A house in A---, the fashionable watering-place, was hired for our seminary; and a promise of two or three pupils was obtained to commence with. I returned to Horton Lodge1 about the middle of July, leaving my mother to conclude the bargain for the house, to obtain more pupils, to sell off the furniture of our old abode2, and to fit out the new one.
We often pity the poor, because they have no leisure to mourn their departed relatives, and necessity obliges them to labour through their severest afflictions: but is not active employment the best remedy for overwhelming sorrow--the surest antidote3 for despair? It may be a rough comforter: it may seem hard to be harassed4 with the cares of life when we have no relish5 for its enjoyments6; to be goaded7 to labour when the heart is ready to break, and the vexed8 spirit implores9 for rest only to weep in silence: but is not labour better than the rest we covet10? and are not those petty, tormenting11 cares less hurtful than a continual brooding over the great affliction that oppresses us? Besides, we cannot have cares, and anxieties, and toil12, without hope--if it be but the hope of fulfilling our joyless task, accomplishing some needful project, or escaping some further annoyance13. At any rate, I was glad my mother had so much employment for every faculty14 of her action-loving frame. Our kind neighbours lamented15 that she, once so exalted17 in wealth and station, should be reduced to such extremity18 in her time of sorrow; but I am persuaded that she would have suffered thrice as much had she been left in affluence19, with liberty to remain in that house, the scene of her early happiness and late affliction, and no stern necessity to prevent her from incessantly20 brooding over and lamenting21 her bereavement22.
I will not dilate23 upon the feelings with which I left the old house, the well-known garden, the little village church--then doubly dear to me, because my father, who, for thirty years, had taught and prayed within its walls, lay slumbering24 now beneath its flags--and the old bare hills, delightful25 in their very desolation, with the narrow vales between, smiling in green wood and sparkling water--the house where I was born, the scene of all my early associations, the place where throughout life my earthly affections had been centred;--and left them to return no more! True, I was going back to Horton Lodge, where, amid many evils, one source of pleasure yet remained: but it was pleasure mingled26 with excessive pain; and my stay, alas27! was limited to six weeks. And even of that precious time, day after day slipped by and I did not see him: except at church, I never saw him for a fortnight after my return. It seemed a long time to me: and, as I was often out with my rambling28 pupil, of course hopes would keep rising, and disappointments would ensue; and then, I would say to my own heart, 'Here is a convincing proof--if you would but have the sense to see it, or the candour to acknowledge it--that he does not care for you. If he only thought HALF as much about you as you do about him, he would have contrived29 to meet you many times ere this: you must know that, by consulting your own feelings. Therefore, have done with this nonsense: you have no ground for hope: dismiss, at once, these hurtful thoughts and foolish wishes from your mind, and turn to your own duty, and the dull blank life that lies before you. You might have known such happiness was not for you.'
But I saw him at last. He came suddenly upon me as I was crossing a field in returning from a visit to Nancy Brown, which I had taken the opportunity of paying while Matilda Murray was riding her matchless mare30. He must have heard of the heavy loss I had sustained: he expressed no sympathy, offered no condolence: but almost the first words he uttered were,--'How is your mother?' And this was no matter-of-course question, for I never told him that I had a mother: he must have learned the fact from others, if he knew it at all; and, besides, there was sincere goodwill31, and even deep, touching32, unobtrusive sympathy in the tone and manner of the inquiry33. I thanked him with due civility, and told him she was as well as could be expected. 'What will she do?' was the next question. Many would have deemed it an impertinent one, and given an evasive reply; but such an idea never entered my head, and I gave a brief but plain statement of my mother's plans and prospects34.
'Then you will leave this place shortly?' said he.
'Yes, in a month.'
He paused a minute, as if in thought. When he spoke35 again, I hoped it would be to express his concern at my departure; but it was only to say,--'I should think you will be willing enough to go?'
'Yes--for some things,' I replied.
'For SOME things only--I wonder what should make you regret it?'
I was annoyed at this in some degree; because it embarrassed me: I had only one reason for regretting it; and that was a profound secret, which he had no business to trouble me about.
'Why,' said I--'why should you suppose that I dislike the place?'
'You told me so yourself,' was the decisive reply. 'You said, at least, that you could not live contentedly36, without a friend; and that you had no friend here, and no possibility of making one--and, besides, I know you MUST dislike it.'
'But if you remember rightly, I said, or meant to say, I could not live contentedly without a friend in the world: I was not so unreasonable37 as to require one always near me. I think I could be happy in a house full of enemies, if--' but no; that sentence must not be continued--I paused, and hastily added,--'And, besides, we cannot well leave a place where we have lived for two or three years, without some feeling of regret.'
'Will you regret to part with Miss Murray, your sole remaining pupil and companion?'
'I dare say I shall in some degree: it was not without sorrow I parted with her sister.'
'I can imagine that.'
'Well, Miss Matilda is quite as good--better in one respect.'
'What is that?'
'She's honest.'
'And the other is not?'
'I should not call her DIShonest; but it must be confessed she's a little artful.'
'ARTFUL is she?--I saw she was giddy and vain--and now,' he added, after a pause, 'I can well believe she was artful too; but so excessively so as to assume an aspect of extreme simplicity38 and unguarded openness. Yes,' continued he, musingly39, 'that accounts for some little things that puzzled me a trifle before.'
After that, he turned the conversation to more general subjects. He did not leave me till we had nearly reached the park-gates: he had certainly stepped a little out of his way to accompany me so far, for he now went back and disappeared down Moss40 Lane, the entrance of which we had passed some time before. Assuredly I did not regret this circumstance: if sorrow had any place in my heart, it was that he was gone at last--that he was no longer walking by my side, and that that short interval41 of delightful intercourse42 was at an end. He had not breathed a word of love, or dropped one hint of tenderness or affection, and yet I had been supremely43 happy. To be near him, to hear him talk as he did talk, and to feel that he thought me worthy44 to be so spoken to--capable of understanding and duly appreciating such discourse--was enough.
'Yes, Edward Weston, I could indeed be happy in a house full of enemies, if I had but one friend, who truly, deeply, and faithfully loved me; and if that friend were you--though we might be far apart--seldom to hear from each other, still more seldom to meet-- though toil, and trouble, and vexation might surround me, still--it would be too much happiness for me to dream of! Yet who can tell,' said I within myself, as I proceeded up the park,--'who can tell what this one month may bring forth45? I have lived nearly three- and-twenty years, and I have suffered much, and tasted little pleasure yet; is it likely my life all through will be so clouded? Is it not possible that God may hear my prayers, disperse46 these gloomy shadows, and grant me some beams of heaven's sunshine yet? Will He entirely47 deny to me those blessings48 which are so freely given to others, who neither ask them nor acknowledge them when received? May I not still hope and trust? I did hope and trust for a while: but, alas, alas! the time ebbed49 away: one week followed another, and, excepting one distant glimpse and two transient meetings--during which scarcely anything was said--while I was walking with Miss Matilda, I saw nothing of him: except, of course, at church.
And now, the last Sunday was come, and the last service. I was often on the point of melting into tears during the sermon--the last I was to hear from him: the best I should hear from anyone, I was well assured. It was over--the congregation were departing; and I must follow. I had then seen him, and heard his voice, too, probably for the last time. In the churchyard, Matilda was pounced50 upon by the two Misses Green. They had many inquiries51 to make about her sister, and I know not what besides. I only wished they would have done, that we might hasten back to Horton Lodge: I longed to seek the retirement52 of my own room, or some sequestered53 nook in the grounds, that I might deliver myself up to my feelings- -to weep my last farewell, and lament16 my false hopes and vain delusions54. Only this once, and then adieu to fruitless dreaming-- thenceforth, only sober, solid, sad reality should occupy my mind. But while I thus resolved, a low voice close beside me said--'I suppose you are going this week, Miss Grey?' 'Yes,' I replied. I was very much startled; and had I been at all hysterically55 inclined, I certainly should have committed myself in some way then. Thank God, I was not.
'Well,' said Mr. Weston, 'I want to bid you good-bye--it is not likely I shall see you again before you go.'
'Good-bye, Mr. Weston,' I said. Oh, how I struggled to say it calmly! I gave him my hand. He retained it a few seconds in his.
'It is possible we may meet again,' said he; 'will it be of any consequence to you whether we do or not?'
'Yes, I should be very glad to see you again.'
I COULD say no less. He kindly56 pressed my hand, and went. Now, I was happy again--though more inclined to burst into tears than ever. If I had been forced to speak at that moment, a succession of sobs57 would have inevitably58 ensued; and as it was, I could not keep the water out of my eyes. I walked along with Miss Murray, turning aside my face, and neglecting to notice several successive remarks, till she bawled59 out that I was either deaf or stupid; and then (having recovered my self-possession), as one awakened60 from a fit of abstraction, I suddenly looked up and asked what she had been saying.
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1
lodge
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| v.临时住宿，寄宿，寄存，容纳；n.传达室，小旅馆 | |
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abode
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| n.住处，住所 | |
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antidote
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| n.解毒药，解毒剂 | |
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harassed
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| adj. 疲倦的，厌烦的 动词harass的过去式和过去分词 | |
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relish
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| n.滋味，享受，爱好，调味品；vt.加调味料，享受，品味；vi.有滋味 | |
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enjoyments
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| 愉快( enjoyment的名词复数 )； 令人愉快的事物； 享有； 享受 | |
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goaded
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| v.刺激( goad的过去式和过去分词 )；激励；（用尖棒）驱赶；驱使（或怂恿、刺激）某人 | |
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vexed
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| adj.争论不休的；（指问题等）棘手的；争论不休的问题；烦恼的v.使烦恼( vex的过去式和过去分词 )；使苦恼；使生气；详细讨论 | |
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implores
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| 恳求或乞求（某人）( implore的第三人称单数 ) | |
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covet
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| vt.垂涎；贪图(尤指属于他人的东西) | |
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tormenting
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| 使痛苦的，使苦恼的 | |
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toil
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| vi.辛劳工作，艰难地行动；n.苦工，难事 | |
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annoyance
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| n.恼怒，生气，烦恼 | |
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faculty
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| n.才能；学院，系；(学院或系的)全体教学人员 | |
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lamented
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| adj.被哀悼的，令人遗憾的v.（为…）哀悼，痛哭，悲伤( lament的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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lament
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| n.悲叹，悔恨，恸哭；v.哀悼，悔恨，悲叹 | |
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exalted
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| adj.(地位等)高的，崇高的；尊贵的，高尚的 | |
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extremity
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| n.末端，尽头；尽力；终极；极度 | |
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affluence
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| n.充裕，富足 | |
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incessantly
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| ad.不停地 | |
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lamenting
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| adj.悲伤的，悲哀的v.（为…）哀悼，痛哭，悲伤( lament的现在分词 ) | |
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bereavement
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| n.亲人丧亡，丧失亲人，丧亲之痛 | |
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dilate
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| vt.使膨胀，使扩大 | |
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slumbering
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| 微睡，睡眠（slumber的现在分词形式） | |
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delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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rambling
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| adj.[建]凌乱的，杂乱的 | |
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contrived
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| adj.不自然的，做作的；虚构的 | |
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mare
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| n.母马，母驴 | |
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goodwill
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| n.善意，亲善，信誉，声誉 | |
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touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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prospects
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| n.希望，前途(恒为复数) | |
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35
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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contentedly
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| adv.心满意足地 | |
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unreasonable
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| adj.不讲道理的，不合情理的，过度的 | |
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simplicity
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| n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯 | |
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musingly
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| adv.沉思地，冥想地 | |
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moss
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| n.苔，藓，地衣 | |
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interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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43
supremely
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| adv.无上地，崇高地 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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disperse
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| vi.使分散；使消失；vt.分散；驱散 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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blessings
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| n.（上帝的）祝福( blessing的名词复数 )；好事；福分；因祸得福 | |
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49
ebbed
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| （指潮水）退( ebb的过去式和过去分词 )； 落； 减少； 衰落 | |
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50
pounced
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| v.突然袭击( pounce的过去式和过去分词 )；猛扑；一眼看出；抓住机会（进行抨击） | |
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51
inquiries
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| n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 )；疑问；探究；打听 | |
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retirement
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| n.退休，退职 | |
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53
sequestered
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| adj.扣押的；隐退的；幽静的；偏僻的v.使隔绝，使隔离( sequester的过去式和过去分词 )；扣押 | |
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54
delusions
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| n.欺骗( delusion的名词复数 )；谬见；错觉；妄想 | |
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hysterically
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| ad. 歇斯底里地 | |
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56
kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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57
sobs
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| 啜泣（声），呜咽（声）( sob的名词复数 ) | |
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inevitably
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| adv.不可避免地；必然发生地 | |
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bawled
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| v.大叫，大喊( bawl的过去式和过去分词 )；放声大哭；大声叫出；叫卖（货物） | |
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awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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