Sunnington was the next stage in Maurice's career.
He traversed it without attracting attention. He was not good at work, though better than he pretended, nor colos-sally good at games. If people noticed him they liked him, for he had a bright friendly face and responded to attention; but there were so many boys of his type—they formed the back-bone of the school and we cannot notice each vertebra. He did the usual things—was kept in, once caned1, rose from form to form on the classical side till he clung precariously2 to the sixth, and he became a house prefect, and later a school prefect and member of the first fifteen. Though clumsy, he had strength and physical pluck: at cricket he did not do so well. Having been bullied3 as a new boy, he bullied others when they seemed un-happy or weak, not because he was cruel but because it was the proper thing to do. In a word, he was a mediocre4 member of a mediocre school, and left a faint and favourable5 impression be-hind. "Hall? Wait a minute, which was Hall? Oh yes, I remem-ber; clean run enough."
Beneath it all, he was bewildered. He had lost the precocious6 clearness of the child which transfigures and explains the uni-verse, offering answers of miraculous7 insight and beauty. "Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings . . ." But not out of the mouth of the boy of sixteen. Maurice forgot he had ever been sexless, and only realized in maturity8 how just and clear the
sensations of his earliest days must have been. He sank far below them now, for he was descending9 the Valley of the Shadow of Life. It lies between the lesser10 mountains and the greater, and without breathing its fogs no one can come through. He groped about in it longer than most boys.
Where all is obscure and unrealized the best similitude is a dream. Maurice had two dreams at school; they will interpret him.
In the first dream he felt very cross. He was playing football against a nondescript whose existence he resented. He made an effort and the nondescript turned into George, that garden boy. But he had to be careful or it would reappear. George headed down the field towards him, naked and jumping over the wood-stacks. "I shall go mad if he turns wrong now," said Maurice, and just as they collared this happened, and a brutal11 disappoint-ment woke him up. He did not connect it with Mr Ducie's homily, still less with his second dream, but he thought he was going to be ill, and afterwards that it was somehow a punish-ment for something.
The second dream is more difficult to convey. Nothing hap-pened. He scarcely saw a face, scarcely heard a voice say, "That is your friend," and then it was over, having filled him with beauty and taught him tenderness. He could die for such a friend, he would allow such a friend to die for him; they would make any sacrifice for each other, and count the world nothing, neither death nor distance nor crossness could part them, be-cause "this is my friend." Soon afterwards he was confirmed and tried to persuade himself that the friend must be Christ. But Christ has a mangy beard. Was he a Greek god, such as illus-trates the classical dictionary? More probable, but most prob-ably he was just a man. Maurice forbore to define his dream further. He had dragged it as far into life as it would come. He
would never meet that man nor hear that voice again, yet they became more real than anything he knew, and would actually—
"Hall! Dreaming again! A hundred lines!"
"Sir—oh! Dative absolute."
"Dreaming again. Too late." —would actually pull him back to them in broad daylight and drop a curtain. Then he would reimbibe the face and the four words, and would emerge yearning12 with tenderness and longing13 to be kind to everyone, because his friend wished it, and to be good that his friend might become more fond of him. Misery14 was somehow mixed up with all this happiness. It seemed as certain that he hadn't a friend as that he had one, and he would find a lonely place for tears, attributing them to the hundred lines.
Maurice's secret life can be understood now; it was part bru-tal, part ideal, like his dreams.
As soon as his body developed he became obscene. He sup-posed some special curse had descended15 on him, but he could not help it, for even when receiving the Holy Communion filthy16 thoughts would arise in his mind. The tone of the school was pure—that is to say, just before his arrival there had been a ter-rific scandal. The black sheep had been expelled, the remainder were drilled hard all day and policed at night, so it was his fortune or misfortune to have little opportunity of exchanging experiences with his school-fellows. He longed for smut, but heard little and contributed less, and his chief indecencies were solitary17. Books: the school library was immaculate, but while at his grandfather's he came across an unexpurgated Martial18, and stumbled about in it with burning ears. Thoughts: he had a dirty little collection. Acts: he desisted from these after the novelty was over, finding that they brought him more fatigue19 than pleasure.
All which, if it can be understood, took place in a trance. Maurice had fallen asleep in the Valley of the Shadow, far be-neath the peaks of either range, and knew neither this nor that his school-fellows were sleeping likewise.
The other half of his life seemed infinitely20 remote from ob-scenity. As he rose in the school he began to make a religion of some other boy. When this boy, whether older or younger than himself, was present, he would laugh loudly, talk absurdly, and be unable to work. He dared not be kind—it was not the thing —still less to express his admiration21 in words. And the adored one would shake him off before long, and reduce him to sulks. However, he had his revenges. Other boys sometimes wor-shipped him, and when he realized this he would shake off them. The adoration22 was mutual23 on one occasion, both yearning for they knew not what, but the result was the same. They quar-relled in a few days. All that came out of the chaos24 were the two feelings of beauty and tenderness that he had first felt in a dream. They grew yearly, flourishing like plants that are all leaves and show no sign of flower. Towards the close of his edu-cation at Sunnington the growth stopped. A check, a silence, fell upon the complex processes, and very timidly the youth began to look around him.
萨宁顿是莫瑞斯的人生中的下一个舞台。他没有引起人们注目地横穿过去。他的成绩不佳，其实比他装出来的要好，体育方面也不突出。人们倘若注意到他，就会喜欢他，因为他长着一张开朗亲切的面孔，对旁人的关切立即做出反应。然而，像他这种类型的少年比比皆是—一他们构成了学校的脊椎，我们不可能端详每一块椎骨。他走的是一条平凡的路一被关过禁闭，挨过一次鞭笞，作为古典文学专业的学生，一级级地升班，好歹升到六年级。他成了学生宿舍的舍监，后来又任全校的监督生，并被选为足球队员。尽管笨手笨脚，他却很有力气，身子骨很结实。板球嘛，他打得不怎么好。作为新生，他曾被欺负过；他反过来欺负那些看上去闷闷不乐或孱弱的学生，并非由于他残忍，而是由于这是司空见惯的事。总之，他是一所平庸的学校的平庸的成员，给人留下个模糊而良好的印象。“霍尔？且慢，谁是霍尔？啊，对，想起来了，那家伙还不赖。”
这一切是表面现象，骨子里他感到困惑。他已失却儿时的早熟的鲜明个性，那时，他曾把宇宙理想化并做出解释，结论是宇宙中充满了奇妙的洞察与美。“出自婴儿和乳臭未干的小儿之口……”而不是一个十六岁少年的言论。莫瑞斯忘记了自己曾有过无性的时期，如今进入成熟年龄，方领悟到孩提时候的知觉是多么正确明智。目前他已下沉到比那时低得多的地方，因为他正朝着生荫的幽谷（译注：作者把《旧约·诗篇》第23篇的“死荫的幽谷”改为“生荫的幽谷”。）往下降。该谷位于矮山与高山之间，除非先饱吸弥漫在那里的雾气，谁也穿不过去。他在里面探索的时间比绝大多数少年要长。
一切都是模糊而非现实的，酷似一场梦。莫瑞斯在学校里做过两场梦。它们能够象征这个时期的他。
在第一场梦中，他感到非常暴躁。他在踢足球，对手是他十分厌恶的一个没有特征的人。他竭力想看清楚，那个不易分辨的人忽然变成了小园丁乔治。但是他不得不小心谨慎，否则那个人会重新出现。乔治沿着田野朝他奔跑，赤裸着身子，从柴火垛上一蹿而过。“倘若他这时变得不对劲了，我会发疯的。”莫瑞斯说。他和乔治刚刚抓住对方的时候事情就发生了，强烈的失望使他惊醒。他不曾把这与杜希先生那番说教联系在一起，更无从与第二场梦联系上，然而他认为自己会患病的，后来又觉得这是为某些事遭到了惩罚。
第二场梦就更难以说明了，什么也没发生。他几乎没瞧见那张脸，勉勉强强听见了一个声音：“这是你的朋友。”就结束了。然而，这使他心中充满了美好，使他变得温柔。为了这样一位朋友，就是赴死，也在所不辞；他也容许这样一位朋友为自己赴死。他们彼此问肯做出任何牺牲，不把俗世放在眼里。死亡、距离也罢，龃龉也罢，都不可能将他们疏远，因为“这是我的朋友”。不久之后，他接受了坚振礼（译注：也译作“坚信礼”。基督教礼仪，象征一个人通过洗礼同上帝建立的关系得到巩固。婴儿受洗后，满七岁即可受坚振礼，自此能获得圣灵赐予的恩典、力量和勇气。）。他试图说服自己，那位朋友肯定是基督。可是耶稣基督蓄着肮脏的胡须。难道他是个希腊神吗？就像古典词典中所画的？很可能是的。然而他最有可能只是个凡人。莫瑞斯克制住自己，不再进一步试图阐明他的梦了。相反地，他把梦拖到现实生活中来。他再也不会遇见那个人，更不会听到那声音，但它们比现实世界的任何现象都更真实，遂引起了这么一件事：
“霍尔！你又做梦哪！罚你抄写一百行！”
“老师——啊！绝对与格。（译注：“与格”是指名词的语法上的格）”
“又做梦，适可而止吧。”
遇到这样的场合，他就在光天化日之下被拖回到梦中去，拉严帷幕。于是重新沉浸在那张脸和那六个字中。当他从帷幕里面走出来时，向往着温柔，渴望与人为善，因为这是他那位朋友的意愿。为了让他的朋友更喜欢他，他要做个善良的人。不知为何，这一切幸福伴随着苦痛。除了这一位，他好像确实连一个朋友都没有。他就找一个孤独的地方去流眼泪，却把这归咎于罚他抄写一百行。
如今我们知道了莫瑞斯生活中的隐私，一部分是肉欲的，一部分是理想的，犹如他的梦。
肉体刚一成熟，他就变得淫猥了。他料想这是受到了一种特殊的诅咒，然而身不由己。因为就连领圣餐的时候脑子里也会浮现猥亵的念头。学校的风尚是纯洁的——也就是说，就在他入学前不久，发生了一起惊人的丑闻。害群之马遭到开除处分，其余的学生整天被繁重的学业束缚着，夜间受到监视。这是幸运的还是不幸的，他几乎没有机会跟同学交换意见。他渴望说些下流话，但很少听到旁人说，他自己更无从说起。他那主要的猥亵行为是独自干的。书籍，学校的图书馆是完美无瑕的，然而在祖父家小住时，他发现了一本未经删节的马提雅尔（译注：马提雅尔(约38/40-约104)，罗马著名铭辞作家，是现代警句诗的开山祖师。人们指责他的诗有两大缺点：谄媚和猥亵。）的书。他磕磕巴巴地读着，两耳热辣辣的。思想，他贮存了一些色情的念头。行为，新鲜劲儿过去之后，他发觉这种行为给他带来的疲劳超过了快乐，从此就克制了。
要知道，这一切都是在昏睡状态下发生的。莫瑞斯在生荫的幽谷里沉睡，离两边的山顶都很远，他对此事一无所知，更不晓得自己的同学也同样在梦乡中。
他的另一半生活好像与伤风败俗相距甚远。进入高班后，他开始将某个少年当做一心追求的目标。不论这个少年比莫瑞斯年龄大还是小，只要他在场，莫瑞斯就大声笑，说些傻话，无法用功。莫瑞斯不敢对他表示友好一那可是有失体面的——更不能用语言来表达钦佩之情。过不了多久，他所爱慕的那个少年就把他甩了，弄得他闷闷不乐。不过，他也报了仇。别的少年有时崇拜他，一旦知道了这个，他就把他们甩了。有一次，双方相互爱慕，也不明白彼此依恋什么，然而结果是一样的。几天之后，两个人就吵架了。从一片馄饨中显露出的是原来他在梦中所意识到的美好和温柔这两种感觉。它们逐年成长，就好像是绿叶婆娑、却丝毫没有开花迹象的植物。在萨宁顿的学业即将结束时，就不再长了。复杂的成长过程受到抑制．伴随而来的是沉默。年轻人非常胆怯地四下里望着。
收听单词发音 |
1
caned
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| vt.用苔杖打（cane的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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2
precariously
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| adv.不安全地；危险地；碰机会地；不稳定地 | |
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bullied
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| adj.被欺负了v.恐吓，威逼( bully的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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mediocre
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| adj.平常的，普通的 | |
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favourable
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| adj.赞成的，称赞的，有利的，良好的，顺利的 | |
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precocious
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| adj.早熟的；较早显出的 | |
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miraculous
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| adj.像奇迹一样的，不可思议的 | |
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maturity
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| n.成熟；完成；(支票、债券等)到期 | |
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descending
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| n. 下行 adj. 下降的 | |
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lesser
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| adj.次要的，较小的；adv.较小地，较少地 | |
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brutal
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| adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的 | |
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yearning
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| a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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descended
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| a.为...后裔的，出身于...的 | |
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filthy
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| adj.卑劣的；恶劣的，肮脏的 | |
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solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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martial
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| adj.战争的，军事的，尚武的，威武的 | |
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fatigue
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| n.疲劳，劳累 | |
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infinitely
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| adv.无限地，无穷地 | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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adoration
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| n.爱慕，崇拜 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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chaos
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| n.混乱，无秩序 | |
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