The Thirteenth Tuesday We Talk About the Perfect Day

Morrie wanted to be cremated¹. He had discussed it with Charlotte, and they decided² it was the best way. The rabbi from Brandeis, Al Axelrad-a longtime friend whom they chose to conduct the funeral service-had come to visit Morrie, and Morrie told him of his cremation³ plans.

"And Al?"

"Yes?"

"Make sure they don't overcook me."

The rabbi was stunned⁴. But Morrie was able to joke about his body now. The closer he got to the end, the more he saw it as a mere⁵ shell, a container of the soul. It was withering⁶ to useless skin and bones anyhow, which made it easier to let go.

"We are so afraid of the sight of death," Morrie told me when I sat down. I adjusted the microphone on his collar, but it kept flopping⁷ over. Morrie coughed. He was coughing all the time now.

"I read a book the other day. It said as soon as someone dies in a hospital, they pull the sheets up over their head, and they wheel the body to some chute and push it down. They can't wait to get it out of their sight. People act as if death is contagious⁸."

I fumbled⁹ with the microphone. Morrie glanced at my hands.

"It's not contagious, you know. Death is as natural as life. It's part of the deal we made."

He coughed again, and I moved back and waited, always braced¹⁰ for something serious. Morrie had been having bad nights lately. Frightening nights. He could sleep only a few hours at a time before violent hacking¹¹ spells woke him. The nurses would come into the bedroom, pound him on the back, try to bring up the poison. Even if they got him breathing normally again-"normally" meaning with the help of the oxygen machine--the fight left him fatigued¹² the whole next day.

The oxygen tube was up his nose now. I hated the sight of it. To me, it symbolized¹³ helplessness. I wanted to pull it out.

"Last night . . ." Morrie said softly. Yes? Last night?

". . . I had a terrible spell. It went on for hours. And I really wasn't sure I was going to make it. No breath. No end to the choking. At one point, I started to get dizzy
. . . and then I felt a certain peace, I felt that I was ready to go."

His eyes widened. "Mitch, it was a most incredible feeling. The sensation of accepting what was happening, being at peace. I was thinking about a dream I had last week, where I was crossing a bridge into something unknown. Being ready to move on to whatever is next."

But you didn't.

Morrie waited a moment. He shook his head slightly. "No, I didn't. But I felt that I could. Do you understand?

"That's what we're all looking for. A certain peace with the idea of dying. If we know, in the end, that we can ultimately have that peace with dying, then we can finally do the really hard thing."

Which is?

"Make peace with living."

He asked to see the hibiscus plant on the ledge¹⁴ behind him. I cupped it in my hand and held it up near his eyes. He smiled.

"It's natural to die," he said again. "The fact that we make such a big hullabaloo over it is all because we don't see ourselves as part of nature. We think because we're human we're something above nature."

He smiled at the plant.

"We're not. Everything that gets born, dies." He looked at me.

"Do you accept that?" Yes.

"All right," he whispered, "now here's the payoff. Here is how we are different from these wonderful plants and animals.

"As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on-in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured¹⁵ while you were here."

His voice was raspy, which usually meant he needed to stop for a while. I placed the plant back on the ledge and went to shut off the tape recorder. This is the last sentence Morrie got out before I did:

"Death ends a life, not a relationship."

There had been a development in the treatment of ALS: an experimental drug that was just gaining passage. It was not a cure, but a delay, a slowing of the decay for perhaps a few months. Morrie had heard about it, but he was too far gone. Besides, the medicine wouldn't be available for several months.

"Not for me," Morrie said, dismissing it.

In all the time he was sick, Morrie never held out hope he would be cured. He was realistic to a fault. One time, I asked if someone were to wave a magic wand and make him all better, would he become, in time, the man he had been before?

He shook his head. "No way I could go back. I am a different self now. I'm different in my attitudes. I'm different appreciating my body, which I didn't do fully¹⁶ before. I'm different in terms of trying to grapple with the big questions, the ultimate questions, the ones that won't go away.

"That's the thing, you see. Once you get your fingers on the important questions, you can't turn away from them."

And which are the important questions?

"As I see it, they have to do with love, responsibility, spirituality, awareness¹⁷. And if I were healthy today, those would still be my issues. They should have been all along."

I tried to imagine Morrie healthy. I tried to imagine him pulling the covers from his body, stepping from that chair, the two of us going for a walk around the neighborhood, the way we used to walk around campus. I suddenly realized it had been sixteen years since I'd seen him standing¹⁸ up. Sixteen years?

What if you had one day perfectly¹⁹ healthy, I asked? What would you do?

"Twenty-four hours?" Twenty-four hours.

"Let's see . . . I'd get up in the morning, do my exercises, have a lovely breakfast of sweet rolls and tea, go for a swim, then have my friends come over for a nice lunch. I'd have them come one or two at a time so we could talk about their families, their issues, talk about how much we mean to each other.

"Then I'd like to go for a walk, in a garden with some trees, watch their colors, watch the birds, take in the nature that I haven't seen in so long now.

"In the evening, we'd all go together to a restaurant with some great pasta, maybe some duck-I love duckand then we'd dance the rest of the night. I'd dance with all the wonderful dance partners out there, until I was exhausted²⁰. And then I'd go home and have a deep, wonderful sleep."

That's it?

"That's it."

It was so simple. So average. I was actually a little disappointed. I figured he'd fly to Italy or have lunch with the President or romp²¹ on the seashore or try every exotic thing he could think of. After all these months, lying there, unable to move a leg or a foot-how could he find perfection in such an average day?

Then I realized this was the whole point.

Before I left that day, Morrie asked if he could bring up a topic.

"Your brother," he said.

I felt a shiver. I do not know how Morrie knew this was on my mind. I had been trying to call my brother in Spain for weeks, and had learned-from a friend of histhat he was flying back and forth²² to a hospital in Amsterdam.

"Mitch, I know it hurts when you can't be with someone you love. But you need to be at peace with his desires. Maybe he doesn't want you interrupting your life. Maybe he can't deal with that burden. I tell everyone I know to carry on with the life they know-don't ruin it because I am dying."

But he's my brother, I said.

"I know," Morrie said. "That's why it hurts."

I saw Peter in my mind when he was eight years old, his curly blond hair puffed²³ into a sweaty ball atop his head. I saw us wrestling in the yard next to our house, the grass stains soaking through the knees of our jeans. I saw him singing songs in front of the mirror, holding a brush as a microphone, and I saw us squeezing into the attic²⁴ where we hid together as children, testing our parents' will to find us for dinner.

And then I saw him as the adult who had drifted away, thin and frail²⁵, his face bony from the chemotherapy treatments.

Morrie, I said. Why doesn't he want to see me?

My old professor sighed. "There is no formula to relationships. They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like.

"In business, people negotiate to win. They negotiate to get what they want. Maybe you're too used to that. Love is different. Love is when you are as concerned about someone else's situation as you are about your own.

"You've had these special times with your brother, and you no longer have what you had with him. You want them back. You never want them to stop. But that's part of being human. Stop, renew, stop, renew."

I looked at him. I saw all the death in the world. I felt helpless.

"You'll find a way back to your brother," Morrie said.

How do you know?

Morrie smiled. "You found me, didn't you?"

"I heard a nice little story the other day," Morrie says. He closes his eyes for a moment and I wait.

"Okay. The story is about a little wave, bobbing along in the ocean, having a grand old time. He's enjoying the wind and the fresh air-until he notices the other waves in front of him, crashing against the shore.

" `My God, this is terrible,' the wave says. `Look what's going to happen to me!'

"Then along comes another wave. It sees the first wave, looking grim, and it says to him, `Why do you look so sad?'

"The first wave says, `You don't understand! We're all going to crash! All of us waves are going to be nothing! Isn't it terrible?'

"The second wave says, `No, you don't understand. You're not a wave, you're part of the ocean.' "

I smile. Morrie closes his eyes again.

"Part of the ocean, " he says, "part of the ocean. " I watch him breathe, in and out, in and out.

   莫里死后想火化。他把这个想法告诉了夏洛特，他们都认为这样做最妥善。布兰代斯大学的拉比①，阿尔•阿克塞尔拉德--莫里的老朋友，他们请他来主持葬礼--来看莫里，莫里把火化的想法告诉了他。
   ①指犹太教主持仪式的神职人员。
   "阿尔？"
   "啊？"
   "千万别把我烧过了头。"
   拉比听了直发愣。可莫里现在老拿自己的身体开玩笑，越接近生命的终结，他越把自己的身体看作是个壳，仅仅是一具装有灵魂的外壳。它渐渐地枯萎成一堆毫无用处的皮肤和骨头，然后便可毫不费力地化去。
   "我们很害怕看见死亡，"我坐下后莫里对我说。我扶正他衣领上的话筒，可它还是不停地滑落下来。莫里又咳嗽起来。他现在不停地咳。
   "我那天看了一本书。里面说有个人在医院里死去时，他们立即用被单盖住他的头，把尸体推人了倾卸槽。他们迫不及待地要让它从面前消失，好像死亡会传染开似的。"
   我还摆弄话筒。莫里看了一眼我的手。
   "它不会传染的，这你知道。死亡跟生命一样自然。它是我们生活的一部分。"
   他又咳了。我退后去看着他，随时做好应急的准备。莫里近来晚上的情形也不妙。那些夜晚真叫人提心吊胆。他睡不上几个小时就会被剧烈的咳嗽弄醒。护士们跑进卧室，捶打他的后背，想办法挤出他肺部的毒素，即使他们使他呼吸变正常了--"正常"是指依靠氧气机的帮助--这一折腾也会使他第二天疲惫不堪。
   氧气管现在插进了他的鼻子。我讨厌看到那玩艺。在我看来，它代表着彻底的无望。我真想把它拔出来。
   "昨天晚上……"莫里轻声说。
   昨天晚上怎么啦？
   "……我发作得很厉害。它持续了好几个小时，我真不知道能不能挺过来。不能呼吸。胸口一直堵着。有一段时间我快要晕厥过去了……然后又有了某种宁静的感觉，我感到我已经准备好了。"
   他眼睛睁开了。"米奇，那是一种最不可思议的感觉。一种既无奈又平静的感觉。我想到了上个星期做过的一个梦：我走过一座桥，进入了一个陌生的地方。我已准备好去任何一个地方。"
   但你没有去。
   莫里等了一会儿，他微微摇了摇头。"是的，我没有去。但我感觉到我已经能够去了。你能理解吗？
   "这就是我们都在寻求的：平静地面对死亡。如果我们知道我们可以这样去面对死亡的话，那么我们就能应付最困难的事情了。"
   什么是最困难的？
   "与生活讲和。"
   他想看后面窗台上的木槿。我把它托举到他面前。他笑了。
   "死是很自然的，"他说。"我们之所以对死亡大惊小怪，是因为我们没有把自己视作自然的一部分。我们觉得既然是人就得高于自然，"
   他望着木槿笑笑。
   "我们并不高于自然。有生就有死。"他看着我。
   "你能接受吗？"
   是的。
   "很好，"他轻声说。"但你有回报。这是人类不同于植物和动物的地方。
   "只要我们彼此相爱，并把它珍藏在心里，我们即使死了也不会真正地消亡。你创造的爱依然存在着。所有的记忆依然存在着。你仍然活着--活在每一个你触摸过爱抚过的人的心中。"
   他的声音变得粗糙起来。这通常表明他需要休息一会了。我把木槿放回到窗台，然后去关录音机。机子录下的莫里的最后一句话是：
   "死亡终结了生命，但没有终结感情的联系。"
   对ALS的治疗目前有了一些进展：一种处于试验阶段的药物有望获得通过。它并不能治愈患者，但能起到延缓的作用。也许可以延缓几个月。莫里已经听说了这事，但他的病情已经太严重了。而且这种药的上市还需要几个月的时间。
   "对我不管用了，"莫里打消了这个念头。
   自从患病以后，莫里从未对治愈抱过希望。他非常现实。有一次我问他，如果有人能挥舞魔杖把他治愈，他还会成为以前的那个莫里吗？
   他摇摇头。"我不可能再回到过去了。我已经是一个不同于以前的我了。我有了不同的态度和观念。我更充分地感受着自己的身体--我以前没那么做。我还不同于以往地在思索一些重大问题，一些挥之不去的根本问题。
   "就是这么回事，你瞧，你一旦涉足这些重大的问题，你就没法抽身离开了。"
   什么是重大的问题？
   "在我看来；它们离不开爱。责任，精神，意识等范畴。今天我如果是个健康人，这些还将是我要去思考的问题。它们将伴我一生。"
   我在想象一个健康的莫里：他掀去盖在身上的毯子，从轮椅上下来，我俩一起去附近散步，就像当年在校园里一样。我突然意识到，看见站着的莫里是十六年前的事了。已经十六年了？
   如果你有完全健康的一天，你会怎么做？我问。
   "二十四小时？"
   二十四小时。
   "我想想……早晨起床，进行晨练，吃一顿可口的。有甜面包卷和茶的早餐。然后去游泳，请朋友们共进午餐，我一次只请一两个，于是我们可以谈他们的家庭，谈他们的问题，谈彼此的友情。
   "然后我会去公园散步，看看自然的色彩，看看美丽的小鸟，尽情地享受久违的大自然。
   "晚上，我们一起去饭店享用上好的意大利面食，也可能是鸭子--我喜欢吃鸭子--剩下的时间就用来跳舞。我会跟所有的人跳，直到跳得精疲力竭。然后回家，美美地睡上一个好觉。"
   就这些？
   "就这些。"
   太普通了。毫不奢侈。我听了真有些失望。我猜想他会飞去意大利与总统共进午餐，或去海边，或想方设法去享受奇异。奢侈的生活。几个月躺下来，连脚都无法动弹--他竟然在极普通的一天里找到了那份完美。
   但随后我意识到了这就是一切问题的答案所在。
   那天当我离开时，莫里问他能不能提一个话题。
   "你弟弟，"他说。
   我心里一震。我不知道莫里怎么会知道我的心病的。我几个星期来一直在给西班牙的弟弟去电话，我得知--他的朋友告诉我--他正往返于西班牙和阿姆斯特丹的一家医院。
   "米奇，我知道不能和你爱的人在一起是痛苦的。但你应该平静地看待他的愿望。也许他是不想烦扰你的生活。也许他是承受不了那份压力。我要每一个我所认识的人继续他们自己的生活--不要由于我的死而毁了它。"
   可他是我弟弟，我说。
   "我知道，"莫里说。"所以你会伤心。"
   我脑海里又出现了八岁时的彼得，他金色的鬈发蓬成可爱的球状。我们在隔壁的院子里摔跤，泥草透过牛仔裤弄脏了我们的膝盖；我回想起他对着镜子唱歌，拿着梳子当话筒；我还想起我俩躲迸阁楼小屋，藏在那里考验父母亲的能耐，是否找得到我们吃晚饭。
   随后出现了成年的他，拖着羸弱的身躯远离亲人，化疗使他骨瘦如柴。
   莫里，我问，他为什么不想见我？
   我的老教授叹了口气。人与人的关系是没有固定公式的。它需要双方用爱心去促成，给予双方以空间，了解彼此的愿望和需求，了解彼此能做些什么以及各自不同的生活。
   "在商业上，人们通过谈判去获胜。他们通过谈判去得到他们想要的东西，但爱却不同。爱是让你像关心自己一样去关心别人。
   "你有过和弟弟在一起的美好时光，但你不再拥有这份感情了。你想把它要回来。你从未想让它结束。可这就是生活的一部分。结束，重新开始，结束，重新开始。"
   我望着他，所有的死亡我都见到了。我感到茫然无助。
   "你会回到你弟弟的身边的，"莫里说。
   你怎么知道？
   莫里笑了，"你回到了我身边，是不是？"
   "我那天听到一个有趣的小故事，"莫里说。他闭了一会眼睛，我等他往下说。
   "故事讲的是一朵在海洋里漂流了无数个春秋的小海浪。它享受着海风和空气带给它的欢乐--这时它发现，它前面的海浪正在撞向海岸。
   "'我的天，这太可怕了，'小海浪说。'我也要遭此厄运了！'
   "'这时又涌来了另一朵海浪。它看见小海浪神情黯然，便对它说，'你为何这般惆怅？'
   "小海浪回答说，'你不明白！我们都要撞上海岸了。我们所有的海浪都将不复存在了！你说这不可怕吗？'
   "那朵海浪说，'不，是你不明白。你不是海浪，你是大海的一部分！'"
   我笑了。莫里闭上了眼睛。
   "大海的一部分！"他说着，"大海的一部分。"我看着他呼吸，吸进呼出，吸进呼出。

1 cremated   

v.火葬，火化（尸体）( cremate的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• He wants to is cremated, not buried. 他要火葬，不要土葬。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• The bodies were cremated on the shore. 他们的尸体在海边火化了。 来自辞典例句

2 decided   

adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的

参考例句：

• This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
• There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。

3 cremation   

n.火葬，火化

参考例句：

• Cremation is more common than burial in some countries. 在一些国家，火葬比土葬普遍。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• Garbage cremation can greatly reduce the occupancy of land. 垃圾焚烧可以大大减少占用土地。 来自互联网

4 stunned   

adj. 震惊的，惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词

参考例句：

• The fall stunned me for a moment. 那一下摔得我昏迷了片刻。
• The leaders of the Kopper Company were then stunned speechless. 科伯公司的领导们当时被惊得目瞪口呆。

5 mere   

adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过

参考例句：

• That is a mere repetition of what you said before.那不过是重复了你以前讲的话。
• It's a mere waste of time waiting any longer.再等下去纯粹是浪费时间。

6 withering   

使人畏缩的，使人害羞的，使人难堪的

参考例句：

• She gave him a withering look. 她极其蔑视地看了他一眼。
• The grass is gradually dried-up and withering and pallen leaves. 草渐渐干枯、枯萎并落叶。

7 flopping   

n.贬调v.（指书、戏剧等）彻底失败( flop的现在分词 )；（因疲惫而）猛然坐下；（笨拙地、不由自主地或松弛地）移动或落下；砸锅

参考例句：

• The fish are still flopping about. 鱼还在扑腾。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
• What do you mean by flopping yourself down and praying agin me?' 咚一声跪下地来咒我，你这是什么意思” 来自英汉文学 - 双城记

8 contagious   

adj.传染性的，有感染力的

参考例句：

• It's a highly contagious infection.这种病极易传染。
• He's got a contagious laugh.他的笑富有感染力。

9 fumbled   

（笨拙地）摸索或处理（某事物）( fumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 乱摸，笨拙地弄； 使落下

参考例句：

• She fumbled in her pocket for a handkerchief. 她在她口袋里胡乱摸找手帕。
• He fumbled about in his pockets for the ticket. 他（瞎）摸着衣兜找票。

10 braced   

adj.拉牢的v.支住( brace的过去式和过去分词 )；撑牢；使自己站稳；振作起来

参考例句：

• They braced up the old house with balks of timber. 他们用梁木加固旧房子。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• The house has a wooden frame which is braced with brick. 这幢房子是木结构的砖瓦房。 来自《简明英汉词典》

11 hacking   

n.非法访问计算机系统和数据库的活动

参考例句：

• The patient with emphysema is hacking all day. 这个肺气肿病人整天不断地干咳。
• We undertook the task of hacking our way through the jungle. 我们负责在丛林中开路。

12 fatigued   

adj. 疲乏的

参考例句：

• The exercises fatigued her. 操练使她感到很疲乏。
• The President smiled, with fatigued tolerance for a minor person's naivety. 总统笑了笑，疲惫地表现出对一个下级人员的天真想法的宽容。

13 symbolized   

v.象征，作为…的象征( symbolize的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• For Tigress, Joy symbolized the best a woman could expect from life. 在她看，小福子就足代表女人所应有的享受。 来自汉英文学 - 骆驼祥子
• A car symbolized distinction and achievement, and he was proud. 汽车象征着荣誉和成功，所以他很自豪。 来自辞典例句

14 ledge   

n.壁架，架状突出物；岩架，岩礁

参考例句：

• They paid out the line to lower him to the ledge.他们放出绳子使他降到那块岩石的突出部分。
• Suddenly he struck his toe on a rocky ledge and fell.突然他的脚趾绊在一块突出的岩石上，摔倒了。

15 nurtured   

养育( nurture的过去式和过去分词 )； 培育； 滋长； 助长

参考例句：

• She is looking fondly at the plants he had nurtured. 她深情地看着他培育的植物。
• Any latter-day Einstein would still be spotted and nurtured. 任何一个未来的爱因斯坦都会被发现并受到培养。

16 fully   

adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地

参考例句：

• The doctor asked me to breathe in,then to breathe out fully.医生让我先吸气，然后全部呼出。
• They soon became fully integrated into the local community.他们很快就完全融入了当地人的圈子。

17 awareness   

n.意识，觉悟，懂事，明智

参考例句：

• There is a general awareness that smoking is harmful.人们普遍认识到吸烟有害健康。
• Environmental awareness has increased over the years.这些年来人们的环境意识增强了。

18 standing   

n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的

参考例句：

• After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
• They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。

19 perfectly   

adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地

参考例句：

• The witnesses were each perfectly certain of what they said.证人们个个对自己所说的话十分肯定。
• Everything that we're doing is all perfectly above board.我们做的每件事情都是光明正大的。

20 exhausted   

adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的

参考例句：

• It was a long haul home and we arrived exhausted.搬运回家的这段路程特别长，到家时我们已筋疲力尽。
• Jenny was exhausted by the hustle of city life.珍妮被城市生活的忙乱弄得筋疲力尽。

21 romp   

n.欢闹；v.嬉闹玩笑

参考例句：

• The child went for a romp in the forest.那个孩子去森林快活一把。
• Dogs and little children romped happily in the garden.狗和小孩子们在花园里嬉戏。

22 forth   

adv.向前；向外，往外

参考例句：

• The wind moved the trees gently back and forth.风吹得树轻轻地来回摇晃。
• He gave forth a series of works in rapid succession.他很快连续发表了一系列的作品。

23 puffed   

adj.疏松的v.使喷出( puff的过去式和过去分词 )；喷着汽（或烟）移动；吹嘘；吹捧

参考例句：

• He lit a cigarette and puffed at it furiously. 他点燃了一支香烟，狂吸了几口。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• He felt grown-up, puffed up with self-importance. 他觉得长大了，便自以为了不起。 来自《简明英汉词典》

24 attic   

n.顶楼，屋顶室

参考例句：

• Leakiness in the roof caused a damp attic.屋漏使顶楼潮湿。
• What's to be done with all this stuff in the attic?顶楼上的材料怎么处理？

25 frail   

adj.身体虚弱的；易损坏的

参考例句：

• Mrs. Warner is already 96 and too frail to live by herself.华纳太太已经九十六岁了，身体虚弱，不便独居。
• She lay in bed looking particularly frail.她躺在床上，看上去特别虚弱。