Part 2 Chapter 1

A FTER HANNA left the city, it took a while before I stopped watching for her everywhere, before I got used to the fact that afternoons had lost their shape, and before I could look at books and open them without asking myself whether they were suitable for reading aloud. It took a while before my body stopped yearning¹ for hers; sometimes I myself was aware of my arms and legs groping for her in my sleep, and my brother reported more than once at table that I had called out “Hanna” in the night. I can also remember classes at school when I did nothing but dream of her, think of her. The feeling of guilt² that had tortured me in the first weeks gradually faded. I avoided her building, took other routes, and six months later my family moved to another part of town. It wasn’t that I for got Hanna. But at a certain point the memory of her stopped accompanying me wherever I went. She stayed behind, the way a city stays behind as a train pulls out of the station. It’s there, somewhere behind you, and you could go back and make sure of it. But why should you?

I remember my last years of school and my first years at university as happy. Yet I can’t say very much about them. They were effortless; I had no difficulty with my final exams at school or with the legal studies that I chose because I couldn’t think of anything else I really wanted to do; I had no difficulty with friendships, with relationships or the end of relationships—I had no difficulty with anything. Everything was easy; nothing weighed heavily. Perhaps that is why my bundle of memories is so small. Or do I keep it small? I also wonder if my memory of happiness is even true. If I think about it more, plenty of embarrassing and painful situations come to mind, and I know that even if I had said goodbye to my memory of Hanna, I had not overcome it. Never to let myself be humiliated³ or humiliate⁴ myself after Hanna, never to take guilt upon myself or feel guilty, never again to love anyone whom it would hurt to lose—I didn’t formulate⁵ any of this as I thought back then, but I know that’s how I felt.

I adopted a posture⁶ of arrogant⁷ superiority. I behaved as if nothing could touch or shake or confuse me. I got involved in nothing, and I remember a teacher who saw through this and spoke⁸ to me about it; I was arrogantly⁹ dismissive. I also remember Sophie. Not long after Hanna left the city, Sophie was diagnosed with tuberculosis¹⁰. She spent three years in a sanitorium, returning just as I went to university. She felt lonely, and sought out contact with her old friends. It wasn’t hard for me to find a way into her heart. After we slept together, she realized I wasn’t interested in her; in tears, she asked, “What’s happened to you, what’s happened to you?” I remember my grandfather during one of my last visits before his death; he wanted to bless me, and I told him I didn’t believe in any of that and didn’t want it. It is hard for me to imagine that I felt good about behaving like that. I also remember that the smallest gesture of affection would bring a lump to my throat, whether it was directed at me or at someone else. Sometimes all it took was a scene in a movie. This juxtaposition¹¹ of callousness¹² and extreme sensitivity seemed suspicious even to me.

　　汉娜离开这座城市之后，我走到哪儿都期望能见到她，这种情况持续了好长一段时间。后来我才习惯于下午没有她，我才在阅读或随便翻阅书籍时停止自问，哪些书适合朗读。过了一段时间，我的肉体才不再对她的肉体那么渴望了。有时候，我自己也注意到了我的胳膊和大腿在睡觉时是怎样地在寻摸着她。我哥哥多次在饭桌上开我的玩笑，说我在睡觉时叫喊着汉娜。我还记得我在课堂上魂不守舍，只是在想她的情景。最初几周里所具有的这种令我痛苦万分的负疚感后来消失了。我避开她住过的房子走另外的路，而且，半年后我的家搬到了另外的一个城区里。不是我把汉娜忘记了，而是不知从什么时候起对她的回忆自己停止了，不再伴随我了。回忆被留在了身后，就像一列火车继续向前行驶而把一座城市留在其后一样。它依然存在，在什么地方潜伏着，我可以随时驶向它，得到它。但是，我不必非这样做不可。

　　我记得，中学生活的最后几年和大学生活的最初几年我过得非常愉快，但是，能让我说得出的幸福又微乎其微。我没费什么力气就完成了学业，中学结业考试和出于无奈而选择的法律专业对我来说没什么了不起，友爱、情爱和离别对我来说也没什么了不起，什么都不在话下。我把一切都看得很轻，这样，一切对我来说都很轻松。也许正因为如此，记忆中的内容才如此之少。或许这种少只是我的一种感觉？我也在怀疑我现在的这种认为当年我过着幸福生活的感觉符合当年的实际吗？如果我再往前追忆的话，就会想起足以令我感到痛苦难堪的情景，我也就会意识到，虽然我告别了对汉娜的回忆，但却没有战胜它。汉娜不会使我再低三下四了，我也不会再卑躬屈膝了，我不再欠谁什么，不再感到内疚，不会再与任何人如此相爱，以至于她的离去会让我感到痛苦。当时，我对这些并没有这么清楚地思考过，但却明显地感觉到了。

　　我养成了傲慢自大、目空一切的习惯，表现得对任何事情都不闻不问，都无动于衷和不困不惑。我不参与任何事情。我还记得，有位老师对此看得很清楚。一次他与我谈起此事，我很傲慢地就把他打发掉了。我也记得索菲。在汉娜离开这座城市不久，索菲被诊断患有肺结核。她在疗养院度过了三年的光阴，在我刚上大学时她回来了。她感到孤独寂寞，在寻找与老朋友的联系，这样，我很容易就赢得了她的心。我们一起睡过觉之后，她发现我的心不在她那儿，她含着眼泪说："你怎么了，你出了什么事？'我还记得，我的祖父去世前，在我最后一次去看望他的时候，他要给我祝福，我都解释说我不信这个，它对我毫无价值。当时，我对自己的这种行为还感到沾沾自喜，现在想起来简直木可思议。我也记得，一个小小的示爱的手势，不管这手势是针对我的还是对别人的，都会让我激动得喉咙咬住。有时候，电影里面的一个情节就足以使我如此激动。我既麻木不仁又多愁善感，这甚至连我自己都难以置信。

1 yearning   

a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的

参考例句：

• a yearning for a quiet life 对宁静生活的向往
• He felt a great yearning after his old job. 他对过去的工作有一种强烈的渴想。

2 guilt   

n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责

参考例句：

• She tried to cover up her guilt by lying.她企图用谎言掩饰自己的罪行。
• Don't lay a guilt trip on your child about schoolwork.别因为功课责备孩子而使他觉得很内疚。

3 humiliated   

感到羞愧的

参考例句：

• Parents are humiliated if their children behave badly when guests are present. 子女在客人面前举止失当，父母也失体面。
• He was ashamed and bitterly humiliated. 他感到羞耻，丢尽了面子。

4 humiliate   

v.使羞辱，使丢脸[同]disgrace

参考例句：

• What right had they to bully and humiliate people like this?凭什么把人欺侮到这个地步呢？
• They pay me empty compliments which only humiliate me.他们虚情假意地恭维我，这只能使我感到羞辱。

5 formulate   

v.用公式表示；规划；设计；系统地阐述

参考例句：

• He took care to formulate his reply very clearly.他字斟句酌，清楚地做了回答。
• I was impressed by the way he could formulate his ideas.他陈述观点的方式让我印象深刻。

6 posture   

n.姿势，姿态，心态，态度；v.作出某种姿势

参考例句：

• The government adopted an uncompromising posture on the issue of independence.政府在独立这一问题上采取了毫不妥协的态度。
• He tore off his coat and assumed a fighting posture.他脱掉上衣，摆出一副打架的架势。

7 arrogant   

adj.傲慢的，自大的

参考例句：

• You've got to get rid of your arrogant ways.你这骄傲劲儿得好好改改。
• People are waking up that he is arrogant.人们开始认识到他很傲慢。

8 spoke   

n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说

参考例句：

• They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
• The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。

9 arrogantly   

adv.傲慢地

参考例句：

• The consular porter strode arrogantly ahead with his light swinging. 领事馆的门房提着摇来晃去的灯，在前面大摇大摆地走着。
• It made his great nose protrude more arrogantly. 这就使得他的大鼻子更加傲慢地翘起来。

10 tuberculosis   

n.结核病，肺结核

参考例句：

• People used to go to special health spring to recover from tuberculosis.人们常去温泉疗养胜地治疗肺结核。
• Tuberculosis is a curable disease.肺结核是一种可治愈的病。

11 juxtaposition   

n.毗邻，并置，并列

参考例句：

• The juxtaposition of these two remarks was startling.这两句话连在一起使人听了震惊。
• It is the result of the juxtaposition of contrasting colors.这是并列对比色的结果。

12 callousness   

参考例句：

• He remembered with what callousness he had watched her. 他记得自己以何等无情的态度瞧着她。 来自辞典例句
• She also lacks the callousness required of a truly great leader. 她还缺乏一个真正伟大领袖所应具备的铁石心肠。 来自辞典例句