The 1st of June arrived at last: and Rosalie Murray was transmuted1 into Lady Ashby. Most splendidly beautiful she looked in her bridal costume. Upon her return from church, after the ceremony, she came flying into the schoolroom, flushed with excitement, and laughing, half in mirth, and half in reckless desperation, as it seemed to me.
'Now, Miss Grey, I'm Lady Ashby!' she exclaimed. 'It's done, my fate is sealed: there's no drawing back now. I'm come to receive your congratulations and bid you good-by; and then I'm off for Paris, Rome, Naples, Switzerland, London--oh, dear! what a deal I shall see and hear before I come back again. But don't forget me: I shan't forget you, though I've been a naughty girl. Come, why don't you congratulate me?'
'I cannot congratulate you,' I replied, 'till I know whether this change is really for the better: but I sincerely hope it is; and I wish you true happiness and the best of blessings2.'
'Well, good-by, the carriage is waiting, and they're calling me.'
She gave me a hasty kiss, and was hurrying away; but, suddenly returning, embraced me with more affection than I thought her capable of evincing, and departed with tears in her eyes. Poor girl! I really loved her then; and forgave her from my heart all the injury she had done me--and others also: she had not half known it, I was sure; and I prayed God to pardon her too.
During the remainder of that day of festal sadness, I was left to my own devices. Being too much unhinged for any steady occupation, I wandered about with a book in my hand for several hours, more thinking than reading, for I had many things to think about. In the evening, I made use of my liberty to go and see my old friend Nancy once again; to apologize for my long absence (which must have seemed so neglectful and unkind) by telling her how busy I had been; and to talk, or read, or work for her, whichever might be most acceptable, and also, of course, to tell her the news of this important day: and perhaps to obtain a little information from her in return, respecting Mr. Weston's expected departure. But of this she seemed to know nothing, and I hoped, as she did, that it was all a false report. She was very glad to see me; but, happily, her eyes were now so nearly well that she was almost independent of my services. She was deeply interested in the wedding; but while I amused her with the details of the festive3 day, the splendours of the bridal party and of the bride herself, she often sighed and shook her head, and wished good might come of it; she seemed, like me, to regard it rather as a theme for sorrow than rejoicing. I sat a long time talking to her about that and other things--but no one came.
Shall I confess that I sometimes looked towards the door with a half-expectant wish to see it open and give entrance to Mr. Weston, as had happened once before? and that, returning through the lanes and fields, I often paused to look round me, and walked more slowly than was at all necessary--for, though a fine evening, it was not a hot one--and, finally, felt a sense of emptiness and disappointment at having reached the house without meeting or even catching4 a distant glimpse of any one, except a few labourers returning from their work?
Sunday, however, was approaching: I should see him then: for now that Miss Murray was gone, I could have my old corner again. I should see him, and by look, speech, and manner, I might judge whether the circumstance of her marriage had very much afflicted5 him. Happily I could perceive no shadow of a difference: he wore the same aspect as he had worn two months ago--voice, look, manner, all alike unchanged: there was the same keen-sighted, unclouded truthfulness6 in his discourse7, the same forcible clearness in his style, the same earnest simplicity8 in all he said and did, that made itself, not marked by the eye and ear, but felt upon the hearts of his audience.
I walked home with Miss Matilda; but HE DID NOT JOIN US. Matilda was now sadly at a loss for amusement, and wofully in want of a companion: her brothers at school, her sister married and gone, she too young to be admitted into society; for which, from Rosalie's example, she was in some degree beginning to acquire a taste--a taste at least for the company of certain classes of gentlemen; at this dull time of year--no hunting going on, no shooting even--for, though she might not join in that, it was SOMETHING to see her father or the gamekeeper go out with the dogs, and to talk with them on their return, about the different birds they had bagged. Now, also, she was denied the solace9 which the companionship of the coachman, grooms10, horses, greyhounds, and pointers might have afforded; for her mother having, notwithstanding the disadvantages of a country life, so satisfactorily disposed of her elder daughter, the pride of her heart had begun seriously to turn her attention to the younger; and, being truly alarmed at the roughness of her manners, and thinking it high time to work a reform, had been roused at length to exert her authority, and prohibited entirely12 the yards, stables, kennels13, and coach-house. Of course, she was not implicitly14 obeyed; but, indulgent as she had hitherto been, when once her spirit was roused, her temper was not so gentle as she required that of her governesses to be, and her will was not to be thwarted15 with impunity16. After many a scene of contention17 between mother and daughter, many a violent outbreak which I was ashamed to witness, in which the father's authority was often called in to confirm with oaths and threats the mother's slighted prohibitions18--for even HE could see that 'Tilly, though she would have made a fine lad, was not quite what a young lady ought to be'--Matilda at length found that her easiest plan was to keep clear of the forbidden regions; unless she could now and then steal a visit without her watchful19 mother's knowledge.
Amid all this, let it not be imagined that I escaped without many a reprimand, and many an implied reproach, that lost none of its sting from not being openly worded; but rather wounded the more deeply, because, from that very reason, it seemed to preclude20 self- defence. Frequently, I was told to amuse Miss Matilda with other things, and to remind her of her mother's precepts21 and prohibitions. I did so to the best of my power: but she would not be amused against her will, and could not against her taste; and though I went beyond mere22 reminding, such gentle remonstrances23 as I could use were utterly24 ineffectual.
'DEAR Miss Grey! it is the STRANGEST thing. I suppose you can't help it, if it's not in your nature--but I WONDER you can't win the confidence of that girl, and make your society at LEAST as agreeable to her as that of Robert or Joseph!'
'They can talk the best about the things in which she is most interested,' I replied.
'Well! that is a strange confession25, HOWEVER, to come from her GOVERNESS! Who is to form a young lady's tastes, I wonder, if the governess doesn't do it? I have known governesses who have so completely identified themselves with the reputation of their young ladies for elegance26 and propriety27 in mind and manners, that they would blush to speak a word against them; and to hear the slightest blame imputed28 to their pupils was worse than to be censured29 in their own persons--and I really think it very natural, for my part.'
'Do you, ma'am?'
'Yes, of course: the young lady's proficiency30 and elegance is of more consequence to the governess than her own, as well as to the world. If she wishes to prosper31 in her vocation32 she must devote all her energies to her business: all her ideas and all her ambition will tend to the accomplishment33 of that one object. When we wish to decide upon the merits of a governess, we naturally look at the young ladies she professes34 to have educated, and judge accordingly. The JUDICIOUS35 governess knows this: she knows that, while she lives in obscurity herself, her pupils' virtues36 and defects will be open to every eye; and that, unless she loses sight of herself in their cultivation37, she need not hope for success. You see, Miss Grey, it is just the same as any other trade or profession: they that wish to prosper must devote themselves body and soul to their calling; and if they begin to yield to indolence or self-indulgence they are speedily distanced by wiser competitors: there is little to choose between a person that ruins her pupils by neglect, and one that corrupts38 them by her example. You will excuse my dropping these little hints: you know it is all for your own good. Many ladies would speak to you much more strongly; and many would not trouble themselves to speak at all, but quietly look out for a substitute. That, of course, would be the EASIEST plan: but I know the advantages of a place like this to a person in your situation; and I have no desire to part with you, as I am sure you would do very well if you will only think of these things and try to exert yourself a LITTLE more: then, I am convinced, you would SOON acquire that delicate tact39 which alone is wanting to give you a proper influence over the mind of your pupil.'
I was about to give the lady some idea of the fallacy of her expectations; but she sailed away as soon as she had concluded her speech. Having said what she wished, it was no part of her plan to await my answer: it was my business to hear, and not to speak.
However, as I have said, Matilda at length yielded in some degree to her mother's authority (pity it had not been exerted before); and being thus deprived of almost every source of amusement, there was nothing for it but to take long rides with the groom11 and long walks with the governess, and to visit the cottages and farmhouses40 on her father's estate, to kill time in chatting with the old men and women that inhabited them. In one of these walks, it was our chance to meet Mr. Weston. This was what I had long desired; but now, for a moment, I wished either he or I were away: I felt my heart throb41 so violently that I dreaded42 lest some outward signs of emotion should appear; but I think he hardly glanced at me, and I was soon calm enough. After a brief salutation to both, he asked Matilda if she had lately heard from her sister.
'Yes,' replied she. 'She was at Paris when she wrote, and very well, and very happy.'
She spoke43 the last word emphatically, and with a glance impertinently sly. He did not seem to notice it, but replied, with equal emphasis, and very seriously -
'I hope she will continue to be so.'
'Do you think it likely?' I ventured to inquire: for Matilda had started off in pursuit of her dog, that was chasing a leveret.
'I cannot tell,' replied he. 'Sir Thomas may be a better man than I suppose; but, from all I have heard and seen, it seems a pity that one so young and gay, and--and interesting, to express many things by one word--whose greatest, if not her only fault, appears to be thoughtlessness--no trifling44 fault to be sure, since it renders the possessor liable to almost every other, and exposes him to so many temptations--but it seems a pity that she should be thrown away on such a man. It was her mother's wish, I suppose?'
'Yes; and her own too, I think, for she always laughed at my attempts to dissuade45 her from the step.'
'You did attempt it? Then, at least, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that it is no fault of yours, if any harm should come of it. As for Mrs. Murray, I don't know how she can justify46 her conduct: if I had sufficient acquaintance with her, I'd ask her.'
'It seems unnatural47: but some people think rank and wealth the chief good; and, if they can secure that for their children, they think they have done their duty.'
'True: but is it not strange that persons of experience, who have been married themselves, should judge so falsely?' Matilda now came panting back, with the lacerated body of the young hare in her hand.
'Was it your intention to kill that hare, or to save it, Miss Murray?' asked Mr. Weston, apparently48 puzzled at her gleeful countenance49.
'I pretended to want to save it,' she answered, honestly enough, 'as it was so glaringly out of season; but I was better pleased to see it lolled. However, you can both witness that I couldn't help it: Prince was determined50 to have her; and he clutched her by the back, and killed her in a minute! Wasn't it a noble chase?'
'Very! for a young lady after a leveret.'
There was a quiet sarcasm51 in the tone of his reply which was not lost upon her; she shrugged52 her shoulders, and, turning away with a significant 'Humph!' asked me how I had enjoyed the fun. I replied that I saw no fun in the matter; but admitted that I had not observed the transaction very narrowly.
'Didn't you see how it doubled--just like an old hare? and didn't you hear it scream?'
'I'm happy to say I did not.'
'It cried out just like a child.'
'Poor little thing! What will you do with it?'
'Come along--I shall leave it in the first house we come to. I don't want to take it home, for fear papa should scold me for letting the dog kill it.'
Mr. Weston was now gone, and we too went on our way; but as we returned, after having deposited the hare in a farm-house, and demolished54 some spice-cake and currant-wine in exchange, we met him returning also from the execution of his mission, whatever it might be. He carried in his hand a cluster of beautiful bluebells55, which he offered to me; observing, with a smile, that though he had seen so little of me for the last two months, he had not forgotten that bluebells were numbered among my favourite flowers. It was done as a simple act of goodwill56, without compliment or remarkable57 courtesy, or any look that could be construed58 into 'reverential, tender adoration59' (vide Rosalie Murray); but still, it was something to find my unimportant saying so well remembered: it was something that he had noticed so accurately60 the time I had ceased to be visible.
'I was told,' said he, 'that you were a perfect bookworm, Miss Grey: so completely absorbed in your studies that you were lost to every other pleasure.'
'Yes, and it's quite true!' cried Matilda.
'No, Mr. Weston: don't believe it: it's a scandalous libel. These young ladies are too fond of making random61 assertions at the expense of their friends; and you ought to be careful how you listen to them.'
'I hope THIS assertion is groundless, at any rate.'
'Why? Do you particularly object to ladies studying?'
'No; but I object to anyone so devoting himself or herself to study, as to lose sight of everything else. Except under peculiar62 circumstances, I consider very close and constant study as a waste of time, and an injury to the mind as well as the body.'
'Well, I have neither the time nor the inclination63 for such transgressions64.'
We parted again.
Well! what is there remarkable in all this? Why have I recorded it? Because, reader, it was important enough to give me a cheerful evening, a night of pleasing dreams, and a morning of felicitous65 hopes. Shallow-brained cheerfulness, foolish dreams, unfounded hopes, you would say; and I will not venture to deny it: suspicions to that effect arose too frequently in my own mind. But our wishes are like tinder: the flint and steel of circumstances are continually striking out sparks, which vanish immediately, unless they chance to fall upon the tinder of our wishes; then, they instantly ignite, and the flame of hope is kindled66 in a moment.
But alas67! that very morning, my flickering68 flame of hope was dismally69 quenched70 by a letter from my mother, which spoke so seriously of my father's increasing illness, that I feared there was little or no chance of his recovery; and, close at hand as the holidays were, I almost trembled lest they should come too late for me to meet him in this world. Two days after, a letter from Mary told me his life was despaired of, and his end seemed fast approaching. Then, immediately, I sought permission to anticipate the vacation, and go without delay. Mrs. Murray stared, and wondered at the unwonted energy and boldness with which I urged the request, and thought there was no occasion to hurry; but finally gave me leave: stating, however, that there was 'no need to be in such agitation71 about the matter--it might prove a false alarm after all; and if not--why, it was only in the common course of nature: we must all die some time; and I was not to suppose myself the only afflicted person in the world;' and concluding with saying I might have the phaeton to take me to O-. 'And instead of REPINING, Miss Grey, be thankful for the PRIVILEGES you enjoy. There's many a poor clergyman whose family would be plunged72 into ruin by the event of his death; but you, you see, have influential73 friends ready to continue their patronage74, and to show you every consideration.'
I thanked her for her 'consideration,' and flew to my room to make some hurried preparations for my departure. My bonnet75 and shawl being on, and a few things hastily crammed76 into my largest trunk, I descended77. But I might have done the work more leisurely78, for no one else was in a hurry; and I had still a considerable time to wait for the phaeton. At length it came to the door, and I was off: but, oh, what a dreary79 journey was that! how utterly different from my former passages homewards! Being too late for the last coach to -, I had to hire a cab for ten miles, and then a car to take me over the rugged53 hills.
It was half-past ten before I reached home. They were not in bed.
My mother and sister both met me in the passage--sad--silent--pale! I was so much shocked and terror-stricken that I could not speak, to ask the information I so much longed yet dreaded to obtain.
'Agnes!' said my mother, struggling to repress some strong emotion.
'Oh, Agnes!' cried Mary, and burst into tears.
'How is he?' I asked, gasping80 for the answer.
'Dead!'
It was the reply I had anticipated: but the shock seemed none the less tremendous.
1 transmuted | |
v.使变形,使变质,把…变成…( transmute的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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2 blessings | |
n.(上帝的)祝福( blessing的名词复数 );好事;福分;因祸得福 | |
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3 festive | |
adj.欢宴的,节日的 | |
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4 catching | |
adj.易传染的,有魅力的,迷人的,接住 | |
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5 afflicted | |
使受痛苦,折磨( afflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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6 truthfulness | |
n. 符合实际 | |
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7 discourse | |
n.论文,演说;谈话;话语;vi.讲述,著述 | |
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8 simplicity | |
n.简单,简易;朴素;直率,单纯 | |
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9 solace | |
n.安慰;v.使快乐;vt.安慰(物),缓和 | |
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10 grooms | |
n.新郎( groom的名词复数 );马夫v.照料或梳洗(马等)( groom的第三人称单数 );使做好准备;训练;(给动物)擦洗 | |
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11 groom | |
vt.给(马、狗等)梳毛,照料,使...整洁 | |
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12 entirely | |
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地 | |
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13 kennels | |
n.主人外出时的小动物寄养处,养狗场;狗窝( kennel的名词复数 );养狗场 | |
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14 implicitly | |
adv. 含蓄地, 暗中地, 毫不保留地 | |
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15 thwarted | |
阻挠( thwart的过去式和过去分词 ); 使受挫折; 挫败; 横过 | |
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16 impunity | |
n.(惩罚、损失、伤害等的)免除 | |
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17 contention | |
n.争论,争辩,论战;论点,主张 | |
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18 prohibitions | |
禁令,禁律( prohibition的名词复数 ); 禁酒; 禁例 | |
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19 watchful | |
adj.注意的,警惕的 | |
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20 preclude | |
vt.阻止,排除,防止;妨碍 | |
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21 precepts | |
n.规诫,戒律,箴言( precept的名词复数 ) | |
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22 mere | |
adj.纯粹的;仅仅,只不过 | |
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23 remonstrances | |
n.抱怨,抗议( remonstrance的名词复数 ) | |
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24 utterly | |
adv.完全地,绝对地 | |
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25 confession | |
n.自白,供认,承认 | |
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26 elegance | |
n.优雅;优美,雅致;精致,巧妙 | |
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27 propriety | |
n.正当行为;正当;适当 | |
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28 imputed | |
v.把(错误等)归咎于( impute的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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29 censured | |
v.指责,非难,谴责( censure的过去式 ) | |
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30 proficiency | |
n.精通,熟练,精练 | |
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31 prosper | |
v.成功,兴隆,昌盛;使成功,使昌隆,繁荣 | |
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32 vocation | |
n.职业,行业 | |
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33 accomplishment | |
n.完成,成就,(pl.)造诣,技能 | |
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34 professes | |
声称( profess的第三人称单数 ); 宣称; 公开表明; 信奉 | |
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35 judicious | |
adj.明智的,明断的,能作出明智决定的 | |
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36 virtues | |
美德( virtue的名词复数 ); 德行; 优点; 长处 | |
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37 cultivation | |
n.耕作,培养,栽培(法),养成 | |
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38 corrupts | |
(使)败坏( corrupt的第三人称单数 ); (使)腐化; 引起(计算机文件等的)错误; 破坏 | |
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39 tact | |
n.机敏,圆滑,得体 | |
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40 farmhouses | |
n.农舍,农场的主要住房( farmhouse的名词复数 ) | |
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41 throb | |
v.震颤,颤动;(急速强烈地)跳动,搏动 | |
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42 dreaded | |
adj.令人畏惧的;害怕的v.害怕,恐惧,担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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43 spoke | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
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44 trifling | |
adj.微不足道的;没什么价值的 | |
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45 dissuade | |
v.劝阻,阻止 | |
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46 justify | |
vt.证明…正当(或有理),为…辩护 | |
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47 unnatural | |
adj.不自然的;反常的 | |
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48 apparently | |
adv.显然地;表面上,似乎 | |
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49 countenance | |
n.脸色,面容;面部表情;vt.支持,赞同 | |
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50 determined | |
adj.坚定的;有决心的 | |
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51 sarcasm | |
n.讥讽,讽刺,嘲弄,反话 (adj.sarcastic) | |
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52 shrugged | |
vt.耸肩(shrug的过去式与过去分词形式) | |
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53 rugged | |
adj.高低不平的,粗糙的,粗壮的,强健的 | |
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54 demolished | |
v.摧毁( demolish的过去式和过去分词 );推翻;拆毁(尤指大建筑物);吃光 | |
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55 bluebells | |
n.圆叶风铃草( bluebell的名词复数 ) | |
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56 goodwill | |
n.善意,亲善,信誉,声誉 | |
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57 remarkable | |
adj.显著的,异常的,非凡的,值得注意的 | |
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58 construed | |
v.解释(陈述、行为等)( construe的过去式和过去分词 );翻译,作句法分析 | |
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59 adoration | |
n.爱慕,崇拜 | |
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60 accurately | |
adv.准确地,精确地 | |
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61 random | |
adj.随机的;任意的;n.偶然的(或随便的)行动 | |
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62 peculiar | |
adj.古怪的,异常的;特殊的,特有的 | |
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63 inclination | |
n.倾斜;点头;弯腰;斜坡;倾度;倾向;爱好 | |
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64 transgressions | |
n.违反,违法,罪过( transgression的名词复数 ) | |
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65 felicitous | |
adj.恰当的,巧妙的;n.恰当,贴切 | |
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66 kindled | |
(使某物)燃烧,着火( kindle的过去式和过去分词 ); 激起(感情等); 发亮,放光 | |
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67 alas | |
int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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68 flickering | |
adj.闪烁的,摇曳的,一闪一闪的 | |
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69 dismally | |
adv.阴暗地,沉闷地 | |
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70 quenched | |
解(渴)( quench的过去式和过去分词 ); 终止(某事物); (用水)扑灭(火焰等); 将(热物体)放入水中急速冷却 | |
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71 agitation | |
n.搅动;搅拌;鼓动,煽动 | |
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72 plunged | |
v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 );暴跌;骤降;突降 | |
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73 influential | |
adj.有影响的,有权势的 | |
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74 patronage | |
n.赞助,支援,援助;光顾,捧场 | |
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75 bonnet | |
n.无边女帽;童帽 | |
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76 crammed | |
adj.塞满的,挤满的;大口地吃;快速贪婪地吃v.把…塞满;填入;临时抱佛脚( cram的过去式) | |
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77 descended | |
a.为...后裔的,出身于...的 | |
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78 leisurely | |
adj.悠闲的;从容的,慢慢的 | |
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79 dreary | |
adj.令人沮丧的,沉闷的,单调乏味的 | |
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80 gasping | |
adj. 气喘的, 痉挛的 动词gasp的现在分词 | |
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