"I can`tapologize, mother—I explained last night there's nothing to apologize about. They had no right to send me down when everyone cuts lectures. It's pure spite, and you can ask anyone—Ada, do try turning on the coffee in-stead of the salt water."
She sobbed1, "Maurice, you've upset mother: how can you be so unkind and brutal2?"
"I'm sure I don't mean to be. I don't see I've been unkind. I shall go straight into the business now, like father did, without taking one of their rotten degrees. I see no harm in that."
"You might have kept your poor father out, he never had any unpleasantness," said Mrs Hall. "Oh Morrie, my darling—and we did so look forward to Cambridge."
"All this crying's a mistake," announced Kitty, who aspired3 to the functions of a tonic4. "It only makes Maurice tfunk he's im-portant, which he isn't: he'll write to the Dean as soon as no one wants him to."
"I shan't. It's unsuitable," replied her brother, hard as iron.
"I don't see that."
"Little girls don't see a good deal."
"I'm not so sure!"
He glanced at her. But she only said that she saw a good deal more than some little boys who thought themselves little men. She was merely maundering, and the fear, tinged5 with respect,
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that had arisen in him died down. No, he couldn't apologize. He had done nothing wrong and wouldn't say he had, it was the first taste of honesty he had known for years, and honesty is like blood. In his unbending mood the boy thought it would be pos-sible to live without compromise, and ignore all that didn't yield to himself and Clive! Clive's letter had maddened him. No doubt he is stupid—the sensible lover would apologize and get back to comfort his friend—but it was the stupidity of passion, which would rather have nothing than a little.
They continued talking and weeping. At last he rose, said, "I can't eat to this accompaniment," and went into the garden. His mother followed with a tray. Her very softness enraged6 him, for love develops the athlete. It cost her nothing to muck about with tender words and toast: she only wanted to make him soft too.
She wanted to know whether she had heard rightly, was he refusing to apologize? She wondered what her father would say, and incidentally learnt that the birthday gift was lying beside some East Anglian drove. She grew seriously concerned, for its loss was more intelligible7 to her than the loss of a degree. The girls minded too. They mourned the bicycle for the rest of the morning, and, though Maurice could always silence them or send them out of earshot, he felt that their pliancy8 might sap his strength again, as in the Easter vacation.
In the afternoon he had a collapse9. He remembered that Clive and he had only been together one day! And they had spent it careering about like fools—instead of in one another's arms! Maurice did not know that they had thus spent it perfectly—he was too young to detect the triviality of contact for contact's sake. Though restrained by his friend, he would have surfeited10 passion. Later on, when his love took second strength, he real-ized how well Fate had served him. The one embrace in the
darkness, the one long day in the light and the wind, were twin columns, each useless without the other. And all the agony of separation that he went through now, instead of destroying, was to fulfil.
He tried to answer Clive's letter. Already he feared to ring false. In the evening he received another, composed of the words "Maurice! I love you." He answered, "Clive, I love you." Then they wrote every day and for all their care created new images in each other's hearts. Letters distort even more quickly than silence. A terror seized Clive that something was going wrong, and just before his exam he got leave to run down to town. Maurice lunched with him. It was horrible. Both were tired, and they had chosen a restaurant where they could not hear themselves speak. "I haven't enjoyed it," said Clive when he wished goodbye. Maurice felt relieved. He had pretended to himself that he had enjoyed it, and thus increased his misery11. They agreed that they would confine themselves to facts in their letters, and only write when anything was urgent. The emotional strain relaxed, and Maurice, nearer to brain fever than he sup-posed, had several dreamless nights that healed him. But daily life remained a poor business.
His position at home was anomalous12: Mrs Hall wished that someone would decide it for her. He looked like a man and had turned out the Howells last Easter; but on the other hand he had been sent down from Cambridge and was not yet twenty-one. What was his place in her house? Instigated13 by Kitty, she tried to assert herself, but Maurice, after a genuine look of sur-prise, laid back his ears. Mrs Hall wavered, and, though fond of her son, took the unwise step of appealing to Dr Barry. Maurice was asked to go round one evening to be talked to.
"Well, Maurice, and how goes the career? Not quite as you expected, eh?"
Maurice was still afraid of their neighbour.
"Not quite as your mother expected, which is more to the point."
"Not quite as anyone expected," said Maurice, looking at his hands.
Dr Barry then said, "Oh, it's all for the best. What do you want with a University Degree? It was never intended for the suburban14 classes. You're not going to be either a parson or a barrister or a pedagogue15. And you are not a county gentleman. Sheer waste of time. Get into harness at once. Quite right to insult the Dean. The city's your place. Your mother—" He paused and lit a cigar, the boy had been offered nothing. "Your mother doesn't understand this, Worrying because you don't apologize. For my own part I think these things right them-selves. You got into an atmosphere for which you are not suited, and you've very properly taken the first opportunity to get out of it."
"How do you mean, sir?"
"Oh. Not sufficiently16 clear? I mean that the county gentleman would apologize by instinct if he found he had behaved like a cad. You've a different tradition."
"I think I must be getting home now," said Maurice, not with-out dignity.
"Yes, I think you must. I didn't invite you to have a pleasant evening, as I hope you have realized."
"You've spoken straight—perhaps some day I shall too. I know I'd like to."
This set the Doctor off, and he cried:
"How dare you bully17 your mother, Maurice. You ought to be horsewhipped. You young puppy! Swaggering about instead of asking her to forgive you! I know all about it. She came here with tears in her eyes and asked me to speak. She and your sis-
ters are my respected neighbours, and as long as a woman calls me I'm at her service. Don't answer me, sir, don't answer, I want none of your speech, straight or otherwise. You are a disgrace to chivalry18. I don't know what the world is coming to. I dont know what the world—I'm disappointed and disgusted with you."
Maurice, outside at last, mopped his forehead. He was ashamed in a way. He knew he had behaved badly to his mother, and all the snob19 in him had been touched to the raw. But some-how he could not retract20, could not alter. Once out of the rut, he seemed out of it for ever. "A disgrace to chivalry." He con-sidered the accusation21. If a woman had been in that side-car, if then he had refused to stop at the Dean's bidding, would Dr Barry have required an apology from him? Surely not. He fol-lowed out this train of thought with difficulty. His brain was still feeble. But he was obliged to use it, for so much in current speech and ideas needed translation before he could understand them.
His mother met him, looking ashamed herself; she felt, as he did, that she ought to have done her own scolding. Maurice had grown up, she complained to Kitty; the children went from one; it was all very sad. Kitty asserted her brother was still nothing but a boy, but all these women had a sense of some change in his mouth and eyes and voice since he had faced Dr Barry.
“我决不写悔过书，妈妈——昨天晚上我已经解释过，我没有什么可谢罪的。人人都在旷课，他们凭什么罚我停学？这纯粹是有意和我作对，您可以随便问任何人。喂，艾达，给我来杯地道的咖啡，可别给我盐水。”
艾达抽泣着说：“莫瑞斯，你把妈妈弄得心烦意乱，你怎么可以这样冷酷残忍呢？”
“我敢说，这不是故意的。我不认为自己冷酷。我要像爸爸那样直接就业，不要那没用的学位了。我看不出这样做有什么害处。”
“别把你可怜的爸爸牵扯进来，他可从来没做过任何让人不愉快的事。”霍尔太太说。“哦，莫瑞，我亲爱的——我们大家对剑桥抱过多么大的期望啊。”
“你们不该这么哭哭啼啼的，”渴望起到强硬作用的吉蒂说，“这仅仅让莫瑞斯觉得自己很重要，其实他没什么了不起。一旦没人要求他写了，他马上就会给学监写的。”
“我才不写呢，这样做不合适。”哥哥斩钉截铁地说。
“我看不出有什么不合适。”
“小姑娘看不出来的东西太多了。”
“这很难说！”
他瞥了她一眼。她说自己远比那些自以为成了小大人的男孩子所看出来的要多。她不过是诈唬而已。于是，他对妹妹油然而生的敬畏之情消失了。不，他可不能谢罪，他没做任何不好的事，所以不愿意说自己做过。这是多年来他头一次接受诚实的考验，而诚实就像血液一样宝贵。莫瑞斯顽固地认为，他能够毫不妥协地过一辈子。凡是不肯对他本人和克莱夫做出让步的人，他一概不理睬！克莱夫的信使得他精神错乱。毫无疑问，他是个糊涂虫。倘若他是个通情达理的情人，就会写悔过书，回剑桥去安慰自己的友人。然而这是激情造成的愚蠢，宁可什么都不要，也不肯只要一点点。
莫瑞斯的母亲和妹妹继续唠叨并哭泣。他终于站起来说：“在这样的伴奏下，我吃不下去。”就走到庭院里去了。母亲端着托盘跟了出来。她的宽厚惹恼了他，因为爱情使运动员莫瑞斯成长起来了。对她来说，捧着放有烤面包片的托盘，边说好话边溜达算不了什么，她只不过是想让儿子也变得跟她一样宽厚而已。
她想知道自己是否听错了。难道他真的拒绝悔过吗？她琢磨着．倘若她父亲知道了，会说些什么。接着，她偶然得悉，老人家送给莫瑞斯的那份生日礼物竟被撂在东英吉利亚（译注：东英吉利亚是英格兰最东端的传统地区。由诺福克、萨福克二郡和剑桥郡、埃塞克斯郡的一部分组成，沿岸有重要的渔港和避暑地。）的道旁了。她认真地对此事表示关切，因为对她而言，丢摩托车比丢学位更明白易懂。两个妹妹也牵挂此事。直到晌午为止，她们不断地为摩托车而哀叹。尽管莫瑞斯一向能够让她们闭嘴，或把她们打发到听不见她们声音的地方去，但他生怕她们过于顺从，会像复活节放假期间那样削弱他的志气，所以什么也没说。
到了下午，莫瑞斯的精神崩溃了。他想起克莱夫和自己仅仅相聚了一天！而且就像一对傻子似的乘着摩托车疾驰——却不曾相互搂抱！莫瑞斯没有理解，正因为如此，他们这一天才尽善尽美。他太年轻了，不曾察觉为接触而接触是何等平庸。虽然他的朋友在抑制着他，他还是几乎倾注全部激情。后来，当他的爱获得第二种力量时，他才领悟命运待他不薄。黑暗中的一次拥抱，在光与风中的漫长的一天，是两根相辅相成的柱子。眼下他所忍受的别离的痛苦，并非为了破坏，而是为了成全。
他试着给克莱夫写回信，他已经在惧怕虚伪了。傍晚他收到另一封来信，是用“莫瑞斯，我爱你！”这样的词句构成的。他在回信中写道：“克莱夫，我爱你。”随后，他们之间每天都有书信往来，毫不在意地相互在心里制造着对方的新形象。信件比沉默更迅速地引起曲解。心怀恐惧，不知什么地方出了问题，克莱夫感到害怕。于是临考试前，他请假直奔伦敦。莫瑞斯与他共进午餐，这是一件可怕的事。双方都已经很疲倦了，却选了一家噪音格外大的饭馆，彼此说话的声音都听不见。“我一点儿也不愉快。”分手的时候克莱夫说。莫瑞斯感到宽慰，他自己都装出一副愉快的样子，心里就更加难受了。他们约定，今后在信中仅限于写事实，除非有紧急情况，不再写信，心理上的压迫感减少了。莫瑞斯头脑发热，几乎处于高度兴奋状态，只不过自己没有意识到。这之后，他接连睡了几夜，连梦都没做，终于康复了。然而，日常生活依旧不愉快。
他在家中的地位是不正常的，霍尔太太希望有人替他做出决定。他俨然是个大人了，上次过复活节假期时，还把豪厄尔夫妇解雇了。然而另一方面，他在剑桥受到停学处分，尚未满二十一岁。在她这个家里，该给他什么样的地位呢？在吉蒂的鼓动下，她试图向儿子显示一下自己的权威。莫瑞斯起初露出了真正惊讶的神色，随后就敌视起她来。霍尔太太动摇了，虽然喜欢她的儿子，却采取了求助于巴里大夫这一不明智的措施。一个傍晚，大夫叫莫瑞斯到自己家去，说是有话跟他谈。
“喂，莫瑞斯，学业怎么样？不完全像是你所期待的样子吧，啊？”
莫瑞斯对他们家这位邻居依然心怀畏惧。
“不完全像是你母亲所期待的样子一这么说更中肯一些。”
“不完全像是任何人所期待的样子。”莫瑞斯瞧着自己的手说。
于是，巴里大夫说：“哦，这样就最好了。你要大学的学位干吗？它从来就不是为郊区的中产阶级而设的。你既不会去做牧师，也不会去做律师或教员，你也不是个乡绅，纯粹是在荒废光阴。马上就业算啦，你把学监侮辱了一通，相当不错。你的职位在伦敦商业中心区。你的母亲……”他停顿了一下，点燃了一支雪茄，却什么都没给这个小伙子。“你的母亲不理解这一点。只因为你不肯悔过，她很着急。依我看，水到渠成。你踏进了不适合于你的地方，而你又非常正确地抓住第一个机会摆脱了这个环境。”
“您这是什么意思，先生？”
“咦，我说得不够清楚吗？我指的是，倘若一位乡绅发现自己的举止像个粗鄙无礼的人，他就会凭着直觉道歉。你是在不同的传统观念下长大的。”
“我想，现在我该回家去了。”莫瑞斯说，他保持了威严。
“对，我想你是该回去了。我希望你已经领悟到我不是请你来度过一个愉快的傍晚的。”
“您谈得直截了当——也许迟早有一天，我也会这样做。我知道自己喜欢这样。”
大夫一触即发，他大声嚷道：“你怎么敢欺侮你母亲，莫瑞斯。应该用马鞭狠狠地抽打你一顿。你这个浅薄自负的小子！不去请求母亲原谅，却大摇大摆地走来走去！我统统都知道。她泪汪汪地到这儿来了，要求我说几句话。她和你的两个妹妹是我所尊重的邻居。只要女人们发话，我就惟命是从。别回答我，先生，别回答。不论直截了当与否，你的辩解我一句也不要听。你玷辱了骑士精神。我不知道世界变成了什么样子，我不知道——我对你感到失望，感到厌恶。”
莫瑞斯终于走到外面去了，他擦了擦额头。他有几分惭愧，自己对母亲不好，他身上那庸俗的一面被刺痛了。然而不知怎的，他下不来台，不能改变。一旦脱了轨，好像永远也上不了轨道了。“玷辱了骑士精神。”他琢磨着大夫的指责。倘若坐在摩托车挎斗里的是个女人，倘若他是由于这个缘故才拒绝按学监的命令停下来，那么巴里大夫还会要求他谢罪吗？想必不会的。他吃力地沿着这个思路想下去，他的头脑依然虚弱，但是他非动脑筋不可。因为有那么多日常谈话与想法，他都得重新解释一遍才能领会。
他的母亲在等候着他。她显得怪难为情的样子。她的儿子．她觉得应该亲自来训斥他。她对吉蒂抱怨说，莫瑞斯长大成人了，子女们一个个地离去，多么令人悲伤啊。吉蒂硬说她哥哥仍旧是个孩子。然而自从莫瑞斯去见过巴里大夫以后，家中的女眷都觉得他的嘴、眼睛和嗓音统统起了一些变化。
收听单词发音 |
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sobbed
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| 哭泣，啜泣( sob的过去式和过去分词 )； 哭诉，呜咽地说 | |
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brutal
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| adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的 | |
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aspired
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| v.渴望，追求( aspire的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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tonic
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| n./adj.滋补品，补药，强身的，健体的 | |
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tinged
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| v.（使）发丁丁声( ting的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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enraged
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| 使暴怒( enrage的过去式和过去分词 )； 歜； 激愤 | |
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intelligible
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| adj.可理解的，明白易懂的，清楚的 | |
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pliancy
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| n.柔软，柔顺 | |
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collapse
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| vi.累倒；昏倒；倒塌；塌陷 | |
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surfeited
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| v.吃得过多( surfeit的过去式和过去分词 )；由于过量而厌腻 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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anomalous
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| adj.反常的；不规则的 | |
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instigated
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| v.使（某事物）开始或发生，鼓动( instigate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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suburban
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| adj.城郊的，在郊区的 | |
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pedagogue
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| n.教师 | |
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sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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bully
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| n.恃强欺弱者，小流氓；vt.威胁，欺侮 | |
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chivalry
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| n.骑士气概，侠义；（男人）对女人彬彬有礼，献殷勤 | |
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snob
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| n.势利小人，自以为高雅、有学问的人 | |
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retract
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| vt.缩回，撤回收回，取消 | |
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accusation
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| n.控告，指责，谴责 | |
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