear not!' said Mr Wonka. 'This time I myself will supervisethe giving of the medicine. I shall personally see to it that youget the correct dosage. But listen very carefully now! I cannotwork out how many pills to give you until I know exactly howold you are! That's obvious, isn't it?'
'It is not obvious at all,' said Mrs Bucket. 'Why can't you giveher one pill at a time and play it safe?'
'Impossible, madam. In very serious cases such as this one,Wonka-Vite doesn't work at all when given in small doses.
You've got to throw everything at her in one go. You've got tohit her with it hard. A single pill wouldn't even begin to shifther. She's too far gone for that. It's all or nothing.'
'No,' said Mrs Bucket firmly.
'Yes,' said Mr Wonka. 'Dear lady, please listen to me. If youhave a very severe headache and you need three aspirins tocure it, it's no good taking only one at a time and waiting fourhours between each. You'll never cure yourself that way. You'vegot to gulp them all down in one go. It's the same withWonka-Vite. May I proceed?'
'Oh, all right, I suppose you'll have to,' said Mrs Bucket.
'Good,' said Mr Wonka, giving a little jump and twirling hisfeet in the air. 'Now then, how old are you, my dear GrandmaGeorgina?'
'I don't know,' she croaked. 'I lost count of that years andyears ago.'
'Don't you have any idea?' said Mr Wonka.
'Of course I don't,' gibbered the old woman. 'Nor would you ifyou were as old as I am.'
'Think!' said Mr Wonka. 'You've got to think!'
The tiny old wrinkled brown walnut face wrinkled itself upmore than ever. The others stood waiting. TheOompa-Loompas, enthralled by the sight of this ancient object,were all edging closer and closer to the bed. The two babiesslept on.
'Are you, for example, a hundred?' said Mr Wonka. 'Or ahundred and ten? Or a hundred and twenty?'
'It's no good,' she croaked. 'I never did have a head fornumbers.'
'This is a catastrophe!' cried Mr Wonka. 'If you can't tell mehow old you are, I can't help you! I dare not risk anoverdose!'
Gloom settled upon the entire company, including for once MrWonka himself. 'You've messed it up good and proper thistime, haven't you?' said Mrs Bucket.
'Grandma,' Charlie said, moving forward to the bed. 'Listen,Grandma. Don't worry about exactly how old you might be.
Try to think of a happening instead … think of something thathappened to you … anything you like … as far back as youcan … it may help us …'
'Lots of things happened to me, Charlie … so many manythings happened to me …'
'But can you remember any of them, Grandma?'
'Oh, I don't know, my darling … I suppose I could rememberone or two if I thought hard enough …'
'Good, Grandma, good!' said Charlie eagerly. 'Now what is thevery earliest thing you can remember in your whole life?'
'Oh, my dear boy, that really would be going back a fewyears, wouldn't it?'
'When you were little, Grandma, like me. Can't you rememberanything you did when you were little?'
The tiny sunken black eyes glimmered faintly and a sort ofsmile touched the corners of the almost invisible little slit of amouth. 'There was a ship,' she said. 'I can remember a ship… I couldn't ever forget that ship …'
'Go on, Grandma! A ship! What sort of a ship? Did you sailon her?' 'Of course I sailed on her, my darling … we all sailedon her …' 'Where from? Where to?' Charlie went on eagerly.
'Oh no, I couldn't tell you that … I was just a tiny little girl …'
She lay back on the pillow and closed her eyes. Charliewatched her, waiting for something more. Everybody waited. Noone moved.
'… It had a lovely name, that ship … there was somethingbeautiful … something so beautiful about that name … but ofcourse I couldn't possibly remember it …'
Charlie, who had been sitting on the edge of the bed, suddenlyjumped up. His face was shining with excitement. 'If I said thename, Grandma, would you remember it then?'
'I might, Charlie … yes … I think I might …' 'THEMAYFLOWER!' cried Charlie.
The old woman's head jerked up off the pillow. 'That's it!' shecroaked. 'You've got it, Charlie! The Mayflower … Such a lovelyname …'
'Grandpa!' Charlie called out, dancing with excitement. 'Whatyear did the Mayflower sail for America?'
'The Mayflower sailed out of Plymouth Harbour on Septemberthe sixth, sixteen hundred and twenty,' said Grandpa Joe.
'Plymouth …' croaked the old woman. 'That rings a bell, too …Yes, it might easily have been Plymouth …'
'Sixteen hundred and twenty!' cried Charlie. 'Oh, my heavensabove! That means you're … you do it, Grandpa!'
'Well now,' said Grandpa Joe. 'Take sixteen hundred andtwenty away from nineteen hundred and seventy-two … thatleaves … don't rush me now, Charlie … That leaves threehundred … and … and fifty-two.'
'Jumping jackrabbits!' yelled Mr Bucket. 'She's three hundredand fifty-two years old!'
'She's more,' said Charlie. 'How old did you say you were,Grandma, when you sailed on the Mayflower? Were you abouteight?'
'I think I was even younger than that, my darling … I wasonly a bitty little girl … probably no more than six …'
'Then she's three hundred and fifty-eight!' gasped Charlie.
'That's Vita-Wonk for you,' said Mr Wonka proudly. 'I told youit was powerful stuff
'Three hundred and fifty-eight!' said Mr Bucket. 'It'sunbelievable!'
'Just imagine the things she must have seen in her lifetime!'
said Grandpa Joe.
'My poor old mother!' wailed Mrs Bucket. 'What on earth …'
'Patience, dear lady,' said Mr Wonka. 'Now comes theinteresting part. Bring on the Wonka-Vite!'
An Oompa-Loompa ran forward with a large bottle and gave itto Mr Wonka. He put it on the bed. 'How young does shewant to be?' he asked.
'Seventy-eight,' said Mrs Bucket firmly. 'Exactly where she wasbefore all this nonsense started!'
'Surely she'd like to be a bit younger than that?' said MrWonka. 'Certainly not!' said Mrs Bucket. 'It's too risky!'
'Too risky, too risky!' croaked Grandma Georgina. 'You'll onlyMinus me again if you try to be clever!'
'Have it your own way,' said Mr Wonka. 'Now then, I've gotto do a few sums.' Another Oompa-Loompa trotted forward,holding up a blackboard. Mr Wonka took a piece of chalkfrom his pocket and wrote:
'Fourteen pills of Wonka-Vite exactly,' said Mr Wonka. TheOompa-Loompa took the blackboard away. Mr Wonka pickedup the bottle from the bed and opened it and counted outfourteen of the little brilliant yellow pills. 'Water!' he said. Yetanother Oompa-Loompa ran forward with a glass of water. MrWonka tipped all fourteen pills into the glass. The waterbubbled and frothed. 'Drink it while it's fizzing,' he said, holdingthe glass up to Grandma Georgina's lips. 'All in one gulp!'
She drank it.
Mr Wonka sprang back and took a large brass clock from hispocket. 'Don't forget,' he cried, 'it's a year a second! She's gottwo hundred and eighty years to lose! That'll take her fourminutes and forty seconds! Watch the centuries fall away!'
The room was so silent they could hear the ticking of MrWonka's clock. At first nothing much happened to the ancientperson lying on the bed. She closed her eyes and lay back.
Now and again, the puckered skin of her face gave a twitchand her little hands jerked up and down, but that was all …'One minute gone!' called Mr Wonka. 'She's sixty yearsyounger.' 'She looks just the same to me,' said Mr Bucket.
'Of course she does,' said Mr Wonka. 'What's a mere sixtyyears when you're over three hundred to start with!'
'Are you all right, Mother?' said Mrs Bucket anxiously. 'Talk tome, Mother!'
'Two minutes gone!' called Mr Wonka. 'She's one hundred andtwenty years younger!'
And now definite changes were beginning to show in the oldwoman's face. The skin was quivering all over and some of thedeepest wrinkles were becoming less and less deep, the mouthless sunken, the nose more prominent.
'Mother!' cried Mrs Bucket. 'Are you all right? Speak to me,Mother, please!'
Suddenly, with a suddenness that made everyone jump, the oldwoman sat bolt upright in bed and shouted, 'Did you hear thenews! Admiral Nelson has beaten the French at Trafalgar!'
'She's going crazy!' said Mr Bucket.
'Not at all,' said Mr Wonka. 'She's going through thenineteenth century.'
'Three minutes gone!' said Mr Wonka.
Every second now she was growing slightly less and lessshrivelled, becoming more and more lively. It was a marvellousthing to watch.
'Gettysburg!' she cried. 'General Lee is on the run!'
And a few seconds later she let out a great wail of anguishand said, 'He's dead, he's dead, he's dead!'
'Who's dead?' said Mr Bucket, craning forward.
'Lincoln!' she wailed. 'There goes the train …'
'She must have seen it!' said Charlie. 'She must have beenthere!'
'She is there,' said Mr Wonka. 'At least she was a few secondsago.'
'Will someone please explain to me,' said Mrs Bucket, 'what onearth …'
'Four minutes gone!' said Mr Wonka. 'Only forty seconds left!
Only forty more years to lose!'
'Grandma!' cried Charlie, running forward. 'You're lookingalmost exactly like you used to! Oh, I'm so glad!'
'Just as long as it all stops when it's meant to,' said MrsBucket. 'I'll bet it doesn't,' said Mr Bucket. 'Something alwaysgoes wrong.'
'Not when I'm in charge of it, sir,' said Mr Wonka. 'Time's up!
She is now seventy-eight years old! How do you feel, dearlady? Is everything all right?'
'I feel tolerable,' she said. 'Just tolerable. But that's no thanksto you, you meddling old mackerel!'
There she was again, the same cantankerous grumbling oldGrandma Georgina that Charlie had known so well before it allstarted. Mrs Bucket flung her arms around her and beganweeping with joy. The old woman pushed her aside and said,'What, may I ask, are those two silly babies doing at the otherend of the bed?'
'One of them's your husband,' said Mr Bucket.
'Rubbish!' she said. 'Where is George?'
'I'm afraid it's true, Mother,' said Mrs Bucket. 'That's him onthe left. The other one's Josephine …'
'You … you chiselling old cheeseburger!' she shouted, pointing afierce finger at Mr Wonka. 'What in the name of …'
'Now now now now now!' said Mr Wonka. 'Let us not formercy's sake have another row so late in the day. If everyonewill keep their hair on and leave this to Charlie and me, weshall have them exactly where they used to be in the flick of afly's wing!'
18　世界上最老的人
18　世界上最老的人
“我们胜利归来了，查理！”当大玻璃升降机开始慢下来时，旺卡先生叫道，“你又和亲爱的家人团聚了！”
升降机停下来，门轻轻地打开。这里又是巧克力车间、巧克力河、奥帕—伦帕人，当中还有几位老人家的那张大床。“查理！”约瑟夫爷爷叫着跑过来，“谢天谢地，你回来了！”查理拥抱他，接着拥抱他的妈妈和爸爸。“她在这里吗？”他说，“我是说乔治娜姥姥。”
没有一个人回答，也没有一个人动一动，除了约瑟夫爷爷，他指了指床。他只是指，却看也不看他指的地方。没有一个人朝床上看——只除了查理。他走过他们身边，到床边去看个清楚。他看见床的一头是两个婴孩——约瑟芬奶奶和乔治姥爷，他们缩着身子，睡得很安静。可是在另一头……
“不要害怕。”旺卡先生说着跑过来，把一只手放在查理的手臂上，“她只是岁数大了点。
这件事我已经跟你说过了。”
“你把她怎么样了？”巴克特太太叫道，“我可怜的老妈妈！”
就在床的这一头，枕头上靠着查理有生以来从未见过的最古怪的东西！这是古化石吗？
但不可能，因为它微微在动！现在它发出声音来了！呱呱！呱呱！一只老透了的青蛙如果会说话，它发出的声音就是这样的。“好啊，好啊，好啊！”它呱呱地说，“这不是亲爱的查理吗？”
“乔治娜姥姥！”查理叫道，“乔治娜姥姥！噢……噢……噢！”
她那张小脸活像腌核桃肉，上面的皱纹那么多，嘴、眼睛，甚至鼻子都几乎陷在里面看不见了。她的头发全白，放在毯子上的双手只是两堆皱皮肤。
这个古生物的出现看来不仅吓坏了巴克特先生和太太，也吓坏了约瑟夫爷爷。他们后退着离开床边，只有旺卡先生照旧兴高采烈。“我亲爱的老太太！”他叫着走向床边，用双手握住她的一只满是皱纹的小手，“欢迎你回家来！在这阳光灿烂的日子里，你感觉如何啊？”
“还不错。”乔治娜姥姥呱呱地说，“实在不算坏……既然我都到了这把年纪。”
“很好！”旺卡先生说，“好极了，我们现在只要弄明白你准确的岁数就行！然后可以采取下一步措施！”
“你不要再采取什么下一步措施了。”巴克特太太抿紧嘴唇说，“你坏事已经做得够多了！”
“可是我亲爱的老糊涂。”旺卡先生向巴克特太太转过身来说，“这位老女孩稍微老了点又有什么关系？我们一转眼工夫就能把这件事改正！你忘记了旺卡维他吗？每一粒药丸能使人年轻二十岁。我们会使她回复年轻！我们能在一刹那间就使她变成妙龄少女！”
“那有什么用处？她的丈夫还没有离开他的尿布。”巴克特太太指着正在安然睡着的一岁的乔治姥爷说。
“太太”，旺卡先生说，“事情我们只好一件一件做……”
“我不许你再给她吃那种可怕的旺卡维他。”巴克特太太说，“你又会把她的岁数变成负数的，这和我这个人正站在这里一样的确凿无疑！”
“我不要让我的岁数再变成负数！”乔治娜姥姥呱呱地说，“我要是再回到那可怕的负数人地带，那些格努利会把我害惨的！”
“不要怕！”旺卡先生说，“这一次我亲自监督服药，我要亲自看着让你服用正确的药量。
不过你现在要留心听好！我先要知道你有多大岁数，才能算出应该给你吃几粒药丸！这是显而易见的，对吗？”
“根本不是显而易见。”巴克特太太说，“为什么你不能一次给她吃一粒，一次一次地给，这样可以安全点！”
“这不行，太太。遇到这种极其严重的情况，少量旺卡维他不起任何作用。要吃多少必须一次吃足。重症必须用重药。吃一粒药丸只会使她病情恶化。她的情况太严重了。要么给足，要么干脆不给。”
“不行。”巴克特太太坚持说。
“行！”旺卡先生说，“亲爱的太太，请你听我说。假定你头痛得很厉害，需要吃三片阿司匹林才能治好，你却一次只吃一片，吃下去等四个小时看效果如何再吃第二片，那就一点用处也没有。这样病永远治不好。你必须把三片一次吃下去。旺卡维他也一样。我可以动手了吗？”
“噢，那好吧，我想你必须动手。”巴克特太太说。
“好！”旺卡先生说着，跳了起来，在空中转了一圈，“现在你说，我亲爱的乔治娜姥姥，你几岁了？”
“我不知道，”她呱呱地说，“我早就记不清了。”
“你一点印象也没有吗？”旺卡先生说。
“当然没有。”老太太喃喃地说，“如果你上了我这个年纪，你也不会有的。”
“想一想吧！”旺卡先生说，“你必须好好地想一想！”
“老太太那皱巴巴的小核桃脸这时皱得更厉害。其他人站在那里等着。奥帕—伦帕人全都被她这古生物的样子给吸引住，向大床愈挨愈近。两个婴孩只管睡他们的觉。
“比方说，你有一百岁了吗？”旺卡先生说，“或者是一百一十岁？或者是一百二十岁？”
“没有用。”她呱呱地说，“我从来没有数学头脑。”
“真是个大灾难！”旺卡先生叫道，“你说不出岁数，我就没有办法帮助你！我不敢冒险多用药！”
一片愁云惨雾笼罩着所有的人，包括旺卡先生本人，在他来说这还是第一次。“这一次你没有办法了，对吗？”巴克特太太说。
“乔治娜姥姥，”查理走到床边说，“你听我说，乔治娜姥姥，你的准确岁数不用担心。还是试着回想一些你遇到过的事情吧……想想你遇到过什么事情……你喜欢的事情……事情愈久愈好……这会帮助我们……”
“我遇到过许许多多事情，查理……我遇到过的事情太多了……”
“你能想起一些来吗，乔治娜姥姥？”
“噢，我不知道，我的小宝贝……如果我拼命地想，或许能想起一两件……”
“好，乔治娜姥姥，很好！”查理焦急地说，“现在说吧，在你的记忆中，最早发生的一件事情是什么？”
“噢，我的乖孩子，那得回到多少个年头以前去啊？”
“回到像我这样小的时候，乔治娜姥姥，你不记得你小时候做过什么事情了吗？”
陷在皱纹里的黑色小眼睛微微闪光，几乎看不见的小嘴的嘴角绽出一丝笑意。“一艘船，”她说，“我记得一艘船……我永远忘不了那艘船……”
“说下去吧，乔治娜姥姥！一艘船！一艘什么样的船？你坐过这艘船吗？”
“我当然坐过，我的小宝贝……我们都坐过……”
“从哪里开来，开到哪里去？”查理焦急地问。
“噢，不行，我说不上来……当时我还只是个小女孩……”她向后靠在枕头上闭上眼睛。
查理看着她，等着她说下去。大家也等着，没有一个人动一动。
“它有一个美丽的名字，我说的是那艘船……这船名叫人想起一样很美丽的东西……这东西太美丽了……不过当然，我已经记不起来……”
坐在床边的查理忽然跳起来，他神采飞扬地说：“如果我说出来，乔治娜姥姥，你会记起来吧？”
“我会的，查理……不错，我想我会的……”
“五月花！”查理叫道。
老太太的头离开枕头抬起来。“就是这个名字！”她呱呱地说，“你说对了，查理！‘五月花’号……多么美丽的名字啊……”
“爷爷！”查理叫着，高兴得跳起舞来，“‘五月花’号是哪一年开到美洲的？”
“‘五月花’号在一六二零年九月六日离开普利茅斯港。”约瑟夫爷爷说。
“普利茅斯……”老太太喊了出来，“它还打钟……对，它当然是普利茅斯……”
“一六二零年！”查理叫道，“噢，我的天！那就是说你……你算算吧，爷爷！”
“好！”约瑟夫爷爷说，“一九七二减去一六二零，剩下……别催我，查理……剩下三百……五十二。”
“蹦蹦跳跳的长耳朵大野兔！”巴克特先生大叫，“她三百五十二岁！”
“还不止，”查理说，“乔治娜姥姥，你坐‘五月花’号的时候，你说你几岁了？大概八岁吧？”
“我想比这小一点，我的小宝贝……我只是个一点儿大的小女孩……不会超过六岁……”
“她是三百五十八岁！”查理叫得连气都透不过来了。
“这是维他旺卡对你起的作用。”旺卡先生自豪地说，“我跟你们说过，这是威力最大的药丸。”
“三百五十八岁！”巴克特先生说，“怎么会呢？真叫人无法相信！”
“试想想她一生见过的事情吧！”约瑟夫爷爷说。
“我可怜的老妈妈！”巴克特太太哭叫道，“怎么……”
“忍耐一下，亲爱的太太。”旺卡先生说，“现在到了有趣的时候了。把旺卡维他拿来！”
一个奥帕—伦帕人拿着一个大瓶子，交给旺卡先生，旺卡先生把瓶子放在床上。“她想要几岁？”旺卡先生问道。
“七十八岁。”巴克特太太坚决地说，“回到所有这些乱七八糟的事情发生以前的岁数！”
“她一定希望稍微年轻一点吧？”旺卡先生说。
“当然不！”巴克特太太说，“太冒险了！”
“太冒险了，太冒险了！”乔治娜姥姥呱呱地叫，“如果你自作聪明，只会又使我的岁数变成负数！”
“那就照你自己说的办吧。”旺卡先生说，“好，我先要做点算术。”另一个奥帕—伦帕人跑上前，举起一块黑板。旺卡先生从衣袋里拿出一支粉笔写道：
“正好需要十四粒旺卡维他药丸。”旺卡先生说。那个奥帕—伦帕人把黑板拿走以后，旺卡先生从床上拿起药瓶，打开它，取出十四粒闪亮的黄色小药丸。“拿水来！”他说。另一个奥帕—伦帕人拿着一杯水跑上前来。旺卡先生把十四粒药丸全倒进玻璃杯，水冒起泡沫。“趁它咝咝地响快喝下去。”他说着把玻璃杯送到乔治娜姥姥嘴边，“一口气全喝下去！”
喝下去了。
旺卡先生向后一跳，从衣袋里掏出一个大铜表。“不要忘记，”他叫道，“一秒钟一岁！她要减去二百八十岁，那就需要四分四十秒！请看她是怎样倒回去两个多世纪的！”
房间里静得可以听到旺卡先生那个表在滴答滴答地响。最初，躺在床上的那位老古人没有多大反应。她闭着眼睛躺回到枕头上，脸上皱巴巴的皮肤不时抽搐，小手上下抽动，但仅仅是这样……
“一分钟过去了！”旺卡先生叫道，“她已经年轻了六十岁。”
“我看她还是老样子。”巴克特先生说。
“当然啦！”旺卡先生说，“从三百多岁开始倒回来，六十岁算得了什么呢？”
“你好吧，妈妈？”巴克特太太焦急地说，“跟我说话呀，妈妈！”
“两分钟过去了！”旺卡先生叫道，“她已经年轻了一百二十岁了！”
现在老太太的脸有了明显的变化。她全身的皮肤在颤动，一些最深的褶子开始变得没有那么深了，嘴角没有那么凹陷，鼻子也更清楚了。
“妈妈！”巴克特太太叫道，“你没事吧？对我说话呀，妈妈，求求你！”
突然，突然得使所有的人跳起来，老太太在床上坐直身体叫道：“你们听到这桩新闻了吗？纳尔逊统帅在特拉法尔加角打败了法国人！ [1] ”
“她疯了！”巴克特先生说。
“不，”旺卡先生说，“她将要度过整个十九世纪。”
“三分钟过去了！”旺卡先生说。
她现在一秒钟比一秒钟显得不那么皱缩，人变得愈来愈精神，看着真是个奇观。
“葛底斯堡！ [2] ”她叫道，“李将军在逃走！”
几秒钟后她号啕大哭，说：“他死了！他死了！”
“谁死了？”巴克特先生向前俯下身去问她。
“林肯！ [3] ”她哭叫道，“火车在开……”
“她一定看到了！”查理说，“她一定在那里！”
“她是在那里，”旺卡先生说，“至少几秒钟前她是在那里。”
“谁可以给我解释一下，”巴克特太太说，“这到底是怎么一回事？”
“四分钟过去了！”旺卡先生说，“现在只剩下四十秒了！只有四十多岁要减了！”
“乔治娜姥姥！”查理跑上前来叫道，“你看起来几乎和原先一模一样！噢，我太高兴啦！”
“但愿照预定时间停止。”巴克特太太说。
“我打赌不会，”巴克特先生说，“做事总会出错的。”
“有我负责就不会，巴克特先生。”旺卡先生说，“时候到了！她现在是七十八岁！你觉得怎么样，亲爱的老太太？一切都好吗？”
“还可以，”她说，“还算可以。但是我不会感谢你，你这瞎搞的老鲭鱼！”
她又来了，那个老样子的坏脾气的乔治娜姥姥。在这一切发生之前，查理对她太熟悉了。巴克特太太张开双臂抱住她，高兴得哭起来。老太太把她推开说：“我可以问一声吗，床头那个傻宝宝在干什么？”
“他们当中的一个是你的丈夫。”巴克特先生说。
“胡说八道！”她说，“乔治在哪里？”
“这是真的，妈妈。”巴克特太太说，“左边的一个就是他，另一个是约瑟芬……”
“你……你这个干酪汉堡包骗子！”她用手指狠狠地指着旺卡先生叫道，“为了什么……”
“好了，好了，好了，好了，好了！”旺卡先生说，“这么晚了，谢天谢地，请不要再争吵。如果大家保持冷静，把这件事交给查理和我处理，我们将会很快使他们恢复原状！”
[1]1850年10月21日英国海军统帅纳尔逊在西班牙的特拉法尔加角打败了法国海军。
[2]美国南北战争关键性的葛底斯堡战役发生在1863年7月1日至3日，南军指挥李将军大败。
[3]1865年4月14日夜美国总统林肯在戏院中被刺，翌日凌晨去世。
19 The Babies Grow Up
19 The Babies Grow Up
'Bring on the Vita-Wonk!' said Mr Wonka. 'We'll soon fix thesetwo babies.'
An Oompa-Loompa ran forward with a small bottle and acouple of silver teaspoons.
'Wait just one minute!' snapped Grandma Georgina. 'What sortof devilish dumpery are you up to now?'
'It's all right, Grandma,' said Charlie. 'I promise you it's allright. Vita-Wonk does the opposite to Wonka-Vite. It makesyou older. It's what we gave you when you were a Minus. Itsaved you!'
'You gave me too much!' snapped the old woman. 'We had to,Grandma.'
'And now you want to do the same to Grandpa George!' 'Ofcourse we don't,' said Charlie.
'I finished up three hundred and fifty-eight years old!' she wenton. 'What's to stop you making another little mistake andgiving him fifty times more than you gave me? Then I'dsuddenly have a twenty-thousand-year-old caveman in bedbeside me! Imagine that, and him with a big knobby club inone hand and dragging me around by my hair with the other!
No, thank you!'
'Grandma,' Charlie said patiently. 'With you we had to use aspray because you were a Minus. You were a ghost. But hereMr Wonka can …'
'Don't talk to me about that man!' she cried. 'He's batty as abullfrog!'
'No, Grandma, he is not. And here he can measure it outexactly right, drop by drop, and feed it into their mouths.
That's true, isn't it, Mr Wonka?'
'Charlie,' said Mr Wonka. 'I can see that the factory is going tobe in good hands when I retire. You learn very fast. I am sopleased I chose you, my dear boy, so very pleased. Now then,what's the verdict? Do we leave them as babies or do wegrow them up with Vita-Wonk?'
'You go ahead, Mr Wonka,' said Grandpa Joe. 'I'd like you togrow my Josie up so she's just the same as before — eightyyears old.'
'Thank you, sir,' said Mr Wonka. 'I appreciate the confidenceyou place in me. But what about the other one, GrandpaGeorge?'
'Oh, all right, then,' said Grandma Georgina. 'But if he ends upa caveman I don't want him in this bed any more!'
'That's settled then!' said Mr Wonka. 'Come along, Charlie!
We'll do them both together. You hold one spoon and I'll holdthe other. I shall measure out four drops and four drops onlyinto each spoon and we'll wake them up and pop it into theirmouths.'
'Which one shall I do, Mr Wonka?'
'You do Grandma Josephine, the tiny one. I'll do GrandpaGeorge, the one-year-old. Here's your spoon.'
Charlie took the spoon and held it out. Mr Wonka opened thebottle and dripped four drops of oily black liquid into Charlie'sspoon. Then he did the same to his own. He handed thebottle back to the Oompa-Loompa.
'Shouldn't someone hold the babies while you give it?' saidGrandpa Joe. 'I'll hold Grandma Josephine.'
'Are you mad!' said Mr Wonka. 'Don't you realize thatVita-Wonk acts instantly? It's not one year a second likeWonka-Vite. Vita-Wonk is as quick as lightning! The momentthe medicine is swallowed — ping! — and it all happens! Thegetting bigger and the growing older and everything else allhappens in one second! So don't you see, my dear sir,' hesaid to Grandpa Joe, 'that one moment you'd be holding atiny baby in your arms and just one second later you'd findyourself staggering about with an eighty-year-old woman andyou'd drop her like a ton of bricks on the floor!'
'I see what you mean,' said Grandpa Joe. 'All set, Charlie?'
'All set, Mr Wonka.' Charlie moved around the bed to wherethe tiny sleeping baby lay. He placed one hand behind herhead and lifted it. The baby awoke and started yelling. MrWonka was on the other side of the bed doing the same tothe one-year-old George. 'Both together now, Charlie!' said MrWonka. 'Ready, steady, go! Pop it in!' Charlie pushed his spooninto the open mouth of the baby and tipped the drops downher throat.
'Make sure she swallows it!' cried Mr Wonka. 'It won't workuntil it gets into their tummies!'
It is difficult to explain what happened next, and whatever itwas, it only lasted for one second. A second is about as longas it takes you to say aloud and quickly,
'one-two-three-four-five'. And that is how long it took, withCharlie watching closely, for the tiny baby to grow and swelland wrinkle into the eighty-year-old Grandma Josephine. It wasa frightening thing to see. It was like an explosion. A smallbaby suddenly exploded into an old woman, and Charlie all atonce found himself staring straight into the well-known andmuch-loved wrinkly old face of his Grandma Josephine. 'Hello,my darling,' she said. 'Where have you come from?'
'Josie!' cried Grandpa Joe, rushing forward. 'How marvellous!
You're back!' 'I didn't know I'd been away,' she said.
Grandpa George had also made a successful comeback. 'Youwere better-looking as a baby,' Grandma Georgina said to him.
'But I'm glad you've grown up again, George … for onereason.'
'What's that?' asked Grandpa George. 'You won't wet the bedany more.'
19　婴儿们长大了
19　婴儿们长大了
“把维他旺卡拿来！”旺卡先生说，“我们很快就能使这两个婴儿恢复原形。”
一个奥帕—伦帕人拿着一个小瓶子和两把银茶匙跑上前来。
“等一等！”乔治娜姥姥叫住他，“你现在又要干什么鬼把戏了？”
“没什么，乔治娜姥姥，”查理说，“我向你保证不会出事。维他旺卡的作用和旺卡维他的作用正好相反，它使人变老。你的岁数是负数时，我们给你喷的正是这种药。它救了你！”
“你们给我太多了！”那老太太生气地说。
“我们只能这样做，乔治娜姥姥。”
“现在你们又要同样对待乔治姥爷吗？”
“我们当然不会。”查理说。
“我变成了三百五十八岁！”乔治娜姥姥说下去，“有什么能使你们不犯另一个小错误，结果给他的比给我的还多五十倍呢？这一来床上就有两千岁的穴居人在我身边了！想象一下这种情景吧，他一只手握住一根有节的大棒，另一只手抓住我的头发把我拉来拉去！不，谢谢了！”
“乔治娜姥姥，”查理耐心地说，“对你我们只好用喷枪喷药水，因为你当时的岁数是负数，你是一个幽灵。但在这里，旺卡先生可以……”
“不要在我面前提这个家伙！”她叫道，“他坏得像一只牛蛙！”
“不对，乔治娜姥姥，旺卡先生一点也不坏。在这里他能够一滴一滴地量出准确剂量，把药水灌到他的嘴里去。是这样吗，旺卡先生？”
“查理，”旺卡先生说，“我已经看到，在我退休以后，工厂将由一个能干的人来经营。你学得非常快。我很高兴选中了你，我亲爱的孩子，我实在太高兴了。现在决定怎么办？就让他们去做婴儿呢，抑或用维他旺卡使他们长大起来？”
“你动手干吧，旺卡先生。”约瑟夫爷爷说，“我希望你把我的约瑟芬变得和原先一模一样——八十岁。”
“谢谢你，约瑟夫爷爷。”旺卡先生说，“谢谢你对我的信任，但另外一个怎么办？我指的是乔治姥爷。”
“噢，那么好吧。”乔治娜姥姥说，“但他如果变成穴居人，我就不要他再睡在这张床上！”
“就这样决定吧！”旺卡先生说，“来，查理！我们把他们两位一起处理。你拿一把羹匙，我拿一把羹匙。我在每一把羹匙里滴四滴，只滴四滴然后我们叫醒他们，把药水灌到他们的嘴里去。
“我灌谁呢，旺卡先生？”
“你灌约瑟芬奶奶，那个小的。我灌一岁的乔治姥爷。这把羹匙给你。”
查理接过羹匙，把它伸出来。旺卡先生打开瓶子，在查理的羹匙里滴了四滴黑色的油状液体，又在自己的羹匙里也滴了四滴。接着他把瓶子还给了奥帕—伦帕人。
“你灌药水的时候，要有个人抱住婴儿吧？”约瑟夫爷爷说，“让我来抱约瑟芬。”
“你疯了！”旺卡先生说，“你不知道维他旺卡马上就起作用吗？它不像旺卡维他那样一秒钟等于一岁。维他旺卡的功效快如闪电！药水一吞下去，砰的一下，全变好了，长大和变老一秒钟内全部完成！你明白吗，我亲爱的约瑟夫爷爷？”他对约瑟夫爷爷说，“现在你抱的是个小婴儿，但下一秒钟你却要跌跌撞撞站不住，手里抱的是位八十岁的老太太。你会把她像一堆砖头似的扔到地板上去！”
“我明白你的意思了。”约瑟夫爷爷说。
“都准备好了吗，查理？”
“准备好了，旺卡先生。”查理绕过床，走到睡着的小婴儿旁边。他用一只手抵住她的头，把它抬起来。婴儿醒了开始哇哇叫。旺卡先生在床的另一边，对一岁的乔治姥爷同样这么办。“现在开始了，查理！”旺卡先生说，“一、二、三！灌下去！”查理把他的羹匙放到婴儿的嘴里，把药水灌下了她的喉咙。
“看着让她把药水咽下去！”旺卡先生叫道，“药水要到了肚子里才会起作用！”
接下来发生的事很难讲清楚，不管怎么说，一共只有一秒钟。一秒钟的时间相当于你很快地大声说“一二三四五”的工夫。就在这么短的时间里，查理眼看着那小婴儿膨胀，长大，长出皱纹，变成了八十岁的约瑟芬奶奶。整个过程真是叫人吃惊，就像是一次爆炸。一个小婴儿忽然变成了老太太！转眼间，查理面对着的是约瑟芬奶奶那张他熟悉和热爱、满是皱纹的老人脸。“你好吗，我的小宝贝。”她说，“你是从哪里来的？”
“约瑟芬！”约瑟夫爷爷叫着扑过来，“多么好啊！你回来了！”
“我可不知道我离开过。”她说。
乔治姥爷也成功恢复了原状。“你是个婴儿更好看。”乔治娜姥姥对他说，“不过我还是高兴你变回大人，乔治……就为了一个原因。”
“什么原因？”乔治姥爷问道。
“你不会再尿床了。”
20 How to Get Someone out of Bed
20 How to Get Someone out of Bed
'I am sure,' said Mr Wonka, addressing Grandpa George,Grandma Georgina and Grandma
Josephine, 'I am quite sure the three of you, after all that, willnow want to jump out of bed
and lend a hand in running the Chocolate Factory.'
'Who, us?' said Grandma Josephine. 'Yes, you,' said MrWonka.
'Are you crazy?' said Grandma Georgina. 'I'm staying right herewhere I am in this nice comfortable bed, thank you verymuch!'
'Me, too!' said Grandpa George.
At that moment, there was a sudden commotion among theOompa-Loompas at the far end of the Chocolate Room. Therewas a buzz of excited chatter and a lot of running about andwaving of arms, and out of all this a single Oompa-Loompaemerged and came rushing toward Mr Wonka, carrying a hugeenvelope in his hands. He came up close to Mr Wonka. Hestarted whispering. Mr Wonka bent down low to listen.
'Outside the factory gates?' cried Mr Wonka. 'Men! … Whatsort of men? … Yes, but do they look dangerous? … Are theyACTING dangerously? … And a what? … A HELICOPTER! …And these men came out of it? … They gave you this? …'
Mr Wonka grabbed the huge envelope and quickly slit it openand pulled out the folded letter inside. There was absolutesilence as he skimmed swiftly over what was written on thepaper. Nobody moved. Charlie began to feel cold. He knewsomething dreadful was going to happen. There was a verydefinite smell of danger in the air. The men outside the gates,the helicopter, the nervousness of the Oompa-Loompas … Hewas watching Mr Wonka's face, searching for a clue, for somechange in expression that would tell him how bad the newswas.
'Great whistling whangdoodles!' cried Mr Wonka, leaping sohigh in the air that when he landed his legs gave way and hecrashed on to his backside.
'Snorting snozzwangers!' he yelled, picking himself up andwaving the letter about as though he were swatting mosquitoes.
'Listen to this, all of you! Just you listen to this!' He began toread aloud:
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
D.C.
TO MR WILLY WONKA.
SIR
TODAY THE ENTIRE NATION, INDEED THE WHOLE
WORLD, IS REJOICING AT THE SAFE RETURN OF OURTRANSPORT CAPSULE FROM SPACE WITH 136 SOULS ONBOARD. HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR THE HELP THEY
RECEIVED FROM AN UNKNOWN SPACESHIP, THESE 136PEOPLE WOULD NEVER HAVE COME BACK. IT HAS BEENREPORTED TO ME THAT THE COURAGE SHOWN BY THE
EIGHT ASTRONAUTS ABOARD THIS UNKNOWN SPACESHIPWAS EXTRAORDINARY. OUR RADAR STATIONS, BY
TRACKING THIS SPACESHIP ON ITS RETURN TO EARTH,HAVE DISCOVERED THAT IT SPLASHED DOWN IN A
PLACE KNOWN AS WONKA'S CHOCOLATE FACTORY.
THAT, SIR, IS WHY THIS LETTER IS BEING DELIVEREDTO YOU.
I WISH NOW TO SHOW THE GRATITUDE OF THE
NATION BY INVITING ALL EIGHT OF THOSE INCREDIBLYBRAVE ASTRONAUTS TO COME AND STAY IN THE WHITEHOUSE FOR A FEW DAYS AS MY HONOURED GUESTS.
I AM ARRANGING A SPECIAL CELEBRATION PARTY INTHE BLUE ROOM THIS EVENING AT WHICH I MYSELF
WILL PIN MEDALS FOR BRAVERY UPON ALL EIGHT OFTHESE GALLANT FLIERS. THE MOST IMPORTANT
PERSONS IN THE LAND WILL BE PRESENT AT THIS
GATHERING TO SALUTE THE HEROES WHOSE DAZZLINGDEEDS WILL BE WRITTEN FOR EVER IN THE HISTORYOF OUR NATION. AMONG THOSE ATTENDING WILL BE
THE VICE-PRESIDENT (MISS ELVIRA TIBBS), ALL THEMEMBERS OF MY CABINET, THE CHIEFS OF THE ARMY,THE NAVY AND THE AIR FORCE, ALL MEMBERS OF THECONGRESS. A FAMOUS SWORD-SWALLOWER FROM
AFGHANISTAN WHO IS NOW TEACHING ME TO EAT MY
WORDS (WHAT YOU DO IS YOU TAKE THE S OFF THE
BEGINNING OF THE SWORD AND PUT IT ON THE END
BEFORE YOU SWALLOW IT). AND WHO ELSE IS COMING?
OH YES, MY CHIEF INTERPRETER, AND THE GOVERNORSOF EVERY STATE IN THE union, AND OF COURSE MYCAT, MRS TAUBSYPUSS.
A HELICOPTER AWAITS ALL EIGHT OF YOU OUTSIDE
THE FACTORY GATES. I MYSELF AWAIT YOUR ARRIVALAT THE WHITE HOUSE WITH THE VERY GREATEST
PLEASURE AND IMPATIENCE.
I BEG TO REMAIN, SIR, MOST SINCERELY YOURS
LANCELOT R. GILLIGRASS
President of the United States
P.S. COULD YOU PLEASE BRING ME A FEW WONKA
FUDGEMALLOW DELIGHTS. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH BUTEVERYBODY AROUND HERE KEEPS STEALING MINE OUTOF THE DRAWER IN MY DESK. AND DON'T TELL
NANNY.
Mr Wonka stopped reading. And in the stillness that followedCharlie could hear people breathing. He could hear thembreathing in and out much faster than usual. And there wereother things, too. There were so many feelings and passionsand there was so much sudden happiness swirling around inthe air it made his head spin. Grandpa Joe was the first tosay something … 'Yippeeeeeeeeeee!' he yelled out, and he flewacross the room and caught Charlie by the hands and the twoof them started dancing away along the bank of the chocolateriver. 'We're going, Charlie!' sang Grandpa Joe. 'We're going tothe White House after all!' Mr and Mrs Bucket were alsodancing and laughing and singing, and Mr Wonka ran all overthe room proudly showing the President's letter to theOompa-Loompas. After a minute or so, Mr Wonka clapped hishands for attention. 'Come along, come along!' he called out.
'We mustn't dilly! We mustn't dally! Come on, Charlie! Andyou, sir, Grandpa Joe! And Mr and Mrs Bucket! Thehelicopter is outside the gates! We can't keep it waiting!' Hebegan hustling the four of them toward the door.
'Hey!' screamed Grandma Georgina from the bed. 'What aboutus? We were invited too, don't you forget that!'
'It said all eight of us were invited!' cried Grandma Josephine.
'And that includes me!' said Grandpa George.
Mr Wonka turned and looked at them. 'Of course it includesyou,' he said. 'But we can't possibly get that bed into ahelicopter. It won't go through the door.'
'You mean … you mean if we don't get out of bed we can'tcome?' said Grandma Georgina.
'That's exactly what I mean,' said Mr Wonka. 'Keep going,Charlie,' he whispered, giving Charlie a little nudge. 'Keepwalking toward the door.'
Suddenly, behind them, there was a great SWOOSH of blanketsand sheets and a pinging of bedsprings as the three old peopleall exploded out of the bed together. They came sprinting afterMr Wonka, shouting, 'Wait for us! Wait for us!' It was amazinghow fast they were running across the floor of the greatChocolate Room. Mr Wonka and Charlie and the others stoodstaring at them in wonder. They leaped across paths and overlittle bushes like gazelles in spring-time, with their bare legsflashing and their nightshirts flying out behind them.
Suddenly Grandma Josephine put the brakes on so hard sheskidded five yards before coming to a stop. 'Wait!' shescreamed. 'We must be mad! We can't go to a famous partyin the White House in our nightshirts! We can't stand therepractically naked in front of all those people while the Presidentpins medals all over us!'
'Oh-h-h-h!' wailed Grandma Georgina. 'Oh, what are we goingto do?' 'Don't you have any clothes with you at all?' asked MrWonka.
'Of course we don't!' said Grandma Josephine. 'We haven'tbeen out of that bed for twenty years!'
'We can't go!' wailed Grandma Georgina. 'We'll have to staybehind!' 'Couldn't we buy something from a store?' saidGrandpa George. 'What with?' said Grandma Josephine. 'Wedon't have any money!'
'Money!' cried Mr Wonka. 'Good gracious me, don't you goworrying about money! I've got plenty of that!'
'Listen,' said Charlie. 'Why couldn't we ask the helicopter toland on the roof of a big shop on the way over. Then youcan all pop downstairs and buy exactly what you want!'
'Charlie!' cried Mr Wonka, grasping him by the hand. 'Whatwould we do without you? You're brilliant! Come alongeverybody! We're off to stay in the White House!'
They all linked arms and went dancing out of the ChocolateRoom and along the corridors and out through the front doorinto the open where the big helicopter was waiting near thefactory gates. A group of extremely important-looking gentlemencame toward them and bowed.
'Well, Charlie,' said Grandpa Joe. 'It's certainly been a busyday.' 'It's not over yet,' Charlie said, laughing. 'It hasn't evenbegun.'
20　怎样使人下床
20　怎样使人下床
“我肯定，”旺卡先生对乔治姥爷、乔治娜姥姥和约瑟芬奶奶说，“我百分之一百地肯定，经过这件事以后，你们三位现在一定想下床来帮忙经营这家巧克力工厂了。”
“你说谁，我们吗？”约瑟芬奶奶说。
“是的，说你们。”旺卡先生说。
“你疯了吗？”乔治娜姥姥说，“我就是要留在我这张舒适漂亮的床上，谢谢你了！”
“我也一样！”乔治姥爷说。
就在这时候，巧克力车间尽头处的一大群奥帕—伦帕人忽然骚动起来。响起兴奋和叽叽喳喳的说话声。他们跑来跑去，挥舞着手臂。当中有一个奥帕—伦帕人双手捧着一个大信封，向旺卡先生飞奔过来。他跑到旺卡先生面前，开始叽叽喳喳地说话。旺卡先生把腰弯得低低的听他说。
“在工厂大门外面？”旺卡先生大声说，“有人！是些什么人？对！不过他们的样子看上去危险吗……他们的行动危险吗……还有一样什么……一架直升飞机！这些人从飞机上下来？
他们给了你这个？”
旺卡先生抓起那大信封，很快地撕开口，抽出里面一封折起来的信。他很快地看信时，大家保持沉默，一动不动。查理开始觉得冷，他知道要发生什么可怕的事情了。空气中无疑有一股危险的味道。大门外面的人、直升飞机、奥帕—伦帕人那副紧张的样子……他盯住旺卡先生的脸看，想在上面找到线索，找到表情的变化，从表情的变化就能知道，这消息到底糟糕到什么程度了。
“吹哨的牢骚鬼！”旺卡先生一声大叫，一跳蹦得半天高，落下来时腿站不住，跌了个脸朝天。
“喷鼻息的大好佬！”他叫着爬起来，把信挥来挥去，像在赶蚊子，“大家听听这封信！你们好好听着！”他开始大声读信：
华盛顿
白宫
威利•旺卡先生：
今天全国，实际上是全世界，一片欢腾，因为我们的太空运输船，上面载有一百三十六人，从太空安全归来了。如果不是得到一艘不知名的太空船的帮助，这一百三十六人将会永远回不来。我接到报告，这不知名的太空船上的八位宇航员所显示的勇敢是无与伦比的。我们的雷达站跟踪这艘返回地球的太空船，发现它降落在旺卡巧克力工厂这个地方。因此，旺卡先生，我们特地把这封信送交给你。
现在我希望表达全国对你的谢意，专诚邀请你们八位勇敢绝伦的宇航员作为我的贵宾，到白宫来小住几天。
我已经准备好今晚在蓝厅举行特别庆祝会，在会上我将亲自为八位勇敢的飞行员佩上奖章，以表彰你们的勇敢。国内有地位的名流均将出席这个庆祝会，并向这八位英雄致敬，他们的辉煌业绩将永远载入我国的史册。出席者包括副总统埃尔维拉•蒂布斯小姐、我的全体内阁成员、海陆空三军统帅、全体国会议员、阿富汗著名吞剑大师（他正在教我如何食言，办法是吞食剑的时候把sword的s从前面移到后面。 [1] ）。还有谁呢？哦，对了，我的总翻译官、全国各州州长，自然还有我的猫——陶布茜猫太太。
我已派遣一架直升飞机在你的工厂大门外恭候你们八位。我本人此刻正怀着无比的欢心和耐心在白宫敬候你们的光临。
你们永远的最忠诚的朋友
美国总统　兰斯洛特•R•吉利格拉斯
又及：你能带给我一些旺卡开心牛奶巧克力软糖吗？我最爱吃这种糖，但在我这里周围的人从我的写字台抽屉里把糖偷去吃了。不过这件事情千万不要告诉阿姨。
旺卡先生把信读完了。在随之而来的一片寂静中，查理可以听到人们的呼吸声。他更听出来，大家的呼吸声比平时急促得多，不仅如此，空气中还盘旋着那么多感情和激情，那么多突然降临的欢乐，弄得他的头都打起转来了。最先开口的是约瑟夫爷爷：“万万万万万万万万万万岁！”他欢呼起来，飞也似的跑过房间，抓住查理的双手两个人开始顺着巧克力河的堤岸跳舞。“我们终于可以去那里了，查理！”约瑟夫爷爷唱歌似的说，“我们终于可以去白宫了！”巴克特先生和太太也跳起舞来，哈哈大笑，高声歌唱。旺卡先生绕着房间跑，自豪地扬着手里的信给那些奥帕—伦帕人看。过了一分钟，旺卡先生拍了拍手请大家注意。“来吧！来吧！”他叫道，“我们绝对不能耽误时间！绝对不能！来吧，查理！还有你约瑟夫爷爷！还有巴克特先生和太太！直升飞机已经在大门外！我们不能让它等着！”旺卡先生开始把他们四个人向车间的门口赶。
“喂喂喂！”乔治娜姥姥从床上尖声急叫，“我们怎么样？不要忘记，我们也受到邀请！”
“信上说邀请我们全体八个人！”约瑟芬奶奶叫道。
“那也包括我！”乔治姥爷说。
旺卡先生回过头来看他们。“当然包括你们，”他说，“但是我们不可能把床也搬上直升飞机。它进不了直升飞机的门。”
“你的意思是说……你的意思是说，我们不下床就去不成吗？”乔治娜姥姥说。
“我正是这个意思，”旺卡先生说，“走吧，查理。”他轻轻地说，用手指关节顶了查理一下，“到门口去。”
忽然，他们后面传来了毯子和床单很响的簌簌声，还有床垫弹簧的砰砰声——三位老人家已经劈里啪啦下了床。他们一面跑着来追旺卡先生，一面哇哇大叫：“等等我们！等等我们！”真是不可思议，他们在巧克力工厂地板上竟然跑得那么快。旺卡先生、查理和其他人站在那里惊奇地看着他们。他们跑过小路，跳过矮树丛，就像春天的瞪羚，他们光着的腿在发亮，睡袍在身后飘拂。
约瑟芬奶奶忽然猛地刹住脚步，刹得太猛了，以致滑出了五码才停了下来。“等一等！”她急叫道，“我们一定疯了！我们可不能穿着睡袍上白宫去参加盛大的庆祝会！总统要给我们一个个佩上奖章，我们可不能没穿好衣服就当着大家的面站在那里啊！”
“噢噢噢噢！”乔治娜姥姥哇哇叫道，“噢，我们可怎么办呢？”
“你们一件衣服也没有带来吗？”旺卡先生问道。
“当然没有！”约瑟芬奶奶说，“我们已经有二十年没下过床了！”
“我们去不成啦！”乔治娜姥姥哇哇叫，“我们只好留下来了！”
“我们不能上百货公司去买衣服吗？”乔治姥爷说。
“拿什么买？”约瑟芬奶奶说，“我们一点钱也没有。”
“钱！”旺卡先生叫道，“我的天，钱的事你们一点不用担心！那玩意儿我多得是！”
“听我说，”查理说，“我们为什么不请直升飞机在路上任何一家大百货公司的屋顶上停一停呢？那么，你们就可以要什么买什么了！”
“查理！”旺卡先生抓住他的手叫道，“没有了你我们还能做什么呢？你真了不起！大家来吧！大家上白宫去做客吧！”
他们全都手挽着手，跳着舞走出巧克力车间，沿着走廊走出前门，来到广场。一架很大的直升飞机正靠近工厂的大门等着。一群表情非常庄严的先生走过来，向他们鞠躬致意。
“哎，查理，”约瑟夫爷爷说，“今天真是忙碌的日子。”
“这日子还没有完，”查理哈哈笑着说，“它甚至还没有开始呢。”
[1]英文sword是剑的意思。把S移到后面便成为words，即“言语”。