Part 3 Chapter 9

T HE FOLLOWING week was particularly busy. I don’t remember whether I was under actual pressure to finish the lecture I was working on, or only under self-inflicted pressure to work and succeed.

The idea I had had when I began working on the lecture was no good. When I began to revise it, where I expected to find meaning and consistency¹, I encountered one non sequitur after another. Instead of accepting this, I kept searching, harassed², obsessed³, anxious, as though reality itself could fail along with my concept of it, and I was ready to twist or exaggerate or play down my own findings. I got into a state of strange disquiet⁴; I could go to sleep if I went to bed late, but a few hours later I would be wide awake, until I decided⁵ to get up and continue reading or writing.

I also did what needed to be done to prepare for Hanna’s release. I furnished her apartment with furniture from IKEA and some old pieces, advised the Greek tailor that Hanna would be coming in, and brought my information about social services and educational programs up to date. I bought groceries, put books on the bookshelves, and hung pictures. I had a gardener come to tidy up the little garden surrounding the terrace outside the living room. I did all this with unnatural⁶ haste and doggedness; it was all too much for me.

But it was just enough to prevent me from thinking about my visit to Hanna. Only occasionally, when I was driving my car, or when I was in Hanna’s apartment, did thoughts of it get the upper hand and trigger memories. I saw her on the bench, her eyes fixed⁷ on me, saw her at the swimming pool, her face turned to me, and again had the feeling that I had betrayed her and owed her something. And again I rebelled against this feeling; I accused her, and found it both shabby and too easy, the way she had wriggled⁸ out of her guilt⁹. Allowing no one but the dead to demand an accounting¹⁰, reducing guilt and atonement to insomnia¹¹ and bad feelings—where did that leave the living? But what I meant was not the living, it was me. Did I not have my own accounting to demand of her? What about me?

On the afternoon before I was due to pick her up, I called the prison. First I spoke¹² to the warden¹³.

“I’m a bit nervous. You know, normally people aren’t released after such long sentences before spending a few hours or days outside. Frau Schmitz refused this. It won’t be easy for her.”

Then I spoke to Hanna.

“Think about what we should do tomorrow. Whether you want to go straight home, or whether we might go to the woods or the river.”

“I’ll think about it. You’re still a big planner, aren’t you?”

That annoyed me. It annoyed me the way it did when girlfriends told me I wasn’t spontaneous enough, that I operated too much through my head and not enough through my heart.

She could tell by my silence that I was annoyed, and laughed. “Don’t be cross, kid. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

I had met Hanna again on the benches as an old woman. She had looked like an old woman and smelled like an old woman. I hadn’t noticed her voice at all. Her voice had stayed young.

　　接下来的那一周特别忙碌，我已记不得了这是由于我要做一篇报告而时间压力特大．还是由于工作压力，或者成就压力的缘故。

　　写那份报告的最初想法一点没用上。在开始修改报告时我发现，那些我原以为有普遍意义和从中可能归纳出规律的地方全都一个接一个地变成了偶然的案例。我不甘心接受这样的结果，我忙乱地、顽固地、不安地继续寻找着答案，好像我的现实现本身就荒谬。我已做好把检查结果进行歪曲、夸张或者大事化小、小事化了的准备。我陷入了一种特别的坐卧不安的状态，如果我很晚上床睡觉的话，尽管能入睡，但是过不了多久就又彻底地醒了，我只好再次起来继续阅读或者写作。

　　我也为汉娜的出狱做了一些准备。我为汉娜的房间里布置了宜家公司的家具，还配备了几件旧家具，把汉娜的情况告诉了那位希腊裁缝，带回了有关社会和教育活动方面的最新信息，买好了储备食品，在书架上摆好了图书，在墙上挂好了画。我还请了一位园艺工，清理了那个围抱客厅平台的小花园。我做这些时，也显得特别地忙乱和固执，这一切令我如负重负。

　　但是，这足以让我忙得没有时间去回想那次对汉娜的探望。只是有的时候，当我开车时，或疲惫地坐在写字台前时，或躺在床上睡不着时，或者在为汉娜准备的屋里时，记忆才会一泻千里，不可阻挡。我会看到她坐在长椅上，目光注视着我，看见她在游泳池里，脸向我这边张望着。那种背叛了她和愧对她的感觉就会再次涌上心头。但是，我又生气自己有这种感觉，并开始指责她，发现她悄悄地逃避了她应该承担的责任，这未免有点太便宜了。如果只有死人才有权要求她做出解释说明，如果可以把罪责用睡眠不好和做噩梦来搪塞了事的话，那么活人往哪儿摆？但是，我所指的活人不是指活下来的人，而是指我自己。我难道也没有权利要求她做说明解释吗？我算老几？

　　下午，在我去接她之前，我给监狱打了电话。我先和女监狱长讲了话。

　　"我有点紧张。您知道，在通常情况下，一个人经过了这么多年的监禁之后，在没有尝试过在外界先呆上几个小时或几天以前，是不会让他出狱的。史密兰女士拒绝这样做。明天对她来说并非轻松。

　　我的电话被转到了汉娜那里。

　　"你考虑一下，我们明天都做什么，是想马上就回你的家，还是我们一起去森林或去河边？"

　　"我会考虑的。你仍旧是个伟大的计划家，对吗广

　　这令我生气。我感到生气，因为这与其他女友偶尔对我的态度没有两样，这等于说我不够灵活，不能随机应变，大脑起的作用过多，而肚子没派上用场。

　　她注意到了我沉默不语是生气了，于是笑着说："小家伙，别生气，我没有什么恶意。"

　　我在长凳上又看到的汉娜已经是位老妇人了，她看上去、闻上去都像一位老妇人了，但是，我完全没有注意她的声音，她的声音听上去仍旧十分年轻。

1 consistency   

n.一贯性，前后一致，稳定性；(液体的)浓度

参考例句：

• Your behaviour lacks consistency.你的行为缺乏一贯性。
• We appreciate the consistency and stability in China and in Chinese politics.我们赞赏中国及其政策的连续性和稳定性。

2 harassed   

adj. 疲倦的，厌烦的 动词harass的过去式和过去分词

参考例句：

• He has complained of being harassed by the police. 他投诉受到警方侵扰。
• harassed mothers with their children 带着孩子的疲惫不堪的母亲们

3 obsessed   

adj.心神不宁的,鬼迷心窍的,沉迷的

参考例句：

• He's obsessed by computers. 他迷上了电脑。
• The fear of death obsessed him throughout his old life. 他晚年一直受着死亡恐惧的困扰。

4 disquiet   

n.担心，焦虑

参考例句：

• The disquiet will boil over in the long run.这种不安情绪终有一天会爆发的。
• Her disquiet made us uneasy too.她的忧虑使我们也很不安。

5 decided   

adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的

参考例句：

• This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
• There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。

6 unnatural   

adj.不自然的；反常的

参考例句：

• Did her behaviour seem unnatural in any way?她有任何反常表现吗？
• She has an unnatural smile on her face.她脸上挂着做作的微笑。

7 fixed   

adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的

参考例句：

• Have you two fixed on a date for the wedding yet?你们俩选定婚期了吗？
• Once the aim is fixed,we should not change it arbitrarily.目标一旦确定，我们就不应该随意改变。

8 wriggled   

v.扭动，蠕动，蜿蜒行进( wriggle的过去式和过去分词 )；（使身体某一部位）扭动；耍滑不做，逃避（应做的事等）

参考例句：

• He wriggled uncomfortably on the chair. 他坐在椅子上不舒服地扭动着身体。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• A snake wriggled across the road. 一条蛇蜿蜒爬过道路。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》

9 guilt   

n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责

参考例句：

• She tried to cover up her guilt by lying.她企图用谎言掩饰自己的罪行。
• Don't lay a guilt trip on your child about schoolwork.别因为功课责备孩子而使他觉得很内疚。

10 accounting   

n.会计，会计学，借贷对照表

参考例句：

• A job fell vacant in the accounting department.财会部出现了一个空缺。
• There's an accounting error in this entry.这笔账目里有差错。

11 insomnia   

n.失眠，失眠症

参考例句：

• Worries and tenseness can lead to insomnia.忧虑和紧张会导致失眠。
• He is suffering from insomnia.他患失眠症。

12 spoke   

n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说

参考例句：

• They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
• The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。

13 warden   

n.监察员，监狱长，看守人，监护人

参考例句：

• He is the warden of an old people's home.他是一家养老院的管理员。
• The warden of the prison signed the release.监狱长签发释放令。