Dissatisfied with his printed appeal to the electors— it struck him as too patronizing for these times— Clive was trying to alter the proofs when Simcox announced, "Mr Hall." The hour was extremely late, and the night dark; all traces of a magnificent sunset had disappeared from the sky. He could see nothing from the porch though he heard abundant noises; his friend, who had refused to come in, was kicking up the gravel1, and throwing pebbles2 against the shrubs3 and walls.
"Hullo Maurice, come in. Why this thusness?" He asked, a little annoyed, and not troubling to smile since his face was in shadow. "Good to see you back, hope you're better. Unluckily I'm a bit occupied, but the Russet Room's not. Come in and sleep here as before. So glad to see you."
"I've only a few minutes, Clive."
"Look here man, that's fantastic." He advanced into the dark-ness hospitably4, still holding his proof sheets. "Anne'll be furious with me if you don't stay. It's awfully5 nice you turning up like this. Excuse me if I work at unimportancies for a bit now." Then he detected a core of blackness in the surrounding gloom, and, suddenly uneasy, exclaimed,"Ihope nothing's wrong."
"Pretty well everything . . . what you'd call."
Now Clive put politics aside, for he knew that it must be the love affair, and he prepared to sympathize, though he wished the appeal had come when he was less busy. His sense of proportion supported him. He led the way to the deserted6 alley7 behind the laurels8, where evening primroses10 gleamed, and em-bossed with faint yellow the walls of night. Here they would be most solitary11. Feeling for a bench, he reclined full length on it, put his hands behind his head, and said, "I'm at your service, but my advice is sleep the night here, and consult Anne in the morning."
"I don't want your advice."
"Well, as you like of course there, but you've been so friendly in telling us about your hopes, and where a woman is in ques-tion I would always consult another woman, particularly where she has Anne's almost uncanny insight."
The blossoms opposite disappeared and reappeared, and again Clive felt that his friend, swaying to and fro in front of them, was essential night. A voice said, "It's miles worse for you than that; I'm in love with your gamekeeper"—a remark so un-expected and meaningless to him that he said, "Mrs Ayres?" and sat up stupidly.
"No. Scudder."
"Look out," cried Clive, with a glance at darkness. Reassured12, he said stiffly, "What a grotesque13 announcement."
"Most grotesque," the voice echoed, "but I felt after all I owe you I ought to come and tell you about Alec."
Clive had only grasped the minimum. He supposed "Scudder" was ajagon de parler, as one might say "Ganymede", for inti-macy with any social inferior was unthinkable to him. As it was, he felt depressed14, and offended, for he had assumed Maurice was normal during the last fortnight, and so encouraged Anne's intimacy15. "We did anything we could," he said, "and if you want to repay what you 'owe' us, as you call it, you won't dally16 with morbid17 thoughts. I'm so disappointed to hear you talk of yourself like that. You gave me to understand that the land
through the looking-glass was behind you at last, when we thrashed out the subject that night in the Russet Room."
"When you brought yourself to kiss my hand," added Mau-rice, with deliberate bitterness.
"Don't allude18 to that," he flashed, not for the first and last time, and for a moment causing the outlaw19 to love him. Then he relapsed into intellectualism. "Maurice—oh, I'm more sorry for you than I can possibly say, and I do, do beg you to resist the return of this obsession20. It'll leave you for good if you do. Occupation, fresh air, your friends. ..."
"As I said before, I'm not here to get advice, nor to talk about thoughts and ideas either. I'm flesh and blood, if you'll con-descend to such low things—"
"Yes, quite right; I'm a frightful21 theorist, I know."
"—and'll mention Alec by his name."
It recalled to both of them the situation of a year back, but it was Clive who winced22 at the example now. "If Alec is Scud-der, he is in point of fact no longer in my service or even in Eng-land. He sailed for Buenos Aires this very day. Go on though. I'm reconciled to reopening the subject if I can be of the least help."
Maurice blew out his cheeks, and began picking the flowerets off a tall stalk. They vanished one after another, like candles that the night has extinguished. "I have shared with Alec," he said after deep thought.
"Shared what?"
"All I have. Which includes my body."
Clive sprang up with a whimper of disgust. He wanted to smite23 the monster, and flee, but he was civilized24, and wanted it feebly. After all, they were Cambridge men ... pillars of society both; he must not show violence. And he did not; he remained quiet and helpful to the very end. But his thin, sour disapproval25,
his dogmatism, the stupidity of his heart, revolted Maurice, who could only have respected hatred26.
"I put it offensively," he went on, "but I must make sure you understand. Alec slept with me in the Russet Room that night when you and Anne were away."
"Maurice—oh, good God!"
"Also in town. Also—" here he stopped.
Even in his nausea27 Clive turned to a generalization—it was part of the mental vagueness induced by his marriage. "But surely—the sole excuse for any relationship between men is that it remain purely28 platonic29."
"I don't know. I've come to tell you what I did." Yes, that was the reason of his visit. It was the closing of a book that would never be read again, and better close such a book than leave it ling about to get dirtied. The volume of their past must be re-stored to its shelf, and here, here was the place, amid darkness and perishing flowers. He owed it to Alec also. He could suffer no mixing of the old in the new. All compromise was perilous30, because furtive31, and, having finished his confession32, he must dis-appear from the world that had brought him up. "I must tell you too what he did," he went on, trying to keep down his joy. "He's sacrificed his career for my sake . . . without a guarantee I'll give up anything for him . . . and I shouldn't have earlier. . . . I'm always slow at seeing. I don't know whether that's pla-tonic of him or not, but it's what he did."
"How sacrifice?"
"I've just been to see him off—he wasn't there—"
"Scudder missed his boat?" cried the squire33 with indignation. "These people are impossible." Then he stopped, faced by the future. "Maurice, Maurice," he said with some tenderness. "Maurice, quo vadis? You're going mad. You've lost all sense of—May I ask whether you intend—"
"No, you may not ask," interrupted the other. "You belong to the past. I'll tell you everything up to this moment—not a word beyond."
"Maurice, Maurice, I care a little bit for you, you know, or I wouldn't stand what you have told me."
Maurice opened his hand. Luminous34 petals35 appeared in it. "You care for me a little bit, I do think," he admitted, "but I can't hang all my life on a little bit. You don't. You hang yours on Anne. You don't worry whether your relation with her is pla-tonic or not, you only know it's big enough to hang a life on. I can't hang mine on to the five minutes you spare me from her and politics. You'll do anything for me except see me. That's been it for this whole year of Hell. You'll make me free of the house, and take endless bother to marry me off, because that puts me off your hands. You do care a little for me, I know"— for Clive had protested—"but nothing to speak of, and you don't love me. I was yours once till death if you'd cared to keep me, but I'm someone else's now—I can't hang about whining36 for ever—and he's mine in a way that shocks you, but why don't you stop being shocked, and attend to your own happiness?"
"Who taught you to talk like this?" Clive gasped37.
"You, if anyone."
"I? It's appalling38 you should attribute such thoughts to me," pursued Clive. Had he corrupted39 an inferior's intellect? He could not realize that he and Maurice were alike descended40 from the Clive of two years ago, the one by respectability, the other by rebellion, nor that they must differentiate41 further. It was a cesspool, and one breath from it at the election would ruin him. But he must not shrink from his duty. He must rescue his old friend. A feeling of heroism42 stole over him; and he began to wonder how Scudder could be silenced and whether he would prove extortionate. It was too late to discuss ways and means
now, so he invited Maurice to dine with him the following week in his club up in town.
A laugh answered. He had always liked his friend's laugh, and at such a moment the soft rumble43 of it reassured him; it sug-gested happiness and security. "That's right," he said, and went so far as to stretch his hand into a bush of laurels. "That's better than making me a long set speech, which convinces neither yourself nor me." His last words were "Next Wednesday, say at 7.45. Dinner-jacket's enough, as you know."
They were his last words, because Maurice had disappeared thereabouts, leaving no trace of his presence except a little pile of the petals of the evening primrose9, which mourned from the ground like an expiring fire. To the end of his life Clive was not sure of the exact moment of departure, and with the approach of old age he grew uncertain whether the moment had yet oc-curred. The Blue Room would glimmer44, ferns undulate. Out of some external Cambridge his friend began beckoning45 to him, clothed in the sun, and shaking out the scents46 and sounds of the May term.
But at the time he was merely offended at a discourtesy, and compared it with similar lapses47 in the past. He did not realize that this was the end, without twilight48 or compromise, that he should never cross Maurice's track again, nor speak to those who had seen him. He waited for a little in the alley, then re-turned to the house, to correct his proofs and to devise some method of concealing49 the truth from Anne.
克莱夫正试着在致选民的呼吁书的校样上进行加工。因为排成铅字后.他突然感到文章中带着一股居高临下的傲气,不符合时下的潮流。这时,西姆科克斯通报说:“霍尔先生。”夜深了,黑咕隆咚的。天空中,壮丽的晚霞的痕迹已荡然无存。他从门廊里什么也看不见,各种噪声却不断地传到耳际。他的朋友不肯进屋,正在踢小石头子儿,还朝着灌木丛和墙壁掷卵石。
“喂,莫瑞斯,进来吧。你在搞什么名堂?”他问道,心里有点儿烦。既然站在暗处,也就不必费神去装出一副笑脸了。“多好啊,看到你回来了。希望你好一些了。不巧我没有空,赤褐屋刚好空着。进来吧,像以前那样睡在这儿。很高兴见到你。”
“我只耽搁几分钟,克莱夫。”
“嘿,老弟,哪里有那么荒唐的事。”为了表示殷勤好客,他朝着那片黑暗走去,手里仍拿着那几页校样。“假若你不在这儿过夜,安妮会对我大发雷霆。你这样上门来,真是好极了。现在我要做手头的一些琐事,还得请你原谅。”接着,他在周围的幽暗中发觉了漆黑的一团儿,猝然间感到忧虑不安起来,不禁惊叫道:“但愿没出什么不好的事。”
“一切都顺顺当当……可以这么说。”
现在克莱夫把政治撇开了。因为他知道,这必然是恋爱事件,于是准备表示一下同情。不过,他认为如果莫瑞斯没赶在他这么忙的时候来向他求助就好了。平衡感支撑着他。他把莫瑞斯领到月桂树丛后面的荒僻的小路上,这里闪烁着月见草,用淡黄色浮雕图案装饰起夜墙。在这儿,他们可以享受到绝对的安静。克莱夫摸索着找到一条长凳,仰面躺下来,头枕着双手,说:“我愿意为你效劳。不过,我劝你在这里睡一宿,明天早晨跟安妮商量。”
“我不需要你的劝告。”
“啊,当然悉听尊便。但是你十分友善,把你的种种期望告诉了我们。既然这是关于一个女人的问题,如果是我的话,就一定会去跟另一个女人商量,尤其是像安妮这样一位具有几乎是超人的洞察力的女子。”
对面的花儿忽隐忽现。克莱夫再度觉得,他这个在花前摇摆着身躯的朋友,就是夜晚本身。一个声音传到他的耳际:“对你而言,情况比这糟糕得多。我和你的猎场看守相爱了。”这句话太唐突,他听上去毫无意义。于是他傻呵呵地问:“是艾尔斯大嫂吗?”随即坐了起来。
“不,是斯卡德。”
“留神。”他边朝暗处扫了一眼边叫喊。知道没有外人,就放心了,生硬地说:“多么怪诞的声明。”
“怪诞到了极点。”那个嗓音随声附和道。“但是我认为,既然欠了你的情,就应该专程来告诉你阿列克的事。”
克莱夫只理解了最起码的一点。他料想,莫瑞斯仅仅是把“斯卡德”当作个比喻,就像提到“该尼墨得斯”(译注:据希腊传说,他是特洛伊国王特洛斯的儿子。由于美貌非凡,被诸神或化作鹰的宙斯掠去做侍酒童子。)似的。因为对他来说,跟任何一个社会阶层低于自己的人亲近,简直是难以想象的。事实上,他感到沮丧、生气,因为他原以为近两个星期莫瑞斯身心健康了,从而鼓励安妮跟他友好。“凡是我们能为你做的,我们都做了。”他说,“倘若你由于‘欠了情’——用你自己的话来说——想要回报,你就不会总想那些令人十分厌恶的事。我听到你这么谈论自己,失望极了。那天晚上咱们在赤褐屋反复研究这个问题的时候,你使我觉得不正常的时期终于结束了。”
“当时你竟然吻了我的手。”莫瑞斯故意讥讽了他一句。
“别提这个。”他勃然发怒了,既不是第一次也不是最后一次。于是,莫瑞斯这个不法分子就对他产生了短暂的爱。接着,克莱夫恢复了惟理智论者的本色。“莫瑞斯——我简直说不出替你有多么难过。求求你啦,求求你抵制这种迷住心窍的念头,别让它再缠住你。倘若你有心抵制,这个念头就会永远消失。工作、新鲜空气。你的朋友们……”
“刚才我已经说过,我不是到这儿来接受你的劝告的,也不是来谈论思想和概念的。我是个有血有肉的人。假如你肯屈尊,对这些非上品的东西表示兴趣——”
“对,非常对。我知道自己是个令人厌烦的理论家。”
“你要是肯提到阿列克这个名字的话。”
这使他们想起一年前的那件事。然而,如今轮到克莱夫一听到这个名字心里就发怵。“如果阿列克就是斯卡德的话,事实上他已经不再在我这儿干活,甚至已不在英国了。就在今天,他乘船前往布宜诺斯艾利斯了。不过,你说下去吧。只要能多少帮助你的话,我甘愿旧话重提。”
莫瑞斯鼓起腮帮子,吐出一口气,然后着手从高高的茎上一朵朵地掐小黄花。它们接连消失了,犹如夜晚将烛光熄灭掉似的。“我跟阿列克共享了。”他在深思熟虑后说。
“共享了什么?”
“我所有的一切,包括我的肉体。”
克莱夫厌恶地哀叫一声,一跃而起。他恨不得把这个怪物猛揍一顿,撒腿跑掉。但他是个有教养的人,懂得克制自己的感情。他们毕竟是剑桥出身的人……两个人都是社会的中坚分子。他决不能使用暴力手段,他确实没有诉诸于暴力。他自始至终保持冷静,乐于助一臂之力。然而他这种浅薄空洞、尖酸刻薄的责难,他的固执己见,感情的愚钝,使莫瑞斯十分反感。莫瑞斯只能对憎恶表示敬意。
“我这番话会冒犯你,”他继续说下去,“然而我非让你十分理解不可。当你和安妮不在家的那个夜晚,阿列克和我在赤褐屋里睡觉来着。”
“莫瑞斯——哦,天哪!”
“还在伦敦。还在——”说到这里,莫瑞斯把下面的话咽回去了。
即使在感到极度厌恶的时候,克莱夫也设法把事情一般化.作为逃避的手段。这种把事情置于漠然状态的倾向,是婚姻给他带来的现象之一。“不过,毫无疑问——把男人之间的关系正当化的惟一的理由,是它终属纯粹的精神恋爱。”
“我不了解。我是来告诉你我做了什么。”对,这就是他来拜访的原因。他从而合上了一本书,永远也不会再去读它了。与其把此书撂在那儿弄脏,不如合上算了。必须将他们的过去这本书放回到它原先的书架上。这里,在黑暗和枯死的花儿中,就是那个场所。他还欠着阿列克一份恩情。他决不允许把旧的掺杂到新的里面。一切妥协都是敷衍了事,因而是危险的。坦白完,他就必须从将他养育成人的这个世界消失踪影。“我还得告诉你他做了什么。”他竭力按捺住内心的喜悦。“为了我的缘故,他牺牲了自己的前途……他并没有得到我会为他放弃任何东西的保证……原来的我确实是什么也不会放弃的……我总是很迟才能看透。我不知道这算不算是精神恋爱,反正他就这么做了。”
“怎样牺牲的?”
“我去为他送行——他不在那儿——”
“斯卡德误了船吗?”乡绅愤怒地大声叫喊。“这些家伙简直不可救药。”接着他住了口,未来出现在他面前。“莫瑞斯,莫瑞斯,”他用多少有点儿亲切的口吻说。“莫瑞斯,你往何处去?(译注:原文为拉丁文,语出波兰作家显克维奇(1846-1916)的同名小说。《你往何处去》描写暴君尼禄焚烧罗马城后嫁祸于基督教徒,对他们进行迫害一事。耶稣的使徒在逃亡的路上遇见耶稣,问他:“主啊,你往何处去?”耶稣答道:“我要回罗马。让他们把我再度钉在十字架上。”使徒幡然悔悟。显克维奇由于此作而获得1905年度诺贝尔文学奖。)你快要疯了,你完全丧失了理智。我能不能问一声,你是否打算——”
“不,你不能问,”对方打断了他的话,“你属于过去。到此刻为止的一切,我向你和盘托出——今后的事,一个字也不能告诉你。”
“莫瑞斯,莫瑞斯,你知道,我还是有点儿关心你。不然的话,我是无法忍受你刚才告诉我的那番话的。”
莫瑞斯张开了手,露出光彩熠熠的花瓣儿。“我确实认为你有点儿关心我,”他承认,“然而我不可能把自己的整个人生寄托在这一点点上。你不是这样的。你把自己的人生寄托在安妮身上。你不必为自己和她的关系是否精神恋爱而苦恼。你只知道它的身价很高,值得把自己的人生寄托在上面。你只能从她和政治上匀出短短的五分钟给我,我可不能把自己的人生寄托在这上面啊。什么事你都肯为我做,就是拒绝见我。整整一年啊,我在地狱里受尽煎熬。你留我在你家里住,逍遥自得。你还费尽心机打发我结婚,以便甩掉我这个包袱。”——这时克莱夫抗议了,莫瑞斯就顿了一下说,“我知道,你确实有点儿关心我。可是不值得一提,因为你并不爱我。倘若你愿意保持跟我的关系,我会至死属于你。然而,我总不能永远哭哭啼啼地缠住不放呀,所以现在我已属于另外一个人了——那个人也以使你毛骨悚然的方式属于我。你别再给弄得毛骨悚然了,还是专心致力于自己的幸福如何?”
“是谁教给你这么说话的?”克莱夫上气不接下气地说。
“倘若有人教过我的话,那就是你。”
“我?你把这样的思想归因于我,真是骇人听闻。”克莱夫继续说下去。难道他破坏了这个比自己低劣的人的思维能力吗?他没认识到,他和莫瑞斯同样是以两年前的克莱夫为起点,一直走到现在这个地方来的。一个凭借社会地位,另一个通过反叛。他更不曾想到,今后他们之间的分歧必然越来越大。他面对着一个污水坑,选举之际哪怕只发出一点点臭味儿,他的前程就会被断送掉。然而,这是他应尽的义务,决不能畏缩不前,他非拯救老友不可。当英雄的感觉悄悄地袭上心头,他开始琢磨怎样才能封住斯卡德的嘴,心里直嘀咕斯卡德会不会敲竹杠。现在已是深夜,来不及讨论该采取什么办法和手段了。于是他邀请莫瑞斯下周到他那坐落在伦敦的俱乐部来共进晚餐。
莫瑞斯用笑声来回答他。克莱夫一向喜欢他这个朋友的笑声。此刻轻柔的呵呵声让人联想到幸福与安全,于是他心里一块石头落了地。“好。”他说。由于放了心,他甚至把手伸进月桂树丛里去了。“这比对我发表老一套的冗长演说强,既不能使你本人也不能使我信服。”他的最后一句话是:“下星期三,就定在七点四十五分吧。照例只穿无尾晚礼服。”
这就是他最后的一句话,因为大概这时候莫瑞斯就无影无踪了。他留下一小堆月见草的花瓣儿,作为他曾在这儿待过的惟一的痕迹。这堆花瓣儿犹如余烬似的奄奄一息地趴在地上。克莱夫终生不清楚莫瑞斯离去的准确时间。随着进入暮年,对于是否确实发生过此等事,他开始拿不准了。蓝屋发出微光,羊齿丛摇曳着。他的朋友在剑桥校园里朝他招起手来。朋友沐浴在阳光下,散发出五月这个学期的花香与喧哗。
然而,当时他仅仅是对朋友的失礼感到不快而已。他想起从前莫瑞斯也曾像这样失于检点,并与之比较了一下。他不曾领悟到这是终结,既没有黄昏,也没有妥协。更料想不到今后再也不会跟莫瑞斯相遇了,甚至没跟那些看见了莫瑞斯的人说过话。他在小路上等待了一会儿,随后回家去了,不但修改校样,还得想方设法向安妮隐瞒真相。
1 gravel | |
n.砂跞;砂砾层;结石 | |
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2 pebbles | |
[复数]鹅卵石; 沙砾; 卵石,小圆石( pebble的名词复数 ) | |
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3 shrubs | |
灌木( shrub的名词复数 ) | |
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4 hospitably | |
亲切地,招待周到地,善于款待地 | |
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5 awfully | |
adv.可怕地,非常地,极端地 | |
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6 deserted | |
adj.荒芜的,荒废的,无人的,被遗弃的 | |
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7 alley | |
n.小巷,胡同;小径,小路 | |
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8 laurels | |
n.桂冠,荣誉 | |
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9 primrose | |
n.樱草,最佳部分, | |
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10 primroses | |
n.报春花( primrose的名词复数 );淡黄色;追求享乐(招至恶果) | |
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11 solitary | |
adj.孤独的,独立的,荒凉的;n.隐士 | |
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12 reassured | |
adj.使消除疑虑的;使放心的v.再保证,恢复信心( reassure的过去式和过去分词) | |
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13 grotesque | |
adj.怪诞的,丑陋的;n.怪诞的图案,怪人(物) | |
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14 depressed | |
adj.沮丧的,抑郁的,不景气的,萧条的 | |
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15 intimacy | |
n.熟悉,亲密,密切关系,亲昵的言行 | |
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16 dally | |
v.荒废(时日),调情 | |
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17 morbid | |
adj.病的;致病的;病态的;可怕的 | |
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18 allude | |
v.提及,暗指 | |
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19 outlaw | |
n.歹徒,亡命之徒;vt.宣布…为不合法 | |
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20 obsession | |
n.困扰,无法摆脱的思想(或情感) | |
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21 frightful | |
adj.可怕的;讨厌的 | |
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22 winced | |
赶紧避开,畏缩( wince的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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23 smite | |
v.重击;彻底击败;n.打;尝试;一点儿 | |
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24 civilized | |
a.有教养的,文雅的 | |
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25 disapproval | |
n.反对,不赞成 | |
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26 hatred | |
n.憎恶,憎恨,仇恨 | |
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27 nausea | |
n.作呕,恶心;极端的憎恶(或厌恶) | |
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28 purely | |
adv.纯粹地,完全地 | |
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29 platonic | |
adj.精神的;柏拉图(哲学)的 | |
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30 perilous | |
adj.危险的,冒险的 | |
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31 furtive | |
adj.鬼鬼崇崇的,偷偷摸摸的 | |
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32 confession | |
n.自白,供认,承认 | |
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33 squire | |
n.护卫, 侍从, 乡绅 | |
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34 luminous | |
adj.发光的,发亮的;光明的;明白易懂的;有启发的 | |
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35 petals | |
n.花瓣( petal的名词复数 ) | |
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36 whining | |
n. 抱怨,牢骚 v. 哭诉,发牢骚 | |
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37 gasped | |
v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 );喘息;倒抽气;很想要 | |
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38 appalling | |
adj.骇人听闻的,令人震惊的,可怕的 | |
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39 corrupted | |
(使)败坏( corrupt的过去式和过去分词 ); (使)腐化; 引起(计算机文件等的)错误; 破坏 | |
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40 descended | |
a.为...后裔的,出身于...的 | |
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41 differentiate | |
vi.(between)区分;vt.区别;使不同 | |
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42 heroism | |
n.大无畏精神,英勇 | |
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43 rumble | |
n.隆隆声;吵嚷;v.隆隆响;低沉地说 | |
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44 glimmer | |
v.发出闪烁的微光;n.微光,微弱的闪光 | |
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45 beckoning | |
adj.引诱人的,令人心动的v.(用头或手的动作)示意,召唤( beckon的现在分词 ) | |
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46 scents | |
n.香水( scent的名词复数 );气味;(动物的)臭迹;(尤指狗的)嗅觉 | |
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47 lapses | |
n.失误,过失( lapse的名词复数 );小毛病;行为失检;偏离正道v.退步( lapse的第三人称单数 );陷入;倒退;丧失 | |
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48 twilight | |
n.暮光,黄昏;暮年,晚期,衰落时期 | |
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49 concealing | |
v.隐藏,隐瞒,遮住( conceal的现在分词 ) | |
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