Acknowledgments What a glorious piece of synchronicity. My beautifulfriend Kerry Nowensky, who commanded, "Write it down! Now!" My guardian angel Dorothea Helms, who said, "It'stime to get yourself a great agent." My amazing agentSheree Bykofsky, who bombarded me with support andcommitment. The charismatic book publisher PeterWorkman, who brings all his sense to bear on a book andsurrounds himself with the finest talent to be found. Andjust when you thought you've seen and heard it all, alongcomes the astonishing Sally Kovalchick, who blows youaway with her ability to inhale a manuscript and exhale afinished book. I offer you all my heartfelt thanks. You are livingproof that other people are our greatest resource. Preface The "secret" of success is not very hard to figureout. The better you are at connecting with otherpeople, the better the quality of your life. I first discovered the secrets of getting along withpeople during my career as a fashion and advertisingphotographer. Whether it was working with a singlemodel for a page in Vogue or 400 people aboard a ship topromote a Norwegian cruise line, it was obvious that forme photography was more about clicking with peoplethan about clicking with a camera. What's more, it didn'tmatter if the shoot was taking place in the lobby of theRitz Hotel in San Francisco or a ramshackle hut on theside of a mountain in Africa: the principles for establishingrapport were universal. For as long as I can remember, I have found it easy toget along with people. Could it be a gift? Is there such athing as a natural talent for getting along with people, oris it something we learn along the way? And if it can belearned, can it be taught? I decided to find out. I knew from 25 years of shooting still photographsfor magazines all over the world that attitude and bodylanguage are paramount to creating a strong visualimpression—magazine ads have less than two seconds tocapture the reader's attention. I was also aware that therexiiiwas a way of using body language and voice tone to makeperfect strangers feel comfortable and cooperative. Mythird realization was that a few well-chosen words couldevoke expression, mood and action in almost any subject. With these insights under my belt, I decided to look a littledeeper. Why is it easier to get on with some people than withothers? Why can I have an interesting conversation witha person I've just met, while someone else might dismissthat same person as boring or threatening? Clearly,something must be happening on a level beyond ourconscious awareness, but what is it? It was at this point in my quest that I came across theearly work of Drs. Richard Bandler and John Grinder atUCLA in a subject with the unwieldy name of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, NLP for short. Many of thethings I had been doing intuitively as a photographer,these two men and their colleagues had documentedand analyzed as "the art and science of personal excellence."Among a fountain of new insights, they revealedthat everyone has a "favorite sense." Find this sense andyou have the key to unlock a person's heart and mind. As my new path became clearer, I set aside my camerasand resolved to focus on how people work on theinside as well as how they look on the outside. Over thenext few years, I studied with Dr. Bandler in London andNew York and earned a license as a Master Practitionerxivof NLP. I studied Irresistible Language Patterns in theUnited States, Canada and England, and delved intoeverything to do with the brain's part in human connectivity. I worked with actors, comedians and drama teachersin America and storytellers in Africa to adaptimprovisational drills into exercises that enhance conversationalskills. Since then I have gone on to give seminars and talksall over the world, working with all kinds of groups andindividuals from sales teams to teachers, from leadersof organizations who thought they knew it all to childrenso shy that people thought they were dim-witted. Andone thing became very clear: making people like you in90 seconds or less is a skill that can be taught to anyonein a natural, easy way. Over and over I have been told, "Nick, this is amazing. Why don't you write it down?" Well, I listened, and Ihave. And here it is. —N.B. Part 1 People power like you, the welcome mat is out and a connection isyours for the making. Other people are your greatestresource. They give birth to you; they feed you, dressyou, provide you with money, make you laugh and cry;they comfort you, heal you, invest your money, serviceyour car and bury you. We can't live without them. Wecan't even die without them. Connecting is what our ancestors were doing thou-sands of years ago when they gathered around the fireto eat woolly mammoth steaks or stitch together the latestanimal-hide fashions. It's what we do when we holdquilting bees, golf tournaments, conferences and yardsales; it underlies our cultural rituals from the serious tothe frivolous, from weddings and funerals to Barbie Dollconventions and spaghetti-eating contests. 3Even the most antisocial of artists and poets whospend long, cranky months painting in a studio or composingin a cubicle off their bedroom are usually hopingthat through their creations they will eventually connectwith the public. And connection lies at the very heart ofthose three pillars of our democratic civilization: government,religion and television. Yes, television. Giventhat you can discuss Friends or The X-Files with folksfrom Berlin to Brisbane, a case must be made for thetube's ability to help people connect all over the globe. Thousands of people impact all aspects of our lives, beit the weatherman at the TV studio in a neighboring city, orthe technician at a phone company across the continent,or the woman in Tobago who picks the mangoes for yourfruit salad. Every day, wittingly or unwittingly, we make amyriad of connections with people around the world. Chapter 1 The Benefits of Connecting Our personal growth and evolution (and the evolutionof societies) come about as a result of connectingwith our fellow humans, whether as a band of youngwarriors setting out on a hunt or as a group of coworkersheading out to the local pizzeria after work onFriday. As a species, we are instinctively driven to cometogether and form groups of friends, associations andcommunities. Without them, we cannot exist. 4Making connections is what our gray matter does best. It receives information from our senses and processes itby making associations. The brain delights in and learnsfrom these associations. It grows and flourishes whenit's making connections. People do the same thing. It's a scientific fact thatpeople who connect live longer. In their gem of a book,Keep Your Brain Alive, Lawrence Katz and Manning Rubinquote studies by the McArthur Foundation and the InternationalLongevity Center in New York and at the Universityof Southern California. These studies show thatpeople who stay socially and physically active havelonger life spans. This doesn't mean hanging out with thesame old crowd and peddling around on an exercisebike. It means getting out and making new friends. When you make new connections in the outsideworld, you make new connections in the inside world—in your brain. This keeps you young and alert. EdwardM. Hallowell, in his very savvy book Connect, cites the1979 Alameda County Study by Dr. Lisa Berkman of theHarvard School of Health Sciences. Dr. Berkman and herteam carefully looked at 7,000 people, aged 35 to 65,over a period of nine years. Their study concluded thatpeople who lack social and community ties are almostthree times more likely to die of medical illness thanthose who have more extensive contacts. And all this isindependent of socioeconomic status and health practicessuch as smoking, alcoholic beverage consumption,obesity or physical activity! Other people can also help you take care of your needsand desires. Whatever it is you'd like in this life—romance, a dream job, a ticket to the Rose Bowl—thechances are pretty high that you'll need someone's helpto get it. If people like you, they will be disposed to giveyou their time and their efforts. And the better the qualityof rapport you have with them, the higher the levelof their cooperation. Connect and Feel SafeConnecting is good for the community. After all, a communityis the culmination of a lot of connections: commonbeliefs, achievements, values, interests andgeography. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither wasDetroit. Three thousand years ago, in what today we callRome, Indo-Europeans connected to hunt, survive andgenerally look out for one another. Three hundred yearsago, a French trader turned up to create a safe haven forhis fur business; he started making connections andpretty soon Detroit was born. We have a basic, physical need for other people;there are shared, mutual benefits in a community, so we6look out for each other. A connected community providesits members with strength and safety. When wefeel strong and safe, we can put our energy into evolvingsocially, culturally and spiritually. Connect and Feel LoveFinally, we benefit from each other emotionally. We arenot closed, self-regulating systems, but open loops regulated,disciplined, encouraged, reprimanded, supportedand validated by the emotional feedback we receivefrom others. From time to time, we meet someone whoinfluences our emotions and vital body rhythms in sucha pleasurable way that we call it love. Be it through bodylanguage, gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice orwords alone, other people make our hard times morebearable, our good times much sweeter. We use the emotional input of other humans asmuch as we do the air we breathe and the food we eat. Deprive us of emotional and physical contact (a hugand a smile can go a long way), and we will wither anddie just as surely as if we were deprived of food. That'swhy we hear stories of children in orphanages whogrow sickly and weak despite being adequately fed andclothed. People with autism may desire emotional andphysical contact but can languish because they are hinderedby their lack of social skills. And how often haveyou heard about one spouse in a 50-year marriage who, Chapter 2 Face to face The Internet has been touted as the ultimate tool forbringing people together into shared communities ofinterest. And it's true: if you're searching for otherteddy bear collectors in Toledo or mud wrestlers in Minsk,you'll find them on the Web. For people who are houseboundbecause of disabilities or illness, the Web can alsobe a godsend. Still, we have to remember that spending hours in frontof a screen, typing into cyberspace, is a poor substitute forthe full spectrum of experience offered by face-to-face timewith another person. You might well meet someone in a chatroom who interests you romantically, but would you agreeto marry before meeting a few times in person? You need to be in a person's presence for a while in orderto pick up all the verbal and nonverbal cues. The atmospherecreated by physical and mental presence is as important assurface attraction, if not more so. For example, what sort ofenvironment do the two of you create? How spontaneous areyou? How strong is your need for conversation? What aboutyour openness, supportiveness and companionship? If you don't meet each other's emotional needs, you maybe heading for failure. These things can only be determinedby face-to-face contact. Only then can you tell if you'rereally "connecting."despite being medically healthy, dies a few shortmonths or even weeks after the death of the otherspouse? Food and shelter aren't enough. We need eachother, and we need love. Chapter 3 Why Likability Works If people like you, they feel natural and comfortablearound you. They will give you their attention andhappily open up for you. Likability has something to do with how you look buta lot more to do with how you make people feel. My oldnanny, who brought me up to be passionate about people,used to talk about having "a sunny disposition."She'd take me out on the promenade, and we'd spot thepeople who had sunny dispositions and all those whowere "sourpusses." She told me we can choose what wewant to be, and then we'd laugh at the sourpussesbecause they looked so serious. Likable people give loud and clear signals of theirwillingness to be sociable; they reveal that their publiccommunication channels are open. Embedded in thesesignals is evidence of self-confidence, sincerity andtrust. Likable people expose a warm, easygoing publicface with an outgoing radiance that states, "I am readyto connect. I am open for business." They are welcomingand friendly, and they get other people's attention. Chapter 4 Why 90 seconds? 　　9"Time is precious." "Time costs money." "Don'tI waste my time." Time has become an increasinglysought-after commodity. We budget our time, make itstand still, slow it down or speed it up, lose sense of itand distort it; we even buy timesaving devices. Yet timeis one of the few things we can't save—it is foreverunfolding. In bygone days, we were inherently more respectfulof one another and devoted more time to theniceties of getting to know someone and explore commonground. In the hustle and bustle of life today, werush about with so many deadlines attached to everythingthat unfortunately we don't have the time, ortake the time, to invest in getting to know each otherwell. We look for associations, make appraisals andassumptions, and form decisions all within a few secondsand frequently before a word is even spoken. Friend or foe? Fight or flight? Opportunity or threat? Familiar or foreign? Instinctively, we assess, undress and best-guess eachother. And if we can't present ourselves fast and favorably,we run the risk of being politely, or impolitely,passed over. The second reason for establishing likability in 90seconds or less has to do with the human attention10span. Believe it or not, the attention span of the averageperson is about 30 seconds! Focusing attention has beencompared to controlling a troop of wild monkeys. Attentioncraves novelty—it needs to be entertained andloves to leap from branch to branch, making new connections. If there's nothing fresh and exciting for it tofocus on, it becomes distracted and wanders off insearch of something more compelling—deadlines, footballor world peace. Read this sentence, then look away from the bookand fix your attention on anything that isn'tmoving (a great piece of art doesn't count). Keepyour eyes on the object for 30 seconds. You'llprobably feel your eyes glazing over after just10 seconds, if not before. In face-to-face communication, it's not enough tocommand the other person's attention. You must alsobe able to hold on to it long enough to deliver your messageor intention. You will capture attention with yourlikability, but you will hold on to it with the quality ofrapport you establish. More and more it comes down tothree things: 1) your presence, i.e., what you look likeand how you move; 2) your attitude, i.e., what you say,how you say it and how interesting you are; and 3) howyou make people feel. 11When you learn how to make fast, meaningful connectionswith people, you will improve your relationshipsat work and even at home. You will discover theenjoyment of being able to approach anyone with confidenceand sincerity. But a word of caution: we're notabout to change your personality; this is not a new wayof being, not a new way of life. You are not getting amagic wand to rush out into the street with and have theworld inviting you to dinner—these are connecting skillsto be used only when you need them. Establishing rapport in 90 seconds or less withanother person or group, be it in a social or communitysetting or with a business audience or even in a packedcourtroom, can be intimidating for many people. It hasalways amazed me that in this most fundamental of alllife skills, we've been given little or no training. You areabout to discover that you already possess many of theabilities needed for making natural connections withother people—it's just that you were never aware ofthem before. Part 2 first impressions For the purposes of this book, there are three parts to connecting wwith other people: meeting, establishing rapport and communicating. These three parts happen quickly and tend to overlap and blend into each other. Our goal is to make them as natural, fluid and easy as possible, andabove all to make them enjoyable and rewarding. Obviously, you begin the connecting process bymeeting people. Sometimes you meet someone bychance—the woman on the train who turns out to shareyour passion for Bogart movies. And sometimes it's bychoice—the man your cousin introduced you to becausehe loves Shakespeare, fine wines and bungee jumping,just like you. If meeting is the physical coming together of twoor more people, then communicating is what we dofrom the moment we are fully aware of another's pres-ence. And between these two events—meeting andcommunicating—lies the 90-second land of rapport thatlinks them together. Chapter 1 The meeting 　　13The GreetingWe call the first few seconds of contact the "greeting."Greetings are broken into five parts: Open—Eye—Beam—Hi!—Lean. These five actions constitute a welcomingprogram to carry out in a first encounter. Open. The first part of the greeting is to open yourattitude and your body. For this to work successfully,you must have already decided on a positive attitudethat's right for you. This is the time to really feel andbe aware of it. Check to see that your body language is open. If youhave the right attitude, this should take care of itself. Keep your heart aimed directly at the person you'remeeting. Don't cover your heart with your hands orarms and, when possible, unbutton your jacket or coat. Eye. The second part of the greeting involves youreyes. Be first with eye contact. Look this new persondirectly in the eye. Let your eyes reflect your positiveattitude. To state the obvious: eye contact is real contact! 14Get used to really looking at other people's eyes. When you're watching TV one evening, note theeye color of as many people as possible and saythe name of the color to yourself. The next day,do the same with every person you meet, lookinghim or her straight in the eye. Beam. This part is closely related to eye contact. Beam! Be the first to smile. Let your smile reflect yourattitude. Now you've gained the other person's attentionthrough your open body language, your eye contact andyour beaming smile. What that person is picking up subconsciouslyis an impression not of some grinning,gawking fool (though you may briefly fear you look likeone!) but of someone who is completely sincere. Hi! Whether it's "Hi!" or "Hello!" or even "Yo!" say itwith pleasing tonality and attach your own name to it("Hi! I'm Naomi"). As with the smile and the eye contact,be the first to identify yourself. It is at this point, andwithin only a few seconds, that you are in a position togather tons of free information about the person you'remeeting—information you can put to good use later inyour conversation. Take the lead. Extend your hand to the other person,and if it's convenient find a way to say his or her name15two or three times to help fix it in memory. Not "Glenda,Glenda, Glenda, nice to meet you" but "Glenda. Great tomeet you, Glenda!" As you'll see in Chapter 7, this will befollowed by your "occasion/location statement."Lean. The final part of introducing yourself is the"lean." This action can be an almost imperceptible forwardtilt to very subtly indicate your interest and opennessas you begin to "synchronize" the person you'vejust met. Handshakes run the gamut from the strong, sturdy bone-crusher to the wet noodle. Both are memorable—onceshaken, twice shy, in some cases. Certain expectations accompany a handshake. Itshould be firm and respectful, as it you were ringing ahand bell for room service. Deviate from these expectationsand the other person will scramble to make senseof what's happening. There is a feeling that something iswrong—like hot water coming out of the cold tap. Thebrain hates confusion, and when faced with it the firstinstinct is to withdraw. The "hands-free" handshake is a handshake withoutthe hand, and it is a powerful tool. Just do everythingyou would do during a normal handshake but withoutusing your hand. Point your heart at the other personand say hello. Light up your eyes and smile, and give off Chapter 2 Firing Energy This is one of the most powerful exercises we do in myseminars, but even without supervision you can turn itinto a force to be reckoned with! You'll need a partner to work with. Stand about eightfeet apart, facing each other like two gunfighters in acowboy movie. As you say "Hi!" clap your hands togetherand slide your right hand off and past the other in thedirection of your partner. Gather up all the energy youcan throughout your body and store it in your heart, thenclap the energy on through your right hand (the one youuse in a handshake) straight into the other person'sheart. This is a long explanation for something that takesno more than two seconds, but when all six channels—body, heart, eyes, smile, clap and voice/breath—are firedat the person in a rapid flash there is a vast transferof energy. Immediately after receiving the energy, your partnershould fire it back at you in the same way. Taking turns,continue fast and focused, firing at each other. Be sure tomake contact with all six channels at once. Practice on eachother for two minutes. Now the real fun begins. You're going to start firingdifferent qualities of energy: logic/head energy, com- -> 17munication/throat energy, love/heart energy, power/solarplexus energy and sexual energy. You've already firedlove/heart energy. Now do the same head to head instead ofheart to heart. Keep firing head/logic energy at each otheruntil you both agree that you can feel and differentiate itfrom love/heart energy. After two or three minutes back andforth, try the other regions: throat to throat, solar plexus tosolar plexus, etc. It gets even better. Figure out which kind of energy youwant to send, but don't say what it is. Now greet your partner,shake hands, say "Hi" and fire! Your partner must identifythe kind of energy he or she is receiving. Take turns. Practice and practice until your body language becomes subtleand almost imperceptible. Next, go out and try it on the people you meet. Fireenergy when you say "Hi" to someone in a supermarket,to your waiter in the cafe, to your sister-in-law or theguy who fixes the photocopier in your office. They willnotice something special about you—some might call it"star quality."that same special energy that usually accompanies thefull-blown shake. Incidentally, the "hands-free" handshake works wondersin presentations when you want to establish rapportwith a group or audience. Chapter 3 Establishing Rapport Rapport is the establishment of common ground, of acomfort zone where two or more people can mentallyjoin together. When you have rapport, each of youbrings something to the interaction—attentiveness,warmth, a sense of humor, for example—and eachbrings something back: empathy, sympathy, maybe acouple of great jokes. Rapport is the lubricant thatallows social exchanges to flow smoothly. The prize, when you achieve rapport, is the otherperson's positive acceptance. This response won't be inso many words, but it will signal something like this: "I know I just met you, but I like you so I will trust youwith my attention." Sometimes rapport just happens allby itself, as if by chance; sometimes you have to give it ahand. Get it right, and the communicating can begin. Getit wrong, and you'll have to bargain for attention. As you meet and greet new people, your ability toestablish rapport will depend on four things: your attitude,your ability to "synchronize" certain aspects ofbehavior like body language and voice tone, your conversationskills and your ability to discover which sense(visual, auditory or kinesthetic) the other person relieson most. Once you become adept in these four areas,you will be able to quickly connect and establish rapportwith anyone you choose and at any time. 19Read on, and you'll discover that it's possible tospeed up the process of feeling comfortable with astranger by quantum-leaping the usual familiarizationrituals and going straight into the routines that peoplewho like each other do naturally. In virtually no time atall, you will be getting along as if you've known eachother for ages. Many of my students report that whenachieving rapport becomes second nature, they findpeople asking, "Are you sure we haven't met before?"I know the feeling; it happens to me all the time. Andit's not just people asking me the question. 1 am convincedthat half the people I meet, I've met before—that's the way it goes when you move easily into anotherperson's map of the world. It's a wonderful feeling. Chapter 4 Communicating Everyone seems to have a different sense of the word"communication," but the definitions usually gosomething like this: "It's an exchange of informationbetween two or more people" . . . "It's getting your messageacross" ... "It's being understood."In the early days of Neuro-Linguistic Programming(NLP), a research project devoted to "the study of excellenceand a model of how individuals structure their subjectivesensory experience," Richard Bandler and JohnGrinder created an effective definition: "The meaning of20communication lies in the response it gets." This is simple,and brilliant, because it means that it's 100% up toyou whether or not your own communication succeeds. After all, you axe the one with a message to deliver or agoal to achieve, and you are the one with the responsibilityto make it happen. What's more, if it doesn't work, youare the one with the flexibility to change what you do untilyou finally get what you want. In order to give some formand function to communication here, let's assume that wehave some kind of response or outcome in mind. Peoplewho are low on communication skills usually have notthought out the response they want from the other personin the first place and therefore cannot aim for it. The skills you will learn here will serve you on all levelsof communication from social dealings like developingnew relationships and being understood in your dailyinteractions all the way to life-changing moves for yourselfand those in your sphere of influence. The formula for effective communication has threedistinct parts: Know what you want. Formulate your intention in theaffirmative and preferably in the present tense. Forexample, "I want a successful relationship, I have filledmy imagination with what that relationship will look,sound, feel, smell and taste like with me in it, and I knowwhen I will have it" is an affirmative statement, asopposed to "I don't want to be lonely."21Find out what you're getting. Get feedback. You findthat hanging out in smoky bars is not for you. Change what you do until you get what you want. Design a plan and follow through with it: "I'll invite 10people over for dinner every Saturday night." Do it andget more feedback. Redesign if necessary, and do it againwith more feedback. Repeat the cycle—redesign-do-getfeedback—until you get what you want. You can applythis cycle to any area of your life that you want toimprove—finance, romance, sports, career, you name it. Know what you want. Find out what you're getting. Change what you do until you get what you want. This is terrifically easy to remember because acertain Colonel had the good sense to open achain of restaurants using the abbreviation KFCfor a name. Every time we see one of his signs,we can ask ourselves how well the developmentof our communication skills is going. What's Coming Up ... IIn the following chapters, we'll examine the arena ofrapport in much more detail, as well as the value of aReally Useful Attitude in projecting a positive image of22yourself. You'll learn what happens at first sight on thesurface and below the surface and the importance ofhaving your body language, your voice tone and yourwords be congruent, or all saying the same thing. Nocrossed signals, no mixed messages, no confusion. You'll discover how your body language appeals tosome but not others and how, by making a few adjustmentsto your own movements, you can positively affectthe way people feel about you. Then we'll delve deep into the warm and welcomingworld of synchrony. You'll learn how to align yourselfwith the signals other people send you so that they'llfeel a natural familiarity and comfort around you. We'llalso discuss the massive importance of voice tone andhow it influences the moods and emotions we want toconvey. A whole chapter is devoted to starting and maintainingsparkling conversation. We'll explore all the ways toopen people up and avoid closing them down. We'll alsodeal with compliments, obtaining free information andbeing memorable. Finally we'll go even deeper, down to the very coreof the human psyche. The astonishing truth is thatalthough we navigate the world through our five senses,each of us has one sense that we rely on more than theother four. I'll show you how people are giving cluesabout their favorite sense all the time and how you can23move onto the same sensory wavelength as theirs. Dopeople who rely mainly on their ears differ from thosewho rely mainly on their eyes? Darn right they do, andyou'll find out how to tailor your approach to communicatewith them. Each chapter includes at least one exercise that willhelp you realize the power of connecting. Some of theseexercises can be done alone, but others you have to dowith a partner. Let's face it, face-to-face communicationand rapport skills are interactive activities—you can'tlearn to do them all by yourself. So there it is. Connecting. All day long, men, womenand children give away vital keys to what makes themtick—to how they experience and filter the world—through their body language, their tone of voice, their eyemovements and their choice of words. They simply cannothelp doing this. Now it's up to you to learn how to usethis wonderful, nonstop flood of information to achieveimproved outcomes and more satisfying relationships. Part 3 There's something about this person i really like! Whether you're trying to make a sale, get a date or wangle out of a traffic ticket, you need to establish rapport. Sometimes rapport just happens naturally and you've no clue why, The job gets done, the conversation flows, the cop tears up theticket. But how often have you found yourself in asituation where, no matter how hard you try, youjust can't seem to connect with another person—and it makes no sense? After all, you know you're afine, decent human being. Maybe you're even a fabu-lous, wildly attractive human being. But no matterwhat you say or do, you don't establish rapport andyou can't connect. You're not alone. Being a decent sort is not enoughto guarantee good rapport with another person. In thedictionary, "rapport" is defined as "harmonious or27sympathetic communication." In our interpersonalcommunications, we go through certain routines whenwe first meet a new person. If these routines work outand rapport is established, we can begin to deliver ourcommunication with some certainty that it will beaccepted and given serious consideration. Seriousconsideration is vital because the fundamental outcomeof rapport is the perception of credibility, whichin turn will lead to mutual trust. If credibility is notestablished, the messenger and not the message maybecome the focus of attention, and that attention willharbor discomfort. But when we experience the world through the sameeyes, ears and feelings as others, we are so bonded, orsynchronized, with them that they can't help but knowwe understand them. This means being so much likethem that they trust us and feel comfortable with us—that they say to themselves subconsciously, "I don'tknow what it is about this person, but there's somethingI really like."Research has shown that we have approximately90 seconds to make a favorable impression when wefirst meet someone. What happens in those 90 secondscan determine whether we succeed or fail at achievingrapport. In fact, frequently we have even less than 90seconds! Chapter 1 Natural Rapport 　　Attraction is present everywhere in the universe. Whether you want to call it magnetism, polarity,electricity, thought, intelligence or charisma, it's stillattraction, and it invests everything—animal, vegetableor mineral. We form synchronized partnerships naturally,and although they are hardly noticeable to some,they are quite tangible to others. We have always relied on emotional contact and signalsfrom our parents, peers, teachers and friends toguide us through our lives. We are influenced by theiremotional feedback, their gestures and their way ofdoing things. When your mother or father sat a certainway, you would do the same; if a cool friend or a moviestar walks a certain way, you might adopt a similar gait. We learn by aligning ourselves with the signals otherpeople send us. They impress their way of being on us. We synchronize what we like about them. People with common interests have natural rapport. The reason you get along so well with your close friendsis that you have similar interests, similar opinions andmaybe even similar ways of doing things. Sure, you willoften find plenty to differ on and argue about, but essentiallyyou are very much like each other. We human beings are social animals. We live in com29munities. It's far more "normal" and even logical for peopleto get along with one another than it is for them toargue, fight and not get along. The irony is that societyhas conditioned us to be afraid of each other—to set upboundaries between ourselves and others. We live in asociety that pretends to find its unity through love butin actuality finds it through fear. The media scare us halfto death with headlines and advertisements continuallytelling us of earthquakes and airplane crashes and askingus if we have enough insurance, are we too fat, toothin, does the smoke detector work and what aboutthose high funeral expenses? Natural rapport is a primerequirement for our sanity, our evolution and, indeed,our survival. Chapter 2 Rapport by Chance Perhaps you have traveled abroad to a country wherepeople don't speak your language and you don'tunderstand theirs. You feel a little uncomfortable—evensuspicious—when you can't be understood. Then suddenlyyou meet someone from your own country, maybeyour own state. This person speaks your language, andwhammo, you have a new best friend—for your vacationat least. You might share experiences, opinions, insights,where to find the best restaurants and bargains. You willdoubtless exchange personal information about family30and work. All this and much more because you share alanguage. That's rapport by chance. Maybe your enthusiasmwill lead you to continue that friendship afterreturning home, only to discover that apart from languageand location the two of you have nothing in commonand the relationship fizzles out all by itself. This isn't limited to language and geography. Chanceencounters happen on almost a daily basis to all of us—at work, in the supermarket, at the Laundromat or thebus stop. The key to establishing rapport with strangers isto learn how to become like them. Fortunately,this is both very simple and a lot of fun to do. Itallows you to look on each new encounter as apuzzle, a game, a joy. Rapport by DesignWWhen the interests or the behavior of two or morepeople are synchronized, these people are saidto be in rapport. As we already know, rapport can happenin response to a shared interest or when you findyourself in certain situations or circumstances. Butwhen none of these conditions is present, there is away to establish rapport "by design"—and that's whatthis book is about. Chapter 3 Common Ground 　　31MMark is attending a formal dinner, eight to a table. He hates coming to these events and as usualis stuck for words. He's beginning to get thatsquirmy feeling. He doesn't know anyone except for hisaccountant, who's sitting at the other end of the banquethall and making everyone laugh. Suddenly the guest acrossfrom him, a young woman in a shiny blue dress who caughthis eye a few moments ago even though they hadn't spoken,tells the man on her left that she is an avid stamp collector. Gust like Mark! Mark is relieved and overjoyed because chance has givenhim an excuse to talk to her. They have something in common—stamps. Mark speaks up and tells Tanya all about hisrare 1948 Poached Egg stamp and how he found it when hisPontiac broke down in Cortlandville in upper New YorkState. With both elbows on the edge of the table and a -. When we set out to establish rapport by design, wepurposely reduce the distance and differences betweenanother person and ourselves by finding commonground. When this happens, we feel a natural connectionwith the person, or persons, because we are akin—we have become like each other. As rapport develops between Mark and Tanya in the32finger poised gently on her cheek, close to her ear, Tanyaleans toward Mark; her pupils dilate slightly as her shouldersbecome softer and more relaxed. Mark too leans forwardon his elbows, smiling as Tanya smiles, nodding asshe nods. She sips her water; he finds himself doing thesame ... Mark and Tanya have established rapport. They connectedand initiated a relationship through a commoninterest. Their rapport is evident on many levels—thecues and rhythms they are taking from and sending toeach other, the imperceptible modifications of behaviorthey are making without thinking. The shared interesthas given them proximity, and they are adjusting to oneanother. Who knows where it will lead? They like eachother because they are like each other, and the danceof rapport has begun to calibrate itself. They havemade a favorable connection in 90 seconds or less. story box above, there is a lot more going on than meetsthe eye. The average person would perhaps not notice,but to the trained eye and ear there is plenty happening. As their shared interest in stamps emerges, so does asimilarity in their behavior toward each other. Bodylanguage, facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact,breathing patterns, body rhythms and many more33physiological activities come into alignment. Simply put,they unconsciously start to behave in a like manner. They start synchronizing their actions. Rapport by design is established by deliberatelyaltering your behavior, just for a short time, in order tobecome like the other person. You become an adapter,just long enough to establish a connection. Preciselywhat you can adapt and how to do it is what you areabout to learn in the chapters that follow. All you will need at your disposal is your attitude,your appearance, your body, your facial expressions,your eyes, the tone and rhythms of your voice, your talentfor structuring words into engaging conversationand your about-to-be-revealed gift for discoveringanother person's favorite sense. Add to this an ability tolisten to and observe other people and a very large helpingof curiosity. No gadgets, no appliances, no aphrodisiacs,no pills, no checkbook, no big stick. Just thewonderful gifts you were born with—and your heartwarmingdesire for the company of other people. Part 4 attitude is everything Your mind and your body are part of the same system. They influence each other. When you're happy, you look happy, you sound happy and you use happy words. Tyr to be miserable while you jump in the air and clap your hands, or try to be happy as youslouch in a chair and let your head droop. Your atti-tude controls your mind, and your mind delivers thebody language. Attitudes set the quality and mood of your thoughts,your voice tone, your spoken words. Most importantly,they govern your facial and body language. Attitudesare like trays on which we serve ourselves up to otherpeople. Once your mind is set into a particular attitude,you have very little ongoing conscious control over thesignals your body sends out. Your body has a mind ofits own, and it will play out the patterns of behaviorassociated with whatever attitude you find yourselfexperiencing. Chapter 1 A Really Useful Attitude No matter what you do or where you live, the qualityof your attitude determines the quality of yourrelationships—not to mention just about everythingelse in your life. I have been using the same bank branch for the lasteight years. From time to time, someone I've neverheard of before sends me a letter (spelling my namewrong) to tell me what a pleasure it is to have me as aspecial customer. No matter how hard they try toimprove their "personalized" service, however, banksare pretty much the same all over, and my bank is reallyno different from the rest. So why do I still bank thereeven though two new, competing banks have recentlyopened much closer to where I live? Convenience? Obviously not. Better rates? Nope. More services? No. It's none of these things. It's Joanne, one of the tellers. What does Joanne offer that the institution can't? Shemakes me feel good. I believe she cares about me, andother customers feel the same way about her. You cantell by the way they talk with her. This charming ladybrightens up the whole place. How does Joanne do it? Simple. She knows what shewants: to please the customers and do her job well. Shehas a Really Useful Attitude or, to be more precise, twofully congruent Really Useful Attitudes. She is both36cheery and interested, and everybody benefits: me thecustomer, her colleagues, her company, no doubt herfamily and, above all, herself. What Joanne sends outwith her Really Useful Attitude comes back to her athousandfold and becomes a joyous, self-fulfilling reality. And it doesn't cost a cent. Chapter 2 A Really Useless Attitude Any two people can have wildly different attitudestoward the same set of experiences. However, whentwo people react to the same experience with the sameattitude, they share a powerful natural bond. Attitudeshave the tendency to be infectious, and because theyare rooted in emotional interpretation of experiences,they can be distorted and shaped; they can be woundup or wound down. What happens when people lose control and becomeangry? They look belligerent (body language), theirvoice tone is harsh and they use menacing words. Theycan be very scary to be around. From the point of viewof making people like you, or even getting willing cooperation,we call this a Really Useless Attitude. How oftenhave you seen infuriated parents berating their childrenfor knocking over the bananas at the supermarket? Orbored, uninterested shop assistants? Or cranky, impatientdoctors? They are all putting out useless attitudes. 37how to make people like youI'm not saying whether this is right or wrong; I'm justpointing out that from a communications standpoint itdoesn't deliver the message very well. Assuming theyhave a message. And that's often the point. Useless attitudestend to come from people who don't know whatthey really want from their communication. Remember, the "K" in "KFC" stands for "Knowwhat you want." If you don't know what youwant, there's no message to deliver and no basisfor connecting with other people. Most people think in terms of what they don't wantas opposed to what they do want, and their attitudesreflect this. "I don't want my boss yelling at me anymore"comes with a whole different attitude than "1 wantmy boss's job" or "I want to be promoted." Similarly, "I'msick of selling neckties all day long" sends a completelydifferent attitude and set of signals to your imaginationthan does "I want to run a charter fishing boat in HoneyHarbor."Your imagination is the strongest force that youpossess—stronger than willpower. Think about it. Yourimagination projects sensory experiences in your mindthrough the language of pictures, sounds, feelings,smells and tastes. Your imagination distorts reality. Itcan work for you or against you. It can make you feel38terrific or miserable. So the better the information youcan feed into your imagination, the better it can organizeyour thinking and your attitudes and ultimately your life. Chapter 3 It's Your Choice he good news is that attitudes are yours to select. And if you're free to choose any one you please, whynot choose a Really Useful Attitude? Let's say you just flew into Miami International Airportand you missed your connection for Omaha. Yousimply have to get on the next flight at all costs, so yougo up to the airline desk and shout at the representative. This is a Really Useless Attitude. If what you want is toget the attendant's maximum help, the best thing you cando is to find a Really Useful Attitude that will create rapportand get his cooperation. I'll probably regret saying this, but I've talked myway out of dozens of automobile-related tickets (I'vealso failed a few times) and not just for parking infractions. I'm absolutely convinced that if I'd started bytelling the officer his radar was off or by losing my temperand getting angry and telling him I'm the mayor'scousin and I'll never visit this town again, I'd bedoomed from the start. If I want the officer to like me,to be understanding and not give me a ticket, then Ihave to assume a Really Useful Attitude like "I'm sorry"39or "Fair enough" or "My, what a fool I am" or "Oh wow,yes, thanks!"The last time I got stopped, the officer followed meinto the village supermarket parking lot and pulled toa stop across the back of my car; I got out and walked tohis car. From his physical appearance, with his beardand body set, I figured he was a Kinesthetic, or feeling-based person (you'll learn more about this later), so thefirst words out of my mouth were "Fair and square."That's because there was no doubt I was in the wrong. He gave me a well-deserved speech about what I'd doneand let me off with a warning. The point is that my attitudeset the tone of the encounter—because I knewwhat I wanted. In face-to-face situations, your attitude precedesyou. It is the central force in your life—it controlsthe quality and appearance of everything you do. It doesn't take much imagination to dream up someReally Useless Attitudes—anger, impatience, conceit,boredom, cynicism—so why not take a moment to contemplateand feel a Really Useful Attitude? When youmeet someone for the first time, you can be curious,enthusiastic, inquiring, helpful or engaging. Or myfavorite—warm. There's something intoxicating aboutwarm human contact; in fact, scientists have discov40ered that it can generate the release of opiates in thebrain—how about that for a Really Useful Attitude? Needless to say, all the above are more useful thanrevenge and disrespect. Ask yourself, "What do I want, right now, at this mo-ment? And which attitude will serve me best?" Remem-ber, there are only two types of attitudes to consider Chapter 4 Triggering Happy Memories You know how certain sounds can remind you of somethingspecial in your life? When I was eight, my mothertook me to a resort where I stood next to a man makingfresh doughnuts while Paul Anka sang "Diana" in the background. Now, whenever I hear this song, it triggers the smellof fresh doughnuts and the memory of that happy holiday. It's the song that triggers the memory. A trigger can be asound or something visual. It can also be a feeling oraction. And believe it or not, it can be a clenched fist. Follow the steps below, and you'll see what I mean. Usethe hand you write with and clench your fist tightly. Thenrelease. Repeat the action a couple of times. This will beyour trigger. 1. Pick a Really Useful Attitude—one that you know will beuseful when you first meet someone. It can be curious,resourceful, warm or patient, or any attitude you thinkwill work for you. But it must be one that you haveexperienced at some time in your life and can recallon demand. 2. Find a comfortable spot, quiet and not too bright, whereyou won't be disturbed for 10 minutes. Sit down, placeboth feet on the floor, breathe slowly into your abdomen(not your chest) and relax. -. 423. Now you're ready. Close your eyes and picture a time inyour life when you felt the attitude you have chosen. In your mind's eye, make a picture of this specific event. Put in all the detail you can remember. What was in theforeground and background? Is the picture sharp or fuzzy,black-and-white or color? Is it large or small? Take yourtime and make it as real as you can. Now step into thatpicture and look out through your own eyes. Take note ofwhat you see. 4. Next, bring up the sounds associated with this picture. Notice where the sounds come from: the left, the right, infront or behind? How loud or soft are they? What kinds ofsounds are they? Music? Voices? Listen to the tone andthe volume and the rhythm. Listen deeply, and the soundswill come flooding back. Listen to the quality of eachsound and try to hear how it contributes to your chosenattitude. 5. Bring in the physical sensations associated with the event: the feel of the things around you, the air temperature,your clothing, your hair, what you're standing or sittingon. Next, notice the feelings inside your body. Wheredo they begin? Perhaps they move around in your body. Move your concentration deep into these wonderfulfeelings and enjoy them. Ride with them. Notice anysmells and tastes that want to be included, and savorthem, too. -*436. With your "outside" eyes still closed, look out throughyour "inside" eyes again at the scene. Make the picturessharper, brighter, bolder and bigger. Make the soundsstronger, clearer, purer and more perfect. Make the feelingsstronger, richer, deeper, warmer. Follow the intensityof the feelings if they move from one place toanother, then loop them back to the beginning andintensify them. Loop them over and over as they getstronger and stronger. Let the feeling flood all over you. 7. Make everything twice as big and strong and pure. Thendouble it again. And again. Now your whole body and mindare luxuriating in the experience of it all. Seeing it, hearingit, feeling it. Make the sensations as strong as you can,and just when you can't make them any stronger, doublethem one more time and clench your fist hard and fast asyou anchor the height of the experience to your trigger. Feel the sensations pour through you. Intensify themagain, then clench your fist at the height of the feelingsand release. Relax your hand and feel the sensations pourthrough your body. Do this one more time, then relax yourhand and the rest of your body. Come down in your owntime and relax. Wait a minute or so, then test your trigger. Make a tightfist and notice the feelings rush into all your senses. Test itagain after a couple of minutes. You are ready to use thisReally Useful Attitude whenever you want. 44when we are dealing with fellow humans: useful anduseless. How many times have you seen a newsmaker give aTV interview when she's frustrated? Or a salespersonserve you in a store when he clearly wishes he weresomewhere else, a colleague who is sarcastic to the veryperson who can get the photocopying done faster ifdesired, or passengers being rude to the cab driver whois the only person with the means to get them to thechurch on time? These are all Really Useless Attitudes. As far as communication is concerned, they are virtuallyguaranteed to fail. A Really Useful Attitude is one of the major deliveryvehicles of the likability factor—and it works like acharm. Your posture, your movements and your expressionwill speak volumes about you before you even openyour mouth. The sooner you know what you want and which isthe most useful attitude to help you get it, the sooneryour body language and your voice and your words willchange to help you get it. The conclusion is obvious. People who know whatthey want tend to get it because they are focused andpositive, and this is reflected outward and inward intheir attitude. Take on a cheery attitude the next timeyou meet someone new and see how your whole beingchanges to the part. Your look will be cheery, you'll45how to make people Like yousound cheery and you'll use cheery words. This is thefull "communication package." Other people makemajor adjustments in their responses to you based onthe signals you transmit. The next chapter will take adetailed look at how these signals combine to present apositive image. Part 5 actions do speak louder than words First impressions are powerful. Along with the instinctive fight-or -flight appraisals, we rae also weighing the opportunities involved in almost every new face-to-face encounter. No matter how hare we try, we cannot get away from the fact that image and appearance areimportant when meeting someone for the first time. Dressing well goes a long way toward making a positiveimpression as you begin to establish rapport, but howdo you make people warm to you? And how do you pro-ject the likable parts of your own unique personality? Chapter 1 Body Language our body language, which includes your posture,X your expressions and your gestures, accounts formore than one-half of what other people respond to andmake assumptions about. 47how to make people Like you in 90 seconds or LessWhen people think of body language, they tend tothink it means what happens from the neck down. Butmuch of what we communicate to others—and whatthey make assumptions about—comes from the neckup. Facial gestures and nods and tilts of the head have avocabulary that equals or exceeds that of the body fromthe neck down. The signals we send with our bodies are rich withmeaning and global in their scope. Some of them arehardwired into us at birth; others are picked up from oursociety and culture. Everywhere on the planet, panicinduces an uncontrollable shielding of the heart with thehands and/or a freezing of the limbs. A smile is a smileon all continents, while sadness is displayed throughdown-turned lips as often in New York as in Papua NewGuinea. The clenched fists of determination and theopen palms of truth convey the same message in Icelandas they do in Indonesia. And no matter where on earth you find yourself,mothers and fathers instinctively cradle their babieswith the head against the left side of their body, close tothe heart. The heart is at the heart of it. Facial expressionsand body language are all obedient to the greaterpurpose of helping your body maintain the well-being ofits center of feeling, mood and emotion—your heart. Volumes have been written about body language, butwhen all is said and done, this form of communication48can be broken down into two rather broad categories: open and closed. Open body language exposes theheart, while closed body language defends or protectsit. In establishing rapport, we can also think in terms ofinclusive gestures and noninclusive gestures. Open Body LanguageOpen body language exposes your heart and body(within limits of decency, of course!) and signals cooperation,agreement, willingness, enthusiasm and approval. These gestures are meant to be seen. They show trust. They say "YES!"Your body doesn't know how to lie. Unconsciously,with no directions from you, it transmits yourthoughts and feelings in a language of its own tothe bodies of other people, and these bodiesunderstand the language perfectly. Any contradictionsin the language can interrupt the developmentof rapport. In his classic work How to Read a Person like a Book,Gerard I. Nierenberg explains the value of open gestures. These gestures include open hands and uncrossed armsas well as the occasional subtle movement toward theother person that says "I am with you" and showsacceptance: an open coat or jacket, for example, both49literally and symbolically exposes the heart. When usedtogether, such gestures say "Things are going well."Positive, open-body gestures reach out to others. These gestures are generally slow and deliberate. Whenan open person makes contact with the heart of anotherperson, a strong connection is made and trust becomespossible. (You know the feeling of a good hug? Or aheart-to-heart talk?)When you meet someone new, immediately pointyour heart warmly at that person's heart. There ismagic in this. Other common open gestures include standing withyour hands on your hips and your feet apart, a stancethat shows enthusiasm and willingness, and moving forwardin your chair (if accompanied by other open gestures). Leaning forward shows interest, and uncrossingyour arms or legs signals you are open to suggestions. Closed Body LanguageDefensiveness is shown through gestures that protectthe body and defend the heart. These gestures suggestresistance, frustration, anxiety, stubbornness, nervousnessand impatience. They are negative gestures, andthey say "NO!"50Crossed arms are common to all manifestations ofdefensiveness. They hide the heart and defend one'sfeelings. Although you can also be relatively relaxedwith your arms crossed, the difference between arelaxed crossed-arm position and a defensive crossed-arm position is in the accompanying gestures. For example,are your arms loosely folded or pressed close toyour body? Are your hands clenched or open? Defensive gestures are often fast and evasive andbeyond your conscious control. Your body has a mindof its own and is ruled by your attitude, useful or useless. In addition to crossed arms, the most obviousdefensive gestures are avoiding eye contact with theother person and turning your body sideways. Fidgetingis another negative gesture, which can also show impatienceor nervousness. Right away, you can see the difference between a personwho faces you squarely and honestly, and someonewho stands sideways to you with crossed arms andhunched shoulders while the two of you talk. In the firstinstance, the person is openly pointing his heart directlyat your heart. In the second, the posture is defensive;the person is pointing his heart away from you and protectingit. One is being open with you, the other closed. Being in the presence of these two postures producesvery different feelings. 51Smaller GesturesHand gestures are also part of the vocabulary of bodylanguage. They, too, can be divided into open gestures(positive responses) and closed or concealed gestures(negative responses), except that their range is far moreintricate and expressive. I should point out that individualgestures, just like the individual words on this page,don't say much. Only when you're presented with morethan one gesture, perhaps combined with an expressionand topped off with some overall body language, canyou deduce that a particular clenched fist means "Wow,my horse came in first!" and not "I'm so mad I want toslap him!"A similar set of differences occurs in body languageabove the neck. The open face smiles, makes eye contact,gives feedback, shows curiosity and raises the eyebrowsto show interest. In a casual encounter, a quicklook and a lowering of the eyes says, "I trust you. I'm notafraid of you." A prolonged look strengthens the positivesignal. In conversation, we may use a nod of the head atthe end of a statement to indicate that an answer isexpected. In contrast, the closed face frowns, purses the lipsand avoids eye contact. And there is yet another negativecategory to add to facial responses. We politely callit the neutral, or expressionless, face. It's the one thatjust gawks at you like a dead trout. In the next chapter,52you'll find out how to react to this "non-face," which canbe very disconcerting if you don't know how to dealwith it. Frequently I look around at my audiences and recognizepeople who have heard me talk before. I recognizethem because they have "the look of recognition" ontheir face when they see me. It's a look, or even an attitude,of silent anticipation that any minute I'll recognizethem. Well, this look can work wonders—from time totime—with people you haven't met before. If you're onyour own, try it out right now. Let your mouth openslightly in a smile as your eyebrows arch and your headtilts back a little with anticipation as you look directlyat an imaginary person. A variation is to tilt your headas you look slightly away and then look back at the personwith the bare minimum of a frown and/or pursedlips. Practice. Then give it a try. Be as subtle as you possiblycan. Last spring, I rented a bus for my daughter and herfriends to be chauffeured around in on the night of theirprom. While I was paying at the rental office, I noticed awoman sitting at the next desk over. She had a look onher face that said she knew me, and I racked my brain toplace her. I couldn't. In the end I had to say, "I'm sorry, but have we metbefore?""No," she replied seriously. Then she stood up at her Chapter 2 Flirting Classic flirting behavior involves letting someone knowyou like him or her and that you'd like to pursue it further. Not surprisingly, body language plays a huge part inthis game, and even less surprisingly, so does eye contact. Dozens of little gestures are used to send out sexualmessages: the tilt of the head, holding eye contact a littlelonger than normal, the angle of the hips and the handsthrough the hair. Glancing sideways is a gesture that can suggestdoubt on its own, but combined with a slight smile anda narrowing of the eyes it is a powerful gesture of flirtation. A man sends out signals with his swagger; a woman, byrolling her hips. A man loosens his tie ever so slightly; awoman moistens her lips. On and on, the parties conveytheir interest in each other through their stances, glancesand postures until some small gesture synchronizes andsends the O.K. desk, held out her hand to me and smiled. "Hi, I'mNatalie," she said. I had been obliged to speak first, and she had donethe polite thing. She had stood up, offered her hand,smiled and introduced herself. All completely innocent—or was it? I have no idea. But we had rapport, and shehad me talking. Chapter 3 Congruity Why do we like great actors and take them seriously when we know they're only speaking lines that someone else wrote? Because they are believable:because they are congruent. In 1967, Professor Albert Mehrabian, currently pro-fessor emeritus of psychology at UCLA, carried out themost widely quoted study on communication. He determinedthat believability depends on the consistency, orcongruity, of three aspects of communication. In a papertitled "Decoding of Inconsistent Communication," hereported the percentages of a message expressedthrough our different communication channels in thisway: interestingly, 55% of what we respond to takesplace visually; 38% of what we respond to is the sound Chapter 4 Mixed Messages. Rosa, a waitress, folds up the ad she's torn from a newspaper,clears off the table where her new computer willsit and leaves her apartment. At the electronics store, as Rosa hovers over the latestdesktop model from Megahype, a young salesman noticesthe ad in her hand and wanders over to her. He unbuttonshis jacket, spreads his hands out, palms up, and looks herin the eye. "I see you found it already," he says with asmile. "Hi, my name's Tony."For the next 10 minutes, a relaxed and sincere Tony talksto Rosa. He faces her with his hands exposed and leans forwardfrom time to time as they discuss the features of thecomputer. Rosa listens with interest, her head tilted to oneside and her hand on her cheek, as Tony offers to "throwin" $95 of extras and even agrees to "eat the tax."Finally, stroking her chin as she forms a decision, Rosanods. "Yes," she says, "this is the model for me.""Great," says Tony, eagerly rubbing his palms together. "It will take about five minutes to take it down and findsome boxes."Rosa looks sideways at him and frowns. "You don't havea new one in a box?""That might be hard to find right now." Tony's handsbecome fists, and he pops them into his pockets. -*56"They're such an unbelievable deal—they've just been flyingout of the store." He buttons up his jacket, shrugs hisshoulders and laughs nervously. "So this is a demonstration model?" Rosa tilts her head,inquiring. "Just came on the floor this morning," Tony shoots backwith an insincere smile. He folds his arms in front of hischest and turns himself sideways to her, pretending to bedistracted by something going on in the TV departmentnearby. His voice falters and weakens as he says, "It has thesame warranty as a new one."Rosa rubs the side of her nose in doubt. "Came on thefloor this morning? Fine. Can I have that in writing?"Tony's back is turned to her as he leans over the monitor,fiddling with the cables—any excuse not to look at her. He catches a glimpse of himself in one of the wall mirrors. Oh boy, what an idiot I am, he thinks. He bites his lip andturns back to face Rosa. But Rosa is gone. As a good waitress, Rosa is used to reading body language. She saw that the salesman's gestures conflicted(lacked congruity) with his words, and she knew thatshe should believe the gestures. The change in Tony'svoice tone from informing to pleading just served toconfirm her feelings of doubt. 57of communication; and 1% of what we respond toinvolves the actual words we use. The Professor called these the three "V's" of communication: the visual, the vocal and the verbal. And tobe believable, they must all give out the same message. This is at the very foundation of rapport by design. Over one-half of all communication is nonverbal! It isthe look of the communication, our body language, thatcounts the most: the way we act, dress, move, gesture,and so on. Need proof? Think of the last time you were withsomeone who stood with her arms crossed, tappingher foot and looking annoyed, and then huffed the words"I'm fine." Which clues did you believe—the words orthe body language and tone of voice? Physical messagesoften send a much louder message than spoken words. Since 55% of your communication occurs as body language,see how easy it is, whether consciously or not, tosignal either openness or defensiveness to another personby means of your body language. Gestures, ratherthan words, are the true indicators of your instinctivereactions. If you want others to believe that you can be trusted,you must be congruent. Your spoken language and yourbody language must say the same thing. If they don't,the other person's body will signal its discomfort toyour body. In response to this communication, your Chapter 5 Words vs. Tone Say each phrase below with different tonality: anger,boredom, surprise and flirtatiousness. Notice how your| body language, facial expression and breathing combine toalter your emotional state. "It's late.""I've had enough.""Look at me.""Where were you born?"To check your tonality, find a friend and say one or twoof these phrases. See if your friend can tell you which ofthe four feelings you're expressing. If it's not obvious, keepworking at it until it's clear. body will signal to your brain by mixing up a chemicalcocktail that corresponds to the discomfort that theother person is feeling. Then you will both be uncomfortable,and rapport will be that much harder toachieve. When they notice a discrepancy between yourwords and gestures, other people will believe the gesturesand react accordingly. So, congruity occurs when your body, voice tone andwords are all in alignment. And when your body, tone59and words are communicating the same thing, youwill appear sincere and people will tend to believe you. This is why a Really Useful Attitude is so important. Appearing sincere, or congruent, is a key ingredient forbuilding the trust that opens the door to likability andrapport. Make sure that your words, your tonality and yourgestures are all saying the same thing. Be on thelookout for incongruity in others. Notice how itmakes you feel. We've all seen those old movies where a couple ofpeople are driving along in a car, and they're rocking thesteering wheel even though the background shows aroad that's straight as an arrow. It's phony—you knowthey're really in a studio being bounced around in a box. Your senses have told you that something isn't right,something is out of alignment, and so you can't believewhat you see. Or have you ever had someone get mad atyou and then, in the middle of bawling you out, flash asinister little smile that disappears as fast as it came? Very chilling. This is another example of incongruentbehavior. The smile doesn't belong with the anger; it'sinsincere. Recognizing incongruent behavior is another survivalinstinct. If you're on vacation and you're approached60by a complete stranger who grins at you while herubs his hands briskly together, licks his lips andsays, "Good morning, how would you like to invest inthe world's best time-share deal," the chances are you'llbe on your guard. A quick congruence check is instinctiveand is another reason why first impressions areparamount. Frequently a person's emotions and intentions aremisunderstood by those around them. For instance, awoman at one of my seminars discovered that sheunconsciously used a tone of voice that was incongruentwith her words. "No, I'm not confused, I'm interested,"she would insist when tested. And again, "No, I'mnot sad, I'm relaxed." This went on and on until shecame to the verge of tears and said, "Now I know why mykids are always saying, 'Mom, how come you get mad atus all the time?' And I'm not mad at them. Sometimes I'mjust excited."The same woman also told us that her coworkersaccused her of sarcasm but that, to her, nothing couldbe further from the truth. In fact, sarcasm is simplywords said with conflicting voice tone. It is structuredso the person on the receiving end will believe what'sinferred by the tonality. Suppose you let your teamdown and somebody is heard to quip, "That was brilliant,"with a tonality that communicates annoyance. It's a very different case when you score a fantastic goal61and the same person is heard to say with excitement,"That was brilliant!"Congruity, then, has one unshakable rule and it isthis: If your gestures, tone and words do not say thesame thing, people will believe the gestures. Go up tosomeone you know, purse your lips and say, "I really likeyou," with your eyebrows raised and your arms folded. Ask them what they think. Even better, go find a mirrorand try it. Well? You get my point. Your gestures are agiveaway to what you really mean. Chapter 6 Being Yourself Do you feel nervous when you meet someone new? Physiologically, being nervous and being excitedhave a lot in common: pounding heart, churning tummy,high chest breathing and the general jitters. But one ofthese states might send you hightailing it for the nearestdark corner while the other one can serve you well andpropel you forward. There is a tendency for panic toaccompany nervousness, and this quite naturally makesbodily activities speed up. Because much of your nervousnessstems from increased awareness, try redirectingsome of your awareness toward slowing downand being more deliberate. One great technique is toimagine that your nostrils are just below your naveland that your in-and-out breaths are happening down62there. The slower you are, within reason, the more incontrol you will appear. The sooner you start telling yourself that you'reexcited rather than nervous, the sooner you'll be able toconvince your subconscious that this is actually howyou feel. And, in fact, that's really all that matters. Change your attitude, and your body language and voicetone will change to reflect your new attitude. Keep inmind that most people are as eager as you are to establishrapport. They will generously give you the benefit ofthe doubt. Don't try too hard! In a study conducted atPrinceton University, students of both sexes werequestioned about their methods of sizing up peoplethey met for the first time. Overeagerness wasone of the most reported turnoffs. Don't smile toohard, don't try to be too witty, don't be overpoliteand avoid the temptation to be patronizing. As you become more at ease with your attitude, peoplewill begin to notice characteristics that are uniqueto you—that set you apart from the others and defineyou as an individual. You will naturally and easily projectthe likable parts of your own unique personality andhave more conscious control and confidence in yourability to create rapport at will. 63It's just about impossible to be incongruent whenyou are operating from inside any kind of attitude, usefulor otherwise. Because your attitude precedes you, itis an essential component of the first impression youmake on new acquaintances. Part 6 people like people like themselves My neighbor down the road loves to fish. So do his two sons, who, by the way, look like their dad and walk like him. What a bond! I don't fish, and neither do any of my five children, but we share the same sense of humor. What a relief! My aunt in Scotland is amedical doctor, and so is her daughter. They think alike. Another coincidence? The plumber in our village comesfrom three generations of plumbers. The woman who soldme a big ripe Gouda cheese at the Wednesday market inLeiden, just outside Amsterdam, had her mother and herdaughter working for her. All dressed the same. What's going on here? Is there some kind of patternemerging? How come they are so much alike? They haveall grown up with harmonious behavior on many levels,physical and mental. They have synchrony. Since he was only three years old, my neighbor'syoungest son has handled a fishing rod with great65respect, just like his dad. He sits a certain way, just likehis dad, and when he's threading the hook, he glances athis father from moment to moment to see if he's doing itcorrectly: a certain, almost imperceptible expression sayscontinue, another says be careful and yet another saysno, you've got it wrong. The boy uses his own instincts tolearn from his father, along with very subtle guidancefrom his father's expressions and body language and attimes his gentle, encouraging voice. Now he can do it, justlike his dad.